DEARTIME,

poetry, letters, and proseby locked up boys

AN AUSTIN BAT CAVE PRODUCTION EDITED BY HEATHER JONES AND LOUISE HANKS

About Austin Bat Cave

Austin Bat Cave is a nonprofit writing and tutoring center for kids between the ages of six and eighteen. All of our programs are free and are offered with the hope of inspiring kids to write, to discover their own voices, and to become more confident, more critical, and more reflective thinkers. We connect a diverse population of young writers and learners with a vibrant community of adult volunteers in Austin.

At ABC, we understand that public school teachers are the hardest-working people in town. With all our programs, we strive to be a resource, mobilizing volunteers to help teachers accomplish what they might not be able to accomplish on their own.

Our programs are divided, more or less, into three parts:

Hand & Wing: We call our in-school program Hand & Wing, which is derived from the Latinate for bats—who have both hands and wings—and which describes our approach to creative writing workshops for the classroom: we give students a hand so they can discover their wings and then take flight, or something equally hopeful and corny. Every school year, we team up with different schools in Austin and Central Texas to bring bi-monthly writing workshops into the classroom. We use the workshops to give students a chance to discover the pleasures of writing, whether they are writing angry letters to inanimate objects that cannot respond (for instance, say, a coconut, or the long lists of side effects that accompany prescription medicines) or writing scripts for a graphic novel, hip hop poetry, screenplays, or through storytelling.

Every year, we bring together a collection of the work produced in class and have the students edit and rewrite their work to polish it up for publication, and then we publish it in our Hand & Wing Anthology.

Writing Workshops: Every four months, Austin Bat Cave releases a new crop of after-school and weekend writing workshops created and taught by a dedicated group of volunteers—artists, writers, musicians, and professionals. These workshops offer kids an opportunity to discover new forms of writing and develop stronger writing skills. It also helps us to connect a growing community of young writers to each other. These after-school workshops allow us to dive into a variety of different types of writing that can be a fun introduction to writing or a deeper exploration of how writers write. We’ve run hip-hop poetry workshops, screenwriting and magazine publishing workshops, a workshop devoted to the untold stories of villains, sidekicks, and damsels in distress, and many, many more. For more information about our writing workshops, visit us online at austinbatcave.org.

After-school Tutoring and Homework Help: Austin Bat Cave is building partnerships all across Austin to develop and maintain after-school tutoring and homework assistance centers where students can come to get tutoring help or homework help in any and all subjects. Our volunteers offer one-on-one attention that we feel is essential in helping students gain more confidence and develop good habits that will help them become stronger students. For more information about our growing after-school tutoring and homework help, visit us online at austinbatcave.org.

BOARD OF DIRECTORS S. Kirk Walsh, President Claudia Chidester, Vice PresidentTaline Manassian, SecretaryTanya Erlach Lauren Smith Ford Jen Strickland Eric WetzelAmy Sawtelle Roberts Leslie Yzaguirre

ADVISORY BOARD Evan Smith Jim Magnuson Shaun JordanDoug Dorst Richard Linklater Simone Wicha Naomi Shihab Nye

What you’re holding

What you’re holding is a collection of letters, poems, and snippets of prose written by a group of sixteen-year-old boys detained at Gardner Betts Juvenile Justice center in Austin, Texas. The authors of this book are thirteen of the nearly 100,000 youth currently incarcerated in the U.S.

For eight weeks, we led a creative writing workshop at the detention center, facilitated through Austin Bat Cave and the Austin Public Library’s Second Chance Books Program. We met with the boys on Tuesday evenings and got to know each other through sharing our writing.

We started by talking about hunger for anything missing in their present realities—home-cooked food, a real bed, a girl’s voice, a haircut, respect, freedom, a chance. We moved on to writing angry letters and turning them into poems, then dove deeper into poetry and prose using authors such as William Blake, Langston Hughes, Big K.R.I.T., and Tupac Shakur as inspiration.

Many of the chapters in Dear Time share titles with the writing exercises we worked on together. The boys explorewhat they’ve been holding back in ANGER IN INK, what theymiss in I’M HUNGRY FOR, where they come from and where

they might go in THE ROOTS IN ME and I COME FROM, I DREAM

OF, I WITNESS. In MY MOTHER NEVER and FLESH AND BLOOD, they reflect on family, then in Q & A they respond to thought-provoking questions. Finally, in I NEED TO SAY BEFORE I GO, the boys write letters to loved ones as if they’ve only got one week left to live.

