In 1978 R o b y n Davidson visited, quite by chance, a camel fair in Pushkar, Rajasthan. The re she found herself amidst the pastoral nomads of nor th-wes t India, thousands of w h o m had congregated to buy and sell their animals. She was on her way to England to wr i te her celebrated book, Tracks, about traversing the deserts of Australia through tribal Aboriginal land — a j o u r n e y that left her obsessed wi th nomadism, a way of life that has been wi th us since our origins but was about to disappear. As soon as she saw the Rajasthani nomads, she wanted to accompany t hem on a year's migra tory cycle through the T h a r Desert . T h e wish took the form of an image — sand-dunes, sunsets, m e n in red turbans and w o m e n in pink muslin decorated wi th silver - a romantic ideal. A decade later she was given an oppor tuni ty to live out that wish. Bu t it was to take years, and a series of false starts, before she was able to j o in a dang on migrat ion.

For the Rabar i , w h o had always survived harsh conditions, life had b e c o m e increasingly gr im. T h e loss of grazing lands, n e w political boundaries , and the constant threat of thefts, murders and arrests meant that migrat ion had b e c o m e a treacherous business. Some herders had decided to sell most of their animals and no t migrate, others to travel w i thou t w o m e n , still others to abandon their traditional means of livelihood, drift to the cities and find jobs . All were nervous about the responsibility of having a whi te w o m a n wi th them. Bu t in 1992 R o b y n Davidson was finally accepted in to a group in Gujarat and they set off.

She was de te rmined to live as they lived, to 'enter the frame'. W h i c h mean t that she too slept a m o n g five thousand sheep, drank Guinea-worm-infes ted water, survived o n goats' milk and roti. Bu t it was no t so m u c h the physical discomforts wh ich exhausted her as the isolation imposed by the lack of a c o m m o n language. Yet solitude was denied her too and crowds gathered wherever she went . It became a j o u r n e y of extremity and sickness and frightening rages. Sometimes the countryside was beguiling, sometimes brutalized, bu t always a place in wh ich desperate people fought over few remaining resources. Any l ingering romanticism concern ing Indian rural life was destroyed. But a profound respect and affection for her hosts was forged.

(continued on back flap)

£18.00

B Y T H E S A M E A U T H O R

Tracks Ancestors

Travelling Light

R O B Y N D A V I D S O N

Desert Places

V I K I N G

ISBN O-67O-84077—7

V I K I N G

Published by the Penguin Group Penguin Books Ltd, 27 Wrights Lane, London w8 5 T Z , England

Penguin Books U S A Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U S A Penguin Books Australia Ltd, Ringwood, Victoria, Australia

Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4.V 3B2 Penguin Books (NZ) Ltd, 182-190 Wairau Road, Auckland 10, New Zealand

Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England

First published 1996 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

First edition

Copyright © Robyn Davidson, 1996 The moral right of the author has been asserted

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces Between stars — on stars where no human race is. I have it in me so much nearer home To scare myself with my own desert places.

R o b e r t Frost , ' D e s e r t P laces '

Prelude

M e m o r y is a capr ic ious t h i n g . T h e Ind ia I v is i ted in 1978 consists o f images o f doub t fu l a u t h e n t i c i t y h e l d t o g e t h e r i n a g r o u n d o f forgetfulness. I d o n ' t k n o w h o w o r w h y I e n d e d u p in t h e m e d i ­eval lanes o f Pushkar , i n Ra ja s than , d u r i n g o n e o f t h e m o s t i m p o r t ­an t festivals i n t h e H i n d u calendar . B u t I ' m a lmos t sure I was t h e on ly E u r o p e a n a r o u n d .

T h e c r o w d was a de luge d r o w n i n g ind iv idua l wi l l . It u n m o o r e d th ings from the i r m e a n i n g s . Tu rbans a n d t insel , c o w h o r n s l y r e -shaped a n d p a i n t e d b lue , t h e fangs o f a m o n k e y , eyes t h u m b e d w i t h k o h l l o o k i n g i n t o m y o w n before b o b b i n g u n d e r t h e t o r r e n t , a c o r n e r o f s o m e t h i n g ca rved in s tone , h a n d s c l u t c h i n g a red veil , a daco i t p lay ing an Arab i an scale o n his flute, his yards o f m o u s t a c h e t o i l e d i n c o n c e n t r i c circles o n his cheeks — all these e l e m e n t s s ink ing a n d r e a p p e a r i n g , b r e a k i n g a n d r e c o m b i n i n g , b o r n e a l o n g b y t h e wi l l o f t h e c r o w d in w h i c h a w h i r l p o o l was f o r m i n g , s u c k ­i n g m e t o its cen t re .

A b e g g a r was ly ing o n his back . H i s legs w e r e b r o k e n a n d folded, p e r m a n e n t l y , i n t o his g r o i n . H e m o v e d sideways a l o n g t h e lane , u s ing t h e a r t icu la t ions o f his spine, t h r o u g h garbage a n d faeces, d r a w i n g his flotsam a l o n g w i t h h i m , ro l l ing his eyes b a c k ­wards in his h e a d a n d m u t t e r i n g man t r a s , o r p e r h a p s n o n s e n s e . H e w o r e a w h i t e d h o t i a n d his b o d y was w h i t e n e d w i t h ash. H i s t u r b a n was p a r r o t g r e e n a n d I t h i n k I r e m e m b e r m a k e - u p o n his face, t h o u g h I m a y have p a i n t e d it o n afterwards. A p a r r o t t o o k co ins f r o m t h e tentacles o f a r m s swir l ing above it a n d p l aced t h e m in a b o w l o n its master 's s t o m a c h . I b reas ted t h r o u g h t h e c r o w d , past t h e l imbs o f street s leepers j u m b l e d in shadows , h i n d e r e d b y h a n d s a n d i m p r e c a t i o n s , o u t at last t o air.

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Y o u can w a l k for m o n t h s in Austral ia w i t h o u t m e e t i n g a single h u m a n . T h o u s a n d s o f mi les e m p t y o f foo tp r in t s , u n b u r d e n e d b y history 's mis takes . T h r o u g h an associat ion w i t h t h e o r ig ina l i n h a b i t ­ants I h a d l ea rn t t o see tha t w i lde rness as a ga rden — man ' s p r i m o r ­dial h o m e before t h e p l o u g h . T h e tracks o f t h e ances tors m a p p e d it a n d gave it m e a n i n g so tha t h o w e v e r far an ind iv idua l m i g h t travel f rom t h e p lace o f o r i g i n , in t h e deepes t possible sense h e o r she was forever at h o m e in t h e w o r l d . In A b o r i g i n a l socie ty e v e r y ­o n e rece ived a share o f g o o d s a n d t h e on ly h ie ra rchy was o n e based o n a c c u m u l a t e d k n o w l e d g e to w h i c h e v e r y o n e c o u l d aspire. T h e Aust ra l ian deser t a n d t h e h u n t e r - g a t h e r e r s w h o t rans la ted it h a d so i n f o r m e d m y spir i t tha t t h e c rowds o f P u s h k a r w e r e u n n a t ­ural a n d f r i gh t en ing to m e - e v i d e n c e tha t ag r i cu l tu r e h a d b e e n m y species ' greates t b lunde r .

T h o u s a n d s o f camels w e r e t e t h e r e d o n hills s u r r o u n d i n g t h e t o w n . N o m a d s h a d c o m e h e r e f rom all over n o r t h Ind ia to b u y a n d sell t he i r an imals . I c l i m b e d u p to the i r e n c a m p m e n t s , away f rom t h e r iver o f souls. W h e n I r e a c h e d t h e crest o f t h e hill I t u r n e d to l o o k back . A full m o o n h a d r isen. T h e r u m b l e o f t h e c r o w d was muff led u n d e r a layer o f p i n k dust . T h e r e was a sensa t ion o f suspens ion . All a r o u n d m e camels sat peaceful ly c h e w i n g t h e c u d . G r o u p s o f m e n l o u n g e d b a c k o n t h e sand sha r ing ch i l lums . A w o m a n called m e over t o h e r fire. H e r dress was a sunset o f reds, p inks a n d silver. W h e n she m o v e d , o r n a ­m e n t s rat t led. A veil was d r a p e d over a c o n t r a p t i o n in h e r ha i r so tha t it p e a k e d l ike a pixie 's ha t . H a d she p u l l e d o u t a w a n d a n d offered m e th r ee wishes , I w o u l d n o t have f o u n d h e r m o r e fantastic. S h e flung d o w n a c a m e l - h a i r m a t , t u g g e d m e o n to i t a n d s e e m e d to b e ask ing if I w o u l d swap m y neck l ace for h e r silver o n e . I t r i ed to exp la in tha t hers w o u l d b e m o r e valuable t h a n m i n e and , despi te h e r en t rea ty to stay longer , w a n d e r e d away.

B u t a w i s h was f o r m i n g . I t t o o k t h e shape o f an i m a g e . I was b u i l d i n g a li t t le c o o k i n g fire i n t h e shel ter o f soft, p i n k d u n e s , far away f rom a n y t h i n g b u t a w o r l d o f sand. It was twi l igh t , t h e lyr ical h o u r . T h e n o m a d s w e r e g a t h e r i n g bes ide m e b y t h e fire. T h e r e was fluency a n d l ightness b e t w e e n us. W e h a d w a l k e d a l o n g w a y toge the r . T h e i m a g e exa l ted t h e spiri t w i t h its spareness a n d its

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repose . M y o n l y excuse for h a v i n g it is tha t I was y o u n g , a n d y o u t h is vu lne rab l e t o R o m a n t i c s e n t i m e n t .

I m a d e s o m e inqu i r i e s . T h e n o m a d s w e r e called R a i k a o r R a b a r i a n d t hey h e r d e d camels a n d s o m e t i m e s sheep . T h e r e was a folklorist i n J o d h p u r w h o k n e w e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t t h e m a n d w o u l d b e h a p p y to answer m y que r i e s b u t was busy e n t e r t a i n i n g a F r e n c h j o u r n a l i s t tha t w e e k . I h a d e igh t days left i n India . F r e n c h j o u r n a l i s t n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g , I h a d t o t ry m y luck .

T h e o n l y o t h e r E u r o p e a n o n t h e p l ane was a F r e n c h w o m a n . So w h e n she w e n t t o shake hands w i t h a pe rson i f i ca t ion o f e l e ­g a n c e dressed in b lack j o d h p u r s , b lack k u r t a , b lack sunglasses a n d b lack m o u s t a c h e — w h o , m i n u s t h e sunglasses, m i g h t have s t epped o u t o f a Pers ian m i n i a t u r e o n to t h e t a r m a c — I b u r i e d m y r e t i ­c e n c e , fo l lowed h e r a n d said, ' E x c u s e m e . Y o u are t h e folklorist , M r G o m a l K h o t a r i ? '

' N o , b u t I k n o w K h o t a r i Sahib ve ry well. ' T h e r e was a pause , t h e n , ' H a v e n ' t w e m e t s o m e w h e r e before? '

S o m e t i m e s it seems as if a larger p o w e r gives a d a m n w h a t y o u d o w i t h y o u r life. O n e m i n u t e y o u are m e a n d e r i n g a long t h e road y o u have c h o s e n , t h e n sudden ly y o u are shoved u p a side street w h e r e small e n t i c e m e n t s , l ike c r u m b s laid d o w n for a b i rd , e n c o u r ­age y o u to bel ieve tha t y o u are m e a n t t o travel i n this d i r ec t i on t h o u g h y o u can see n o t h i n g familiar u p ahead . I g lanced at t h e s u r r o u n d i n g s t rangeness , at this least forget table o f creatures a n d said, 'I s h o u l d n ' t t h i n k so.'

' B u t o f cour se , y o u are t h e w o m a n w h o w a l k e d across Austral ia w i t h s o m e camels . I 've j u s t b e e n r ead ing a b o u t y o u . Y o u m u s t c o m e a n d stay in m y h o m e . M y fa ther wi l l be de l i gh t ed to m e e t y o u . H o w o d d tha t y o u shou ld ar r ive h e r e j u s t as I was t h i n k i n g o f w r i t i n g t o you . '

Y o u d o n ' t have t o be l ieve in o m e n s to b e s e d u c e d b y t h e m . H e was s o m e sor t o f n o b l e m a n a n d s o m e sor t o f pol i t ic ian b u t

h e m i g h t have b e e n f rom Sirius, so i m p e n e t r a b l y O t h e r d id h e s e e m t o m e t h e n . I p e r c h e d in t h e b a c k o f his W o r l d W a r T w o j e e p w h i c h b u m p e d t h r o u g h t h e dus t t o a large, r e d - s t o n e h o u s e w i t h da rk r o o m s a n d servants w h o b r o u g h t tea at t h e clap o f h a n d s .

T h e N a r e n d r a I k n o w n o w w o u l d n o t have c l apped h a n d s for a

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servant . Yet I see us s i t t ing in t h e p a r a d i g m o f r o o m s f rom w h i c h all o the r , in fe r io r r o o m s de r ive — a h i g h - c e i l i n g e d r o o m c o n t a i n ­ing a p u n k a h , a b lack t e l e p h o n e a n d a wa l l - t o -wa l l mat t ress covered in e m b r o i d e r e d bols ters a n d cush ions . N a r e n d r a is half r e ­c l ined o n t h e bols ters a n d c l app ing his hands l ike s o m e t h i n g o u t o f TTie Arabian Nights. Tea does appea r a n d is p laced o n squat , oc t agona l tables, o n e each . T h e tables are e d g e d in silver. A n d the re is N a r e n d r a ' s father, t h e C o l o n e l , dressed in a r i d i n g outf i t , w i t h an Eng l i sh cap o n his shaven head , boas t i ng a b o u t w h a t his ches t m e a s u r e m e n t h a d b e e n w h e n h e was y o u n g a n d g iv ing m e t h e secret o f his p h e n o m e n a l h e a l t h — a c u p o f h o t g h e e at fou r i n t h e m o r n i n g fo l lowed b y p u s h - u p s a n d a t e n - m i l e r u n .

'I wi l l i n t r o d u c e y o u to a R a i k a w h o c a n t ra in a came l t o b r i n g breakfast i n t h e m o r n i n g s . W e wi l l e m p l o y tha t m a n a n d y o u m u s t c o m e h e r e t o live w i t h us a n d l e a rn e v e r y t h i n g t h e r e is t o k n o w a b o u t camels . I wi l l b e in te res ted t o l e a r n also, t h o u g h I a m m o r e fond o f horses . B u t t o m o r r o w y o u a n d I wi l l t ake t h e j e e p to Jaisalmer. ' A n o t h e r p e r s o n c o m e s i n t o t h e r o o m — Narend ra ' s sister, M i n u . S h e is w r a p p e d i n a c o c o o n o f b l u e silk; t h e r e is go ld in h e r nose , o n h e r a r m s , o n h e r toes . She is o n e o f t h e m o s t beaut i ful w o m e n I have ever seen. She has spen t h e r m a r r i e d life l o c k e d in p u r d a h i n a castle. S h e has b e e n a l lowed o u t n o w to visit h e r family b e c a u s e she has j u s t m a r r i e d off h e r o n l y daugh te r .

T h e C o l o n e l d id dr ive m e t o Jaisalmer, a ci ty o f ca rved g o l d e n s tone set at t h e e d g e o f t h e T h a r . I was n o t feel ing wel l — t h e th i rd world ' s r evenge o n t h e colonizer ' s s t o m a c h . B u t it w o u l d n o t d o t o a d m i t t o any k i n d o f weakness w h e n in t h e c o m p a n y o f t h e C o l o n e l . Tales o f his b rave ry c o u l d b e h e a r d in every village f rom B i k a n e r t o K o t a . H e was il l i terate, wi ld ly eccen t r i c , capable o f guiltless c rue l ty , a n d t h e e m b o d i m e n t o f t h e v i r tues o f an a n c i e n t w a r r i o r class. W e s t o p p e d tha t n i g h t in a t iny vil lage in t h e deser t . M y b o n e s w e r e u n h i n g e d by t h e dr ive , m y ears a n d nose c logged w i t h gr i t , m y s t o m a c h b e h a v i n g o n l y b y an effort o f wi l l . T h e C o l o n e l was as cr isp as a sp r i ng day. I n a da rk o n e - r o o m e d t ave rn h e o r d e r e d food .

' C o l o n e l , I d o n ' t t h i n k I c o u l d . . .' ' N o n s e n s e . It wi l l d o y o u good . ' T w o b o w l s w e r e p l aced b y t h e cand le o n a w o o d e n table. O n e

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vegetab le c u r r y , o n e m e a t . M y s p o o n k n o c k e d against s o m e t h i n g in t h e b o w l . I p u l l e d t h e candle towards it. It was an u n d i p p e d goat's hoof . T h i s is w h a t I r e m e m b e r b u t I d o n o t k n o w h o w m u c h t r u t h t h e r e is in it. I have n e v e r s ince seen a goat 's h o o f in a c u r r y . A n d n o I n d i a n e a t i n g - h o u s e s I 've b e e n in s ince have b e e n lit b y so soft a l ight o r b e e n as still as a p a i n t i n g . A n d Jaisalmer, seen several t imes s ince t h e n was , tha t first t ime , a v is ion . La ter t h e C o l o n e l b o u g h t m e a b o t t l e o f b o o t l e g l i q u o r f rom s o m e gypsies. T h e s e d i m e n t i n t h e b o t t o m o f t h e b o t d e , h e said, was c r u s h e d pearls .

B a c k in J o d h p u r , w e all ag r eed tha t I w o u l d r e t u r n t h e fo l low­i n g year t o travel w i t h a n d w r i t e a b o u t t h e R a i k a . A n d a vis i t ing as t rologer s tud ied m y stars a n d c o n f i r m e d tha t I w o u l d a r r ive i n Augus t .

H e was w r o n g . Years passed and , w i t h t h e m , any desire t o live w i t h n o m a d s .

B u t t h e images o f t h e c r i pp l ed b e g g a r a n d t h e R a i k a w o m a n b y h e r fire r e m a i n e d j u x t a p o s e d in m e m o r y because t h e y w e r e i l lustra­t ions o f pers is tent p r e o c c u p a t i o n s — f r e e d o m a n d res t r i c t ion , w a n ­d e r i n g a n d sedentar iness .

T h i s c e n t u r y has w i tne s sed t h e greates t upheavals o f p o p u l a t i o n in man ' s h i s tory . Yet it is also w i tne s s ing t h e e n d o f t rad i t iona l n o m a d i s m , a de sc r i p t i on o f reality tha t has b e e n w i t h us s ince o u r b e g i n n i n g s — o u r oldes t m e m o r y o f b e i n g . A n d t h e r e are n e w k inds o f n o m a d s , n o t p e o p l e w h o are at h o m e e v e r y w h e r e , b u t w h o are at h o m e n o w h e r e . I was o n e o f t h e m .

After t h e first a b a n d o n m e n t o f t h e p lace o f m y b i r t h I h a d l ived in E n g l a n d , i n A m e r i c a , lost c o u n t o f t h e c o u n t r i e s I h a d vis i ted a n d h a d several t imes r e t u r n e d to Austral ia o n l y t o leave again. S o m e w h e r e in t h e m i d s t o f tha t t r e m e n d o u s restlessness I h a d lost t h e sense o f a gravi ta t ional cen t re , a p lace w i t h w h i c h t o c o m p a r e e l sewhere . I n o w felt as m u c h an an th ropo log i s t (mystified, al ien, lonely) at a d i n n e r p a r t y w i t h m y pee r s , as I d id w i t h a family o f A b o r i g i n e s ea t ing w i t c h e t t y g r u b s in a c r eek b e d . B y 1989 t h e feel ing o f b e i n g cu t off at t h e s o u r c e was b e c o m i n g difficult t o to lera te . I m a d e a dec i s ion t o settle i n L o n d o n a n d t o t ry t o l e a rn t o b e l o n g .

B u t w h e n a f r iend inv i t ed m e t o d i n n e r saying tha t h e h a d a

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surpr ise , a n d w h e n t h e surpr i se t u r n e d o u t t o b e N a r e n d r a w h o was six i nches sho r t e r t h a n I r e m e m b e r e d h i m a n d n o t near ly so a w e s o m e a n d w h o , h a v i n g g r e e t e d m e as if w e h a d seen e a c h o t h e r j u s t a m o n t h ago r a the r t h a n t h e e leven years tha t h a d passed, r e m i n d e d m e o f m y p r o m i s e to w r i t e a b o u t t h e R a b a r i a n d inv i t ed m e t o Ind ia as if it w e r e t h e m o s t u n e x c e p t i o n a l t h i n g in t h e w o r l d , w h a t c o u l d I d o b u t agree? So it was tha t se rend ip i ty b e c k o n e d m e again u p tha t side alley o f life a n d doesn ' t it res tore faith t o t h i n k tha t i m p r o b a b l e m e e t i n g s can set a n e w course , j u s t w h e n y o u t h i n k t h e r e is n o t h i n g a r o u n d y o u b u t s tones?

N a r e n d r a assured m e tha t l iv ing w i t h t h e n o m a d s w o u l d b e easy e n o u g h t o o rgan ize . I c o u l d m e e t a g r o u p at t h e P u s h k a r festival a n d c o m p l e t e a year 's m i g r a t o r y cycle w i t h t h e m . Easy pe rhaps , b u t it w o u l d r equ i r e m o n e y a n d tha t w o u l d m e a n ge t t i ng t h e sponso r sh ip o f a m a g a z i n e a n d p u t t i n g u p w i t h a p h o t o g r a ­p h e r occasional ly . If a small vo i ce w a r n e d against ea t ing one 's w o r d s (I h a d s w o r n n e v e r t o d o such a t h i n g again) it was d r o w n e d o u t b y a c h o r u s o f p ragmat i sms .

I w r o t e a p roposa l ; s u b o r n e d ed i tors w i t h tha t t w i l i g h t -a n d - d u n e p i c t u r e tha t h a d b e e n m o u l d e r i n g in m y m e n t a l a t t ic ; s igned con t rac t s .

P A R T O N E

False Starts

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A n d a r r ived in India o n t h e day o f t h e w o r s t c o m m u n a l v i o l e n c e s ince I n d e p e n d e n c e .

T h e images I r e t a ined from t h e p rev ious visit w e r e tour i s t images : festivals, chi f fon-c lad w o m e n , decay ing castles, p e a c o c k s set t l ing in dus ty trees. O r t hey w e r e o f ' o ld f r iends ' , s tuck in i m p r o b a b l e sett ings l ike t hose ca rdboa rd carnival c a r t oons b e h i n d w h i c h y o u p lace y o u r face for t h e p h o t o g r a p h : N a r e n d r a b e i n g l a the red a n d shaved as h e sits o n a cha i r o n his l awn ; M i n u c o v e r ­i n g h e r face w i t h b l u e silk w h i l e she talks a b o u t t h e r igh ts o f w o m e n . T h e India I h a d c o n s t r u c t e d f rom b o o k s was to l e ran t a n d ra t ional — a c o u n t r y w h e r e algebra, g e o m e t r y a n d a s t r o n o m y h a d b e e n s tud ied w h i l e E u r o p e sank i n t o its D a r k Ages , w h e r e chess a n d t h e d e c i m a l sys tem w e r e inven ted , w h e r e grea t m e n a n d w o m e n h a d sacrif iced themse lves t o an ideal a n d bui l t a f u n c t i o n ­i n g d e m o c r a c y o n t h e ru in s o f co lonia l i sm, w h e r e different i n t e l l ec ­tual o p i n i o n s a n d re l ig ious beliefs c o u l d co -ex i s t i n p e a c e - an Ind ia tha t b o r e li t t le re la t ion t o w h a t was g o i n g o n ou t s ide this r o o m .

T h e h o t e l te levis ion s h o w e d a n g r y c rowds r u n n i n g t h r o u g h streets, l a t h i - c h a r g i n g p o l i c e m e n , re l ig ious fanatics s h o u t i n g at t h e camera .

As pa r t o f its effort t o g a r n e r a v o t e b a n k , a r i g h t - w i n g H i n d u chauvin is t pa r ty , t h e Bhara t iya Jana ta Pa r ty ( B J P ) , h a d o rgan i zed a m a r c h across Ind ia t o A y o d h y a , a small n o r t h e r n t o w n revered b y H i n d u s as t h e l e g e n d a r y b i r t hp l ace o f L o r d R a m . T h e r e t hey i n t e n d e d t o bu i ld a t e m p l e o n t h e exact spo t w h e r e t h e r e h a p ­p e n e d t o b e a f i f t e en th -cen tu ry m o s q u e — t h e B a b r i Masj id . T h e B J P l eader A d v a n i , w h o h e a d e d t h e t e n - t h o u s a n d - k i l o m e t r e p rocess ion , d i spo r t ed h imse l f i n a g ian t sa f f ron-coloured vehic le

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des igned t o l o o k l ike R a m ' s cha r io t . H u g e c rowds o f H i n d u d e v o ­tees h a d ga the red , of ten a t t ack ing M u s l i m n e i g h b o u r h o o d s a l o n g t h e way . A d v a n i was a r res ted before h e a r r ived at t h e site w h e r e a h u n d r e d t h o u s a n d ka r sevaks ( H i n d u h o l y vo lun tee r s ) w e r e w a i t ­i ng . S o m e o f t h e m a t t e m p t e d t o s t o r m t h e m o s q u e . Po l i ce o p e n e d fire. T h e c o u n t r y e r u p t e d .

P u s h k a r festival was a fo r tn igh t away b u t p e o p l e w e r e b e i n g advised n o t t o a t t e n d p o p u l o u s events a n d anyway , t he r e was a pub l i c t r anspo r t s tr ike. It was imposs ib le t o b u y a j e e p in D e l h i as t hey h a d all b e e n r equ i s i t i oned b y t h e a r m y . I p a c e d t h e h o t e l r o o m , d e v o u r i n g n e w s p a p e r s a n d te levis ion repor t s , un t i l N a r e n ­dra rang . H e h a d to r e t u r n t o his f a r m in J o d h p u r , t w o days ' d r ive wes t i n t o Ra ja s than . H e c o u l d d r o p m e off i n P u s h k a r o n t h e way . W e a r r ived t h e r e j u s t i n t i m e to see he rds o f camels a n d the i r R a i k a o w n e r s d ispers ing in small g r o u p s , as o r d e r e d b y ba t te r ies o f a r m e d po l ice .

As for t h e L a n d o f E n c h a n t m e n t . . . W h e r e o n c e lit t le ma rke t s h a d c o b b l e d toge the r , sell ing e v e r y t h i n g f rom inla id c a m e l saddles t o can t i levered bras, t h e r e w e r e n o w rows o f p o r t a b l e w e s t e r n la t r ines d o n e u p to l o o k l ike mahara jahs ' t en ts a n d shops sel l ing I ' V E B E E N T O P U S H K A R T - sh i r t s . F o r e i g n tour i s t s appea red t o o u t n u m b e r locals, m o s t o f w h o m h a d t o d e p e n d o n pub l i c t r anspo r t w h i c h was still s t r i k e - b o u n d . T h e A g r i c u l t u r e M i n i s t r y a n d t h e T o u r i s m M i n i s t r y h a d set different dates for t h e fair. T h e n o m a d s c a m e early a n d t h e p i l g r ims c a m e late. A n y h o p e o f h e a d i n g off w i t h t h e R a i k a was defunct .

N a r e n d r a w e n t o n t o J o d h p u r . I w a i t e d t o m e e t t h e p h o t o ­g r a p h e r Di l ip M e h t a w h o h a d b e e n c o m m i s s i o n e d b y t h e m a g a z i n e t o i l lustrate t h e R a i k a s tory . I a l ready k n e w h i m a n d l iked h i m . I also k n e w tha t w r i t e r s a n d p h o t o g r a p h e r s b e l o n g e d t o different species a n d w h e n p u s h c a m e to shove, w h i c h it inevi tab ly d id , re la t ions b e t w e e n t h e m c o u l d ge t a little s t ra ined. T h e r e f o r e it was i m p o r t a n t t o establish a r a p p o r t w i t h D i l i p as s o o n as possible . I d id n o t have t h e m e n t a l i t y o f a j ou rna l i s t . I l iked to take m y t ime , m u s e , d r e a m — a w a y o f a b s o r b i n g i n ­f o r m a t i o n tha t d rove real j ou rna l i s t s crazy. D i l i p h a d f l own i n t h e n i g h t be fore f rom H o n g K o n g , o r Lap land , o r s o m e w h e r e , a n d d r iven s traight h e r e , o n l y t o f ind tha t t h e r e was n o t h i n g t o p h o t o -

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g r a p h . Neve r the l e s s h e set o f f w i t h his N i k o n s , l o o k i n g l ike t h u n d e r a n d g o t i n t o an a l te rca t ion w i t h s o m e p i l g r ims w h o accused h i m o f t a k i n g p ic tures o f w o m e n b a t h i n g in t h e sacred t ank . H e r e t u r n e d to D e l h i . I fled t o J o d h p u r in a taxi . T h e r e w e r e larger th ings t o w o r r y a b o u t t h a n r a p p o r t .

T h e n i g h t I a r r ived e igh t p e o p l e w e r e m u r d e r e d in c o m m u n a l r io t s a n d cu r f ew was i m p o s e d for t h e first t i m e i n J o d h p u r ' s h i s to ry . I w a n t e d t o stay in a h o t e l . T h e C o l o n e l w a n t e d m e t o stay w i t h h i m in t h e t o w n - h o u s e . M i n u sen t w o r d tha t I s h o u l d stay w i t h h e r i n G h a n e r a o . A n d N a r e n d r a insis ted tha t I stay o n his f a r m w h e r e t h e r e was a o n e - r o o m co t tage , j u s t for m e . I caved in t o a hospi ta l i ty u n i q u e t o Ind ia a n d c h o s e t h e f a r m for its qu ie t .

Na rend ra ' s h o u s e cons is ted o f t w o r o u n d , r e d - s t o n e j h u m p a s (vernacular R a j a s t h a n a rch i tec ture) w i t h t w o smaller ones off e ach side, all r oo fed w i t h con ica l t h a t c h a n d j o i n e d b y s tone passages. Ins ide t h e c o o l w h i t e r o o m s a few h a n d s o m e objects w e r e d i s t r i bu ­ted , s imple a n d lovely. S h u t t e r e d w i n d o w s o p e n e d o n to v i ews o f chilli fields sk i r t ing castles o r w e r e cove red b y sticks d r i p p i n g w a t e r — t radi t ional a i r - c o n d i t i o n i n g . S u r r o u n d i n g t h e bu i ld ings was a raised m u d a n d d u n g s toep w h e r e squirrels , birds , cobras a n d stoats c a m e to sun themse lves . M y o w n lit t le r o o m , a h u n d r e d yards f rom t h e h o u s e , h a d for its r o o f a w a t e r t ank .

O n tha t first m o r n i n g I w o k e t o t h e s o u n d o f w a t e r p l u n g i n g d o w n i n t o i r r i ga t ion d i t ches a n d to p e a c o c k s , r i ch ly dressed a n d v a c u o u s as mahara jahs , h o w l i n g l ike cats i n t h e t ree ou t s ide m y w i n d o w . F r o m m y d o o r s t r e t ched b l u e - g r e e n fields d o t t e d w i t h trees a n d t h e c o l o u r e d saris o f w o m e n g o i n g t o w o r k . G r e y cranes lifted t h e i r t rousers a n d stalked a b o u t i n t h e w a t e r l ike Engl i sh academics o n s o m e eso te r i c f ie ld- t r ip .

M y first task was t r y i n g t o acqu i re s o m e reliable i n f o r m a t i o n a b o u t t h e n o m a d s . A c c o r d i n g t o a census r e p o r t f rom t h e n i n e ­t e e n t h c e n t u r y t hey w e r e c a m e l th ieves , cac tus-ea te rs a n d stealers o f w h e a t . A n d a M r D u t t w r o t e in 1871 o f t h e glor ies o f P u s h k a r : ' W e saw camels s ta r t ing f rom this p lace t o cross t h e deser t , c a r r y ­i n g m e n a n d w o m e n w i t h t he i r packages a n d supplies o f f ood a n d water . ' T h e s e , p lus a small m e n t i o n in Annals of Rajasthan by C o l o n e l T o d d , w e r e t h e o n l y references t o R a b a r i s o r R a i k a s I h a d b e e n able t o find in all t h e l ibrar ies o f E n g l a n d .

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F r o m w h a t I c o u l d m a k e o u t , R a b a r i was t h e m o r e g e n e r i c t e r m , w h i l e R a i k a des igna ted a specific c a m e l - b r e e d i n g subcaste . B u t this was n o t a fixed ru le a n d on ly later was t h e s ignif icance o f n a m i n g m a d e clearer t o m e . I n any case, t h e n o m a d s ' o r i g i n ou t s ide Ind ia was lost i n t i m e . T h e y w e r e cer ta in ly I n d o - E u r o p e a n , l i g h t - s k i n n e d a n d of ten g r e e n - o r b l u e - e y e d . I n t h e annals o f t h e I n d u s Valley civil izations t h e r e was n o m e n t i o n o f sheep o r camels . P r e s u m a b l y t h e n o m a d s b r o u g h t t h e m w i t h t h e m w h e n t h e y c a m e . T h e y h a d t w o m a i n divis ions, t h e M a r u a n d Cha lk ia . M a r u t radi t ional ly deal t on ly in camels , t h e an ima l w i t h w h i c h all R a b a r i felt m o s t s t rongly associated, be l i ev ing its c r ea t ion to b e coeval w i t h t he i r o w n , w h e r e a s t h e C h a l k i a k e p t he rds o f sheep a n d goat . T h e i r h i s to ry b e g a n in Ja isa lmer in t h e T h a r D e s e r t , f rom w h i c h over t h e c e n t u r i e s t h e y h a d spread w i t h the i r animals i n t o o t h e r states, i n t e g r a t i n g themse lves i n t o H i n d u c o s m o l o g y as t hey w e n t , sp l in te r ing i n t o sub-cas tes b u t re ta in ing , always, t he i r ' R a b a r i n e s s ' , t he i r o t h e r n e s s .

E v e r y o n e I m e t h a d s o m e t h i n g to say a b o u t t h e m b u t w h a t e v e r o n e p e r s o n s ta ted as fact a n o t h e r refuted. Similar ly e v e r y o n e ag reed tha t t ravel l ing w i t h t h e m o n m i g r a t i o n w o u l d b e ve ry easy t o o rgan ize b u t n o o n e sugges ted exac t ly h o w it c o u l d b e d o n e .

O h , t hose hes i tan t first steps across al ien t e r r a in w h e n y o u d o n ' t k n o w t h e rules . You c u r b y o u r spon t ane i t y in an effort t o b e h a v e in an acceptab le fashion. Y o u d o away w i t h any cr i t ical facul ty w h i c h m i g h t b l o c k a b s o r p t i o n . Y o u d o n o t k n o w w h i c h advice t o take, w h a t i n f o r m a t i o n is t r ue . H o w uns tab le y o u feel. T o b l u n ­de r a n d b e forgiven, tha t is t o a l low your se l f t o b e w h a t y o u are, m a y b e a b e t t e r w a y o f p r o c e e d i n g b u t tha t b r a n d o f c o u r a g e was n o t in m y na tu re . I c rep t cau t ious ly w h e r e o the r s m a y have b o u n d e d .

M y p lan was to p u r c h a s e a j e e p a n d dr ive a r o u n d t h e deser t areas b y mysel f un t i l I f o u n d j u s t tha t g r o u p o f R a b a r i w i t h w h o m the re was a s t rong r a p p o r t . T h e n , i n a few m o n t h s ' t ime , I w o u l d b u y mysel f s o m e camels at C h a i t r i l ivestock fair nea r B a r m e r . After w h i c h I w o u l d c o n t i n u e to live in w h a t e v e r village h a d b e e n c h o s e n un t i l it was t i m e to take off o n m i g r a t i o n .

B u y i n g a j e e p t o o k m o r e t h a n a w e e k . D a y after day N a r e n d r a ' s n u m b e r o n e servant K h a n j i , ever - smi l ing , ever ca lm, s h e p h e r d e d

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m e a l o n g gullies a n d streets, f rom b a n k to office t o b a n k again, o r g a n i z e d t h e papers , l ed m e t o o t h e r m y s t e r i o u s bu i ld ings , a n ­swered ques t ions o n m y behalf, i nd i ca t ed w h e r e I s h o u l d sit, sign, wa i t a n d s ign again. B u t at last t h e papers w e r e in o r d e r a n d t he re is s o m e t h i n g e m p o w e r i n g a b o u t s i t t ing b e h i n d t h e w h e e l o f y o u r ve ry o w n j e e p , b a n g i n g y o u r fist o n t h e h o r n a n d f ind ing y o u r way h o m e t h r o u g h lanes ha rd ly w i d e r t h a n t h e car — lanes w h i c h , m i n u s s coo t e r - r i ckshaws , diesel fumes , syn the t i c saris a n d plastic g o o d s dang l i ng from t h e roofs o f m i n u t e shops , w o u l d have l o o k e d j u s t l ike this c e n t u r i e s ago.

'You m u s t have a driver. ' ' N a r e n d r a , I have b e e n travel l ing a lone for years . I assure y o u I

d o n o t n e e d a driver. ' M y hos t p o n d e r e d a m o m e n t . ' B u t n o w y o u are in India , a n d i n

Ind ia y o u must have a driver. ' Fantasies o f t h r o w i n g myse l f at t h e m e r c y o f t h e o p e n road , a lone a n d u n e n c u m b e r e d , vanished , n e v e r t o b e revived. F r o m tha t m o m e n t o n , n o m a t t e r w h e r e I w e n t o r w h a t I d id , I was to b e s u r r o u n d e d e i t he r b y a p h a l a n x o f he lpe r s or, m o r e of ten, an a u d i e n c e o f t h o u s a n d s .

H a v i n g a c c e p t e d t h e n e e d for a d r iver it was b u t a small s tep t o a c c e p t i n g tha t I n e e d e d several o t h e r c o m p a n i o n s (Narendra ' s f r iends a n d servants) a n d a grea t deal o f l uggage for m y first t r i p i n t o t h e deser t a n d m y first m e e t i n g w i t h t h e n o m a d s . B e d d i n g w i t h cr isp sheets , for e x a m p l e , a n d a b u n d a n t tiffins (mul t i - t i e r ed m e t a l l u n c h - b o x e s c o n t a i n i n g at least ha l f a d o z e n cu r r i e s o f t h e pa l a t e - s co rch ing k i n d ) .

M y c o m p a n i o n s w e r e as fol lows: K h a n j i , dr iver , a R a j p u t w h o h a d c o m e f rom a vil lage at t h e age o f f o u r t e e n to w o r k for N a r e n d r a , b e e n t a u g h t t o read a n d w r i t e a n d w h o t h e n s tud ied a c o r r e s p o n d e n c e c o u r s e at n i g h t un t i l B A level. H i s pass ion for s e l f - improvemen t b o r d e r e d o n t h e pa tho log i ca l and , b e i n g a gen ius , h e was s o m e w h a t d a u n t i n g t o b e a r o u n d . Takat S i n g h j i , an officer i n t h e B o r d e r Secu r i t y Forces a n d re t i red h e a d o f t h e C a m e l C o r p s . I h a d seen a p h o t o g r a p h o f h i m l ead ing t h e came l p a r a d e o n I n d e p e n d e n c e D a y t h r o u g h D e l h i . Takat was six foot tall, h a d a p r o p o r t i o n a t e l y large m o u s t a c h e a n d a l a u g h tha t c o u l d seed c louds . M o h a n S i n g h j i , a u n i o n boss , i n c o r r u p t i b l e a n d d e e p l y c o m m i t t e d t o pol i t ica l r e f o r m . H e c o u l d speak a few

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w o r d s o f Eng l i sh a n d was , therefore , t o b e m y in te rp re t e r . Last o n b o a r d was M o r n a t , k i n g o f t h e Ra ja s than Jogis . M o r n a t ' s p e o p l e w e r e tr ibals, t ha t is, ou t s ide , o r r a the r be low, t h e caste sys tem. T h e y w e r e gypsies w h o t radi t ional ly h u n t e d w i t h dogs . B u t these days t he re was little left t o h u n t a n d lit t le free c o u n t r y left t o d o it in . N a r e n d r a h a d inv i t ed M o r n a t a n d his e x t e n d e d family to live o n his f a rm, se t t ing a p r e c e d e n t for o t h e r Jogis w h o w o u l d eventual ly have lit t le c h o i c e b u t t o settle. I n r e t u r n M o r n a t , o r o n e o f his b r o t h e r s , t e n d e d t h e l og fire at n i g h t o r b r o u g h t t h e family t o t h e h o u s e to sing a n d d a n c e o n special occas ions , o r g r aced t h e table w i t h g a m e .

I was s o m e h o w t o lead this posse o f four m e n w i t h o u t k n o w i n g any o f t h e languages t h e y spoke , w i t h o u t u n d e r s t a n d i n g a n y t h i n g o f t h e cu l tu re in w h i c h I f o u n d myself, w i t h o u t t h e slightest c lue as t o w h e r e w e w e r e h e a d i n g o r w h a t , really, w e w e r e l o o k i n g for. M y o w n b a c k g r o u n d h a d fostered a d e e p i n d e p e n d e n c e in m e , so tha t w h e n m y t e a m in spec t ed every m o v e m e n t closely o r g r a b b e d th ings f rom m y h a n d in fits o f gal lantry , I go t p e r f o r m a n c e anx ie ty a n d felt i n a d e q u a t e . Pe rhaps I s h o u l d have b e e n firmer f rom t h e b e g i n n i n g a n d refused t h e so l ic i tude o f N a r e n d r a a n d his associ­ates. B u t in Ind ia t o b e a l o n e is t o b e a freak; t o b e a w o m a n a lone , an insul t t o chivalry; a n d to b e a E u r o p e a n w o m a n a lone , an inv i ta t ion to m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g . N a r e n d r a was r igh t . I was in Ind ia a n d I shou ld d o th ings t h e I n d i a n way , w h i c h m e a n t e m p l o y i n g as m a n y p e o p l e as possible t o w o r k for y o u a n d g i v i n g u p any h o p e o f ever b e i n g solitary.

T h e j e e p was filled w i t h g r ins , suitcases, a r m s a n d legs. All Narendra ' s staff l ined u p at t h e f a r m gate a n d b o w e d d e e p l y w i t h fo lded h a n d s . Spi r i tua l i n s u r a n c e in t h e f o r m o f y o g u r t a n d j a g g e r y (raw sugar) was c o n s u m e d , hands w e r e b r o u g h t t o g e t h e r i n v o k i n g D e v i t o w a t c h o u t for us . K h a n j i t o o t e d t h e h o r n several t imes a n d e v e r y o n e l a u g h e d a n d ta lked above e v e r y o n e else. E v e r y o n e e x c e p t M e m s a h i b w h o smi led in a s t ra ined sort o f way .

' N o n e e d to call m e M e m s a h i b . Ca l l m e R o b y n . ' .„ 'Yes, M e m s a h i b . ' So unl ike ly was it t ha t M e m s a h i b c o u l d h a n d l e a j e e p tha t

w h e n I sugges ted I d r ive K h a n j i m e r e l y smi led . W e w e r e t o m e e t an i m p o r t a n t m a n in C h e r a i , a vil lage sixty k i l ome t r e s n o r t h o f

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J o d h p u r a l o n g t h e Ja isa lmer road . T h a t i m p o r t a n t m a n w o u l d i n t r o ­d u c e us t o an i m p o r t a n t m a n w h o w o u l d i n t r o d u c e us t o t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t m a n o f a R a i k a vil lage. O r pe rhaps I'd g o t it all w r o n g . I w o u l d s imply have t o wa i t a n d see. After for ty k i l ome t r e s I i n d i c ­a ted in as c o m m a n d i n g a w a y as I c o u l d m u s t e r 'I wi l l n o w d r ive ' .

M e m s a h i b sat n e r v o u s l y b e h i n d t h e w h e e l . K h a n j i h a d b e e n p e r f o r m i n g h i g h speed w h e e l i e s t h r o u g h t h e d u n e s a n d she wasn ' t sure tha t she c o u l d m a t c h his style. All w e n t we l l un t i l w e r e a c h e d a d r y r i v e r - b e d w i t h t w o tyre t racks across it . I c h a n g e d i n t o f o u r -w h e e l a n d s lowly n e g o t i a t e d t h e rocks . T h e r e was a b u m p . A s tone h a d b e e n d i s lodged b y t h e front w h e e l a n d h a d p u n c t u r e d o u r diesel t ank . W e w e r e s t r anded in t h e deser t , s u r r o u n d e d b y e m p t y d u n e s . -,

M o s t m e n w h e n faced w i t h a ca lami ty s u c h as this w o u l d at t h e v e r y least k i ck a tyre a n d say s o m e t h i n g unp leasan t . N o t so these Rajas than is . T h e y l a u g h e d , t hey t o ld j o k e s , t h e y b r o u g h t o u t a tiffin, t h e y spread ma t s i n t h e miser ly shade o f an acra bush , t hey t o o k t u r n s in s l iding u n d e r t h e car a n d ge t t i ng cove red in grease a n d diesel, t hey w e n t t o inspec t t h e gui l ty r o c k in o r d e r t o assure M e m s a h i b tha t it wasn ' t h e r fault. H o w e v e r , all t he i r assurances c o u l d n o t save m y face a n d t h e l eadersh ip ro le was tacit ly h a n d e d b a c k t o K h a n j i w h o now, h a v i n g e m p t i e d w h a t r e m a i n e d o f o u r diesel i n t o a con ta ine r , t o o k t h e m i l k o f an acra leaf, s o m e soap a n d a rag w i t h w h i c h t o t r y t o fix t h e ho l e .

A m a n o n a b icyc le e m e r g e d o u t o f n o t h i n g n e s s a n d sat d o w n to enjoy t h e show. A lit t le later, a family o n a c a m e l cart . E v e n t u ­ally a f a r m e r o n a t r ac to r pu l l ed up . I use t h e t e r m ' t r ac to r ' loose ly he r e . M o s t o f t h e o u t e r s t ruc tures b y w h i c h o n e w o u l d r ecogn ize it as such w e r e miss ing, so tha t it l o o k e d l ike an insect s o m e boys h a d t o r t u r e d . T h e f a r m e r s t o o d b a c k a n d sc ra tched u n d e r his t u r b a n , assessing t h e d a m a g e to m y vehic le . T h e n h e t o o k t h e c o n t a i n e r o f j e t t i s o n e d diesel, l o d g e d it u n d e r t h e b o n n e t , fixed it d o w n w i t h bits o f t o r n rag , pu l l ed t h e c o n n e c t i n g hoses o u t o f t h e d a m a g e d t a n k u n d e r t h e chassis a n d r e - r o u t e d t h e m u p t h r o u g h t h e b o d y o f t h e car, r ea l ign ing t h e w h o l e fuel sys tem so tha t it fed f rom t h e makeshif t con ta ine r , a n d s tar ted t h e e n g i n e . N o t o n l y d id it w o r k , it g o t us safely t h r o u g h a c o u p l e o f h u n d r e d k i l ome t r e s o f

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sand a n d r o c k a n d was later, w i t h s o m e re f inemen t s o f e n g i n e e r ­ing , m a d e a p e r m a n e n t i m p r o v e m e n t o n t h e s t ruc tu re o f t h e j e e p . T h e f a r m e r t o o k a c igare t te for his pa ins a n d refused food .

W e drove o n , m e t t h e i m p o r t a n t m a n , w h o i n t r o d u c e d us t o t h e i m p o r t a n t m a n , w h o t o o k us t o m e e t t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t R a i k a . In t h e m e a n t i m e w e h a d s o m e h o w co l l ec ted a n o t h e r ha l f -dozen he lpe rs . T h e m o s t difficult aspect o f tha t j o u r n e y for m e was n o t t h e imposs ibi l i ty o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g w h a t was said o r w h a t was g o i n g o n , o r t r y i n g t o b r e a t h e in a j e e p full o f m e n a n d b u r n i n g gr i t , o r even t h e sense o f b e i n g an ent i re ly useless h u m a n b e i n g . It was t h e fact o f h a v i n g b o d i l y func t ions . R a j p u t ladies s e e m e d n o t t o have t h e m . N a r e n d r a ' s sister M i n u o n c e to ld m e tha t t h e p r i n ­cesses c o u l d h o l d the i r b ladders all t h e w a y t o D e l h i if n e e d be , r a the r t h a n r isk i m m o d e s t y b y g o i n g b e h i n d a b u s h , a n d she h e r ­self h a d o n l y r ecen t ly w o r k e d u p t h e c o u r a g e to d e m a n d to b e let o u t o f t h e car. T o hel l w i t h tha t I t h o u g h t . B u t e u p h e m i s m s w e r e necessary . 'Please, K h a n j i , c o u l d y o u s top t h e car? I w a n t t o have a wash. ' T h i s , in t h e m i d d l e o f deser t w i t h n o w a t e r for mi les . M y c o m p a n i o n s w o u l d gaze o u t o f t h e w i n d o w s o r at the i r h a n d s a n d the i r faces w o u l d take o n p a i n e d express ions as if I'd j u s t said 'I w a n t t o s t r ip n a k e d a n d d a n c e o n t h e b o n n e t o f t h e j e e p ' . A n d it's n o t easy re l iev ing your se l f w h e n y o u k n o w t h e r e is a car load o f m e n d y i n g o f e m b a r r a s s m e n t n o t t w e n t y yards away.

T h e i m p o r t a n t m a n o f t h e vil lage, a b e a r d e d a n d e m a c i a t e d anc ien t , assured m e tha t t h e r e w o u l d b e n o p r o b l e m in m y l iv ing w i t h his c o m m u n i t y a n d yes I c o u l d travel w i t h t h e m . W h y n o t ? T h e y used to take t he i r camels i n t o Pakis tan, t o S i n d h , before Pa r t i t i on b u t now, usually, t hey w e n t n o r t h - e a s t t o U t t a r P radesh . H e p o p p e d a little greasy b lack stuff i n his m o u t h a n d smi led beatifically.

' I f y o u g o w i t h us y o u wil l live o n n o t h i n g b u t c a m e l mi lk . I myse l f o n c e j o u r n e y e d t h r o u g h t h e T h a r for over a m o n t h w i t h ­o u t even w a t e r . . . b u t I h a d a f - h e e m , o f course . ' H e h a n d e d m e s o m e b lack stuff w h i c h tas ted b i t t e r b u t after a few m i n u t e s I, t o o , smi led a n d d e c i d e d tha t for t hose w h o h a d to cross b u r n i n g deserts w i t h n o t h i n g b u t m i l k for sus tenance , o p i u m was a necessary p a r t o f t h e luggage .

' A n d h o w o ld are y o u , H a r u R a m j i ? ' I was i m a g i n i n g h e c o u l d

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tell m e s tor ies da t i ng f r o m t h e p rev ious c e n t u r y . ' I a m fifty-three, ' h e said, t h e n added , w h e n h e n o t e d t h e l o o k o n m y face, ' T h e life o f a n o m a d is ve ry hard. ' M o h a n j i exp la ined tha t o p i u m improves t h e m i n d b u t destroys t h e b o d y . A n o t h e r n o t e d tha t t h e w o m e n n e v e r t o o k it unless t h e y w e r e ill, a p o i n t w h i c h in i t i a ted a genera l discussion a b o u t t h e in te l lec tua l s u p e r i o r i t y o f R a b a r i w o m e n over t he i r m e n . T h i s m e n t a l d i m o r p h i s m was r e m a r k e d u p o n c o u n d e s s t imes t h r o u g h o u t R a j a s t h a n — R a b a r i w o m e n w e r e clever, s h r e w d , o u t s p o k e n a n d wise ; R a b a r i m e n w e r e qu ie t , s imple a n d t h i c k as p lanks . T h e e x p l a n a t i o n for this was tha t t h e m e n , f rom t h e age o f seven, w e r e o u t w i t h t h e he rds , h a n d -s p i n n i n g w o o l a n d ta lk ing t o themse lves , w h i l e t h e w o m e n d id all k inds o f w o r k , par t icu lar ly ba rga in ing a n d m o n e y m a n a g e m e n t . H a r u R a m j i t u c k e d a n o t h e r p i ece o f a f - h e e m in his m o u t h a n d c h u c k l e d i n a s imple sor t o f way . S imp le l ike a wolf.

' D o y o u smugg le it i n f rom Pakis tan? ' I asked. I was assured tha t t h e R a i k a w e r e m u c h t o o i n n o c e n t t o d o s u c h a t h i n g . N o , t h e smuggle rs w e r e mos t l y f rom o r g a n i z e d c r i m e cartels based in B o m b a y . A l c o h o l w e n t n o r t h a n d h e r o i n c a m e s o u t h a l o n g t h e anc i en t s i lk - t rad ing r o u t e , s tashed in t h e chassis o f fa t - ty red j e e p s w i t h s m o k e d w i n d o w s w h i c h w e r e n o w as c o m m o n p l a c e as d r o m e ­dar ies i n t h e deser t c i tadel o f Jaisalmer. S o m e t i m e s t h e y sen t r i d e r ­less camels h o m e to villages in Pakis tan , l aden d o w n w i t h b o o t l e g . If t h e y w e r e c a p t u r e d b y t h e B o r d e r Secu r i t y Forces , wel l , i t was p r e t t y h a r d t o ex t rac t i n f o r m a t i o n f rom a came l . La te r I was t o f ind o u t t ha t t h e R a i k a , w h o h a d b e g u n m i g r a t i n g t h r o u g h t h e o p i u m be l t o f M a d h y a P r a d e s h w h e r e p o p p i e s are g r o w n legally, d id i n d e e d smugg le it across t h e state b o r d e r t i ed t o t h e bellies o f t he i r sheep .

W e a r r ived at a 3 6 0 - f o o t - d e e p wel l i n t h e m i d d l e o f l o w d u n e s w h e r e s o m e y o u n g m e n dressed in rags w e r e c lus tered a r o u n d a p o c k e t r ad io l i s ten ing t o t h e n e w s . A p a r t f rom t h e t u r b u l e n c e in t h e c o u n t r y over t h e A y o d h y a fiasco, t h e cen t ra l g o v e r n m e n t h a d recen t ly a c c e p t e d t h e findings o f t h e M a n d a l C o m m i s s i o n R e p o r t w h i c h r e c o m m e n d e d t ha t t h e pr iv i leges o f rese rva t ion ( jobs o r un ivers i ty p lacements ) b e g iven to ' o t h e r b a c k w a r d classes'. If t h e g o v e r n m e n t ac t ed u p o n this r e p o r t t h e R a i k a s t o o d to ga in c e r ­ta in pr iv i leges . B u t this s e e m e d un l ike ly because so far m o r e t h a n

a h u n d r e d univers i ty s tuden t s h a d b u r n e d themse lves alive in p ro tes t a n d t h e ca rnage was c o n t i n u i n g .

H a r u R a m j i s tared at t h e g r o u n d , followed s o m e tracks a n d a n n o u n c e d tha t t h e camels w o u l d r e t u r n in hal f a n h o u r . I was p r e p a r e d to bel ieve tha t pagis (trackers) c o u l d ident i fy a camel 's p a r e n t a g e b y s t u d y i n g its foo tp r in t ; I was n o t p r e p a r e d to be l ieve tha t H a r u R a m j i c o u l d read t h e fu ture o n t h e g r o u n d . H a l f an h o u r later t h e herds c a m e w a n d e r i n g in . H a r u R a m j i p i c k e d an acra leaf, m a d e it i n t o a cup , m i l k e d a she came l a n d gave m e t h e frothy d r i n k . It h a d a n u t t y flavour a n d ve ry lit t le fat. I c o u l d t h i n k o f a lo t b e t t e r th ings t o live o n b u t I c o u l d also t h i n k o f w o r s e .

N o t for t h e last t i m e I cu r sed m y l inguis t ic i g n o r a n c e . A t least o n e t h i n g was ev iden t as I sat u n d e r t h e trees a n d floundered in a s w a m p o f s o u n d . T h e R a i k a w e r e in t roub le a n d w h e n it c a m e to a r t i cu la t ing t he i r mis fo r tunes these n o r m a l l y t a c i t u r n m e n b e c a m e e l o q u e n t .

Prev ious ly , f a rmers a n d pastoralists h a d en joyed a s o m e w h a t symbio t i c re la t ionship , t h e graziers p r o v i d i n g t h e fa rmers w i t h an ima l d u n g fertilizer. T h e r e was e n o u g h r o o m for e v e r y o n e a n d e n o u g h g raz ing t o p rov ide for v is i t ing herds as wel l as local a n i ­mals . T h e re la t ionsh ip b e t w e e n seden ta ry a n d pe r ipa t e t i c peop le s h a d n o d o u b t always r equ i r ed d i p l o m a c y b u t these days it c o u l d b e explosive.

Today , t h e r e is fifty p e r c e n t less l and available for g raz ing t h a n t h e r e was j u s t t e n years ago. T h e e n o r m o u s increase in g o v e r n ­m e n t wells has m e a n t tha t n e w l y i r r iga ted farms c log t h e m i g r a ­t i o n rou tes , t u r n i n g na tura l pas tu re l and i n t o salty wastes after o n l y a few years . Small-scale peasants are usually close t o des t i tu t ion , so a l t h o u g h t hey still w a n t t h e animal 's d u n g t hey d o n o t w a n t t h e he rds ea t ing t h e on ly c rop s t and ing b e t w e e n t h e m and r u i n , o r d e c i m a t i n g t h e g raz ing tha t sustains the i r o w n animals . D u r i n g m i g r a t i o n fights are prevalent , p e o p l e are ki l led a n d w h e n the re is t r oub l e t h e po l i ce a lmos t always take t h e side o f t h e s eden ta ry folk f rom w h o m t h e y sk im off t h e b u l k o f the i r illicit i n c o m e . A n d g o v e r n m e n t s n e v e r l ike n o m a d s .

D i d t h e R a i k a have the i r o w n ancestral lands , I asked. Yes, these h a d b e e n g iven to t h e m b y the i r R a j p u t ru lers u n d e r t h e o ld j a j m a n i sys tem o f feudal Ra ja s than . B u t t hey w e r e insignif icant ,

cer ta in ly t o o small t o sustain herds o r t o m a k e farms o u t of. T h e y g r e w a li t t le bajri (millet) before m o n s o o n a n d if t h e rains c a m e t h e y h a d g ra in to eat, if n o t . . . I h a d seen this stuff s t ick ing o u t o f t h e sides o f s a n d - d u n e s , sparse as p u b e s c e n t wh i ske r s . In any case these m e n s e e m e d t o resen t t h e idea o f h a v i n g t o b e c o m e fa rmers . T h e y w a n t e d to b e a l lowed to d o w h a t t hey h a d always d o n e so wel l a n d prof i tably — graze animals .

M a n y R a i k a w e r e s w i t c h i n g f rom camels t o sheep w h i c h are less pres t ig ious b u t m o r e lucrat ive. S h e e p feed o n c rop s tubble o r sho r t pas ture ( thus d o i n g m o r e d a m a g e t h a n t h e came l a n d en la r ­g i n g t h e deser t wastes) , so m i g r a t i o n pa t t e rns n o w t e n d e d to e x ­p lo i t r iver systems o r f a r m i n g c o u n t r y w h e r e t h e feed is bes t a n d also t h e safest. (In t h e j u n g l e t h e animals are vu lne r ab l e t o a t tack b y jackals a n d thieves.) D r o u g h t s , mi l i t a ry n o - g o areas, a t o m i c tes t ing sites, pol i t ical b o u n d a r i e s , c losure o f g o v e r n m e n t forests, t h e spread o f subsidized ag r i cu l tu re — all these factors have forced t h e pas tora l n o m a d s t o shift fu r ther a n d fu r the r sou th , o u t o f t h e deser ts a n d i n t o t h e g r e e n e r par ts o f t h e c o u n t r y .

M y v i s ion o f w h o l e c o m m u n i t i e s se t t ing off f rom t h e d u n e s o f t h e T h a r D e s e r t w i t h the i r t h o u s a n d camels , t he i r hear t s set u p o n P u s h k a r as Ja isa lmer m e l t e d i n t o fata Morganas b e h i n d t h e m , was bad ly m o t h - e a t e n . T h e r e w e r e vi r tual ly n o R a i k a left i n t h e Ja isa lmer area a n d those w h o r e m a i n e d , h a v i n g d i m i n i s h e d the i r herds d u r i n g f amine years , on ly m i g r a t e d d u r i n g excep t iona l ly b a d d r o u g h t s . T h e o ld p a t t e r n s o f m i g r a t i o n , w h i c h o n a m a p m i g h t l o o k l ike a n c i e n t r iver systems, w e r e n o w m o r e l ike feeble s t reams ins inua t ing themse lves a r o u n d count less obs t ruc t i ons , w h o s e beds c h a n g e d con t inua l ly a n d in w h i c h local eddies w e r e f o r m e d b y a backpressure o f p o p u l a t i o n . T h e r e was s imply n o r o o m left i n India , a n d t h e n o m a d s , desp i te all t he i r flexibility, p r a g m a t i s m a n d skill, w o u l d b e t h e first t o b e s q u e e z e d o u t o f ex i s tence .

W e all s tared s o l e m n l y at t h e g r o u n d in front o f us as conve r sa ­t i o n lapsed. Even tua l ly I asked if I m i g h t m e e t t h e w o m e n . So far i n Ra ja s than , I h a d n o t so m u c h as n o d d e d to a n o t h e r female. T h e y w e r e e i t he r l o c k e d u p in p u r d a h o r o u t i n t h e fields w o r k i n g w h i l e t he i r m e n sat i n d o o r w a y s s m o k i n g b i r i a n d y a r n i n g .

T h e R a i k a c o m p o u n d was b e y o n d sight o f t h e vil lage a n d o p e n e d o u t w a r d s t o t h e ' j ung le ' — a n y w h e r e n o t cul t iva ted o r

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p o p u l a t e d . A few small j h u m p a s w e r e enc losed b y a l o w wall . All t h e surfaces w e r e pale o c h r e m u d a n d d u n g w h i c h t h e w o m e n plas tered over s tone each year. D o o r s a n d lintels w e r e d e c o r a t e d w i t h w h i t e w a s h . T h e roofs w e r e m a d e o f sticks k n o t t e d to f o r m a c o n e . E v e r y t h i n g was nea t , swept a n d aesthet ical ly pleasing.

I was e sco r t ed i n t o a j h u m p a t o sit w i t h t h e m e n . T h e w o m e n p o k e d in t he i r heads f rom t i m e t o t i m e to take a l o o k at m e . To d o this t hey h a d t o m a k e a li t t le p e e p - h o l e in t h e o rn i s (shawls) w h i c h h i d t he i r faces. T h e y h a d n e v e r seen a E u r o p e a n before a n d t he re was a lo t o f g igg l ing a n d w h i s p e r i n g ou t s ide t h e doo r . N o o n e s e e m e d t o k n o w q u i t e w h a t t o d o w i t h m e a n d t h e shyness was m u t u a l . M y c o m p a n i o n s ta lked a m o n g themse lves w h i l e I i m a g i n e d g o i n g to sit w i t h M o r n a t w h o , b e i n g an u n t o u c h a b l e , was n o t a l lowed ins ide t h e c o m p o u n d b u t w a i t e d a lone at t h e p e r i m e t e r , d r i n k i n g f rom his o w n p o l l u t i n g cup . M y rever ie was p e n e t r a t e d b y t w o devas ta t ing p ieces o f i n f o r m a t i o n w h i c h m a n ­aged t o scale t h e l anguage bar r ie r . Firstly, these w o m e n n o l o n g e r travelled w i t h t h e m e n o n m i g r a t i o n . I t was t o o d a n g e r o u s . S e c o n d ­ly, t he r e w o u l d b e n o m i g r a t i o n this year because t h e m o n s o o n h a d b e e n uncharac te r i s t ica l ly g e n e r o u s h e r e t h e p r ev ious season.

D a s h e d h o p e s lay all over t h e floor. I asked if t h e y w e r e t ak ing any camels for sale t o t h e C h a i t r i fair a n d if so c o u l d I g o w i t h t h e m ? C e r t a i n l y b u t n o w o m e n ever w e n t t o tha t par t i cu la r fair. Wel l t h e n , c o u l d I c o m e t o stay w i t h t h e w o m e n h e r e in t h e village, t h e n take off w i t h t h e m e n w h e n C h a i t r i t i m e came? E v e r y o n e ag reed tha t this was a sensible idea . I c o u l d d o tha t a n d still k e e p l o o k i n g for p e o p l e w h o would b e m i g r a t i n g .

Even tua l ly t h e w o m e n inv i t ed m e i n t o the i r j h u m p a for m o r e tea a n d as I left t h e m e n I sensed a t ense e x p e c t a n c y , l e ad ing m e t o suspect tha t o rn i s o r n o , t h e females called t h e shots a r o u n d h e r e a n d tha t m y plans d e p e n d e d u p o n the i r g o o d o p i n i o n . T h e little r o u n d r o o m was dark a n d coo l . H a n d m a d e mats w e r e s tacked t o o n e side a n d a t iny fireplace was set in t h e floor. T h e r e was n o c h i m n e y b u t c r o o k e d w i n d o w s set a c ross-breeze , a n d recesses i n t h e walls h e l d pe r sona l possessions — s o m e brass po t s , w e d ­d i n g p h o t o s p o s e d a w k w a r d l y i n a s tudio , p ic tures o f va r ious gods , goddesses a n d deceased relatives in a sh r ine . I sat o n t h e floor s u r r o u n d e d b y at least t w e n t y w o m e n .

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N o w , m y k i n d o f w o r k is of ten m a d e m o r e difficult by t h e fact o f m y sex a n d I have f o u n d it p r u d e n t n o t t o call a t t e n t i o n t o it w h e n I ' m o n t h e j o b . F o r this p ro jec t I h a d c h o s e n n e c k - t o - a n k l e -t o - w r i s t c r e a m c o t t o n k u r t a pajamas. M y ha i r was pu l l ed b a c k in a b u n a n d I w o r e n e i t h e r m a k e - u p n o r j ewe l l e ry . I l o o k e d as a l lu r ­i n g as a c o w pat . C r a m m e d i n t o tha t t iny r o o m w e r e t h e m o s t g l a m o r o u s creatures i m a g i n a b l e w i t h k o h l - r i m m e d eyes, per fec t w h i t e t e e th , bangles u p t o the i r a rmp i t s , ea r r ings a n d nose r ings a n d silver balls dang l ing h e r e a n d the re , a k i l o g r a m o f silver a r o u n d each ankle ( w o m e n ca r ry m u c h o f t h e family w e a l t h in t h e f o r m o f j ewe l l e ry , a hab i t w h i c h s o m e t i m e s ent ices band i t s t o sever l imbs f rom l iv ing bod ies ) , ca l f - length skirts c o n t a i n i n g m a n y yards o f p r i n t e d c o t t o n , r e d - p i n k - y e l l o w - b l u e mus l in o r n i s t i t ched over w i t h silver - a n d from each o f t hose Valkyries a r e i n e d - i n e n e r g y w h i c h m a d e m e feel t ha t if I lit a m a t c h t h e w h o l e j h u m p a w o u l d e x p l o d e .

A sen io r w o m a n (a w i d o w a n d therefore dressed in d e m u r e m a r o o n w i t h on ly a few lashings o f meta l ) s h u s h e d e v e r y o n e a n d t u r n e d h e r a t t e n t i o n t o m e . She d id n o t be l ieve tha t I c o u l d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d w h a t she said so she p u s h e d h e r face ve ry close to m i n e a n d r e p e a t e d ques t ions in a we l l - a r t i cu la t ed sc ream. B u t g e s ­tural l anguage is universal , so s lowly w e c a m e to u n d e r s t a n d o n e a n o th e r . N o , I d id n o t have ch i ld ren . ( C o n s t e r n a t i o n a n d m u t t e r ­ing.) W h y ? I t h o u g h t rapidly . Because m y h u s b a n d d ied y o u n g . (Sighs o f c o m m i s e r a t i o n a n d n o d d i n g heads.) Parents? B o t h dead . (Gene ra l m u r m u r i n g . ) A n d h o w m a n y b ro the r s? I have o n e sister. W h a t n o b ro the r s? N o b r o t h e r s . (A sense o f t r agedy in t h e air.) A n d does y o u r sister have sons? F o u r daugh te r s . T h e r e was r e spec t ­ful s i lence i n t h e p r e sence o f o n e so p e r s e c u t e d b y b a d l u c k a n d m y i n t e r l o c u t o r pressed h e r h a n d s t o g e t h e r a n d ind i ca t ed a ce les­tial B h a g w a n w h o , she s e e m e d to suggest , m o v e d in mys t e r i ous ways . I let o u t o n e o f t h o s e noises w h i c h speak o f suffering bravely e n d u r e d , t h e n l eavened t h e m o o d b y l i gh t ing a bad ly n e e d e d cigaret te .

I a l ready k n e w tha t a w o m a n s m o k i n g was c o n s i d e r e d r i sque b u t i n this m a t t e r refused to m a k e myse l f acceptab le . W h e n t h e r i o t h a d subs ided I rece ived affectionate hugs power fu l e n o u g h to k n a c k e r horses a n d friendly shoves tha t t o p p l e d m e over. S u d d e n l y

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w e w e r e t a lk ing o r r a t h e r m i m i n g a b o u t sex. T w o fingers h i t t h e b a c k o f t h e o p p o s i t e h a n d amids t r iba ld guffaws. O t h e r , m o r e expl ic i t gestures w e r e used . ' C o u l d w o m e n in m y c o u n t r y take n e w husbands? ' H a l f a n h o u r la ter I s taggered o u t o f tha t j h u m p a d r e n c h e d i n sweat b u t h o l d i n g t h e t r e e - b a r k h a n d s o f m a n y n e w friends.

I r e t u r n e d t o J o d h p u r t o p repa re for m y m o n t h s in t h e vil lage. A w e e k la ter Takat S i n g h i n f o r m e d m e tha t t h e w o m e n h a d

c h a n g e d the i r m i n d s a b o u t l e t t ing m e live w i t h t h e m . T h e y w e r e f lat tered tha t I w a n t e d t o w r i t e a b o u t the i r lives a n d h a d ta lked o f little else s ince m y visit. B u t t he r e was a p r o b l e m : ' H o w wil l w e o p e n u p t o h i m ? ' t h e y h a d said. 'We ' l l b e t o o shy.' Him? N o w I k n e w w h a t all t ha t c h e s t - p r o d d i n g h a d b e e n a b o u t .

T h e y h a d exp l a ined t h e p r o b l e m to Takat . T h r e e o r four c e n t u r ­ies ago a g r o u p o f i t i ne ran t ac tors h a d asked for t h e p r o t e c t i o n o f s o m e travel l ing R a i k a . It was g iven and , as is p rope r , t h e female guests slept b y t h e w o m e n a n d t h e m a l e guests b y t h e m e n . B u t t h e r e was s o m e t h i n g fishy a b o u t t h o s e actresses because n i n e m o n t h s after t h e y h a d left even u n m a r r i e d girls f o u n d themse lves w i t h chi ld . M y fr iends h a d l iked m e b u t t h e y d id n o t w a n t tha t t o h a p p e n t o t h e m , t h a n k y o u v e r y m u c h .

N a r e n d r a l a u g h e d a n d said tha t a few false starts w e r e o n l y t o b e e x p e c t e d ; M i n u sen t a message sugges t ing I visit t h e R a i k a i n N a d o l , a vil lage a b o u t t h i r ty k i l ome t r e s f rom h e r o w n village G h a n e r a o . She also sugges ted tha t I w e a r a skirt , a l o n g skirt . I d rove o u t t o N a d o l t h r o u g h typical Aravalli R a n g e s c o u n t r y : g r a n ­i te o u t c r o p p i n g s , n a k e d b u t for a few gullies o f m o n s o o n forest o r a single, w h i t e - p a i n t e d e l e p h a n t s t a t ioned o n a s u m m i t e te rna l ly su rvey ing t h e fa rmlands be low. Lit t le t emp le s b u r r o w e d i n t o s tone crevices; stairs w e r e c u t i n t o rockfaces l ead ing u p to t h e sky. N o t so l o n g a g o this h a d b e e n j u n g l e , w h e r e mahara jahs h u n t e d for t h e last o f t h e t igers .

O r i g i n a l l y t h e N a d o l R a i k a h a d c o m e f rom J o d h p u r dis t r ic t b u t fifty years a g o t h e r e h a d b e e n s o m e family d i s a g r e e m e n t so a b r o t h e r a n d his family h a d m o v e d s o u t h . Gradua l ly o t h e r s fo l ­l o w e d , m a r r i a g e s o c c u r r e d a n d n o w the i r n u m b e r s w e r e in t h e h u n d r e d s .

N a d o l was m u c h wea l th i e r t h a n C h e r a i . N e w b r i c k houses

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w e r e b e i n g bu i l t t o rep lace p re t t i e r b u t m o r e fragile j h u m p a s . T h e r e was a li t t le t e m p l e to P a b u j i , an i m p o r t a n t h is tor ica l h e r o -c u m - d e i t y t o all t h e R a b a r i . I was g r e e t e d b y t h e m e n as usual a n d t a k e n t o sit in a separate c o m p o u n d . Tea was b r o u g h t a n d yes I was m o s t w e l c o m e to stay t h e n igh t . B u t I c o u l d see t h e y felt as a w k w a r d as I d id . A l o n g s h a d o w fell across t h e g r o u n d in front o f m e . I l o o k e d u p t o see a m o s t as ton i sh ing crea ture . I t h o u g h t at first it was a e u n u c h o r a m a n in drag . C o u l d a w o m a n b e six foo t t w o a n d have feet a n d h a n d s l ike a Clydesdale? C o u l d a w o m a n have such a face? W o m a n she was , a boss w i d o w , a n d h e r n a m e was T e e p u .

' T e e p u j i , m a y I sleep at y o u r h o u s e t o n i g h t ? ' H e r m o n s t r o u s m o u t h spread six inches t o display t w o l o n g , e i g h t y - y e a r - o l d t e e t h s t u d d e d w i t h gold . She lifted m e off t h e c h a r p o i (s t r ing co t ) , c r u s h e d m y ribs i n an e m b r a c e a n d m a r c h e d m e away f rom t h e m e n .

As e v e n i n g fell I obse rved t h e vil lage at w o r k . N o o n e h u r r i e d o r s t ra ined y e t each w e n t a b o u t his o r h e r tasks w i t h o u t p a u s i n g for rest. It was like w a t c h i n g t h e insides o f a Swiss c lock . S o m e w o m e n g r o u n d c o r n o r w h e a t o n h u g e r o u n d s tones . O t h e r s c a r r i ed h e a d - b u n d l e s o f leaves a n d grass for t h e sheep a n d goats n o w p e n n e d b e h i n d t h o r n fences bes ide t h e houses . Boys a n d girls s h i n n e d u p trees t o l o p off b r a n c h e s . A n d w h e r e b l u e s m o k e cu r l ed u p c o u l d b e h e a r d t h e ra t t l ing a n d p a t t i n g o f y o u n g m a r ­r i e d w o m e n c o o k i n g chapat i , h a m p e r e d by t h e w e i g h t o f bracele ts a n d t h e p e r p e t u a l ad ju s tmen t o f o r n i over t he i r faces.

A t seven o ' c l o c k th i r ty camels c a m e in . T h e y w e r e skeletal a n d covered in m a n g e . A y o u n g m a n r o d e r i n g e r a r o u n d t h e m ; h e h a d b e e n o u t g r az ing t h e m for t e n days. H e d i s m o u n t e d , p i c k e d u p a front leg o f each , tw i s t ed a r o p e u n d e r t h e h o c k , t h e n h o o k e d t h e foot t o t h e shou lder . T h e camels w e r e so passive t h e y a lmos t lifted t he i r legs t o have t h e ropes t ied .

To t h e c a m e l - h e r d i n g R a i k a fate h a d b e e n par t icu lar ly u n k i n d . W i t h t h e demise o f t h e R a j p u t ru lers after I n d e p e n d e n c e a n d t h e d isso lu t ion o f t h e p r i n c e l y states, t h e rajahs c o u l d n o l o n g e r afford to k e e p t h e herds o f camels w h i c h h a d supp l ied the i r a rmies , o r t h e R a i k a w h o b r e d a n d l o o k e d after t h e m . R a i k a status was d e t e r i o r a t i n g t o o because t h e social a n d e c o n o m i c ties w i t h t h e

23

nob i l i ty ( the R a i k a refer red t o themse lves as ' y o u n g e r b r o t h e r s t o t h e Ra jpu t s ' ) n o l o n g e r ex is ted in reali ty.

A p i n k m o o n rose, m a k i n g t h e tu rbans g l o w a n d t h e silver sh ine . Teepu 's family g a t h e r e d a r o u n d m e : t h r e e o r fou r y o u n g e r w o m e n , a d o z e n ch i ld ren — t iny th ings w i t h silver necklaces a n d n o kn ickers , w r a p p e d in r ed shawls. G r o u p s o f m e n c a m e by . I s lapped at s o m e m o s q u i t o e s . T h e b o y squa t t ing in front o f m e , s ta r ing i n t o m y face as if it was t h e s trangest t h i n g h e h a d ever seen , b r o k e i n t o an e n o r m o u s g r i n . ' A n o p h e l e s . Mala r i a . Typhoid , ' h e said — t h e o n l y Eng l i sh w o r d s h e k n e w a n d h e offered t h e m like a gift. A n o t h e r li t t le b o y b e g a n t o cry . E v e r y o n e l a u g h e d at h i m a n d said, ' O h , he's s i ng ing again. He ' s always s inging. ' T h e wails b e c a m e loude r , as d id t h e l aughte r . H i s m o t h e r t o ld h i m n o t t o m a k e such a b i g no ise in front o f t h e gues t a n d p u t h e r h a n d gen t ly o n his m o u t h . N o w his screeches c o u l d b e h e a r d in G h a n e r a o . H i s fa ther c a m e a n d c u d d l e d h i m , his g r a n n i e kissed h i m , his uncles p a t t e d his cheeks , his feet, his hair , his m o t h e r w i p e d his tears w i t h h e r o r n i . H e was passed f rom e m b r a c e t o l ov ing e m b r a c e . I have a t h e o r y a b o u t I n d i a n self-assurance. I t does n o t o r i g i n a t e i n t h e comfor t s o f r e l ig ion . It o r ig ina tes i n c h i l d h o o d w h e n a n y o n e u n d e r t e n is a d o r e d b e y o n d measu re . Ind ians m a y t e n d t o b e a n x i o u s w h e n away f rom the i r family o r t he i r g r o u p b u t t hey d o n o t c a r ry tha t b o d i l y anx ie ty , t h e sense o f n e v e r b e i n g qu i t e at rest, t ha t seems t o bedev i l so m a n y w e s t e r n e r s . -

Six cha rpo i s w e r e b r o u g h t o u t f rom t h e t w o r o o m s ins ide t h e h o u s e a n d l i ned u p o n t h e p o r c h . N o w was t h e t i m e for re laxa t ion a n d conversa t ion . T h e o l d e r p e o p l e spoke in G o r w a r i t o t h e boys w h o w e n t t o s choo l , w h o t h e n t rans la ted i n t o H i n d i w h i l e I sea rched in m y d i c t i o n a r y o r le t l oose w i t h a r e p e r t o i r e o f charades a m i d exp los ions o f giggles.

'Are t he re sheep , goats a n d camels i n Australia? W h a t d o t h e y eat? W h a t is t h e p r i c e o f go ld a n d silver i n y o u r c o u n t r y ? W h y are y o u in te res ted in us R a i k a ? W e are p o o r p e o p l e a n d y o u are ve ry r ich. '

I t r i e d t o exp la in t o t h e m w h a t I w a n t e d t o do . 'But , ' t h e y said, ' w e d o n o t m i g r a t e any m o r e . O n l y if t he r e is a

b a d d r o u g h t a n d even t h e n t h e w o m e n rarely c o m e . '

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A t least that 's w h a t I t h o u g h t t h e y said b u t la ter I t h o u g h t t h e y said t h e y w e r e t ak ing camels t o Pushkar , a j o u r n e y w h i c h w o u l d surely last w e e k s .

' A n d wil l w o m e n g o to P u s h k a r ? ' 'Absolute ly , ' said T e e p u , ' a n d y o u can c o m e w i t h me. ' So t h e r e

it was , a n e w p lan falling, fully f o r m e d , i n t o m y lap. T h e r e was t r e m e n d o u s e x c i t e m e n t at t h e idea o f m y g o i n g w i t h t h e m a n d T e e p u b e g a n to desc r ibe t h e fun w e w o u l d have, e n d i n g h e r s p e e c h w i t h ' A n d t h e bus fare is o n l y t w e n t y rupees . '

'Bus? Y o u are g o i n g t o P u s h k a r b y busV 'Na tu ra l ly . H o w else? W h y w o u l d o n e w a l k w h e n o n e can take

a bus? ' ' B u t t h e camels ' T w o m e n wi l l g o w i t h t h e camels a n d it wi l l t ake t h e m t e n

days t o reach. ' Gradua l ly t h e m e n b e g a n dr i f t ing away, ch i ld ren fell asleep. I

h o p p e d o n to m y c h a r p o i a n d covered mysel f w i t h a qui l t . A ch i ld was t u c k e d in bes ide m e a n d T e e p u lay in t h e c o t a longside , a t e n -foo t p o l e in h e r h a n d . E v e r y o n e slept i n w h a t t hey w o r e : t h e w o m e n co r se t ed t o p t o b o t t o m in bangles a n d plaits a n d r ings a n d necklaces a n d p i x i e - h a t c o n t r a p t i o n s a n d silver l eg - i rons .

T e e p u slept four h o u r s tha t n i g h t d u r i n g w h i c h she w o u l d w a k e n , alert , at t h e smallest s o u n d , t e n d to a t r o u b l e d chi ld , p u l v e r ­ize t h e dogs w i t h h e r st ick o r snore like t h e D e l h i Express . As for m e , sleep was a shore tha t c o u l d n e v e r b e r e a c h e d . I was k e p t awake b y t h e dogs , t h e ch i ld in t h e c r o o k o f m y a r m , t h e c o u g h ­ing , spi t t ing, m u t t e r i n g a n d t h e rat w h i c h t r i ed to m a k e a nes t i n m y hair. Ten t imes I t h r e w t h e w r e t c h to t h e floor un t i l , after a b i t t e n finger, I d id as t h e o t h e r w o m e n did - cove red m y h e a d w i t h a shawl a n d suffocated w h i l e t h e rat (and his friends) ga l loped a l o n g m y qui l t . A t first f ish-bel ly l ight T e e p u was u p a n d at w o r k . H e r e a n ight ' s sleep was m o r e l ike an a f t e r n o o n nap, a n insignif icant pause in t h e e t e rna l sameness .

B y five t h e w h o l e vil lage was m o v i n g . T h e m e n d o c t o r e d t h e sheep before l e t t ing t h e m o u t t o graze b y t h r o w i n g s o m e p o w d e r in the i r pus-f i l led eyes, after w h i c h t h e w o m e n w o u l d spit i n t h e m a n d r u b t h e m . T h e camels w e r e u n h o b b l e d ; t h e y o u n g h e r d e r l eap t o n t o t h e b a c k o f o n e , l a u g h i n g a n d b e c k o n i n g m e u p

25

b e h i n d h i m . H o w dear ly I w o u l d have loved t o g o t h u n d e r i n g off i n t o t h e hills o n t h e b a c k o f tha t c ame l . B u t M i n u h a d w a r n e d m e a b o u t h o w a w o m a n s h o u l d behave . I h a d t h o u g h t m y c lo thes t h e last w o r d i n m o d e s t y b u t she sugges ted I cover mysel f m o r e , tha t I d o u p t h e t o p b u t t o n o n m y k u r t a , t ha t I w e a r an o r n i , tha t I h i d e t h e s t r ing o f m y pajamas f rom view. S h e said, ' E v e r y t h i n g has c h a n g e d in India . P e o p l e have n o fear any m o r e . A n d t h e y are fed o n these dreadful H i n d i films. T h e R a i k a g o t o P u s h k a r a n d see w e s t e r n girls, d r u g addicts , g o i n g off w i t h taxi wallahs for fifty r u p e e s . . . Y o u m u s t b e carefulV T h e came l h e r d e r d i sappeared i n t o t h e dust , s ing ing his h e a d off a n d d e c l a i m i n g his m a n h o o d t o t h e j u n g l e . W h e n it was t i m e to g o T e e p u t o o k m e aside a n d w h i s ­pe r ed , ' G o l d is c h e a p in y o u r c o u n t r y . W h e n y o u c o m e back , y o u b r i n g m e s o m e a n d w e wi l l b u r y it w h e r e n o o n e knows . '

Six w e e k s sped by . I v is i ted any n u m b e r o f villages g a t h e r i n g bits a n d p ieces o f i n f o r m a t i o n , all o f it conf l ic t ing. S o m e g r o u p s h a d sold t he i r he rds a n d t a k e n t o f a r m i n g , o r g o n e to seek t he i r fo r tunes in B o m b a y , o r w e r e sel l ing m i l k - a t a b o o o c c u p a t i o n un t i l recen t ly . A n d those w h o still m i g r a t e d e i the r w e n t i n a c o n ­t ra ry d i r ec t ion , o r h a d already b e e n , o r d id n o t have t o g o b e c a u s e o f g o o d rains, o r sen t t h e m e n a n d left t h e w o m e n b e h i n d . T h e o n l y t h i n g ce r ta in a b o u t any p l an I m a d e was tha t a day, at m o s t a w e e k before e x e c u t i o n , it d i s in tegra ted . T h a t I was t h e r e b y p a r t i c i ­p a t i n g in t h e reali ty o f n o m a d s w h o s e m o v e m e n t s d e p e n d e d o n such vagaries as t h e w e a t h e r a n d t h e co r rup t ib i l i t y o f pol i t ic ians d id n o t ease m y anx ie ty . W h e n e v e r I t h o u g h t I h a d f o u n d a g r o u p , s o m e e l e m e n t essential t o m y o w n o r t h e magazine ' s r e q u i r e m e n t s w o u l d b e f o u n d t o b e miss ing . O r t h e p e o p l e themse lves w o u l d t h i n k b e t t e r o f it because if s o m e t h i n g h a p p e n e d t o m e , w o u l d n ' t t h e y b e b l amed? T h e grac iousness o f t h e rura l p o o r w h i c h I e v e r y ­w h e r e e n c o u n t e r e d , the i r exagge ra t ed cour tes ies w h i c h so c h a r m e d m e a n d w h i c h at all costs t h e y s t ruggled to m a i n t a i n , was a d ign i ty o f l iv ing w h i c h h i d a reservoi r o f susp ic ion a n d fear.

I d rove m y j e e p f r o m village t o village un t i l t h e G u l f W a r s tar ted a n d Ind ia r a n o u t o f pe t ro l .

2

I f I h a d t o b e s t r anded a n y w h e r e Na rend ra ' s f a r m was as g o o d a p lace as I c o u l d w i s h for. A lit t le isolated pe rhaps as n o o n e w i t h i n c o o e e c o u l d speak Eng l i sh a n d m y hos t was s e l d o m at h o m e . B u t I c o u l d p u t t h e e m p t y days to g o o d use b y s t u dy in g H i n d i o n t h e p r i n c i p l e tha t o n c e I h a d abso rbed its syntax, it w o u l d b e b u t a small step t o p i c k i n g u p M a r w a r i o r G o r w a r i o r D i n g l e — o r a n y o f t h e o t h e r re la ted languages tha t t h e R a b a r i m i g h t speak.

I h a d a l a n g u a g e cassette a n d a c c o m p a n y i n g b o o k o f g r a m m a r b u t w h a t t h e y h a d n ' t t o ld m e in L o n d o n was tha t this was ' s h u d ' H i n d i , tha t is, H i n d i so h i g h , flowery a n d c o n v o l u t e d tha t n o o n e b u t newsreade r s a n d professors c o u l d u n d e r s t a n d it. T h e e x p l a n a ­t ions w e r e so a rcane I w o u l d have m a d e m o r e h e a d w a y w i t h a t e x t b o o k o n par t ic le physics .

Even tua l ly I a b a n d o n e d it . N o o n e o n t h e f a r m spoke H i n d i so it s e e m e d m o r e sensible t o t ry t o p i c k u p M a r w a r i f rom t h e se rv ­ants . T h e y w e r e all i l l i terate so I h a d t o i nven t m y o w n w r i t t e n sys tem for t h e t o n g u e - t o r t u r i n g p h o n e m e s . T h e y did t he i r bes t for m e , b r i n g i n g tea t o m y r o o m a n d s taying for b i r i , j o k e s a n d rec iproca l Eng l i sh lessons b u t t h e effort o f c o m m u n i c a t i n g was exhaus t ing . I f o u n d tha t w h e n I t r i ed to converse w i t h t h e m , F r e n c h w o u l d c o m e o u t o r s o m e m i x t u r e o f H i n d i a n d Japanese . O r w o r s e , tha t all t h e languages w o u l d c log t h e s p e e c h c h a n n e l so tha t n o t h i n g c a m e o u t at all. E v e n A b o r i g i n a l w o r d s , u n u s e d for m o r e t h a n a d o z e n years , rose f rom t h e b o t t o m o f m e m o r y t o m u d d y t h e l a n g u a g e I so despera te ly n e e d e d to master .

As t h e r e was n o o n e t o talk to , a n d as t h e servants refused t o be l ieve tha t I actually en joyed d o i n g th ings for myself, t h e af ter­n o o n s in paradise b e c a m e a little b o r i n g . Servants c o o k e d t h e

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meals , t hey sen t t h e w a s h i n g to t h e d h o b i ( launderer ) , t h e y c l eaned m y r o o m , t hey r u s h e d t o ca r ry m y bags, t h e y w e r e aghast at t h e idea tha t I s h o u l d w a n t t o stack t h e log fire - a n d if I w e n t t o t h e k i t c h e n t o t ry t o c o o k s o m e food tha t wasn ' t flammable w i t h chilli , t h e y h o v e r e d a n d g r i n n e d in a p a i n e d sor t o f way . N o d o u b t the i r Sahib h a d left ins t ruc t ions tha t I was t o b e wel l cared for a n d w h a t m i g h t t h e Sahib t h i n k o f t h e m if h e k n e w I was d o i n g the i r j o b . I gave in t o t he i r min i s t ra t ions o f cour se , b u t t h e desire t o r u n , t o lift, t o do — t h e habi ts o f a l i fe t ime — c o u l d n o t b e que l l ed so qu ick ly .

