Devils Dictionary

The Devil's DictionaryOriginal by Ambrose Bierce. Compiled by V. Subhash

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Table of ContentsAUTHOR'S PREFACE......................................................................................................................................1

A...............................................................................................................................................................2B...............................................................................................................................................................7C.............................................................................................................................................................11D.............................................................................................................................................................17E.............................................................................................................................................................21F.............................................................................................................................................................26G.............................................................................................................................................................32H.............................................................................................................................................................36I..............................................................................................................................................................41J..............................................................................................................................................................50K.............................................................................................................................................................50L.............................................................................................................................................................52M............................................................................................................................................................58N.............................................................................................................................................................65O.............................................................................................................................................................66P.............................................................................................................................................................70Q.............................................................................................................................................................77R.............................................................................................................................................................77S.............................................................................................................................................................86T.............................................................................................................................................................96U...........................................................................................................................................................100V...........................................................................................................................................................101W..........................................................................................................................................................102X...........................................................................................................................................................105Y...........................................................................................................................................................105Z...........................................................................................................................................................106Biography of Ambrose Bierce (1842−1914?).....................................................................................107Other Downloads From Virtual V. Subhash........................................................................................107

The Devil's Dictionary

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AUTHOR'S PREFACEThe Devil's Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was continued in a desultory way at longintervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was published in covers with the title The Cynic's WordBook, a name which the author had not the power to reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishersof the present work:

"This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples ofthe last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural consequencethat when it came out in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with ascore of 'cynic' books − The Cynic's This, The Cynic's That, and The Cynic's t'Other. Most ofthese books were merely stupid, though some of them added the distinction of silliness.Among them, they brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing itwas discredited in advance of publication."

Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themselves to such parts of thework as served their needs, and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more orless current in popular speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simpledenial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to beheld guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed − enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet,sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.

A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative quotations fromeminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose linesbear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatlyindebted.

A.B.

AUTHOR'S PREFACE 1

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ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mentalattitude in the presence of wealth of power. Peculiarlyappropriate in an employee when addressing anemployer.

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent therubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.

ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereignattests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.

Poor Isabella's Dead, whoseabdicationSet all tongues wagging in theSpanish nation. For that performance'twere unfair to scold her: She wiselyleft a throne too hot to hold her. ToHistory she'll be no royal riddle −Merely a plain parched pea thatjumped the griddle.G.J.

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, inwhose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true menengage. From women this ancient faith commandsbut a stammering assent. They sometimes minister atthe altar in a half−hearted and ineffective way, buttrue reverence for the one deity that men really adorethey know not. If woman had a free hand in theworld's marketing the race would becomegraminivorous.

ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplishsome small part of the meaner ambitionsdistinguishing able men from dead ones. In the lastanalysis ability is commonly found to consist mainlyin a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, thisimpressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easytask to be solemn.

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. Inmatters of thought and conduct, to be independent isto be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.

Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a strivingtoward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the AverageMan than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth theretoshall have peace, the prospect of death and the hopeof Hell.

ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth foundcumbering the soil of a newly discovered country.They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

ABRACADABRA.

By Abracadabra we signifyAn infinite number of things.'Tis the answer to What? and How?and Why? And Whence? andWhither? − a word whereby TheTruth (with the comfort it brings) Isopen to all who grope in night,Crying for Wisdom's holy light.Whether the word is a verb or a nounIs knowledge beyond my reach.I only know that 'tis handed down.From sage to sage,From age to age −An immortal part of speech!Of an ancient man the tale is toldThat he lived to be ten centuries old,In a cave on a mountain side.(True, he finally died.)The fame of his wisdom filled theland,For his head was bald, and you'llunderstand His beard was long andwhiteAnd his eyes uncommonly bright.Philosophers gathered from far andnearTo sit at his feat and hear and hear,Though he never was heardTo utter a wordBut "Abracadabra, abracadab,Abracada, abracad,Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"'Twas all he had,'Twas all they wanted to hear, andeach


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Made copious notes of the mysticalspeech, Which they published next −A trickle of textIn the meadow of commentary.Mighty big books were these,In a number, as leaves of trees;In learning, remarkably − very!He's dead,As I said,And the books of the sages haveperished,But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,Like an ancient bell that foreverswings.O, I love to hearThat word make clearHumanity's General Sense of Things.Jamrach Holobom

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

When in the course of human eventsit becomes necessary for people toabridge their king, a decent respectfor the opinions of mankind requiresthat they should declare the causeswhich impel them to the separation.Oliver Cromwell

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like thearrival of a cannon − shot and the departure of thesoldier whose interests are most affected by it. Dr.Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author'sideas that they were "concatenated withoutabruption."

ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way,"commonly with the property of another.

Spring beckons! All things to the callrespond; The trees are leaving andcashiers abscond.Phela Orm

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth ofdetraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong;superseded in the consideration and affection ofanother.

To men a man is but a mind. WhocaresWhat face he carries or what form hewears? But woman's body is thewoman. O,Stay thou, my sweetheart, and donever go, But heed the warningwords the sage hath said: A womanabsent is a woman dead.Jogo Tyree

ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who hashad the forethought to remove himself from thesphere of exaction.

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. Anabsolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign doesas he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Notmany absolute monarchies are left, most of themhaving been replaced by limited monarchies, wherethe sovereign's power for evil (and for good) isgreatly curtailed, and by republics, which aregoverned by chance.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to thetemptation of denying himself a pleasure. A totalabstainer is one who abstains from everything butabstention, and especially from inactivity in theaffairs of others.

Said a man to a crapulent youth: "Ithought You a total abstainer, myson.""So I am, so I am," said thescrapgrace caught − "But not, sir, abigoted one."G.J.

ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestlyinconsistent with one's own opinion.

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where moralityand philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern schoolwhere football is taught.

ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to theaction of immutable natural laws.


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ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in acrime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as anattorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty.This view of the attorney's position in the matter hasnot hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, noone having offered them a fee for assenting.

ACCORD, n. Harmony.

ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony withthe sentiments of an assassin.

ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

"My accountability, bear in mind,"Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes,"Said the Shah: "I do − 'tis the onlykind Of ability you possess." JoramTate

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth;most commonly as a justification of ourselves forhaving wronged him.

ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition ofthe Crusader who absently pulled at his forelocksome hours after a Saracen scimitar had,unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, asrelated by de Joinville.

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and thebirth of disgust.

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess.Acknowledgement of one another's faults is thehighest duty imposed by our love of truth.

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we knowwell enough to borrow from, but not well enough tolend to. A degree of friendship called slight when itsobject is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is richor famous.

ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneatha corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from itshabit of adding funeral outlays to the other expensesof living.

ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yetobtained all that he expects to get.

ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction inpolitics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due tothe premier or president. A man of straw, proofagainst bad−egging and dead−catting.

ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war−ship which doesthe talking while the figure−head does the thinking.

ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition ofanother's resemblance to ourselves.

ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with ameat−axe. Friendly warning.

Consigned by way of admonition,His soul forever to perdition.Judibras

ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly.

ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.

"The man was in such deep distress,"Said Tom, "that I could do no lessThan give him good advice." SaidJim:"If less could have been done for himI know you well enough, my son,To know that's what you would havedone."Jebel Jocordy

AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle−ring for theball−and−chain.

AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing processpreparing the soul for another and bitter world.

AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.

AGE, n. That period of life in which we compoundfor the vices that we still cherish by reviling those


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that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.

AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruittrees of his neighbors − to dislodge the worms.

AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.

"Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?"She tenderly inquired."An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife;The fact is − I have fired."G.J.

AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by abountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covershis secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in hisprobationary state.

ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, asdistinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth.

Allah's good laws I faithfully havekept,And ever for the sins of man havewept;And sometimes kneeling in thetemple I Have reverently crossed myhands and slept.Junker Barlow

ALLEGIANCE, n.

This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,Whereby that organ is kept rightlypointed To smell the sweetness of theLord's anointed.G.J.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union oftwo thieves who have their hands so deeply insertedin each other's pockets that they cannot separatelyplunder a third.

ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superiorin every detail to the crocodile of the effetemonarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says theIndus is, with one exception, the only river thatproduces crocodiles, but they appear to have goneWest and grown up with the other rivers. From thenotches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian.

ALONE, adj. In bad company.

In contact, lo! the flint and steel,By spark and flame, the thoughtrevealThat he the metal, she the stone,Had cherished secretly alone.Booley Fito

ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerlyraveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victimfor purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for thegods. The word is now seldom used, except withreference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace bya male and a female tool.

They stood before the altar andsuppliedThe fire themselves in which their fatwas fried. In vain the sacrifice! − nogod will claim An offering burnt withan unholy flame.M.P. Nopput

AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equalskill a right−hand pocket or a left.

AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to bevilified by enemies while living and made ridiculousby friends when dead.

AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to thoseoffenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other greatfunctionary already sufficiently slippery.

As sovereigns are anointed by thepriesthood, So pigs to lead thepopulace are greased good.Judibras


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ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one'sfriend's friend.

APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.

The flabby wine−skin of his brainYields to some pathologic strain,And voids from its unstored abysmThe driblet of an aphorism."The Mad Philosopher," 1697

APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a futureoffence.

APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated theshell of a turtle only to find that the creature has longbeen dead, deems it expedient to form a newattachment to a fresh turtle.

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice,undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider.

When Jove sent blessings to all menthat are, And Mercury conveyedthem in a jar,That friend of tricksters introducedby stealth Disease for theapothecary's health,Whose gratitude impelled him toproclaim:"My deadliest drug shall bear mypatron's name!"G.J.

APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box foranother throw.

APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted byProvidence as a solution to the labor question.

APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude.

APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with anothermonth added to his folly.

ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary onepoint holier than a bishop.

If I were a jolly archbishop,On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up −Salmon and flounders and smelts;On other days everything else.Jodo Rem

ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of yourhouse, and plans a draft of your money.

ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes lovewithout knowledge.

ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat−pit in whichthe statesman wrestles with his record.

ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men.(In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind ofgovernment.) Fellows that wear downy hats and cleanshirts − guilty of education and suspected of bankaccounts.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a manwhose tailor is a blacksmith.

ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderlydisposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused ofunusualness.

God made the world in six days andwas arrested on the seventh.The Unauthorized Version

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected bythe ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.

"Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,"Consenting, he did speak up;"'Tis better you should eat it, pet,Than put it in my teacup."Joel Huck

ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin isrelated as follows by the ingenious Father GassalascaJape, S.J.


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One day a wag − what would the

wretch be at? − Shifted a letter of thecipher RAT,And said it was a god's name!Straight arose Fantastic priests andpostulants (with shows, Andmysteries, and mummeries, andhymns,And disputations dire that lamed theirlimbs) To serve his temple andmaintain the fires, Expound the law,manipulate the wires.Amazed, the populace that ritesattend,Believe whate'er they cannotcomprehend,And, inly edified to learn that twoHalf−hairs joined so and so (as Artcan do) Have sweeter values and agrace more fitThan Nature's hairs that never havebeen split, Bring cates and wines forsacrificial feasts, And sell theirgarments to support the priests.

ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality towhich women attain by long study and severepractice upon the admiring male, who is pleased tofancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.

ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to anothervicious actions which one has not had the temptationand opportunity to commit.

ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear.In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the WashoeCanary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere theDonkey. The animal is widely and variouslycelebrated in the literature, art and religion of everyage and country; no other so engages and fires thehuman imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, itis doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., De Clem., andC. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a god; andas such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans,and, if we may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasiansalso. Of the only two animals admitted into theMahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, theass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the SevenSleepers the other. This is no small distinction. Fromwhat has been written about this beast might be

compiled a library of great splendor and magnitude,rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and thatwhich clusters about the Bible. It may be said,generally, that all literature is more or less Asinine.

"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angelssing; "Priest of Unreason, and ofDiscords King!" Great co−Creator,let Thy glory shine:God made all else, the Mule, theMule is thine!"G.J.

AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with ahammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea,whose industrial and commercial development hasbeen unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate disputeamong geographers as to whether it is a continent oran island.

AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancientsentered the infernal regions. The fact that access tothe infernal regions was obtained by a lake is believedby the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to havesuggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion.This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be anerror.

Facilis descensus Averni,The poet remarks; and the senseOf it is that when down−hill I turn IWill get more of punches than pence.Jehal Dai Lupe

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BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshipedunder various names. As Baal he was popular withthe Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had the honor tobe served by the priest Berosus, who wrote thefamous account of the Deluge; as Babel he had atower partly erected to his glory on the Plain ofShinar. From Babel comes our English word"babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal isthe Sun−god. As Beelzebub he is the god of flies,which are begotten of the sun's rays on the stagnantwater. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus,and as Belly he is adored and served with abundantsacrifice by the priests of Guttledom.


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BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of noparticular age, sex, or condition, chiefly remarkablefor the violence of the sympathies and antipathies itexcites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion.There have been famous babes; for example, littleMoses, from whose adventure in the bulrushes theEgyptian hierophants of seven centuries beforedoubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osirisbeing preserved on a floating lotus leaf.

Ere babes were inventedThe girls were contended.Now man is tormentedUntil to buy babes he has squanderedHis money. And so I have ponderedThis thing, and thought may be'T were better that BabyThe First had been eagled orcondored.Ro Amil

BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by theancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Is public worship, then, a sin,That for devotions paid to BacchusThe lictors dare to run us in,And resolutely thump and whack us?Jorace

BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is yourprivilege to contemplate in your adversity.

BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find himwhen he can't find you.

BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook morepalatable. The best kind is beauty.

BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that hewho finds himself in heaven without havingundergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performedwith water in two ways − by immersion, or plunging,and by aspersion, or sprinkling.

But whether the plan of immersionIs better than simple aspersionLet those immersedAnd those aspersed

Decide by the Authorized Version,And by matching their agues tertian.G.J.

BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument whichindicates what kind of weather we are having.

BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy aportion of that of which it is their business to depriveothers.

BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpenthatched form the egg of a cock. The basilisk had abad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many infidels denythis creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator sawand handled one that had been blinded by lightning asa punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady ofrank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored thereptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing is so wellattested by the ancients as the existence of thebasilisk, but the cocks have stopped laying.

BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on woodwithout exertion.

BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted forreligious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has notbeen determined.

The man who taketh a steam bathHe loseth all the skin he hath,And, for he's boiled a brilliant red,Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed,Forgetting that his lungs he's soilingWith dirty vapors of the boiling.Richard Gwow

BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of apolitical knot that would not yield to the tongue.

BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off bythose who justly execrate the absurd Chinese customof shaving the head.

BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms alover and terrifies a husband.

BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate.


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BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestnessproportioned to the belief that it will not be given.

Who is that, father?A mendicant, child,Haggard, morose, and unaffable −wild!See how he glares through the bars ofhis cell! With Citizen Mendicant allis not well.Why did they put him there, father?Because Obeying his belly he struckat the laws.His belly?Oh, well, he was starving, my boy −A state in which, doubtless, there'slittle of joy. No bite had he eaten fordays, and his cry Was "Bread!" ever"Bread!"What's the matter with pie?With little to wear, he had nothing tosell; To beg was unlawful − improperas well.Why didn't he work?He would even have done that, Butmen said: "Get out!" and the Stateremarked: "Scat!" I mention theseincidents merely to showThat the vengeance he took wasuncommonly low. Revenge, at thebest, is the act of a Siou, But fortrifles −Pray what did bad Mendicant do?Stole two loaves of bread to replenishhis lack And tuck out the belly thatclung to his back.Is that all father dear?There's little to tell: They sent him tojail, and they'll send him to − well,The company's better than here wecan boast, And there's −Bread for the needy, dear father?Um − toast.Atka Mip

BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance ofhis friends.

BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not byprinciple, but by breeding. The word seems to besomewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach Holobom'stranslation of the following lines from the Dies Irae:

Recordare, Jesu pie,Quod sum causa tuae viae.Ne me perdas illa die.Pray remember, sacred Savior,Whose the thoughtless hand that gaveyourDeath−blow. Pardon such behavior.

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; inEnglish a deadly poison. A striking example of theessential identity of the two tongues.

BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwiseknown as black friars.

She thought it a crow, but it turn outto be A monk of St. Benedictcroaking a text. "Here's one of anorder of cooks," said she − "Blackfriars in this world, fried black in thenext.""The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712)

BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavypurchases of ingratitude, without, however, materiallyaffecting the price, which is still within the means ofall.

BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (ComaBerenices) named in honor of one who sacrificed herhair to save her husband.

Her locks an ancient lady gaveHer loving husband's life to save;And men − they honored so the dame−Upon some stars bestowed her name.But to our modern married fair,Who'd give their lords to save theirhair, No stellar recognition's given.There are not stars enough in heaven.G.J.


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BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which thewisdom of the future will adjudge a punishmentcalled trigamy.

BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealouslyattached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.

BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As tothe nature of it there appears to be no uniformity.Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallascame out of a skull. Galatea was once a block ofstone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, aversthat he grew up out of the ground where a priest hadspilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus wasderived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke oflightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern inMount Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come outof a wine cellar.

BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities,prepared for display like a box of berries in a market− the fine ones on top − have been opened on thewrong side. An inverted gentleman.

BLANK−VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters− the most difficult kind of English verse to writeacceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by thosewho cannot acceptably write any kind.

BODY−SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave−worms.One who supplies the young physicians with that withwhich the old physicians have supplied theundertaker. The hyena.

"One night," a doctor said, "last fall,I and my comrades, four in all,When visiting a graveyard stoodWithin the shadow of a wall."While waiting for the moon to sinkWe saw a wild hyena slinkAbout a new−made grave, and thenBegin to excavate its brink!"Shocked by the horrid act, we madeA sally from our ambuscade,And, falling on the unholy beast,Dispatched him with a pick and

spade."Bettel K. Jhones

BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of hisown, undertakes to become responsible for thatentrusted to another to a third.

Philippe of Orleans wishing toappoint one of his favorites, adissolute nobleman, to a high office,asked him what security he would beable to give. "I need no bondsmen,"he replied, "for I can give you myword of honor." "And pray what maybe the value of that?" inquired theamused Regent. "Monsieur, it isworth its weight in gold."

BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him tolisten.

BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables − those thatare not good to eat, as well as those that are. It dealslargely with their flowers, which are commonly badlydesigned, inartistic in color, and ill− smelling.

BOTTLE−NOSED, adj. Having a nose created inthe image of its maker.

BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, animaginary line between two nations, separating theimaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights ofthe other.

BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, inpermitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.

A single swallow, it is said, devoursten millions of insects every year.The supplying of these insects I taketo be a signal instance of theCreator's bounty in providing for thelives of His creatures.Henry Ward Beecher

BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who arepreserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva − a ratherneater division of labor than is found among thedeities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese,


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for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theftand destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, likethose of Abracadabranese, are holy and learned menwho are never naughty.

O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,You sit there so calm and securely,With feet folded up so demurely −You're the First Person Singular,surely.Polydore Smith

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think whatwe think. That which distinguishes the man who iscontent to be something from the man who wishes todo something. A man of great wealth, or one who hasbeen pitchforked into high station, has commonlysuch a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keeptheir hats on. In our civilization, and under ourrepublican form of government, brain is so highlyhonored that it is rewarded by exemption from thecares of office.

BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one partthunder−and−lightning, one part remorse, two partsbloody murder, one part death−hell−and−the− graveand four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all thetime. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink ofheroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.

BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect ofhappiness behind her.

BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.

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CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangelGabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved atMecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked thearchangel for bread.

CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen−garden vegetableabout as large and wise as a man's head.

The cabbage is so called fromCabagius, a prince who on ascendingthe throne issued a decree appointinga High Council of Empire consistingof the members of his predecessor's

Ministry and the cabbages in theroyal garden. When any of hisMajesty's measures of state policymiscarried conspicuously it wasgravely announced that severalmembers of the High Council hadbeen beheaded, and his murmuringsubjects were appeased.

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain andunmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life arenot of our own ordering. Calamities are of two kinds:misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bearthe evils afflicting another.

When Zeno was told that one of hisenemies was no more he wasobserved to be deeply moved."What!" said one of his disciples,"you weep at the death of anenemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied thegreat Stoic; "but you should see mesmile at the death of a friend."

CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School forScandal.

CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypeshumpidorsus) of great value to the show business.There are two kinds of camels − the camel proper andthe camel improper. It is the latter that is alwaysexhibited.

CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school whopreserves the simple tastes and adheres to the naturaldiet of the pre−pork period.

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in therectification of national boundaries.

CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters ofthe Court of Heaven.

CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. Thatwhich provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the tableand the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of therepast that himself supplies is the disgrace beforemeat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the


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justice and expediency of which many worthypersons − including all the assassins − entertain gravemisgivings.

CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order ofMount Carmel.

As Death was a−rising out one day,Across Mount Camel he took his way,Where he met a mendicant monk,Some three or four quarters drunk,With a holy leer and a pious grin,Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,Who held out his hands and cried:"Give, give in Charity's name, I pray.Give in the name of the Church. Ogive,Give that her holy sons may live!"And Death replied,Smiling long and wide:"I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee −a ride."With a rattle and bangOf his bones, he sprangFrom his famous Pale Horse, with hisspear; By the neck and the footSeized the fellow, and putHim astride with his face to the rear.The Monarch laughed loud with asound that fell Like clods on thecoffin's sounding shell: "Ho, ho! Abeggar on horseback, they say, Willride to the devil!" − and thump Fellthe flat of his dart on the rumpOf the charger, which galloped away.Faster and faster and faster it flew,Till the rocks and the flocks and thetrees that grew By the road were dimand blended and blueTo the wild, wild eyesOf the rider − in sizeResembling a couple of blackberrypies. Death laughed again, as a tombmight laugh At a burial servicespoiled,And the mourners' intentions foiledBy the body erectingIts head and objecting

To further proceedings in its behalf.Many a year and many a dayHave passed since these events away.The monk has long been a dustycorse,And Death has never recovered hishorse.For the friar got hold of its tail,And steered it within the paleOf the monastery gray,Where the beast was stabled and fedWith barley and oil and breadTill fatter it grew than the fattestfriar, And so in due course wasappointed Prior.G.J.

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty ofdevouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs andassigns.

CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famousphilosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, Cogitoergo sum − whereby he was pleased to suppose hedemonstrated the reality of human existence. Thedictum might be improved, however, thus: Cogitocogito ergo cogito sum − "I think that I think,therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach tocertainty as any philosopher has yet made.

CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided bynature to be kicked when things go wrong in thedomestic circle.

This is a dog,This is a cat.This is a frog,This is a rat.Run, dog, mew, cat.Jump, frog, gnaw, rat.Elevenson

CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.

CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot wheremourners match lies, poets write at a target andstone−cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptionsfollowing will serve to illustrate the success attainedin these Olympian games:


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His virtues were so conspicuous thathis enemies, unable to overlookthem, denied them, and his friends, towhose loose lives they were a rebuke,represented them as vices. They arehere commemorated by his family,who shared them. In the earth wehere prepare aPlace to lay our little Clara.Thomas M. and Mary FrazerP.S. − Gabriel will raise her.

CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who livedbefore the division of labor had been carried to such apitch of differentiation, and who followed theprimitive economic maxim, "Every man his ownhorse." The best of the lot was Chiron, who to thewisdom and virtues of the horse added the fleetnessof man. The scripture story of the head of John theBaptist on a charger shows that pagan myths havesomewhat sophisticated sacred history.

CERBERUS, n. The watch−dog of Hades, whoseduty it was to guard the entrance − against whom orwhat does not clearly appear; everybody, sooner orlater, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry offthe entrance. Cerberus is known to have had threeheads, and some of the poets have credited him withas many as a hundred. Professor Graybill, whoseclerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greekgive his opinion great weight, has averaged all theestimates, and makes the number twenty−seven − ajudgment that would be entirely conclusive isProfessor Graybill had known (a) something aboutdogs, and (b) something about arithmetic.

CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human lifeintermediate between the idiocy of infancy and thefolly of youth − two removes from the sin ofmanhood and three from the remorse of age.

CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the NewTestament is a divinely inspired book admirablysuited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One whofollows the teachings of Christ in so far as they arenot inconsistent with a life of sin.

I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!The godly multitudes walked to andfro

Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitlyclad,With pious mien, appropriately sad,While all the church bells made asolemn din − A fire−alarm to thosewho lived in sin.Then saw I gazing thoughtfullybelow,With tranquil face, upon that holyshowA tall, spare figure in a robe of white,Whose eyes diffused a melancholylight."God keep you, strange," Iexclaimed. "You are No doubt (yourhabit shows it) from afar;And yet I entertain the hope that you,Like these good people, are aChristian too."He raised his eyes and with a look sostern It made me with a thousandblushes burnReplied − his manner with disdainwas spiced: "What! I a Christian? No,indeed! I'm Christ."G.J.

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies andelephants are permitted to see men, women andchildren acting the fool.

CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman,who has the power of seeing that which is invisible toher patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operatedby a person with cotton in his ears. There are twoinstruments that are worse than a clarionet − twoclarionets.

CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes themanagement of our spiritual affairs as a method ofbetter his temporal ones.

CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function wasto preside over history − which she did with greatdignity, many of the prominent citizens of Athensoccupying seats on the platform, the meetings beingaddressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and otherpopular speakers.


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CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man,allaying his concern for the future by reminding himwhat a lot of time remains to him.

A busy man complained one day:"I get no time!" "What's that yousay?"Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz;"You have, sir, all the time there is.There's plenty, too, and don't youdoubt it − We're never for an hourwithout it."Purzil Crofe

CLOSE−FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keepingthat which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.

"Close−fisted Scotchman!" JohnsoncriedTo thrifty J. Macpherson;"See me − I'm ready to divideWith any worthy person."Sad Jamie: "That is very true −The boast requires no backing;And all are worthy, sir, to you,Who have what you are lacking."Anita M. Bobe

COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himselfup to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and tokeep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awfulexamples.

O Coenobite, O coenobite,Monastical gregarian,You differ from the anchorite,That solitudinarian:With vollied prayers you wound OldNick;With dropping shots he makes himsick.Quincy Giles

COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced bycontemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay toachievements that resembles, but do not equal, ourown.

COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which Aplunders from B the goods of C, and forcompensation B picks the pocket of D of moneybelonging to E.

COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entityoperated by an incalculable multitude of politicalparasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient.

This commonwealth's capitol'scorridors view, So thronged with ahungry and indolent crew Of clerks,pages, porters and all attaches Whomrascals appoint and the populace paysThat a cat cannot slip through thethicket of shins Nor hear its ownshriek for the noise of their chins. Onclerks and on pages, and porters, andall, Misfortune attend and disasterbefall!May life be to them a succession ofhurts; May fleas by the bushel inhabittheir shirts; May aches and diseasesencamp in their bones, Their lungsfull of tubercles, bladders of stones;May microbes, bacilli, their tissuesinfest, And tapeworms securely theirbowels digest; May corn−cobs besnared without hope in their hair,And frequent impalement theirpleasure impair. Disturbed be theirdreams by the awful discourse Ofaudible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,By chairs acrobatic and waveringfloors − The mattress that kicks andthe pillow that snores! Sons ofcupidity, cradled in sin!Your criminal ranks may the deathangel thin, Avenging the friendwhom I couldn't work in.K.Q.

COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment ofconflicting interests as gives each adversary thesatisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought notto have, and is deprived of nothing except what wasjustly his due.


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COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.

CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is asmaller evil than sympathy.

CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted byA with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.

CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeallaws.

CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knowseverything about something and nothing aboutanything else.

An old wine−bibber having beensmashed in a railway collision, somewine was pouted on his lips to revivehim. "Pauillac, 1873," he murmuredand died.

CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamoredof existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal,who wishes to replace them with others.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a betterman is more unfortunate than yourself.

CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person whohaving failed to secure and office from the people isgiven one by the Administration on condition that heleave the country.

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of acourse already decided on.

CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for anenemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or inkreplaces the injurious cannon−ball and theinconsiderate bayonet.

In controversy with the facile tongue−That bloodless warfare of the old andyoung − So seek your adversary

to engageThat on himself he shall exhaust hisrage, And, like a snake that's fastenedto the ground, With his own fangsinflict the fatal wound. You ask mehow this miracle is done?Adopt his own opinions, one by one,And taunt him to refute them; in hiswrath He'll sweep them pitilesslyfrom his path. Advance then gentlyall you wish to prove, Eachproposition prefaced with, "Asyou've So well remarked," or, "Asyou wisely say, And I cannotdispute," or, "By the way,This view of it which, better farexpressed, Runs through yourargument." Then leave the rest Tohim, secure that he'll perform histrust And prove your viewsintelligent and just.Conmore Apel Brune

CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman whowish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness.

CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of theminor mental commodities, each exhibitor being toointent upon the arrangement of his own wares toobserve those of his neighbor.

CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing asovereign with the outward and visible signs of hisdivine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamitebomb.

CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowestrung of the military ladder.

Fiercely the battle raged and, sad totell, Our corporal heroically fell!Fame from her height looked downupon the brawl And said: "He hadn'tvery far to fall."Giacomo Smith

CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device forobtaining individual profit without individualresponsibility.


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CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas.

COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff.

COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergencythinks with his legs.

CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very muchresembling the lobster, but less indigestible.

In this small fish I take it that humanwisdom is admirably figured andsymbolized; for whereas the crayfishdoth move only backward, and canhave only retrospection, seeingnaught but the perils already passed,so the wisdom of man doth notenable him to avoid the follies thatbeset his course, but only toapprehend their nature afterward.Sir James Merivale

CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwellingbeyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for theirdesolating incursions.

CREMONA, n. A high−priced violin made inConnecticut.

CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard toplease because nobody tries to please him.

There is a land of pure delight,Beyond the Jordan's flood,Where saints, apparelled all in white,Fling back the critic's mud.And as he legs it through the skies,His pelt a sable hue,He sorrows sore to recognizeThe missiles that he threw.Orrin Goof

CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneouslysupposed to owe its significance to the most solemnevent in the history of Christianity, but reallyantedating it by thousands of years. By many it hasbeen believed to be identical with the crux ansata ofthe ancient phallic worship, but it has been tracedeven beyond all that we know of that, to the rites of

primitive peoples. We have to−day the White Crossas a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badgeof benevolent neutrality in war. Having in mind theformer, the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smitesthe lyre to the effect following:

"Be good, be good!" the sisterhoodCry out in holy chorus,And, to dissuade from sin, paradeTheir various charms before us.But why, O why, has ne'er an eyeSeen her of winsome mannerAnd youthful grace and pretty faceFlaunting the White Cross banner?Now where's the need of speech andscreedTo better our behaving?A simpler plan for saving man(But, first, is he worth saving?)Is, dears, when he declines to fleeFrom bad thoughts that beset him,Ignores the Law as 't were a straw,And wants to sin − don't let him.

CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do me?

CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weakanimal or person from a strong one. It brings itspossessor much mental satisfaction and great materialadversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier getsthe skins of more foxes than asses."

CUPID, n. The so−called god of love. This bastardcreation of a barbarous fancy was no doubt inflictedupon mythology for the sins of its deities. Of allunbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is themost reasonless and offensive. The notion ofsymbolizing sexual love by a semisexless babe, andcomparing the pains of passion to the wounds of anarrow − of introducing this pudgy homunculus intoart grossly to materialize the subtle spirit andsuggestion of the work − this is eminently worthy ofthe age that, giving it birth, laid it on the doorstep ofprosperity.

CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of thefemale mind. The desire to know whether or not awoman is cursed with curiosity is one of the mostactive and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.


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CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbalslap−stick. This is an operation which in literature,particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to thevictim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a riskthat cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of lifeinsurance.

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision seesthings as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence thecustom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic'seyes to improve his vision.

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DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by thePaphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By thelearned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have beena term of satisfaction, implying the highest possibledegree of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on thecontrary, thinks it expressed an emotion oftumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs incombination with the word jod or god, meaning "joy."It would be with great diffidence that I shouldadvance an opinion conflicting with that of either ofthese formidable authorities.

DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of titteringmusic, preferably with arms about your neighbor'swife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, butall those requiring the participation of the two sexeshave two characteristics in common: they areconspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by thevicious.

DANGER, n.

A savage beast which, when it sleeps,Man girds at and despises,But takes himself away by leapsAnd bounds when it arises.Ambat Delaso

DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualitiesof a man in security.

DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of theRoman Catholic Church, whose important function isto brand the Pope's bulls with the words DatumRomae. He enjoys a princely revenue and the

friendship of God.

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed.Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time,taking a cold bath and a long walk with an emptystomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. Theythen point with pride to these practices as the cause oftheir sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being thatthey are hearty and old, not because of their habits,but in spite of them. The reason we find only robustpersons doing this thing is that it has killed all theothers who have tried it.

DAY, n. A period of twenty−four hours, mostlymisspent. This period is divided into two parts, theday proper and the night, or day improper − theformer devoted to sins of business, the latterconsecrated to the other sort. These two kinds ofsocial activity overlap.

DEAD, adj.

Done with the work of breathing;doneWith all the world; the mad race runThough to the end; the golden goalAttained and found to be a hole!Squatol Johnes

DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursuedpleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain andwhip of the slave− driver.

As, pent in an aquarium, the troutletSwims round and round his tank tofind an outlet, Pressing his noseagainst the glass that holds him, Norever sees the prison that enfolds him;So the poor debtor, seeing naughtaround him, Yet feels the narrowlimits that impound him, Grieves athis debt and studies to evade it, Andfinds at last he might as well havepaid it.Barlow S. Vode


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DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten innumber − just enough to permit an intelligentselection for observance, but not enough to embarrassthe choice. Following is the revised edition of theDecalogue, calculated for this meridian.

Thou shalt no God but me adore:'Twere too expensive to have more.No images nor idols makeFor Robert Ingersoll to break.Take not God's name in vain; selectA time when it will have effect.Work not on Sabbath days at all,But go to see the teams play ball.Honor thy parents. That createsFor life insurance lower rates.Kill not, abet not those who kill;Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unlessThine own thy neighbor doth caressDon't steal; thou'lt never thus competeSuccessfully in business. Cheat.Bear not false witness − that is low −But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."Cover thou naught that thou hast notBy hook or crook, or somehow, got.G.J.

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance ofone set of influences over another set.

A leaf was riven from a tree,"I mean to fall to earth," said he.The west wind, rising, made him veer."Eastward," said he, "I now shallsteer."The east wind rose with greater force.Said he: "'Twere wise to change mycourse." With equal power theycontend.He said: "My judgment I suspend."Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,Cried: "I've decided to fall straight.""First thoughts are best?" That's notthe moral; Just choose your own andwe'll not quarrel.Howe'er your choice may chance tofall,

You'll have no hand in it at all.G.J.

DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truthabout another.

DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.

DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirablethan one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homerwere striking examples of degeneracy; it required tenof them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroesof the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homernever tires of sneering at "men who live in thesedegenerate days," which is perhaps why they sufferedhim to beg his bread − a marked instance of returninggood for evil, by the way, for if they had forbiddenhim he would certainly have starved.

DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral andsocial progress from private station to politicalpreferment.

DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm thatflourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. Thelatter was a native of Ireland, its name beingpronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as theman pronouncing it may chance to have heard itspoken or seen it printed.

DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American whohas been in Paris. Variously pronounced.

DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an articleof merchandise that comes in sets.

DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one'sbread to determine which side it is buttered on.

DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptismwhich washed away the sins (and sinners) of theworld.

DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectablefamily, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection,Self−denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many othergoodly sons and daughters.


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All hail, Delusion! Were it not fortheeThe world turned topsy−turvy weshould see; For Vice, respectablewith cleanly fancies, Would flyabandoned Virtue's gross advances.Mumfrey Mappel

DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metalinto your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another'sgenerosity for the support which you are not in aposition to exact from his fears.

DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office−holder, orof his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautifulyoung man, with a red necktie and an intricate systemof cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk.When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, hegives off a cloud of dust.

"Chief Deputy," the Master cried,"To−day the books are to be triedBy experts and accountants whoHave been commissioned to gothroughOur office here, to see if weHave stolen injudiciously.Please have the proper entries made,The proper balances displayed,Conforming to the whole amountOf cash on hand − which they willcount.I've long admired your punctual way−Here at the break and close of day,Confronting in your chair the crowdOf business men, whose voices loudAnd gestures violent you quellBy some mysterious, calm spell −Some magic lurking in your lookThat brings the noisiest to bookAnd spreads a holy and profoundTranquillity o'er all around.So orderly all's done that theyWho came to draw remain to pay.But now the time demands, at last,That you employ your genius vast

In energies more active. RiseAnd shake the lightnings from youreyes;Inspire your underlings, and flingYour spirit into everything!"The Master's hand here dealt a whackUpon the Deputy's bent back,When straightway to the floor therefellA shrunken globe, a rattling shellA blackened, withered, eyeless head!The man had been a twelvemonthdead.Jamrach Holobom

DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime andfool's excuse for failure.

DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the diseaseby the patient's pulse and purse.

DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separatingdisorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life,which he can relate to himself without blushing.

Hearst kept a diary wherein were writAll that he had of wisdom and of wit.So the Recording Angel, whenHearst died,Erased all entries of his own andcried:"I'll judge you by your diary." SaidHearst: "Thank you; 'twill show you Iam Saint the First" − Straightwayproducing, jubilant and proud, Thatrecord from a pocket in his shroud.The Angel slowly turned the pageso'er,Each stupid line of which he knewbefore,Glooming and gleaming as by turnshe hitOn Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;Then gravely closed the book andgave it back. "My friend, you'vewandered from your proper track:You'd never be content this side the


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tomb − For big ideas Heaven haslittle room,And Hell's no latitude for makingmirth,"He said, and kicked the fellow backto earth."The Mad Philosopher"

DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers thepestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy.

DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device forcramping the growth of a language and making ithard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a mostuseful work.

DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear theword, because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Neversay die." At long intervals, however, some one says:"The die is cast," which is not true, for it is cut. Theword is found in an immortal couplet by that eminentpoet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:

A cube of cheese no larger than a dieMay bait the trap to catch a nibblingmie.

DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals intovirtues. When the process is imperfect, vices areevolved instead − a circumstance from which thatwicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that theladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one'scountry.

DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor withanother and better error than the one which he hasdeemed it advantageous to embrace.

DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars inwhich one person or thing is, if possible, moreobjectionable than another.

DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others intheir errors.

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloudof servitude.

DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriateceremony the maturity of a command.

His right to govern me is clear as day,My duty manifest to disobey;And if that fit observance e'er I shutMay I and duty be alike undone.Israfel Brown

DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon thecharacter.

Let us dissemble.Adam

DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich arewilling for the poor to call theirs, and keep.

DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to theprosperity of a friend.

DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult.Divination is of as many kinds as there arefruit−bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and theearly fool.

DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deitydesigned to catch the overflow and surplus of theworld's worship. This Divine Being in some of hissmaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affectionof Woman, the place to which there is no human maleaspirant. The Dog is a survival − an anachronism. Hetoils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all hisglory never lay upon a door−mat all day long,sun−soaked and fly−fed and fat, while his masterworked for the means wherewith to purchase the idlewag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look oftolerant recognition.

DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash andsteadiness in so equal measure that he makes hisadvances on foot and his retreats on horseback.

DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from theFrench.

DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celticreligion which did not disdain to employ the humbleallurement of human sacrifice. Very little is nowknown about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says


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their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastwardas far as Persia. Caesar says those who desired tostudy its mysteries went to Britain. Caesar himselfwent to Britain, but does not appear to have obtainedany high preferment in the Druidical Church,although his talent for human sacrifice wasconsiderable. Druids performed their religious rites ingroves, and knew nothing of church mortgages andthe season−ticket system of pew rents. They were, inshort, heathens and − as they were once complacentlycatalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church ofEngland − Dissenters.

DUCK−BILL, n. Your account at your restaurantduring the canvas−back season.

DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to thereconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessaryto its satisfactory observance; if awkwardlyperformed the most unexpected and deplorableconsequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago aman lost his life in a duel.

That dueling's a gentlemanly viceI hold; and wish that it had been mylot To live my life out in somefavored spot − Some country where itis considered niceTo split a rival like a fish, or sliceA husband like a spud, or with a shotBring down a debtor doubled in aknotAnd ready to be put upon the ice.Some miscreants there are, whom Ido longTo shoot, to stab, or some such wayreclaim The scurvy rogues to betterlives and manners, I seem to seethem now − a mighty throng. It looksas if to challenge me they came,Jauntily marching with brass bandsand banners!Xamba Q. Dar

DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty inletters and life. The Dullards came in with Adam, andbeing both numerous and sturdy have overrun thehabitable world. The secret of their power is theirinsensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeonand they laugh with a platitude. The Dullards came

originally from Boeotia, whence they were driven bystress of starvation, their dullness having blighted thecrops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, andmany of them are called Philistines to this day. In theturbulent times of the Crusades they withdrew thenceand gradually overspread all Europe, occupying mostof the high places in politics, art, literature, scienceand theology. Since a detachment of Dullards cameover with the Pilgrims in the Mayflower and made afavorable report of the country, their increase bybirth, immigration, and conversion has been rapid andsteady. According to the most trustworthy statisticsthe number of adult Dullards in the United States isbut little short of thirty millions, including thestatisticians. The intellectual centre of the race issomewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the NewEngland Dullard is the most shockingly moral.

DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in thedirection of profit, along the line of desire.

Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor atcourt,Was wroth at his master, who'dkissed Lady Port. His anger provokedhim to take the king's head, But dutyprevailed, and he took the king'sbread, Instead.G.J.

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EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully)the functions of mastication, humectation, anddeglutition.

"I was in the drawing−room,enjoying my dinner," said Brillat−Savarin, beginning an anecdote."What!" interrupted Rochebriant;"eating dinner in a drawing−room?""I must beg you to observe,monsieur," explained the greatgastronome, "that I did not say I waseating my dinner, but enjoying it. Ihad dined an hour before."

EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogueof the crimes and vices of another or yourself.


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A lady with one of her ears appliedTo an open keyhole heard, inside,Two female gossips in converse free−The subject engaging them was she."I think," said one, "and my husbandthinks That she's a prying, inquisitiveminx!"As soon as no more of it she couldhearThe lady, indignant, removed her ear."I will not stay," she said, with a pout,"To hear my character lied about!"Gopete Sherany

ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction socheap that fools employ it to accentuate theirincapacity.

ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskeythat you do not need for the price of the cow that youcannot afford.

EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest,as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to apig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicialfunctions of Minos, Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but isplacable with an obolus; a severely virtuous censor,but so charitable withal that he tolerates the virtues ofothers and the vices of himself; who flings about himthe splintering lightning and sturdy thunders ofadmonition till he resembles a bunch of firecrackerspetulantly uttering his mind at the tail of a dog; thenstraightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft asthe cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to theevening star. Master of mysteries and lord of law,high−pinnacled upon the throne of thought, his facesuffused with the dim splendors of theTransfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tonguea−cheek, the editor spills his will along the paper andcuts it off in lengths to suit. And at intervals frombehind the veil of the temple is heard the voice of theforeman demanding three inches of wit and six linesof religious meditation, or bidding him turn off thewisdom and whack up some pathos.

O, the Lord of Law on the Throne ofThought, A gilded impostor is he.

Of shreds and patches his robes arewrought, His crown is brass,Himself an ass,And his power is fiddle−dee−dee.Prankily, crankily prating of naught,Silly old quilly old Monarch ofThought.Public opinion's camp−follower he,Thundering, blundering, plunderingfree. Affected,Ungracious,Suspected,Mendacious,Respected contemporaree!J.H. Bumbleshook

EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wiseand disguises from the foolish their lack ofunderstanding.

EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena whichalways occur together in the same order. The first,called a Cause, is said to generate the other − which isno more sensible than it would be for one who hasnever seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit todeclare the rabbit the cause of a dog.

EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interestedin himself than in me.

Megaceph, chosen to serve the StateIn the halls of legislative debate,One day with all his credentials cameTo the capitol's door and announcedhis name. The doorkeeper looked,with a comical twist Of the face, atthe eminent egotist,And said: "Go away, for we settlehereAll manner of questions, knotty andqueer, And we cannot have, when thespeaker demands To be told howevery member stands,A man who to all things under the skyAssents by eternally voting 'I'."

EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the diseaseof garrulity. It is also much used in cases of extremepoverty.


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ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilegeof voting for the man of another man's choice.

ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all naturalphenomena not known to be caused by somethingelse. It is the same thing as lightning, and its famousattempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the mostpicturesque incidents in that great and good man'scareer. The memory of Dr. Franklin is justly held ingreat reverence, particularly in France, where awaxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition,bearing the following touching account of his life andservices to science:

"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor ofelectricity. This illustrious savant,after having made several voyagesaround the world, died on theSandwich Islands and was devouredby savages, of whom not a singlefragment was ever recovered."Electricity seems destined to play amost important part in the arts andindustries. The question of itseconomical application to somepurposes is still unsettled, butexperiment has already proved that itwill propel a street car better than agas jet and give more light than ahorse.

ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which,without employing any of the methods of humor, thewriter aims to produce in the reader's mind thedampest kind of dejection. The most famous Englishexample begins somewhat like this:

The cur foretells the knell of partingday; The loafing herd winds slowlyo'er the lea; The wise man homewardplods; I only stayTo fiddle−faddle in a minor key.

ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading foolsthat white is the color that it appears to be. It includesthe gift of making any color appear white.

ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful countrywhich the ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited

by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous andmischievous fable was swept off the face of the earthby the early Christians − may their souls be happy inHeaven!

EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from thetyranny of another to the despotism of himself.

He was a slave: at word he went andcame; His iron collar cut him to thebone.Then Liberty erased his owner'sname,Tightened the rivets and inscribed hisown.G.J.

EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking upthe gases upon which it feeds. By embalming theirdead and thereby deranging the natural balancebetween animal and vegetable life, the Egyptiansmade their once fertile and populous country barrenand incapable of supporting more than a meagrecrew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step inthe same direction, and many a dead man who oughtnow to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree,or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, isdoomed to a long inutility. We shall get him afterawhile if we are spared, but in the meantime theviolet and rose are languishing for a nibble at hisglutoeus maximus.

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by adetermination of the heart to the head. It is sometimesaccompanied by a copious discharge of hydratedchloride of sodium from the eyes.

ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kindof liar.

END, n. The position farthest removed on either handfrom the Interlocutor.

The man was perishing apaceWho played the tambourine;The seal of death was on his face −'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean."This is the end," the sick man saidIn faint and failing tones.


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A moment later he was dead,And Tambourine was Bones.Tinley Roquot

ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you likeit.

Enough is as good as a feast − forthat matter Enougher's as good as afeast for the platter. Arbely C. Strunk

ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusementwhose inroads stop short of death by injection.

ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable bysmall doses of repentance in connection with outwardapplications of experience. Byron, who recoveredlong enough to call it "entuzy−muzy," had a relapse,which carried him off − to Missolonghi.

ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; thescabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; thebed−gown of a love−letter.

ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanestcapacity.

EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving todistinguish a military officer from the enemy − that isto say, from the officer of lower rank to whom hisdeath would give promotion.

EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, anabstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasureshould be the chief aim of man, wasted no time ingratification from the senses.

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose orverse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbityand sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of themore notable epigrams of the learned and ingeniousDr. Jamrach Holobom:

We know better the needs ofourselves than of others. To serveoneself is economy of administration.In each human heart are a tiger, a pig,an ass and a nightingale. Diversity ofcharacter is due to their unequalactivity.

There are three sexes; males, femalesand girls.Beauty in women and distinction inmen are alike in this: they seem to bethe unthinking a kind of credibility.Women in love are less ashamed thanmen. They have less to be ashamedof.While your friend holds youaffectionately by both your handsyou are safe, for you can watch bothhis.

EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing thatvirtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.Following is a touching example:

Here lie the bones of Parson Platt,Wise, pious, humble and all that,Who showed us life as all should liveit;Let that be said − and God forgive it!

ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into anempty skull.

So wide his erudition's mighty span,He knew Creation's origin and planAnd only came by accident to grief −He thought, poor man, 'twas right tobe a thief.Romach Pute

ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse andconsummately occult. The ancient philosophies wereof two kinds, − exoteric, those that the philosophersthemselves could partly understand, and esoteric,those that nobody could understand. It is the latterthat have most profoundly affected modern thoughtand found greatest acceptance in our time.

ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of thevarious tribes of Man, as robbers, thieves, swindlers,dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.

EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sectof Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose amongthe members of this sect as to what it was that theyate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand


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have already been slain, and the question is stillunsettled.

EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either theadvantages of wealth and power, or the considerationto be dead.

EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings,particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us ofour own salvation and the damnation of ourneighbors.

EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with nosmall diffidence that I venture to offer this brief andelementary definition, for I am not unaware of theexistence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop ofWorcester, entitled, A Partial Definition of the Word"Everlasting," as Used in the Authorized Version ofthe Holy Scriptures. His book was once esteemed ofgreat authority in the Anglican Church, and is still, Iunderstand, studied with pleasure to the mind andprofit of the soul.

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty todiffer from other things of its class, as an honest man,a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves therule" is an expression constantly upon the lips of theignorant, who parrot it from one another with never athought of its absurdity. In the Latin, "Exceptioprobat regulam" means that the exception tests therule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. Themalefactor who drew the meaning from this excellentdictum and substituted a contrary one of his ownexerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.

EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforcesby appropriate penalties the law of moderation.

Hail, high Excess − especially inwine,To thee in worship do I bend the kneeWho preach abstemiousness unto me−My skull thy pulpit, as my paunchthy shrine. Precept on precept, aye,and line on line, Could ne'er persuadeso sweetly to agree With reason asthy touch, exact and free, Upon myforehead and along my spine.

At thy command eschewingpleasure's cup,With the hot grape I warm no moremy wit; When on thy stool ofpenitence I sitI'm quite converted, for I can't get up.Ungrateful he who afterward wouldfalterTo make new sacrifices at thine altar!

EXCOMMUNICATION, n.

This "excommunication" is a wordIn speech ecclesiastical oft heard,And means the damning, with bell,book and candle, Some sinner whoseopinions are a scandal − A ritepermitting Satan to enslave himForever, and forbidding Christ tosave him.Gat Huckle

EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government,whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of thelegislative power until such time as the judicialdepartment shall be pleased to pronounce theminvalid and of no effect. Following is an extract froman old book entitled, The Lunarian Astonished −Pfeiffer Co., Boston, 1803:

LUNARIAN: Then when yourCongress has passed a law it goesdirectly to the Supreme Court inorder that it may at once be knownwhether it is constitutional?TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does notrequire the approval of the SupremeCourt until having perhaps beenenforced for many years somebodyobjects to its operation againsthimself − I mean his client. ThePresident, if he approves it, begins toexecute it at once.LUNARIAN: Ah, the executivepower is a part of the legislative. Doyour policemen also have to approvethe local ordinances that theyenforce?


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TERRESTRIAN: Not yet − at leastnot in their character of constables.Generally speaking, though, all lawsrequire the approval of those whomthey are intended to restrain.LUNARIAN: I see. The deathwarrant is not valid until signed bythe murderer.TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you putit too strongly; we are not soconsistent.LUNARIAN: But this system ofmaintaining an expensive judicialmachinery to pass upon the validityof laws only after they have longbeen executed, and then only whenbrought before the court by someprivate person − does it not causegreat confusion?TERRESTRIAN: It does.LUNARIAN: Why then should notyour laws, previously to beingexecuted, be validated, not by thesignature of your President, but bythat of the Chief Justice of theSupreme Court?TERRESTRIAN: There is noprecedent for any such course.LUNARIAN: Precedent. What isthat?TERRESTRIAN: It has been definedby five hundred lawyers in threevolumes each. So how can any oneknow?

EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put theconscience of another upon the spit and roast it to anut−brown discomfort.

EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residingabroad, yet is not an ambassador.

An English sea−captain being askedif he had read "The Exile of Erin,"replied: "No, sir, but I should like toanchor on it." Years afterwards, whenhe had been hanged as a pirate after acareer of unparalleled atrocities,

the following memorandum wasfound in the ship's log that he hadkept at the time of his reply: Aug. 3d,1842. Made a joke on the ex−Isle ofErin. Coldly received. War with thewhole world!

EXISTENCE, n.

A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,Wherein is nothing yet all things doseem: From which we're wakened bya friendly nudge Of our bedfellowDeath, and cry: "O fudge!"

EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us torecognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the follythat we have already embraced.

To one who, journeying throughnight and fog, Is mired neck−deep inan unwholesome bog,Experience, like the rising of thedawn,Reveals the path that he should nothave gone.Joel Frad Bink

EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methodsby which fools prefer to lose their friends.

EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of whichtheology created the future state.

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FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned andendowed, that formerly inhabited the meadows andforests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and somewhataddicted to dancing and the theft of children. Thefairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct,though a clergyman of the Church of England sawthree near Colchester as lately as 1855, while passingthrough a park after dining with the lord of the manor.The sight greatly staggered him, and he was soaffected that his account of it was incoherent. In theyear 1807 a troop of fairies visited a wood near Aix


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and carried off the daughter of a peasant, who hadbeen seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. Theson of a wealthy bourgeois disappeared about thesame time, but afterward returned. He had seen theabduction been in pursuit of the fairies. JustinianGaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers that sogreat is the fairies' power of transformation that hesaw one change itself into two opposing armies andfight a battle with great slaughter, and that the nextday, after it had resumed its original shape and goneaway, there were seven hundred bodies of the slainwhich the villagers had to bury. He does not say ifany of the wounded recovered. In the time of HenryIII, of England, a law was made which prescribed thedeath penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, ormamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected.

FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told byone who speaks without knowledge, of things withoutparallel.

FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable.

Done to a turn on the iron, beholdHim who to be famous aspired.Content? Well, his grill has a platingof gold, And his twistings are greatlyadmired.Hassan Brubuddy

FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule andobey.

A king there was who lost an eyeIn some excess of passion;And straight his courtiers all did tryTo follow the new fashion.Each dropped one eyelid when beforeThe throne he ventured, thinking'Twould please the king. Thatmonarch swore He'd slay them all forwinking.What should they do? They were nothotTo hazard such disaster;They dared not close an eye − darednotSee better than their master.Seeing them lacrymose and glum,A leech consoled the weepers:

He spread small rags with liquid gumAnd covered half their peepers.The court all wore the stuff, the flameOf royal anger dying.That's how court−plaster got its nameUnless I'm greatly lying.Naramy Oof

FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usuallysignalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently inhonor of some holy person distinguished forabstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church feastsare "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrantsare uniformly immovable until they are full. In theirearliest development these entertainments took theform of feasts for the dead; such were held by theGreeks, under the name Nemeseia, by the Aztecs andPeruvians, as in modern times they are popular withthe Chinese; though it is believed that the ancientdead, like the modern, were light eaters. Among themany feasts of the Romans was the Novemdiale,which was held, according to Livy, whenever stonesfell from heaven.

FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise thandiscretion, who in embracing an opportunity hasformed an unfortunate attachment.

FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

The Maker, at Creation's birth,With living things had stocked theearth.From elephants to bats and snails,They all were good, for all weremales.But when the Devil came and sawHe said: "By Thine eternal lawOf growth, maturity, decay,These all must quickly pass awayAnd leave untenanted the earthUnless Thou dost establish birth" −Then tucked his head beneath hiswingTo laugh − he had no sleeve − thethingWith deviltry did so accord,That he'd suggested to the Lord.The Master pondered this advice,Then shook and threw the fateful


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diceWherewith all matters here belowAre ordered, and observed the throw;Then bent His head in awful state,Confirming the decree of Fate.From every part of earth anewThe conscious dust consenting flew,While rivers from their courses rolledTo make it plastic for the mould.Enough collected (but no more,For niggard Nature hoards her store)He kneaded it to flexible clay,While Nick unseen threw some away.And then the various forms He cast,Gross organs first and finer last;No one at once evolved, but allBy even touches grew and smallDegrees advanced, till, shade byshade,To match all living things He'd madeFemales, complete in all their partsExcept (His clay gave out) the hearts."No matter," Satan cried; "with speedI'll fetch the very hearts they need" −So flew away and soon brought backThe number needed, in a sack.That night earth range with sounds ofstrife − Ten million males each had awife;That night sweet Peace her pinionsspreadO'er Hell − ten million devils dead!G.J.

FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitualliar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of hiseccentric orbit.

When David said: "All men areliars," Dave, Himself a liar, fibbedlike any thief. Perhaps he thought toweaken disbelief By proof that evenhimself was not a slave To Truth;though I suspect the aged knaveHad been of all her servitors the chiefHad he but known a fig's reluctantleaf Is more than e'er she wore onland or wave. No, David served notNaked Truth when heStruck that sledge−hammer blow

at all his race; Nor did he hit the nailupon the head: For reason shows thatit could never be,And the facts contradict him to hisface. Men are not liars all, for someare dead.Bartle Quinker

FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of anenterprising affection.

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears byfriction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke youturnI shall not cease to fiddle while youburn."To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do yourworst, 'Tis my excuse that you werefiddling first." Orm Pludge

FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who areabout to be betrayed.

FINANCE, n. The art or science of managingrevenues and resources for the best advantage of themanager. The pronunciation of this word with the ilong and the accent on the first syllable is one ofAmerica's most precious discoveries and possessions.

FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops andhoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve thesame purpose as certain signs that one sees andvacant lots in London − "Rubbish may be shot here."

FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.

FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and goover to another party. The most notable flop onrecord was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has beenseverely criticised as a turn−coat by some of ourpartisan journals.

FLY−SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It isobserved by Garvinus that the systems of punctuationin use by the various literary nations dependedoriginally upon the social habits and general diet ofthe flies infesting the several countries. These


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creatures, which have always been distinguished for aneighborly and companionable familiarity withauthors, liberally or niggardly embellish themanuscripts in process of growth under the pen,according to their bodily habit, bringing out the senseof the work by a species of interpretation superior to,and independent of, the writer's powers. The "oldmasters" of literature − that is to say, the early writerswhose work is so esteemed by later scribes and criticsin the same language − never punctuated at all, butworked right along free−handed, without thatabruption of the thought which comes from the use ofpoints. (We observe the same thing in childrento−day, whose usage in this particular is a strikingand beautiful instance of the law that the infancy ofindividuals reproduces the methods and stages ofdevelopment characterizing the infancy of races.) Inthe work of these primitive scribes all the punctuationis found, by the modern investigator with his opticalinstruments and chemical tests, to have been insertedby the writers' ingenious and serviceable collaborator,the common house−fly − Musca maledicta. Intranscribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose ofeither making the work their own or preserving whatthey naturally regard as divine revelations, laterwriters reverently and accurately copy whatevermarks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, tothe unspeakable enhancement of the lucidity of thethought and value of the work. Writers contemporarywith the copyists naturally avail themselves of theobvious advantages of these marks in their own work,and with such assistance as the flies of their ownhousehold may be willing to grant, frequently rivaland sometimes surpass the older compositions, inrespect at least of punctuation, which is no smallglory. Fully to understand the important services thatflies perform to literature it is only necessary to lay apage of some popular novelist alongside a saucer ofcream−and−molasses in a sunny room and observe"how the wit brightens and the style refines" inaccurate proportion to the duration of exposure

FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whosecreative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind,guides his actions and adorns his life.

Folly! although Erasmus praised theeonceIn a thick volume, and all authorsknown, If not thy glory yet thy power

have shown, Deign to take homagefrom thy son who hunts Through allthy maze his brothers, fool anddunce, To mend their lives and tosustain his own, However feebly behis arrows thrown,Howe'er each hide the flyingweapons blunts. All−Father Folly! beit mine to raise,With lusty lung, here on his westernstrand With all thine offspringthronged from every land, Thyselfinspiring me, the song of praise.And if too weak, I'll hire, to help mebawl, Dick Watson Gilder, gravest ofus all.Aramis Loto Frope

FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain ofintellectual speculation and diffuses himself throughthe channels of moral activity. He is omnific,omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent.He it was who invented letters, printing, the railroad,the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and thecircle of the sciences. He created patriotism andtaught the nations war − founded theology,philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. Heestablished monarchical and republican government.He is from everlasting to everlasting − such ascreation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In themorning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and inthe noonday of existence headed the procession ofbeing. His grandmotherly hand was warmlytucked−in the set sun of civilization, and in thetwilight he prepares Man's evening meal ofmilk−and−morality and turns down the covers of theuniversal grave. And after the rest of us shall haveretired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit upto write a history of human civilization.

FORCE, n.

"Force is but might," the teacher said−"That definition's just."The boy said naught but throughinstead,Remembering his pounded head:"Force is not might but must!"


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FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used inpointing out two malefactors.

FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easyword to define, but when I consider that pious andlearned theologians have spent long lives inexplaining it, and written libraries to explain theirexplanations; when I remember the nations have beendivided and bloody battles caused by the differencebetween foreordination and predestination, and thatmillions of treasure have been expended in the effortto prove and disprove its compatibility with freedomof the will and the efficacy of prayer, praise, and areligious life, − recalling these awful facts in thehistory of the word, I stand appalled before themighty problem of its signification, abase myspiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate its portentousmagnitude, reverently uncover and humbly refer it toHis Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His GraceBishop Potter.

FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowedupon doctors in compensation for their destitution ofconscience.

FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purposeof putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly theknife was employed for this purpose, and by manyworthy persons is still thought to have manyadvantages over the other tool, which, however, theydo not altogether reject, but use to assist in chargingthe knife. The immunity of these persons from swiftand awful death is one of the most striking proofs ofGod's mercy to those that hate Him.

FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of apoor person − a method by which a litigant withoutmoney for lawyers is considerately permitted to losehis case.

When Adam long ago in Cupid'sawful court(For Cupid ruled ere Adam wasinvented) Sued for Eve's favor, saysan ancient law report, He stood andpleaded unhabilimented."You sue in forma pauperis, I see,"Eve cried; "Actions can't here be thatway prosecuted."

So all poor Adam's motions coldlywere denied: He went away − as hehad come − nonsuited.G.J.

FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which areligious corporation holds lands on condition ofpraying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval timesmany of the wealthiest fraternities obtained theirestates in this simple and cheap manner, and oncewhen Henry VIII of England sent an officer toconfiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternityof monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said thePrior, "would you master stay our benefactor's soul inPurgatory?" "Ay," said the officer, coldly, "an ye willnot pray him thence for naught he must e'en roast.""But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "thisact hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, goodfather, my master the king doth but deliver him fromthe manifold temptations of too great wealth."

FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way ofbusiness, whose annexations lack of the sanctifyingmerit of magnitude.

FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress ofauthority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint'sinfinite multitude of methods. A political conditionthat every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtualmonopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedomand liberty is not accurately known; naturalists havenever been able to find a living specimen of either.

Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell;On every wind, indeed, that blowsI hear her yell.She screams whenever monarchsmeet,And parliaments as well,To bind the chains about her feetAnd toll her knell.And when the sovereign people castThe votes they cannot spell,Upon the pestilential blastHer clamors swell.For all to whom the power's givenTo sway or to compel,Among themselves apportion Heaven


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And give her Hell.Blary O'Gary

FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites,grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes, which,originating in the reign of Charles II, among workingartisans of London, has been joined successively bythe dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogressionuntil now it embraces all the generations of man onthe hither side of Adam and is drumming updistinguished recruits among the pre−Creationalinhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The orderwas founded at different times by Charlemagne,Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster,Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems andsymbols have been found in the Catacombs of Parisand Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and theChinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnakand Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids − alwaysby a Freemason.

FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow.Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truthand common sense.

FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two infair weather, but only one in foul.

The sea was calm and the sky wasblue;Merrily, merrily sailed we two.(High barometer maketh glad.)On the tipsy ship, with a dreadfulshout,The tempest descended and we fellout.(O the walking is nasty bad!)Armit Huff Bettle

FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The firstmention of frogs in profane literature is in Homer'snarrative of the war between them and the mice.Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorshipof the work, but the learned, ingenious andindustrious Dr. Schliemann has set the questionforever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slainfrogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by whichPharaoh was besought to favor the Israelities was aplague of frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked themfricasees, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism,

that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jewscould; so the programme was changed. The frog is adiligent songster, having a good voice but no ear. Thelibretto of his favorite opera, as written byAristophanes, is brief, simple and effective −"brekekex−koax"; the music is apparently by thateminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses have afrog in each hoof − a thoughtful provision of nature,enabling them to shine in a hurdle race.

FRYING−PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatusemployed in that punitive institution, a woman'skitchen. The frying−pan was invented by Calvin, andby him used in cooking span−long infants that haddied without baptism; and observing one day thehorrible torment of a tramp who had incautiouslypulled a fried babe from the waste−dump anddevoured it, it occurred to the great divine to robdeath of its terrors by introducing the frying−pan intoevery household in Geneva. Thence it spread to allcorners of the world, and has been of invaluableassistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. Thefollowing lines (said to be from the pen of his GraceBishop Potter) seem to imply that the usefulness ofthis utensil is not limited to this world; but as theconsequences of its employment in this life reachover into the life to come, so also itself may be foundon the other side, rewarding its devotees:

Old Nick was summoned to the skies.Said Peter: "Your intentionsAre good, but you lack enterpriseConcerning new inventions."Now, broiling in an ancient planOf torment, but I hear itReported that the frying−panSears best the wicked spirit."Go get one − fill it up with fat −Fry sinners brown and good in't.""I know a trick worth two o' that,"Said Nick − "I'll cook their food in't."

FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest ourrespect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, andstrengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepensour groans and doubles our tears.

The savage dies − they sacrifice ahorseTo bear to happy hunting−grounds


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the corse. Our friends expire − we

make the money fly In hope theirsouls will chase it to the sky.Jex Wopley

FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairsprosper, our friends are true and our happiness isassured.

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GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance ofmiracle plays, in which the leading actor is translatedto heaven. In this country the gallows is chieflyremarkable for the number of persons who escape it.

Whether on the gallows highOr where blood flows the reddest,The noblest place for man to die −Is where he died the deadest.(Old play)

GARGOYLE, n. A rain−spout projecting from theeaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashionedinto a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy ofthe architect or owner of the building. This wasespecially the case in churches and ecclesiasticalstructures generally, in which the gargoyles presenteda perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics andcontroversialists. Sometimes when a new dean andchapter were installed the old gargoyles wereremoved and others substituted having a closerrelation to the private animosities of the newincumbents.

GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep awoman from coming out of her stockings anddesolating the country.

GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant nobleby birth and was rightly applied to a great multitudeof persons. It now means noble by nature and istaking a bit of a rest.

GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent froman ancestor who did not particularly care to trace hisown.

GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent.

Observe with care, my son, thedistinction I reveal: A gentleman isgentle and a gent genteel.Heed not the definitions your"Unabridged" presents, Fordictionary makers are generally gents.G.J.

GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell youoffhand the difference between the outside of theworld and the inside.

Habeam, geographer of widereknown,Native of Abu−Keber's ancient town,In passing thence along the river ZamTo the adjacent village of Xelam,Bewildered by the multitude of roads,Got lost, lived long on migratorytoads,Then from exposure miserably died,And grateful travelers bewailed theirguide.Henry Haukhorn

GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust − towhich, doubtless, will be added that of its interiorwhenever a man shall come up garrulous out of awell. The geological formations of the globe alreadynoted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one,consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas−pipes,miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanishdoubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largelymade up of red worms and moles. The Tertiarycomprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass,snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans,intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap−dogsand fools.

GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of aninward fear.

He saw a ghost.It occupied − that dismal thing! −The path that he was following.Before he'd time to stop and fly,An earthquake trifled with the eyeThat saw a ghost.He fell as fall the early good;Unmoved that awful vision stood.


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The stars that danced before his kenHe wildly brushed away, and thenHe saw a post.Jared MacphesterAccounting for the uncommonbehavior of ghosts, Heine mentionssomebody's ingenious theory to theeffect that they are as much afraid ofus as we of them. Not quite, if I mayjudge from such tables ofcomparative speed as I am able tocompile from memories of my ownexperience.There is one insuperable obstacle to abelief in ghosts. A ghost never comesnaked: he appears either in awinding−sheet or "in his habit as helived." To believe in him, then, is tobelieve that not only have the deadthe power to make themselves visibleafter there is nothing left of them, butthat the same power inheres in textilefabrics. Supposing the products ofthe loom to have this ability, whatobject would they have in exercisingit? And why does not the apparitionof a suit of clothes sometimes walkabroad without a ghost in it? Thesebe riddles of significance. They reachaway down and get a convulsive gripon the very tap−root of thisflourishing faith.

GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensiblehabit of devouring the dead. The existence of ghoulshas been disputed by that class of controversialistswho are more concerned to deprive the world ofcomforting beliefs than to give it anything good intheir place. In 1640 Father Secchi saw one in acemetery near Florence and frightened it away withthe sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted withmany heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, andhe saw it in more than one place at a time. The goodman was coming away from dinner at the time andexplains that if he had not been "heavy with eating"he would have seized the demon at all hazards.Atholston relates that a ghoul was caught by somesturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury andducked in a

horsepond. (He appears to think thatso distinguished a criminal shouldhave been ducked in a tank ofrosewater.) The water turned at onceto blood "and so contynues unto ysdaye." The pond has since been bledwith a ditch. As late as the beginningof the fourteenth century a ghoul wascornered in the crypt of the cathedralat Amiens and the whole populationsurrounded the place. Twenty armedmen with a priest at their head,bearing a crucifix, entered andcaptured the ghoul, which, thinkingto escape by the stratagem, hadtransformed itself to the semblance ofa well known citizen, but wasnevertheless hanged, drawn andquartered in the midst of hideouspopular orgies. The citizen whoseshape the demon had assumed was soaffected by the sinister occurrencethat he never again showed himselfin Amiens and his fate remains amystery.

GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils ofmoderation by committing dyspepsia.

GNOME, n. In North−European mythology, adwarfish imp inhabiting the interior parts of the earthand having special custody of mineral treasures.Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes werecommon enough in the southern parts of Sweden inhis boyhood, and he frequently saw them scamperingon the hills in the evening twilight. LudwigBinkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in theBlack Forest, and Sneddeker avers that in 1803 theydrove a party of miners out of a Silesian mine. Basingour computations upon data supplied by thesestatements, we find that the gnomes were probablyextinct as early as 1764.

GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried toengineer a fusion between the early Christians and thePlatonists. The former would not go into the caucusand the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin ofthe fusion managers.


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GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in itsdomesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and astag. In its wild condition it is something like athunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone.

A hunter from Kew caught a distantviewOf a peacefully meditative gnu,And he said: "I'll pursue, and myhands imbrue In its blood at a closerinterview."But that beast did ensue and thehunter it threw O'er the top of a palmthat adjacent grew; And he said as heflew: "It is well I withdrew Ere,losing my temper, I wickedly slewThat really meritorious gnu."Jarn Leffer

GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of thispresent writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of lettinghim alone.

GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing.These, by some occult process of nature, arepenetrated and suffused with various degrees of thebird's intellectual energies and emotional character, sothat when inked and drawn mechanically across paperby a person called an "author," there results a veryfair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought andfeeling. The difference in geese, as discovered by thisingenious method, is considerable: many are found tohave only trivial and insignificant powers, but someare seen to be very great geese indeed.

GORGON, n.

The Gorgon was a maiden bold Whoturned to stone the Greeks of oldThat looked upon her awful brow.We dig them out of ruins now,And swear that workmanship so badProves all the ancient sculptors mad.

GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism ofa rich patient.

GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia,Thalia and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus,

serving without salary. They were at no expense forboard and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak ofand dressed according to the weather, wearingwhatever breeze happened to be blowing.

GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfullyprepared for the feet for the self−made man, along thepath by which he advances to distinction.

GRAPE, n.

Hail noble fruit! − by Homer sung,Anacreon and Khayyam;Thy praise is ever on the tongueOf better men than I am.The lyre in my hand has never swept,The song I cannot offer:My humbler service pray accept −I'll help to kill the scoffer.The water−drinkers and the cranksWho load their skins with liquor −I'll gladly bear their belly−tanksAnd tap them with my sticker.Fill up, fill up, for wisdom coolsWhen e'er we let the wine rest.Here's death to Prohibition's fools,And every kind of vine−pest!Jamrach Holobom

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future ispreparing in answer to the demands of AmericanSocialism.

GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid toawait the coming of the medical student.

Beside a lonely grave I stood −With brambles 'twas encumbered;The winds were moaning in the wood,Unheard by him who slumbered,A rustic standing near, I said:"He cannot hear it blowing!""'Course not," said he: "the feller'sdead − He can't hear nowt [sic] that'sgoing.""Too true," I said; "alas, too true −No sound his sense can quicken!""Well, mister, wot is that to you? −The deadster ain't a−kickin'."


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I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smileOn him, and mercy show him!"That countryman looked on the while,And said: "Ye didn't know him."Pobeter Dunko

GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies toapproach one another with a strength proportion tothe quantity of matter they contain − the quantity ofmatter they contain being ascertained by the strengthof their tendency to approach one another. This is alovely and edifying illustration of how science,having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof ofA.

GREAT, adj.

"I'm great," the Lion said − "I reignThe monarch of the wood and plain!"The Elephant replied: "I'm great −No quadruped can match my weight!""I'm great − no animal has halfSo long a neck!" said the Giraffe."I'm great," the Kangaroo said − "seeMy femoral muscularity!"The 'Possum said: "I'm great −behold,My tail is lithe and bald and cold!"An Oyster fried was understoodTo say: "I'm great because I'm good!"Each reckons greatness to consistIn that in which he heads the list,And Vierick thinks he tops his classBecause he is the greatest ass.Arion Spurl Doke

GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes aFrenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.

In his great work on Divergent Linesof Racial Evolution, the learnedProfessor Brayfugle argues from theprevalence of this gesture − the shrug− among Frenchmen, that they aredescended from turtles and it issimply a survival of the habit ofretracing the head inside the shell. Itis with reluctance that I differ with soeminent an authority, but in myjudgment (as more elaborately set

forth and enforced in my workentitled Hereditary Emotions − lib.II, c. XI) the shrug is a poorfoundation upon which to build soimportant a theory, for previously tothe Revolution the gesture wasunknown. I have not a doubt that it isdirectly referable to the terrorinspired by the guillotine during theperiod of that instrument's activity.

GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilizednations for the settlement of disputes which mightbecome troublesome if left unadjusted. By mostwriters the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to theChinese, but not upon very convincing evidence.Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispelangels with, and this opinion seems to derive somesupport from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, it hasthe hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson,Secretary of Agriculture.

Secretary Wilson became interestedin gunpowder through an event thatoccurred on the Governmentexperimental farm in the District ofColumbia. One day, several yearsago, a rogue imperfectly reverent ofthe Secretary's profound attainmentsand personal character presented himwith a sack of gunpowder,representing it as the sed of theFlashawful flabbergastor, aPatagonian cereal of greatcommercial value, admirably adaptedto this climate. The good Secretarywas instructed to spill it along in afurrow and afterward inhume it withsoil. This he at once proceeded to do,and had made a continuous line of itall the way across a ten−acre field,when he was made to look backwardby a shout from the generous donor,who at once dropped a lighted matchinto the furrow at the starting−point.Contact with the earth had somewhatdampened the powder, but thestartled functionary saw himselfpursued by a tall moving pillar of fireand smoke and fierce evolution. He


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stood for a moment paralyzed andspeechless, then he recollected anengagement and, dropping all,absented himself thence with suchsurprising celerity that to the eyes ofspectators along the route selected heappeared like a long, dim streakprolonging itself with inconceivablerapidity through seven villages, andaudibly refusing to be comforted."Great Scott! what is that?" cried asurveyor's chainman, shading hiseyes and gazing at the fading line ofagriculturist which bisected hisvisible horizon. "That," said thesurveyor, carelessly glancing at thephenomenon and again centering hisattention upon his instrument, "is theMeridian of Washington."

H

HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may betaken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime.

HABIT, n. A shackle for the free.

HADES, n. The lower world; the residence ofdeparted spirits; the place where the dead live.

Among the ancients the idea ofHades was not synonymous with ourHell, many of the most respectablemen of antiquity residing there in avery comfortable kind of way.Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselveswere a part of Hades, though theyhave since been removed to Paris.When the Jacobean version of theNew Testament was in process ofevolution the pious and learned menengaged in the work insisted by amajority vote on translating theGreek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but aconscientious minority membersecretly possessed himself of therecord and struck out the objectionalword wherever he could find it. Atthe next meeting, the Bishop ofSalisbury, looking over the work,

suddenly sprang to his feet and saidwith considerable excitement:"Gentlemen, somebody has beenrazing 'Hell' here!" Years afterwardthe good prelate's death was madesweet by the reflection that he hadbeen the means (under Providence)of making an important, serviceableand immortal addition to thephraseology of the English tongue.

HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen tolike; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Oldwitches, sorceresses, etc., were called hags from thebelief that their heads were surrounded by a kind ofbaleful lumination or nimbus − hag being the popularname of that peculiar electrical light sometimesobserved in the hair. At one time hag was not a wordof reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, allsmiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." Itwould not now be proper to call your sweetheart ahag − that compliment is reserved for the use of hergrandchildren.

HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thingmay be divided, or considered as divided. In thefourteenth century a heated discussion arose amongtheologists and philosophers as to whetherOmniscience could part an object into three halves;and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly prayed inthe cathedral at Rouen that God would demonstratethe affirmative of the proposition in some signal andunmistakable way, and particularly (if it shouldplease Him) upon the body of that hardy blasphemer,Manutius Procinus, who maintained the negative.Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of aviper.

HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling anastronomical body, but not infrequently confoundedwith "aureola," or "nimbus," a somewhat similarphenomenon worn as a head−dress by divinities andsaints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, producedby moisture in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; butthe aureola is conferred as a sign of superior sanctity,in the same way as a bishop's mitre, or the Pope'stiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, apious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and theChild wear the nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay fromthe sacred manger is similarly decorated and, to his


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lasting honor be it said, appears to bear hisunaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.

HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end ofthe human arm and commonly thrust into somebody'spocket.

HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk orlinen, used in various ignoble offices about the faceand especially serviceable at funerals to conceal thelack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention;our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted itsduties to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it intothe play of "Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemonadried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker andother reformers have done with their coattails in ourown day − an evidence that revolutions sometimes gobackward.

HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged withduties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, andheld in hereditary disesteem by a populace having acriminal ancestry. In some of the American States hisfunctions are now performed by an electrician, as inNew Jersey, where executions by electricity haverecently been ordered − the first instance known tothis lexicographer of anybody questioning theexpediency of hanging Jerseymen.

HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising fromcontemplating the misery of another.

HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who isknown as an harrangue− outang.

HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelterfrom stores are exposed to the fury of the customs.

HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, nowextinct, who came from Europe in the beginning ofthe last century and were distinguished for thebitterness of their internal controversies anddissensions.

HASH, x. There is no definition for this word −nobody knows what hash is.

HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indiansas a Thomashawk.

"O bury the hatchet, irascible Red,For peace is a blessing," the WhiteMan said. The Savage concurred, andthat weapon interred, With imposingrites, in the White Man's head.John Lukkus

HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasionof another's superiority.

HEAD−MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll−tax.

In ancient times there lived a kingWhose tax−collectors could not wringFrom all his subjects gold enoughTo make the royal way less rough.For pleasure's highway, like thedamesWhose premises adjoin it, claimsPerpetual repairing. SoThe tax−collectors in a rowAppeared before the throne to prayTheir master to devise some wayTo swell the revenue. "So great,"Said they, "are the demands of stateA tithe of all that we collectWill scarcely meet them. Pray reflect:How, if one−tenth we must resign,Can we exist on t'other nine?"The monarch asked them in reply:"Has it occurred to you to tryThe advantage of economy?""It has," the spokesman said: "we soldAll of our gray garrotes of gold;With plated−ware we now compressThe necks of those whom we assess.Plain iron forceps we employTo mitigate the miser's joyWho hoards, with greed that nevertires,That which your Majesty requires."Deep lines of thought were seen toplowTheir way across the royal brow."Your state is desperate, no question;Pray favor me with a suggestion.""O King of Men," the spokesmansaid,"If you'll impose upon each headA tax, the augmented revenue


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We'll cheerfully divide with you."As flashes of the sun illumeThe parted storm−cloud's sullengloom,The king smiled grimly. "I decreeThat it be so − and, not to beIn generosity outdone,Declare you, each and every one,Exempted from the operationOf this new law of capitation.But lest the people censure meBecause they're bound and you arefree,'Twere well some clever schemewere laidBy you this poll−tax to evade.I'll leave you now while you conferWith my most trusted minister."The monarch from the throne−roomwalkedAnd straightway in among themstalkedA silent man, with brow concealed,Bare−armed − his gleaming axerevealed!G.J.

HEARSE, n. Death's baby−carriage.

HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood−pump.Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the esat ofemotions and sentiments − a very pretty fancy which,however, is nothing but a survival of a once universalbelief. It is now known that the sentiments andemotions reside in the stomach, being evolved fromfood by chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exactprocess by which a beefsteak becomes a feeling −tender or not, according to the age of the animal fromwhich it was cut; the successive stages of elaborationthrough which a caviar sandwich is transmuted to aquaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; themarvelous functional methods of converting ahard−boiled egg into religious contrition, or acream−puff into a sigh of sensibility − these thingshave been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and byhim expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also,my monograph, The Essential Identity of the SpiritualAffections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed inDigestion − 4to, 687 pp.) In a scientific work entitled,I believe, Delectatio

Demonorum (John Camden Hotton, London, 1873)this view of the sentiments receives a strikingillustration; and for further light consult ProfessorDam's famous treatise on Love as a Product ofAlimentary Maceration.

HEAT, n.

Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is amodeOf motion, but I know now how he'sproving His point; but this I know −hot words bestowed With skill willset the human fist a−moving, Andwhere it stops the stars burn free andwild. Crede expertum − I have seenthem, child.Gorton Swope

HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has thefolly to worship something that he can see and feel.According to Professor Howison, of the CaliforniaState University, Hebrews are heathens.

"The Hebrews are heathens!" saysHowison. He's A Christianphilosopher. I'mA scurril agnostical chap, if youplease,Addicted too much to the crimeOf religious discussion in my rhyme.Though Hebrew and Howison cannotagreeOn a modus vivendi − not they! −Yet Heaven has had the designing ofme,And I haven't been reared in a wayTo joy in the thick of the fray.For this of my creed is the soul andthe gist, And the truth of it I aver:Who differs from me in his faith is an'ist, And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er −And I'm down upon him or her!Let Howison urge with perfunctorychinToleration − that's all very well, Buta roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin,And he's running − I know by thesmell − A secret and personal Hell!


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Bissell Gip

HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease fromtroubling you with talk of their personal affairs, andthe good listen with attention while you expound yourown.

HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from theShebrew, an altogether superior creation.

HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half.

"Now, why is yer wife called ahelpmate, Pat?" Says the priest."Since the time 'o yer wooin' She'sniver [sic] assisted in what ye were at− For it's naught ye are ever doin'.""That's true of yer Riverence [sic],"Patrick replies, And no sign ofcontrition envices;"But, bedad, it's a fact which theword implies, For she helps to matethe expinses [sic]!"Marley Wottel

HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is madean article of neckwear which is frequently put on afterpublic speaking in the open air and prevents thewearer from taking cold.

HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies arenot sociable.

HERS, pron. His.

HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season indomestic seclusion. There have been many singularpopular notions about the hibernation of variousanimals. Many believe that the bear hibernates duringthe whole winter and subsists by mechanicallysucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of itsretirement in the spring so lean that it had to try twicebefore it can cast a shadow. Three or four centuriesago, in England, no fact was better attested than thatswallows passed the winter months in the mud at thebottom of their brooks, clinging together in globularmasses. They have apparently been compelled to giveup the custom and account of the foulness of thebrooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia awhole nation of people who hibernate. By some

investigators, the fasting of Lent is supposed to havebeen originally a modified form of hibernation, towhich the Church gave a religious significance; butthis view was strenuously opposed by that eminentauthority, Bishop Kip, who did not wish any honorsdenied to the memory of the Founder of his family.

HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) whichwas half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself acompound creature, half lion and half eagle. Thehippogriff was actually, therefore, a one−quartereagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.The study of zoology is full of surprises.

HISTORIAN, n. A broad−gauge gossip.

HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of eventsmostly unimportant, which are brought about byrulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

Of Roman history, great Niebuhr'sshown'Tis nine−tenths lying. Faith, I wish'twere known, Ere we accept greatNiebuhr as a guide,Wherein he blundered and how muchhe lied.Salder Bupp

HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of itsappetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Amongthe Mahometans and Jews, the hog is not in favor asan article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy andthe melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster thatthe fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorushas been known to draw tears from two persons atonce. The scientific name of this dicky−bird is PorcusRockefelleri. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover thehog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance.

HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of themedical profession.

HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicinemidway between Allopathy and Christian Science. Tothe last both the others are distinctly inferior, forChristian Science will cure imaginary diseases, andthey can not.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by


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another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious,excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makesno great difference to the person slain whether he fellby one kind or another − the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.

HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermonsto the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of thecongregation.

So skilled the parson was inhomileticsThat all his normal purges andemeticsTo medicine the spirit werecompoundedWith a most just discriminationfoundedUpon a rigorous examinationOf tongue and pulse and heart andrespiration. Then, having diagnosedeach one's condition, His scripturalspecifics this physicianAdministered − his pills soefficaciousAnd pukes of disposition so vivaciousThat souls afflicted with ten kinds ofAdam Were convalescent ere theyknew they had 'em. But Slander'stongue − itself all coated − utteredHer bilious mind and scandalouslymuttered That in the case of patientshaving moneyThe pills were sugar and the pukeswere honey.Biography of Bishop Potter

HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment inone's reach. In legislative bodies it is customary tomention all members as honorable; as, "the honorablegentleman is a scurvy cur."

HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.

Delicious Hope! when naught to manit left − Of fortune destitute, offriends bereft;When even his dog deserts him, andhis goat With tranquil disaffectionchews his coat

While yet it hangs upon his back;then thou, The star far−flaming onthine angel brow,Descendest, radiant, from the skies tohint The promise of a clerkship in theMint.Fogarty Weffing

HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us tofeed and lodge certain persons who are not in need offood and lodging.

HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and speciallyapplied sense of the earth's overpopulation. Hostilityis classified as active and passive; as (respectively)the feeling of a woman for her female friends, andthat which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.

HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting theMohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for thegood Mussulman, whose belief in her existencemarks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse,whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Hourisare said to be held in deficient esteem.

HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for thehabitation of man, rat, mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly,mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. House ofCorrection, a place of reward for political andpersonal service, and for the detention of offendersand appropriations. House of God, a building with asteeple and a mortgage on it. House−dog, a pestilentbeast kept on domestic premises to insult personspassing by and appal the hardy visitor. House−maid,a youngerly person of the opposing sex employed tobe variously disagreeable and ingeniously unclean inthe station in which it has pleased God to place her.

HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes onhousehold goods.

HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace.

Twaddle had a hovel,Twiddle had a palace;Twaddle said: "I'll grovelOr he'll think I bear him malice" − Asentiment as novelAs a castor on a chalice.


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Down upon the middle

Of his legs fell TwaddleAnd astonished Mr. Twiddle,Who began to lift his noddle.Feed upon the fiddle−Faddle flummery, unswaddleA new−born self−sufficiency andthink himself a [mockery.]G.J.

HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively,exclusive of the anthropoid poets.

HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softeneddown the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart andpersuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes,cat−quick.

Lo! the poor humorist, whosetortured mind See jokes in crowds,though still to gloom inclined −Whose simple appetite, untaught tostray,His brains, renewed by night,consumes by day. He thinks,admitted to an equal sty,A graceful hog would bear hiscompany.Alexander Poke

HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstrationonce very common but now generally abandoned forthe tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still inpopular use in the West Indies and is preferred bycertain old−fashioned sea−captains. It is also used inthe construction of the upper decks of steamboats, butgenerally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness hasoutlasted it.

HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers.

HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is chargedwith the care of the plate.

HYBRID, n. A pooled issue.

HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancientscatalogued under many heads.

HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some

oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at nightthe burial−places of the dead. But the medical studentdoes that.

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's ownspirits.

Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lotWhere long the village rubbish hadbeen shot Displayed a sign amongthe stuff and stumps −"Hypochondriasis." It meant TheDumps.Bogul S. Purvy

HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues thathe does not respect secures the advantage of seemingto be what he depises.

I

I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of thelanguage, the first thought of the mind, the first objectof affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the firstperson and singular number. Its plural is said to beWe, but how there can be more than one myself isdoubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to theauthor of this incomparable dictionary. Conception oftwo myselfs is difficult, but fine. The frank yetgraceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from abad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thieftrying to cloak his loot.

ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods andgoddesses in place of blood.

Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,Restrained the raging chief and said:"Behold, rash mortal, whom you'vebled −Your soul's stained white withichorshed!"Mary Doke

ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, theworshipers whereof are imperfectly gratified by theperformance, and most strenuously protest that heunbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth downbut pileth not up. For the poor things would haveother idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the


I 41

mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: "Yeshall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if therebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I willdepress the head of him and sit thereon till he squawkit."

IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribewhose influence in human affairs has always beendominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is notconfined to any special field of thought or action, but"pervades and regulates the whole." He has the lastword in everything; his decision is unappealable. Hesets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates thelimitations of speech and circumscribes conduct witha dead−line.

IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devilexperiments with seeds of new sins and promotes thegrowth of staple vices.

IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted withcertain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, andhaving certain other kinds that you know nothingabout.

Dumble was an ignoramus,Mumble was for learning famous.Mumble said one day to Dumble:"Ignorance should be more humble.Not a spark have you of knowledgeThat was got in any college."Dumble said to Mumble: "TrulyYou're self−satisfied unduly.Of things in college I'm deniedA knowledge − you of all beside."Borelli

ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of thelatter part of the sixteenth century; so called becausethey were light weights − cunctationes illuminati.

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shaftsof malice, envy and detraction.

IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poetand liar in joint ownership.

IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, orsacred fire affecting censorious critics of thisdictionary.

IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person whothinks one country better than another.

IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one'sown merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worthin others.

There was once a man in IspahanEver and ever so long ago,And he had a head, the phrenologistssaid, That fitted him for a show.For his modesty's bump was so largea lump (Nature, they said, had takena freak) That its summit stood farabove the woodOf his hair, like a mountain peak.So modest a man in all Ispahan,Over and over again they swore −So humble and meek, you wouldvainly seek; None ever was foundbefore.Meantime the hump of that awfulbumpInto the heavens contrived to getTo so great a height that they calledthe wight The man with the minaret.There wasn't a man in all IspahanProuder, or louder in praise of hischump: With a tireless tongue and abrazen lungHe bragged of that beautiful bumpTill the Shah in a rage sent a trustypage Bearing a sack and abow−string too,And that gentle child explained as hesmiled: "A little present for you."The saddest man in all Ispahan,Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted thesame. "If I'd lived," said he, "myhumilityHad given me deathless fame!"Sukker Uffro

IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the longrun and with regard to the greater number of instancesmen find to be generally inexpedient comes to beconsidered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's notionsof right and wrong have any other basis than this ofexpediency; if they originated, or could have


42 I

originated, in any other way; if actions have inthemselves a moral character apart from, and nowisedependent on, their consequences − then allphilosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.