We are sorry not to be able to include the names of the boys whose hard work has made this collection so powerful. Due to the rules of the detention center, which are intended to protect the confidentiality of the incarcerated youth, we are required to leave the identities of the boys anonymous. All names within their letters have been changed due to their personal nature.

Working with this group of clever, forthright, and enthu-siastic young men was a true privilege. Despite the heaviness of their situations, they were heartfelt, committed writers who continually expressed an interest in being able to pursue more writing—both in their detention unit and “in the free,” as they would say. It was clear from our experience that writing programs for detained youth are an essential step in improving a broken juvenile justice system. The boys are proud of their work. We are too. Enjoy your read.

— Heather Jones and Louise Hanks

CONTENTSDEAR TIME

1

ANGER IN INK

3

I ’M HUNGRY FOR

13

THE ROOTS IN ME

19

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

27

I COME FROM, I DREAM OF, I WITNESS

33

MY MOTHER NEVER

43

FLESH AND BLOOD

49

Q & A

55

I NEED TO SAY BEFORE I GO

59

1

Dear Time,

You piss me off because you go about so slow, then sometimes you wanna go fast. You seem to change on me. I hate the way you look, tick, tock, and confuse me. I hate doing time. You keep me from being with my family. You’re going to regret those times you were going slow when I get in the free. I’ll never forgive you for what I can’t get back. You make me anxious. Why do you act like you don’t really care even though you really do? What about me makes you not want to go faster? I can’t believe I got a few more weeks left. I can’t wait ‘til my time come.

Sincerely,The boys in Unit 8 Gardner Betts Juvenile Justice Center

A Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend:I told my wrath, my wrath did end.

I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I water’d it in fears, Night & morning with my tears; And I sunned it with my smiles,

And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night, Till it bore an apple bright; And my foe beheld it shine,

And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole When the night had veil’d the pole:

In the morning glad I see My foe outstretch’d beneath the tree.

— William Blake, 1793

ANGER IN

INK

4

Dear Judge,

I still haven’t forgot when you sent me here. I know I did wrong but it wasn’t that much to send me here. I hate the way you have control over people’s life and act like you are so perfect. How could you take me away from my son for 4 months and my family. You’re going to regret when I prove all yall people wrong who said that I was a danger to the community and how I was not able to do certain stuff. I cant believe you took me away from my son and I cant believe im here right now writing this letter to you. You kept me from my family and son and I hope you regret it when you find out who I really was before you sent me to this stupid facility and with these hoe ass people in this facility.

Sincerely,Anonymous

Unforgiven

Still haven’t forgotI hate the way you have controlYou act like you’re perfectHow could you take me from my son and family?You’re going to regret it when I show you Who I amI cant believe I’m here writing this letterYou kept me from my son the most I hate youI hate you, why you sent me to this facilityYou didn’t feel my personality and what I sufferedThrough my family

5

Dear Dad,

Why did you go away and forgot about me. What did I do to you. How could you leave me in the wind and go get married. The day me and you stop talking I went crazy. Why would you go away after grandpa pass away. Well dad I want you to know I forgive you hopefully when I get out we can move pass this and gain our father and son relationship back.

Love your son,Anonymous

Why did you go awayHow could you leave me in the windMarriedCrazyGrandpa pass awayForgive you hopefullyRelationship back

6

Dear Stupid Bitch,

I hate the way you say things about me that you know aint tru. You piss me off because you just mad because I don’t love you like I used to. You’re going to regret the times you wouldn’t let me see my son. Why do you act like its my fault we are not together when you played a part in why we are not together. You piss me off cause you don’t wanna see me happy with another girl and yet you don’t wanna be with me. I cant believe you questioned my love for you and our son and did something stupid that sabotaged our relationship. You keep me from being the person my mom raised me to be. How could you dare look me in my face and tell me I don’t take care of Brandon. I still havent forgotten the times you use to cheat on me and thought it was funny. But you will regret doing that to me. I cant wait till I get to the Pro’s and you come back begging for me like a dog. You piss me off when you play childish games like a 8 year old girl does. You are going to keep me from having the relationship with my son that he deserves. How could you try and mess with our relationship just because I have moved on. I hate the way you act when I see you in person. You act like we are friends and nothing ever happened. You going to regret the decisions you made because I forgive but never forget. I always told you that. Know I feel like I forgive you but I cant give you another chance ma you in my rearview and I put a ring on yo finger I was all in. Now its just a symbol of what could have been. I hate the way you made me feel when I tried to get my son.

