Disturbing the Disturbing the UniverseUniverse

FeracoFeraco

Myth to Science FictionMyth to Science Fiction

9 June 20109 June 2010

My senior quote was, “Everything you My senior quote was, “Everything you do comes back to you, whatever it do comes back to you, whatever it may be.”may be.”

I got it from a 311 song. I got it from a 311 song.

At the time, I thought it was really At the time, I thought it was really deep.deep.

Now I just think it’s appropriate.Now I just think it’s appropriate.

My mother’s a nurse, my big sister is a My mother’s a nurse, my big sister is a doctor, and my little sister is trying doctor, and my little sister is trying to become a veterinarian. to become a veterinarian.

I don’t take after either of them in I don’t take after either of them in that sense.that sense.

But I do share their desire to heal.But I do share their desire to heal.

I have always wanted to fix things, I have always wanted to fix things, and not in the conventional hammer-and not in the conventional hammer-and-nails sense.and-nails sense.

I’m deeply conflict-averse for a I’m deeply conflict-averse for a number of reasons, and it distressed number of reasons, and it distressed me a lot to see all of the fighting and me a lot to see all of the fighting and struggle in the world. struggle in the world.

I couldn’t understand why people I couldn’t understand why people fought in wars, or why friendships fought in wars, or why friendships didn’t last forever. didn’t last forever.

I didn’t understand why we hurt I didn’t understand why we hurt wildlife, or why people didn’t always wildlife, or why people didn’t always give money to the homeless when give money to the homeless when they saw them. they saw them.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I saw I didn’t realize it at the time, but I saw the world that way – that we did a the world that way – that we did a ton of hurtful things out of laziness. ton of hurtful things out of laziness.

I thought that our problems were a I thought that our problems were a matter of effort more than a matter of effort more than a reflection of intractable differences.reflection of intractable differences.

So I dared to dream when I was So I dared to dream when I was young.young.

I dreamed of a peaceful world.I dreamed of a peaceful world.

A better world. A better world.

A world I had a part in shaping.A world I had a part in shaping.

Not a big part – I never wanted that – Not a big part – I never wanted that – but a part.but a part.

Almost all of my daydreams were Almost all of my daydreams were about fixing these things that about fixing these things that needed fixing.needed fixing.

I wasn’t a hero fighting dragons; I was I wasn’t a hero fighting dragons; I was someone who made people happy, someone who made people happy, who gave someone food, who helped who gave someone food, who helped someone even younger than me not someone even younger than me not be so scared of something. be so scared of something.

I really did think that I could help I really did think that I could help make a better world.make a better world.

It wasn’t anything like a conscious It wasn’t anything like a conscious decision – that I would commit decision – that I would commit myself to self-sacrifice on the myself to self-sacrifice on the world’s behalf.world’s behalf.

I just though that I could fix things if I I just though that I could fix things if I tried hard enough, that if I reached tried hard enough, that if I reached out far enough I could wrap my arms out far enough I could wrap my arms around the world and hold around the world and hold everything together. everything together.

I was a pretty intense and earnest I was a pretty intense and earnest little kid, and I couldn’t stand the little kid, and I couldn’t stand the thought of letting something go thought of letting something go wrong when I could have stopped it.wrong when I could have stopped it.

I still remember going to the museum I still remember going to the museum on a field trip in third grade, seeing on a field trip in third grade, seeing a homeless person outside of it, and a homeless person outside of it, and handing him my entire lunch bag – handing him my entire lunch bag – everything in it. everything in it.

Specifically, I still remember how Specifically, I still remember how happily startled he looked – as happily startled he looked – as though that was the first time in a though that was the first time in a long time that someone had treated long time that someone had treated him like a human being.him like a human being.

At that point, I still didn’t know that At that point, I still didn’t know that you were supposed to help others you were supposed to help others when it made you look more when it made you look more impressive, when it boosted a impressive, when it boosted a resume or a college application. resume or a college application.

I just wanted to help.I just wanted to help.

