Developmental Relational Counseling Applications for Counseling Men

Journal of Counseling & Development January 2014 Volume 92104

Theory

2014 by the American Counseling Association. All rights reserved.

Received 02/28/12Revised 09/20/12

Accepted 09/28/12DOI: 10.1002/j.1556-6676.2014.00136.x

The male experience is framed by context, power, character, personalities, and relationships, which are interwoven in complex ways. Within these contexts, men navigate their professional and personal relationships with varying levels of awareness of their personal qualities and competencies, impact on others, psychological limitations, and interpersonal power and influence. This article applies the Developmental Relational Counseling (DRC) model (Duffey & Haberstroh, 2012) with men. Two de-identified case examples illustrate a counselors work using DRC. Some details have been altered to protect cli-ent anonymity. As men develop the capacity to see others and themselves more clearly, they may become better positioned to participate in and enjoy their important relationships, using feedback, self-reflection, and a balanced self-perception.

DRC is a conceptual model designed to help clients (a) per-ceive themselves and others more accurately, (b) gain awareness of their degree of power and influence, and (c) deepen self- compassion and compassion for others (Duffey & Haberstroh, 2012). DRC is significantly informed by relational-cultural theory (RCT) and influenced by the Enneagram personality typology, cognitive theories, and narrative theories. We provide a review of RCT and a brief summary of how the other theories influenced the development of DRC. These summaries give context to the rationale and structure of DRC and its application with male clients. For a more thorough review of each of these theories, the reader is referred to Jordan (2010), Beck (2011), White and Epston (1990), Daniels and Price (2000), Duffey and Haberstroh (2011), Riso and Hudson (2000), and Palmer (1996).

Men in CounselingAlthough men seek counseling services for myriad reasons, they tend to be less inclined to attend counseling than are

Thelma Duffey and Shane Haberstroh, Department of Counseling, University of Texas at San Antonio. Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Thelma Duffey, Department of Counseling, University of Texas at San Antonio, 501 West Cesar Chavez Boulevard, San Antonio, TX 78207 (e-mail: [email protected]).

Developmental Relational Counseling: Applications for Counseling MenThelma Duffey and Shane Haberstroh

Developmental relational counseling (DRC) is a conceptual model designed to help people gain a deeper awareness of their relational functioning. DRC is informed by relational-cultural theory and influenced by the Enneagram personal-ity typology and cognitive and narrative theories. This article outlines the DRC model in counseling practice with men. Men involved in counseling services may use this approach to expand their personal awareness and promote mutual understanding in their relationships.

Keywords: counseling men, developmental relational counseling, relational-cultural theory, Enneagram personality, creativity in counseling

women (Kakhnovets, 2011; Mahalik, Good, & Englar-Carl-son, 2003). Given that some men are reluctant to seek help when experiencing distress, they are more likely to experience isolation, which may result in greater mortality and lower quality of life (Bonhomme, 2007). Reasons for male help seeking range from personal concerns; relationship issues; family dynamics; career situations; and various developmen-tal, transitional, and, at times, debilitating crises (Mahalik et al., 2003). Although some men enter counseling voluntarily, other men do so in response to partner or family urging, or they are mandated by courts or human resource departments to attend counseling. As men navigate these experiences, many also negotiate relationships with partners, family members, coworkers, and friends (Greif, 2006).

Societal expectations of masculine self-sufficiency can complicate matters for some men (Mahalik et al., 2003), making support seeking and sharing of personal experiences challenging. At the same time, making oneself amenable to support and appropriate self-disclosure is an important as-pect of deepened intimacy and increasing well-being (Uysal, Lin, Knee, & Bush, 2012). Developing these capacities is an important relational skill to explore in the counseling setting.

Counseling work with men is unique in some aspects (Good & Robertson, 2010). Counselors who effectively work with men seek to understand the unique social and cultural factors that influence masculinity (Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005). They work to clearly understand their male clients and their experiences (Good & Robertson, 2010). Counselors also appreciate the strengths of their male clients and the value of many socially sanctioned masculine norms (Kiselica & Englar-Carlson, 2010), while challenging male clients to develop greater relational awareness and consideration of themselves and others (Jordan, 2010). Counselor genuine-

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Developmental Relational Counseling: Applications for Counseling Men

ness, poise, and use of action-oriented strategies may help men assuage their preconceptions of counseling (Good & Robertson, 2010; Kiselica & Englar-Carlson, 2010).

