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GUIDELINES, POLICIES,". .... ...•'~.'

DISRUPTIVE BEHAVIOR AND··'CONFLICT RESOLUTION

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Disruptive Behavior andThe Miracle of Change

What is Disruptive Behavior? Webster's Dictionary defines disnJptive as causingdisruption; altematively, produced by disruption. The definition for disruption is thEfact or state of being disruptive. Webster defines Behavior as a matter of behaving;conduct; manners; the carriage of oneself with respect of proprietary morals. If WE

add these two definitions together, we find that in essence we have a disruptioncaused by ones own moral respects. As recovering addicts ancll alcoholics, wehave learned that we must employ certain restraints on ourselves in order to producethe Miracle of Change. Change is any variation or alteration in form, state. qualit)or. essence. With the willingness of change established we can now analyze andascertain our recovery program. Many of us have chosen the use of AA or NAprograms to teach us that principals are more important than personalities. Someof us have chosen alternative methods of recovery such as the use of a psychiatrisior the Church. What is important her is the realization that we aria only human andtherefore capable of emotional morals. We must constantly remlind ourselves toput the principle over their personality.

In an Oxford House environment, we leam that we must put our behaviors andemotions aside so the benefit resides within the house. The Ox1ford Principle isconstructed on a democratic basis. The welfare of the house mlJlstalways be first.Ina democratic environment, we must put human emotions and olpinions aside andconcentrate on the principles that the house is built on. This is the basis of ourrecovery. This is why we leam 10 employ human morals such as Humility. Opennessand Truth in our everyday lives. The individual personal conflict~a that erupt withinthe house are not dangerOus unless the group conscience of the house is jeopardized.If these matters cannot be solved, then the alternative is a HOUS4it Contract. The

. .contract is not meant to be a punishment, but a "toor to enable the person to correctbehaviors. The contract is a simple set of rules in order to obtain a positive result.Its presence also make a sta1ement saying "hey. we care" to the individual. TheOxford life-style, in general, is a supporting factor to our recovef)~ Many of uswould not be able to survive the perils of addiction it was not assured by the OxfordHouse Concept In conclusion, this article was written as a guide, not as a resentmentor rule. It is merely presented to you, the reader, so that you may raise a questionand be able to discuss its contents with your fellow housemates.

"&2mplc GuideliM3 fo,. Expulsion From ail Oxford J.-Iou~

(0 compilation from several Oxford House Sources)

It is the mission of the chapter to ensure that each Oxford House is providing Q "sofe haven- for recovery.The primary vehicle for ensuring a safe haven for r«OVerf is by enfordng the importance of living up tocharters 9ranted to member houses by Oxford House. lne..

In keeping with the Oxford House, Inc. tradition, Chaptet" One. Wcshington, DC Qd<nowledges tncrt thefollowing acts are gI"OundS for immediate expulsion:

1. A rclopse into the use of alcohol or drogs2. The fQilure to pay any fees (rent, fines, e+e.) owed.3. The exhibition of disroptive behavior

For the purpose of General Rules of Expulsion, the following definition of -DisroPtive Behavior' is used:

DiSMJptiw behavior includes participating in arr( criminal activity Such os drug trafficking, prostiMion.shop-lifting, Q.SSQIJtt, and theft within the house or any other a:ctivity, whidt may threaten the standingof the Oxford House in the community. In addition, violence or any threat of violence or destl'\JCtion ofpl"'Oputy ore considereddisruptiw behavior.

Exhibitions of any part of the above definition of disMJptive behavior by members of chartered OxfordHouses should. without question, result in immediate expulsion.

Suggested Guidelines for Expulsion

1. Members who relapse or refuse to pay rent, or are guilty or the above definition of disruptive behavior'must be expelled as quickly Q$ the house deems appropriate (a 51 per cent vote of all house members is neededfor expulsion). In the case af behavioral problems, house$ should institu-te systems of fin£$. Pl"'Obationsorwarnings.

If there are repeated behavioral offenses and the house. by democratic vote, deems the behavioral acts ofthe member' inconducive to recovery in the Oxford tradition, then dismissal procedures could take place.These procedures could include giving Q two-week notice and refund of security deposit. Unused rent is alwaysreturned to members who are expelled for whatever reason.