I tried making what seemed like a I tried making what seemed like a billion friends – I cared deeply about billion friends – I cared deeply about anyone who was even remotely nice anyone who was even remotely nice to me – and tried talking to to me – and tried talking to everyone.everyone.

I talked I talked all the timeall the time; I don’t think half ; I don’t think half of my teachers knew what to do with of my teachers knew what to do with me, and I spent a lot of time in the me, and I spent a lot of time in the “time-out” chair. (When I look back, “time-out” chair. (When I look back, I don’t know what I would have done I don’t know what I would have done with myself either.)with myself either.)

But I wanted the lives of the people But I wanted the lives of the people around me to be as close to perfect around me to be as close to perfect as possible, and I as possible, and I workedworked to make to make everyone happy. everyone happy.

That didn’t always go so well when I That didn’t always go so well when I was young, but it worked great as I was young, but it worked great as I got older.got older.

I made friends, good friends – smart, I made friends, good friends – smart, pretty, hilarious, brave.pretty, hilarious, brave.

Their futures were bright.Their futures were bright.

In high school, we were everywhere – In high school, we were everywhere – on varsity teams and honor rolls, on varsity teams and honor rolls, scattered throughout downtown on scattered throughout downtown on our summer jobs, racing through life our summer jobs, racing through life as hard as we could and having a ton as hard as we could and having a ton of fun doing it.of fun doing it.

We made memories together; it We made memories together; it sounds sappy, but it’s true.sounds sappy, but it’s true.

And we were going to make a And we were going to make a difference – we were the kids who difference – we were the kids who still wanted to be astronauts as still wanted to be astronauts as teenagers, who talked about teenagers, who talked about traveling overseas to help the traveling overseas to help the impoverished in India, who were impoverished in India, who were going to enter local governments going to enter local governments and police forces and make life and police forces and make life better for others.better for others.

WeWe were going to build a better world. were going to build a better world.

Then the old world ended.Then the old world ended.

We graduated, we moved, we shifted.We graduated, we moved, we shifted.

I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready.

But the world marched on.But the world marched on.

So I went into diplomacy – the art of So I went into diplomacy – the art of helping people, right? – when I got to helping people, right? – when I got to Occidental.Occidental.

I made some friends, and more than I made some friends, and more than anything, I wanted to re-form the anything, I wanted to re-form the community I’d left behind.community I’d left behind.

But that wasn’t fair.But that wasn’t fair.

I only came to understand this much I only came to understand this much later, but you have that context in later, but you have that context in your friendships because you’ve your friendships because you’ve internalized pieces of them – pieces internalized pieces of them – pieces of their pasts are pieces of yours, so of their pasts are pieces of yours, so you literally end up tethered to them you literally end up tethered to them at certain points in time.at certain points in time.

They’re part of you.They’re part of you.

Your friends Your friends willwill be different from the be different from the people you loved here because they people you loved here because they don’t have that shared history.don’t have that shared history.

They didn’t grow up here.They didn’t grow up here.

They don’t share your memories.They don’t share your memories.

They don’t remember the stupid They don’t remember the stupid things that you thought were things that you thought were hilarious in seventh grade. hilarious in seventh grade.

You conspired with them to deliver You conspired with them to deliver Valentine’s Day surprises;Valentine’s Day surprises;

cheered for them at soccer games on cheered for them at soccer games on Saturday mornings;Saturday mornings;

lent them your clothes;lent them your clothes;

drafted them three picks early so they drafted them three picks early so they wouldn’t be the last ones chosen;wouldn’t be the last ones chosen;

broke dishes at their houses and made broke dishes at their houses and made amends with parents who saw you as amends with parents who saw you as surrogate sons and daughters;surrogate sons and daughters;

fought to see who could swing highest fought to see who could swing highest on the elementary school swingsets on the elementary school swingsets nine years after leaving that school;nine years after leaving that school;

slept next to them under open slept next to them under open Yosemite skies;Yosemite skies;