S o m e t i m e s I a c c o m p a n i e d M o r n a t t o a n e a r b y forest. W e w o u l d w a l k t o g e t h e r for a c o u p l e o f h o u r s w h i l e h e s h o w e d m e t h e tracks o f w i l d animals a n d t r i e d to t e ach m e the i r n a m e s . H e h a d t h e hab i t o f b r i n g i n g his h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n a namas t e at t h e slightest a c k n o w l e d g e m e n t o f his p resence . A n y smile, any a t t e m p t t o address h i m , a n d his b o d y w o u l d s h r i n k a n d t h e hands w o u l d c o m e u p - t h e tic o f s o m e o n e u s e d to l iv ing o n t h e b o t t o m o f t h e heap . B u t i n t h e j u n g l e , his t r u e e n v i r o n m e n t , his spiri t e x p a n d e d ( t h o u g h t h e h a n d s c o n t i n u e d t o fly t o his chest) a n d I was able t o r u n , t o lift, t o d o . O f t e n his t w o sons w o u l d a c c o m p a n y us. T h e y h a d the i r father's gypsy features -h o o k e d nose a n d a gaze c o n t a i n i n g distances — b u t un l ike h i m t h e y h a d n o t y e t b e e n h u m b l e d . T h e y s t o o d p r o u d as sea c a p ­tains a n d l o o k e d d i r ecdy i n t o m y eyes, l augh ing . Af terwards I w o u l d g o t o t he i r c a m p to b e m e t by fifty h u n t i n g dogs w h i c h M o r n a t bea t i n t o submiss ion w i t h a stick, t h e n s t roked w i t h t h e t e n d e r n e s s o f a St Francis w h e n t h e y c a m e c rawl ing o n the i r bellies t o his feet. I always t o o k a b o t t l e w i t h m e a n d t h e Jogis w o u l d dance , t h u m p i n g d r u m s a n d tw i r l i ng handkerch ie f s un t i l t h o r o u g h l y d r u n k , w h e t h e r o n m u s i c o r r o t - g u t w h i s k y it was difficult t o tell.

I f I h e a r d Narendra ' s j e e p ar r ive late at n i g h t I w o u l d p e e k t h r o u g h m y cur ta ins at d a w n to see h i m p e r f o r m i n g his pujas (prayers) at a sh r ine b y t h e wel l . T h e m a n s e e m e d n e v e r t o sleep. O n c e I h a d g o n e across t o t h e k i t c h e n at t h r ee in t h e m o r n i n g to find h i m w a s h e d a n d pressed a n d s i t t ing at his desk, w o r k i n g .

W h e n I first m e t h i m a d e c a d e ago, I h a d i m a g i n e d a k i n d o f

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rura l e s tab l i shment d a n d y d r o p p i n g i n t o t h e Legis la ture n o w a n d t h e n for a cha t w i t h his fel low p r i n c e s . B u t n o w , as I w a t c h e d h i m p e r f o r m , I r ega rded his pol i t ical c o m m i t m e n t w i t h s o m e t h i n g a p p r o a c h i n g awe . H e w o r k e d t w e n t y h o u r s a day a n d h e wasn ' t even in office. ( H e h a d lost his seat i n t h e R a j a s t h a n Legislative Assembly , i n t h e p rev ious e l ec t ion , by e igh ty vo tes , a n d was n o w d e m a n d i n g a r e - c o u n t . )

H i s k indness towards m e was unf lagg ing b u t t h e p r i n c e l y c o u r ­tesy w h i c h , desp i te his ant i -feudal is t s tance was as na tu ra l t o h i m as b r e a t h i n g , m a d e for a ce r t a in reserve. Besides tha t , o n m y rare forays i n t o ' J o d h p u r soc ie ty ' I h a d b e e n u n a b l e t o avoid t h e r u m o u r s c i rcu la t ing a b o u t h i m . N o o n e s e e m e d able t o say exact ly what h e h a d d o n e w r o n g , o n l y tha t h e had d o n e w r o n g . I k n e w tha t h e h a d b r o k e n social codes — h e h a d d ivorced his wife , l ived o p e n l y w i t h his lover, h a d fallen o u t w i t h ce r ta in m e m b e r s o f his family - b u t n o n e o f these s e e m e d h e i n o u s to m e . All m y inst incts h a d l ed m e t o t rus t a n d l ike N a r e n d r a b u t t h e gossip m a d e m e j u s t a t iny b i t w a r y o f h i m .

W h e n e v e r h e was h o m e o n e o f t h e servants w o u l d c o m e to invi te m e to an e v e n i n g m e a l b y t h e l og fire w i t h ' S a h i b ' . A n d as I p r e p a r e d mysel f I w o u l d declare tha t t o n i g h t I w o u l d m a k e u p m y m i n d a b o u t h i m . B u t inevi tably , in t h e mids t o f t h e b o u n t y o f t h e mea l , o f t h e d r i n k a n d firelight a n d stars, an awkwardnes s w o u l d descend . If I asked ques t ions a b o u t his life h e answered t h e m o p e n l y b u t w o u l d offer n o t h i n g fur ther . H e n e v e r i n d u l g e d in gossip o r s lander a n d if I h i n t e d at t h e s tories I h a d h e a r d a b o u t h i m h e d id n o t de fend h imse l f b u t re t rea ted i n t o t h o u g h t f u l s i lence. It was as if h e h a d l ea rn t t o mis t rus t w o r d s early o n , b u t h a d d e v e l o p e d a c o m p e n s a t o r y gift: h e c o u l d read o t h e r s w i t h o u t , i n t u r n , b e i n g read. O n these occas ions h e s e e m e d to b e t h e lonel ies t m a n o n ea r th a n d tha t in itself was e x t r a o r d i n a r y in a cu l tu re w h e r e e v e r y o n e is fundamen ta l ly a m e m b e r o f a g r o u p . I was l one ly t o o . L o n e l y e n o u g h t o b e de l igh t ed w h e n his j e e p a r r ived , y e t equal ly p leased t o re t reat i n t o m y o w n little r o o m after a n o t h e r inconc lus ive e v e n i n g a r o u n d t h e fire. As I lay awake at n i g h t p o n d e r i n g m y s t range c i rcumstances , I felt as if I h a d s trayed i n t o an E m i l y B r o n t e nove l . : S o t h e days o f t r y i n g t o find s o m e t h i n g to do , o f r ead ing b o o k

after b o o k , o f w a t c h i n g t h e progress o f t h e w a r o n H i n d i t e l e ­v is ion , w o r e i n t o w e e k s . A n d i n t o t h e spaces left b y idleness, a n d b y Na rend ra ' s si lence, c rep t d isquie t . T h e s tor ies against h i m b e c a m e m o r e d rama t i c . T h e r e w e r e h in t s o f c r i m e s — m u r d e r , g u n d a h s , guns - b u t w h e n I t r i ed to elicit facts, it was like r u n n i n g after leaves in a s t o r m . I u n d e r s t o o d , d imly , tha t I was b e i n g sol i ­c i ted in a k i n d o f family war. B u t I d id n o t k n o w e n o u g h a b o u t t h e R a j p u t s , at t h e t ime , t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e rivalries a n d in t r igues tha t m u s t have ign i t ed in t h e feudal cou r t s , a n d w h i c h c o n t i n u e d t o b u r n a long e x t e n d e d family s t ruc tures . T h e e labora te pub l i c displays o f t h o s e royal families h a d always camouf l aged t h e m o s t ruthless p o w e r s t ruggles . ~ -

O n e n i g h t after an e v e n i n g m e a l I saw m y hos t , t h r o u g h his l i gh ted w i n d o w , take a revolver f rom his b a g a n d p lace it u n d e r his pil low. I felt a flutter o f fear at t h e base o f m y th roa t .

It is sa lutary t o f ind o u t tha t y o u are n o t as i m p e r v i o u s to m a l i g n a n t gossip as y o u w o u l d l ike t o t h i n k . Pe rhaps if I h a d n o t h a d access t o p e o p l e w i t h a different pe rspec t ive o n N a r e n d r a I w o u l d have r e m a i n e d mistrustful o f h i m forever. B u t y o u can tell a lo t a b o u t a m a n f rom t h e qual i ty o f fidelity h e inspires i n t h e few fr iends h e al lows to ge t close. T h e r e w e r e p e o p l e w h o loved a n d a d m i r e d h i m a n d f rom t h e m I p i e c e d t o g e t h e r a r a the r different p i c tu re . It t o o k a l o n g t ime , b u t eventual ly I was t o u n d e r s t a n d tha t t h e reason h e was p e r s e c u t e d h a d less t o d o w i t h his mi sdeeds t h a n w i t h his a t t i tude . W i t h i n t h e c o m m u n i t y h e c a m e from b e h a v ­i o u r is codif ied. O n e is n o t j u d g e d for ind iv idua l g o o d o r evil deeds , b u t for w h e t h e r o n e r ema ins faithful t o t h e status q u o , t o t h e o ld p o w e r s t ruc tures a n d mora l i t ies o f feudal Ra ja s than . A c c o r d i n g t o tha t o lde r mora l i t y it is b e t t e r for a m a n to b e a h y p o c r i t e t h a n t o b e t ru thfu l a n d r isk m a k i n g waves .

N a r e n d r a was s o m e k i n d o f n e w t h i n g , a mave r i ck , r o o t e d in t h e t rad i t iona l b u t o p e n to n e w ways o f b e i n g . In d u e t i m e t h e f lut ter at t h e base o f m y th roa t w o u l d b e reserved for t h e w o r l d in w h i c h h e m o v e d — pol i t ical India , w h e r e p e o p l e w h o m a d e waves c o u l d b e m a d e t o disappear b e n e a t h t h e m . Pistols u n d e r pi l lows can b e as m u c h for de fence as for aggress ion.

H e b e l o n g e d to t h e C o n g r e s s I. B u t t o t h i n k tha t exp la ined a n y t h i n g was to be t ray an i g n o r a n c e o f I n d i a n poli t ics . It was as

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m u c h t h e sclerot ic o ld g u a r d o f his o w n p a r t y tha t N a r e n d r a ba t t l ed as t h e o p p o s i t i o n . T h e leaders o f b o t h sides w e r e t h e real p o w e r r u n n i n g Ra ja s than , t h e ones r ak ing in t h e profits t o b e m a d e o u t o f pol i t ics . S o m e w e r e m e m b e r s o f o ld l a n d e d families o r o f n e w e r nexuses o f m o n e y a n d p o w e r . N o n e o f t h e m w a n t e d t h e c o r r u p t i o n cha l l enged .

T o N a r e n d r a t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t issue c o n f r o n t i n g Ind ia was increas ing H i n d u fundamen ta l i sm . E v e n f rom t h e dep ths o f m y i g n o r a n c e it h a d b e e n imposs ib le n o t t o n o t i c e h o w t h e d i s ­c o u r s e h a d c h a n g e d . T e n years ago ano the r ' s r e l ig ion h a d s e l d o m b e e n refer red to . N o w , f rom m a n y H i n d u s , par t icu lar ly in t h e m i d d l e class, I h e a r d i f n o t a n t i - M u s l i m sen t imen t s at least a lack o f o u t r i g h t c o n d e m n a t i o n o f t h e fundamenta l i s t wave . A n d f rom M u s l i m s , w h o f o r m e d t e n p e r c e n t o f t h e p o p u l a t i o n , t h e b e g i n n i n g s o f a fear psychosis . It was l ike w i t n e s s ­i n g t h e spread o f a disease, its effects t o o elusive at first t o b e f r igh ten ing , t h e n t o o power fu l t o hal t . N o d o u b t t he r e h a d always b e e n t e n s i o n b e t w e e n t h e t w o c o m m u n i t i e s i n h e r e n t i n t he i r g r o u p ident i t ies . T h e Br i t i sh h a d e x p l o i t e d tha t t e n s i o n for pol i t ica l ends a n d n o w t h e H i n d u nat ional is t o rgan iza t ions w e r e d o i n g t h e same. B e c a u s e o f t h e decay o f t h e state, disgust w i t h t h e c o r r u p t i o n o f C o n g r e s s (a c o r r u p t i o n tha t has b e e n cyc led t h r o u g h a c o u p l e o f gene ra t i ons s ince I n d e p e n d e n c e , a c c u m u l a t ­i n g l ike D D T in t h e b o d y pol i t ic ) , t h e insecur i t ies b r o u g h t a b o u t b y t h e p r o b l e m s in K a s h m i r a n d t h e Pun jab , a n d t h e pressures o f m o d e r n i z a t i o n , p e o p l e w e r e m o r e o p e n t o t h e idea o f a p a r t y w h i c h p r o m i s e d a c leaner , m o r e r i go rous k i n d o f ru le , w h i c h appea led t o H i n d u p r i d e b y e v o k i n g a false past — a n d w h i c h , i n its pol i t ica l use o f t h e m o r e fanatical revivalist m o v e m e n t s , was similar in style t o t h e N a t i o n a l Socialists o f p r e - w a r G e r m a n y .

O n l y o n c e d id I m a n a g e to rouse N a r e n d r a o u t o f his t a c i t u r n i ­ty . I said tha t I h a d always cons ide red pol i t ic ians t o b e t h e na tura l e n e m y a n d tha t Ind i an ones s e e m e d to b e a m o r e vile species t h a n m o s t . H e p u t his d r i n k d o w n f i rmly a n d said, ' F o r pol i t ics t o b e a n y t h i n g b u t filthy in this c o u n t r y , h o n e s t p e o p l e w h o have t h e resources m u s t ge t invo lved a n d n o t sit o n t h e sidelines c o m p l a i n ­ing . All y o u r pressure g r o u p s a n d activists are fine a n d necessary,

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b u t it is i n p a r l i a m e n t tha t legis la t ion is e n a c t e d a n d c h a n g e d . H a l f a d o z e n g o o d p e o p l e in t o p pos i t ions c a n b r i n g a b o u t e n o r m o u s c h a n g e . If t hey aren ' t o n t h e take, t h e ro t is s t o p p e d t h r o u g h t h e w h o l e system.'

I d idn ' t have a c lue h o w t o func t i on ins ide tha t sys tem. It was u t t e r ly b e w i l d e r i n g to m e . W h e n e v e r N a r e n d r a c a m e h o m e t h e r e I w o u l d b e w i t h a t h o u s a n d que r i e s , a t h o u s a n d p r o b l e m s . 'Just leave e v e r y t h i n g t o me , ' h e w o u l d say. B u t I d id n o t w a n t t o leave e v e r y t h i n g to h i m . I w a n t e d to l ea rn t h e rules , t o u n d e r s t a n d w h e r e I was a n d act accord ing ly . B u t t r y i n g t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e in t r icacies o f in te r - fami ly , in te r -cas te , in te r -po l i t i ca l , i n t e r -c o m m u n a l , i n t e r - p e r s o n a l re la t ionships in a socie ty tha t was g o i n g t h r o u g h p r o f o u n d upheava l was l ike b e i n g in a r o o m o f m i r r o r s . Jus t w h e n y o u t h i n k y o u have w o r k e d o u t w h a t reali ty is, y o u b u m p y o u r n o s e o n glass.

All o f t h e m — M i n u , t h e C o l o n e l , N a r e n d r a — h a d of ten said I was ve ry I n d i a n in m y ways . I d id n o t qu i t e k n o w w h a t t h e y m e a n t b u t I t o o k it as a c o m p l i m e n t . I t was t r u e tha t I h a d always felt at ease in this cu l tu re , h a d l iked, for w a n t o f a b e t t e r w o r d , Ind ianness - t h e w a y p e o p l e offered themselves t o y o u , frankly, open ly , w a r m l y ; t h e w a y i n w h i c h one 's b e i n g was as i m p o r t a n t as one ' s d o i n g ; t h e capaci ty t o to le ra te c o n t r a d i c t i o n in h u m a n b e h a v ­iour . B u t n o w tha t I h a d t o live he re , u n d e r s t a n d h e r e , e v e r y t h i n g I saw on ly intensif ied m y b e w i l d e r m e n t . A n d this, c o u p l e d w i t h m y failure t o m a k e any progress w i t h t h e R a b a r i , b r o u g h t a b o u t s o m e ­t h i n g o f a dec l ine in m o r a l e .

Six m o n t h s ago t h e w a y ahead h a d b e e n clear. I w o u l d s imply c o m e to R a j a s t h a n a n d e v e r y t h i n g w o u l d fall i n t o p lace . I h a d w r i t t e n a ve ry fine b o o k in m y h e a d before a r r iv ing , w i t h o u t se t t ing p e n t o paper . B u t h a d I c o m e t o o precipi ta te ly? S h o u l d n ' t I have s tud ied t h e l a n g u a g e first? H o w c o u l d I take c o n t r o l o f a n y ­t h i n g w i t h o u t t h e possibil i ty o f c o m m u n i c a t i o n ? T h e r e w e r e t h r ee languages t o l e a rn a n d I was ge t t i ng n o w h e r e w i t h all o f t h e m . Besides , h o w c o u l d I dec ide w h i c h l anguage t o c o n c e n t r a t e o n w i t h o u t first k n o w i n g w h i c h g r o u p o f R a b a r i I w o u l d e n d u p w i t h ? T h e ed i tors w e r e w o r r i e d . M y proposa l h a d l ed t h e m t o bel ieve tha t w h o l e villages still left o n m i g r a t i o n . S o m e w h e r e in Ind ia this was t r u e . T h e p r o b l e m was f ind ing o u t w h e r e , w h e n a n d

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w h o w i t h o u t a t e l e p h o n e , c o m m o n languages o r fuel. T h e a u g u ­ries h a d b e e n irresistible. N o w I w o n d e r e d if fate h a d s e d u c e d m e i n t o this in a fit o f spite.

I m i g h t have cons ide red se t t ing sail for E n g l a n d if t he r e h a d n ' t a r r ived , cou r t e sy o f N a r e n d r a , t h e h a n d s o m e s t t w e n t y - f i v e -y e a r - o l d R a j p u t in India , w i t h t h e largest w h i t e s t smile, t h e curl iest , b lackest m o u s t a c h e a n d t h e m o s t amiab le a n d se rene d ispos i t ion - K o j u S ingh , m y driver.

K o j u was an il l i terate vil lager w h o h a d spen t his life i n t h e deser t p l o u g h i n g dust w i t h oxen . H o w was it possible tha t this m a n w h o h a d n e v e r read a road sign c o u l d b e so g l a m o r o u s , so persp icac ious , so wise a n d self-possessed? Pr iva te ly I cal led h i m D r e a m b o a t .

I t was t r u e tha t I c o u l d n o t see D r e a m b o a t c o m i n g towards m e , c o u l d n o t see tha t g r i n at a h u n d r e d yards ' d is tance flashing t h r o u g h t h e trees, w i t h o u t feel ing a w a r m glow. B u t I has ten t o a d d for t h e benef i t o f t h e p r u r i e n t tha t this flirtation n e v e r deve l ­o p e d b e y o n d o n e single, n e v e r - t o - b e - r e p e a t e d handshake . N o r w o u l d it have o c c u r r e d t o K o j u tha t a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n a h a n d ­shake w e r e th inkab le . H e was m y gallant, m y p ro t ec to r . I was his j o b . A n d w h a t e v e r a t t rac t ion lay b e n e a t h o u r m u t u a l regard, it n e v e r mani fes ted itself b e y o n d a p r o p r i e t o r i a l a t t i t ude in h i m a n d a bare ly c o n c e a l e d favour i t i sm f rom m e .

H e o w n e d on ly t w o ragged sets o f c lo thes . W h e n h e w a s h e d at t h e wel l e ach day, a t owe l w r a p p e d a r o u n d his waist , h e w o u l d also wash e i t he r a k u r t a t o p o r a pa jama b o t t o m . I gave h i m an outf i t o f m i n e - n ice ly ta i lored c r e a m c o t t o n . T h e fo l lowing m o r n i n g h e t o o k an ext ra l o n g t i m e at t h e wel l . Br i l l i an t ine was appl ied . M o u s t a c h e s w e r e twi r l ed . P r e e n i n g b e h a v i o u r o c c u r r e d . T h e n h e d i sappeared i n t o t h e servants ' qua r te r s . I r e t u r n e d t o m y b o o k , t h e h o t feel ing in m y face r e t u r n e d t o its r ightful p lace . Ten m i n u t e s la ter I b e c a m e aware o f t h e smell o f rose oil . I l o o k e d u p a n d t he re was K o j u s t and ing bes ide m e , his g r i n w r a p p e d f rom o n e r u b y -s t u d d e d ear t o t h e o the r , m y c lo thes l o o k i n g as if t hey 'd b e e n d raped o n an lisquire m o d e l .

' K o j u j i , ' I said in Engl i sh , feel ing t h e hea t r e t u r n , ' y o u l o o k ve ry h a n d s o m e . ' H e g r a b b e d a b u n c h o f p i n k bougainvi l laea a n d th rus t it i n a b u t t o n h o l e o f his n e w k u r t a . W e h a d n o c o m m o n

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l anguage b u t t h e bougainvi l laea was e l o q u e n t . T h e n , p e r h a p s feel­i n g tha t his ges tu re was m a w k i s h , h e l o o k e d embar rassed , t o o k t h e f lowers o u t a n d b a c k e d away.

B u t t he r e was n o d o u b t tha t I h a d f o u n d t h e w a y t o his vain R a j p u t hea r t .

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A m e r i c a n s w a v e d flags in the i r streets, Iraqis m o p p e d u p b l o o d in the i rs . T h e Kuwa i t i r u l i n g family c a m e h o m e t o ini t ia te t h e t o r ­tu re o f a n y o n e t hey d idn ' t l ike. A r m s dealers c o u n t e d the i r w i n ­n ings . In Ind ia t hose ch i ld ren w h o h a d d e c i d e d n o t t o i m m o l a t e themse lves as the i r c h u m s h a d d o n e in p ro tes t against t h e M a n d a l C o m m i s s i o n w e n t b a c k t o schoo l . R e l i g i o u s fanatics c o o l e d d o w n t e m p o r a r i l y , t h e b e t t e r t o inc i t e h a t r e d a n o t h e r day. Poli t ic ians t h r e w chairs at each o t h e r i n pa r l i amen t . Pe t ro l d r i b b l e d b a c k i n t o bowse r s . All was r i gh t w i t h t h e w o r l d again.

B u t was it really useful, I asked myself, t o travel w i t h a b u n c h o f n o m a d s n o o n e has ever h e a r d of? So w h a t i f t h e R a b a r i wi l l b e ex t inc t w i t h i n fifty years? W h o in t h e w o r l d wi l l give a d a m n ? A n d w h a t g o o d w o u l d it d o t h e m even if a t h o u s a n d p e o p l e , even if a mi l l i on p e o p l e , did give a d a m n ? A n d so w h a t if n o m a d i s m was a b o u t t o g o o u t , p h u t , l ike a candle , t h e w h o l e w o r l d over? T h e cu l tu re o f t h e m i l l e n n i u m h a d b i g g e r th ings t o w o r r y a b o u t .

B u t I'd c o m m i t t e d myse l f a n d t he re was n o t u r n i n g back . T h e C h a i t r i festival — an annua l l ivestock fair - was to start i n a few w e e k s . T h e r e , I c o u l d b u y mysel f s o m e camels a n d D i l i p c o u l d fly in f rom D e l h i o r C a n a d a o r w h e r e v e r h e was to take his p ic tu res . A l o n g t h e w a y I w o u l d call in at R a b a r i dhan is (hamlets) un t i l I f o u n d j u s t tha t g r o u p . . .

M e a n w h i l e I vis i ted several villages w i t h K o j u b u t , as I h a d n o t b e e n able t o f ind an in te rp re te r , t h e nets I p u l l e d u p w e r e e m p t y . O f t e n I w o u l d dr ive for t e n hel l ish h o u r s for a p r e a r r a n g e d m e e t i n g , o n l y to f ind tha t m y i n f o r m a n t h a d d isappeared t o a w e d d i n g o r a dea th o r h a d j u s t d isappeared . A n d w h e n I d id f ind s o m e o n e w h o p u r p o r t e d t o b e ' t h e representa t ive o f t h e R a b a r i ' ,

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m y obsession w i t h t h e specific was usually m e t w i t h vagueness o r w i t h p romises o f assistance w h i c h van i shed w h e n de l ivery t i m e c a m e . O t h e r s , l u r e d b y t h e smell o f ' p h o r e n ' wea l th , offered the i r doub t fu l services for fabulous sums .

Even tua l ly I f o u n d o n e y o u n g m a n - P u r n e n d u Kaavor i — w h o w o r k e d at t h e Ins t i tu te for D e v e l o p m e n t Studies i n Ja ipur . H e h a d travelled w i t h a g r o u p o f R a j p u t graziers i n t o H a r y a n a , la ter w r i t i n g a thesis a b o u t t h e m . H e was pleased t o offer adv ice a n d he lp b u t w a r n e d m e tha t he , a local w h o spoke t h e l anguage , h a d h a d grea t difficulty in p e r s u a d i n g any g r o u p to take h i m o n m i g r a t i o n . T h e y w o u l d b e d o u b l y u n c e r t a i n a b o u t t ak ing a w o m a n .

N a r e n d r a as usual c a m e t o t h e rescue . In t h e m i d d l e o f a s c h e d ­u le tha t w o u l d kill a p e r s o n o f lesser vitali ty, h e h a d m a n a g e d t o f ind B h a i r o n S i n g h R a i k a — an e x - n o m a d , n o w cons tab le i n t h e Ra ja s than po l i ce force - w h o m I c o u l d e m p l o y to liaise w i t h t h e R a b a r i .

F o r o u r first i n t e r v i e w B h a i r o n S i n g h w o r e D a c r o n s tovepipes a n d a w h i t e n y l o n shirt w h i c h c lung , sweatily, t o his concave chest . W h e n h e b o a s t e d o f t h e level o f fitness r e q u i r e d to e n t e r t h e po l i ce force a n d h o w m a n y o t h e r appl icants less physical ly e n ­d o w e d t h a n h imse l f h a d fallen b y t h e wayside , it was difficult n o t t o smile . H e was o n e o f t h e ha l f -dozen R a i k a in service , h e c o u l d speak a little H i n d i , k n e w all t h e R a i k a f rom J o d h p u r t o J u p i t e r a n d p l en ty o f o t h e r s as wel l , a n d w o u l d , h e assured m e , b e able t o expla in t h e s i tua t ion to less c o s m o p o l i t a n m e m b e r s o f his caste. H e w o u l d a c c o m p a n y m e to C h a i t r i l ivestock festival t o assist i n t h e pu rchase o f t h e camels ; h e w o u l d m o s t ce r ta in ly find m e a d a n g (mig ra t ing herd) t o travel w i t h . In t h e m e a n t i m e w o u l d I l ike t o a t t e n d a R a i k a w e d d i n g in his o w n village, Baabara? •.xcv'v--

T h e n e x t day w e all t o o k o u r spoonfu l o f t h e proffered j a g g e r y a n d y o g u r t , K o j u b r o u g h t his h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n p rayer before s ta r t ing t h e e n g i n e and , t h u s fort if ied against b a d luck , B h a i r o n , K o j u a n d I qu i t t h e f a r m gates. T h i s t i m e , I felt sure, t h e l o g j a m was g o i n g to m o v e . - • • •

A c o o l deser t w i n d w r a p p e d us in dus t as w e sped a long t h e b i t u m e n . T h e r e was n o h o r i z o n . Trees e m e r g e d b y t h e side o f t h e road, t o b e swal lowed u p again b y t h e d u n pastel o f o u r c o c o o n .

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'Yesssss!' s h o u t e d B h a i r o n , e jec t ing m e o u t o f rever ie w i t h a b a n g o n t h e shou lder . ' R a i k a ! ' T h e j e e p flashed past a s m u d g e o f r ed a n d glitter, a n d camels c o n c e a l e d a m o n g t h e trees. T h e d e e p e r w e p e n e t r a t e d Bha i ron ' s c o u n t r y t h e h a p p i e r a n d m o r e ga r ru lous h e b e c a m e . E v e r y R a i k a w e spo t t ed p rec ip i t a t ed a n o t h e r b e l l o w i n g 'yesss' a n d a lo t o f hyster ica l b o u n c i n g a r o u n d in t h e b a c k seat. K o j u drove implacab ly o n un t i l w e r e a c h e d o u r des t ina t ion — Baabara , a c lus ter o f o ld s t o n e b u n g a l o w s .

Bha i ron ' s p e o p l e h a d p rev ious ly b e e n came l b reede r s f rom t h e n o r t h e r n deser ts . T h e y h a d a r r ived in this m o r e fertile area a c o u p l e o f gene ra t i ons ago, t aken over an a lmos t a b a n d o n e d village, s w i t c h e d t o sheep a n d w e r e n o w b e t t e r off a n d b e t t e r o rgan i zed t h a n m a n y o t h e r s o f t he i r caste. I m p o r t a n t resources w e r e loca t ed nea rby in J a ipu r : m e r c h a n t s , w o o l depo t s , v e t e r i n a r y hospitals a n d va r ious g o v e r n m e n t agencies t o c o n t r o l m i g r a t i o n . T h e i r flocks n u m b e r e d in t h e t housands , e a r n i n g t h e m t h e n i c k n a m e o f ' m i g r a t i n g mi l l iona i res ' . I h a d b e e n to ld tha t s o m e pol i t ic ians a n d wea l thy l a n d o w n e r s w e r e in t h e hab i t o f g iv ing the i r o w n sheep to these p e o p l e t o take o n m i g r a t i o n a n d tha t t h r o u g h these m e n t h e graziers c o u l d gain illegal access t o p r o t e c t e d (and rapidly d isappear ing) forests. W h e n I asked B h a i r o n a b o u t this h e p r e t e n d e d n o t t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e ques t i on .

I was u s h e r e d i n t o Bha i ron ' s h o m e . U p six front steps t o a c o u r t y a r d b o r d e r e d b y an L - s h a p e d h o u s e cons is t ing o f a r o o m for t h e buffalo, a k i t c h e n a n d t w o b e d r o o m s . M r s B h a i r o n b r o u g h t h e r on ly chai r o u t i n t o t h e c o u r t y a r d . I was m a d e to sit o n it l ike a r e i g n i n g m o n a r c h w h i l e K o j u was g iven t h e c h a r p o i . C r o w d s g a t h ­ered , i n t r o d u c t i o n s w e r e m a d e . B h a i r o n bus t l ed a b o u t a n d gave c o m m a n d s to his p r e g n a n t wife w h o , I i m a g i n e d , w o r e a l o n g -suffering l o o k u n d e r h e r p i n k o r n i . All I h a d t o d o was smi le a grea t deal a n d accept , grac ious ly , his o rgy o f generos i ty . W e w e r e p l i ed w i t h t h e bes t f ood h e c o u l d offer, d r e n c h e d in expens ive g h e e . I wasn ' t h u n g r y b u t n o t w i s h i n g t o insul t o u r hos t I w a t c h e d K o j u for clues. A r o n d o o f e t i que t t e ensued : K o j u raising his h a n d s pol i te ly t o refuse t h e h o v e r i n g ladle, B h a i r o n cajoling, K o j u a c q u i ­esc ing to a t iny mor se l , o n l y t o have a q u a r t e r p o u n d o f h o t g h e e d u m p e d o n his plate . La ter h e exp la ined , ' F o r M a r w a r i m a n , gues t is m o s t i m p o r t a n t . '

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O u r s tomachs swol len , o u r be lches po l i t e ly t h u n d e r o u s , it was t i m e to socialize. I was s h o w n each o f t h e r o o m s , all o f t h e t reas ­ures . In t h e k i t c h e n w h e r e M r s B h a i r o n h a d b e e n t h u m p i n g d o u g h over a t iny fire, s m o k e a n d chilli filled t h e air. B h a i r o n i nd i ca t ed his spouse a n d said, ' S h e is n o t a g o o d c o o k . N o , a v e r y b a d c o o k , I th ink . '

' S h e is a ve ry g o o d cook . ' ' B u t she is ve ry ugly. ' H e lifted t h e o r n i . ' N o t at all. She is beautiful . ' ' T h e n she is y o u r servant. ' ' N o , she is m y saheli (female fr iend). ' All this w e n t d o w n wel l a n d I h a d obvious ly passed t h e m a n ­

ners test. E v e n so, n o o n e w o u l d le t m e he lp h e r w i t h t h e w o r k . I m u s t sit a n d receive . Finally B h a i r o n b r o u g h t o u t his piece de resist­ance — a f r amed p i ece o f p a p e r o n w h i c h it was s ta ted tha t o n e C o n s t a b l e B h a i r o n S ingh R a i k a h a d rece ived twen ty - f ive r u p e e s a n d a c o m m e n d a t i o n for b ravery for h e l p i n g to cap tu r e an i n ­f amous daco i t . . . O n e dol lar d id n o t s e e m a h u g e incen t ive for r i sk ing one 's life in t h e bad lands un t i l I was t o ld tha t t h e h o u s e n e x t t o his, a dere l ic t b u t still beaut i ful bu i ld ing , h a d b e e n b o u g h t for t h e p r i c e o f a c a r t o n o f m y Engl i sh cigaret tes .

It was t i m e to b a t h e a n d dress for t h e w e d d i n g . A part ia l ly c losed-of f c o r n e r o f t h e c o u r t y a r d was i nd i ca t ed a n d a b u c k e t o f wel l w a t e r b r o u g h t t o m e . W h a t t o do? I was visible for a sweep o f sixty degrees a n d a n y o n e e n t e r i n g t h e c o u r t y a r d w o u l d ge t a full view. I squa t t ed d o w n a n d hastily r i n sed t h e bits I c o u l d ge t at, e n d i n g u p w i t h sa tura ted c lo thes b u t m os t l y d r y skin. G o i n g b e h i n d t h e village wal l for a shit was s o m e t h i n g o f a test o f i n g e n u ­i ty also. O n e h a d t o step a m o n g t h e c lus te r ing tu rds , find a c o u p l e o f square i nches o f spare dus t a n d h o p e l ike hell n o o n e c a m e past. I n o w u n d e r s t o o d t h e log ic o f t h e vil lage w o m e n ' s full skirts. As for u s ing t h e j a r o f w a t e r t o c lean one ' s rear end , I n e v e r d id l e a r n t h e c o r r e c t t e c h n i q u e a n d it's n o t a subjec t a b o u t w h i c h o n e feels comfo r t ab l e i n q u i r i n g . I t r i ed b u t n e v e r qu i t e m a n a g e d t o c o n ­q u e r squeamishness . T h e w o r l d is d iv ided b e t w e e n t h o s e cul tures w h i c h t o u c h the i r o w n faeces a n d those w h i c h d o n ' t . A n d it seems to m e tha t t hose w h i c h d o have a g rea te r u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f h u m a n k i n d ' s re la t ionsh ip to ea r th , o u r a lpha a n d o m e g a .

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A b l u t i o n s c o m p l e t e d , a qu i t e spectacular g o l d neck l ace was p l aced a r o u n d m y n e c k . N e x t c a m e M r s Bha i ron ' s s e c o n d - b e s t skirt . A n o r n i was t u c k e d i n t o it a n d w r a p p e d a r o u n d m y h e a d . T h e r e fo l lowed bangles , ankle ts a n d bells a n d e v e r y o n e ag reed tha t n o o n e w o u l d ever guess I was a E u r o p e a n . W e all t o o k p h o t o s o f each o t h e r : m e w i t h t w o brass po t s s tacked o n m y h e a d , m y legs c u t off at t h e k n e e , s t and ing at a t h i r t y - d e g r e e angle t o t h e h o r i z o n ­tal p l ane o f t h e p h o t o g r a p h a n d l o o k i n g every i n c h a E u r o p e a n , albei t o f t h e d e r a n g e d k i n d . Ko ju n e v e r d id l e a rn t o use tha t c amera , -A r -.

W e s q u e e z e d o u r w a y u p an alley to w h e r e t h e g r o o m ' s p a r t y b u z z e d a r o u n d a red t r ac to r like Fabe rge wasps, all r u b y a n d m a r -

: casite. E v e r y surface, sa tura ted w i t h t h e l ight a b s o r b e d d u r i n g t h e day, was n o w g iv ing it b a c k t o t h e n i g h t as a m o l t e n glow. Pigs r a n a b o u t a n d squea led . D o g s f o u g h t each o the r . A m a n w h o s e h e a d a n d shou lde r s p r o t r u d e d a c o u p l e o f feet above t h e c r o w d p laced h imse l f i n front o f m e a n d g r a b b e d t h e go ld neck lace . 'Giga, ' h e said, w h i c h m i g h t have b e e n a th rea t t o s t rangle m e b u t w h i c h was , I f o u n d o u t later, his n a m e . H e roa red w i t h l a u g h t e r a n d w e n t a b o u t his business . S o m e w o m e n fe s tooned in r ed a n d silver c a m e o u t o f a h o u s e s ing ing . T h e y w e r e c a r r y i n g a g l i t t e r ing b u n d l e w h i c h , o n closer i n spec t ion , p r o v e d to b e a f o u r - y e a r - o l d chi ld . B a t t e r y - p o w e r e d l ights d a n c e d a r o u n d his g o l d b r o c a d e t u r b a n a n d his feet w e r e pressed i n t o g o l d - t r i m m e d shoes w i t h b a c k w a r d cu r l i ng po in t s . E v e r y o t h e r pa r t o f h i m was cove red in satins a n d t insel . H e was g iven to m e to h o l d as if h e w e r e t h e m o s t p r ec ious t h i n g t h e y possessed, as if all t h e p r i d e o f tha t vastly e x t e n d e d family w e r e e m b o d i e d in this exquis i te , grave lit t le b o y - t h e b i n d rajah — t h e b r i d e g r o o m .

C h i l d mar r i ages are illegal i n Ind ia a n d o n e can see w h y this s h o u l d b e so. A m o n g t h e R a j p u t s , for e x a m p l e , it is a m a t t e r o f s h a m e if a d a u g h t e r reaches m e n a r c h e in h e r pa ren t s ' h o m e . C o n ­sequen t ly , girls b e g i n p r o d u c i n g ch i ld ren w h i l e t hey are still ch i ld ren themse lves . B u t t o t h e R a b a r i , w h o c l ing fiercely to t h e t r ad i t ion , it is a sensible prac t ice . First o f all it is difficult for n o m a d s to ga the r at o n e p lace so i m p o r t a n t events are m a d e to co inc ide . O f t e n dea ths wi l l b e m o u r n e d a w e e k before t h e m a r ­r iages are ce lebra ted ( 'mausar ' feasts), t o c u t d o w n costs b u t also,

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pe rhaps , t o stress t h e cyclic n a t u r e o f life. T o n i g h t e igh t ch i ld ren w o u l d b e m a r r i e d , t hus f o r m i n g i m p o r t a n t alliances a n d m u t u a l s u p p o r t b e t w e e n families w h i c h w o u l d last l i fet imes. After t h e m a r r i a g e t h e girl w o u l d g o to s p e n d o n e n i g h t i n h e r susural ( in­laws ' h o m e ) , s u r r o u n d e d b y affection, m a d e t o feel i m p o r t a n t a n d special, a n d t h e n b e b r o u g h t h o m e . T h e r e w o u l d b e n o c o n s u m m a ­t i o n un t i l wel l after m a t u r i t y and , even t h e n , she w o u l d go b a c k a n d fo r th from susural t o pa ren t s ' h o m e m a n y times un t i l she felt comfo r t ab l e in h e r n e w role a n d un t i l t h e c o m m u n i t i e s d e c i d e d t h e c o u p l e was ready to live toge the r . Usua l ly w h e n t h e w o m a n h a d h e r ch i ld ren she w o u l d take t h e n e w b o r n b a c k to h e r pa ren t s ' h o m e , s o m e t i m e s for m o n t h s . D i v o r c e in m a n y c o m m u n i t i e s was a l lowed, t h o u g h f r o w n e d u p o n a n d usually h a d less t o d o w i t h i ncompa t ib i l i t y t h a n w i t h inferti l i ty. O n c e again this w o u l d b e a dec i s ion t aken b y t h e elders . If a h u s b a n d d ied , t h e n it was possible for a w o m a n t o m a r r y again, t h o u g h m o s t of ten w i d o w s , p a r t i c u ­larly if t hey h a d ch i ld ren , p re fe r red to r e m a i n single. All in all m a r r i a g e was a p r a g m a t i c affair a n d ind iv idua l desires c a m e a p o o r s e c o n d to t h e h a r m o n y o f t h e g r o u p .

W e w e r e to take t h e b i n d rajah to his w e d d i n g in style. Fif teen p e o p l e p a c k e d themse lves i n t o m y j e e p a n d w e set off i n t o t h e m o o n l i g h t a n d dust , t h e w o m e n s ing ing t h r o u g h the i r noses . W h e n w e passed a small sh r ine b y t h e side o f t h e t rack e v e r y o n e le t o u t an a l m i g h t y w h o o p o f g ree t ing . T h e t iny b o y smi led a n d b l i n k e d l ike a p a m p e r e d cat.

T h e b indani ' s (bride's) village was a m a z e o f small r o o m s a n d cour tya rds , a d o m e s t i c log ic tha t was difficult at first t o u n d e r ­s tand. O n a p l a t f o r m a b o u t t h i r ty w o m e n w e r e ablaze in p r i m a r y co lou r s a n d p r ec ious meta ls . I was t aken t o sit w i t h t h e m . W h e n t h e w o m a n n e x t t o m e f o u n d o u t I h a d b e e n m a r r i e d , she p u l l e d t h e o r n i d o w n over m y face a n d p u s h e d m e to t h e g r o u n d . Shr ieks o f de l igh t at this g a m e w h i c h e v e r y o n e j o i n e d in . I was i n s t ruc t ed in t h e four o r five m e t h o d s a m a r r i e d w o m a n m u s t use t o p e e p t h r o u g h h e r o r n i w h e n the re are in - laws o r s t range m e n p resen t , u s ing fingers deftly t o f o r m t h e li t t le h o l e w h i c h allows j u s t o n e eye to show, a m o s t d i s c o n c e r t i n g ges ture and , p a r a d o x i c ­ally, provocat ive . O n c e again t h e r e was m u c h p o k i n g o f m y breasts, n o t as discreet this t ime , after w h i c h it was a n n o u n c e d tha t I was

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i n d e e d female . I was r e scued b y B h a i r o n a n d m a d e to lie o n a s t r ing b e d covered w i t h quil ts i n t h e cou r tya rd . T h e g r o o m was b r o u g h t t o m e a n d a l t h o u g h h e occasional ly n o d d e d off i n m y lap, h e neve r o n c e w h i n e d o r f idgeted . I 'd shake h i m gen t ly awake, as was m y du ty , a n d h e ' d stare at m e for a s e c o n d before b r e a k i n g i n t o a smi le - d ignif ied as a grandfa ther .

I n t o this c o u r t y a r d fo rgo t t en in t h e d e p t h o f t i m e c a m e a sk inny y o u n g m a n in Te ry l ene flares and a message T - sh i r t . Pressed t o his ear was a r ad io b l a r i n g o u t H i n d i m o v i e songs in c o m p e t i t i o n w i t h t h e w o m e n ' s voices . H e k n e w a grea t deal a b o u t ' p h o r e n ' a n d a n n o u n c e d t o all p re sen t tha t w e s t e r n w o m e n h a d w i c k e d mora l s a n d tha t t h e y d id n o t breast feed t he i r ch i ld ren . H e was o n e o f t h e e d u c a t e d eli te a n d his on ly a m b i t i o n was t o l and a g o v e r n m e n t j o b so t ha t h e w o u l d n e v e r have t o w o r k again. H e ta lked a b o u t m o n e y , disco m u s i c a n d was scornful o f g r az ing as a profession. Was t h e fu ture o f t h e R a b a r i i n c a r n a t e i n this y o u n g m a n ?

A t t h e br ide ' s c o m p o u n d ( the b indan i s w e r e even t in ie r t h a n t h e binds) s o m e h i r e d music ians w e r e s ing ing devo t iona l songs t o m e n s t o n e d o n o p i u m . T h e R a b a r i , so sensible a n d s h r e w d w i t h the i r m o n e y , d o n o t pract ise t h e e c o n o m i c a l l y c r ipp l ing - a n d sp read ing - sys tem o f d o w r y . C u s t o m s s u r r o u n d i n g b r i d e p r i c e ( the o p p o s i t e o f d o w r y ) va ry f rom p lace to p lace b u t are usually m o r e symbo l i c t h a n financial . A family wi l l t ry t o m a r r y all its daugh te r s i n o n e go, so a l t h o u g h t h e ce lebra t ions m a y b e lavish t hey on ly e m p t y t h e coffers o n c e . O n this occas ion t h e b r i d e ­g r o o m ' s family displayed t h e gifts p r e s e n t e d t o t h e b r i d e - a set o f c lo thes , s o m e silver ankle ts , foodstuffs a n d a little m o n e y . T h e s e w e r e i n spec t ed carefully for any t race o f m e a n n e s s b y va r ious m o t h e r s , aunt ies a n d g rann ies , a n d p r o n o u n c e d satisfactory.

T h e n i g h t passed in a blur . P e o p l e c o m i n g a n d g o i n g , burs t s o f s ing ing , s n o r i n g f rom var ious cha rpo i s , h a w k i n g , c o u g h i n g a n d spi t t ing, t h e arr ival o f plates o f food , rats ne s t i ng in ha i r o r n i b ­b l ing feet. A t s o m e p o i n t I w e n t t o sleep u n d e r t h e spacious sky b u t was w o k e n shor t ly afterwards b y visi tors c o m i n g b y for a ' d e k h o ' at t h e ch ie f gues t . A t d a w n the re was c o r n g r u e l a n d y o g u r t , after w h i c h I was led to a n o t h e r sec t ion o f t h e village w h e r e a t h o u s a n d R a b a r i h a d g a t h e r e d f rom far a n d w i d e for t h e

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par ty , dressed u p in t he i r v e r y bes t . T h i s was a dea th—wedding feast a n d it was a h u g e a n d expens ive occas ion . A l o n g t h e flat roof tops , l i ned u p l ike g e r a n i u m po t s , w e r e rows o f be jewel led heads . T h e j o k e a b o u t m y m a r r i e d status h a d swep t t h r o u g h t h e w h o l e g a t h e r i n g . B a n k s o f w o m e n pu l l ed m y o r n i over m y face o r t r i ed to t e ach m e t h e p e e p - h o l e t r i ck . D u s t rose i n t o a sky as w h i t e as paper .

W h e n I r e t u r n e d to t h e c o u r t y a r d t h e g r o o m g r e e t e d m e by p u t t i n g o u t his a r m s to b e p i c k e d up , a n d w i t h a h e a r t - m e l t i n g smile . N o w e s t e r n chi ld w o u l d have s t o o d this stress for an h o u r . B u t this little c rea ture , pe rhaps because h e h a d n e v e r b e e n sepa­ra ted from c o m m u n i t y life, d id n o t o n c e lose his c o m p o s u r e d u r i n g t h e w h o l e four days. B u t t h e n , g race u n d e r pressure is a va lued trait a m o n g t h e pastoralists. I n a few years this b a b y w o u l d b e o u t w i t h t h e he rds , ba t t l ing t h e w o r l d for his b read .

B y m i d - a f t e r n o o n I f o u n d mysel f s i t t ing i n a small r o o m at t h e front o f a c a rpe t o f t ight ly p a c k e d m e n ' s faces. I h a d c o n t r a c t e d s o m e k i n d o f s t o m a c h b u g a n d was anx ious a b o u t an und ign i f i ed dash for t h e d o o r us ing fifty tu rbans as s t epp ing - s tones . T h e r e w e r e mi l l ions o f flies, t o o m a n y bod ies , hea t . I t h o u g h t tha t a l i t t le f o o d in m y s t o m a c h m i g h t c o m b a t t h e waves o f nausea , so in m y e x h a u s t i o n r e a c h e d o u t t o take a s t icky swee t w i t h m y left h a n d . A c o m m o n b r e a t h was he ld , an o ld m a n said ' a a h h h h ' a n d j u s t i n t i m e I c h e c k e d myself. I t o o k it w i t h m y r i gh t h a n d , e v e r y o n e l a u g h e d , t h e shyness eased a n d w e b e g a n t o talk. : - J ••- >:;

T h e r e was t r oub l e o u t o n t h e dang . A n o ld m a n h a d c o m e b a c k b y bus w i t h t h e n e w s . T h e shepherds h a d h a d to b r i b e a forest officer w i t h five t h o u s a n d r u p e e s to graze t h e flock - t h e e q u i v a ­l en t o f five m o n t h s ' i n c o m e . E a c h o w n e r w o u l d c o n t r i b u t e a p e r ­c e n t a g e o f t h e m o n e y p r o p o r t i o n a t e t o t h e size o f his flock b u t it was still a b i g financial loss t o t h e village. T h a t wasn ' t all. A few shepherds h a d b e e n a r res ted for falsifying t h e n u m b e r o f sheep t h e y had , so as t o pay less tax t o t h e state g o v e r n m e n t . N o w o n e o f t h e m h a d sk ipped gaol , a n d t h e po l i ce w e r e l o o k i n g for h i m . T h i s , t o o , w o u l d r equ i r e m o n e y for b r ibes . T h e t o p n u m b e r d a r ( leader o f m i g r a t i o n ) , w h o h a d r e t u r n e d for t h e w e d d i n g o n l y t w o days before , w o u l d have to j o u r n e y b a c k t o t h e d a n g i m m e d i a t e l y t o sor t o u t t h e mess .

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I asked w h a t t hey t h o u g h t o f pol i t ics a n d h o w t h e y m i g h t vo te . T h e y rep l ied tha t t he i r on ly c o n c e r n was survival a n d w h a t e v e r po l i t i c ian m i g h t he lp t h e m w i t h tha t w o u l d rece ive the i r vo te . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d m o s t o f t h e m d idn ' t b o t h e r t o vo te , e i t he r because t h e y h a d n o be l ie f i n t h e efficacy o f a d e m o c r a c y w o r m y w i t h c o r r u p t i o n o r because t h e y w e r e o u t o n t h e d a n g , h u n d r e d s o f miles f rom h o m e . S o large a co l l ec t ion o f shephe rds was a rare occas ion , m o s t o f t h e m h a v i n g l i t t le o p p o r t u n i t y t o leave t h e herds a n d c o m e h o m e . T h e i r ch ie f c o n c e r n was w i t h g raz ing r ights , g o v e r n m e n t c o n t r o l o n t h e sale o f w o o l , t h e loss o f l and t o f a r m ­ers a n d t h e dangers o f m i g r a t i o n . T h e y m a d e clear tha t these p r o b l e m s w e r e c o m m o n t o all t h e pashupa lak (animal herders ) i r respect ive o f caste.

B u t o n e m a n a n n o u n c e d tha t h e b e l o n g e d t o t h e B J P . H e was fat a n d b u t t e r y , go ld r ings a d o r n e d his f ingers and , a l t h o u g h h e was dressed i n t rad i t iona l R a i k a c lo thes , h e l o o k e d l ike a bad ly cast ac to r n e x t t o his lean, sun-sh r ive l l ed relatives. H e o w n e d a s h o p in a n e a r b y t o w n . H e c o u l d speak a li t t le Eng l i sh a n d i n f o r m e d m e tha t his fel low R a i k a w e r e i l l i terate a n d i g n o r a n t , so t h e r e was n o p o i n t i n asking t h e m a b o u t a n y t h i n g . H e a d d e d tha t t h e reason t h e M u s l i m s caused so m u c h t r oub l e was tha t t h e y ate b e e f a n d there fore t he i r ' b ra in t e m p e r a t u r e was ve ry h i g h ' .

I w o n d e r e d h o w m u c h h e in f luenced t h e o the r s . H e was , after all, wea l t hy a n d l i terate . H e k n e w a b o u t t h e bu reauc ra t i c w o r l d . D i d t h e y rely o n his j u d g e m e n t ? F r o m t h e w a y t hey l i s tened to h i m respectfully b u t distantly, I suspec ted n o t . T h e n o m a d s are t h e m o s t to l e ran t o f p e o p l e a n d I saw v i r tua l ly n o c o m m u n a l i s t t e n d e n ­cies a m o n g t h e m . T h e y sell t he i r m e a t t o M u s l i m s . It is M u s l i m s w h o shear the i r sheep . T h e r e are M u s l i m graziers a n d so far t h e sense o f c o m r a d e s h i p w i t h t h e m , because o f t he i r c o m m o n o c c u p a ­t i o n , c o m m o n p r o b l e m s , is s t rong . Besides , h o w can o n e f ind t h e t i m e t o st ick t o t h e f iner p o i n t s o f H i n d u i s m w h e n o n e is o u t o n t h e d a n g u n a b l e t o w a s h o r p e r f o r m rituals? A n d h o w can o n e sneer at t h e c o w - e a t e r s w h e n o n e s o m e t i m e s indu lges in a b i t o f m u t t o n o n t h e quie t? B u t w h e n t h e n o m a d s s t o p p e d w a n d e r i n g as o n e day t h e y m u s t . . .?

T h e r e w e r e M u s l i m R a b a r i p re sen t at t h e w e d d i n g . C e n t u r i e s ago w h e n t h e M u g h a l s invaded , t hey caused m a n y p r o b l e m s for

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t h e R a b a r i , w h o of ten ac ted as spies for t h e R a j p u t ru lers . O n e par t i cu la r g r o u p was c a p t u r e d b y t h e invaders a n d t a k e n t o D e l h i . I t was h e r e tha t t h e y w e r e fo rced to eat b e e f t h e r e b y b e c o m i n g ins tant ly d e - H i n d u i z e d . T h e i r descendan t s w e r e fol lowers o f Is lam b u t t h e y still p e r f o r m e d c e r e m o n i e s at va r ious caste func t ions a n d the i r affinity w i t h the i r o r ig ina l caste s e e m e d as s t rong as the i r i den t i t y as M o h a m m e d a n s .

I c o u l d discipl ine m y r a g i n g s t o m a c h n o longer . B l o c k i n g t h e d o o r s t o o d all seven feet o f Giga . H e g r a b b e d m e b y t h e go ld neck l ace l ike a N e w York m u g g e r . ( R a b a r i h u m o u r is s o m e t i m e s opaque . ) Hast i ly I t o o k it off a n d m a d e a dash for t h e neares t wall , t o b e fo l lowed a n d l a u g h e d at b y ch i ld ren w h o w e r e c u r i o u s a b o u t a ' p h o r e n ' s ' b o d y func t ions . Giga h a d l en t t h e neck l ace a n d was n o d o u b t w o r r i e d tha t I was a b o u t t o h e a d for t h e hills w i t h it . A n d y e t it was h e w h o , t w o days later, after I 'd spen t a n o t h e r sleepless, op ium- f i l l ed n i g h t at his h o u s e , a n d was n o w saying g o o d b y e to a h u n d r e d fr iends, t o o k b o t h m y h a n d s gen t ly i n his, pressed t h e m t o g e t h e r i n f ront o f his h e a r t a n d said, ' W e are y o u r chi ldren. '

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I h a d always h a d grea t affection a n d a d m i r a t i o n for m y b o d y . W h i l e I real ized tha t it l acked an i n c h o r t w o in t h e ank le d e p a r t ­m e n t a n d h a d o the r , less visible, aes thet ic defects, it had , n e v e r t h e ­less, g o t m e f rom m a n y As t o Bs w i t h o u t c o m p l a i n t a n d genera l ly p r o c e e d e d w i t h its j o b o f t r a n s p o r t i n g t h e b ra in w i t h o u t n e e d i n g t o b o t h e r m e . W h a t h a d h a p p e n e d ? W h y this b l i n d i n g e x h a u s ­t ion? H a d I, s o m e w h e r e in t h e last few m o n t h s , b e c o m e old? O r was Ind ia t o b lame?

I c r awled i n t o m y r o o m , c losed t h e cur ta ins , col lapsed o n to m y b a c k a n d d e c i d e d Ind ia was t o b l a m e . T r y i n g t o accompl i sh a n y ­t h i n g h e r e was l ike w a d i n g t h r o u g h g lue . T h e simplest th ings — m a k i n g a p h o n e call, b u y i n g g roce r i e s , p o s t i n g a le t te r - r e q u i r e d s u p e r h u m a n pa t i ence . W h y d idn ' t p e o p l e g o m a d ; w h y d idn ' t t h e y stab a n d s h o o t each o the r , as t hey d id in A m e r i c a ; w h y d idn ' t t h e y p i c k p e t t y bureaucra t s u p b y t h e scruff o f the i r necks a n d bea t t he i r brains ou t? H o w w o u l d I l e a r n tha t I n d i a n p a t i e n c e t e m ­p e r e d t h r o u g h mi l lennia? A b o v e all, h o w w o u l d I l ea rn t o c o p e w i t h t h e s u b c o n t i n e n t a l stare? W h e r e v e r I s h o w e d m y face, a t h o u ­sand o t h e r faces i m m e d i a t e l y co l lec ted a r o u n d it. If I s t o p p e d t h e j e e p , even for a s econd , even if w e w e r e in t h e m i d d l e o f n o w h e r e , ins tant ly faces c r a m m e d t h e w i n d o w s , t h e w i n d s c r e e n ; b o d i e s shoved a n d jos t l ed , c u t t i n g off air; f ingers p r o d d e d , p o k e d , t u g g e d . N o t h i n g I o r K o j u o r a n y o n e else c o u l d say o r d o m a d e t h e least impres s ion o n tha t col lect ive stare. U n d e r it I m i g h t have b e e n a p e r f o r m i n g bea r o r a m o n k e y o n a cha in . It s t r i pped m e o f m y h u m a n i t y , sucked o u t m y vital i ty, a n d t h e on ly de fence against it was t o re t reat inside myself, t o psychical ly disappear . O r to l o c k myse l f i n t h e k i n d , e m p t y darkness o f m y r o o m w h i c h is w h a t I

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f o u n d mysel f d o i n g after every foray i n t o t h e w o r l d b e y o n d t h e f a r m gates.

B e i n g in Ind ia was l ike r ead ing Tristram Shandy. Endless d ig res ­sions f rom w h e r e y o u t h o u g h t y o u w e r e go ing . If I h a d g iven in t o this f o r m I w o u l d have b e e n happ ie r . B u t I h a d to i m p o s e a n al ien, l inear f o r m in w h i c h A progresses t o B w h i c h progresses t o C . Ind ia h a d its o w n w a y o f te l l ing a s to ry b u t I was in n o pos i t i on to l is ten t o it.

In a small village o n t h e w a y t o Baabara w e h a d s t o p p e d t o b u y sweets for t h e ch i ld ren . To avoid t h e inevi table co l l ec t ion o f stares, at least for a few m i n u t e s , I p u l l e d an o r n i over m y face, sank l o w i n t o t h e seat a n d w a t c h e d , as bes t I cou ld , t h r o u g h t h e c o t t o n . T h e r e w e r e j u s t a few lit t le shops a l o n g t h e r u t t e d street and , at t h e e n d o f it, t h e vil lage wel l . R a b a r i w o m e n w e r e at t h e wel l , five o r six o f t h e m , filling t he i r po t s . I i m a g i n e d b e i n g w i t h t h e m , l a u g h i n g as t hey w e r e l a u g h i n g , unse l fconsc ious , u n a w a r e o f b e i n g observed . I i m a g i n e d g o i n g w i t h t h e m t o t h e s h o p to haggle over t h e p r i c e o f gra in , felt t h e physical i ty o f t h e h e a v y p o t , t h e i n t i m a c y o f a sister's a r m a r o u n d t h e shou lder , o f gossip. I h a d i m a g i n e d tha t I c o u l d b e c o m e , over t ime , an e l e m e n t w i t h i n t h e p i c t u r e r a t h e r t h a n an obse rve r p e e r i n g in . B u t it s e e m e d m o r e l ikely tha t I w o u l d n e v e r f ind mysel f the re , ins ide t h e f rame.

I n t h e m e a n t i m e m y b a c k felt as i f it h a d b e e n r e a r r a n g e d w i t h a j a c k - h a m m e r . L u m p s o f gr is t le b o u n d musc l e t o b o n e and , w h e n I wa lked , o n e h i p g r o u n d i n its socke t l ike sandpaper . N o t far f rom t h e f a r m was a d h a n i w h e r e , K o j u i n f o r m e d m e , a ce r t a in w o m a n h a d a special t e c h n i q u e for f ixing backs . I h o b b l e d t o t h e j e e p t o f ind tha t D r e a m b o a t h a d p a c k e d t h e passenger seat w i t h cush ions a n d was refusing to let m e dr ive .

T h e o ld w o m a n was frail as eggshell a n d b l ind . H e r s o n l ed h e r o u t . I kne l t i n f ront o f h e r a n d she t o o k m y h a n d s , smi l ing . T h e n she t u r n e d m e a r o u n d so tha t m y b a c k was fac ing her . F r o m t h e c o r n e r o f m y eye I saw h e r s o n h a n d h e r a n e n o r m o u s axe. Survival ins t inc t t o l d m e t o ge t u p a n d r u n ; m a n n e r s p r o v e d s t ronger . I w a i t e d for t h e a lmigh ty t h w a c k , w h i c h w o u l d kill o r cure , on ly to feel gen t l e f ingers r u n over m y musc les .

' W h e r e does it h u r t ? ' ' E v e r y w h e r e . '

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' A c h c h h a . ' C o l d m e t a l n o w fo l lowed t h e h a n d w h i c h s e e m e d to i n tu i t t h e

m o s t in f l amed areas. H e r e t h e axe w o u l d pause , t h e n b e g i n softly t a p p i n g o n flesh. T h e o ld w o m a n b e g a n to chan t . O n c e t h e axe was full t o t h e b r i m o f b a d b a c k spirits it w o u l d b e b a n g e d o n t h e ea r t h t o release t h e m . T h e h a n d w o u l d f ind a n o t h e r spot ; tap tap tap, b a n g b a n g b a n g a n d t h e man t r a s . T h i s w e n t o n for fifteen m i n u t e s a n d I t h o u g h t I d id n o t i c e an easing o f t h e pa in . B u t pe rhaps t ha t was t h e p o w e r o f sugges t ion o r pe rhaps t h e d r o n e o f t h e m a n t r a re laxed m e , g iv ing t h e muscles a c h a n c e to u n k n i t b y themse lves . O r pe rhaps h e r faith was power fu l e n o u g h t o over ­c o m e h e r pat ient ' s lack o f it.

I t h a n k e d h e r a n d offered m o n e y b u t she w o u l d take n o t h i n g : ' T h i s p o w e r is f r o m G o d n o t f rom m e , so h o w c a n I take p a y m e n t from y o u ? H e t o o k away m y sight b u t in r e t u r n h e gave w i s d o m to m y h a n d s . I n t h e m o r n i n g y o u m u s t give a gift o f g ra in t o t h e w i l d birds. '

W h i c h I d id . T o m a k e t h e t r ip t o C h a i t r i festival, t h e p u r c h a s e o f t h e camels

a n d t h e m e e t i n g w i t h t h e R a b a r i as s m o o t h as possible, I e m ­p l o y e d t h e services o f va r ious p e o p l e . N a r e n d r a h a d f o u n d m e an i n t e r p r e t e r — a y o u n g w o m a n R a j p u t t e a c h e r w h o spoke H i n d i , Engl i sh a n d M a r w a r i . H e r n a m e was R a j u j i . S h e w o u l d m e e t us at t h e m e l a (festival). Takat S i n g h j i , w h o h a d a c c o m p a n i e d m e o n m y first foray i n t o t h e deser t , w o u l d c o m e for a day t o h e l p m e c h o o s e t h e camels a n d gear. K o j u w o u l d dr ive a n d c o o k . Di l ip w o u l d b r i n g his o w n d r i v e r - c u m - c o o k . B h a i r o n w o u l d i n t r o d u c e us t o t h e R a b a r i a l ong t h e w a y un t i l w e f o u n d j u s t tha t g r o u p . . . W h e n h e t u r n e d u p o n t h e day o f d e p a r t u r e t h e s tovepipes h a d d i sappeared a n d h e was R a i k a h e a d to foot — t i e - d y e t u r b a n , l o n g w h i t e shir t , w h i t e d h o t i , p o i n t e d l ea the r clogs, sk inny legs.

It was n i g h t - t i m e . B h a i r o n s e e m e d to b e lost. W e w e r e o n o n e o f t hose car t t racks t h r o u g h t h e sandhills n o r t h - w e s t o f J o d h p u r . In t h e d is tance w e c o u l d see fire g l o w c o m i n g f rom t h e d o o r o f a j h u m p a a n d B h a i r o n w e n t t o ask t h e way . A g r o u p o f m e n c a m e o u t w a v i n g a r m s at h i m a n d saying t h e sorts o f th ings tha t m i g h t b e t rans la ted as 'Leave o r we ' l l c u t y o u r th roa t s ' . T w e n t y m i n u t e s a n d m a n y ges t icula t ions a n d shared cups later, m y p o l i c e m a n go t

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b a c k in t h e car smel l ing o f desh i da ru ( h o m e m a d e g rog) . ' T h e y t h o u g h t w e w e r e dacoits , ' h e said, ' a n d tha t w e w e r e g o i n g t o steal t he i r possessions a n d the i r w o m e n . (In this pa r t o f t h e w o r l d o n l y g o v e r n m e n t wal lahs , po l i ce a n d bandi t s - n o n e o f w h o m w e r e p o p u l a r - c o u l d afford jeeps . )

W e f o u n d t h e d h a n i a n d stayed t h r e e days. T h e p e o p l e c o u l d n o t have b e e n m o r e c h a r m i n g b u t even so I sensed an u n d e r c u r ­ren t o f suspic ion . Alas, t h e m o r e B h a i r o n boas t ed o f m y t r e m e n ­d o u s i m p o r t a n c e a n d fame, n o t j u s t i n Ind ia b u t i n t h e un ive r se (and there fore b y associat ion his o w n t r e m e n d o u s i m p o r t a n c e ) , t h e m o r e t h e susp ic ion t h i c k e n e d . W i t h o u t a l anguage in w h i c h t o exp la in myself, a smile at t h e w r o n g t ime , t h e lack o f a smile at t h e r e q u i r e d t ime , t h e offer ing o f t o o m u c h m o n e y o r n o t g iv ing e n o u g h m o n e y — these gestures c o u l d have as m u c h i m p a c t as a h u r l e d insult . M e n w o u l d c o m e a n d sit w i t h m e , po l i t e as ever, a n d gradual ly ge t r o u n d to asking, 'You have lakhs a n d lakhs o f r u p e e s , a n d y o u have a j e e p . W h y d o y o u w a n t t o live w i t h p o o r peop le? W h y d o y o u w a n t t o walk?' I neve r f o u n d a suitable rep ly t o this b u t it d id ind ica te h o w far f rom enviable t h e y saw the i r o w n lives a n d h o w i n c o m p r e h e n s i b l e t h e y f o u n d m i n e . I b e g a n t o n o t i c e tha t w h e n e v e r I p u l l e d o u t m y n o t e b o o k a n d maps , p e o p l e c losed l ike s l a m m i n g d o o r s a n d w a n d e r e d away. Neve r the l e s s it was finally ag reed tha t I w o u l d set off w i t h a c o u p l e o f m e n a n d a small h e r d t h e fo l lowing day a n d a c c o m p a n y t h e m t o t h e fair.

I n t h e m o r n i n g w e w a i t e d as p e r ins t ruc t ions . A n d w a i t e d . T h e s u n pressed d o w n . D e m o r a l i z a t i o n set in . D i l i p was so a n g r y I was afraid h e m i g h t have a h e a r t a t tack. B y e leven it b e c a m e obv ious tha t t h e herds h a d c leared off w i t h o u t us , l eav ing us s t r anded nea r a w a t e r h o l e , l i s ten ing t o B h a i r o n ran t tha t these R a i k a w e r e b a c k ­ward , u n e d u c a t e d hayseeds w h o d idn ' t even deserve t o have m e w r i t e a b o u t t h e m , b u t n o t t o w o r r y w e w o u l d dr ive o n un t i l w e f o u n d a m o r e w o r t h y g r o u p .

T h e c o m m u n i t y h a d d e c i d e d w e w e r e g o v e r n m e n t w o r k e r s o n s o m e secret survey o u t o f w h i c h t h e y c o u l d o n l y b e t h e losers . M a n y o f t h e families h a d b e e n e x t e n d i n g the i r dhan is a n d bajri p lan ta t ions i n t o g o v e r n m e n t land . N o d o u b t w e w e r e g o i n g to take t h e l and f rom t h e m , arrest t h e m , b e a t t h e m up , f ine t h e m , ex t rac t b r ibe s f r o m t h e m — those everyday o c c u r r e n c e s t o w h i c h

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t h e p o o r b e c o m e i n u r e d — so it was safer t o b e po l i t e t o us a n d d ivu lge n o t h i n g . T h i s was n o t t h e last i nd i ca t i on I h a d o f t h e level o f d u b i e t y necessary for survival i n a w o r l d w h e r e t he re was n o l a w o n w h i c h y o u c o u l d d e p e n d for jus t i ce , w h e r e t h e r e was n o secu r i t y b e y o n d family a n d caste affiliations, w h e r e d i sappea r ing resources , rapac ious g r e e d a n d e n d e m i c vena l i ty necess i ta ted t h e r e b e vastly m o r e losers t h a n w i n n e r s a n d w h e r e o n e w r o n g m o v e c o u l d m e a n t h e e n d o f y o u a n d y o u r family.

D r i v e o n w e did. F i n d a m o r e w o r t h y g r o u p w e d id n o t . I w o u l d have g o n e s traight t o t h e m e l a b u t a wr i t e r ' s needs a n d a p h o t o g r a p h e r ' s are s e l d o m t h e same. Besides , Bha i ron ' s se l f -es teem was at stake. T h e t h e r m o m e t e r s h o w e d a h u n d r e d degrees ; t e m ­per s w e r e a g o o d deal ho t t e r . I exerc ised n o n - v i o l e n t n o n -c o o p e r a t i o n w i t h w h a t I felt h a d d e s c e n d e d i n t o farce b y s ta r ing at m y feet i n t h e front o f t h e car. It was f rom this p o s i t i o n tha t , l o o k i n g up , I b e h e l d B h a i r o n , t r ansmogr i f i ed i n t o a u n i f o r m e d p o l i c e m a n c o m p l e t e w i t h knife creases in his k h a k i t rousers a n d cap set at a n o - n o n s e n s e angle , d i rec t ing , l ike a traffic cop , a g r o u p o f resentful a n d p ro t e s t i ng R a b a r i towards t h e j e e p . I l a u g h e d till I c r i ed .

I j o i n e d t h e t h r ee t i red m e n a n d the i r t w o sk inny cows ( they h a d b e e n w a l k i n g flat o u t for t h r ee days to sell t he i r animals at t h e mela) for t h e p h o t o - o p p o r t u n i t y , w a n t i n g to s ink i n t o t h e r o a d u n d e r t h e w e i g h t o f m y shame . After a w h i l e t h e y said, 'You take t h e cows a n d we ' l l g o in t h e jeep . '

I n t h e b lu i sh l ight o f d a w n w e e n t e r e d t h e m e l a t o b e g r e e t e d b y rear v iews o f a t h o u s a n d m e n squa t t ing bes ide t h e road , w a t e r lotis (conta iners) bes ide t h e m . O n t h e o t h e r side o f t h e d u n e was a s o u p o f camels , t u rbans a n d dust . E v e r y w h e r e g r o u p s o f m e n sat u n d e r ig loos o f grass o r awn ings o f c o l o u r e d c lo th , s m o k i n g bir is , c o u g h i n g a n d y a r n i n g , the i r camels t e t h e r e d t o pegs bes ide t h e m . Takat S i n g h a r r ived a n d s t ra ightaway set off t h r o u g h t h e s o u p w i t h m e t r i p p i n g a long b e h i n d h i m . H e w a v e d his h a n d s in front o f t h e camels ' eyes t o c h e c k for shor t - s igh tedness , l o o k e d in t he i r m o u t h s t o c h e c k the i r age (I w a n t e d a t w o - t o o t h e r , less t h a n six years o ld) , i n spec t ed t he i r br iskets a n d feet, a n d finally asked t h e p r i ce . It was always at this p o i n t tha t Takat s e e m e d t o suffer a s t roke. G e t t i n g m e a c a m e l for t h e r i g h t p r i c e was w h a t h e said h e w o u l d d o for m e a n d b y hel l h e was g o i n g to d o it. W e t r u d g e d

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a r o u n d t h e sale areas for a full day un t i l I w o u l d have b o u g h t a l lama as l o n g as I c o u l d sit d o w n .

W e b o t h saw h e r at t h e same m o m e n t , t h e bes t c a m e l in t h e fair — a b lack Ja isa lmer i cow, w i t h legs l ike a steel gazelle a n d eyes lit w i t h a w i c k e d in te l l igence . I lifted m y eyeb rows t o Takat . H e gave a n o d a n d c h e c k e d h e r over. E v e r y t h i n g was in g o o d order , a R o l l s - R o y c e d r o m e d a r y . W e asked h e r o w n e r t o s h o w h e r i n ac t ion . H e j u m p e d o n ba reback , s tuck to h e r l ike a l e ech a n d ga l loped h e r flat o u t t h r o u g h t h e c r o w d . Takat p r o n o u n c e d h e r ' n o t o r i o u s ' a n d I said d a m n it I w a n t e d h e r a n d I d idn ' t care a b o u t t h e m o n e y .

It t o o k a n o t h e r day t o n e g o t i a t e h e r p r i c e (my w h i t e skin a u t o ­mat ica l ly d o u b l e d h e r value) a n d t o f ind a s e c o n d beast . Finally t h e p r ev ious o w n e r s , mysel f a n d a h u n d r e d o r so bys tanders , c r o w d e d i n t o a little office s tacked t o t h e w i n d o w s w i t h papers t i ed u p in p i n k th read . W e w e r e t o ld tha t w e c o u l d n o t b u y t h e camels because w e h a d n o t t h o u g h t t o b r i n g t h e r i g h t p i e c e o f paper . I n t h e face o f t h e grea t no o f I n d i a n b u r e a u c r a c y I was u n d o n e . N o t so Di l ip . Sure ly h e said, they k n e w o f t h e m o s t f a m o u s a n d pres t ig ious m a g a z i n e in t h e wor ld? N o ? A n d they h a d n o t h e a r d o f Miss R o b y n D a v i d s o n o r M r D i l i p M e h t a ? G o o d heavens! So impres sed w e r e t h e y b y o u r f ame a n d b y D i l i p ' s s u p e r ­io r air tha t s o o n w e w e r e g iven tea a n d t h e w h o l e business o n l y t o o k t h r e e h o u r s . T h e r e w e r e several fo rms u p o n w h i c h t h e p rev ious o w n e r s - R a m u R a m o f J o d h p u r a n d U m a i d AH o f B a r m e r - p l aced t he i r t h u m b p r i n t s a n d u p o n w h i c h Miss R o b y n o f Austral ia p laced h e r scrawl. T h e n I h a n d e d over t h e m o n e y , t u c k e d t h e receipts i n m y k u r t a , d r a n k a last c u p o f tea w i t h U m a i d , R a m u , t h e bureaucra t s and t h e bys tanders , a n d at last M o m a l a n d S u m a l — n a m e d for t w o ancestral pr incesses o f Jaisalmer, o n e o f w h o m was g o r g e o u s a n d o n e o f w h o m was n o t — w e r e m i n e .

O n c e o u t o f t h e m e l a w e w a l k e d i n t o an A n d r e w W y e t h l a n d ­scape. I l o o k e d forward to b e i n g o n m y o w n , even for a m i n u t e , b u t it was n o t t o be . P e o p l e coalesced o u t o f empt ines s , o u t o f sky o r dus t o r air a n d a t t a ched themselves t o o u r li t t le pa r ty l ike m o l e c u l e s b u i l d i n g a crystal. B h a i r o n a n d I w a l k e d th i r ty k i l o ­me t r e s t h e first day. ( T h e o the r s drove in t h e j eeps . ) T h e o n l y

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d a m a g e was a puffy k n e e , an a c h i n g b a c k a n d a l o n g i n g t o b e fifteen years y o u n g e r . A t every p o t h o l e B h a i r o n w o u l d sna tch t h e camels ' nose l ines f rom m e in a fit o f ove rp ro tec t ive zeal. R e s i s t i n g his chivalry t o o k t o o m u c h e n e r g y a n d I d idn ' t have an e rg t o spare. It was o n t h e s e c o n d day tha t t e m p e r s , a l ready frayed, finally r i p p e d .

O n c e before w h e n I h a d travelled w i t h a p h o t o g r a p h e r , I h a d b e e n a bul ly . So I d e t e r m i n e d tha t d u r i n g this p ro jec t I w o u l d b e t h e sor t o f p e r s o n w h o l o o k s t o t h e l ight at t h e r i g h t t ime , w h o r ema ins perfect ly still for t hose difficult e v e n i n g shots a n d w h o n e v e r compla in s tha t t h e r e is a lens u p h e r nose . H o w e v e r , g iven tha t Di l ip has a t y p e t r i p l e - A persona l i ty , a n d g iven tha t I was w o r r i e d a b o u t m y animals , t h e p o t h o l e s , t h e t rucks , a n d tha t I h a d n ' t slept t h e n i g h t before , a n d tha t t h e s u n was b u r n i n g ho les i n t h e t o p o f m y head , a n d g iven tha t I was sick o f this w h o l e v e n t u r e , a n d w i s h i n g fervent ly tha t I h a d n e v e r b e g u n it, a n d tha t B h a i r o n was s h o u t i n g at m e , so tha t I b e g a n s h o u t i n g b a c k in a l a n g u a g e h e c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d , a n d tha t D i l i p was n o w in front o f m e yel l ing , ' T u r n y o u r face t o t h e left, t o t h e left ' , w h i l e I was s t ruggl ing to k e e p c o n t r o l o f M o m a l — g iven all tha t , I t h i n k I said s o m e t h i n g l ike, ' F u c k off.'

W h e n w e pu l l ed i n t o a R a b a r i d h a n i tha t n i g h t m y hosts said, ' W h y d o y o u w a n t t o w a l k y o u r camels b a c k to J o d h p u r w h e n all these p e o p l e c o u l d d o it for y o u ? W h y d o n ' t y o u g o in y o u r j e e p ? Y o u have lakhs a n d lakhs o f r u p e e s . W h y d o y o u w a n t t o stay w i t h p o o r p e o p l e ? ' T h e y left o u r q u e e r p a r t y t o itself. D i l i p ' s b a d h u m o u r s h o w e d itself i n a surliness towards K o j u w h o m h e cons ide red lazy. (Perfect Ko ju ! Lazy!) M i n e s h o w e d itself i n a surliness towards Di l ip . B u t this w o u l d n o t do . So I sat a n d m o r e o r less h a d it o u t w i t h h i m , d u r i n g w h i c h t w e n t y m i n u t e s , K o j u to ld m e later, g iggl ing, I h a d s m o k e d t w o packs o f cigaret tes .

If t h e t w o - p a c k talk d id n o t qu i t e resolve t h e p r o b l e m s w h i c h we re , after all, t o d o w i t h differ ing w o r k r e q u i r e m e n t s w h i c h , b e i n g i n h e r e n t l y in confl ict , fo rbade any so lu t ion , it d id m a k e m e realize tha t if fu ture j o u r n e y s w e r e to b e even vague ly to le rable for any o f us - Di l ip , mysel f a n d t h e p e o p l e w h o w o r k e d for us - I w o u l d have t o deve lop t h e e m o t i o n a l c o n t r o l o f a sadhu . I m u s t

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n e v e r again lose o u t w a r d ca lm, n o m a t t e r w h a t . A n d a l t h o u g h t h e effort cost m e dear, f rom tha t day o n , I n e v e r did .

La ter I w e n t for a dr ive , squashed b e t w e e n K o j u a n d R a j u , a n d bu r s t i n t o tears . R a j u caressed m y h a n d s a n d Koju 's face t o o k o n a m a n l y express ion . H e said, ' M e m s a h i b , y o u w o r r y t o o m u c h a b o u t all o f us . D o n o t t h i n k o f us . W e are he re t o he lp y o u a n d w e wil l d o w h a t e v e r w o r k is r e q u i r e d w i t h o u t c o m p l a i n t . A n d I w o u l d d ie for y o u if necessary. ' I d id n o t t h i n k tha t D r e a m b o a t was silly e n o u g h t o give u p his life for o n e such as mysel f b u t I was d e e p l y t o u c h e d , a n d s ince w e w e r e speak ing figuratively I, t o o , w o u l d have d i e d for h i m .

R a j u was n o t f luent e n o u g h in Eng l i sh t o b e a rap id t rans la tor b u t t h r o u g h h e r I at least g o t t h e gist o f conversa t ions . B u t , m o r e i m p o r t a n t l y , I l e a rn t f rom h e r h o w t o b e h a v e in vil lage cu l tu re , h o w t o accep t t h e generos i ty s h o w n us w i t h g race a n d h o w to r e t u r n it w i t h o u t awkwardness . P rev ious ly I h a d n o t k n o w n w h o t o give m o n e y to a n d those to w h o m I t r i ed to give it m o r e of ten t h a n n o t refused it . A n d I h a d always felt c l umsy because t h e g iv ing o f cash in m y o w n cu l tu re is t a in ted . B u t i n Ind ia m o n e y has n o such faecal c o n n o t a t i o n s . N o w I k n e w t o p lace it i n t h e h a n d s o f n e w b o r n ch i ld ren , o r if t he r e w e r e n o n e t h e n to give it t o t h e y o u n g e s t girl o f t h e h o u s e . T h i s m o n e y , t o o , w o u l d initially b e refused b u t o n e j o i n e d in t h e d a n c e o f e t ique t t e , insist ing, refusing, refusing, insist ing, un t i l t h e m o n e y was a c c e p t e d w i t h a smile .

A n d w h e n I c a m e t r u d g i n g i n t o a vil lage, e x h a u s t e d b e y o n d speech , R a j u w o u l d b e t h e r e t o d o t h e exp la in ing for m e , t o gen t l e h e r w a y i n t o everyone ' s t rust . S h e w o u l d take m e to t h e w o m e n , w h e r e w e w o u l d c o o k toge the r , ro l l ing chapat is o n little w o o d e n boards , b o i l i n g spices in oil , o r she w o u l d o r d e r m e to He d o w n w h i l e she w a l k e d o n m y back . D e a r R a j u , h o w can I t h a n k y o u e n o u g h for t h e sensit ivity o f y o u r soul a n d o f y o u r t iny feet?

If I ever t r i ed t o v e n t u r e even a li t t le way ou t s ide t h e c o m ­p o u n d o n m y o w n , for j u s t t ha t s e c o n d o f p e a c e to sor t o u t m y t h o u g h t s , B h a i r o n w o u l d b e the re . ' N o n e e d t o a c c o m p a n y m e Bha i ron , ' I w o u l d say, t e e t h c l e n c h e d in a smile, ' I ' m q u i t e all r ight . ' B u t B h a i r o n w o u l d n o t hea r o f it. 'You d o n o t u n d e r s t a n d . T h e r e are g u n d a h s he re . Y o u m i g h t b e k i d n a p p e d o r r aped . W h e n

5.2

y o u g o o n m i g r a t i o n , I wi l l r e m a i n always b y y o u r side w i t h a rifle.' T h e v e r y t h o u g h t m a d e m y spirits s ink t o m y sandals. T h e o n l y respi te was p r e t e n d i n g I n e e d e d a p e e . T h e n I c o u l d have a t e n - y a r d w a l k a n d t w o m i n u t e s b e h i n d a t ree all t o myself. Un le s s ch i ld ren h a d g a t h e r e d to w a t c h .

O n t h e fou r th day w e w e r e all i n n e e d o f a rest. W e c a m p e d early in a R a i k a d h a n i - a t iny nes t o f j h u m p a s lost amids t d u n e s . O u r hosts bus t led abou t , s w e e p i n g a n d t i dy ing a li t t le h o u s e for us t o rest in , t h e n b r i n g i n g tea a n d bucke t s o f w a t e r f r o m t h e wel l so tha t w e m i g h t wash . T h i s was t h e k i n d o f hospi ta l i ty tha t o n l y deser ts distil f rom h u m a n s . Later , w h e n w e h a d refreshed ourselves a n d h a d la in o u r b o n e s carefully o n t h e c o o l floor, M a t a j i , t h e oldes t w o m a n in t h e c o m m u n i t y , was l ed in t o m e e t us by h e r g r e a t - g r a n d c h i l d r e n . T h e r e was n o t a h i n t o f i m p a t i e n c e m a r r i n g the i r affection a n d p r i d e as t hey h e l p e d h e r t o sit a n d g u i d e d h e r hands t o m y face. ' S h e is o ld a n d lives in t h e s h a d o w o f God , ' t h e y exp la ined . M a t a j i smiled.

' G o d b r o u g h t y o u t o us . Gues ts , l ike rain, n e v e r c o m e . B u t it is sad tha t I a m b l ind because n o w I c a n n o t see y o u r face.' S o o n t h e r o o m was full o f p e o p l e , b l o c k i n g t h e b r e e z e f rom t h e w i n d o w s so tha t sweat r u s h e d o u t o f b o d i e s a n d co l l ec ted i n t o pudd l e s o n t h e floor. M a t a j i k e p t m y h a n d s i m p r i s o n e d in h e r o w n . H e r n e p h e w , t h e vil lage s tory- te l ler , g o a d e d o n b y an apprecia t ive aud i ence , a t ape r e c o r d e r a n d his first fore ign guest , t o o k t h e floor.

'All R a b a r i caste c o m e f rom t h e first ances to r m a d e b y M a -h a d e v (Shiva) o n M o u n t Kailash i n T i b e t . W h e n M a h a d e v m a d e a bul l t o r i d e o n , w h i c h h a d its fifth l eg o n its n e c k , Parvat i (Shiva's consor t ) d e c i d e d t o m a k e a p l ay th ing for herse l f o u t o f sand. It was a s t range m i s s h a p e n an ima l she m a d e a n d she p u t its fifth l eg o n its s t o m a c h . W h e n she asked h e r h u s b a n d to b r i n g it t o life w i t h his special p o w e r s h e said, " B u t Parvat i this an ima l doesn ' t s e e m r igh t . If h e c o m e s t o life h e wi l l o n l y cause t rouble . " B u t Parvat i was a d a m a n t so M a h a d e v b r e a t h e d life i n t o it a n d said " u t h " w h i c h m e a n s up , a n d that 's w h y t h e camel is n o w called " u n t h " . H o w ­ever it c o u l d n ' t w a l k because its fifth l eg go t i n t h e way , so Parvat i r e q ues t e d h e r h u s b a n d to ge t r i d o f it . M a h a d e v c u t it off w i t h his c h a k r a (blade) b u t a s t u m p was left b e h i n d w h i c h y o u can still see. ( O t h e r vers ions h o l d tha t t h e leg was p u s h e d u p b y M a h a d e v thus

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crea t ing t h e h u m p . ) O n c e tha t fifth l eg was c u t t h e u n t h w o u l d n o t sit still a n d Parvat i c o u l d n o t ca tch it at all. S h e n o w asked M a h a d e v t o m a k e a m a n to l o o k after t h e u n t h . M a h a d e v s ighed a n d m a d e a f igure o u t o f t h e skin d i r t o f his b o d y , p u t n e c t a r o n it a n d b r o u g h t it t o life. H e n c e f o r t h t h e m a n w e n t a r o u n d e v e r y ­w h e r e w i t h t h e u n t h a n d M a h a d e v t o ld h i m tha t h e c o u l d d r i n k t h e camel 's m i l k w h e n e v e r h e felt h u n g r y .

' O n e day t h e m a n a n d his c ame l g o t lost i n t h e j u n g l e . It was da rk a n d co ld . H e saw a l ight far away, w h e r e a b o d y was b u r n i n g i n t h e c r e m a t i o n g r o u n d . B u t b e i n g i g n o r a n t o f bu r i a l r i tuals h e t o o k an e a r t h e n p o t w h i c h was ly ing the re , m i l k e d t h e she c a m e l a n d h e a t e d t h e m i l k in t h e p o t . H e d r a n k it t h e n w e n t t o sleep.

' W h e n it was v e r y late Parvat i j i w o k e u p M a h a d e v j i a n d said, " T h a t m a n hasn ' t c o m e h o m e a n d y o u m u s t d o s o m e t h i n g a b o u t it." M a h a d e v saw w i t h his th i rd eye t ha t t h e m a n was s leep ing in t h e c r e m a t i o n g r o u n d s . H e a n d Parvat i w e n t a n d w o k e h i m u p saying, " G e t u p B h o o t R a b a r i . " ' ( B h o o t m e a n s ghos t a n d R a b a r i m e a n s , possibly, ou t s ide t h e road o r way , thus signifying tha t t h e R a b a r i h a d d o n e s o m e t h i n g w r o n g . T h e r e are o t h e r i n t e r p r e t a ­t ions o f t h e word ' s e t y m o l o g y — a Pers ian r o o t m e a n i n g t o graze , a n o t h e r m e a n i n g ' o n e w h o finds t h e pa thways ' . )

' S o o n , t h e R a b a r i n e e d e d a wife. M a h a d e v t o ld h i m to g o to a pa r t i cu la r r iver a n d steal t h e c lo thes o f t h e fairies b a t h i n g the re . T h i s h e d id a n d t h e a n g r y sisters chased h i m all t h e w a y b a c k t o M a h a d e v ' s t e m p l e . W h e n t h e y go t t h e r e M a h a d e v exp la ined t h e s i tua t ion . S ince it was h e w h o was asking, t w o sisters, Avr i a n d Bavr i , v o l u n t e e r e d t o m a r r y t h e R a b a r i . After a l o n g t i m e s o m e R a j p u t s j o i n e d t he i r descendan t s b y m a r r i a g e a n d that 's w h y o n e finds m a n y R a j p u t n a m e s in different R a b a r i clans.'

' W h y are y o u called ghosts? ' I asked. Var ious p e o p l e repl ied . 'Because o u r houses face away f rom t h e vil lage a n d w e d o n o t

fo l low t h e c o n v e n t i o n s o f t h e village. ' 'Because w h e n w e are w i t h t h e d a n g w e s e l d o m w a s h so w e

l o o k l ike ghosts. ' 'Because w e live in t h e j u n g l e w h e r e ghosts live.' 'Because w e pract ise different ce remonia l s a n d d o n o t k n o w all

t h e H i n d u rituals. '

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T h e s to ry- te l l e r i n t e r r u p t e d . ' T h e r e was o n e R a b a r i m a n f rom l o n g ago w h o was t o ld h e m u s t p e r f o r m t h e s even th -day r i tua l after his father's dea th . H e w a l k e d a long n o t k n o w i n g w h a t t o d o un t i l h e f o u n d a B r a h m i n a n d asked h i m t o p e r f o r m t h e sacred r i tuals for h i m , offer ing h i m t w o r u p e e s to d o so. T h e B r a h m i n smi led t o h imse l f a n d speak ing in Sanskr i t so t h e R a b a r i c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d , said, " H e r e is a s tup id R a b a r i w h o doesn ' t k n o w a n y ­t h i n g . I wi l l fool h i m a n d take his m o n e y . " T h e R a b a r i r e t u r n e d h o m e wel l p leased b u t w h e n his n e i g h b o u r s asked h i m w h a t t h e B r a h m i n h a d said, h e r e p e a t e d t h e s o u n d s h e h a d hea rd . E v e r y o n e l a u g h e d at h i m a n d called h i m a n i g n o r a n t b h o o t . '

M a t a j i s h u s h e d us a n d said, ' L o o k , she is l a u g h i n g to see us . She is l a u g h i n g at o u r ignorance . ' I assured h e r tha t I was l a u g h i n g because I was h a p p y to b e w i t h t h e m a n d because t h e s to ry- te l le r was v e r y clever. She pressed m y h a n d s , s t roked m y face a n d said, ' I t is o u r g rea t g o o d luck. '

A n o t h e r w o m a n a n n o u n c e d t o t h e g a t h e r i n g , ' W e are cal led b h o o t because w e are afraid o f n o t h i n g , n o t o f snakes o r w i l d beasts , a n d w e travel w h e r e t h e r e are n o p e o p l e . W e are t h e k e e p ­ers o f t h e way. ' S e n d i n g a cha l lenge to m e f rom t h e c o r n e r o f h e r eye, she a d d e d , ' I t is h a r d t o live w i t h ghosts. '

M a t a j i c a m e to m y defence . ' B u t this w o m a n is c o u r a g e o u s . She does w o r k tha t m e n c a n n o t do . S h e is s t rong e n o u g h t o g o w i t h us.'