2. Any house member who feels he/she is being unfairly asked to leave an Oxford House. tray. within the two-week period prior to leeving, appeal to the Chapter Housing Service Committee to mediate the dispute. TheChapter Housing Servi<:e Committee wil' then suggest Q solution to the full committee for Q YOte.

It should be emphasized that if at all possible internal conflicts should be worked out" at the House level andbrought to the Chapter Housing Service Committee only as Q lost resort.

Dlsrupfive behavior versus behavioral problems

me Scribner English Dictionary defines dlsrupfive OS to break 0 •• to break apart. Behovio ••, as the most generalword. applie.:s to our action in the presence of others. Problem is defined as a difficult matter to be settled ora question set forth for solution or discussion.

It seems each house decides, based on the healthiness of the recovery in the house. what constitutes abeJ,ayjoral problem and what is disruptive..

Marry chapters and state associations have established guidelin;,s fl'l.r di$~tive beMv\Or -that cOnsti-rutepossible expulsion, but some individualsin houses still make up their ownself-serving rules.

A behavioral problem connected to the process of reCI:Jve.rycon be as mundane as a result of an incompletechore or as significant as isolation: in the midst of the psychological trauma of the fourth step: a personalityconflict with another member: an unhealthy relationship: and any lXlrl of our old behcviors.

Change is a vital part of a healthy recovery. Change does not imply the other individualbut you. Each of U!! isat our ownlevel of growth and acceptance - "live and Let live" The one personality defect that we can controlis our attitude. We often hear the old adage of drinking of life from a half empty or' a half full cup. Shiftingthe focus on sotreone else's behavior lecves us void of honesty about ourselves. If you take the 'me" out ofblame, all you have is bla, bla, bra.The only inventory we should be concerned with is our own.

Oxford is intended to act as a surrogate family and Q support system, neither a treatment program nor adictatorial entity. We have no bosses in Oxford House. It does not mean that someone is not an importantpart of the family if for some reason their behavior does not coincide with you.Oxford House should be a safehaven. We must always put principles before personality. The welfare of the entire house and the principles ofour tradition should come first. Manyof us choose to use a 12-step program. This teaches us that service toother alcoholics and addicts is a vital part of our own recovery. What greater opportunity could we have thathelping Q roommate explore solutions to their behavioral problem? We have seen many individualsturn theirlives around while livingin an Oxford House.

Suggested Guidelines for Behavior M.odificationMtJnyhouses use a contract, fines, and revocation of certain privileges or probation when some one displaysrepeated behaviors that could be construed as disruptive to the house as a whole.

An example of revoking special privileges might be for someone who doesn't clean up after themselves in thekitchen or laundry area would lose the use of the kitchen or laundry areas for one week. Fines could be forncn-ccmple+ionof a chore or a late fee for tardy rent. A contract might be used after warnings or previousdiscussion about a ceMain behavior that is disrupting the serenity of the house or is putting the individual injeopardy of relapse.

The members of the house should write out the offending behaviors and the individualunder contract writesthe means by which they will take to correct it. "The contract is intended as Q tool to aid the offender. not as apunishment.

Definitions of Relop$!

Relapse con come in different forms - the easiest one to deal with is the 'for sure" relapse when a membercomes in obviouslyintoxicated or high on drugs and admits relapse. Because there is no denial to deal with. theother rrembers hove the time to concentrate on getting help for this resident. Howe\IU, there are moredifficult types of relapse - many relapses can only be discerned by lookingat behavior change - late paymentof rent - lapse in doing chores - argumentative or isolating behaviors - are all warning signs. R~tnember tokeep principles cbove personalities and think wlth your head and not your heart.

Another form of relapse is misusing prescription or over the counter drugs. Drugs mus+be taken according topr-escr+ptionsor directions <D"I-d residents who are geffirig prescriptions should inform the doctor of his/heraddict status.

Another form of relapse is when a member is using and others knowabout it and do not blow the whistle - inthis case, all whoare using and all who knewabout it are considered a relapse.

