DEALING WITH DIFFICULT AND DEMANDING STUDENTS

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PresenterPresenterTravis L. Brown, M. EdTravis L. Brown, M. EdDirector of Student Financial ServicesDirector of Student Financial Services

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT AND DEMANDING STUDENTS: THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO!!!

What we will cover:

Our perceptions of Difficult Students

What are they really conveying to us?

H d d l ith th ? How do you deal with them?

Sharing of Best Practices: This will involve YOU!

What are our perceptions of

Difficult Students?

Lazy person – “They waited to thelast minute now..the want me torespond with the utmost urgency\

Slow learner – “I have repeatedmyself for the 10th !@#$ time &they don’t get it.

Momma’s Boy/Daddy’s Girl –“Now I have the parent calling mebecause they are not responsibleenough to follow my instructions.”

Repeat Offender – “What is he/sheupset about now?”

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What are they really conveying to us?

Top Five things they convey

1. HELP! I want your help.

2. I DON’T Understand. I am unclear on your jargon and need you to reiterate

3. BAD Customer S i O d Service Occurred. Here is my issue and my advisor is not responding.

4. I am giving you a SMOKE SCREEN about my issues. Other items that contribute to their concerns within our

department (i.e. selected to verification, parents going through divorce. )

5. Here’s an Opportunity to fix a mistake!

How do you deal with them?

It Starts with YOU. (The Resident Expert)

Accept what you can and cannot control.

R li Realize your power.

Refuse to be a victim

Resist seeking Revenge

Consider what you contribute

Model Success

* This information was taken from Dealing with Difficult People : 83 Ways to Stay Calm, Composed, and in Control by Susan Fee

How do you deal with them? Cont’d….

Communicate Assertively

Respect individual rights

Own your message

Confront the behavior, not the person.

Make your point without qualifying it.

Establish boundaries

Maintain eye contact

Monitor your Volume

This information was taken from Dealing with Difficult People : 83 Ways to Stay Calm, Composed, and in Control by Susan Fee

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Manage Your Emotions

Accept responsibility

Give yourself permission to feel.

Experience without JUDGING!

Avoid going to extremes.

Interrupt the cycle.



Calm Angry Situations

Stay Composed

Seek to understand first.

Paraphrase to increase d di

Step Aside

Encourage time‐limited venting.

understanding.

Check perceptions.

Introduce facts carefully

Drop defensiveness.

Narrow concerns.

Clarify intentions.

Focus on the future.

Apologize when appropriate.



Reduce Stress

Set Reasonable goals.

Monitor your thoughts.

Listen to your body.

Learn when to say “No.”

Let go of guilt.

Replace Unhealthy habits. Listen to your body. Replace Unhealthy habits.


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Rebuild Relationships (Whether you’re Dr. Phil or Oprah Winfrey)

Acknowledge Past Mistakes.

Move Forward.

Create a Mutual Plan.

Negotiate Boundaries

Build Trust

Commit Fully.


Share Expectations. Know when to let go.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Please Share your Best PracticesPlease Share your Best Practices

Additional Reading Sources

“Dealing with Difficult People: 83 Ways to Stay Calm, Composed, and in Control”Author Susan Fee

“Dealing with Difficult People” author Roberta Cava “10 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Employees” author Debra Condren, Ph. D.

Thanks for allowing me to Share Thanks for allowing me to Share with you on Today!!!!!with you on Today!!!!!

Dealing WithDifficultPeople

83 Ways to StayCalm, Composed,

and in Control

by Susan Fee

DEALING WITHDIFFICULT PEOPLE

83 WAYS TO STAY CALM,COMPOSED, AND IN

CONTROL

Introduction

Dealing with difficult people can be challenging!Their behavior is often offensive andcondescending leaving you emotionally andphysically drained, and distracting you fromfocusing on more important issues. You may endup feeling angry, resentful, and stressed. But,difficult people can also serve a positivepurpose. Think of them as teachers, and thelessons they share are all about you. Everyencounter teaches you about your ownstrengths, weaknesses, hot buttons, andboundaries. Once you learn the lesson, difficultpeople cease being a problem in your life.

You are a teacher too; you teach others how totreat you by what you allow. This is a powerfulconcept that is not intended to place blame orshame, but rather to reinforce that you have thepower to change your outcome! There’s noguarantee that somebody will stop beingdifficult, but you get to decide whether thatperson will negatively impact your life.