— Anonymous

7

You piss me offI don’t love you like I used toLet me see my sonIts my fault we are not togetherI cant believe you did something stupidYou keep me from BrandonYou will regret thatI cant waitYou piss me off when you play childish gamesYou keep me from my sonHow could you mess with our relationshipI hate youYou act like nothing ever happenedI forgive but never forgetI forgive you but I cant give you another chanceMa you in my rearviewAnd I put a ring on your fingerI was all inNow its just a symbol of what could have beenI hate you

8

Dear Mom,

My mom always told me go to schoolDon’t break the rules I went intoSociety broke the rule like I was a foolI DiD the crime I doing the time andThas a fucking bummer. I hop up in a Beemer then I hop in a hummer.

I miss my hummer and my beemerI am society I DiD the crime I’m doing the time

— Anonymous

9

Dear Dad,

I hate that you got 30 years. You haven’t been in my life ever since I was little. Why did you have to sell dope. You had a good job. If you was never locked up I will not be in here right now. I will have been on someone football field, or basketball court. You left me and mom, jess, viv, and bree and this dirty ass world. It hurt me that you didn’t get to see me grow up or see me play sports.

— Anonymous

Dear Mom,

I’m mad at you because you hit me. I’m also mad at you because you cuss me out and throw stuff at me when I was young. You keep me from spending time with my friends. You’re going to regret hitting me because you should never hit me. You make me feel mad. If you apologize, I’ll forgive you. Why do you get mad at me so much for no reason. I can’t believe you hit me when I was young. I think you treated me unfair unlike your other sons and daughter. I can’t wait for you to apologize. I will be happy when you do.

— Anonymous

10

Dear Dad,

U piss me off because every day we went out to go play with my cousins and my uncles. U use to go play with us. Then after that u use to go to the club and get drunk and go drop me off at my sister house and u knew that I wanted to spend time with u because I barely got to see u and I really wanted to be with u and I hated that u came home to my sister house drunk and it piss me off that u told me that you would be back in a hour when u knew u weren’t going to be back until the rest of the night. and what got me mad was that u went to the club when I told u not to and u still went and u got locked up and it got me fucking mad cause I felt that u weren’t thinking about your fucking son and I was waiting and waiting at my sister house and I stayed awake all night until I fell asleep and woke up, u not being there and my sister told me u were locked up and that they were going to deport u back to Mexico and that I knew I wasn’t going to see u no more and I hated when u went to those clubs but u still went and to me it felt that u didn’t care about what I had to say to u. I felt disrespected.

— Anonymous

11

Real Note

on some real talk, on a real noteat first I tried to copeand act like I aint never knowBe my real nigga, I’m locked down so why fakeHate, is how I’m feelinNow I see the give and takeI cut for yo ass, when you was on yo backI broke bread for you even though it was my lastBut you cant return da favor.I see how we doin.so when I see ya through the hood I’ma keep on moving. I guess fake gon’ be fakeand real gon’ be realI aint holding no mo’ backI’ma tell you how I feelDo what you do kus I can prove that I’m trueand that instigatin nigga I’ma touch his ass too.Mistakes is what I madeIm feelin so betrayedBut its all good homieI see you how you play

— Anonymous

I’MHUNGRY

FOR

14

Freedom

I’m hungry for my freedomCause I miss the freeI miss eating when I want toTake a shower how long I want toGo to sleep when I want toAll my peers feel the same way I doCause they wanna go home too

— Anonymous

I’m hungry for

I’m hungry for money.I’m hungry for respect.I’m hungry for pussy.I’m hungry for freedom.I’m hungry to be known.I’m hungry for my family.I’m hungry for my Likk’s!I’m hungry for a job.I’m hungry for a chance.I’m hungry for a vacation.

— Anonymous

15

I’m hungry for

I’m hungry for power.I’m hungry for newports.I’m hungry for real food.I’m hungry for clothes.I’m hungry for football.I’m hungry for my girl’s voice.I’m hungry for a haircut.I’m hungry for real toothpaste.

— Anonymous

Money

The way ima get money is the right way, ima find a job, ima try to make the most amount that I need in my pocket to keep my money the right way. Last time I had it wusz when I wusz driving with my homeboy on his car. The last time I had it wusz when I got locked up, and the last time I smelled it wusz when I had the time to iron my money and put cologne to smell good for everybody to recognize what they missing on.