IMMORTALITY, n.

A toy which people cry for,And on their knees apply for,Dispute, contend and lie for,And if allowedWould be right proudEternally to die for.G.J.

IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with anyweapon which remains fixed in the wound. This,however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to putto death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into thebody, the victim being left in a sitting position. Thiswas a common mode of punishment among many ofthe nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor inChina and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginningof the fifteenth century it was widely employed in"churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft callsit the "stoole of repentynge," and among the commonpeople it was jocularly known as "riding the onelegged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that inThibet impalement is considered the most appropriatepunishment for crimes against religion; and althoughin China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences,it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege.To the person in actual experience of impalement itmust be a matter of minor importance by what kind ofcivil or religious dissent he was made acquainted withits discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certainsatisfaction if able to contemplate himself in thecharacter of a weather−cock on the spire of the TrueChurch.

IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promiseof personal advantage from espousing either side of acontroversy or adopting either of two conflictingopinions.

IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate inpoint of time between sin and punishment.

IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.

IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecratingby the laying on of hands − a ceremony common tomany ecclesiastical systems, but performed with thefrankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.

"Lo! by the laying on of hands,"Say parson, priest and dervise,"We consecrate your cash and landsTo ecclesiastical service.No doubt you'll swear till all is blueAt such an imposition. Do."Pollo Doncas

IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors.

IMPROBABILITY, n.

His tale he told with a solemn faceAnd a tender, melancholy grace.Improbable 'twas, no doubt,When you came to think it out,But the fascinated crowdTheir deep surprise avowedAnd all with a single voice averred'Twas the most amazing thing they'dheard − All save one who spakenever a word,But sat as mumAs if deaf and dumb,Serene, indifferent and unstirred.Then all the others turned to himAnd scrutinized him limb from limb −Scanned him alive;But he seemed to thriveAnd tranquiler grow each minute,As if there were nothing in it."What! what!" cried one, "are younot amazed At what our friend hastold?" He raisedSoberly then his eyes and gazedIn a natural wayAnd proceeded to say,As he crossed his feet on themantel−shelf: "O no − not at all; I'ma liar myself."

IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs ofto−day from the revenues of to−morrow.


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IMPUNITY, n. Wealth.

INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to beconsidered. Said of certain kinds of testimony whichjuries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with,and which judges, therefore, rule out, even ofproceedings before themselves alone. Hearsayevidence is inadmissible because the person quotedwas unsworn and is not before the court forexamination; yet most momentous actions, military,political, commercial and of every other kind, aredaily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is noreligion in the world that has any other basis thanhearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence;that the Scriptures are the word of God we have onlythe testimony of men long dead whose identity is notclearly established and who are not known to havebeen sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidenceas they now exist in this country, no single assertionin the Bible has in its support any evidenceadmissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved thatthe battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there wassuch as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire asAssyria.

But as records of courts of justice areadmissible, it can easily be provedthat powerful and malevolentmagicians once existed and were ascourge to mankind. The evidence(including confession) upon whichcertain women were convicted ofwitchcraft and executed was withouta flaw; it is still unimpeachable. Thejudges' decisions based on it weresound in logic and in law. Nothing inany existing court was ever morethoroughly proved than the chargesof witchcraft and sorcery for whichso many suffered death. If there wereno witches, human testimony andhuman reason are alike destitute ofvalue.

INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromisingmanner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among theRomans it was customary before undertaking anyimportant action or enterprise to obtain from theaugurs, or state prophets, some hint of its probable

outcome; and one of their favorite and mosttrustworthy modes of divination consisted inobserving the flight of birds − the omens thencederived being called auspices. Newspaper reportersand certain miscreant lexicographers have decidedthat the word − always in the plural − shall mean"patronage" or "management"; as, "The festivitieswere under the auspices of the Ancient andHonorable Order of Body−Snatchers"; or, "Thehilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger."

A Roman slave appeared one dayBefore the Augur. "Tell me, pray,If −−" here the Augur, smiling, madeA checking gesture and displayedHis open palm, which plainly itched,For visibly its surface twitched.A denarius (the Latin nickel)Successfully allayed the tickle,And then the slave proceeded: "PleaseInform me whether Fate decreesSuccess or failure in what ITo−night (if it be dark) shall try.Its nature? Never mind − I think'Tis writ on this" − and with a winkWhich darkened half the earth, hedrewAnother denarius to view,Its shining face attentive scanned,Then slipped it into the good man'shand,Who with great gravity said: "WaitWhile I retire to question Fate."That holy person then withdrewHis scared clay and, passing throughThe temple's rearward gate, cried"Shoo!"Waving his robe of office. StraightEach sacred peacock and its mate(Maintained for Juno's favor) fledWith clamor from the trees o'erhead,Where they were perching for thenight.The temple's roof received their flight,For thither they would always go,When danger threatened them below.Back to the slave the Augur went:"My son, forecasting the eventBy flight of birds, I must confessThe auspices deny success."That slave retired, a sadder man,


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Abandoning his secret plan −Which was (as well the craft seerHad from the first divined) to clearThe wall and fraudulently seizeOn Juno's poultry in the trees.G.J.

INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge andmeasure of respectability, the commonly acceptedstandards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious; for,as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play has justlyremarked, "the true use and function of property (inwhatsoever it consisteth − coins, or land, or houses,or merchant− stuff, or anything which may be namedas holden of right to one's own subservience) as alsoof honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favorand acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness,are but to get money. Hence it followeth that allthings are truly to be rated as of worth in measure oftheir serviceableness to that end; and their possessorsshould take rank in agreement thereto, neither the lordof an unproducing manor, howsoever broad andancient, nor he who bears an unremunerate dignity,nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being esteemedof level excellency with him whose riches are of dailyaccretion; and hardly should they whose wealth isbarren claim and rightly take more honor than thepoor and unworthy."

INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarityof tastes, particularly the taste for domination.Incompatibility may, however, consist of ameek−eyed matron living just around the corner. Ithas even been known to wear a moustache.

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist ifsomething else exists. Two things are incompossiblewhen the world of being has scope enough for one ofthem, but not enough for both − as Walt Whitman'spoetry and God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, itwill be seen, is only incompatibility let loose. Insteadof such low language as "Go heel yourself − I meanto kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we areincompossible," would convey and equally significantintimation and in stately courtesy are altogethersuperior.

INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improperdemons who, though probably not wholly extinct,may be said to have seen their best nights. For a

complete account of incubi and succubi, includingincubae and succubae, see the Liber Demonorum ofProtassus (Paris, 1328), which contains much curiousinformation that would be out of place in a dictionaryintended as a text−book for the public schools.

Victor Hugo relates that in theChannel Islands Satan himself −tempted more than elsewhere by thebeauty of the women, doubtless −sometimes plays at incubus, greatlyto the inconvenience and alarm of thegood dames who wish to be loyal totheir marriage vows, generallyspeaking. A certain lady applied tothe parish priest to learn how theymight, in the dark, distinguish thehardy intruder from their husbands.The holy man said they must feel hisbrown for horns; but Hugo isungallant enough to hint a doubt ofthe efficacy of the test.

INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest tothe outcumbents.

INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "forwhereas," saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is butone way to do nothing and divers way to dosomething, whereof, to a surety, only one is the rightway, it followeth that he who from indecisionstandeth still hath not so many chances of goingastray as he who pusheth forwards" − a most clearand satisfactory exposition on the matter.

"Your prompt decision to attack,"said Genera Grant on a certainoccasion to General Gordon Granger,"was admirable; you had but fiveminutes to make up your mind in.""Yes, sir," answered the victorioussubordinate, "it is a great thing to beknow exactly what to do in anemergency. When in doubt whetherto attack or retreat I never hesitate amoment − I toss us a copper.""Do you mean to say that's what youdid this time?" "Yes, General; but forHeaven's sake don't reprimand me: Idisobeyed the coin."


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INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible todistinctions among things.

"You tiresome man!" criedIndolentio's wife, "You've grownindifferent to all in life.""Indifferent?" he drawled with a slowsmile; "I would be, dear, but it is notworth while."Apuleius M. Gokul

INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient andhis friends frequently mistake for deep religiousconviction and concern for the salvation of mankind.As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it,with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plentywell, no pray; big bellyache, heap God."

INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.

INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advanceone's interests.

INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when,according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us."The world begins lying about us pretty soonafterward.

INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks andRomans, sacrifices for propitation of the Dii Manes,or souls of the dead heroes; for the pious ancientscould not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritualneeds, and had to have a number of makeshift deities,or, as a sailor might say, jury−gods, which they madeout of the most unpromising materials. It was whilesacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon thatLaiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with anaudience of that illustrious warrior's shade, whoprophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ andthe triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapidbut tolerably complete review of events down to thereign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly atthe point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of acock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men toscamper back to Hades. There is a fine mediaevalflavor to this story, and as it has not been traced backfurther than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writerat the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not erron the side of presumption

in considering it apocryphal, though MonsignorCapel's judgment of the matter might be different;and to that I bow − wow.

INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believein the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one whodoes. (See GIAOUR) A kind of scoundrel imperfectlyreverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines,ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs,voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates,obeah−men, abbes, nuns, missionaries, exhorters,deacons, friars, hadjis, high−priests, muezzins,brahmins, medicine−men, confessors, eminences,elders, primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets,imaums, beneficiaries, clerks, vicars−choral,archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers,padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates,patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses,residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, ruraldeans, abdals, charm−sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs,class−leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks,talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors,beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists,cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes,readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas,lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, churchwardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes,rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums.

INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary quo given inexchange for a substantial quid.

INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believethat Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mindto − in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who holdthat that luckless person's fall was decreed from thebeginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes calledSublapsarians without material effect upon theimportance and lucidity of their views about Adam.

Two theologues once, as theywended their way To chapel,engaged in colloquial fray − Anearnest logomachy, bitter as gall,Concerning poor Adam and whatmade him fall. "'TwasPredestination," cried one − "for theLord Decreed he should fall of hisown accord."


46 I

"Not so − 'twas Free will," the other

maintained, "Which led him tochoose what the Lord had ordained."So fierce and so fiery grew the debateThat nothing but bloodshed theirdudgeon could sate; So off flew theircassocks and caps to the ground And,moved by the spirit, their hands wentround. Ere either had proved histheology rightBy winning, or even beginning, thefight,A gray old professor of Latin cameby,A staff in his hand and a scowl in hiseye, And learning the cause of theirquarrel (for still As they clumsilysparred they disputed with skill Offoreordination freedom of will)Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonlesswarfare compose: Atwixt ye's nodifference worthy of blows. The sectsye belong to − I'm ready to swear Yewrongly interpret the names that theybear. You − Infralapsarian son of aclown! − Should only contend thatAdam slipped down; While you −you Supralapsarian pup! −Should nothing aver but that Adamslipped up. It's all the same whetherup or downYou slip on a peel of banana brown.Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,But thought he had slipped on a pealof thunder!G.J.

INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit fromanother, or is otherwise an object of charity.

"All men are ingrates," sneered thecynic. "Nay," The goodphilanthropist replied; "I did greatservice to a man one dayWho never since has cursed me torepay,Nor vilified.""Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me tohim straight − With veneration I am

overcome,And fain would have his blessing.""Sad your fate − He cannot bless you,for AI grieve to state This man isdumb."Ariel Selp

INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity toa slight.

INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that weload upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in thehands and heaviest upon the back.

INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate ofiron, gum−arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitatethe infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory:it may be used to make reputations and unmake them;to blacken them and to make them white; but it ismost generally and acceptably employed as a mortarto bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, andas a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal qualityof the material. There are men called journalists whohave established ink baths which some persons paymoney to get into, others to get out of. Notinfrequently it occurs that a person who has paid toget in pays twice as much to get out.

INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent − as innate ideas,that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having hadthem previously imparted to us. The doctrine ofinnate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths ofphilosophy, being itself an innate idea and thereforeinaccessible to disproof, though Locke foolishlysupposed himself to have given it "a black eye."Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief inone's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatnessof one's country, in the superiority of one'scivilization, in the importance of one's personalaffairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases.

IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and otherbowels. Many eminent investigators do not class thesoul as an in'ard, but that acute observer andrenowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded thatthe mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothingless than our important part. To the contrary,Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul isthat prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms


I 47

the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of hisfaith points confidently to the fact that no tailedanimals have no souls. Concerning these two theories,it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.

INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on anotherthing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but mostlymemorial, intended to commemorate the fame ofsome illustrious person and hand down to distant agesthe record of his services and virtues. To this class ofinscriptions belongs the name of John Smith, penciledon the Washington monument. Following areexamples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones:(See EPITAPH.)

"In the sky my soul is found,And my body in the ground.By and by my body'll riseTo my spirit in the skies,Soaring up to Heaven's gate.1878.""Sacred to the memory of JeremiahTree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, aged27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous.""Affliction sore long time she boar,Phisicians was in vain,Till Deth released the dear deceasedAnd left her a remain.Gone to join Ananias in the regionsof bliss.""The clay that rests beneath this stoneAs Silas Wood was widely known.Now, lying here, I ask what goodIt was to let me be S. Wood.O Man, let not ambition trouble you,Is the advice of Silas W.""Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell toEarth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dustbrushed off him Oct. 3, 1874."

INSECTIVORA, n.

"See," cries the chorus of admiringpreachers, "How Providence providesfor all His creatures!" "His care," thegnat said, "even the insects follows:For us He has provided wrens andswallows."Sempen Railey

INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game ofchance in which the player is permitted to enjoy thecomfortable conviction that he is beating the manwho keeps the table.

INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir,that is a fine house − pray let meinsure it.HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure.Please make the annual premium solow that by the time when, accordingto the tables of your actuary, it willprobably be destroyed by fire I willhave paid you considerably less thanthe face of the policy.INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no −we could not afford to do that. Wemust fix the premium so that you willhave paid more.HOUSE OWNER: How, then, canI afford that?INSURANCE AGENT: Why, yourhouse may burn down at any time.There was Smith's house, forexample, which −HOUSE OWNER: Spare me − therewere Brown's house, on the contrary,and Jones's house, and Robinson'shouse, which −INSURANCE AGENT: Spare me!HOUSE OWNER: Let us understandeach other. You want me to pay youmoney on the supposition thatsomething will occur previously tothe time set by yourself for itsoccurrence. In other words, youexpect me to bet that my house willnot last so long as you say that it willprobably last.INSURANCE AGENT: But if yourhouse burns without insurance it willbe a total loss.HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon− by your own actuary's tables I shallprobably have saved, when it burns,all the premiums I would otherwisehave paid to you − amounting tomore than the face of the policy theywould have bought. But suppose it to


48 I

burn, uninsured, before the time uponwhich your figures are based. If Icould not afford that, how could youif it were insured?INSURANCE AGENT: O, weshould make ourselves whole fromour luckier ventures with otherclients. Virtually, they pay your loss.HOUSE OWNER: And virtually,then, don't I help to pay their losses?Are not their houses as likely as mineto burn before they have paid you asmuch as you must pay them? Thecase stands this way: you expect totake more money from your clientsthan you pay to them, do you not?INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; ifwe did not −HOUSE OWNER: I would not trustyou with my money. Very well then.If it is certain, with reference to thewhole body of your clients, that theylose money on you it is probable,with reference to any one of them,that he will. It is these individualprobabilities that make the aggregatecertainty.INSURANCE AGENT: I will notdeny it − but look at the figures inthis pamph −HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid!INSURANCE AGENT: You spokeof saving the premiums which youwould otherwise pay to me. Will younot be more likely to squander them?We offer you an incentive to thrift.HOUSE OWNER: The willingnessof A to take care of B's money is notpeculiar to insurance, but as acharitable institution you commandesteem. Deign to accept itsexpression from a Deserving Object.

INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution.Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for badgovernment.

INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalenceof one set of influences over another set; an effectwhose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote,

of the performance of an involuntary act.

INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two personsof different languages to understand each other byrepeating to each what it would have been to theinterpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which amonarchical country is governed by a warm spot onthe cushion of the throne. The experiment of lettingthe spot grow cold has commonly been attended bymost unhappy results from the zeal of many worthypersons to make it warm again.

INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools areprovidentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

Two Seidlitz powders, one in blueAnd one in white, together drewAnd having each a pleasant senseOf t'other powder's excellence,Forsook their jackets for the snugEnjoyment of a common mug.So close their intimacy grewOne paper would have held the two.To confidences straight they fell,Less anxious each to hear than tell;Then each remorsefully confessedTo all the virtues he possessed,Acknowledging he had them inSo high degree it was a sin.The more they said, the more they feltTheir spirits with emotion melt,Till tears of sentiment expressedTheir feelings. Then they effervesced!So Nature executes her featsOf wrath on friends and sympathetesThe good old rule who don't apply,That you are you and I am I.

INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony inventedby the devil for the gratification of his servants andthe plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attainsits most malevolent development in this century,being, indeed, closely related to our political system.Every American being the equal of every otherAmerican, it follows that everybody has the right toknow everybody else, which implies the right tointroduce without request or permission. TheDeclaration of Independence should have read thus:


I 49

"We hold these truths to beself−evident: that all men are createdequal; that they are endowed by theirCreator with certain inalienablerights; that among these are life, andthe right to make that of anothermiserable by thrusting upon him anincalculable quantity ofacquaintances; liberty, particularlythe liberty to introduce persons toone another without first ascertainingif they are not already acquainted asenemies; and the pursuit of another'shappiness with a running pack ofstrangers."

INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingeniousarrangement of wheels, levers and springs, andbelieves it civilization.

IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the greatfaiths of the world.

ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman.

J

J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it asa vowel − than which nothing could be more absurd.Its original form, which has been but slightlymodified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and itwas not a letter but a character, standing for a Latinverb, jacere, "to throw," because when a stone isthrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes that shape.This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by therenowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University ofBelgrade, who established his conclusions on thesubject in a work of three quarto volumes andcommitted suicide on being reminded that the j in theRoman alphabet had originally no curl.

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about thepreservation of that which can be lost only if notworth keeping.

JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king'shousehold, whose business it was to amuse the courtby ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurditybeing attested by his motley costume. The kinghimself being attired with dignity, it took the world

some centuries to discover that his own conduct anddecrees were sufficiently ridiculous for theamusement not only of his court but of all mankind.The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poetsand romancers have ever delighted to represent himas a singularly wise and witty person. In the circus ofto−day the melancholy ghost of the court fool effectsthe dejection of humbler audiences with the samejests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall,panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped thetank of royal tears.

The widow−queen of PortugalHad an audacious jesterWho entered the confessionalDisguised, and there confessed her."Father," she said, "thine ear benddown − My sins are more than scarlet:I love my fool − blaspheming clown,And common, base−born varlet.""Daughter," the mimic priest replied,"That sin, indeed, is awful:The church's pardon is deniedTo love that is unlawful."But since thy stubborn heart will beFor him forever pleading,Thou'dst better make him, by decree,A man of birth and breeding."She made the fool a duke, in hopeWith Heaven's taboo to palter;Then told a priest, who told the Pope,Who damned her from the altar!Barel Dort

JEWS−HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, playedby holding it fast with the teeth and trying to brush itaway with the finger.

JOSS−STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by theChinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation ofcertain sacred rites of our holy religion.

JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or lessadulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as areward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

K

K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but itcan be traced away back beyond them to the


50 J

Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting thepeninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was calledKlatch, which means "destroyed." The form of theletter was originally precisely that of our H, but theerudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was altered to itspresent shape to commemorate the destruction of thegreat temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa 730B.C. This building was famous for the two loftycolumns of its portico, one of which was broken inhalf by the catastrophe, the other remaining intact. Asthe earlier form of the letter is supposed to have beensuggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by thegreat antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple andnatural − not to say touching − means of keeping thecalamity ever in the national memory. It is not knownif the name of the letter was altered as an additionalmnemonic, or if the name was always Klatch and thedestruction one of nature's pums. As each theoryseems probable enough, I see no objection tobelieving both − and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself onthat side of the question.

KEEP, v.t.

He willed away his whole estate,And then in death he fell asleep,Murmuring: "Well, at any rate,My name unblemished I shall keep."But when upon the tomb 'twaswroughtWhose was it? − for the dead keepnaught.Durang Gophel Arn

KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating asuccessor.

KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmenin America and Americans in Scotland.

KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes ofexaction.

KING, n. A male person commonly known inAmerica as a "crowned head," although he neverwears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.

A king, in times long, long gone by,Said to his lazy jester:

"If I were you and you were IMy moments merrily would fly −Nor care nor grief to pester.""The reason, Sire, that you wouldthrive," The fool said − "if you'll hearit − Is that of all the fools aliveWho own you for their sovereign, I'veThe most forgiving spirit."Oogum Bem

KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly curedby the touch of the sovereign, but has now to betreated by the physicians. Thus 'the most piousEdward" of England used to lay his royal hand uponthe ailing subjects and make them whole −

a crowd of wretched soulsThat stay his cure: their maladyconvinces The great essay of art; butat his touch,Such sanctity hath Heaven given hishand,They presently amend,as the "Doctor" in Macbeth hath it.This useful property of the royalhand could, it appears, be transmittedalong with other crown properties;for according to "Malcolm,"'tis spokenTo the succeeding royalty he leavesThe healing benediction.But the gift somewhere dropped outof the line of succession: the latersovereigns of England have not beentactual healers, and the disease oncehonored with the name "king's evil"now bears the humbler one of"scrofula," from scrofa, a sow. Thedate and author of the followingepigram are known only to the authorof this dictionary, but it is old enoughto show that the jest about Scotland'snational disorder is not a thing ofyesterday.Ye Kynge his evill in me laye,Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye.He layde his hand on mine and sayd:"Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd.But O ye wofull plyght in wh.I'm now y−pight: I have ye itche!


J 51

The superstition that maladies can be

cured by royal taction is dead, butlike many a departed conviction ithas left a monument of custom tokeep its memory green. The practiceof forming a line and shaking thePresident's hand had no other origin,and when that great dignitarybestows his healing salutation onstrangely visited people, All swolnand ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, Themere despair of surgery,he and his patients are handing alongan extinguished torch which oncewas kindled at the altar−fire of a faithlong held by all classes of men. It is abeautiful and edifying "survival" −one which brings the sainted pastclose home in our "business andbosoms."

KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for"bliss." It is supposed to signify, in a general way,some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a goodunderstanding; but the manner of its performance isunknown to this lexicographer.

KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief.

KNIGHT, n.

Once a warrior gentle of birth,Then a person of civic worth,Now a fellow to move our mirth.Warrior, person, and fellow − nomore:We must knight our dogs to get anylower.Brave Knights Kennelers then shallbe,Noble Knights of the Golden Flea,Knights of the Order of St. Steboy,Knights of St. Gorge and Sir KnightsJawy. God speed the day when thisknighting fadShall go to the dogs and the dogs gomad.

KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedansfoolishly believe to have been written by divine

inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wickedimposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.

L

LABOR, n. One of the processes by which Aacquires property for B.

LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered asproperty. The theory that land is property subject toprivate ownership and control is the foundation ofmodern society, and is eminently worthy of thesuperstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, itmeans that some have the right to prevent others fromliving; for the right to own implies the rightexclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass areenacted wherever property in land is recognized. Itfollows that if the whole area of terra firma is ownedby A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F andG to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist.

A life on the ocean wave,A home on the rolling deep,For the spark the nature gaveI have there the right to keep.They give me the cat−o'−nineWhenever I go ashore.Then ho! for the flashing brine −I'm a natural commodore!Dodle

LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charmthe serpents guarding another's treasure.

LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripturerepresenting a priest of that name and his two sons inthe folds of two enormous serpents. The skill anddiligence with which the old man and lads support theserpents and keep them up to their work have beenjustly regarded as one of the noblest artisticillustrations of the mastery of human intelligence overbrute inertia.

LAP, n. One of the most important organs of thefemale system − an admirable provision of nature forthe repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in ruralfestivities to support plates of cold chicken and headsof adult males. The male of our species has arudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in noway contributing to the animal's substantial welfare.


52 L

LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by afrowning Providence as opportunity to the maker ofpuns.

Ah, punster, would my lot were cast,Where the cobbler is unknown,So that I might forget his lastAnd hear your own.Gargo Repsky

LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing adistortion of the features and accompanied byinarticulate noises. It is infectious and, thoughintermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughteris one of the characteristics distinguishing man fromthe animals − these being not only inaccessible to theprovocation of his example, but impregnable to themicrobes having original jurisdiction in bestowal ofthe disease. Whether laughter could be imparted toanimals by inoculation from the human patient is aquestion that has not been answered byexperimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that theinfection character of laughter is due to theinstantaneous fermentation of sputa diffused in aspray. From this peculiarity he names the disorderConvulsio spargens.

LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel.In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of thesovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at everyroyal feast and singing−mute at every royal funeral.Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southeyhad the most notable knack at drugging the Samsonof public joy and cutting his hair to the quick; and hehad an artistic color−sense which enabled him so toblacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of anational crime.

LAUREL, n. The laurus, a vegetable dedicated toApollo, and formerly defoliated to wreathe the browsof victors and such poets as had influence at court.(Vide supra.)

LAW, n.

Once Law was sitting on the bench,And Mercy knelt a−weeping."Clear out!" he cried, "disorderedwench!

Nor come before me creeping.Upon your knees if you appear,'Tis plain your have no standinghere."Then Justice came. His Honor cried:"Your status? − devil seize you!""Amica curiae," she replied −"Friend of the court, so please you.""Begone!" he shouted − "there's thedoor − I never saw your face before!"G.J.

LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judgehaving jurisdiction.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of thelaw.

LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in aperson of low degree.

LEAD, n. A heavy blue−gray metal much used ingiving stability to light lovers − particularly to thosewho love not wisely but other men's wives. Lead isalso of great service as a counterpoise to an argumentof such weight that it turns the scale of debate thewrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry ofinternational controversy is that at the point of contactof two patriotisms lead is precipitated in greatquantities.

Hail, holy Lead! − of human feudsthe great And universal arbiter;endowedWith penetration to pierce any cloudFogging the field of controversialhate,And with a sift, inevitable, straight,Searching precision find theunavowedBut vital point. Thy judgment, whenallowed By the chirurgeon, settles thedebate.O useful metal! − were it not for theeWe'd grapple one another's earsalway: But when we hear theebuzzing like a beeWe, like old Muhlenberg, "care notto stay."


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And when the quick have run awaylike pellets Jack Satan smelts thedead to make new bullets.

LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishingthe studious.

LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket,his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.

LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out ofthis vale of tears.

LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonineverses are those in which a word in the middle of aline rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famouspassage from Bella Peeler Silcox:

The electric light invades the dunnestdeep of Hades. Cries Pluto, 'twixt hissnores: "O tempora! O mores!"It should be explained that Mrs.Silcox does not undertake to teachpronunciation of the Greek and Latintongues. Leonine verses are so calledin honor of a poet named Leo, whomprosodists appear to find a pleasurein believing to have been the first todiscover that a rhyming couplet couldbe run into a single line.

LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus Lactuca,"Wherewith," says that pious gastronome, HengistPelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good andpunish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteousman has discerned a manner of compounding for it adressing to the appetency whereof a multitude ofgustible condiments conspire, being reconciled andameliorated with profusion of oil, the entirecomestible making glad the heart of the godly andcausing his face to shine. But the person of spiritualunworth is successfully tempted to the Adversary toeat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, saltand garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar pollutedwith sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworthsuffers an intestinal pang of strange complexity andraises the song."

LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animalmentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the

whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr.Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains withconsiderable heat that it was a species of giganticTadpole (Thaddeus Polandensis) or Polliwig − Mariapseudo−hirsuta. For an exhaustive description andhistory of the Tadpole consult the famous monographof Jane Potter, Thaddeus of Warsaw.

LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who,under the pretense of recording some particular stagein the development of a language, does what he can toarrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanizeits methods. For your lexicographer, having writtenhis dictionary, comes to be considered "as one havingauthority," whereas his function is only to make arecord, not to give a law. The natural servility of thehuman understanding having invested him withjudicial power, surrenders its right of reason andsubmits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statue. Letthe dictionary (for example) mark a good word as"obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men thereafterventure to use it, whatever their need of it andhowever desirable its restoration to favor − wherebythe process of improverishment is accelerated andspeech decays. On the contrary, recognizing the truththat language must grow by innovation if it grow atall, makes new words and uses the old in anunfamiliar sense, has no following and is tartlyreminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" − althoughdown to the time of the first lexicographer (Heavenforgive him!) no author ever had used a word thatwas in the dictionary. In the golden prime and highnoon of English speech; when from the lips of thegreat Elizabethans fell words that made their ownmeaning and carried it in their very sound; when aShakespeare and a Bacon were possible, and thelanguage now rapidly perishing at one end and slowlyrenewed at the other was in vigorous growth andhardy preservation − sweeter than honey and strongerthan a lion − the lexicographer was a personunknown, the dictionary a creation which his Creatorhad not created him to create.

God said: "Let Spirit perish intoForm,"And lexicographers arose, a swarm!Thought fled and left her clothing,which they took, And cataloguedeach garment in a book.Now, from her leafy covert when she


54 L

cries: "Give me my clothes and I'llreturn," they rise And scan the list,and say without compassion: "Excuseus − they are mostly out of fashion."Sigismund Smith

LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission.

LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most preciouspossessions.

The rising People, hot and out ofbreath,Roared around the palace: "Liberty ordeath!" "If death will do," the Kingsaid, "let me reign; You'll have, I'msure, no reason to complain." MarthaBraymance

LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, notinfrequently found editing a newspaper. In hischaracter of editor he is closely allied to theblackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for intruth the lickspittle is only the blackmailer underanother aspect, although the latter is frequently foundas an independent species. Lickspittling is moredetestable than blackmailing, precisely as thebusiness of a confidence man is more detestable thanthat of a highway robber; and the parallel maintainsitself throughout, for whereas few robbers will cheat,every sneak will plunder if he dare.

LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body fromdecay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yetwhen lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worthliving?" has been much discussed; particularly bythose who think it is not, many of whom have writtenat great length in support of their view and by carefulobservance of the laws of health enjoyed for longterms of years the honors of successful controversy.

"Life's not worth living, and that's thetruth," Carelessly caroled the goldenyouth.In manhood still he maintained thatviewAnd held it more strongly the olderhe grew. When kicked by a jackass ateighty−three,"Go fetch me a surgeon at once!"

cried he.Han Soper

LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore inwhich the government maintains a lamp and thefriend of a politician.

LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of anAmerican woman.

