Bolton, Robert (1 986) People skills : how to assert yourself, listen to others, and resolve conflicts. New York : Simon & Schuster. Ch. 5. "Why reflective responses work, pp. 62-76.

CHAPTER RVE

Responses Work

At most points in communication where others would interpret, probe, advise, encourage, we re- flect. . . . Reflection can be, in the hands of an imitating novice, a dull wooden mockery, On pa- per, it often looks particularly so. Yet, it can also be a profound, intimate, empathically under- standing response, requiring great skill and sen- sitivity and intense involvement.'

-1. M. Shlien, therapist

Why Reflective Responses Work 63

People who are learning to listen more effectively often wonder why such importance is placed on reflective responses. 1 explain that what Winston Chur- chill said of democracy applies to reflective listening: it is the worst possible method--except for all the other alternatives! Most of the other options don't work nearly as well when the speaker is under stress or has a problem or other sttong needs.

When people are first introduced to the concept of reflective responses, they often think that this way of listening is too structured, too mechanical, and not "natural" enough. This chapter will explore some of those concerns and then will examine six problems of human communication that can be alleviated by reflective listening. The chapter concludes with what I believe is the best method of dispelling one's doubts about the effectiveness of reflective Iistening.

STYLE AND STRUCTURE IN LISTENING

People in our seminars often say, "When I listen reflectively, I have to stop and think of how to respond. I'm not myself when I do this. Using these listening skills is too contrived and too lacking in spontaneity." One or more of three basic issues is usually relevant to this kind of concern.

First, when people learn a new set of skills, they usually go through an awkward and self-conscious stage before they are at home with the skills. A person's ability often decreases when he begins using a new method. When I went out for basketball, the coach made me change my method of taking a particular shot. For the next few days, my percentage of baskets dropped signifi- cantly. Soon, however, I was shooting better than ever. Similarly, when people first try using these listening skills, they often tell us that they are trying so hard not to send roadblocks and are working so diligently to phrase reflective responses that they miss what the speaker is saying! This does happen to many people, but fortunately only for a brief period.

Someone has said there are four stages in the process of improving com- munication. At first, when a person learns about the impact of the roadblocks he has been sending all his life, he feels guilty. Then he tries the skills but this "new" way of relating seems wooden and artificial. He feels phony. Fortunately, most people go through these two stages fairly quickly.

After using the methods for a few weeks, people often become quite skillful with them. They reflect fairly well, but they are stiIl working at it and are conscious of what they are doing. Finally, after using the skills regularly for a couple of years, this way of relating becomes so integrated into the person's life style that he often does it well and without conscious awareness. He then is like a

64 LISTENING SKILLS Why Reflective Responses Work 61

violinist who has mastered the techniques of his art, The skills become virtually the banjo, certain fingerings are recommended. Individual banjo players using automatic. He plays the music as though the problems of fingering and bowing identical methods (fingerings, etc.) may sound very different from one another,

even when playing the same song, because their styles are so dissimilar. never existed. Similarly, in time and with practice, these skills of communica- tion can become so integrated into your life that they are natural to you. The third issue is that while some kinds of spontaneity are highly desirable,

otherliinds are very destructive. People need to examine their "natural" reactions A second issue that is relevant here is the amount of structure involved in this kind of listening. Beginners at listening skills often think that reflectiva and learn what effects they have. At the least, roadblocks-which tend to be used responses are too rule-governed and therefore that they seem artificial and im. very spontaneously--drive wedges between people and tend, when used re- pede the free flow of a conversation. Actually, even the freest-flowing interao peatedly, to diminish both parties. At the worst, they psychologically maim tions are very structured, rule-governed interchanges. Richard Bandler and John people for life. Grinder write: When people use reflective skills often enough to become ~roficient at it,

when they realize how much all interpersonal communication is governed by When humans communicate-when we talk, discuss, write-we . . . are rules, and when they realize the destructiveness of spontaneous use of almost never conscious of the way in which we order and structure the words roadb]och, they are willing to discipline themselves to engage in reflective we select. Language SO fills our world that we move through it as a fish swims listening when it is appropriate. through water. Although we have little or no consciousness of the way in which we form our communication, our activity-the process of using language-is highly structured. SIX PECULIARITIES