— Anonymous

16

My Son

I been hungry for my son. I haven’t seen him for like one month already. He came once with my mom but ever since I haven’t seen my mom or him, I’m hungry for him in a way that to feel his warmness carry him hold him kiss him caress him have fun with him talk to him feed him provide for him. Help him learn how to walk, talk, and play as he grows up. Tickle him walk around with him. Show off my son to everybody show people what is mine and what I made. The last time I had him was in the afternoon with my mom, the second last time I saw him was when I was changing his diapers with me and his mom and his big brother Julian we were having fun laughing, playing making faces talking about who he was gunna look like, how cute he was. How he was gunna be when he grew up how he is gunna act with his big brother how he was gunna be a good boy if he was gunna be like his dad if he was gunna be like his mom or be a bully or a lover or any type of bad boy I hope not but each kid chooses his lifestyle as he grows up!

— Anonymous

17

A Chance

If you hope to be forgiven then you feeling me. I’m tryna get a chance and that’s what’s killing me. Sometimes I feel like imma fall, kus this roads getting longer. But I got to stand tall, kus all the stress gets me stronger. The judge think I aint gon’ make it she saying imma fail. Running out of chances, kus I’m in and out of jail. I done did what I could; now I’m tryna change my life. Asking for a chance I just hope I do it right. Praying to the lord, kus these times is getting hard, asking for a chance to succeed and make it far.Don’t wanna come back kus I got betters things to do, graduate and go to college, play the game by the rules.

— Anonymous

THE ROOTS

IN ME

20

The Roots in Me

The roots in meCome straight out of cali I was born in the East SideWhere you can be part of a homicide When I was younger I forget the names of my GirlfriendsThe first jam I ever heard was s-p-mAt the age of 16 had a kid When I got to this age I never regret what I did In the future I hope to have my own dealership Or if not that be the M’Fucking president I hope I get my time back that I spent In this mother fucking Juvenile Day CareThey ain’t tryna help they Don’t care The first car I ever drove was khaki and leather I would keep it shining and kept it away from a feather I use to smoke a lot of weed With my x-girlfriend named Heather We promised our Relationship to go on forever But it didn’t work out she didn’t give me pleasure And I told her hoe its whateverI’m so gangsta and smart don’t forget clever

— Anonymous

21

I grew up

I grew up in a street called St. Elmo I live in a house andWe had a Big Chicken we had a allright Back Yard we had 2Dogs and we had 3 Bed roomsand live with my Dad Momsisters and me of course andWe all got along and my sisterhad a cat

— Anonymous

.

Thurgood Avenue

Thurgood Avenue 6200 Blockevery house got drugs and guns that gon’ popold schools on the porch and youngstas on the cornerwalk in the house, a marijuana aromaTryna sleep, while uncle’s rolling garsGrandma’s got the work in the cookie jar

— Anonymous

22

James is cool

James is coolHe didn’t want anybody to go to jailHe’s not a fighterHe don’t smokeHe don’t drinkHe don’t skip school

He goes to schoolHe gets 100s in his classes

Black, tall, skinny

He goes to Travis

— Anonymous

The house I grew up in

The house I grew up in was a very little house. I can remember it was a 2 bedroom and 1 bath. It was always dark because we had dark curtains hanging up. Also our walls were painted dark blue. The hallway was very small. The 2 bedrooms were small as well. One of the rooms was my room. I always had it clean and neat. I had a computer and a plasma in there, and had a Xbox 360. We had a Big backyard, with a trampoline. We also had a swimming pool, and a baby pool for my little sisters.

— Anonymous

23

My unkill

My unkill he makes me mad sometimes cus I smoke in front of his son and I don’t want to but I just do it.

— Anonymous

Brian

BrianHe laughs when people playHe gets mad when people hit or talk smack to his sonWhen he gets angry, he will tell you to leave his houseBut his laughs sound likeDeep echoes

— Anonymous

24

When I was born

When I was born, I lived in a big buildingit had a lot of windows, it smell like a clinic,it has white and blue walls, it started with theletter B, and to the same letters of the secondword, it had like 500 rooms, peoplethat were born was living there, and peoplevisit there also. I didn’t had no neighbors,I probably did, but I had no clue what theirname would be.