B y n o w a h o r d e o f li t t le boys in b lue s choo l u n i f o r m s h a d s q u e e z e d i n t o t h e r o o m . I asked w h y n o girls w e n t t o schoo l . ' A girl wi l l g o t o live a n d w o r k i n h e r pa ren t s - in - l aw ' s h o u s e so an e d u c a t i o n for h e r is a was te o f m o n e y . W e are p o o r p e o p l e a n d an i n c o m e is m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n e d u c a t i o n . W e usually on ly send o n e b o y p e r family a n d t h e n j u s t un t i l h e can read a n d w r i t e . E v e n so h e wi l l still l o o k after t h e animals p r o u d l y . After tha t w e are n o t in t e res t ed in schoo l . W e have n o t go t t h e sifarish (influ­ence) t o get t h e j o b s , n o r t h e m o n e y for b r ibes , so w h a t use w o u l d o u r e d u c a t i o n be? T h e animals are o u r l iv ing, t h e y are o u r weal th . '

N e x t t o m e o n e o f t h e boys was teas ing his aun t ie . She t u r n e d to m e a n d said, 'You see h o w h e t aun ts m e ? H e teases m e because I a m ill i terate. W e R a i k a are j u s t l ike t h e animals , u n e d u c a t e d a n d

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b a c k w a r d . B u t o n e day I wi l l e d u c a t e m y s o n a n d h e wi l l t h e n b e able t o sit w i t h e d u c a t e d p e o p l e w i t h o u t shame. '

I asked if a n y o n e h e r e h e l d o t h e r j o b s . D u r i n g f a m i n e years t h e R a i k a w o m e n (and any available m e n ) w e r e g iven w o r k o n d r o u g h t - r e l i e f projec ts , b u i l d i n g roads o r s ink ing wells . A n d t h e r e was a b o y w h o h a d g o n e t o w o r k w i t h s o m e relatives w h o o w n e d a swee t s h o p i n t h e s lums o f B o m b a y . ' D i d h e w a n t t o g o ? ' I asked. P e o p l e s e e m e d b e m u s e d b y t h e ques t i on . ' I m e a n , w h y did h e g o ? ' T h e y l o o k e d at m e as if I w e r e r e t a rded a n d said, ' F o r t h e m o n e y . ' O n e forgets, i n one ' s p r iv i lege , tha t p o v e r t y m e a n s t h e absence o f cho ice . You d o n o t g o t o cities because y o u are b o r e d w i t h c o u n t r y life b u t because y o u are a refugee o f d e v e l o p m e n t o r p o v e r t y o r eco logica l d e s t r u c t i o n — a n d in t h e ci ty y o u m i g h t b e pa id e n o u g h t o s e n d a little h o m e .

' W h e n G o d m a d e t h e first Ra ika , ' i n t e r r u p t e d t h e s tory- te l ler , ' t ha t m a n t u r n e d to G o d a n d said, "You ' r e s o m e t h i n g else. You 've g iven m e t w o eyes, t w o ears, t w o feet, t w o hands b u t on ly o n e s t o m a c h . It isn't fair. W h y d id y o u d o i t ? " G o d l a u g h e d at h i m a n d answered , " Y o u foolish R a i k a , d o n ' t y o u realize h o w m u c h t roub le y o u ' r e g o i n g t o have filling one?" '

' A n d w h y d o y o u s o m e t i m e s call yourse lves R a i k a a n d s o m e ­t imes R a b a r i ? ' I was to ld tha t t he r e was really n o difference b u t tha t o lde r p e o p l e t e n d e d t o use t h e o lde r t e r m R a b a r i , w h e r e a s R a i k a was pe rhaps m o r e fashionable these days.

I asked if I m i g h t g o w i t h t h e m this yea r o n t h e dang . 'You are always w e l c o m e t o live w i t h us, ' said M a t a j i , ' b u t this

wi l l b e a ho l iday yea r for us . Usua l ly w e m i g r a t e t o H a r y a n a . It is ve ry h a r d w o r k a n d w e are p leased t o c o m e back . H a r y a n a is full o f b a d m a a s h (crooks) . B u t this year t h e ra in was so g o o d w e d o n ' t have to g o tha t far.' I n any case the i r he rds w e r e o n p e r m a n e n t m i g r a t i o n , a p h e n o m e n o n w h i c h b e g a n in 1942 d u r i n g a famine . T h e graziers h a d surv ived b e t t e r t h a n m o s t b y t ak ing the i r he rds grea t dis tances. It was imprac t ica l t o b r i n g t h e m all t h e w a y h o m e . C o n s e q u e n t l y , a l t h o u g h p e o p l e j o u r n e y e d b a c k a n d fo r th f rom t h e d a n g to t h e village, t h e animals n e v e r r e t u r n e d . D u r i n g tha t famine , M a t a j i t o ld m e , t h e y h a d t aken s o m e ch i ld ren f rom o t h e r castes w i t h t h e m so tha t t h e y c o u l d d r i n k t h e an imals ' m i l k a n d survive.

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W h e n it was t i m e t o g o I asked M a t a j i if I m i g h t b u y s o m e c a m e l feed f rom her . ' A r e e e e e , if I t o o k m o n e y f rom y o u I w o u l d n o t g o t o heaven . Y o u are m y guest. ' P o i n t i n g to t h e t h r ee t iny g o l d suns in each front t o o t h she said, ' W h e n I d ie , this is t h e o n l y go ld tha t wi l l g o w i t h m e . W h a t does o n e take after dea th? Jus t one ' s g o o d deeds a n d t h e love o f o thers . ' I n t h e e n d I gave t h e p a y m e n t t o h e r g r a n d s o n w h o b e l o n g e d to a g e n e r a t i o n w h i c h h a d l e a r n e d t o t e m p e r generos i ty w i t h p r a g m a t i s m .

W a l k i n g t h e n e x t m o r n i n g , t h e phrase ' keepers o f t h e w a y ' k e p t r e t u r n i n g t o m e . As it i m p l i e d s o m e t h i n g fixed a n d r i g id I h a d t h o u g h t it a mis t rans la t ion . B u t if it was , it was a felici tous o n e reveal ing, now, a d e e p e r t r u t h . R a b a r i s w e r e t h e keepe r s o f t h e o r ig ina l w a y - n o m a d i s m .

O n t h e s e c o n d last day Di l ip drove t o J o d h p u r t o stay in a h o t e l . H e w o u l d m e e t us i n t h e m o r n i n g t o d o t h e ' camels c o m i n g past J o d h p u r castle ' sho t . I d e c i d e d l ike a g o o d cap ta in t o r e m a i n w i t h m y m e n . R a j u h a d already g o n e h o m e , so Ko ju , B h a i r o n a n d I c a m p e d b y a small w h i t e t e m p l e . P o o r B h a i r o n h a d b e e n t r y i n g his bes t t o satisfy t h e r e q u i r e m e n t s o f t h e luna t i c w h i t e w o m a n a n d t h e d e m a n d s o f a p h o t o g r a p h e r . A n d w h a t h a d h e g o t i n r e t u r n b u t mou th fu l s o f dus t a n d sore feet? H e h a d tha t l o o k tha t cats s o m e t i m e s ge t w h e n t h e y are d isgus ted w i t h y o u — flat a r o u n d t h e ears. H e said n o t h i n g b u t I was p r e t t y sure h e was close t o tears . O r t o m u r d e r .

K o j u tactfully w e n t t o hea t h i m s o m e w a t e r a n d I b e g a n t o p repa re t h e dal. ' B h a i r o n S i n g h j i is angry, ' I said, b u t t h e r e was n o reply . H e sat c ross- legged o n t h e steps o f t h e t e m p l e a n d b e g a n t o shave. Af terwards h e d i sappeared b e h i n d t h e t e m p l e for a b a t h . I bus i ed mysel f w i t h t h e c o o k i n g un t i l I was i n t e r r u p t e d b y a n exquis i te b a r i t o n e . I l o o k e d ins ide t h e t e m p l e a n d t he re was B h a i r o n , s t and ing before t h e goddess in his fresh w h i t e c lo thes , c leans ing his b e i n g w i t h song .

W h e n , t h e fo l lowing day, w e l i m p e d i n t o N a r e n d r a ' s f a rm, h e lifted his a r m s to h e a v e n a n d p r o c l a i m e d , ' B h a i r o n S i n g h R a i k a -H i s t o r y ka hero . ' A n d I p u t o u t m y r i g h t h a n d t o K o j u w h o t o o k it shyly in b o t h his, b o w e d , g r i n n e d a n d de l ivered m e t o N a r e n d r a .

5

His tory ' s H e r o w e n t b a c k t o b e i n g a p o l i c e m a n . D i l i p r e t u r n e d t o D e l h i . M o m a l a n d S u m a l w e r e t e t h e r e d in front o f t h e h o u s e . A n d I, at last, h a d s o m e o n e t o talk to . T h e m o m e n t I saw N a r e n d r a all t h e repressed s p e e c h o f t h e p rev ious w e e k s c a m e o u t like su lphu rous gas f rom a geyser. T h e r e h e sat i n his ra t tan chair , n o d d i n g gravely, smi l ing occasional ly as I b a b b l e d o n w i t h o u t b rea th , d r o p p i n g m y m a n i a i n t o t h e wel l o f his b e i n g w i t h o u t ever h e a r i n g a splash. I ta lked t o h i m t h e w a y B h a i r o n h a d s u n g t o his goddess . A n d w i t h t h e same d e p t h o f g ra t i tude . After t h e first b o u t o f verb iage I d i sappeared ins ide m y r o o m a n d slept for a day. O n t h e fo l lowing m o r n i n g N a r e n d r a sent a message tha t s o m e o n e h a d a r r ived w h o m h e w o u l d l ike m e t o m e e t .

F r o m m y small c o n t a c t w i t h India's g o d m e n I was n o t p r e d i s ­p o s e d to h o l d i n g t h e m in h i g h regard . If I t h o u g h t o f t h e m at all, I t h o u g h t o f t h e m as g r e e d y charlatans w h o drove a r o u n d in C a d i l ­lacs exp lo i t i ng spir i tual v a c u u m s . T h e n t h e r e was t h e o t h e r k i n d w h i c h m i x e d pol i t ics w i t h re l ig ious fanat ic ism and p r e a c h e d t o l e r ­ance to all Ind ians excep t M u s l i m s , Chr i s t i ans , Jains , J e w s a n d Sikhs. N o r h a d I, l ike m a n y o t h e r w e s t e r n e r s , c o m e t o Ind ia t o f ind B h a g w a n . B u t w h e n I sat i n front o f B h a w a n i S h a n k a r j i a n d l o o k e d i n t o his face, t he r e was n o m i s t a k i n g tha t I was in t h e p r e sence o f a h igh ly evolved h u m a n b e i n g . E v e r y t h i n g a b o u t h i m was sweetness , selflessness, clari ty, v i g o u r a n d h u m o u r . M e t a p h o r i ­cally speak ing , y o u c o u l d see s t raight t h r o u g h h i m t o t h e o t h e r side o f t h e r o o m . H e was dressed i n a sc rupu lous ly c lean b u t th readbare d h o t i a n d h e w o r e a pale b l u e t u r b a n w h i c h exact ly m a t c h e d his eyes. H e was v e r y o ld .

W e ta lked for a w h i l e , N a r e n d r a i n t e r p r e t i n g . T h e n t hey

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2 . Walking my new camels back to Jodhpur

i . Koju and me with the new jeep

3. Mornat, king of the Rajasthan Jogis

4. Takat Singh and Chutra training Momal

5. Bhopavand, a Rabari village

6. Phagu

7. Nakki, 48 years old

8. Latchi gathering the lambs

9. Parma wears my hat and glasses

1 1 . Parma, Jaivi, Latchi and me sewing

i o . Jaivi, Parma and me

1 2 . Collecting firewood

m u t t e r e d s o m e t h i n g to each o ther . B h a w a n i t u r n e d back to m e and said, 'You m u s t n o t be anx ious a b o u t y o u r w o r k . E v e r y t h i n g wil l t u r n o u t well because y o u are n o t d o i n g it for selfish reasons. You m u s t learn to b e ca lm and to he lp y o u w i t h this, I wil l give y o u a mantra . ' It was an anc i en t Sanskr i t verse, an appeal to D e v i . I was to l ea rn it off by h e a r t and say it every day.

' B u t B h a w a n i j i , it is n o t m u c h g o o d m y saying this prayer w h e n I d o n ' t bel ieve tha t D e v i , o r a n y t h i n g else, is t he re t o listen.'

H e burs t o u t l a u g h i n g and repl ied, ' B u t y o u are qu i t e r ight ! T h e r e is n o o n e l is tening; the re is n o t h i n g . O n l y t h e c rea t ion itself w h i c h is ineffable. I m a g i n e it as an e n g i n e , p u s h i n g the universe a long . T h i n k of it in t e r m s o f sc ience if y o u like, b u t say t h e m a n t r a anyway . You will see that it wil l d o y o u good . '

H e refused to take a n y t h i n g from m e and , by way o f exp l ana ­t ion , to ld t h e fo l lowing s tory . T h e M a h a r a n i o f J o d h p u r w i s h e d to t h a n k h i m for s o m e he lp h e had given h e r by hav ing a velvet coat m a d e for h i m . H e refused t h e gift, saying tha t h e w o u l d b e c o m e d e p e n d e n t o n t h e w a r m t h and l u x u r y o f the coa t b u t that w h e n t h e coat w o r e o u t w h a t w o u l d h e do? It was b e t t e r neve r t o o w n a coa t than to miss hav ing a coat .

' W h e n m y chi ld d ied I m i g h t have g iven way to g r ie f as I loved h i m very m u c h . B u t that w o u l d n o t b r i n g b a c k m y son n o r d o a n y o n e else any g o o d . It is b e t t e r t o p r o c e e d w i t h one 's d u t y in the service o f o the r s t han wal low in t h e pa in a t t a c h m e n t s br ing . '

It is d i s conce r t i ng to m e e t s o m e o n e to w h o m it is imposs ib le to give a n y t h i n g because h e has n o desire for any th ing . H e c a n n o t b e c h a r m e d o r w o n over because t h e love e m a n a t i n g f rom h i m is already u n c o n d i t i o n a l . I rarely said m y m a n t r a b u t w h e n I did, I said it for B h a w a n i ji w h o s e hea r t was as p u r e as a t e m p l e bell .

'You b r o u g h t h i m he re for m e , d idn ' t y o u ? ' ' H e c o m e s to visit m e anyway. B u t as y o u w e r e he re . . .' 'Tha t ' s so k i n d o f y o u , N a r e n d r a . Bu t , tell m e , all this puja

business y o u do . W h a t goes o n inside y o u r head w h e n y o u d o it? I can ' t i m a g i n e w h a t it is l ike t o have a faith.'

' W h e n t h e o ld m a n dies I shall p robab ly s top d o i n g them. ' ' B u t w h a t d o y o u believe? D o y o u bel ieve in the soul su rv iv ing

after dea th? '

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' N o . ' ' D o y o u be l ieve in k a r m a ? ' ' N o . The re ' s j u s t o n e life.' ' T h e n d o y o u bel ieve in a G o d w h o is consc ious o f y o u , w h o

listens t o y o u ? ' ' N o . ' 'Then who the hell are you praying to?' ' N o t to a n y o n e exact ly . I r e m e m b e r Jesus , B u d d h a , M o h a m m e d ,

Parvat i . T h e ea r th has b e e n k i n d to m e . So it's a w a y o f j u s t . . . b e i n g by myself, r e t u r n i n g to mysel f a n d . . . g iv ing thanks . '

T h e r e was n o p o i n t i n asking t h a n k s t o w h o m as t h e W h o o r W h a t o f t h e m a t t e r was obvious ly i r re levant . T h e p o i n t was tha t Na rend ra ' s p rayers gave h i m a k i n d o f ballast as h e sailed t h r o u g h t h e s t o r m s o f life.

'You wil l n e e d s o m e o n e t o l o o k after t h e camels. ' ' N o , I w o n ' t . I 've o w n e d camels be fore . . .' ' H m m . B u t tha t was in Austral ia a n d n o w y o u are in India , a n d

in Ind ia y o u wi l l n e e d s o m e o n e to l o o k after t h e camels . Y o u w o n ' t have t i m e to take t h e m o u t t o feed so I 've t a k e n t h e l ibe r ty o f e m p l o y i n g a R a i k a . . .'

' I f s o m e o n e has t o b e e m p l o y e d , t h e n I ' m d o i n g t h e e m p l o y i n g . . .'

As always N a r e n d r a go t his w a y a n d a few days la ter C h u t r a R a m R a i k a a r r ived , a m a n w h o s e d i m i n u t i v e size was in reverse p r o p o r t i o n to his ego . H i s p e o p l e n o l o n g e r w a n d e r e d b u t w o r k e d , w h e n t h e y cou ld , for local l a n d o w n e r s . H e w o r e his t u r b a n at a j a u n t y angle , s t ru t t ed o n da in ty legs, h a d b e e n e d u c a t e d to t e n t h class, c o u l d speak H i n d i a n d a d o z e n w o r d s o f Engl i sh , p r o n o u n c e d h imse l f h o n o u r e d t o b e m y u n t h wal lah (camel hand le r ) a n d d e m a n d e d d o u b l e his wages .

F o r t h e first t i m e I f o u n d i g n o r a n c e o f t h e l anguage useful. 'Kya? ' I said. I h a d e n o u g h H i n d i n o w to b e able t o i m a g i n e C h u t r a ' s s p e e c h in Engl i sh . It w e n t s o m e t h i n g l ike this .

' I a m t h e luckies t a n d m o s t h o n o u r e d o f m e n t o b e able t o w o r k for such an i m p o r t a n t a n d r i c h a p e r s o n as yourself . I wi l l w o r k as ha rd as a t h o u s a n d m e n a n d I wi l l p r o t e c t y o u a n d l o o k after M o m a l a n d S u m a l because I k n o w e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t camels .

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A n d y o u wi l l g ive m e t w i c e t h e w a g e tha t Sahib has offered. I a m an o n l y s o n a n d I m u s t l o o k after m y m o t h e r , w h o is v e r y p o o r a n d ve ry o ld a n d ve ry sick. I m u s t b u i l d h e r a n e w h o u s e to live in. '

C h u t r a s ighed deep ly , t h e n b e g a n t o p i c k pr ick les off m y k u r t a — an i n t i m a c y w h i c h m a d e m e dis t inct ly u n c o m f o r t a b l e . Besides tha t , h e u sed t h e i n t i m a t e f o r m o f address, tu rn . I n H i n d i t u r n is u sed t o address t hose y o u n g e r t h a n onese l f o r close fr iends o r those in an in fe r io r social pos i t i on . Servants , for e x a m p l e , are always re fer red t o as t u r n b y t he i r emp loye r s . T h i s l inguis t ic h i e r ­archy w e n t against m y gra in . C o n s e q u e n t l y I u s e d t u r n o n l y w i t h ch i ld ren a n d always addressed t h e servants as aap, t h e m o r e po l i t e a n d respectful use. 'Kya aap n e b o l e ? ' I said p o i n t e d l y b u t C h u t r a was i m p e r v i o u s t o i n n u e n d o . I b a c k e d i n t o t h e h o u s e to discuss t h e m a t t e r w i t h N a r e n d r a .

W e h a d h a d similar discussions before . I w a n t e d to pay m y emp loyees m o r e ; h e fo rbade it .

' B u t w h y ? ' 'Because if y o u pay K o j u m o r e , o r C h u t r a m o r e , e v e r y o n e wi l l

have t o receive an equ iva len t raise a n d h u n d r e d s o f p e o p l e w o r k for m e . Besides , t h e y are a l ready wel l paid . T h e ones at t h e t o p receive m o r e t h a n a g o v e r n m e n t salary a n d all o f t h e m ge t t h r e e m o n t h s ' , ho l iday a yea r p lus m a n y pe rks . Please d o n ' t w r e c k m y system.'

' A feudal system, ' I m u t t e r e d . ' D o n ' t y o u w o r r y a b o u t it . I 'll deal w i t h C h u t r a . He ' s a lready

g e t t i n g t w i c e t h e w a g e o f his p rev ious j o b a n d t h e r o g u e o n l y has t w o camels t o l o o k after.' H e l a u g h e d . ' B u t y o u have to a d m i r e his p luck. '

La te r K o j u c a m e in b e a r i n g tea. H e h a d a b r o o d i n g l o o k . P i e c i n g t o g e t h e r t h e bi ts o f his m u m b l e d M a r w a r i , I s u p p o s e d h i m t o say, ' I f ce r t a in p e o p l e are b e i n g difficult, t h e n t he re are t h o u s a n d s o f o the r s i n n e e d o f a ce r ta in person ' s j o b . C e r t a i n p e o p l e s h o u l d b e thankfu l for w h a t t h e y are offered w h i c h is m o r e t h a n o t h e r p e o p l e ge t t o d o m o r e work . '

T h e n o t i o n o f sol idar i ty a m o n g w o r k e r s h a d n o t p e n e t r a t e d rura l Ra j a s than . T h e M a r w a r i s w o r k i n g h e r e w e r e ent i re ly l ack ing i n tha t p re requ is i t e for c lass-consciousness — envy . K o j u was i d e n t i ­f ied w i t h N a r e n d r a and , b y default , m e . W h a t was g o o d for us was

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g o o d for h i m . O u r e n e m i e s w e r e his e n e m i e s . H e w o u l d boas t t o e v e r y o n e w e c a m e across tha t his M e m s a h i b spen t t h e equ iva len t o f a day's wages o n cigaret tes . A n d d id t h e rec ip ients o f this i n f o r m a ­t i o n regard m e w i t h l o a t h i n g a n d c o n t e m p t ? N o t at all. M y prof l i ­gacy was an i n d i c a t i o n o f m y h i g h status a n d t h e p r o p e r response to a status h i g h e r t h a n one 's o w n is h u m i l i t y a n d respect .

C h u t r a d id n o t give u p despi te t h e tacit censor iousness f rom those a r o u n d h i m . I t o o k to sneak ing across t o m y r o o m like a burglar , h o p i n g n o t t o e n c o u n t e r h i m . B u t h e was able t o d iv ine m y p re sence a n d t he re h e w o u l d be , cajoling, flattering, harassing.

' C h u t r a , y o u m u s t take u p t h e m a t t e r w i t h Sahib. H e says w h a t each w a g e wi l l be. '

' N o t at all! You are m y benefac to r . Y o u are r i c h a n d I a m a p o o r m a n . You can say h o w m u c h . '

N o o n e was m o r e consc ious t h a n h e o f t h e m u l t i t u d e s press ing against t h e gates o f this f a rm. I c o u l d have h a d t e n t h o u s a n d came l m e n for t h e p r i c e o f a c a r t o n o f cigaret tes a month. B u t C h u t r a R a m R a i k a was e d u c a t e d t o t e n t h class a n d t h o u g h h e m i g h t o w n ju s t o n e d h o t i , o n e fraying shir t a n d a ra t ty t u rban , h e was S o m e ­b o d y . To s h o w h o w indispensable h e was h e go t u p at five, fed t h e camels , c l i pped the i r coats i n t o p r e t t y pa t t e rns t h e n t o o k t h e m o u t t o t h e fields t o feed o n t h e k e t c h e r i t rees. W h e r e v e r I l o o k e d C h u t r a w o u l d b e the re , l o u d l y f ind ing s o m e t h i n g to do . As for t h e camels , n e v e r have I seen animals so p a m p e r e d . T h e i r bellies b e c a m e h u g e , t he i r h u m p s obscene , the i r t e m p e r s h o r r i d . M y camels i n Austral ia h a d b e e n spoil t , n o d o u b t , b u t t h e y h a d m a n ­ners . A n y i n s u r r e c t i o n was m e t b y a hefty b low. N o t so, M o m a l a n d Sumal . If I t r i ed t o g o a n y w h e r e n e a r t h e m , C h u t r a w o u l d b e t he re fussing, te l l ing m e w h a t to d o a n d h o w to d o it, g r a b b i n g lines a n d l ea the r o u t o f m y hands . N o w , camels are n o t s tupid . Very qu ick ly these t w o u n d e r s t o o d tha t t hey c o u l d p e r s e c u t e a n y o n e t h e y ca red to as l o n g as t h e y sucked u p to C h u t r a . I w o u l d dear ly have loved to take t h e m o u t b u s h a n d t each t h e m p r o p e r a t t i t ude w i t h a h o b b l e cha in , b u t t h e u n t h wal lah was o m n i p r e s e n t .

C h u t r a h a d already t o ld m e t h e s to ry o f t h e pr incesses for w h o m t h e camels w e r e n a m e d . M o m a l was t h e pr incess o f L o d -vara, t h e o ld capital o f Jaisalmer. S h e was f amous for h e r b e a u t y .

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Sumal , h e r sister, w h o was n o t at all beaut i fu l , dressed l ike a m a n a n d loved t o g o h u n t i n g . M a h e n d r a was a p r i n c e o f A m a r k o t , t h e o ld capital o f Pakis tan. H e was e x t r e m e l y ugly , h a d on ly o n e eye a n d was v e r y dark . B u t h e loved M o m a l a n d w a n t e d t o m a r r y her . T h e love was r e t u r n e d in full measu re . M a h e n d r a o w n e d a ve ry w o n d e r f u l c a m e l called C h i k a l w h o c o u l d travel t h e six t h o u s a n d mi les i n a n i g h t a n d cross t h e K a a k R i v e r w i t h o u t any p r o b l e m . A t m i d n i g h t M a h e n d r a w o u l d r i d e t o his mistress, stay w i t h h e r un t i l fou r a n d t h e n r e t u r n h o m e .

O n e n i g h t M o m a l a n d S u m a l h a d b e e n goss ip ing t o g e t h e r a n d b e c a m e so t i red tha t t h e y fell asleep in t h e same co t . W h e n M a h e n ­dra a r r ived , t h e y w e r e cu r l ed i n each o ther ' s a r m s . M a h e n d r a saw tha t his b e l o v e d was s leep ing w i t h , as h e t h o u g h t , a n o t h e r m a n . H e b e c a m e ve ry a n g r y a n d ga l loped h o m e .

A t four o ' c l o c k M o m a l a w o k e a n d said, ' W h e r e is m y M a h e n ­dra? ' T h e servants t o ld h e r tha t h e h a d c o m e b u t h a d left i n a ve ry a n g r y m o o d . S h e t h o u g h t t o herse l f t ha t it m u s t b e because h e h a d seen h e r w i t h S u m a l a n d sent a message t o h i m t o c o m e so tha t she c o u l d clear u p t h e m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g . B u t h e w o u l d n o t .

T h e n e x t n i g h t M o m a l d e t e r m i n e d t o g o t o h i m . B u t t h e rains h a d c o m e a n d t h e r iver was swol len . E v e r y m i n u t e t h e flood b e c a m e h i g h e r a n d h ighe r . B u t so despera te was she t o see h e r p r i n c e tha t she p l u n g e d i n t o t h e w a t e r a n d d r o w n e d . M a h e n d r a n e v e r m a r r i e d a n y o n e else.

C h u t r a h a d t o s t ruggle against tears w h e n te l l ing this s tory . La te r h e b o a s t e d tha t i n t h e g o o d o ld days R a i k a h a d b e e n m e s s e n ­gers t o k ings a n d w e r e a l lowed fu r ther i n t o t h e royal houses t h a n o t h e r castes. R a i k a h a d a c c o m p a n i e d the i r rajahs o n t h e b a t t l e ­fields o f y o r e ; i n d e e d , t h e nob i l i ty h a d d e p e n d e d u p o n R a i k a in te l l igence , R a i k a b ravery , R a i k a skill.

I c o u l d fo l low his l ine o f r eason ing . B y a s t roke o f g o o d f o r t u n e t h e o ld days h a d r e t u r n e d a n d he , C h u t r a R a m R a i k a , was n o w e m p l o y e d b y a m e m b e r o f t h e J o d h p u r d u r b a r (cour t ) a n d b y his guest , a fabulously r i c h E u r o p e a n . E r g o t h e camels h a d to have t h e bes t a n d m o s t expens ive food , t h e bes t saddles, h a d t o b e d e c o r ­a ted w i t h bells a n d silver a n d tat, h a d t o b e seen t o b e s u p e r i o r i n eve ry w a y t o h o i po l lo i camels . B u t this was n o t w h a t I h a d p l a n n e d . I w a n t e d h a r d - w o r k i n g , safe, affect ionate camels . C a m e l s

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y o u c o u l d share a j o k e w i t h w h e n t h e g o i n g g o t r o u g h . I d id n o t w a n t these au tocra t i c , fat, f o u l - t e m p e r e d , gaudi ly a t t i red, ma l i c ious and , above all, d ange rous pr incesses .

B u t m y ideas w e r e based o n i g n o r a n c e o f t h e na tu ra l o r d e r o f th ings . I was n o t t o h a n d l e m y o w n camels . T h a t w o u l d b e b e ­n e a t h m y s t and ing a n d w o u l d i m p l y tha t he , C h u t r a , was i n c o m p e t ­e n t at his j o b . I was to behave l ike a k i n d o f w h i t e - s k i n n e d rani t o w h o m such th ings as t i g h t e n i n g g i r ths a n d p u n i s h i n g d r o m e d a r i e s w e r e u n t h i n k a b l e . B u t t h e r o o t o f o u r difficulty was this : I, his boss , t h e p e r s o n f rom w h o m h e was s u p p o s e d to accep t o rders , was a w o m a n .

O u r h o r n s w e r e l o c k e d f r o m t h e b e g i n n i n g b u t I c o u l d on ly lose g r o u n d . C h u t r a h a d b e h i n d h i m t h e w e i g h t o f t r ad i t ion , flu­e n c y in H i n d i a n d M a r w a r i (it is ve ry difficult t o b e c o m m a n d i n g w h e n y o u c a n n o t say t h e c o m m a n d s ) a n d t h e skin o f a c rocod i l e . T h u s M o m a l a n d S u m a l b e c a m e his camels a n d I gave u p m y last h o p e o f con t ro l l i ng any aspect o f m y life i n Ra ja s than . Was it c h a r a c t e r - b u i l d i n g t o b e m a d e i m p o t e n t ? Was I l e a r n i n g h o w t o let g o t h e o ld hab i t o f to ta l self-reliance? N o . I was l e a r n i n g h o w t o resent bastards l ike C h u t r a in t h e p r ivacy o f m y lit t le r o o m at n igh t .

O f all t h e servants , t h e o n l y o n e w h o really u n d e r s t o o d m y n e e d t o d o th ings for myse l f was K o j u . I n d e e d , so wel l d id h e u n d e r s t a n d it t ha t h e c o u l d n o w lie b a c k qu i t e happi ly , s m o k i n g m y cigaret tes o r p lay ing M a r w a r i songs o n m y cassette r e c o r d e r w h i l e I d id all m y w o r k myself, a n d his as wel l . S o m e h o w I j u s t h a d n ' t go t t h e h a n g o f this servant business .

I c o u l d n o t ge t u sed t o t h e idea o f t h e r e b e i n g classes o f p e o p l e i n h e r e n t l y in fe r io r t o oneself, t o w h o m o n e c o u l d b e as od ious ly c o n d e s c e n d i n g o r d o w n r i g h t b ru t a l as o n e l iked, y e t w i t h w h o m o n e l ived as i n t ima te ly as family. I h a d seen o t h e r w i s e perfect ly d e c e n t p e o p l e in D e l h i abus ing the i r servants as if t h e y w e r e pets . D e e p w i t h i n I h e l d t h e P ro te s t an t n o t i o n tha t o n e s h o u l d d o one 's o w n chores a n d tha t , if y o u d iv ided t h e w o r l d i n t o mas ters a n d servants , t h e mas ters b e c a m e i n c o m p e t e n t at l o o k i n g after t h e m ­selves, a n d t h e servants incapab le o f i n d e p e n d e n t t h o u g h t . Pe rhaps , i n m y o w n cu l tu re , t h e i d e o l o g y o f ega l i ta r ian ism was c o m p e n s a ­t i o n for t h e c h a s m separa t ing o n e ind iv idua l f rom a n o t h e r . T h e

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s t ruc tu re o f Ind i an socie ty p r o v i d e d a k i n d o f psych ic secur i ty as we l l as i m p o s i n g order . E v e r y p e r s o n k n e w w h e r e a n d w h o h e was i n re la t ion t o every o t h e r p e r s o n .

It was a different m o r a l i t y t o w h i c h I m u s t adjust. B u t h o w was I t o find a p lace w i t h i n t h e s t ruc tu re tha t was to le rable for m e a n d w o u l d n o t cause p r o b l e m s for t h e p e o p l e a r o u n d m e ? W i t h o u t t h e abili ty (or desire) t o r ecogn ize h i g h f rom low, close f rom far, I gave equa l a t t e n t i o n to all, t hus e x h a u s t i n g myself, confus ing t h e rec ip ients a n d u p s e t t i n g t h e ba l ance o f a sys tem tha t h a d w o r k e d perfect ly h a r m o n i o u s l y before I c a m e .

Yet it was t h e servants w h o w e r e m y closest c o m p a n i o n s , t h e servants w h o l a u g h e d at m y j o k e s , t r i ed t o t each m e the i r l anguage , to ld m e the i r s tor ies , w h o w e r e t h e r e w h e n I n e e d e d c o m p a n y , w h o tactfully w i t h d r e w w h e n t h e y sensed m y inwardness — t h e servants w h o w e r e m y fr iends. B u t t hose f r i end ­ships c o n t a i n e d so m a n y cul tura l subt let ies o f w h i c h I was u n a w a r e tha t it was o n l y b y t he i r a c c e p t a n c e o f t h e b o u n d a r i e s i m p o s e d b y difference o f b i r t h , t he i r u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e co r r ec t re la t ionships a m o n g each layer o f t h e social p y r a m i d , a n d the i r t o l e rance o f m y i g n o r a n c e , tha t t roub le w i t h i n t h e ranks was avoided .

N a r e n d r a h a d asked Taka t S i n g h t o t ra in m y camels . T rac to r loads o f sand h a d b e e n depos i t ed in front o f t h e j h u m p a in p r e p a r a ­t i o n for t h e event . O n t h e m o r n i n g it was t o b e g i n S u m a l a lmos t t o o k m y h a n d off at t h e e lbow, a p i e c e o f evil at w h i c h C h u t r a h a d smi led benevo l en t l y . Takat a r r ived at six in his b l u e safari suit, d y n a m i t e d t h e hills w i t h his l augh a n d said, 'Just see if she wan t s t o b i t e a n y o n e after today. ' I t o o k a seat r i ng - s ide t o w a t c h t h e p e r f o r m ­ance . First t h e camel 's f ront legs w e r e t i ed w i t h r o p e , so tha t she was forced t o crawl . T h i s she did , r o a r i n g a n d fighting, un t i l h e r b a c k legs qu ive red a n d she sank to t h e g r o u n d , at w h i c h p o i n t Takat , d isplaying n e i t h e r ange r n o r sen t imenta l i ty , b e l t e d h e r w i t h a r o p e un t i l she c rawled again. C h u t r a ' s h e a r t was b r e a k i n g b u t I felt t h e t iniest sliver o f satisfaction at t h e sight. B y t h e e n d o f tha t first day's t r a in ing m y pr incesses w o u l d c rawl o n c o m m a n d w i t h ­o u t so m u c h as a r u m b l e o f pro tes t . T h e s e m o r n i n g circuses w e r e t o c o n t i n u e for four w e e k s un t i l M o m a l a n d S u m a l w o u l d l o w e r t he i r heads t o t h e g r o u n d o n c o m m a n d , roll over o n c o m m a n d (a

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useful tact ic i n t h e deser t w h e n y o u are u n d e r fire t h o u g h I r a t h e r h o p e d I w o u l d n e v e r have to use i t) , pace , s top a n d w a l k o n c o m m a n d - a n d any t h o u g h t o f chas ing, b i t i n g o r k i c k i n g a n y o n e s e e m e d to have van i shed f rom the i r p r e t t y heads .

W h e n Takat was a r o u n d , C h u t r a was t h e essence o f h u m i l i t y n o t t o say obsequ iousness . B u t as s o o n as Takat was g o n e h e w o u l d g r u m b l e tha t on ly R a i k a k n e w h o w to h a n d l e camels a n d tha t all this t r a in ing was a was te o f t i m e . Takat h a d g iven h i m str ict ins t ruc t ions to exercise t h e beasts eve ry day a n d to fo l low t h r o u g h w i t h t h e r o u t i n e . P red ic tab ly C h u t r a d id n o t c o m p l y . B u t at least I h a d m y w a y a b o u t r i d i n g t h e m every m o r n i n g at five.

I always r o d e M o m a l , t h e R o l l s - R o y c e . O f f w e w o u l d fly at a b r i sk pace , C h u t r a , natural ly , t ak ing t h e lead, his t u r b a n set at an even m o r e rakish angle , his b a c k straight , his l i t t le legs g r i p p i n g l ike f ingers, s ing ing M a r w a r i songs in a frightful falsetto, w a v i n g his w h i p in t h e air l ike a bat t le flag. Mis ts rose off t h e chilli fields, w a t e r birds p a d d l e d in t h e i r r i ga t i on d i tches , t h e castles i n t h e dis tance w e r e t i n g e d p i n k b y t h e r i s ing sun .

W h a t e v e r faults I c o u l d find w i t h t h e beasts o n t h e g r o u n d , o n c e o n the i r backs I a d o r e d t h e m . I t was like r i d i n g c louds , o r silk, a n d t hey r e s p o n d e d t o t h e meres t t o u c h , t h e softest w o r d . T h e difference b e t w e e n Ja isa lmer r i d i n g camels a n d Aus t ra l ian p l o d ­ders was t h e difference b e t w e e n go ld a n d lead. C h u t r a b e c a m e a tall m a n in t h e saddle. To b e seen o n t h e b a c k o f such e legan t camels as these c o m p e n s a t e d for his l i t t leness, his pove r ty , for all t h e humi l i a t i ons o f b e i n g a n in te l l igen t m a n e m p l o y e d far b e n e a t h his abilities. I a lmos t c a m e to like h i m d u r i n g those r ides un t i l o n e day h e said, ' M a d a m Sahib can r i d e v e r y well. ' A m a z i n g h o w a c o m p l i m e n t can s o u n d l ike an insul t w h e n de l ivered w i t h t h e c o r r ec t a m o u n t o f sarcasm. I said n o t h i n g .

' O f course, ' h e w e n t o n , ' R a i k a w o m e n can r i d e w i t h o u t a saddle a n d j u m p o n to t h e an ima l w h i l e it is s tanding. '

Y o u little a rsehole , I t h o u g h t , a n d l o n g e d to boas t tha t I h a d ga l loped m y o w n camels ba r eback d o w n c r e e k - b e d s in m y y o u t h . B u t I d idn ' t k n o w t h e w o r d s .

W h e n e v e r I c a m e b a c k f rom m y forays i n t o t h e deser t I w o u l d f ind tha t t h e camels h a d r eve r t ed t o t he i r o ld habi ts a n d tha t I m i g h t as we l l eat air as h o p e t o have any in f luence ove r m y came l

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m a n . Let's l o o k o n t h e b r i g h t side, I said t o myse l f s ince t he re was n o o n e else t o talk to . You have t h e t w o best camels in India , y o u have t h e assistance o f an e x - m i n i s t e r a n d count less he lpers and hange r s o n , a n d it is against t h e laws o f m a t h e m a t i c a l p robabi l i ty tha t w i t h this m u c h effort y o u wi l l n o t find, s o m e w h e r e , across six states, j u s t t ha t g r o u p . . .

A c o u p l e o f w e e k s later His to ry ' s H e r o visi ted. H e had , after m u c h t h i n k i n g a n d w o r r y i n g o n m y behalf, d iscovered exact ly t h e r i g h t p lace for m e to c e n t r e m y s to ry a n d it j u s t h a p p e n e d to b e his ve ry o w n village, Baabara . K n o w i n g that self-interest lay at t h e b o t t o m o f his p roposa l d id n o t p r e v e n t m y b e i n g grateful .

T h a n k s to an ove rdeve loped sense o f responsibi l i ty towards t h e magazine ' s p h o t o g r a p h i c n e e d s I h a d b e e n ve ry c h o o s y till now. In l oca t i ng a g r o u p o f R a i k a I always t o o k i n t o a c c o u n t such th ings as deser t vistas, p r e t t y j h u m p a s , d rama t i c p h o t o s o f arrivals in P u s h ¬ kar — tha t sor t o f t h i n g . Bha i ron ' s p e o p l e , I k n e w , l ived in b o r i n g , e a t e n - o u t f a rmland , a n d w o u l d take the i r animals a l o n g t h e C h a m ¬ bal R i v e r bes ide factor ies , sewerage out le ts a n d leaky nuc lea r p o w e r s tat ions, a n d o n i n t o t h e daco i t - in fes ted bad lands . N o t exact ly t h e sunset s a n d - d u n e desc r ip t ions w i t h w h i c h I h a d secu red t h e magazine ' s in teres t a n d cash.

T h e n t h e r e was B h a i r o n to cons ider . A l t h o u g h I felt sympa thy , even fondness , for t h e th i rd p o l i c e m a n , o n o u r p r ev ious ad v en tu r e I h a d s o m e t i m e s f o u n d mysel f w a n t i n g t o s t rangle h i m qu ie t ly and b u r y h i m in a d u n e . Na tu ra l l y this feel ing was m u t u a l t h o u g h , f r o m his p o i n t o f view, s h e p h e r d i n g m e was inf ini te ly preferable to b e i n g bu l l i ed b y his super io r s i n J o d h p u r , especially if h e c o u l d c o n v i n c e m e to focus m y research at his vil lage t h e r e b y p r o v i d i n g h imse l f w i t h a pa id ho l iday a n d his family a n d fr iends w i t h w h o k n e w w h a t perquis i tes . W h i l e I u n d e r s t o o d h o w m u c h this ers t ­w h i l e n o m a d l o a t h e d b e i n g a cop , h o w h e l o n g e d for r e t i r e m e n t as a m a r o o n e d m a n longs for a ship, t h e t h o u g h t o f s p e n d i n g a yea r w i t h h i m h o v e r i n g over m e a n d a n s w e r i n g m y que r i e s w i t h w i ld ly i n c o r r e c t i n f o r m a t i o n was n o t c o m p e l l i n g . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d t i m e was r u n n i n g o u t .

B h a i r o n was g o i n g t o i n t r o d u c e m e to o n e o f t h e m o s t p o w e r ­ful n u m b e r d a r s in t h e w h o l e o f Ra j a s than — a m a n so clever tha t even local pol i t ic ians c o u r t e d h i m . T h e n u m b e r d a r w o u l d ,

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B h a i r o n assured m e , b e d e l i g h t e d to take m e w i t h his d a n g b u t the re was a h i t c h . T h e bad lands a long t h e C h a m b a l R i v e r w e r e c rawl ing w i t h band i t s a n d there fore a pis tol , a rifle a n d himself, B h a i r o n , w o u l d b e essential baggage .

'Sure ly y o u ' r e exagge ra t ing t h e danger, ' I said. ' I f y o u r p e o p l e d o n ' t take rifles o n t h e d a n g , w h y o n ea r th s h o u l d I? ' H e g o t tha t flat l o o k a r o u n d t h e ears again. ' T h e y d o take rifles if t h e y can ge t t h e m . In any case e v e r y o n e , m e n , w o m e n a n d ch i ld ren , is a r m e d w i t h la th i a n d s tone slings. Last yea r t h e dacoi ts k i d ­n a p p e d a m a n a n d b r o k e b o t h his legs because his family c o u l d n o t afford t h e r a n s o m . W e R a i k a are t r y i n g t o c o n v i n c e g o v e r n ­m e n t t o set u p a r m e d posts a l ong t h e m i g r a t i o n r o u t e t o p ro t ec t us . A p a r t f rom steal ing o u r an imals , t h e dacoi ts of ten cap tu re w o m e n for t he i r p leasure a n d y o u w o u l d b r i n g i n a b ig pr ice . ' S o m e w h e r e in t h e small res idue o f m y r o m a n t i c i s m I h a d b e e n h a r b o u r i n g t h e de lus ion tha t t h e dacoi ts w e r e R o b i n H o o d types w i t h at t ract ive m o u s t a c h e s a n d i n c i p i e n t socialist t e n d e n c i e s , w h o m i g h t , i f e n c o u n t e r e d , b e in te res t ing t o cha t t o a n d w h o w o u l d at t h e ve ry least p r o v i d e g o o d b o o k fodder . B h a i r o n was se t t ing m e straight . I f t he i r chival ry h a d ever b e e n real (a p e r c e p t i o n w h i c h d e p e n d e d u p o n w h e t h e r t h e y c u t y o u r feet off o r shared t he i r b o o t y w i t h y o u r vil lage), it was n o longer . T h e s e days t h e y w e r e m o r e l ikely to b e a r m - b r e a k e r s f rom t h e B o m b a y mafia. A b o u t as p leasant t o c o m e across as a nest o f v ipers . T h a t t h e R a i k a w e r e wi l l i ng to r isk t he i r lives p u s h i n g the i r flocks a l o n g this n e w r o u t e i n d i c a t e d t he i r level o f de spe ra t i on a n d t h e d a r i n g tha t has a l lowed t h e m to survive since t i m e i m m e m o r i a l .

I h a d already m e t , c landes t ine ly , a re t i red leader o f t h e dacoi ts b u t even he , b e i n g o f t h e o ld s choo l (mous t ache , i n c i p i e n t socialist t endenc ie s ) , c o u l d n o t g u a r a n t e e o u r safe passage. Bes ides n o t fancy ing t h e idea o f h a v i n g bits o f m e b r o k e n , I w o r r i e d tha t m y p r e s e n c e o n t h e d a n g w o u l d p lace m y hos ts i n g rea te r j e o p a r d y . W h i c h i n t u r n m a d e m e c u r i o u s as t o w h y t h e n u m b e r d a r was so anx ious to have m e a long .

N e v e r m i n d t h e h i t ches . A n e w p lan was t ak ing shape . I w o u l d h u r r y to Baabara t o ca tch an i n t e r v i e w w i t h t h e n u m b e r d a r before h e r e t u r n e d t o t h e dang . F r o m t h e r e I w o u l d m e e t u p w i t h

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Di l ip in J a i p u r a n d h e a d o n o u t t o t h e dang , a h u n d r e d o r so miles away, to p h o t o g r a p h t h e shea r ing . I t h a n k e d His to ry ' s H e r o , r a n g Di l ip , h i r e d R a j u as i n t e r p r e t e r a n d a r r a n g e d to g o to Baabara t h e fo l lowing w e e k .

6

O n t h e w a y to Baabara , B h a i r o n t o o k us t o a vil lage w h e r e s o m e o f t h e Ra ika ' s genealogis ts , t h e R a o s , l ived. T h e formal i t ies o f i n t r o d u c t i o n c o m p l e t e d , t h e R a o was ready to talk.

'So , M a d a m , w h a t is y o u r business he re? ' 'I w o u l d like to k n o w a b o u t t h e R a b a r i . ' 'I k n o w n o t h i n g a b o u t t h e R a b a r i . T h e R a b a r i o f G o r w a r a n d

Gujara t have t he i r o w n genealogis ts . I a m R a o for t h e R a i k a . ' 'I see. Wel l , t h e n , I w o u l d l ike to k n o w a b o u t t h e Ra ika . ' ' W e , t h e R a o s , k n o w m a n y th ings a b o u t t h e R a i k a w h i c h are

secret a n d w e wi l l n o t tell y o u . B u t t h e r e are o t h e r th ings I can exp la in to y o u if y o u wil l c o m e w i t h m e . B u t first y o u m u s t t ake tea.'

W e d r a n k t h e inevi tab le tea , s u r r o u n d e d b y a sea o f smiles so freely g iven , so s w e e t e n e d w i t h c h a r m a n d r e f i nemen t , so c h a r g e d w i t h express ion as t o m a k e s p e e c h a lmos t r e d u n d a n t . It is difficult, w h e n y o u first e n c o u n t e r these smiles, n o t t o be l ieve tha t t h e i r o w n e r s are n o t a h i g h e r f o r m o f h u m a n i t y . O f all t h e smiles i n t h e r o o m tha t o f t h e R a o was t h e m o s t n u m i n o u s .

W e w e r e t a k e n t o a r o o m in a n o t h e r b u i l d i n g w h i c h s o o n e n o u g h was p a c k e d to t h e rafters w i t h p e o p l e . T h e R a o o p e n e d an u n t i d y b o o k filled w i t h beaut i ful ly crafted H i n d i .

' W h e n t h e first R a i k a s w e r e c rea ted in this w o r l d , so was m y family to r e c o rd t he i r h i s to ry . T h e y are called R a i k a because t h e n a m e o f t h e first Ra ika ' s wife was R a i . S h e was a fairy. T h i s m a n a n d w o m a n h a d o n e s o n a n d twe lve daugh te r s . T h e d a u g h t e r s w e r e m a r r i e d t o R a j p u t s a n d f rom t h e m e m e r g e d t h e th i r ty - s ix official sub-castes o f t h e R a i k a s . [In fact t h e r e w e r e h u n d r e d s . N o o n e k n e w h o w m a n y because a n e w sub-cas te m i g h t b e f o r m e d

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each t i m e a son m o v e d away w i t h his family to sett le s o m e w h e r e n e w ] E a c h day I fill m y b o o k w i t h n e w i n f o r m a t i o n . I t is m y j o b , as it was m y father's a n d grandfather 's . '

E v e r y five o r six years R a o j i a n d his fa ther travelled all over Ind ia t o r e c o rd t h e b i r ths , dea ths a n d mar r i ages o f the i r R a i k a cl ients . (Each sub-cas te h a d a separate b o o k w e i g h i n g a p p r o x i ­m a t e l y t h i r t y kilos.) As p a y m e n t t h e R a i k a gave gifts o f animals , c lo thes a n d m o n e y . R a o j i said tha t t h e R a i k a called themselves R a b a r i o u t o f b a d habi t . T h e y w e r e R a i k a o r Devassi . T h e caste was split i n t o t h r ee m a i n b r a n c h e s : t h e R a b a r i o f G o r w a r , t h e Devassi o r R a i k a and , la ter i n h i s to ry (or fu r the r u p t h e t r u n k ) , t h e R a b a r i o f K u t c h .

I k n e w tha t m a n y o l d e r R a i k a s still re fer red to themselves as R a b a r i a n d t h e R a b a r i o f o t h e r states m i g h t use e i t he r n a m e , t h o u g h R a b a r i was m o r e c o m m o n t h e fu r ther f rom Ra ja s than t h e caste h a d spread (and t h e l o n g e r its separa t ion f rom its o r i g i n in Ja isa lmer) . B u t I h a d o n l y r ecen t ly b e e n able t o d e t e r m i n e w h y . T h e r e was an a t t e m p t b y t h e m o r e pol i t ical ly as tu te n u m b e r d a r s i n R a j a s t h a n t o federate t h e w h o l e caste u n d e r t h e n a m e R a i k a , i n t h e h o p e o f establ ishing e n o u g h p o w e r to l o b b y g o v e r n m e n t s . T h e t e r m R a b a r i , t h e y felt, was less g l a m o r o u s t h a n R a i k a , even derisive. A c c o r d i n g to folklore t h e w o r d R a b a r i ca r r i ed c o n n o t a ­t ions o f an i n n o c e n t b l o c k h e a d , w h e r e a s R a i k a , as C h u t r a h a d so of ten p o i n t e d ou t , was an h o n o r i f i c t o b e p r o u d o f — hero ic . It was t r u e tha t R a b a r i s h a d n e v e r a t t e m p t e d t o c l i m b w i t h i n t h e H i n d u h ie ra rchy b u t t he r e was n o d o u b t tha t t hey w e r e p r o u d o f the i r c o n n e c t i o n w i t h t h e h igh -cas t e R a j p u t s . T h o u g h I was n e v e r able t o find o u t exact ly h o w m a n y R a i k a / R a b a r i t h e r e we re , t h e g e n ­eral consensus was tha t t h e r e w e r e a b o u t ha l f a mi l l i on spread t h r o u g h o u t India . N o t a b a d p o w e r base i f it c o u l d b e uni f ied .

' D o y o u k n o w h o w camels first c a m e to Ind ia? ' ' N o , R a o j i . Please tell me . ' ' Pabu j i p r o t e c t e d t h e h o n o u r o f catt le a n d w o m e n . H e h a d a

n i e c e w h o was to b e m a r r i e d . She w a n t e d s o m e camels as a w e d ­d i n g p resen t b u t t h e r e w e r e n o n e in India . So h e j o u r n e y e d t o Sri Lanka , t h e h o m e o f camels at t ha t t ime , disguised as a h e r m i t . H e stole s o m e animals f rom R a v a n a a n d was chased i n t o t h e sea. B u t h e s t rew t h e w a t e r w i t h p e a c o c k feathers a n d t h e camels crossed

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over t h e m like a b r i d g e . M e a n w h i l e t h e niece 's n e w relatives w e r e teas ing her , saying, " O h , ah. B e t t e r p u t away o u r spindles o r they ' l l b e k n o c k e d over b y all t hose camels w h o are c o m i n g . " ' I asked t h e R a o w h e t h e r , as S i n d h was i n Pakis tan , a n d as t h e w o r d m e a n s sea o r over t h e sea, t h e s to ry i nd i ca t ed tha t t h e camels really c a m e f rom t h e n o r t h . N o t at all, h e assured m e , t h e s to ry h e to ld was literally t r u e .

W e h a d b e e n in t h e r o o m for an h o u r . R a j u h a d b e e n valiantly t r y ing t o translate w h a t was said w i t h l i m i t e d success. It was t i m e to go . I leant across t o h e r a n d asked w h e t h e r I s h o u l d pay t h e R a o direct ly a n d if so h o w m u c h . S h e said p a y m e n t was n o t necessary b u t p e r h a p s a gift o f t w e n t y - o n e r u p e e s w o u l d b e a n i ce gesture . I d e c i d e d o n f i f ty-one. ( T h e ext ra o n e r u p e e is for l u c k a n d p r o b a b l y der ives f rom t h e a n c i e n t craft o f n u m e r o l o g y . ) T h e R a o ' s smile t o o k o n a pecu l i a r twis t w h i c h I c o u l d n o t read.

So far, if I s tayed w i t h a c o m m u n i t y , m y po l i cy h a d b e e n tha t any p a y m e n t o r gifts s h o u l d g o to t h e w h o l e c o m m u n i t y o r t o t h e h e a d o f a family w h o h a d l o o k e d after m e o r t o t h e ch i ld ren . I gave t h e m o n e y o p e n l y for all t o see. If I r ece ived specialist i n f o r m a ­t i o n t h e n I e n d e a v o u r e d to pay for tha t w i t h i n a f r a m e w o r k o f acceptabi l i ty , always v e e r i n g towards t h e t o p o f t h e r a n g e b e c a u s e I k n e w this was e x p e c t e d o f a E u r o p e a n . It was e x t r e m e l y difficult for m e t o j u d g e this because w i t h o u t l a n g u a g e I of ten c o u l d n o t w o r k o u t w h o w e r e t h e p r inc ipa l leaders w i t h i n a k i n g r o u p o r i n d e e d w h i c h o f t h e i n f o r m a n t s was t h e i m p o r t a n t o n e . W h e n R a j u was w i t h m e I re l ied o n h e r d i p l o m a c y w h i c h was impeccab l e .

W e w e n t t o t h e car a n d w a i t e d for B h a i r o n w h o was invo lved in an in tense conve r sa t i on w i t h t h e R a o . Even tua l ly B h a i r o n c a m e t o m y w i n d o w a n d w h i s p e r e d w i t h e m b a r r a s s m e n t , ' H e w a n t s t w o h u n d r e d rupees . ' N o o n e said a w o r d . I h a n d e d over t h e m o n e y . Q u i b b l i n g a b o u t it w o u l d m e a n a loss o f face for B h a i r o n a n d a d d e d i r r i t a t ion for m e . R a o ji 's evolved a n d g e n e r o u s smi le r e t u r n e d and h e b o w e d to us d e e p l y as w e left.

Koju 's m o r a l o u t r a g e expressed itself i n a c l e n c h i n g j a w a n d a w h i t e - k n u c k l e g r i p o n t h e w h e e l b u t t h e r e was o n e salutary effect o f t h e e x c h a n g e : B h a i r o n k e p t qu i e t for at least fifteen m i n u t e s .

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W e a r r ived i n Baabara a n d w e n t s t raight t o seven- foo t Giga's h o u s e . It is a c u r i o u s t h i n g tha t w h e n o n e c a n n o t c o m m u n i c a t e t h r o u g h l a n g u a g e o n e relies u p o n less d o m i n a n t , pe rhaps p r e -l ingual capaci t ies for j u d g i n g p e o p l e . It m a y b e s o m e c h e m i c a l e x c h a n g e w h i c h scientists have y e t t o discover tha t e n c o u r a g e s ins tant r a p p o r t , o r p e r h a p s in this case it h a d to d o w i t h g o l d necklaces . W h a t e v e r t h e reasons, G iga a n d I m e t each o t h e r l ike l o n g - p a r t e d family. I l iked h i m for his size, his l augh , his g e n t l e ­ness, his se l f -conf idence . B u t m o s t o f all I l iked t h e way h e was w i t h his wife . W h e n I first m e t h e r she h a d b e e n h u r l i n g abuse at h e r d a u g h t e r s - i n - l a w w h o t o o k n o n o t i c e wha t soeve r . T h e n , o n see ing m e , she t r a n s f o r m e d f rom W i t c h o f t h e Wes t t o W e n d y . She g r a b b e d m e w i t h h e r r o u g h hands , l ed m e t h r o u g h h e r h o u s e t o a d m i r e h e r beaut i ful th ings - shelves o f brass po t s , j e w e l l e r y l o c k e d in boxes , a c a m e l d e c o r a t i o n m a d e o f goa t ha i r a n d c o w r i e shells - a n d all t h e w h i l e G iga g r i n n e d at her , a d m i r e d her , liked her . O u r s t ock t ak ing over, she lit u p a b i r i w h i c h she i nha l ed t h r o u g h o n e nos t r i l . I asked w h y she s h o u l d b e t h e on ly w o m a n t o s m o k e .

'Because she's a badmaash , ' Giga said, l augh ing . La ter K o j u t o ld m e it was because she h a d lost b o t h h e r sons d u r i n g m i g r a t i o n s . ' So w h o wi l l cr i t ic ize h e r for en joy ing h e r c igare t te? ' F r o m t h e n o n I d e c i d e d tha t w h e n e v e r I s m o k e d , I w o u l d say tha t I h a d lost t w o sons.

Giga c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d m y desire t o m i g r a t e w i t h t h e m . ' W h y d o y o u w a n t t o d o this t h i n g a n d r isk yourse l f? Y o u wil l e n d u p l o o k i n g l ike us. ' H e r i p p e d off his t u r b a n a n d t u g g e d at p r e m a t u r e l y g rey hair. H e t h e n i n f o r m e d m e tha t h e w o u l d n o t b e g o i n g o n m i g r a t i o n this yea r b u t , if I w a i t e d un t i l n e x t year , h e w o u l d c o m e w i t h m e as b o d y g u a r d a n d so w o u l d his wife . B h a i ­r o n sent dagge red l o o k s a n d hus t l ed us a long t o t h e n u m b e r d a r ' s h o u s e .

B h o p a l j i was as t h i n a n d w h i t e - h a i r e d as a g r a n n i e b u t his in te l l igence rad ia ted l ike b o d y hea t . W e all sat i n t h e c o u r t y a r d at t h e front o f his w h i t e s tone h o u s e . I asked h i m h o w t h e mig ra t i o n s w e r e o rgan ized .

T w o n u m b e r d a r s o n l y w o u l d m e e t in Ko ta , a t o w n a b o u t a h u n d r e d miles away, t o d e c i d e w h e r e all t h e t h o u s a n d s o f flocks

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f rom this sec t ion o f R a j a s t h a n w o u l d go . Scouts w o u l d b e sent o u t t o r e c o n n o i t r e g raz ing l and a n d to set u p deals w i t h va r ious vil lage pancha i t s (councils) for g r az ing r ights . O n c e o n e g r o u p h a d a p ­p r o a c h e d a p a n c h a i t a n o t h e r c o u l d n o t d o so. In a ve ry sho r t t i m e this i n f o r m a t i o n w o u l d spread b y w o r d o f m o u t h un t i l every pas¬ toralist w o u l d k n o w his o w n r o u t e a n d t h e w h e r e a b o u t s o f eve ry o t h e r dang . It is a lmos t imposs ib le t o c o m p r e h e n d h o w this feat can b e ca r r i ed o u t so efficiently, w i t h o u t mis takes o r quarre ls , w i t h o u t t e l e p h o n e s , j e e p s o r le t ters . O n l y la ter d id I c o m e t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e efficacy o f t h e lakr i o tar, t h e wa lk ing - s t i ck t e l eg raph .

T h e n u m b e r d a r s w o u l d b u y a k i n d o f e n t r y visa f rom t h e M a d h y a P radesh g o v e r n m e n t a n d b y this m e t h o d t h e f lock was r egu la t ed a n d con t ro l l ed , t h e n u m b e r s k n o w n . A t least t h e o r e t i c a l ­ly. B u t , as t h e n u m b e r d a r said, e v e r y o n e c o n s i d e r e d this p a y m e n t a n un jus t b l e e d i n g o f p r eca r ious i n c o m e a n d l ied a b o u t t h e size o f t he i r h e r d . I was b e g i n n i n g to u n d e r s t a n d tha t f rom his p o i n t o f v i e w it c o u l d b e q u i t e useful t o have s o m e o n e l ike m e a long . I h a d c o n n e c t i o n s a n d m i g h t b e able t o grease the i r w a y t h r o u g h t igh t places .

O n e o f the i r m a j o r c o n c e r n s was t h e s l u m p i n w o o l p r ices . W i t h t h e t roubles in Russ i a a n d C h i n a m u c h o f t h e w o o l t rade h a d c losed d o w n . Syn the t i cs w e r e t ak ing t h e p lace o f w o o l . M e a t was sold to Arab ia b u t t he r e w e r e p r o b l e m s . ' T h e s e days,' said a gna r l ed anc ien t , w h o s e w h i t e b e a r d was rol led i n t o t w o sausages a n d t u c k e d b e h i n d his ears, a n d w h o s e feet a t tes ted t o m a n y years p l o d d i n g t h r o u g h t h e wi lde rness , ' e v e r y t h i n g d e p e n d s u p o n marke t ing . '

S o m e t i m e in N o v e m b e r all t h e p e o p l e w h o h a d d e c i d e d t o m i g r a t e f rom this vil lage - w o m e n a n d ch i ld ren i n c l u d e d - a n d all t h e sheep h e l d close by, w o u l d set o u t for K o t a w h e r e t h e y w o u l d j o i n u p w i t h t h e larger flocks. It was ag reed tha t I w o u l d g o w i t h t h e m u n d e r t h e aegis o f B h o p a l j i w h o i m m e d i a t e l y u n d e r s t o o d p h o t o g r a p h i c r e q u i r e m e n t s . Yes, w e w o u l d pass t h r o u g h deser ty areas. Yes, t h e p h o t o g r a p h e r a n d myse l f w o u l d b e w e l c o m e to c o m e to P u s h k a r w i t h his p e o p l e j u s t be fore t hey left o n m i g r a t i o n .

' O n e m o r e t h i n g , B h o p a l j i . W h e n I a m w r i t i n g u p m y n o t e s

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pe rhaps I c o u l d r en t a j h u m p a ? ' I h a d fantasized a b o u t se t t ing u p m y t y p e w r i t e r in o n e o f these li t t le r o u n d houses , so s imple a n d pleasing, l ike a c u b b y - h o u s e f rom c h i l d h o o d , b u t t h e n u m b e r d a r snuffed o u t m y sen t imen ta l i t y i m m e d i a t e l y .

'You w a n t t o live in a j h u m p a ? W h y ? T h e y wash away in t h e f loods a n d have to b e rebui l t e ach year . T h e s e s tone houses , ' h e said, p o i n t i n g to his o w n , 'are m o r e expens ive t o bu i ld b u t less cost ly i n t h e l o n g r u n . E v e n t h e R a i k a m u s t c h a n g e w i t h t h e t imes. ' H e sugges ted tha t it w o u l d b e b e t t e r if I w e r e to live at his h o u s e . H e w o u l d t each m e all I n e e d e d to k n o w a n d w o u l d l o o k after m e w h e n it was t i m e t o mig ra t e . I n t h e m e a n t i m e t h e s h e a r i n g was a b o u t t o start a n d h e h a d t o r e t u r n t o t h e d a n g i m m e d i a t e l y , b u t I was t o m e e t h i m t h e r e t o finalize a r r a n g e m e n t s .

I h a d b e e n t h r o u g h t h e a lphabe t o f failed plans . N o w e v e r y ­t h i n g was b e i n g h a n d e d to m e g i f t -wra pp ed . M y responsibi l i t ies t o t h e m a g a z i n e w o u l d b e fulfilled, a n e n d t o anx ie ty .

B u t I h a d m e t s o m e o t h e r p e o p l e involved w i t h these par t i cu la r R a i k a a n d I c o u l d tell t ha t t h e r e w e r e p o w e r s truggles g o i n g o n in w h i c h I c o u l d b e a p a w n . I a d m i r e d t h e n u m b e r d a r i m m e n s e l y . B u t w h i l e I r e spec ted h i m for b e i n g able t o m a n i p u l a t e t h e sys tem t o his people ' s advan tage a n d w i s h e d h i m luck , I d id n o t w a n t tha t m a n i p u l a t i o n to i n c l u d e m e .

I said t o R a j u after t h e m e e t i n g , ' T h e n u m b e r d a r is a ve ry s h r e w d man . '

T o w h i c h she repl ied , ' W h o w o u l d respect a fool? ' I p a r t e d f rom B h a i r o n a n d R a j u , p r o c e e d e d w i t h Ko ju t h r o u g h

g a t h e r i n g ra in a n d p i c k e d u p Di l ip . T h e fo l lowing day w e r e a c h e d t h e C h a m b a l R i v e r w h o s e b a n k s w e r e o c c u p i e d by mi les o f fac­tor ies a n d refineries spil l ing t he i r m u c k i n t o t h e o m i n o u s l y r i s ing wa te r s . ' D e v e l o p m e n t ' i n R a j a s t h a n favours i ndus t ry a n d l a rge -scale ag r i cu l tu re and the re fo re is o f benef i t m a i n l y to p e o p l e in t h e t o p sec t ion o f soc ie ty — industrial ists , t h e n e w m i d d l e class, r i c h l a n d o w n e r s . R u r a l villagers are usually p u s h e d aside o r d o w n i n t o d e e p e r pove r ty . T h r o u g h t h e in ters t ices b e t w e e n t h e n e w w o r l d a n d t h e o ld m o v e t h e n o m a d s , finding ch inks a n d n iches , adap t ing , su rv iv ing , un t i l such t i m e as t h e last pa thways close.

W h e n w e r e a c h e d K o t a w e f o u n d o u t tha t o u r road h a d b e e n c u t off at B a r a n a n d t h e b r i d g e l ead ing t o t h e d a n g was cove red b y

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t e n feet o f wa te r . H a d D i l i p n o t b e e n w i t h m e I w o u l d b e s i t t ing o n t h e banks o f t h e Parbat i still, gaz ing at t h e flood. H e k n e w exact ly w h o m to g o to for he lp , exact ly w h a t t o say to h i m a n d h o w t o say it . T h e S u p e r i n t e n d e n t o f Pol ice , D r B h o p i n d e r S ingh , o rgan i zed a j e e p a n d dr iver for us o n t h e o t h e r side.

O u r t r anspor t was a heavy , w o o d p l a n k U - b o a t , pe r i lous ly l e ak ­i n g a n d fe r r ied by four small g r u n t i n g m e n p u s h i n g t w o oars o n each h i n d flank o f t h e b o a t . A t anke r h a d b e e n swep t over t h e b r i d g e j u s t be fore w e ar r ived . M e n w a v e d f rom t h e t op . A c o w h u r t l e d past, h o r n s s h o w i n g above t h e t o r r e n t . I t m a n a g e d to r each t h e b a n k . A little later a dog , w i t h less luck . O n t h e o t h e r side t h e o a r s m e n leapt o u t i n t o t h e m u d a n d h a u l e d us u p to t h e j e t t y .

W e drove to t h e h i g h e r g r o u n d o n w h i c h t h e flocks w e r e b e i n g he ld . It was typical ove r s tocked sheep c o u n t r y — ea t en t o t h e b o n e , trees b o n s a i e d b y cons t an t n ibb l ing . N e w shoots cove red t h e rocks w i t h a fuzz o f c h e m i c a l g r e e n . R a i n c louds t u m b l e d a r o u n d t h e sky, h e a v y a n d b a d - t e m p e r e d . Lifting a finger m a d e t h e b o d y e r u p t in sweat. T h e r e w e r e small dangs e v e r y w h e r e he r e . A c o u p l e o f m o n t h s after t h e shea r ing t h e y w o u l d m o v e t o a n o t h e r h o l d i n g g r o u n d nea r G u n a , t h e n off t hey w o u l d g o again i n t o t h e m i g r a t i o n .

T h e first l ine o f de fence o n a d a n g is t h e dogs . G i v e n tha t d e a t h b y rabies was m o r e l ikely t h a n d e a t h b y dacoi ts , I s t o o d pe t r i f i ed as t w e n t y m o n g r e l s s tared at m y ankles o r th roa t w i t h t e e t h ba red , slaver flying. As for t h e R a i k a , t h e y all l o o k e d as if t hey ' d w a l k e d t o hel l a n d back . Sk inny , t i red , d i r ty , harassed. A n d ye t , w h e n t hey f o u n d o u t tha t w e w e r e fr iends o f Giga a n d t h e o the r s , t h e f r iendl i ­ness a n d generos i ty c a m e o u t l ike s u n b e h i n d c louds . M o s t o f t h e w o m e n w e r e c a m p e d n e x t t o the i r cha rpo i s , s i t t ing i n t h e sun , h u d d l e d over fires, c o o k i n g for t h e m e n . I was a lmos t at fa in t ing p o i n t w i t h t h e hea t . Yes, t h e y agreed , s m o k e a n d flames l i ck ing at t he i r faces as t hey p u n c h e d the i r d o u g h , it was h o t . D o n ' t w o r r y a b o u t t h e dogs , t hey on ly b i t e at n igh t . H e r e , c o m e sit w i t h us. H a v e tea? Chapa t i ? N o , y o u m u s t n o t he lp us , y o u are o u r guest . I d id w h a t I c o u l d t o help , w h i c h a m u s e d t h e m . A n d pe rhaps a g o o d l augh was t h e bes t c o n t r i b u t i o n after all.

T h e r e was r a the r less a t t e n t i o n pa id to t h e r e f inemen t s o f

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p u r d a h o u t he re , pe rhaps because t h e r e wasn ' t m u c h to b e ga ined b y h a v i n g physically h a m p e r e d w o m e n a r o u n d in a s i tua t ion w h e r e e v e r y o n e has t o p i t c h in , e v e r y o n e m a y have to fight, e v e r y ­o n e is p e r f o r m i n g at t h e v e r y l imi t o f t he i r physical a n d m e n t a l capaci ty .

T h e ch i ld ren w e r e hard ly ch i ld ren , so capable a n d sure o f t h e m ­selves w e r e they . T h e girls w e r e m i n i a t u r e w o m e n w i t h babies a lmos t as b i g as themselves t u c k e d o n a h ip . I h a d a m a g a z i n e w i t h m e , full o f b o r i n g p ic tu res o f b o r i n g pol i t ic ians . T h e y c lus tered a r o u n d a n d d e m a n d e d t o k n o w w h o each o n e was . I m a d e u p s o m e ve ry s t range n a m e s w h i c h sen t t h e m i n t o hyster ics . T h e s e t o u g h lit t le creatures h a d j u s t w a l k e d a t h o u s a n d k i l ome t r e s o r so o n n o t h i n g b u t mi lk , chilli a n d flour. W h y d id t h e y behave l ike live e lect r ical cables? W h y w e r e n ' t t h e y listless?

T h e sheep w e r e all suffering f o o t - r o t after t h e rains. A few shepherds w e r e in jec t ing an t ib io t i c s t ra ight i n t o t h e sheep's hooves b u t it l o o k e d to m e l ike these skeletal w o o l b a g s d id n o t s tand a chance . M a n y h a d b e e n lost t h r o u g h disease o r i n t h e floods o r t o th ieves .

D e s p i t e t h e fact tha t it was imposs ib le t o s leep tha t n i g h t -c o u g h i n g , b lea t ing , gu rg l ing , b a r k i n g , s n o r i n g , sweat ing , s lapping a n o p h e l e s e m o s q u i t o e s — I was , for t h e first t i m e , exc i t ed b y w h a t I was d o i n g . W h a t e v e r t h e d i scomfor t s o f d a n g life, h e r e o n e c o u l d b r e a t h e . H e r e w o u l d b e c o n t i n u i t y , f r iendships . T h e w o m e n w e r e u p before first l ight a n d cal led m e over for tea.

I was assured tha t B h o p a l j i w o u l d b e a r r i v ing tha t day. In t h e m e a n w h i l e t h e r e was s h e a r i n g t o w a t c h . E a c h d a n g h a d h i r e d shearers b e l o n g i n g to a M u s l i m c o m m u n i t y , buss ing t h e m f rom n o r t h e r n R a j a s t h a n d o w n h e r e t o t h e sou th -eas t . T h e r e w e r e a b o u t t w e n t y shearers p e r d a n g , e ach m a n s h e a r i n g fifty t o sixty s h e e p p e r day at a r u p e e p e r sheep .

T h e shearers sat b e h i n d a t h o r n - b u s h w i n d b r e a k a n d c l ipped w i t h h a n d shears, ve ry qu ick ly , n e v e r leaving so m u c h as a scra tch a n d cons tan t ly s h a r p e n i n g the i r tools w i t h a large file. T h e w o o l was w e i g h e d o n a h u g e ba l ance h a n g i n g f rom a b r a n c h , p u t i n t o a pi le , t h e n t ransferred to t h e o n e - h u n d r e d - k i l o g r a m bale ins ide w h i c h a t u r b a n was b o b b i n g u p a n d d o w n — t h e wool -p resse r . Y o u n g girls w e r e s tack ing t h e w o o l o r g o i n g a b o u t l ike h e n s ,

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p i c k i n g u p any lit t le bi ts left h a n g i n g o n sh rubs . A n u m b e r o f sheep w e r e h e l d by o n e s h e p h e r d n e x t t o t h e shearers . W h e n t hey w e r e sheared, t h e y w e r e let o u t t o feed a n d a n o t h e r lo t b r o u g h t in . After all t h e w o o l was sheared f rom all t h e dangs , m e r c h a n t s w o u l d s e n d t rucks to take it t o factor ies i n B i k a n e r for d y e i n g .

I asked w h y t h e R a i k a d idn ' t shear t h e animals themse lves . A s h e p h e r d rep l ied tha t t h e y c o u l d n ' t afford t h e n u m b e r s o f m e n t o d o t h e w o r k ; t h e y w e r e all t o o busy h e r d i n g t h e sheep . A n o t h e r t o ld m e tha t t h e w o r k was g u n d a (ri tually u n c l e a n ) .

' A n d d o n ' t y o u wash t h e sheep before s h e a r i n g t h e m , as I 've seen it d o n e in o t h e r places? ' T h e s h e p h e r d l a u g h e d , p o i n t e d at t h e l o w e r i n g sky and said in Engl i sh , ' A u t o m a t i c '

After l u n c h a y o u n g m a n a r r ived t o say tha t B h o p a l j i was fifty k i l ome t r e s away o n a n o t h e r dang .

'We ' l l d r ive t he re then . ' 'You can ' t d r ive the re . T h e roads are cut. ' ' T h e n h o w d id B h o p a l j i m a n a g e i t? ' T h e b o y smi led at m e as h e m i g h t at a chi ld a n d said, ' H e

walked. '

It was t h e e n d o f A u g u s t . I h a d a b o u t a m o n t h before t h e Baabara d a n g was t o leave. T h e fact tha t I h a d n o t b e e n able t o m a k e c o n t a c t w i t h B h o p a l j i , a n d p r o b a b l y w o u l d n o t b e able t o d o so, m a d e m e a li t t le anx ious . I k n e w h o w readily plans c o u l d slip t h r o u g h y o u r fingers if y o u d idn ' t have a s t r ang leho ld o n t h e m . I w o u l d have t o rely o n B h a i r o n .

N a r e n d r a said, ' I n t h e m e a n w h i l e w h y d o n ' t y o u g o to K u t c h ? I 've h e a r d t h e R a b a r i t h e r e s w i m the i r camels in t h e sea.'

' B u t K u t c h is o n t h e o t h e r side o f t h e wor ld . ' ' O n l y a t h r e e - d a y dr ive f r o m here . ' (I h a d b e e n o n e n o u g h o f

these o n l y - t h r e e - d a y drives t o k n o w tha t y o u r e a c h e d t h e e n d o f t h e m m o r e d e a d t h a n alive.)

' W h a t l anguage d o t h e y speak? ' 'Gujara t i , I s h o u l d t h ink . O r a ve r s ion o f it.' ' T h e n I ' m n o t g o i n g . U n l e s s I can find a t rans la tor a n d that 's

imposs ib le w i t h so li t t le t ime. ' ' N o t ent i re ly . I speak a li t t le Gujarati . ' O n c e , j u s t after I h a d m e t h i m all t hose years ago, w h e n I was

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still ove rawed b y h i m , h e h a d b e e n s h o w i n g m e t h r o u g h his h o u s e a n d h a d p i c k e d up , casually, a solid silver b o x as o ld as his n a m e a n d h a n d e d it t o m e . 'Please accep t this small gift. F o r y o u r bravery. ' T h e n h e h a d t u r n e d a n d g l ided away, l eav ing m e w i t h m y j a w h a n g i n g o p e n . N o w , w i t h exact ly t h e same in souc i ance , a n d w i t h exact ly t h e same effect o n m e , h e d i sappeared ins ide t h e j h u m p a .

P A R T T W O

Migration

7

A squiggle o f s m o k e , a f igure in b i l l o w i n g robes , a c ame l a n d a b e d s i l houe t t ed themselves against t h e h o r i z o n . To t h e east a m o o n s q u e e z e d i n t o t h e sky; b e h i n d m e t h e s u n dissolved in t h e A r a b i a n Sea. T h i s was w h e r e I w a n t e d to b e . T h e s e w e r e t h e p e o p l e I w a n t e d to live w i t h . T h e p rev ious yea r o f d o u b t a n d confus ion lifted off m y b a c k l ike an o u t g r o w n skin.

I t h a d t aken us t h r e e days to r each B h u j , t h e anc i en t capital o f K u t c h , i n n o r t h e r n Gujarat . D r e a m b o a t a n d N a r e n d r a h a d d o n e m o s t o f t h e d r i v i n g w h i c h left m e free to apprec ia te t h e landscape , a l aby r in th o f deser t a n d sea as b a r r e n a n d beaut i fu l as M a r s . T h e ins tan t w e crossed t h e state b o r d e r t h e roads b e c a m e strips o f a e r o d r o m e per fec t ion . G o n e w e r e t h e d e a t h - t r a p p o t h o l e s , g o n e t h e r idges , b u m p s , t w o - f o o t - h i g h shou lders , gravel pa t ches s u d ­d e n l y a p p e a r i n g o n h a i r p i n b e n d s . G o n e t h e ove r loaded t rucks l i t t e r ing t h e sides o f t h e road l ike d e a d c o c k r o a c h e s , t he i r guts spilled, t he i r w h e e l s p o i n t i n g skyward . W h y ? B e c a u s e in Gujara t , un l ike Ra ja s than , t h e m o n e y for roads d id n o t g o direct ly i n t o s o m e o n e ' s p o c k e t . S o m e o f it was actual ly spen t o n b u i l d i n g roads . I n Gujara t o n e c o u l d see w o m e n . U n v e i l e d w o m e n . W o m e n r i d i n g scooters ! A n d y o u c o u l d see forestry p lo ts b y t h e side o f t h e road tha t c o n t a i n e d real t rees, r a t h e r t h a n p h a n t o m trees w h i c h , i n Ra ja s than , on ly exist o n paper . B u t bes t o f all was h a v i n g N a r e n ­dra w i t h m e . N o t on ly c o u l d h e translate l anguages , h e t rans la ted w h a t was b u r i e d b e n e a t h t h e m — t h e gestures , cu l tura l fo rms , shared social signals. Bes ides tha t , h e was t h e least flappable c o m p a n ­i o n I h a d ever travelled w i t h , t h e m o s t pa t i en t , t h e m o s t g e n e r o u s .

I h a d h a d in m y possession o n e hastily sc r ibb led n a m e : D r R a m a K r i s h n a , Ass i s t an t -Di rec to r Gujara t S h e e p a n d W o o l

D e v e l o p m e n t P r o g r a m m e , B h u j . E x p e r i e n c e h a d t a u g h t m e to p lace little h o p e in such n a m e s . B u t o n m e e t i n g this S o u t h I n d i a n a n d t h e s a i n t s - a m o n g - b u r e a u c r a t s w h o w o r k e d for h i m , I k n e w I h a d s t ruck go ld .

D r R a m a K r i s h n a h a d i m m e d i a t e l y b r o u g h t us t o a s h e p h e r d w h o m h e par t icu lar ly l iked, R a n g k a b h a i R a b a r i . It h a d t aken us a day to f ind h i m , c a m p e d o n this w i n d s w e p t little p la in j u s t a mi l e ou t s ide his vil lage. H i s m o t h e r spread h e r best qui l t o n t h e g r o u n d for us a n d b r o u g h t tea.

' I have n o h o m e b u t these camps, ' she said. 'I live u n d e r t h e sky, n o m a t t e r w h e t h e r t he r e is ra in o r sun . T h e vi l lage is n o t o u r h o m e , t h e d a n g is o u r h o m e . T h a t is w h e r e o u r p r o p e r t y is.'

R a n g k a assured m e tha t t h e r e w o u l d b e several dangs leav ing f rom his vil lage a n d se t t ing o u t for Saurashtra . H e w o u l d n o t b e g o i n g this yea r b u t h e w o u l d talk t o his c o m m u n i t y o n m y behalf. H i s m o t h e r sugges ted tha t I w o u l d d o b e t t e r t o r e m a i n h e r e i n K u t c h , w a n d e r i n g t h e local area w i t h her .

R a n g k a ' s wife Jasu l a u g h e d , dazz l ing t h e c o m p a n y w i t h h e r b e a u t y , w h i c h was n o t m e r e l y physical b u t a n e m a n a t i o n o f h e r w h o l e p o t e n t self. 'Yes, stay w i t h us he r e . Y o u ca r ry t h e w a t e r a n d I shall ca r ry t h e flour. B u t b e w a r n e d , if y o u travel w i t h us y o u r skin wi l l b e c o m e as b lack as o u r s . E v e n y o u r ha i r wi l l g o black. ' She t u g g e d at m y b l o n d e s t raw t h e n t o o k m e t o see h e r ' e q u i p ­m e n t ' s tacked nea t ly o n t h e co t . T h i c k l y e m b r o i d e r e d b lankets , a p p l i q u é d flour sacks, a m a r r i a g e s m o c k for a li t t le b r o t h e r w h i c h w o u l d take years t o c o m p l e t e , a b l o u s e s t u d d e d w i t h f ragments o f m i c a i n t o w h i c h she t r i ed , unsuccessfully, t o squeeze m y bu lk . T h i s was t h e finest e m b r o i d e r y I h a d seen a n y w h e r e a n d aeons o f w a n d e r i n g w e r e c o d e d in its pa t t e rn s .

R a n g k a w o u l d n o t b e m i g r a t i n g this yea r because h e was o n his h o n e y m o o n . H e h a d w a i t e d for his wife for over t w e n t y years , t ravel l ing b a c k a n d fo r th t o his i n - l aws ' h o u s e , b e g g i n g t h e m t o send h e r t o h i m . H e a n d Jasu h a d b e e n t o g e t h e r for j u s t fou r m o n t h s , so I can b e forg iven for see ing h i m as a m a n u n d o n e b y love. She h a d cost h i m forty-f ive t h o u s a n d r u p e e s , m o s t o f it i n j ewe l l e ry , b u t b y t h e w a y h e l o o k e d at h e r f rom u n d e r his b r o w s , c h e c k i n g w h e t h e r his w o r d s rece ived h e r approval , i t was clear tha t h e t h o u g h t she was w o r t h tha t a n d m o r e . T h e y w e r e a h a n d -

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s o m e c o u p l e a n d y o u w i s h e d , w h e n y o u saw t h e m toge the r , t ha t t h e feudal tales o f deser t r o m a n c e w e r e t r u e : tha t Jasu a n d h e r h u s b a n d f o u n d d e e p p leasure in each o t h e r o u t t he r e o n t he i r b e d u n d e r t h e stars. B u t it's un l ike ly . F o r o n e t h i n g , t he r e was always s o m e o n e else a r o u n d — his sisters, m o t h e r , v is i t ing ch i ld ren , o t h e r shephe rds . F o r ano the r , t h e r e w e r e n ' t t h e necessary h o u r s t o spare. A n d it was t h e w o m e n a n d ch i ld ren w h o shared Jasu's b e d , n o t R a n g k a .

T w o anc i en t shephe rds c a m e h o b b l i n g in . T h e y w o r k e d for a local l a n d o w n e r for a year ly set o f c lo thes , t he i r t o b a c c o a n d flour, a n d a h u n d r e d a n d seventy r u p e e s p e r m o n t h . W e teased t h e m b y ask ing if t h e y w e r e m a r r i e d , t o w h i c h t h e y l a u g h e d g o o d - n a t u r e d l y a n d confessed tha t t hey w e r e n ' t wea l t hy e n o u g h even t o ge t engaged . I d id f ind myse l f w o n d e r i n g if t h e y en joyed carnal k n o w l e d g e o f the i r ewes b u t I f o u n d o u t la ter tha t t h o u g h t h e p rac t i ce was n o t u n h e a r d of, it was c o n s i d e r e d i m m o r a l a n d p u n i s h e d accord ing ly . Sex was n o t a r i g h t b u t o n e o f life's bonuses . L ike wea l th , y o u w e r e l u c k y if y o u h a d it b u t if y o u d idn ' t , y o u g o t o n w i t h t h e task i n h a n d - surv iv ing .

It was n o t u n c o m m o n , I was to ld , for a w o m a n to b e in h e r m i d th i r t ies be fore h e r pa ren t s finally r e l i nqu i shed h e r t o h e r h u s b a n d , usually at t h e be hes t o f t h e e lders . T h e reason m a y wel l b e e c o ­n o m i c as a d a u g h t e r is a valuable w o r k e r . B u t f rom w h a t I was t o see later o n , t h e de t a in ing o f d a u g h t e r s h a d as m u c h to d o w i t h affection as it d id w i t h f inance . O r , pe rhaps in a c o m m u n i t y l ike this, one ' s abili ty t o w o r k a n d c o n t r i b u t e is inex t r i cab ly b o u n d u p w i t h t h e love a n d respect o n e receives.

D r R a m a K r i s h n a t h o u g h t tha t t h e R a b a r i w o m e n h a d a h a r d t i m e b e i n g k e p t i n the i r pa ren t s ' h o m e s un t i l t h e y w e r e ' o ld ' . B u t I i n t e r p r e t e d t h e p h e n o m e n o n differently. H e r e w e r e w o m e n w h o s e va lue as h u m a n be ings was ref lected in t h e h e a v y b r i d e p r i ce . T h e y o w n e d p r o p e r t y in the i r o w n r i g h t ( receiv ing sheep f rom t h e husband ' s family at m a r r i a g e a n d i n h e r i t i n g t h e m o t h e r ' s j ewe l le ry ) a n d a l t h o u g h t h e y d id n o t sit in pancha i t s o r a t t e n d t h e m e n - o n l y s m o k i n g / y a r n i n g sessions, n o o n e d o u b t e d t h e feroci ty o f deba te b a c k h o m e . T h e y w e r e n o t b u r d e n e d w i t h c h i l d - b e a r i n g d u r i n g the i r t eens . T h e i r w o r k was as va lued as t h e m e n ' s . T h e y c o u l d s h o p a n d d o business in villages a n d t o w n s w i t h o u t b e i n g c h a p e r o n e d a n d w i t h o u t c o v e r i n g the i r faces. I d o n o t m e a n t o say

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t ha t ind iv idua l w o m e n w e r e in any sense capr i c ious r ega rd ing c o m m u n i t y law. O n l y tha t t h e p o w e r b e t w e e n t h e sexes was b a l ­anced , so p r o d u c i n g a c o n f i d e n t sauciness in t h e w o m e n a n d a h u m o r o u s apprec ia t ion in t h e m e n tha t w e r e del ightful t o b e h o l d .

T h e Ra ja s than i R a i k a w o m e n I h a d m e t w e r e freer t h a n f e ­males o f m a n y o t h e r castes b u t , even so, I h a d b e e n s o m e w h a t t aken aback b y those little p e e p - h o l e s t h e y m a d e in t he i r o rn i s a n d t h e way t h e y cove red the i r heads a n d w e n t silent w h e n the i r m e n w e r e p resen t — so un l ike t he i r K u t c h i cous ins . Pe rhaps this was d u e t o t he i r l inks t o t h e h i g h e r caste R a j p u t s , w h o are s u c h s t ick­lers for p u r d a h tha t w o m e n m a y b e l o c k e d u p for t h e i r en t i re lives. It s e e m e d t o m e tha t t h e R a j p u t in f luence h a d o t h e r nega t ive effects o n t h e R a i k a . W h i l e t h e R a b a r i o f K u t c h w e r e pa t r i c i an in t he i r d e m e a n o u r — t h e servants o f n o o n e — t h e Ra j a s than i R a i k a boas t ed o f b e i n g servants t o k ings a n d w e r e q u i c k t o dissociate themse lves f rom R a b a r i w h o w e r e n o t .

