Do Fathers and Mothers Matter

8/4/2019 Do Fathers and Mothers Matter

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about the author

E M s co o Cn o Mg n Fs

Ins o Acn Vs,

o o FyScos.og, n

o o ocong po,

One Parent or Five? A Global Look at

Todays New Intentional Families.

April 2011

Do Fathers and

Mothers Matter? e l i z a b e h m a r q u a r d


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Intentional Familiesmong amily diversiy proponens and increasingly in amily law, he

concp o n nnon y s sn s posv goo. Tsspon s so ong s s coos o nn o o y n

cn wy, sc y w goo o cn. A no

o n nnon y s ypc snc o cs o

o o o.

Single Mother by Choiceince 98, Single Mohers by Choice (SMBC) has been hosing

meeings where single mohers can gaher, rade diaper alk, commiserae

o osy y v pocs, n pov ps o cos, wo-

SMBC who show up looking or advice. Teir ranks include women who

became unexpecedly pregnan and, deciding agains adopion, aborion,

or marriage, choose o raise heir babies alone; women who adop alone;

hose who inenionally sop using birh conrol in order o become

ccny pgnn n cs onsp; osy (n gtng

mos o he headlines) women who choose heir babys absen aher rom

a sperm bank. Chapers o Single Mohers by Choice around he counry

v gown o wv o wny-o n js s ys. [S

ogn ocn o oonos.] O ovn s op

new, edgier, and decidedly American moniker: he choice mom. Americaloves moherhood and reedom o choice and he American media loves

nong t n goo soy o coc os.

Opn New York Times . T n Won op o sp nks

n onoy ops js on o ny sos coss cony vng

how women oday can browse online caalogs and shop or a sperm donor

until about two seconds ago, mother-

lessness was a confrmed tragedy

propositions3 April 2011


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in he same way hey migh choose a secional soa or a new car. Te

aricle quoes one Long Island choice mom saying, Youre paying or, so yo kn o wn s o s. T po nos s o

saw her abiliy o selec a 6-oo-2 blond, blue-eyed, geneic-disease-ree

ono s so consoon o no gtng o n ov w soon

wo wo os ky v n o w.

Or open he Washington Posto he bold heading: Women in

30s n 40s coos no o w o spos. A ss

declaraions ha single women are helping redene he ypical Americanamily, and ha he sereoypes o he 1950shave long vanished rom

many American households, we do nd some hard realiy in one choice

os soy.

one choice mom

en years ago, pushing ory, she moved o a new sae, bough a

house, and began decoraing a nursery. She go involved wih a man

whose atiude abou a pregnancy was, I i happens, i jus happens.

Aer becoming pregnan, he relaionship didn las long. O her now

nine-year-old daugher, his choice mom repors, She does cry someimes

o no vng on, w k o .I o g

sos, w y no o ovw s. Y n w

on he inconvenien ac ha children mourn he loss o heir ahers, hesoy swngs ck o y pos o sng os ong os on

campus, managing heir managerial poss wih aplomb, and relying on

own os, nnns, n ps o pov c y

s wokng sng pns cnno.

one church mom

In 2006 ookSingle by Chance, Mothers by Choice: How Womenare Choosing Parenthood without Marriage and Creating the New American

Family, Rosnn H ss soy o Ly, cot Csn

rom he Midwes who, as a eacher in Boson, realized ha her dream

ws o v y on og c nsnon. H ws:

Bubbly and ougoing, she never los her Midwesern riendliness

americanvalues.org


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and direcness, bu even she hesiaed beore she approached he

pasor o her church wih her crazy quesion: should she become

o on own? S y xpc pso o pn

her or deying church radiions. Bu she was sunned by hisreacion: I walked ou o here and my eyes were jus wide. I

og, O no, n js s own s o I on. H

said, Is compleely naural ha you wan o be a moher, o

cos yo wn o o. An o cos, wo o

perec i you had a husband. Bu you would be a grea mom. And

s cc cony ovs yo, n I know y w sppo

yo n s.

