This is Section is Formatted Like Actual News Since Twitter is The Only Valid News Source Now - Boomers

As Potential TA Strike Became the Talk of the Campus, Their Stans Took the Conversation to Twitter

Dear DendritesWelcome to Dear Dendrites, where our team of registered psychotherapists works tirelessly to provide you with top-quality advice. For this issue, we’ll be diving into your teenage hearts’ truest desires. From deciding which clique you should join to maximizing your future career potential to realizing you’ve got the forbidden hots for a l*fe sci student, we’ve got the answers and intellect to spare.

Dear Dendrites,I sharted while doing yoga in my HABITS tutorial last week. I’m so embarrassed! What should I do?— Anita Schitt

Dear Anita,Make sure to bring it up during your next tutorial and go in a circle to ask how everyone felt about it. Turn your downward-dog disaster into yet another uncomfortable learning and discussion moment for the class.

Dear Dendrites,My boyfriend wants to try something called the “transverse supinated cowgirl” but I don’t think I can pull it off. Do you have any advice?- Regular Cowgirl

Dear Regular,Don’t do anything you’re not ready for. I would recommend starting off slow with a good ol’ fashioned hand holding. If you want to get real intimate, try sharing some personal childhood trauma, or your plan-B for when you don’t get into med school!

Dear Dendrites,I’m having a hard time making friends. The cool cell bio kids only sit with each other during class, and the last time I tried to talk to them they called me horse-girl and pushed me down the stairs. Any tips for meeting new people?- Clyde Sdale

Dear Clyde,Did you ever stop and think that maybe your presence was contributing to an unsafe space for everyone? Maybe pushing you down the stairs was a form of self-care? Just something to think about.

IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR US, CHECK OUT: bhscprocrastinator.com/advicecolumn

Top 3 No-No’s in Health Sci:

1

2

3

PROFS! THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!Spotted at Mac: Dr. Valis enjoying a meaty burger at Centro after enacting every proposed 3GG3 policy in real life. #Plagiarism

Elevator Music to My Ears:Fartleigh never takes the stairs to MDCL 2nd floor either. (But really, accessibility is important!)

Profs Also Read Mean Tweets:Whether it’s through Twitter or course evals, cyberbulling is never OK, OK? We’re serious.

Yes, that upper year anatomy TA might seem so dreamy, but don’t let his anatomy skills cloud your brain! Those

steamy, lustful looks across the cadaver carts don’t mean he wants you forever, he’ll just stick his pin in you, and leave you hanging!

Some medical students might post “undergraduate research opportunities” on Facebook, but don’t be

fooled! These opportunists are sketchy as hell. They will steal your work without crediting you and, honey, you ain’t never gonna be third author.

An estimated 20,000 homes in Hamilton are still using lead pipes. Lead tainted water has no taste or smell,

and lead particulates cannot be seen1. Drinking lead-poisoned water can seriously affect your health. Chronic exposure to lead can lead to damage to the central nervous and renal systems, learning disabilities, reduced growth, and ADD. Children are at a greater risk, due to their increased rates of lead absorption in comparison to adults. Pregnant women and women planning a pregnancy are at risk of passing built up lead from blood and bones to their unborn children2. If your home was built before 1960, you may be drinking water from lead pipes. Currently the city of Hamilton’s Corrosion Control program is working with homeowners to replace lead pipes. Additionally, orthophosphate has been added to Hamilton’s drinking water - an acid that creates a protective barrier on plumbing surfaces that can control the release of lead into drinking water3. If you’re living in an old student house and are concerned about the water, be sure to contact your landlord.

You won’'t believe #3!

1. DBAC: Now when we say DBAC, the Pulse is not the primary objective. The testosterone and body fluids of the Pulse create a suboptimal environment for hubby hunting. The real target is Booster Juice. Research has shown that exercise has a high correlation with feeling tired (r = 0.8) which, through a separate mediating pathway (p<0.005), correlates with being more agreeable. When those yummy mummies head over to Booster Juice, glistening with sweat and pheromones to fuel their weary muscles, the last thing they’re going to be ready for is you to shoot your shot.