Deciding to take responsibility for your outcomeis the first step. Difficult people will continue tocross boundaries and chisel away at your selfesteem until you decide it’s no longeracceptable. Use the tips in this booklet to takeback control, communicate more effectively,and liberate yourself from the difficult people inyour life!

83 WAYS TO STAY CALM, COMPOSED, AND IN CONTROLDEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

About the Author

Susan Fee is a licensed counselor and serves asadjunct faculty for several colleges teachinginterpersonal communication, public speaking,and psychology. She is also a corporate trainerand executive business coach offeringcustomized programs on communication skills,conflict resolution, and managing youremotions.

Susan is the author of Positive First Impressions:83 Ways to Establish Confidence, Competence, andTrust and My Roommate Is Driving Me Crazy! SolveConflicts, Set Boundaries, and Survive the CollegeRoommate from Hell (Adams Media).

For more information on Susan’s services,books, and products visit www.susanfee.com orwww.myroommateisdrivingmecrazy.com.

Table of Contents

1. It Starts With You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

2. Communicate Assertively . . . . . . . . . . . 2

3. Manage Your Emotions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

4. Calm Angry Situations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

5. Handle Threats . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10

6. Reduce Stress . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11

7. Rebuild Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 14


© 2005 Susan Fee. All rights reserved. No portion ofthis publication may be reproduced, excerpted, orused in any way without the expressed writtenpermission of the publisher.


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It Starts With You

1 Accept what you can and cannotcontrol. The more you attempt tocontrol the actions of others, the morefrustrated and helpless you will feel. Theonly person you have control over isyou.

2 Realize your power. You can influenceany relationship by how you choose torespond, even without the cooperationof the other person. The tiniest ofchanges creates a ripple effect causingothers to respond differently too.

3 Refuse to be a victim. Blaming othersfor your misery means you have alsomade them responsible for yourhappiness. Instead of waiting to changeuntil other people do, reclaim yourpower and determine your ownoutcome.

4 Resist seeking revenge. Trying to “getback” or cause other people to sufferkeeps you connected to them innegative ways. Harboring resentmentrequires you to stay angry and isultimately self-destructive. Instead, seekto better yourself.

5 Ask a different question. Ifyou want a different result,ask a different question.Asking questions like, “Whydoes this person keep doing this tome?” keeps you thinking like a victim.A more powerful question is, “Whatcan I do for myself right now to improvemy situation?”

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6 Shift your focus. Constantlycomplaining about difficult people

(even when theyare not around)takes a lot ofenergy, eventually

leaving you depleted. Instead, focus onpeople and activities that give youenergy.

7 Consider what you contribute. Norelationship is one-sided and no one canpush your buttons unless you revealyour control panel! What you allow,you teach.

8 Pay attention to patterns. Are you amagnet for difficult people? Recurringlife patterns are a reflection of yourcommunication habits. They can helpteach you what to do differently sohistory does not repeat itself.

9 Model success. Notice when you dealeffectively and positively with others.What changes when you are arounddifficult people? Monitor the differencesin your communication style and consis-tently emphasize the skills you useduring successful interactions.

Communicate Assertively

10 Respect individual rights. Assertivecommunicators respect their own rightsand the rights of others. Speakingassertively is taking ownership of yourfeelings and requests. Aggressivecommunicators violate the rights ofothers by blaming and refusing to listen.Passive communicators allow their rightsto be ignored by not speaking up.

11 Own your message. Starting sentenceswith “you” as in, “You make me somad!” comes across as accusatory andcan make the other person reactdefensively. Instead, own your messagewith “I” as in, “When this occurs, Ifeel angry.”

12 Establish boundaries. Determine whattreatment you consider to beacceptable and unacceptable andconsistently communicate it throughyour words and actions. If you nevershare your boundaries with others theywill not know when they have crossedthe line.

13 Confront the behavior, not the person.Separate the person from the problemby defining what he or she is doing (ornot doing) that is causing difficulty.Behavior is a choice and can beadapted whereas expecting people tochange their core personality isunreasonable.

14 Make your point without qualifying it.Phrases such as, “Maybe I don’tknow what I’m talking about,” or“ This may be a stupid question,”undermine your abilities in the minds ofothers and make you sound lessconfident.

15 Eliminate fillers. Words such as, “um,”“like,” or “you know,” muddle yourmessage and make you sound unsure ofyourself. Pause in place of using fillersto command attention.


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16 Drop tag questions. Ending sentenceswith, “Okay?” or “Is that alright?”weakens your message. Ask forfeedback by saying, “That’s myopinion, what’s yours?”