'Twas a pair of boots that the ladybought, And the salesman laced themtightTo a very remarkable height −Higher, indeed, than I think he ought−Higher than can be right.For the Bible declares − but nevermind:It is hardly fitTo censure freely and fault to findWith others for sins that I'm notinclined Myself to commit.Each has his weakness, and thoughmy ownIs freedom from every sin,It still were unfair to pitch in,Discharging the first censorious stone.Besides, the truth compels me to say,The boots in question were made thatway. As he drew the lace she made agrimace,And blushingly said to him:"This boot, I'm sure, is too high toendure, It hurts my − hurts my −limb."The salesman smiled in a mannermild,Like an artless, undesigning child;Then, checking himself, to his facehe gave A look as sorrowful as thegrave,Though he didn't care two figsFor her paints and throes,As he stroked her toes,Remarking with speech and mannerjustBefitting his calling: "Madam, I trustThat it doesn't hurt your twigs."B. Percival Dike


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LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which,when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp."− Calcraft the Hangman.

LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin forthe hope of retaining his bones.

LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as apig and come out of as a sausage.

LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully providedby nature to be bilious with. The sentiments andemotions which every literary anatomist now knowsto haunt the heart were anciently believed to infest theliver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotionalside of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." Itwas at one time considered the seat of life; hence itsname − liver, the thing we live with. The liver isheaven's best gift to the goose; without it that birdwould be unable to supply us with the Strasbourgpate.

LL.D. Letters indicating the degree LegumptionorumDoctor, one learned in laws, gifted with legalgumption. Some suspicion is cast upon this derivationby the fact that the title was formerly LL.d., andconferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for theirwealth. At the date of this writing ColumbiaUniversity is considering the expediency of makinganother degree for clergymen, in place of the oldD.D. − Damnator Diaboli. The new honor will beknown as Sanctorum Custus, and written $$c. Thename of the Rev. John Satan has been suggested as asuitable recipient by a lover of consistency, whopoints out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck haslong enjoyed the advantage of a degree.

LOCK−AND−KEY, n. The distinguishing device ofcivilization and enlightenment.

LODGER, n. A less popular name for the SecondPerson of that delectable newspaper Trinity, theRoomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer.

LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strictaccordance with the limitations and incapacities ofthe human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is thesyllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premiseand a conclusion − thus:

Major Premise: Sixty men can do apiece of work sixty times as quicklyas one man.Minor Premise: One man can dig aposthole in sixty seconds; therefore −Conclusion: Sixty men can dig aposthole in one second. This may becalled the syllogism arithmetical, inwhich, by combining logic andmathematics, we obtain a doublecertainty and are twice blessed.

LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons arewords and the wounds punctures in the swim−bladderof self−esteem − a kind of contest in which, thevanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor isdenied the reward of success.

'Tis said by divers of the scholar−menThat poor Salmasius died of Milton'spen.Alas! we cannot know if this is true,For reading Milton's wit we perishtoo.

LOGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injurywith meek forbearance while maturing a plan ofrevenge.

LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fearof death.

LOOKING−GLASS, n. A vitreous plane uponwhich to display a fleeting show for man's disillusiongiven.

The King of Manchuria had a magiclooking−glass, whereon whosolooked saw, not his own image, butonly that of the king. A certaincourtier who had long enjoyed theking's favor and was thereby enrichedbeyond any other subject of therealm, said to the king: "Give me, Ipray, thy wonderful mirror, so thatwhen absent out of thine augustpresence I may yet do homage beforethy visible shadow, prostratingmyself night and morning in theglory of thy benign countenance, as


56 L

which nothing has so divinesplendor, O Noonday Sun of theUniverse!"Please with the speech, the kingcommanded that the mirror beconveyed to the courtier's palace; butafter, having gone thither withoutapprisal, he found it in an apartmentwhere was naught but idle lumber.And the mirror was dimmed withdust and overlaced with cobwebs.This so angered him that he fisted ithard, shattering the glass, and wassorely hurt. Enraged all the more bythis mischance, he commanded thatthe ungrateful courtier be thrown intoprison, and that the glass be repairedand taken back to his own palace;and this was done. But when the kinglooked again on the mirror he sawnot his image as before, but only thefigure of a crowned ass, having abloody bandage on one of its hinderhooves − as the artificers and all whohad looked upon it had beforediscerned but feared to report. Taughtwisdom and charity, the king restoredhis courtier to liberty, had the mirrorset into the back of the throne andreigned many years with justice andhumility; and one day when he fellasleep in death while on the throne,the whole court saw in the mirror theluminous figure of an angel, whichremains to this day.

LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders thesufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish totalk.

LORD, n. In American society, an English touristabove the state of a costermonger, as, lord'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. Thetraveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir,"as, Sir 'Arry Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word"Lord" is sometimes used, also, as a title of theSupreme Being; but this is thought to be ratherflattery than true reverence.

Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own

accord, Wedded a wandering Englishlord − Wedded and took him to dwellwith her "paw," A parent who throveby the practice of Draw. Lord CaddeI don't hesitate to declareUnworthy the father−in−legal careOf that elderly sport, notwithstandingthe truth That Cadde had renouncedall the follies of youth; For, sad torelate, he'd arrived at the stage Ofexistence that's marked by the vicesof age. Among them, cupidity causedhim to urgeRepeated demands on the pocket ofSplurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune,that gentleman saw Inadequate aid inthe practice of Draw,And took, as a means of augmentinghis pelf, To the business of being alord himself.His neat−fitting garments he wilfullyshed And sacked himself strangely inchecks instead; Denuded his chin, butretained at each ear A whisker thatlooked like a blasted career. Hepainted his neck an incarnadine hueEach morning and varnished it allthat he knew. The moony monocularset in his eyeAppeared to be scanning the SweetBye−and−Bye. His head wasenroofed with a billycock hat, Andhis low−necked shoes were aduncousand flat. In speech he eschewed hisAmerican ways,Denying his nose to the use of his A'sAnd dulling their edge till thedelicate sense Of a babe at theirtemper could take no offence. His H's− 'twas most inexpressibly sweet,The patter they made as they fell athis feet! Re−outfitted thus, Mr.Splurge without fear Began as LordSplurge his recouping career. Alas,the Divinity shaping his endEntertained other views and decidedto send His lordship in horror,despair and dismay From the land ofthe nobleman's natural prey. For, smitwith his Old World ways, Lady


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Cadde Fell − suffering Caesar! − inlove with her dad!G.J.

LORE, n. Learning − particularly that sort which isnot derived from a regular course of instruction butcomes of the reading of occult books, or by nature.This latter is commonly designated as folk−lore andembraces popularly myths and superstitions. InBaring−Gould's Curious Myths of the MiddleAges the reader will find many of these tracedbackward, through various people son converginglines, toward a common origin in remote antiquity.Among these are the fables of "Teddy the GiantKiller," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "LittleRed Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty andthe Brisbane," "The Seven Aldermen of Ephesus,""Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The fable withGoethe so affectingly relates under the title of "TheErl− King" was known two thousand years ago inGreece as "The Demos and the Infant Industry." Oneof the most general and ancient of these myths is thatArabian tale of "Ali Baba and the FortyRockefellers."

LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not.Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a defeatedcandidate that he "lost his election"; and of thateminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost hismind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense,that the word is used in the famous epitaph:

Here Huntington's ashes long havelainWhose loss is our eternal gain,For while he exercised all his powersWhatever he gained, the loss wasours.

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriageor by removal of the patient from the influences underwhich he incurred the disorder. This disease, likecaries and many other ailments, is prevalent onlyamong civilized races living under artificialconditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air andeating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages.It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to thephysician than to the patient.

LOW−BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up.

LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon asubject; as an editor by not writing about it.

LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, asdistinguished from Lunatic, one whom the mooninhabits. The Lunarians have been described byLucian, Locke and other observers, but without muchagreement. For example, Bragellos avers theiranatomical identity with Man, but ProfessorNewcomb says they are more like the hill tribes ofVermont.

LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The wordis now used in a figurative sense to denote the poeticfaculty, as in the following fiery lines of our greatpoet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox:

I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre,And pick with care the disobedientwire.That stupid shepherd lolling on hiscrookWith deaf attention scarcely deigns tolook. I bide my time, and it shallcome at length, When, with a Titan'senergy and strength,I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O,The word shall suffer when I let themgo!Farquharson Harris

M

MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Itsform, that of a heavy club, indicates its originalpurpose and use in dissuading from dissent.

MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one'sopponents in baffling one's open and honorableefforts to do the right thing.

So plain the advantages ofmachinationIt constitutes a moral obligation,And honest wolves who think upon'twith loathing Feel bound to don thesheep's deceptive clothing. Soprospers still the diplomatic art,And Satan bows, with hand upon his


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heart.R.S.K.

MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods andliving to a great age. History is abundantly suppliedwith examples, from Methuselah to Old Parr, butsome notable instances of longevity are less wellknown. A Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in1753, lived so long that he had what he considered aglimpse of the dawn of universal peace. Scanaviusrelates that he knew an archbishop who was so oldthat he could remember a time when he did notdeserve hanging. In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol,England, declared that he had lived five hundredyears, and that in all that time he had never told a lie.There are instances of longevity (macrobiosis) in ourown country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old enoughto know better. The editor of The American, anewspaper in New York City, has a memory that goesback to the time when he was a rascal, but not to thefact. The President of the United States was born solong ago that many of the friends of his youth haverisen to high political and military preferment withoutthe assistance of personal merit. The verses followingwere written by a macrobian:

When I was young the world was fairAnd amiable and sunny.A brightness was in all the air,In all the waters, honey.The jokes were fine and funny,The statesmen honest in their views,And in their lives, as well,And when you heard a bit of news'Twas true enough to tell.Men were not ranting, shouting,reeking,Nor women "generally speaking."The Summer then was long indeed:It lasted one whole season!The sparkling Winter gave no heedWhen ordered by UnreasonTo bring the early peas on.Now, where the dickens is the senseIn calling that a yearWhich does no more than justcommenceBefore the end is near?When I was young the year extendedFrom month to month until it ended.

I know not why the world haschangedTo something dark and dreary,And everything is now arrangedTo make a fellow weary.The Weather Man − I fear heHas much to do with it, for, sure,The air is not the same:It chokes you when it is impure,When pure it makes you lame.With windows closed you areasthmatic;Open, neuralgic or sciatic.Well, I suppose this new regimeOf dun degenerationSeems eviler than it would seemTo a better observation,And has for compensationSome blessings in a deep disguiseWhich mortal sight has failedTo pierce, although to angels' eyesThey're visible unveiled.If Age is such a boon, good land!He's costumed by a master hand!Venable Strigg

MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectualindependence; not conforming to standards ofthought, speech and action derived by theconformants from study of themselves; at odds withthe majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy thatpersons are pronounced mad by officials destitute ofevidence that themselves are sane. For illustration,this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is nofirmer in the faith of his own sanity than is anyinmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught heknows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupationthat seems to him to be engaging his powers he mayreally be beating his hands against the window bars ofan asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, tothe innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators.

MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala.Popularly, a woman found out. This definition of theword has the authority of ignorance, Mary ofMagdala being another person than the penitentwoman mentioned by St. Luke. It has also the officialsanction of the governments of Great Britain and theUnited States. In England the word is pronouncedMaudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly


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sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, andtheir Bedlam for Bethlehem, the English may justlyboast themselves the greatest of revisers.

MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition intocoin. There are other arts serving the same highpurpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not namethem.

MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism.

MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet.The two definitions immediately foregoing arecondensed from the works of one thousand eminentscientists, who have illuminated the subject with agreat white light, to the inexpressible advancement ofhuman knowledge.

MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur orsplendor superior to that to which the spectator isaccustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or theglory of a glowworm, to a maggot.

MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purelyrelative, nothing is large and nothing small. Ifeverything in the universe were increased in bulk onethousand diameters nothing would be any larger thanit was before, but if one thing remain unchanged allthe others would be larger than they had been. To anunderstanding familiar with the relativity ofmagnitude and distance the spaces and masses of theastronomer would be no more impressive than thoseof the microscopist. For anything we know to thecontrary, the visible universe may be a small part ofan atom, with its component ions, floating in the life−fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possiblythe wee creatures peopling the corpuscles of our ownblood are overcome with the proper emotion whencontemplating the unthinkable distance from one ofthese to another.

MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish dispositionsuggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.

MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sexaddicted to clewless conduct and views that maddento crime. The genus has a wide geographicaldistribution, being found wherever sought anddeplored wherever found. The maiden is notaltogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her

piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, thoughin respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to therainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that isaudible, bleating out of the field by the canary −which, also, is more portable.

A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang−− This quaint, sweet song sang she;"It's O for a youth with a footballbangAnd a muscle fair to see!The Captain heOf a team to be!On the gridiron he shall shine,A monarch by right divine,And never to roast on it − me!"Opoline Jones

MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regardedwith a just contempt by the Most Eminent GrandMasters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees andImperial Potentates of the ancient and honorableorders of republican America.

MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, ornegligible sex. The male of the human race iscommonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. Thegenus has two varieties: good providers and badproviders.

MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progressof the human race.

MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and hisdoctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limitingpopulation, but found that it could not be done bytalking. One of the most practical exponents of theMalthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all thefamous soldiers have been of the same way ofthinking.

MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animalswhose females in a state of nature suckle their young,but when civilized and enlightened put them out tonurse, or use the bottle.

MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leadingreligion. The chief temple is in the holy city of NewYork.

He swore that all other religions were


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gammon, And wore out his knees inthe worship of Mammon.Jared Oopf

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturouscontemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlookwhat he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupationis extermination of other animals and his own species,which, however, multiplies with such insistentrapidity as to infest the whole habitable earh andCanada.

When the world was young and Manwas new, And everything waspleasant,Distinctions Nature never drew'Mongst kings and priest and peasant.We're not that way at present,Save here in this Republic, whereWe have that old regime,For all are kings, however bareTheir backs, howe'er extremeTheir hunger. And, indeed, each hasa voice To accept the tyrant of hisparty's choice.A citizen who would not vote,And, therefore, was detested,Was one day with a tarry coat(With feathers backed and breasted)By patriots invested."It is your duty," cried the crowd,"Your ballot true to castFor the man o' your choice." Hehumbly bowed, And explained hiswicked past:"That's what I very gladly wouldhave done, Dear patriots, but he hasnever run."Apperton Duke

MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks andRomans. They were in a state of dull discomfort untilthe bodies from which they had exhaled were buriedand burned; and they seem not to have beenparticularly happy afterward.

MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine ofan incessant warfare between Good and Evil. WhenGood gave up the fight the Persians joined thevictorious Opposition.

MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to theIsraelites in the wilderness. When it was no longersupplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil,fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the originaloccupants.

MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of acommunity consisting of a master, a mistress and twoslaves, making in all, two.

MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of leastreluctance to a desired death.

MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, asdistinguished from an imaginary one. Important.

Material things I know, or fell, orsee; All else is immaterial to me.Jamrach Holobom

MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly ofthe rich.

MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which servethe French in place of a state religion.

ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personalpronoun in English has three cases, the dominative,the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is allthree.

MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly.The word is the ancient name of a river about onehundred and fifty miles south of Troy, which turnedand twisted in the effort to get out of hearing whenthe Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.

MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward forvirtues, attainments or services more or less authentic.It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded amedal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that,being asked the meaning of the medal, he replied: "Isave lives sometimes." And sometimes he didn't.

MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery tokill a dog in Broadway.

MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning arevenge that is worth while.


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M is for Moses,

Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet asa rose isThe meekness of Moses.No monument shows hisPost−mortem inscription,But M is for MosesWho slew the Egyptian.The Biographical Alphabet

MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and bymany erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A finewhite clay, which for convenience in coloring itbrown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by theworkmen engaged in that industry. The purpose ofcoloring it has not been disclosed by themanufacturers.

There was a youth (you've heardbefore, This woeful tale, may be),Who bought a meerschaum pipe andsworeThat color it would he!He shut himself from the world away,Nor any soul he saw.He smoke by night, he smoked byday,As hard as he could draw.His dog died moaning in the wrathOf winds that blew aloof;The weeds were in the gravel path,The owl was on the roof."He's gone afar, he'll come no more,"The neighbors sadly say.And so they batter in the doorTo take his goods away.Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngsterlay,Nut−brown in face and limb."That pipe's a lovely white," they say,"But it has colored him!"The moral there's small need to sing −'Tis plain as day to you:Don't play your game on any thingThat is a gamester too.Martin Bulstrode

MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric.

MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercialpursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which thething pursued is a dollar.

MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detectedoffenders.

MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore goodclothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity todinner.

METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism.

MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand yearswhen the lid is to be screwed down, with allreformers on the under side.

MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted bythe brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavor toascertain its own nature, the futility of the attemptbeing due to the fact that it has nothing but itself toknow itself with. From the Latin mens, a factunknown to that honest shoe−seller, who, observingthat his learned competitor over the way haddisplayed the motto "Mens conscia recti,"emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's,women's and children's conscia recti."

MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.

MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with alower responsibility. In diplomacy and officer sentinto a foreign country as the visible embodiment ofhis sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification isa degree of plausible inveracity next below that of anambassador.

MINOR, adj. Less objectionable.

MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer ormusician; now a nigger with a color less than skindeep and a humor more than flesh and blood can bear.

MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order ofnature and unaccountable, as beating a normal handof four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.

MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of


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unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever,and its present signification may be regarded astheology's noblest contribution to the development ofour language.

MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the lawhaving less dignity than a felony and constituting noclaim to admittance into the best criminal society.

By misdemeanors he essays to climbInto the aristocracy of crime.O, woe was him! − with manner chilland grand "Captains of industry"refused his hand,"Kings of finance" denied himrecognitionAnd "railway magnates" jeered hislow condition. He robbed a bank tomake himself respected. They stillrebuffed him, for he was detected.S.V. Hanipur

MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaevalwarfare was used by the foot soldier to remind anunhorsed knight that he was mortal.

MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that nevermisses.

MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarriedwomen to indicate that they are in the market. Miss,Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three mostdistinctly disagreeable words in the language, insound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, theother of Master. In the general abolition of socialtitles in this our country they miraculously escaped toplague us. If we must have them let us be consistentand give one to the unmarried man. I venture tosuggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh.

MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit ofmatter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also theultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closerresemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisibleunit of matter. Three great scientific theories of thestructure of the universe are the molecular, thecorpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, withHaeckel, the condensation of precipitation of matterfrom ether − whose existence is proved by thecondensation of precipitation. The present trend of

scientific thought is toward the theory of ions. Theion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and theatom in that it is an ion. A fifth theory is held byidiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more aboutthe matter than the others.

MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.(See Molecule.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly ashe seems willing to be understood, the monad hasbody without bulk, and mind without manifestation −Leibnitz knows him by the innate power ofconsidering. He has founded upon him a theory of theuniverse, which the creature bears withoutresentment, for the monad is a gentlmean. Small as heis, the monad contains all the powers and possibilitiesneedful to his evolution into a German philosopher ofthe first class − altogether a very capable little fellow.He is not to be confounded with the microbe, orbacillus; by its inability to discern him, a goodmicroscope shows him to be of an entirely distinctspecies.

MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning.Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation of theword attests, and as many subjects have had occasionto learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch hasstill a considerable influence in public affairs and inthe disposition of the human head, but in westernEurope political administration is mostly entrusted tohis ministers, he being somewhat preoccupied withreflections relating to the status of his own head.

MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n.Government.

MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day afterthe baseball game.

MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to usexcepting when we part with it. An evidence ofculture and a passport to polite society. Supportableproperty.

MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itselfat home in genealogical trees.

MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of onesyllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifyingtheir delight in the vapid compound by appropriategoogoogling. The words are commonly Saxon − that


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is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute ofideas and incapable of any but the most elementarysentiments and emotions.

The man who writes in SaxonIs the man to use an ax onJudibras

MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, ofwhich the Founder of our religion overlooked theadvantages.

MONUMENT, n. A structure intended tocommemorate something which either needs nocommemoration or cannot be commemorated.

The bones of Agammemnon are ashow,And ruined is his royal monument,but Agammemnon's fame suffers nodiminution in consequence. Themonument custom has its reductionesad absurdum in monuments "to theunknown dead" − that is to say,monuments to perpetuate thememory of those who have left nomemory.

MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutablestandard of right. Having the quality of generalexpediency.

It is sayd there be a raunge ofmountaynes in the Easte, on one sydeof the which certayn conducts areimmorall, yet on the other syde theyare holden in good esteeme;wherebye the mountayneer is muchconveenyenced, for it is given to himto goe downe eyther way and act as itshall suite his moode, withoutenoffence. Gooke's Meditations

MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much.

MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path withfainting women. As in Rome Christians were thrownto the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the mostancient and famous city of the world, female hereticswere thrown to the mice. Jakak−Zotp, the historian,the only Otumwump whose writings have descended

to us, says that these martyrs met their death withlittle dignity and much exertion. He even attempts toexculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) bydeclaring that the unfortunate women perished, somefrom exhaustion, some of broken necks from fallingover their own feet, and some from lack ofrestoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed thepleasures of the chase with composure. But if"Roman history is nine−tenths lying," we can hardlyexpect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical figure inthe annals of a people capable of so incredible crueltyto a lovely women; for a hard heart has a falsetongue.

MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a partof the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But "mousquetaire"is a might poor way to spell muskeeter.

MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; inwoman, the outlet of the heart.

MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted withself−respect and addicted to the vice of independence.A term of contempt.

MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed ofboth.

MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of politicalwisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of thestatesman's adoration. "In a multitude of consellorsthere is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men ofequal individual wisdom are wiser than any one ofthem, it must be that they acquire the excess ofwisdom by the mere act of getting together. Whencecomes it? Obviously from nowhere − as well say thata range of mountains is higher than the singlemountains composing it. A multitude is as wise as itswisest member if it obey him; if not, it is no wiserthan its most foolish.

MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly inuniversal use among modern civilized nations asmedicine, and now engaged in supplying art with anexcellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums ingratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves todistinguish man from the lower animals.

By means of the Mummy, mankind,it is said, Attests to the gods its


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respect for the dead. We plunder his

tomb, be he sinner or saint, Distil himfor physic and grind him for paint,Exhibit for money his poor, shrunkenframe, And with levity flock to thescene of the shame. O, tell me, yegods, for the use of my rhyme: Forrespecting the dead what's the limitof time?Scopas Brune

MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the westernplains. In English society, the American wife of anEnglish nobleman.

MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles −particularly when he didn't lead.

MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people'sbeliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes,deities and so forth, as distinguished from the trueaccounts which it invents later.

N

NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of theOlympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost,but the modern Kentuckians believe that they comepretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient.

Juno drank a cup of nectar,But the draught did not affect her.Juno drank a cup of rye −Then she bad herself good−bye.J.G.

NEGRO, n. The piece de resistance in the Americanpolitical problem. Representing him by the letter n,the Republicans begin to build their equation thus:"Let n = the white man." This, however, appears togive an unsatisfactory solution.

NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded tolove as ourselves, and who does all he knows how tomake us disobedient.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother tooffice for the good of the party.

NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of theuniverse invented by Newton, who discovered that anapple will fall to the ground, but was unable to saywhy. His successors and disciples have advanced sofar as to be able to say when.

NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence ofanything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school isTolstoi.

NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state ofpleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise,particularly to those wise enough to understand it.

NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthyAmerican minds ambitious to incur social distinctionand suffer high life.

NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticatedmusic. The chief product and authenticating sign ofcivilization.

NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviestpolitical assessment. To put forward a suitable personto incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of theopposition.

NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking fromthe distinction of private life and diligently seekingthe honorable obscurity of public office.

NON−COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.

NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged againstthis excellent dictionary.

NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From thecircumstance that great conquerors have great noses,Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor,calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observedthat one's nose is never so happy as when thrust intothe affairs of others, from which some physiologistshave drawn the inference that the nose is devoid ofthe sense of smell.

There's a man with a Nose,And wherever he goesThe people run from him and shout:"No cotton have weFor our ears if so be


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He blow that interminous snout!"

So the lawyers appliedFor injunction. "Denied,"Said the Judge: "the defendantprefixion, Whate'er it portend,Appears to transcendThe bounds of this court'sjurisdiction."Arpad Singiny

NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor forpublic honors. The kind of renown most accessibleand acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's−ladderleading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascendingand descending.

NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguishedfrom that which merely seems to exist, the latterbeing a phenomenon. The noumenon is a bit difficultto locate; it can be apprehended only be a process ofreasoning − which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless,the discovery and exposition of noumena offer a richfield for what Lewes calls "the endless variety andexcitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah(therefore) for the noumenon!

NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species ofcomposition bearing the same relation to literaturethat the panorama bears to art. As it is too long to beread at a sitting the impressions made by itssuccessive parts are successively effaced, as in thepanorama. Unity, totality of effect, is impossible; forbesides the few pages last read all that is carried inmind is the mere plot of what has gone before. To theromance the novel is what photography is to painting.Its distinguishing principle, probability, correspondsto the literal actuality of the photograph and puts itdistinctly into the category of reporting; whereas thefree wing of the romancer enables him to mount tosuch altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted toattain; and the first three essentials of the literary artare imagination, imagination and imagination. The artof writing novels, such as it was, is long deadeverywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peaceto its ashes − some of which have a large sale.

NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of aweariness.

O

OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, madebinding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.

OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which thewicked cease from struggling and the dreary are atrest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage forhigh hopes. A place where ambitious authors meettheir works without pride and their betters withoutenvy. A dormitory without an alarm clock.

OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomersconjecture away the guesses of their predecessors.

OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like theGadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was oncemore common than it is now. Arasthus tells of apeasant who was occupied by a different devil forevery day in the week, and on Sundays by two. Theywere frequently seen, always walking in his shadow,when he had one, but were finally driven away by thevillage notary, a holy man; but they took the peasantwith them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown outof a woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran throughthe trees, pursued by a hundred persons, until theopen country was reached, where by a leap higherthan a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplainin Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessingdevil by throwing the soldier into the water, when thedevil came to the surface. The soldier, unfortunately,did not.

OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Saidchiefly of words. A word which some lexicographerhas marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object ofdread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is agood word and has no exact modern equivalentequally good, it is good enough for the good writer.Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words isas true a measure of his literary ability as anythingexcept the character of his work. A dictionary ofobsolete and obsolescent words would not only besingularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; itwould add large possessions to the vocabulary ofevery competent writer who might not happen to be acompetent reader.


66 O

OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it ismanifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy.The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is themule, a most intelligent animal.

OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater orless frequency. That, however, is not the sense inwhich the word is used in the phrase "occasionalverses," which are verses written for an "occasion,"such as an anniversary, a celebration or other event.True, they afflict us a little worse than other sorts ofverse, but their name has no reference to irregularrecurrence.

OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (oreast) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited byChristians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites,whose principal industries are murder and cheating,which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying abouttwo−thirds of a world made for man − who has nogills.

OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotionsor sensations, as the advance of an army against itsenemy.

"Were the enemy's tactics offensive?"the king asked. "I should say so!"replied the unsuccessful general."The blackguard wouldn't come outof his works!"

OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is notinconsistent with general inefficiency, as an old man.Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to thepopular taste, as an old book.

"Old books? The devil take them!"Goby said. "Fresh every day must bemy books and bread."Nature herself approves the Goby ruleAnd gives us every moment a freshfool.Harley Shum

OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek.

Disraeli once described the mannerof Bishop Wilberforce as "unctuous,oleaginous, saponaceous." And thegood prelate was ever afterwardknown as Soapy Sam. For every manthere is something in the vocabularythat would stick to him like a secondskin. His enemies have only to findit.

OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain inThessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository ofyellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilatedsardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist andhis appetite.

His name the smirking tourist scrawlsUpon Minerva's temple walls,Where thundered once OlympianZeus,And marks his appetite's abuse.Averil Joop

OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen ifnothing happens.

ONCE, adv. Enough.

OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world,whose inhabitants have no speech but song, nomotions but gestures and no postures but attitudes.All acting is simulation, and the word simulation isfrom simia, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for hismodel Simia audibilis (or Pithecanthropos stentor) −the ape that howls.

The actor apes a man − at least inshape; The opera performer apes andape.

OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison ofIdentity. It leads into the jail yard.

OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion forgrasping a disappointment.

OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions andobjections.

How lonely he who thinks to vex


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With bandinage the Solemn Sex!Of levity, Mere Man, beware;None but the Grave deserve theUnfair.Percy P. Orminder

OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that preventsthe Government from running amuck byhamstringing it.

The King of Ghargaroo, who hadbeen abroad to study the science ofgovernment, appointed one hundredof his fattest subjects as members ofa parliament to make laws for thecollection of revenue. Forty of thesehe named the Party of Oppositionand had his Prime Minister carefullyinstruct them in their duty ofopposing every royal measure.Nevertheless, the first one that wassubmitted passed unanimously.Greatly displeased, the King vetoedit, informing the Opposition that ifthey did that again they would payfor their obstinacy with their heads.The entire forty promptlydisemboweled themselves. "Whatshall we do now?" the King asked."Liberal institutions cannot bemaintained without a party ofOpposition." "Splendor of theuniverse," replied the Prime Minister,"it is true these dogs of darkness haveno longer their credentials, but all isnot lost. Leave the matter to thisworm of the dust."So the Minister had the bodies of hisMajesty's Opposition embalmed andstuffed with straw, put back into theseats of power and nailed there. Fortyvotes were recorded against everybill and the nation prospered. But oneday a bill imposing a tax on wartswas defeated − the members of theGovernment party had not beennailed to their seats! This so enragedthe King that the Prime Minister wasput to death, the parliament wasdissolved with a battery of artillery,

and government of the people, by thepeople, for the people perished fromGhargaroo.

OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, thateverything is beautiful, including what is ugly,everything good, especially the bad, and everythingright that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity bythose most accustomed to the mischance of fallinginto adversity, and is most acceptably expoundedwith the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, itis inaccessible to the light of disproof − an intellectualdisorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It ishereditary, but fortunately not contagious.

OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine thatblack is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief.

"Ah, you wish me to restore yourhope and cheerfulness," said God."No," replied the petitioner, "I wishyou to create something that wouldjustify them.""The world is all created," said God,"but you have overlooked something− the mortality of the optimist."

ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech andaction to cheat the understanding. A tyrannytempered by stenography.

ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death hasdeprived of the power of filial ingratitude − aprivation appealing with a particular eloquence to allthat is sympathetic in human nature. When young theorphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where bycareful cultivation of its rudimentary sense of localityit is taught to know its place. It is then instructed inthe arts of dependence and servitude and eventuallyturned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack orscullery maid.

ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popularreligious joke.

ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by theeye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat thanlight by the outmates of every asylum for the insane.They have had to concede a few things since the timeof Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of


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those to be conceded hereafter. A spelling reformer indictedFor fudge was before the court cicted.The judge said: "Enough −His candle we'll snough,And his sepulchre shall not bewhicted."

OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins,doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe in whichso many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuousevidence of design. The absence of a good workingpair of wings is no defect, for, as has beeningeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.

OTHERWISE, adv. No better.

OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment.By the kind of intelligence that sees in an exception aproof of the rule the wisdom of an act is judged bythe outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense;the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light thatthe doer had when he performed it.

OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy.

OUT−OF−DOORS, n. That part of one'senvironment upon which no government has beenable to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.

I climbed to the top of a mountainone day To see the sun setting inglory,And I thought, as I looked at hisvanishing ray, Of a perfectly splendidstory.'Twas about an old man and the asshe bestrode Till the strength of thebeast was o'ertested; Then the manwould carry him miles on the roadTill Neddy was pretty well rested.The moon rising solemnly over thecrestOf the hills to the east of my stationDisplayed her broad disk to thedarkening west Like a visible newcreation.And I thought of a joke (and Ilaughed till I cried) Of an idle youngwoman who tarried

About a church−door for a look at thebride, Although 'twas herself that wasmarried.To poets all Nature is pregnant withgrand Ideas − with thought andemotion.I pity the dunces who don'tunderstandThe speech of earth, heaven andocean.Stromboli Smith

OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formalpageant in honor of one who had been disserviceableto the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph." Inmodern English the word is improperly used tosignify any loose and spontaneous expression ofpopular homage to the hero of the hour and place.

"I had an ovation!" the actor mansaid,But I thought it uncommonly queer,That people and critics by him hadbeen led By the ear.The Latin lexicon makes his absurdAssertion as plain as a peg;In "ovum" we find the true root of theword. It means egg.Dudley Spink

OVEREAT, v. To dine.

Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess,Well skilled to overeat withoutdistress!Thy great invention, the unfatal feast,Shows Man's superiority to Beast.John Boop

OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affectinghigh public functionaries who want to go fishing.

OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The wordformerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; itmeant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is stilla good deal of confusion between assets andliabilities.

OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish whichcivilization gives men the hardihood to eat without


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removing its entrails! The shells are sometimes givento the poor.

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PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that mayhave a physical basis in something that is being doneto the body, or may be purely mental, caused by thegood fortune of another.

PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfacesfrom the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Formerly, painting and sculpturewere combined in the same work: theancients painted their statues. Theonly present alliance between the twoarts is that the modern painter chiselshis patrons.

PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularlythat of a great official. The residence of a highdignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace;that of the Founder of his religion was known as afield, or wayside. There is progress.

PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties,of which the familiar "itching palm" (Palma hominis)is most widely distributed and sedulously cultivated.This noble vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum,which may be detected by applying to the bark apiece of gold or silver. The metal will adhere withremarkable tenacity. The fruit of the itching palm isso bitter and unsatisfying that a considerablepercentage of it is sometimes given away in what areknown as "benefactions."

PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according toMimbleshaw's classification) of obtaining money byfalse pretences. It consists in "reading character" inthe wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretenceis not altogether false; character can really be readvery accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in everyhand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe." Theimposture consists in not reading it aloud.

PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All theDemons. Most of them have escaped into politics andfinance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall bythe Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice

the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses mostgratifying to his pride of distinction.

PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adultcivilized male. The garment is tubular andunprovided with hinges at the points of flexion.Supposed to have been invented by a humorist.Called "trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" bythe unworthy.

PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything isGod, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God iseverything.

PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is toldwithout violence to the language. The leastdisagreeable form of dramatic action.

PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to thelife of crime. To add to the lure of crime thetemptation of ingratitude.

PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflictedupon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alienand pointing him out for special reprobation andoutrage.

PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some smallfraction of which we have a slight and regrettableacquaintance. A moving line called the Present partsit from an imaginary period known as the Future.These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which theone is continually effacing the other, are entirelyunlike. The one is dark with sorrow anddisappointment, the other bright with prosperity andjoy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is therealm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad insackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; inthe sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing,beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease.Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future isthe Past of to−morrow. They are one − the knowledgeand the dream.

PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection.Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.

PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguisedas a virtue.


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PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a partseem superior to those of the whole. The dupe ofstatesmen and the tool of conquerors.

PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to thetorch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionarypatriotism is defined as the last resortof a scoundrel. With all due respectto an enlightened but inferiorlexicographer I beg to submit that itis the first.

PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period ofcheating between two periods of fighting.

O, what's the loud uproar assailingMine ears without cease?'Tis the voice of the hopeful,all−hailing The horrors of peace.Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it −Would marry it, too.If only they knew how to do it'Twere easy to do.They're working by night and by dayOn their problem, like moles.Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray,On their meddlesome souls!Ro Amil

PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part ofthe roadway for an automobile.

PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from anarboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urbandescendant with a cigarette.

PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaitingpunishment.

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of qualitydistinguished from the actual by an element known asexcellence; an attribute of the critic. The editor of anEnglish magazine having received a letter pointingout the erroneous nature of his views and style, andsigned "Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of theletter: "I don't agree with you," and mailed it toMatthew Arnold.

PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to thephilosophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it,moved from place to place in order to avoid hispupil's objections. A needless precaution − they knewno more of the matter than he.

PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratoricalrocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having thewrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarityis the smell of the several kinds of powder used inpreparing it.

PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue wherebymediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

"Persevere, persevere!" cry thehomilists all, Themselves, day andnight, persevering to bawl."Remember the fable of tortoise andhare − The one at the goal while theother is − where?" Why, back therein Dreamland, renewing his lease Oflife, all his muscles preserving thepeace, The goal and the rivalforgotten alike,And the long fatigue of the needlesshike. His spirit a−squat in the grassand the dew Of the dogless Landbeyond the Stew,He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place,A winner of all that is good in a race.Sukker Uffro

PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon theconvictions of the observer by the dishearteningprevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hopeand his unsightly smile.

PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald)old gentleman who has trained himself to grin whilehis conscience is picking his pocket.

PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature ofits environment, following the fashion in thought,feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned,frequently prosperous, commonly clean and alwayssolemn.

PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading


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from nowhere to nothing.

PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern"small hot bird."

PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restoreslife to dead noises.

PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sunwithout instruction in art. It is a little better than thework of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of aCheyenne.

PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking thepocket through the scalp. It consists in locating andexploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopeswhen ill and our dogs when well.

PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining thecharacter of another by the resemblances anddifferences between his face and our own, which isthe standard of excellence.

"There is no art," says Shakespeare,foolish man, "To read the mind'sconstruction in the face."The physiognomists his portrait scan,And say: "How little wisdom here wetrace! He knew his face disclosed hismind and heart, So, in his owndefence, denied our art."Lavatar Shunk

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing theimpenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing the keysof the machine and the spirits of the audience.

PICKANINNY, n. The young of theProcyanthropos, or Americanus dominans. It is small,black and charged with political fatalities.

PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions ofsomething wearisome in three.

"Behold great Daubert's picture hereon view − Taken from Life." If thatdescription's true, Grant, heavenlyPowers, that I be taken, too.

Jali Hane

PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose nameis Indigestion.

Cold pie was highly esteemed by theremains. Rev. Dr. Mucker(in a funeral sermon over a Britishnobleman)Cold pie is a detestableAmerican comestible.That's why I'm done − or undone −So far from that dear London.(from the headstone of a Britishnobleman in Kalamazoo)

PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, basedupon His supposed resemblance to man.

The pig is taught by sermons andepistlesTo think the God of Swine has snoutand bristles.Judibras

PIG, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely alliedto the human race by the splendor and vivacity of itsappetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for itsticks at pig.

PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men foundby ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but bymodern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are socalled to distinguish them from the bulkierCaucasians − who are Hogmies.

PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. APilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe in 1620because not permitted to sing psalms through hisnose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he couldpersonate God according to the dictates of hisconscience.

PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflictingpersonal distinction − prototype of the modernnewspaper conducted by persons of austere virtuesand blameless lives.

PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly−swaddles,just as God made it.


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PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponentafter an imaginary encounter with oneself.

PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired bycontrast.

PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidencecompounded of a discreditable priority and anhonorable subsequence.

PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style ofanother writer whom one has never, never read.

PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishmentof the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in thefamiliar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. The plagueas we of to−day have the happiness to know it ismerely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of herpurposeless objectionableness.

PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method ofaccomplishing an accidental result.

PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element andspecial glory of popular literature. A thought thatsnores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a millionfools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment inartificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that ismortal of a departed truth. A demi−tasse ofmilk−and−mortality. The Pope's−nose of a featherlesspeacock. A jelly−fish withering on the shore of thesea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. Adesiccated epigram.

PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy ofSocrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for theaffection between a disability and a frost.

PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace paysthose who tickle and devour it.

PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for asuperstructure of imposition.

PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection.

PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the bloodof his country stained nothing but his hands.Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated

solution.

PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the willof the sovereign.

PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. AMinister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessingabsolute authority on condition that he never exert it.

PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting acorporal of thought.

PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for handsaccustomed to the pen.

PLUNDER, v. To take the property of anotherwithout observing the decent and customaryreticences of theft. To effect a change of ownershipwith the candid concomitance of a brass band. Towrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting avanishing opportunity.

POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave ofconscience. In woman this organ is lacking; so sheacts without motive, and her conscience, deniedburial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins ofothers.

POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to theLand beyond the Magazines.

POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards forsome purpose to this lexicographer unknown.

POLICE, n. An armed force for protection andparticipation.

POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.

POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as acontest of principles. The conduct of public affairs forprivate advantage.

POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mudupon which the superstructure of organized society isreared. When we wriggles he mistakes the agitationof his tail for the trembling of the edifice. Ascompared with the statesman, he suffers thedisadvantage of being alive.


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POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatorychapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, asdistinguished from monogamy, which has but one.

POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the earlyagricultural period, found in the old red soapstoneunderlying Kansas; characterized by an uncommonspread of ear, which some naturalists contend gavehim the power of flight, though Professors Morse andWhitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, haveingeniously pointed out that had he possessed it hewould have gone elsewhere. In the picturesquespeech of his period, some fragments of which havecome down to us, he was known as "The Matter withKansas."

PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownershipthrough vicissitudes of possession.

His light estate, if neither he didmake it Nor yet its former guardianforsake it,Is portable improperly, I take it.Worgum Slupsky

PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenousto Portugal. They are mostly without feathers andimperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.

POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies ourknowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance ofthe Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, itsbroadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.

POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reversesthe judgment of a popular author's contemporaries,the appellant being his obscure competitor.

POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said tobe potable; indeed, some declare it our naturalbeverage, although even they find it palatable onlywhen suffering from the recurrent disorder known asthirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has sogreat and diligent ingenuity been brought to bear inall ages and in all countries, except the mostuncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes forwater. To hold that this general aversion to that liquid

has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race isto be unscientific − and without science we are as thesnakes and toads.

POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of therats of reform. The number of plans for its abolitionequals that of the reformers who suffer from it, plusthat of the philosophers who know nothing about it.Its victims are distinguished by possession of all thevirtues and by their faith in leaders seeking to conductthem into a prosperity where they believe these to beunknown.

PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe beannulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedlyunworthy.

PRE−ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental andapparently unsatisfactory race of antedated Creationand lived under conditions not easily conceived.Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void"and to have been something intermediate betweenfishes and birds. Little its known of them beyond thefact that they supplied Cain with a wife andtheologians with a controversy.

PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, ruleor practice which, in the absence of a definite statute,has whatever force and authority a Judge may chooseto give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as he pleases. As there are precedents foreverything, he has only to ignore those that makeagainst his interest and accentuate those in the line ofhis desire. Invention of the precedent elevates thetrial−at−law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordealto the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.

PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial.

Precipitate in all, this sinnerTook action first, and then his dinner.Judibras

PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, ruleor practice which, in the absence of a definite statute,has whatever force and authority a Judge may chooseto give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task ofdoing as he pleases. As there are precedents foreverything, he has only to ignore those that makeagainst his interest and accentuate those in the line of


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his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates thetrial−at−law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordealto the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.

PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial.

Precipitate in all, this sinnerTook action first, and then his dinner.Judibras

PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all thingsoccur according to programme. This doctrine shouldnot be confused with that of foreordination, whichmeans that all things are programmed, but does notaffirm their occurrence, that being only animplication from other doctrines by which this isentailed. The difference is great enough to havedeluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of thegore. With the distinction of the two doctrines keptwell in mind, and a reverent belief in both, one mayhope to escape perdition if spared.

PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency.

PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage ofdisillusion.

PRE−EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor increation.

PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind,induced by the erroneous belief that one thing isbetter than another. An ancient philosopher,expounding his conviction that life is no better thandeath, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did notdie. "Because," he replied, "death is no better thanlife." It is longer.

PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early periodand a museum. Antedating the art and practice ofperpetuating falsehood.

He lived in a period prehistoric,When all was absurd andphantasmagoric.Born later, when Clio, celestialrecorded, Set down great events insuccession and order, He surely hadseen nothing droll or fortuitous Inanything here but the lies that she

threw at us.Orpheus Bowen

PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visiblemeans of support.

PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superiordegree of holiness and a fat preferment. One ofHeaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God.

PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to dowrong.

PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the convictionthat the government authorities of the Church shouldbe called presbyters.

PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at whatwill best prolong the situation with least harm to thepatient.

PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing thedomain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after themanner of the time and place.

In Boorioboola−Gha a man ispresentable on occasions ofceremony if he have his abdomenpainted a bright blue and wear acow's tail; in New York he may, if itplease him, omit the paint, but aftersunset he must wear two tails madeof the wool of a sheep and dyedblack.

PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberativebody to a desirable result. In Journalese, to performupon a musical instrument; as, "He presided at thepiccolo."

The Headliner, holding the copy inhand,Read with a solemn face:"The music was very uncommonlygrand −The best that was every provided,For our townsman Brown presidedAt the organ with skill and grace."


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The Headliner discontinued to read,And, spread the paper downOn the desk, he dashed in at the topof the screed: "Great playing byPresident Brown."Orpheus Bowen

PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field gameof American politics.

PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small groupof men of whom − and of whom only − it ispositively known that immense numbers of theircountrymen did not want any of them for President.

If that's an honor surely 'tis a greaterTo have been a simple and undamnedspectator. Behold in me a man ofmark and noteWhom no elector e'er denied a vote! −An undiscredited, unhooted gentWho might, for all we know, bePresidentBy acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets,cheer − I'm passing with a wide andopen ear!Jonathan Fomry

PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar estate.

PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wearand tear of conscience in demanding it.

PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially aState church supported by involuntary contributions.The Primate of England is the Archbishop ofCanterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupiesLambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbeywhen dead. He is commonly dead.

PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards.The poet assures us that −

"Stone walls do not a prison make,"but a combination of the stone wall,the political parasite and the moralinstructor is no garden of sweets.

PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with afield−marshal's baton in his knapsack and an

impediment in his hope.

PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of anelephant which serves him in place of theknife−and−fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on ajourney, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachfullook upon his tormentor, and answered, absently:"When it is ajar," and threw himself from a highpromontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pridethe most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving tomankind a heritage of woe! No successor worthy ofthe title has appeared, though Mr. Edward bok, of TheLadies' Home Journal, is much respected for thepurity and sweetness of his personal character.

PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in internationaldisputes. Formerly these disputes were settled byphysical contact of the disputants, with such simplearguments as the rudimentary logic of the times couldsupply − the sword, the spear, and so forth. With thegrowth of prudence in military affairs the projectilecame more and more into favor, and is now held inhigh esteem by the most courageous. Its capital defectis that it requires personal attendance at the point ofpropulsion.

PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more ofplausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony oftwo credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.

PROOF−READER, n. A malefactor who atones formaking your writing nonsense by permitting thecompositor to make it unintelligible.

PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having noparticular value, that may be held by A against thecupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion forpossession in one and disappoints it in all others. Theobject of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.

PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one'scredibility for future delivery.

PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. Anexpectation, usually forbidden.

Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes −O'er Ceylon blow your breath,


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Where every prospect pleases,Save only that of death.Bishop Sheber

PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly andconspicuously beneficial to the person so describingit.

PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of herdemeanor.

PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become thefundamental element in a cone of critics.

PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive tosuccess, especially in politics. The other is Pull.

PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, namedfor its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief ineverything but Pyrrhonism. Its modern professorshave added that.

Q

QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruledwhen there is a king, and through whom it is ruledwhen there is not.

QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by agoose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use ofthe quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent,the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlastingPresence.

QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancientstatesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried theirlighter arguments.

He extracted from his quiver,Did the controversial Roman,An argument well fittedTo the question as submitted,Then addressed it to the liver,Of the unpersuaded foeman.Oglum P. Boomp

QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like DonQuixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence ofthis incomparable adjective is unhappily denied tohim who has the misfortune to know that the

gentleman's name is pronounced Ke−ho−tay. When ignorance from out of our livescan banish Philology, 'tis folly toknow Spanish.Juan Smith

QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of adeliberative body to have their own way and theirown way of having it. In the United States Senate aquorum consists of the chairman of the Committee onFinance and a messenger from the White House; inthe House of Representatives, of the Speaker and thedevil.

QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneouslythe words of another. The words erroneouslyrepeated.

Intent on making his quotation truer,He sought the page infallible ofBrewer,Then made a solemn vow that wewould beCondemned eternally. Ah, me, ah,me!Stumpo Gaker

QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many timesa sum of money belonging to one person is containedin the pocket of another − usually about as manytimes as it can be got there.

R

RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise asupreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections.The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabianfable − omnipotent on condition that it do nothing.(The word is Aristocratese, and has no exactequivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as maybe, "soaring swine.")

RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerlymuch used in persuading devotees of a false faith toembrace the living truth. As a call to the unconvertedthe rack never had any particular efficacy, and is nowheld in light popular esteem.

RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of humanworth.


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He held at court a rank so highThat other noblemen asked why."Because," 'twas answered, "otherslackHis skill to scratch the royal back."Aramis Jukes

RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neitherbelongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. Themost unprofitable of investments.

RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. Thethrift of power.

RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of thehumorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. Towhom it may be solemnly explained that thecomestible known as toad−in−a−hole is really not atoad, and that riz−de−veau a la financiere is not thesmile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a shebanker.

RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect.

RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of aclouded intellect.

RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.

"Now lay your bet with mine, nor letThese gamblers take your cash.""Nay, this child makes no bet.""Great snakes! How can you be sorash?"Bootle P. Gish

RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save thoseof observation, experience and reflection.

RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, Homoventrambulans.

RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian toenhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make a guyof himself, and by the Afro−American to affirm hisworth.

REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand.The area within which it is possible (and customary)to gratify directly the propensity to provide.

This is a truth, as old as the hills,That life and experience teach:The poor man suffers that keenest ofills, An impediment of his reach.G.J.

READING, n. The general body of what one reads.In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels,short stories in "dialect" and humor in slang.

We know by one's readingHis learning and breeding;By what draws his laughterWe know his Hereafter.Read nothing, laugh never −The Sphinx was less clever!Jupiter Muke

RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to−morrowinjected into the affairs of to−day.

RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat andstimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.

RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanicaldevices enabling us to get away from where we are towher we are no better off. For this purpose therailroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for itpermits him to make the transit with great expedition.

RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain orderof architecture, otherwise known as the NormalAmerican. Most of the public buildings of the UnitedStates are of the Ramshackle order, though some ofour earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recentadditions to the White House in Washington areTheo−Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians.They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundreddollars a brick.

REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it isseem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscapepainted by a mole, or a story written by ameasuring−worm.

REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. Thatwhich would remain in the cupel if one should assaya phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

REALLY, adv. Apparently.


78 Q

REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposedpart of the army that is nearest to Congress.

REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scalesof desire.

REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.

REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection ofour own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion,dissuasion and evasion.

REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who hasfailed to establish it.

RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additionssomething not previously known.

RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities.An armed truce for the purpose of digging up thedead.

RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for adecision already made.

RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throwof the dice, accorded to the player against whom theyare loaded.

RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection torelieve a general fatigue.

RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from acivilian by his uniform and from a soldier by his gait.

Fresh from the farm or factory orstreet,His marching, in pursuit or in retreat,Were an impressive martial spectacleExcept for two impediments − hisfeet.Thompson Johnson

RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the ThirdPerson of the parochial Trinity, the Cruate and theVicar being the other two.

REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from thepenalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity

against whom they sinned. The doctrine ofRedemption is the fundamental mystery of our holyreligion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish,but have everlasting life in which to try to understandit.

We must awake Man's spirit from hissin,And take some special measure forredeeming it; Though hard indeed thetask to get it inAmong the angels any way butteaming it, Or purify it otherwisethan steaming it. I'm awkward atRedemption − a beginner:My method is to crucify the sinner.Golgo Brone

REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction.Among the Anglo−Saxon a subject conceivinghimself wronged by the king was permitted, onproving his injury, to beat a brazen image of the royaloffender with a switch that was afterward applied tohis own naked back. The latter rite was performed bythe public hangman, and it assured moderation in theplaintiff's choice of a switch.

RED−SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whoseskin is not red − at least not on the outside.

REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; de trop.

The Sultan said: "There's evidenceabundant To prove this unbelievingdog redundant."To whom the Grand Vizier, withmien impressive, Replied: "His head,at least, appears excessive."Habeeb SuleimanMr. Debs is a redundant citizen.Theodore Roosevelt

REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission ofproposed legislation to a popular vote to learn thenonsensus of public opinion.

REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind wherebywe obtain a clearer view of our relation to the thingsof yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that weshall not again encounter.


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REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformersopposed to reformation.

REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one inperil. Moses and Joshua provided six cities of refuge− Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, Schekem andHebron − to which one who had taken lifeinadvertently could flee when hunted by relatives ofthe deceased. This admirable expedient supplied himwith wholesome exercise and enabled them to enjoythe pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of thedead man was appropriately honored by observationsakin to the funeral games of early Greece.

REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as anelderly maiden's hand in marriage, to a rich andhandsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a richcorporation, by an alderman; absolution to animpenitent king, by a priest, and so forth. Refusals aregraded in a descending scale of finality thus: therefusal absolute, the refusal condition, the refusaltentative and the refusal feminine. The last is calledby some casuists the refusal assentive.

REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels andcostume of such ancient and honorable orders asKnights of Adam; Visionaries of Detectable Bosh; theAncient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League ofHoly Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; theGenteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; the MysticAlliances of Georgeous Regalians; Knights andLadies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sonsof the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff;Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the GreatHorn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the ImpenitentOrder of Wife−Beaters; the Sublime Legion ofFlamboyant Conspicuants; Worshipers at theElectroplated Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles;Fee−Faw−Fummers of the inimitable Grip;Jannissaries of the Broad−Blown Peacock; PlumedIncrescencies of the Magic Temple; the Grand Cabalof Able−Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities ofthe Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; theAffectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted; theFlashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; CooperativeAssociation for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes ofEden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith;Knights−Champions of the Domestic Dog; the HolyGregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the AncientSodality of Inhospitable Hogs;

Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity;Dukes−Guardian of the Mystic Cess−Pool; theSociety for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink;Polite Federation of Gents−Consequential; theMysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll;Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worthand Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of theTub−and−Sword.

RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear,explaining to Ignorance the nature of theUnknowable.

"What is your religion my son?"inquired the Archbishop of Rheims."Pardon, monseigneur," repliedRochebriant; "I am ashamed of it.""Then why do you not become anatheist?""Impossible! I should be ashamed ofatheism.""In that case, monsieur, you shouldjoin the Protestants."

RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacredobjects as pieces of the true cross, short−ribs of thesaints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the lung of the cockthat called Peter to repentance and so forth.Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and providedwith a lock to prevent the contents from coming outand performing miracles at unseasonable times. Afeather from the wing of the Angel of theAnnunciation once escaped during a sermon in SaintPeter's and so tickled the noses of the congregationthat they woke and sneezed with great vehemencethree times each. It is related in the "GestaSanctorum" that a sacristan in the Canterburycathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in thelibrary. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, itexplained that it was seeking a body of doctrine. Thisunseemly levity so raged the diocesan that theoffender was publicly anathematized, thrown into theStour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis,brought from Rome.

RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction betweennotoriety and fame − a little more supportable thanthe one and a little more intolerable than the other.Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly andinconsiderate hand.


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I touched the harp in every key,But found no heeding ear;And then Ithuriel touched meWith a revealing spear.Not all my genius, great as 'tis,Could urge me out of night.I felt the faint appulse of his,And leapt into the light!W.J. Candleton

REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for awrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt incommitting it.

REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced bygentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence,but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words,the tactics of the North American Indian.

REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant andfollower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in adegree of reformation that is not inconsistent withcontinuity of sin.

Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell,You will repent and join the Church,Parnell? How needless! − Nick willkeep you off the coals And add youto the woes of other souls.Jomater Abemy

REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by theartist that made the original. It is so called todistinguish it from a "copy," which is made byanother artist. When the two are mae with equal skillthe replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed tobe more beautiful than it looks.

REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to thetruth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

"More dear than all my bosomknows, O thou Whose 'lips aresealed' and will not disavow!" Sosang the blithe reporter−man as grewBeneath his hand the leg−long"interview."Barson Maith

REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling.

REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, amember of the Lower House in this world, andwithout discernible hope of promotion in the next.

REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of aluckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine ofreprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it wassomewhat marred by the sad sincerity of hisconviction that although some are foredoomed toperdition, others are predestined to salvation.

REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thinggoverning and the thing governed being the same,there is only a permitted authority to enforce anoptional obedience. In a republic, the foundation ofpublic order is the ever lessening habit of submissioninherited from ancestors who, being truly governed,submitted because they had to. There are as manykinds of republics as there are graduations betweenthe despotism whence they came and the anarchywhither they lead.

REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minorpoets assure us the winds sing o'er the graves of theirfavorites. Sometimes, by way of providing a variedentertainment, they sing a dirge.

RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave.

RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for anadvantage. To renounce an advantage for a greateradvantage.

'Twas rumored Leonard Wood hadsignedA true renunciationOf title, rank and every kindOf military station −Each honorable station.By his example fired − inclinedTo noble emulation,The country humbly was resignedTo Leonard's resignation −His Christian resignation.Politian Greame

RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that weapprove.


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RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of aliaison between a bald head and a bank account.

RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the noseand mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby tofilter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against asentenced assassin, to enable the Executive todetermine whether the murder may not have beendone by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in thecontinuity of a disagreeable expectation.

Altgeld upon his incandescend bedLay, an attendant demon at his head."O cruel cook, pray grant me somerelief − Some respite from the roast,however brief.""Remember how on earth I pardonedallYour friends in Illinois when held inthrall.""Unhappy soul! for that alone yousquirmO'er fire unquenched, a never−dyingworm."Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,Your doom I'll mollify and painsabate."Naught, for a season, shall yourcomfort mar, Not even the memoryof who you are."Throughout eternal space dreadsilence fell; Heaven trembled asCompassion entered Hell."As long, sweet demon, let myrespite beAs, governing down here, I'd respitethee.""As long, poor soul, as any of thepackYou thrust from jail consumed ingetting back."A genial chill affected Altgeld's hideWhile they were turning him ont'other side.Joel Spate Woop

RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple Americancitizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his

consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elementalunit of a parade.

The Knights of Dominion were soresplendent in their velvet− and−goldthat their masters would hardly haveknown them."Chronicles of the Classes"

RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or discloseotherwise a consciousness of having inspired aninterest in what Herbert Spencer calls "externalcoexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the earof Eve, responded to the touch of the angel's spear.To respond in damages is to contribute to themaintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and,incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.

RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easilyshifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luckor one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it wascustomary to unload it upon a star.

Alas, things ain't what we should seeIf Eve had let that apple be;And many a feller which had oughtTo set with monarchses of thought,Or play some rosy little gameWith battle−chaps on fields of fame,Is downed by his unlucky starAnd hollers: "Peanuts! − here youare!""The Sturdy Beggar"

RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing ofuniversities and public libraries by gift or bequest.

RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist.

RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which isreared the Temple of Law.

RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire−and−brimstonethat falls alike upon the just and such of the unjust ashave not procured shelter by evicting them.

In the lines following, addressed toan Emperor in exile by FatherGassalasca Jape, the reverend poetappears to hint his sense of theimproduence of turning about to face


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Retribution when it is talkingexercise:What, what! Dom Pedro, you desireto goBack to Brazil to end your days inquiet? Why, what assurance have you'twould be so? 'Tis not so long sinceyou were in a riot, And your dearsubjects showed a will to fly at Yourthroat and shake you like a rat. Youknow That empires are ungrateful;are you certain Republics are lesshandy to get hurt in?

REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers todream of battlefields no more, but get up and havetheir blue noses counted. In the American army it isingeniously called "rev−e−lee," and to thatpronunciation our countrymen have pledged theirlives, their misfortunes and their sacred dishonor.

REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. Johnthe Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealingis done by the commentators, who know nothing.

REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to agod and a dog to a man.

REVIEW, v.t.

To set your wisdom (holding not adoubt of it, Although in truth there'sneither bone nor skin to it) At workupon a book, and so read out of itThe qualities that you have first readinto it.

REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change inthe form of misgovernment. Specifically, inAmerican history, the substitution of the rule of anAdministration for that of a Ministry, whereby thewelfare and happiness of the people were advanced afull half−inch. Revolutions are usually accompaniedby a considerable effusion of blood, but are accountedworth it − this appraisement being made bybeneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance tobe shed. The French revolution is of incalculablevalue to the Socialist of to−day; when he pulls thestring actuating its bones its gestures areinexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of

fomenting law and order.

RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining−rodin prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of afool.

RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by anotherconcerning oneself.

RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneselfconcerning another. The word is of classicalrefinement, and is even said to have been used in afable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the mostfastidious writers of the fifteenth century −commonly, indeed, regarded as the founder of theFastidiotic School.

RICE−WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly usedby our most popular novelists and poets to regulatethe imagination and narcotize the conscience. It issaid to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, and isbrewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of theDismal Swamp.

RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to anaccounting the property of the indolent, theincompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and theluckless. That is the view that prevails in theunderworld, where the Brotherhood of Man finds itsmost logical development and candid advocacy. Todenizens of the midworld the word means good andwise.