Masculinity is clearly a facet of a mans development and is a compelling influence in the counseling relation-ship (Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005; Shepard, 2005). Traditional, and perhaps stereotypical, views of masculinity characterize men as enduring, action oriented, and challenged to express emotions and vulnerabilities (Shepard, 2005). Although many men are encouraged through socialization to meet these masculine norms, most men do not (Smiler, 2004). Thus, masculinity itself is a multifaceted concept, and men vary in their responses to this socialization. Counselors who seek to understand their male clients as unique human beings while being aware of the multifaceted aspects of masculinity can better conceptualize their clients needs and respond with accurate and genuine empathy. Therefore, (a) accurate empathic listening, (b) conceptualization of clients as unique individuals, (c) discussion of the goals and process of counseling, and (d) relating from a collaborative stance are fundamental counseling practices that work well with men (Good & Robertson, 2010; Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005; Shepard, 2005). In addition, the following are principles, distilled from the literature, that describe additional consid-erations for work with men (Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005; Good & Robertson, 2010; Shepard, 2005):

1. Understand masculinity and societal expectations for men. 2. Recognize that some men may belong to a dominant

gender group and a disenfranchised group concur-rently (e.g., a homeless man).

3. Normalize mens experiences, socialization, and the counseling process.

In summary, men develop within diverse contexts. These contexts are multidimensional and include social, historical, familial, geographical, and socioeconomic factors. Thus, mens needs, capacities, expectations of power, vulnerabil-ity, and relationships vary. It is important for professional counselors to work from paradigms that support mens ca-pacity to develop a balanced self-perception, incorporate interpersonal feedback, and compassionately consider their needs and the needs of others. The DRC model provides a structure for counselors to conceptualize mens growth through the self-awareness they derive from their interactions and relationships.

DRC With MenDRC considers how self-awareness and deepened understand-ing of others develop. It provides context for how relational connections are formed and illustrates the role of feedback and awareness in the connection and disconnection process. Figure 1 provides a graphical overview of the DRC model. DRC focuses on human growth across several spectrums. Key

concepts in the DRC continuum include awareness of oneself and other people, connection and disconnection, perspective taking, and integration of feedback (Duffey & Haberstroh, 2012). Connection is a fundamental concept in DRC. In the DRC framework and within the context of this article, men connect to one of three broad perspectives on the basis of their level of personal awareness, relational maturity, and understanding of others. These perspectives are identified as (a) the self-denigrating perspective, (b) the clear and balanced perspective, and (c) the self-aggrandizing perspective. When a man is connected to a self-denigrating or self-aggrandizing perspective, he loses connection to a clear and balanced perspective of himself and others. As a result, he runs the risk of disconnecting from authentic relationships and losing opportunities for relational mutuality. Therefore, therapeutic goals in DRC involve using feedback to help men connect to a clear and balanced perspective of themselves and other people and develop mutually empathic relationships (Jordan, 2010).

Theoretical InfluencesDRC was founded on concepts from the Enneagram, cognitive therapies, and narrative therapies and was based on RCT. This integration of ideas illustrates the interplay between relational contexts and the development of personal awareness and deepened awareness of others. DRC integrates the intraper-sonal and interpersonal components of self-understanding to include the (a) accuracy of awareness, (b) perspectives to which one connects, (c) integration of feedback, and (d) use of power in relation to others.

RCT RCT is a model of human development first introduced by Jean Baker Miller (1976) and colleagues at the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute at Wellesley College. RCT is a life span model that discusses the role of context and how human growth occurs in relationship with others. This model provides a paradigm shift from the traditional models of development that emphasize individuation and separation as central to hu-man development (Jordan, 2010; Miller, 1976).

According to RCT, isolation is a painful source of human disconnection (Comstock et al., 2008; Duffey & Somody, 2011; Jordan, 2010; Walker, 2004). Therefore, helping cli-ents move out of a place of isolation is a primary counseling goal. RCT also acknowledges the role of power and privi-lege and the diversity that exists within society, including within-group and between-group factors related to gender, race, ethnicity, socioeconomics, sexual orientation, and religion (Comstock et al., 2008; Duffey & Somody, 2011; Jordan, 2010). RCT counselors consider these and other sociopolitical dynamics in their work. When working with men, an RCT-focused counselor seeks to explore dynamics such as power, privilege, connection, and mutual empathy to guide counseling and other relationships in mens lives (Vasquez, 2006).