helped them bury their pets;helped them bury their pets;

set up “running debts” because set up “running debts” because neither of you ever had enough neither of you ever had enough money to reliably pay the other money to reliably pay the other back;back;

raced bikes down grassy hills to see raced bikes down grassy hills to see who could crash the hardest;who could crash the hardest;

lied to them until you felt guilty and lied to them until you felt guilty and confessed;confessed;

filled out your first job applications filled out your first job applications together;together;

walked with them downtown at three walked with them downtown at three in the morning to talk about in the morning to talk about whatever seemed important at three whatever seemed important at three in the morning;in the morning;

talked to their girlfriends when they talked to their girlfriends when they fought until you convinced the two fought until you convinced the two to give one another a second to give one another a second chance…chance…

Everyone’s got different memories, Everyone’s got different memories, but you know what I’m talking but you know what I’m talking about.about.

It’s the detritus and debris of a messy, It’s the detritus and debris of a messy, well-loved childhood, and you’re so well-loved childhood, and you’re so tangled up in each other that you tangled up in each other that you can’t tell which parts of the person can’t tell which parts of the person you care about because of the past you care about because of the past or present. or present.

That’s why it’s not fair to demand so That’s why it’s not fair to demand so much from your new friends, at least much from your new friends, at least not right off the bat.not right off the bat.

Don’t get me wrong: they should be Don’t get me wrong: they should be good people.good people.

You should be better with them than You should be better with them than without them.without them.

They shouldn’t just interest you – they They shouldn’t just interest you – they should fascinate you.should fascinate you.

You should want to catch up on You should want to catch up on eighteen years’ lost time. eighteen years’ lost time.

But they don’t have the context of But they don’t have the context of your childhood, and they your childhood, and they nevernever will. will.

It is It is impossibleimpossible to find that anywhere to find that anywhere else.else.

So don’t chase ghosts.So don’t chase ghosts.

Love the people you come across Love the people you come across when they deserve it, and don’t hold when they deserve it, and don’t hold everyone to standards they can’t everyone to standards they can’t meet. meet.

Be fair, open, willing, wise, and kind Be fair, open, willing, wise, and kind to people, even if those things get to people, even if those things get you hurt.you hurt.

A life lived without others is a paler A life lived without others is a paler life, painful or not. life, painful or not.

I didn’t understand this at the time.I didn’t understand this at the time.

I just looked around myself and saw a I just looked around myself and saw a life that paled in every conceivable life that paled in every conceivable way to the life I had led mere way to the life I had led mere months before.months before.

I’ll spare you the details, but I had a I’ll spare you the details, but I had a difficult first semester.difficult first semester.

At first, I retreated from the world.At first, I retreated from the world.

I just curled into a ball, shot back into I just curled into a ball, shot back into my shell, put on the armor.my shell, put on the armor.

I shut out the world and shut myself I shut out the world and shut myself off from it.off from it.

I went to the same classes, hung out I went to the same classes, hung out with the same friends, but I was no with the same friends, but I was no longer interested in fixing or longer interested in fixing or building building anythinganything..

The energy I used to dedicate towards The energy I used to dedicate towards people was now put towards building people was now put towards building successful fake football franchises in successful fake football franchises in the Madden video games (23 the Madden video games (23 seasons’ worth of one).seasons’ worth of one).

I no longer solved problems.I no longer solved problems.

I no longer cared when people talked I no longer cared when people talked to me about theirs.to me about theirs.

More than anything, I just wanted More than anything, I just wanted everything to stop – to lie down and everything to stop – to lie down and heal – but there was never any time. heal – but there was never any time.

That was a hard place to be in.That was a hard place to be in.

Eventually, I realized I wasn’t being Eventually, I realized I wasn’t being fair to myself or anyone else by fair to myself or anyone else by shutting myself off.shutting myself off.