RICHES, n.

A gift from Heaven signifying, "Thisis my beloved son, in whom I amwell pleased."John D. RockefellerThe reward of toil and virtue.J.P. MorganThe sayings of many in the hands ofone.Eugene DebsTo these excellent definitions theinspired lexicographer feels that hecan add nothing of value.

RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that theperson of whom they are uttered is devoid of the


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dignity of character distinguishing him who uttersthem. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident.Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the testof truth − a ridiculous assertion, for many a solemnfallacy has undergone centuries of ridicule with noabatement of its popular acceptance. What, forexample, has been more valorously derided than thedoctrine of Infant Respectability?

RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or tohave; as the right to be a king, the right to do one'sneighbor, the right to have measles, and the like. Thefirst of these rights was once universally believed tobe derived directly from the will of God; and this isstill sometimes affirmed in partibusinfidelium outside the enlightened realms ofDemocracy; as the well known lines of Sir AbednegoBink, following:

By what right, then, do royal rulersrule? Whose is the sanction of theirstate and pow'r? He surely were asstubborn as a muleWho, God unwilling, could maintainan hour His uninvited session on thethrone, or air His pride securely inthe Presidential chair.Whatever is is so by Right Divine;Whate'er occurs, God wills it so.Good land! It were a wondrous thingif His design A fool could baffle or arogue withstand! If so, then God, Isay (intending no offence) Is guiltyof contributory negligence.

RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that wasonce found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting thelower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feebleattempts were made by returned missionaries tointroduce it into several European countries, but itappears to have been imperfectly expounded. Anexample of this faulty exposition is found in the onlyextant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, acharacteristic passage from which is here given:

"Now righteousness consisteth notmerely in a holy state of mind, noryet in performance of religious ritesand obedience to the letter of the law.It is not enough that one be pious and

just: one must see to it that others also are in the samestate; and to this end compulsion is a proper means.Forasmuch as my injustice may work ill to another,so by his injustice may evil be wrought upon stillanother, the which it is as manifestly my duty to estopas to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would berighteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, byforce if needful, in all those injurious enterprises fromwhich, through a better disposition and by the help ofHeaven, I do myself restrain."

RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse,mostly bad. The verses themselves, as distinguishedfrom prose, mostly dull. Usually (and wickedly)spelled "rhyme."

RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference ordisesteem.

The rimer quenches his unheededfires,The sound surceases and the senseexpires. Then the domestic dog, toeast and west,Expounds the passions burning in hisbreast. The rising moon o'er thatenchanted landPauses to hear and yearns tounderstand.Mowbray Myles

RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to themilitary by innocent bystanders.

R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of requiescat in pace,attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. Accordingto the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the lettersoriginally meant nothing more than reductus inpulvis.

RITE, n. A religious or semi−religious ceremonyfixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oilof sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where Hemay walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off thegrass.

ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may passfrom where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile


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to go.

All roads, howsoe'er they diverge,lead to Rome, Whence, thank thegood Lord, at least one leads backhome.Borey the Bald

ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs.

It is related of Voltaire that one nighthe and some traveling companionlodged at a wayside inn. Thesurroundings were suggestive, andafter supper they agreed to tell robberstories in turn. "Once there was aFarmer−General of the Revenues."Saying nothing more, he wasencouraged to continue. "That," hesaid, "is the story."

ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance tothe God of Things as They Are. In the novel thewriter's thought is tethered to probability, as adomestic horse to the hitching−post, but in romance itranges at will over the entire region of theimagination − free, lawless, immune to bit and rein.Your novelist is a poor creature, as Carlyle might say− a mere reporter. He may invent his characters andplot, but he must not imagine anything taking placethat might not occur, albeit his entire narrative iscandidly a lie. Why he imposes this hard condition onhimself, and "drags at each remove a lengtheningchain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thickvolumes without illuminating by so much as acandle's ray the black profound of his own ignoranceof the matter. There are great novels, for great writershave "laid waste their powers" to write them, but itremains true that far and away the most fascinatingfiction that we have is "The Thousand and OneNights."

ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for remindingassassins that they too are mortal. It is put about theneck and remains in place one's whole life long. It hasbeen largely superseded by a more complex electricaldevice worn upon another part of the person; and thisis rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as thepreachment.

ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or theprow of a ship. In America, a place from which acandidate for office energetically expounds thewisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.

ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarianparty in the English civil war − so called from hishabit of wearing his hair short, whereas his enemy,the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other pointsof difference between them, but the fashion in hairwas the fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavalierswere royalists because the king, an indolent fellow,found it more convenient to let his hair grow than towash his neck. This the Roundheads, who weremostly barbers and soap−boilers, deemed an injury totrade, and the royal neck was therefore the object oftheir particular indignation. Descendants of thebelligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the firesof animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulderto this day beneath the snows of British civility.

RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as thereligions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciencesof the tribes infesting the regions lying due southfrom Boreaplas.

RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid'sbelief in the virtue of maids.

RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that producemadness in total abstainers.

RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins ofcharacter.

Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield,By guard unparried as by flightunstayed, O serviceable Rumor, letme wieldAgainst my enemy no other blade.His be the terror of a foe unseen,His the inutile hand upon the hilt,And mine the deadly tongue, long,slender, keen, Hinting a rumor ofsome ancient guilt. So shall I slay thewretch without a blow, Spare me tocelebrate his overthrow,And nurse my valor for another foe.Joel Buxter


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RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and aMongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.

S

SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin inthe fact that God made the world in six days and wasarrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observanceof the day was enforced by a Commandment of whichthis is the Christian version: "Remember the seventhday to make thy neighbor keep it wholly." To theCreator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbathshould be the last day of the week, but the EarlyFathers of the Church held other views. So great isthe sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holdsa doubtful and precarious jurisdiction over those whogo down to (and down into) the sea it is reverentlyrecognized, as is manifest in the followingdeep−water version of the Fourth Commandment:

Six days shalt thou labor and do allthou art able, And on the seventhholystone the deck and scrape thecable.Decks are no longer holystoned, butthe cable still supplies the captainwith opportunity to attest a piousrespect for the divine ordinance.

SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the beliefthat a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentousdoctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung intothe teeth of the Episcopalian church by theNeo−Dictionarians.

SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony towhich several degrees of authority and significanceare attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but theProtestant churches, being less prosperous, feel thatthey can afford only two, and these of inferiorsanctity. Some of the smaller sects have nosacraments at all − for which mean economy they willindubitable be damned.

SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose;having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughtsor emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; theMoogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes inCeylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat andthe Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the

hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. All things are either sacred orprofane.The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;The latter to the devil appertain.Dumbo Omohundro

SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holdingthe political views of Denis Kearney, a notoriousdemagogue of San Francisco, whose audiencesgathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town.True to the traditions of his species, this leader of theproletariat was finally bought off by hislaw−and−order enemies, living prosperously silentand dying impenitently rich. But before his treason heimposed upon California a constitution that was aconfection of sin in a diction of solecisms. Thesimilarity between the words "sandlotter" and"sansculotte" is problematically significant, butindubitably suggestive.

SAFETY−CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device actingautomatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, orcage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus.

Once I seen a human ruinIn an elevator−well,And his members was bestrewin'All the place where he had fell.And I says, apostrophisin'That uncommon woful wreck:"Your position's so surprisin'That I tremble for your neck!"Then that ruin, smilin' sadlyAnd impressive, up and spoke:"Well, I wouldn't tremble badly,For it's been a fortnight broke."Then, for further comprehensionOf his attitude, he begsI will focus my attentionOn his various arms and legs −How they all are contumacious;Where they each, respective, lie;How one trotter proves ungracious,T'other one an alibi.These particulars is mentionedFor to show his dismal state,Which I wasn't first intentionedTo specifical relate.None is worser to be dreaded


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That I ever have heard tellThan the gent's who there wasspreadedIn that elevator−well.Now this tale is allegoric −It is figurative all,For the well is metaphoricAnd the feller didn't fall.I opine it isn't moralFor a writer−man to cheat,And despise to wear a laurelAs was gotten by deceit.For 'tis Politics intendedBy the elevator, mind,It will boost a person splendidIf his talent is the kind.Col. Bryan had the talent(For the busted man is him)And it shot him up right gallantTill his head begun to swim.Then the rope it broke above himAnd he painful come to earthWhere there's nobody to love himFor his detrimented worth.Though he's livin' none would knowhim,Or at leastwise not as such.Moral of this woful poem:Frequent oil your safety−clutch.Porfer Poog

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. TheDuchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent oldcalumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth hadknown St. Francis de Sales, said, on hearing himcalled saint: "I am delighted to hear that Monsieur deSales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicatethings, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects hewas a perfect gentleman, though a fool."

SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequentlyobserved in popular novels, especially in thosewritten by women and young girls, who give itanother name and think that in introducing it they areoccupying a neglected field of letters and reaping anoverlooked harvest. If they have the misfortune tolive long enough they are tormented with a desire toburn their sheaves.

SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting

fire; later, an anthropomorphous immortal, but still apyrophile. Salamanders are now believed to beextinct, the last one of which we have an accounthaving been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc,who exorcised it with a bucket of holy water.

SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffinwhich being made of a certain kind of carnivorousstone, had the peculiar property of devouring thebody placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modernobsequiographers is commonly a product of thecarpenter's art.

SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes,repented in sashcloth and axes. Being instated as anarchangel, Satan made himself multifariouslyobjectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven.Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head inthought a moment and at last went back. "There isone favor that I should like to ask," said he.

"Name it.""Man, I understand, is about to becreated. He will need laws." "What,wretch! you his appointed adversary,charged from the dawn of eternitywith hatred of his soul − you ask forthe right to make his laws?""Pardon; what I have to ask is that hebe permitted to make them himself."It was so ordered.

SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plateafter he has eaten its contents, madam.

SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary compositionin which the vices and follies of the author's enemieswere expounded with imperfect tenderness. In thiscountry satire never had more than a sickly anduncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, whereinwe are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistakefor it, like all humor, being tolerant and sympathetic.Moreover, although Americans are "endowed by theirCreator" with abundant vice and folly, it is notgenerally known that these are reprehensiblequalities, wherefore the satirist is popularly regardedas a soul−spirited knave, and his ever victim's outcryfor codefendants evokes a national assent.

Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung


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In the dead language of a mummy'stongue,For thou thyself art dead, anddamned as well − Thy spirit (usefullyemployed) in Hell.Had it been such as consecrates theBibleThou hadst not perished by the law oflibel.Barney Stims

SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecianmythology accorded recognition in the Hebrew.(Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at first a member ofthe dissolute community acknowledging a looseallegiance with Dionysius, but underwent manytransformations and improvements. Not infrequentlyhe is confounded with the faun, a later and decentercreation of the Romans, who was less like a man andmore like a goat.

SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization andenlightenment. A people with no sauces has onethousand vices; a people with one sauce has only ninehundred and ninety−nine. For every sauce inventedand accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.

SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb.(Figurative and colloquial.) So called because itmakes its way into a wooden head. Following areexamples of old saws fitted with new teeth.

A penny saved is a penny to squander.A man is known by the company thathe organizes. A bad workmanquarrels with the man who calls himthat.A bird in the hand is worth what itwill bring.Better late than before anybody hasinvited you.Example is better than following it.Half a loaf is better than a whole oneif there is much else.Think twice before you speak to afriend in need.What is worth doing is worth thetrouble of asking somebody to do it.Least said is soonest disavowed.He laughs best who laughs least.

Speak of the Devil and he will hearabout it.Of two evils choose to be the least.Strike while your employer has a bigcontract.Where there's a will there's a won't.

SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancientEgyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble−bug." It wassupposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that Godknew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit ofincubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also havecommended it to the favor of the priesthood, and maysome day assure it an equal reverence amongourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferiorbeetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest.

SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus.

He fell by his own handBeneath the great oak tree. He'dtraveled in a foreign land. He tried tomake her understand The dance that'scalled the Saraband, But he called itScarabee. He had called it so throughan afternoon,And she, the light of his harem if somight be, Had smiled and saidnaught. O the body was fair to see,All frosted there in the shine o' themoon − Dead for a ScarabeeAnd a recollection that came too late.O Fate!They buried him where he lay, Hesleeps awaiting the Day, In state,And two Possible Puns, moon−eyedand wan,Gloom over the grave and then moveon.Dead for a Scarabee!Fernando Tapple

SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practisedby the mediaeval pious. The rite was performed,sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot iron,but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if thepenitent spared himself no pain nor harmlessdisfigurement. Scarification, with other crudepenances, has now been superseded by benefaction.The founding of a library or endowment of a


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university is said to yield to the penitent a sharper andmore lasting pain than is conferred by the knife oriron, and is therefore a surer means of grace. Thereare, however, two grave objections to it as apenitential method: the good that it does and the taintof justice.

SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign andsymbol of his authority. It was originally a mace withwhich the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoedministerial measures by breaking the bones of theirproponents.

SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceedingkeenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientalsattain a surprising proficiency, as the incident hererelated will serve to show. The account is translatedfrom the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer ofthe thirteenth century.

When the great Gichi−Kuktai wasMikado he condemned todecapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer ofthe Court. Soon after the hourappointed for performance of the ritewhat was his Majesty's surprise tosee calmly approaching the thronethe man who should have been at thattime ten minutes dead! "Seventeenhundred impossible dragons!"shouted the enraged monarch. "Did Inot sentence you to stand in themarket−place and have your headstruck off by the public executionerat three o'clock? And is it not now3:10?""Son of a thousand illustriousdeities," answered the condemnedminister, "all that you say is so truethat the truth is a lie in comparison.But your heavenly Majesty's sunnyand vitalizing wishes have beenpestilently disregarded. With joy Iran and placed my unworthy body inthe market−place. The executionerappeared with his bare scimetar,ostentatiously whirled it in air, andthen, tapping me lightly upon theneck, strode away, pelted by thepopulace, with whom I was ever a

favorite. I am come to pray forjustice upon his own dishonorableand treasonous head.""To what regiment of executionersdoes the black−boweled caitiffbelong?" asked the Mikado."To the gallant Ninety−eightHundred and Thirty−seventh − Iknow the man. His name isSakko−Samshi.""Let him be brought before me," saidthe Mikado to an attendant, and ahalf−hour later the culprit stood inthe Presence."Thou bastard son of a three−leggedhunchback without thumbs!" roaredthe sovereign − "why didst thou butlightly tap the neck that it shouldhave been thy pleasure to sever?""Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms,"replied the executioner, unmoved,"command him to blow his nose withhis fingers." Being commanded, JijijiRi laid hold of his nose andtrumpeted like an elephant, allexpecting to see the severed headflung violently from him. Nothingoccurred: the performance prosperedpeacefully to the close, withoutincident. All eyes were now turnedon the executioner, who had grownas white as the snows on the summitof Fujiama. His legs trembled and hisbreath came in gasps of terror."Several kinds of spike−tailed brasslions!" he cried; "I am a ruined anddisgraced swordsman! I struck thevillain feebly because in flourishingthe scimetar I had accidentally passedit through my own neck! Father ofthe Moon, I resign my office." Sosaying, he gasped his top−knot, liftedoff his head, and advancing to thethrone laid it humbly at the Mikado'sfeet.

SCRAP−BOOK, n. A book that is commonly editedby a fool. Many persons of some small distinctioncompile scrap−books containing whatever theyhappen to read about themselves or employ others to


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collect. One of these egotists was addressed in thelines following, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters:

Dear Frank, that scrap−book whereyou boast You keep a record trueOf every kind of peppered roastThat's made of you;Wherein you paste the printed gibesThat revel round your name,Thinking the laughter of the scribesAttests your fame;Where all the pictures you arrangeThat comic pencils trace −Your funny figure and your strangeSemitic face −Pray lend it me. Wit I have not,Nor art, but there I'll listThe daily drubbings you'd have gotHad God a fist.

SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose viewsare antagonistic to one's own.

SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holyreligion, as distinguished from the false and profanewritings on which all other faiths are based.

SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds ofdocuments to attest their authenticity and authority.Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, and attached tothe paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, inthis sense, is a survival of an ancient custom ofinscribing important papers with cabalistic words orsigns to give them a magical efficacy independent ofthe authority that they represent. In the Britishmuseum are preserved many ancient papers, mostlyof a sacerdotal character, validated by necromanticpentagrams and other devices, frequently initialletters of words to conjure with; and in manyinstances these are attached in the same way that sealsare appended now. As nearly every reasonless andapparently meaningless custom, rite or observance ofmodern times had origin in some remote utility, it ispleasing to note an example of ancient nonsenseevolving in the process of ages into something reallyuseful. Our word "sincere" is derived from sine cero,without wax, but the learned are not in agreement asto whether this refers to the absence of the cabalisticsigns, or to that of the wax with which letters wereformerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view ofthe matter will serve one in immediate need of an

hypothesis. The initials L.S., commonly appended tosignatures of legal documents, mean locum sigillis,the place of the seal, although the seal is no longerused − an admirable example of conservatismdistinguishing Man from the beasts that perish. Thewords locum sigillis are humbly suggested as asuitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever theyshall take their place as a sovereign State of theAmerican Union.

SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntarychange of environment. For fish it is made strong andcoarse, but women are more easily taken with asingularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cutstones.

The devil casting a seine of lace,(With precious stones 'twas weighted)Drew it into the landing placeAnd its contents calculated.All souls of women were in that sack−A draft miraculous, precious!But ere he could throw it across hisbackThey'd all escaped through themeshes.Baruch de Loppis

SELF−ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement.

SELF−EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and tonobody else.

SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for theselfishness of others.

SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen chargedwith high duties and misdemeanors.

SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that isnot true, creeping through several issues of anewspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to eachinstallment is a "synposis of preceding chapters" forthose who have not read them, but a direr need is asynposis of succeeding chapters for those who do notintend to read them. A synposis of the entire workwould be still better. The late James F. Bowman waswriting a serial tale for a weekly paper incollaboration with a genius whose name has not come


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down to us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately,Bowman supplying the installment for one week, hisfriend for the next, and so on, world without end, theyhoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and oneMonday morning when Bowman read the paper toprepare himself for his task, he found his work cut outfor him in a way to surprise and pain him. Hiscollaborator had embarked every character of thenarrative on a ship and sunk them all in the deepestpart of the Atlantic.

SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands inseveralty, i.e., lands held individually, not in jointownership. Certain tribes of Indians are believed nowto be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty thelands that they have hitherto held as tribalorganizations, and could not sell to the Whites forwaxen beads and potato whiskey.

Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuitedmindSaw death before, hell and the gravebehind; Whom thrifty settler ne'erbesought to stay − His smallbelongings their appointed prey;Whom Dispossession, with alluringwile,Persuaded elsewhere every littlewhile!His fire unquenched and his undyingwormBy "land in severalty" (charmingterm!)Are cooled and killed, respectively,at last, And he to his new holdinganchored fast!

SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive officeof a country, whose most characteristic duties, insome of the Western and Southern States, are thecatching and hanging of rogues.

John Elmer Pettibone Cajee(I write of him with little glee)Was just as bad as he could be.'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon!The sun has never looked uponSo bad a man as Neighbor John."A sinner through and through, he hadThis added fault: it made him mad

To know another man was bad.In such a case he thought it rightTo rise at any hour of nightAnd quench that wicked person'slight.Despite the town's entreaties, heWould hale him to the nearest treeAnd leave him swinging wide andfree.Or sometimes, if the humor came,A luckless wight's reluctant frameWas given to the cheerful flame.While it was turning nice and brown,All unconcerned John met the frownOf that austere and righteous town."How sad," his neighbors said, "thatheSo scornful of the law should be −An anar c, h, i, s, t."(That is the way that they preferredTo utter the abhorrent word,So strong the aversion that it stirred.)"Resolved," they said, continuing,"That Badman John must cease thisthingOf having his unlawful fling."Now, by these sacred relics" − hereEach man had out a souvenirGot at a lynching yesteryear −"By these we swear he shall forsakeHis ways, nor cause our hearts to acheBy sins of rope and torch and stake."We'll tie his red right hand untilHe'll have small freedom to fulfilThe mandates of his lawless will."So, in convention then and there,They named him Sheriff. The affairWas opened, it is said, with prayer.J. Milton Sloluck

SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famousfor a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life onthe ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendidpromise, dissembled purpose and disappointingperformance.

SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (Pignoramusintolerabilis) with an audible memory. The speech ofone who utters with his tongue what he thinks withhis ear, and feels the pride of a creator in


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accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (underProvidence) of setting up as a wit without a capital ofsense.

SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part,a remain. The word is used variously, but in thefollowing verse on a noted female reformer whoopposed bicycle−riding by women because it "ledthem to the devil" it is seen at its best:

The wheels go round without a sound−The maidens hold high revel;In sinful mood, insanely gay,True spinsters spin adown the wayFrom duty to the devil!They laugh, they sing, and −ting−a−ling! Their bells go all themorning;Their lanterns bright bestar the nightPedestrians a−warning.With lifted hands Miss Charlottestands,Good−Lording and O−mying,Her rheumatism forgotten quite,Her fat with anger frying.She blocks the path that leads towrath,Jack Satan's power defying.The wheels go round without a soundThe lights burn red and blue andgreen. What's this that's found uponthe ground?Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen!John William Yope

SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of anopponent, distinguished from one's own by superiorinsincerity and fooling. This method is that of thelater Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers whobegan by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, artand, in brief, whatever men ought to know, but lostthemselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of words.

His bad opponent's "facts" he sweepsaway, And drags his sophistry tolight of day;Then swears they're pushed tomadness who resort To falsehood ofso desperate a sort.

Not so; like sods upon a dead man'sbreast, He lies most lightly who theleast is pressed.Polydore Smith

SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunnerof political influence. It was, however, deemed lessrespectable and sometimes was punished by tortureand death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poorpeasant who had been accused of sorcery was put tothe torture to compel a confession. After enduring afew gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admittedhis guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it werenot possible to be a sorcerer without knowing it.

SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which therehath been brave disputation. Plato held that thosesouls which in a previous state of existence(antedating Athens) had obtained the clearestglimpses of eternal truth entered into the bodies ofpersons who became philosophers. Plato himself wasa philosopher. The souls that had least contemplateddivine truth animated the bodies of usurpers anddespots. Dionysius I, who had threatened todecapitate the broad− browed philosopher, was ausurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was not thefirst to construct a system of philosophy that could bequoted against his enemies; certainly he was not thelast. "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith therenowned author of Diversiones Sanctorum, "therehath been hardly more argument than that of its placein the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath herseat in the abdomen − in which faith we may discernand interpret a truth hitherto unintelligible, namelythat the glutton is of all men most devout. He is saidin the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' − why,then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deitywith him to freshen his faith? Who so well as he canknow the might and majesty that he shrines? Trulyand soberly, the soul and the stomach are one DivineEntity; and such was the belief of Promasius, whonevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He hadobserved that its visible and material substance failedand decayed with the rest of the body after death, butof its immaterial essence he knew nothing. This iswhat we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreckand reek of mortality, to be rewarded or punished inanother world, according to what it hath demanded inthe flesh. The Appetite whose coarse clamoring wasfor the unwholesome viands of the general market


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and the public refectory shall be cast into eternalfamine, whilst that which firmly through civillyinsisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, anchovies,pates de foie gras and all such Christian comestiblesshall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of themforever and ever, and wreak its divine thirst upon theimmortal parts of the rarest and richest wines everquaffed here below. Such is my religious faith,though I grieve to confess that neither His Holinessthe Pope nor His Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury(whom I equally and profoundly revere) will assent toits dissemination."

SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concernsitself with supernatural phenomena, especially in thedoings of spooks. One of the most illustriousspookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, whointroduces a well−credentialed reader to asrespectable and mannerly a company of spooks asone could wish to meet. To the terror that invests thechairman of a district school board, the Howells ghostadds something of the mystery enveloping a farmerfrom another township.

STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truthof the stories here following has, however, not beensuccessfully impeached.

One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, ofNew York, found himself seated atdinner alongside Mr. PercivalPollard, the distinguished critic. "Mr.Pollard," said he, "my book, TheBiography of a Dead Cow, ispublished anonymously, but you canhardly be ignorant of its authorship.Yet in reviewing it you speak of it asthe work of the Idiot of the Century.Do you think that fair criticism?" "Iam very sorry, sir," replied the critic,amiably, "but it did not occur to methat you really might not wish thepublic to know who wrote it."Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to livein San Jose, California, was addictedto writing ghost stories which madethe reader feel as if a stream oflizards, fresh from the ice, werestreaking it up his back and hiding inhis hair. San Jose was at that time

believed to be haunted by the visiblespirit of a noted bandit namedVasquez, who had been hanged there.The town was not very well lighted,and it is putting it mildly to say thatSan Jose was reluctant to be out o'nights. One particularly dark nighttwo gentlemen were abroad in theloneliest spot within the city limits,talking loudly to keep up theircourage, when they came upon Mr.J.J. Owen, a well−known journalist."Why, Owen," said one, "what bringsyou here on such a night as this? Youtold me that this is one of Vasquez'favorite haunts! And you are abeliever. Aren't you afraid to be out?""My dear fellow," the journalistreplied with a drear autumnalcadence in his speech, like the moanof a leaf−laden wind, "I am afraid tobe in. I have one of Will Morrow'sstories in my pocket and I don't dareto go where there is light enough toread it." Rear−Admiral Schley andRepresentative Charles F. Joy werestanding near the Peace Monument,in Washington, discussing thequestion, Is success a failure? Mr.Joy suddenly broke off in the middleof an eloquent sentence, exclaiming:"Hello! I've heard that band before.Santlemann's, I think.""I don't hear any band," said Schley."Come to think, I don't either," saidJoy; "but I see General Miles comingdown the avenue, and that pageantalways affects me in the same way asa brass band. One has to scrutinizeone's impressions pretty closely, orone will mistake their origin."While the Admiral was digesting thishasty meal of philosophy GeneralMiles passed in review, a spectacle ofimpressive dignity. When the tail ofthe seeming procession had passedand the two observers had recoveredfrom the transient blindness causedby its effulgence −"He seems to be enjoying himself,"


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said the Admiral. "There is nothing,"assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that heenjoys one−half so well."The illustrious statesman, ChampClark, once lived about a mile fromthe village of Jebigue, in Missouri.One day he rode into town on afavorite mule, and, hitching the beaston the sunny side of a street, in frontof a saloon, he went inside in hischaracter of teetotaler, to apprise thebarkeeper that wine is a mocker. Itwas a dreadfully hot day. Pretty soona neighbor came in and seeing Clark,said:"Champ, it is not right to leave thatmule out there in the sun. He'll roast,sure! − he was smoking as I passedhim.""O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly;"he's an inveterate smoker."The neighbor took a lemonade, butshook his head and repeated that itwas not right.He was a conspirator. There had beena fire the night before: a stable justaround the corner had burned and anumber of horses had put on theirimmortality, among them a youngcolt, which was roasted to a richnut−brown. Some of the boys hadturned Mr. Clark's mule loose andsubstituted the mortal part of the colt.Presently another man entered thesaloon."For mercy's sake!" he said, taking itwith sugar, "do remove that mule,barkeeper: it smells.""Yes," interposed Clark, "that animalhas the best nose in Missouri. But ifhe doesn't mind, you shouldn't."In the course of human events Mr.Clark went out, and there, apparently,lay the incinerated and shrunkenremains of his charger. The boys iddnot have any fun out of Mr. Clarke,who looked at the body and, with thenon−committal expression to whichhe owes so much of his politicalpreferment, went away. But walking

home late that night he saw his mulestanding silent and solemn by thewayside in the misty moonlight.Mentioning the name of HelenBlazes with uncommon emphasis,Mr. Clark took the back track as hardas ever he could hook it, and passedthe night in town.General H.H. Wotherspoon,president of the Army War College,has a pet rib−nosed baboon, ananimal of uncommon intelligence butimperfectly beautiful. Returning tohis apartment one evening, theGeneral was surprised and pained tofind Adam (for so the creature isnamed, the general being aDarwinian) sitting up for him andwearing his master's best uniformcoat, epaulettes and all. "Youconfounded remote ancestor!"thundered the great strategist, "whatdo you mean by being out of bedafter naps? − and with my coat on!"Adam rose and with a reproachfullook got down on all fours in themanner of his kind and, scufflingacross the room to a table, returnedwith a visiting−card: General Barryhad called and, judging by an emptychampagne bottle and severalcigar−stumps, had been hospitablyentertained while waiting. Thegeneral apologized to his faithfulprogenitor and retired. The next dayhe met General Barry, who said:"Spoon, old man, when leaving youlast evening I forgot to ask you aboutthose excellent cigars. Where did youget them?" General Wotherspoon didnot deign to reply, but walked away."Pardon me, please," said Barry,moving after him; "I was joking ofcourse. Why, I knew it was not youbefore I had been in the room fifteenminutes."

SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin againstone's fellows. In literature, and particularly in poetry,the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and


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are admirably set forth in the following lines by thereverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for somemysterious reason, "John A. Joyce."

The bard who would prosper mustcarry a book, Do his thinking inprose and wearA crimson cravat, a far−away lookAnd a head of hexameter hair.Be thin in your thought and yourbody'll be fat; If you wear your hairlong you needn't your hat.

SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of aballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be botha privilege and a duty) means, as commonlyinterpreted, the right to vote for the man of anotherman's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do sohas the bad name of "incivism." The incivilian,however, cannot be properly arraigned for his crime,for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser ishimself guilty he has no standing in the court ofopinion; if not, he profits by the crime, for A'sabstention from voting gives greater weight to thevote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of awoman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based onfemale responsibility, which is somewhat limited.The woman most eager to jump out of her petticoat toassert her rights is first to jump back into it whenthreatened with a switching for misusing them.

SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness onhis belly so that he may not be commanded to turnand be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.

As the lean leech, its victim found, ispleased To fix itself upon a partdiseasedTill, its black hide distended with badblood, It drops to die of surfeit in themud,So the base sycophant with joydescriesHis neighbor's weak spot and hismouth applies, Gorges and prosperslike the leech, although, Unlike thatreptile, he will not let go.Gelasma, if it paid you to devoteYour talent to the service of a goat,Showing by forceful logic that itsbeard

Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered;If to the task of honoring its smellProfit had prompted you, and love aswell, The world would benefit at lastby youAnd wealthy malefactors weep anew−Your favor for a moment's spacedeniedAnd to the nobler object turned aside.Is't not enough that thriftymillionairesWho loot in freight and spoliate infares, Or, cursed with consciencesthat bid them fly To safer villainiesof darker dye,Forswearing robbery and fain,instead,To steal (they call it "cornering") ourbread May see you groveling theirboots to lickAnd begging for the favor of a kick?Still must you follow to the bitter endYour sycophantic disposition's trend,And in your eagerness to please therichHunt hungry sinners to their finalditch?In Morgan's praise you smite thesounding wire, And sing hosannas togreat Havemeyher!What's Satan done that him youshould eschew? He too is reekingrich − deducting you.

SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of amajor and a minor assumption and an inconsequent.(See LOGIC.)

SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being thatinhabited the air when the air was an element andbefore it was fatally polluted with factory smoke,sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphswere allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders,which dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and fire, allnow insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of the air, weremale and female, to no purpose, apparently, for ifthey had progeny they must have nested in accessibleplaces, none of the chicks having ever been seen.


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SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify orstand for something else. Many symbols are mere"survivals" − things which having no longer anyutility continue to exist because we have inherited thetendency to make them; as funereal urns carved onmemorial monuments. They were once real urnsholding the ashes of the dead. We cannot stop makingthem, but we can give them a name that conceals ourhelplessness.

SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the useand interpretation of symbols.

They say 'tis conscience feelscompunction; I hold that that's thestomach's function, For of the sinnerI have notedThat when he's sinned he's somewhatbloated, Or ill some other ghastlyfashionWithin that bowel of compassion.True, I believe the only sinnerIs he that eats a shabby dinner.You know how Adam with goodreason,For eating apples out of season,Was "cursed." But that is allsymbolic:The truth is, Adam had the colic.G.J.

T

T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was bythe Greeks absurdly called tau. In the alphabetwhence ours comes it had the form of the rudecorkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone(which was more than the Phoenicians could alwaysdo) signified Tallegal, translated by the learned Dr.Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."

TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concessionto the universal passion for irresponsibility.

Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,Took Madam P. to table,And there deliriously fedAs fast as he was able."I dote upon good grub," he cried,

Intent upon its throatage."Ah, yes," said the neglected bride,"You're in your table d'hotage."Associated Poets

TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that hastranscended its natural limitations to set up anindependent existence in a world of its own.Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, aprivation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasyconsciousness by the coat−skirt of the male and thetrain of the female, and by a marked tendency toornament that part of his attire where the tail shouldbe, and indubitably once was. This tendency is mostobservable in the female of the species, in whom theancestral sense is strong and persistent. The tailedmen described by Lord Monboddo are now generallyregarded as a product of an imagination unusuallysusceptible to influences generated in the golden ageof our pithecan past.

TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force butpreferably by stealth.

TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion withouttemptation, from an impulse without purpose.

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed toprotect the domestic producer against the greed of hisconsumer.

The Enemy of Human SoulsSat grieving at the cost of coals;For Hell had been annexed of late,And was a sovereign Southern State."It were no more than right," said he,"That I should get my fuel free.The duty, neither just nor wise,Compels me to economize −Whereby my broilers, every one,Are execrably underdone.What would they have? − although IyearnTo do them nicely to a turn,I can't afford an honest heat.This tariff makes even devils cheat!I'm ruined, and my humble tradeAll rascals may at will invade:Beneath my nose the public pressOutdoes me in sulphureousness;


96 T

The bar ingeniously appliesTo my undoing my own lies;My medicines the doctors use(Albeit vainly) to refuseTo me my fair and rightful preyAnd keep their own in shape to pay;The preachers by example teachWhat, scorning to perform, I teach;And statesmen, aping me, all makeMore promises than they can break.Against such competition ILift up a disregarded cry.Since all ignore my just complaint,By Hokey−Pokey! I'll turn saint!"Now, the Republicans, who allAre saints, began at once to bawlAgainst his competition; soThere was a devil of a go!They locked horns with him,tete−a−teteIn acrimonious debate,Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,Had hopes of coming by their own.That evil to avert, in hasteThe two belligerents embraced;But since 'twere wicked to relaxA tittle of the Sacred Tax,'Twas finally agreed to grantThe bold Insurgent−protestantA bounty on each soul that fellInto his ineffectual Hell.Edam Smith

TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a mannamed Home was tried for slander in having accusedhis neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "SirThomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken hiscook upon the head, so that one side of the head fellupon one shoulder and the other side upon the othershoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instructionof the court, the learned judges holding that the wordsdid not charge murder, for they did not affirm thedeath of the cook, that being only an inference.

TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one thatis bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word havebeen affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Japesays that it comes from a very obvious source − thefirst words of the ancient Latin hymn Te DeumLaudamus. In this apparently natural derivation there

is something that saddens.

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strongdrink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil whichabrogates some of the advantages of making adisagreeable person keep his distance.

TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to theeye similar to that of the telephone to the ear,enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitudeof needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with abell summoning us to the sacrifice.

TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human handin its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains itshighest development in the hand of authority and isconsidered a serviceable equipment for a career inpolitics. The following illustrative lines were writtenof a Californian gentleman in high politicalpreferment, who has passed to his accounting:

Of such tenacity his gripThat nothing from his hand can slip.Well−buttered eels you mayo'erwhelmIn tubs of liquid slippery−elmIn vain − from his detaining pinchThey cannot struggle half an inch!'Tis lucky that he so is plannedThat breath he draws not with hishand,For if he did, so great his greedHe'd draw his last with eager speed.Nay, that were well, you say. Not soHe'd draw but never let it go!

THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all thecertitude of religion and all the mystery of science.The modern Theosophist holds, with the Buddhists,that we live an incalculable number of times on thisearth, in as many several bodies, because one life isnot long enough for our complete spiritualdevelopment; that is, a single lifetime does not sufficefor us to become as wise and good as we choose towish to become. To be absolutely wise and good −that is perfection; and the Theosophist is sokeen−sighted as to have observed that everythingdesirous of improvement eventually attains


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perfection. Less competent observers are disposed toexcept cats, which seem neither wiser nor better thanthey were last year. The greatest and fattest of recentTheosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, whohad no cat.

TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed toreinforce the general acclamation of the press agentwith a particular publicity. Public attention was oncesomewhat diverted from this garment to Miss LillianRussell's refusal to wear it, and many were theconjectures as to her motive, the guess of MissPauline Hall showing a high order of ingenuity andsustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief thatnature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautifullegs. This theory was impossible of acceptance by themale understanding, but the conception of a faultyfemale leg was of so prodigious originality as to rankamong the most brilliant feats of philosophicalspeculation! It is strange that in all the controversyregarding Miss Russell's aversion to tights no oneseems to have thought to ascribe it to what wasknown among the ancients as "modesty." The natureof that sentiment is now imperfectly understood, andpossibly incapable of exposition with the vocabularythat remains to us. The study of lost arts has,however, been recently revived and some of the artsthemselves recovered. This is an epoch ofrenaissances, and there is ground for hope that theprimitive "blush" may be dragged from itshiding−place amongst the tombs of antiquity andhissed on to the stage.

TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs arenow by common consent invested with a certainsanctity, but when they have been long tenanted it isconsidered no sin to break them open and rifle them,the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explainingthat a tomb may be innocently "glened" as soon as itsoccupant is done "smellynge," the soul being then allexhaled. This reasonable view is now generallyaccepted by archaeologists, whereby the noblescience of Curiosity has been greatly dignified.

TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush,bib, or swig. In the individual, toping is regarded withdisesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront ofcivilization and power. When pitted against thehard−drinking Christians the absemious Mahometansgo down like grass before the scythe. In India

one hundred thousand beef− eating andbrandy−and−soda guzzling Britons hold in subjectiontwo hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers ofthe same Aryan race. With what an easy grace thewhisky−loving American pushed the temperateSpaniard out of his possessions! From the time whenthe Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of westernEurope and lay drunk in every conquered port it hasbeen the same way: everywhere the nations that drinktoo much are observed to fight rather well and not toorighteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies whoabolished the canteen from the American army mayjustly boast of having materially augmented thenation's military power.

TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created tosupply occasion for the following lines by theillustrious Ambat Delaso:

TO MY PET TORTOISEMy friend, you are not graceful − notat all; Your gait's between a staggerand a sprawl.Nor are you beautiful: your head's asnake's To look at, and I do not doubtit aches.As to your feet, they'd make an angelweep. 'Tis true you take them inwhene'er you sleep.No, you're not pretty, but you have, Iown, A certain firmness − mostlyyou're [sic] backbone.Firmness and strength (you have agiant's thews) Are virtues that thegreat know how to use −I wish that they did not; yet, on thewhole, You lack − excuse mymentioning it − Soul.So, to be candid, unreserved and true,I'd rather you were I than I were you.Perhaps, however, in a time to be,When Man's extinct, a better worldmay seeYour progeny in power and control,Due to the genesis and growth ofSoul.So I salute you as a reptile grandPredestined to regenerate the land.Father of Possibilities, O deignTo accept the homage of a dying


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reign!In the far region of the unforeknownI dream a tortoise upon every throne.I see an Emperor his head withdrawInto his carapace for fear of Law;A King who carries something elsethan fat, Howe'er acceptably hecarries that;A President not strenuously bentOn punishment of audible dissent −Who never shot (it were a vain attack)An armed or unarmed tortoise in theback;Subject and citizens that feel no needTo make the March of Mind a wildstampede;All progress slow, contemplative,sedate,And "Take your time" the word, inChurch and State.O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,My glorious testudinous regime!I wish in Eden you'd brought thisaboutBy slouching in and chasing Adamout.

TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serveas a penal apparatus, though through a miscarriage ofjustice most trees bear only a negligible fruit, or noneat all. When naturally fruited, the tree is a beneficientagency of civilization and an important factor inpublic morals. In the stern West and the sensitiveSouth its fruit (white and black respectively) thoughnot eaten, is agreeable to the public taste and, thoughnot exported, profitable to the general welfare. Thatthe legitimate relation of the tree to justice was nodiscovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded itno primacy over the lamp−post and thebridge−girder) is made plain by the following passagefrom Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries:

TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove andput upon record the blameless characters of judges,advocates and jurors. In order to effect this purpose itis necessary to supply a contrast in the person of onewho is called the defendant, the prisoner, or theaccused. If the contrast is made sufficiently clear thisperson is made to undergo such an affliction as willgive the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable sense of

their immunity, added to that of their worth. In ourday the accused is usually a human being, or asocialist, but in mediaeval times, animals, fishes,reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beast thathad taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was dulyarrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by thepublic executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields,orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counselbefore a civil tribunal, and after testimony, argumentand condemnation, if they continued incontumaciam the matter was taken to a highecclesiastical court, where they were solemnlyexcommunicated and anathematized. In a street ofToledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between theviceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on awarrant, tried and punished. In Naples and ass wascondemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentenceappears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relatesfrom the court records many trials of pigs, bulls,horses, cocks, dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed,to the betterment of their conduct and morals. In 1451a suit was brought against the leeches infesting someponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne,instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University,directed that some of "the aquatic worms" be broughtbefore the local magistracy. This was done and theleeches, both present and absent, were ordered toleave the places that they had infested within threedays on pain of incurring "the malediction of God." Inthe voluminous records of this cause celebre nothingis found to show whether the offenders braved thepunishment, or departed forthwith out of thatinhospitable jurisdiction.

TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents ofporcophagy. Moses Mendlessohn having fallen illsent for a Christian physician, who at once diagnosedthe philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfullygave it another name. "You need and immediatechange of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces ofpork every other day."

"Pork?" shrieked the patient − "pork?Nothing shall induce me to touch it!""Do you mean that?" the doctorgravely asked. "I swear it!""Good! − then I will undertake tocure you."

TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain


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Christian churches, three entirely distinct deities

consistent with only one. Subordinate deities of thepolytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are notdowered with the power of combination, and musturge individually their clames to adoration andpropitiation. The Trinity is one of the most sublimemysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it becauseit is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray theirinadequate sense of theological fundamentals. Inreligion we believe only what we do not understand,except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine thatcontradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case webelieve the former as a part of the latter.

TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave−dweller ofthe paleolithic period, after the Tree and before theFlat. A famous community of troglodytes dwelt withDavid in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consistedof "every one that was in distress, and every one thatwas in debt, and every one that was discontented" −in brief, all the Socialists of Judah.

TRUCE, n. Friendship.

TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirabilityand appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purposeof philosophy, which is the most ancient occupationof the human mind and has a fair prospect of existingwith increasing activity to the end of time.

TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporationcomposed in greater part of thrifty working men,widows of small means, orphans in the care ofguardians and the courts, with many similarmalefactors and public enemies.

TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten oncertain religious anniversaries has the peculiarproperty of attesting piety and gratitude. Incidentally,it is pretty good eating.

TWICE, adv. Once too often.

TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected ofdestroying civilization and enlightenment, despitetheir obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.

TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect

(Glossina morsitans) whose bite is commonlyregarded as nature's most efficacious remedy forinsomnia, though some patients prefer that of theAmerican novelist (Mendax interminabilis).

U

UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in allplaces at one time, but not in all places at all times,which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and theluminiferous ether only. This important distinctionbetween ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear tothe mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshedabout it. Certain Lutherans, who affirmed thepresence everywhere of Christ's body were known asUbiquitarians. For this error they were doubtlessdamned, for Christ's body is present only in theeucharist, though that sacrament may be performed inmore than one place simultaneously. In recent timesubiquity has not always been understood − not evenby Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that aman cannot be in two places at once unless he is abird.

UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women,entailing virtue without humility.

ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demandbefore resorting to concessions.

Having received an ultimatum fromAustria, the Turkish Ministry met toconsider it."O servant of the Prophet," said theSheik of the Imperial Chibouk to theMamoosh of the Invincible Army,"how many unconquerable soldiershave we in arms?""Upholder of the Faith," thatdignitary replied after examining hismemoranda, "they are in numbers asthe leaves of the forest!" "And howmany impenetrable battleships striketerror to the hearts of all Christianswine?" he asked the Imaum of theEver Victorious Navy."Uncle of the Full Moon," was thereply, "deign to know that they are asthe waves of the ocean, the sands ofthe desert and the stars of Heaven!"


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For eight hours the broad brow of the

Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk wascorrugated with evidences of deepthought: he was calculating thechances of war. Then, "Sons ofangels," he said, "the die is cast! Ishall suggest to the Ulema of theImperial Ear that he advise inaction.In the name of Allah, the council isadjourned."

UN−AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable,heathenish.

UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite ofextreme unction consists in touching with oilconsecrated by a bishop several parts of the body ofone engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after therite had been administered to a certain wickedEnglish nobleman it was discovered that the oil hadnot been properly consecrated and no other could beobtained. When informed of this the sick man said inanger: "Then I'll be damned if I die!"

"My son," said the priest, "this iswhat we fear."

UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion thatenables one having it to know a house from a horseby the roof on the house. Its nature and laws havebeen exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode ahouse, and Kant, who lived in a horse.

His understanding was so keenThat all things which he'd felt, heard,seen, He could interpret without failIf he was in or out of jail.He wrote at Inspiration's callDeep disquisitions on them all,Then, pent at last in an asylum,Performed the service to compile 'em.So great a writer, all men swore,They never had not read before.Jorrock Wormley

UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of aTrinitarian.

UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantageof a Hell for persons of another faith.

URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urbanobservers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but NewYork. Its commonest expression is heard in thewords, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistentwith disregard of the rights of others.

The owner of a powder millWas musing on a distant hill −Something his mind foreboded −When from the cloudless sky therefellA deviled human kidney! Well,The man's mill had exploded.His hat he lifted from his head;"I beg your pardon, sir," he said;"I didn't know 'twas loaded."Swatkin

USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity,the Second and Third being Custom andConventionality. Imbued with a decent reverence forthis Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope toproduce books that will live as long as the fashion.

UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that hasstrayed to one's own wife.

V

VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, dutyand the gambler's hope.

"Why have you halted?" roared thecommander of a division andChickamauga, who had ordered acharge; "move forward, sir, at once.""General," said the commander of thedelinquent brigade, "I am persuadedthat any further display of valor bymy troops will bring them intocollision with the enemy."

VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of thenearest ass.

They say that hens do cackle loudestwhenThere's nothing vital in the eggsthey've laid; And there are hens,


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professing to have made A study ofmankind, who say that menWhose business 'tis to drive thetongue or pen Make the mostclamorous fanfaronadeO'er their most worthless work; andI'm afraid They're not entirelydifferent from the hen. Lo! thedrum−major in his coat of gold,His blazing breeches andhigh−towering cap − Imperiouslypompous, grandly bold,Grim, resolute, an awe−inspiringchap! Who'd think this gorgeouscreature's only virtue Is that in battlehe will never hurt you?Hannibal Hunsiker

VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions.

VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by duncesand all such as suffer from an impediment in theirwit.

VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman'spower to make a fool of himself and a wreck of hiscountry.

W

W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet,the only cumbrous name, the names of the othersbeing monosyllabic. This advantage of the Romanalphabet over the Grecian is the more valued afteraudibly spelling out some simple Greek word, likeepixoriambikos. Still, it is now thought by thelearned that other agencies than the difference of thetwo alphabets may have been concerned in thedecline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise of"the grandeur that was Rome." There can be nodoubt, however, that by simplifying the name of W(calling it "wow," for example) our civilization couldbe, if not promoted, at least better endured.

WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devilto rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is abelief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place ofa hope in Heaven. Even the great and good AndrewCarnegie has made his profession of faith in thematter.

Carnegie the dauntless has uttered hiscall To battle: "The brokers areparasites all!" Carnegie, Carnegie,you'll never prevail;Keep the wind of your slogan to bellyyour sail, Go back to your isle ofperpetual brume,Silence your pibroch, doff tartan andplume: Ben Lomond is calling hisson from the fray − Fly, fly from theregion of Wall Street away! Whilestill you're possessed of a singlebaubee (I wish it were pledged toendowment of me) 'Twere wise toretreat from the wars of finance Lestits value decline ere your creditadvance. For a man 'twixt a king offinance and the sea, Carnegie,Carnegie, your tongue is too free!Anonymus Bink

WAR, n. A by−product of the arts of peace. The mostmenacing political condition is a period ofinternational amity. The student of history who hasnot been taught to expect the unexpected may justlyboast himself inaccessible to the light. "In time ofpeace prepare for war" has a deeper meaning than iscommonly discerned; it means, not merely that allthings earthly have an end − that change is the oneimmutable and eternal law − but that the soil of peaceis thickly sown with the seeds of war and singularlysuited to their germination and growth. It was whenKubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure dome"− when, that is to say, there were peace and fatfeasting in Xanadu − that he heard from afarAncestral voices prophesying war. One of the greatestof poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of men, andit was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Letus have a little less of "hands across the sea," and alittle more of that elemental distrust that is thesecurity of nations. War loves to come like a thief inthe night; professions of eternal amity provide thenight.

WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman whoexchanged the privilege of governing himself for theadvantage of good government. In justice to him itshould be said that he did not want to.

They took away his vote and gave


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insteadThe right, when he had earned, toeat his bread. In vain − he clamorsfor his "boss," pour soul, To comeagain and part him from his roll.Offenbach Stutz

WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers ofTyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion overthe male of her species, binding him to the service ofher will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.

WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. Apermanent topic of conversation among personswhom it does not interest, but who have inherited thetendency to chatter about it from naked arborealancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting upofficial weather bureaus and their maintenance inmendacity prove that even governments areaccessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of thejungle.

Once I dipt into the future far ashuman eye could see, And I saw theChief Forecaster, dead as any one canbe − Dead and damned and shut inHades as a liar from his birth, With arecord of unreason seldom paralleledon earth. While I looked he rearedhim solemnly, that incadescentyouth, From the coals that he'dpreferred to the advantages of truth.He cast his eyes about him and abovehim; then he wrote On a slab of thinasbestos what I venture here to quote− For I read it in the rose−light of theeverlasting glow: "Cloudy; variablewinds, with local showers; cooler;snow."Halcyon Jones

WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two personsundertake to become one, one undertakes to becomenothing, and nothing undertakes to becomesupportable.

WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or issometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evildisposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify abeastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery,

are as humane and is consistent with an acquired tastefor human flesh. Some Bavarian peasants havingcaught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tailand went to bed. The next morning nothing wasthere! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the localpriest, who told them that their captive wasundoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its humanfor during the night. "The next time that you take awolf," the good man said, "see that you chain it by theleg, and in the morning you will find a Lutheran."

WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwatongue, disaster; an unexpected affliction that strikeshard.

Should you ask me whence thislaughter,Whence this audible big−smiling,With its labial extension,With its maxillar distortionAnd its diaphragmic rhythmusLike the billowing of an ocean,Like the shaking of a carpet,I should answer, I should tell you:From the great deeps of the spirit,From the unplummeted abysmusOf the soul this laughter wellethAs the fountain, the gug−guggle,Like the river from the canon [sic],To entoken and give warningThat my present mood is sunny.Should you ask me further question −Why the great deeps of the spirit,Why the unplummeted abysmusOf the soule extrudes this laughter,This all audible big−smiling,I should answer, I should tell youWith a white heart, tumpitumpy,With a true tongue, honest Injun:William Bryan, he has Caught It,Caught the Whangdepootenawah!Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank,Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep,Standing silent in the kneedeepWith his wing−tips crossed behindhimAnd his neck close−reefed beforehim,With his bill, his william, buriedIn the down upon his bosom,


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With his head retracted inly,While his shoulders overlook it?Does the sandhill crane, the shankank,Shiver grayly in the north wind,Wishing he had died when little,As the sparrow, the chipchip, does?No 'tis not the Shankank standing,Standing in the gray and dismalMarsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep.No, 'tis peerless William BryanRealizing that he's Caught It,Caught the Whangdepootenawah!

WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably goodwhisky can with some difficulty be made, and whichis used also for bread. The French are said to eat morebread per capita of population than any other people,which is natural, for only they know how to make thestuff palatable.

WHITE, adj. and n. Black.

WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christianworld has agreed to take humorously, althoughChrist's tenderness towards widows was one of themost marked features of his character.

WINE, n. Fermented grape−juice known to theWomen's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as"rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

WIT, n. The salt with which the American humoristspoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman,in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful andattractive young woman, in wickedness a leaguebeyond the devil.

WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usuallyquoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine ispleased to call a "joke."

WOMAN, n.

An animal usually living in thevicinity of Man, and having arudimentary susceptibility todomestication. It is credited by manyof the elder zoologists with a certain

vestigial docility acquired in a formerstate of seclusion, but naturalists ofthe postsusananthony period, havingno knowledge of the seclusion, denythe virtue and declare that such ascreation's dawn beheld, it roarethnow. The species is the most widelydistributed of all beasts of prey,infesting all habitable parts of theglobe, from Greeland's spicymountains to India's moral strand.The popular name (wolfman) isincorrect, for the creature is of the catkind. The woman is lithe andgraceful in its movement, especiallythe American variety (felis pugnans),is omnivorous and can be taught notto talk.Balthasar Pober

WORMS'−MEAT, n. The finished product of whichwe are the raw material. The contents of the TajMahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Granitarium.Worms'−meat is usually outlasted by the structurethat houses it, but "this too must pass away."Probably the silliest work in which a human beingcan engage is construction of a tomb for himself. Thesolemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuatesby contrast the foreknown futility.

Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show!How profitless the labor you bestowUpon a dwelling whose magnificenceThe tenant neither can admire norknow.Build deep, build high, build massiveas you can, The wanton grass−rootswill defeat the plan By shoulderingasunder all the stonesIn what to you would be a moment'sspan.Time to the dead so all unreckonedfliesThat when your marble is all dust,arise,If wakened, stretch your limbs andyawn − You'll think you scarcely canhave closed your eyes.What though of all man's works yourtomb alone Should stand till Time.


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himself be overthrown? Would itadvantage you to dwell thereinForever as a stain upon a stone?Joel Huck

WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to thesound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. Apopular form of abjection, having an element ofpride.

WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree,appropriate to exalted characters and momentousoccasions; as, "the wrath of God," "the day of wrath,"etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings wasdeemed sacred, for it could usually command theagency of some god for its fit manifestation, as couldalso that of a priest. The Greeks before Troy were soharried by Apollo that they jumped out of thefrying−pan of the wrath of Cryses into the fire of thewrath of Achilles, though Agamemnon, the soleoffender, was neither fried nor roasted. A similarnoted immunity was that of David when he incurredthe wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people,seventy thousand of whom paid the penalty with theirlives. God is now Love, and a director of the censusperforms his work without apprehension of disaster

X

X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an addedinvincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers,and like them, will doubtless last as long as thelanguage. X is the sacred symbol of ten dollars, andin such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ,not, as is popular supposed, because it represents across, but because the corresponding letter in theGreek alphabet is the initial of his name − Xristos. Ifit represented a cross it would stand for St. Andrew,who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebraof psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Wordsbeginning with X are Grecian and will not be definedin this standard English dictionary.

Y

YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In theNorthern States of our Union, a New Englander. Inthe Southern States the word is unknown. (SeeDAMNYANK.)

YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty−fivedisappointments.

YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth ofmanhood, the entire past of age.

But yesterday I should have thoughtme blest To stand high−pinnacledupon the peakOf middle life and look adown thebleak And unfamiliar foreslope to theWest,Where solemn shadows all the landinvestAnd stilly voices, half−remembered,speak Unfinished prophecy, andwitch−fires freak The hauntedtwilight of the Dark of Rest.Yea, yesterday my soul was allaflameTo stay the shadow on the dial's faceAt manhood's noonmark! Now, inGod His name I chide aloud the littleinterspaceDisparting me from Certitude, andfainWould know the dream and visionne'er again.Baruch ArnegriffIt is said that in his last illness thepoet Arnegriff was attended atdifferent times by seven doctors.

YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latinname, jugum, we owe one of the most illuminatingwords in our language − a word that defines thematrimonial situation with precision, point andpoignancy. A thousand apologies for withholding it.

YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, whenArchimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has afollowing and seven cities compete for the honor ofendowing a living Homer.

Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, theGolden Age on earth again, whenfigs are grown on thistles, and pigsbetailed with whistles and, wearingsilken bristles, live ever in clover,


X 105

and clows fly over, delivering milk atevery door, and Justice never is heardto snore, and every assassin is made aghost and, howling, is cast intoBaltimost!Polydore Smith

Z

ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays,who imitated with ludicrous incompetence thebuffone, or clown, and was therefore the ape of anape; for the clown himself imitated the seriouscharacters of the play. The zany was progenitor to thespecialist in humor, as we to−day have theunhappiness to know him. In the zany we see anexample of creation; in the humorist, of transmission.Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is thecurate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, whoapes the archbishop, who apes the devil.

ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate ofZanzibar, off the eastern coast of Africa. TheZanzibaris, a warlike people, are best known in thiscountry through a threatening diplomatic incident thatoccurred a few years ago. The American consul at thecapital occupied a dwelling that faced the sea, with asandy beach between. Greatly to the scandal of thisofficial's family, and against repeated remonstrancesof the official himself, the people of the city persistedin using the beach for bathing. One day a womancame down to the edge of the water and was stoopingto remove her attire (a pair of sandals) when theconsul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge ofbird−shot into the most conspicuous part of herperson. Unfortunately for the existing ententecordiale between two great nations, she was theSultana.

ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting theyoung and inexperienced. A passion that goeth beforea sprawl.

When Zeal sought Gratitude for hisrewardHe went away exclaiming: "O myLord!""What do you want?" the Lord asked,bending down. "An ointment for mycracked and bleeding crown."

Jum Coople

ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directlyoverhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. Aman in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not consideredas having a zenith, though from this view of thematter there was once a considerably dissent amongthe learned, some holding that the posture of the bodywas immaterial. These were called Horizontalists,their opponents, Verticalists. The Horizontalist heresywas finally extinguished by Xanobus, thephilosopher−king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist.Entering an assembly of philosophers who weredebating the matter, he cast a severed human head atthe feet of his opponents and asked them to determineits zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by theheels outside. Observing that it was the head of theirleader, the Horizontalists hastened to professthemselves converted to whatever opinion the Crownmight be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took itsplace among fides defuncti.

ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by theRomans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans asGod, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who havetouched upon the shores of America, and one whoprofesses to have penetrated a considerable distanceto the interior, have thought that these four namesstand for as many distinct deities, but in hismonumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumppinsists that the natives are monotheists, each havingno other god than himself, whom he worships undermany sacred names.

ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, fromside to side, as one carrying the white man's burden.(From zed, z, and jag, an Icelandic word of unknownmeaning.)

He zedjagged so uncomen wydeThet non coude pas on eyder syde;So, to com saufly thruh, I beenConstreynet for to doodge betwene.Munwele

ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animalkingdom, including its king, the House Fly (Muscamaledicta). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as isuniversally conceded, but the name of its mother hasnot come down to us. Two of the science's most


106 Z

illustrious expounders were Buffon and OliverGoldsmith, from both of whom we learn (L'Histoiregenerale des animaux and A History of AnimatedNature) that the domestic cow sheds its horn everytwo years.

Biography of Ambrose Bierce (1842−1914?)

Ambrose Bierce was the author of supernatural stories that have secured his place in both the weird tradition and in Americanletters at large. The stories in his two primary volumes, Tales of Soldiers and Civilians (a.k.a., In the Midst of Life, 1892) and CanSuch Things Be? (1893) often added a Western setting to Gothic fiction −− and, more importantly, developed the psychologicalaspects of horror first recognized by Poe.

He is also noted for his tales of the Civil War, which drew on his own experience as a Union cartographer and officer. His first jobin journalism was as editor for the San Francisco News−Letter and California Advertiser (1868−72), writing the entries of the"Town Crier" which constituted the first real newspaper column. Perhaps we can his true love was satire in any form −− whetherghost story or fable, newspaper column or lyrical lambaste, fantasy or pseudo−lexicography.

In time, Bierce established himself a kind of literary dictator of the West Coast and was so respected and feared as a critic that hisjudgement could "make or break" an aspiring author's reputation. Well−known by his mere initials, A.G.B., his enemies anddetractors called him "Almighty God Bierce." He was also nicknamed "Bitter Bierce," and his nihilistic motto was "Nothingmatters." Apart from a few well−anthologized ghost stories (notably, "An Occurence at Owl Creek Bridge"), Bierce is bestremembered for his cynical but humourous Devil's Dictionary.

In 1913, at the age of seventy−one, Bierce disappeared into revolution−torn Mexico to fight alongside the bandit Pancho Villa.Although a popular theory is that Bierce argued with Villa over military strategy and was subsequently shot, he probably perishedin the battle of Ojinaga on January 11, 1914.

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Biography of Ambrose Bierce (1842−1914?) 107

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108 Biography of Ambrose Bierce (1842−1914?)

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Devils Dictionary