For example, if we take this sentence,which you are now reading and reverse OF HUMAN COMMUNICATION the order of the words, the results would.be nonsense. Here it is in reverse ordec "Nonsense be would results the, words the of order the reverse and reading now There are six problems of human communication that make reflective listening are you sentence this take we if, example for.,# ~ ~ ~ d l ~ ~ and crindu especially appropriate. Four of these ~roblems are common to speakers, hro to continue: listeners. The first speaker problem is that words have different meanings for

different people. The second problem is that people often "code" their messages Our behavior . . . when communicating is rule-governed behavior. Even so fiat their real meaning is masked. Third, people frequently "beat around the though we are not normally aware of the structure in the process of. . . bush"--they talk about one thing when another agenda is far more important to communication, that strunure, the structure of language, can be understood hem+ Finally, many people have trouble getting in touch w ih and construc- in regular patterns2

tively handling their feelings. Listeners have their problems, too. They are easily There is no such thing as unstructured communication. Some of he distracted from the speaker's message and they often hear through filters which

that foster clear communication have been transmitted fairly effectively in out distort much of what was actually said. Let's take a closer 100k at each of these society while other important structures of cammunication, like reflective listen- problems. ing skills, are rarely transmitted. As a result, when we learn these new skills, they seem strange and artificial at first. But they are no more artificial than the rules of Words: Imprecise Vehicles sentence structure, spelling, and so on. of Csmmunication "

Even when I adhere to the patterns of language and the structure of listening skills, I can infuse my individuality into a conversation by what I call style. Style expresses my unique self through nonverbal elements, special wordings, rate of

ppeaking, and other factors that disclose the real me. Though I may choose to use the same skills someone else uses, that'does not mean we will communicate alike. Our styles will be very different, so each of our ways of relating will be unique.

Often the experiences we most want to express do not fit into words and sentences very well. We are not able to say precisely what we mean. As philosopher Alfred North Whitehead said: "The success of language in convey- ing information is highly overrated. . . ."3 Danish scientist Piet Hein also com- mented on this difficulty: "Ideas go in and out of words as air goes in and out of a room with all windows and doors widely open."4 And T. S. Eliot tells us in

This kind of distinction can be found in many fields. When learning to play poetry:

W LISTENING SKILLS

Words strain, Crack and sometimes break, under the burden, Under the tension, slip, slide, perish, Decay with imprecision, will not stay in place, Will not stay still. . 1 .5

Reflective listening enhances communication because it helps the verify his understanding of what the speaker said. At various points in the sation, the reflective listener repeats in his own words his impression of said. If there is some misunderstanding, the speaker can correct it immediate]

Guesswork Is Involved in Understanding the Meaning of the Speaker's "Code" When the president wants to convey directions to the Seventh Fleet

does not want other countries to know about his plans, he sends a coded mes that he hopes will be unintelligible to agents of other countries. In the cours normal conversation, we frequently do a similar thing. At times we are ambivalent about our desire to express ourselves accurately. Part of us despera wants to make ourselves known and part of us wants to stay in hiding. So we oft find ourselves speaking obscurely about our thoughts and even less clearly ab our feelings. Just as the military conceals its messages in code for natio security purposes, so each of us sometimes chooses ways to code our messages personal security purposes.

Often we code our messages without trying. We have been trained fro early childhood to express ourselves indirectly on many topics and feeli

All of us have spent a lifetime coding our own messages and decod messages of others. When my children were young, for example, they ask of questions at bedtime. Usually, those questions really meant, "Please stay me a little longer." A husband brings his wife coffee in bed at the beginnin each day. She decodes the behavior and hears the message: "He loves me wants to tell me daily in small ways." A manager informs his subordinate tha showed the subordinate's report to the president of the company. The subo nate decodes the messages and hears the meaning: "He is pleased with ability."

unfortunately, the unscrambling of coded messages does not always proceed this smoothly. For one thing, we often forget to consider whether we need to decode the other person's message.

A couple of years ago, I received a letter from friends who, unknown to me, were having serious marital problems. I thought it an interesting letter and -d it to a mutual friend. He said, "Their marriage is in trouble and they are

Why Reflective Responses Work 69

this letter as a call for help." I reread the heavily coded letter and ed the hidden signs of distress and the plea for help. I made it a point to m soon after and discovered that our friend was right-their marraige was erge of breakup and they desperately wanted to talk with me. e of the basic reasons for miscommunication is that decoding is always rk. We can hear another person's words and we can observe his actions, can only infer what the words and actions mean. e diagram in Figure 5.1 suggests that a person's behaviors are easily ble-they are on the outside. A person's thoughts, however, are not observable; our only clue to these are the person's behaviors (words and The emotions are pictured in the core of the individual's being because often concealed very carefully. As with thoughts, our only clue to a

s feelings comes to us indirectly through his behaviors.

