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Divorce
Presenters:
Cory Cook
Coco James
Alexis Asay
Jeremy Toone
To Start With:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxFB5RDmBIA
The Divorce RateThe Option of Marriage vs. Cohabitation
By Cory Cook
No Fault Divorce
The Legacy of Divorce: According the information in the Wallerstein text, the modern divorce experience began just after the year 1960, which is 15 years after the declining divorce rate of 1950. There was a spike in the divorce rate after the end of World War 2 and in the 1970’s:
“Then in an upheaval akin to a cataclysmic earthquake, family law in California changed overnight. A series of statewide task forces recommended that men and women should no longer be required to prove that their spouse was unfaithful, unfit, cruel, or incompatible. It was time, they said to end the hypocrisyT embodied in laws that severely restricted divorce. The final task force that formulated the new no-fault divorce laws was led by law professor Herma Kay, who was well known as an advocate for women’s rights. In 1969, Governor Ronald Reagan signed the new law and people were jubilant” (Wallerstein; xxii, Introduction).
The Divorce Rate
Most people in our society have probably heard the U.S divorce rate is 50 percent through the media and other subjective resources of information. The statistic is true in the sense that each year about have as many divorces are granted as there are marriages performed. The totals are 2.2 million marriages and about 1.1 million divorces (Statistical Abstract 2007: Tables 17, 76, 119). Professor of sociology James M. Henslin has objectively pointed out:
“What is wrong, then, with saying that the divorce rate is about 50 percent? Think about it for a moment. Why should we compare the number of divorces and marriages that take place in the same year? The couples who divorce do not—with rare exceptions—come from the group that married that year. The one number has nothing to do with the other, so these statistics in no way established the divorce rate. What figures should we compare, then? Couples who divorce are drawn from the entire group of married people in the country. Since the United States has 60,000,000 married couples, and only about 1 million of them obtain divorces in a year, the divorce rate for any given year is less than 2 percent. A couple’s chances of still being married at the end of the first year is 98 percent—not bad odds—and certainly much better odds than the mass media would have us believe” (Henslin, 485).
The Option of Marriage vs. Cohabitation
In the last generation (30 years), there has been an increase in couples living together before marriage which is called cohabitation.
Cohabitation: “Adults living together in a sexual relationship without being married. This figure is one of the most remarkable in sociology. Hardly ever do we have totals that rise this steeply and consistently. Cohabitation is almost ten times more common today than it was 30 years ago. Today, 60 percent of couples who marry for the first time have lived together before marriage. A generation ago it was just 8 percent (Bianchi and Casper 2000; Batalova and Cohen 2002). Cohabitation has become so common that about 40 percent of U.S children will spend some time in a cohabiting family (Scommegna 2002). Commitment is the essential difference between cohabitation and marriage. In marriage, the assumption is permanence; in cohabitation, couples agree to remain together for as long as it works out” (Henslin, 482).
Children Out of Wedlock
Unmarried Mothers: “Births to single women in the United States have increased during the past decades, going from 10 percent in 1970 to 36 percent today (Statistical Abstract 1995:Table 94; 2007:Table 84). Let’s place these births in global perspective. The United States is not alone in its increase. Of the twelve nations for which we have data, all except Japan have experienced sharp increases in births to unmarried mothers” (Henslin, 484).
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce
Children of Divorce: “Children whose parents divorce are more likely than children reared by both parents to experience emotional problems, both during childhood and after they grow up (Amato and Sobolewski 2001; Weitoft et al. 2003). They are also more likely to become juvenile delinquents (Wallerstein et al. 2001), and less likely to complete high school, to attend college, and to graduate from college (McLanahan and Schwartz 2002). Finally, the children of divorce are themselves more likely to divorce (Wolfinger 2003), perpetuating a marriage-divorce cycle” (Henslin, 488).
Work Cited
Henslin, M. James (2008). Sociology A Down-To-Earth Approach Ninth Edition. Pearson and AB Inc., Boston, New York, San Francisco, Mexico City, Montreal, Toronto, London, Madrid, Munich, Paris Hong Kong, Singapore, Tokyo Cape Town, Sydney
Gendered Divorce
“Ah yes, divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” - Robin Williams
Coco James
Divorce experience based on gender
Filing During the divorce The divorce itself After the divorce Dating Remarriage Kids
Feminism and divorce – the debate
“Divorce transforms family power from intact patriarchy to post-divorce matriarchy”
Divorce Effects on Children
Alexis Asay
How Does Divorce Affect Children? :
Children can experience a wide range of feelings when their parents divorce, such as sadness, anger, loneliness, bewilderment and anxiety. Children usually hide these feelings from their parents.
The long term effects of divorce on children (a lot of children) is that fear that they caused the break up and they need reassurance that this isn't the case.
Children and Divorce
The prevailing wisdom—that the first two years is a period of crisis for the kids involved in a divorce—is backed by recent sociological studies, but there is something you can do to minimize those consequences: make peace with your ex.