— Anonymous

My house

My house is brown and has four rooms. It always smelled good, like pinesol. It was always clean. Me and my mom would always clean together. My house felt good. I always felt safe in my house. Me and my mom and my brother and my niece. My niece was my sister’s daughter. My niece was 30 something and protective of me. If someone wanted to fight me, she would hop in for me. We would smoke cigarettes together. The house was very light. We had nice neighbors. They invited me to borrow things if I needed anything. My neighborhood was not good because there were gangs and shoot outs. People broke into houses. When my house was broken into, it made me feel bad and made me want to start breaking into other people’s houses. I have a dog and a bird. My dog is a miniature pincher and her name is Foxy. My bird’s name is Cupcake. She sings.

— Anonymous

25

The roots in me

The roots in me made me who I am todayCrystalwas a girl that IlikedI kissed her and she reacted goodWe were littleMy friendssome are dead and gonefrom gunshotssome are locked up in the penI hopped on the rollercoasterand I almost slippedI thought I was gonna diebut luckily God was looking over meand I got off safeAll of my teachers were coolbecause they were funThe school danceI was high so everything lookedretardedI didn’t danceI didn’t want toI went because of the femalesI didn’t find any because I didn’t knowwhat I was doingChicano rapmusic that kept me motivatedI always got beat up byhatersI fought backit was a get backit was always back and forthIt was black vs mexicanThese are the things that made me today

— Anonymous

Harlem

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore—

And then run?Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over— like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

— Langston Hughes, 1951

WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN

28

What happens when time is wasted?

What happens when time is wasted?

Does it come back to youlike an ex-girlfriend?Or play with your mindAnd do things you didn’t intend?Does it fade away like the sunset?Or does it rise above alllike a private jet?

Maybe it flies ‘til it crasheslike a drunk driver on the highway.

Or does it just fly away?

— group poem

29

boy or man

What happens when you have a family to support?

Do you grow up and be that Dream male modelLike the dad you always wished you had?Or do you stay ah lil boy?Do you handle the situation like ah dad?Or do you avoid responsibility and hang with your friendsLike the high school dropout that roam the streets?

Maybe you will step up and be more like his kinLike the white man raised his kids to be.

Or should I wait to see if the child will be like me?

— Anonymous

30

What happens when you fall in love?

What happens when you fall in love?Is it real or is it fake?

Would you do what it takes?To go on forever

Does it fade awayOr is it something to use and play

Like people use to get their wayOr does it fly away

Like the night to dayBut just pray

That it doesn’t end that way

— Anonymous

31

What happens when you have a family to support?

What happens when you have a family to support?

Do you go out and sell drugslike a pharmacist in Walgreens?Or go and get a job and do the thingsYou always dreamed.

Do you maintain and keep you head uplike a nose that got hit?Or do you give up and feel like you no longerwanna live?

Maybe you’ll go down the right path and put the wrong on pauselike the yellow brick road off the wizard of oz.

— Anonymous

I COME FROMI DREAM OF

I WITNESS

34

Confused Lifestyle

I come from a home of struggleWhere yo struggle is yo successThere’s no such thing as “makin it big”But yet, I dream of one day doin something with My lifeI witness crackheads on the streets, dope fiends doinAny and everything just to get what they want.I come from a part of town where gang bangin is normal.I come from a side of town where a gunshot is like a doorbell.Nobody seems to care about each other.I witness kids lost in their own state of their minds That they kill they own kindAnd get 20, 30, 40, 50 years sometimes They don’t even know how to handle.I come from a part of town where girls have no Respect for themselvesAnd boys treat them like a door mat And they see no problem with it.But its our moms, aunts and sisters getting pimpedAnd we have no problem with it.

35

I dream of a normal home where money comes in a checkInstead of wondering when the food stamp cards will comeOr if I will eat that night but Who cares.The only thing I know is Slangin rocks, robbin niggaz, and fuckin bxxxxxx.The streets taught me everything but the streets Aint the only thingI dream of living in a home without a drunken stepdad Beating on mama and mama gon off drugsSister makin money from a pimpMe making money from the streetsBut hey we ALL gotta eat.I witness all this in the 16 years I been hereBut it seems nobody wanna see me go nowhereI come from east austinSpringdale gardens to be exactAnd this the struggle we go through day in and day outBut I witness things aint gon eva ChangeThats jus tha way it goes.