Figure 5.1. One person can see or hear another person's behaviors. The thoughts and/or feelings can only be guessed at.

one person tries to say something to another, a very inexact process . The way a statement is sent and received can be portrayed as in

HOW SENT HOW RECEIVED

are often imprecise or veiled expressions of his thoughts and only to the listener.

Figure 5.2. The inexactness of the communication process.

LISTENING SKILLS Why Reflective Responses Work 69 Let's take a look at how these imprecise sending and receiving proces

in daily life. A sales manager spoke sternly to his subordinate: "You've getting serious about your job. You're just not on board like the often happens, what was meant was not what was received. The c his feelings andlor thoughts into words andlor actions) and the de for that comment went as pictured in Figure 5.3.

HOW MEANT HOW SENT HOW RECEIVED

Figure 5.3. Typical coding-decoding process. Our tendency to decode another's message inaccurately leads to needl

misunderstanding on both sides. Since the speaker's thoughts and feelings private and known only to him, the listener can only guess what they are. A since the listener's interpretation of the speaker's meaning is private and kn only to the listener, neither may be aware that a misunderstanding exists.

Misunderstandings like this need not happen. In the above situation boss could have expressed himself more directly and accurately. We will wo that skill in the assertion section of this book. But the subordinate could clarified the communication problem by using reflecting skills.

Sales manager: You've got to start getting senour about your job. You're just not on board like the rest of us.

Salesman: It sounds as if you didn't think I'm right for the job. Sales managec No, it's not that. I think you are the right man, but as of this date

you are 20 percent below your sales quota and I'm worried about that.

Salesman: Basically, you've been satisfied with my work except for my fa1 20 percent below my sales quota. That upsets you.

Sales manager: Yes, that's right. One of my top prioriv goals for this year is every salesperson in this department achieve the sales quota set him. What can I do to help?

Salesman: Well, I'm having trouble with one of my target accounts. about coming with me on my next call? If I can get .that account, I'll be over my quota.

"Unreal!" That's what many people think to themselves when they read a dialogue like this. "People don't converse that way in real life." It's true, most people don't talk that way. And the misunderstandings that develop in their

conversations are enormous. But in some companies, when one of the nder stress, the other listens this way and misunderstandings are kept um.

Presenting Problem ay Not Be the Major Concern

le rarely begin a conversation by communicating the things that are of oncern. A woman involved in counseling said, "I was so afraid before seling began that I would get to that subject-and afraid that I ." This ambivalence about speaking of what is most significant to the very common. What is most important to share is often the area where

1s much of himself from others. Everyone "travels in- " to some degree. Yet it is often those very things that we sometimes most

hide most carefully. This results in a phenomenon und the bush." The speaker does not come ay not even hint at the real point of what he is about one topic may impel him to converse topic may keep him speaking about another

es speak of the "presenting problem7' and the "basic me to a teacher or guidance counselor with a com-

about the way his child is being treated in school. With skillful listening, topics of greater concern to the parent. The child's y a real concern, but something else, like a failing bility to cope with the child at home, may be the

nt's mind-and the one he most needs to discuss. o puts his foot into the water to test the tempera-

e plunge, many speakers "test the water7'- e vulnerable areas of their lives to another.

flections which demonstrate understanding and ceptance are much more likely to foster exploration of these important areas an are the more typical responses in our culture. Unfortunately, most people

are prone to zero in on and solve the least important problems-the presenting problems-while the more critical problems and issues remain hidden. Coming up with good solutions to minor problems while the deeper concerns are not even addressed is one of the biggest sources of inepciency in industry, government,. -- - schools, families, dhurchei-counseling centers, and other institutions.

why Reflective Responses Work 71

Speaker May Be Blind We may not like the image we see; still, we would rather decide for to Her Emotions ourselves our next cosmetic move. Or Blinded by Them ~h~ function ofan emotional mirror is to reflect feelings as they are7 without