A peaceful divorce will naturally have less of an impact on children. When children feel the need to take sides, defend one parent to another, or watch protect themselves, it’s hard for them to settle into their new role. It’s a bewildering, destabilizing time, made all the worse by a continuation (or an escalation) of the conflict. When parents rage against one another or the changed circumstances of their lives, their rage overshadows everything.
The effects on Children:
First of all, divorce is almost always stressful for children. Most children do not want their parents to separate (unless the marriage was full of intense conflict and anger or other sources of misery not suitable for children). Divorce also can strain parent-child relationships, lead to lost contact with one parent, create economic hardships, and increase conflict between parents (including legal conflicts — for a way to avoid these see Emery's Divorce Mediation Study). For all these reasons, most children have a hard time during the divorce transition. How long the transition lasts depends upon on how calm or how chaotic you and your ex make it. Parents who do a good job managing the stresses of divorce for children often are surprised by how quickly their kids make the adjustment.
Second, divorce clearly increases the risk that children will suffer from psychological and behavioral problems. Troubled children are particularly likely to develop problems with anger, disobedience, and rule violations. School achievement also can suffer. Other children become sad for prolonged periods of time. They may become depressed, anxious, or become perhaps overly responsible kids who end up caring for their parents instead of getting cared for by them.
Third — and this is very important, the great majority of children whose parents divorce do not develop these kinds of serious behavioral or emotional problems. Most children from divorced families are resilient, especially when their parents do a reasonably good job managing the stress of divorce. These children — most children from divorced families — feel and function pretty much like kids whose parents are married. They are not "children of divorce." They are what we want all children to be: just kids.
The effects on Children:
Fourth — and this is also very important, many resilient children still report painful memories and ongoing worries about divorce, their relationships with their parents, and their parents' relationship with each other. Below is a graph of the percentage who reported painful feelings on some of our carefully structured items. Keep in mind as you look at these dramatic findings, pain is not pathology. Grief is not a mental disorder. Even though many of these young people expressed longing about their parents' divorce, these were resilient, well functioning college students. You may not be able to fully protect your children from the pain of divorce, and you probably shouldn't try. Children are entitled to their feelings. Children need to be allowed to grieve.
Children and Divorce: Do’s and Don’ts
Do: Be honest. Keep things simple and straightforward. You don’t need to go into potentially damaging details, but kids are smart and you can’t fool them. Don’t wait until one parent is ready to move to let your children know what’s happening.
Do: Make sure that your children have a place all their own at both parents’ homes. Even if it’s just a corner in a room, children should feel at home at both places and not like visitors.
Do: Tell your children that the divorce isn’t their fault. Children blame themselves. Repeatedly tell them that they are not at fault for your divorce.
Do: Learn to bite your tongue around your ex-spouse. Your children probably had to listen to you two bicker before you split up and they’re probably sick of it. Be the bigger guy and turn the other cheek. Be open and courteous during your interactions with your former spouse. Remember, you have little eyes watching you.
Do: Get help for your kids. Your children may need a counselor to talk with. They may be experiencing physical stress in the form of stomachaches or nausea. Talk to your family doctor about what you can do to help.
Don’t: Discuss your spouse’s faults with your children. Don’t put your children in the position of defending your former spouse. Trying to get your children to choose ‘sides’ in a divorce will just lead to tension between you and your ex-partner and emotional distress for you kids. If you don’t have anything nice to say, just don’t say anything at all.
Don’t: Bribe or try to buy your children’s favor with “stuff”. Children love gifts, but they want stability and a comforting environment.
Don’t: Allow your children to become therapists/best friends. Do not confide all of your problems to your children. Do not expect them to carry the weight of your problems.
Don’t: Be a pushover. If you’re going through a divorce, you are probably feeling guilty and you may be agreeing to more than you should. You may just want to get it over with, but remember–you are an advocate for your children. Fight for what is best for them.
So if you find yourself in the midst of the same battle but on a new field, consider these tips:
Talk with kids in a positive, straightforward manner about the decision that has been made; straight talk is essential. They need to know what’s happened to their lives. They need to know that their parents have divorced one another, but that they haven’t divorced the kids. Their mother is still their mother and their father is still their father. Kids need to be able to rely on something, and that is this: some things never change.
Keep in mind that while you are in the process of becoming a new person, your kids don’t need a stranger in the house. If the person you are becoming lacks the empathy and concern for those who are so central to your life, children can’t help but feel alienated from you. So be good to yourself, but try to be kind to your ex, too. You want your kids to recognize who you are and to continue to know how to relate to you. Their need for you is never greater than right now. And no matter how disappointing the custody arrangement is, they need to see you and your ex working things out in respectful ways that don’t put the kids’ feelings at risk.
As a newly solo parent, the most important thing you can do now is to find time to be with your child in ways that focus on what’s right in their lives, not what’s wrong. The time you have with your kids is even more important now that you have less of it. One way to make the most of that time is to continue to provide a secure home. If you can afford it, try to create double sets of everything and eliminate the need for kids to schlep their lives around in backpacks. This includes basic essentials like toothbrushes, sippy cups, favorite foods, and more.