T h e s e w e r e t h e first p e o p l e w h o h a d w h o l e h e a r t e d l y s u p p o r t e d t h e idea o f m y travel l ing w i t h t h e m . W h e n w e rose t o b i d farewell , t h e m o o d was o n e o f e x c i t e m e n t , p leasure , satisfaction. N a r e n d r a t o o k o u t t w o h u n d r e d a n d o n e r u p e e s a n d gave t h e m , w i t h a ce r ta in flourish, t o t h e y o u n g e s t ch i ld w h o a c c e p t e d t h e m o n e y w i t h equa l grac iousness .

' H o w d o y o u d o i t? ' I said as w e g o t i n t o t h e car. 'Please, tell m e t h e rules. '

' T h e r e are n o rules . It was a h a p p y m e e t i n g . T h e m o n e y was a w a y o f a c k n o w l e d g i n g tha t . It is o n l y d o n e o n c e a n d t h e n o n l y if t h e feel ing is g o o d . I gave it because t h e y impressed m e , b e c a u s e w e l iked each o the r . Y o u d o n ' t have t o feel n e r v o u s o f d o i n g t h e r i g h t t h i n g . Jus t d o as y o u feel. B e s p o n t a n e o u s . W h a t t h e y respec t is genuineness . '

W e drove t o Anja r or, as it is o t h e r w i s e k n o w n , t h e Paris o f K u t c h . ( T h e r e was a C o p e n h a g e n o f K u t c h , a Ja isa lmer o f K u t c h , even a Venice o f Ku tch . ) It d id n o t l o o k at all l ike Paris b u t l ike a dus ty li t t le med ieva l t o w n w i t h a P o r t u g u e s e in f luence i n t h e a rch i t ec tu re . K u t c h is m o r e o r less c u t off from t h e rest o f t h e c o u n t r y d u r i n g t h e m o n s o o n a n d Ku tch i s t e n d t o b e faced, psychologica l ly , t o t h e sea. T h e t h r i v i n g po r t s , t h e h u g e ships w i t h fore ign n a m e s , give t h e p e o p l e an o u t w a r d - l o o k i n g character ,

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a c o s m o p o l i t a n i s m tha t is n o t shared b y the i r l a n d - l o c k e d n e i g h ­b o u r s . T h e r e was r o o m to b r e a t h e he re . I d id n o t ge t s tared at qu i t e so m u c h . T h e p o p u l a t i o n was t h i n n e r t o o because K u t c h lacked w a t e r a n d w i t h o u t it p e o p l e c a n n o t live.

N a r e n d r a p r o v i d e d e v e r y o n e a r o u n d us w i t h a glass o f tea ( c o b ­blers , c l o t h m e r c h a n t s , beggars , shephe rds et cetera) a n d w e sat o n w o o d e n p lanks ou t s ide a t iny s h o p m a d e o f b e a t e n t in a n d ca rd ­b o a r d - Anjar 's ve r s ion o f café socie ty - t o w a t c h street life. It was t h e w e d d i n g season a n d t h e streets w e r e p a c k e d o r ra ther , I s h o u l d say, ga r l anded w i t h R a b a r i g r o o m s , r a n g i n g in age f rom t w o to t w e n t y . T h e o ld m a n s lu rp ing n e x t t o m e g r u m b l e d tha t h e was fed u p w i t h t h e w e d d i n g season because t h e y o u n g shepherds w e r e s h o w i n g off t he i r f inery ins tead o f h e l p i n g h i m w i t h t h e sheep . H e g r u m b l e d b u t h e w a t c h e d m e w a t c h i n g t h e y o u n g m e n a n d smi led w i t h satisfaction.

B e a u t y is a p o o r s tandard by w h i c h to j u d g e h u m a n be ings b u t h o w c o u l d p e o p l e w h o l o o k e d l ike tha t n o t b e beaut i fu l ins ide as well? W h a t flair! W h a t sense o f c o l o u r a n d design! W h a t m a g n a n i ­m o u s display o f self for t h e de l igh t o f o the r s ! First, t h e tu rbans . P u r p l e red go ld b lack silk, t i ed so tha t t h e y h a d a slightly t r i a n g u ­lar shape l e n d i n g t h e faces b e n e a t h a P h a r a o n i c cast. N e x t , a l o n g -sleeved s m o c k m a d e o f t h i ck w h i t e c o t t o n dril l , e m b r o i d e r e d in m i n u t e st i tches o f every c o l o u r — pu rp l e s a n d reds d o m i n a t i n g — e d g e d in go ld o r silver, t igh t f i t t ing un t i l g a t h e r e d b e n e a t h t h e breast t o flare at n a r r o w hips; t h e sleeves p u s h e d u p i n t o w r i n k l e s at t h e wr i s t . B e n e a t h t h e smocks , w h i t e l a w n dho t i s , o n e o f t h e oldes t fo rms o f dress i n t h e w o r l d , w e r e t u c k e d i n t o p i n k - , r e d - a n d b l ack - s t r i ped n y l o n socks w h i c h d isappeared i n t o h i g h - h e e l e d l ea the r clogs d e c o r a t e d w i t h brass s tuds, t h e toes cu r l ing b a c k ­wards i n t o S indbad po in t s . T h e y h u n g a r o u n d t o g e t h e r i n g ro u p s l ike ado lescen t boys a n y w h e r e , shy a n d g igg l ing o n e m i n u t e , swag­g e r i n g t h e n e x t . A n d , i n a m o n g t h e r io t o f mascu l ine co lour , g r o u p s o f w o m e n in b lack w o o l a n d silver, b lack o rn i s swel l ing o u t l ike j ib-sai ls , s t rode past w h i t e w a s h e d walls.

H e r e , R a b a r i mar r i ages all o c c u r r e d o n t h e same day, t h e s e c o n d o f S e p t e m b e r . Usual ly , auspic ious t imes for H i n d u w e d ­dings are ascer ta ined b y B r a h m i n priests w h o are pa id to consu l t t h e stars. B u t t h e s e c o n d o f S e p t e m b e r is Kr ishna ' s b i r thday , so

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h o w c o u l d it n o t b e auspicious? T h i s b e n d i n g o f t h e rules was typical o f R a b a r i thrif t a n d g o o d sense.

D r R a m a K r i s h n a a n d t h e o the r s h e l d n o i l lusions a b o u t t h e i n n o c e n c e o f t h e n o m a d s b u t t h e y felt d e e p a d m i r a t i o n for t h e m a n d w o r k e d unceas ing ly o n t he i r behalf. B u i l d i n g u p t rus t w i t h the i r cl ients a n d at t h e same t i m e c h a l l e n g i n g ce r t a in t rad i t ions w h i c h w e r e n o l o n g e r useful t o t h e m (for e x a m p l e , c o n v i n c i n g t h e m tha t t h e goddess w o u l d n o t p u n i s h t h e m if t h e y gave t he i r sheep m e d i c i n e for p o x infect ions) w e r e n o easy tasks. T h a t t h e y h a d successes in b o t h was a t r i b u t e t o t he i r c o m m i t m e n t a n d vis ion .

' I f t h e y can r o o k y o u o f fifty r u p e e s they ' l l feel h a p p i e r w i t h tha t t h a n if y o u pa id t h e m a h u n d r e d . B u t y o u can ' t b l a m e t h e m . T h e y b e h a v e t o o the r s as o t h e r s behave t o t h e m . E v e r y o n e tr ies t o exp lo i t t hem. '

A f ie ldworker , M a m u bha i , a R a b a r i himself, l a u g h e d a n d a d d e d , ' T h e r e is a Gujara t i saying a b o u t us . W e wil l ask y o u p o ­li tely t o lift y o u r foo t so w e can p i c k u p a s tone . T h e n we ' l l h i t y o u w i t h it.'

T h e D o c t o r h a d t r i ed to p r o t e c t his cl ients f rom exp lo i t a t i on b y t h e m e r c h a n t s b y a d d i n g s o m e c o m p e t i t i o n t o t h e m a r k e t a n d t h e r e b y stabil izing t h e pr ices . B u t t h e R a b a r i still p re fe r red t h e m o r e t rad i t iona l re la t ionsh ip w i t h t h e banias (merchan t s ) , even t h o u g h t h e y w e r e forever b e i n g r i p p e d off b y t h e m .

A m e r c h a n t w o u l d fix a p r i c e w i t h a m u k k i ( the K u t c h i w o r d for n u m b e r d a r ) for t h e w o o l o f all t h e sheep u n d e r his j u r i s d i c t i o n a n d t h e ban ia w o u l d pay for t h e shearers . B u t because t h e w o o l was b o u g h t p e r sheep n o t p e r ki lo , t h e m e r c h a n t w o u l d wa i t an ex t ra m o n t h before s h e a r i n g so h e w o u l d ge t seven m o n t h s ' g r o w t h for t h e p r i c e o f six. In tha t ex t ra m o n t h t h e p o o r m u k k i w o u l d b e forever v is i t ing t h e m e r c h a n t t o p lead , t hus a d d i n g to his expenses . O n t o p o f tha t t h e ban ia w o u l d n o t pay s traight away b u t w o u l d wai t , s o m e t i m e s m o n t h s , un t i l t h e m a r k e t p r i c e h a d fallen. T h u s w e r e t h e R a b a r i b e i n g ' f leeced ' . H o w e v e r t h e banias of ten ac ted as f inancial backers for m i g r a t i n g shephe rds . If a n y ­t h i n g w e n t w r o n g in a dis tant state — fights o r arrests - t h e m u k k i w o u l d send a message t o t h e ban ia w h o w o u l d c o m e t o sor t it o u t . T h e m o n e y f rom t h e w o o l was n o t e n o u g h to k e e p t h e c o m m u -

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n i ty g o i n g if t he r e was an e m e r g e n c y ( i n c o m e f rom w o o l has fallen o n e h u n d r e d p e r c e n t i n t h e last four years . It is coarse w o o l for carpe ts because t h e sheep w h i c h p r o d u c e t h e f iner g a r m e n t w o o l can ' t survive t h e r i g o u r s o f m i g r a t i o n ) , b u t t h e y c o u l d b o r r o w f rom t h e m e r c h a n t w h o s e sure ty was t h e sheep .

Pe rhaps t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t r eason for c o n t i n u i n g to deal w i t h m e r c h a n t s r a the r t h a n g o v e r n m e n t agencies is tha t t h e f o r m e r d o n o t r equ i r e b a n k s o r d o c u m e n t s — a b ig incen t ive to p e o p l e w h o resist any k i n d o f r egu la t ion a n d w h o , if ever t h e y have surp lus cash, qu ick ly b u y go ld a n d b u r y it.

T h e n e x t day w e w e r e t a k e n t o visit a R a b a r i c a m e l h e r d o u t i n t hose w i l d a n d lovely b u t d e n u d e d hills. M a m u b h a i said, i n r e ­sponse t o m y q u e r y , ' T h e r e are t w o animals for every p e r s o n i n K u t c h a n d t h e l and j u s t can ' t s u p p o r t t h e n u m b e r s . W e t r i ed t o con t r ac t o u t a l ives tock-cu l l ing p r o g r a m m e w h i c h t h e R a b a r i w e r e in favour of, b u t t h e Jains are v e r y r i c h a n d power fu l he r e . Ki l l ing animals is against the i r r e l ig ion so, u n d e r pol i t ical pressure , w e h a d t o cance l t h e p r o g r a m m e . D u r i n g t h e b a d seasons t h e n u m b e r s d o fall off b u t as s o o n as a g o o d ra in c o m e s , t h e c o u n t shoo t s w a y u p again so t h e c o u n t r y is n e v e r rested. '

T h e o w n e r o f this pa r t i cu la r h e r d o f camels was relatively wea l thy . T h i s m e a n t tha t h e w o u l d n o t take t h e m o n m i g r a t i o n h imse l f b u t , h a v i n g r e c o n n o i t r e d an area ah ea d b y bus , h a d h a n d e d t h e animals over t o m e m b e r s o f a M u s l i m caste, t h e Ju t s , t o w h o m h e pa id six r u p e e s p e r c a m e l p e r m o n t h . T h e camels w o u l d leave K u t c h t h i n a n d c o m e b a c k fat. In t h e m e a n t i m e h e w o u l d take t h e s t ronger , hea l th i e r camels o n small local m i g r a t i o n s .

T h e t w o c o m m u n i t i e s , despi te the i r different re l ig ions , h a d h e l p e d each o t h e r o u t a n d travelled t o g e t h e r as l o n g as a n y o n e c o u l d r e m e m b e r . T h e Ju t s w e r e cons ide red a li t t le l ower o n t h e social p y r a m i d b u t a wea l t hy J u t c o u l d j u s t as easily e m p l o y a p o o r R a b a r i as t h e o t h e r w a y a r o u n d . T h e R a b a r i p re fe r red to h i re t h e Ju t s r a the r t h a n m e m b e r s o f the i r o w n caste because if s o m e t h i n g w e n t w r o n g o n m i g r a t i o n t h e n t h e t roub le r e m a i n e d ou t s ide t h e ' family ' a n d w o u l d n o t sow discord w i t h i n t h e c o m m u n i t y .

O u t o f these he rds o n e o r t w o female camels w o u l d b e d e d i ­ca ted to t h e goddess - M a t a j i k i M e r i . T h e m i l k o f t hose c o w s w o u l d n e v e r b e sold, o n l y g iven t o ch i ld ren , a n d t h e animals

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themse lves n e v e r sold even w h e n t h e y w e r e o ld a n d useless. T h e camels b e l o n g i n g to t h e goddess w o u l d always b e k e p t w i t h t h e R a b a r i , n e v e r sen t away w i t h t h e Ju ts .

B a c k in B h u j I col lapsed in a h e a p in t h e P r i n c e H o t e l w h o s e a i r - c o n d i t i o n i n g , f ine serv ice a n d c h i c k e n t ikka masala I w o u l d c o m e to d e p e n d u p o n in t h e m o n t h s ahead . B u t t oday t h e ve ry t h o u g h t o f c h i c k e n t ikka m a d e m e w a n t t o die . N a r e n d r a sat o n t h e side o f t h e b e d a n d fo rced m e t o d r i n k n i m b u soda w i t h sugar. I h a t e d h i m .

M y po l i cy in Ind ia h a d b e e n to eat a n y t h i n g a n d to d r i n k w h a t e v e r w a t e r was available o n t h e a s s u m p t i o n tha t s o o n e r o r la ter m y b o d y w o u l d l e a rn t o a c c o m m o d a t e t h e bugs . A n d it w o r k e d . I h a d h a d on ly t w o b o u t s o f illness, b o t h o f t h e m mi ld , a n d this was o n e o f t h e m . Bes ides , f rom w h a t I c o u l d d i sce rn o f w h a t lay b e h i n d va r ious vil lage walls, it wasn ' t on ly visi tors w h o suffered in tes t inal t roubles . A n d if Ind ians c o u l d c o p e w i t h o u t d u b i o u s l y b o t t l e d wa te r , so c o u l d I. I h a d h a d m y shots o f g a m m a g lobu l in , rabies vacc ine a n d te tanus , a n d s o m e t i m e s r e m e m b e r e d to take m y q u i n i n e . M o r e p r e c a u t i o n t h a n tha t s e e m e d obsessive.

D r R a m a K r i s h n a h a d b e e n h u n t i n g t h e w h o l e o f K u t c h for a ce r t a in m u k k i , Pala bha i , w h o m , h e felt sure, w o u l d b e t h e bes t p e r s o n to take m e o n m i g r a t i o n . H e ' l ived ' i n R a n g k a ' s vil lage b u t , as t h e D o c t o r p u t it ' T h e R a b a r i are n e v e r at h o m e . ' I k n e w m y fr iends in t h e d e p a r t m e n t w e r e w o r k i n g ve ry h a r d o n m y b e h a l f a n d I also k n e w tha t o n c e Pala b h a i was l oca t ed a n d b r o u g h t t o t h e office I w o u l d have t o b e the re , as I m i g h t n e v e r ge t a n o t h e r c h a n c e t o m e e t h i m .

T h e p h o n e call c a m e t h r o u g h . I l eap t off t h e b e d in e x c i t e m e n t a n d f o u n d myse l f flat o n t h e floor. I m a d e it t o t h e j e e p b u t t h e ea r t h was s p i n n i n g off its axis. N a r e n d r a said I was t h e c o l o u r o f a b a n a n a . "We a r r ived at t h e office b u t I d e c i d e d I w o u l d lose m o r e face b y fa in t ing i n front o f t h e m t h a n b y staying away. I asked N a r e n d r a to cover for m e a n d I d rove b a c k to t h e h o t e l . I m a d e it t o t h e b a t h r o o m a n d s t rugg led w i t h m y t rousers . M y b o d y e r u p t e d — M o u n t St H e l e n s at o n e e n d a n d Vesuvius at t h e o the r . It was so v io l en t a n d so su rp r i s ing tha t I d idn ' t even have t i m e to feel disgusted. I spen t t h e n e x t half h o u r c l ean ing mysel f a n d t h e b a t h r o o m , t h e n I h e a d e d b a c k to t h e office. O h t h e E u r o p e a n

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s t o m a c h , t ha t o r g a n o f sabotage , p r o o f o f racial in fe r ior i ty . A t all costs I m u s t concea l t h e i n a d e q u a c y o f m y s t o m a c h f rom Pala. It w o u l d c o n f i r m his d o u b t s a b o u t m e .

I e n t e r e d t h e D o c t o r ' s office. E v e r y o n e was wa i t ing . N a r e n d r a said, ' D i d y o u r i n t e r n a t i o n a l call c o m e t h r o u g h ? ' ' N o , ' I said, i m p r o ­vis ing equal ly qu ick ly , ' b u t I cance l led it b e c a u s e I c o u l d n o t miss m e e t i n g Pala bhai . ' E v e n if I h a d n o t r e c o g n i z e d h i m f rom his b e a r i n g , t h e h u g e silver b race le t m a d e u p o f t h e Eng l i sh le t ters o f his n a m e w o u l d have g iven m e a c lue .

H e w o r e t h e t rad i t iona l w h i t e t u r b a n a n d w h i t e e m b r o i d e r e d s m o c k , a n d ca r r i ed his w o o l shawl d r a p e d over his a r m w i t h t h e air o f a m a n w h o has his c lo thes ta i lored in Savile R o w . H i s eyes shifted f r o m face to face, r e a d i n g t h e m . I b e a m e d , b r o u g h t m y h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n a n a m a s t e a n d said, 'So w h a t have y o u all b e e n ta lk ing a b o u t ? ' T h e D o c t o r rep l ied tha t t h e y h a d n o t r e a c h e d a dec i s ion because it was v e r y difficult. I said in H i n d i , ' W h a t is t h e p r o b l e m ? ' W i t h o u t miss ing a bea t Pala answered , ' W h a t p r o b l e m s aren ' t t h e r e for us t ravel l ing peop le? S h e p h e r d s a n d sheep ki l led o n t h e roads . Bhi ls (tribals) s teal ing o u r animals ; band i t s s teal ing o u r m o n e y . Fights w i t h locals a n d po l ice . T h i r s t a n d ha rdsh ip a n d t h e c los ing o f g raz ing lands . T o o m a n y dea ths each yea r o n m i g r a ­t ion. ' T h e r e was n o t a t race o f w h i n i n g i n this speech . H e spoke as if t i ck ing off a s h o p p i n g list.

N a t u r a l l y m o n e y was an incen t ive t o h a v i n g m e a long , b u t w h a t if s o m e t h i n g h a p p e n e d to m e . W o u l d h e a n d his p e o p l e b e h e l d responsible? H o w c o u l d h e t rus t us w h e n w e said tha t t h e y w o u l d no t? W h a t guaran tees w e r e the re? W h a t m i g h t t h e r e p e r c u s ­sions b e o f this u n p r e c e d e n t e d state o f affairs? N o t j u s t a s t ranger w i t h t h e m b u t a E u r o p e a n s tranger . A female E u r o p e a n stranger. H e said, ' I f I m a k e t h e w r o n g dec i s ion m y face wi l l b e b lack w i t h m y people . '

A n d so t h e b a r g a i n i n g a n d c o n v i n c i n g w e n t o n . E a c h m a n p re sen t p u t fo rward his p o i n t o f v i e w a n d t h e r e was m u c h b a n t e r ­i n g a n d laughte r . W h e n a n y o n e m a d e a g o o d j o k e o r said s o m e ­t h i n g ' t r u e ' , Pala w o u l d r ise t o shake hands w i t h tha t p e r s o n — so gent ly , so gracefully. B u t I c o u l d sense his confus ion . H e m u s t base his dec i s ion o n ins t inct , m o n e t a r y c o n s i d e r a t i o n a n d t rust i n this r o o m f u l o f p e o p l e , n o n e o f w h o m was a s h e p h e r d . E v e r y n o w

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a n d t h e n h e w o u l d w h i s k t h e D o c t o r ' s co l league , P r a v e e n S i n g h j i , i n t o a n o t h e r r o o m for a p r iva te con fe rence . W h e n t hey r e t u r n e d t h e discussion w o u l d c o n t i n u e , b a c k a n d for th , a n d d u r i n g it I w o u l d feel Pala r ega rd ing m e , t r y i n g t o size m e up .

'It's all ve ry wel l w h a t y o u p e o p l e say,' said Pala, ' b u t I a m already m o r e w o r r i e d a b o u t h e r t h a n I a m a b o u t m y o w n sister.' B u t after t w o h o u r s , it was clear tha t h e was c o m i n g r o u n d to t h e idea. H e insis ted tha t I have a m a n w i t h m e . I h a d n o t par t icu lar ly w a n t e d this b u t it w o u l d give t h e m m o r e c o n f i d e n c e a n d t h e m a n w o u l d b e able t o t e ach m e h o w t o d o th ings w i t h o u t m y h a v i n g t o pes te r t h e g r o u p .

I p r ayed for m y b o d y to b e h a v e b u t e x h a u s t i o n was ge t t i ng t h e b e t t e r o f it. It g r a b b e d h o l d o f b o n e s a n d b e n t t h e m . It c o m p r e s s e d t h e b ra in . N o t o n l y m u s t it b e e n d u r e d , it m u s t b e h i d d e n . A t last t h e p r i c e was fixed — t w o t h o u s a n d r u p e e s a m o n t h . I m u s t p r o ­v ide m y o w n f o o d a n d b u y m y goa t m i l k f rom t h e m . T h e y w o u l d p r o v i d e came l , saddle a n d gear. N a r e n d r a p r o c l a i m e d , ' F r o m n o w o n Pala bhai 's family is y o u r family, ' a n d e v e r y o n e s t o o d u p a n d s h o o k hands a n d o r d e r e d tea in ce leb ra t ion . Pala asked for m y n a m e . W h e n I t o ld h i m h e f r o w n e d as if t o say, T h a t is n o t any k i n d o f a n a m e , a n d a n n o u n c e d tha t f r o m n o w o n I w o u l d b e called R a t t i b e n — sister o f b l o o d , o r passion. I h a n d e d over a t h o u s a n d a n d o n e r u p e e s , a d o w n - p a y m e n t , a n d offered to pay his fare h o m e as w e h a d de layed h i m .

M a m u b h a i R a b a r i insisted o n s h o w i n g Pala m y h o t e l r o o m w h i c h , a l t h o u g h I loved it, c o u l d o n l y b e desc r ibed as l u x u r i o u s w h e n c o m p a r e d w i t h t h e c o m p e t i t i o n . A b e d , a h o t w a t e r tap, a w i n d o w , an a i r - c o n d i t i o n i n g un i t , a c o u p l e o f ba re l ight bu lbs , a L a m i n e x coffee table a n d a V iny l sofa. B u t t h e p o i n t n e e d e d t o b e m a d e tha t if I w e r e wi l l i ng to fo rego such o p u l e n c e for t h e R a b a r i , I was obv ious ly a ser ious sor t o f p e r s o n . W e all sat a r o u n d , stiff, n e r v o u s a n d g iggl ing , w a i t i n g for t h e food w h i c h Pala, h a v i n g n e v e r tasted such th ings before , t h e n c o u l d n o t finish. M a m u b h a i teased h i m saying, 'You 'd b e t t e r finish y o u r i c e c r e a m o r y o u ' l l m a k e a b a d impress ion. ' Af terwards , i n t h e b a t h r o o m , Pala b u r n t his hands in t h e h o t water . W e all l a u g h e d at h i m , t h e l a u g h t e r o f t h e sophis t ica ted towards t h e s imple . H e said, 'Wel l , h o w was I t o k n o w ? It s ta r ted o u t cold. ' As t hey all

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filed o u t M a m u b h a i sur rep t i t ious ly r e m i n d e d h i m to b i d m e farewell . Pala w e n t t o shake m y h a n d w h i l e I b r o u g h t m y h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n a namas te . T h e n I w e n t t o shake his h a n d w h i l e h e namas t ed . I d id n o t k i d mysel f tha t t h e first t w o w e e k s a lone w i t h t h e m was g o i n g to b e a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n a n i g h t m a r e o f m u t u a l awkwardness .

T h e n e x t day N a r e n d r a h a d to r e t u r n t o J o d h p u r . After saying m y g o o d b y e s a n d t h a n k y o u s , I c losed t h e d o o r o f m y r o o m a n d c o n f r o n t e d e m p t y space. I w o u l d b e f o r t y - o n e in five days ' t i m e a n d n o o n e in t h e w o r l d k n e w w h e r e I w o u l d be . N o t even m e . M a n y o f m y b i r thdays a n d Chr i s tmases h a d b e e n spen t i n h a p p y sol i tude , so I wasn ' t sure w h y I s h o u l d n o w feel . . . wel l . . . sad. A n d w o u l d n ' t it have b e e n n ice if I c o u l d have ce lebra ted m y b i r t h d a y w i t h s o m e o n e l ike . . . say . . . N a r e n d r a .

T h e m a r r i a g e c e r e m o n i e s w o u l d o c c u r t h e fo l lowing day. I h a d f o r e w a r n e d Di l ip , w h o was anx ious t o p h o t o g r a p h a chi ld w e d ­d i n g . H e was o n his w a y f r o m D e l h i . T h e D o c t o r h a d g o n e to a g o o d deal o f t roub le t o loca te a vil lage w h e r e such c e r e m o n i e s w e r e t ak ing p lace a n d t o n e g o t i a t e w i t h a ce r ta in m a n r ega rd ing t h e del icate m a t t e r o f t a k i n g p h o t o s .

It is n o t easy ge t t i ng f r o m D e l h i t o B h u j — a l o n g p l ane j o u r n e y via B o m b a y — t h e n f r o m B h u j t o a vil lage, c a r r y i n g all y o u r c a m e r a gear a n d s q u e e z i n g it, a l ong w i t h hal f a d o z e n p e o p l e , i n t o a single j e e p , especially w h e n b a c k in D e l h i y o u have a wife a n d a n e w b o r n b a b y w i t h w h o m y o u w o u l d prefer t o b e .

A t village Var shameda w e w e r e g r e e t e d po l i t e ly b u t n o t w a r m l y . W o r d h a d spread tha t chi ld mar r i ages w e r e to b e p h o t o ­g r a p h e d a n d this h a d caused s o m e r u c t i o n s w i t h i n t h e c o m m u n i ­ty. M i g h t w e n o t s h o w these p h o t o g r a p h s to t h e g o v e r n m e n t a n d l and t h e p e o p l e in t rouble? T h e w o m e n rega rded m e sour ly . O u r con tac t , N a k a bha i , was d o i n g his bes t t o he lp us b u t even h e was h a v i n g a difficult t i m e w i t h his relatives. H e said, ' M o s t o f t h e R a b a r i are i n n o c e n t b u t I 've l ived a r o u n d t h e p o r t s a n d I a m m o r e k n o w l e d g e a b l e . It is h a r d t o c h a n g e t hem. ' N a k a was aware o f t h e difficult fu ture facing his caste. H e h a d sold all his sheep a n d b o u g h t a t r u c k , a n d was t r y ing to c o n v i n c e o t h e r s tha t t h e y s h o u l d fo l low suit. S lowly a k n o t o f m e n f o r m e d a r o u n d us , anx ious tha t w e s h o u l d h e a r the i r p r o b l e m s .

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A n o ld re t i red m u k k i b e g a n , ' O u r ch i ld ren wil l always h e r d sheep. W h a t else can t h e y do? T h e y are n o t e d u c a t e d . A n d h o w can w e a b a n d o n o u r way o f life, it is all t ha t w e k n o w ? '

A y o u n g m a n t o o k u p t h e t h e m e . ' T h e r e is n o fu ture for us R a b a r i . T h e g o v e r n m e n t tells us w e dest roy t h e forests b u t t h e y said they 'd rep lan t t hose forestry areas t w e n t y years ago a n d they 've d o n e n o t h i n g , so w h y can ' t w e graze o u r sheep there? A n d w h y d o t h e y p lan t a t ree tha t is useless for e v e r y t h i n g e x c e p t c o o k i n g fires? T h e t h o r n s ge t s tuck in t h e sheep's m o u t h s d u r i n g t h e d r o u g h t w h e n t hey eat t h e m in despera t ion . ' H o p i n g , p e r ­haps , t ha t his w o r d s w o u l d travel fu r ther t h a n Varshameda , p e r ­haps even as far as t h e R a j Sabha itself, h e dec l a imed , ' I f t h e g o v e r n m e n t doesn ' t he lp us , we ' l l g o t o Pakistan. ' T h e discussion b e c a m e m o r e hea t ed , t h e o ld m e n , confused b y t h e pol i t ics , g iv ing way to t h e y o u n g h o t b l o o d s . Finally, t h e a n g e r e x h a u s t e d itself.

To l i gh t en t h e a t m o s p h e r e I addressed t h e o ld m e n . 'So w h e n are y o u g o i n g to m a k e this y o u n g m a n a leader? '

T o w h i c h s o m e o n e repl ied , ' H o w can w e m a k e h i m a m u k k i , yaar? H e m i g h t l and us all i n Pakistan. ' A n d e v e r y o n e fell a b o u t l augh ing .

W e w a i t e d several h o u r s for t h e c e r e m o n i e s t o b e g i n . A t last N a k a c a m e to us full o f apo logy a n d said, ' T h e y have d e c i d e d tha t y o u c a n n o t p h o t o g r a p h . ' D i l ip w e n t off like a c racker b u t it was n o g o o d . T h e dec i s ion h a d b e e n m a d e . It was final.

I w o r r i e d for Di l ip . As h e said ' y o u are on ly as g o o d as y o u r last p h o t o g r a p h ' a n d h e felt h e wasn ' t ge t t i ng t h e ma te r i a l h e n e e d e d . T h e R a b a r i w e r e n o t m a k i n g it easy for h i m . B u t w h a t m o r e c o u l d I do? D u r i n g t h e l o n g p e r i o d s o f wa i t ing , events w o u l d h a p p e n w i t h o u t w a r n i n g , l eav ing n o t i m e t o call h i m f rom D e l h i . O r , as o n this occas ion , I w o u l d s u m m o n h i m a n d n o t h i n g w o u l d h a p p e n . M y responsibi l i ty b u t t o n was b e i n g h i t w i t h t h e force o f a j a c k h a m m e r . Very wel l t h e n , o n e t h i n g I c o u l d p r o m i s e h i m — pic tu res o f camels s w i m m i n g in t h e sea a n d o f t h e last t radi t ional ly bui l t R a b a r i village in K u t c h . B u t n o t j u s t ye t . I h a d b e e n to ld t h e p e o p l e o f tha t vil lage w e r e suspicious o f ou ts iders . T h e r e f o r e I w o u l d g o t o live t he re mysel f for a c o u p l e o f w e e k s u n d e r t h e auspices o f D r R a m a

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Kr i shna , so tha t t h e inhab i tan t s w o u l d ge t t o k n o w m e a n d to u n d e r s t a n d w h a t was b e i n g asked o f t h e m . I w o u l d p r epa re t h e m for t h e r a the r m o r e d r ama t i c arr ival o f a p h o t o g r a p h e r .

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B h o p a v a n d ( the p lace o f priests o r m e d i u m s ) cons is ted o f five h u n d r e d o r so r o u n d , be ige houses d e c o r a t e d w i t h w h i t e w a s h . T h e roofs w e r e p o i n t e d cones o f g rey straw, so tha t f rom a dis tance t h e village l o o k e d l ike a t igh t c lus ter o f n a r r o w toads tools . It h a d a defensive a p p e a r a n c e b u t o n c e y o u e n t e r e d it, it o p e n e d t o reveal its life. O n e h u t b l e n d e d i n t o ano the r , l i n k e d b y te r races a n d p l a t ­fo rms . E m e r g i n g f rom a n d d i sappear ing i n t o t h e houses w e r e m e n in w h i t e a n d w o m e n in black. T h e lit t le oval d o o r s a n d w i n d o w s s h o w e d tha t slight lops idedness w h i c h is so p leas ing t o t h e eye: e v e r y t h i n g h e r e h a d b e e n m a d e by h a n d f rom ear th , w o o d , straw, d u n g , s tone .

B u t b e h i n d e a c h stark e x t e r i o r lay fantasy a n d fairy tale — r o u n d w h i t e palaces c o n t a i n i n g M o r e s q u e c u p b o a r d s m o u l d e d o f m u d plaster, inlaid w i t h m i r r o r s , glass pa in t ings a n d baubles , o ld l ight bulbs set in rows . W h i t e quil ts b o r d e r e d in red o r b l u e lay s tacked against walls, brass p o t s s h o n e in a g l o o m fractured b y pa t t e rns of l ight f rom o n e o r t w o w i n d o w s . H e r e a n d t he re pa le b l u e o r p i n k wash f ramed recesses w h e r e t h e deit ies l ived.

T h e village sat o n a shore l ine as if it h a d r e a c h e d t h e e n d o f s o m e ­t h i n g a n d c o u l d g o n o fur ther . A n e n i g m a t i c l andscape s t re tched b e y o n d — sandy islands a n d t idal flats across w h i c h t h e sea c a m e c r e e p i n g so fast a n d so th in ly tha t w a t c h i n g it sent t ingles u p t h e b a c k o f t h e n e c k . T h e w a t e r was l ight b r o w n a n d o p a q u e . A mi l e o r t w o away a l ine o f f roth de l inea t ed t h e b e a c h a n d a long it I m p r e s ­sionistic strokes sugges ted st ick a n d hessian shel ters . A c a m e l car t c reaked its way across t h e flats, de l ive r ing d r u m s o f w a t e r t o t h e M u s l i m f i s h e r m e n c a m p e d the re . T h e l and seascape h a d an a b a n ­d o n e d qual i ty a n d a largeness tha t m a d e t h e hea r t swell o u t t o fill it.

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B h o p a v a n d h a d p e r c h e d o n t h e edge o f this sea for several cen tu r i e s a n d ve ry s o o n it wi l l have dissolved i n t o t h e past for ever, w h i c h m a y g o s o m e w a y t o exp la in ing t h e pr ickl iness o f its inhab i t an t s . T h e y are came l b r eede r s a n d w e r e o n c e qu i t e wel l off. T h e i r de i ty , G o d d e s s Vankul M a t a j i , r ides o n a came l a n d specifically b e q u e a t h e d t h e an ima l t o t h e m . A l t h o u g h the re is l i t t le prof i t n o w to b e m a d e f rom the i r herds , t hey c a n n o t a b a n d o n a w a y o f life w h i c h has sus ta ined t h e m since the i r b e g i n n i n g s , w h i c h is in t r ins ic t o t h e i r iden t i ty . T h e y c a n n o t be t r ay M a t a j i .

I n e v e r d id ge t t o t h e b o t t o m o f R a b a r i re l ig ious beliefs b u t I d id k n o w tha t for all t h e folklor ic j o k e s c o n c e r n i n g the i r c e r e ­m o n i a l i g n o r a n c e , desp i te t h e var ia t ions in local beliefs a n d p r a c ­t ices, a n d even t h o u g h t h e e t y m o l o g y o f R a b a r i can b e i n t e r p r e t e d as ' o n e ou t s ide t h e c o n v e n t i o n s ' , it was , never the less , a caste f amous for p r o d u c i n g ascetics. W h y this s h o u l d b e so, I d o n o t k n o w b u t I suspect tha t if y o u have l ived y o u r life a lone w i t h t h e he rds y o u deve lop a p r o p e n s i t y for specu la t ing u p o n , a n d ta lk ing to , G o d . O u t o n t h e d a n g t h e r e m a y b e lit t le access t o r i tua l appara tus — t emples , specialists a n d i n t e r m e d i a r i e s - b u t this does n o t m e a n tha t t h e faith o f t ravel l ing p e o p l e is less p o t e n t . T h e gods are always p resen t a n d R a b a r i a t t a c h m e n t t o t h e m is s t rong , even t h o u g h , d u r i n g m i g r a t i o n , t h e d i a logue w i t h t h o s e dei t ies is necessar i ly in t e rna l .

T h i s c o m m u n i t y was u n u s u a l i n t h e sense tha t t h e p r inc ipa l de i ty was w o r s h i p p e d ex te rna l ly , a n d collect ively, a n d s u r r o u n d i n g tha t w o r s h i p was a c o m p l e x r i tua l appara tus . Besides t h e camel , M a t a j i h a d b e s t o w e d a s ingular spir i tual s u p e r i o r i t y o n h e r p e o p l e so tha t all t h e m e n o f t h e village i n h e r i t e d t h e t i t le o f b h o p a . She d e m a n d e d str ict r i tua l p e r f o r m a n c e s f rom t h e m , a p r o p e r p lace t o live, sacrificial objects a n d so o n .

O n e c o u l d say p e r h a p s tha t t h e R a b a r i o f B h o p a v a n d w e r e uncharac te r i s t ica l ly o r t h o d o x . T h e i r M a t a j i s e e m e d a r a the r u n f o r ­g iv ing ve r s ion o f t h e goddess , fo rb idd ing h e r w o r s h i p p e r s t o bu i ld in a n y t h i n g b u t t rad i t iona l mater ia l s , f o rb idd ing even t h e use o f k e r o s e n e let a lone e lec t r ic i ty . B u t lately she h a d b e e n l o o s e n i n g u p a lit t le, feeling, possibly, tha t it was b e t t e r t o b e n d t o t h e m o d e r n w o r l d t h a n b e ent i re ly sha t te red b y it.

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I a r r ived o n t h e day B h o p a v a n d was ce lebra t ing t h e o p e n i n g o f its first c e m e n t t e m p l e , w h i c h sat amids t t h e d u n houses l ike a n I tal ian w e d d i n g cake. T h e w a y M a t a j i h a d g iven p e r m i s s i o n for this r u p t u r e o f t r ad i t ion was as fol lows. H e r b h o p a s t i ed a goa t by t h e front o f t h e o ld t e m p l e , a t oads too l h o u s e like t h e o t h e r s . T h e n t h e y s t roked t h e goa t u p a n d d o w n , themse lves g o i n g in t o t r a n c e a n d ask ing M a t a j i if t hey c o u l d bu i ld in m o r t a r a n d b r i ck . If t h e goa t shivered (and it w o u l d b e an insensi t ive goa t w h o d id n o t ) , t h e answer was yes . In any case if t h e goa t refused t o c o m p l y a n o t h e r w o u l d b e subs t i tu ted .

A r o u n d t h e t e m p l e b a n n e r s a n d b u n t i n g w e r e flying, a n d v is i ­to r s f rom miles a r o u n d w e r e mi l l i ng a b o u t t h e stalls o r b e i n g fed u n d e r an e n o r m o u s o p e n - s i d e d ten t . Beaut i ful ly dressed R a b a r i m e n d i shed o u t t h e food o n thalis: dal , h a r d n o o d l e s , s o m e st icky sweet stuff — all t o p p e d w i t h a l iberal h e l p i n g o f salty dust . Af te r ­wards , nea r t h e w a t e r t r u c k w h i c h h a d b e e n d o n a t e d b y t h e g o v e r n m e n t for this day — t h e village wel l b e i n g such a l o n g w a y off — m e n w e r e d o i n g t h e w a s h i n g up . B e h i n d t h e m was t h e o p e n - a i r k i t c h e n : g iants ' cau ld rons m a d e o f r ive t t ed i ron , b u b b l i n g over fire pi ts . I w o n d e r e d h o w t h e y m a n a g e d to afford such a h u g e pa r ty . T h e D o c t o r to ld m e t h e first m a n to o p e n t h e d o o r o f t h e i n n e r s a n c t u m o f t h e t e m p l e h a d pa id n i n e t h o u s a n d six h u n d r e d r u p e e s for t h e pr iv i lege . A n o t h e r pa id five t h o u s a n d r u p e e s for t y ing t h e flag o n top .

N o w tha t M a t a j i h a d g iven t h e O K , progress in t h e f o r m o f e lec t r ic i ty , p u m p e d water , b r e e z e - b l o c k h o u s i n g and , eventual ly , te levis ion wil l r e inven t B h o p a v a n d . W h e t h e r this is u l t ima te ly a g o o d o r a b a d t h i n g , w h o can say? B u t o n e can cer ta in ly say tha t it is t h e u n i q u e b e i n g d e v o u r e d by t h e h o m o g e n e o u s , a process character is t ic o f o u r age and , t o m e , a cause for grief.

D r R a m a K r i s h n a w a i t e d w i t h m e all m o r n i n g a n d i n t r o d u c e d m e to t h e p e r s o n w h o w o u l d b e m y ' c o n t a c t ' , a n e w field officer w h o s e j o b it w o u l d b e t o exp la in to t h e p e o p l e o f B h o p a v a n d w h y I was the re . After t h e y left K o j u a n d I set u p a t e n t a q u a r t e r o f a m i l e f rom t h e vil lage. O n l y later d id w e discover tha t w e h a d c a m p e d n e a r t h e an ima l graveyard, w h e r e t h e dogs c a m e at n i g h t t o scavenge a n d t o h o w l un t i l d a w n .

In t h e a f t e r n o o n w e w e n t t o t h e bu r i a l g r o u n d to w a t c h a

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c e r e m o n y . ( T h e R a b a r i h e r e b u r y t he i r d e a d j u s t as M u s l i m s do.) O n o n e side w e r e t h e w o m e n l ike a no i sy c o n g r e g a t i o n o f r ooks . O n t h e o t h e r w e r e t h e m e n . C o l o u r e d flags flapped in a h e a v y sea w i n d . D r u m s bea t o u t a pulse . Towards t h e front , s o m e o f t h e m e n h a d g o n e i n t o t rance , w a i t i n g for t h e goddess t o possess t h e m . T h e y w o u l d shake, t h e n s u d d e n l y leap u p a n d dance , flagellating themselves w i t h t h i ck l ea the r ropes b u t on ly for a few seconds , after w h i c h a n o t h e r m a n w o u l d gen t ly e m b r a c e t h e d a n c e r f rom b e h i n d a n d take away t h e r o p e so tha t n o real d a m a g e was d o n e . O n e c o u l d n o t he lp b u t b e a little env ious o f such i n t i m a c y w i t h G o d . I h a d asked t h e o l d e r m e n a n d w o m e n if I m i g h t take s o m e p h o t o g r a p h s to w h i c h t h e y readi ly agreed . (I l o a t h e t ak ing p h o t o s in such s i tua t ions b u t as D i l i p was n o t t he r e I felt it was m y duty . ) B u t w h e n t h e t i m e c a m e a m a n s c r eamed at m e t o g o away. I s lunk backwards i n t o t h e c r o w d , a s h a m e d a n d upset . A n o t h e r R a b a r i f r o m a dis tant vil lage c o u l d speak a li t t le Engl i sh . H e said, ' T h e s e are j u n g l y , j u n g l y p e o p l e . A w i l d t r ibe . T h e y always m a k e mischiefs. '

O n m y first t en ta t ive foray i n t o B h o p a v a n d a lone I was m e t b y t h e ch i ld ren — a g a n g o f ove r -exc i t ab le li t t le f iends w h o spoke at s c r eaming p i t ch . I s u b m i t t e d t o the i r teasing. S e r u was leader o f t h e pack . I n a n o t h e r cu l tu re h e w o u l d b e b r a n d e d hyperac t ive . O r pe rhaps a p rod igy . W h e n t h e shr ieks o f his g a n g b e c a m e t o o m u c h , h e lifted his h a n d a n d his face t o o k o n a fur ious l o o k . T h e l a u g h t e r d i ed ins tant ly a n d e v e r y o n e w a i t e d in expec t a t i on . H e p u l l e d m e close to h i m a n d b e g a n p lay ing a r h y t h m o n his face. F ingers d r u m m e d o n his p u f f e d - o u t cheeks , his t o n g u e c l icked in s y n c o p a t i o n , eyes b u l g e d . I was m a d e t o copy . It t o o k grea t d e x t e r ­i ty b u t t h o s e years at t h e p i a n o c a m e in for s o m e use after all. Hys te r i c s f rom t h e m o n s t e r s . Y o u n g w o m e n c a m e a n d j o i n e d in , e v e r y o n e p o p p i n g fingers o n cheeks a n d c l i ck ing t o n g u e s . I n o ­t i ced tha t t h e w o m e n a n d ch i ld ren w e r e n e v e r still. It was as if t h e y w e r e electr i f ied. Yet t hey w e r e cove red in ca rbunc les a n d boi ls . N o d o u b t t h e y h a d b e e n w o r k i n g since t h e y c o u l d w a l k a n d h i g h e n e r g y o u t p u t was a hab i t . T h e y asked m e w h e r e m y h u s ­b a n d was b y tw i r l i ng an i m a g i n a r y m o u s t a c h e , l o o k i n g q u e s t i o n ¬ ing ly at m e a n d slicing t h e h a n d sideways, as if t o say w h e r e ? O r w h a t ? T h e n t hey i n d i c a t e d m y c a m p . I real ized tha t t h e y t h o u g h t I

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was m a r r i e d to K o j u , o r if n o t m a r r i e d t o h i m , t h e n d o i n g th ings w i t h t h e h a n d s o m e y o u n g R a j p u t o f a mora l ly ques t ionab le na tu re . O l d e r w o m e n c a m e b y b u t t h e y stared at m e sour ly . O r was I j u s t i m a g i n i n g that? W h e n I w e n t b a c k t o c a m p , I passed a n o ld lady r ebu i l d ing t h e p l a t f o r m o f h e r h o u s e - m u d , d u n g a n d water , s m o o t h e d a n d plas tered b y h a n d . She c a m e t o s h o w m e those hands . T h e y w e r e r a w a n d suppura t ing . She asked for m e d i ­c ine , so I t o o k h e r t o m y t e n t for an t ib io t ic dus t i ng p o w d e r a n d from t h e n o n d o c t o r e d h e r eve ry day. Officially M a t a j i c o u l d cu re a n y t h i n g b u t pe rhaps w e s t e r n m e d i c i n e h u r r i e d h e r a long?

I w a i t e d a few days, n o t k n o w i n g w h a t t o m a k e o f t h e conf l ic t ­i n g signals. S o m e p e o p l e w a n t e d m e to visit t h e m a n d w e r e v e r y fr iendly. O t h e r s cast f l ick-knife looks . T h e r e we re , as always, t h e perfect m a n n e r s b u t u n d e r n e a t h t h e m lay a q u e e r k i n d o f t ens ion . T h e w h o l e vi l lage was t u r n e d inward . I inv i ted s o m e o f t h e ladies t o m y c a m p for tea b u t n o o n e c a m e .

Life can ge t p r e t t y dismal s i t t ing bes ide a t en t o n a flat surface that s t retches b r o w n l y f rom h o r i z o n t o h o r i z o n , i n n o - d e g r e e hea t , t h i n k i n g a b o u t w h a t n o r m a l p e o p l e d o o n t he i r forty-first b i r thdays . So K o j u a n d I d e c i d e d to w a l k across t h e m u d to visit t h e M u s l i m f i s h e r m e n o n t h e b e a c h . F r o m t h e m w e w o u l d t ry t o h i re a b o a t b y w h i c h t o cross t h e c h a n n e l , a n d o n t h e o t h e r side h u n t for t h e c a m e l he rds w h i c h , w e w e r e told , w o u l d s o o n b e s w i m m i n g tha t c h a n n e l o n the i r w a y h o m e .

T h e fisherfolk l ived for six m o n t h s o f t h e yea r i n the i r h o m e village fifty k i l ome t r e s away. T h e rest o f t h e t i m e t hey l ived he re , u n d e r these flimsy shel ters , b y t h e shade o f a s t u n t e d a n d half-n a k e d t ree. T h e m e n stayed o u t all day o n the i r h e a v y w o o d e n boa ts , n e t t i n g fish o r c a t c h i n g small lobs ters w h i c h t h e y sold to A m e r i c a for b i g m o n e y . H a l f a d o z e n w o m e n a n d a b o u t a d o z e n ch i ld ren r e m a i n e d b e h i n d o n t h e b e a c h , salt ing a n d d r y i n g t h e fish o n s t ink ing racks, t h e n p a c k i n g it i n crates t o b e sent t o B o m b a y . T h e r e was n o fresh w a t e r for b a t h i n g (each de l ivered d r u m cost t e n rupees ) , n o vegetables — o n l y w h a t t h e sea p r o v i d e d a n d t h e m i l k from a c o u p l e o f goats . As for t h e boa ts , G o d k n o w s h o w they w e r e n ' t all lost at sea. T h e c h a n n e l was a ca lm s t re tch o f m a y b e five h u n d r e d yards ' w i d t h b u t w h e n w e c a m e to l and o n t h e o t h e r side, t h e r e was a slight sea c h o p . T h e b o a t h e a v e d

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wild ly ; K o j u c l u n g to t h e mas t l o o k i n g m o s t unnau t i ca l . G e t t i n g o u t , w e sank u p t o o u r c ro tches in m u d . F r o m the re w e w a l k e d across several k i l ome t r e s o f sque lch , search ing t h e s u r r o u n d i n g m i r a g e for any d r o m e d a r i a n shapes . K o j u w a l k e d a few h u n d r e d yards ahead , his shape b e c o m i n g t h i n n e r a n d t h i n n e r un t i l it m e l t e d i n t o l ight .

W h e n w e r e t u r n e d , t h e f i s h e r w o m e n h a d g a t h e r e d e n o u g h c o u r ­age to ask us t o tea. H o w different t h e y w e r e f rom the i r R a b a r i n e i g h b o u r s . T h e r e was a gaiety in t h e m , an ou twardnes s , t ha t be l i ed t h e adversi ty o f the i r lives. T h e boys d u g u p s o m e crabs for m e . I gave a y o u n g girl s e v e n t y - o n e r u p e e s . After tha t I vis i ted t h e m a lmos t every day, n o t for t h e crabs so m u c h as for t he i r c o m p a n y .

O n t h e fifth day K o j u drove off t o rep len ish o u r w a t e r supp ly at a wel l several k i l ome t r e s away. It was early m o r n i n g . T h e salt p a n s t r e t ched away to c louds o n 150 degrees o f t h e compass ; t h e r e m a i n ­i n g angle c o n t a i n e d a l ine o f p a l m trees a n d t h e c lus tered c o n e s o f t h e vil lage. A figure in f lu t t e r ing b lack e m e r g e d , t h e n van i shed . T i n y birds r an t h r o u g h t h e m a r s h grasses; t h e ea r t h was h o l d i n g its b r e a t h b e t w e e n t h e exha l a t i on o f a l and b r e e z e a n d t h e i nha l a t i on o f a sea b reeze . Gradua l ly t h e day's mi rages w e r e f o r m i n g , m a k i n g it s e e m as if t h e ovenl ike t e n t was s u r r o u n d e d b y c o o l wa te r . A h e r d o f goats appea red a n d crossed t h e flats, h e a d i n g for li t t le islands o f salty grass, c rea t ing an opt ica l i l lusion in t h e hea t s h i m ­mer . T h e t h o u s a n d s o f legs l o o k e d l ike t h e legs o f o n e c rea ture — a m o n s t r o u s mi l l i pede - fo l lowed b y a l o n e g o a t h e r d .

T h e r e was a no ise f rom t h e vil lage. I t u r n e d a r o u n d t o see t w o h u n d r e d w o m e n h e a d i n g towards m e . I rose to g ree t t h e m , w o n d e r ­i n g h o w I w o u l d p rov ide tea for such a m u l t i t u d e . All w e n t wel l at first. B u t s o o n t h e e x c i t e m e n t g r e w i n t o s o m e t h i n g unpleasan t . T h e ch i ld ren w h i p p e d u p a k i n d o f hyster ia a n d it g r e w a n d spread t h r o u g h t h e w o m e n . T h e y b e g a n g o i n g t h r o u g h m y th ings , g r a b b i n g at t h e m , a n d w h e n I t r i ed t o s top t h e m I real ized tha t any ac t i on o n m y pa r t w o u l d on ly increase t h e frenzy. I s t o o d in front o f t h e t en t , a rms fo lded a n d stared resolu te ly at t h e h o r i z o n . I wasn ' t f r igh tened , n o t exact ly, b u t it was deep ly unse t t l i ng t o b e c o n f r o n t e d w i t h c r o w d hyster ia i n t h e face o f w h i c h I was en t i re ly power less . T h e o ld lady w h o s e in fec ted h a n d I h a d b e e n

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d o c t o r i n g t r i e d t o ca lm th ings d o w n b u t w i t h o u t effect. A t last t h e j e e p appea red in a w h o r l o f dus t a n d t h e w o m e n a n d ch i l d r en fled, s c reaming , ins ide t h e m u t e walls o f t h e village.

D e a r K o j u . H e t o o k o n e l o o k at m e a n d k n e w j u s t w h a t t o d o . H e fixed t h e rad io a n d t u r n e d o n t h e Eng l i sh n e w s , m a d e tea, said h e ' d t h r o w red chilli p o w d e r i n t o t he i r faces if t h e y c a m e again, said, ' B y n i g h t dogs , b y day chi ldren. ' H e said tha t h e h a d n e v e r l iked these p e o p l e b u t , s h r u g g i n g ph i losophica l ly , added , ' D u s a r e desh , dusare l o o g ' (different c o u n t r i e s , different p e o p l e ) . I a c c e p t e d t h e tea w i t h shak ing hands a n d s o o n w e w e r e l augh ing .

T h e n e x t m o r n i n g I d e c i d e d to g o b a c k i n t o t h e vil lage o n t h e f a l l i n g - o f f - a - h o r s e / g e t t i n g - b a c k - o n p r inc ip l e . Besides , I h a d p r o m ­ised to take m e d i c i n e to t h e o ld lady. T h e ch i ld ren w e r e w a i t i n g for m e , a h u n d r e d o r m o r e , a n d this t i m e t hey g r a b b e d at m y c lo thes a n d bag , p i n c h e d m e a n d c h a n t e d , ' B o o p i n ! B o o p i n ! ' ( w h i c h was h o w t h e y u n d e r s t o o d m y n a m e ) . Chi l ls u p a n d d o w n m y b a c k — this was t h e p a c k h u n t i n g a n d m y t e r r o r o f it was atavistic a n d p r o f o u n d . I p r e t e n d e d u n c o n c e r n a n d s lowly m a d e m y w a y towards s o m e h u t s w h e r e p rev ious ly I h a d b e e n w e l ­c o m e d . As t h e pebb les s tar ted flying, a w o m a n p u l l e d m e inside. I w a i t e d t h e r e w i t h ch i ld ren a n d w o m e n p u s h i n g a n d s h o v i n g at t h e en t r ance , b l o c k i n g t h e air so tha t t hose o f us ins ide c o u l d bare ly b rea the . B u t t h e lovely p e r s o n w h o saved m e d id n o t lose h e r e q u a n i m i t y . Q u i e t l y she ta lked t o t h e m , exp l a in ing w h o I was , w h y I h a d c o m e a n d tha t I was n o t an e n e m y . T h e n s o m e o ld w o m e n p laced themse lves at t h e front o f t h e m o b , a l te rna te ly c a l m i n g t h e ch i ld ren a n d ha l f -hear ted ly chast is ing t h e m . M y p r o t e c ­tors a p o l o g i z e d abject ly b u t it was clear tha t s taying any l o n g e r at B h o p a v a n d was n e i t h e r profi table n o r wise . O n l y later d id I f ind o u t con j ec tu re was rife tha t I was a g o v e r n m e n t spy.

To those w h o have a r o m a n t i c v i e w o f travel o r w h o , l o n g i n g for t h e l iber ty t h e y i m a g i n e it b r ings , w i s h tha t t hey , t oo , c o u l d t h r o w off o ld j o b s , o ld husbands , o ld responsibi l i t ies a n d h e a d for w i l d e r c l imes w h e r e , t hey feel sure, b o t h life a n d themselves wi l l b e ent i re ly different — tha t is t o say, be t t e r ; w h o d o n o t u n d e r s t a n d tha t o n e carr ies t h e self l ike a heavy o ld suitcase w h e r e v e r o n e goes ; w h o t h i n k o f travel n o t as a l ine o f i nqu i ry , a satisfaction o f

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cur ios i ty o r as a m e t h o d b y w h i c h t o b e t t e r u n d e r s t a n d t h e w o r l d b u t as an escape f rom banal i ty , I have this t o say.

W h e n y o u are so t i red, f rustrated a n d filthy tha t y o u w o u l d l ike t o c ry b u t c a n n o t because p e o p l e are w a t c h i n g y o u ; w h e n y o u r p e r i o d has c o m e a n d y o u are i n pa in b u t y o u m u s t n o t display it; w h e n y o u d o n o t k n o w w h a t is g o i n g o n because y o u c a n n o t u n d e r s t a n d t h e l anguage b u t y o u sense t h e a t m o s p h e r e is n o t r igh t ; w h e n y o u are o p e r a t i n g o n t w e n t y levels at o n c e a n d n o t sure if y o u are c o r r e c t i n any o f t h e m ; w h e n y o u have e n t e r e d a p lace w h e r e t h e p e o p l e are suspicious o f y o u , o r f r i gh t ened o f y o u , o r ha t e y o u because y o u represen t s o m e t h i n g evil t o t h e m ; w h e n y o u c a n n o t m a k e y o u r i n t e n t i o n s u n d e r s t o o d ; w h e n the re are ch i ld ren , h u n d r e d s o f t h e m , press ing u p against y o u , s h o u t i n g , pu l l i ng at y o u r ha i r a n d c lo thes , o r pe l t i ng y o u w i t h rocks ; w h e n y o u are so fed u p w i t h h u m a n n e s s tha t y o u w o u l d l ike to s h o o t e v e r y o n e y o u see, i n c l u d i n g y o u r self; w h e n t h e village dogs race towards y o u h o w l i n g a n d slavering; a n d w h e n , finally, y o u m a k e it b a c k t o t h e t en t t o have a c u p o f tea, t h e o n l y l u x u r y y o u have, y o u f ind tha t t h e m i l k has t u r n e d t o y o g u r t ; w h e n the re is n o o n e w i t h w h o m t o have a sensible conversa t ion , n o r is t he r e l ikely to b e a n y o n e for m o n t h s ; w h e n y o u realize h o w ve ry far away f rom y o u are t h e places a n d p e o p l e y o u u n d e r s t a n d a n d w h o u n d e r ­s tand y o u ; w h e n y o u r Ce l t i c skin, w h i c h b lushes even u n d e r a w e a k n o r t h e r n sun , has b e e n b a k e d i n t o p o t t e r y b y sun a n d salt so tha t y o u have t o s top your se l f t h i n k i n g o f t h e cancers w h i c h surely m u s t b e f o r m i n g , let a lone t h e years y o u are a d d i n g t o y o u r face; w h e n t h e little beasts tha t have t a k e n u p res idence i n y o u r s t o m a c h d o u b l e y o u u p in a c r a m p so tha t y o u have t o r u n b e h i n d a d u n e even t h o u g h t h e r e are p e o p l e e v e r y w h e r e w a t c h i n g ; a n d w h e n y o u have so lost t o u c h w i t h w h y y o u are d o i n g w h a t y o u are d o i n g tha t it seems y o u are t r a p p e d in a m a c h i n e o f m e a n i n g ¬ lessness in w h i c h m o r a l values are m a s h e d t o a p u l p a n d ye t , because o f an o v e r d e v e l o p e d sense o f responsibi l i ty (or pe rhaps a lack o f c o u r a g e ) , y o u c a n n o t l ibera te you r se l f b y cance l l ing an ar t ic le for a m a g a z i n e ; w h e n y o u have p l u m b e d t h e ve ry dep ths o f banal i ty , t h e n , y o u b e g i n t o w o n d e r if it is w o r t h it.

If what is w o r t h it, exactly? M o m e n t s . Y o u m i g h t b e w a l k i n g a long a b e a c h w h e r e t he re are

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n o foo tp r in t s . T h e r e is a l i t t le girl , a f i sherman 's daugh te r , h o l d i n g y o u r h a n d . You see s o m e shapes in t h e dis tance a long t h e r i m o f t h e sea a n d y o u t h i n k y o u r ecogn ize t h o s e shapes f rom p ic tures y o u have seen. Y o u take in a b r ea th , j u s t l o u d e n o u g h for t h e girl t o l o o k at y o u ques t ion ing ly , a n d y o u p o i n t t o t h e m a n d she n o d s a n d y o u wa lk t o g e t h e r i n t o t h e b r igh tnes s . A n d the re , for t h e first t i m e in y o u r life, y o u see t h e m . B u t t hey are n o t p i n k , y o u say, a n d h u r r y towards t h e m . T h e i r s t r ide , t o o , qu i ckens — l o n g h i n g e d legs e l o n g a t e d in t h e mi rage . Y o u reach to w i t h i n t e n yards o f t h e m before t hey float off t h e sand, insect legs s lowly pac ing , s lowly lifting t h e m u p in a blaze o f flamingo red .

It's n o t t h e same as see ing t h e m in a z o o . O r , y o u m i g h t b e w a l k i n g t h r o u g h m u d t o t h e h ips a n d y o u

are l a u g h i n g at y o u r f r iend K o j u w h o has n e v e r seen t h e sea a n d w h o poses for a p h o t o g r a p h w i t h a shell o n his head . A n d t h e n y o u sit o n t h e sand floor o f a t e n t w i t h t h e f i s h e r m e n w h o stuff y o u w i t h as m a n y h o t fresh crabs as y o u can eat, p lus t i ny c u r r i e d fish, tea a n d fel lowship, a n d y o u eat five crabs be fore shee r e m b a r ­rassment at y o u r g l u t t o n y forces y o u to s top. A n d t h e lady o f t h e h o u s e hugs y o u a n d laughs , a n d takes y o u t o t h e sea t o w a s h y o u r face.

It's n o t t h e same as ea t ing at t h e local res taurant . O r , y o u have b e e n w a l k i n g t h r o u g h a wi lde rness o f sand. T h e

s i lence a n d t h e r h y t h m of t h e w a l k i n g have sent y o u i n t o a rever ie in w h i c h y o u s e e m b e h i n d yourself, w a t c h i n g your se l f w a t c h i n g reality. T h e w r i n k l i n g ac t i on o f w a t e r o n sand b r ings a t h o u g h t t o t h e surface w h i c h e c h o e s t h e p a t t e r n itself. W h a t is t h e force d r i v i n g m a t t e r i n t o ever m o r e c o m p l i c a t e d , ever m o r e i m p r o b a b l e forms? W h y does it d o this , a n d w h y are y o u h e r e t o obse rve it? W h a t y o u see is so as ton ish ing tha t y o u are grateful s imply to have life, t o have senses w i t h w h i c h t o wi tness t h e event , even t h o u g h t h e see ing h e a r i n g smel l ing t o u c h i n g w o n d e r i n g m u s t e n d in n o t h i n g - a t - a l l . T h e n a n o t h e r t h o u g h t washes u p t h r o u g h tha t t h o u g h t a n d y o u r ecogn ize t h e Tightness o f it, o f you r se l f b e i n g o n e o f a n inf ini te series o f fo rms coa lesc ing o u t o f ma t t e r , r e t u r n ­i n g to it, so tha t before a n d after lose the i r m e a n i n g a n d t h e i r te r ror , a n d t h e soul is a l lowed, for t h e t i m e it takes for a sparkle t o flash o n t h e sea, t o feel c o n n e c t e d t o e v e r y t h i n g tha t ever was o r

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ever wi l l b e . S o m e t h i n g solid fo rms in y o u again a n d ho lds y o u s t rongly to life.

I re t i red t o Bhuj 's P r i n c e H o t e l t o l ick m y w o u n d s . I h a d t w o days t o d o so a n d w h a t b e t t e r w a y to pass t h e m t h a n t o stay in b e d w a t c h i n g v ideos , r ead ing , s leeping a n d ea t ing c h i c k e n t ikka masala? T h r o u g h t h e gullies o f B h u j I w e n t search ing for t h e v i d e o shop . I f o u n d it a n d t o o k o u t six v ideos . B u t b a c k in t h e h o t e l r o o m I f o u n d tha t every o n e o f t h e m was so d a m a g e d tha t o n l y a scratchy grey surface c a m e u p o n t h e screen, across w h i c h h u m a n - s h a p e d ghosts s o m e t i m e s strayed. T h e s o u n d was s o m e ­t h i n g l ike a p o n d full o f c roak ing toads . B a c k I w e n t t o r eques t a r e fund o r v ideos tha t c o n t a i n e d v ideos .

' B u t y o u have already t a k e n t h e m o u t , M a d a m . ' 'Yes, I know I have t aken t h e m o u t b u t I a m r e t u r n i n g t h e m b e ­

cause t hey are u n w a t c h a b l e , a n d I w o u l d l ike y o u t o give m e b a c k m y m o n e y please, because I pa id t h e m o n e y to w a t c h v ideos tha t h a d s o m e t h i n g o n t h e m , n o t v ideos tha t h a d n o t h i n g o n t h e m . '

T h e m a n b e h i n d t h e c o u n t e r l o o k e d as if h e m i g h t b r e a k d o w n u n d e r t h e w e i g h t o f s o r r o w I h a d j u s t p l aced u p o n h i m . H e p u l l e d o u t t h e p i e c e o f p a p e r u p o n w h i c h earl ier I h a d s igned m y n a m e . W o u l d M a d a m care t o regard t h e p i ece o f p a p e r a n d realize tha t t he r e was n o t h i n g h e c o u l d do? It is mys t e r i ous t o m e now, w h e n such inc iden t s f o r m e d t h e fabric o f everyday life, w h y o n e i n c i ­d e n t r a the r t h a n a n o t h e r s h o u l d l ight t h e fuse o f tha t s tar t l ing anger .

' I t is t r u e tha t t h e v ideos are e m p t y b u t y o u see, M a d a m , tha t is n o t m y j o b . I a m n o t t h e owner . '

' T h e n please m a y I speak t o t h e owner . ' 'Yes, b u t h e is n o t here . ' ' W h e r e is h e ? ' ' H e lives in B o m b a y , M a d a m . ' I d id n o t care a b o u t t h e m o n e y ; I cared a b o u t logic . I felt m y

c h i n t r e m b l e s tupidly . I raised m y vo ice . H i s features acqu i r ed tha t impassiveness w h i c h is i m p e r v i o u s t o p lea o r rage. H e h a d g o n e away ins ide . I left, defeated, a n d t h r o u g h t h e w i n d o w w a t c h e d h i m replace t h e v ideos o n t h e shelf r eady for t h e n e x t c u s t o m e r .

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For t i f ied w i t h s o m e fr iends f r o m D r R a m a Kr ishna ' s d e p a r t ­m e n t I r e t u r n e d to t h e vil lage, a p o l o g i z e d for any m i s u n d e r ­s t and ing a n d o n c e again exp l a ined m y pos i t i on . N o w , it s e e m e d , I was t h e m o s t p o p u l a r p e r s o n in B h o p a v a n d . I was g lu t t ed w i t h tea, apo log ies c a m e f rom r i g h t a n d left - all o f w h i c h , I sus ­p e c t e d , h a d m o r e to d o w i t h fear o f reprisals for t h e s t o n i n g t h a n any heartfel t affection for m e . Neve r the l e s s it was ag reed tha t a p h o t o g r a p h e r c o u l d take p ic tures o f t h e camels s w i m m i n g t h e c h a n n e l . Ins tead o f r e m a i n i n g nea r t h e vil lage I set u p m y t e n t o n t h e nea rby f a r m o f a n o t h e r R a b a r i w h o m a i n t a i n e d a h o u s e in B h o p a v a n d b u t p re fe r red t o live ou t s ide t h e a m b i t o f its res t r ic t ions . H e w o r k e d f rom before d a w n un t i l after d u s k o n his f a rm, as d id t h e rest o f his family, b u t a n y profits i m m e d i a t e l y w e n t t o p a y i n g off his l o a n for t h e p u r c h a s e o f t h e land . Please, h e asked, w o u l d I f ind h i m a j o b in K u w a i t o r Saudi Arabia? I p r o m i s e d I w o u l d t ry .

Di l ip ' s a p p r o a c h to t h e can t anke rous ci t izens o f B h o p a v a n d was tha t t h e y c o u l d b e b o u g h t off a n d h e was , o f course , r igh t . M o n e y f lowed o u t o f his p o c k e t a n d in r e t u r n t h e w o r l d was offered. W e w e r e l ed o n c a m e l - b a c k t o t h e shoo t . After it was over, a n d e v e r y ­o n e else h a d r e t u r n e d t o t h e village, I ges tu red to t h e li t t le b o y l e a d i n g m y came l . H e g r i n n e d , g o t u p b e h i n d m e a n d w e ga l loped b a c k across t h e flats. T h e w h o l e vil lage was wa i t ing , w e a r i n g t h e k inds o f express ion tha t said ' I f she can r i d e a came l l ike tha t , she can ' t b e all bad. ' A n d Se ru , t h e l eader o f t h e pack , t h e o n e w h o h a d b e e n t h e first t o play w i t h m e a n d t h e first t o s t o n e m e , m a d e a b o w so full o f sarcasm tha t I c o u l d o n l y l a u g h a n d b o w in r e t u r n .

After Di l ip left I w e n t h u n t i n g for Pala bha i . A t t h e vil lage w h e r e I h e a r d h e m i g h t be , I was g r e e t e d b y re t r ea t ing backs . T h e m e n d id n o t k n o w w h e r e Pala b h a i was . H a d n o t , it s e e m e d , ever h e a r d o f Pala bha i . T h e w o m e n b e g a n t o cluster a r o u n d m e . A fat, surly o n e sized m e u p a n d p r o n o u n c e d , 'She ' l l n e v e r m a k e it.' W i t h a c o n t e m p t u o u s air she rose a n d flounced away, h e r m i n i o n s falling in b e h i n d her . T h e o ld ladies, s y m p a t h e t i c i n t h e face o f m y h u m i l i a t i o n , h a d n o t travelled t o t h e e d g e o f t h e w o r l d a n d b a c k as she h a d d o n e a n d therefore de fe r red t o her . Usua l ly m i g r a t i o n s w e r e local , t h o u g h s o m e dangs j o u r n e y e d ou t s ide t h e Gujara t

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borde r , d e p e n d i n g o n seasonal rains. B u t i n o n e par t icu lar ly b a d year m a n y p e o p l e h a d a b a n d o n e d Gujara t a l t oge the r a n d travelled d e e p i n t o M a d h y a P radesh , r e t u r n i n g , l ike this w o m a n , o n l y for c e r e m o n i a l , r i tua l a n d cul tura l t ies. Even tua l ly these l inks t o o wi l l sever, as t h e y have in t h e past . T h e fat l ady h a d b e e n ' o u t ' for t h r e e years . D u r i n g h e r t i m e away, she h a d l ea rn t s o m e H i n d i a n d she h a d b e c o m e wor ld ly , w h i c h in these t imes m e a n t defensive a n d r u d e .

A c o u p l e o f h e r l i eu tenan t s c a m e back , i n s t r u c t e d in w h a t t o say b y the i r leader .

'We ' l l t ake h e r if she ' l l w e a r b lack w o o l l ike us. ' 'We ' l l t ake h e r if she ' l l ag ree to b e t a t t o o e d - n e c k , face, h a n d s

and legs.' ' I f she ' l l have large ho les m a d e in h e r ears for t h e silver.' ' I f she c a n d r i n k d i t ch w a t e r that 's g r e e n o r black. ' ' I f she can g o for days w i t h n o w a t e r at all, n o t h i n g b u t sheep o r

c a m e l milk. ' ' I f she can w a l k o n even w i t h h e r blisters b leed ing . ' A c r o n e w i t h p e b b l e glasses set a skew o n h e r face s t o p p e d t h e

t a u n t i n g , t o u c h e d m y h a n d a n d said, 'You see, w e c a n n o t take y o u because it is t o o ha rd a n d t o o d a n g e r o u s for y o u . Bes ides , o the r s wi l l t h i n k w e have k i d n a p p e d you . '

Pala's d a n g h a d left w i t h m y m o n e y b u t w i t h o u t m e . I h a d missed t h e Baabara e x o d u s in Ra ja s than . I cal led N a r e n d r a a n d wa i l ed i n t o t h e p h o n e . Yet w h e n I p u t d o w n t h e receiver, I f o u n d myse l f l e a p i n g a r o u n d t h e h o t e l r o o m , ye l l ing th ings l ike y i p p e e a n d h o o r a y . T h e d o o r t o t h e d u n g e o n in w h i c h I h a d b e e n l iv ing for a yea r was o p e n . I w o u l d w r i t e a l o n g le t te r t o t h e ed i tors a po lo g i z i ng for m y signal failure t o c o m e u p w i t h t h e g o o d s , r e t u r n w h a t m o n e y was left, a n d tha t w o u l d leave m e free to d o this t h i n g in m y o w n way , at m y o w n pace , o n a shoes t r ing , w i t h o u t t h e pressure o f p h o t o g r a p h s o r s to ry l ine . I w o u l d stay h e r e for a year, s tudy t h e l anguage , live w i t h p e o p l e , w r i t e m y b o o k .

B u t I cou ldn ' t , because u n d e r n e a t h t h e j o y , l ike m u d , lay P ro t e s t an t guil t .

T w o days later N a r e n d r a , p r i n c e a m o n g m e n , a r r ived . H e h a d d r i v e n s traight f rom J o d h p u r — five h u n d r e d mi les .

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W e w e n t b a c k t o R a n g k a bha i , t h e first K u t c h i R a b a r i D r R a m a K r i s h n a h a d i n t r o d u c e d m e to , a n d w h o m I h a d l iked so wel l . H i s u n c l e P h a g u h a d left w i t h his d a n g t h r ee days before . H e , R a n g k a , w o u l d g o t he re i m m e d i a t e l y w i t h t h e D o c t o r a n d N a r e n ¬ dra, t o talk t o t h e m . M e a n w h i l e I s h o u l d stay w i t h R a n g k a ' s wife , Jasu — a p roposa l w h i c h , I real ized, was a k i n d o f test. It was she w h o w o u l d have t h e final say as t o w h e t h e r I was m i g r a t i o n ma te r i a l o r n o t .

W e h u d d l e d t o g e t h e r u n d e r t h e shade o f a sp indly t ree — Jasu, h e r s i s te r - in- law a n d several b a b y goats w h i c h cu r l ed in m y a rms . M y h e a d was o n t h e girl's s t o m a c h j a s u snored . W h e n she w o k e she t o o k a m i r r o r f rom h e r b l o u s e a n d a d d e d k o h l t o h e r eyes, t h e n t o m i n e . W e m a n a g e d to c o m m u n i c a t e a b o u t t h e i m p o r t a n t th ings - c lo thes a n d m a k e - u p . D i d I h a p p e n t o have any nai l po l i sh w i t h m e ? I h a d b e e n t o ld tha t t h e R a b a r i w e r e ' ve ry i n n o c e n t o f re la t ionships ' , w h i c h was w h y t hey h a d few ch i ld ren . W h e n I asked these t w o w h y they h a d smaller families t h a n o t h e r village p e o p l e , t h e y rep l ied tha t it m u s t b e God ' s p u n i s h m e n t because t h e y b r o k e t h e l aw b y ea t ing m u t t o n . H o w R a b a r i l i k e tha t answer was . T h e y are c o n s u m m a t e dissemblers t o t h e ou t s ide w o r l d , t ru th fu l t o t h e d e a t h w i t h each o the r . R a b a r i w o m e n use w h a t e v e r b i r t h c o n t r o l t e c h n o l o g y t hey can lay t he i r hands o n ; I k n e w this f rom t h e d o c t o r s a n d nurses at t h e local hospi ta l .

I h a d b r o u g h t fizzy d r inks b u t b o t h w o m e n spat t h e stuff o u t , h a v i n g never tas ted it be fore . Tea on ly , please. T h e y t o o k the i r s e w i n g o u t o f c o l o u r e d bags , s t i t ched away a n d asked ques t ions . T h e y o u n g e r w o m a n b r o k e t iny m i r r o r s o n t h e side o f a t in for h e r e m b r o i d e r y . T h e m i r r o r s , she said, w e r e to scare away t igers . B u t t he r e are n o t igers i n K u t c h I p o i n t e d o u t . Yes, she agreed , b u t be fore (eight h u n d r e d years o r so) h e r p e o p l e h a d c o m e f rom Ra jas than , a n d in R a j a s t h a n t he re w e r e t igers .

W h e n t h e m e n r e t u r n e d Jasu sugges ted tha t I b u y a goa t f rom t h e m for five h u n d r e d r u p e e s (fifty r u p e e s above t h e m a r k e t p r i ce ) , t h e n she w o u l d ge t h e r M u s l i m fr iends to kill it. She w o u l d c o o k it a n d e v e r y o n e w o u l d eat it in ce leb ra t ion o f m y b e c o m i n g p a r t o f t h e family. I offered to take t h e m i n t o t h e neares t t o w n for tea. T h e y m i m e d sashaying t h r o u g h t h e streets o f Anjar, s w i n g i n g m y h a n d a n d s h o w i n g off t o t h e lesser mor t a l s w h o d id n o t p o s ­sess a p e t ' A n g r e z ' . I h a d passed t h e test.

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R a n g k a b r o u g h t g o o d n e w s a n d b a d n e w s . Yes, P h a g u w o u l d cons ide r h a v i n g m e w i t h t h e m . H o w e v e r , I w o u l d have to p r o v i d e m y o w n came l a n d gear as t h e y h a d n o n e spare. K o j u a n d m y friends f r o m t h e d e p a r t m e n t w e n t off i n search o f a c ame l t o purchase , N a r e n d r a a n d I w e n t b a c k to t h e h o t e l t o pack . E v e r y ­t h i n g I n e e d e d , i n c l u d i n g t w o camels , was b a c k in J o d h p u r . I w o u l d have to w i n g it.

B y a f t e r n o o n a came l h a d b e e n f o u n d — a y o u n g bul l o w n e d b y s o m e Ju ts . W e w e n t t o c h e c k h i m o u t . Jus t as w i t h p e o p l e , o n e can take an ins tan t l ik ing o r dis l iking to pa r t i cu la r animals . R a m R a h i m was wi l l ing , s w e e t - t e m p e r e d , o b e d i e n t , a n d h e d idn ' t chase o r b i t e p e o p l e - a h o i po l lo i camel . I h o p p e d o n his back , w e n t for a fast pace in t h e e v e n i n g l ight a n d d e c i d e d tha t I l iked h i m ve ry m u c h .

H e w o u l d have to b e t r u c k e d to t h e dang . A n d I w o u l d have t o h u r r y to ca tch u p w i t h it. T h e r e was n o t i m e t o sor t t h r o u g h m y luggage o f w h i c h t he re was far t o o m u c h , a n d n o t i m e t o t h i n k . P h a g u b h a i h a d t r u c k e d his l ambs across t h e Li t t le R a n n o f K u t c h , a vast s t re tch o f salt a n d m u d flats i n u n d a t e d , o n c e a year, b y seawater a n d f loods. T h e flocks, shephe rds a n d s o m e o f t h e w o m e n w i t h the i r camels h a d p u s h e d a long at t h i r ty miles a day, t he r e b e i n g n o feed t o s top for. W e c a u g h t u p w i t h t h e m as t h e y w e r e pu l l i ng i n t o c a m p i n a r i v e r - b e d . I m m e d i a t e l y t hey asked m e if I w o u l d dr ive b a c k a few mi les t o p i c k u p t h r e e m e n a n d s o m e sheep w h o w e r e t o o e x h a u s t e d t o m o v e any fur ther . T h e m e n h a d n o food .

W h e n I w e n t t o col lec t t h e m , t h e sheep s e e m e d bare ly c o n ­scious a n d t h e m e n l o o k e d l ike corpses . B a c k at c amp , n i g h t was falling a n d t h e w o m e n w e r e b r i n g i n g in h u g e b u n d l e s o f Afr ican t h o r n o n the i r heads for t h e c o o k i n g fires, o r t h r a sh ing t h e piles w i t h t e n - f o o t sticks t o b l u n t t h e pr ick les . O t h e r s h a d w a l k e d a m i l e t o a we l l a n d w e r e ca r t ing b a c k t h r e e large brass po t s s tacked o n the i r heads . T h e m e n w e r e b r i n g i n g in t h e sheep , five t h o u s a n d o f t h e m . E v e r y o n e h a d b e e n w o r k i n g n o n - s t o p s ince five o ' c l o c k tha t m o r n i n g . Yet t h e s o u n d s o f l a u g h t e r a n d g ree t ings rose above t h e c l a m o u r o f t h e sheep.

E a c h family c lus tered a r o u n d o n e o r t w o cha rpo i s o n w h i c h t h e gear, f ood a n d saddles w e r e p laced , a n d o n t o p o f w h i c h w e r e

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var ious h a n d m a d e quil ts . T h e w o m e n a n d ch i ld ren slept o n these , b e t w e e n t w o a n d five t o a b e d . E a c h c a m p was m a y b e t w e n t y yards away f rom t h e n e i g h b o u r ' s , far e n o u g h for a li t t le p r ivacy b u t n o t so far tha t a s h o u t e d j o k e c o u l d n o t b e apprec ia ted . E a c h family's camels w e r e t e t h e r e d t w e n t y feet away f rom t h e c a m p . T h r e e rocks in a t r i angle f o r m e d t h e stove, b e h i n d w h i c h was t h e b u n d l e o f hel l ish sticks a n d in front o f w h i c h sat o n e o r t w o w o m e n in t he i r b lack w o o l , facing inwards , heavy silver balls d a n ­g l ing f rom t h e r ims o f t he i r ears, s w i n g i n g to t h e r h y t h m of ro l l ­ing , s lapping, pa t t i ng , p o u n d i n g d o u g h . A r o u n d this tableau vivant s t o o d sheep a n d goats , so t i red a n d so s tup id t h e y s inged the i r noses o n t h e fire.

T h e nego t i a t i ons w e r e d o n e in the i r o w n l anguage so I h a d n o idea w h a t was g o i n g o n . Pala, t h e m u k k i w h o h a d d isappeared w i t h m y m o n e y , h a d b e e n a b h o p a a n d h a d c a r r i e d h imse l f w i t h t h e self-consciousness f i t t ing t o his s ta t ion. P h a g u , o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , d id n o t p ro jec t godl iness . H e p r o j e c t e d naugh t iness — if it's possible for a tall, t h in , s t o o p e d , e legant m a n t o l o o k n a u g h t y . H e g lanced at m e f rom t i m e t o t ime , his eyes n a r r o w e d w i t h specu la ­t i on , t h e n c r i n k l i n g in a m u s e m e n t . Even tua l ly it was c o n f i r m e d tha t I c o u l d travel w i t h t h e m a n d t h e fiscal a r r a n g e m e n t s w o u l d b e as follows: P h a g u s d a u g h t e r a n d n iece , Jaivi a n d P a r m a , w o u l d c o o k a n d fe tch w a t e r for m e , a n d N a k k i , his wife , w o u l d l oad t h e camel . I w o u l d p r o v i d e m y o w n mi l le t a n d I w o u l d pay t w o t h o u s a n d five h u n d r e d r u p e e s a m o n t h . T h i s was a large a m o u n t o f m o n e y for t h e m , t h o u g h as R a n g k a said later, ' I f t h e y d idn ' t l ike y o u , y o u c o u l d offer t h e m t e n t imes as m u c h a n d they 'd t u r n y o u d o w n . '

W e drove b a c k to w h e r e t h e l ambs w e r e b e i n g h e l d a n d w h e r e m y fr iends a n d I w o u l d s p e n d a n igh t . N a k k i g r e e t e d m e t a k i n g b o t h m y hands a n d l ead ing m e to t h e fire for tea. S o m e h o w it was easy to tell t ha t she was h e a d o f t h e w o m e n ' s w o r l d , j u s t as P h a g u was h e a d o f t h e m e n ' s . T h e r e w e r e j u s t a few o l d e r w o m e n a n d ch i ld ren here , c a m p e d b y t h e side o f a t h u n d e r o u s h i g h w a y , close t o a p i t full o f faeces a n d fes ter ing wate r , a n d t w o h u n d r e d yards f rom a s t o n e - c r u s h i n g mi l l w h i c h c h u r n e d o u t decibels a n d dust . T h i s w o u l d b e o u r ' res t ing p l a c e ' for a day o r t w o w h i l e e v e r y o n e r ecovered f rom the i r race across t h e R a n n .

n o

In t h e m o r n i n g N a r e n d r a was uncharac te r i s t ica l ly g l u m . ' I 'd d o a n y t h i n g for y o u bu t , please, d o n ' t ask m e to c a m p o u t again. G o d , was I uncomfor t ab l e . '

So, I t h o u g h t t o myself, there 's a t race o f t h e pa lace left i n m y an t i - feuda l f r iend after all.

H e k e p t pu l l i ng th ings o u t o f his l uggage saying, 'You m i g h t n e e d this . B e t t e r take a f ew o f these. '

' B u t N a r e n d r a I 've g o t t o o m u c h . . .' ' F o r o n c e in y o u r life, yaar, d o n ' t argue. ' R a m R a h i m a r r ived b y t r u c k . I t e t h e r e d h i m n e x t t o m y o w n

c a m p - a f o l d - u p m e t a l c o t sagging u n d e r t h e w e i g h t o f suitcases, bedro l l , t en t , saddle a n d suppl ies . A t last t h e g o o d b y e s c o u l d b e p o s t p o n e d n o longer . I w a v e d t o m y van i sh ing j e e p a n d t u r n e d to face m y ' fami ly ' w i t h w h o m I h a d app rox ima te ly t w e n t y w o r d s in c o m m o n .

9

T h e r e is n o t h i n g so f rust ra t ing as b e i n g w i t h p e o p l e u p o n w h o m y o u d e p e n d for survival, f rom w h o m the re is m u c h t o discover, w h o m y o u l ike a g rea t dea l a n d w h o s e e m t o l ike y o u , w h o w a n t t o k n o w e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t y o u — a n d h a v i n g t o b e h a v e as if s o m e ­o n e h a d c u t y o u r t o n g u e o u t a n d a b i t o f b r a in as wel l . 'Kya? ' I w o u l d say, r i g h t ear c r aned forward , m o u t h h a n g i n g o p e n . T h e ladies w e r e pa t i en t , as n o d o u b t t hey always are w i t h vil lage id io ts . Q u e s t i o n s w o u l d b e r e p e a t e d l o u d e r a n d s lower un t i l eventua l ly t h e y w o u l d sigh a n d shake the i r heads , o r pea l w i t h l a u g h t e r a n d give m e a clap o n t h e s h o u l d e r be fore g o i n g a b o u t t he i r business . 'Samji natti , ' t h ey w o u l d say (doesn ' t u n d e r s t a n d ) w h e n e v e r s o m e ­o n e n e w t r i e d to address m e . P rev ious ly I h a d t e n d e d to l e a rn l anguages ve ry qu ick ly , a l t h o u g h I forgot t h e m at t h e same s p e e d w h e n I h a d n o use for t h e m . B u t India 's o n e t h o u s a n d , seven h u n d r e d m o t h e r t o n g u e s h a d defea ted b e t t e r l inguists t h a n m e .

A n d y e t h o w qu ick ly o n e learns tha t o t h e r l anguage o f ges ture a n d inference , i n this case a u g m e n t e d b y a few p rec ious w o r d s a n d s o m e phrases f rom Teach Yourself Gujarati, a fascinat ing lit t le b o o k w h i c h c o n t a i n e d such sen tences as: ' t h e l o c k o f y o u r m u s k e t is rus ty ' , ' y o u wil l b e h a n g e d t o m o r r o w ' a n d 'a sepoy sho t h imsel f ' — b u t n o w h e r e m e n t i o n e d g r a m m a r . I h a d also t h o u g h t t o b r i n g slates a n d crayons for t h e ch i ld ren a n d b o o k s o f t h e Gujara t i a lphabe t for m e .

T h u s e q u i p p e d I was n o w m a d e to u n d e r s t a n d tha t I s h o u l d t each t h e ch i ld ren h o w to read a n d w r i t e . As y o u d o n o t n e e d t o speak a l anguage t o m a k e a s o u n d a n d d r a w t h e s y m b o l for it, I t h o u g h t I w o u l d t ry . W e sat for a c o u p l e o f h o u r s u n d e r an acacia, t h e w o m e n occasional ly m o c k - t h r e a t e n i n g the i r offspring if t h e y

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d idn ' t w o r k ha rd , un t i l an o lde r b o y c a m e in f rom t h e he rds , asking his b ro the r , a t w e l v e - y e a r - o l d , t o r e t u r n to w o r k . T h e b o y i g n o r e d h i m , e a r n i n g h imse l f a t u g o n t h e ea r r i ng . H e h o w l e d a n d literally t h r e w h imse l f i n t o his grannie ' s lap, s o b b i n g a n d c l u t c h i n g at h e r b lack skirts w h i l e his b r o t h e r , c a u g h t b e t w e e n c o m p a s s i o n a n d n o t w a n t i n g to cave in t o t h e boy's h is t r ionics , laid a c o u p l e o f r e luc tan t c louts t o his b a c k thus m a k i n g t h e s o b b i n g l o u d e r a n d t h e b u r r o w i n g deeper . T h i s was t h e first a n d last t i m e I ever saw a ch i ld chastised. G r a n n i e , u n a b l e t o resist so d i rec t a n d physical a plea , gen t ly to ld t h e b r o t h e r t o leave t h e b o y a lone . T h e s h e p h e r d w e n t off t o t h e animals m u t t e r i n g ; t h e b o y j u m p e d up , tears f o r g o t ­t en , a n d o n c e m o r e appl ied his a t t e n t i o n t o t h e slate w i t h a k i n d o f frenzy. B u t h e w r o t e t h e let ters sideways o r ups ide d o w n , a n d h o w d o y o u exp la in tha t t h e a l i g n m e n t o f a le t te r is as i m p o r t a n t as its shape? W e m o v e d o n to n u m b e r s . I d r e w o n e do t , t w o dots , t h r e e do ts , w i t h t h e n u m b e r bes ide . T h e y r epea t ed t h e dri l l un t i l I t h o u g h t tha t I wasn ' t s u c h a b a d teacher . T h e n w h e n I asked t h e m t o w r i t e d o w n t h e n u m b e r o f pebbles I h e l d in m y h a n d , t h e y d r e w t h r e e dots . Phagu ' s a n d Nakk i ' s y o u n g e s t daugh te r , H a t t i , a t e n - y e a r - o l d w i t h such hea l thy se l f -es teem she r i sked b e i n g a p a i n in t h e arse, h a d b e e n s h o w i n g off a b o m i n a b l y by w r i t i n g every le t te r perfect ly . She was b e i n g t u t o r e d b y P a r m a , h e r aun t i e , w h o in t u r n h a d b e e n t a u g h t t o read a n d w r i t e b y a n o t h e r m e m b e r o f h e r family w h e n she was a chi ld .