In our culture! people commonly have two types of problems distortion: feelings- On the one hand, they are often unaware of their own emotions. " ~ t looks as though you are very angry." the other hand, feelings sometimes surge through a person with such force " ~ t Sounds like you hate him very much." reason and other factors become impotent. The person finds himself dangero "lt seems that you are disgusted with the hole setup." out of control and is unable to direct his own destiny at that time. ~h~ T~ a child who has such feelings, these statements are most. helpfu1*

comes when we are blind to our emotions. The second conditio $how him clearly what his feelings are. Clarity of image, whether in a caused when we are blinded by our emotions. Reflective listening helps in looking glass or in an emotional mirror, provides oppofiunit~ for self- situations. initiated grooming and change.6

Ours is a culhre that teaches people to repress their feelings. Fro age, children are taught to distort or repress their feelings. "Be nice to ~h~ minor provided by reflective listening is of great worth sister" - . - "Stop crying" . . . "How many times have I told you not too. angry!" - - "Let the other children play with your toysM . . . "1 don't car Sometimes, instead of being blind to 01.11 emotions, we are blinded them. You feel--do it" . . . "YOU don't know what is good for youJ> . . . '.stop on these occasions, feelings block our rational capacity. We talk about "being in like a scaredy cat" . . . "Stop that silly laughter." fhe grip of powerful emotions,'' implying that, for the moment, feelings have

Men in 01.11 society tend to receive permission to feel some thin umrped our inner being and control us. When people are by their others. Typically, it is acceptable for men to feel angry and a d aggressively, tionr in such a way that neither reason nor willpower have any innuence! they Js not all right for them to admit fear or to want sometines to take a sub are apt to behave in ways detrimental to themselves andlor othen. In such

' role. Women, on the other hand, are often allowed to experience fear a ribafionr, reflective responses can help the person cope with his feelings and use but are taught not to express or even be awaie of anger when it is consum his rational ability. Lem. Other culhral conditioning teaches women, as well as all people M~~~ people believe that if a person inflamed with an emotion is encour- certain religious subcultures, to place others' needs before their own. aged to talk about it, the feeling will escalate. It is also widely thought that people

To the extent that emotions are stifled, people lead dwarfed and in the grips of an emotion are more likely to act on the emotion if verbalize lives. Our emotions help shape our values. They are a fundamenta] pa it. F~~ example, it is commonly believed that a person who is furious with motivation and help to determine our direction and purpose in life. another is more apt to harm him if the angry person speaks about his emotions, provide us with needed clues for solving our problems; they are to Acbally, the reverse is more often true. When a person has a chance to

to others- As Haim Ginott points out, reflective responses help sboui strong feelings to an empathic listener, the likelihood of acting irrationally dren (and adults) become aware of their inner world of emotion; on the basis of those feelings is diminished. The process of talking on a feeling

level drains of the excess emotion SO that the speaker has less need act How can we help a child to know his feelings? We can do so by serving as a out the feelings irrationally. mirror to his emotions. A child learns about his physical likeness by seeing his image in a mirror. He learns about his emotional likeness by hearing his feelings reflected by US. Mafly Listeners rhe function o f a mirror is to reflect an image as it is, without flaij-eery

Are Easily Distracted Or We do not want a mirror to tell us, "You look terrible. Your eyes While speaking real meanings is not easy, at the end of the are and Your face is puffy. Altogether you are a mess. You'd better ersation the listener is often beset by problems, too. Many listeners are do 'ometlling about yourself." After a few exposures to such a magic mirror, acted and dip off on a reverie while the speaker is talking. Also, evelyone has we would avoid it like the plague. From a mirror we want an image, not a ast a few filters that block or distort some of the meanings being

L~STENING SKILLS why Reflective Responses Work 73

sent to us. Let2 turn now to ways in which reflective responses can help tk listener deal more effectively with these problems. - Une of the reasons for poor listening (and also for good listening) is ihi people can think much faster than they can talk. The average rate of speech to most Americans is about 125 words per minute. This rate is slow for the ear ad brain, which can process words about four times that fast. While we listen, a: have a lot of spare time for thinking.

0 The typical listener uses this spare time poorly. After beginning to listen tot friend with interest, the listener's mind may grow bored with the slow pace o f h conversation. He soon finds he can take a mental vacation and still get a bit of& message. So while his friend continues to talk, the "listener" plans the next day! work or relishes last week's tennis victory. He checks back with his friend from time to time, notes the drift of the conversation, and makes a few appropriatt remarks, but spends most of the time with his own thoughts. Listeners sometima stay out on a reverie too long and then miss a central point that was shared.

