Developing Conversations about DDP as

We Move into the Future---------

Dan Hughes Glasgow, Scotland, UK

10 October 2016

ATTACHMENT THEORYUnconditional Acceptance:

For Better or For Worse(Safety always in Mind)

—————

SOCIAL LEARNING THEORYEvaluations with Teaching

(Safety taken for granted)

---------Primacy of Relationship over Behavior

PARENTAL GOALSTO TEACH

RELATIONSHIPSREGULATION & REFLECTION

(Through Relating, Co-Regulating & Reflecting)_____________________

TO TEACHAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR

(Through Modeling, Coaching, Natural Consequences &

being PACEful toward our kid’s Experience)

AT RISK FOR CHRONIC DISTANCE AND/OR CONFLICT BETWEEN PARENTS & THEIR KIDS

1. When We Argue over FACTS & Ignore or makeassumptions about EXPERIENCE

2. When We have No Space for Differences3. When Differences Mean that

One is Right & One is Wrong

4. When We Forget that Closeness cannotBe Maintained without Repair

5. When We Forget that during Repair, we must beOpen and Engaged

BEING SAFE TO EXPANDFOCUS OF AWARENESS

Trauma: Narrow-External World.

Hypervigilant, safety blindness

Partial Safety: Broad-Open & Engaged

with External World; Curious,

learning new information.

Comprehensive Safety: Open & Engaged

with Internal World of thoughts,

feelings, wishes.

Who am I and what do I want.

TRUST THE PROCESS!

WHAT PROCESS?——————

The Integrative Impact ofDEVELOPING CONVERSATIONS

&DEVELOPING RELATIONSHIPS

SECURE ATTACHMENTSmove from being

Open & Engagedto

Relaxed and Connectedin emergent cycles

-----------------------------

and ALWAYS with

InteractiveRelationship

REPAIR-----------------------------

That was hard! We both got pretty angry.You Ok?

SECURE ATTACHMENTSmove from being

Open & Engagedto

Relaxed and Connectedin emergent cycles

-----------------------------

and ALWAYS with

InteractiveRelationship

REPAIR-----------------------------

That was hard! We both got pretty angry.You Ok?

Safe Relationshipsmove from being

Open & Engagedto

Relaxed and Connected

in emergent cycles

SECURE ATTACHMENTSmove from being

Open & Engagedto

Relaxed and Connectedin emergent cycles

-----------------------------

and ALWAYS with

InteractiveRelationship

REPAIR-----------------------------

That was hard! We both got pretty angry.You Ok?

SECURE ATTACHMENTSmove from being

Open & Engagedto

Relaxed and Connectedin emergent cycles

-----------------------------

and ALWAYS with

InteractiveRelationship

REPAIR-----------------------------

That was hard! We both got pretty angry.You Ok?

RELATIONSHIP REPAIR is crucial for maintaining the

SAFETY & INTIMACY of Attachment Relationships

——————-Because of The Inherent

MESSINESS

of such relationships

SECURE ATTACHMENTSmove from being

Open & Engagedto

Relaxed and Connectedin emergent cycles

-----------------------------

and ALWAYS with

InteractiveRelationship

REPAIR-----------------------------

That was hard! We both got pretty angry.You Ok?

SECURE ATTACHMENTSmove from being

Open & Engagedto

Relaxed and Connectedin emergent cycles

-----------------------------

and ALWAYS with

InteractiveRelationship

REPAIR-----------------------------

That was hard! We both got pretty angry.You Ok?

Musing and the MUSETo muse is to consider something thoughtfullyA muse-the source of an artist’s inspiration

Within Deeply Intersubjective Relationships: The Individuals become a musefor each other—someone who fascinates and engages our spirit in a way that causes us to become more creatively engaged with each other

Affective-Reflective Conversationsand Avoidant or Ambivalent

attachment styles.

Avoidant Attachment Style:Affective component makes

Present deflected emotional experience More Real and available for Integration.

Ambivalent Attachment Style: Reflective component makes

Past emotionally overwhelming experienceLess Real & less able to block

our ability to Integrate.

Nonverbal enables Experiences of Distress

to be Regulated & Integrated:

Matched Affective Intensity.Joint Attention:

Light to Intense Focus.Clear Intention:

From Sense of Gentle, Compassionate, Enquiry to

Sense of Urgency to Understand & be Helpful

Need to be Open & EngagedAn Instant before

meeting the child and parent

Because the Amygdala Registers Facial and Vocal Expressions

within50 msec (unconscious)170 msec (recognition)

300 msec (conscious awareness)

To be ConsistentlyOpen & Engaged

You need to ConsistentlyFeel Safe

It helps to have a range of initiatives & responses

that we have confidence in

such as. . .

Acceptance and Conversation with PACE

“Yes! and. . .”“Thanks for being honest!. . .”

“I don’t know what to say now. . .”“That’s it! Now I know why you don’t. . .”

“I think we might disagree about that.”Your anger at me is very clear.

Could you help me to understand it better.”

Talking ForTalking About

Matching Affect

The Story

The Story: Incomplete & Incoherent

Discover the StoryCo-Create the Story

Deepen the StoryTell the Story

Finish the Story (Chapter)Reflect on the Story

The Story: Comprehensive & Coherent

A Meeting of the Mind and HeartOf Each Other

It is not a “meeting” over tea but a bold swinging—demanding the

most intensive stirring of one’s being—into the life of the other.

(Buber, 1965, p. 81).