.. ,OXFORD HOUSE MEMBER CONTRACT

FOR

DISRUPTIVE ANDIOR RELAPSe BEHAV10RS AND/OR PATTERNS

House Name and Location:

Length of Contract:

Member under Contract

ThIs contract represents our concem and responsibilitY as Oxford House members. To help you helpyourself. we have o~served: . .

Behaviors and/or Patterns:

1.

2.3.

Contract Terms

Step 1Step2 ~ _

Step3__~------------------~------------------~---------------------Step4~-------------------------------------------------------------

I. . ' acknowledge and accept full responsibility for my plan. of recovery as outlined In this contract. Being fully aware if I am found negligent of said terms as outlined

above. during any Urns of contract length, I am subject to Immediate expulsion from thIs Oxford House.as well as possible future Oxford House membership.

Dated this day of , _Signature

We. your housemembers and roommates, friends in and for recovery for life, are wlUng to go to any lengthwith you, not ror you.

President: Members:

Treasurer.

Secretary:Comptroller.

Coordinator:

Oxford House Member Contract For Disruptive Behavior

Hou~

Thii ~ontrad is d~ed to help you help yourSA!lf. A.syour hous@f11atls, we have ob~erved the followina behavieH and/orpatterns that are dlSl'\Jpting the smooth operation ot this House.Disruptive 8ehilvlon:

r,2.

The House is asking that you modIfy your behavior in the following ways in order to best faalitate your recr:Nety and therecovery of everyone in the house.5peciIk 8ehw1or Changes:

1.

2.3.

--This contract will be reviewed at each regular house meeting for its' duration and may be modified at any time by amajority vote of the House membership. .

Thirty days from the beginning of the contract. the House membership will vote to either:1. condude the contract satisfactorily and retain tile member2. expel the member for disruptive behavior3. extend ancVor modify the contract and continue it .~~--§ •.~~-~

I acknowledge and accept full responsi'bHity for my plan of recCNery as outfined in this contract. I understand and accepttf1at this ccntract may be modfied by a majority vote c:I the membentlip and that failure to canply with the terms of thiscontrad may result in my expulsion trom this Oxford House.

IDate

We ~ housemate5 and brotheriVsistersin recovery are willing to go to any length with you. but not for you.

Signature Date

Signature Date

Signature Date

Signature Date

Signature Dare

Signature Date

-~~;'~::~~~a~ru~:e~e----------------------------------------------------------~\-:_a_.~_e ~_

Week 1 Review:

Week 2 Revie.»:

Weec 3 RevieYr.

Week 4 Review:

Contract ended on Date:

Action Taken:

Additional Comments:

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Re: Contracts for Residents

Oxford House is a Membership Organization. A recovering individual appliesfor Membershio in an Oxford House. As part of his/her Membership, theindividual agrees to abide by the democratically established rules of the Houseand share equally in the expenses of maintaining the House. .. '

The Membershio AD plication Form'" is the only form required for. the safetyand protection of every House. The Membership Application Forni .has beentested in Court and found to be enforceable. All Members of Oxford Housesshould have filled out and signed this form when they applied to a House formembership.

Membership Applications are part of the permanent records that individualHouses must keep. The Application Form is the same for all Oxford Houses.

Individual Houses are free to place a Member "On Contract" if the Housedeems that the individual Member needs a more structured environment or set ofrules. Contracts are sometimes useful when dealing with behavioral or~bl~ms. -

» Contracts may include mandatory attendance at rneetinqs, specify thenumber of meetings, or specify other adions that a member must lake ormeet in order to achieve or maintain membership in the House.::(~..;

» A House must vote to initiate a contract and document. its J~rms andpurpose in the minutes of the House meeting.

» Failure to comply with contract terms is valid grounds for dismiss'at

);- Contracts are strictly a matter between the House and its Members.);- Oxford House, Inc. does not sanction or provide suggested ferms for

member contracts.

Houses and Chapters are free to devise new or modify forms, which they mayfind useful or wish to .use. The National Services Office always welcomes copiesof any special forms or suggestions that could improve existing forms.

Please note the following:

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Q. When a member is expelled and owes money to the House, can theHouse keep the member's unused "share of expenses" paid in advanceand his/her Sobriety Deposit to cover unpaid bills?