— Anonymous

36

I dream of

I dream of a benzBut my dream is going to endWhen I put my hands on a benzAnd I’m riding with my friends

I come from nothingBut I wish I can be come some thingThat can lead me to the topAnd I would never drop

I witness a brother That smoke anotherI wish I can seeHim walk again in the free with me

— Anonymous

37

I come from booker t

I come from booker t the hood where everything go down

I witness laws trying to block our shine and throw us in jaillike pigs in a pen

Now I’m in the pen they feed us like hungry dogs

I’m like a dog cause Irun shit around here

— Anonymous

38

I witness

It’s that thug lifePeople gettin’ shotHoes sellin’ body parts for a mother fuckin rockLaws tryin to shoot you with the fuckin red dotThey don’t really give a fuck, they justTryin to take the shotRIP to Lil’ Slick that got shotTen feet in the dirt—what the fuck?We ain’t gonna stopWho the fuck you knowFourteen gotta dropPull up at the lightOn swings drop the lotThat’s my witness

— Anonymous

39

when ur broke

when ur broke it aint no jokeu grow up with no money andnow all ur eating is honey u live with out no house and ur running around town like a mousetrying to find its cheeseand now ur on ur knees beggingevery body please trying toget some cash when u know ur life is turning into ash whenu know ur life is going to be a crash next thing u know u in the trash and then underground turning into ash

— Anonymous

40

Life

even though I got my set, I stand solotime is a ball and I watch it roll slowDeath’s creepin up on people on its tip-toesstuck in the game like I’m on nintendo

strugglin what kind of world do I live inthis aint the kind of life I wanna raise a kid inthe devil’s always trynna get me to give inbut I refuse to end up like lil quinn and tim-tim

stuck in needs, strugglin, so that’s how I live itpeople wanna help, but they cant, because I did itboys say they got it, but I go and get itI’m trynna get my rank up, to this life I’m committed

I wanna do good but my life is how I make iteven though you might hate ityou aint helpin when you fake itI wanna succeed, so I guess Ima take ittell me to do good, but you cant, so what you sayin

life is going by fast, sometimes I wonder can I keep upI’m strugglin, while you out there with yo feet upyou claim you real, saying that you your brother’s keeperyou stressin that you hood, but it’s hard to believe ya

my hustle, my hustle, watch your back, sell a packthat’s what uncle told memy struggle, my struggle, be a man, show me you canthat’s what momma told me!

41

trynna stop a souljabut I hold my composureIma victim to the system, kus I let it run me over.standin on my toes, trynna be a paperfoldaposted on the corner, like fuck dat diploma

A nigga need money and school aint getting it for megive a damn if I’m out here bein a crash dummieA nigga trynna get it, play the hand that I was dealtI’m eatin everyday getting full of myselfone deep is how I live, kus I’m responsible for no oneStand alone, support my own, fade em all and barr none.

my hustle, my hustle, watch your back, sell a packthat’s what uncle told memy struggle, my struggle, be a man, show me you canthat’s what momma told me!

Handle mines, by any means I’m getting bypeople take life for granted, that’s how they live and dieget all in yo feelings might as well sit and crybut I’m out here in the streets, gotta hustle to survive.

you say you understand, but you have no cluedon’t know what I been throughyou aint been in my shoesyou turn to a gang kus you cant find no loveyou’ll find yourself locked upkus these days there aint no trustboys trynna represent for stuff they don’t knowbut when they see that bullet holeguaranteed they gon fold

— Anonymous

MYMOTHER

NEVER

44

My mother never drank

My mother never drank. I never saw her drink. I thought alcohol was better at first. Then, I started drinking. If I had seen my mom drink, I’m not sure what would’ve happened. My mom never smoked weed. I thought weed wasn’t good until I tried it. My mom never graduated from high school. This makes me want to graduate from high school.

— Anonymous

My mother never graduated from school

my mother never graduated from school and she told me that she wanted to graduate so she can have a better job and she told me that she never gave up on me and she doing everything to support me where I am right now and she said that she cant wait till I get out so she can support me again. and she did everything she could to keep food on the table, she never told me that she didn’t like me or hate me or she never told me that she never wanted to see me. and my mom never got to achieve what she wanted.