17 Kick “but.” Saying, “I respect youbut…” sounds contradictory because“but” cancels out whatever precedesit. Deliver a consistent message byreplacing “but” with “and” as in: “Irespect you and I need some things tochange.”

18 Stop trying and start doing. The word“ t ry” communicates a lack of commitment.You’ll be taken seriously when youstop trying and start doing.

19 Speak at the proper rate. Fast talkerscan be perceived as being nervous ordishonest, while slow talkers can beperceived as unintelligent. Speak at arate of approximately 150 words perminute. Figure out your rate by reading150 words from a magazine out loudand timing yourself.

20 Monitor your volume. Speaking toosoftly detracts from your message andcommunicates weakness. Speak loudlyenough so that people can hear you thefirst time, but not so loudly that it makesthem back away.

21 Avoid uptalk. Statements delivered withan upward pitch sound as if you arequestioning yourself. This confusing wayof speaking is referred to as “uptalk”or “valley girl.” Speak with authorityby ending statements with a downwardpitch.

22 Match your words with your actions.When speech and body language areinconsistent, we believe what we seeover what we hear. Actions really dospeak louder than words.

23 Maintain eye contact. Look directly intothe eyes of the person you areaddressing. Shifting your gazeanywhere else makes your message lessbelievable.

24 Perfect your posture. Stand and sit upstraight. Posture speaks volumes aboutyour confidence level.

Manage Your Emotions

25 Accept responsibility. As an adult, noone can make you feel a certain waywithout your permission. Blaming othersfor “making” you feel guilty, angry, orsad is an indication that yo u ’ ve turnedyour power over to them.

26 Give yourself permission to feel.Unexpressed emotions build until theyrule you in unintended ways. You maybecome irritable and tense, cryunexpectedly, or snap at others.Acknowledging your emotions helpsyou stay in control by letting you choosewhen and how to release them.

27 Experience without judging. Emotionsare neither good nor bad, neither rightnor wrong. Feeling a certain way doesnot make you a good or bad person.Emotions are simply an honestassessment of what you are experi-encing in the moment.


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28 Use the information. Feelings arepowerful resources to help guide you indecisions regarding comfort level,personal safety, motivation, impulsecontrol, empathy, and relationships. Payattention to their messages.

29 Identify the feeling. Experiencing aflood of emotions can be overwhelming.Focus on the most intense feeling,describe it, and define it as best youcan. Once you name it, you can beginto manage it.

30 Acknowledge early warnings. Ignoringuncomfortable feelings does not makethem go away, only grow more intense.Pay attention to your body’s earlywarning signals like stomach flutters,racing heart, muscle tension, and thewhispers of instinct.

31 Recognize triggers.What happens rightbefore you becomeemotionally charged? Knowing whattriggers your hot buttons will teach youwhen to interrupt your pattern ofresponse and do something differentlybefore you feel overwhelmed.

32 Avoid going to extremes. Behavior thatis repeated excessively to the point ofreaching extremes may be an attemptto mask uncomfortable feelings. If youare exercising to the point ofexhaustion, overspending, or workingtoo much, ask yourself, “What feelingam I trying to avoid right now?”

33 Respond responsibly. No matter whatyou are feeling, you always have a

choice in how to respond. Feelingangry is not an excuse to express it inways that may be harmful to yourself orothers.

34 Interrupt the cycle.Creating space betweenrecognizing your feelingsand responding to themwill help you feel more in control. Takea deep breath, go for walk, exercise inmoderation, listen to music, or doanything else that gives you time tochoose the best response.

35 Concentrate on deep breathing. Calmdown immediately by shifting yourattention to deep breathing. Inhalethrough your nose, expanding yourdiaphragm (your belly will push outslightly, but your shoulders should notmove). Exhale through your mouth,doubling the time it took for your inhale.

36 Write in a journal. Putting your feelingsdown on paper provides distance and anew perspective. Write the truth withoutworrying how other people might react.This is a private journal for your eyesonly. Keep it in a safe place.

Calm Angry Situations

37 Stay composed. The most effective wayto de-escalate an angry person is tostay calm. Matching anger with angerincites more of the same and signals tothe other person how to push yourbuttons.

38 Seek to understand first. Listen withoutjudgment or interruption until you fullyunderstand the other person’s


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message. Responding too soon will fuelthe anger.

39 Paraphrase to increase understanding.Once a person is done talking, restatehis or her main concerns to make sureyou understand.

40 Check perceptions. People becomeangry when they perceive a situation tobe unfair, feel a loss of control, sensefear, or experience deep frustration.Your perception of reality may differdramatically from the other person’s,so make no assumptions.