A. By law a "landlord" must return unused rent to an expelled tenant.

However a Member of an Oxford House is NOT a Tenant in an OxfordHouse. He· or she pays his/her share of expenses as a Member of theHouse. It is up to the House to vote on how much of the expelled member's"share of expenses" paid in advance and his or her Sobriety Deposit may beor should be applied to unpaid expenses in accordance with the terms of thesigned Application Form. Fines and other penalties imposed by House Voteprior to the Member being expelled may be considered to be expenses.

Q. Can a House keep an expelled members personal belongings to coverunpaid rent or other bills?

A NO, a House may not keep a member's personal effects to cover unpaid rentor any other bills.

~ If a Member is evicted and/or leaves personal effects in the House, theHouse is obligated to keep them in a safe place for a reasonable amountof time.

~ The House must notify the Member or Contact Person listed on theApplication Form by Certified Mail (Return Receiot Requested) if andwhen the House intends to dispose of personal property. Indicate whenthe House plans to act (minimum 2 weeks notice).

~ Warning: If the House sells a Member's property, the Member is entitledto the cash proceeds.

~ If you must pack-up a Member's personal effects, do it with a witness anddocument what you have done and why in the minutes of the next Housemeeting.

Oxford House, Inc. subscribes to the KISS rule. We have only THREE rulesfor Member Houses. However, these three rules are absolute:

1. An Oxford House must be self-run and self-supporting.

2. An Oxford House must have democratically elected officers.

3. An Oxford House must expel immediately any member who relapses.

Conflict Resolution in the Oxford House

You are in your room watching TV; all of a sudden you hear screaming andyelling coming from the living room. Your heart starts beating fast becauseyou know you are the President of your house and wi\I be expected to handlethis situation. You never liked conflict so how do you deal with this.

1. Don't try to fix it yourself. Call a meeting immediately. There ispower in the group conscience.

2. Let the house know you are going to mediate this situation.3. Ask the individuals to stop speaking to each other and to begin

addressing you the mediator.4. Lay the ground rules. They are as follows: Each person has five

uninterrupted minutes to speak to the group about what there issueis.

5. At this point the mediator should summarize what the problem is.Make sure what you have stated is correct with that individual.

6. Ask the members of the house to share their experience, strengthand hope about this situation.

7. The house as Q whole should come up with Q game plan on how toresolve this dispute. Keeping in mind that everyone has positiveaspects to their personality. Everyone should share somethingpositive about each individual in the conflict.

8. Always remember -get out of the problem and into the solution"

Violent Behavior is grounds for eviction.

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Forgiveness

Very few people know how to apologize, while fewer still know how to acceptan apology. Since we are human and make mistakes, an important skill toknow is how to apologize. Four rules are recommended:

1. Do it as soon as possible. The longer you weir the harder it is becausethe more you can imagine ways your apology might be turned againstyou.

2. Be specific about the behavior you are apologizing for, not like a .Washington politician: "If I did anything wrong ..." Rather "When you...when 1...1did not think ... etc." Take time describing the specificbehavior.

3. Tell your feelings about the event and your feelings now. IIIamembarrassed to think about how thoughtless that was ..."

4. Tell how that is not like your usual or typical behavior, so you end byaffirming yourself. Secondly. when accepting an apology: Do not say:1am glad you finally see your mistake. or it's about time, or I am stillhurting ... and other shoot-from-the-hip statements that aggravatethe tension. So, if you can honestly do so, either simply "0K, let's geton with our work (life, relationship, whc+ever-)," or better, "I am sorryfor my part also."

A good definition of forgiveness, by psychologist Robert Enright is:

• "Givingup the resentment to which you are entitled. and offering tothe persons who hurt you friendlier attitudes to which they are notentl+led."

Those who refuse to forgive carry the 'ghost' of the hurtful person and giveaway their own power to this memory. Without doubt, those with whom onechooses to remain angry will continue to control one. even when andparticularly when one denies this is so. Those who have not resolvedconflicts with family members will carry that garbage into their currentrelationships even though they may be blind to the fact. I have seen itrepeatedly. Whatever is repressed is bound to be repeated. Resentmentlimits one's emotional. physical and spiritual development.