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Fundamental RCT Beliefs According to RCT theorists, connection is an innate need (Jordan, 2010). However, there are times when individuals assume attitudes and engage in behaviors (also known as strategies of disconnection) that distance them from others and keep them from experiencing the connections they want (Jordan, 2010). RCT refers to this experience as the central relational paradox. For example, Brad, 23, and a recent col-lege graduate, believes that his brother, who is starting a new business, is receiving an unfair fi nancial advantage from his parents. Brad paid for college on his own and does not un-

derstand why his brother, who did not fi nish college and has been unsuccessful in business, is receiving support. Feeling uncomfortable and convincing himself he does not need this uncomfortable situation in his life, Brad withdraws from his family. In his withdrawal, he may communicate indifference toward his family or a lack of care. In reality, the motivat-ing factors behind Brads withdrawal have little to do with feeling genuine indifference. Rather, Brad is uncomfortable discussing his concerns with his family. He does not want to appear petty or jealous and is upset with himself when he experiences these feelings. Despite Brads often unspoken

FiGurE 1Developmental relational Counseling: The Spectrum of Self-understanding in relation to Others

Self-Aggrandizing Perspective

confi dentconfi dent

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Other

Others



desire to feel connected to his family and to truly believe that he matters, Brad withdraws further. Brads strategy of disconnectionwithdrawalbecomes chronic, and in time, Brad experiences a quiet and unspoken feeling of loneliness.

Unfortunately, when people do not represent themselves genuinely in relationships, they often conceal salient parts of their experiences (Jordan, 2010). In this case, Brad hid the fact that he resented the financial support his brother enjoyed. He also hid feeling taken for granted by his family. According to RCT, when important aspects of peoples experiences are habitually hidden, individuals may become increasingly dis-connected from themselves and others. When these strategies become chronic, people may enter into a state RCT refers to as condemned isolation (Miller et al., 2004; Miller & Stiver, 1995). Conversely, as people more fully represent what they think, need, and feel in important relationships, they become increasingly authentic and move out of isolation (Miller & Stiver, 1995). In Brads case, it was important for him to come to terms with his expectations of his parents and to acknowl-edge his awkward feelings related to his brothers position as a prodigal son. In counseling, he came to see that his feelings were motivated not simply by his familys financial support of his brother, but also by his perception that because Brad was self-sufficient, he did not need their support or appreciation. Brads socialization as a strong, independent man was in direct conflict with these feelings. Sorting through his feelings in ways that supported reentry into his family was an important step in his work. Although the goal of RCT is mutual growth and connection, this theory acknowledges that disconnections are a natural part of the growth process. Such was the case with Brad.

According to RCT, prior relationship experiences often serve as a relational template, leading people to expect cur-rent and future relationships to follow the template. Miller and Stiver (1995) defined these expectations as relational images. Relational images are schemas that create expectations of what relationships will look like and how people in relationships will respond. These expectations guide peoples interpreta-tions of others behaviors and the interpersonal dynamics they experience. Brads relational images involved seeing himself as invulnerable and ultimately in control of situations that affect him. Feeling vulnerable and jealous of his brother suggested weakness and triggered feelings of shame. Brads pattern of behaving when he experienced shame was to passively punish the other person through his withdrawal and rejection. In time, Brad would reframe his positive experiences and memories into pejorative ones. This would help him remain disconnected from the other person, feel justified in his decision, and appear seemingly in control. This disconnection generally reinforced Brads relational image that people would disappoint him. To maintain his relational image of himself as a person who asserts his power and has control in his relationships, Brad would have to ultimately reject the conflicted relationship.

Counselors can use RCT principles to help men distinguish their relational images from their actual experiences. Men then

have an opportunity to deepen and clarify their perspectives, which can support their relational resiliency. According to RCT, resilience is more than a quality of personal strength; it is a re-lational dynamic. Relational resiliency involves the capacity to form connections, [make] reconnections, and resist disconnec-tion (Jordan, 2005, p. 83) in the face of adversity and involves both maturity and mutuality. According to Jordan (2010), mutual-ity and maturity are critical to growth-fostering relationships. In Brads case, he was able to connect with his feelings of rejection, anger, and disappointment within his family. Although his family did not easily understand Brads concerns, they were eventually able to do so. Brad was also able to deepen his understanding of the various contexts and experiences of others. The therapeutic connection provided an avenue for Brad to reconnect, not only with his experience but also with his family.