Remember the fable of the tortoise and the hare? Poor listeners often end up in the predicament of the hare who raced the slow-moving tortoise. The han stopped by the side of the road to go to sleep; the tortoise finally paned won the race. When the hare awakened, it was too late to catch up. Pmr get OR the track for a while and then find they cannot catch up to the being expressed by the tortoise-paced speaker. x

There are many times, of course, when we manage to go off on tangents and still concentrate on the conversation enough to have a fairly gocd understanding of its content. This does not constitute good listening by my definition. The hearer is not deeply involved in the interaction. He is not personally present with the other in a rich and fulfill. Ing way.

Filters Distort What the Listener Hears John Drakeford writes about "attention Pters" that keep us frqm being

overwhelmed by the increasing amount of sound in our modern world: The brain . . . is programmed by years of experience and conditioning to handle the auditory impressions with which it is fed. Like a busy executive's efficient secretary who sorts out the correspondence, keeping only the most important for his personal perusal, some sounds arc summarily rejected, while others have the total attention focused on them. . . . Not unlike the ground crews of jet airlines who carefully position ear guards for protection against the earsplitting sounds of the whining engines, modern man has had to develop a self-protective mechanism to defend himself from the constant acoustical bombardment of twentieth-century living. Most hu-

mans are engaged in a lifelong process of gradually building up their own personal internal ear plugs and training themselves to ignore certain sounds. . . . There is abviously wisdom in the natural tendency we have not to listen. The mechanism protects us in so many ways. But it also does us a disservice because it causes us to miss many of the things to which we should l i ~ t e n . ~

In addition to the attention filters described by Drakeford, each of us has what might be called emotional filters that block or distort our understanding. Most people have heard of Pavlov's famous experiment in which he taught a dog to salivate at the sound of a bell. In the 1930s, Gregory Razran, of New York's Queens College, conditioned people to salivate in response to certain words like "style" and "um."~ Razran's experimentr demonstrated that it is possible to systematically give words emotional connotutions that are totally unrelated to their rational meanings.

The conditioning process by which most of us develop our emotional filters is often less systematic, but not necessarily less ~owerful than Razran's approach. In our childhood, parents, teachers, or other esteemed adults or peen may have coupled words like communist, hospital, politician, black, and cop with quiet snms, scowls, frowns, or other gestures of contempt. Other seemingly neutral words and ideas may have been accompanied by smiles and other signs of pleasure. Once such conditioning takes place, often without design, the child (or adult) reacts to the words emotionally. The gut-level response to the now emo- tionally laden word interferes with the reception of messages containing that word.

In a training session for executive managers, the distortion from emotional filters was clearly demonstrated. Five executives were asked to leave the room. The people remaining were asked to study the picture shown in Figure 5.4, which was projected onto a screen.

After the group had examined the picture, the projector was turned off. One of the managers was asked to return from oubide the mom and listen to a description of the picture by a man who had studied it. Another manager was then called into the room and asked to listen to the description as it was repeated by the manager who just preceded him back into the room. This ~rocedure was followed until all five men had returned individually and heard the description. The last man was asked to face the group with his back to the screen and tell what he had been told the picture contained. The projector was turned on so the group could visually compare the scene with the verbal description they heard.

The distortions that occurred in those descriptions were considerable. The black and the white man were now fighting. Some of the other passengers were involved in the fight. Others were frightened. The razor was in the hands of the

Why Reflective Responses Work 79

- - Figure 5.4, Projected picture from experiment on accuracy of communication, Source: Antl-Defamation League of B'nai B'rith, Rumor Clinic.

black. The white man wore the business suit and the black was dressed as a l a b ~ r e r . ~ Each executive heard the descriptions through his own emotional filten, resulting in gross misunderstanding. Emotional filters inevitably impede our listening ability.

Our expectations of others constitute another set of filters through which we Lten. During sensitive union negotiations, a manager suddenly realized that he was not listening clearly. He asked a labor leader to repeat his comments and later admitted to a friend, "Sometimes I don't hear him clearly because of what l expect him to say." Numerous couples are in a similar boat. A husband may think he knows what his partner will say on a given topic and respond on the basis of his expectations rather than in terms of what his wife actually said. Parents a children misunderstand each other similarly.

