DC paper 2.docxby Callie Mickelson

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TIME SUBMITTED 30-OCT-2016 09:07AM

SUBMISSION ID 728917451

WORD COUNT 1292

CHARACTER COUNT 5587

DC_PAPER_2.DOCX (14.97K)

a person

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So you disagree with Wortham? That'sclear, but a reader has to put the piecestogether. You don't have a clear thesisstatement in your intro paragraphs. Tryout one of the templates from Chapter 4!

Citat ion Needed 4 These datingapps have7

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Unnecessary Explet ive

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Frag.

Repet it ive

Vague LanguageRepet it ive

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This point seems repetitive. Combine paragraphs.

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Since you come back to your concession from the third paragraph here, this isanother indication that you should save your concession paragraph for theend. That's actually a good place for a concession!

However,

Ah,yourthesis issomuchclearer attheendofthepaperthanthebeginning.Usethattorevise

yourintro!

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13%SIMILARITY INDEX

10%INTERNET SOURCES

0%PUBLICATIONS

13%STUDENT PAPERS

1 5%

2 4%

3 3%

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DC paper 2.docxORIGINALITY REPORT

PRIMARY SOURCES

Submitted to Abilene Christian UniversityStudent Paper

Submitted to Holyoke Community CollegeStudent Paper

Submitted to Columbia Basin CollegeStudent Paper

Submitted to Foothill-De Anza CommunityCollege DistrictStudent Paper

Submitted to College of the CanyonsStudent Paper

FINAL GRADE

/100

DC paper 2.docxGRADEMARK REPORT

GENERAL COMMENTS

Instructor

Callie,

I'll be honest-- this paper isn't the strongest, andaf ter reading it, I wonder if that is because you ranout of points and f elt like you didn't know how todevelop it. Is that at all accurate? The reason I thinkthis is because af ter the f irst six or so paragraphsof your paper, ideas are repeated and some ideashardly seem relevant to an argument about startinga relationship online.

First, I'd suggest we talk about this paper. Let's setup a time to meet using the phone or Collaborate. Since you do have a def inite argument, I think wemight be able to start there and talk through yourideas and get you to a place where you can developyour ideas more ef f ectively. Like I said in the paper,the basic ideas of the f irst f ive paragraphs arestrong; they just need developed!

So when can we meet?

Also, I'd suggest taking some time bef ore we talk toreconsider and revise your introduction. Right now,the ideas are there, but they don't f low togetherwell. Try looking at the Introduction handout f romWeek 6. The "Create a Context" or "Respond toOthers" introduction works really well f or this paper. Check that out and see if you can use that as amodel f or your own ideas.

Finally, make sure you avoid "you" in academicwrit ing. In general, you aren't speaking directly to anaudience, so "you" is f rowned upon. Choose nouns

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like "a person" or "an app user."

This paper does need some work, but I think you canget to where you need to be. Let's have thatconversation soon so you can start out on the rightf oot f or Paper 3!

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Text Comment. a person

Comment 1

Give the author's name! Notice how much more specif ically you can pinpoint Wortham'sargument by using her name in these sentences: "In the essay, I had a Nice T ime with YouTonight. ON the App., Jenna Wortham discusses online relationships. She asks whether onlinerelationships are real or..."

Missing ","Missing comma:Though it may not always be grammatically necessary, a comma can of ten help to prevent amisreading. When a sentence opens with an introductory element (a phrase, clause or word thatis logically related to another phrase or clause in the same sentence), it is a great help to yourreader to place a comma af ter that introductory element. Such phrases will of ten begin withwords like "because," "while" or "although," as in the f ollowing example: "While everyone wasf ighting, the bear wandered away." As you can see, without the comma, the sentence would beconf using.

You

Avoid "you!"

Connect Quotes

Connect quotes to your own sentences, even if you just use "She wrote..." or "He said..."

Comment 2

Work on the connection between sentences. For example, "A reader might wonder, '3,000miles!? How could she possible really know her boyf riend?' However, Wortham asserts thatthey have a close relationship."

Comment 3

Partly because there is no thesis, it 's hard to tell if your f irst paragraph or your f irst two

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Partly because there is no thesis, it 's hard to tell if your f irst paragraph or your f irst twoparagraphs are your introduction.

Text Comment. So you disagree with Wortham? That's clear, but a reader has to put thepieces together. You don't have a clear thesis statement in your intro paragraphs. Try out oneof the templates f rom Chapter 4!

Citation Needed

Cite this.

Additional Comment

If you looked up this number of people, you should cite.

Comment 4

Meaning there have been sixty nine shows? Or that in all the episodes, sixty-nine people haveappeared that have been catf ished? Revise the sentences. Also, cite!