RCT and Men RCT scholars first examined the complexities of womens development and the experiences of subjugated groups (Jor-dan, 2010). Although RCT was designed to explore womens growth in relationships, RCT also discusses the role of growth-fostering relationships in the developing male (Dooley & Fedele, 2004; Duffey & Somody, 2011; Jordan, 2010; Lombardi, 2012). Shepard (2005) discussed the contradictory messages men receive as young boys, and the consequences many incur as a result. According to Shepard,

the old rules defining masculinity have created profound dis-connections for men, which involve: (a) disconnection from vulnerable feelings like sadness and fear, which are normal and appropriate parts of life; (b) disconnection from nurturing, soothing, and caregiving capacities; (c) disconnection from the vocabulary of emotions, which many men have never adequately learned; (d) disconnection from ones children, despite desires for close relationships; and (e) disconnection from capacities for intimacy, and concomitantly, disconnec-tion from those whom men love. (p. 135)

Men develop their relational skills in various contexts. They experience a broad range of professional and personal relationships, which may reinforce or challenge their re-lational templates. Men function in many roles (e.g., son, sibling, friend, romantic partner, father, employee, employer). Within each of these roles, men relate to others using various strategies of connection and disconnection. Male-to-male friendship is one notable example of how men experience relational life. In a study involving 386 men, most participants described honesty, trust, and dependability as important man-to-man relational qualities (Greif, 2006). In another study involving men and their female romantic partners, attempts at what RCT would describe as mutual empathy were critical to relational satisfaction (Cohen, Schulz, Weiss, & Waldinger, 2012). RCT is clearly an applicable framework for concep-tualizing the male relational experience.


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How RCT Influences DRC DRC is based on the premise that context and relational connections form the foundation by which men gain per-sonal awareness and deepen their understanding of others. That is, when men relate to others authentically and with consideration, they see themselves more clearly and increase their openness to feedback. When engaged in bidirectional empathy, men can receive and be open to feedback about their impact on others. From a relational context, DRC con-siders feedback as information given from another persons range of experience and awareness. Although the intent of some feedback can be to hurt, shame, or dismiss another, DRC feedback is given to help individuals in a relationship better understand each other and develop their connection to a clear and balanced perspective of themselves and each other. Opening oneself to feedback, within the DRC context, is considered a caring act.

The appropriate use of relational power is central to RCT and DRC. RCT addresses power regarding diverse relational, social, and cultural contexts. It also describes the nuanced way people use power with others (Jordan, 2010). According to DRC, men demonstrate various ways of relating and using their relational power. In a grounded theory study on relational competencies and creativity in counseling involving 21 men (Duffey, Haberstroh, & Trepal, 2009), participants described the responsible use of power as deepening personal and relational growth. Participants described responsible uses of power as attending to and interact-ing with others authentically, providing and receiving construc-tive feedback, and sharing mutual support.

Thus, the ways that men use power demonstrate their connec-tions with others and to the DRC perspectives. DRC purports that when men disconnect from others and instead connect to self-aggrandizing or self-denigrating perspectives, they lose opportunities for relational mutuality and growth. In the first instance, men use their power in harmful ways to exploit, dismiss, or control other people. In the second instance, men yield their power and responsibility to others. In each extreme, this kind of disconnection can lead to increased isolation, emotional numb-ness, and feelings of depression. Conversely, DRC suggests that when men are connected to a clear and balanced perspective, they can use their power to empower those with less power, relate with respect, consider the influence of their actions, and seek to create relationships that are mutually beneficial.

The Enneagram Personality Typology The Enneagram personality typology is a system of self-discov-ery and personal growth with roots in ancient Eastern spiritual teachings. Diverse scholars have studied and developed En-neagram theory, particularly within the past 3 decades (Daniels & Price, 2000; Palmer, 1996; Riso & Hudson, 2000). The En-neagram is used as a tool to understand the diverse expressions of human nature by describing nine fundamental worldviews. This model provides a framework for observing peoples auto-matic responses to lifes experiences and illustrates productive

road maps for personal growth for each type. According to the Enneagram, each type has a unique focus of attention and a corresponding strategy for managing life experiences (Daniels & Price, 2000; Palmer, 1996; Riso & Hudson, 2000). It can help individuals increase their level of self-awareness and their understanding of others by discovering the motivations behind their behaviors (Daniels & Price, 2000; Palmer, 1996; Riso & Hudson, 2000). The Enneagram also provides a framework for increasing compassion and empathy (Duffey, Comstock, & Reynolds, 2004). These motivations become unconsciously driven patterns of behavior. Broadly speaking, people of the same type have similar motivations and worldviews. However, the Enneagram allows room for variation on the basis of indi-vidual talents, abilities, experiences, and maturity. Furthermore, Riso and Hudson (2000) identified a continuum of nine levels of development within each type, making the structure of the Enneagram a popular diagnostic tool for counselors and life coaches working with clients motivated to deepen their self-awareness and relational capacities.