Lilys pasor hen recommended ha she bring her quesion o he church

s. H s Lys wos:

An I wn o k o o wn I ws o s I ws

going o do i and I was hinking he same hinghey are no

going o approve o his I was crying as I was alking aboui because i was biterswee. I really was orn. I waned o be a

mom, bu I didn wan o do i his way. You know? And I nished

elling hem wha I was hinking abou, and here was silence.

And hen he woman who hired me en years earlier, she reached

ov n g y n s, W, ss yo ! T

s so v. An n ws snc n s s, I gtng

goos ps nkng w g g o sppo yo n s.

Lily also checked in wih he principal a he middle school where she

augh. Te principal and head o her deparmen were sympaheic. Ten:

he principal asked [Lily] o hink abou how and wha she would

ell her sudens. Tis gave her pause. She decided ha i she wen

orward wih her plan and i she became pregnan, she would ellhe sudens ha she had been inseminaed in a docors oce.

She especially waned o convey o he sudens ha here was

no sx sconc on p: s no sk

ns cosn sxss o o ooo.

In odays opsy-urvy world o moherhood, he problem your

pasor and church leaders (and your boss) migh have wih your decision


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5 americanvalues.org

inenionally o conceive a aherless child is no he impac such a decision

will have on he child, bu raher wheher you choose he roue o diry

sx o cn nsnon.

Single Father by Choiceunited kingdom

Bows nwspps o wo n yo cn pos o

proud new single aher by choice (SFBC). In he Unied Kingdom is

Ian Mucklejohn, aher o hree. In 2001, a he age o 54, Mucklejohn

c o ps concv w n gg ono n spgesaional surrogae moher, boh living in he Unied Saes. (A

gesaional surrogae carries an embryo ha was conceived wih anoher

womans eggs. A radiional surrogae carries a baby conceived wih

her own eggs.) Mucklejohn readily admis he used services in he U.S.

because one is no allowed o buy a womans eggs in Briain, nor can

on ccvn g o sog o o c o kp

c s cngs n . By cons, n Con,

a desinaion o choice or would-be ahers rom around he world,

anyhing goes. A man can purchase his eggs, pick his surrogae, and head

home wih his hree babies. His only remaining and someimes signican

g sgg s o convnc oc os o pov cn

cnsp n ccs w nk n spc o o.

india

In 2005, a 46-year-old accounan named Ami Banerjee becameIns s sng y coc. T IVF oco wo po

procedures, Sudarshan Ghosh Dasidar, sis on he Indian Council oMedical Research which along wih he Naional Academy o Medical

Sciences are he only organizaions overseeing ehics regulaions or

reproducive echnologies in ha naion. Dr. Ghosh Dasidar enhused ha nw ws pc cn o AR (c pocvechnology). As a physician I could no deny him he available echnology

ns o css cops opng o s o amily. Hoping o head of an ehics debae in his counry, he docor

coninued, inexplicably, One canno deny he righ o procreaion o

, wo nony n s cs ws voc. B s


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nancially sable o suppor a child and has a amily ha is more han

willing o bring he child up. And wha abou he loss or he child o

never knowing his or her moher? Te docor replies wih a quesion,

W o c wos o s on vy ? In owords, is i no he righ o would-be parens inenionally o creae

cn w vy s xpnc, n s no ogon

o ocos o p ?

united states

SFBC, gay or sraigh, are popping up around he Unied Saes.

For example, Andy Abowiz, a successul, single gay man living inPhiladelphia, paid a 25-year-old, married docoral suden o donae

ggs n gson sog o cy pgnncy, sng n

g now wo-ys o n, o cny, wn oys now o-ons

o. T gg ono, wo pps os no y copn s is

cns gnc o, con Wn I go [ pcs], I

ws so sps y ow c [ wo-y-o] s wn Iwas ha age. She enhused, I hink is really anasic when children are

born ino siuaions where heyre waned ha much. And while is rue

s ss o wn vy c, ow w cn

make sense o an egg donor and surrogae moher who did notwan hem?

the brokerage of children

Cours are generally all oo happy o say ou o hese cases, busos jg gs wn o ws p n gs ngy.