— Anonymous

45

My mother

My mother doesn’t make piesShe always looks happy in the outsideBut really that’s just her disguiseWhen I’m around she doesn’t cryShe’s so sweet with her beautiful brown eyesShe stays away from liesBecause she knows deep insideIt’s not every body’s real side

My mother doesn’t judge you by your raceShe’s nice she never fakesBut she’ll do what it takesTo help with your mistakesShe’s smart like a sizzling snake

My mother never gave up on meShe’s always by my side when I come to this facility

My mother wished for me to be set freeBut it never happened because of my negativity

My mother hates these damn facultyBecause all they want to do is ruin your family

— Anonymous

46

My mother never gave up on me

My mother never gave up on meno matter how much trouble I got into.My mother never took the time out to talk to me about sex.My mother never talk to me about girls and relationships.My mother never took me driving.My mother never gave me what I didn’t want.My mother told me how she felt.

— Anonymous

My mother never gave up on me

My mother never gave up on me.My mother never did nothing to me.

— Anonymous

47

My mother never gave up on me

My mother never gave up on me, she never stung like a bee.My mother never been to the moon, my mother never hold a balloon.My mother never smoke some weed, and I could tell that she wont give up on me.

— Anonymous

My momma never gave up

My momma never gave upMy momma never quitMy momma never stopped talkingMy momma never stopped drinkingMy momma never disowned meMy momma never told me she hated meMy momma never regretted anythingMy momma never finished high schoolMy momma never stopped trying…

— Anonymous

FLESH AND

BLOOD

50

Love for a brother

You are my brother.You are not another.You are 19How did you end up in the pinI want to know where me, you, and dad went wrong and how can we be stronger to be with each other.Just let me know how you beenwhen you write me those few linesin the pin.

— Anonymous

My sisters

I miss my sisters because one of them always complaining about everything she always tries to find a way to argue with me and pick a fight and my other sister always was telling me what to do and whats right for me and when I went on the run she was telling me to turn myself in.

— Anonymous

51

My Son

He is the best that happen to me in this world I hope I never get locked up AgainEspecially if they try to send me to the pin I feel like this county will try again To put me behind bars and Take my life I really hope his mom becomes My wifeAnd I will do anything in my might To protect him from any harm in life

When I see his pictures he looks just Like meCan’t wait to get out and be in the free Because once I’m out nobody gonna Stop meBecause I’m gonna do whatever to stay out these facilities And show these people that I’m able to be in The community

He is the one I love Even god the man above Knows that I’m being realHe knows how I really feel I will do anything for him Even kill Anybody who tries to take him from me And I don’t give a fuck for him I will Even hitThe penitentiary to see him Happy Forever live My history

— Anonymous

52

Uncle Told Me

Uncle A.G. told me, that if I choose to be out in the streets, I gotta have drugsthat I’m willing to bleed, cause niggas these days will take food just to eat, stand onyour toes fade ‘em all and barr none,if niggas try to hate, then show they ass where you from, if it comes to the point to where you gotta use your talent, go aheadand your talent, just don’t abuse your talent.

— Anonymous

My grandma Gloria

One of the reasons I picked cooking for my grandma Gloria is because she would always wake up in the morning and go straight to cooking breakfast for everybody in the house. She would make eggs with bacon and hashbrowns, and she would give me some orange juice for a drink!

Something that makes my grandma angry is whenever I always use to sneak out at night, she would literally go outside and start yelling my name to get me back inside.

— Anonymous

53

I remember

I remember when I was young and my mom didn’t have a job and our light was cut off. I remember playing hide n go seek and it was me and my sister and my brother and we played until we fell asleep. I remember waking up one morning and my mom was happy because she had found a good paying job.

— Anonymous

My brother Archy

My brother Archy we both have been arrested. That’s my strongest memory about him, that he’s been arrested. He got arrested for violating his probation. He’s in the free right now. I use to go visit him when he was locked up—for twelve years. He use to call me knucklehead. Once a month we go see him. Sometimes we were behind glass and a couple of times we were sitting next to each other. He might still be on probation.

— Anonymous

Q& A

56

What’s the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?

The first thing I would do is buy my son a lot of clothes and toys for when he grows up. The second thing I would do is buy me a car so I can go to my job and take my son to school. The third thing I would do is pay my mom’s bills for 2 months. The next thing I would do is get my own apartment and a lot of other stuff that I can’t say here today at this precise moment.

— Anonymous

What’s your favorite holiday?

My favorite holiday is Christmas because that’s when I tend to make money. People around the city order or buy expensive gifts for family or stuff. Christmas is the time when me and my boys struggle. That’s why we do what we know best, rob, steal, get money by any means necessary.