How the Enneagram Influences DRC As previously stated, the Enneagram personality typology is a dynamic personality theory and speaks to core world-views, fears, and pathways for growth (Daniels & Price, 2000; Palmer, 1996; Riso & Hudson, 2000). Specifically, the Enneagram informed the development of the spectrum of self-awareness in the DRC model. This spectrum corresponds with the Enneagram levels of development. The principles of the Enneagram also informed the notion that the development of a clear and balanced perspective is a multidimensional process unique to each person. Furthermore, the Enneagram personality typology provided a nonpathological framework for understanding dysfunction, development, and growth.

Cognitive and Narrative Approaches Generally speaking, cognitive and narrative therapies both address the beliefs and stories that clients use to organize their worlds (Beck, 2011). Contemporary cognitive therapy involves helping clients assess their automatic thoughts, the accuracy of their beliefs, and broader cognitive schemas that have developed over time (Beck, 2011). In addition, cognitive work can help men expand restrictive notions about mascu-linity (Mahalik & Morrison, 2006). Cognitive and narrative theories differ, however, in key fundamental ways. Whereas cognitive theorists conceptualize clients concerns as consist-ing of faulty thinking, narrative therapists consider problems as socially constructed and best approached by externalizing them through restorying (White & Epston, 1990).

How Narrative and Cognitive Approaches Influence DRC

The self-denigrating and self-aggrandizing perspectives mir-ror the extremes of distorted thinking proposed by cognitive therapists (Beck, 2011). Similarly, cognitive therapies discuss



how new evidence and feedback inform a mans understand-ing of himself and others (Beck, 2011). In the DRC model, feedback is considered evidence of ones relational func-tioning. Thus, this evidence, when integrated, will expand a mans awareness. Unlike cognitive therapies, DRC places irrationality in a relational sense and externalizes (White & Epston, 1990) these thoughts and schemas as perspectives. This model expands on traditional cognitive approaches because it considers self-perspective in the context of discon-nection from and connection with others. In addition, rational self-understanding is not the final goal of DRC. Rather than viewing a man as consumed by irrational thoughts or unmet needs, DRC considers how a man connects in his relation-ships and to the various perspectives that frame his personal awareness and understanding of others.

Similar to narrative therapy, DRC externalizes many relational and personal issues (White & Epston, 1990) as connections to specific distorted perspectives. Unlike narra-tive therapy, where clients are asked to name their problem, DRC names these relational problems as connections to self-aggrandizing or self-denigrating perspectives. In Brads case, he was upset by the extra support his brother received and was somewhat jealous. On the one hand, he felt capable of earning his own living and seemed to be connected to a clear and balanced perspective of his earning power and professional competency. However, Brad also appeared to be connected to a self-denigrating perspective with respect to the power or influence he held within his family. Brad ignored his feelings of resentment and disappointment. Then, he pas-sively related to his family members by seemingly supporting the plan to again help his brother financially. By connecting to this perspective and by withdrawing from his family, he lost a genuine connection with them and the opportunity for mutual empathy. In time, Brads family became perplexed and confused by his absence.

Alternatively, when a man is connected to a clear and bal-anced perspective, he is better poised to connect with others dependably. There is little need for manipulation, passivity, aggression, or indifference. A man connected to a clear and balanced perspective demonstrates genuine compassion, consistency, courage, and confidence. An important DRC goal is to help men connect to this perspective. As observed in Brads case, once he was able to identify his resentment and articulate it, he was better able to come to terms with the situation. Brad did not like the facts, but he was able to accept them by seeing the situation more clearly and thus act with compassion toward himself and his family. He learned to be compassionate toward himself by connecting relationally and breaking the connection to the self-denigrating perspective. Brad could then say what was important to him and give his family an opportunity to respond. He also learned that compassion toward others involved frank communication. This allowed Brad to maintain clarity and presence rather than retreat and withdraw.