T h e ch i ld ren we re , every o n e o f t h e m , del ightful c o m p a n y b u t it was Nag j i w i t h w h o m I h a d fallen in love. H e was t h e sweetes t little b o y imag inab le . H e h a d o n l y to l o o k at y o u a n d his w h o l e face o p e n e d in a smile. H e was dressed in b r i g h t floppy t rousers , t i g h t e n e d at t h e ank le w i t h e m b r o i d e r y , a n d an e m b r o i d e r e d vest l aced w i t h silver. H e s t o o d gaz ing off i n t o vistas, legs apar t , a r m s fo lded across his chest a n d t h o u g h t d e e p t h o u g h t s . E v e n t h e w e e p ­i n g sores a r o u n d his m o u t h c o u l d n o t de t rac t f rom his lovableness. H e was a lmos t seven years o ld a n d s m o k e d a c h i l l u m like a professor.

I t was to take Nag j i t o a d o c t o r tha t w e w o m e n w a l k e d i n t o M o r b i tha t a f t e r n o o n . T h e y w e r e exhaus t ing , these larger t o w n s , n o t j u s t because o f t h e no i se a n d p o l l u t i o n a n d chaos b u t because t h e y el ici ted, at t h e same t ime , c o n t r a r y e m o t i o n s — exc i t a t i on a n d

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b o r e d o m . C o n f r o n t e d w i t h t h e m a i n street , I t o o k a b r e a t h a n d hes i ta ted . S o m e o n e gave m e a li t t le shove b e t w e e n t h e s h o u l d e r blades , as y o u m i g h t t o a chi ld s t and ing o n t h e e d g e o f a s w i m m i n g - p o o l .

' W h e r e is t h e hospi ta l? ' N a k k i asked a passer-by. ' W h i c h hospi ta l? ' 'Pr ivate , ' c a m e t h e reply i n i m p e c c a b l e m i d - c o u n t i e s Engl i sh . T h e r e w e r e a b o u t t w e n t y p e o p l e w a i t i n g in t h e surgery , s i t t ing

o n t h e c e m e n t floor. W e f o u n d places for ourselves a n d t h e n t h e doc to r , see ing a E u r o p e a n a m o n g his pa t ien ts , s u m m o n e d m e i n t o his office. F o r ever after, t h e R a b a r i , shameless a b o u t q u e u e -j u m p i n g , w o u l d w a n t m e t o a c c o m p a n y t h e m t o clinics. Nag j i s u b m i t t e d t o t h e p r o b i n g b u t w h e n t h e nu r se p u t h i m o n a b e d a n d b r o u g h t o u t a tray o f i n s t r u m e n t s o f t o r t u r e , h e p e r m i t t e d h imse l f a silent c ry .

'You m u s t feed h i m fresh fruit a n d vegetables, ' said t h e d o c t o r tersely, first i n Engl i sh , t h e n in Gujarat i .

O h sure, I t h o u g h t . G r o w n o n a camel 's h u m p , I suppose . After tha t it was d o w n t h e steps l ike released bi rds a n d across

t h e s treet t o t h e c h e m i s t t o p i c k u p t h e m e d i c i n e s . T h e o w n e r o f t h e shop , fat as bef i t t ed his social pos i t i on , sat at t h e front b y t h e till, i n a state o f s o m n a m b u l a n c e . H i s s e c o n d in c o m m a n d , t h i n n e r t h a n h e , t o o k t h e o r d e r a n d s h o u t e d it t o a th i rd p e r s o n , an e m a c i ­a ted lit t le m a n , w h o fe r re ted a m o n g t h e shelves, cabine ts a n d boxes o f t h e m i n i a t u r i z e d shop . T h e r e w e r e fo rms to fill o u t . E v e r y t h i n g s e e m e d to p r o c e e d i n s low m o t i o n . T h e t i m e is m o n e y m o d e has n o t y e t i nvaded rura l India . W h e n t h e purchases w e r e c o m p l e t e I h a d g a t h e r e d t h e usual c r o w d . ' F r o m w h i c h c o u n t r y ? ' c o u l d b e h e a r d f rom var ious m o u t h s , a l o n g w i t h g i g ­g l ing a n d t h e inevi tab le d e m a n d s for m o n e y a n d p en s . If y o u answer this q u e s t i o n as I h a d , i n n o c e n t l y , i n t h e past, t h e q u e s t i o n is t h e n r e p e a t e d b y e v e r y b o d y w i t h i n ea r sho t a n d t h e l a u g h t e r c rescendos . M o r e p e o p l e gather , m o r e p e o p l e s h o u t ' F r o m w h i c h c o u n t r y ? ' a n d b e g i n to jos t l e e ach o t h e r t o ge t a b e t t e r g l impse o f t h e freak, un t i l y o u f ind you r se l f t h e focus o f a mi ld ly hyster ical m o b . D i g n i t y d e m a n d s tha t y o u p r e t e n d it is n o t the re . It is, I suppose , d iv ine r e t r i b u t i o n for t h e t r e a t m e n t y o u r w h i t e n e s s receives i n ce r t a in d o c t o r s ' surger ies .

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T h e p h a l a n x o f ladies d r e w m e away f rom t h e r e a n d u p a gully. A m a n si t t ing at t h e front o f his j e w e l l e r y s h o p c r i ed ou t , ' F r o m w h i c h c o u n t r y ? ' W e h u r r i e d past b u t h e cal led after us . 'P lease c o m e . I speak Engl i sh . N o n e e d b u y . Take chai w i t h me . ' T h e w o r d ' t ea ' s t o p p e d N a k k i i n h e r t racks . She l ed m e b a c k to t h e m a n w h o , o n l e a r n i n g I was Aust ra l ian , l isted eve ry c r icke t h e r o m y c o u n t r y h a d p r o d u c e d . H e o r d e r e d tea for us all ( N a k k i d e ­m a n d e d coffee), w h i c h c a m e in glasses in a w i r e cra te del ivered b y a li t t le boy . I was g iven o n e chair , N a k k i a n o t h e r , a n d t h e r e m a i n ­i n g w o m e n sat o n t h e steps. H a d N a k k i lifted t h e glass t o h e r lips w i t h li t t le f inger c rook 'd , I w o u l d n o t have b e e n surpr i sed . I c o u l d read h e r m i n d . H a v i n g m e a r o u n d c o n t a i n e d h i d d e n benef i ts . A lit t le later w h e n she was c h o o s i n g plastic sandals for H a t t i , t h e s h o e wal lah t h r e a t e n e d h e r w i t h raised a r m for f i nge r ing t h e m e r ­chandise . B u t t h e m o m e n t h e saw m e N a k k i c o u l d t o u c h as m a n y sandals as she l iked.

If I h a d t o n a m e t h e qua l i ty w h i c h I m o s t a d m i r e a n d e n v y in t h e ma jo r i t y o f Indians , it w o u l d b e t h e capaci ty for pa t i ence , w h i c h is a n o t h e r w a y o f desc r ib ing an abili ty s imply to be , w i t h ­o u t anx ie ty . I a d m i r e a n d e n v y it because I a m d e v o i d o f it. T h o s e h o u r s spen t s i t t ing o n t h e g r o u n d w a i t i n g for m y fr iends to p u r ­chase t he i r stores, w i t h n o t h i n g to read, u n a b l e t o converse , s h o o ­i n g off flies a n d bes ide myse l f w i t h t e d i u m a n d restlessness, w e r e , i n t h e end , salutary. I l e a rn t t o forget h o w m e n t a l l y a n d physical ly u n c o m f o r t a b l e I was b y forc ing m y a t t e n t i o n o u t w a r d s . I m i g h t focus o n life's diversi ty sifting past o r s t r ike u p a ha l t i ng conve r sa ­t i o n w i t h a b e g g a r w h o h a d c o m e t o p i c k at m y sleeve. O r I m i g h t pul l an o r n i over m y h e a d a n d hal f d rowse for sixty seconds p r o p p e d against a d o o r p o s t . O r , fear ing tha t m a d n e s s m i g h t a r r ive any m i n u t e , a n d take m e s c r e a m i n g d o w n t h e gullies r i p p i n g m y ha i r o u t , I m i g h t repea t B h a w a n i ji 's m a n t r a w h i c h go t m e n o closer t o G o d b u t at least t o o k m e away f rom m y self.

B u t I d id n o t deve lop t h o s e t e c h n i q u e s for s o m e t i m e a n d o n tha t first s h o p p i n g e x p e d i t i o n t h e h o u r s h a d c a n n o n balls a t t a ched t o t he i r hee ls . A t last c a m e t h e final pu rchase , m y mi l le t seed. T h e w o m e n t o o k t iny p i n c h e s o f it t o chew, t h e n t h r e w t h e r e m a i n d e r b a c k in t h e sacks in disgust — t h e p r e a m b l e to ba rga in ing . As I was to l ea rn , t h e banias w e r e n o m a t c h for t h e m . T h e y gave u p i n

exaspera t ion , y e t b y t h e t i m e t h e last g ra in was m e a s u r e d o u t e v e r y o n e was smi l ing a n d cha t t ing , j u s t as I i m a g i n e d t h e Allies a n d Italians d id o n tha t C h r i s t m a s D a y m y father t o ld m e a b o u t , w h e n guns w e r e p u t away a n d m e n r e m e m b e r e d t h e y w e r e all m a d e in God ' s i m a g e . Jaivi t i ed m y mil le t i n a p i ece o f c lo th , p l aced it o n h e r h e a d a long w i t h t h e o t h e r purchases — sugar, sweets a n d o ranges for t h e ch i ld ren , o n i o n s , po t a toe s a n d c o r i a n d e r — a n d w e p r o c e e d e d t o t h e mil ler .

'Paisa. E k pen . ' ' F r o m w h i c h c o u n t r y ? ' ' G r e g C h a p e l l , Ian B o t h a m . . .' ' M e m s a h i b paisa, b h u k lagi, das r u p e e . . .' W e t o o k refuge in a t e n - b y - s i x - f o o t r o o m c o n t a i n i n g a d o z e n

o r so w o m e n , t h e mil l wal lah a n d his e lec t r ic mi l l , w h i c h y o u c o u l d bare ly see t h r o u g h t h e flour mis t . T h e gra in was t u r n e d o u t o n t h e floor a n d w e sat a r o u n d it o n g u n n y sacks, t h e n sieved it t h r o u g h large co landers several t imes . Weevi ls , bits o f stick, chaff a n d d i r t w e r e p i c k e d o u t b y h a n d w h i l e sweat r an d o w n t h e b o d y in runne l s , chaff i t c h e d t h e skin a n d eyes, a n d a k i n d o f g lue m a d e o f flour dus t a n d sweat c logged every orif ice. B u t n o n e o f tha t m a t t e r e d because h e r e w o m e n c o u l d m a k e c o n t a c t w i t h each o t h e r ou t s ide family o r c o m m u n i t y b o u n d a r i e s - t h e wise o ld w i t c h e s a n d t h e y o u n g wives — a n d e x c h a n g e i n f o r m a t i o n . T h e p re l iminar ies w e r e always t h e same in these s i tuat ions: h o w m a n y ch i ld ren each w o m a n had , h o w m a n y b r o t h e r s a n d sisters, a n d w h e r e e v e r y o n e was f rom. M y w o r t h as cur ios i ty p i e c e s o o n w a n e d , t h e t o w n w o m e n p r o c e e d e d to p u m p t h e R a b a r i w o m e n for n e w s o f o t h e r places a n d e v e r y o n e g o t d o w n to se r ious female po l i t i ck ing or, as it is fallaciously k n o w n , gossip.

A n h o u r la ter t h e c lean seed was g iven t o t h e mi l le r t o g r i n d , t h e flour was c a u g h t a n d t i ed u p in c lo th . W e dus t ed each o t h e r d o w n a n d t h e n it was t i m e t o w a l k h o m e . It was h o t , even at five o ' c l o c k a n d o u r b u n d l e s w e r e heavy . I b o u g h t e v e r y o n e a d r i n k f rom a roads ide v e n d o r w h o , b e h i n d his t iny cart , s q u e e z e d l e m o n s t h e size o f go l f balls, m i x e d t h e j u i c e w i t h c a r b o n a t e d water , t h e n c h i p p e d pieces off a b l o c k o f g reen i sh ice — a l u x u r y m o r e d e e p l y en joyed t h a n a b o t t l e o f K r u g c o u l d ever b e . After w h i c h N a k k i , t o m y del ight , ha i led an au to - r i ckshaw. Seven o f us s q u e e z e d i n t o

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this c o n t r a p t i o n , w h i c h w h e e z e d a l o n g at a b o u t t e n mi les an h o u r , c o u g h i n g b l u e fumes . T h e r e was a g o o d deal o f p r i c e hagg l ing before w e g o t i n a n d a li t t le m o r e at j o u r n e y ' s e n d . T h e n it was t i m e t o ga the r f i r ewood , fe tch w a t e r a n d c o o k . O u r day o f rest.

T h e first m a j o r c o m m u n i c a t i o n p r o b l e m o c c u r r e d o n t h e m o r n ­i n g o f d e p a r t u r e . I h a d far t o o m u c h luggage for o n e came l a n d h a d u n d e r s t o o d tha t P h a g u w o u l d d i s t r ibu te s o m e o f it a m o n g t h e o t h e r animals . B u t w h e n it was t i m e t o b r e a k c a m p , it was l o a d e d o n R a m R a h i m . I m i m e d c o n c e r n . P h a g u m i m e d b a c k tha t w e h a d n o cho ice . H e a n d I w o u l d take a sho r t r o u t e , t h r o u g h t h e cen t r e o f t o w n , l eav ing t h e d a n g t o g o t h e l o n g way , t he r eby avo id ing t h e b r ibes t h e y w o u l d have h a d to pay t o t h e officers ' g u a r d i n g ' t h e roads ide forests. P h a g u h a d a l ready was t ed five h u n d r e d r u p e e s o n t h e po l ice .

T h e road was a m a e l s t r o m o f t rucks , buses , j e e p s , A m b a s s a ­dors , scoo te rs , s coo t e r - r i ckshaws , b icycles , carts, p e o p l e , cows , buf­faloes, camels , goats a n d dogs . T h e s e c o n d t i m e t h e saddle s w u n g u n d e r R a m R a h i m ' s bel ly, sca t t e r ing po t s , pans a n d b e d ­d i n g over t h e road , I d e c i d e d to take t h e excess luggage b a c k t o a cafe nea r w h e r e w e h a d c a m p e d . P h a g u w o u l d wa i t a n d g u a r d t h e r e m a i n d e r . I w e n t t h r o u g h t h e gear ve ry qu ick ly , t h r o w i n g w h a t I t h o u g h t was e x t r a n e o u s i n t o a large suitcase. I t i ed t h e c a m e l u p ou t s ide t h e ' r es tauran t ' — a b r e e z e - b l o c k shack o p e n o n o n e side a n d full o f flies a n d t in tables — a n d ca r r i ed t h e suitcase in o n m y head . T h e p r o p r i e t o r t u c k e d it u n d e r his o w n b e d in t h e c o r n e r . R a m R a h i m was still ove r loaded a n d b y n o w so te r r i f ied tha t h e sh ied at passing t rucks . T h e luggage c a m e off again. P h a g u a n d I r e loaded h u n d r e d s o f p o u n d s in m i n u t e s . T h e camel 's n o s e p e g b led . I lost a c h u n k o f m y shin b u t r e ­m a i n e d obl iv ious o f it un t i l later. A noisy a u d i e n c e h a d g a t h ­e red b y t h e t i m e w e r e a c h e d t h e d a n g c a m p e d o n t h e o t h e r side o f M o r b i b e n e a t h a skyl ine o f c h i m n e y stacks, o n a p a t c h o f ea r th l i t t e red w i t h b r o k e n b r i cks , glass, ga rbage a n d h u m a n e x c r e m e n t .

Mag ica l ly e v e r y o n e k n e w j u s t w h a t h a d h a p p e n e d . P h a g u i n d i ­cated, ' R a t t i b e n , you u n l o a d t h e luggage , I'll t ie u p t h e camel . ' W h e n I o b e d i e n t l y t u r n e d to d o this , t h e y burs t o u t l a u g h i n g a n d P h a g u said, ' N o , y o u rest. N a k k i wi l l un load . ' H e p a t t e d m e o n t h e

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shou lder , t h e n w a l k e d away cack l ing t o himself, o r g a n i z i n g t h e shephe rds , w a d i n g t h r o u g h a sea o f several t h o u s a n d h u n g r y , s c r e a m ­i n g sheep a n d p i c k i n g o u t armfuls o f l ambs to b e t e t h e r e d for t h e n igh t . H e h a d n o t res ted s ince d a w n .

T h e r e was a sense o f u r g e n c y ge t t i ng all t h e w o r k d o n e b y nightfal l . T h e w o m e n ran bare foo t over s tones a n d t h o r n s , chas ing t h e l ambs . I t r i ed t o he lp t h e m b u t t h e dogs a t t acked m e as s o o n as I t o u c h e d t h e animals , especially o n e p sycho t i c b r u t e w i t h y e l l o w eyes. Nag j i pu l l ed m e a r o u n d b y t h e h a n d , t h r e a t e n i n g t h e dogs , t r y i n g t o exp la in w h i c h l ambs b e l o n g e d t o w h i c h c a m p a n d h o w t o t e t h e r t h e m b y t h e n e c k t o t h e l o n g g o a t - h a i r ropes rad ia t ing from each b e d . I w e n t t o a wel l w i t h t h e w o m e n b u t t o w n s p e o p l e fo l lowed m e l ike a p a c k o f h o w l e r m o n k e y s . I w a n t e d t o c rawl i n t o a h o l e a n d die . Jaivi p u t h e r a r m t h r o u g h m i n e , smi led h e r father's w r y smi le a n d said s o m e t h i n g l ike, 'Are y o u sure y o u w a n t t o live w i t h us? '

T h a t e v e n i n g a r o u n d t h e fires t he r e was a lo t o f talk a b o u t t h e day's p r o b l e m s . N a k k i i n par t i cu la r s e e m e d ve ry c o n c e r n e d a n d k e p t r e pea t i ng t h e w o r d ' c h o r ' , w h i c h m e a n s thief. S h e also r e ­p e a t e d ' b i scoo t ' , o n e o f t h e c o m m o d i t i e s I h a d a b a n d o n e d at t h e t r u c k s top cafe. S h e s e e m e d t o b e saying tha t m y luggage w o u l d b e s to len a n d tha t I s h o u l d r e t u r n for it . I d id n o t have t h e e n e r g y o r t h e capabi l i ty t o exp la in tha t s to len luggage was l o w o n m y list o f p r io r i t i e s j u s t n o w a n d if t h e res taura teur w a n t e d to eat m y biscuits h e was m o s t w e l c o m e to t h e m . N o r d id I realize tha t conversa t ions w e r e usually far less c o m p l i c a t e d t h a n I supposed . I t was ag reed tha t I r i d e R a m R a h i m b a c k in t h e m o r n i n g to r e ­t r ieve t h e luggage before t h e d a n g set off. Aga in , it s e e m e d tha t t h e excess w o u l d b e d i s t r ibu ted . I w e n t a l o n g w i t h eve ry th ing , n o d d i n g , smi l ing , ag ree ing , w i t h o u t really u n d e r s t a n d i n g w h a t was b e i n g said, un t i l at last I c l i m b e d o n to t h e m o u n t a i n r a n g e o n m y b e d , res ted m y h e a d against m y saddle a n d y e a r n e d for u n c o n s c i o u s ­ness w h i c h finally a r r ived at t h r ee o ' c l ock . T w o h o u r s la ter I was w o k e n b y m e n whis t l ing , c l icking, t r i l l ing a n d h o o t i n g t he i r m u s i c t o t h e flocks. All n i g h t t h e y h a d b e e n o n pat ro l , h i t t i n g sticks o n t h e g r o u n d a n d ra t t l ing th ings , t ak ing t u r n s s leeping o n t h e s tones o r g igg l ing at m e p u n c h i n g a n d cu r s ing t h e sheep w h i c h r u b b e d themse lves against m y c o t w i t h o u t cease. T h e goats l iked t o use

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t h e c o r n e r s o f t h e b e d to scra tch b e t w e e n t h e i r h o r n s , t h e b o n y pa r t u s e d for b u t t i n g w h i c h is n o t o n l y i m p e r v i o u s to t h e h u m a n fist b u t c a n c rack knuck le s as if t hey w e r e eggs. T h e y a c c e p t e d m y p u n c h e s as a sensual b o n u s — p r o o f o f m y affection — and leapt o n t h e b e d for m o r e .

E a c h s h e p h e r d h a d slightly different calls, var ia t ions o n a t h e m e , a n d t h e overall effect was s o m e t h i n g l ike A m a z o n i a n w o o d w i n d s w i t h percuss ion . T h e r e are m o r n i n g calls t o m o v e o u t , a call t o b r i n g t h e sheep t o wa te r , a n d so o n . T h e basic signals are t h e same b u t each area has, as it w e r e , its o w n dialect o f calls. M u s l i m graziers wi l l have a different dialect again. E a c h m a n k n o w s his o w n sheep , w h i c h m i g h t n u m b e r in t h e h u n d r e d s , a n d v ice versa, a n d his pa r t i cu la r flock wil l d i sen tangle itself f r o m t h e la rger flock a n d m o v e o u t b e h i n d h i m i n t h e m o r n i n g .

As t h e sky l i g h t e n e d p e o p l e c o u l d b e seen d i sappea r ing w i t h the i r lotis (water con ta ine r s ) , t h e n w e g a t h e r e d at t h e fires for tea. N a k k i asked if I 'd c l eaned m y t ee th , h a n d i n g m e a st ick o f acacia for t h e j o b . C h e w spit, c h e w spit, for ha l f an h o u r t o t h e r h y t h m o f d o u g h b e i n g s lapped i n t o shape. E v e r y m o r n i n g t h e same: h o t mi l le t rati (flat bread) w i t h a soup o f masala, ghee , salt a n d b u t t e r ­mi lk . A t n i g h t t h e same. Fresh goa t mi lk , o f cour se , if y o u c o u l d s t o m a c h it a n d t h e inevi table tea, d r u n k as an aper i t i f before meals , so s t rong a n d sweet it was l ike an in j ec t ion o f a m p h e t a m i n e .

P h a g u c l ipped t h e goats a n d w o u n d t h e ha i r i n t o skeins w h i c h h e w o u l d sell for ready cash in t o w n . After breakfast h e sen t t h e shepherds off w i t h t he i r flocks — a n d ins t ruc t ions . T h e camels w e r e let g o for f eed ing u n d e r t h e cha rge o f o n e u n t h wal lah . T h e n h e d i r ec t ed m e t o take off w i t h m y o h so h u n g r y little camel . I was r a the r p leased at t h e idea o f g o i n g b a c k o n m y o w n . B u t n o , P h a g u h a d o n l y b e e n k i d d i n g . H e w o u l d c o m e w i t h m e a n d n o t h i n g I c o u l d m i m e c o u l d dissuade h i m .

A t t h e cafe I h a d a b u c k e t - b a t h in a c o r n e r o f t h e k i t c h e n , offered P h a g u a m e a l w h i c h h e refused, r e t r i eved m y suitcase a n d b a c k w e w e n t t o t h e dang . I w o u l d have g iven a n y t h i n g t o really c o m m u n i c a t e w i t h this m a n , tell h i m h o w m u c h I apprec ia ted w h a t h e was d o i n g a n d h o w apo loge t i c I was at b e i n g such a nu i sance . B u t t h e w o r d s w e r e n o t available. W e t o o k tea t o g e t h e r i n M o r b i , s t and ing ou t s ide a dus ty little dabar (roadside ea te ry) . I

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b o u g h t s o m e l u c e r n e for m y came l a n d as s o o n as w e r e a c h e d t h e d a n g , P h a g u exp l a ined t o e v e r y o n e tha t a l t h o u g h t h e res taura teur h a d offered to hea t m e s o m e w a t e r t o b a t h e in , I h a d m a d e d o w i t h co ld . T h i s w o n m e b r o w n i e p o i n t s , as d id t h e sha r ing o u t o f b i s coo t .

A t a r o u n d t h r e e o ' c l o c k w e l o a d e d u p to leave. B u t this was t o o absurd . All t h e luggage was again p l aced o n R a m R a h i m . C o n ­fusion a n d helplessness. O u t o n t h e road , after spil l ing luggage for a radius o f t e n yards , after a lmos t los ing a f inger i n a snar l ing o f ropes , after s h o u t i n g at local ch i ld ren t o stay away f r o m t h e camel 's legs in a l anguage t h e y c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d , o r at s tup id y o u n g m e n w h o y a n k e d R a m R a h i m ' s nose l ine so tha t h e roa red in pa in , I h a n d e d t h e l ine to P a r m a , i nd i ca t ed tha t I w o u l d ca tch u p w i t h t h e m at t h e n e x t s t o p p i n g p lace a m i l e o r so fu r the r o n , t r i e d t o i g n o r e t h e c a c o p h o n y a r o u n d m e a n d m y luggage , w a i t e d for a pass ing r ickshaw, heaved e v e r y t h i n g i n t o it , s queezed mysel f i n o n t o p o f it a n d p o i n t e d in t h e d i r ec t i on o f t h e dang .

I r e a c h e d c a m p t o f ind P h a g u w a i t i n g for m e . H e l o o k e d at m y finger, i n s p e c t e d m y shin a n d said, ' T h i s is b a u taklif (big t rouble ) for y o u a n d taklif for us. ' ' B a u taklif,' I ag reed . Was h e t h i n k i n g b e t t e r o f his dec i s ion a n d s e n d i n g m e h o m e ? I h a d t o admi t , t h e idea h a d a ce r t a in appeal . M y b o d y ached , I was ready t o d rop , I w a n t e d t o cry . I w a n t e d t o kill t h e m o r o n s w h o g a t h e r e d a r o u n d m e g a w p i n g , p o i n t i n g , sh r i ek ing , even now, w i t h i n t h e p rec inc t s o f t h e c a m p . T h e r e was n o respi te f rom t h e m , n o w h e r e t o h i d e f rom t h e m . T h e y pressed ever closer, p o i n t e d m e o u t t o the i r ch i ld ren , sc ra tched the i r balls a n d stared. B u t m o s t o f all I c o u l d n o t b e a r t h e feel ing o f b e i n g such a liability t o m y hosts o r o f a t t r ac t ing these locals ins ide the i r w o r l d .

'I tell y o u w h a t I wi l l do, ' I s p o k e / m i m e d . 'I ' l l take t h e luggage b a c k to M o r b i a n d wa i t t h e r e un t i l a j e e p c o m e s t o p i c k i t u p . C a n I leave t h e came l w i t h y o u ? '

'Yes, y o u can, b u t h o w wi l l y o u stay o n y o u r o w n a n d w h e r e ? ' E v e n t h e s implest conversa t ions t o o k t i m e a n d effort, so h o w c o u l d I exp la in tha t b e i n g a lone in cities was m y na tu ra l state. I t r i e d t o say tha t h e m u s t n o t w o r r y a b o u t m e . I w o u l d t h r o w mysel f o n t h e m e r c y o f t h e c i r cu i t - house , usually rese rved for t ravel l ing pol i t ic ians a n d s u n d r y b igwigs . P h a g u d id n o t l ike t h e

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idea o f a b a n d o n i n g a w o m a n u n d e r his p r o t e c t i o n t o t h e evils o f a t o w n b u t h e h a d n o c h o i c e . Neve r the l e s s , h e insis ted o n c o m i n g in t h e r i c k s h a w w i t h m e a n d t h e luggage , m a k i n g sure I go t t h r o u g h to D r R a m a K r i s h n a a n d tha t I f o u n d a safe p lace to stay.

W e r a n g from o n e o f t h e t iny S T D b o o t h s t ha t can b e f o u n d in t h e r e m o t e s t c o r n e r s o f Ind ia . T h a t t h e y exist is s o m e t h i n g o f a mirac le , so o n e s h o u l d n o t g r u m b l e tha t t h e l ines are of ten i n a u d i ­ble . I have r u n g t h e w o r l d from these boxes a n d feel a grea t affec­t i o n a n d g ra t i t ude towards t h e m . I s c r eamed i n t o t h e rece iver un t i l m y face was r e d d e r t h a n t h e hea t h a d already m a d e it . S e n d . . . j e e p . . . M o r b i . . . c i r cu i t - house . A t last t h e message go t t h r o u g h . T h e n I h a n d e d t h e p h o n e to P h a g u , t h i n k i n g h e m i g h t w a n t t o a d d s o m e t h i n g . H e t o o k it dub ious ly , h e l d it a few inches f rom his go ld ea r r i ng , w h i s p e r e d a few w o r d s at it, s h r u g g e d a n d h a n d e d it b a c k to m e .

A t t h e c i r c u i t - h o u s e a m o s t ex t r ao rd ina ry t h i n g h a p p e n e d . P h a g u b e g a n to sh r ink . O n t h e d a n g I t h o u g h t o f h i m as an i m p o s i n g m a n in w h o s e face a h e i g h t e n e d in te l l igence a n d a u t h ­o r i t y was manifest . S o m e o n e y o u felt a l i t t le i n awe o f a n d w a n t e d to h u g at t h e same t i m e . S o m e o n e so special tha t his quali t ies w o u l d leap across any d iv is ion o f class, caste, cu l tu re . W h i l e P h a g u sh rank in this e n v i r o n m e n t , w i t h its gardens , b i t u m e n dr iveways a n d offices, I b e g a n t o fill o u t at t h e edges . I was in m y t e r r i t o r y , exp la in ing in Eng l i sh h o w grateful I w o u l d b e if t h e rules c o u l d b e b e n t a li t t le as I f o u n d mysel f i n a s t range p r e d i c a m e n t . T h e m a n agreed , t h e n g l anced over t o P h a g u , i nd i ca t ing tha t h e s h o u l d p i c k u p t h e l uggage a n d fo l low us. I w e n t t o p i c k u p luggage t o o , b u t a p o r t e r c a m e a n d t o o k it f rom m e . I n t h e fluorescent l ight o f t h e r o o m I was u s h e r e d i n t o I c o u l d see w h a t t h e m a n a g e r saw w h e n h e l o o k e d , o r r a the r d idn ' t l o o k , at P h a g u - g r u b b y t u r b a n , h u g e ea r r ings , h u m b l e d shou lde r s . O n e o f t h o s e co lour fu l l i t t le dots tha t m a k e u p t h e grea t b a c k d r o p o f I n d i a n life. H e was n o t r u d e t o P h a g u , n o t at all. B u t u n d e r his gaze P h a g u ceased to exist.

I h a d to ld mysel f tha t I w o u l d ge t u sed to this o r d e r i n g o f t h e w o r l d . To ld myse l f tha t t h e cur tness , o r rudeness , o r bu l ly ing , f rom o n e h i g h e r t o o n e l o w e r d o w n , was n o t necessar i ly hur t fu l t o t h e o n e b e n e a t h , w h o , i n his t u r n , w o u l d b e h a v e in t h e same m a n n e r

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t o t h o s e b e n e a t h h i m . It was s imply a signal s ta t ing one 's level i n t h e p y r a m i d , r e c o g n i z e d b y b o t h sides in t h e i n t e r c h a n g e as c o r ­rec t f o r m . B u t I d id n o t ge t used t o it, t h e n o r later. A n d it gave m e a n o t h e r reason for l i k ing t h e p e o p l e I t ravelled w i t h . A l t h o u g h t h e y w e r e p r o u d o f themse lves as a caste, t h e y s e e m e d t o exist s o m e w h e r e ou t s ide t h e m o r e r i g id h ierarchies o f se t t led p e o p l e . I n t h e m o n t h s a head I n e v e r o n c e saw t h e m s h o w d i scour tesy t o a n o t h e r h u m a n b e i n g , n o m a t t e r h o w lowly , n o r g r a tu i t ous c rue l ty t o a n o t h e r f o r m o f life.

P h a g u r e t u r n e d to t h e d a n g i n t h e r ickshaw. I b o l t e d t h e d o o r , c losed t h e shut te rs , t u r n e d off t h e l ights a n d h id .

10

' N a r e n d r a , I ' m at M o r b i c i rcu i t -house . ' ' I k n o w . I 've b e e n t r y i n g t o r i n g y o u . D o n ' t w o r r y . E v e r y t h i n g

wi l l ge t s o r t e d o u t . N o w , w h a t I suggest is . . .' R a n g k a bha i , t h e first R a b a r i I m e t , M a m u bha i , t h e R a b a r i

field officer a n d t w o o t h e r m e n e m p l o y e d b y D r R a m a K r i s h n a a r r ived t h e fo l lowing day in t h e d e p a r t m e n t j e e p . I was so grateful j u s t for t he i r p r e sence t ha t s o o n I h a d t h e m in st i tches, c h a r a d i n g t h e l o a d i n g o f luggage , t h e r u n n i n g after l ambs , t h e p u n c h i n g o f sheep at n igh t . M a m u exp l a ined in H i n d i t ha t e v e r y o n e , p e o p l e a n d animals , h a d b e e n v e r y t i red after the i r fast days across t h e R a n n , so p r o b l e m s w e r e par t icu lar ly u n m a n a g e a b l e for t h e m at tha t t i m e . As t o t h e confus ion over t h e re t r ieval o f m y suitcase, h e exp l a ined tha t ' c h o r ' does m e a n th i e f b u t 'chhor' m e a n s t o a b a n ­d o n . I n t h e l inguis t ic m u d d l e t h e y t h o u g h t tha t I w a n t e d t o g o b a c k to ge t t h e ' b i scoo t ' , a n d I t h o u g h t tha t t h e y w a n t e d m e to . T h i s i n d i c a t e d h o w far t h e R a b a r i h a d e x t e n d e d themse lves o n m y behalf, w i t h o u t c o m p l a i n t , w i t h o u t ques t i on , a n d at a t i m e w h e n it was m o s t difficult for t h e m t o d o so. I also u n d e r s t o o d a difference b e t w e e n mysel f a n d t h e m . T h e y h a d k n o w n life was difficult, a c c e p t e d it, s ince t h e y w e r e ch i ld ren . A n d this b e i n g t h e case, t h e y d idn ' t was te effort f re t t ing a b o u t it.

W h e n t h e o the r s w e n t t o b u y f o o d R a n g k a a n d I w e r e left a l o n e a n d fell i n t o tha t m u t u a l shyness b r o u g h t a b o u t by an i n t e n ­sity o f l ik ing . W h a t is it , this force o f a t t rac t ion , tha t leaps across every b a r r i e r h u m a n s have ever b e e n able t o cons t ruc t? In s i tua­t ions like this , w h e n y o u are recep t ive to t h e p o i n t o f rawness , y o u b e c o m e acu te ly aware o f it. W e r e s p o n d t o each o t h e r as i n d i v i d u ­als for reasons n o o n e y e t k n o w s . Final ly h e said in his ha l t i ng

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H i n d i tha t pe rhaps , if it w e r e t o o difficult for m e , I w o u l d l ike to c o m e a n d live w i t h h i m a n d his m o t h e r a n d Jasu? T h e y w o u l d b e pleased t o have m e and I w o u l d n ' t have t o pay a n y t h i n g e i ther . I exp l a ined to h i m as bes t I c o u l d tha t I d id n o t m i n d r o u g h i n g it a n d tha t t h e on ly real ha rdsh ip was n o t b e i n g able t o speak o r u n d e r s t a n d .

B u t this was n o t t r ue . E v e r y t h i n g infur ia ted m e . T h e s t imula ­t i o n a n d uproar , t h e sk inny b o d i e s a n d s ta r ing faces, t h e p l u c k i n g , w h i n i n g beggars , m y o w n stifled o u t r a g e at so m u c h unnecessary suffering, so m u c h callousness, so m u c h indifference m a s q u e r a d i n g as spir i tual r e f i n e m e n t .

If I h a d a n y k i n d o f c r eed in regard t o l iv ing a m o n g s t rangers , it was this: o n e c o u l d cr i t ic ize one ' s o w n place, i n d e e d o n e h a d a d u t y to d o so, b u t w h e n crossing a cu l tura l b o r d e r o n e left b e h i n d j u d g e m e n t s as t o h o w life s h o u l d b e o rgan ized . Especial ly w h e n y o u b e l o n g e d to t h e cu l tu re tha t has t h e p o w e r t o d e ­scr ibe , a n d misdesc r ibe , O t h e r . In m y o w n w a n d e r i n g s I was h a p p y to s u r r e n d e r par ts o f w h a t h a d or ig ina l ly f o r m e d m e in e x c h a n g e for t h e n e w perspect ives offered b y difference. B u t lately, ba t ta l ions o f j u d g e m e n t s h a d b e e n a r r i v ing u n b i d d e n f rom s o m e less evolved self a n d n o t h i n g I c o u l d d o w o u l d fend t h e m off. So s t rongly h a d 1 a d h e r e d to t h e p rev ious p o i n t o f v i e w — tha t y o u c a n n o t j u d g e un t i l y o u u n d e r s t a n d - tha t this n e w species o f t h o u g h t f r i gh t ened m e . W h a t w o u l d I b e c o m e if I a l lowed t h e m the i r space? W o u l d I b e c o m e t h e k i n d o f p e r s o n I despised? W e r e t h e y t r u ly n e w o r h a d t h e y b e e n l u r k i n g a r o u n d before?

Always I'd b e e n d r i v e n b y a c o m p u l s i o n t o m a k e c o n t a c t w i t h t h e w o r l d , t o b e as aware o f m y life as I c o u l d be , t o wres t l e m e a n i n g o u t o f even t - and tha t c o m p u l s i o n lay at t h e h e a r t o f e v e r y t h i n g I d id . Yet h e r e I was in a t o w n layered w i t h t h e sed i ­m e n t o f cen tu r i e s , a t o w n full o f m a r v e l a n d novel ty , a n d t h e t h o u g h t o f e x p o s i n g mysel f t o its pressing, h o u n d i n g c rowds was m o r e t h a n I c o u l d bear . I s tayed ins tead in a dark , sealed r o o m , c o n s e r v i n g e n e r g y for t h e n e x t ons laugh t .

Yet t h e fo l lowing day, after I h a d said g o o d b y e t o M a m u a n d R a n g k a , a n d t u r n e d t o take m y p lace in t h e l ine o f w o m e n , ch i l ­d r e n a n d camels se t t ing off i n t o n o w h e r e , s o m e anc i en t pa r t o f t h e

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spir i t s t i r red in r e c o g n i t i o n , said this was w h a t o u r species was bu i l t for; this m a k e s e v e r y t h i n g else w o r t h w h i l e .

T h e p rocess ion m o v e d a long l ike a t ra in o n its t racks, ha l t i ng o n l y at its des t ina t ion — a w i t h e r e d valley bes ide a d a m in w h i c h buffalo w a l l o w e d a n d p e o p l e w a s h e d themse lves o r the i r c lo thes o r the i r bicycles . A r o u n d t h e r i m o f t h e d a m , twists a n d curls o f e x c r e m e n t s lowly l e e c h e d disease i n t o t h e wate r . O u r d r i n k i n g supply .

Shi t is rarely m e n t i o n e d i n t ou r i s t gu ides t o India . N o r are t h o s e pub l i c loos in w h i c h faeces fill t h e c o r n e r s a n d l ine t h e walls as far as t h e ce i l ing in such pos i t ions as t o b e g g a r i m a g i n a t i o n . Shit i n t h e gu t te r s , o n t h e p a v e m e n t s , a r o u n d ru ins a n d t o m b s , i n pub l i c gardens , s t ick ing to y o u r shoes , l i t t e r ing t h e b a n k s o f d a m s a n d r ivers , enc i rc l ing villages, p i l ed in gullies a n d bes ide t h e d o o r s tops o f t h e wea l thy , r ecyc l ing its w a y f rom b o d y t o b o d y -o m n i p r e s e n t , h u m a n shit .

I c a r r i ed m e d i c i n e for d y s e n t e r y a n d a few o f t h e o t h e r th ings I h o p e d I w o u l d n o t get . B u t o f all t h e th ings I d id n o t w a n t t o get , I d id n o t w a n t t o ge t G u i n e a w o r m t h e m o s t . G u i n e a w o r m is e n d e m i c , I was to ld , a m o n g travel l ing p e o p l e w h o h a d t o d r i n k f r o m o p e n wate r . T h e parasi te en te r s t h e system, finds its w a y t h r o u g h t h e b o d y t o t h e skin , usually o n an a r m o r leg, t ransforms i n t o a l a v u m a n d bui lds a little h o u s e for itself in t h e f o r m o f a bo i l , w h e r e it p r o c e e d s to repl icate . T h e bo i l eventual ly burs ts , re leasing packets o f eggs w h i c h ge t w a s h e d i n t o t h e wa te r , ready for t h e n e x t p i c k - u p . S o m e t i m e s , howeve r , t h e parasi te loses its w a y w i t h i n t h e b o d y a n d p o p s o u t , ins tead, o n an eyebal l o r ins ide an ear. I h a d b r o u g h t a w a t e r filter w i t h m e b u t w i t h i n a f ew days I gave u p o n it. W e m i g h t have to m o v e qu ick ly , so tha t a w a l k t o t h e we l l a n d t h e hal f h o u r spen t filtering was o u t o f t h e q u e s t i o n . O r w e m i g h t r each w a t e r after h o u r s o f w a l k i n g w i t h o u t a d r i n k . To wai t so l o n g for a c lean c u p o f w a t e r was b e y o n d m e . Even tua l ly I d e ­l ivered m y hea l th t o c h a n c e a n d d r a n k w h a t e v e r m y c o m p a n i o n s d rank .

O n tha t first e v e n i n g e v e r y o n e was especially w e l c o m i n g . W o m e n f rom o t h e r c a m p s c a m e b y t o share p rashad — sticky sweets m a d e o f flour, m i l k a n d j a g g e r y . H o w t h e hel l h a d t hey

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f o u n d t i m e t o take t h e food to a t e m p l e for blessing? H o w h a d t h e y f o u n d t i m e to c o o k it?

' T h i s is y o u r d a n g now, ' t hey said. 'You wil l see. Y o u wil l en joy l iv ing w i t h us. '

N a k k i exp la ined , 'I a m R a n g k a bhai 's p i u a n d there fore I a m y o u r b e n , because R a n g k a is y o u r b h a i a n d tha t m e a n s Jasu is y o u r bab i , so y o u m u s t n o t call h e r Jasu b e n , y o u call h e r Jasu babi , ' w h i c h in i t ia ted a genera l discussion as t o w h o m y o t h e r fifty o r so relatives w e r e . T h e y w a n t e d t o k n o w m y age a n d l o o k e d a m a z e d w h e n I said f o r t y - o n e . I asked N a k k i h o w o ld she was . She l o o k e d at t h e g r o u n d for j u s t a m o m e n t t o o l o n g a n d e v e r y o n e w e n t silent. I h a d t h o u g h t she was in h e r m i d seventies . S h e was j u s t seven years o l d e r t h a n m e .

M y o w n c a m p was w e d g e d b e t w e e n t h e t w o b r a n c h e s o f m y i m m e d i a t e family. O n o n e side, t e n feet away, w e r e N a k k i , P h a g u , Jaivi , La tch i , H a t t i a n d Ar jun ; o n t h e o t h e r side, L a k h m a , P a r m a (her n iece) a n d Lakhma ' s h u s b a n d w h o m , it was qu i t e apparen t , she f o u n d an unspeakab le b o r e . She w o u l d let o u t exaspera ted little g r u n t s w h e n e v e r h e c a m e t o sit b y her , fan h e r h a n d in front o f h e r face a n d c o u g h as s o o n as h e lit u p his ch i l l um. Thank fu l l y h e was t o o d i m to perce ive t h e effect h e h a d o n his b e l o v e d a n d puffed s m o k e lov ingly at eve ry sourness .

A l t h o u g h I was closer t o N a k k i i n age, it was really t h e t w o y o u n g w o m e n , Jaivi a n d P a r m a , w h o w e r e m y pee r s a n d w i t h w h o m I was to s p e n d m o s t o f m y t i m e . Jaivi was Phagu ' s o ldes t d a u g h t e r a n d secret ly m y favour i te . She was in h e r twen t i e s , h a d t h e same d r y h u m o u r as h e r father, a n d a face r o u n d a n d o p e n as a sunflower. P a r m a , m y ' c o u s i n ' , was t o u g h a n d u n c o m p r o m i s i n g , h e r b e a u t y m o r e mascu l i ne a n d a m b i g u o u s t h a n Jaivi 's. La tch i , Phagu ' s fifteen-year-old, r ega rded t h e w o r l d w i t h tha t super io r , b o r e d air t ha t is so t i r e s o m e in adolescents a n d spen t m o s t o f h e r t i m e l o o k i n g i n t o h e r m i r r o r o r b e i n g ch ivv ied for laziness. All w e r e gruf f in m a n n e r , so tha t t o ge t m y a t t e n t i o n t h e y w o u l d d ig a f inger i n t o m y a r m o r r ibs , l eav ing a b ru i se . A f r iendly pa t was a t h u m p . A playful t o u c h , a w h a c k . B u t t h e n , at o t h e r m o m e n t s , t hey w o u l d display t h e u t m o s t del icacy in kissing a p a l m o r t o u c h ­i n g a face. W h a t m a d e these w o m e n so beaut i fu l was tha t t hey w e r e incapab le o f m a k i n g a m o v e m e n t tha t j a r r e d .

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B y t h e l igh t o f t h e flames I w a t c h e d t h e m in t en t ly a n d was s t ruck b y t h e s ingular i ty o f e ach character , h e r e w h e r e t he re w e r e n o b o o k s , n o films, n o travel ou t s ide o f Gujara t , n o n o t i o n a b o u t t h e rest o f t h e w o r l d — n o n e o f t h e th ings o n e m i g h t associate w i t h t h e e x p a n s i o n a n d e n r i c h m e n t o f pe r sona l i ty .

As t h e faces c a m e m o r e i n t o focus t h e y b e c a m e quee r ly r e c o g ­nizable . I c o u l d see P h a g u s t and ing at a b l a c k b o a r d t e a c h i n g p a r t i ­cle physics . O r P a r m a , w h e r e h a d I seen h e r before? O n t h e stage s o m e w h e r e ? Jaivi , I n o w saw, was m y f r iend J e n n y b u t t e n years y o u n g e r a n d w e a r i n g a b lack w i g . T h a t b r o a d face, w h i c h I h a d t h o u g h t o f as b e l o n g i n g t o J e n n y a lone , was h e r e r e p e a t e d in Jaivi as a va r i a t ion o n a t h e m e . O v e r t h e r e was m y n i e c e as an old , o ld w o m a n . T h e n I saw tha t P h a g u was n o t a physics professor at all b u t a p a i n t i n g I h a d seen s o m e w h e r e . A V e r m e e r pe rhaps - tha t sideways g lance , so familiar. T h e r e are o n l y so m a n y families o f face i n t h e w o r l d .

I n t h e l igh t o f t h e fire s imilar i ty shifted t o difference a n d b a c k again . W h i c h was p a r a m o u n t : o u r similari t ies o r o u r differences?

O n t h e s e c o n d day I t r i e d t o take a b u c k e t - b a t h b u t t h e c h i l ­d r e n fo l lowed to w a t c h . Sacr i f ic ing cleanliness t o m o d e s t y , I left m y t rousers o n . La ter I l e a r n t h o w t o b a t h e b y w a t c h i n g N a k k i . She sat ou t s ide t h e t a rpau l in , r u b b e d h e r ha i r w i t h ghee , t h e n filled a bas in w i t h w a t e r a n d a little b u t t e r m i l k . S h e t o o k off o r n i a n d b louse , reveal ing h e r breasts, b u t k e p t h e r skir t o n t h r o u g h o u t . T h e n Jaivi p o u r e d t h e m i x t u r e t h r o u g h h e r ha i r a n d over h e r back . S h e w a s h e d t h e u p p e r p a r t o f h e r b o d y a n d h e r legs a n d feet, t h e n squa t t ed over t h e bas in to c lean b e n e a t h h e r skirts. Af te r ­wards she c o m b e d o u t l o n g g rey curls w h i c h t u r n e d i n t o r ingle ts i n t h e sun . W h e n h e r b r o t h e r - i n - l a w w a l k e d past , P a r m a c a u ­t i o n e d h e r a n d N a k k i lifted h e r b lack w o o l t o cover herse l f b u t i n a lackadaisical w a y — a m e r e ges ture t o f o r m . H e r e o n t h e d a n g str ict p u r d a h is imprac t ica l a n d e v e r y o n e u n d e r s t a n d s this, b r o t h e r s - i n - l a w i n c l u d e d . H e tactfully l o o k e d t h e o t h e r w a y a n d d id n o t p a u s e in his s t r ide .

N a k k i ' s ab lu t i ona ry m e t h o d s w e r e n o t m u c h g o o d t o m e , h o w ­ever, as I w o r e pa jama r a t h e r t h a n skirt . So, w h e n e v e r I c o u l d m a n a g e it, I w o u l d ca r ry m y b u c k e t far i n t o t h e scrub , h i d e myse l f as bes t I cou ld , c r o u c h e d i n a d i t ch pe rhaps o r b e h i n d a r u i n e d

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wall o r sp indly t ree a n d furt ively wash , p a t c h b y p a t c h . A cavalier a t t i t ude to p u r d a h was o n e th ing ; for a w o m a n to b e seen e x p o s i n g h e r n e t h e r r eg ions qu i t e ano the r .

T h e daily r o u t i n e w e n t s o m e t h i n g l ike this. Befo re first l ight I w o u l d w a k e vu lne rab l e a n d d i so r i en t a t ed a n d l o o k across t o Jaivi , e x p e c t i n g h e r i ron ic g r i n — m y l a n d i n g l ight — o n l y to see a G o r g o n . Lots o f G o r g o n s . I have b e e n to ld tha t m y early m o r n i n g face can fill a g r o w n m a n w i t h dread, y e t I k n o w tha t far f r o m g l o w e r i n g I a m a lmos t u n a w a r e o f any o t h e r h u m a n p r e s e n c e a n d a m still surfacing f rom t h e dep ths . B u t s o m e h o w o n e does n o t e x p e c t n o m a d s to suffer f rom early m o r n i n g l iverishness. H o w ­ever, after s c o u r i n g po t s w i t h m u d a n d gr i t , c h u r n i n g fresh goa t m i l k b y h a n d i n t o b u t t e r m i l k a n d g h e e a n d clarifying t h e g h e e over a fire, t h e gears o f social i n t e r c o u r s e w e r e o i led e n o u g h t o p r o c e e d w i t h t h e m o r e genial act ivi ty o f c o o k i n g . T h e n t o o t h -c lean ing , fo l lowed by breakfast a r o u n d t h e fires. La ter t h e s h e p ­he rds w o u l d p a c k s o m e rot i i n a c lo th , take a p a n n i k i n for w a t e r a n d b e g i n t o separate t he i r flocks. L a m b s w o u l d b e p u t t o m o t h e r s for a d r ink ; t h e n e w b o r n a n d t h e sick kep t b e h i n d w i t h t h e w o m e n t o b e t r a n s p o r t e d b y camel . T h e m e n w o u l d g o off t o s o u n d s o f b lea t ing , baa ing a n d w o o d w i n d s . If t h e r e was any w o r k t o b e d o n e w i t h t h e flocks — in jec t ions , d r e n c h i n g , s h e a r i n g - th is w o u l d b e d o n e before t h e y left o r i n t h e e v e n i n g w h e n t hey c a m e in . P h a g u a n d a n o t h e r m a n w o u l d g o off s cou t ing , l eav ing t h e camels t o feed, g u a r d e d b y t h e u n t h wal lah , a n d t h e w o m e n to s e w o r w a l k i n t o n e a r b y t o w n s o r villages for supplies . S o m e t i m e s t h e w o m e n w o u l d wa i t a lmos t all day u n d e r tarpaul ins ; s o m e t i m e s w e w o u l d leave in t h e late m o r n i n g , t h e t imings a n d distances des ig ­n a t e d by P h a g u t h e n i g h t before . H a l f an h o u r be fore leaving t i m e t h e u n t h wal lah w o u l d b r i n g t h e camels in , t h e y w o u l d b e fed a few pieces o f ro t i , t h e n l o a d e d up .

A t first N a k k i insisted she l oad m y came l b u t gradual ly I c o n ­v i n c e d h e r I c o u l d d o it myself. E v e n so, s o m e o n e w o u l d usual ly give m e a h a n d o r w a t c h , w i t h a m u s e m e n t , f rom t h e c o r n e r s o f the i r eyes. D u r i n g t h e first w e e k o r so, t hey w o u l d c h e c k w h a t I h a d d o n e — w h e t h e r I h a d t ied t h e ropes t igh t e n o u g h a n d w i t h t h e c o r r e c t k n o t s — less o u t o f c o n c e r n for m e t h a n t h e t h o u g h t o f t i m e was t ed o n t h e road , r e load ing . First, t h o s e enviable h a n d -

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s t i t ched quil ts (gudios) w o u l d b e p l aced o n t h e camel 's back , t h e saddle o n top . A h u g e g o a t - h a i r sack w o u l d t h e n b e t h r o w n over t h e saddle, f o r m i n g t w o d e e p pocke t s e i t he r side. I n t o these w e n t t h e c o o k i n g gear (shiny brass dishes a n d r o u n d clay po t s , e a r t h e n ho tp la tes for c o o k i n g t h e ro t i , a n d lit t le stainless steel tea cups) a n d across t h e t op , e m b r o i d e r e d sacks o f f lour a n d food , a n d t h e few lit t le p e r s o n a l possessions each p e r s o n ca r r i ed . O n c e this was s t r apped d o w n , u p w o u l d g o t h e c h a r p o i , its fou r legs p o k i n g at t h e sky. O n t o p o f it, t h e t a rpau l in , t i ed in such a w a y as t o f o r m p o c k e t s i n t o w h i c h t h e l ambs w o u l d b e t h r o w n . U p s i d e - d o w n brass w a t e r p o t s d e c o r a t e d t h e four posts o f t h e b e d , r eady to b e filled qu ick ly if w e passed a wel l . A n y o n e t o o ill t o w a l k (and y o u h a d t o b e a lmos t d e a d for that) lay toss ing a b o u t amids t t h e l ambs , g r o a n i n g l ike a seasick sailor.

F o r s o m e reason I was n e v e r able t o w o r k o u t , fifteen-year-old La tch i always rode . She w o u l d c l imb u p o n t h e h u g e o ld bul l , o n e foo t o n his k n e e , t h e n e x t o n his n e c k , t h e n w h o o s h , o n t o t h e c h a r p o i p e r c h e d t e n feet i n t h e air. H e r b lack o r n i w o u l d float off, reveal ing backless b louse a n d c r eamy skin. O n c e aloft she w o u l d b r u s h o u t h e r plait a n d p r e e n i n t o h e r m i r r o r . S o m e t i m e s lit t le H a t t i w o u l d b e lifted u p b e h i n d h e r sister; s o m e t i m e s she w a l k e d w i t h t h e rest o f us .

A t first I f o u n d it h a r d t o d o w i t h o u t wa te r . I t was imposs ib le t o lift m y c a n t e e n d o w n f r o m t h e saddle w h i l e w e w e r e m o v i n g a n d it was u n t h i n k a b l e t o s top t h e came lcade for s u c h a tr iviali ty as thirs t . I t h o u g h t t o c o n q u e r this p r o b l e m b y s t o c k i n g u p o n o r ­anges w h e n e v e r w e w e n t s h o p p i n g . D u r i n g l o a d i n g u p I w o u l d secre te o n e o r t w o i n m y pocke t s t o suck, sur rept i t ious ly , as I w a l k e d a long . B u t s o m e o n e w o u l d always see, so tha t I w o u l d b e ob l iged t o share. (I n o t i c e d tha t t hey , t oo , e x p e r i e n c e d this p r o b ­l e m a n d if t h e y h a d b o u g h t a n y t h i n g ve ry special i n t o w n w o u l d t ry t o h i d e it because if it was seen , it m u s t b e offered. I o n c e saw N a k k i curse u n d e r h e r b r e a t h w h e n she saw s o m e local R a b a r i a p p r o a c h i n g j u s t as she was a b o u t t o t u c k i n t o h e r b i scoo t . B u t w h e n t h e w o m e n sat w i t h her , po l i sh ing off t h e biscui ts , y o u w o u l d have t h o u g h t N a k k i h a d b r o u g h t t h e p a c k e t o u t for t h e m alone.)

W e w o u l d p r o c e e d w i t h o u t s t o p p i n g unless w e passed a wel l , t o

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w h i c h several w o m e n w o u l d r u n t o fill po t s w h i l e o the r s k e p t t h e camels m o v i n g . If w e s t o p p e d to w a t e r t h e camels at a t r o u g h , La tch i w o u l d s w i n g d o w n f rom h e r p e r c h as if she w e r e c l i m b i n g d o w n vines t o fill t h e four po t s . W e m i g h t p i c k feed f rom ways ide trees t o feed t h e b a b y goats at n i g h t or, if t h e r e was a p a t c h o f p a r t i c u ­larly n u t r i t i o u s fodder , a l low o u r r avenous camels t o b r o w s e for a w h i l e . S o m e t i m e s w e w o u l d w a l k t w o miles , s o m e t i m e s t w e n t y , in a s t raight l ine o r i n a circle, d e p e n d i n g u p o n w h e r e w e w e r e to m e e t t h e flocks o r w h e r e t h e walls o f cactus a n d s tone — t h e squares a n d rectangles o f s eden ta ry folk — d i rec ted us .

O n c e at t h e des igna ted c a m p w e w o u l d seat t h e camels a n d u n l o a d . T h e c h a r p o i w o u l d b e u p e n d e d o n t h e g r o u n d , t h e l ambs t ied to it b y t h e n e c k a l o n g l o n g leads, t h e n t h e gear s tacked o n top , c u l m i n a t i n g w i t h t h e beaut i fu l qui l ts . M y o w n gear was a d o w n m a r k e t ve r s ion o f the i rs — a f o l d - u p a l u m i n i u m b e d , an o d d a s so r tmen t o f bags , a c o u p l e o f o ld e i d e r d o w n s , cush ions a n d s h e e p ­skins, a n d a t e n t w h i c h r e m a i n e d i n its w r a p p i n g . I s o o n d iscov­e red t h e r eason for s tack ing e v e r y t h i n g o n t h e be d s . If y o u leave a n y t h i n g o n t h e g r o u n d , w h i c h I d id in exaspera t ion o n e n i g h t because I c o u l d n o l o n g e r s tand ly ing o n a luggage rack, it wi l l have b e e n ea t en to dust b y w h i t e ants in t h e m o r n i n g .

As s o o n as t h e u n l o a d i n g was d o n e , s o m e w o m e n w o u l d g o t o ga the r t h o r n b u s h us ing a l o n g w o o d e n p o l e t o p i c k u p t h e sticks a n d add t h e m t o t h e pi le o n the i r heads , w h i c h spread six feet w i d e a n d four feet h i g h in a t ang led mass. O t h e r w o m e n w o u l d w a l k t o a w a t e r supply , a n y t h i n g f rom t w o h u n d r e d yards t o a c o u p l e o f mi les away. T h e n t o t h e c o o k i n g : d o u g h w o r k e d t o a large slab in a m e t a l dish, p ieces o f it t aken a n d rol led b e t w e e n t h e pa lms t h e n r i g h t over left, left over r igh t , t h r o w it a b o u t , pa t it, t u r n it, t h r o w it again un t i l a perfect ly r o u n d , n i n e - i n c h - w i d e ro t i w i t h o u t a n y rents was ready for t h e h o t plate .

A t n i g h t w h e n t h e animals a n d m e n c a m e in , w h e n t h e l ambs h a d b e e n separa ted f rom the i r m o t h e r s a n d t ied t o t h e ropes , w h e n t h e n e w b o r n s h a d b e e n b r o u g h t t o t h e re levant camps , t h e camels c a u g h t a n d t e the red , w h e n each c a m p h a d lit its i ncense a n d w a v e d it a r o u n d t h e outski r t s o f t h e d a n g t o w a r d off evil, w h e n little j o b s l ike haf t ing n e w sticks f rom euca lyp tus b o u g h s , o r p la i t ing n e w ropes , o r g iv ing m e d i c i n e t o t h e an imals , o r m e n d i n g

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e q u i p m e n t was c o m p l e t e - t h e n , at last, t h e shepherds c o u l d rest w i t h the i r families, t h e happies t t i m e o f day. T h e y w o u l d sit d o w n w i t h t h e same express ion w i t h w h i c h t h e y g o t u p — a d e e p sigh a n d ' E e e h , B h a g w a n ' , usual ly fo l lowed by an e x h a u s t e d si lence, t h e n l a u g h t e r a n d a r e c o u n t i n g o f t h e day's events . T h i s was t h e o n l y t i m e t h e y go t t o lie o n t h e beds , t h o u g h m o s t of ten, t hey , t o o , sat o n quilts o n t h e g r o u n d . After food , t he r e w o u l d b e a gene ra l discussion o f t h e n e x t day's plans . O u r camels w e r e t e t h e r e d t o pegs in t h e g r o u n d at n igh t , R a m R a h i m so close t o m y c o t tha t w e c o u l d w h i s p e r t o each o t h e r i n t h e darkness .

Usua l ly I w o u l d sit b y t h e fire w i t h m y family a n d t ry t o p a r t i c i ­pa t e in t h e c o o k i n g a n d t h e talk. B u t of ten this effort o f c o n c e n t r a t i o n was t o o m u c h for m e . I was s leep ing an average o f t w o to t h r e e h o u r s a n igh t . W h e n t h e day's w o r k was d o n e , I w o u l d s o m e t i m e s go t o m y c o t a n d p r e t e n d to d o z e b u t m y m i n d g r o u n d a long , filled w i t h a g r i t o f anxie ty , w h i c h m u s t b e ak in t o t h e frustrat ions o f t h e n e w l y b l ind , o r inval ided. I c o u l d n o t speak. I c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d . I m u s t speak. I m u s t u n d e r s t a n d . T h e n I w o u l d hear , ' R a t t i b e n , f ood is ready! ' a n d m y s t o m a c h w o u l d k n o t u p as if I w e r e a b o u t t o e n t e r an e x a m i n a t i o n for w h i c h I was u n p r e p a r e d .

O n e e v e n i n g I s h o w e d t h e m an art icle I h a d w r i t t e n in a m a g a ­zine . It c o n t a i n e d p ic tu res o f m e a n d m y camels i n Austral ia . P h a g u h e l d t h e b o o k ups ide d o w n o r i n q u i r e d again a n d again if t h e p e r s o n in t h e p ic tures was m e , if t h e p ic tu res w e r e in m y c o u n t r y o r a no the r . I saw t h e i m m e n s i t y o f t h e gap o f c o m p r e h e n ­s ion b e t w e e n us , t h e gap o f m e a n i n g , w h e r e be fore I h a d seen o n l y o u r affinity. T h e faintest l o o k o f wistfulness c a m e i n t o his face. W h e n I t h o u g h t o f his e d u c a t i o n o f his daugh te r s , o f his s t r iv ing for a n d p r i d e in t h e m , I s u d d e n l y w a n t e d to p u t m y b o o k away, as i f m y j o y in r e a d i n g e m p h a s i z e d his exc lus ion f rom t h e w o r l d o f t h e l i terate . B u t this p ro t ec t ive response o f m i n e was m i r r o r e d b y h i m w h e n e v e r I be t r ayed i g n o r a n c e o f t h e m o d e s o f ex i s tence i n his wor ld , w h e n e v e r it b e c a m e obv ious to h i m tha t I was t r ead ing w a t e r a l o n g w a y f rom shore .

O n e n i g h t I was h u d d l e d o n m y c o t fe ign ing sleep w h e n s u d ­d e n l y t h e dogs w e n t be r se rk . T h e m o o n was so b r i g h t I c o u l d see a f igure r u n n i n g flat o u t u p i n t o t h e r o c k y hills. T w o shepherds

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t o o k off after h i m , w a v i n g the i r sticks. All I c o u l d t h i n k was h o w brave t h e th i e f was , o r h o w despera te . As it was o n l y t h e loss o f o n e l amb , a n d as t he r e was obv ious ly n o c h a n c e o f ge t t i ng i t back , t h e i n c i d e n t was an occas ion for fun a n d e x c i t e m e n t m o r e t h a n anger . P a r m a crep t u p b e h i n d H a t t i , lifted h e r a r m s in an a r c h e ­typal ges ture and , l e ap ing in front o f her , said t h e K u t c h i e q u i v a ­l en t o f boo\ H a t t i squea led a n d dived u n d e r t h e quil ts o f t h e b e d .

S h e was t h e m o s t loved (and t h e m o s t spoilt) o f ch i ld ren . S h e o r d e r e d e v e r y o n e a b o u t , h a n d raised in a fist, c h i n o u t , flouncing h e r skirts i m p e r i o u s l y . H e r o lde r sisters p la i ted a n d d e c o r a t e d h e r hair , e n c o u r a g i n g an already o v e r d e v e l o p e d vani ty . A n d at n igh t , w h e n h e r b i g b r o t h e r s c a m e in , t h e first t h i n g t h e y asked for was H a t t i , w h o c l i m b e d all over t h e m , gave t h e m c h e e k . A h a n d raised to slap w o u l d s e n d h e r i n t o hyster ica l giggles; she k n e w it w o u l d n e v e r b e del ivered. H e r rudenes s was seen as a c h a r m i n g i n d e p e n d ­e n c e o f m i n d b y h e r family - a necessary t r a in ing in s t u b b o r n n e s s . I l iked H a t t i b u t f rom a safe dis tance. A n d it was clear tha t t o h e r I was t h e s tupides t p e r s o n o n ea r th . N o t on ly c o u l d I n o t talk, I c o u l d n o t c o o k a d e c e n t ro t i .

' H o w c o m e y o u r s are perfect a n d m i n e are l ike this? ' I said t o Jaivi o n e even ing . P h a g u answered , 'Because she has b e e n d o i n g it s ince she was a child. ' B u t t hey apprec ia t ed t h e effort — a n o t h e r occas ion for h i lar i ty . T h e y l a u g h e d a lo t these p e o p l e .

T h e ch i ld ren a c c e p t e d m y d u m b n e s s m o r e easily t h a n t h e adul ts , cha t t ed o n as if I c o u l d u n d e r s t a n d t h e m a n d s e e m e d n o t t o r equ i r e t o o m a n y replies. E v e r y o n e was aware o f m y p a r t i c u ­lar fondness for Nag j i . H e was teased a b o u t it b u t never the less w o u l d fetch u p m o s t evenings o n m y cot , s m o k i n g his c h i l l u m in c o m p a n i o n a b l e si lence.

I w a t c h e d H a t t i p lay ing w i t h a g r e e n plastic dol l w h i c h she h a d dressed in bi ts o f rag a n d o ld d o g cha in . S h e d r a g g e d it a r o u n d in a l ea the r c log w i t h u p t u r n e d t o e — a c h a r i o t t ravel l ing across c o n ­t inen t s , wor lds pe rhaps . D r y came l d r o p p i n g s t i ed i n bi ts o f plastic b a g w e r e go ld a n d p r ec ious g e m s . O n a n o t h e r day I h a d o b s e r v e d h e r i n d e e p c o n t e m p l a t i o n o f a d e a d l amb . She d r o p p e d a r o c k o n its h e a d e x p e r i m e n t a l l y . T h e r e was an inscru tab le l o o k o n h e r face w h i c h was chi l l ing never the less .

T h e d a n g was a t r a in ing g r o u n d for t h e ch i ld ren . T h e lit t le girls

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h a d the i r o w n p ieces o f play e m b r o i d e r y a n d ca r r i ed small brass po t s o n t he i r heads . A t n i g h t t hey m a d e p r e t e n d rot i . T h e smallest boys s m o k e d bir is a n d ch i l lums . S o o n these angels w o u l d b e g i n leav ing c a m p i n t h e m o r n i n g s w i t h t h e m e n , w r a p p e d in the i r w h i t e tu rbans , c a r r y i n g t he i r sticks, cal l ing to t h e sheep - m a r r i e d a n d responsib le m e n , e a r n i n g the i r o w n l iv ing at t h e age o f e igh t o r n i n e .

O n e n i g h t after t h e l i gh t ing o f t h e i ncense w e vis i ted Phagu ' s b r o t h e r Pala's c a m p for bhaj jans (devot iona l songs) . O n e m a n w o u l d start t h e first l ine o f a song , his c o m p a n i o n s j o i n i n g in . T h e n t h e w o m e n w o u l d b e g i n , h u d d l i n g t o g e t h e r u n d e r the i r b lack w o o l , c o m p e t i n g w i t h t h e m e n , k e e n i n g the i r lungs ou t , l a u g h i n g w h e n s o m e o n e g o t t h e w o r d s w r o n g , o r felt a l i t t le shy. T h e y sang a s o n g a b o u t R a t t i b e n , m y anc i en t namesake , w h o h a d la in b e t w e e n t h e b o d i e s o f t w o slain m e n - o n e a R a b a r i , t h e o t h e r an e n e m y — t o p r e v e n t t he i r b l o o d f r o m m i x i n g . T h e y d r a n k tea a n d sang un t i l t h e stars s w u n g past m i d n i g h t . T h e y sang themselves i n t o i n tox ica t ion .

It was as if t h e y t o o k a spir i tual b a t h in t h e mus ic , t he i r t roubles w a s h e d away w i t h songs as o ld as t h e s u b c o n t i n e n t . A n d I was s t ruck o n c e again at t he i r i n t i m a c y w i t h each o t h e r — t h e b o n d s a m o n g t h e m con t inua l ly s t r e n g t h e n e d , like c a l c i u m laid d o w n in a b o n e , b y s ing ing , o r sha r ing prashad , o r s e w i n g each o ther ' s mats , o r s m o k i n g each o ther ' s ch i l lums . H o w c o m f o r t i n g it m u s t b e to pass t h r o u g h life's s t o r m s always w i t h t h e s u p p o r t o f t h e g r o u p infusing every a c t i o n a n d every t h o u g h t w i t h o n e vo ice e x t e n d i n g f r o m t h e t i m e o f one ' s ances tors d o w n t h r o u g h t h e gene ra t ions , saying, ' I t is all r igh t . W e are all he r e . T h e r e is n o such t h i n g as a lone. '

11

B u t t h e ances tors w e r e t o o far b a c k in t i m e for the i r voices t o reach m e a n d w i t h each day m y isola t ion f rom m y c o m p a n i o n s grew. T h e y h a d w e l c o m e d m e i n t o t h e w a r m t h o f t he i r c o m m u n ­ion ; n o w I was o u t i n t h e co ld w a t c h i n g t h e m t h r o u g h a w i n d o w . T h e y w o u l d see m e p e e p i n g at t h e m a n d t u r n away as i f t o say, W h y are y o u l o o k i n g at us? G o away! W h a t h a d b e g u n w i t h g o o d wil l was a t r o p h y i n g for t h e w a n t o f l anguage t o n o u r i s h it. I h a d i m a g i n e d I c o u l d u n d e r s t a n d , t h r o u g h a k i n d o f p re - l i ngua l s ign l anguage , qu i t e c o m p l e x in te rac t ions , as if I c o u l d j u s t m a n a g e t o stay afloat o n an o c e a n o f i n c o m p r e h e n s i o n . T h e t r u t h was I was g o i n g u n d e r .

T h e r e w e r e m o r e t h a n for ty p e o p l e o n t h e dang . Jaivi said disparagingly, ' W e c a n r e m e m b e r all o u r sheep . H o w c o m e y o u can ' t r e m e m b e r o u r n a m e s ? ' She m a d e m e d r a w a m a p o f t h e camps , t h e n w r i t e t h e n a m e s a n d t h e degrees o f re la t ionship . T h e y tes ted m e . W h o is tha t b o y over t he r e a n d w h o is his m o t h e r ' s sister's daugh te r?

'Samji nat t i ! ' D u r i n g t h e day w e she l te red f rom tha t p o i s o n o u s s u n u n d e r a

t a rpaul in . T h e w i n d r u s h e d u n d e r it, gus t ing h o t g r i t i n t o o u r faces. H o u r u p o n h o u r o f unpara l l e led b o r e d o m as w e w a i t e d t o shift c a m p . T i m e s t r e t ched o u t as it does in d reams . I b u r i e d myse l f i n P rous t , his coo l , p r iv i l eged w o r l d . M a r c e l was w a k i n g up , e n ­c h a n t e d b y t h e songs o f peasants sell ing the i r wares b e n e a t h his w i n d o w . H e lay in w h i t e sheets; s o o n h e w o u l d pul l t h e bel l for Franco ise t o b r i n g h i m his m o r n i n g coffee. I t i p t o e d o u t o f t h e b e d r o o m in Paris a n d l o o k e d u p . Pressed against m e , t h e w o m e n s t i tched, b l e w sno t o u t o f the i r noses , spat a n d b e l c h e d .

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T h e r e w e r e a c o u p l e o f m e n u n d e r t h e t a rp w i t h us , sh ive r ing w i t h fever. O n e c rawled o u t t o v o m i t . N a k k i r u b b e d his legs a n d a rms w i t h r a w o n i o n . B a b y goats cove red in sores d r a n k f rom o u r w a t e r po t s a n d u r i n a t e d o n o u r ma t s . T h e air was m o s t l y dust . T h e h o r i z o n p r o m i s e d n o t h i n g b u t dust . W h e r e was I? W h y was I he re?

I t r i ed t o w r i t e no t e s b u t t h e w o r d s r an o u t , evapora ted i n t o t h e b l u e above . I h e a r d t h e m ta lk ing a b o u t m e . In tha t forest b e t w e e n sleep a n d wakefulness I u n d e r s t o o d , w i t h i m m e a s u r a b l e relief, t he i r w o r d s . I t r i e d to fix t h e m i n m y b ra in for later, k n o w ­i n g t h e futility o f t h e exercise. M y everyday m i n d w o u l d close over tha t fertile p lace l ike p a r k i n g lo t c e m e n t . I was s u s p e n d e d in a vast lonel iness as p u r e a n d c rue l as t h e sky. T h e w o m e n w e r e ta lk ing t o m e . I w a n t e d t o g rab m y h e a d a n d shake t h e c e m e n t o u t o f it . T h e y s h o u t e d as if t o a dea f p e r s o n o r an id io t . T h e y p u t t h e p e n in m y hands , i nd i ca t ing tha t I w r i t e a n d r e m e m b e r n a m e s — unc les , cous ins , m o t h e r ' s sisters h u s b a n d s — t h e n a j a b in t h e r ibs .

' R a t t i b e n , cha pio. ' N a k k i was s t a n d i n g over m e w i t h a c u p o f tea in h e r h a n d . I m u s t n o t sleep the re . S c o r p i o n s . It was t i m e t o m o v e c a m p .

I h a d n o t slept m o r e t h a n t w o h o u r s a day for h o w m a n y days? Ten? Twen ty? I h a d lost all sense o f t i m e . I h a d a soa r ing t e m p e r a ­tu re a n d c o u l d bare ly swallow. T h e y t a u n t e d m e cons tant ly : ' I f y o u ' r e ill, y o u ' d b e t t e r g o b a c k t o B h u j . . . A r e n ' t y o u t i red yet? So t i red tha t y o u ' l l have to g o b a c k t o B h u j ? '

D o t h e y really w a n t m e to leave? H o w m u s t I behave? I d o n o t u n d e r s t a n d w h a t is g o i n g o n a r o u n d m e . I h e a r t h e m ta lk ing a b o u t m e t h e w h o l e t ime , t u r n i n g m y p r e s e n c e over l ike a rock . W h a t are t h e y saying? - I h a d set u p m y t en t , h o p i n g for sleep b u t t h e sheep spen t all n i g h t j u m p i n g o n it a n d t w o spen t t h e n i g h t ins ide it. T h e y r u b b e d the i r noses o n it so tha t globs o f a n t h r a x g r e e n sno t h u n g off it i n t h e m o r n i n g . A n o t h e r n i g h t I d r a g g e d m y swag a b o u t fifteen feet ou t s ide t h e f lock a n d fell i n t o unconsc iousnes s . N o o n e saw m e as t h e y h a d g o n e to an uncle 's c a m p to sing. B u t I was w o k e n by t h e w o m e n - b lack ghosts against a b a c k g r o u n d o f stars. T h e y o r d e r e d m e b a c k t o m y co t . I s e e t h e d w i t h rage. D i d n ' t t h e y

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u n d e r s t a n d tha t I c o u l d n o t k e e p g o i n g w i t h o u t sleep? T h e y l a u g h e d , p e c k e d at m e . T h e i r f ingers d u g , b o n y as w i t c h e s .

' I f y o u sleep o u t he re , P h a g u wi l l s end y o u b a c k to Bhu j . ' H o w I h a t e d t h e m . T h e sheep a n d goats c h e w e d a n d d iges ted a n d c o u g h e d . T h e y w e r e so full o f disease t h e y w e r e bare ly alive, y e t t h e y c h e w e d t h e c o u n t r y i n t o dust . T h e grea t g r i n d i n g s t o m a c h o f India , e v e r y t h i n g f eed ing off e v e r y t h i n g else.

W h e n I w o k e each m o r n i n g it was t o dread . I m u s t face t h e m . I m u s t sit a n d eat w i t h t h e m . S o m e t i m e s t hey smi led at m e o r l a u g h e d b u t I c o u l d n o t read t he i r faces. T h e y l o o k e d at m e s ide ­ways a n d t h o u g h t the i r o w n t h o u g h t s . T h e y h a d n o i n k l i n g w h a t t o r t u r e it was t o b e unab l e t o speak, u n a b l e t o o r d e r t h e w o r l d in any way , e x p o s e d a n d w r e t c h e d in a p lace w h e r e even t h e sky was s t range. M y o t h e r life was u n i m a g i n a b l e t o t h e m a n d so t h e r e ­fore was t h e d e g r e e o f stress — sol i tary c o n f i n e m e n t a n d sleep dep r iva t i on c o m b i n e d .

T h e c o u n t r y was b u t c h e r e d , n o t h i n g b u t r u b b l e a n d dust . N o t h ­i n g inv i ted t h e eye o r t h e soul . T h e l igh t bea t t h e c o l o u r o u t o f eve ry th ing . B l u e b e c a m e w h i t e . G r e e n , a dul l g rey o r d u n . O n l y t h e w o m e n ' s b lack w i t h s t o o d t h e d o m i n a t i o n o f sun , l ike t iny rents i n t h e shee t o f l ight . T h e m e n in w h i t e m e r g e d w i t h s h e e p o r rocks a n d b e c a m e invisible. I n t h e e v e n i n g t h e flocks p o u r e d o u t o f t h e ravines . W h e n t h e y a r r ived in camp , t h e dus t was u n e n ­durab le . T h r o u g h o u t t h e n i g h t t h e an imals , p a c k e d close a r o u n d m e , scraped themse lves against m y cot . I w h i p p e d at t h e m w i t h a r o p e in fury. I d a m a g e d m y e lbows a n d h a n d s b y p u n c h i n g t h e m .

S o m e t i m e s it h a p p e n e d tha t I c o u l d n o t ge t w a t e r for myse l f as m y c o m p a n i o n s h a d n o t to ld m e w e w e r e to b r e a k c a m p early. I h a d n o w a y o f f ind ing o u t h o w far I m i g h t have t o wa lk w i t h o u t a d r i n k . I was as helpless as an infant . I w e n t by mysel f t o a n e a r b y t ra in s iding, nameless t o a n y o n e b u t its o c c u p a n t s . Pe rhaps t h e r e w o u l d b e a shop . S o m e t h i n g coo l . M a y b e even ice. To step o u t o f t h e shade was t o feel nausea . It was already a u t u m n . H o w d o t h e y survive t h e s u m m e r ? H o w does any th ing? Jus t a five-mile w a l k a n d at t h e e n d o f it s o m e t h i n g coo l . S o m e t h i n g different. A n d I c o u l d b e o n m y o w n d u r i n g tha t five mi les if I c o u l d avoid b e i n g seen. I a p p r o a c h e d t h e s iding, p u l l e d an o r n i over m y face. A r u t t e d street , dus ty trees, a few sick dogs w i t h r ibs l ike p i a n o keys,

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p a n t i n g in t h e shade. A l ine o f t rack r an o n e w a y to n o t h i n g a n d lost itself i n n o t h i n g in t h e o t h e r d i r ec t ion . A l o n g tha t l ine , f rom o n e e n d o f n o r t h India t o t h e o the r , I i m a g i n e d ident ica l clusters o f hu t s , t h e same cows n o s i n g garbage , t h e same ch i ld ren in rags a n d silver, eyes filled w i t h flies. I n e i the r d i r ec t ion the re was n o w h e r e to go .

T h e r e was a shop , t h e usual shack d i s t r i bu t ing g o o d s f rom tins a n d sacks, even h e r e t r i cked o u t t o en t i ce w i t h c h e a p lit t le geegaws . N o ice, b u t o r a n g e soda t h e t e m p e r a t u r e a n d cons i s tency o f b l o o d . I d r a n k four bo t t l es . P e o p l e b e g a n t o col lect . Has t i ly I b o u g h t sweets — h a r d e n e d , s p u n sugar cove red in grey di r t — a n d h u r r i e d b a c k to camp .

S o m e t i m e s w e passed t h e outsk i r t s o f villages, w h i c h to m e w e r e de f ined b y w h e t h e r t h e y m i g h t have a t e l e p h o n e a n d if so h o w I m i g h t ge t the re . If I c o u l d h e a r Na rend ra ' s vo ice , if I c o u l d express even o n e fluent t h o u g h t , I c o u l d k e e p g o i n g . I c o u l d r i n g for K o j u a n d t h e j e e p . A n i n t e r p r e t e r f rom s o m e w h e r e . T h e v i l ­lage m i g h t b e so close y o u c o u l d see its detai l . W h y d id t h e y refuse t o le t m e go? It w o u l d take an h o u r a n d a half t o w a l k the re , an h o u r a n d a half t o w a l k back , a n d b y t h e n it w o u l d b e nightfall a n d t o o d a n g e r o u s t o b e o u t a lone . Was tha t it? Pe rhaps t h e y k n e w tha t par t i cu la r vil lage h a d n o p h o n e ? O r w e r e t h e y k e e p i n g m e h e r e o u t o f sheer spite? S o m e t i m e s N a k k i w o u l d a n n o u n c e tha t w e w e r e all g o i n g t o a vil lage t h e fo l lowing day a n d I w o u l d g o t o b e d cu r l ing a r o u n d t h e idea o f t o m o r r o w as if it w e r e m y chi ld . T h e n , w h e n it was t i m e to b r e a k c a m p i n t h e m o r n i n g , w e w o u l d leave t h e v ic in i ty o f t h e vil lage a l toge the r a n d w a l k in t h e o p p o s i t e d i r ec t ion . T h e desire t o talk was like s o m e fantastic h u n g e r ; t hey w e r e m y to r tu r e r s , k e e p i n g t h e food j u s t b e y o n d reach .

Ma la r i a b e g a n to fell t h e shephe rds w h e r e t h e y s tood . M y o w n b o d y was sl imy w i t h fever. I m u s t n o t ge t ill. I must n o t . . . O n e a f t e rnoon , at last, t h e w o m e n d i r ec t ed m e t o ge t ready; w e w e r e h e a d i n g i n t o t o w n for in jec t ions a n d suppl ies . T h r e e miles a l ong a pa th , t h e n o n to t h e road , all t h e w h i l e i m a g i n i n g Na rend ra ' s vo i ce - l ike b e i n g a lone o n a b o a t at n igh t , toss ing in a s t o r m y sea b u t see ing t h e s teady b l ink o f t h e p o r t b e a c o n .

T h e d o c t o r cal led m e i n t o his office a n d as usual t h e R a b a r i

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t r o o p e d in b e h i n d m e . H e l a u g h e d a n d sat t h e m d o w n , o r d e r i n g tea a n d water .

' I , t o o , a d m i r e these p e o p l e . T h e i r lives are ve ry hard. ' 'You ' re te l l ing me , ' I said. ' N o w y o u wi l l g o t o m y h o m e n e x t d o o r a n d m e e t m y wife .

T h e r e y o u wi l l have a h o t shower. ' I t u r n e d t o c h e c k w i t h N a k k i . 'It 's all r ight , ' said t h e d o c t o r . ' T h e y wi l l wa i t o u t u n d e r t h e shade o n c e I have a t t e n d e d t o t h e m . '

I d o n o t even r e m e m b e r his n a m e . B u t t o tha t d o c t o r I o w e a p o r t i o n o f m y sanity. N o r d id I care tha t I a b a n d o n e d m y fr iends for t h e comfor t s o f m y class. I s c r u b b e d a n d s c r u b b e d in tha t s h o w e r a n d I t h i n k I p robab ly sang. H a l f an h o u r la ter w e w e r e b a c k in t h e streets, p u s h i n g u p s t r e a m against t h e r iver o f souls . I b o u g h t a b o x o f sweets t o take t o t h e d o c t o r o n t h e w a y h o m e a n d as m a n y vegetables as I c o u l d ca r ry for t h e dang . T h e n I to ld N a k k i tha t I m u s t f ind an S T D b o o t h to r i n g J o d h p u r . Yes, I c o u l d g o b u t I m u s t b e q u i c k . (This she i n d i c a t e d b y s n a p p i n g h e r fingers.) T h e y w o u l d wa i t for m e he re . I h u r r i e d off.

It t o o k a l o n g t i m e to find t h e b o o t h . E v e r y o n e I asked s e e m e d to p o i n t i n a different d i r ec t ion . T h e n , as usual , s o m e o n e f rom t h e c r o w d I h a d ga the red , a b o u t t h i r t y p e o p l e b y now, t o o k c o m m a n d a n d l ed m e u p n a r r o w alleys a n d b e h i n d bazaars. T e n p e o p l e c r o w d e d i n t o a r o o m t h e size o f a lavatory. B r e a t h i n g was difficult. Swea t sa tura ted c lo thes . M y h e a d was bu r s t ing . T h e b o o t h wal lah c o u l d n ' t ge t J o d h p u r . ( O h please, please.) After t e n m i n u t e s o r so, h e h a n d e d t h e p h o n e to m e .

' M a d a m , t h e l ine is ve ry b a d . Y o u m u s t shout . ' I s h o u t e d , ' N a r e n d r a . . .' a n d t h e r e was his faint, inf ini te ly

l o n g e d for vo ice . 'Are y o u all r igh t? W h e r e are y o u ? S h o u l d I c o m e ? ' ' I can ' t talk now, ' I yel led. ' T o o difficult. Yes, I ' m all r i g h t . . . ' W h a t ? I can ' t h e a r you . ' 'I'm all right . . .' B u t t h e l ine h a d g o n e dead . I t r i ed t o r each D r

R a m a K r i s h n a b u t c o u l d n o t ge t t h r o u g h . I p u t t h e rece iver d o w n a n d to m y s h a m e , i n front o f t h i r ty p e o p l e , w h o s e s ta r ing faces c r a m m e d t h e d o o r w a y a n d pressed u p against t h e w i n d o w , I h i d m y eyes w i t h m y h a n d a n d c r i ed .

I a lmos t r a n b a c k t o o u r m e e t i n g p lace to find tha t a s h e p h e r d

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h a d c o m e f r o m t h e flocks t o tell us t o wa i t in t o w n , w h i c h w e d id for four h o u r s . As w e d id n o t k n o w w h e n w e w o u l d b e l eav ing I c o u l d n o t g o b a c k to t h e t e l e p h o n e n o r c o u l d I del iver t h e sweets .

F o u r h o u r s . W e sat o n t h e s co rch ing p a v e m e n t o r t o o k t u r n s ly ing o n a n a r r o w w o o d e n p l a n k hal f shaded b y a wall , n e x t t o a n o p e n l a t r ine w h o s e s t ench m i x e d w i t h t h e smells o f r o t t i n g ga r ­bage , c o o k i n g oi l a n d spice. Fifty yards d o w n o u r gully was t h e m e a t m a r k e t . P e o p l e s ipped tea bes ide a m o u n d o f s t e aming offal — ch ickens ' heads a n d feet, goa ts ' s t omachs , o t h e r less r ecogn izab le p ieces o f a n a t o m y b e i n g shovel led i n t o w o o d e n carts b y t h in , g l i s ten ing m e n u p to t he i r k n e e s in b l o o d a n d m u c k , n a k e d t o t h e waist , t h e sun l igh t p o u n d i n g d o w n o n t h e m like a h a m m e r r i n g ­i n g o n a m e t a l l id sc rewed d o w n t ight . H e a t a n d l ight , flies w h i c h w h i r l e d a r o u n d t h e piles o f s t icky sweets , t h e t eacups , t h e c h i l ­dren 's eyes, t h e r u n n i n g pigs , t h e w o m a n in crisp w h i t e sari s t e p p i n g daint i ly amids t t h e shit .

A l o n g c a m e a m a n c a r r y i n g a large p y t h o n . H e w o r e rags; t h e r e w e r e w e e p i n g sores u p a n d d o w n his legs. H e ex t r ac t ed m o n e y f r o m passers-by b y t h ru s t i ng t h e snake i n t o t he i r faces. H e saw m i n e a n d b o u n d e d over. F r o m u p close I saw tha t t h e snake's lips w e r e s t i t ched t o g e t h e r c r u d e l y w i t h s t r ing a n d its m o u t h was b l o o d y a n d d e f o r m e d . I t h a d n o l imbs w i t h w h i c h t o s t ruggle , n o m o u t h to p ro tes t its fate. All its suffering was c o n d e n s e d i n its eyes w h i c h , i n m e m o r y , are h u m a n l y expressive. F r o m a c o m f o r t a b l e d is tance — let's say t w e n t y feet, t ha t is t o say t h e d is tance m o n e y can b u y y o u - t h e sight o f t h e m a n w i t h t h e snake is marve l lous , s o m e t h i n g t o cap tu re in a lens . U p close it is m e r e l y t e r r ib le .

H o w o n e l o n g e d for t h e p o o r t o say, j u s t o n c e , ' W a r o n t h e palaces , p e a c e t o t h e cot tages! ' Yet w h e n e v e r a l o o k o f fury r e ­p l aced t h e se l f -contro l o n t h e faces a r o u n d m e , fear w o u l d c r eep u p m y b a c k a n d I w o u l d repea l t h e ins t inc t for r evo lu t ion . B e c a u s e h e r e w o u l d b e n o ver t ical e r u p t i o n — t h e b o t t o m layer fo rc ing its w a y t o t h e t o p - o n l y a lateral o n e in w h i c h e v e r y o n e t u r n e d o n e v e r y o n e else, a w a r o f all against all. S o m e t i m e s I t h o u g h t t h e conf lagra t ion m u s t b e i m m i n e n t a n d all tha t was n e e d e d t o ign i t e it was j u s t o n e m o r e c r o o k e d official, o n e m o r e l o r ry , o n e m o r e dec ibe l , o n e m o r e s t i t c h e d - u p snake t h r u s t i n t o o n e m o r e face b y o n e m o r e h u n g r y m a n .