41 Offer empathy. See it through the eyesof the other person and attempt tounderstand what he or she is experi-encing. Even if you have shared similarexperiences, avoid saying, “I knowhow you feel.” You’ll never knowexactly how someone else is feeling.Instead say, “It sounds like yo u ’ refeeling frustrated,” or “I can onlyimagine how you must be feeling.”

42 Introduce facts carefully. As emotionalintensity increases, one’s ability toreason decreases, making it difficult tolisten to the facts. Telling angry peoplethey are being irrational is wastedenergy and can even escalate thesituation. Offer empathy first, factssecond.

43 Drop defensiveness. Becoming defensivetakes the focus off the angry person andputs it on you. Soon, you become theproblem instead of the other person’sbehavior.

44 Step aside. Angry remarks can feel likeverbal daggers. Instead of acknowl-edging them, imagine stepping asideand letting them hit the ground. If youcatch the dagger and throw it back, thebattle continues.

45 Encourage time-limited venting.Blowing off steam can bebeneficial, but if it becomesan unending rant, angrypeople can grow increasinglyagitated because they start obsessing.Limit their venting to two minutes beforenarrowing concerns.

46 Narrow concerns. Once a person vents,narrow down many concerns to themost important by asking, “Out ofeverything you mentioned, what’s thenumber one thing you want to focus onsolving right now?”

47 Clarify intentions. Help containunfocused ranting by asking a person toclarify the intention of the conversation.What outcome is he or she hoping for?

48 Focus on the future. Avoid dwelling onthe past since you can’t change it.Focus on what needs to change in thefuture in order to prevent furtherproblems.

49 Apologize when appropriate. Admitmistakes immediately. Sincere apologiesrequire accepting responsibility for youractions without making excuses,acknowledging how your actionsaffected others, and committing tospecific changes for the future.


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Handle Threats

50 Take threats seriously. Threats are away of instilling fear through intimi-dation. Examples include comments ornotes regarding your physical safety,job security, harming others, orproperty damage. Do not botherconfirming whether the action wasintended as a threat. What matters ishow it made you feel.

51 Report the behavior. Not every threatwill be acted upon, but most acts ofretribution or violence begin as threats.Document and report all threats to theproper authorities.

52 Maintain an appropriate distance.Touching an angry person orapproaching too quickly can signal anattack, escalating threats to a physicallevel.

53 Get support. Never put yourself in asituation where you are alone withsomeone who is making threats.Attempting to appease a person byagreeing to meet alone is dangerousand reinforces the threatening behavior.

54 Have an exit strategy. Maintain accessto an exit and know how you will leavethe situation if necessary.

55 Allow the other person to save face.Challenging threats increases thelikelihood a person will act on them inorder to avoid shame andembarrassment. Allow the individual tosave face (escape embarrassment) inthe moment by focusing on problemsolving rather than drawing attention tothe threat.

56 Direct the conversation. A statementfollowed immediately by a questionallows you to assert your boundarieswhile offering a way to save face. Forexample, “I am willing to listen to youand problem solve as long as thethreats stop now. What issue do youwant to discuss first?” Note that if you onlymake a statement, it will come off as athreat.

Reduce Stress

57 Set reasonable goals. Even thoughdealing with difficult people can bestressful, it can also motivate you tomake positive changes. Start by settingreasonable goals. Limit conversations,phone calls, e-mails, and topics you arewilling to discuss with them.

58 Listen to your body. Unhealthy levels ofstress can take a physical toll. Examplesinclude headaches, stomach upset,muscle tension, reoccurring injuries, hairloss, or disruptions in eating and sleeppatterns. These symptoms are yourbody ’s warning signals to makechanges now.

59 Monitor your thoughts. Obsessingabout people and situations that arestressful leads to more stress becausewhat you focus on expands. Thinkabout what you want more of in yourlife and what you can do to achieve it.

60 Align values with actions. Determinewhat you value in life and support itwith behavior. Saying you believe onething and then doing the oppositecreates stress. If you say you value yourwell-being, take actions to support it.


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61 Learn when to say, “No.” Every time yousay yes in order to please others, youare saying no to yourself.

62 Let go of guilt. What are the reasons foryour guilt? If it’s about something youregret, then apologize and behavedifferently in the future. If you arefeeling guilty for not living up to theimage and expectations others havedetermined for you, let it go.

63 Choose friends wisely. Determine thepeople you want in your life by how youfeel after being with them. Do you feelbetter or worse? Associating withpeople who make you feel worse onlyadds to your stress.