Text Comment. These dating apps have

Strikethrough.

Strikethrough.

Comment 7

Use stronger language here. All the "theys" are vague. For example, "These dating apps use nosecurity systems to make sure applicants really are looking f or romantic relationships."

Strikethrough.

You

Avoid "you!"

Additional Comment

I'll stop marking this, but avoid "you" throughout the whole paper.

spSpelling error:

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Comment 9

From the organization of your paragraphs, it seems that you're going to concede your pointand then come back to the possibility that people can be harmed online by activit ies likecatf ishing. Do you see that? Instead, you come to a new negative point-- the loss of emotion.

I'm suggesting that you reconsider your organization so that this assumption doesn't happen. Maybe you could move the catf ishing paragraph? Or perhaps you could have a paragraph onemotion bef ore this one?

Cap. ErrorCapitalization

Unnecessary Expletive

"There is/was/were/are" is called an "expletive" in grammar. Notice how this sentence could besimpler and more straightf orward without the expletive.

Unnecessary Expletive

"There is/was/were/are" is called an "expletive" in grammar. Notice how this sentence could besimpler and more straightf orward without the expletive.

Additional Comment

"A person misses out on so many things when using an app."

Comment 10

Who? Notice how of ten you use the pronouns "you" and "they." Try to use concrete nouns toreplaces these more of ten. For example, "App users are more likely to miss the opportunity tosee how a partner handles stress."

Comment 11

OK, a f ew points, based on the last f ew paragraphs:

1. It 's now clear that your f ocus is romantic relationships. That's a good way to narrow yourf ocus, and it makes sense when responding to Wortham, but make that clear f rom thebeginning of the essay! Put it in your thesis.

2. Your basic points are strong, but the details that will support your assertions in theseparagraphs are missing. I'd suggest revisit ing the class session on development and usingdetail f rom Week 10. Ideally, your reader should be able to clearly visualize your support, so thef requent ref erences to "you" and "f amily" and "they" just isn't working that well to create astrong picture.

3. If you were to develop the support and explanations in these paragraphs, you could likelywrite a couple pages on these three items alone.

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Frag.Fragment:A sentence f ragment is a phrase or clause that is in some way incomplete. Such f ragmentsbecome problematic when they attempt to stand alone as a complete sentence. The mostcommon version of this mistake occurs when a writer mistakes a gerund (a verb that acts like anoun) f or a main verb, as in the f ollowing sentence: "In bed reading Shakespeare f rom dusk todawn."

RepetitiveUnnecessary repetit ion:Avoid redundant use of words or phrases. Be aware of what is inherent to the words youchoose to use, e.g. you would not write "the resulting ef f ects" as "ef f ects" are results and thusare always resulting f rom something. Also be aware of what the acronyms and abbreviationsyou use stand f or, e.g. when using the acronym "ATM" you should not write "ATM machine" as"machine" is already in the acronym.

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Vague Language

Words like "things," "aspects," "something," "this," and "that" are of ten very vague. Work onusing concrete nouns that will paint pictures in a readers head.

RepetitiveUnnecessary repetit ion:Avoid redundant use of words or phrases. Be aware of what is inherent to the words youchoose to use, e.g. you would not write "the resulting ef f ects" as "ef f ects" are results and thusare always resulting f rom something. Also be aware of what the acronyms and abbreviationsyou use stand f or, e.g. when using the acronym "ATM" you should not write "ATM machine" as"machine" is already in the acronym.

Comment 12

Actually, yes, we could. That's exactly what Turkle and Wortham are doing! Statements like thisseem to be used in place of strong support. Rather than say this, f ind examples to supportwhat Turkle says, even ones that come f rom her essay.

Comment 13

Introduce Turkle bef ore quoting her. This also will help with development! Revisit the lesson onf raming quotations.

Text Comment. This point seems repetit ive. Combine paragraphs.

Comment 14

The number of questions you're asking in this section is problematic. Nothing is wrong with af ew well-placed questions to get the audience thinking, but they should f orm the majority of

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your paragraphs. Instead, the f ocus should be on strong, concrete, easy to visualize support.

Text Comment. My

Comment 15

But is this caused by technology? Probably not. You seem to be straying f rom the argument.

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Text Comment. Since you come back to your concession f rom the third paragraph here,this is another indication that you should save your concession paragraph f or the end. That'sactually a good place f or a concession!

Text Comment. However,

Text Comment. Ah, your thesis is so much clearer at the end of the paper than thebeginning. Use that to revise your intro!

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Don't f orget hanging indent!

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Don't f orget alphabetical order!