I slowly began to appreciate the I slowly began to appreciate the people I was with for who they were people I was with for who they were instead of resenting them for who instead of resenting them for who they weren’t – and it’s a good thing, they weren’t – and it’s a good thing, because my old friends were because my old friends were changing elsewhere just as changing elsewhere just as dramatically as I was changing here.dramatically as I was changing here.

I took opportunities to do fun things – I took opportunities to do fun things – start a radio show! – that I’d never start a radio show! – that I’d never taken before.taken before.

I found education. I found education.

It’s hard to re-learn how to help, how It’s hard to re-learn how to help, how to invest yourself in other people, to invest yourself in other people, how to care, especially when life – how to care, especially when life – college! – provides you with more college! – provides you with more than enough distractions…but I did, than enough distractions…but I did, and teaching helped.and teaching helped.

So understand what I mean when I say So understand what I mean when I say I’m a lucky man.I’m a lucky man.

I have found myself a career where I I have found myself a career where I can be helpful – where I can be a can be helpful – where I can be a healer again.healer again.

I have found a career where people I have found a career where people will care about you if you care about will care about you if you care about them.them.

I have found a career where I get to I have found a career where I get to throw stones into ponds every day, throw stones into ponds every day, and where the ripples always and where the ripples always surprise me.surprise me.

I have found a career where those I have found a career where those around me will laugh, and love, and around me will laugh, and love, and explore – where people still live as explore – where people still live as intensely as I once did, where people intensely as I once did, where people still still feelfeel as intensely as I once as intensely as I once allowed myself to feel. allowed myself to feel.

And yes, I’ve picked a career where And yes, I’ve picked a career where the people you care about so deeply the people you care about so deeply leave you in the end.leave you in the end.

That’s never the fun part.That’s never the fun part.

But look at it this way: I picked a But look at it this way: I picked a career where the people around you career where the people around you matter enough to be missed when matter enough to be missed when they go.they go.

I get to invest in people again, and the I get to invest in people again, and the most wonderful part is that those most wonderful part is that those people – you – will invest back.people – you – will invest back.

So I guess everything you do So I guess everything you do doesdoes come back to you.come back to you.

It’s graduation time again, and I’m It’s graduation time again, and I’m surrounded once more by incredible surrounded once more by incredible people – the people who are going to people – the people who are going to build a better world.build a better world.

And I can only hope that I’ve given And I can only hope that I’ve given enough of myself to help you do enough of myself to help you do that, because I’m putting my faith in that, because I’m putting my faith in you.you.

I really do believe your generation will I really do believe your generation will change the world, because it wants change the world, because it wants to, and because it has to. to, and because it has to.

Someone asked me once to name the Someone asked me once to name the one thing I wanted you to take away one thing I wanted you to take away from my class, and while I can’t give from my class, and while I can’t give one answer, I can give you one answer, I can give you anan answer.answer.

When you leave this class, the things When you leave this class, the things that you take away are the things that you take away are the things that justify my faith in you – the fact that justify my faith in you – the fact that you think, the fact that you care that you think, the fact that you care – the fact that you’ll invest in life – the fact that you’ll invest in life while you still have the energy you while you still have the energy you need to do so.need to do so.

So my hopes are really high for you; I So my hopes are really high for you; I feel like you’ve learned enough that feel like you’ve learned enough that I can trust you to do certain things. I can trust you to do certain things.

I trust you to remember the most I trust you to remember the most important message of Dr. King’s important message of Dr. King’s letter – that the time is letter – that the time is alwaysalways ripe ripe to do the right thing – and to to do the right thing – and to summon the courage to choose summon the courage to choose what’s right over what’s convenient.what’s right over what’s convenient.

I trust you to love others and yourself I trust you to love others and yourself without fear of rejection, and to without fear of rejection, and to build a life you’ll love instead of a build a life you’ll love instead of a life you’ll accept. life you’ll accept.

I trust you to sympathize with people I trust you to sympathize with people despite differences that threaten to despite differences that threaten to separate the two of you. Remember separate the two of you. Remember compassion – it’s what makes us compassion – it’s what makes us human. human.

