Tips for Couples and ParentsGreat Marriage: Myth or Reality?•Great Children: Nightmare or Dream?•Great Parenting Skills Tool Box: •Impossibility or Probability?Great Conflict Management Approach: •Transforming Conflict into Opportunities

J O H N N G

Dim Sum FAmiLYFOR

THE

Contents

Foreword by Associate Professor Ho Peng Kee xv

Message by Mrs Yu-Foo Yee Shoon xvii

Preface — Great beginning: Why dim sum for the family? xix

Acknowledgement of Gratitude xxvii

EMCC xxix

Great MarriaGe: Myth or reality? 1

Great marriage break-up: A runaway train 3

Great Marriage Break-up Factors 6

Factor 1 Distorted values: Money not enough 7

Factor 2 Work life pressures: The rat race 11

Factor 3 Doing little or nothing: No TLC 13

Factor 4 Rising expectations: Demanding spouses 16

Factor 5 Temptations are all around: Sex on the stand 20

Factor 6 Perseverance is a dirty word: “Nowism” on the rise 23

Factor 7 Little or no competence: Learning on the fly 25

Factor 8 Exasperating living habits: Small things count 27

Factor 9 Power of the emotions: Uncontrollable feelings 31

Factor 10 Pride gets in the way: The “kia-su” mentality 33

Copyright © John Ng 2009

Jointly Published by

ARMOUR Publishing Pte LtdKent Ridge Post OfficeP. O. Box 1193, Singapore 911107Email: mail@armourpublishing.comWebsite: www.armourpublishing.com

And

EMCC (Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre)31 Boon Tat Street#02-01 Eagles CenterSingapore 069625Email: reachus@emcc.org.sgWebsite: www.emcc.org.sg

13 12 11 10 09 5 4 3 2 1

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner.

Printed in Singapore

ISBN 13: 978-981-4270-15-1ISBN 10: 981-4270-15-6

x

Dim Sum for the Family

xi

Contents

Trait 5 Rebounding spirit: Recover to discover 95

Trait 6 Enquiring mind: Absorbing sponge 99

Trait 7 Compassion for the poor: Heart of gold 102

Great parenting: Starting with parents 105

Rules for Bringing Up Great Children 107

Rule 1 Start with yourself: Monkey see, gorilla do 108

Rule 2 Marriage matters: Love your spouse 111

Rule 3 Kids have simple taste: They want us not things 114

Rule 4 Relationship is more important than issues: 117 We are raising children not flowers!

Rule 5 Create environment of possibility: 120 Climate determines the fruit

Rule 6 Be interested in their interests: 123 Guitar first, study later

Rule 7 Nurture their passion not ours: Find their joy 125

Rule 8 Help them cope with failures: We are all human 129

Rule 9 Cool it: Don’t take yourself too seriously 132

Rule 10 Affirm them: Positive strokes for every kid 134

Great ParentinG SkillS tool Box: 139 iMPoSSiBility or ProBaBility?