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T h e s h e p h e r d c a m e t o fe tch us. I d o n ' t r e m e m b e r h o w m a n y w e w e r e , t e n p e r h a p s , c r a m m e d i n t o a t in r ickshaw. A t t h e e n d o f t h e r i d e w e h a d a c o u p l e o f miles still t o walk , c r o s s - c o u n t r y . B u t n o w the re was an a l terca t ion. T h e d r ive r was w a v i n g his a r m s a r o u n d , d e m a n d i n g m o r e m o n e y . It was a m a t t e r o f five r u p e e s . I t o o k a w o m a n aside a n d said I w o u l d pay. B u t Nakk i ' s sense o f injust ice o v e r w h e l m e d h e r g reed . It w e n t o n a n d o n . T e n m i n u t e s , t w e n t y m i n u t e s . W h y d idn ' t I j u s t h a n d five r u p e e s to t h e m a n , t w e n t y , a h u n d r e d ? I d o n ' t k n o w . I d id as t h e g r o u p d id . W e h a d t w o sick ch i ld ren w i t h us a n d o n e ve ry sick m a n . I s t o o d at t h e b a c k o f t h e g r o u p a n d t u r n i n g saw, for j u s t o n e m o m e n t in t h e face o f t h e w o m a n n e x t t o m e , b e n e a t h t h e I n d i a n fo rbearance , a despai r as o ld as t h e c o n t i n e n t itself. I p u s h e d t h r o u g h t h e w o m e n , h a n d e d t h e m a n five r u p e e s a n d w e set off across t h e fields. N a k k i m u t t e r e d to herse l f a b o u t c rooks a n d thieves.

A r j u n was w e a v i n g f rom side to side as h e wa lked . D o w n h e w e n t . W e p i c k e d h i m up . A n o t h e r h u n d r e d yards, d o w n again, m u m b l i n g to h imse l f in d e l i r i u m . T w o w o m e n s h o u l d e r e d h i m for a w h i l e , d i s t r ibu t ing the i r h e a v y h e a d b u n d l e s a m o n g t h e rest o f us . D o w n again. W e w a i t e d w i t h h i m for five m i n u t e s as h e lay m o a n i n g o n t h e g r o u n d . A n o t h e r h u n d r e d yards. A n o t h e r five-m i n u t e wai t . A n d thus to t h e dang . It was t i m e t o p a c k u p a n d m o v e , qu ick ly . A r j u n was shoved o n to t h e came l w i t h t h e sick a n d n e w b o r n l ambs . W e w a l k e d twe lve mi les .

T h e r e was n o m o r e o p e n c o u n t r y n o w ; w e c a m p e d always o n dark , p l o u g h e d fields. B lack dust , as t h i c k as p i t ch . S o m e days w e passed o t h e r g r o u p s o f R a b a r i w i t h the i r s tr ings o f camels . E v e r y ­o n e s e e m e d t o k n o w w h o t h e y w e r e a n d w h e r e t hey w e r e f rom. T h e r e w e r e m a n y dangs b e h i n d a n d m a n y in front , wave after w a v e o f sheep spil l ing o u t o f K u t c h i n t o t h e fertile fa rmlands o f Saurashtra .

E v e r y n o w a n d t h e n t h e hazy o u t l i n e o f a castle w o u l d appea r o n t h e h o r i z o n , a small t o w n c l i ng ing t o its skirts. W e s e e m e d t o b e c i rc l ing it l ike t h e r i b b o n s o f a m a y p o l e . Even tua l ly w e p u l l e d i n t o c a m p ju s t a c o u p l e o f miles away f rom it. I c o u l d see its V i c t o r i a n g o t h i c t ower s o n t h e o t h e r side o f t h e hill. W h e n I asked passers-by a b o u t it, t h e y to ld m e it h a d b e e n t u r n e d i n t o a

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g u e s t - h o u s e . In any case w h e r e t h e r e is a palace, t he r e is usual ly a t e l e p h o n e . T h e r e w o u l d b e t i m e t o w a l k in t o r i n g D r R a m a K r i s h n a t o s end m y j e e p a n d a t ranslator . T o b e able t o speak was n o w m o r e i m p o r t a n t t o m e t h a n food . I d id n o t le t myse l f h o p e t o ge t t h r o u g h t o J o d h p u r .

I crossed t h e fields t o a n e m p t y road . Befo re l o n g a y o u n g m a n p u l l e d u p bes ide m e o n a b icycle . ' W h e r e are y o u g o in g ? ' I p o i n t e d u p t h e s teep s t re tch o f gravel a n d rocks t o t h e castle o n its s u m m i t . H e b e c k o n e d m e u p b e h i n d h i m .

As it was clear t o m e tha t I h a d fallen t h r o u g h a rabb i t h o l e s o m e t i m e before a n d was l iv ing in a reali ty i n w h i c h I f o u n d myself, w i t h o u t m u c h surpr ise , d o i n g c u r i o u s e r a n d c u r i o u s e r t h ings , I p e r c h e d s ide-saddle b e h i n d h i m , careful n o t t o offend h i m b y t o u c h i n g h i m , b u t i n danger , therefore , o f capsiz ing us b o t h . ' W h e r e a m I? W h y a m I d o i n g this? '

M y chauffeur puffed a n d w h e e z e d un t i l w e r e a c h e d t h e castle gates b e y o n d w h i c h h e refused to go . 'Ho te l , ' I said, p o i n t i n g , t h e n added , ' C o m e in for tea. ' B u t h e s h o o k his head . I offered h i m s o m e m o n e y a n d saw tha t I h a d of fended h i m . ( W o u l d I n e v e r ge t this r ight?) B u t h e said I m u s t d o s o m e t h i n g for h i m . Fo r t h e life o f m e I c o u l d n ' t m a k e o u t w h a t it was . S o m e t h i n g a b o u t ' C h a r m a n n i ' a n d w r i t i n g .

' D o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d . C o m e m o r n i n g R a b a r i o n hill. ' I t u r n e d t o e n t e r t h e gates b u t h e w o u l d n o t let m e go. T h e r e was u r g e n c y in his vo ice ; I h a d n o idea w h a t h e was saying. ' T o m o r r o w , ' I said, con t ro l l i ng hyster ia a n d p o i n t i n g again d o w n t h e road . H e o p e n e d his m o u t h t o speak. ' G o away,' I said, less v ic ious ly t h a n I felt.

T h e pa lace d id n o t l o o k l ike a h o t e l . It l o o k e d l ike s o m e t h i n g o u t o f Grimm's Fairy Tales. B u t t h e n I d id n o t l o o k l ike a guest . A m a n was shift ing fu rn i tu re a b o u t i n an an ne xe , a graceful ve ran¬ dah 'd r o w o f r o o m s . I c r u n c h e d across t h e w e e d - i n f e s t e d gravel o f t h e dr ive , consc ious o f m y unspeakab ly filthy k u r t a a n d even f i l th­ier c h u n n i a r o u n d m y h e a d . I l o o k e d d o w n at m y feet a n d h o p e d h e w o u l d n o t d o t h e same .

' E x c u s e m e , I 've b e e n t o ld this is a g u e s t - h o u s e . I w o n d e r , w o u l d it b e possible t o . . .? '

'Please wai t . I ' l l b e w i t h y o u in a m o m e n t . ' Thankfu l ly h e d id n o t s e e m t o n o t i c e tha t h e was dea l ing w i t h

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a h e a t - , th i r s t - a n d fa t igue-c razed , possibly dange rous , p e r s o n a n d g r e e t e d m y arr ival as if w e w e r e a b o u t t o c o n t i n u e a conver sa t ion b e g u n t h e day before . S o o n e n o u g h this g e n t l e m a n (for h e was cer ta in ly tha t ) , c a m e ou t , ro l led d o w n his l i n e n shirtsleeves a n d l ed m e t o t h e ' h o u s e ' .

' U r n , y o u see I w o n d e r e d if this was a h o t e l because . . .' I was g u i d e d t o a cane table in t h e vast s t one a t r i u m , asked to

wai t , a n d left a lone . I t h o u g h t o f t h e seconds t i ck ing by , m i n u t e s was t ed before I h a d t o g o b a c k t o t h e dang . A l o n g t i m e la ter a servant b r o u g h t m e a glass o f w a t e r o n a tray. I d o w n e d it i n o n e gulp . H e b r o u g h t a n o t h e r .

'Is this a ho t e l ? ' ' R a j a h sahib wi l l b e b a c k short ly. ' Even tua l ly m y hos t r e t u r n e d in cr isp w h i t e k u r t a a n d freshly

c o m b e d hair. H e smel t o f expens ive soap, s a n d a l w o o d a n d m o t h ­balls. H e c o m p o s e d h imse l f i n t h e chai r oppos i t e a n d said, 'L iv ings tone , I p r e sume . '

I go t t h e j o k e a n d asked Stanley if this w e r e a h o t e l . B u t t h e mahara j ah w a n t e d t o talk a b o u t t h e fate o f t h e R a j p u t ru le rs after I n d e p e n d e n c e . A b o u t h o w difficult it h a d b e e n for t h e m . H e w a n t e d to k n o w w h y m o r e wasn ' t w r i t t e n a b o u t t h e R a j p u t ru le rs after I n d e p e n d e n c e . H e w a n t e d t o k n o w w h y t h e rest o f t h e w o r l d was n o t as in te res ted as it s h o u l d b e in t h e R a j p u t ru lers after I n d e p e n d e n c e . ( T h e i m a g e o f a s t e aming t e a c u p a n d a b u c k e t o f w a t e r was fading l ike t h e C h e s h i r e cat's smile.)

' H m m , ' I said. 'You see,' h e said, ' w e w e r e g rea te r t h a n t h e k ings o f E u r o p e

because w e actual ly o w n e d t h e lives o f t h o u s a n d s o f people . ' I t h o u g h t tha t o w n i n g t h e lives o f t h o u s a n d s o f p e o p l e was

p e r h a p s n o t s o m e t h i n g to boas t a b o u t in these t imes . B u t t h e n it s t ruck m e t ha t w h a t e v e r t imes w e w e r e in , t h e y w e r e n o t these ones so I said n o t h i n g . Occas iona l ly h e w o u l d ask m e a q u e s t i o n b u t t h e answer s e e m e d n o t t o p e n e t r a t e v e r y far. H e sugges ted I w r i t e a b o u t t h e R a j p u t ru lers after I n d e p e n d e n c e . I d id m a n a g e to ask if h e h a d a t e l e p h o n e . T h i s s e e m e d t o b e m u s e h i m for a m o m e n t , as if t h e m e n t i o n o f t e l e p h o n e s was d r a g g i n g h i m b a c k f rom t h e k inds o f places w h e r e n o b o d y o f any c o n s e q u e n c e asked a b o u t t e l e p h o n e s . H e answered w i t h a v a g u e wave o f t h e h a n d . (A

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t rans la tor faded, a l o n g w i t h t h e tea a n d t h e wash. ) A t last I asked if I m i g h t have s o m e m o r e wate r . T w o glasses o f g r e e n cordial w e r e b r o u g h t . I d o w n e d m i n e as a footbal ler m i g h t at ha l f - t ime . If t h e maha ra j ah n o t i c e d h e was t o o wel l b r e d t o s h o w it.

T r y i n g t o b r i n g t h e conver sa t ion a r o u n d to s o m e t h i n g in w h i c h I m i g h t b e able t o m a k e a n a p p e a r a n c e a n d in w h i c h I c o u l d at least say o u t l o u d t h e n a m e o f m y f r iend for w h o m I f o u n d myse l f l o n g i n g i n a ser ious k i n d o f way , I asked h i m if h e k n e w N a r e n d r a .

' O f course . W h o does n o t ? ' H e paused . ' B u t he's n o t a real p r i n c e , y o u k n o w '

T h e sun was s ink ing . T h e mahara j ah e x c u s e d himself. H e h a d s o m e R a j p u t pujas t o p e r f o r m . H e w o u l d have his p e o n dr ive m e b a c k to t h e d a n g . I t h a n k e d h i m . H e said, n o t at all.

' B u t tell m e is this a h o t e l o r n o t ? ' ' H m m . Perhaps. ' T h e n h e was g o n e , swal lowed u p b y lost t i m e . D e s p i t e m y d i s a p p o i n t m e n t I c o u l d n o t focus any d e e p r e sen t ­

m e n t o n t h e mahara jah . T h e f u n c t i o n o f a p r i n c e is n o t t o i m a g i n e ano the r ' s state b u t t o b e i m a g i n e d . I h a d n o t i c e d this o d d d i s e n g a g e m e n t before in m a n y o f t h e e r s twhi l e k ings — the i r i nab i l ­i ty t o h e a r w h a t y o u say, t h e a s s u m p t i o n tha t t he i r n e e d s are p a r a m o u n t a n d tha t e v e r y o n e wi l l au tomat ica l ly fulfil t hose needs . T h e narcissism is n o t insu l t ing . It is t o o d e e p a be l i e f t o b e insu l t ­ing . A n d it is n o t pe r sona l , it is func t iona l . A p r i n c e is on ly g iven m e a n i n g b y t h e reve ren t gaze o f o the r s . H i s o w n eyes l o o k b e y o n d a n d above .

N o o n e was p re sen t at t h e table b u t Stanley. L iv ings tone m e l t e d b a c k i n t o t h e j u n g l e .

A n e w state o f a ccep t ance d e s c e n d e d o n m e tha t n i g h t o n t h e d a n g . I w o u l d n o t a u g m e n t difficulties b y p r o t e s t i n g against t h e m , as this o n l y l ed t o failure a n d was t ed ene rgy . I c o u l d n o t affect e x t e r n a l events , all I c o u l d c h a n g e was m y o w n response to t h e m . A m o r s e l o f H i n d u i s m p e n e t r a t e d m y soul tha t e v e n i n g .

I n t h e m o r n i n g a b icyc le m a d e its s low progress across t h e fields. T h e w o m e n g r e e t e d t h e s t ranger w i t h po l i t e reserve. N a k k i cast m e l ooks .

I t n o w b e c a m e clear (I h a d a p o c k e t H i n d i d i c t i o n a r y w i t h m e ) w h a t m y bicyclist w a n t e d . H e was a M u s l i m . H e h a d lost his j o b

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here . H e was b r o k e a n d h e was f r igh tened . I m u s t he lp h i m b y w r i t i n g a le t te r t o a G e r m a n tour i s t w h o m h e h a d d r i v e n a r o u n d for a sho r t t i m e because tha t G e r m a n tour i s t w o u l d surely send h i m a t icket t o t h e wes t . H e h a d peda l l ed t e n mi les f rom his village t o m a k e this reques t .

'I can ' t w r i t e i n G e r m a n . ' ' T h e n in Engl ish. ' I t o re o u t a page o f m y g r i m y n o t e b o o k and , after e x p e r i e n ­

c ing s o m e difficulty in focus ing m y t h o u g h t s , w r o t e t h e fo l lowing: ' I a m an Aust ra l ian vis i tor t o India . I a m w r i t i n g this l e t t e r o n beha l f o f a f r iend — a y o u n g m a n f rom t h e vil lage — w h o m y o u k n o w . I u n d e r s t a n d h e was y o u r d r iver for s o m e t i m e he re . H e is i n t roub le a n d in n e e d o f a j o b . H e h o p e s tha t pe rhaps y o u can offer h i m s o m e sor t o f w o r k in G e r m a n y . Please wi l l y o u w r i t e t o h i m at t h e above address. E v e n if y o u c a n n o t he lp h i m , it w o u l d b e m o s t k i n d o f y o u to w r i t e back. ' I w a n t e d t o sign it Al ice in W o n d e r l a n d b u t t h o u g h t it m i g h t lessen t h e bicyclist 's chances .

H e c l u t c h e d t h e le t te r l ike a d r o w n i n g m a n a n d t o o k off. I w e n t t o collapse o n m y b u n k . S o m e t h i n g m o v e d b e n e a t h m e . I rose, ho r i zon ta l ly , i n t o t h e air, w h i p p i n g t h e b lanke t o u t f rom u n d e r m e at t h e same t ime . T h e r e was a sp ider t h e size o f a h y b r i d c lemat is w i t h ha i ry legs a n d che la ted , se r ra ted m o u t h p a r t s so large t hey c o u l d c u t t h r o u g h t e l e p h o n e cable in o n e c h o m p . It was l o o k i n g at m e . It wasn ' t p leased. I g r a b b e d Jaivi b y t h e o r n i a n d t u g g e d h e r over. She l o o k e d at t h e spider, l o o k e d at m e , a n d said w h a t I can o n l y suppose was t h e K u t c h i equ iva len t o f ' 'So? ' It was , i n fact, a r a the r f ine s p e c i m e n o f w h a t is k n o w n as a c a m e l spider. I c l u b b e d it t o dea th .

M y e n l i g h t e n e d accep t ance o f th ings as t hey are lasted un t i l w e r e a c h e d t h e outski r t s o f y e t a n o t h e r vil lage, a day o r t w o , o r poss i ­bly t h r e e o r four, la ter ( t ime, he re , h a d t h e tensi le capacit ies o f c h e w i n g g u m ) . I exp la ined to P h a g u tha t I mus t , now, w a l k to tha t village t o r i n g for t h e j e e p . N o t h i n g w o u l d de t e r m e . H e s e e m e d to u n d e r s t a n d . H e w a t c h e d as I p a c k e d a little knapsack a n d wate r , w a t c h e d m y e x c i t e m e n t a n d h o p e b u i l d i n g and , as I was a b o u t t o set off w i t h m y stick a n d a j a u n t y wave to m y fr iends w h o w e r e l o o k i n g at m e in a d e a d sor t o f way, h e s t o p p e d m e , saying, 'You

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g o t o m o r r o w , n o t today. ' I s tared at h i m , t h e n , w i t h o u t a w o r d , p a c k e d away m y th ings a n d sat, s m o u l d e r i n g , o n m y co t . S o m e ­t h i n g t e r r ib l e h a p p e n s to y o u r innards w h e n y o u suppress tha t m u c h anger . T h e y t u r n i n t o snakes a n d b i t e e ach o the r .

T h a t n i g h t I d r e a m t tha t o u r c a m p was s u r r o u n d e d b y dacoi ts , e ach w i t h six e n o r m o u s penises . T h e heads o f t hose penises t o o k t h e f o r m o f t h e m o u t h p a r t s o f a c a m e l spider. I s l augh te red t h e dacoi ts i n va r ious ways un t i l t h e w h o l e d a n g was awash w i t h b l o o d .

I n t h e m o r n i n g I again p a c k e d u p m y th ings . P h a g u was r e l u c ­t an t t o let m e go. ' I can ' t c o m e w i t h you , ' h e said b y w a y o f e x p l a n a t i o n and , I saw n o w , apo logy . I s h o o k his h a n d , l a u g h e d a n d said, ' I a m g o i n g . It is necessary. '

H e w a l k e d a li t t le w a y w i t h m e across t h e s tubble l o o k i n g c o n c e r n e d , hes i ta ted a n d eventua l ly said, ' Jao ' (go) . As I t u r n e d , t he re , c h a r g i n g across t h e fields, was a funne l o f dust . O h n o b l e j e e p . O h blessed con t ac t w i t h t h e ou t s ide w o r l d . I w o u l d have g o n e d o w n o n m y k n e e s a n d w e p t w i t h g r a t i t u d e if P h a g u h a d n o t b e e n w a t c h i n g . A n d b e h i n d t h e w h e e l , l ike a cavalry flag, Koju 's p r o u d m o u s t a c h e , Koju 's smile. H e h a d b r o u g h t mai l , b a c k issues o f The New York Review of Books a n d a l e t t e r f rom N a r e n d r a . A n d h e h a d b r o u g h t P r a v e e n S i n g h j i f r o m t h e B h u j d e p a r t m e n t w h o w a n t e d to see h o w I was ge t t i ng a long . W o r d s , w o r d s , beaut i fu l w o r d s . A n avalanche o f w o r d s .

T h r o u g h P raveen S i n g h w h o spoke H i n d i , a n d K o j u w h o s e m u m b l e s a n d sign l a n g u a g e I h a d d e c i p h e r e d l o n g ago, w e w e r e able t o c o m m u n i c a t e at last. E v e r y d a y speech , even at its m o s t basic, is a sub l imina l t r i m m i n g device , k e e p i n g t h o u g h t s f rom stray­i n g t o o far off cen t re . W i t h o u t it y o u can f ind you r se l f i n s o m e fairly pecu l i a r m e n t a l places, especially w h e n y o u have d e v e l o p e d a k i n d o f hos t age s y n d r o m e i n re la t ion to t h e p e o p l e a r o u n d y o u . N o w I saw, in t h e e n t h u s i a s m w i t h w h i c h t h e y spoke to m e t h r o u g h P r a v e e n S ingh , tha t t h e inabi l i ty t o c o m m u n i c a t e h a d b e e n frust ra t ing for t h e m as wel l .

T h e y h a d on ly j o k e d a b o u t m y g o i n g b a c k t o B h u j because t h e y t h o u g h t I n e e d e d c h e e r i n g u p . I d id n o t l o o k happy ; t h e y w e r e w o r r i e d for m e . T h e y felt b e t t e r if t h e y c o u l d m a k e m e l a u g h b u t lately I h a d n o t b e e n l a u g h i n g at all. T h e y l iked h a v i n g

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m e w i t h t h e m a n d t hey w a n t e d m e to stay, b u t I m u s t n o t sleep ou t s ide t h e d a n g unless I h a d a pistol . T h e y w e r e responsib le for m y safety.

' B u t I c a n n o t sleep,' I said, ' a n d I w o u l d r a the r die o f dacoi ts t h a n o f exhaus t ion . ' A c o m p r o m i s e was r eached . I c o u l d sleep ins ide t h e t en t , j u s t o n t h e outski r t s o f t h e flock. B u t if I c o u l d n o t ge t a pistol , at least I m u s t k e e p a stick w i t h m e .

T h e r e was a k i n d o f p a r t y tha t n igh t . O t h e r families c a m e b y h a p p y t o have t h e c h a n c e to ask ques t ions , m a k e j o k e s , b u t above all t o exp la in to m e h o w t h e d a n g o p e r a t e d , its d e e p s t ruc tu re .

'You see, this is w h y w e c o u l d n o t let y o u g o i n t o t own . ' 'Yes, yes , R a t t i b e n . N o w y o u u n d e r s t a n d w h y w e h a d t o leave

t h e c a m p so early.' 'Tha t ' s r igh t , w h e n y o u saw t h e s h e p h e r d w a v i n g his t u r b a n

f rom t h e hill h e was ind ica t ing w h e r e t h e flocks were . ' ' N o , R a t t i , P h a g u is n o t pa id a n y t h i n g to b e a m u k k i b u t his

expenses are sha red b y e v e r y o n e o n t h e dang. ' T h e m o s t satisfying p i ece o f i n f o r m a t i o n , as far as I was c o n ­

c e r n e d , was tha t Pala bha i , h a v i n g h e a r d o n t h e g r a p e v i n e (a far m o r e effective c o m m u n i c a t i o n n e t w o r k tha t t h e S T D b o o t h s ) tha t I was p r o v i n g an asset r a t h e r t h a n a liability, h a d sent w o r d w i t h P raveen S i n g h tha t I s h o u l d leave Phagu ' s d a n g a n d j o i n his o w n .

' B u t this is h e r dang, ' said P a r m a i nd ignan t l y a n d I assured h e r I h a d n o i n t e n t i o n o f leaving.

P h a g u filled in t h e details o f his w o r k . Usua l ly t w o m e n s c o u t e d ahead , i n c l u d i n g himself. T h e n i g h t be fore h e w o u l d tell e v e r y o n e w h e r e t h e fo l lowing day's r o u t e a n d c a m p w o u l d b e , w h e r e t h e wa te r , w h e r e t h e graz ing . If t he r e was any c h a n g e t o t h e p lan h e w o u l d c o m e b a c k to i n f o r m t h e w o m e n . O t h e r w i s e t hey w o u l d h e a d in t h e d i r ec t ion o f t h e ag reed p lace a n d e i the r ca tch u p w i t h t h e flocks o r i nqu i r e . T h e shepherds w o u l d leave special ma rke r s t o s h o w w h i c h w a y t hey h a d g o n e o r t o ind ica te w h i c h t rack n o t t o take. P h a g u h imse l f m i g h t have t o travel m a n y mi les a h e a d a n d if a bus was available h e s o m e t i m e s t o o k o n e . M o s t of ten h e wa lked .

T h e m a i n i n c o m e a long t h e way was f rom s h e e p d r o p p i n g s .

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P h a g u w o u l d n e g o t i a t e w i t h a f a r m e r to c a m p o n a pa r t i cu la r field. T h e sheep w o u l d eat t h e s tubble (actually t h e y w o u l d c o n ­ve rge o n t h e field r a t h e r l ike v a c u u m cleaners) a n d o u t t h e o t h e r e n d c a m e r e a d y - m a d e fertilizer, t h e p a y m e n t for w h i c h w o u l d b e d i s t r ibu ted p r o p o r t i o n a t e l y a m o n g m e m b e r s o f t h e dang , a c c o r d i n g t o t h e n u m b e r o f sheep each family h a d . O n c e P h a g u h a d n e g o t i a t e d t h e deal for t h e sheep shit , h e w o u l d leave his c lo th w i t h t h e o w n e r o f t h e field t o c o n f i r m to t h e graziers tha t this field was b o o k e d .

' I f t h e h e a d o f a family of, say, four b r o t h e r s a n d o n e sister dec ides tha t o n l y o n e m e m b e r o f tha t family s h o u l d g o o n t h e dang , t h e n t h e b r o t h e r s a n d sister wi l l give tha t o n e a fixed w a g e for g r az ing t h e sheep, w h e t h e r o r n o t t he r e is any profi t f r o m fertilizer, m e a t o r w o o l sales. If t he r e is a profi t , it wi l l la ter b e d i s t r ibu ted a m o n g t h e m e m b e r s o f t h e family. '

' B u t surely this m u s t lead to confus ion s o m e t i m e s . W h a t d o y o u d o if t he r e are d i sag reemen t s a m o n g yourse lves , o r w i t h outs iders? '

' T h e r e are n e v e r fights b e t w e e n o r a m o n g dangs . N o , never . Pe rhaps a m u k k i m i g h t chastise a y o u n g e r fe l low if h e doesn ' t fo l low t h e c o d e a n d grazes w h e r e h e shou ldn ' t . B u t that 's all. If ever t he r e is a po l i ce case invo lv ing o n e p e r s o n o f t h e d a n g w h o has, say, b e a t e n u p a thief, t h e n t h e m o n e y pa id to t h e po l i ce t o avoid t h e case, o r any legal fees, wi l l b e pa id b y all m e m b e r s o f t h e dang. '

E v e r y o n e was fired u p b y these ques t ions . T h e y loved t a lk ing a b o u t themse lves a n d w e r e just if iably p r o u d o f t he i r exper t i se . It h a d b e e n a g o o d excuse to stay u p late, t o share p rashad a n d d r i n k tea; n o w p e o p l e b e g a n t o drift away t o the i r c a m p s to t h e s o u n d o f g ra t ing k n e e s a n d ' E e e h , B h a g w a n s ' . A few chuck le s a n d snatches o f s o n g c o u l d b e h e a r d dr i f t ing across t h e sea o f sheep, t h e n si lence.

P h a g u lay b a c k o n t h e b e d , puff ing his c h i l l u m a n d s tar ing u p at t h e sky.

' D o y o u k n o w t h e stars, P h a g u ? ' ' O h , yes . I n t imes past w e R a b a r i nav iga ted ent i re ly b y t h e stars.

W e w e r e t h e pa th f inders , w h i c h is w h a t o u r n a m e m e a n s . C e r t a i n conf igura t ions gave t h e t i m e a n d place t o a ve ry accura te deg ree .

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B u t these days t h e r e are w a t c h e s a n d t h e c o u n t r y is closely set t led, so tha t d e g r e e o f k n o w l e d g e is l o s t . . .'

'A l ready t h e r e are so m a n y changes . I w o n d e r w h a t y o u r g r a n d c h i l d r e n wil l b e like? H o w wil l t h e y live?'

' P e o p l e tell m e t h e r e is n o fu ture in w h a t I a m d o i n g a n d tha t I s h o u l d sell m y flocks. B u t h o w can I w o r r y a b o u t these th ings n o w ? G r a z i n g t h e sheep takes all m y t i m e a n d effort a n d c o n c e n t r a t i o n . I ' m t o o c o n c e r n e d w i t h survival, R a t t i b e n , t o answer y o u r d e e p ques t ions . '

I n t h e m o r n i n g t h e r e was a co l l ec t ion a r o u n d , u n d e r a n d w i t h i n t h e j e e p . P e o p l e c l i m b e d over t h e b o n n e t o r sat o n t h e r o o f rack. P a r m a p r e t e n d e d to dr ive it a n d t h e ch i ld ren d e m a n d e d t o have the i r breakfast ins ide it . Y o u n g m e n l i ned u p at t h e r e a r - v i e w m i r r o r t o p r e e n .

I d rove t h e w o m e n i n t o t h e n e a r b y vi l lage for provis ions , w h i c h c o m p l e t e l y t u r n e d the i r heads . O n t h e w a y b a c k m y sisters sat i n t h e front w i t h m e , h e a p i n g s c o r n o n m e r e pedes t r i ans . P a r m a , t h i n k i n g I c o u l d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d her , a n n o u n c e d , ' T h i s is o u r taxi a n d R a t t i b e n is o u r driver. '

I sen t Ko ju b a c k to B h u j w i t h P r a v e e n S ingh , saying tha t h e s h o u l d b r i n g t h e j e e p again in t e n days ' t ime . T h e r e h a d b e e n s o m e b r o a d h in t s a b o u t k e e p i n g t h e ' t ax i ' w i t h m e a n d , a l t h o u g h in s o m e ways it was t e m p t i n g , ins t inc t t o ld m e it w o u l d crea te m o r e p r o b l e m s t h a n it w o u l d solve.

T h a t n igh t , t o o , a few w o m e n f rom t h e o t h e r c a m p s c a m e by. N a k k i b e g a n t o tell m e w h y they w o r e black. ( T h e y are cer ta in ly t h e o n l y R a b a r i a n d as far as I k n o w , t h e o n l y g r o u p in Ind ia t o d o so.) T h e y w e r e so d e t e r m i n e d tha t I s h o u l d u n d e r s t a n d , t h e s to ry was r epea t ed b y o n e , t h e n ano the r , e ach m a k i n g a t r e m e n d o u s effort t o b r i d g e t h e l anguage gap b y m a k i n g m e w r i t e d o w n sen tences , cross t h e m o u t , r e w r i t e t h e m .

' L o n g ago, w h e n t h e R a b a r i l ived in Jaisalmer, t h e rajah fell i n love w i t h a y o u n g R a b a r i w o m a n w h o s e b e a u t y was f a m o u s for mi les a r o u n d . B u t h e r family said, " E v e n t h o u g h y o u are o u r k i n g , o u r d a u g h t e r c a n n o t b e m a r r i e d ou t s ide caste." T h i s d id n o t please t h e k i n g w h o was used to ge t t i ng his o w n way . T h e R a b a r i k n e w they w o u l d have t o flee and , s i t t ing t o g e t h e r in a circle, t hey t h r e w salt i n t o a c u p o f w a t e r a n d d r a n k it, v o w i n g n e v e r again to taste

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t h e salt o f Jaisalmer. O f f t h e y w e n t i n t o t h e se t t ing sun , t h e rajah's soldiers i n pu r su i t . T h e r e was a massacre. R a t h e r t h a n s u c c u m b to t h e k i n g , t h e y o u n g girl p r ayed t o t h e goddess t o save her . H e r p raye r was answered ; m o t h e r e a r t h o p e n e d a n d swal lowed h e r up . E v e r s ince t h e n , w e R a b a r i w h o m a d e it t o K u t c h have w o r n b lack as a sign o f m o u r n i n g a n d t h e p lace w h e r e t h e w o m a n d i ed is sacred t o us. T h e r e are n o mar r i ages n o w b e t w e e n Ra jas than i R a i k a a n d K u t c h i R a b a r i . O n c e y o u have left a p lace tha t h u r t y o u , y o u sever connec t i ons . ' Pe rhaps , t h e y said, o n e day t hey w o u l d take m e to see tha t place. O r , b e t t e r still, w e w o u l d travel t o g e t h e r as far as t h e Himalayas to see t h e h o m e o f t h e gods .

W h e n it was t i m e t o t u r n i n P h a g u l o o k e d o u t at m e f rom u n d e r his eyeb rows . 'So , after Dival i , I suppose y o u h a d b e t t e r g o b a c k t o Bhu j . ' E v e r y o n e p a u s e d in m i d - m o t i o n ; t h e r e was a h u s h . I t o o k a d e e p b rea th , s c rewed m y fists i n t o m y face l ike a chi ld a n d yel led, 'Please, please, d o n ' t s end m e b a c k to Bhu j . ' W h e n t h e y h a d s t o p p e d l a u g h i n g , P h a g u w i p e d his eyes w i t h t h e e n d o f his t u r b a n a n d said, ' R a t t i b e n , y o u can stay w i t h us as l o n g as y o u like.'

12

'Tell us a b o u t t h e t i m e y o u h a d t o leave y o u r luggage . . .' P h a g u b e g a n d e a d p a n b u t c o u l d n ' t ge t t h e rest o f t h e s e n t e n c e o u t . D u t i ­fully I cha raded , for t h e u m p t e e n t h t ime , so r t ing t h r o u g h suitcases, t h r o w i n g c lo thes a n d tins o f b i s coo t t o t h e four w i n d s .

'Tell us again y o u r father's name . ' An t i l Gu i ld fo rd M o n t g o m e r i e N u g e n t D a v i d s o n .

' S h o w us h o w A r j u n w a l k e d b a c k from t h e doctor . ' O n e t w o t h r e e four five six b laagggh — a n d I fell backwards i n a d r ama t i c faint.

I f m y c o n t r i b u t i o n to t h e m o r a l e o f t h e d a n g was t o b e Phagu ' s s t r a igh tman , I d idn ' t m i n d t o o m u c h . W h e n t h e reali ty ou t s ide o u r g r o u p was so t h r e a t e n i n g , h a r m o n y a n d l i gh t -hea r t ednes s w i t h i n it w e r e essential a n d it was h e r e tha t Phagu ' s gen ius as a m u k k i m a d e itself m o s t appa ren t . H e k e p t t h e m all l a u g h i n g , k n o w i n g tha t i f t hey let life's p r o b l e m s w e i g h t h e m d o w n they 'd b e six feet u n d e r s ince the i r lives w e r e n o t h i n g b u t p r o b l e m s .

I d iscovered s o m e t h i n g a b o u t m y o w n cu l tu re , at least t ha t o f t h e p o s t - w a r g e n e r a t i o n : o u r a s s u m p t i o n tha t life is n o t meant t o b e difficult, t ha t s o m e o n e o r s o m e t h i n g wi l l always b e t he re t o ca tch a fall - a be l i e f tha t is l o d g e d in o u r core , j u s t b e n e a t h consc iousness . T h e R a b a r i suffered n o such de lus ion . I h a d t h o u g h t o f myse l f as resil ient, as h a v i n g i n g e n u i t y a n d self-rel iance in m y genes . N o w I k n e w h o w soft I was , h o w q u e r u l o u s , l ike those o ld w o m e n in n u r s i n g h o m e s w h o m y o u h o p e to hel l y o u w o n ' t b e c o m e .

U n l i k e m y hosts I h a d t o l e a rn h o w to b e cheerful i n t h e face o f adversi ty. It d id n o t c o m e natura l ly . S o m e t i m e s I s e e m e d to b e n o t h i n g b u t g r i e v a n c e a n d distress, l ike a h u m a n s t o r m l o o k i n g for

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s o m e t h i n g t o de luge . A t such t imes I t h o u g h t the i r l augh te r ca l ­lous a n d h a t e d t h e m . T h e n , w h e n I t h o u g h t I c o u l d bea r n e i t h e r t h e m n o r mysel f a m o m e n t longer , t he i r pub l i c t o u g h n e s s w o u l d p e e l away l ike a w a r t y skin, reveal ing sweetnesses, k indnesses a n d reaches o f compass ion . R a m m i , w a l k i n g an ext ra mi l e t o s h o w m e a wel l , t h e n c a r r y i n g h o m e m y w a t e r o n h e r h e a d . Jaivi , h i d i n g away s o m e prashad she h a d m a d e un t i l I r e t u r n e d . N a k k i , t i p t o e ­i n g over t o m y b u n k at n i g h t a n d w h i s p e r i n g t o P h a g u , ' S h e is s leeping. She is t i red. T o m o r r o w she m u s t eat more . '

T h e g o o d w i l l i n pa r t i cu la r k inds o f smiles, t h e abil i ty t o e x t e n d themse lves for o the r s w i t h o u t any e x p e c t a t i o n o f g r a t i t ude : these aspects o f t he i r h u m a n i t y h a d t h e p o w e r to h a u l m e o u t o f t h e pi t . I w o u l d f ind myse l f c h u c k l i n g w i t h t h e m , a lmos t against m y wil l , un t i l affection r e t u r n e d l ike fresh air b e h i n d a s t o r m .

It was for this, t he i r use o f l augh te r as a survival tact ic , t ha t I m o s t a d m i r e d t h e m . Especial ly P h a g u , o n w h o m responsibi l i ty lay l ike a c e m e n t overcoa t . H e h a d to t h i n k ahead , p l an a n d w o r r y for t h e m all, k n o w i n g tha t o n e w r o n g dec i s ion c o u l d m e a n t h e e n d o f everyone ' s i n c o m e . H e h a d to b e d ip loma t , psycholog is t , h a r d m a n , soft m a n , e n t r e p r e n e u r , spir i tual leader, genera l a n d p e a c e ­keeper . S o m e t i m e s , w h e n h e t h o u g h t n o o n e was l o o k i n g , his face set i n t o l ines o f anxie ty , y e t i n his d e m e a n o u r t he r e was n o t a t race o f self-pity, n o t even t h e t h o u g h t o f it.

A m u k k i ' s pos i t i on is n o t a he red i t a ry o n e . W h e n P h a g u b e g a n los ing his e d g e o r b e c a m e t o o o ld for t h e j o b , h e w o u l d b e r e ­p l aced by a m o r e able m a n a n d t h e r e w o u l d b e n o loss o f face i n this. H e m i g h t c o n t i n u e g o i n g o n m i g r a t i o n u n d e r ano ther ' s l e a d e r ­ship o r h e m i g h t stay at h o m e a n d send his sons a n d daugh te r s . B u t w h i l e h e was m u k k i , t h e c o m m u n i t y g r a n t e d h i m a n d his family absolu te respect , t h o u g h I felt sure tha t i n this case t h e respect spilled over i n t o adu la t ion because m e n o f Phagu ' s calibre w e r e rare in any place, any t i m e . T h e r e was a subt le p o w e r e m a n a t ­i n g f rom o u r camp . O t h e r s gravi ta ted t o it because h e r e was always to b e f o u n d t h e happies t s ing ing , t h e bes t prashad , t h e wi t t ies t j o k e s , t h e cleverest talk.

A t n i g h t w h e n P h a g u c a m e in f rom his w a n d e r i n g s ( some t imes h e w o u l d b e away for days), his eyes s u n k in exhaus t i on , it was clear h o w h igh ly t hey r ega rded h i m . O n c e I saw P a r m a , w h o m I'd

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secret ly c h r i s t e n e d t h e I ron V i r g i n , adjus t ing t h e folds o f his s m o c k w i t h o u t his k n o w i n g ; all h e r c o n c e r n a n d love for h i m a l lowed a fleeting express ion in tha t m o s t t e n d e r o f gestures , r e c o g ­nizable across cul tures , across aeons .

O n e day Phagu ' s j o k e was h a n d i n g m e his l o n g stick, a ro t i i n a sack, a t in for w a t e r a n d o r d e r i n g m e to h e a d o u t w i t h t h e flocks. I p layed m y par t . E v e r y o n e g igg led o n cue . P h a g u h a u l e d m e back , re t r i eved t h e p rops , p u t his a r m a r o u n d m e a n d said, ' W h e n are y o u g o i n g b a c k to Bhu j? '

' I ' l l never g o b a c k to B h u j . . . B u t I w a n t t o c o m e w i t h y o u , scout ing . '

'You ' l l ge t t ired, ' said P h a g u . ' N o , I won ' t . ' I g o t t i red . W e w a l k e d i n t o a village, o u t t o a f a rm, across s o m e

fields, a r o u n d a talab (dam) , b a c k t o t h e vil lage, across m o r e fields t o a n o t h e r d a n g , u p hills, t h r o u g h ravines , m a d e a deal w i t h a farmer , m e t u p w i t h o u r shephe rds a n d w a l k e d b a c k t o a n o t h e r f a rm. T h a t was i n t h e m o r n i n g . W h e n w e w e r e a lone toge the r , w e w e r e r a the r shy w i t h each o the r , taci t ly a g r e e i n g to a b a n d o n t h e s t a n d - u p r o u t i n e . T h e frustrat ions o f s t rugg l ing t o u n d e r s t a n d e a c h o t h e r on ly a d d e d to o u r b u r d e n s , so w e lapsed i n t o silences m a d e e l o q u e n t , if n o m o r e comfor t ab le , b y g r ins a n d sideways glances . B u t even if I h a d b e e n able t o speak his l anguage , h o w m u c h o f Phagu ' s w o r l d w o u l d I have c o m p r e h e n d e d ? R e a l travel w o u l d b e to see t h e w o r l d , for even an instant , w i t h ano ther ' s eyes.

I k n e w tha t m i g r a t i o n leaders of ten m e t u p t o discuss overall tactics, k n e w tha t shephe rds g a t h e r e d a n d d i s semina ted n e w s , b u t I c o u l d n o t see h o w it all f i t ted t o g e t h e r t o p r o d u c e these m i g h t y m o v e m e n t s o f animals a n d m e n w h i c h , far f rom b e i n g chao t i c affairs, h a d m o r e t h e qual i ty o f G e r m a n m a c h i n e r y . N o w I h a d a c h a n c e t o wi tness h o w it was d o n e . W h e n e v e r w e c a m e across a n o t h e r grazier , o f w h a t e v e r caste o r re l ig ion , w h e t h e r i n t h e bazaar o r o n a l one ly hillside, P h a g u w o u l d first shake h a n d s w i t h h i m , t h e n p l u g in t h e lakr i o tar, t h e wa lk ing - s t i ck t e l eg raph .

N o s h e p h e r d w o u l d b e seen d e a d w i t h o u t his st ick for l e a n i n g o n (one leg raised), h i t t i ng sheep , f igh t ing g u n d a h s (thugs) or, as o n e s h e p h e r d d e m o n s t r a t e d t o m e , k n o c k i n g t h e revolvers o u t o f p o l i c e m e n ' s h a n d s . I t is a s y m b o l for pastoralists e v e r y w h e r e a n d

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has g iven its n a m e to t h e m i r a c u l o u s n e t w o r k i n g w i t h o u t w h i c h t h e o rgan iza t iona l feat o f m i g r a t i o n w o u l d b e imposs ib le . T w o pastoralists m e e t . T h e y shake hands . T h e y swap i n f o r m a t i o n . H o w m a n y sheep i n tha t d a n g , w h e r e is it go ing , w h a t are t h e fa rmers l ike in such a n d such a t o w n , has a ce r ta in area b e e n b o o k e d b y any shepherds f rom e l sewhere , h o w m a n y sheep have passed t h r o u g h already, w h a t h a p p e n e d o n tha t c ame l d a n g , w h o d i ed o n tha t sheep d a n g , h o w m u c h b r i b e was g iven to tha t forest officer, w h a t is t h e state o f t h e p e a n u t c rops in area A , w h e n are t h e fa rms in area B harves t ing , w h a t d id W say t o X at vil lage Y, h o w m u c h d id it cost t o ge t s h e p h e r d Z o u t o f tha t c o u r t case, a n d so o n . T h e r e are s o m e beaut i ful m a t h e m a t i c s t o b e u n d e r s t o o d h e r e , o f t h e p e r m u t a t i o n , c o m b i n a t i o n k i n d . So m u c h travel l ing a n d m e e t ­i n g increases t h e chances o f cross-fer t i l izat ion o f i n f o r m a t i o n a n d c r o s s - c h e c k i n g o f facts. H o w e v e r , it also increases t h e l i ke l i hood o f er ror , tha t ' no i s e ' w h i c h d imin i shes t h e effectiveness o f any sys tem o f i n f o r m a t i o n , e l ec t ron ic o r o t h e r w i s e . B u t t he r e is v i r tual ly n o ' no i s e ' i n t h e pastoral is ts sys tem. U n l i k e t h e w h i s p e r e d message s y n d r o m e in w h i c h i n f o r m a t i o n passed f rom p e r s o n to p e r s o n is c h a n g e d o u t o f all r e c o g n i t i o n , t h e i n f o r m a t i o n d i s semina ted b y t h e n o m a d s stays c o r r ec t i n t h e finest detai l .

In t h e sho r t t e r m it w o u l d of ten b e in an ind iv idua l pastoralist 's in teres t t o fib t o o the r s w h o are c o m p e t i n g for t h e same resources . Yet i n a larger, overall p a t t e r n it is i n everyone ' s interests t o tell t h e t r u t h . In o t h e r w o r d s , local , pe r sona l , s h o r t - t e r m gain is sacrif iced t o c o m m u n i t y benef i t w i t h n o o n e t o p u n i s h y o u if y o u b r e a k t h e ru l e - a n d this a m o n g p e o p l e w h o have t u r n e d d iss imula t ion i n t o an ar t f o r m . O h , admi rab le n o m a d s . O h , h o p e for h u m a n i t y .

A t last t h e d a n g lay spread o u t b e l o w us. Sea ted camels f r inged t h e edge o f t h e flock f r o m w h i c h arose t h e m i n g l i n g scents o f u r i n e , dust , i ncense a n d n i g h t a n d t h r o u g h w h i c h , l ike a s t r ing o f l an te rns , w e r e li t t le palaces o f air a n d firelight. A b o v e t h e m Venus , Sir ius a n d a slice o f m o o n f loated in p u r p l e space. T h e t o w n w e h a d c o m e f rom was o n l y a n hour ' s w a l k away b u t it b o r e n o re la t ion to this m o v a b l e w o r l d u n d e r t h e stars. W e w e r e far f rom eve ry th ing , n o t j u s t i n space b u t i n t ime .

H a t t i b e l t e d m e in t h e t h i g h i n g ree t ing . I ra ised m y fist at her , s e n d i n g h e r off i n t o giggles.

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' E e e h , B h a g w a n , ' I said, c r eak ing to t h e g r o u n d a n d l e a n i n g u p against t h e l eg o f a c h a r p o i .

'Take tea, R a t t i ben . ' 'After you . ' ' N o , n o , y o u take. ' ' N o , y o u first . . .' E v e n t h o u g h a c u p o f tea m i g h t b r i n g y o u

b a c k f rom t h e dead , it was necessary t o mas t e r g reed , necessary t o b e h u m a n . Caffeine a n d sugar r e c h a r g e d t h e b l o o d , t h e heads o f goats p r o t r u d e d t h r o u g h cur ta ins o f darkness , sheep s tared i n t o t h e fire, t h e w o m e n ' s ea r r ings s w u n g b a c k a n d fo r th f rom s h a d o w t o l ight , s h a d o w to l ight , as fists p o u n d e d d o u g h a n d t h e day's s tor ies w e r e to ld — w e a v i n g today i n t o t o m o r r o w , lives i n t o Life.

P h a g u lifted H a t t i i n his a r m s , kissed h e r pa lms a n d s t r e t ched h imse l f o u t o n t h e b e d , his d a u g h t e r snugg l ing i n t o his side. H e b e g a n to t e ach h e r t h e verses o f a song , s ing ing a phrase , w h i c h she repea ted , over a n d over, un t i l m e m o r i z e d . O t h e r ch i ld ren c a m e t o j o i n in , c rawl ing u p o n t h e b e d , cu r l ing l ike cats a r o u n d P h a g u w h o p la i t ed b lack goa t ha i r o r s m o k e d his ch i l l um, o c c a s i o n ­ally h a n d i n g it t o t h e li t t le boys to take a puff. T h e s ing ing w e n t o n for an h o u r o r m o r e , occas ional ly i n t e r r u p t e d b y l a u g h t e r a n d a hai l o f affect ionate t h u m p s if a n y o n e g o t t h e w o r d s w r o n g . W h e n it was t i m e t o eat , h e h a n d e d m e t h e goa t ha i r h e h a d b e e n w o r k i n g o n . I t was a ha l te r for R a m R a h i m .

I w e n t t o m y lit t le came l , f i t ted t h e ha l te r o n h i m , t i ck led his lips a n d b l e w i n his nostr i ls , t h e n lay for a l o n g t i m e l i s ten ing t o r u m i n a t i n g , c o u g h i n g animals , t o t h e t i n k t h u n k o f shephe rds ' sticks o n t h e rocks , t o l ambs b e i n g b o r n , sch loop , bes ide m y cot , a n d s ta r ing u p at t h e darkness tha t covers us all. I n t h e m o r n i n g w h e n w e m o v e d o n , t he r e w o u l d b e n o t h i n g left b e h i n d to m a r k o u r c a m p b u t li t t le b lack circles w h e r e t h e fires h a d b e e n , a n d t racks dissolving in t h e w i n d .

I h a d b e e n w i t h t h e d a n g a b o u t a m o n t h w h e n t h e j e e p c a m e b e a r i n g D r R a m a K r i s h n a a n d his family. H e h a d b r o u g h t m e d i ­c ines for Phagu ' s flocks and , for m e , w h a t I n e e d e d m o s t , f r i end ­ship a n d t h e Eng l i sh l anguage . Dival i , t h e festival o f l ights , w o u l d s o o n b e u p o n us a n d t h e village shops w e r e s tocked u p w i t h f i reworks . I b o u g h t sparklers for t h e ch i ld ren a n d s o m e f i recrack­ers for myself, as t h e p a c k a g i n g s p o r t e d a po r t r a i t o f C h a i r m a n

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M a o s u r r o u n d e d b y e x p l o d i n g crackers a n d I n d i a n gods . It was a p r i z e o f k i t sch a n d I p a c k e d it carefully away w i t h m y luggage .

A t t h e e n d o f tha t w e e k e n d P h a g u prevai led u p o n m e to dr ive h i m b a c k to B h u j t o see R a n g k a w h o h a d b r o k e n his l eg in t h e h o m e village, a c o u p l e o f h u n d r e d mi les away. T h e w h o l e d a n g k n e w a b o u t t h e acc iden t t h e day after it h a p p e n e d . W e t o o k sweets for R a n g k a tha t t h e w o m e n h a d c o o k e d a n d a ge t wel l card f rom m e , c o n t a i n i n g everyone ' s s igna ture o r t h u m b p r i n t . P h a g u c o u l d j u s t as easily have t a k e n t h e b u s . T h a t h e insis ted I d r ive h i m s h o w e d tha t m y dec i s ion n o t t o k e e p t h e j e e p w i t h m e was presc ien t .

I h a d t h o u g h t t h e h e a t w o u l d n e v e r e n d , tha t I n d i a n w i n t e r w o u l d p rove as fugitive as Eng l i sh s u m m e r . B u t o n t h e n i g h t o f m y r e t u r n f rom B h u j , as greyness r i m m e d t h e east l ike a p r i m i t i v e sea c r e e p i n g across lifeless l i t toral , m a r k i n g t h e m o m e n t at w h i c h I usually fell asleep, a k i n d o f queasy coolness c rep t u n d e r t h e sheet . T w o h o u r s la ter t h e flies a n d t h e sun's h o t h a n d w o r r i e d m e awake as usual . T w o th ings w e r e different. T h e w a r m t h a r o u n d m e was in m o t i o n . T h e shepherds w e r e w e a r i n g b lankets .

After Dival i t h e w i n d s h a d s tar ted, j u s t as P h a g u said t h e y w o u l d . To m e t hey w e r e t h e offshore b reezes o f a S y d n e y s u m m e r . To t h e R a b a r i t h e y w e r e arct ic blasts b r i n g i n g disease. S o o n a th i rd o f t h e d a n g was suffering n o t o n l y mala r ia b u t inf luenza. If w e w e r e n e a r a t o w n o r vil lage, w e w o u l d w a l k miles t o see a d o c t o r . If n o t , w e s imply k e p t g o i n g . T h e w o m e n n o l o n g e r e r ec t ed t h e t a rpau l in in t h e m o r n i n g , so w e sat u n d e r a sky pitiless t o m y t ransparen t skin. I h u n k e r e d d o w n i n t o t h e s h a d o w cast b y m y c o t l ike a w o r m e x p o s e d b e n e a t h a lifted rock . B u t t h e s u n s e l d o m c a m e sideways, p r e f e r r i n g ins tead t o s t r ike straight d o w n f rom above. I felt ill a n d ate handfuls o f ant ib io t ics w h i c h h a d n o effect, b u t I h a d l ea rn t n o t t o dwel l o n mise ry , t o dismiss it as t h e y d id o r t o use it as ma te r i a l for c o m e d y rou t ines .

B o r e d o m was m o r e difficult t o c o n q u e r . N o o n e w h o has n o t sat for six, e ight , t e n h o u r s o n a black, p l o u g h e d field u n d e r a s ienna sky, day after day, wa i t i ng , en t i re ly d e p e n d e n t u p o n one 's i n n e r life, k n o w s t h e t r u e m e a n i n g o f b o r e d o m . I d id n o t have t h e n o m a d ' s ta len t for ins tan t s l u m b e r as w h e n , d u r i n g those inf in i te a f t e rnoons , t h e y p u t aside t he i r e m b r o i d e r y a n d snored . O n e t u r n s

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i n t o a z o m b i e in such c i r cums tances . T h e r e is o n l y e n o u g h o f one ' s b ra in f u n c t i o n i n g to regis ter pa in , n o t e n o u g h t o l ea rn a l anguage . B o r e d o m a l lowed n o rel ief f rom e i the r fat igue o r m u t e n e s s .

I h a d l o n g s ince used u p Proust ' s p rose as to i le t paper . T h o s e pages saved b y fate, s c rewed u p i n t o li t t le balls a n d d i s t r ibu ted t h r o u g h m y j u n k , I n o w re t r i eved a n d read like p o e t r y , s avou r ­i n g phrases w h i c h f o r m e d a lifeline b a c k t o t h e shore o f a m o r e recogn izab le self. A r e c e d i n g shore .

T h e w o m e n h a d b e e n p r o m i s i n g t o t e ach m e h o w t o m a k e a gud io , b u t s o m e h o w I h a d n e v e r m a n a g e d to b u y t h e c lo th d u r i n g o u r forays i n t o villages. I d e t e r m i n e d tha t t h e n e x t o n e w e vis i ted I w o u l d d o so a n d tha t I w o u l d give t h e f inished p r o d u c t , w h i c h w o u l d take w e e k s t o c o m p l e t e , t o N a r e n d r a .

A n o p p o r t u n i t y s o o n p r e s e n t e d itself. A f ive-mi le w a l k to f ind a doc to r . T h e t iny surgery , a b l u e c e m e n t h o l e w i t h a l ight bu lb , was filled w i t h sh ive r ing g r e y - s k i n n e d figures i n va r ious G o y a e s q u e poses a r o u n d t h e floor. O n o n e side was a trestle l i t t e red w i t h o ld need les a n d a few bot t les o f an t ib io t ic a n d c h l o r o q u i n i n e . T h e d o c t o r sat b e h i n d a r i cke ty t in desk. H e was nea t as a n e w p i n , his ha i r p a r t e d d o w n t h e m i d d l e a n d br i l l i an t ined . H e h a d a cheerful , efficient l o o k a n d I l iked h i m straight away. H e was a real d o c t o r h e assured m e . T h a t is, h e h a d s tud ied w e s t e r n m e d i c i n e a n d prac t i sed in a b i g ci ty hospi ta l . (Of t en t h e p e o p l e w h o passed themse lves off as d o c t o r s i n these villages w e r e e x - p i l l - w r a p p e r s f r o m chemis t s ' shops.)

W h y h a d h e d e c i d e d to c o m e to this place? H e l iked it he r e . It was qu ie t . H e k n e w a lmos t all his pa t i en t s . H e w o u l d have m a d e m o r e m o n e y in a c i ty b u t w h a t does o n e n e e d m o n e y for if o n e is already c o n t e n t ? Besides , ' T h e cities are m a d e b y m a n b u t t h e villages are m a d e b y God . ' H i s t r e a t m e n t s s e l d o m var ied . A n i n j e c ­t i o n fo l lowed b y such adv ice as ' d o n ' t eat t o m a t o e s for t h r e e days ' o r ' bo i l a li t t le s o m f (fennel seed) each m o r n i n g a n d d r i n k t h e w a t e r ' . H e l o o k e d at m e a n d w i n k e d . I was to u n d e r s t a n d tha t t h e p rand ia l adv ice was for t h e bene f i t o f t h e u n l e t t e r e d on ly . T h e n h e said, ' T h e y d o n ' t feel they 've h a d the i r m o n e y ' s w o r t h if I d o n ' t give a need le . P e o p l e w a n t t o feel b e t t e r i n an h o u r , so w e treat t h e s y m p t o m s I ' m afraid, n o t t h e cause. ' T h e d o c t o r p u t t h e syr inges

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i n t o a s teri l izer tha t l o o k e d like a W o o l w o r t h ' s toaster . Yes, o f course , h e was c o n c e r n e d a b o u t A I D S b u t t he r e w e r e ' m o r e p ress ­i n g p r o b l e m s in Ind ia ' . O u r sick ones rece ived t he i r in jec t ions , t h e n off w e w e n t t o d o t h e s h o p p i n g .

Stalls sold vegetables all a l ong t h e street . A t ea shop puffed s m o k e m e r r i l y . I b o u g h t as m u c h fresh p r o d u c e as I c o u l d ca r ry a n d lit t le gifts — nail po l i sh , sweets , r i b b o n s . T h e n , m y purchases s tacked a r o u n d m e , I sat above a gut te r , b a c k p r o p p e d against a m u d wall , t o w a t c h life g o by . T h e w o m e n w o u l d m e e t m e the re w h e n the i r business was d o n e , t h e n w e w o u l d h e a d off t o g e t h e r t o b u y t h e c lo th . Inevi tab ly t h e h o r d e s b e g a n t o ga ther . B y t h e t i m e m y fr iends c a m e b a c k I was b u r i e d b e n e a t h t h e m , m y h e a d h i d d e n in m y a r m s .

W h e n t h e R a b a r i u n d e r s t o o d h o w m u c h I h a t e d these c rowds , t h e y u s e d t he i r skills t o de fend m e f rom t h e m . After all, they , t o o , w e r e of ten g r e e t e d b y ch i ld ren h o w l i n g ' b h o o t , b h o o t ' (ghost) w h e n t h e y e n t e r e d a vil lage.

' W h y d o y o u stare at h e r ? ' said Jaivi , m a k i n g h e r w a y t h r o u g h t h e t h r o n g . ' W o u l d y o u l ike it if s o m e o n e stared at y o u r sister l ike tha t? ' E v e r y o n e ag reed tha t t h e y w o u l d n o t l ike it a n d c o n t i n u e d to stare. I f o u n d i t difficult n o t t o c o m p a r e t h e villagers u n f a v o u r ­ably w i t h t h e n o m a d s , w h o are so respectful o f ano the r ' s h u m a n i t y , so m u c h m o r e sophis t ica ted a n d k n o w i n g . W h e n e v e r I saw any w a n d e r i n g castes i n a vil lage, t h e y w o u l d w a t c h m e w i t h frank cur ios i ty a n d interest , b u t t h e y w o u l d n e v e r c r o w d m e .

T h e R a b a r i w o m e n m a d e u p lies o n t h e spo t t o field t h e e n d ­less ques t ions a b o u t m e . S o m e t i m e s I was a g o v e r n m e n t w o r k e r , at o t h e r s a v e t e r i n a r y doc to r . O n c e I was a p o l i c e m a n , w h i c h really shu t e v e r y o n e u p . A n d t h e y de l ivered these fibs w i t h such facility tha t it was clear tha t s h a m m i n g t o outs iders was t h e hab i t o f cen tu r i e s . B u t t h e y n e v e r lost the i r capaci ty for d i p l o m a c y n o m a t t e r w h a t t h e p r o v o c a t i o n . T h e t e r r ib l e v i o l e n c e I felt towards t h e c r o w d appal led m e . I w a n t e d t o take each face a n d sc rew it d o w n in t h e gut te r . Ins tead I e n t e r e d tha t state o f s emi -ca t a ton i a in w h i c h y o u take in a n d give o u t n o t h i n g .

T h e r e was o n l y o n e c lo th s h o p — a fo r lo rn li t t le b o x l i ned w i t h a few bol ts o f dus ty c o t t o n , a w o o d e n b e n c h a long o n e side. W e left o u r shoes o n t h e step a n d spread ourselves i m p o r t a n t l y o n t h e

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b e n c h . P a r m a a n d Jaivi m a d e t h e s h o p k e e p e r roll o u t , o n e b y o n e , every bo l t o f c lo th , even t h o u g h w e h a d already d e c i d e d o n t h e co lou r s — w h i t e w i t h a r ed b o r d e r .

It was late. W e h a d to h u r r y back . W e h u r l e d o u r w a y t h r o u g h t h e mass o f h u m a n i t y w h i c h fo l lowed us o u t o f t o w n , s lowly t h i n n i n g l ike a comet ' s tail, un t i l j u s t t h e co re was left — m y sisters a n d aunt ies h u r r y i n g single file a l o n g a foo tpa th , t h r o u g h qu ie t hills. W e p a u s e d t o adjust o u r b u n d l e s . P a r m a smi led as she r e ­p l aced t h e h e a v y load o n m y head . 'So , R a t t i b e n , n o w y o u are a b h o o t l ike us.'

E i g h t w o m e n sat w i t h m e in a circle, t h e g u d i o s t r e t ched b e ­t w e e n us l ike a p i c n i c b lanke t , need les a n d t h r e a d to t h e ready. I t m e a s u r e d five feet b y t h r e e feet a n d cons i s ted o f t w o ou t s ide layers o f w h i t e c o t t o n , a n d t h r e e ins ide layers o f t h i n w o o l l e n r u g , all c l a m p e d t o g e t h e r w i t h a few r o u g h st i tches w h i c h w o u l d la ter b e p u l l e d o u t . I u n d e r s t o o d w h y they h e l p e d each o t h e r b e g i n t he i r gud ios . I m a g i n e h o w depress ing it w o u l d b e to sit a lone in front o f fifteen square feet o f c lo th k n o w i n g tha t y o u h a d to m a k e several h u n d r e d t h o u s a n d st i tches be fore it even b e g a n t o l o o k like a m a t .

P a r m a s tud ied t h e w h i t e space for a w h i l e , t h e n , w a t c h e d a n d app roved by t h e o l d e r w o m e n , b e g a n to penc i l i n a des ign. She ha lved t h e rec tangle . Ins ide each hal f she d r e w paisley swirls, large as p a l m leaves, l o c k e d t o g e t h e r i ngen ious ly w i t h i n t h e t w o frames. She m a d e t h e p a t t e r n s in l o n g c o n t i n u o u s l ines, so tha t o n e w o u l d n o t n e e d to s top s t i t ch ing un t i l o n e r a n o u t o f t h r e a d o r r e a c h e d t h e o u t e r m o s t b o r d e r . W h e n it was d o n e t o everyone ' s satisfac­t ion , w e b e g a n . In t iny r u n n i n g st i tches w i t h t h i c k r ed c o t t o n w e fo l lowed t h e l ines o f Parma ' s fancy. I n o t i c e d tha t this was on ly a gu ide , a t h e m e if y o u like, a n d tha t w h e n s o m e o n e felt l ike it she a d d e d subt le var ia t ions - n o t h i n g so individual is t ic as t o b r e a k t h e h a r m o n y o f t h e p a t t e r n b u t e n o u g h to m a k e it live.

E a c h w o m a n had , as it we re , a s e w i n g s ignature a n d t o this day, w h e n I l o o k closely i n t o tha t gud io , I t h i n k I can r e m e m b e r w h o s t i t ched w h a t . N a k k i s t i t ched w i t h t h e deftness o f a fairy; L a k h m a , w i t h t h e lumpi shness o f a troll . L a k h m a was , it h a d t o b e said, a w o m a n o f l i m i t e d w i t . She was always t h e slowest t o ge t a j o k e , t h e quickes t t o take food , a n d w h e n she wasn ' t ea t ing h e r j a w h u n g o p e n slightly. I r a the r h o p e d tha t she m i g h t s top h e l p i n g m e

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as I felt, a l ready, r a the r possessive o f m y gud io , a n d h e r st i tches l o o k e d l ike t h e t racks o f vu l tu res a m o n g t h e t r ace ry o f w r e n s . N a k k i c a u g h t m e f r o w n i n g at t hose st i tches a n d p u l l e d h e r hps t igh t t o s top herse l f f rom smil ing . B u t it was n o g o o d . She c a u g h t Parma ' s eye, w h o c a u g h t Jaivi 's, w h o c a u g h t R a m m i ' s a n d so o n un t i l e v e r y o n e was stifling l augh te r e x c e p t p o o r L a k h m a w h o smi led at us i n a b o v i n e sor t o f way . After t e n m i n u t e s m y h a n d was already c r a m p e d b u t if a n y o n e s lackened N a k k i c r i ed 'Ka ro ! ' (keep go ing) as if w e w e r e c l i m b i n g a m o u n t a i n . T h e r e was a t r e m e n d o u s feel ing o f sol idar i ty , lots o f l aughte r , s to ry- te l l ing , w h i s ­p e r e d tales. W o m e n c a m e b y f rom o t h e r c a m p s t o l e n d a h a n d , b r i n g i n g prashad . I neve r t h o u g h t I'd en joy a s e w i n g circle.

' W h e n is t h e taxi c o m i n g back , R a t t i b e n ? ' ' H o w far away is y o u r c o u n t r y , R a t t i b e n ? ' ' H o w l o n g w o u l d it take t o w a l k t he re? ' ' H o w is it possible tha t t h e stars i n y o u r sky are different f rom

t h e stars i n o u r sky? ' (Try exp la in ing tha t i n sign language!) E v e r y t h i n g I t o ld t h e m in m y ha l t i ng H i n d i , Gujara t i a n d sign

l anguage , o n e o f t h e w o m e n w o u l d t u r n i n t o a s o n g - o r c h a n t ra ther . Always t h e same no t e s a n d stanza, s u n g at w a l k i n g p a c e w i t h a s t rong emphas i s o n t h e last w o r d . ' R a t t i ben ' s taxi is c o m i n g , it is c o m i n g s o o n , c o m i n g soon! O r ' R a t t i ben ' s c o u n t r y is a l o n g w a y away, l o n g w a y away! W h e n I to ld t h e m tha t i n m y c o u n t r y o n e small family m i g h t o w n an area as large as K u t c h , a n d all t h e sheep a n d catt le t h e r e o n , t h e y l o o k e d at m e as if t o say ' W e , t o o , are g o o d at te l l ing w h o p p e r s b u t t hey have t o b e at least credible!

Since t h e y w e r e h e l p i n g m e , it was e x p e c t e d tha t I p rov ide t h e tea. I b u m b l e d a r o u n d w i t h t h r e e rocks a n d j a g g e d m y skin o n Afr ican t h o r n . La tch i cast m e tha t l o o k reserved b y t eenage r s for par t icu lar ly dense adults , t o o k t h e m a t c h e s a n d o r d e r e d m e b a c k to t h e g u d i o . I t h a d t aken this l o n g for h e r t o d e i g n to n o t i c e m e . N o w she 'd b e c o m e m y n u m b e r o n e pal . E v e n tha t y e l l o w - e y e d b r u t e o f a d o g h a d c o m e o u t f rom u n d e r t h e b e d recen t ly a n d g iven m e t w o psycho t i c wags before d i sappea r ing b a c k u n d e r .

W e h a d a b r e a k f rom o u r s e w i n g for tea a n d t h e inevi tab le snuff t o w h i c h t h e o l d e r w o m e n s e e m e d add ic ted . T h e n t h e y p u l l e d o u t t i ny glass phials o f w h i t e crystal. A f r agmen t was r u b b e d i n t o

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t h e eyes, caus ing t h e m to w a t e r cop ious ly . N a t u r a l l y I h a d t o t ry . I t was r a the r l ike h a v i n g a h e a t e d dagger th rus t i n t o t h e eyebal l a n d twis ted , t h e n caustic soda r u b b e d in t h e w o u n d . O n l y o u t o f shee r m a s t e r y o f wi l l d id I n o t sc ream in agony . W h a t was it for, I asked. To ' c l ean ' t h e eyes. To tell t h e t r u t h I t h i n k t h e y h a d b e c o m e add ic t ed to t h e pa in o f t h e w h i t e p o w d e r , w h i c h h a d a b o u t it an orgast ic qual i ty . I asked t h e m w h y t h e y d id n o t take o t h e r m e d i c i n e s w i t h t h e m o n t h e d a n g a n d t r i ed to say tha t in jec t ions m i g h t b e dange rous as t he r e was a n o t h e r disease passed b y d i r ty need les . W o u l d n ' t it b e be t te r , I suggested , t o take q u i n i n e tablets for mala r ia o r aspir in for fevers, as t hey w e r e c h e a p a n d available a n y w h e r e . ' O h , w e wil l , R a t t i b e n , if y o u say so,' t h e y l ied, h u m o u r i n g m e .

T h e y w e r e far m o r e l ikely to take m e d i c i n e for t h e sheep w h i c h suffered f rom a n t h r a x , t o x a e m i a a n d fluke. T h e shephe rds in jec ted the i r animals w i t h T e r r a m y c i n o r d r e n c h e d t h e m , b e l i e v ­ing tha t t h e d rugs w e r e ton ics because afterwards t h e an imals mi r acu lous ly p u t o n w e i g h t .

I lay m y h e a d o n Jaivi's lap. M y legs s tuck o u t i n t h e sun . B a b y goats pressed t he i r sharp little shoes i n t o m y s t o m a c h o r n i b b l e d m y ears. Later s o m e M u s l i m s a r r ived t o b u y a c o u p l e o f sheep . T h e R a b a r i are n o t so m u c h hypocr i t i ca l i n t he i r a t t i tudes t o b r e a k i n g t h e H i n d u c o d e o f vege ta r i an i sm as l o w - k e y . T h u s t h e selling o f o ld o r sick animals t o M u s l i m s a long t h e w a y was d o n e s o m e w h a t sur rept i t ious ly , desp i te t h e fact tha t t h e R a b a r i wil l , o n occas ion , eat t he i r animals themse lves . In any case t h e e c o n o m i c symbiosis b e t w e e n R a b a r i a n d M u s l i m s mil i ta tes , i n a v e r y pract ical way , against c o m m u n a l b igo t ry . B u t t he r e is a n o t h e r reason, I t h ink , for t h e c o m p a r a t i v e b r o a d m i n d e d n e s s o f n o m a d s . T h e y are cons tan t ly h a v i n g to n e g o t i a t e b o r d e r s a n d deal w i t h difference.

T h e gifts I gave t h e m w e r e a c c e p t e d m a t t e r o f factly. M y o w n g u s h i n g g ra t i t ude w h e n t h e y d id s o m e t h i n g for m e , o r gave m e s o m e t h i n g , b e m u s e d t h e m . D e s e r t cu l tures s e l d o m have a w o r d for t h a n k y o u because sha r ing is in tegra l t o survival a n d t o social f o r m . It is l e a rn t y o u n g . W h e n e v e r sweets w e r e g iven t o ch i ld ren , t h e y w o u l d au tomat ica l ly share t h e m o u t .

P a r m a a n d Jaivi , H a t t i a n d La tch i cal led m e over t o the i r b e d to

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t ry o u t t h e nai l pol ishes . I h a d b o u g h t four k inds — p u r p l e , p i n k , scarlet a n d m a r o o n . T h e p u r p l e a n d p i n k w e r e re jec ted o u t o f h a n d . Was m y taste i n m y sandals? W h a t d id p u r p l e m a t c h ? A n d w h o w o u l d b o t h e r t o w e a r ins ipid p ink? M a r o o n was t h e bes t as it p i c k e d u p t h e co lou r s i n the i r e m b r o i d e r e d b lack, a n d t h e fiery red was bes t for H a t t i w h o h a d n o t y e t b e g u n t o w e a r b lack b u t was , ins tead, dressed l ike a C h r i s t m a s t ree — g r e e n skir t w i t h acres o f swish, lo ts o f c o l o u r e d s t i t ch ing o n h e r b louse , silver.

I h a d always en joyed b e i n g in s i tuat ions w h e r e I was free o f t h e shackles o f c o n t r i v e d g o o d looks . I was m o r e t h a n h a p p y t o n o t give a d a m n w h e t h e r m y k u r t a m a t c h e d m y pa jama o r w h e t h e r t h e r e was s h e e p shit i n m y hair. ' W h o ' s t o see o r care after all?' T h e answer t o tha t was t h e R a b a r i w o m e n , w h o m i g h t a b a n d o n t h e i r g r o o m i n g o u t o f necessi ty b u t n e v e r o u t o f cho ice . S o m e ­t imes t h e y w o u l d l o o k askance at w h a t I h a d t h r o w n o n . R e a d i n g those l ooks I w o u l d p r e sen t mysel f t o t h e m a n d say, 'Is this all r i gh t ? ' a n d t h e y w o u l d l o o k at each o the r , m o u t h s t w i t c h i n g , a n d say, 'Yes, yes , R a t t i b e n , it wi l l do. ' La ter t h e y w o u l d tactfully suggest tha t I add s o m e k o h l t o m y eyes o r w h y n o t w e a r tha t p r e t t y skirt t h e y k n e w I ca r r i ed . Pe rhaps I w o u l d l ike t h e m t o plai t m y hair? B u t it was easy to see, b e h i n d the i r so l ic i tude , tha t t h e y r ega rded m e as a t e r m i n a l case o f sow's ear.

W h a t was t h e van i ty for? T h e dressing up , p r i m p i n g i n t o li t t le h a n d - m i r r o r s t u c k e d i n t o bod ice s , t h e careful app l i ca t ion o f k o h l , r i b b o n s at t h e ends o f plaits, bits o f glass f ixed w i t h silk th read , t h e love o f silver — a n d n o w this careful spread o f nai l po l i sh o n those w o r k - b a t t e r e d , f i re - scorched , t h o r n - t o r n h a n d s w h i c h t h e y h e l d o u t a n d i n s p e c t e d l ike a b u n c h o f J o a n Crawfo rds in a b o u d o i r ? W h o c o u l d t h e y impress w i t h it, s ince any sexual re la t ions ou t s ide m a r r i a g e w e r e n o t j u s t f r o w n e d u p o n b u t u n h e a r d of? A t least so t h e y said a n d I be l i eved t h e m .

I d o n ' t p r e t e n d to have e n t e r e d t h e consc iousness o f a R a b a r i b u t w h e r e individuals have n o m e a n i n g ou t s ide o f t he i r c o m m u n i ­ty, all possessions, even b e a u t y , b e l o n g n o t j u s t t o t h e ind iv idua l b u t t o t h e g r o u p . A w o m a n wi l l a d o r n herse l f because she is a R a b a r i a n d R a b a r i w o m e n are f a m o u s for t h e i r b e a u t y ; t o b e beaut i fu l reflects we l l o n a n d w i t h i n t h e c o m m u n i t y f rom w h i c h o n e der ives one ' s i den t i t y a n d s t reng th .

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' W h e n d id y o u say o u r taxi was c o m i n g , R a t t i ? ' Pa rma ' s t o n e d id n o t escape m e . W h e n e v e r t h e j e e p came , it was difficult t o resist t h e m o r a l pressure t o k e e p it w i t h m e . To t h e m t h e taxi was a fantastic resource . B u t w h e n it was the re , dis tances a n d there fore t imes w e r e t r a n s f o r m e d a n d this b r o u g h t h o m e to m e t h e ersatz n a t u r e o f m y life w i t h t h e m . I was a tou r i s t i n p r e - indus t r i a l t i m e .

T h e d o m i n a n t t i m e in t h e w o r l d is m y o w n — pos t - indus t r i a l t e chno log i ca l t ime . M o s t p e o p l e o f m y t i m e are h a p p y to s e n t i m e n ­talize an earl ier o n e , y e t u n w i l l i n g to give u p t he i r comfor t s t o par t i c ipa te in it. T h e y w o u l d l ike s o m e p e o p l e t o r e m a i n in t h o s e earl ier t imes ( w h e t h e r t h e p e o p l e w i s h to o r n o t ) , so tha t t h e y themse lves m a y visit occas ional ly b u t always w i t h t h e o p t i o n o f l eav ing w h e n t h e g o i n g gets r o u g h . I c o u l d d e c i d e t o w a l k w i t h t h e d a n g despi te t h e hardships because I k n e w those hardships w e r e t e m p o r a r y . T h e y w a n t e d to r i d e i n t h e car because t h e y w e r e sick o f hardships f rom w h i c h t h e y h a d n o possibi l i ty o f escape.

' T h e taxi is c o m i n g soon. ' ' A h . A n d wil l " K a a j u n " c o m e also?' 'Yes, K o j u wi l l come . ' ' A n d Sahib? ' ' I d o n o t k n o w if Sahib wi l l c o m e . ' ' W h e n t h e taxi c o m e s , w e wil l all g o to Junagadh . ' I refused to c o m m e n t b u t a c c e p t e d tha t a t r ip t o J u n a g a d h was a

fait accompli w h e t h e r I l iked it o r n o t , w h i c h I d idn ' t . T h e y k n e w b y n o w tha t I c o u l d d e n y t h e m n o t h i n g a n d t hey e x p l o i t e d m e t o exact ly tha t m o m e n t w h e n I bau lked , at w h i c h p o i n t t hey t u r n e d o n t he i r irresistible c h a r m . T h e last t i m e t h e j e e p visi ted, P h a g u asked if t h e taxi w o u l d take h i m o n a sho r t r econna i s sance o f t h e area ahead . I left Ko ju b e h i n d a n d w e set off at daybreak . B y m i d -m o r n i n g I was w o n d e r i n g w h e n w e w o u l d h e a d for h o m e . I h a d n o maps , so re l ied ent i re ly o n P h a g u . I w a t c h e d h i m o u t o f t h e c o r n e r o f m y eyes. A m a n u n u s e d to s i t t ing still, restless hands , d a r t i n g eyes: l o o k i n g for water , feed, c a m p i n g places, villages for f ood a n d m e d i c i n e ; t h i n k i n g w h e n wil l t h e c o t t o n h e r e b e ha rves t ­ed? shou ld w e r isk this j u n g l e area? — t h e p a r a d i g m o f h u m a n in te l l igence .

T h r e e h u n d r e d mi les o f d i r t t racks , p l o u g h e d fields a n d r i m s o f

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dams later, t h e snakes in m y s t o m a c h w e r e t h r e a t e n i n g t o c o m e o u t , crawl all over t h e car a n d fang P h a g u to d e a t h . E v e r y n o w a n d t h e n he 'd cast m e o n e o f t hose g r ins a n d t h e fury w o u l d lessen. T h i s d r ive w o u l d save h i m miles a n d mi les o f bus travell ing, i n c a l c u ­lable a m o u n t s o f wa lk ing , w e e k s o f effort. It was n o t t h e r ecce I r esen ted , it was his m a n i p u l a t i o n o f m e . If I h a d k n o w n I'd b e d r i v i n g tha t b o n e s h a k e r all day, I c o u l d have p r e p a r e d be t te r .

'Are y o u t i red, R a t t i b e n ? ' ' O f c o u r s e I ' m b l o o d y tired. ' (Said in Engl ish. ) H e l a u g h e d . ' S t o p he re ! ' A n d w h a t d o y o u k n o w , t h e o ld t i g h t ­

w a d s h o u t e d m e as m a n y cups o f tea f rom t h e chai wal lah as I c o u l d d r i n k , a n d I defy a n y o n e to d r i n k m o r e t h a n five.

B y t h e t i m e w e go t b a c k it was dark . T h e w h o l e c o m m u n i t y w e l c o m e d m e h o m e w i t h p rashad a n d h i g h praise b u t I was t o o fed u p w i t h t h e m to b e c o n n e d o u t o f m y m o o d a n d w e n t s t raight t o m y t en t . In m y no t e s I w r o t e 'I a m the i r m i l k i n g c o w ' .

I slept flat o n m y back , pa lms u p - t h e p o s i t i o n o f t e r m i n a l e x h a u s t i o n . T h r o u g h t h e j e l ly walls o f sleep I felt s o m e t h i n g c o o l a n d heavy o n m y left p a l m . I t h o u g h t , T o hel l w i t h t h e m ! I 've h a d e n o u g h o f the i r j o k e s . P u t t i n g a c lod o f e a r t h o n m y h a n d in t h e m i d d l e o f t h e n igh t , it's j u s t t o o m u c h ! I t h r e w t h e w e i g h t off, b u r n i n g w i t h ha t e for m y p e r s e c u t o r s , a n d saw it c h a n g e i n t o t h e p r i m e v a l shape o f an S.

T h e snake l a n d e d s o m e w h e r e a r o u n d m y feet a m o n g t h e b a g ­gage. In t h e t o r ch l igh t it was a small i n n o c u o u s - l o o k i n g th ing , s ta r ing at m e in a t rus t ing k i n d o f way . I d idn ' t w a n t t o h u r t it b u t I h a d to ge t it o u t o f m y t en t . I c o u l d n ' t find m y stick, so I called t o o n e o f t h e m e n pa t ro l l ing t h e flock. U s i n g sign l anguage I i nd i ca t ed tha t h e s h o u l d h o l d t h e snake d o w n w i t h his stick w h i l e I p i c k e d it u p b e h i n d t h e h e a d a n d t h r e w it i n t o t h e cactus fence. H e m u s t have m i s u n d e r s t o o d because n o t a m o m e n t later b l o o d , fangs a n d scales w e r e spa t te red all over. I d r e w w h a t was left o f it, for ident i f ica t ion . W e e k s la ter I d iscovered tha t I h a d slept w i t h a krai t , t h e m o s t dead ly snake i n India .

O n e m o r n i n g , as I t h r e w off m y blankets a n d sat up , a full m o o n c l i m b e d i n t o h e r w e s t e r n b e d a n d pu l l ed t h e c louds over her , w h i l e h u n d r e d s o f cranes flew in w a t e r y f o r m a t i o n s above o u r

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c a m p — a Van G o g h pa in t ing , on ly in b r o w n s , blacks, greys a n d t h e l u m i n o u s y e l l o w o f t h e sky.

I h a d b e e n f o r m e d by Aust ra l ian landscape , so spare, r i go rous a n d p u r e , t h e ea r t h itself sen t ien t , u n t a m e a b l e . B u t t he r e was n o t a par t i c le o f India tha t h a d n o t se rv iced m a n : p l o u g h e d , t h r o w n as po t s , ea t en , shat o u t , lifted as dust , p l o u g h e d again. E v e n babies h a d seen mi l l enn ia . If t h e Aust ra l ian h o r i z o n inv i t ed y o u t o t h r o w off y o u r b u r d e n s a n d h e a d for van i sh ing p o i n t , h e r e t h e res t r ic t ions i m p o s e d by m a n d o m i n a t e d any i m p u l s e t o m o v e freely. D o g s a n d fences, forts a n d defensive walls, z inanas a n d spiked gates. N o s e r ings , l eg- i rons . R u l e s a n d codes b o l t i n g t h e social s t ruc tu re t ight ly i n t o p lace . T h e shape o f t h e c o u n t r y was de f ined b y t h e safeguarding o f p r o p e r t y .

I m e t s o m e o n e in D e l h i w h o said ' I k n e w t h e A b o r i g i n e s w e r e ve ry b a c k w a r d w h e n I h e a r d t hey h a d possessed Ayer 's R o c k for t h o u s a n d s o f years y e t n e v e r d e c o r a t e d it.' I i m a g i n e d U l u r u in Ind ia — s m e a r e d in saffron a n d silver, shit p i led u p in its caves, beggars a n d tou t s mi l l ing a r o u n d its base, p l u c k i n g at tour is ts — all t h e p o w e r a n d n u m i n o u s n e s s o f t h e p lace b u r i e d u n d e r tat. W h a t an t i the t ica l aesthet ics t h e y w e r e .

W h e n I first w e n t t o E n g l a n d , after l iv ing for years i n t h e Aust ra l ian deserts , I f o u n d t h e c o u n t r y s i d e d o m e s t i c a n d m e r e l y p re t ty . N o w I c a n n o t i m a g i n e h o w I h a d n o t always b e e n m o v e d b y its d ign i ty a n d subt le ty . W h a t it r e q u i r e d was a c h a n g e in gaze. N o t t h e Aust ra l ian squ in t swa l lowing d o w n vistas b u t a m o r e m y ­op i c search in a m o n g t h e detai l o f t h e f o r e g r o u n d w h e r e h i s to ry is insc r ibed . Eng l i sh c o u n t r y s i d e h a d frames bui l t in .

B u t India? H o w w o u l d I ever l e a rn t o d e c i p h e r it, t o b e at h o m e i n it?

T h a t m o r n i n g m a r k e d s o m e k i n d o f b e g i n n i n g . T h o s e co lour s , neve r seen e l sewhere in such c o m b i n a t i o n , t h e dis t inct ive shape o f fields a n d hills, t h e w o m e n in b lack — all t hose e l e m e n t s f o r m e d a p lace I c o u l d r e t u r n to , s o m e t h i n g I c o u l d claim. P a r m a c a m e to sit w i t h m e o n t h e b e d . W e w a t c h e d t h e cranes t o g e t h e r for a w h i l e . She said, ' T h e y are f rom across t h e sea, l ike y o u . S o o n y o u ' l l g o b a c k to y o u r c o u n t r y a n d forget a b o u t us. '

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T h e p lan h a d b e e n t o travel w i t h t h e R a b a r i as far as t h e Gujara t b o r d e r or , if t h e rains in K u t c h failed a n d P h a g u was forced to cross t h e b o r d e r i n t o M a d h y a P radesh , I w o u l d cer ta in ly a c c o m ­p a n y t h e m . N o w , t hanks t o o u r j e e p recce , h e h a d d e c i d e d t he re was n o n e e d to r isk grea t dis tances a n d u n k n o w n t e r r i t o r y this yea r : t h e d a n g w o u l d r e m a i n in Saurashtra .

W h a t w o u l d t h e ed i tors t h i n k o f m y ci rc l ing a r o u n d these b e ­n i g h t e d fields for six m o n t h s ? H a r d l y t h e ep ic stuff t hey h a d b e e n l ed to expec t . I was p r e t t y sure D i l i p w o u l d f ind t h e d a n g a b o u t as in te res t ing as m u d . I w o u l d have to t h i n k o f s o m e t h i n g else t o satisfy t h e m .

A n d so tha t pecu l i a r instabil i ty, c o n c e a l e d t e m p o r a r i l y b y t h e i n t e rna l s t ruc tu redness o f t h e d a n g , n o w re ins ta ted itself as t h e j o u r n e y ' s d o m i n a n t motif . N o m a t t e r h o w m u c h effort was e x ­p e n d e d , all i n t e n t i o n was g o v e r n e d b y t h e s e c o n d l aw o f t h e r m o ­d y n a m i c s . Ind ia is n o t a g o o d p lace for p e o p l e w h o , b e i n g chron ica l ly chao t i c i n themse lves , n e e d s o m e s e m b l a n c e o f ex t e rna l o rder .

M y fr iendships w i t h t h e R a b a r i h a d passed t h r o u g h phases: f l i r tat iousness, pol i teness , displays o f bes t b e h a v i o u r ; t h e n i n t i m ­acies, m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g s , quarre ls a n d m a k i n g up . It h a d set t led d o w n n o w i n t o a sor t o f o rd inar iness w h i c h , t h o u g h less exc i t ing , i nd i ca t ed a d e e p e r accep tance . B u t j u s t as coup le s b e g i n t o take advan tage o f each o ther ' s weaknesses , o n c e m u t u a l cur ios i ty a n d t h e desire t o please has g o n e , so t h e R a b a r i b e g a n t o exp lo i t m i n e .

A local w o m a n h a d c o m e to visit o u r c a m p ; she h a d asked t h e m w h e t h e r I was wea l thy . T h e y answered , ' S h e is so r i ch , she stays in a i r - c o n d i t i o n e d rooms . '

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T h e w o m a n p u c k e r e d h e r lips, n o d d i n g s lowly t o s o m e i n n e r t h o u g h t .

' S h e is so r i c h tha t she o w n s a jeep . ' T h e w o m a n sho t m e a sideways l o o k full o f ca lcu la t ion a n d

g reed . ' A n a i r - c o n d i t i o n e d j e e p ! ' T h e y w e r e all l o o k i n g at m e

sideways. I h a d m a d e a h u g e mis take a n d was o n l y n o w c o m i n g t o u n d e r ­

s tand t h e repercuss ions o f m y foolishness. I s h o u l d have s tuck t o t h e le t te r o f o u r c o n t r a c t as sc rupu lous ly as t h e y h a d at t h e b e ­g i n n i n g , t h e n g iven a gift o f m o n e y at t h e e n d o f o u r j o u r n e y toge the r . B u t h o w , in all consc i ence , c o u l d I deal i n t hose u n -th inkab ly small a m o u n t s o f m o n e y w h i c h m e a n t n o t h i n g t o m e a n d so m u c h t o t h e m . H o w c o u l d I h o l d b a c k m y h a n d w h e n it c a m e to p a y i n g a dollar for a taxi , o r fifty cents for sweets , o r t h e doc tor ' s fees, o r for m e d i c i n e . B u t this was false r eason ing . In m y o w n w o r l d a paisa m i g h t b e n o t h i n g ; h e r e it was a paisa a n d if t he r e was o n e ru l e t h e n o m a d s l ived b y it was tha t a fool a n d his paisa are s o o n p a r t e d .