Perspectives and the Accuracy of Personal and Other Awareness

DRC defines self-awareness as the capacity to perceive one-self realistically, compassionately, and in relation to others. On the basis of this capacity, male clients may connect to self-perspectives that range in accuracy. The self-denigrating and self-aggrandizing perspectives are based on inaccurate self-awareness, incongruence with facts and feedback, and distortions of ones worth and the worth of other people. Notably, when a man connects to either of these perspectives, DRC suggests that he disconnect from others. Alternatively, according to DRC, when men connect to their clear and balanced self-perspectives, they incorporate feedback to both deepen and broaden their understanding of themselves and others. DRC contends that this growth, which results in relationship, fosters greater confidence, reliability, compas-sion, and courage.

The Clear and Balanced Perspective One aim of DRC is to help men develop clarity and balance in their understanding of themselves and others. Seeking con-nection to a balanced perspective increases their capacity for relational objectivity. In addition, it demonstrates realness, vulnerability, strength, and compassion. A man connected to a clear and balanced perspective of himself and his partner will listen to feedback and attempt to respond in a mutually supportive manner. He recognizes both his strengths and vulnerabilities and considers more productive ways of managing a stated concern.

However, DRC recognizes that men are complex and multidimensional and their connections to perspectives are often fluid. Clear and compassionate feedback from respected others may help them reconnect to a balanced self-perspective and understanding of others. Mens groups may offer a context for them to explore sharing power, developing intimacy with other men, and gaining greater awareness (Garfield, 2010). Al-ternatively, when men engage or collaborate in contexts (e.g., bullying, hazing, classist) that are ridiculing, denigrating, or abusive to themselves or others, their self-perspectives may move toward dehumanizing extremes. When a man spends time with friends who ridicule others who are different from them, or who make sexist or racist comments, he may begin to connect to a self-aggrandizing perspective. Then again, when a man is connected to a self-denigrating perspective, he may be disturbed by his friends comments but remain quiet. This may create conflict for him and keep him from experiencing balance or clarity. In each of these cases, mens perspectives position them to experience dehumanizing extremes.

The Self-Aggrandizing Perspective Men who connect to the self-aggrandizing perspective dehumanize themselves and others by denying personal vulnerabilities and exploiting weakness in others. Men who organize their lives from this perspective do so on the basis


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of inaccurate awareness. By connecting to a basic mind-set of preeminence and entitlement, they abuse their power, which results in a disconnection from growth-fostering relationships (Jordan, 2010). In this case, a man may perceive vulnerability as weakness and view control and exploitation as strength. Understanding himself from this perspective may create an avoidance or active resistance to feedback from others, espe-cially from those perceived as weaker or threatening. A man connected to a self-aggrandizing perspective may discount another persons concerns and act without consideration for how his behaviors affect the other person. Counseling goals for men connected to this perspective are for them to gain a realistic appreciation for their limitations and to value others as human beings who have unique strengths and flaws. A man may also grow by using power compassionately to promote and support the well-being of others.

The Self-Denigrating Perspective Men connected to a self-denigrating perspective may ques-tion their worth and fail to give their own value credence. They may experience profound loneliness because they see themselves as disconnected and different from the rest of humanity. A man connected to this perspective may dismiss or denounce his own worth. He may be unaware of his worth or fail to consider how his presence would be missed. Au-thenticity and compassion as expressed by others provide a context that challenges the self-denigrating perspective. When men discover that they are not alone in their flaws and mistakes, they may move toward connecting to a more flexible and balanced self-perspective. The task for men who have a self-denigrating worldview is to develop balanced and compassionate beliefs of their worth and recognize their importance and influence in their relationships. RCT would say that these beliefs are balanced through an individuals growth-fostering relationships with others (Jordan, 2010).

Aspects There are many aspects to a mans life. These are defined as a mans individualized personal, professional, and romantic relationships; competencies; skills; and talents that occur in the contexts of his life. For men, masculinity can be seen as an important aspect of their lives (Good & Robertson, 2010; Englar-Carlson & Shepard, 2005; Shepard, 2005). In DRC, connections to the self-aggrandizing, self-denigrating, and clear and balanced perspectives can vary with regard to spe-cific aspects and contexts. Therefore, although a man may be connected to a self-denigrating perspective related to one as-pect, he may be connected to a clear and balanced perspective about other aspects of his life. For example, a man connected to a clear and balanced perspective of his family dynamics may also be connected to a self-aggrandizing perspective with respect to his work relationships and performance. This component of DRC captures the complexity of connections and disconnection in a mans life. Furthermore, this idea can

be used to help plan for change. That is, a counselor and male client may (a) seek aspects where the client is connected to a clear and balanced perspective of himself and other people, (b) assess his connections to self-aggrandizing or self-denigrating perspectives involving other aspects, and (c) draw on the strength of his connection to clear and balanced perspectives as they exist.