A person's self-image may distort the reception of the other person's thoug and feelings. Someone with low self-esteem may expect criticism from 0th and read that meaning into the most innocent of statements. One woman 1s defensive about her homemaking; when her husband praises his mother's hash, she thinks he is criticizing her cooking. The husband feels insecure about the amount of income he earns; when his wife mentions she is tired from house- 74

cleaning, he takes it as a slur on his ability to provide her with help. A woman who had very strong filters said, "My husband says I could read something into a cookbook."

In the First and Last Freedom, Krishnamurti says: To be able to really listen, one sllould abandon or put aside all pre- judices. . . . When you are in a receptive state of mind, things can be easily understood. . . . But, unfortunately, most of us listen through a screen of resistance. We are screened with prejudices, whether religious or spiritual, psychological or scientific; or, with daily worries, desires and fears. And with these fears for a screen, we listen. Therefore, we listen really to our own noise, our own sound, not to what is being said.Iu

Reflective responses are effective ways to correct the misunderstandings that: occur because of our filters. If what we reflect back is inaccurate, the other person virtually always corrects it.

A Check on Accuracy: A Channel for Warmth and Concern Since it is so difficult for humans to say precisely what is on their minds and

in their hearts, and since it is so hard for us to listen without distraction or distortion to what others are saying, we desperately need a check for accuracy in our conversations. To do this, the effective listener frequently reflects back the gist of what he has heard as a check that his understandings match the speaker's meanings.

As important as accuracy is in communication, most people want more than that. They crave the warmth and concern that can come to them from another human being. In moments of strong feeling, significant worries, or serious prob- lems, a person often feels alone and needs human contact and support. The empathic listener is there for the other in a unique way that communicates warmth and concern. The reflective listener helps the other person to experience community in the midst of a lonely struggle.

SKEPTICISM IS BEST .DISSOLVED BY ACTION

Explaining some of the rationale for reflective listening helps many people realize why this method of listening can foster better interpersonal understand- ing. Theory contributes to "informed consent" and thereby allows a person to. experiment with new ways of relating, not just because some "authority" advo- cates those methods, but because his own mind agrees that these methods may make sense after all.

The ultimate test, however, is not in the mind but in the arena of daily life$-{ Regardless of theory, the issue of whether effective reflections used appropriately! tend to enhance or diminish cornrnunication must be determined in the rough and tumble of one's daily interactions. Ultimately the wo& of reflective re sponses cannot be decided in the mind but must be decided on the basis I$

experience. As Thomas Carlyle, the English essayisf, wrote, "Doubt of any sort cannot be removed exceDt by action."ll Constructive skepticism field-tests ihi hypotheses it is examining.

The next two chapters contain guidelines that will help you develop im. proved reflecting skills. Tiley will help you develop suEcient ability to give this approach to listening a fair trial.

SUMMARY

-~lc are introduced to reflective listening -- skills, -- they -.- are often skeptical ab~~hsppr_op$~~$_"ess-~n theirlives. They feel awkward and phony whe6"thq

_first use the skills. This, however, i a y one stage of ski11 development, and will' quickly pass if they continue developing the skills. Some p e o F a n that this method is too "structured." That complaint seems less pertinent when we see that all communication is inevit.abIy s t r u c t u r e G m n ---- we rear~&t struc. ture does not prevent the expression of individual style. Again, people say this method thwarts their spontaneity. While it may be good to value many kinds of spontaneity, the damage done by the impulsive use of roadblocks makes reflec- tive responses seem more appealing.

Then, too, reflective listening makes more sense to some people when they consider six peculiarities of human communication:

1. Words have different meanings for different people. 2. People oken "code" their messages. 3. People frequently talk about "presenting problems" when another topic is of

greater concern to them. 4. The speaker may be blind to her emotions or blinded by them, 5. Listeners are often easily distracted. 6. Listeners hear through "filters" that distort much of what is being said.

Reflective listening provides a check for accuracy and a channel through which warmth and concern can be communicated.

While theory helps inform one's decision about whether to experiment with reflective responses, the ultimate test of the worth of these methods cannot be determined by the rationale developed in this chapter but only by your experi- ence of using the skills appropriately and well in daily life.