Dealing with Difficult People

Trying to do your Job in an Age of Narcissism

Why the problem?

• Parents see their child as a peer• There is confusion about the role of

the parent• Parents see themselves as the

child’s attorney• Parents are busy/tired• Service industry philosophy

The Fragile Family

• Inappropriately involved in child’s affairs

• Parent/legal defender• Expectations unrealistic: child is

either helpless or gifted/entitled• Sense of entitlement• Parent self-centered

Fragile Families

• Parent special/child special• Seek privilege or exemption

(testing behavior)• Assume right to criticize rules,

authority• Become intrusive in the school• Enraged when slighted

Parents want to know….

• How do I discipline my child?• How do I manage my child?• How do I raise my child?• How do I help my child to learn?• How do I enforce the rules that I set?• How do I monitor my child’s

activities and friends?

Our Response:

• How do I draw boundaries?• How do I avoid placating behavior?• How do I avoid overreacting?• How do I want this to end?

Check Communication Skills• It’s folly to invite large numbers to a

“gripe session”.• Have small-group coffees to listen• Keep the lines open• Inform, inform, inform• Watch body language, off-hand

remarks• What happens in school is curriculum...

Problems occur when:

• We fail to communicate• We make unwarranted

assumptions• We don’t listen attentively• Our nonverbals obviate our verbals• We don’t check for understanding• We have to deal with conflict

Pay attention to communication

“You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.”

-Sam Levinson

Some tips:

• Use face-to-face• Make sure conclusions are clear• Listen, listen, listen• Practice what you preach• Ask pertinent questions• PAY ATTENTION!

Some more tips:

• Pick up on key words, feelings• Use silence to your advantage• Ask permission• Don’t assume; check it out• Don’t get hooked on another’s

anger

What do we tell parents?

• Our homework policy

• Our behavioral expectations

• Our grading policy

• How we insert and incorporate Christian values

• Our outcomes• How we want to

be contacted• What supplies

students need• Importance of

presence and promptness

What do we ask parents?

• What does your child do in his/her spare time?

• What hobbies or collections does he/she have?

• How does your child like to learn?

• Where does your child like to sit?

• What special talents does your child have?

• Special needs?• How long does it

take your child to do homework?

Understand:

• Most parents are really doing the best they can;

• Many parents are themselves stressed;• Many parents feel isolated and that they

have no one to help them;• Many parents and teachers react when

they should reflect.

Dealing with Difficult Colleagues

How to welcome and love conflict

Creative Leaders Welcome Conflict• … as long as it’s legitimate• … as long as it results in synergy• ...as long as it invites commitment

and investment• … as long as it represents win-win• … as long as it’s an opportunity

Dealing with Colleagues

• Make sure you have a role in the resolution: “What do I need to do?” “What do you need to do?”

• Watch out for hidden agendas

• Don’t allow stress to rule

• Make sure you’re colleagues, not competitors

Dealing with Children

• It’s often not their fault• Kids will be kids:

– Impulsive– Excitable– Attention-deprived– Self-insufficient– Unable to separate– Looking for love in all the wrong places

SAVE YOURSELF

TIPS FOR PREVENTING THE SHARKS FROM PUTTING YOU ON THEIR MENU

SAVE YOURSELF!

• Don’t play their games• Know when to walk away…• Love thy neighbor as thy slippers• Your funnybone: use it or lose it• Who cares? FIDO• Leave town

• Avoid spitting contests• Be a magnet, not flypaper• Don’t buy a cow to get a glass of

milk• Retire from the Supreme Court• Learn from the tortoise• Pin a medal on your shirt

SAVE YOURSELF!

The power of a teacher

I have come to a frightening conclusion; I am the decisiveelement in the classroom. It is my personal approach thatcreates the class. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher I possess tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of tortureor an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decideswhether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a childwill be humanized or de-humanized.-Haim Ginott

Some Thoughts on Bullying:• 30% of students grades 6-10 involved• We blur the line between bullying and

and competitive behavior• Bullying has a negative experience on

the object of the bully• Addressing bullying must be in the

context of normal interactions, but intervention must occur when the bullying occurs.

More thoughts on bullying:

• Students need attention, power, love and competence; bullies lack these.

• Remember that boys’ play is aggressive; distinguish play from bullying

• Avoid zero tolerance; it equals zero flexibility

• Bullies start early;may be related to research on daycare

Bullying:

• May be a sign of a spiritual crisis

• Bullies have keen empathic skills, but treat the other as an object

• We teach empathy by modeling it ourselves

• Caring must be experienced and taught, even beyond the classroom

• Use Gospel stories to teach empathy

They need:

• Attention• Individuality• Talent scouts• Patience• Care