Great Affirmation 141

Great affirmation: Rediscovering the lost art 142

How NOT to affirm: Two common mistakes 146

The “how” of affirmation: Six principles in affirmation 151

The “what” of affirmation: Three key aspects in affirmation 158

Great regret: Let’s have no lost moments 162

Great marriage build-up: Changing the ball game 35

Principles for Building Great Marriages 38

Principle 1 Nurture shared values: Synergize values 39 and perspectives

Principle 2 Manage our differences: The 5 A principles 42

Principle 3 Affirm each other’s strengths: Don’t take each 46 other for granted

Principle 4 Share pain and gain together: Half the pain 48 and double the joy

Principle 5 Try a little kindness: Little things count 51

Principle 6 Allow mutual influence: Tit for tat 54

Principle 7 Manage around unresolved conflicts: 56

Learn to recoverPrinciple 8 Make your spouse your best friend: 60

Friendship mattersPrinciple 9 Have an accountability community: 63

We can’t do it alonePrinciple 10 Take your sex life seriously and enjoy 66

Great marriage: A perspective 69

Great Children: niGhtMare or dreaM? 73

Bringing up great children 75

Traits of Great Children 78

Trait 1 Zest for life: Twinkle in their eyes 79

Trait 2 Healthy values in life: Solid as gold 85

Trait 3 Grateful to people: Thankful spirit 89

Trait 4 Enjoy deep friendship: Ties that bind 92

xii

Dim Sum for the Family

xiii

Contents

Transforming Conflict Approach: 242

Meta’s Eight Golden Rules

Transforming conflict approach: Meta’s eight golden rules 243

Transforming Conflict Styles: 252

Moving from Destruction to Construction

Style 1 Constant nagging 253

Style 2 Harsh start-ups 258

Style 3 Criticism 260

Style 4 Defensiveness 263

Style 5 Contempt 265

Style 6 Stonewalling 268

Style 7 “One-leg” kicking 271

Style 8 Failure in repair and failure to repair 274

Style 9 “Smiling tiger, hidden dragon” 277

Style 10 Confession approach 280

Style 11 Physical violence 283

Style 12 More negativity than positivity 285

Great endinG: end with the 289 BeGinninG in Mind

Great ending: End with the beginning in mind 291

End notes 296

Great Apology 164

Great apology: Championing the cause 165

Great apology: Why apologize? 167

Great apology: How should we apologize? 170

Great apology: How to accept apology from our children? 173

Great Discipline 176

Great discipline: Building of character 177

Purpose of discipline 180

Perspective in discipline 184

The practice of discipline 190

Great ConfliCt ManaGeMent 207 aPProaCh: tranSforMinG ConfliCt into oPPortunitieS

Appreciating the Nature of Conflict 209

Perspective 1 Conflict is natural: It is inevitable 210

Perspective 2 Conflict is neutral: It is neither good nor bad 212

Perspective 3 Most conflicts are irresolvable: They will not go away 215

Perspective 4 Conflict recovery heals the wound: 219 It has to happen

Perspective 5 Absence of conflict is not necessarily healthy: 222 It must be disclosed appropriately

Understanding Why Conflict Happens 225

Understanding why conflict happens 226

Setting the right climate 239

Preface

Great beginning: Why dim sum for the family?

“At work, you think of the children you have left at home.

At home, you think of the work you’ve left unfinished.

Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart

is rent.”

Golda Meir

“Make happy those who are near, and those who are far

will come.”

Chinese proverb

Marriage and family life is in crisis all over the world. Marriages are breaking down in every major city of the world with Asia bearing the major brunt of having the highest divorce rates over the past decade.

We affirm what Henri-Frédéric Amiel said, “Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind.”

Unfortunately, we hurt the most those who are closest to us.

xx

Dim Sum for the Family Preface

xxvi

Dim sum challenges: Little time and strained relationshipsMy wife and I find ourselves facing tremendous challenges trying to build a great marriage. We have never worked harder. Before she had an early retirement as a banker, she faced tremendous challenges at work. When she was working, she had to manage three children and upkeep the home. I am sure many women can identify with her juggling between work and family.

In the meanwhile, I am managing three organizations that have added greatly to the pressure. Plus, I am frequently traveling for business trips, making the pressure to perform even greater. At the same time, I have to be a good husband and wise father to the children. Prioritizing is always a challenge. The result: We have little time for each other.

We then discover that unless we “make” the time and put in the effort to strengthen our marital relationship, it’s going to drift apart.

Dim sum for marriage: Small fights but big impact

“All married couples should learn the art of battle as

they should learn the art of making love. Good battle

is objective and honest — never vicious or cruel.

Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a

marriage the principle of equal partnership.”

Ann Landers

Dim sum experienceThis book is written from my own marital and parenting experiences, my mediation encounters with divorcing couples, interactions with couples, marital partners, parents in countless seminars and workshops as well as personal study and research based on the expert work of John Gottman, and Cliff and Joyce Penners.

I hope that you can identify with what I have shared in these pages. It is meant to be an easily-digestable food for thought and practice. I believe that the principles and skills I share will work because it has worked in my life and in the lives of people whom I have helped.

Dim sum for lifeI hope that as we peruse these chapters, we will put this into practice. Dim sum is not just to excite our sights. Each dish must be savored and eaten to enjoy its unique taste.

Just like dim sum, we will have to embrace the perspectives expounded in the book and practice the skills that we have discussed. Only then, will it make a difference in our marriage and parenting.

Initially, we might find that the perspectives may seem counter-culture and the skills difficult to implement. But, I encourage us to persevere through and then we will discover the breakthroughs in our marriage and parenting.

Finally, share these lessons with your spouse, relatives and friends. Better still, study them together and discuss these concepts and ideas. You see, we seldom go to a dim sum restaurant alone. We usually go there with family and friends.

Similarly, find a like-minded community and enjoy Dim Sum for the Family together!

Great Marriage:Myth or Reality?

GR

eaT M

aR

Ria

Ge

Great marriage break-up: a runaway train

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many

times, and always with the same person.”

Mignon McLaughlin

Marriages are bound to fail right from the word “go”. It is my view that it is extremely difficult for marriages to

survive today, much less to build great marriages. Thanks to trends like globalization and the rising cost of living, the odds of having a successful marriage are really slim.