It h a d b e g u n i n n o c e n t l y e n o u g h . In t h e distress o f n o t b e i n g able t o speak I w a n t e d to d e m o n s t r a t e m y g o o d w i l l b y b e i n g spendthr i f t n o t j u s t w i t h gifts b u t w i t h th ings it was t he i r d u t y t o p rov ide for m e . I m p e r c e p t i b l y at first, t h e avarice for w h i c h t he i r caste is f amous b e g a n to sh ine t h r o u g h l ike c o p p e r b e n e a t h w o r n s i lver-plat ing. It was d o n e in g o o d h u m o u r , w i t h h in ts a n d refer­ences , neve r b la tan t requests , b u t even so it c rea ted a t e n s i o n w h i c h I r e sen ted — a n o t h e r d ra in o n ene rgy . T h e y h a d r o b b e d m e o f t h e pleasure (and t h e p o w e r ) o f g iv ing . Perhaps e n c o d e d in m y lar ­gesse was a subt le insul t — t h e ba r ra sahib w h i t e w o m a n so r i ch , she c o u l d cast h e r m o n e y at t h e lowly . A n d as a de fence against feeling, o r s e e m i n g , o r ag ree ing to b e lowly , as a way o f r e t a in ing tha t p r i d e for w h i c h t h e y are also f amous , t hey n e e d e d to exp lo i t m e for w h a t I w o u l d have g iven freely anyway . S o m e t i m e s m y exaspera t ion s h o w e d a n d t h e n t hey c h a r m e d m e so s u b d y , so cleverly. W h e n t h e y c o u l d n ' t tease m e o u t o f a m o o d , t h e y w o u l d lay off, g o qu i e t a n d t h e n d o s o m e small t h i n g — fix s o m e p i e c e o f e q u i p m e n t , p resen t m e w i t h s o m e special food, b r i n g tea t o m y b e d . A n d w h e n I d id n o t g ive t h e m w h a t t hey asked for, w h i c h

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was rare, t h e y l a u g h e d a n d h u g g e d m e anyway . It was like a g a m e to t h e m . I h a d b o u g h t a c ame l saddle f rom N a k k i earl ier i n t h e j o u r n e y . N o w she was saying she h a d sold it at t h e w r o n g p r i c e a n d w a n t e d a n o t h e r h u n d r e d r u p e e s . A t ce r ta in m o m e n t s she was p u r e rapaci ty a n d I f o u n d it h a r d t o s tand u p t o her .

W h e n K o j u vis i ted w i t h t h e j e e p , h e n o t e d this a n d h e disl iked t h e m for it. R a j p u t p r i d e was o f a different o r d e r a l together . B u t m y co l lus ion in it baffled h i m . H e h a d n e v e r asked for an ext ra paisa, as i f o u r re la t ionship h a d n o e c o n o m i c aspects b u t was p u r e l y o f t h e hea r t . I c o u l d h e a r h i m t h i n k i n g , it doesn ' t pay to b e n o b l e . D a z z l e d as I was by his po ise a n d na tura l grace , I d id n o t always r e m e m b e r tha t K o j u was n o t a sophis t ica ted y o u n g m a n fresh f rom t h e e x c i t e m e n t s o f b ig ci ty life, o u t for a ho l iday r o m p a r o u n d t h e c o u n t r y s i d e . H e was a n o n - l i t e r a t e peasan t w h o s e e x ­p e r i e n c e o f t h e w o r l d was l im i t ed t o a cluster o f hu t s i n t h e m i d d l e o f s a n d - d u n e s sixty mi les f rom J o d h p u r . Lately h e h a d b e e n as m o o d y as a n ado lescen t a n d a b o u t as helpful .

H i s grea t flaw was w a n t i n g t o b e t h e m o s t p o p u l a r b o y a r o u n d a n d in this h e usually succeeded . B u t n o w h e was in a n o t h e r c o u n t r y for t h e first t i m e in his life, w i t h s t range p e o p l e w h o spoke a differ­e n t l anguage a n d w h o w e r e n o t as suscept ible t o his c h a r m s . H e was l o n e l y a n d o u t o f his d e p t h . A n d h e l acked t h e e q u i p m e n t w i t h w h i c h t o u n t a n g l e an i m m e n s e l y c o m p l e x j ea lousy .

I h a d sent h i m b a c k t o B h u j as of ten as possible as I k n e w h e h a d f o u n d s o m e R a j p u t fr iends the re . B u t o n t h e d a n g h e w o u l d sit o n his b o t t o m all day, s p i n n i n g ya rns a b o u t his village w h i l e I lifted a n d h a u l e d a n d l o a d e d a n d u n l o a d e d . I w a n t e d h i m to see it, w a n t e d h i m t o he lp m e o f his o w n accord , w i t h o u t b e i n g t r ea ted l ike a servant . W h i c h b e h a v i o u r was confus ing for K o j u w h o , if h e wasn ' t a servant was — w h a t ? I f o u n d it difficult t o give o rders p r e f e r r i ng e i the r t o d o t h e w o r k mysel f o r wa i t un t i l m y n e e d for assistance was so obv ious tha t a c re t in c o u l d n o t miss it. E i t h e r K o j u was t h e lat ter o r h e was p u n i s h i n g m e . Please, n o t now, K o j u , I said t o myself. Sulk la ter w h e n I have s o m e s t reng th . N o w I n e e d y o u .

I was t i red . I was t i red b e t w e e n synapses a n d in t h e c o n n e c t i v e tissue o f o rgans . T h e b o n e m a r r o w was t i red a n d t h e ca l c ium a r o u n d it b e n t w i t h t i redness . E a c h cell s c r eamed o u t I can ' t g o o n .

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A n d t h e c h e m i c a l reac t ions l o n g e d for t he i r thankless w o r k t o e n d so t h e y c o u l d m e l t d o w n a n d b e c o m e s o m e o t h e r life f o r m less t i red t h a n R o b y n D a v i d s o n . A n d , a n o t h e r funny t h i n g , I h a d n ' t h a d a p e r i o d in q u i t e a w h i l e . . . b u t I c o u l d n o t t h i n k a b o u t tha t now.

T h e c o u n t r y h e r e was so flat, so used , tha t t h e eye l a t ched o n t o any dis tant shape a n d d id n o t w a n t t o le t go , as if v i s ion itself c o u l d suffocate f rom so m u c h E u c l i d e a n g e o m e t r y . A n d o n t h e h o r i z o n these days, s o m e t i m e s in t h e sou th -eas t , s o m e t i m e s s w i n g i n g b y us t o t h e s o u t h - w e s t , was a b l u e m o u n t a i n — J u n a g a d h , M u g h a l c i ty o f H i n d u t emples .

H a d I k n o w n w h a t P h a g u m u s t have k n o w n — tha t this ho l iday , so eager ly awai ted a n d discussed, w o u l d m a r k t h e e n d o f o u r h a p p i e r t imes — I w o u l d , p e r h a p s , have i g n o r e d t h e i r r i t a t ions o f t h e dr ive t o J u n a g a d h a n d b e e n m o r e o p e n - h e a r t e d . As it was , I left i n a b a d t e m p e r w h i c h g r e w w i t h eve ry difficulty a l o n g t h e way . T h e e v e n i n g before , P h a g u h a d t a k e n m y car w i t h e v e r y t h i n g I n e e d e d a n d d idn ' t c o m e b a c k till n i gh t . A n d w h a t sor t o f an id io t was K o j u tha t h e a l lowed this t o h a p p e n ? Besides tha t (oh , h e i n o u s c r i m e ) , I f o u n d tha t m y carefully h i d d e n packe t o f C h a i r ­m a n M a o f irecrackers , t ha t i r rep laceable m e m e n t o , h a d b e e n d i s ­cove red b y H a t t i , t o r n apar t a n d t h e crackers u sed t o t e r r o r i z e sheep . And, o n t h e m o r n i n g o f o u r d e p a r t u r e , I was w o k e n u p before d a w n b y tha t a u t h o r i t a r i a n o ld bastard P h a g u a n d t o ld it was t i m e to ge t m o v i n g .

'Koju, ' I said. 'I absolu te ly refuse t o have m o r e t h a n twe lve p e o p l e in o r o n this j e e p . I'll leave i t t o y o u to m a k e sure tha t n o m o r e t h a n twe lve p e o p l e c o m e w i t h us , O K ? ' Ko ju s e e m e d to t h i n k tha t was O K . I sat g r i p p i n g t h e w h e e l . ' N o m o r e t h a n . . .' I s h o u t e d b u t n o o n e was h s t e n i n g because e v e r y o n e was squeal ing , l a u g h i n g , p u s h i n g a n d jos t l ing , a n d v e r y d e t e r m i n e d n o t t o b e left b e h i n d . T h e r e w e r e ch i ld ren o n t h e b o n n e t , a c lus ter o f boys c l ing ing t o t h e sides l ike oysters , feet d a n g l i n g a r o u n d t h e r o o f l ike a sur rey w i t h a f r inge o n t o p . A n d t h e b a c k o f t h e j e e p c o n t a i n e d w h a t l o o k e d l ike a h u n d r e d d i s e m b o d i e d w o m e n ' s faces t i ed t o ­g e t h e r w i t h b lack w o o l . 'Let 's go, ' said P a r m a a n d d u g m e i n t h e back . I fo lded m y a r m s a n d sat, o r r a t h e r c r o u c h e d , i n t h e driver 's seat, w a i t i n g for t h e no i se t o d ie d o w n . W h e n it d id I said, 'Twelve

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p e o p l e , n o t one more . ' Even tua l ly I go t it d o w n to a b o u t seven teen . K o j u sat n e x t t o m e a n d t he re was a w o m a n a n d t w o ch i ld ren n e x t t o h i m in t h e front seat. F r o m b e h i n d , e lbows a n d heads p o k e d i n t o m y b a c k so tha t I h a d t o h u n c h over t h e w h e e l , t h e n twis t m y b o d y sideways to avoid t h e b o d i e s c r u s h i n g m e i n t o t h e driver 's d o o r . Jus t as I was a b o u t t o start t h e e n g i n e , Ko ju o p e n e d t h e passenger door , p u s h e d h imse l f h a r d e r against m e , lifted a k n e e over t h e gear s t ick a n d said, ' R o o m for o n e m o r e i n t h e front. '

You ' l l pay, Ko ju , I t h o u g h t . You ' l l pay. P h a g u c h u c k l e d at m e t h r o u g h t h e w i n d o w a n d t o u c h e d m e

o n t h e shou lder . I g l o w e r e d at h i m , t h e n w e w e r e off, b u m p , c r u n c h , g r i n d , across t h e fields a n d o n to t h e road . W e m a d e several cha i s tops a long t h e w a y so tha t t h e w o m e n a n d ch i ld ren w h o h a d b e e n sick in t h e b a c k c o u l d wash a n d recover a little. P a r m a was w h i t e r t h a n m e a n d h a d b e e n us ing m y w i n d o w to v o m i t o u t of. T h e b lokes w e r e all r i g h t because t h e y w e r e s i t t ing o n t h e luggage rack k e e p i n g an eye o u t for p o l i c e m e n a n d o c c a s i o n ­ally d r o p p i n g the i r heads b e t w e e n the i r feet t o g iggle at m e ups ide d o w n t h r o u g h t h e w i n d s c r e e n i n such a w a y as t o m a k e see ing t h e r o a d ahe ad imposs ib le .

W h y d id I n o t ask Ko ju , m y driver , t o drive? I t h i n k it h a d s o m e t h i n g to d o w i t h a p r i m i t i v e response to sulk b e h a v i o u r in w h i c h t h e sulkee c o u n t e r - p u n i s h e s t h e sulker by os ten ta t ious ly p u n i s h i n g herse l f so tha t t h e sulker wi l l feel t r e m e n d o u s guil t a n d offer t o d r ive t h e j e e p . K o j u d id n o t offer t o dr ive t h e j e e p o r pe rhaps h e d id offer a n d I said n o in a long-suf fe r ing sor t o f way, because I was en joy ing b e i n g miserable . I d o n ' t r e m e m b e r . I on ly r e m e m b e r a r r i v ing h o u r s later at t h e base o f a m o u n t a i n a n d b e i n g c o n f r o n t e d b y t h e first o f t h e n i n e t h o u s a n d , n i n e h u n d r e d a n d n i n e t y - n i n e steps l ead ing t o t h e s u m m i t a n d t h e u l t ima te t e m p l e A m b a d j i , w h e r e w e c o u l d score p o i n t s w i t h G o d so tha t w e m i g h t n o t c o m e b a c k as c o c k r o a c h e s o r u n t o u c h a b l e s (or b e t t e r still, n o t c o m e b a c k at all; t h e idea o f w h i c h has always s t r uck m e as a d e t e r r e n t t o faith in t h e k a r m i c sys tem).

W e p a r k e d t h e car a n d c h e c k e d o u t an e a t i n g - h o u s e . C o o k i n g po t s b u b b l e d o n clay stoves at t h e front w h i c h was o p e n to t h e street . T i n tables sat b e h i n d in a g l o o m p i e r c e d by shards o f l ight f r o m t h e roof. Lit t le pigs r an u p t h e front steps a n d u n d e r t h e

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tables f rom t i m e t o t ime , on ly to b e k i cked , squeal ing , b a c k i n t o t h e street. T h e walls a n d w o o d e n struts o f t h e res taurant w e r e p las tered w i t h p ic tures o f va r ious gods , p e o p l e w h o h a d c l i m b e d A m b a d j i a n d m e m b e r s o f t h e r e s t au ra t eu r s family, o f w h o m t h e r e s e e m e d t o b e t h o u s a n d s . Nag j i , m y lit t le f r iend, a n d I sat at a table a n d shared a c igare t te ; e v e r y o n e h a d tea o r f ood e x c e p t P a r m a w h o l o u n g e d against t h e car. Bes ide t h e cafe was a b l u e ' h o t e l ' . A few h a w k e r s sold t he i r vegetables in t h e l ane b u t u n l i k e so m a n y o t h e r t emp le s I h a d vis i ted t h e a t m o s p h e r e a r o u n d A m b a d j i was peaceful . H e r e o n e c o u l d i m a g i n e G o d as a qu ie t , r u m i n a t i v e sor t o f fellow. T h e bu i ld ings g a t h e r e d themse lves i n t o t h e r o c k w h i c h p l u n g e d straight i n t o t h e g r o u n d , l ike a n island i n t o t h e sea. I n a cleft, t w e n t y yards away, c u t i n t o t h e m o u n t a i n was t h e flight o f steps, a b o u t t e n feet w i d e a n d o v e r h u n g b y masses o f d a r k gran i te . Li t t le caves i n t h e r o c k bes ide t h e steps c o n t a i n e d a few shops sell ing t e m p l e offerings a n d pa in t ings o f t h e gods b e d e c k e d in t insel .

T h e staircase b e c k o n e d u p a m o d e s t r ise, t h e n d i sappeared a r o u n d a b e n d . Secret ive steps, snugg l ing i n t o the i r m o t h e r s tone , g iv ing y o u a sense o f e n t e r i n g s o m e t h i n g r a the r t h a n a scend ing it. Pe rhaps t h e a n c i e n t m a s o n s h a d u n d e r s t o o d tha t if t h e m o u n t a i n even h i n t e d at w h a t it w o u l d cost t o r each its s u m m i t , n o m o r t a l w o u l d ever b e g i n .

M y tour i s t g u i d e was w r i t t e n in H i n d i , so at t h e t i m e I d id n o t k n o w a b o u t t h e t e n t h o u s a n d m i n u s o n e steps. E v e n if I h a d it w o u l d have m a d e n o difference. I, t o o , was smi t t en w i t h s u m m i t fever t h o u g h for less obv ious ly re l ig ious reasons. La ter I was t o ld t h e r e w e r e o n l y six t h o u s a n d , n i n e h u n d r e d a n d n i n e t y - n i n e steps b u t dec id ing , finally, j u s t h o w m a n y steps t he r e are t o A m b a d j i w o u l d b e l ike d e c i d i n g h o w m a n y angels d a n c e o n t h e h e a d o f a p in .

I w a i t e d for D r e a m b o a t t o take t h e c a m e r a b a g f rom m e as any w e l l - b r o u g h t - u p y o u n g m a n w o u l d do , w h e t h e r o r n o t it was his j o b , b u t h e was already d i sappea r ing u p t h e cleft. N a k k i , Ge lo , L a k h m a a n d Jaivi t o o k t h e lead. Nag j i h e l d m y h a n d . P a r m a cal led t o m e t o wa i t for he r . W e b e g a n t o c l imb.

T h e h i g h e r o n e w e n t t h e l igh te r t h e h e a r t b e c a m e a n d t h e closer o n e felt t o t h e spiri t o f t h e m o u n t a i n a n d to t h e p e o p l e w h o h a d fash ioned these stairs. W i n t e r s u n sparkled o n rock ; alti¬

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t u d e b reezes lifted kur t a s a n d swal lowed sweat . M o n k e y s accos ted us . E a c h b e n d t u r n e d , e a c h p la teau r eached , p r e s e n t e d s o m e t h i n g n e w — a sh r ine set in a n i c h e , a m i n u t e cha i s h o p shaded b y rock , a s tand o f f l ower ing sh rubs a n d trees, a small t e m p l e w i t h bells r i n g i n g a n d gods s ta r ing t h r o u g h glass eyes, a sadhu in saffron offer ing his p rashad a n d t ak ing o u r co ins w i t h a r ap tu rous smile, vistas be low, a l o o m i n g mass above c h a n g i n g shape a n d w e i g h t w i t h every t u r n o f t h e stairs. E a c h t u r n revealed a n e w perspec t ive o n w h e r e y o u h a d b e e n be fo re — a m e t a p h o r for life.

T h e R a b a r i d id n o t s e e m in te res ted in any aes thet ic pleasures t h e m o u n t a i n m i g h t offer. F o r t h e m t h e c l imb was a ser ious b u s i ­ness. A t every h o l y p lace t h e y gave o u t the i r m o n e y o r the i r gifts a n d w e r e blessed, as if t h e y w e r e m a k i n g u p for all t hose godless days o n t h e d a n g a n d all t ha t w e r e to c o m e . O n l y t h e I ron V i r g i n s e e m e d t o h a r b o u r a r o m a n t i c streak. E a c h t i m e w e s t o p p e d she lay d o w n t o l o o k , d reami ly , at t h e sky, t h e bi rds , t h e trees, a cliff c h a r g i n g t h r o u g h c louds p i l o t ed b y an eagle.

' H o , R a t t i ben . ' I t u r n e d a r o u n d to see tha t she was still gaz ing u p w a r d . I w e n t b a c k t o her . She t r i ed to ge t up , fa inted, c a m e to , t h r e w up , fa in ted again, t h e n go t up . 'Let 's go, ' she said. I was n o t t o le t a n y o n e k n o w h o w ill she was b u t by a b o u t t h e t h o u s a n d t h step, t h e o t h e r s b e g a n t o n o t i c e .

N a k k i , t h o u g h h a p p y t o wa i t w i t h h e r un t i l P a r m a r ecove red herself, was a n y t h i n g b u t so f t -hear ted . It was in Parma ' s interests t o ge t t o t h e t o p a n d m o l l y c o d d l i n g w o u l d n o t he lp h e r t o d o tha t . O n l y wi l l a n d d e t e r m i n a t i o n w o u l d ge t h e r there , n o m a t t e r h o w ill she was . 'Jai R a m j i k i ( someth ing) ho, ' c a m e h e r s c o u r g i n g vo ice a n d P a r m a r e s p o n d e d t o it l ike a foot soldier in Boadicea ' s a r m y .

N o t o n c e d id she c o m p l a i n . N o t o n c e d id she t h i n k o f g iv ing up . She w o u l d d rag herse l f o u t o f a s w o o n , h e r face y e l l o w a n d sl imy, g r i n at m e , v o m i t , d ig m e in t h e b a c k as if I w e r e t h e o n e h o l d i n g e v e r y o n e u p a n d hau l herse l f u p t h e steps, a h a n d d r a p e d u p o n m y s h o u l d e r t o l o o k l ike a ges ture o f i n t i m a c y ra the r t h a n t h e l i f e - suppor t it really was . B u t if I l o o k e d overly c o n c e r n e d o r m a d e a b i g t o - d o o f h e l p i n g her , she 'd give m e tha t ' d o n ' t m a k e m e p u k e ' l o o k a n d s t ruggle a long o n h e r o w n . Imposs ib le n o t t o love such p e o p l e , even w h e n y o u h a t e d t h e m .

Actua l ly b y t h e t h r e e t h o u s a n d t h b u t o n e step it was mo s t l y K o j u I ha t ed . W h e n e v e r I c a u g h t u p w i t h h i m h e w o u l d cast m e a l o o k in w h i c h conf l ic t ing e m o t i o n s lay unsuccessfully concea l ed , l ike t h e w o u n d e d gaze o f s o m e ha l f -wi t lover. I h a n d e d h i m t h e c a m e r a bag . H e t o o k it. W e d id n o t speak.

Hal fway u p was a c lus ter o f t emples , t he i r d o m e s in la id w i t h b l u e mosa ic . T h e y l o o k e d l ike luscious fat cup -cakes s tacked o n t h e side o f t h e m o u n t a i n a n d t h e sight o f t h e m m a d e y o u w a n t t o swal low d o w n t h e sight a n d g rab for m o r e . P a r m a w o r e t ha t quizzical , t o l e ran t l o o k as I o o h e d a n d aahed . T o h e r t hey m i g h t as we l l have b e e n bu i l t o f b r e e z e - b l o c k a n d it s t ruck m e as pecu l i a r tha t t h e R a b a r i , w h o have such a fine aes thet ic o f the i r o w n , s h o u l d b e b l ind to t h e w o n d e r s tha t lay a r o u n d t h e m , apparen t ly u n a b l e t o tell t h e difference b e t w e e n t h e sub l ime a n d t h e k i t sch .

It t o o k us five h o u r s t o r each t h e p e n u l t i m a t e peak . T h e closer w e go t t o t h e t op , t h e fewer t h e shops a n d t h e faithful, t h e s lower a n d m o r e a g o n i z i n g t h e c l imb. B u t t h e air h a d a c h a m p a g n e q u a l ­i ty a n d w e w e r e so close to o u r goal , w e l a u g h e d away o u r e x ­haus t i on . P a r m a was feel ing so m u c h b e t t e r tha t she c o u l d k e e p d o w n w a t e r a n d n o l o n g e r n e e d e d to lean o n m e . T h e p a t h passed b y t h e sh r ine o f y e t a n o t h e r B r a h m i n pr ies t w h o w a i t e d l ike a sp ider i n this c h o i c e p o s i t i o n t o ' g ive ' w a t e r t o t h e thirs ty . W h e n it c a m e m y t u r n h e d e m a n d e d a w a t c h a n d a h u n d r e d r u p e e s . G e l o said, shocked , ' B u t she's w i t h us.' I said it d idn ' t ma t te r , I d id n o t w a n t w a t e r f rom such a m a n a n d p o u r e d it b a c k i n t o his lo ta .

A t last w e c o u l d see A m b a d j i o n a p innac l e a he ad o f us . A few h u n d r e d steps d o w n a gorge , t h e n u p t h e p rec ip i tous r o c k wall . I d e c i d e d n o t t o a c c o m p a n y t h e m for this final leg. It was t he i r day, t he i r p lace, t he i r gods . I sat against w a r m s tone a n d w a t c h e d s u n o n a p a t c h o f g o l d e n grass — a m i n i a t u r e Z e n ga rden set i n g ran i te . W h e n I was full u p to t h e t o p w i t h t h e bliss o f t h e beaut i ful , I w a n d e r e d b a c k t o t h e last cha i s h o p o n t h e m o u n t a i n . It was t h e usual makeshif t p lace o p e n o n t w o sides, t h e chai po t s at t h e front , tables at t h e b a c k in t h e dark. I was t h e o n l y c u s t o m e r .

T h e s h o p o w n e r c o n t i n u e d t o gaze o u t at t h e b l u e air w h i c h fell away be low, j u s t t e n yards f rom his feet. A m i d g e t , dressed in r ed shir t a n d t iny sarong, s c u r r i e d a r o u n d in t h e dark , s w e e p -

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i n g a n d m u t t e r i n g . All else was qu ie t . W h e n I w e n t t o pay m y bill I said, ' H o w d o y o u ge t y o u r provis ions u p he re? ' H e smi led dreami ly . ' E v e r y day I w a l k d o w n ; every day I w a l k up. '

T h e y w e r e rad ian t w h e n t hey r e t u r n e d . E v e n K o j u l o o k e d happy . I fell i n bes ide h i m a n d asked h i m to st ick w i t h m e as I m i g h t w a n t t o take p ic tu res . T h e R a b a r i sk ipped off ahead , saying w e w o u l d m e e t u p at t h e base. After half an h o u r t h e r e s e e m e d t o b e n o o n e left o n t h e m o u n t a i n . D a r k was s eep ing o u t o f t h e r o c k a n d it was difficult t o see t h e steps ahead . G o i n g u p h a d b e e n m o r e e x h a u s t i n g b u t c o m i n g d o w n was m o r e painful . K n e e s c reaked a n d c o m p l a i n e d . Calves c r a m p e d . Blisters f o r m e d . H o w I e n v i e d K o j u his y o u t h , tha t casual e n e r g y y o u d o n o t realize y o u have un t i l it's g o n e . T h o u g h he , t o o , let o u t l i t t le g roans n o w a n d t h e n . W e t r a m p e d o n in t h e darkness .

B u t at t h e base t h e r e w e r e n o ladies i n black; t h e res taurant wal lah h a d n o t seen t h e m ; t h e y w e r e still s o m e w h e r e u p t h e m o u n ­ta in . B u t w h e r e w o u l d t h e y sleep? S e c o n d q u e s t i o n , w h e r e w o u l d w e sleep? K o j u d e c i d e d t o sleep in t h e car. I asked h i m t o ge t m e a r o o m in t h e b lue h o t e l . It was fifty r u p e e s .

Fifty r u p e e s for a r o o m e m p t y o f a n y t h i n g save a d o z e n j u m ­b led quilts so greasy w i t h use t hey h a d t u r n e d b lack, a l ight swi t ch a n d b e d bugs . I k e p t t h e l ight o n a n d lay d o w n g inger ly o n t h e filthy razais. T h e walls w e r e t h in . T h e r e was n o l o c k o n t h e doo r . A fat m a n in a w h i t e s inglet b a r g e d in , t h e n b a r g e d o u t again . F o r s o m e h o u r s I lay l i s ten ing to t ru ly a w e s o m e b e l c h i n g , far t ing a n d t h i r t y - s e c o n d th roa t c lear ings fo l lowed b y a splat o f spit, ch i ld ren wai l ing , a wi fe c r y i n g a n d to cap it, l oudspeake r s n o t t w e n t y yards away, s c reech ing bhaj jans i n t o t h e n igh t . T h i s is hel l , I t h o u g h t , a n d lay the re , g n a w e d b y bugs a n d b y l o a t h i n g for m y species. A t a b o u t t h r e e i n t h e m o r n i n g I w e n t t o sleep in t h e car w i t h Ko ju .

W h e n t h e ravens tap, tap, t a p p e d o n t h e w i n d o w at daybreak I was n o t h a p p y . T h e y h a d spen t a fine n i g h t u n d e r t h e stars o n cha rpo i s u p in tha t c o o l air. W h y h a d I c o m e d o w n here? W e breakfasted, t h e n all p i l ed in . B u t w e d id n o t h e a d b a c k t o t h e dang , ah n o . It was necessary tha t w e s top at every t e m p l e i n J u n a g a d h . B y m i d - m o r n i n g I h a d seen e n o u g h step wells a n d g o n g e d e n o u g h bells t o see m e t h r o u g h l ifet imes. In t h e cen t r e o f

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t o w n I p a r k e d t h e car a n d left t h e m t o it . B u t t h e j e e p was t o o h o t t o d o z e in , so I w e n t l o o k i n g for a tea s h o p w h e r e I c o u l d sleep s i t t ing up . I w a n t e d t o b e left a lone . T h a t was all.

I w a l k e d a r o u n d t h e t o w n l o o k i n g for a d e n to c rawl i n to . I was fo l lowed b y m e n w h o hissed a n d g iggled . I f o u n d a s tone a n d sat o n it . A c r o w d ga the red . I p u t m y h e a d d o w n i n t o m y h a n d s a n d absen ted mysel f men ta l ly . A few m o m e n t s later I l o o k e d u p a n d the re , n o t a foo t f rom m y face, was a r o w o f m e n ' s c ro tches . A b o v e t h e c ro tches was a r o w o f eyes l o o k i n g at m e in tha t d e a d way . A c h o k i n g sensa t ion filled m y throa t , bu r s t b e h i n d m y eyes. I b e g a n h u r r y i n g t h r o u g h t h e streets t h i n k i n g I h a t e India , I ha t e India , I ha t e India .

I sat in a tea shop . O p e n drains full o f g rey s l ime r a n b e n e a t h m y feet. A li t t le b o y was w a s h i n g plates a n d cups in a b o w l o f w a t e r g lu t i nous w i t h grease, f ood m a t t e r a n d d r o w n e d flies. A r o u n d t h e b o y a n d t h e plates a n d t h e pla te scrapings a n d t h e s l ime — a n i m b u s o f flies. T h e ch i ld h imse l f so t h i n y o u c o u l d have clasped y o u r f ingers a r o u n d his waist . Bes ide us was a b u i l d i n g tha t c o u l d have g r a c e d a street i n Paris o r u p p e r wes t side N e w York . B u t it was b r o k e n d o w n , t h e w i n d o w s b l i n d e d b y ca rdboa rd a n d t in — a s lum o f c r u m b l i n g m o r t a r a n d b r o k e n glass s u r r o u n d e d b y garbage a n d t h e smell o f shit .

W h a t d id o t h e r p e o p l e see tha t I c o u l d n o t see? O r w h a t was I see ing tha t o the r s apparen t ly d id n o t see? T h e wel l -o f f w e s t e r n e r s w h o c a m e h e r e for e n l i g h t e n m e n t , w h a t d id t h e y see? T h i s r ep re s ­s ion a n d c o r r u p t i o n , spiri tual? T h i s w o r s h i p o f t h e r u p e e , n o n -material is t ic? T h i s stasis, this d e a d e n d , a goal t o b e r e a c h e d b y h u m a n i t y ?

I l o o k e d d o w n t h e s treet a n d I saw an ent i re ly n a k e d m a n w a l k i n g a long , s m e a r e d in ash. I saw a f igure in b lack a n d red, also s m e a r e d w i t h ash, c a r r y i n g a t h r i s h o o l w i t h w h i c h t o p i c k o u t bits o f b u r n t h u m a n flesh to eat f rom t h e c r e m a t i o n g r o u n d s — h i g h t an t r i c p rac t ice . I saw a d w a r f sell ing plastic c o m b s , h a i r - b a n d s a n d b o b b y - p i n s f r o m a w o o d e n trolley. H e was t h e ugliest little m a n I'd ever seen a n d o n his h e a d was an e n o r m o u s t o u p e e . Yet n o o n e was l o o k i n g at these t r ibu tes t o h u m a n diversi ty, t h e y w e r e l o o k ­i n g at m e . A n d the i r eyes w e r e p e e l i n g m y flesh away. I w e n t t o h i d e i n a car.

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B y m i d - a f t e r n o o n w e w e r e h e a d i n g o u t o f t o w n . As w e passed t h r o u g h t h e ci ty wall , a grea t s h o u t w e n t u p f rom t h e o c c u p a n t s o f t h e car. T h e y h a d b e e n t o so m a n y t emp le s a n d d o u s e d themselves w i t h so m u c h h o l y water , t he i r souls w e r e t ransparent . T h e y c a r ­r i e d bo t t les o f w a t e r f rom t h e step wells o f va r ious t emp le s t o take h o m e to loved ones a n d t e m p l e j u n k blessed b y B r a h m i n s ; t hey h a d ea t en all t he i r s t o m a c h s c o u l d ca r ry a n d t h e y w e r e b e i n g d r i v e n h o m e in ' t he i r ' taxi b y ' t he i r ' dr iver .

W e a r r ived b a c k in t h e e v e n i n g b u t n o o n e r u s h e d i m m e d i a t e l y i n t o c a m p . T h e r e was to b e a r i tua l w e l c o m i n g a n d e x c h a n g e o f t h e sacred wate r . I s h o u l d have r e m a i n e d w i t h t h e r e t u r n i n g g r o u p b u t was a l lowed to g o to take p ic tures o f H a t t i b e i n g dressed u p for t h e occas ion . It was she w h o w o u l d accep t t h e wate r . T w o o l d e r w o m e n m a d e h e r u p - k o h l a n d l ipstick, an an t ique , heavi ly b e a d e d a n d e m b r o i d e r e d headdress cons is t ing o f t w o discs c o v e r ­i n g t h e ears. O n h e r h e a d was p l aced a small p o t . She b e g a n to t r emb le , j u s t as if she w e r e a b o u t t o del iver Port ia 's m e r c y s p e e c h before an a u d i e n c e o f t h o u s a n d s . W h e n e v e r y t h i n g was ready, t h e t w o par t ies faced each o t h e r across t h e field a n d b e g a n to sing. T h e y w a l k e d s lowly towards each o ther . H a t t i was in t h e mids t o f h e r pa r ty , b e i n g h e l d a n d a ided b y t h e o lde r w o m e n . T h e n she m o v e d a li t t le i n front , qu ie t ly con f iden t now, t h e R a b a r i gen ius e m b o d i e d i n her . A n d t h e v e n o m tha t h a d co l lec ted in m y b l o o d tha t day was neu t r a l i zed b y t h e sight o f her .

After tha t it was b a c k to n o r m a l life. M y r e n d i t i o n o f P a r m a c l i m b i n g to A m b a d j i was t o b e c o m e a p o p u l a r se t -p iece for e v e n i n g e n t e r t a i n m e n t .

B u t at n i g h t now, as I p u n c h e d sheep , it was clear tha t t h e pressures o f t h e last c o u p l e o f m o n t h s h a d t a k e n the i r toll . A g a i n a n d again I w o u l d r e t u r n to t h e rage tha t h a d assailed m e in J u n a g a d h , a n d t h e fear o f tha t rage. It b u b b l e d u p f r o m s o m e w h e r e d e e p a n d was t o o s t rong to s t aunch . T h e w o r d s ' I ha t e Ind ia ' d id n o t fit w i t h t h e p e r s o n I t h o u g h t I was . E v e r y t h i n g e n r a g e d m e b u t w h a t e n r a g e d m e m o s t was t h e sense o f hopelessness , tha t w h a t e v e r o n e m i g h t t r y t o d o to c h a n g e th ings w o u l d b e c r u s h e d b y t h e vast w e i g h t o f this c o u n t r y , a w e i g h t m e a s u r e d n o t j u s t b y mass b u t b y t i m e . You c o u l d n o t f ight Ind ia . It t a u g h t y o u passivity o r it d rove y o u m a d .

Di l ip was a b o u t t h e least passive p e r s o n I'd ever c o m e across. W h e r e I c o u l d le t m o s t th ings r i d e over m e , Di l ip t o o k issue o n every p o i n t . If a begga r d e m a n d e d t w o r u p e e s ins tead o f t h e o n e g iven , Di l ip g r a b b e d t h e first r u p e e back . W h e n p e o p l e g a t h e r e d a r o u n d m e in t h e street, h e s h o u t e d at t h e m , 'Let 's go t o y o u r h o u s e a n d leer at your m o t h e r s a n d sisters.' I f a g o v e r n m e n t wal lah sat d o i n g n o t h i n g w h i l e suppl icants wa i t ed , D i l i p t h u m p e d t h e desk a n d d e m a n d e d a t t en t i on . N o t h i n g escaped his fur ious sc ru t iny . O r , pe rhaps , n o t h i n g a l lowed h i m t o escape.

W o r k i n g w i t h a p h o t o g r a p h e r o n a p ro jec t such as this is b o u n d to have its f rustrat ions. B u t w h e n every step t aken is c o n f o u n d e d b y difficulties, t h e n i t is g o o d t o f ind s o m e c o m m o n g r o u n d . A n d n o w tha t I finally a d m i t t e d t o b e i n g u n h i n g e d b y this c o u n t r y , w e h a d f o u n d j u s t tha t — Ind ia -bash ing .

T h e r e was s o m e t h i n g else D i l i p offered m e , t h e seduc t ions o f relative c o m f o r t . H e n e e d e d to stay in a h o t e l because o f his e q u i p m e n t a n d also because h e c o u l d n o t see t h e p o i n t o f d o i n g a n y t h i n g else. I h a d f o u n d h i m t h e bes t o n e in R a j k o t — a m o d e r n ver t ical w a r r e n in such a state o f d i l ap ida t ion tha t it h a d an o rgan ic l o o k a b o u t it. E lec t r ica l cables d r a p e d it l ike j u n g l e v ines ; c e m e n t p e e l e d f rom its facade l ike slabs o f g ran i t e f r o m J u n a g a d h m o u n t a i n . D i l i p said, ' W h y aren ' t y o u s taying h e r e as wel l? '

A w h o l e r o o m to mysel f i n w h i c h to w r i t e u p n o t e s , w a s h m y c lo thes , sleep o n a h o r i z o n t a l surface. In this r o o m I c o u l d b e t h e o t h e r R o b y n D a v i d s o n for a w h i l e . W h y p u n i s h myself? I c o u l d c o m e t o a t o w n each w e e k for a day o r so, take a ba th , have a d e c e n t sleep a n d dr ive t h e j e e p b a c k o u t t o t h e d a n g afterwards.

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W h y , t h e R a b a r i themselves w o u l d t h i n k m e a fool for s taying w i t h t h e m w h e n I c o u l d b e in an a i r - c o n d i t i o n e d h o t e l .

B y t h e e n d o f tha t s h o o t m y r o o m was n o l o n g e r a l u x u r y b u t as necessary t o m e as a snail's shell is t o a snail. O n t h e last day w h e n I t h o u g h t I m u s t surely c rack a long t h e m a n y fault l ines a p p e a r i n g in m y character , a beggar , c o m i n g t h r o u g h t h e c rowds already s u r r o u n d i n g m e a n d b l o c k i n g m y way , accos ted m e as I was ge t t i ng i n t o Dil ip 's car. I d id n o t w a n t h e r t o t u g at m y c lo thes l ike tha t , pers is t ing , sna t ch ing at m y sleeve now, aggressively, w h i n ­i n g a n d scra tch ing , b u t w i t h an e d g e o f anger . T h e m o r e she pers is ted, t h e d e e p e r m y resolve t o give h e r n o t h i n g . I felt m y s t o m a c h t i g h t e n , u n r e a s o n b u b b l i n g , r is ing. I g o t i n t o t h e car a n d t r i ed t o roll t h e w i n d o w up . H e r a r m c a m e t h r o u g h , p o k i n g a n d j a b b i n g . I t u r n e d a n d l o o k e d h e r i n t h e eyes a n d b e t w e e n us passed p u r e ha t red . I g r a b b e d h e r a r m a n d f lung it o u t o f t h e w i n d o w . D i l i p drove off h o n k i n g his h o r n a n d t h r e a t e n i n g t o r u n d o w n t h o s e w h o w e r e s low t o ge t o u t o f his way .

W e w e n t t o an a i r - c o n d i t i o n e d res taurant . T h e r e w e r e wai te rs w i t h trays a n d s ta rched c lo ths . W e sat b y a plate-glass w i n d o w w h i c h separa ted us f rom t h e life o f t h e street . Its d i scomfor ts . Its despera t ions .

' I w a n t e d t o h i t tha t w o m a n . ' D i l i p l o o k e d at m e a n d regis tered tha t I was t r emb l ing . W i t h

g e n u i n e c o n c e r n h e said, ' W h e n it gets tha t bad , it's t i m e to leave.' W h e n h e h a d g o n e b a c k to D e l h i , I d e c i d e d to r e cupe ra t e i n

t h e h o t e l for a c o u p l e m o r e days. After p r o p p i n g mysel f u n d e r t h e s h o w e r for an h o u r , I t u r n e d o n t h e te levis ion t o d u n k m y p s y c h e i n a s t ream in Engl i sh . I d id n o t w a n t t o k n o w w h a t was g o i n g o n in t h e w o r l d . It was t o o far away a n d it h a d n o t h i n g to d o w i t h w h e r e I was . I j u s t w a n t e d t o b e e m b r a c e d b y m y language . It was l ike h o m e s i c k n e s s . T h e n I r a n g N a r e n d r a a n d m y t h i n spiri t t r i c k ­led gratefully i n t o t h e o c e a n o f his .

' I d o n ' t k n o w w h a t t o do . D i l i p asked m e , " W h e r e ' s t h e s t o ry?" a n d I h o n e s t l y d o n ' t k n o w '

' H m m . ' ' So I ' m t h i n k i n g o f w a l k i n g b a c k to J o d h p u r w i t h m y camels ,

t ravel l ing w i t h o t h e r dangs a long t h e way . D i l i p can ge t his p i c ­tures a n d at least t he re ' d b e a k i n d o f shape t o t h e th ing . '

. . • • . 177

' B u t are y o u u p to i t? ' ' N o . B u t I d o n ' t t h i n k I have a choice . ' ' I ' l l d o w h a t e v e r y o u w a n t m e to. ' W h a t I w a n t e d h i m , o r a n y o n e else, t o d o was to tell m e tha t I

h a d d o n e e n o u g h a n d c o u l d g o h o m e n o w . B u t o f c o u r s e tha t was n o t his style. F o r s o m e u n a c c o u n t a b l e reason h e be l ieved t h e r e was value in w h a t I was d o i n g ; be l ieved in it even w h e n I d id n o t . Especial ly w h e n I d id n o t .

I m a d e a d r a m a o f t h e p r o b l e m s w i t h Ko ju , w h o was staying in a n o t h e r r o o m o f t h e h o t e l , as a w a y o f l e t t ing off s team, li t t le t h i n k i n g w h a t t h e repercuss ions w o u l d b e . N a r e n d r a r a n g h i m . I d o n o t k n o w w h a t was said b u t t h e e n d result was tha t K o j u w e n t b a c k in tears t o J o d h p u r o n t h e bus , a n d was rep laced b y s o m e o n e f rom t h e S h e e p a n d W o o l D e p a r t m e n t i n B h u j .

' B u t N a r e n d r a , I d idn ' t m e a n y o u t o d o that. ' 'Lis ten, yaar. You ' re u n d e r pressure . You 've go t t o have s o m e o n e

w i t h y o u y o u can rely o n a n d w h o is o f use to y o u . If Koju 's g o i n g t o b e a p r i m a d o n n a , a few w e e k s b a c k h e r e wi l l sor t h i m o u t o n e w a y o r t h e o the r . H e has t o w o r k o u t w h a t sor t o f p e r s o n h e wan t s t o be. '

As it t u r n e d ou t , R a m e s h , m y n e w driver , was mul t i l ingua l a n d a t h o u s a n d t imes m o r e helpful t h a n K o j u . B u t K o j u a n d I h a d b e e n t h r o u g h th ings toge the r . I h a d l ed h i m to bel ieve tha t h e was n o t so m u c h a servant as a c o m r a d e . A n d I h a d b e t r a y e d h i m .

In o r d e r n o t t o t h i n k o f w h a t I h a d d o n e , I t u r n e d m y a t t e n t i o n to t h e te levis ion. I k e p t s w i t c h i n g channe l s , t r y i n g to fit w h a t I was see ing - t h e spir i tual deso la t ion o f m o d e r n i t y - w i t h w h e r e I h a d b e e n . G o r g e o u s w o m e n in fabulous saris floated t h r o u g h ki tsch marb l e b a t h r o o m s w i t h go ld taps, t ra i l ing p i n k toi le t p a p e r b e h i n d t h e m like veils. O r p o u r e d H a r p i c i n t o wes t e rn - s ty l e toilets , l eav ing a trail o f l i t t le stars. O r gave the i r su i ted h u s b a n d s N e s t l e n o o d l e s w h e n t h e y c a m e h o m e f rom w o r k . A d v e r t i s e m e n t s o f t h e grossest, m o s t man ipu la t ive k i n d , i n s inua t ing the i r p o i s o n i n t o every c r a n n y o f t h e c o u n t r y . A n d those g r o o m e d B B C w o m e n a n n o u n c i n g t h e wor ld ' s m o s t r e c e n t disasters. H o w al ien t h e y w e r e . A n d h o w secure . H o w d id t hose images fit w i t h w h a t exis ted o n t h e o t h e r side o f m y d o o r — t h e sweepers , as faceless as fu rn i tu re , listlessly shifting dus t f rom o n e c o r n e r t o ano the r ? T h e n e x t day I r e t u r n e d to t h e hardships a n d h u m a n i t y o f t h e dang .

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I t was m i d - D e c e m b e r . I h a d b e e n w i t h t h e R a b a r i for a lmos t t h r ee m o n t h s a n d m y t i m e w i t h t h e m was c o m i n g to an e n d . N o o n e spoke o f it b u t it was the re , l ike a li t t le m o a t b e t w e e n us , w i d e n i n g each day. I h a d t h e j e e p w i t h m e m o s t o f t h e t i m e n o w . It s e e m e d unnecessa r i ly pu r i t an ica l n o t t o enjoy t h e m o d e s t l u x u r ­ies it afforded, such as d r i v i n g to decay ing dak b u n g a l o w s ( g o v e r n ­m e n t resthouses) o n c e a w e e k for h o t b u c k e t - b a t h s in t h e p r ivacy o f a c e m e n t cubic le ; a b e d in a r o o m ba re o f a n y t h i n g b u t b r o k e n p u n k a h a n d a m o s q u i t o n e t full o f dus t a n d holes . W h e n e v e r I r e t u r n e d , t h e y g r e e t e d m e j u s t as w a r m l y b u t it was as if t hey d id so f rom t h e d e c k o f a ship w h i c h w o u l d s o o n b e leaving. W e w e r e c u t t i n g off f rom each o the r , s t r eamer b y s t reamer .

It was w i n t e r at last a n d a c o o l b r e e z e b l e w at n igh t . T h e R a b a r i h u d d l e d against it i n the i r w o o l l e n shawls, l ike Inu i t o u t ­side t he i r ig loos . A b o v e , t h e r e w e r e m a c k e r e l c louds . O u t s i d e t h e dus t o f t h e dang , t h e e v e n i n g air was crystal l ine. E a c h day n o w P h a g u w e n t s c o u t i n g in t h e j e e p , R a m e s h d r iv ing , h e a n d I p e r c h e d u p o n t h e l uggage rack . T h a t a lmos t f o rg o t t en g o o d -w e a t h e r feel ing — sensuous air m a k i n g t h e w o r l d lovely again. W e drove t h r o u g h u n d u l a t i n g f a rmland a n d it was as if t h e l ight w e r e refracted t h r o u g h amethys t . T h e p l o u g h e d fields w e r e p u r p l e a n d Ambad j i , l a rger n o w b u t still r i d i n g t h e h o r i z o n , was b l u e o n pale p i n k .

W h i l e life was easier for m e d u r i n g these last weeks , it was g r o w i n g m o r e difficult for t h e R a b a r i . T h e w a y a h ead was c o n ­s t r ic t ing , d a r k e n i n g . A n d despi te t he i r efforts at g o o d cheer , t h e a t m o s p h e r e in t h e d a n g n o w was s o m b r e . O n e day w e h a d j u s t m a d e c a m p w h e n a local caste o f he rde r s c a m e a n d b e g a n s h o u t ­i n g a n d t h r e a t e n i n g us . T h e w o m e n p laca ted t h e m . Yes, w e w o u l d m o v e o n . N o n e e d for t roub le . Afterwards e v e r y o n e j o k e d w i t h m e a b o u t ' w a r ' b e i n g i m m i n e n t a n d I'd b e t t e r l e a rn h o w to use a sling. (We k e p t o u r sticks h a n d y now, j u s t i n case.) B u t t h e r e was an e d g e t o t h e h u m o u r . T h e s i tua t ion was ser ious . P h a g u drove off t o s cou t a n o t h e r p lace ; t h e rest o f us p a c k e d u p a n d w a l k e d an ext ra six mi les .

E v e r y day fa rmers to ld us t o m o v e o n , t h r e a t e n i n g b o t h graziers a n d w o m e n w i t h sticks o r knives . A g u n d a h c a m e t o c a m p a n d i n t i m a t e d tha t h e w o u l d b r i n g his ma te s a n d m a k e t roub le . P h a g u

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gave h i m five r u p e e s a n d tea. T h e m u k k i o f a local R a b a r i d a n g c a m e to visit a n d t he re was a h e a t e d e x c h a n g e in w h i c h P h a g u p o i n t e d to t h e o t h e r man ' s s t o m a c h a n d t h e n to his o w n . B u t it all e n d e d amicab ly a n d by t h e a f t e r n o o n t h e y w e r e goss ip ing t o ­g e t h e r l ike o ld hens . Neve r the l e s s w e m u s t m o v e o n .

I h a d d r i v e n t o G o n d a l , t h e nearest t o w n , t o m a k e p h o n e calls a n d have a wash . W h e n I r e t u r n e d , e v e r y o n e was p a c k i n g u p a n d a c l o u d o f t e n s i o n h u n g over t h e w h o l e c a m p .

' P a r m a , wha t ' s t h e m a t t e r ? ' ' Pack up , R a t t i b e n . W e ' v e go t t o go. ' B l o o d h a d b e e n spilt this t i m e despi te all t h e evasive tactics a n d

d i p l o m a c y . P h a g u h a d d e c i d e d tha t t h e d a n g m u s t b r e a k u p i n t o t h r e e g r o u p s . Smal ler flocks w o u l d b e less t h r e a t e n i n g to t h e locals. A n d so w e l o a d e d i n s i lence and , after w a l k i n g a few mi les d o w n t h e road, t h e l ine o f camels b e g a n t o split u p . D e v s h i b h a i t o o k his g r o u p a l o n g a d i r t t rack to o u r left. W e lifted o u r a rms to t h e m o n c e , t h e n c o n c e n t r a t e d o n t h e road ahead . A lit t le later Pala bhai 's family a n d several o the r s p e e l e d off i n t h e same w a y . Aga in , t h e silent farewell . I h a d o n l y j u s t m e m o r i z e d everyone ' s n a m e s .

T h a t n i g h t t h e d a n g was miserably r e d u c e d — a b o u t fifteen o f us , i n each o f t h e t h r ee camps . T h e sadness was pa lpable a n d e n v e l o p e d us l ike t h e dark. W e w o u l d n o t see o u r fr iends for a l o n g t i m e . F r o m n o w o n , t ravel l ing w o u l d n o t on ly b e m o r e p h y s i ­cally d e m a n d i n g , it w o u l d b e lone l i e r as wel l . W i t h so few p e o p l e , t h e w o r k increased threefold . T h e m o s t sleep t h e shepherds c o u l d h o p e for was t h r e e h o u r s a n igh t , s o m e t i m e s less. T h e lit t le boys w o r k e d l ike m e n a n d c a m e in at n i g h t w i t h g rey faces. As for P h a g u , s o m e t i m e s I d o n ' t t h i n k h e slept at all.

N a k k i , Jaivi , P a r m a a n d I w e n t t o d o s o m e s h o p p i n g . ( N o o n e even t h o u g h t o f w a l k i n g any more . ) L ike a m u l t i t u d e o f o t h e r little I n d i a n villages, a l ine o f shops o p e n e d to a d i r t street, a t ree a n d a wel l at o n e e n d ( w h e r e w e w a s h e d o u r feet), n o t h i n g n e s s at t h e o the r . T h e local s c h o o l t e a c h e r was no t i f i ed o f m y p resence . H e inv i t ed us i n t o his h o u s e w h e r e w e sat in t h e c o o l o f his c o u r t y a r d — t h e w o m e n in the i r b lack robes s i t t ing in a s e m i ­circle, backs straight , consc ious o f t he i r d i s t inc t ion a n d style. I t h o u g h t h o w sad I w o u l d b e t o leave t h e m .

T h e t e ache r said, ' T h e s e are p o o r p e o p l e b u t g o o d p e o p l e .

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T h e y d o n ' t a n g r y a n y o n e . T h e oldest p e o p l e in India . Y o u m u s t d o s o m e t h i n g for t h e m . '

N a k k i a n d t h e o the r s p r e e n e d themselves u n d e r his praise. 'Yes,' t h e y agreed , ' w e are l iberal p e o p l e . W e d o n o t j u d g e o the r s b u t let e v e r y o n e be. ' T h e y strove to l o o k long-suf fe r ing , as bef i t ted d o w n ­t r o d d e n masses, b u t it d idn ' t w o r k . T h e t w i t c h o f R a b a r i c h e e k b r o k e t h r o u g h , qu i t e spoi l ing t he i r act .

T h e t e a c h e r gave t h e m gra in , saying, ' M o t h e r Teresa gives. I t o o give.'

I asked h i m if h e was a Chr i s t i an . ' N o , M a d a m . I a m a n Indian . ' H e h a n d e d t h e w o m e n t e n

r u p e e s each , w h i c h t h e y grac ious ly accep ted , Nakk i ' s eyes l u m i ­n o u s w i t h g reed . T h e n t h e w o m e n o f t h e h o u s e b r o u g h t tea. Days l ike this d idn ' t h a p p e n of ten to t h e R a b a r i .

O u t i n t h e street N a k k i said ser iously, ' H e was a g o o d man . ' B u t e v e r y o n e e r u p t e d i n t o giggles a n d b o l t e d d o w n t h e street as free o f de fe rence as t h e w i n d . B a c k at t h e d a n g , w h e n t h e s to ry was to ld , P h a g u l a u g h e d , p u t his a r m a r o u n d m y shou lde r s a n d said, 'You can stay w i t h us for five years if y o u want . '

T h e n e x t day I h o p p e d o n R a m R a h i m for t h e first t i m e since leav ing B h u j a n d p a c e d h i m to t h e field w h e r e I k n e w P h a g u was s i t t ing w i t h s o m e local Patels. I t h i n k it t i ck led h i m , see ing m e s p e e d i n g a long . ' S h e is w i t h us, ' h e said g r i n n i n g t o t h e fa rmers w h o s e eyes w i d e n e d at t h e sight. I d i s m o u n t e d a n d w e w a l k e d t o g e t h e r t o t h e o t h e r e n d o f a field t o t ie R a m R a h i m t o a t ree h e c o u l d eat. It was t h e n I to ld P h a g u tha t I w o u l d , after all, b e leav ing t h e m a n d h a d d e c i d e d to w a l k b a c k t o J o d h p u r . W e sat t o g e t h e r for a w h i l e . H e said tha t t h e y w o u l d miss m e b u t I t h i n k h e p r o b a b l y m e a n t t h e j e e p . I w o u l d so l ike to have b e e n able t o say, 'You are a m o s t r emarkab l e man . '

I h a d fr iends a r r i v ing f rom Austral ia for C h r i s t m a s . W e w o u l d have a c o u p l e o f w e e k s ' ho l iday t o g e t h e r at Na rend ra ' s h o u s e in t h e Himalayas , d u r i n g w h i c h , I felt sure, m y o ld self w o u l d b e re ins ta ted a n d m y e n e r g y r e t u r n e d . I w o u l d have M o m a l , S u m a l a n d C h u t r a R a m R a i k a sent he re . C h u t r a c o u l d scou t a r o u n d for any dangs travell ing in t h e d i r ec t i on o f J o d h p u r a n d w h e n I r e ­t u r n e d w e w o u l d set off t oge the r .

I t o ld myse l f tha t I r e sen ted h a v i n g t o fulfil m y obl igat ions in

i Si

this way . B u t w e r e n ' t the re , in this n e w plan , shreds o f d reams h a n g i n g a r o u n d l ike t a t t e red p rayer flags m o n t h s after t h e c r e m a ­t ion? A n d tha t o ld sunset a n d d u n e p ic tu re , w h i c h I h a d t h o u g h t l o n g lost, was still t h e r e — b l o t c h e d , faded a n d cu r l ing at t h e edges , b u t r o m a n t i c still. I n m y i m a g i n a t i o n I saw a c o u n t r y road w i n d ­i n g t h r o u g h g ran i t e hills o r t h r e a d i n g t h e sides o f d u n e s . H e r e a n d the re , p e o p l e o n bicycles o r b u l l o c k carts c a m e a long , p a y i n g lit t le a t t e n t i o n t o t h e R a i k a , t h e w o m a n a n d t h e t h r ee camels . W i t h this i m a g e w e n t a sense o f i n n e r f r eedom, a k i n d o f expansiveness in t h e ches t as i f a t igh t b a n d h a d b e e n l o o s e n e d . I w o u l d b e able t o ' see ' at last w h a t was a r o u n d m e , able t o engage w i t h it. I w o u l d b e a l lowed ' i n ' . I w o u l d find s o m e w a y o f c a m o u f l a g i n g mysel f — w e a r i n g a b lack w i g o r a M u s l i m bu rqa .

T h e r e was a d e e p e r m o t i v e for t h e p r o l o n g i n g o f self-p u n i s h m e n t : t h e ques t for m e a n i n g , o f w h i c h , so far, this c u r i o u s j o u r n e y h a d r e m a i n e d vo id .

C h u t r a a r r ived w i t h t h e camels a n d an i n d e x f inger t h e size o f a c a n t e l o u p — snake b i t e . H e unrave l led t h e d i r ty w h i t e b a n d a g e to s h o w w h a t l o o k e d l ike g a n g r e n e to m e . H a d h e seen a d o c t o r ? O n c e , w e e k s ago, b u t h e h a d r u n o u t o f m e d i c i n e . H e h a d h o w ­ever p e r f o r m e d t h e a p p r o p r i a t e puja. W e u n l o a d e d M o m a l a n d S u m a l n e a r G o n d a l . It w o u l d n o t d o t o take t h e m t o t h e d a n g as t hey w e r e females a n d t h e d a n g camels w e r e bulls . W e f o u n d a f a r m o n w h i c h t o leave t h e m , t h e n h e a d e d off for t h e dang . C h u t r a , natural ly , boas t ed all a f t e r n o o n a n d t rea ted m y K u t c h i fr iends w i t h bare ly c o n c e a l e d disdain. I sent h i m b a c k t o t h e Pate l f a r m w i t h his snake b i t e a n d his e labora te compla in t s . P h a g u ' s lips m o v e d , j u s t t h e m e r e s t h i n t o f a t w i t c h , a n d h e gave m e a l o o k . O h , t hose e l o q u e n t looks , so d i sce rn ing , so r i c h w i t h m e a n i n g . H o w I w o u l d miss t h e m . If l ooks can b e read, t h e n P h a g u ' s w e r e G o g o l a n d S t e r n e . A n d Chu t r a ' s w e r e Reader's Digest.

O n m y last e v e n i n g o n t h e d a n g , t h e Be r l i n Wal l o f l anguage col lapsed a n d I h a d m y first m o r e o r less fluent conver sa t ion . Phagu ' s s o n w a n t e d to b e m y driver .

' B u t I a l ready have a d r iver a n d anyway y o u can ' t drive. ' 'You can t each me . ' ' B u t w h y d o y o u w a n t t o leave y o u r profession? Is it t h e

m o n e y ? ' It was n o t t h e m o n e y .

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'Wel l t h e n , is it t h e difficulty a n d d a n g e r o f t h e w o r k ? ' N o , h e d id n o t m i n d h a r d w o r k .

' I t is t h e cons t an t fights a n d t roub le . T h e r e is n o p e a c e for us , n i g h t o r day. O n c e w e w e r e l ike k ings . N o w w e are t rea ted l ike dogs. '

I n t h e m o r n i n g t h e w o m e n c a m e to say g o o d b y e c a r r y i n g c e r e ­m o n i a l p o t s o n t he i r heads a n d s inging . I was close to tears . T h e y teased m e o f course . T h e y are t h e m o s t u n s e n t i m e n t a l o f p e o p l e . All m o r n i n g P h a g u h a d b e e n l ead ing m e a r o u n d b y t h e h a n d . H e w a n t e d t o b u y R a m R a h i m (at a g o o d p r i c e , natural ly) b u t I m a n a g e d t o refuse. T h e y w a n t e d to ex t rac t as m u c h as t h e y c o u l d f rom t h e o ld m i l k i n g c o w before she left, b u t it was also t r u e tha t the i r fondness was g e n u i n e . After all, h a d n ' t I p r o v i d e d t h e m w i t h s o m e g o o d laughs? A vehicle? M o n e y ? A n d wasn ' t I, in t h e e n d , a lmos t as t o u g h as they? T h e y e l l o w - e y e d dog , w h o h a d t aken such a sh ine to m e h e h a d e n d e d u p s leep ing in m y t en t , c a m e t o say g o o d b y e , g iv ing m e t w o p e r f u n c t o r y tail wags a n d even a l low­i n g m e to t o u c h his h e a d . P h a g u said, 'Take t h e d o g a n d leave us t h e taxi. '

T h e n t h e r e w e r e h u g s all r o u n d , clasped hands a n d m o r e h u g s . I d rove away t o t h e s o u n d o f s ing ing .

I have n e v e r d o n e a n y t h i n g in m y life as d e m a n d i n g as t ravel l ing w i t h t h e R a b a r i . B u t I c o u l d g o b a c k t o c o m f o r t a n d secur i ty ; for t h e m this was real life.

M y a d m i r a t i o n for t h e m was b o u n d l e s s a n d w h i l e I h a t e d t h e m s o m e t i m e s , I n e v e r disl iked t h e m . T h e y e n d u r e d e v e r y t h i n g w i t h ­o u t c o m p l a i n t , s ing ing themse lves d r u n k at n i g h t o r w a l k i n g t w e n t y ext ra miles t o a t e m p l e in o r d e r t o t h a n k t h e gods for life. I n e v e r saw any o n e p e r f o r m an act o f c rue l ty . A n d the re was noth­ing servile a b o u t t h e m . T h e y asked for n e i t h e r cha r i ty n o r an easy life, on ly t h e same k inds o f s u p p o r t tha t o t h e r Indians a u t o ­mat ica l ly rece ived a n d a r e c o g n i t i o n o f t h e value o f t he i r exper t i se . As D r R a m a K r i s h n a said, ' T h e g o v e r n m e n t gives c o m p e n s a t i o n for all k inds o f animals lost d u r i n g d r o u g h t o r f lood b u t n o t for sheep a n d goats . W e have t r i e d to exp la in to t h e g o v e r n m e n t tha t b y m o v i n g , t h e R a b a r i are re l iev ing it o f a b u r d e n . B u t n o o n e listens. '

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I d o n o t w i s h to glorify t h e m . T h e y are as capable o f u n d e r h a n d ¬ edness as a n y o n e in the i r ques t for survival; t hey are of ten t h e b a n e o f peasants t r y i n g t o p r o t e c t m e a g r e resources ; a n d the i r herds a n d flocks d o u n t o l d d a m a g e . B u t n o m o r e so t h a n t h e p l o u g h s a n d po i sons o f t h e fa rmers a n d n o t as m u c h as t h e venal i ty o f t h e p e o p l e w h o exp lo i t t h e m . Perhaps in a p lace as despera te as India , it is absurd to single o u t o n e g r o u p for b e t t e r t r e a t m e n t . Yet s o m e ­t h i n g invaluable wi l l b e lost if t he i r m i g r a t i o n s cease. B e c a u s e i t is t h e fact o f t h e i r m o b i l i t y w h i c h s t r eng thens t h e quali t ies w h i c h so dis t inguish t h e m — to le rance , wi l iness , i n d e p e n d e n c e , c o u r a g e , w i t .

S o m e t i m e s , w h e n it was par t icu lar ly h a r d for m e , t hey w o u l d pause in the i r w o r k t o smile, k n o w i n g l y a n d k ind ly , o r t o w h i s p e r i n t o t h e darkness , ' G o to sleep, R a t t i b e n ' o r t o call, ' H o , R a t t i . C o m e d r i n k tea ' , w o r d s w i t h w h i c h t h e y m i g h t convey an a m b i g u ­ous a n d difficult affection. It was at t hose m o m e n t s tha t t h e s h a d o w o f s o m e t h i n g inf ini te ly r e m o t e t o u c h e d us, fleetingly u n i t ­i n g m e w i t h t h e m f rom across t h e abyss so tha t I t o o c o u l d h e a r t h e faint e c h o f rom o u r c o m m o n , i m m e a s u r a b l y dis tant past: ' I t is all r i gh t . W e are all he r e . T h e r e is n o such t h i n g as alone. '

P A R T T H R E E

Eternal Return

15

I s t o o d o n t h e r i m o f t h e Lit t le R a n n o f K u t c h , t h e smaller o f t w o expanses o f sand, m u d a n d salt, t h o u s a n d s o f mi les square . D u r i n g t h e annua l n o r t h - w e s t m o n s o o n t h e y are i n u n d a t e d by floods f rom t h e Aravalli R a n g e s in t h e east a n d t ides f rom t h e A r a b i a n o c e a n i n t h e wes t , t h u s d e t a c h i n g K u t c h f rom t h e rest o f India d u r i n g t h e w e t , a n d p r o v i d i n g a lo t o f n o t h i n g n e s s b e t w e e n K u t c h a n d t h e rest o f Ind ia in t h e d ry . T h e L i t d e R a n n o f K u t c h lies b e l o w a n d to t h e east o f its b i g sister; t h e Grea t R a n n is t r ansec ted b y t h e Pakis tan b o r d e r , w h i c h m e a n s tha t it is i m p o s s ­ible t o ge t a p e r m i t t o g o the re . T h e s e days o n l y smuggle r s a n d t h e B o r d e r Secu r i ty Forces travel across it, w h i c h seems a was te o f s o m e sp lend id g e o g r a p h y . T h e m o s t exc i t ing t h i n g a b o u t b o t h t h e R a n n s — apar t f rom m i n i a t u r e forests o f crystal l ine salt, p o i s o n -b l u e a n d j a d e - g r e e n b r i n e h e l d in cut-glass p o n d s , herds o f w h i t e asses a n d c louds m a d e o f flamingo w i n g s — is tha t t hey are e m p t y .

S t r e t ch ing f rom t h e shore t o t h e h o r i z o n lay b r o w n , w h i t e a n d b l u e empt iness . S o m e w h e r e ins ide m y chest , a sail was unfur l ing . M y face, I k n o w , w o r e t h e h u n g r y l o o k c o m m o n to p e o p l e w h o f ind in earth 's vacan t places t h e p r i m e v a l ga rden . I g l anced at C h u t r a . H e w o r e t h e l o o k o f a m a n c o n d e m n e d b y t h e capr ice o f a luna t i c w h o , tha t b e i n g t h e u p s i d e - d o w n w a y o f th ings , was his boss .

'K i t na sundar, ' I said, s q u a r i n g m y shou lde r s a n d t ak ing a d e e p b r e a t h in such a way as t o ind ica te tha t on ly p e o p l e o f h e i g h t e n e d sensibil i ty w o u l d r e c o g n i z e t h e loveliness i n w h a t lay before us , as flat a n d b l ank as earth 's e n d . C h u t r a p e e r e d i n t o it, sc ra tched b e ­n e a t h his t u r b a n a n d said, 'The re ' s n o t h i n g there . '

A c c o r d i n g to m y m a p , w h i c h was a r o u g h - d r a w n t h i n g e igh t

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i nches square p u r c h a s e d f rom t h e local p a n wal lah , it was less t h a n t w e n t y miles across this sl im sec t ion o f t h e R a n n . N o n e e d to take a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n water , a c o u p l e o f ro t i a n d a few o ranges . E v e r y t h i n g else was l o a d e d in t h e j e e p w h i c h w o u l d cross t h e R a n n b y t h e m o r e c o n v e n t i o n a l m e t h o d — a b r i d g e .

O u r in te l l igence repor t s va r i ed . 1. Yes, t h e r e was q u i t e a g o o d t r ack across t h e R a n n a n d

it was as easy to find as t h e m a p said it was . ( T h e r e w e r e several d o t t e d l ines l ike r u n n i n g s t i tch w h i c h t h e l e g e n d d e sc r i b ed as footpaths.)

2. T h e r e was n o t rack a n d n e v e r h a d b e e n a n d w e m i g h t n e v e r b e seen again if w e d idn ' t use t h e perfect ly g o o d b r i d g e w h i c h h a d b e e n bu i l t so tha t p e o p l e c o u l d cross t h e R a n n w i t h o u t d y i n g o f hea t e x h a u s t i o n .

3 . T h e r e was n o t rack exact ly b u t sheep a n d shepherds crossed every n o w a n d t h e n , s o m e recen t ly , so t he re s h o u l d b e n o p r o b l e m for us .

T h e m a p c o n t a i n e d a squiggle in t h e cen t r e o f t h e R a n n , w h i c h was p robab ly h i g h e r g r o u n d . In t h e m i d d l e o f t h e squiggle , x m a r k e d a wel l . As w e w e r e h e a d i n g d u e n o r t h , w e w o u l d r e m a i n to t h e r igh t , o r east, o f tha t squiggle .

N a t u r a l l y I w a n t e d t o g o a lone a n d m i g h t have insis ted u p o n it h a d I on ly m y dear li t t le R a m R a h i m t o hand le , w h o was so g o o d a n d pa t i en t , un l ike t h e t w o maha ran i s w h o , d u r i n g o u r t w o - d a y w a l k h e r e f rom t h e d a n g , h a d sh ied at every t r u c k o r b u s c o m i n g u p b e h i n d t h e m . R i c k s h a w s a n d cars t h e y t rea ted w i t h t o l e r an t disregard, b u t t r ucks a n d buses m a d e t h e o n e t ry t o leap o n t o p o f t h e o t h e r o r c rawl all over t h e p e r s o n l ead ing her . I n a p o i n t e d sor t o f way I h a d n o t r e m a r k e d u p o n the i r b e h a v i o u r t o C h u t r a . R a m R a h i m h a d n o t shied.

E v e r y o n e t h o u g h t tha t m y crossing t h e R a n n b y c a m e l was a m o s t pecu l i a r idea. B u t g o i n g a lone was a k i n d o f s u b c o n t i n e n t a l heresy: ' B u t there 's n o villages, n o p e o p l e ! '

'Exact ly, ' I w o u l d say a n d feel t h e sail ruffle. A t last, s o m e m o ­m e n t s w h e n I c o u l d b e as close to a l o n e as it's possible i n this c o u n t r y - t ha t is, a lone w i t h s o m e o n e else. I was n o t g o i n g t o pass u p this shard o f p leasure , w e d g e d , as it was , b e t w e e n t h e p u n i s h ­m e n t s o f t h e p r ev ious yea r a n d t h e difficulties w h i c h , I k n e w , still

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lay ahead . So far I h a d p r i o r i t i z e d e v e r y o n e a n d e v e r y t h i n g before myse l f - t h e magaz ine , Di l ip , t h e n o m a d s , t h e p e o p l e w h o w o r k e d for m e o r w h o offered t he i r he lp . N o w I was g o i n g t o t e m p e r m y spiri t in t h e fiery wastes a n d if C h u t r a d idn ' t l ike it — w i t h his s n a k e - b i t t e n f inger for w h i c h I still h a d n o t forg iven h i m , a n d u p o n w h i c h w e h a d was t ed m u c h t i m e h u n t i n g d o w n d o c t o r s a n d pharmac i s t s , a n d w h i c h I h a d t o c lean, dress a n d b a n d a g e for h i m t h r i c e a day, a n d because o f w h i c h h e was useless at l o a d i n g t h e camels — h e c o u l d w o r k for s o m e o n e else. M y o w n little m e d i c a l p r o b l e m s - t w o small, s u p p u r a t i n g ho les i n t h e ank le a n d t h e miss ing p e r i o d s — w e r e t o o insignif icant t o t h i n k a b o u t .

O n t h e fo l lowing m o r n i n g I was t h e first t o rise. A n unusua l even t w h i c h cost m e dea r b u t it m a d e t h e p o i n t t o C h u t r a as t o w h o was t h e leader a r o u n d he r e . I was a n x i o u s t o h e a d off i n t h e c o o l o f t h e day b u t C h u t r a d a w d l e d infur ia t ingly . I h a d asked h i m t o c h e c k o u t t h e r o u t e t h e p r ev ious n i g h t b u t w h e n w e finally go t g o i n g a n d w e r e u n a b l e t o f ind t h e t rack , i t was clear h e h a d n o t d o n e so. It was easier for m e to d o th ings myse l f t h a n de lega te t o C h u t r a . Yet, if I d id so, h e was d e e p l y offended. H e was n o t a lazy m a n — far f rom it. B u t h e h a d his o w n w a y o f d o i n g th ings a n d his w a y a n d m i n e w e r e several c en tu r i e s a n d a c o u p l e o f oceans apar t .

A r o u n d t h e r i m o f t h e R a n n w e r e t h e hovels o f t h e sa l tminers . N o t h i n g p r o t e c t e d t h e m f rom t h e c rue l ty o f t ha t i n f e rno o r the i r skin f rom t h e salt w h i c h c u t it l ike cat o ' n i n e tails. T h e air d id n o t m o v e he re . T h e salt m u d s tank a n d t h e ch i ld ren w e r e ju iceless , l ike scraps o f c l o t h c a u g h t o n sticks. T h e y su rp r i sed y o u b y m o v i n g . T h e y w o r k e d all day in t h e m u d ; at n i g h t t h e y slept o n c o m p a c t e d m u d u n d e r hessian l ean - to s . M o s t o f t h e m w e r e b o n d e d l aboure r s . Pay, if it c a m e at all, was a p i t t ance ; w o r k , n e v e r e n d i n g ; h o p e s , n o n e x i s t e n t .

' W h e r e is t h e t rack? ' said C h u t r a t o a sca rec row r o o t e d in m u d . H e w a v e d his a r m listlessly i n t h e d i r ec t ion w e w e r e g o i n g in and , despi te C h u t r a ' s fu r the r volubi l i ty , w o u l d say n o t a w o r d . T h e Lit t le R a n n h a d h u s k e d h i m .

W h e n e v e r w e t r i ed t o h e a d n o r t h , o u r camels b e g a n to slide a r o u n d i n m u d . Even tua l ly w e c a m e across a r o p e o f an ima l tracks d r o p p e d across t h e p a n , its w a v y parallels d i sappea r ing i n t o s h i m ­m e r . T h e g r o u n d u n d e r f o o t was harder , a lmos t d ry . N a t u r a l l y t h e

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shepherds w h o h a d b r o u g h t the i r flocks across m u s t k n o w t h e safest r ou t e . A n d , anyway , t rack o r n o t rack, all w e h a d to d o was h e a d n o r t h a n d w e c o u l d n ' t ve ry wel l he lp b u t b u m p i n t o t h e n o r t h e r n shore . T h e n it was s imply a m a t t e r o f fo l lowing f o o t ­pa ths t o wells a n d villages. H e a v e n s , I 'd d o n e this sor t o f t h i n g h u n d r e d s o f t imes . A n d in inf ini te ly m o r e t r eache rous t e r r a in t h a n this . C h u t r a was b e h a v i n g as if this p i d d l i n g lit t le stroll was a r i d e across Lake C o n s t a n c e a n d h e was m a k i n g m e n e r v o u s .

' D o y o u k n o w in m y c o u n t r y , C h u t r a , y o u can g o for e igh t h u n d r e d mi les w i t h o u t see ing a n o t h e r h u m a n b e i n g o r c o m i n g across any w a t e r ? ' (Actual ly w h a t I said was , ' C h u t r a , m y c o u n t r y in , e igh t h u n d r e d miles in , p e o p l e n o , w a t e r n o , see.')

'Achchha , ' h e said w i t h o u t shift ing his gaze. I let h i m r i d e i n front.

T h e ' r o p e ' w e w e r e fo l lowing unrave l led after a w h i l e i n t o t h r ee p ieces . I a s sumed it w o u l d splice t o g e t h e r fu r the r ahead . W e k e p t t o t h e m i d d l e s trand. S o m e t h i n g slightly less flat t h a n t h e flatness s u r r o u n d i n g it appea red o n t h e h o r i z o n . It w o u l d h o v e r for a m o m e n t , t h e n de l iquesce i n t o t h e flatness again. T h i s c h e e r e d u p C h u t r a so m u c h tha t h e d e c i d e d to talk t o m e . H e re laxed i n t o t h e saddle, t i p p e d his t u r b a n over o n e eye w i t h a st ick and , ha l f t u r n i n g his b o d y towards m e , said, ' M a d a m Sahib came l v e r y fiiiine camel ; C h u t r a came l not fiiiine camel . M a d a m Sahib R a m R a h i m b e a u u u u t i f u l c ame l . M o m a l a n d S u m a l sunda r n a h i n , samajhdhar n a h i n (not beaut i ful , n o t inte l l igent) . ' H e s m i r k e d a n d t u r n e d to t h e front. Sha rp lit t le incisors s h o w e d w h e n h e smi led , m a t c h i n g , i n da in ty repulsiveness, his n a k e d shins.

I r e to r t ed , ' M o m a l a n d S u m a l b e t t e r c ame l is . . . e r . . . are. All p e o p l e this . . . u n d e r s t a n d . . . able. R a m R a h i m n o t beaut i ful b u t m e l ike because . . . h i m n o t c r iminal . '

T h e s e u t t e r ances d id n o t c o m e easily. T h e y w e r e costive, fa t iguing u t t e r ances c o n t a i n i n g pauses d u r i n g w h i c h a h o m u n ¬ culus r an t h r o u g h mi les o f she lv ing in t h e bra in , feverishly sea rch ­i n g for vocabu l a ry a n d g r a m m a t i c a l rules . O f t e n by t h e t i m e this h o m u n c u l u s a r r ived , p a n t i n g , at t h e s p e e c h cen t re , w i t h t h e r e l e ­van t ma te r i a l u n d e r its a r m , t h e desire t o say a n y t h i n g h a d left m e , ki l led off b y futility. A t w h i c h p o i n t t h e h o m u n c u l u s w o u l d t h r o w d o w n its papers a n d t h r e a t e n to s tr ike.

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S o m e h o u r s la ter t h e ' s h o r e ' s e e m e d bare ly closer a n d t h e g r o u n d b e n e a t h us was g e t t i n g sl ipperier . Salt c rus t c racked , revea l ­i n g sque lch b e n e a t h i n t o w h i c h t h e camels ' feet sank, a n d pu l l i ng t h e m u p r e q u i r e d a lo t o f musc l e p o w e r to ba l ance t h e laws o f physics . W e d i s m o u n t e d . N o w t h e r o p e o f an ima l t racks frayed in all d i rec t ions , l eav ing us t o o u r o w n devices a n d at t h e m e r c y o f m u d . If a c a m e l slid a n d fell, it c o u l d easily b r e a k pelvis o r l i m b a n d tha t w o u l d b e t h e e n d o f it. M o m a l a n d S u m a l b e h a v e d l ike ladies w h o h a d j u s t b e e n t h r o w n o u t o f t he i r z inana i n t o a s treet w h i c h t h e y h a d n e v e r be fore h a d t o cross. Ladies w h o h a d f o r g o t ­t e n h o w t o use the i r b o d i e s for a n y t h i n g o t h e r t h a n rec l in ing o n c o u c h e s , h o l d i n g u p m i r r o r s a n d sp read ing spite. I m p e r i o u s , f rac­t ious ladies w h o m i n c e d a long , h o l d i n g u p t he i r saris. To b e fair, R a m R a h i m ' s su re - foo tedness h a d a b i t t o d o w i t h t h e fact tha t his feet h a d b e e n t o u g h e n e d b y t h e s tones o f K u t c h , w h e r e a s t h e pr incesses ' feet h a d t r o d d e n o n l y t h e sands o f J o d h p u r a n d w e r e c o n s e q u e n t l y l ike ba ld tyres . E v e n so, h e s t rugg led o n gallantly, w h i l e t h e pr incesses s n a p p e d at each o t h e r a n d genera l ly let it b e k n o w n tha t , h a d t hey t h o u g h t it was g o i n g t o b e l ike this, t h e y w o u l d n e v e r have c o m e .

A b o u t t w o h o u r s la ter t h e m u d was ca l f -deep a n d each s tep a li t t le mi rac l e o f wi l l . N o t o n l y w e r e m y feet b r u i s e d a n d swol len b y t h e m u d a n d t h e salt, n o t o n l y was I feel ing v e r y n a u s e o u s i n d e e d , n o t o n l y was I e x p e c t i n g t h e fatties i n front t o fall at any m o m e n t b u t , h a v i n g e m p t i e d m y o w n w a t e r c a n t e e n , I f o u n d C h u t r a h a d b r o u g h t o n l y o n e extra , n o t all t h r ee as in s t ruc ted .

' B u t M a d a m Sahib said five hours . ' ' Chutra, I say, said . . . Most important . . . Holding . . . (Shit) . . .

Taking water . . . Everything . . . (I m e a n . . . G o d d a m n it) . . . Water important,five hours not important. . . Not. . . ( O h , n e v e r m i n d ! ) '

N o w , w h e n y o u are o n y o u r o w n in dese r ty places a n d lit t le th ings go w r o n g , y o u m a y feel d read (unreasonab le in m o s t cases because a l t h o u g h y o u m a y get th i rs ty , o r h u n g r y o r sick o r fa t igued, it is un l ike ly tha t y o u wil l die) a n d y o u m a y curse y o u r ­self for b e i n g a fool . H o w e v e r , w a t e r is t h e single m o s t i m p o r t a n t r e source s t and ing b e t w e e n y o u a n d pan ic .

E v e r y n o w a n d t h e n I sat i n t h e shade o f m y camel , h e a d b e t w e e n k n e e s a n d d r y r e t c h e d . A t such t imes I said, b e t w e e n

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spasms, 'I a m absolute ly fine. D o n ' t w o r r y . ' I lay o n m y b a c k so tha t t h e Lit t le R a n n o f K u t c h w o u l d s top w h i r l i n g like a t op . It d idn ' t . C h u t r a sugges ted I r i d e a n d h e w o u l d lead R a m R a h i m . T h i s s e e m e d l ike a g o o d idea un t i l w e g o t m o v i n g . Diabo l i ca l t h o u g h t h e w a l k i n g was , it was b e t t e r t h a n s h i p - o f - t h e - d e s e r t sea­sickness. T h e swel l ing o n t h e h o r i z o n n o w s e e m e d l ike d r y l and i n t h e m i d d l e o f an u n d u l a t i n g o c e a n o f l ight . W e h a d b e e n w a l k i n g for five h o u r s .

C h u t r a said, ' N o r t h side . . .' I d i dn ' t bel ieve h i m , w h i c h was sensible o f m e because it wasn ' t t h e n o r t h e r n side, it was t h e squiggle - an is land o f sand, g ibbers a n d skele tons w h i c h w e r e a c h e d l o n g , l o n g years later a n d w h i c h , I w o r k e d o u t , was a b o u t halfway to o u r des t ina t ion . N i g h t was falling.

A t least w e w e r e o u t o f t h e m u d a n d I h a d s tar ted to feel alive e n o u g h to tackle a d r y rot i . W e t ied u p o u r beasts, sat o n t h e rocks a n d ate. After f o o d a n d a swal low o f w a t e r I felt posi t ively ch i rpy . T h e r e is n o t h i n g l ikelier t o give y o u a posi t ive o u t l o o k o n life t h a n t h e cessat ion o f nausea .

If I was o n m y o w n , I t h o u g h t , I w o u l d b e en joy ing this m o m e n t . T h e p lace was stark ye t in tense ly p resen t . W i l d h o r s e a n d d o n k e y tracks sk i r t ed t h e bases o f red, s e d i m e n t a r y hills. W i n d scuffed u p dus t a n d m o a n e d in t h e sands tone . I l ed o u r li t t le q u i n t e t a l ong a d r i e d wa te r cou r se , o u t t o t h e o t h e r shore , t h e n vee red west , h a v i n g d e c i d e d to avoid as l o n g as possible w h a t e v e r we tness m i g h t lie o n t h e o t h e r side o f this island b y fo l lowing t h e ' b e a c h ' be fore s t r ik ing o u t across t h e 'sea ' . T h i s tact ic h a d t h e a d d e d advan tage o f l i n i n g us u p w i t h t h e village w h e r e t h e j e e p w o u l d b e wa i t i ng . Besides , w e m i g h t b e w i t h i n s t r ik ing dis tance o f t h e wel l , a p lace t o c a m p if necessary . A l t h o u g h t h e m a p h a d g iven wi ld ly i n c o r r e c t dis tances, surely it w o u l d n ' t s h o w a wel l i f t h e r e wasn ' t a we l l s o m e w h e r e in t h e v ic in i ty? B u t it was n o w dark . M o o n l e s s , starless, b o t t o m o f a mine - sha f t dark . All day t h e c louds h a d r e m a i n e d in t h e w i n g s , w a i t i n g for t h e foot l ights t o g o o u t so t h e y c o u l d bus t le o n stage.

Luck i ly I always ca r r i ed a small b u t reliable t o r c h in m y p u r s e a n d this I s h o n e o n t h e g r o u n d a h e a d f rom t i m e to t ime , l o o k i n g for t h e an ima l pads tha t w o u l d lead us in t o t h e wel l . T h e g o i n g n o w was easy, t h e g r o u n d flat a n d h a r d so tha t t h e s o u n d o f c a m e l

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pads , sofdy susur ra t ing , s o o t h e d l ike a lul laby. R a m R a h i m was con f iden t b e n e a t h m e , a s n u g lit t le b o a t o n a b i g sea. So w h a t i f it t o o k us f o u r t e e n h o u r s r a t h e r t h a n seven? So m u c h t h e be t te r .

I f o u n d tracks ahead . A n d b e y o n d that , I t h o u g h t I saw a t w i n k o f l ight . ' C h u t r a , d e k h o ! ' I u r g e d R a m R a h i m fo rward b u t C h u t r a called m e back . H e was ve ry f r igh tened . N e v e r t h e ­less h e fo l lowed m e hes i tan t ly towards tha t l i t t le g l o w in t h e n igh t , w h i c h s e e m e d close, t h e n far away, t h e n d i sappeared a l toge ther .

N o d o u b t a b o u t it - hab i t a t i on . A t iny p l o t o f t i l led ea r th . T h e r e was a c o o k i n g fire a n d bes ide it a t e m p o r a r y dwel l ing . Chu t r a ' s camels w e r e restive, p i c k i n g u p his ne rvousness . 'Ghos t s ! ' h e w a r n e d f r o m b a c k t h e r e in t h e dark . I cal led across a tall t h o r n fence towards t h e shelter . A d o g w e n t be r se rk . A m a n c a m e o u t , l o o k i n g as f r i gh t ened as C h u t r a , w h o n o w o v e r c a m e his d read e n o u g h t o ask for d i rec t ions . A t first t h e m a n s e e m e d re luc tan t t o talk, n o d o u b t fear ing w e w e r e a b o u t t o slit his t h r o a t a n d steal his d inne r , o r spir i t h i m off t o a c e m e t e r y . Even tua l ly h e t o ld us t o h e a d d u e n o r t h f rom he re , past t h e wel l ( just as I h a d p red i c t ed ) , a n d w e w o u l d s o o n see t h e l ights o f t h e vil lage.

So re l ieved was m y u n t h wal lah tha t h e t w i r l e d his pr incesses a r o u n d a n d set t h e m off at a fast pace , s ing ing i n his f o r k - o n - p l a t e falsetto. I fo l lowed, t h i n k i n g this a reckless a n d unneces sa ry s p e e d at such an h o u r b u t u n w i l l i n g t o h u m i l i a t e R a m R a h i m in front o f t h e fatties b y ask ing C h u t r a t o s low d o w n . H e called over his s h o u l d e r tha t i f h e d idn ' t have to s low d o w n for R a m R a h i m , h e c o u l d r each t h e o t h e r side in a n h o u r .

T e n m i n u t e s later, f rom s o m e w h e r e ahead , I h e a r d a li t t le ye lp a n d c a m e l noises . I p u t o n m y t o r c h a n d saw tha t M o m a l h a d r u n s t ra ight i n t o a t h o r n t ree a n d C h u t r a a n d she a n d t h e l ead ropes a n d S u m a l w e r e e n t a n g l e d painfully in it . T h e y gazed i n t o m y t o r c h b e a m like cons c a u g h t i n r azor w i r e . W e h a d c o m e face to face w i t h a forest o f appa ren t ly i m p e n e t r a b l e Prosopis juliflora a n d w i t h t h e d i scovery tha t M o m a l a n d S u m a l w e r e n i g h t - b l i n d . I gave R a m R a h i m his head . H e p i c k e d his w a y in o n e d i r ec t ion , t u r n e d , p i c k e d his w a y carefully in t h e o the r , un t i l h e f o u n d a w a y t h r o u g h t h e ba r r i e r . A p p a r e n t l y h e c o u l d see as we l l at n i g h t as h e c o u l d b y day, t h u s s c o r i n g p o i n t s for m o n g r e l s a n d t o u c h é i n g t h e

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u n t h wal lah w h o said crusti ly, ' K e e p R a m R a h i m in front. H e can ' t k e e p u p w i t h my camels. '

It b e g a n to ra in . S o m e t i m e s I c r i ed . I c r i e d w h e n at last I saw t h e l ights a n d real ized tha t w e w o u l d n o t r each t h e m by 2 a .m. I h a d g iven myse l f tha t l imi t , 2 a .m. I h a d said t o myself, I can m a k e it t o 2 a .m. b u t I c a n n o t m a k e it t o 2.05 a .m. I c o u l d n o t ge t off R a m R a h i m b u t t o stay o n was t o r t u r e . M y feet t h r o b b e d . T h e t e n d o n s in m y g r o i n p a i n e d all t h e w a y to t h e k n e e s in o n e d i r ec t ion a n d t o t h e t e e t h in t h e o the r . W e a r r ived at a p p r o x i ­m a t e l y t h r e e - t h i r t y . W e w e r e w e t a n d co ld a n d stiff, a n d t h e Pro-sopis juliflora h a d n o t b e e n k i n d to us . R i d i n g i n t o tha t silent med ieva l vil lage in t h e m i d d l e o f t h e n i g h t r ema ins , i n m e m o r y , o n e o f t h e m o s t re l ig ious e x p e r i e n c e s o f m y life. W o u l d t he re b e r o o m at t h e inn?

W e saw t h e j e e p a n d w o k e a ve ry w o r r i e d driver . W e c o u c h e d t h e camels a n d go t off. T h e ve r t eb rae i n m y n e c k h a d fused a n d m y feet w e r e app rox ima te ly t w i c e the i r n o r m a l size. C h u t r a w a l k e d l ike P i n o c c h i o . W e w a t e r e d t h e camels . W e led t h e camels t o o u r h o t e l — an o p e n air c e m e n t k i t c h e n w i t h a r o o m at t h e back . W e fed t h e camels . I saw to C h u t r a ' s s leeping a r r a n g e m e n t s , t h e n col lapsed in t h e r o o m at t h e b a c k o n a filthy c h a r p o i . I lay awake for a w h i l e , l i s ten ing t o t h e o w n e r o f this es tab l i shment — a fat m a n w i t h fat go ld r ings o n fat f ingers, a n d go ld meda l l ions o n his v o l u p t u o u s breast — b e a t i n g his t w e l v e - y e a r - o l d servant w i t h a stick. T h e b o y e n d e d u p w h i m p e r i n g o n a m a t i n t h e c o r n e r o f m y r o o m , for all t h e w o r l d l ike o n e o f t h e c r i n g i n g , diseased, v a n q u i s h e d p a r i a h dogs tha t p r o w l t h e village lanes. A n h o u r a n d a hal f la ter I was a w a k e n e d b y a t r u c k s t o p p i n g at t h e front o f t h e ho te l . F r o m its cab in c a m e H i n d i filmi m u s i c s c reech ing at e n o u g h v o l u m e to w a k e t h e dead t h e n kill t h e m again. I w e n t t o t h e w i n d o w a n d s h o u t e d , ' T u r n tha t fuck ing t h i n g off!' S i lence . I h a d n e v e r i n m y w h o l e life ye l led at a n y o n e to t u r n a n y t h i n g off. I d o u b t if I h a d ever even asked a n y o n e pol i te ly t o t u r n a n y t h i n g off. I w e n t b a c k t o t h e c h a r p o i . I ha t e India , I t h o u g h t a n d fell asleep.