Feedback DRC purports that authentic feedback is essential to relational growth and for developing a balanced perspective of self, oth-ers, and life situations. Relationally competent men take risks to provide others with productive feedback. They are also open to feedback. In the DRC model, receptivity and incorporation of feedback are central to self-awareness and authentic con-nection with others. Still, DRC recognizes that feedback can trigger a number of reactions. A man who seeks balance and clarity may first experience a mix of embarrassment, anger, and defensiveness upon receiving feedback. However, he will ultimately try to incorporate this feedback with compassion for himself and others. From this perspective, feedback is seen as a caring act.

In contrast, when a man is connected to an underconfident state but seeks a balanced perspective, he may initially feel discouraged because the feedback may seem to support his perceived flaws. Seeking a balanced perspective allows him to reconsider that position. Alternatively, an overconfident man who seeks a connection to clarity and balance may first be surprised and angry to hear others feedback. However, he may use this feedback to rebalance his perspective. In each case, compassionate, authentic, and honest feedback supports and reinforces the development of flexible, accurate, and bal-anced self-perspectives.

Men connected to either extreme of the continuum are challenged to achieve balance. Men connected to self-aggran-dizing perspectives may experience brief moments of accurate self-awareness during authentic feedback, moments of reflec-tion, or loss. They may react to this accurate self-appraisal by first denigrating themselves. Later, they may defend their self-perceptions, dismiss the feedback, and strike out. If they dismiss the feedback, they may then more rigidly adhere to their aggrandized self-perspective. Confident humility may appear, to them, as weakness. Some may choose to remain in denial of their behaviors to avoid adjusting their behaviors and may characterize their dismissiveness, degradation of others, control, and exploitation as strength.

Conversely, men who connect to self-denigrating per-spectives may focus only on the negative aspects of the feedback and minimize supportive messages. They may become defensive and strike out passive-aggressively if they perceive the feedback to be purposely harmful. Some men also succumb to shame because the feedback may buttress the idea that they are fundamentally flawed. Sometimes men connected to a self-denigrating perspective misperceive their



power and misuse it with others. Hence, feedback involves a delicate balance and must come from a place of care or it can be unproductive. If feedback is delivered by someone the man respects, and if he seeks self-understanding, integration of feedback is more likely to move him toward connection to a balanced perspective.

Counselors using DRC principles provide feedback from (a) a clear understanding of their role; (b) a compassionate understanding of themselves and their clients; (c) a place of genuine confidence; and (d) a sincere desire to know, under-stand, and connect with their male clients. This is in contrast to the expert, who can be detached, relationally discon-nected, and superior in his or her authority. DRC purports that counseling, when experienced in a direct, albeit restorative, context, can be a forum for examination, reflection, connec-tion, feedback, and integration of new learning.

DRC in Action: A Case Example In the following section, we apply DRC in counseling work with a male client with the pseudonym George. This case discussion includes a conceptualization of DRC principles, the counselors role, and the process of change.

GeorgeGeorge came to counseling because he had been laid off for failure to attend work. He gave a number of reasons for his absences, and after several discussions, his supervisor rec-ommended termination. George knew he had missed work, acknowledged not liking his job, and expressed indifference toward the termination.

George continued counseling as he sought employment. Eventually, he was hired as a telephone marketer with a large company. Known for his larger than life personality and quick wit, George was surprised that his new peers and supervisors did not appreciate his personality and expressed concern about his work. George remarked, Im the best person there, and they all have to know it. Too bad my group is full of douche bags.

George was upset and angered by the feedback he received and described how diplomatic he generally was during meetings. He added that his psychology major was a tremendous asset to him in his work and relationships. Still, George was amazed by his supervisors and cowork-ers inability to understand him. George spoke rapidly as he communicated his misfortune in working with such stale, unhelpful, and ignorant coworkers who failed to see his desirable qualities. Truly perplexed, George was disturbed when the counselor interjected thoughts or questions into the discussion.

