Deborah Gilboa, MDwww.AskDrG.com

LETTING GOWithout Giving In

If you could wave a magic wand...

What do you want for your child’s future?

hap·pi·ness:noun

good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy

INGREDIENTS:1.Confidence2.Competence3.Relationships

If your child could wave a magic wand...

What does she want to be allowed

to DO?

WHY DO WE SAY NO?

6

WHY WOULD WE LET THEM TRY?

Proves independenceLeads to competence

Builds relationshipTeaches

resilience.

STATS

• Sallie Mae study of undergrads: average credit card balance is $3,173

• US Census Bureau: 2010 adults age 25-34 living at home ↑26% to 5.9mil

• >2/3 parents give their adult children $$$ support (doubled in 20 yrs)

CULTURE OF “SUCCESSFUL” FAMILIESThe Myth:“Getting involved

will make us both feel better!”

The Truth:Stepping back

helps kids become adults.

SOURCE: Journal of Child and Family Studies, Feb 2013

“Students who reported having over-controlling parents reported significantly higher levels of

depression and less satisfaction with life. Furthermore, the negative effects of helicopter parenting on

college students’ well-being were largely explained by the perceived

violation of students’ basic psychological needs for autonomy and

competence.”

THE COST

WHAT ADULTS KNOWChildhood is for learning:• Independence• Competence• How to build relationships

Stepping back a little strengthens kids.Independence →RESILIENCE

Love• Empathy• Helpfulness• Greater resources• Experience• Habit• Genuine enjoyment

Fear• Responsibility• Overwhelming• Deteriorating• Future

consequences• Risking the

relationship

GUILT.

WHY DO WE STEP IN?

ONE STEP BACK

Skill building• Chores• Homework• Food• Errands• Extra-curriculars

Relationship building• Siblings• Friends• Other adults

Problem-solving

RESILIENCE CHALLENGES

Mistakes Accidents Pain Social consequences Judgment from other parents Haters 11:00 News…

WHAT ADULTS NEED TO REMEMBERAdult involvement supports•Safety•Growth•Learning

Adult intervention harms •Confidence•Competence•Relationships

GUIDE THEIR PLAN

• Let life teach the lesson!• Praise the process.• Play “What if?”• Read a book or watch a show.• What would you tell a friend?

“I’ll be really interested to see what you do!”

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