— Anonymous

57

Would you rather be poor and loved or rich and lonely?

Well I rather be loved and poor than have everything I want and lose all the people that love me over money and I rather be poor and have the people that love me with me by my side than have them away from me and them hate me because I got a lot of money and pushing them away. So I rather have them close to me. And be poor and loved.

— Anonymous

What do you like most about yourself?

What I like most about myself is I know how to draw, I know how to cut wire, and I know how to read people’s mind by looking at them. I like this about myself because I got some skills, and I know how to handle my business.

— Anonymous

I NEED TO SAYBEFORE

I GO

60

Dear Mom,

I’ve always wanted to tell you that I appreciate everything you done for me for killing your self out there in the world working for me to have clothes and food to eat. I never thought I would tell you this but let the truth be told.

— Anonymous

Dear Brother,

I want you to know how much I want to see you before I go and want to chill and catch up. Keep your head up and when you get out please do not go back to the same thing.

Love your bro,Anonymous

Dear Mom,

I love you. I want to tell you I miss you. I know we had our bad times in life. Know this for me.

You need to get out of here and stop getting into trouble and you need to stay in school and stay independent in life and you need to be a better person and stop trying to be gangsta.

— Anonymous

61

Dear Son,

I always wanted to tell you that I want you to be better than me. I never thought I would tell you this but I’m sorry for the time I wasted being locked up in my life you are the most important person in my life. It’s important that you know that I’m not the perfect role model that you see me as. Thank you for being such a good son and keeping me happy. I wish I had spent more time with you instead of focusing on football so much and hanging out with my friends, now I understand that you were way more important than playing football and chilling with my friends.

— Anonymous

Dear Mom,

Thank you for always being there for me. I always wanted to let you know that you’re the bestest mom anybody could ever have. I thank you for always supporting me, and putting a roof over my head, also you always kept clothes on my body. You’ve always gave me money to buy what I needed. And always being there for me whenever I needed to talk to somebody. I appreciate you always being by my side no matter what. And you’re always there when I have some problems or whenever I’m depressed. I love you mama you’re my best FRIEND!

— Anonymous

62

Dear Son,

1. I’ve always wanted to tell you that I love you a lot, later you are going to have more brothers and sisters, but you’re the 1 I love the most of all because you were my first child.

2. I never thought I would tell you this because I didn’t want your brothers and sisters to be mad and jealous from you, I still love them too but not as much as you.

3. In my life, you are the one I think about the most all the time, even when I was in jail and first wrote this for you, before I die.

4. It’s important that you know I regret getting locked up after you was born and that’s why I stayed out of trouble just for you mi hijo.

5. Thank you for coming to this world because without you, I would have been in prison or in my death bed before you turned this age.

6. I wish I had all the stuff that I gave you, but I didn’t because I was too busy messing up and selling drugs.

7. Now I understand how much a family is important and how they can change your life.

8. I been needing to get this off my chest, because I wanted to let you know how much you changed my life and to let you know to stay out of trouble because I don’t want you to be like me.

9. Take care of your mom and your family don’t let nobody put them in harm and keep them in a good place, like I had you all. Please be good and hope to see you when we get to heaven. I love you.

Sincerely, Anonymous, your father

63

Dear Baby,

I’ve always wanted to tell you that I love you. I never thought I would tell you this but I liked you since the first time I met you. In my life you are my number one girl. It’s important that you know I wanted to marry you. Thank you for being my best friend. I wish I had married you before this time is over with. Now I understand what love can do to you.

— Anonymous

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry that I put you through a lot of stress. You was a strong woman, we had our up and down and you still went off and got clothes and shoes. Gave me money when I asked.

— Anonymous

fastest poem ever

it’s go and come run and done

— Anonymous

DEAR TIME,

You piss me off because you go about so slow, then sometimes you wanna go fast. You seem to change on me. I hate the way you look, tick, tock, and confuse me. I hate doing time. You keep me from being with my family. You’re going to regret those times you were going slow when I get in the free. I’ll never forgive you for what I can’t get back. You make me anxious. Why do you act like you don’t really care even though you really do? What about me makes you not want to go faster? I can’t believe I got a few more weeks left. I can’t wait ‘til my time come.

Sincerely,The boys in Unit 8 Gardner Betts Juvenile Justice Center

CREATED IN PARTNERSHIP WITH THE AUSTIN PUBLIC LIBRARY’S SECOND CHANCE BOOKS PROGRAM