In 2004, an unmarried, 58-year-old New Jersey schooleacher, Sephen

F. Melinger, conraced hrough a brokerage agency in Pennsylvania wih

a surrogae moher in Souh Carolina, Zaria Nkoya Hufman, o carry his

c w sn ws wy on cv y n y svc. (A

no-nsgncn n o U.S. sogs o y n,

n s pn c n vy coss so y

axpayers.) She conceived win girls. When he due dae neared, Melinger

and Hufman boh raveled o Indiana where Melinger checked ino a

o oo n osp o w vy. A ,

inan wins spen heir early days in neo-naal inensive care. I was in


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Publhed by he Iue Ameca Value, Pp a fee, quaely ublca

ha cue ad deee cvea gag fm u Cee Publc Cvea.

to subscribe to propositions or to learn more about the institute, leae v

u webe a www.amecavalue.g, emal u a @amecavalue.g, he u a

212.246.3942. We ae lcaed a 1841 Badway, Sue 211, New Yk, NY 10023. We ae a -

aa gaza whe m udy ad eghe cvl cey ad Ameca value.

he inensive care uni where Melinger aroused he concern o nurses

wn v o vs w v p on s n on no

occson pp o v cs on s s. T nss so no

ha Melinger did no seem o be aware o he kind o care he girls wouldneed, nor o have made any provisions a home o care or hem, and ha

he was planning o drive hem back o New Jersey by himsel. Te nurses

os n jg ws og n o cs.

In a ery leter ha was reprined in local media, Marion Superior

Cour Judge Marilyn Ann Moores expressed ourage over he whole mater.

She condemned he brokerage o children and asked U.S. Atorney Susan

Books o vw cs n co o sogcy gncy

ng . Moos wo, T ss o no concn gng

emoional impac on children who learn ha hey, in efec, were bough

and paid or and ha heir mohers gave birh as a means o obaining

ony. As o 2009, cs ws s n sp og wns v

n pt o v w Mng.

motherlessness and fatherlessness

T ppnc o sng y coc, y ocos n

lawyers and hereby achieving he blessing o sociey, is ruly sriking.

Tnk o . O socs v, sy, co oo ccso o

ssnss. B n o wo scons go, ossnss ws

con gy, sf o novs n pc s n psycc cs

ss, on ng w co g ws p gy o c.B now? Mossnss s sny song possons n

s so nons w p n o cv o s-y-nconcv

cn. So ong s snc o o (o ) s nnon

such a amily srucure is seen as being ne or children. And he only

reason his change has occurred is becauseincreasingly in he eyes

o socieys leadersan aduls righ o children ouweighs childrensw n o o n .

7 americanvalues.org


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to or der, visit: www.americanvalues.org/bookstore

INSTITUTE

FOR

AMERICAN

VALUES

EST.1988

PUBLICATIONS from the INSTITUTe

My Daddys Name is DonorRs y Cosson on Pnoo's F. EM, Nov D. Gnn, n Kn Ck, Co-Invsgos(Bowy Pcons 1) $10.00

Te Future of MarriageBy Dv Bnknon (Encon Books 7) $17.95

Not surprisingly, [donor conceived] Americans have a complicated

relationship to the reproductive marketplace that made their existence

possible. Their inner lives are the subject of a fascinating study from

the Institute for American Values

Ross Do,New York Times

No one has thought more deeply about marriage as an institutionthan David Blankenhorn. And no one has ever made the case more

powerfully that the future of marriage will determine the future of

Americas children and thus the fate of our democratic experiment .

My Ann Gnon,Learned Hand Professor of Law, Harvard University

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Do Fathers and Mothers Matter