Discipline Paradigms and Philosophies for Parents

recipes versus understanding(27 slides)

creatively compiled by dr. michael farnworth

Past research on discipline show three important parental behaviors:

Parental Support (good)

Parental Control (good up to a point)

Parental Anxiety (not good)

HIGH, MEDIUM or LOW

Parental Support: love, attention, respect, time spent with, involvement, talking to, being kind, taking care

of, protecting

Parental Control: expectations, managing attempts, coercion, punishments, threats, manipulation

attempts, guidelines, yelling, name calling, time outs, grounding

Parental Anxiety: worry, insecurity, unease, apprehensions, fears, fretful, freaking out, acting

afraid,

These three parental behaviors can be gauged on a high to low continuum.

Examples follow:

low support-low control-low anxietymedium support-medium control-medium anxiety

high support-high control-high anxiety

and any other possible combinations.

As a general rule good children’s behaviors are associated with medium to high parental

support-medium parental control and low parental anxiety.

Bad children’s behaviors are associated with low parental support-low or high parental

control and high parental anxiety.

Children’s good behavior:

Academic achievementSelf-esteemCreativityMoral behaviorSocial competenceConformitySelf-control

In each case...

The best things happen when parents used a combination of high support, medium control and low anxiety.

Low support means the parents are uninvolved and don’t care.

Low or high control means the parents don’t care since they let their child do anything or try to control them in everything.

Medium to high anxiety means the parents feel guilty, intimidated and afraid and are easily manipulated by the child, which not a good thing.

Let this sink in…

As much as possible, parents need to love their children but maintain expectations that are clearly communicated to the child about appropriate

behaviors at home and out in public.

Some parents may think letting their child do anything they want is being loving but it is being irresponsible as a parent.

Being overly permissive or uninvolved will have negative consequences to the child’s behaviors.

As well as being overly controlling and punitive. Involvement shows the child that you care.

The parent has to feel grounded in them self so that the child can feel secure when they push on the boundaries, as they most certainly will.

Much damage can be done when parents are insecure and fluctuate all over the place.

Being inconsistent is not a good thing. Feeling guilty is not a good thing. Yelling and losing control is the epitome of anxiety and is not good.

The old paradigm of discipline:

HumiliationBelittlingCriticizingLabelingCondescending remarksExploitationHarshnessLove Withdrawal

Some questions to ask ourselves...

Do we really want to pursue an adversarial relationship with our children?

Do we really believe children naturally revel in selfish, antisocial behavior and stop only when the fear what will happen to them?

Continued...

Do we want to construe our relationship with our children as a “battle of power” where we either win or lose?

Do we really believe the dichotomy of thinking: either we punish them or let them get away with it?

The temptation to punish grows as the act persists, not because punishment becomes inherently more sensible but because we

become more desperate as we parents try and maintain control.

Punishment and rewards are the tools of coercion

Don’t move a child roughly if you can move her gently; don’t move her gently if you can tell her to move; don’t tell her if you can ask her.

The three c’s of problem solving:

1. Content: parental requests may be developmentally wrong, create conflict of needs, or are unnecessary and cruel.

2. Collaboration: means mutual consulting, explaining, planning, listening, and evaluating.

3. Choice: sharing the power in making decisions about them and their future depending on their developmental age.

When your children are young start the time out concept together.

Go with them to the chair/corner and visit about what your doing and why.

Over time, gradually leave them for longer periods of time by themselves until they understand.

The “time out” concept:

1. Institutionalize the “time out”: talk about and label the area and what it is for( it should be a neutral area like a corner or chair in a corner).

2. Have a timer to set the time out limits ( the younger the age the shorter the time)

CONTINUED...

3. The time out is increased according to age and severity of inappropriate behavior.

(this is a parental judgment call)

4. Administer time out with calmness, firmness and fairness.

(discuss and label energies and their acceptable behavior)

CONTINUED...

5. Reaffirm the relationship with attention, humor, and affection when the time out is over.

6. Hint: give one warning when possible and then act with firm and calm follow through.

The philosophy of time out

The philosophy of time out is based upon the notion that humans need to belong and find acceptance.

The time out utilizes upon this need as a way to teach children what is acceptable.

It is usually effective if done consistently and fairly.

Values of a healthy family include the following:

1. A legal system: rules, boundaries, and moral thinking.

2. An economy: work, support, sharing the energy of money.

3. Traditions: daily, weekly and yearly.

Secrets of strong families, which you can work on developing.

1. Commitment: family is first

2. Communication: they talk about their issues they don’t ignore them

3. Time: they spend quantities of time together while trying to make it fun when possible

4. Spiritual wellness: they have spiritual values and concerns for other people.

5. Coping with crisis: they have skills to cope and change, which can be practiced even if it is difficult.

The new discipline paradigm:

1. Children treated with respect will respond in kind, over time.

2. Be real, safe, and vulnerable. Communicate your humanness: strengths and weaknesses.

3. Create cooperation. Side step power struggles, be patient. Have boundaries.

CONTINUED...

4. Be available to your child. Nothing will ever replace your gift of time and self.

5. Love is based on equality. Teach by modeling and boundaries. Use dignity, free of intimidation and criticism. Apologize.

Love will never force.

With that being the case if you want to force your child to behave that can be an

option but don’t think you are doing it out of love.

A wounded ego or your own need for control is more likely a motivation than

love.

The take home message about this presentation is that a parent will do just fine at parenting if they focus on supporting their child while engaging a

medium use of control.

Consistency, grounded in their own sense of self will counter the anxiety which is never in the best

interest of the child.

There are no magic secrets or recipes to discipline but being a kind but firm personality that is secure in their approach, whatever that is, is a good place

to start.

Understanding that you can be an good parent just by trying to accept and being kind to your children will go

a long way.

You don’t have to know everything. In fact you will be a better parent if you acknowledge your humanness and keep trying to offer support with a medium amount of

control and hopefully do it in such a way as to exhibiting little to know anxiety and stress.

Be cool. Just be cool.

If you take yourself seriously your children will too.

the end