Globalization has taken a toll on family life. With the market becoming worldwide, companies in various industries have to rapidly upgrade their products, and increase their productivity to face the increased global competition.

CEOs are driven by quarterly results and staff are expected to achieve double-digit growth each quarter. Staff are pressurized to reach their targets. Double-digit growth becomes a constant challenge and source of stress. Failure to meet the numbers for two consecutive quarters may mean the loss of a job.

“I never knew marriage was going to be this costly.”

4

Great Marriage

5

Great marriage break-up: A runaway train

money and for their children despite cheating spouses, even though one-third remain unhappy and children suffer from depression as a result.2

Many of them keep the veneer of a marriage life for the sake of their children. As soon as their children have grown up and gone into college/work, they will take their spouses to court and divorce them in a hurry, a scenario we have often seen repeated in our work at EMCC (Eagles Mediation and Counselling Centre).

As Time Magazine has reported, it is not the sobbing twenty-somethings that are breaking up, it is the senior couples. In 1975 in Japan, 6,510 couples broke up after 20 years or more of marriage. In 2002, the total was 45,536.3

It appears that marriage break-up is like a runaway train — unstoppable.

In the following chapters, allow me to share some factors that have contributed to this great marriage break-up.

When there is a financial meltdown or severe economic recession, companies will lay off workers. Many working husbands and wives have to work harder and do more for less. It is not uncommon for people to work 12–15 hours a day. The ramification is that marital partners have less and less time for each other. Even when we are back at home, the computer and the all-pervasive smartphones are calling for our attention.

The consequence: husbands hardly have time for their wives and vice versa. We give to our spouses the leftovers. By the time we go home, we are either too exhausted or too preoccupied with our work.

Another factor contributing to this break down in marriage life is the rising cost of living. Unsurprisingly people are taking on two jobs just to maintain a certain lifestyle. Again, marital life suffers.

In other words, it is getting harder and will get even more difficult for marriages to stay together.

It is no wonder that divorces are on the rise. Statistics don’t lie.

In Singapore, divorce rates went from 4,298 in 1995 to 5,160 in 2000, and now 7,220 in 2008.1 Twenty marriages break down every day! Global cities like Shanghai, Bangkok, Seoul, Mumbai, Jakarta, London, New York and Copenhagen are facing similar or even greater challenges.

These numbers just refer to legal divorce. But, in my own mediation experience, I find that in some marriages, couples who have been married for more than 25 years, have already been relationally divorced long before they were legally divorced. In other words, their marriage has long been dead before they even reach the divorce court!

Also, in a survey by the Care Corner, a charity organization in Singapore, two-thirds of married couples stay together for face, for

Great Children:Nightmare or Dream?

GR

eaT C

hiLD

ReN

Bringing up great children

“While we try to teach our children all about life, our

children teach us what life is all about.”

Chinese Proverb

There is no magic formula. It takes hard work and heart work, plus plenty of patience and perseverance.

I know: I have three teenage children. I am certainly in no way a perfect parent, as seen in this parent’s confession that I have written.

help, i am a parent!I don’t give enough time to build the relationship with my 1. children.I am more concerned about my children’s exam grades than 2. their character formation.I often escalate the conflicts by blaming and attacking them.3. I am very frustrated when my children don’t listen to me and 4. I don’t get my way.

“I am glad he attended the fathering workshop! Now he has a taste of my medicine.”

76

Great Children

77

Bringing up great children

It is my belief that we can bring up great children but it takes changing our perspectives about life, evaluating our values and developing our competence.

I find it difficult to appreciate the struggles and pains of my 5. children.I find myself jumping to conclusions without clarifying.6. I find it difficult to control myself and my emotions, and keep 7. having problems dealing with these feelings when things go wrong. I feel like a hypocrite because I tell my children what to do but 8. I don’t do it myself. I get so angry in situations of intense conflict that I have often 9. said things I don’t mean to my children, and as a result hurt their self-esteem badly. I tend to procrastinate my peace-making actions. 10. I need help but am often too proud to ask for help.11. Sometimes, I hate being a parent! 12.

I am sharing from my heart to the hearts of many parents. Over the last 20 over years, I have learnt many lessons, often from failures.

Let’s start with the goal of parenting.I have often pondered about these two questions: “What kind

of children do I really want?” and “What do great children really look like?”

Here are some of the characteristics of beautiful children that I hope to nurture:

Zest for life: Twinkle in their eyes•Healthy values in life: Solid as gold•Grateful to people: Attitude of gratitude•Enjoy friendship: Ties that bind•Rebounding spirit: Recover to discover•Enquiring mind: Absorbing sponge•Compassion for poor: Heart of gold•