2. Starbucks Line: It’s a scientific fact that sexual tension is the precursor of romance. Anxiety is just plain sexy, and we can’t think of a place that has more nervous energy than the MUSC Starbucks line. The worries of missing your classes, the heat of your parka, and the caffeine withdrawals are enough to make anyone want to just say “yes” to your advances. It’s just like that one middle school dance, only with ten times more optimal conditions and ten times less pee in your pants after touching a girl for the first time ever.

3. Campus Bookstore: Picture this: You see this hot young thing pick up a physics textbook.

They must be an intellectual, and smart is sexy. Wait, the textbook costs $300 dollars! Wow they must be fairly wealthy then. Hold up, they’re ALSO buying a campus sweater? So we’re not just talking money, this person has guap. You’ve been searching for brain and bank account your whole life, and finally they’re right in front of you.

4. Student Opportunity Facebook Group: If there’s ever been a breeding ground for the most vile, ruthless, depraved, not to mention sexy individuals on the internet, it’s McMaster student opportunity boards. Just type: “seeking research volunteer”, and you’ll have every suitor on campus knocking at your door. You’re welcome! 5. The Woods: People love walking by the woods at night to see the McMaster deer. Everyone fawns over them, so to capitalize on this market, you must become the deer. With only a small purchase of ~$69, you can create the perfect ensemble to trap those late night snap-chatters. By perching in the woods and tricking people into thinking you’re their 4-legged friend, you can wait for the perfect moment to flirtatiously ambush that future boo (results may vary).

BEST PLACES TO FIND A HUBBY ON CAMPUS

Dear Dendrites

Fellow pre-meds, it’s that time of year again; cuffing szn has arrived! All you want right now is someone to keep you warm in those cold, dark, quiet study areas. The “Chad” to your chadaver studies, the pipe to your pipetté. But alas, like students with an exam scheduled at Martyrs, you’re horribly lost and confused. Well, worry no longer because the ProcrasTEENator is here with a guide for the TOP 5 PLACES on campus to find that special BHSexy friend.

Top BHSc Supplementary Applications From the

Last 4 YearsWhether you’re an existing Healthsci wondering how your supp app measured up to others’, or a high-achieving high schooler snooping to find tips because your parents won’t pay someone to write it for you, the ProcrasTEENator is sure that you’ll find these leaks of the highest scoring BHSc applications enlightening.

The year is 2046, and you have just been elected as the new Mayor of the City of Hamilton, Ontario. What one bylaw, initiative, or policy do you hope to be able to get approved?

I would not be ‘mayor.’ I was already the mayor of my model city hall, not to mention the executive of 12 other clubs in my high school (see? I am already twelving!) including DECA, MUN, DTF, CNV, and Q2C. Instead, I would be a doctor in 2046, because I have wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can remember. I was the founding member and president of my preschool’s Premedical Society. I was so devastated when I found out that my elementary school didn’t have a research lab that I started dissecting my peers in the sandbox. I am very well-rounded because as well as being a snake and ruthless dictator leader in my community, I also have 8s in all of my IBAPOMG classes and I have so many transfer credits that I wouldn’t even need to go to class when I get into BHSc. I would excel because BHScs do reflections and I stare at mine every day. My only flaw is that I am a bit of a perfectionist. Anyway, I would legalize bestiality in Hamilton.

Tell us about a community you belong to, and why it is significant to you.

I love being a part of the furry community. Only Night’tiger Angelmask can furfill my desires. I hope to one day give Night’tiger my furginity. Nyan~! ;3

Please fill this space however you’d like.

Russ is a brilliant professor you are all lucky to have him

hi every1 im new!!!!!!! *holds up spork* my name is katy but u can call me t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m!!!!!!!! lol…as u can see im very random!!!! thats why i came...

ProcrasTEENator Reporter Gets Candid About their Beauty RegimeWith winter quickly approaching, skin is getting scalier faster than the snakes in your biochem group. So how do we, at the ProcrasTEENator, keep our skin clear and our lips luscious? Well most of us have yet to figure that out, but we did manage to convince one of our reporters, Chames Jarles, to share their beauty secrets with us.