Works Cited:
Source: Laumann-Billings, L. &. Emery, R.E. (2000). Distress among young adults from divorced families. Journal of Family Psychology, 14, 671-687.
http://blogs.smarter.com/babieskids/2009/07/06/children-and-divorce-dos-and-donts/ http://divorce.clementlaw.com/child-custody/communicating-with-children-of-divorce--what-
shouldnt-you-say/
Marriage Readiness and Avoiding Divorce
Jeremy Toone
Pre-Marriage Considerations
Concerned with Happiness?
Ranking of overall personal happiness AND HEALTH in the U.S.
Married Men Married Women Single Men Single Women
Contributing factors to happiness and health: Stronger social supportInternal support system (spouse), that is readily available for supportCommitted willingness to support each other.Encouragement extends beyond the 'nag factor'-couples are less likely to smoke or drink to excess. Economic Benefits*: The possibility of two incomes can buffer job and other stresses and make a more comfortable lifestyle a reality. *Nationally, only 11 percent of married couples fall below the poverty line; 50 percent of single-parent households fall into this category.
Since a successful marriage can foster mental and physical health, researchers believe that it also can contribute to a longer, healthier life.
Top 25 Signs to Watch For
Someone has said that before we get married we should keep our eyes WIDE OPEN and that after marriage, we should keep our eyes HALF SHUT.
Below is a TOP 25 checklist of signs or Red Flags that we hope will be helpful to pay attention to when considering your date or prospective partner.
Adapted from D.E. Brinley & M.D. Ogletree, First Comes Love[Covenant Communications: American Fork, Ut., 2001], pp. 75-77.
TOP 25 List - Continued
Does your partner - Have extreme views on political, family, religious, or world affairs? Encourage you to develop your talents and progress, or do they want to keep you hidden in a closet, away from the rest of the world? Allow you time for yourself, or is your partner possessive? Encourage you to have your own interests, your own life too? Allow you to spend time with your friends, or is your partner jealous of your friends and the time you spend with them? Compare you to past boyfriends or girlfriends? Take an interest in other people, or is your partner selfish with his/her time and pursuits? Exhibit behaviors that suggest that the world revolves around him/her? Exhibit behaviors that suggest personality faults such as deep insecurity, excessive jealousy, uncontrollable temper, and inflexibility? Exhibit character flaws such as being condescending, or lying, cheating, stealing, arrogance, etc. (This often wont change) Fail to admit mistakes and can never admit to being "wrong?" (Note: If your partner fails to see mistakes now, he/she won't be able to see
them or admit to them later on in the relationship either. Look for humility and meekness, but personal confidence, as well) Often exhibit negative or critical traits? Complain about your family or spending time with your family? Seek to build relationships with your family or does your partner lack the skills to do so? Have difficulty relating to his/her own family? (Note: This is a huge Red Flag that your partner will have difficulty in his/her own family
relationships later on) Enjoy work or is your partner prone to laziness and irresponsibility? Have the television on all the time at his/her apartment or home? Criticize your personal appearance? Tell you that you need to lift weights, go jogging, or join a health club? WHAT? Make fun of your weight or other bodily traits? Verbally, physically, or emotionally abuse you? Tear you down and then try to come back a few days later as "Mr. Nice Guy," promising that it will never happen again? Need to make major social or emotional changes in his/her life? Promise that he/she will change after the wedding? WHAT? Have some of the same goals, dreams, and aspirations as you do?
Managing Conflict
The potential for conflict exists whenever and wherever people have contact. It basically involves one or more of the following: 1) threats; 2) incompatible interests or goals; or 3) incomplete understanding or hidden personal feelings. In creative management of conflict all parties need to:
Recognize and acknowledge that it exists. Facilitate open, accurate communication and active listening. Maintain an objective, not emotional stance--stay on the issues, not people. Negotiation is a cooperative enterprise, common interests must be sought in which everybody
wins something. Make the necessary adjustments, reinforce, confirm, make the agreement work.
Remember the words of Robert Townsend: "A good manager does not try to eliminate conflict, he tries to keep it from wasting the energies of his people." All conflict cannot be resolved. Sometimes individuals do not think it is in their best interest--the price is too high. Resolution means negotiation toward a creative solution--if one party is unwilling to do that, the conflict will continue.
Also remember – the myth of “Don’t go to bed leaving an argument with your loved one’s “open-ended”. Live by the phrase – “Sleep on it”. Arguments can be magnified when both parties are emotionally aggressive.
Words from an Experienced Counselor
How to avoid divorce: Get counseling, read relationship books together, &/or attend marriage seminars together. Get help early - before the word "divorce" comes up. Many folks work harder on vehicle maintenance and dental prevention than marriage tending. What's up with these priorities?
Signs of a struggling relationship: Couples being disrespectful to each other, feeling like it isn't safe in the relationship to say how you really feel, build up of resentment toward your partner, or a third party being involved (affair).
Possible repairs that can be made to avoid divorce: Own your choices that are contributing to the problems, don't stop at just saying you're sorry, learn to listen to your partner better, express your appreciation more, etc.
Nancy X. CardSTRESS Rx, Ogden, Utah801-394-4910
The End