64 Turn off technology. Informationoverload keeps you fromtruly decompressing. Goone day without turning onyour phone, TV, radio, orcomputer and see what happens.

65 Engage in hobbies. Remind yourself ofwhat you like to do that brings you joy,comfort, and satisfaction. Usually, themore stressed you become, the less youengage in such activities. Making timefor hobbies will help you feel morebalanced.

66 Discover new passions. Continuing togrow and learn keeps you excitedabout life. Mastering new skills boostsconfidence. When you feel good aboutyourself, you attract more positivepeople into your life.

67 Schedule a massage. Treat yourself tothis luxury, it’s worth every penny.You’ll feel pampered, relaxed, andrejuvenated.

68 Replace unhealthy habits.Overindulging in food, alcohol, or drugsmay offer temporary relief, but ends upmaking you feel worse physically andemotionally. Replace unhealthy habitswith improved nutrition and increasedexercise.

69 Create a stress-emergency kit. Preparea personalized kit of items that you cancount on for an instant moodadjustment. Examples include favoritepictures, CDs, inspiring quotes, scentedcandles, phone number of a goodfriend, or small art/craft projects.

70 Volunteer. The quickest way to make adifference in your life is to help make adifference in someone else’s. Choosea cause that supports your values; investyour energy and watch it multiply inways you never expected.

71 Adopt a pet. There’s nothing like theunconditional love of an animal.

72 Spend time in nature. Get inspired bynature ’ s resiliency. Despite repeatedexposure to fires, harsh weather, andhuman destruction, it stillmanages to survive andthrive. So can you.

73 Talk to a counselor.Chronic stress can make you feel likeyo u ’ re in a black hole with no lifeline.Talking to a counselor can help youlearn ways to help yourself.


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74 Forgive. Holding a grudge anchors youin the past while forgivingallows you to moveforward. It’s a gift yougive yourself, not the otherperson. Forgiveness does not excusepast actions or mean that you willforget, only that you release yourselffrom dwelling on past anger.

Rebuild Relationships

75 Gain mutual support. Both people mustwant to rebuild a damaged relationshipand commit to making changes. If youare the only one willing to do this, godirectly to the last tip.

76 Acknowledge past mistakes. The bestpredictor of future behavior is pastbehavior. In order for the relationshippattern to change, past mistakes mustbe acknowledged.

77 Move forward. Once mistakes havebeen addressed, do not dwell on thepast or use it as ammunition in momentsof weakness. Focus on how you wantthings to be different in the future.

78 Create a mutual plan. Change requiresactively choosing new ways to interact.Mutually create a plan for what you willdo differently to prevent anotherbreakdown.

79 Share expectations. Relationshipsderail when expectations are assumedrather than communicated. Describeexpectations in terms of behavior sothat each person understands what theother is thinking.

80 Negotiate boundaries. Discuss whatbehavior is fair and what’s off-limits.Establish consequences for actions thatcross the line. If you continue to spendtime with a person who treats youpoorly, you teach that the behavior isacceptable.

81 Build trust. The only way to build trustis to demonstrate consistent behaviorover time.

82 Commit fully. Improving badrelationships is not easy, so you shouldexpect challenges and setbacks. Bothindividuals must choose to commit fully,exploring every option before calling itquits.

83 Know when to let go. Not everyrelationship with a difficult person canbe saved. If you reach a point whereyou are investing more energy andeffort than you could ever hope toreceive in return, it’s time to cut tiesand go your separate ways.


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10 Tips to Promote YOURBusiness with this Booklet!

(It can even be customized for you.)

1 Use this booklet for staff trainings toimprove customer relations and increasesales.

2 Decrease potential conflicts, stress, andemployee turnover by giving every newhire a copy of this booklet.

3 Include this booklet with your product orservices as a value-added bonus.

4 Create a unique product sales piece bycustomizing this booklet to promote yourbusiness and purchasing a licensingagreement from Susan Fee.

5 Give this booklet as an incentive forcompleting a questionnaire or survey.

6 Offer this booklet as a gift to the first“ X” amount of people who enter adrawing or come to your store.

7 Provide this booklet free with anypurchase during a specific time, with acertain purchase amount, or whenopening a new account.

8 Encourage trade show and conventiontraffic by offering this booklet at yourbooth.

9 Provide copies of this booklet to peopleand organizations that can refer businessto you.

10 Package this booklet with a notethanking a client or individual for helpingyou.

NOTES


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Documents

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT AND DEMANDING STUDENTS