I trust you to relentlessly pursue self-I trust you to relentlessly pursue self-awareness and understanding, and awareness and understanding, and to never be satisfied and to never be satisfied and comfortable with ignorance. comfortable with ignorance.

I trust you to remain gentle and kind I trust you to remain gentle and kind in your dealings with others. in your dealings with others.

I trust you to be thankful for your I trust you to be thankful for your fortune and privileged place in fortune and privileged place in history. history.

I trust you to heal the wounds of the I trust you to heal the wounds of the past and carve the path to a better past and carve the path to a better future, to give your children a better future, to give your children a better world than world than youryour parents gave parents gave youyou. .

I trust you to remain curious and in I trust you to remain curious and in love with life.love with life.

I trust you to seize every opportunity I trust you to seize every opportunity to blaze new ground that you can, to blaze new ground that you can, because I see in your eyes that same because I see in your eyes that same desire to build, heal, and explore. desire to build, heal, and explore.

I trust you to be part of a generation I trust you to be part of a generation worth following, a generation worth worth following, a generation worth hope and excitement, a generation hope and excitement, a generation worth fighting for, a generation worth fighting for, a generation worth writing about – a generation of worth writing about – a generation of leaders appearing when we need leaders appearing when we need them most. them most.

I trust you to live a life that will justify I trust you to live a life that will justify the applause I’ll give you on the the applause I’ll give you on the 11th, that will justify the bittersweet 11th, that will justify the bittersweet sting of joy laced with loss.sting of joy laced with loss.

I trust you to make me proud. I trust you to make me proud.

I dared to dream when I was young. I dared to dream when I was young.

I dreamed of a peaceful world. A I dreamed of a peaceful world. A better world.better world.

I still dare to dream, and I have you to I still dare to dream, and I have you to thank for that. thank for that.

I believe in you – every single one of I believe in you – every single one of you.you.

Every one of you has gifts and talents Every one of you has gifts and talents I wish I shared, and I’m privileged to I wish I shared, and I’m privileged to have enjoyed the opportunity to have enjoyed the opportunity to share this year with you. share this year with you.

I’ve traveled a long, confusing road, I’ve traveled a long, confusing road, and everything I’ve experienced and everything I’ve experienced during the first twenty-three years during the first twenty-three years of my life somehow led me to a city of my life somehow led me to a city I’d never even heard of before 2007.I’d never even heard of before 2007.

I couldn’t be luckier. I couldn’t be luckier.

So, now that it’s come down to the So, now that it’s come down to the end, I wanted to thank you.end, I wanted to thank you.

Thank you for treating me fairly, Thank you for treating me fairly, honestly, and respectfully, and for honestly, and respectfully, and for your compassion and kindness each your compassion and kindness each day.day.

Thank you for helping me as I Thank you for helping me as I continue to revive my love of reading continue to revive my love of reading and learning, and for allowing me to and learning, and for allowing me to keep living the life I didn’t realize I keep living the life I didn’t realize I wanted. wanted.

Thank you for justifying the time and Thank you for justifying the time and energy I poured into this semester energy I poured into this semester while the outside world kept while the outside world kept marching on, and for buying into a marching on, and for buying into a course I worked so hard to create. course I worked so hard to create.

Thank you for forgiving my mistakes Thank you for forgiving my mistakes whenever they cropped up.whenever they cropped up.

Thank you for taking chances and Thank you for taking chances and daring to grow.daring to grow.

And I thank you from the bottom of And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for spending your final my heart for spending your final semester at Arcadia High as my semester at Arcadia High as my student.student.

Thank you for everything, class of Thank you for everything, class of 2010. You made it. 2010. You made it.

Go disturb the universe. Go disturb the universe.

Go build a better world. Go build a better world.

Good luck, and safe travels. Good luck, and safe travels.

May everything you do come back to May everything you do come back to you…and keep your eyes on the you…and keep your eyes on the stars.stars.