DRC Conceptualization of GeorgeGeorge was connected to the self-aggrandizing perspective related to his professional performance and resisted feedback

from his supervisors, coworkers, and counselor. He was chal-lenged to integrate feedback into his awareness or consider why he sabotaged his opportunities for successful work. As a result, he disconnected from a perspective where he could perceive himself and others at work with accuracy and con-sideration. From the self-aggrandizing perspective, George did not consider what it might be like for his coworkers to carry his load when he would regularly call in sick. George could not entertain the idea that his performance, when he was present, was under par in some respects. The counselor conceptualized that, at his core, George defended against feeling shamed, experienced a lack of belonging, and car-ried a fear that acknowledging limitation or weakness could increase his vulnerability to attack and rejection.

For George to establish a connection to a clear and bal-anced perspective, his goals involved (a) acknowledging his legitimate strengths, (b) recognizing the personal value of realistic feedback, (c) diffusing his resistance to hearing feedback that contradicts his self-perception, (d) considering the aspects of his life to which he connects from a clear and balanced perspective, and (e) considering alternative perspec-tives to his current issue and to others.

DRC recognizes that feedback can be threatening to self-perception, pride, and a persons sense of self. To accept feedback such as DRC proposes, clients must want to develop their capacities to relate reliably with others, have confidence in the counselor, and trust the counselors intentions. In this case, the counselor reflected Georges strengths and skills and normalized the challenge and concrete value of self-reflection and personal awareness. For example, George had learned to relate genuinely with his partner and children and to speak directly about unsettling situations. Speaking in clear, nonjar-gon language, the counselor and George discussed Georges current state and clarified his goals. Using Figure 1, George reflected on the various aspects and contexts of his life and identified the spectrum of his understanding of himself and other people. As he moved toward the center of the spectrum, George increased his potential for self-compassion and re-spect for others.

Growth for George involved stepping back from his self-protective patterns and allowing himself to listen to and re-ceive feedback. Not surprisingly, George was at first resistant to seeing a perspective that collided with his self-perception and his perspective on the situation. However, he trusted the counselor, who attempted to strike the balance between providing support for George while also offering perspective shifting as a potentially freeing and illuminating act. Through practice, George learned to consider other peoples feedback and genuinely reflect on the impact of his behaviors on others. Moreover, he became more able to identify the self-protective motivations to his actions. George had an opportunity to gain more clarity, greater self-compassion and understanding, and a more sustainable connection and camaraderie with his peers. This was a desire he had often voiced.


Duffey & Haberstroh

DiscussionMen come from a rich variety of backgrounds and experi-ences and vary in their accuracy of self-understanding and perspective on others. We believe that counseling can serve as a forum for men to develop and deepen these important relational competencies. Counselors practicing from a DRC framework strive to help men become more realistic about their situations and identify feedback as central to this work. At the same time, DRC recognizes that feedback can be threatening in the best of contexts. However, DRC posits that, when given within a trusting relationship where mutual respect exists, feedback can be received, explored, and integrated.

This model recognizes that some men connect to a clear and balanced perspective of themselves and others and exemplify the best of masculinity with their compassion and courage. However, DRC also recognizes that other men are challenged in their perspectives. Men entrenched in the furthest extremes of these perspectives may not integrate feedback or value the mutual benefits involved in egalitarian relationships.

Limitations Men connected to a self-aggrandizing perspective in their overall management of life may be particularly challenged in using this approach. In addition, men who connect to a self-denigrating perspective may be equally challenged. Further-more, some men may not want to see a concrete and visual depiction of their relational connections and disconnections or hear candid feedback. Finally, although there is available research on the contributing models, this approach has emerged from our clinical practices and has yet to develop a distinct re-search base. Future research could explore and report on DRC training, and clinical outcomes of DRC are needed.

ConclusionThe DRC model, as used with men, outlines a method to conceptualize self-understanding and relationships in an integrated fashion while considering the intersection of mas-culinity and clients personal development. Men participating in DRC-focused counseling are made aware that counseling will involve looking at the presenting problem; consider-ing contributing factors, including their role; receiving and responding to feedback; exploring their perspectives; sifting through potential scenarios; and taking action. The DRC model encourages men to connect to a clear and balanced perspective of their own functioning while considering how their perspective both shapes and is shaped by their important relationships. To help clients connect to a clear and balanced perspective, counselors who are cognizant of these factors may help men evaluate the reciprocity and respect within their relationships and deepen their accurate awareness of themselves and those around them.

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Developmental Relational Counseling Applications for Counseling Men