On her everyday makeup look:Chames: I don’t really believe in wearing makeup on a daily basis, since I think all humans look best in our most natural form. What really matters is what’s on the inside, except for when I’m trying to get bonus Timbits from Tim’s. On keeping her skin soft in the winter:Chames: I like to bathe in cow’s milk once every fortnight at dusk. The feeling of triglycerides penetrating my skin is so rejuvenating, and I love reusing the milk after to bake cookies! It only took a few chemical burns and thousands of dollars spent on shady imports but I am

grateful that I have finally found a Holy Grail solution I can rely on. Another benefit of my bath is the weight I lose from my body’s natural reaction to accidentally swallowing the milk, since I’m lactose-intolerant. I think it is truly awe-inspiring that my body and nature’s produce work together in such harmony – Mother Nature really wants me to remain a skinny queen! On her lack of eye bags:Chames: Once a year, I go out into the Ainslie Woods with a young animal and an old book I found in a kitchen cupboard of my student house. After sacrificing the animal, I take its blood while reading from page – The interview was abruptly cut short by an HSL librarian barging into the study room, saying she caught our club meeting red-handed. Chames Jarles was never seen again, but their roommate says their bathroom smells like spoiled milk once every fortnight.

Now that you’ve taken a breather, OUR EDITORS AND CONTRIBUTORS REMIND YOU TO

PLEASEGET BACK TO WORK

Sponsored by the:Michelle YaoMaaz MuhammadHadi TehfeJudy Zhou

Celina LiuEric GeDavid Key

Nicole LorencezAlbert ZhaoOliver ChowOlivia Mendoza

Want to waste more time with us?Visit us online atBHScProcrastinator.com

HorrorscopesARIES

The stars are aligning for you! Your next

group project will yield interesting results for your

future. Perhaps a new lover is in the cards?

TAURUSYou’ve been working so

hard lately! Make sure to not stop working hard, those autobiographical

sketches won’t fill themselves out!

GEMINIBoys can be confusing! They’re all like, “I don’t want to do the

references for this presentation,” even though the references aren’t even that hard, like ugh, what’s up with that? If you’re sending mixed

signals, be truthful with your crush! He’ll appreciate your honesty and

do the references himself.

CANCERTake a risk this month! Finish that 4X03 POA

that’s a month anda half late already!No one will notice.

LEOYour BFF is being distant :(. Turns

out you’re crushing on the same PI! Uh-oh! Talk to her and make sure she understands that no one will

stand between you and that NSERC research position you’ve been

chasing for the last three months. Friendship is temporary, research is

forever. Stay strong!

VIRGOWhen you face an obstacle this

month, take the easy way out. Trust me, it’s way easier that

way. They’re always like, “Work hard to get what you want!”

But believe me, that takes like, WAY more effort.

LIBRAThe new season means it’s

time for a new wardrobe! Stop wearing exclusively BHSc merch and sweatpants to

lectures. You’d be surprised how much fun new look will keep your spirits up for the cold weather (and Life Scis

will hate you less)!

SCORPIOThe crush you’ve had your eye

on since September will start to notice you. Or not, I can never tell when people are just playing with my feelings or when they’re being

genuine. Someone please help me I’m so lonely.

SAGITTARIUSThat boy you’ve had a crush

on since forever might just be coming around this month!

Make sure to keep on going to Health Policy lectures, you might just see him there! You

do go to Health Pol, right?

CAPRICORNLet your creative side shine! Direct

a play, record a song, keep a dream journal, write subpar satire for a

niche BHSc-centric magazine with a tiny target demographic and a dysfunctional editorial team. We

took photos cosplaying as BTS last week, for god’s sake! What am I

doing with my life?

AQUARIUSYour friends mean

everything to you, and that’s awesome! That

way, when you apply for executive positions within

their clubs, you’ll have a head start! Networking!

PISCESWhen you’re unsure about something this month, make sure to consult The Procrastinator’s advice column, Dear

Dendrites. Their panel of award-winning satire writers, comprised of the smartest

minds from the most prestigious undergraduate program in Canada, will

help guide you along the journey that you are taking. Check out their work at bhscprocrastinator.com/advicecolumn