A t n i n e o ' c l o c k a n angel t r ansubs tan t i a ted at t h e s ide o f m y b e d . I o p e n e d o n e eye a n d t o o k t h e tea it offered. It was g r i n n i n g . It was Ko ju .

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A n d so, o n a w i n t e r e v e n i n g a f ew days before C h r i s t m a s , after t w o days o f d r iv ing , a n d b u r d e n e d w i t h d e f o r m e d feet, fever a n d a sou r soul , I a r r ived at last at Na rend ra ' s j h u m p a , ins ide his aura o f succour , t o await t h e arr ival o f m y fr iends a n d to consu l t a doc to r . C h u t r a , I h a d left b e h i n d w i t h ins t ruc t ions , an address w h e r e h e s h o u l d wai t , a n d t h r ee camels . I w o u l d r e t u r n to h i m ins ide a m o n t h and , w i t h t h e camels , w e w o u l d w a l k b a c k h e r e t o J o d h p u r a n d l iber ty . All h e h a d to d o was i n q u i r e o f local p e o p l e as t o w h e r e t h e R a b a r i dangs w e r e .

N a r e n d r a o p e n e d t h e j e e p d o o r a n d h a n d e d m e a glass o f I n d i a n c h a m p a g n e . T h e servants p o p p e d heads o u t o f w i n d o w s , w a v e d sur rep t i t ious ly , t h e n r e t u r n e d t o t h e feast p repa ra t ions . B e h i n d t h e j h u m p a , firelight was b o u n c i n g off rushes a n d t h a t c h ­ing . T h e r e was t h e smell o f frost falling a n d s a n d a l w o o d b u r n i n g . I h a n d e d N a r e n d r a his g u d i o a n d h o b b l e d t h r o u g h t h e h o u s e o u t t o t h e fireside. M o r n a t s t o o d smi l ing in his g rey gypsy coa t a n d traveller's t rousers , his h a n d at his chest , t h e o t h e r h o l d i n g b y a sho r t cha in t h e m o s t beaut i fu l d o g I h a d ever seen. It was a Lur ia , a Jogi 's h u n t i n g dog , w h i c h M o r n a t ' s ances tors h a d b r e d before t h e r e was h i s to ry , w h i c h h a d travelled w i t h t h e gypsies t h r o u g h Asia a n d E u r o p e , s p a w n i n g lu rchers a n d w h i p p e t s a n d g r e y h o u n d s b u t r e m a i n i n g sturdier , silkier, m o r e w i l d in t h e spiri t . T h e Jogis n e v e r gave away the i r dogs , w i t h w h o m t h e y fiercely ident i f ied themse lves . B u t M o r n a t h a d b e e n prevai led u p o n , j u s t this o n c e , t o sell o n e to N a r e n d r a t o give t o M e m s a h i b as a C h r i s t m a s presen t . H i s n a m e was Se ru (lion) b u t I d e c i d e d to call h i m Zal i , w h i c h m e a n s s o m e t h i n g like c o n m a n o r v a g a b o n d . I offered t h e d o g m y h a n d . H e h e l d u p his paw, k e p t his h e a d d o w n like a r e i n e d - i n stal l ion a n d l o o k e d u p at m e .

'Za l i , wi l l y o u b e m y dog? ' W e s h o o k h a n d s o n t h e deal . M y legs w e r e p r o p p e d o n a s tool . T h e feet at t h e e n d o f t h e m

l o o k e d as if t h e y b e l o n g e d t o s o m e o n e w h o h a d spen t t h e last few w e e k s o n t h e b o t t o m o f t h e T h a m e s . T h e left o n e was puffy; t h e r igh t , e l e p h a n t i n e . S e r u m f lowed f r o m t h e t w o o m i n o u s ho les i n t h e ankle . I d id n o t care w h a t was w r o n g w i t h tha t ankle , as l o n g as w h a t was w r o n g w i t h it wasn ' t G u i n e a w o r m .

'You have at least o n e ba lan ( G u i n e a w o r m ) , possibly two, ' p r o ­n o u n c e d R a n a K h a n t h e n e x t day. ' T h e w o r m is cu r l ed u p in t h e

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boi l a n d s o o n it wi l l w a n t t o c o m e o u t . I t exists i n m a n y segmen t s , so tha t it wi l l b e necessary to g o to a special ba lan wal lah w h o wi l l ex t rac t all o f t h e s egmen t s so tha t r e in fec t ion wi l l n o t occu r . I k n o w a g o o d ba lan wal lah in Jaisalmer, b u t n o d o u b t w e can f ind o n e h e r e in J o d h p u r t o o . D o not , ' h e c o n t i n u e d , ' g o t o a n o r d i n a r y w e s t e r n - t y p e d o c t o r . H e ' l l mess it u p . T h e s e desh i fellows k n o w the i r j o b . ' H e w e n t o n t o say tha t c o b r a skin g r o u n d u p i n j a g g e r y was a fine cu re — a n d t h e r e j u s t h a p p e n e d t o b e a c o u p l e o f b i g b lack cobras l iv ing a r o u n d t h e j h u m p a , b u t I c o u l d n ' t see N a r e n ­dra a l l owing t o have t h e m ki l led — a n d tha t a ce r t a in l izard, fairly rare, if g r o u n d u p a n d m a d e i n t o a pou l t i ce , was g u a r a n t e e d t o suck o u t t h e m o s t s t u b b o r n o f G u i n e a w o r m s . M o r n a t was c o n ­sul ted. D i d h e k n o w o f this lizard? Yes, h e d id . C o u l d h e find one? Yes, b u t h e w o u l d have t o g o n o r t h o f J o d h p u r t o t h e area a r o u n d Koju 's vil lage.

I n t h e m e a n t i m e R a n a K h a n t i ed a b lack t h r e a d a r o u n d m y ank le a n d p rayed t o M a h a r a j a h Gi rda S ingh o f Ja i sa lmer ( long dead) w h i c h , h e assured m e , was a n o t h e r effective r e m e d y for w o r m - i n f e s t a t i o n . R a n a K h a n a n d his mus ic ians h a d c o m e t o s ing M a r w a r i deser t songs for us a r o u n d t h e ou t s ide fire. N a r e n d r a a n d R a n a w e r e o ld fr iends; N a r e n d r a ac t ing t h e t rad i t iona l ro le o f p a t r o n a n d t h e r a t h e r m o r e m o d e r n o n e o f t r y i n g t o p r o m o t e this m u s i c ou t s ide t h e b o r d e r s o f Ra jas than . I n this h e h a d h a d s o m e success a n d these days R a n a of ten p layed in t h e b i g capitals be fo re aud iences o f t h o u s a n d s .

Y o u s imply c o u l d n o t b e w i t h R a n a K h a n a n d feel miserable . M u s i c h a d c leansed h i m as a r iver cleans a g o r g e t h r o u g h w h i c h it t u m b l e s . E v e r y sweetness , sadness, foolishness, w i c k e d n e s s a n d w i s d o m tha t m a n h a d ever t h o u g h t t o r e c o r d in ballads h a d flowed t h r o u g h h i m . H e k n e w h u n d r e d s o f ragas b y hea r t , de l ivered t h e m w i t h his eyes fixed o n y o u r face, his free h a n d lifted t o w a r d y o u in en t rea ty , his b u c k t e e t h a n d rogue 's features t r a n s f o r m e d i n t o t h e face o f love o r o f suffering o r o f saintliness. F u n n y songs , wise songs , r o m a n t i c songs, epic songs, re l ig ious songs , H i n d u songs , M u s l i m songs, Sufi love songs dense w i t h m e a n i n g s . W h e n t h e y p layed, t h e mus ic ians a n d s e c o n d a r y s ingers s e e m e d l i n k e d u p w i t h R a n a K h a n l ike nerves t o a b ra in . If R a n a b e c a m e t h e e m b o d ­i m e n t o f grief, t h e mus ic ians t o o s e e m e d bare ly able t o restrain

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t he i r tears . ( R a n a c o u l d m a k e h imse l f sob at wi l l a n d real tears w o u l d flow.) H i s son , t h e m o s t beaut i ful ch i ld o n t h e face o f t h e ea r th , p layed t h e w o o d e n castanets; a n o t h e r m a n w i t h a vast m o u s ­t a c h e a n d p i a n o - k e y t e e t h p layed a n e m p t y clay p o t ; R a n a p layed h a r m o n i u m ; a n d a w h i t e - b e a r d e d anc ien t , des icca ted b y t o o m a n y n igh ts s awing o n his s a rung i i n t h e d u n e s o f t h e Tha r , r ad ia ted mus ica l in te l l igence w i t h o u t m o v i n g a musc l e in his face.

T h e y all sat a r o u n d t h e fire: a semici rc le o f tu rbans , m o u s t a c h e s , w o o l l e n shawls crafted d e e p in t h e deser t , c u r i o u s i n s t r u m e n t s a n d t ee th . W e l i s tened e n c h a n t e d for h o u r s . N a r e n d r a go t u p f rom t i m e to t i m e to p lace m o n e y o n t h e h a r m o n i u m o r t o s top t h e s ing ing a n d ask a ques t i on , cha l lenge an i n t e r p r e t a t i o n o f a raga o r t o c ry 'va, va ' , at a par t icu lar ly exquis i te i n t e r p r e t a t i o n — all o f w h i c h o n l y increased t h e liveliness o f t h e r end i t i ons , t h e laughter , a r g u m e n t a n d a lcoho l ic h i g h spirits. A t last e v e r y o n e s t u m b l e d away to b e d , l eav ing us t o savour i n s i lence t h e m o o n s h e e n o n b l u e - g r e e n cabbage fields, t h e sleepy b i rd calls, a n d t h e occas ional a n d ever m o r e s w e r v i n g e m e r g e n c e o f M o r n a t f rom t h e darkness , w h e r e h e h a d b e e n t u c k i n g i n t o t h e b o t t l e N a r e n d r a always p r o ­v ided , s t ok ing t h e fire w i t h a f o u r - f o o t - l o n g m e t a l s p o o n , s h o o t ­i n g u p sparks t o t h e heavens a n d ref lect ing l ight u p o n a g o l d e n d o g w i t h g o l d e n eyes w h o sat, paws crossed, c o n s i d e r i n g t h e firelight.

H e r e , w i t h i n a w o r l d c o n s t r u c t e d b y t h e i m a g i n a t i o n a n d wil l o f an e x c e p t i o n a l p e r s o n , u n d e r stars tha t s e e m e d to sh ine e spec i ­ally for these evenings , tha t o t h e r Ind ia m i g h t n o t exist. H e r e , e v e r y o n e was wel l fed, h a p p y a n d secure . T h e t roub le N a r e n d r a t o o k w i t h all th ings sensual m e a n t tha t t he r e was n o d iscord o r ugliness he r e . All was a b u n d a n c e a n d generos i ty . I h a d n o t c o m e across a n y o n e qu i t e l ike h i m before — t h e s e l f - con t a inmen t , t h e s eeming ly inexhaus t ib le w e l l - s p r i n g o f m a g n a n i m i t y a n d cour t e sy . H o w i ron ic tha t t h e quali t ies o n e m i g h t e x p e c t t o find in a p r i n c e , a n d w h i c h h a d b e e n so l ack ing in t h e ones I h a d m e t so far, s h o u l d find, i n a m a n w h o l o a t h e d royal ty a n d all it s t o o d for, its apo theos i s . As m u c h as h e w o u l d have h a t e d t h e w o r d , I t h o u g h t o f h i m as a t ru ly ' n o b l e ' h u m a n b e i n g .

N o w tha t I k n e w s o m e t h i n g o f his h i s to ry a n d t h e w o r l d h e h a d evolved f rom, k n e w t h e forces r a n g e d against h i m , h a d an

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i nk l i ng i n t o t h e reaches o f his c o u r a g e a n d h o w easy it w o u l d have b e e n for h i m to r e m a i n safe a n d comfor t ab l e , m y p rev ious idea o f h i m s t ruck m e as g ro t e sque , as easy classifications are as s o o n as o n e gets close to a n o t h e r p e r s o n . B u t in Na rend ra ' s case t h e differ­e n c e b e t w e e n o u t w a r d appea rance a n d i n n e r m a n was par t icu lar ly easy t o mi s in t e rp re t . H e was o n e o f t hose p e o p l e w h o m w e o n l y discover t o b e w h a t t h e y really are after w e have c o m e t o k n o w t h e m wel l , a n d h e a l lowed p rec ious few p e o p l e t o k n o w h i m at all. M y a d m i r a t i o n for h i m was in p r o p o r t i o n to t h e effort t ha t h a d b e e n necessary t o discover t h e t r u t h . B u t w h a t m a d e h i m so differ­e n t f rom m o s t p e o p l e I k n e w , n o t j u s t i n Ind ia b u t a n y w h e r e , was his lack o f d e p e n d e n c e u p o n t h e o p i n i o n o f o the r s .

T h e n e x t a f t e r n o o n M o r n a t r e t u r n e d w i t h t w o fat a n d s leepy lizards. T h e y h a d t h e faces o f little o ld ladies w h o habi tua l ly a t t ack p o l i c e m e n . I w o u l d n o t h e a r o f t h e m b e i n g kil led. ' M o r n a t , ' I said w h e n n o o n e c o u l d h e a r m e , ' d o I have a ba lan o r n o t ? ' Q u i e t l y M o r n a t o p i n e d tha t I d id n o t . I gave t h e lizards b a c k t o h i m t o le t g o b u t I have a susp ic ion t h e y e n d e d u p in t h e J o g i c o o k i n g - p o t .

T h e r e was a n o t h e r o p i n i o n as t o m y state o f hea l th f rom a real estate a g e n t in j e a n s a n d T - s h i r t w h o d o u b l e d as a pa lmis t . H e was o n e o f t h e t o r r e n t o f cons t i tuen t s w h o c a m e to t h e j h u m p a t o sit u n d e r t h e shade for a few h o u r s p e t i t i o n i n g N a r e n d r a . H e s c r u t i ­n i z e d m y p a l m a n d t h e n , i n front o f four o r five m e n , asked m e if m y breasts h a d ever b e e n b i t t e n ha rd b y a m a n . P o o r N a r e n d r a h a d to translate. I said tha t I c o u l d n o t r e m e m b e r w h e t h e r such a t h i n g h a d ever o c c u r r e d a n d m a n a g e d to stifle a b lush . H e exp l a ined tha t i f I h a d b e e n so b i t t en , t h e n I w o u l d have h a d difficulty c a r r y i n g ch i ld ren to full t e r m w h i c h w o u l d exp la in t h e fact tha t a l t h o u g h t h e r e w e r e five offspring in sc r ibed o n m y p a l m n o n e exis ted in real life. H e sugges ted I w e a r d i a m o n d s .

T h e ba lan t u r n e d o u t t o b e n o t h i n g m o r e exo t i c t h a n an i n ­fec ted blister. T h e fever fell before a firing squad o f n e w a n t i ­b iot ics a n d tha t o t h e r li t t le m e d i c a l ma t te r , w h i c h I k e p t l o c k e d in a b o x at t h e b a c k o f m y m i n d , w o u l d j u s t have t o wa i t un t i l after m y ho l iday w h e n I h a d t h e e n e r g y to p o n d e r its impl i ca t ions . F o r n o w t h e r e w e r e fr iends, a n d mus ic , a n d food , a n d C h r i s t m a s , a n d s n o w - c a p p e d m o u n t a i n s , a n d Za l i . A n d n o C h u t r a .

T h e h i g h e r t h e a l t i tude, t h e h e a d i e r a n d h a p p i e r o u r little g r o u p b e c a m e . Za l i qu ive red a n d sniffed for l eopards . T h e w e i g h t o f t h e plains d r o p p e d away l ike hau lage falling off t h e b a c k o f a Tata t r uck , ba r re l b y bar re l d o w n t h e ravines . W e p a r k e d t h e car i n a t iny village, l o a d e d p o n i e s a n d after an h o u r a n d a half's wa lk u p t h r o u g h o a k forests c a m e t h e s o u n d , from N a r e n d r a ' s re treat , o f h o t w a t e r b e i n g s loshed i n t o bucke t s , o f c h a m p a g n e corks p o p ­p i n g , o f a l og fire c rack l ing a n d o f R a n a K h a n w e l c o m i n g us w i t h mus ic . Pleasures p i l ed u p t h i c k a n d swee t as snow.

I h a d h o p e d tha t t h r e e w e e k s ' rest i n t h e m i d s t o f g o o d c o m ­p a n y w o u l d re insta te t h e m o r e o r less b a l a n c e d self tha t I r e m e m ­be red . B u t n o . I h a d o n l y t o g l impse at t h e e n d o f a l o n g valley, t h r o u g h t w e n t y r e c e d i n g shades o f b lue , a scrap o f t h e plains c a p p e d w i t h dus t f rom w h i c h w e h a d ascended , a n d I w o u l d set m y eyes resolu te ly in t h e o t h e r d i r ec t ion , towards t h e H i m a l a y a n peaks , as if aver t ing m y gaze f rom s o m e t h i n g t h r e a t e n i n g . A n d w h e n a n y o n e asked m e t o desc r ibe t h e p r ev ious e i g h t e e n m o n t h s , I f o u n d mysel f i n d u l g i n g in s o m e fairly hyster ica l Ind i a -bash ing .

Yet such are t h e en igmas o f h u m a n n a t u r e tha t if I t h o u g h t a n y o n e else a b o u t t o d e n i g r a t e India , I leapt t o its defence . A n d I d id n o t t h i n k o f this b e h a v i o u r at t h e t i m e as s ignal l ing t h e b e g i n ­n ings o f a process o f iden t i f ica t ion because w h e n I c a u g h t a g l impse o f t hose plains, I felt n o t h i n g b u t d read . B u t j u s t as a w o m a n c a n n o t recall t h e specifics o f p a i n d u r i n g ch i ldb i r t h a n d can o n l y say tha t it was exc ruc i a t ing , so I c o u l d n o t r e m e m b e r t h e s ingular sensat ions o f b e i n g d o w n the re , s t rugg l ing a n d suffocating u n d e r t h e m u r k .

I w r o t e u p m y no t e s d e e p i n t o t h e n igh t , f u r r o w i n g pages w i t h

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black unde r l i n ings a n d asterisks. S u c h th ings as: ' Ind ia is a horrible socie ty b u t o f c o u r s e I c a n n o t say this . Ins tead I have t o say h o w marve l lous it is because it c o n t i n u e s ; as i f t h e r e hadn ' t , t h r o u g h o u t tha t c o n t i n u i t y , b e e n m o r a l a n d aes the t ic decay. B e c a u s e o f past glor ies a n d n e v e r m i n d t h e i n g l o r i o u s p resen t . T h e c o r r u p t i o n f r o m t o p to b o t t o m a n d f r o m r i g h t t o left; t h e giants o f t h e I n d e ­p e n d e n c e m o v e m e n t n o w l ike t h e giants o f fairy s tories — a species lost t o t i m e ; t h e p o o r e n d u r i n g because so few are c o n ­c e r n e d w i t h c h a n g i n g t h e c o n d i t i o n s w h i c h t h e y have t o e n d u r e ; t h e s t ruc tu re o f socie ty is l ike a p y r a m i d in w h i c h each level e x ­ploi ts t h e level b e n e a t h it a n d grovels t o t h e level above (and t h e p y r a m i d is bo t tomles s ) . H u g e masses o f p e o p l e are b o r n t o n o p u r p o s e o t h e r t h a n to b e pe rpe tua l l y h u n g r y a n d H i n d u i s m has d e g e n e r a t e d i n t o a n ins t i tu t iona l ized a b n e g a t i o n o f responsibi l i ty t o one ' s fel low man . '

It was a grea t rel ief t o w r i t e these th ings . I'd lived t h e be l i e f tha t j u s t as o n e is u n j u d g i n g towards o t h e r cu l tures , o n e has a d u t y to j u d g e one 's o w n . B u t w h e r e d id cul tura l relativity s top? W h a t mora l i t y c o u l d b e universal ly appl ied? W h e n I felt o u t r a g e was I s imply a c i phe r for cu l tura l p re jud ice? A t w h a t p o i n t w o u l d I b e a l lowed to m o v e f rom t h e ro le o f unc r i t i ca l gues t t o pa r t i c ipan t w i t h a r i gh t t o speak, t h e r i g h t t o express anger?

If o n e sees a m a n , over - fed a n d c r a m m e d w i t h gold , h o l d i n g a c r i n g i n g half -s tarved t w e l v e - y e a r - o l d b y t h e a r m a n d b e a t i n g h i m w i t h a large st ick, t h e n f l inging h i m t o t h e f loor l ike a b u n c h o f rags, t h e n t u r n i n g t o t h e w h i t e gues t a n d smi l ing , obsequ ious ly b u t w i t h o u t s h a m e , because w h a t h e has j u s t d o n e is i n t h e o r d e r o f th ings , is his r i gh t , w h i l e t h e b u n c h o f rags crawls off t o w e e p in t h e c o r n e r o f a c e m e n t r o o m o n his b l anke t o n t h e floor, a n d falls ins tant ly asleep b e c a u s e h e w o r k s for t h e fat m a n t w e n t y h o u r s a day a n d is m a l n o u r i s h e d a n d exhaus t ed . A n d if n o o n e says a w o r d o r m a k e s any m o v e to s top it ( i nc lud ing oneself) because t h e servant be longs t o t h e fat m a n and , anyway , it is t h e child's fate and , anyway , h o w w o u l d one ' s i n t e r v e n t i o n c h a n g e any th ing? T h e n ?

If a h igh ly e d u c a t e d a n d power fu l B r a h m i n b u r e a u c r a t explains t o y o u , ser iously a n d passionately , w h y u n t o u c h a b l e s c a n n o t b e a l lowed i n t o h i g h e r g o v e r n m e n t pos i t ions because ' for cen tu r i e s

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t h e y have h a n d l e d e x c r e m e n t a n d it has e n t e r e d the i r m i n d s ' . T h e n ?

O r t h e wife o f a d ip loma t , w h o a n n o u n c e d to h e r b o o k -b e s o t t e d s i x t e e n - y e a r - o l d n i ece , 'You m u s t m a r r y ra the r t h a n e d u ­cate yourself , because if y o u are e d u c a t e d y o u wil l n o t adjust t o mar r iage . ' T h e n ?

T h e r e h a d b e e n n o t he r apeu t i c yel l ing, n o b u r s t i n g o f t h e laces. A n d o n t h o s e n u m b e r l e s s occas ions w h e n a s t ranger h a d said, ' A n d w h a t d o y o u t h i n k o f o u r g rea t c o u n t r y ? ' , w i t h tha t p a r t i c u ­lar self-satisfaction, as if o n l y a luna t i c w o u l d find in it a n y t h i n g b u t greatness , I h a d n e v e r said, 'Wel l , as a m a t t e r o f fact . . .' b e ­cause I k n e w tha t it was fruitless t o engage i n such a conversa t ion as w h a t was c o n s p i c u o u s to m e was invisible t o h i m a n d v i ce versa.

A t n igh t , t hese toxic scr ibbl ings; b u t i n t h e m o r n i n g w h e n I rose i n t o b r i g h t a lp ine sun , t h e w a r m t h o f f r iends, o f N a r e n d r a , t h e a b u n d a n c e o f breakfast , t h e effervescent air, t h e affection o f K o j u a n d H a n u m a n a n d C h a n d r a w a l l a b a n d B i shan — in shor t , i n t o t h e co m fo r t s o f m y class — I c o u l d gaze d o w n to t h e plains a n d feel o n l y a d m i r a t i o n a n d w o n d e r . Ins tead o f m u t t e r i n g , ' I l o a t h e this coun t ry , ' I w o u l d t h ink , N o , I love it. I love India . E v e r y t h i n g is c o n t a i n e d i n it. B e c a u s e f rom this he igh t , I c o u l d focus o n t h e c r o w d a n d was safe f r o m t h e lives o f t h e individuals w h o c o m p r i s e d it. F r o m this he igh t , t h e w o r d s ' Ind ia wi l l c o n ­t i n u e ' m a d e sense because o n e saw tha t g rea t r iver as a g o d m i g h t , w i t h o u t r i sk ing s u b m e r s i o n , free o f h o p e , a n g e r o r compass ion , w i t h o u t a n y desire t o c h a n g e it.

I n such a state o f m i n d I m i g h t visit Bishan 's p e o p l e d o w n in t h e n e a r b y village a n d e x p e r i e n c e on ly tha t u n i q u e I n d i a n w a r m t h a n d sweetness , h e a r o n l y t h e l aughte r , a n d b e able t o say, as an A m e r i c a n a c q u a i n t a n c e said after a t w o - w e e k ho l iday in Ind ia b y a i r - c o n d i t i o n e d bus , tha t ' t h e p o o r l o o k e d so . . . h a p p y ' a n d b e able, conven ien t ly , t o forget tha t i n this ' h a p p y ' vil lage suic ide is e x t r e m e l y c o m m o n a n d tha t o n l y last m o n t h a w o m a n h a d h a n g e d herse l f in t h e forest. H e r family, t o avoid b e i n g c h a r g e d w i t h m u r d e r , h a d pa id m a n y t h o u s a n d s o f r u p e e s in b r ibes t o t h e po l ice , a n d m a n y t h o u s a n d s o f r u p e e s in b r ibes t o t h e d o c t o r s ign ing t h e d e a t h cert if icate, a n d was n o w ent i re ly

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des t i tu te , t r i p p e d b y o n e twis t o f fate over t h e abyss o f w h i c h every Ind ian , r i c h o r p o o r , is acu te ly aware . In such a state o f m i n d I m i g h t desc r ibe t h e l o o k o n Bishan 's face w h e n h e says, ' T h i s always h a p p e n s . Yes, every t i m e . Kya karen? Yaha B h a r a t h a i ' ( W h a t t o do? T h i s is Ind ia ) , as an e x a m p l e o f tha t e n d u r i n g w i s d o m a n d a c c e p t a n c e o f fate for w h i c h India's p o o r are so r e ­ve red , r a t h e r t h a n a n absolu te loss o f faith in his coun t ry ' s abili ty t o del iver jus t i ce . I t was n o t a m a t t e r s imply o f c o r r u p t po l ice , c o r r u p t d o c t o r s (as if it w e r e possible for t h e ma jo r i t y o f po l i ce a n d d o c t o r s n o t t o b e c o r r u p t ) , b u t tha t t h e village p e o p l e t h e m ­selves, w h e n g iven a c h a n c e , also pa r t i c ipa te i n va r ious fo rms o f e x t o r t i o n o n t h e p r i n c i p l e tha t if t h e r i c h a n d p r iv i l eged can ge t away w i t h it, a n d t h e pol i t ic ians a n d t h e j u d g e s a n d t h e po l i ce a n d t h e forest officers a n d t h e admin i s t r a to r s a n d the i r o w n sa rpanch , t h e n w h y s h o u l d n ' t w e ? A n d this m o r a l c o r r u p t i o n has spread so deep ly a n d w i d e l y tha t t h e r e seems n o w a y t o ge t r i d o f it b y any m e a n s o t h e r t h a n a conf lagra t ion . It is n o t e n o u g h n o w t o f ind a g r o u p t o b l a m e — t h e Br i t i sh o r t h e pol i t ic ians (vile a n d c raven t h o u g h t hey of ten are) o r t h e industrial ists o r t h e bu reauc ra t s — because e v e r y o n e par t ic ipa tes at s o m e level.

W h e n I pa id t h e c o p at t h e side o f t h e road his t w o h u n d r e d r u p e e b r i b e , even t h o u g h I h a d b r o k e n n o l aw wha t soeve r , b e ­cause I j u s t d idn ' t w a n t t o was te a day swe l t e r ing in a po l i ce h u t at t h e side o f t h e road filling o u t fo rms (or i n d e e d r i sk ing b e i n g b e a t e n u p o r r a p e d because t h e y w e r e d r u n k a n d crazy) , because I was already e x h a u s t e d a n d h o t a n d u n c o m f o r t a b l e a n d fed u p a n d fretful a n d harassed a n d t h e r e w e r e still a n o t h e r e igh t h o u r s o f traffic a n d fumes a n d d i n before I c o u l d b e g i n t o b rea the , t o relax, t o rega in myse l f u p h e r e in t h e c lean air o f t h e pr iv i lege o f m y class, f rom w h i c h van tage p o i n t I w o u l d b e able t o d i sce rn t h e m a r v e l a n d w o n d e r o f t h e c r o w d a n d o f India 's p e r p e t u i t y , a n d b e able t o sen t imen ta l i ze I n d i a n ru ra l life because I d idn ' t have t o live it, d idn ' t have t o n o t i c e t h e m e a n n e s s a n d fear tha t lay b e n e a t h its ' happ iness ' — t h e n I, t o o , was gui l ty .

If o n e c a n n o t m u s t e r a god l ike d e t a c h m e n t , a sense o f i m p o t ­e n c e is t h e n e x t bes t p r o t e c t i o n f rom despair . India is t o o b ig . T h e p r o b l e m s t o o i m m e n s e . W h a t van i ty t o t h i n k one 's o w n ac t ions c o u l d m a k e any difference to tha t swell ing f lood. T h e shee r

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v o l u m e o f it suffocated every g o o d i n t e n t i o n . H e r e , Life m a t t e r e d , lives d id n o t a n d to ach ieve tha t f a m o u s sereni ty , w h i c h is n o w India 's p r inc ipa l e x p o r t ( the f r igh ten ing , v a p o r o u s sereni ty o f t h e N e w A g e m o v e m e n t ) , o n e n e e d e d t o v i e w ind iv idua l lives as insignif icant , m e r e vehicles for D N A .

To achieve t h e l o n g view, o n e steps fu r the r a n d fu r ther b a c k f rom lives as t h e y are l ived to tha t m o r e t r anqu i l pos i t i on f r o m w h i c h o n e sees o n l y t h e c r o w d . F r o m tha t pe rspec t ive h u m a n be ings b e c o m e a species, w o r t h p rese rv ing . B u t take a n o t h e r step b a c k a n d it is n o l o n g e r necessary t o p rese rve t h e species. T h e r e wi l l b e a n o t h e r fo l lowing us , after all. U n t i l t h e v i e w l e n g t h e n s t o such an e x t e n t tha t t h e w o r l d disappears a n d o n e is left w i t h o n l y t h e co ld reaches o f space, i n a p r iva te pas de deux w i t h G o d . Was i t possible t o a c c o m m o d a t e t h e c o n t r a d i c t i o n b e t w e e n ac t i on a n d b e i n g , t o i n c o r p o r a t e b o t h l o n g v i e w a n d s h o r t v i e w in one ' s a t t i t ude t o life, t o b e b o t h reflective a n d active, d e t a c h e d a n d involved?

T h e r e was an o d d a n o m a l y in m y a t t i t ude to India . H e r e I h a d m e t t h e bes t p e o p l e , t h e bes t kinds o f p e o p l e I h a d ever k n o w n . P e o p l e w h o s e d e p t h , w a r m t h a n d d ign i ty , w h o s e spread a n d reach , m a d e w e s t e r n e r s s e e m p i n c h e d b y c o m p a r i s o n ( p i n c h e d b e t w e e n t h e f inger o f G o d a n d t h e t h u m b o f Satan) . T h e capaci ty for j o y he re , t h e g r a t i t ude t o life n o m a t t e r w h a t h a n d it h a d deal t y o u . T h e o p e n n e s s t o a n d respec t for t h e be ingness o f ano the r , as i f all t h e souls o f t h e w o r l d h a d m e t m a n y t imes before . In tha t sense I felt m o r e at h o m e here , m o r e in love w i t h life t h a n I ever h a d i n E n g l a n d . W h a t e v e r I t h o u g h t a b o u t India , I w o u l d find myself, a m i n u t e later, t h i n k i n g t h e oppos i t e w i t h equa l c o n v i c t i o n . N o t for a m o m e n t d id it a l low rel ief f rom t h e d i scomfor t s o f pa r adox . N o t for a m o m e n t d id it a l low indifference.

N a r e n d r a left a day be fo re us . S o m e t roub l e in J o d h p u r w i t h M o r n a t . W h e n I j o i n e d h i m the re , w e sat o u t b y t h e fire a n d I pes t e red h i m for t h e s tory . H e said in Eng l i sh tha t M o r n a t ' s s o n h a d a lmos t d i ed a n d tha t h e , N a r e n d r a , h a d r u s h e d h i m to a p r i ­va te hospi ta l . M o r n a t d id n o t speak Eng l i sh b u t u n d e r s t o o d w h a t was b e i n g said. H e b e c a m e v e r y e m o t i o n a l , s ta r ted c r y i n g a n d k e p t p u t t i n g his h a n d s t o g e t h e r i n tha t w a y o f his. I c o n t i n u e d ask ing ques t ions such as, ' B u t w h y d idn ' t h e s end t h e b o y h imsel f? W h y

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d id h e wa i t for y o u to c o m e ? Sure ly h e k n e w y o u w o u l d pay for it? . . . D i d n ' t h e ? ' U n t i l N a r e n d r a asked m e p o i n t e d l y to d r o p it . W h e n M o r n a t w e n t h o m e , I asked w h y . 'Because it was m a k i n g m e sad a n d M o r n a t sad,' a n d h e w o u l d say n o m o r e . I j u s t c o u l d n o t f a t h o m t h e master—servant re la t ionship . I k n e w tha t o f all t h e p e o p l e w h o w o r k e d for h i m , N a r e n d r a p r o b a b l y felt t h e deepes t affection a n d respec t for M o r n a t . B u t w h a t d id tha t m e a n w h e n t h e fo rma l d is tance b e t w e e n t h e m was so r i g id tha t M o r n a t w o u l d r isk his son's life r a the r t h a n r isk of fending his pa t ron? Before s e n d i n g M o r n a t h o m e tha t n igh t , N a r e n d r a h a d said t o h i m , ' T h a t d o g is ea t ing m y brains. ' ( H e felt t ha t I spoi led Zali .) M o r n a t h a d l a u g h e d g e n u i n e l y a n d w a r m l y a n d repl ied , ' H e is y o u n g , he ' l l improve . ' A n d I saw t h e compl i c i t y a n d u n d e r s t a n d i n g b e t w e e n t h e m , an u n d e r s t a n d i n g f rom w h i c h I was e x c l u d e d .

P rev ious ly N a r e n d r a h a d refer red t o his servants as his family a n d I h a d scoffed at such obfusca t ing l anguage . T h e y are y o u r w o r k e r s I h a d said, y o u r serfs. B u t n o w I saw tha t family was t h e t r u e r analogy. A h ierarchica l family p e r h a p s , w i t h a pa t r i a rch p e r c h e d f i rmly at t h e top , b u t a family, w i t h a family's respons ib i l i ­ties a n d dut ies t o each o the r . It w o u l d b e imposs ible , for e x a m p l e , for m e to fire C h u t r a s imply because h e drove m e crazy. If h e was hones t , w h i c h h e was , sc rupulous ly ; if h e d id n o t shirk his w o r k , w h i c h , it h a d to b e said, h e d id n o t , t h e n h e was m y u n t h wal lah for e t e r n i t y a n d his p r o b l e m s b e c a m e m y p r o b l e m s .

N a r e n d r a was t h e cent r i fugal p o i n t i n t h e m i d d l e o f m y w h i r l ­ing . H e was t h e i n t e r p r e t e r o f w h e r e I was . H e had , i n a way , become Ind ia t o m e . B u t t o t r u ly u n d e r s t a n d s o m e o n e y o u have t o u n d e r s t a n d his i n n e r d ia logue — tha t p e r p e t u a l discussion w i t h w h a t f o r m e d h i m — his cu l tu re . W h e n I h a d to accep t tha t i n this p e r s o n I loved t h e r e w e r e areas o f foreignness w h i c h c o u l d n e v e r b e m a p p e d , a n d t ha t this was m u t u a l , I felt as if I h a d set myse l f adrift i n this baffling p lace a n d w o u l d n e v e r f ind m y w a y h o m e . O n c e h e h a d b e g g e d m e n o t t o r i d e a b icyc le because it was ' t h e easiest way for s o m e o n e to m u r d e r y o u ' .

' B u t n o one 's t r y i n g t o m u r d e r me , ' I h a d said, aghast . ' H o w d o y o u k n o w ? ' h e h a d c o u n t e r e d a n d I h a d sea rched t h e

h o r i z o n for s o m e t h i n g familiar o n w h i c h t o rest m y eyes. Usua l ly t he r e was n o sense o f s t rangeness b e t w e e n us a n d t h e unl ikel iness

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of o u r f r iendship was o b s c u r e d b y its s t r eng th . B u t so r e m o t e d id h e s o m e t i m e s s e e m f r o m a n y t h i n g I c o u l d c o m p r e h e n d , it was as if I h a d lost m y f o o t i n g a n d was falling. It was n o t tha t o u r t h o u g h t s w e r e different, tha t was t o b e e x p e c t e d , b u t tha t t h e ways in w h i c h w e t h o u g h t w e r e different. B u t inevi tab ly a gear w o u l d shift a n d I w o u l d b e b a c k w i t h m y f r iend i n t h e w a r m t h o f a deeper , h u m a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g .

W h e n I said g o o d b y e to h i m , it was a little l ike se t t ing off f rom an island o n w h i c h o n e has b e e n ent i re ly h a p p y a n d safe b u t , o n c e t h r o u g h t h e ree f ( the f a r m gates), t u r n i n g to face an u n c h a r t e d sea.

17

' I sn ' t f o r t y - o n e a li t t le . . .? ' ' N o t at all,' said t h e gynaecolog is t , b e a m i n g . B y t h e l o o k o n h e r

face she m i g h t have added , ' C o n g r a t u l a t i o n s . ' It s t ruck m e tha t a w e s t e r n d o c t o r w o u l d p r o b a b l y have t r i e d at this m o m e n t o f t r u t h to a r r ange a l o o k o f s y m p a t h y o n h e r face. It also s t ruck m e tha t I c o u l d n o t have c h o s e n a b e t t e r cu l tu re in w h i c h t o e x p e r i e n c e this event .

M e n o p a u s e . T h e ve ry w o r d has a funereal , d e a d - e n d t o n e . G r e y w o m e n , s u n k in obscu r i ty , l e e c h e d o f vi tal i ty, r e a c h i n g for bo t t l es o f b l u e ha i r - r i n se a n d packets o f Val ium, invisible at par t ies , h u s b a n d s b e d d i n g secretar ies , vaginas o f sandpaper , any l i n g e r i n g sexual desires a j o k e for t h e c r u e l - h e a r t e d . D e a r G o d , w h o w o u l d w a n t t o g o there? Yet eve ry I n d i a n w o m a n I spoke to , across t h e social s p e c t r u m , e i the r e x p e r i e n c e d n o n e o f t h e physical a n d m e n t a l distress tha t so p l a g u e d h e r w e s t e r n sisters or, i f she d id , dismissed it as negl ig ib le . In t h e wes t t h e cessat ion o f egg- lay ing signalled t h e e n d o f female p o w e r , i n Ind ia its b e g i n n i n g .

As it h a p p e n e d I h a d far t o o m u c h o n m y pla te t o b e w o r r y i n g a b o u t such trivialit ies as ' t h e c h a n g e o f life ' , b u t it d id s tr ike m e as typical ly pe rve r se o f fate t o c h a n g e it now, j u s t w h e n I n e e d e d m y s t rength .

C h u t r a was n o t w h e r e h e was s u p p o s e d t o b e . W h e n m y fr iends a n d I f o u n d h i m , o n a f a r m n e a r t h e R a j a s t h a n - G u j a r a t bo rde r , h e h a d g a t h e r e d n o i n f o r m a t i o n as t o t h e l o c a t i o n o f R a b a r i dangs w i t h w h i c h w e m i g h t h i t c h a passage back , m o r e o r less, t o J o d h -pur , n o r h a d h e m a d e any ad jus tments t o o u r saddles a n d gear as I h a d asked h i m to d o . H i s excuse for n o t r i n g i n g m e was tha t h e c o u l d n o t gua rd t h e camels a n d use a p h o n e at t h e same t i m e . I

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sugges ted tha t h e m i g h t have asked s o m e o n e else t o r i n g m e , s ince his failure t o f ind o u t w h e r e any dangs w e r e d id r a the r m u c k u p m y plans . T h a t is to say I n o l o n g e r h a d any. A n d his b e i n g at a p lace o t h e r t h a n t h e a g r e e d m e e t i n g - p l a c e h a d m e a n t an ext ra day o f d r i v i n g a n d anx ie ty for m e . H e c o u n t e r e d tha t l o o k i n g after t h r e e camels was t o o m u c h w o r k for o n e m a n a n d h e n e e d e d assistants. I m a d e t h e p o i n t tha t if I c o u l d wa lk a lone w i t h t h r e e a n d a hal f camels across seven teen h u n d r e d mi les o f deser t , h e c o u l d surely m a n a g e a h u n d r e d k i l ome t r e s t h r o u g h set t led c o u n t r y , w h e r e feed c o u l d b e p u r c h a s e d a n d k i n d l y p e o p l e w e r e a r u p e e a d o z e n . T h i s was a little unfa i r o n m y pa r t because in Austral ia I d id n o t have t o w o r r y a b o u t th ieves , t h e r e b e i n g so few h u m a n be ings t o d o t h e th i ev ing .

Ins ide five m i n u t e s m y best i n t e n t i o n s o f b e i n g au thor i t a t ive w i t h h i m , o f n o t a l l owing mysel f t o b e e i the r i r r i t a t ed o r bu l l i ed b y h i m , w e r e rubb l e . H a p p i l y m y fr iends c o u l d n o w val idate eve ry ­t h i n g I h a d said. Yes, C h u t r a R a m R a i k a d id appea r t o b e a to ta l a rsehole .

If it s h o u l d s e e m tha t o n e gets u sed to t h e cons t an t t e a r i n g u p a n d tossing away o f one ' s p lans , I a m h e r e t o tell y o u tha t o n e does n o t . O n e chases after t h e scraps w h i c h mal i c ious w i n d s lift u p a n d away, o u t o f r each . A n d it's n o t so m u c h t h e despai r o n e can ' t c o p e w i t h , it's t h e h o p e . Even tua l ly o n e r e t u r n s t o t h e s i t t ing a n d t h i n k ­i n g pos i t i on .

T h e r e are m o v e m e n t s o f R a b a r i , swirls a n d swoops apparen t ly r a n d o m b u t fractal i n na tu re . H o w e v e r , t o p l u g i n t o this p a t t e r n , o n e n e e d e d t o b e in m a n y places at o n c e , co l l ec t ing a n d col la t ing i n f o r m a t i o n , sifting o u t i n c o r r e c t details, d r i v i n g m a n y h o u r s t o a r r ive at t h e office o f a p e r s o n w h o m i g h t have an o v e r v i e w o f t h e local p a t t e r n t o find tha t t h e p e r s o n is away, d e a d o r u n h e a r d of. If o n e c o u l d have fifty scouts , say, all o f t h e m at t h e ve ry least b i ­l ingual , a n d if o n e h a d a cent ra l office w h e r e all fifty scouts c o u l d col la te the i r ma te r i a l all at t h e same t ime , a n d if o n e t h e n f o u n d a d a n g , o r a series o f dangs travel l ing in one ' s genera l d i r ec t ion , a n d if t h e m u k k i o f each d a n g c o u l d b e prevai led u p o n to r isk t h e inc lus ion o f oneself, a n d if, t h e n , t h e plans o f t hose m u k k i s d id n o t c h a n g e at t h e last s econd , wel l , t h e n , o n e m i g h t ge t s o m e w h e r e . B u t as it was , I w o u l d have t o set off o n m y o w n , b l ind ly s t r ik ing

2 0 7

i n t h e d i r ec t ion o f J o d h p u r . A t least this p l an h a d t h e advan tage o f t ak ing m e t h r o u g h par ts o f t h e Aravalli R a n g e s , w h e r e a soul m i g h t take a b r e a t h before p l u n g i n g b a c k d o w n i n t o these malar ia l plains.

It was t i m e t o leave. In t h e l o a d i n g - u p process , I h a d t i ed a sirsingle k n o t i n m y o w n way , a k n o t I h a d used of ten a n d to g o o d effect. C h u t r a c h e c k e d e v e r y t h i n g I h a d d o n e . W h e n h e c a m e t o t h e k n o t , h e cal led for t h e a t t e n t i o n o f t h e en t i re g a t h e r i n g — f a r m o w n e r s , f a r m w o r k e r s , relatives, n e i g h b o u r s , visi tors , ch i ld ren a n d fr iends — a n d d e c l a i m e d l o u d l y tha t M a d a m Sahib w o u l d b e lost w i t h o u t h i m because l o o k , h a ha , at this crazy k n o t . Affect ionate p i ty spread over his face. Still address ing t h e g a t h e r i n g h e c o n ­t i n u e d , ' M a d a m Sahib, I wi l l n o w s h o w y o u t h e c o r r e c t way t o t ie a kno t . ' W i t h exaggera ted ly s lowed d o w n gestures h e d e m o n s t r a t e d t h e t y i n g o f t h e k n o t as if t o s o m e o n e w i t h frontal l o b e d a m a g e .

Ar seho le . U n q u e s t i o n a b l y . ' C h u t r a j i , l o o k , m a y b e b o r a n o O K . B o r a . . . ( h o m u n c u l u s

u n a b l e t o f ind t h e w o r d s for l e n g t h o r b read th ) . . . w r o n g , n o t r i g h t . . . T h i s way? ' I h a d asked h i m t o s t i tch t h e b o r a t h e n i g h t be fore — a large rec tangle o f goa t a n d came l ha i r w h i c h , w h e n t h r o w n over t h e saddle, fo rms a p o c k e t o n e i t he r side in w h i c h g o o d s are ca r r i ed . Ins tead o f s t i t ch ing t h e b o r a a long t h e h o r i z o n ­tal, h e h a d s t i t ched it a l ong t h e ver t ical . T h e c e n t r e o f gravi ty o f t h e load was therefore so h i g h tha t it ro l led like a bad ly ballasted ship w h e n e v e r t h e came l m o v e d .

C h u t r a i n f o r m e d m e tha t h e k n e w h o w t o s t i tch a b o r a . ' O h , ' I said. W h y d id I n o t say, 'S t i t ch it this w a y a n d that 's

tha t ' ? W h y d id I n o t bypass his e g o b y d o i n g it myself? I have n o excuses o t h e r t h a n fat igue o f t h e wil l .

I h u g g e d m y friends g o o d b y e o n t h e Deesa—Moun t A b u road . I w o u l d have sat r i g h t d o w n a n d w e p t there , i f I h a d n ' t b e e n so w o r r i e d a b o u t t h e camels , t h e gear, t h e magaz ine , Di l ip , C h u t r a , t h e camels , t h e magaz ine , C h u t r a , t h e magaz ine . A n d t h e h u m a n ­i ty c lus tered a r o u n d us, shov ing , s tar ing, s m o t h e r i n g .

C h u t r a s e e m e d ambiva len t a b o u t t h e pe rpe tua l l y g a t h e r i n g c rowds . S o m e t i m e s t hey so a n n o y e d h i m tha t h e s h o u t e d a n d w a v e d his st ick at t h e m , desc r ib ing t h e m t o m e as ' ve ry h a l f - m i n d ' a n d t a p p i n g his forehead . O n t h e o t h e r h a n d , t hey d i d p r o v i d e an

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a u d i e n c e . H e t o o k cha rge o f t h e pr incesses s t ra ight away, l eav ing m e to lead R a m R a h i m . T h i n k i n g I c o u l d n o t u n d e r s t a n d h i m , h e i n f o r m e d e v e r y o n e in c o n v o l u t e d b u t still dec iphe rab l e l anguage tha t t h e t w o Ja isa lmer p u r e - b r e d s b e l o n g e d t o h imse l f w h i l e t h e u n d i s t i n g u i s h e d K u t c h i bul l b e l o n g e d t o m e . H e was also fond o f b o a s t i n g tha t h e was c o n t r a c t e d to b e m y b o d y g u a r d b y t h e R o y a l H o u s e o f J o d h p u r . I d o u b t if a n y o n e be l ieved this because M a d a m Sahib, desp i te h e r paleness o f skin, l o o k e d a b o u t as i m p o r t a n t as a p a r i a h d o g .

T h e r e was qu i t e a large p o p u l a t i o n o f R a b a r i i n this area. T h e y h a d sold t h e i r herds a n d b o u g h t l and a n d w e r e b e t t e r off t h a n t he i r t ravel l ing cous ins . B u t t h e wi lde rness h a d left t he i r spiri t a n d t h e y w e r e j u s t l ike a n y o n e else. O n c e this l and h a d b e e n th ick ly w o o d e d , r i p e w i t h b luebul ls a n d b i g cats, r i c h w i t h grasses for t h e n o m a d s ' he rds . N o w it was ba re as p i c k e d - c l e a n b o n e . T h e t rack w o u n d bes ide a village w h i c h surely c o u l d s u p p o r t n o m o r e t h a n fifty p e o p l e .

All was q u i e t b e h i n d t h e b r o k e n wall ; ou t s ide it a few ch ickens c lucked a r o u n d in t h e d u n g h e a p s . T h e n a s o u n d w h i c h was chi l l ­i n g to m e . C h i l d r e n . Avalanches o f ch i ld ren , t h o u s a n d s it s e e m e d , d r a w n o u t t h r o u g h gaps i n t h e r u b b l e as if b y a p iper , each w i t h his o w n li t t le face, h e r o w n little fate, beaut i ful , loved , u n i q u e a n d futureless. B e c a u s e t h e r e is n o t h i n g left for t h e m . N o t e n o u g h land , o r t rees, o r animals , o r j o b s ; n o t e n o u g h m o n e y for e d u c a ­t i o n , o r m e d i c i n e , o r t h e g u a r a n t e e o f a full s t o m a c h . Yet t h e y wil l p r o d u c e t h e s a m e n u m b e r o f ch i ld ren again - a n d again a n d again — a n d t h e physical u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f tha t m a t h e m a t i c s , o f t h e g e o ­m e t r i c p rogress ion o f ever m o r e i n d i g e n t life, m a d e t h e h e a r t s h r i n k in fear. I k n e w t h e statistics - t ha t t h e resources spen t o n a single A m e r i c a n chi ld c o u l d s u p p o r t twen ty - f ive I n d i a n ch i ld ren . I l o a t h e d t h e m o r a l i s m w h i c h d e m a n d e d tha t t h e th i rd w o r l d accep t (and pay for) a vers ion o f e n v i r o n m e n t a l p r o t e c t i o n in w h i c h trees w e r e m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n p e o p l e . A n y o n e w h o used e lec t r ic i ty o r drove a car h a d n o r i g h t t o tell peasants t o s top felling t rees . Neve r the l e s s it was t h e ch i ld ren o f Ind ia w h o i l l u m i ­n a t e d t h e obv ious — unjus t d ispar i ty a n d m o v e m e n t s o f w o r l d capital n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g — there are too many of us. It was difficult, w h e n I h e a r d t h e c a c o p h o n y o f tha t s t r eam o f life p o u r i n g o u t o f

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t h e m o s t i m p o v e r i s h e d o f villages, n o t t o a b h o r h u m a n k i n d — its mindless rep l ica t ion . A n y l i n g e r i n g g r i e f at m y o w n childlessness was assuaged b y tha t s o u n d , w h i c h n o w gradual ly d i ed away as t h e r iver o f life e m p t i e d b a c k i n t o t h e vil lage, t h e fu r ther w e m o v e d o n .

T h e n o m a d s I h a d k n o w n t e n d e d t o l imi t t he i r ch i ld ren . B u t w i t h i n o n e g e n e r a t i o n o f s e t t l emen t t h e w o m e n lose t he i r i n d e ­p e n d e n c e , m o v e fu r the r b e h i n d t h e veil a n d b e g i n p r o d u c i n g babies as fast as the i r w o m b s can m a n u f a c t u r e t h e m . I d o n o t be l ieve this is because m o r e ch i ld ren are an e c o n o m i c advan tage to set t led p e o p l e . N o r tha t ch i ld ren have a b e t t e r survival ra te i n villages ( ra ther t h e oppos i t e ) . I t h i n k it is t o d o w i t h t h e d i m i n i s h ­i n g status o f w o m e n w h e n t h e w a n d e r i n g life ceases, t o t h e p o i n t w h e r e t h e y n o l o n g e r have c o n t r o l over the i r o w n r e p r o d u c t i o n .

E v e r y o n e w e passed o n t h e road d r e w f rom C h u t r a t h e fo l low­i n g ques t ions : ' W h e r e are y o u from? W h a t is y o u r caste? ' D e p e n d ­i n g u p o n the i r answers , h e was e i t he r f r iendly o r dismissive. ( T h e fu r the r d o w n t h e caste scale, alas, t h e m o r e dismissive h e became . ) Yet h o w wel l I u n d e r s t o o d this o r d e r i n g o f t h e chaos w h e n , a li t t le fu r the r o n , w e saw a travel l ing K u t c h i R a b a r i . M y h e a r t leapt o u t t o g ree t tha t w o m a n in b lack — m y sister, m y family, m y jaat.

B u t h e r eyes w e r e l ike t w o s t r ik ing snakes. She was a lone w i t h h e r li t t le f lock o f sheep, h e r c o m p a n i o n s a l o n g w a y b e h i n d . I k n e w e n o u g h a b o u t d a n g life t o k n o w tha t this was u n u s u a l a n d d a n g e r o u s . Pe rhaps h e r d a n g h a d h a d to split i n t o smaller flocks, so tha t n o w t h e r e w e r e n o t e n o u g h shephe rds t o g o a r o u n d . O r pe rhaps t h e s h e p h e r d o f this flock was t o o ill t o walk , l eav ing t h e responsibi l i ty for t h e an imals ' safety u p t o this l o n e a n d u n p r o ­t e c t e d w o m a n . If she lost t h e animals , it w o u l d m e a n des t i t u t ion for h e r a n d h e r family. T h i s was n o t a p lace in w h i c h t rus t a n d survival w e n t t oge the r . I d id n o t f r igh ten h e r fu r the r b y g o i n g over t o h e r b u t lifted m y h a n d a n d c o n t i n u e d o n m y way .

Za l i was p r o v i n g to b e a h igh -ca l ib re c o m p a n i o n . T h e l o n g associat ion w i t h Jogis h a d b r e d o u t c a n i n e slavishness. H e h a d a n ar is tocrat ic d e m e a n o u r , m i t i g a t e d b y terr i f ic street c red . Survival was his first p r i o r i t y a n d his bes t c h a n c e o f s e c u r i n g tha t , o n this j o u r n e y , lay w i t h t h e M e m s a h i b w h o m , h e h a d qu i ck ly w o r k e d

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o u t , h e c o u l d twis t a r o u n d his li t t le paw. C h u t r a d id n o t signify. C h u t r a was inaud ib le a n d invisible.

Brave Za l i . Beauuu t i fu l Zal i . Intel l l l l igent Zal i . T h i s persp icac i ty r ega rd ing t h e w a y th ings w e r e c o m m u n i c a t e d

itself f rom t h e first n i g h t w h e n h e slept ou t s ide t h e front d o o r , o n l y to m o v e over successive n igh t s t o s leep ing ou t s ide t h e d o o r o f m y r o o m , to s leep ing ins ide t h e d o o r o f m y r o o m , to s leep ing b e n e a t h m y b e d , t o s leep ing o n a c o r n e r at t h e b o t t o m o f m y b e d , t o s leep ing o n t h e b o t t o m hal f o f m y b e d , t o s l eep ing u n d e r t h e covers , m y a r m cu r l ed a r o u n d h i m , his nose p e e p i n g o u t o f t h e b lankets . W h e n N a r e n d r a c o n d e m n e d this b e h a v i o u r , I p o i n t e d o u t tha t Za l i h a d p i c k e d u p an Eng l i sh v o c a b u l a r y o f at least a d o z e n c o m m a n d s a n d h e o b e y e d all o f t h e m , w h i c h was m o r e t h a n c o u l d b e said o f t h e u n t h wal lah .

B u t even w i t h Zali 's f ine c o m p a n y , t h e first day was n o t as l i g h t - h e a r t e d as t h e first day o f a l o n g j o u r n e y o u g h t t o be . P e r ­haps t h e r e w e r e m o m e n t s w h e n t h e r e w e r e n o p e o p l e c lus tered a r o u n d , w h e n the re w e r e n o vil lage dogs salivating at m y ankles o r t h r e a t e n i n g to r i p o u t Zali 's th roa t , w h e n t h e inf ini te po t en t i a l o f a r o a d b e n e a t h one 's feet e n t e r e d t h e spiri t , so tha t i t fearlessly cal led t o t h e fu ture a r o u n d t h e b e n d , ' H e r e I a m . I a m c o m i n g to you . ' B u t I d o n o t r e m e m b e r t h e m .

B e i n g thus d i sappo in ted , I n o w set g rea t s tore b y w h a t t h e first n i g h t m i g h t b r i n g . S leep ing u n d e r t h e stars, c a m e l bells t i nk l ing in a c o o l b r eeze , pe rhaps s o m e in te res t ing roads ide c o m p a n i o n s w i t h w h o m t o w h i l e away an h o u r o r t w o , n o t rucks h u r t l i n g u p t h e backsides o f camels a n d scar ing t h e m o u t o f t he i r wi t s , n o diesel fumes , n o gawper s . H o p e again, y o u see. D a m n e d h o p e .

I left t h e f ind ing o f a c a m p i n g spot u p t o C h u t r a as o n l y h e k n e w h o w to read t h e c o u n t r y s i d e . T h e p lace h e chose was n o t sa lubr ious b u t t h e p u m p i n g o f a we l l muff led t h e t h u n d e r o f t r ucks o n t h e road a n d t h e mal i (a field w o r k e r e m p l o y e d b y f a r m owner s ) s e e m e d a sweet m a n . H e was v e r y exc i t ed at t h e p rospec t o f such u n u s u a l guests n e a r his wel l a n d offered t o he lp w i t h eve ry th ing . Alas, h e h a d n o mi lk . H e w o u l d r u n t o t h e d u d h wal lah to b u y s o m e w h i l e w e set ourselves u p . I m i m e d tha t this was n o t necessary b u t h e insisted. I p u l l e d o u t m y p u r s e a n d gave h i m s o m e m o n e y . C h u t r a t o o k t h e t h r e e camels off t o feed. I set

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u p m y cot , laid m y luggage o n t op , s tashed m y p u r s e u n d e r it, bui l t t h e b e d o n t o p o f t h e luggage , p e r c h e d u p o n it , i nv i t ed Za l i t o p e r c h u p o n it w i t h m e a n d p r o c e e d e d t o w r i t e b y t h e last rays o f t h e sun . W h e n t h e mal i c a m e b a c k w i t h t h e mi lk , I w o u l d m a k e tea o n t h e li t t le P r i m u s stove. T h a t w o u l d b r i n g h o m e t o C h u t r a ( towards w h o m I was m e l l o w i n g in d i rec t p r o p o r t i o n as t h e w e a t h e r was coo l ing) tha t I was n o t at all helpless o r s tup id a n d tha t h e c o u l d a l low m e s o m e i n d e p e n d e n c e w i t h o u t fret t ing.

' M a d a m Sahib does n o t unde r s t and , ' h e h a d said. ' I nd i a is full o f c rooks . M a d a m Sahib is t o o t rust ing. ' D e a r o ld C h u t r a , I t h o u g h t , a n d smi led .

T h e mal i r e t u r n e d . H e said, o r r a the r m i m e d , ' T h e stove wi l l n o t l ight i n this w i n d . Y o u m u s t b r i n g it i n t o t h e p u m p h o u s e away f rom t h e w i n d . ' H o w v e r y helpful , I t h o u g h t . H o w can o n e n o t b e in love w i t h this c o u n t r y after all? So u n l i k e his t w o c o m p a n i o n s , l e e r i n g a n d unp leasan t fellows, w h o h a d asked in a l e a d i n g sor t o f w a y w h e t h e r I d r a n k a lcoho l . I h i n t e d , w i t h s o m e v e r y l o u d b o d y l anguage , tha t I was a Bapt is t mis s iona ry w i t h a l o a d e d pis to l u n d e r h e r k u r t a . B u t t h e mal i was harmless and I have n e v e r b e e n o n e t o p a n i c over t h e p r e sence o f suspect m e n , h a v i n g deal t w i t h e n o u g h o f t h e m t o k n o w tha t fearlessness is usually t h e bes t d e ­fence. I h a n d e d o u t tea t o t h e t h r e e m e n , t o o k m y o w n c u p a n d w e n t t o sit o n m y luggage .

W h e n C h u t r a c a m e b a c k w e c o o k e d ro t i a n d dal, t h e n c o l ­lapsed. H o w e v e r I s o o n saw tha t if I w a n t e d t o sleep at all, I w o u l d n o t b e able t o share m y c o t w i t h Zal i .

S t e a m rose off t h e u n d e r g r o u n d w a t e r b e i n g p u m p e d i n t o t h e wel l , f o r m i n g a t h i c k w e t s h r o u d a r o u n d us so tha t I c o u l d n o t say w h e t h e r I was stifling h o t o r sh ive r ing co ld . S o m e h o w , I m a n a g e d t o b e b o t h . Za l i w h i m p e r e d a n d p u s h e d his l o n g n o s e u n d e r t h e covers . I r e m i n d e d h i m tha t J o g i dogs w e r e for h u n t i n g a n d for t e a r i n g s t rangers t o shreds. N o t for c u d d l i n g u p t o in t h e n igh t . N e i t h e r t h e d o g n o r I slept m o r e t h a n t h r ee h o u r s .

C h u t r a snored . I n t h e m o r n i n g t w o th ings b e c a m e appa ren t ve ry qu ick ly . B o t h

Zal i a n d I w e r e ill, a n d m y p u r s e was miss ing. H a d m y p u r s e c o n t a i n e d o n l y m o n e y , I m i g h t have n e g l e c t e d to tell C h u t r a o f its d i sappearance , t h e r e b y h i d i n g tha t i n c h w h i c h w o u l d lead t o a

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m i l e o f p r o o f o f m y s tupid i ty . B u t m y p u r s e c o n t a i n e d t o r c h , m o s q u i t o repe l len t , passpor t a n d all t h e papers n e e d e d t o s u b d u e bureaucra t s f rom h e r e to D e l h i .

C h u t r a d e m a n d e d an exac t r e c o n s t r u c t i o n o f t h e m o v e m e n t s o f t h e p r ev ious n i g h t w h i l e h e p a c e d in front o f m e , hands clasped b e h i n d his back . H e d e d u c e d tha t t h e mal i h a d e n t i c e d m e i n t o m a k i n g tea in t h e p u m p h o u s e away f r o m t h e w i n d , t h e n g o n e o u t t o take t h e p u r s e f rom u n d e r t h e luggage o n t h e b e d . Yes, pe rhaps I d id r e m e m b e r h i m leav ing w h i l e I m a d e t h e tea. Yes, pe rhaps I h a d b r o k e n a cardinal r u l e b y displaying m o n e y in m y p u r s e w h e n I gave t h e mal i s o m e paisa for mi lk . A n d , yes , it was possible tha t h e was w a t c h i n g w h e n I b u r i e d m y p u r s e in t h e luggage .

T h e ma l i w h o h a d b e e n so f r iendly t h e n i g h t before c o u l d n o t b e f o u n d this m o r n i n g . C h u t r a c o n f r o n t e d his wife a n d d a u g h t e r ins tead. H e said, 'As I c a n n o t find y o u r h u s b a n d , i n o r d e r t o clear u p this l i t t le m a t t e r o f t h e miss ing pur se , I ' m afraid I m u s t g o to t h e po l i ce in Sidpur , a n d b r i n g t h e m here. ' T h e mal i appea red shor t ly afterwards.

C h u t r a said to t h e mal i , 'As y o u k n o w n o t h i n g a b o u t t h e mi s s ­i n g pur se , y o u wil l n o t m i n d c o m i n g w i t h m e t o t h e po l i ce s ta t ion to he lp m e exp la in t o t h e m w h a t has h a p p e n e d . ' B u t it s e e m e d tha t t h e mal i d id m i n d . H e w o u l d l ike t o he lp us find this accur sed a n d a b o m i n a b l e th i e f bu t , regretfully, h e h a d t o g o to w o r k . 'Ah, ' said C h u t r a , ' i n tha t case y o u m u s t take m e t o y o u r mas te r a n d I wi l l exp la in e v e r y t h i n g to h i m . Perhaps I wi l l take him t o t h e pol ice . ' A t this t h e mal i sh rank fu r ther i n t o his rags a n d b e g a n to l o o k far f r o m i n n o c e n t . I w a i t e d w i t h t h e camels w h i l e C h u t r a p r e p a r e d t h e coup de grâce.

T h e r e s e e m e d t o b e lots o f a r m - w a v i n g a n d h e a d - s h a k i n g g o i n g o n . Even tua l ly I called to C h u t r a a n d sugges ted tha t , if w e gave t h e m s o m e t ime , w e w o u l d m o s t l ikely find t h e b a g a b a n ­d o n e d s o m e w h e r e as t h e y w e r e n o w obv ious ly f r igh tened . T h e i m p o r t a n t th ings w e r e t h e papers r a the r t h a n t h e m o n e y , so p e r ­haps w e s h o u l d m a k e tea a n d wai t . H e ag reed .

Less t h a n half an h o u r later, t h e mali 's d a u g h t e r h a p p e n e d to spot t h e p u r s e d i t c h e d in a perfec t ly invisible place. E v e r y o n e gasped a n d r h u b a r b e d at such p h e n o m e n a l g o o d l u c k a n d l o o k e d so painfully gui l ty tha t I felt so r ry for t h e m a n d d o u b l y a n g r y at

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myself. B u t C l o u s e a u was relentless. H e p a c e d to a n d fro in front o f t h e g a p i n g pur se , tw i r l ed his m o u s t a c h e w i t h o n e h a n d a n d lifted his o t h e r i n a ges ture for s i lence.

' D o n ' t t o u c h anyth ing , ' h e c o m m a n d e d . ' W e wi l l n o w call t h e po l i ce t o see i f t h e m o n e y is ins ide because it is r a the r s t range tha t t h e mali 's d a u g h t e r s h o u l d have c r a n e d h e r n e c k over h e r e , w h e n in fact she s h o u l d have b e e n w a l k i n g o n t h e p a t h over there . ' T h e mali 's d a u g h t e r b e g a n t o cry .

' H o w m u c h was i n t h e p u r s e ? ' hissed C h u t r a in an aside. 'I d o n ' t r e m e m b e r . P r o b a b l y fifteen h u n d r e d o r so.' ' H o w can y o u n o t r e m e m b e r ? It was y o u r m o n e y . M a d a m

Sahib is v e r y forgetful. ' ' . . . A b o u t o n e thousand . ' T h e r e fo l lowed several h o u r s o f h o r s e - t r a d i n g . B y m i d -

a f t e r n o o n t h e d r a m a h a d r e a c h e d its d e n o u e m e n t . T h e mal i was r o u t e d , I was h a n d e d e igh t h u n d r e d r u p e e s a n d w e l o a d e d u p t o leave. T h e mali 's wi fe was wai l ing ; his d a u g h t e r h a d fled. P u b l i c h u m i l i a t i o n , p u b l i c s h a m e . B u t C h u t r a h a d n o p i ty . A th i e f is a t h i e f n o m a t t e r w h a t his c i r cums tance a n d it was t h e w o m a n ' s b a d f o r t u n e to b e m a r r i e d t o o n e .

I, t o o , was cove red i n shame . H o w c o u l d I have b e e n so t h o u g h t ­less as t o leave s u c h t e m p t a t i o n a r o u n d for a m a n i m m u r e d in pove r ty , w h o s e o n l y k n o w l e d g e o f E u r o p e a n s is tha t t h e y are u n i m a g i n a b l y r i ch? C h u t r a chast ised m e for b e i n g t o o t ru s t i ng (read s tup id) . A n d for b e i n g forgetful. I n d e e d I was forgetful, p a t h o ­logical ly so, a n d for this t o o I felt n o t h i n g b u t r e m o r s e .

I h a d so forfei ted any credibi l i ty tha t it was b e y o n d m e t o m a k e suggest ions r ega rd ing t h e l o a d i n g o r t h e b o r a . H a d n ' t C h u t r a j u s t p r o v e d h imse l f inf ini te ly m o r e capable t h a n I i n this ven tu r e? A n d s h o u l d n ' t a R a i k a c a m e l m a n k n o w , b e t t e r t h a n I, h o w to l o a d t h r ee camels so tha t t h e luggage d idn ' t fall off? In m y v i e w it l o o k e d ve ry p r e c a r i o u s b u t w h o was I t o j u d g e ? A vague , gull ible, id io t ic ' p h o r e n ' .

W e w a l k e d six mi les t o S idpur . Chu t r a ' s v i c t o r y over t h e mal i h a d g o n e t o his h e a d a n d a n y o n e w h o passed us , o r i n d e e d a n y o n e w h o was five h u n d r e d yards away in a field m i n d i n g his o w n business , w o u l d b e called over a n d sub jec ted t o a r e n d i t i o n o f t h e th ie f s to ry in w h i c h o u r h e r o C h u t r a had , t h r o u g h wil iness a n d

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in te l l igence , r e t r i eved for M a d a m Sahib ( w h o c a m e o u t o f this s to ry as a s o m e w h a t d i m - w i t t e d figure, qu i t e i r re levant t o t h e p l o t e x c e p t as paisa wallah) o n e t h o u s a n d rupees , a s u m w h i c h g r e w w i t h every passing mi l e a n d every c a p t u r e d l i s tener un t i l , by t h e t i m e w e r e a c h e d Sidpur , it h a d swel led to e igh t t h o u s a n d r u p e e s .

It was imposs ib le n o t t o enjoy these fabulat ions for t h e rel ief o f h i lar i ty t hey offered, b u t t h e n I real ized h o w v ind ic t ive Chu t r a ' s ly ing was . E v e r y o n e in t h e area w o u l d n o w k n o w tha t t h e mal i was a th ie f a n d tha t t h e mali 's wife was a thief 's wife. W i t h each t h o u s a n d r u p e e increase, w i t h each i n c r e m e n t o f evil a t t r i b u t e d t o t h e mal i , a n o t h e r shovelful o f ea r th fell o n his social grave.

Za l i s loped a l o n g l ike an o ld t r amp . W h e n e v e r w e s t o p p e d to rest f rom t h e hea t , h e f lopped d o w n bes ide m e so tha t I h a d t o c o a x h i m b a c k o n to his feet w h e n it was t i m e to leave. An ima l s d o n o t h e d o w n cons tan t ly unless t h e y are ser ious ly ill.

'Za l i sick,' I said t o C h u t r a . H e w e n t over t o t h e d o g , filled his o w n c log w i t h sand, passed this c log t h r e e t imes over Zal i , m u t ­t e r e d a m a n t r a a n d a n n o u n c e d tha t t h e d o g w o u l d n o w b e all r igh t . S o m e h o w this a c t i o n o v e r w h e l m e d m e w i t h futility. O n e m i g h t o r m i g h t n o t survive b u t e i t he r w a y it was en t i re ly o u t o f one ' s o w n h a n d s . I n t h e streets o f S i d p u r I i n q u i r e d a b o u t a vet . B u t it s e e m e d the re w e r e n o vets i n S i d p u r or, if t h e r e we re , t he r e was n o way o f p e n e t r a t i n g t h e c l amour , o f f ind ing a t h read to follow.

O n t h e o t h e r side o f S idpur , M o m a l sh ied at a bus . T h e b o r a t o p p l e d . T h e g o o d s w e r e scat tered. It was h o t . T h e r o a d was t u m u l ­t u o u s a n d full o f fumes . T h e d o g was ill. I d id n o t k n o w h o w to he lp t h e d o g . I t r i e d to lash h i m u p o n Sumal 's saddle b u t h e fell off, h o w l i n g . M y n o s e was s t r eaming , m y eyes i t ch ing , m y th roa t raw. P e o p l e s t o p p e d a n d stared, o r l a u g h e d , o r r an a l o n g bes ide us sc reaming .

C h u t r a f o u n d it imposs ib le s imply t o d o as I asked. I h a d to exp la in in m y s t ra ined a n d e x h a u s t e d H i n d i , i n m y s t ra ined a n d e x h a u s t e d vo ice , f rom t h e b o t t o m o f m y s t ra ined a n d exhaus t ed soul , why I w a n t e d h i m t o d o it . T h e n , o n c e I h a d go t t h e w o r d s ou t , c lumsi ly, foolishly, h e w o u l d cha l lenge w h a t I h a d said o r ask m e to exp la in again, so tha t e i t he r I w o u l d have t o s t ruggle over t h e t o p o f his wi l l a n d b a c k over t h e t o p o f m y e x h a u s t i o n o r let

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h i m d o as h e t h o u g h t best , w h i c h was usually r igh t , b u t s o m e ­t imes , infur ia t ingly , w r o n g because h e was incapab le o f t ak ing in a n y t h i n g new. H e h a d l ea rn t o n e w a y o f h a n d l i n g a came l , j u s t as his paren ts , g r andpa ren t s , ad infinitum h a d l ea rn t it a n d n o w w h e n t h e s i tua t ion cal led for s o m e t h i n g different tha t t r ad i t ion w o u l d a l low for n o i n n o v a t i o n .

I w a n t e d t w o th ings m o r e t h a n a n y t h i n g I'd ever w a n t e d . I w a n t e d C h u t r a t o g o away a n d this lud ic rous p ro jec t t o e n d . A t t h e n e x t S T D b o o t h I w o u l d r i n g N a r e n d r a a n d tell h i m I was c o n t i n u i n g a lone . B u t t h e t r u t h was tha t I c o u l d n o t d o this k i n d o f t ravel l ing a lone . It w o u l d b e necessary t o leave m y luggage t o feed t h e camels . T h e luggage w o u l d disappear . N o r c o u l d I t ie t h e camels u p s o m e w h e r e to m a k e a p h o n e call o r b u y f o o d for myse l f a n d e x p e c t t h e camels t o b e t h e r e t e n m i n u t e s later. T h i s was t h e reali ty. C h u t r a a n d I w e r e s tuck w i t h each o t h e r l ike b i n a r y stars. I k n e w this y e t it gave m e p leasure to i m a g i n e h i m d i sappear ing . T o i m a g i n e t h e w o r d i n g o f t h e l e t t e r t o t h e m a g a z i n e de sc r ib ing m y o w n d i sappearance . To i m a g i n e mysel f d i sappear ing .

W e lost t h e luggage again. W e s t rugg led t o g e t h e r w i t h t h e l o a d ­i n g — sweat ing , g r u n t i n g . I i n d i c a t e d h o w t h e w e i g h t s h o u l d b e rea l igned , h o w t h e luggage s h o u l d b e lashed. I said tha t t h e b o r a n e e d e d res t i tch ing . B u t I was t o o t i red n o w t o force t h e issue. To re ta in a s emb lance o f c o m p o s u r e I s w i t c h e d m o s t o f mysel f off — tha t s t range, e v e r - r e c u r r i n g necessi ty d u r i n g t h e last t w o years , o f c los ing d o w n vast landscapes , w h o l e c o n t i n e n t s , o f b ra in .

18

O n t h e t h i rd day w e p u l l e d in t o a roads ide dabar. I sat a n d d r o p p e d m y h e a d i n t o m y h a n d s . I n t h e blackness b e h i n d t h e m , I was c o m p o s i n g var ia t ions o n t h e t h e m e o f Chu t r a ' s d i sappearance . T h e rest o f m e was shu t d o w n . S o m e o n e a r r ived at m y table. I d id n o t raise m y eyes for a l o n g t ime . W h e n I d id , a y o u n g m a n i n a suit said i n Hing l i sh , 'I a m a R a i k a . I a m a t e ache r here. ' I m a n a g e d a smi le a n d v e n t u r e d tha t t e a c h i n g was an u n u s u a l profess ion for a n o m a d .

'Yes, m a d a m . B u t in this area w e have b e c o m e fa rmers . M a d a m , m a y I suggest tha t y o u s p e n d t o n i g h t o n Nag j i bhai 's farm? I wi l l o rgan ize this . Y o u n e e d rest. A n d Nag j i bha i wi l l b e able t o answer m a n y ques t ions r ega rd ing t h e R a i k a , i n fact a b o u t all t h e R a b a r i caste for h u n d r e d s o f mi les a r o u n d . H e is a k n o w l e d g e a b l e a n d i m p o r t a n t man . '

H a n g o n . A R a i k a t e a c h e r speak ing Engl ish? A n d this dabar. N o t t h e l o w roo fed l e a n - t o s filled w i t h spit a n d p a r i a h dogs a n d flies, b r e w i n g c h e m i c a l - s t r e n g t h tea o n lit t le m u d stoves in infernal hea t , b u t l a m i n e x tables a n d adver t i semen t s for K w a l i t y i c e - c r e a m . Civ i l iza t ion . Vets.

'You are so k i n d , sir. B u t I m u s t f ind a ve t 'Nag j i b h a i wi l l he lp y o u . N o w I wi l l give d i rec t ions t o y o u r

came l m a n . Please w r i t e we l l o f o u r caste. H e r e w e have b e e n ve ry fo r t una t e b u t e l sewhere . . . Wel l , y o u have seen for y o u r s e l f

H o p e . T h e d o g c o u l d r e c u p e r a t e at Nagji 's w h i l e I r es t i t ched t h e b o r a a n d o r g a n i z e d t h e load ing . T h e p rev ious t h r e e days c o u l d b e s u m m e d u p as a false start. E v e n t h e p o l i c e m a n o n t h e c o r n e r d e m a n d i n g m o n e y did n o t s u b d u e t h e cheerfulness o f h o p e . I refused to give h i m any th ing . I m e n t i o n e d t h e s u p e r i n t e n d e n t o f

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t h e Ra j a s than po l ice , a f r i end o f Na rend ra ' s , a n d w r o t e d o w n t h e constable 's n a m e o n a p i e c e o f paper . T h e cons tab le let us pass. A t this s h o w o f s t r eng th , C h u t r a was qu i t e bes ide h imse l f w i t h h a p p i ­ness. Scraps o f songs c a m e o u t o f his m o u t h as h e sk ipped a long , tw i r l i ng his st ick a n d t i p p i n g his t u r b a n t o passers-by. H e said, ' L o o k , M a d a m Sahib, tha t b i rd the re . N o , the re . Y o u see? ' a n d p o i n t e d to s o m e t h i n g fea the red s i t t ing o n a n o v e r h e a d w i r e .

It is easier t o be l ieve tha t o n e can c o n t r o l t h e c o u r s e o f events t h a n it is t o live w i t h t h e t h o u g h t tha t w e are t h e i m p o t e n t un fu r l -ings o f init ial states, t ha t even t h e se t t ing o f a d i r ec t i on o n w h i c h c h a n c e m i g h t o p e r a t e is itself an effect o f m u l t i t u d i n o u s p rev ious causes ly ing ou t s ide c o m p r e h e n s i o n , separate f rom wil l , themse lves r educ ib le t o inf ini te ly r e m o t e first causes. W e m u s t b e h a v e as if w e w e r e t h e agents o f o u t c o m e s , as if cha rac t e r c o n t a i n e d w i t h i n it a k e r n e l o f free wi l l , e n o u g h , at least, t o a l low us t o c h o o s e r i gh t o r left w h e n c o n f r o n t e d w i t h a fork in t h e road , yes o r n o w h e n p r e s e n t e d w i t h a m o r a l c h o i c e . If d e t e r m i n i s m rules , n o t h i n g can b e p r e d i c t e d because causes are t o o mul t i fa r ious ever t o grasp. If free wi l l ru les , t h e n w i l d cards e n t e r t h e p a c k at every ins tant . E i t h e r way, in m y w o r l d , t h e fu ture was u n f a t h o m a b l e .

B u t i n C h u t r a ' s k i n g d o m o f consc iousness t h e fu ture was in te l l i ­g ib le if o n e h a d t h e skills t o d e c i p h e r t h e codes o f synch ron i c i t y — t h e shaguns . If a par t i cu la r b i rd f lew f rom t h e left o f t h e road as w e m o v e d o u t o f c a m p , o r if a n o t h e r called f rom t h e r igh t , w e m u s t pause a few m i n u t e s so tha t w h a t e v e r b a d l u c k was w a i t i n g for us w o u l d miss us (and pe rhaps s tr ike s o m e o n e else?), as if avian angels w e r e forever rese t t ing t h e c locks o f c h a n c e . C h u t r a o b t a i n e d p r o o f o f t h e veraci ty o f these signs b y i g n o r i n g t h o s e w h i c h , in r e t r o ­spect , d id n o t fit i n t o t h e predic t ive s c h e m e o r b y exp l a in ing anoma l i e s as weaknesses in his o w n in te rp re ta t ive skills. F r o m his p o i n t o f view, t h e r e h a d b e e n clear ind ica t ions all t h e w a y a l o n g o f o u r b a d luck , w h i c h w e h a d i g n o r e d o u t o f i g n o r a n c e a n d t o o u r per i l .

Jus t as, now, t h e r e w e r e favourable shaguns l e a d i n g us t o Nag j i bha i , l ike stars u s h e r i n g k ings across Sinai . T h e sun set, c raypaz-p i n k . C o o l air waf ted f rom t h e i r r i ga t ed crops; dis tant wells p u m p e d like b l o o d pulses; m o n k e y s s tole f ood f rom t h e fields, t h e n leap t i n t o t h e trees bes ide us .

218

13- Hatti receiving the sacred water

1 4 . Nagji smoking

15- Resting on the way up to Ambadji

1 6 . Ambadji

1 7 . Jaivi

1 8 . Travelling

:4

2 0 . Zali

21 . The Little Rann of Kutch

2 2 . Chutra weeping

C h u t r a h o o t e d , b a r e d his t e e th , sc ra tched his r ibs . T h e m o n k e y s

j u m p e d d o w n from the i r pe rches , snar led at h i m , t h e n sprang i n t o

b r a n c h e s above us t o curse w i ld ly at such effrontery. W h e n

C h u t r a saw tha t I was l a u g h i n g , h e r e d o u b l e d his efforts un t i l w e

w e r e at w a r w i t h h u n d r e d s o f m o n k e y s . W e w a l k e d a l o n g for a

c o u p l e o f miles t h r o u g h a l ight as lovely as faded c r ê p e fo lded in

an o ld w o m a n ' s w a r d r o b e .

B y t h e t i m e w e r e a c h e d Nagji 's vil lage t h e w o r l d was q u i e t

b e n e a t h a gauze o f m o o n l i g h t . Buffalo w e r e t e t h e r e d a n d b r e a t h e d

w a r m air i n t o t h e n igh t . O u t s i d e h o u s e s o ld m e n sat silently, h o l d ­

i n g a g r e a t - g r a n d c h i l d o r w o r k i n g at s o m e craft b y t h e sh ine o f a

l amp . H e r e a n d t he re a da rke r b u n d l e a n d a gl int o f j e w e l l e r y .

D a r k n e s s t h r e w a c loak over m y s t rangeness , so tha t p e o p l e let m e

pass w i t h a n o d o r a softly called g ree t ing . H o u s e s , animals a n d

p e o p l e w e r e pa r t o f o n e h a r m o n i o u s l y i n t e g r a t e d th ing , l ike a

ca rpe t w o v e n b y gods w h o a lone c o u l d pe rce ive t h e p a t t e r n .

C o m e m o r n i n g t h e gods w o u l d unrave l t he i r w o r k , j u m b l i n g

its e l emen t s i n t o confus ion , mess . A n d t h e y w o u l d r ip away m y

cloak, e x p o s i n g m e t o t h e c r o w d . B u t , for t h e m o m e n t , t h e shuf­

fling camels , t h e s i l houe t t ed d o g , C h u t r a - s i lenced b y t i redness -

a n d myse l f w e r e pa r t o f t h e weave .

I h a d n o t b e e n able un t i l a s h o r t t i m e before t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e

I n d i a n hab i t o f s tar ing. I h a d b e e n w a n d e r i n g in t h e bazaars o f

M o u n t A b u a n d h a d seen a real freak. E v e n f r o m t h e o p p o s i t e e n d

o f t h e street , even w h e n a lmos t s u b m e r g e d b e n e a t h t h e swirl o f

p e o p l e , she was t h e c y n o s u r e o f all eyes, i n c l u d i n g m y o w n . She

w a n d e r e d t h r o u g h t h e bazaar u n a w a r e o f h e r m o n s t r o u s n e s s o r

pe rhaps i n u r e d t o it. She was pale , larval a n d p r o f o u n d l y o u t o f

p lace . She t o o h a d t r i ed to disguise herse l f i n k u r t a pajama, h a d

p u l l e d h e r ha i r b a c k as I h a d d o n e . S h e t o o w o r e t h e express ion I

k n e w I w o r e in t h e streets, a k i n d o f g r i m d e t e r m i n a t i o n to d e n y

b e i n g a E u r o p e a n , t o p r e t e n d tha t t h e p e o p l e w h o p o i n t e d , s tared

a n d l a u g h e d m u s t b e p o i n t i n g , s ta r ing a n d l a u g h i n g at s o m e b o d y

else.

I h a d real ized t h e n , w i t h an unp leasan t l i t t le shock , tha t n o

m a t t e r h o w d e e p m y iden t i f i ca t ion w i t h this c o u n t r y w e n t , I

w o u l d always b e seen as al ien. I w o u l d b e l ike t h e f o u r t h -

g e n e r a t i o n Japanese A m e r i c a n I k n e w w h o s e spir i t b r o k e w h e n

219

h e was a t e e n a g e r a n d real ized h e c o u l d n e v e r b e a c redib le C o u n t r y & W e s t e r n singer.

B y n o w I was c o a x i n g t h e d o g a long . H e s taggered s o m e t i m e s , w o u l d lean against m e , s t ruggle o n . I r o d e for a w h i l e , c a r r y i n g Za l i in front o f m e o n t h e saddle un t i l h e p l e a d e d so ha rd for his d ign i ty , I le t h i m d o w n . Even tua l ly in t h e darkness I, t o o , g o t d o w n . T h e d o g c a m e to lean against m y legs. 'Just a l i t t le fur ther , m y fr iend. T h e n y o u can rest as l o n g as y o u want . '

B u t it wasn ' t j u s t a little fur ther . T h e farms h e r e w e r e fertile. Y o u c o u l d smell p rospe r i t y as y o u

w a l k e d d o w n t h e lanes. T h e scent o f dense g r e e n g r o w t h , i r r i ga ­t i o n mis t , massive trees n o t b u t c h e r e d for the i r fodder , fa t tened , passive cattle. H o w c rue l t o b e so close t o safety, in t h e m i d s t o f such a b u n d a n c e , w h i l e life e k e d o u t o f a b o d y w i t h every step. Zal i , m o s t n o b l e representa t ive o f his species, d id n o t c o m p l a i n b u t k e p t o n , s o m e t i m e s t o u c h i n g his n o s e t o m y h a n d as if t o give reassurance as m u c h as seek it.

It was near ly m i d n i g h t w h e n w e r e a c h e d Nagji 's f a rm. A m o n g t h e faces l o o m i n g o u t o f t h e n igh t , a n d t h r o u g h t h e fog o f m y exhaus t i on , m y hos t was ins tant ly recognizab le . A u t h o r i t y r ad ia ted f rom h i m , t o u c h i n g a n d enfo ld ing all, i n t i m i d a t i n g a n d p r o t e c t i n g all. Y o u c o u l d lean t h e w e i g h t o f t h e w o r l d o n Nag j i a n d h e w o u l d n o t b e n d .

I b e g a n to u n l o a d t h e camels . H e c o m m a n d e d tha t I s top. W h a t was C h u t r a for, if n o t t o d o his j o b ? I was t o sit o n a c h a r p o i a n d rest. I sat. Tea was b r o u g h t b y w o m e n w h o s e e m e d to w a n t t o sh r i nk u n d e r t h e pat r iarch 's gaze. W i t h t h e no i se o f h u r r y i n g skirts, t hey van i shed b e h i n d t h e h o u s e . T h e offer o f f ood was refused b u t f ood c a m e anyway. Nag j i said, ' W h i l e y o u are he re , y o u d o n o t o p e n y o u r food box. ' I expressed m y g ra t i t ude as bes t I cou ld . T h e n , swa l lowing e m b a r r a s s m e n t at m a k i n g a r eques t after his k indness , I b r o u g h t u p t h e subject o f t h e d o g . D i d Nag j i have any ant ibiot ics? F r o m w h e r e a n d h o w s o o n c o u l d a ve t b e e n ­gaged? C o u l d o n e b e called n o w ? I was n o t q u i t e sure w h a t Nag j i said b u t eventua l ly it p e n e t r a t e d tha t n o t h i n g c o u l d b e d o n e t o ­n igh t , a n d n o t h i n g t o m o r r o w , it b e i n g Sunday . I t r i ed t o k e e p t h e despair off m y face b u t Nag j i l o w e r e d his O l d T e s t a m e n t h e a d a n d stared r i gh t t h r o u g h m e . ' I wi l l s end for a v e t t o m o r r o w . In t h e

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m e a n t i m e G o d wi l l b e k i n d , o r p e r h a p s n o t , b u t t he r e is n o t h i n g y o u can do. '

C h u t r a h a d b e e n t r y i n g t o b i g - n o t e h imse l f as usual . B u t h e ' d b e e n s i lenced b y a g lance . I felt a s t range pro tec t iveness towards h i m . C o u l d it b e tha t , i n spite o f m y w a n t i n g so despera te ly for h i m to vanish , t h e r e l u r k e d s o m e nascen t affection for h i m ? A t last, at a lull i n t h e conversa t ion , d u r i n g w h i c h I p r e p a r e d m y g o o d n i g h t pol i tenesses because I t h o u g h t I m i g h t i n c o n v e n i e n c e e v e r y o n e b y d y i n g if I c o u l d n ' t ge t h o r i z o n t a l , C h u t r a f o u n d his vo ice . H e s t o o d up , spread his a r m s w i d e t o ind ica te Nag j i , his family, his f a rm, a n d all t h e p e o p l e w h o h a d g a t h e r e d t o offer the i r hospi ta l i ty , a n d dec l a imed , ' M a d a m Sahib . All this I have fixed for you . '

I n t h e m o r n i n g I t o o k in m y s u r r o u n d i n g s . A n o p e n f a r m -scape o f h a r d p a c k e d w h i t e ea r th , swep t each day b y t h e w o m e n a n d shaded b y anc i en t t rees . T h r e e camels t e t h e r e d t o a g r o u n d p e g ; bes ide t h e m t w o bu l locks , sleek, g l eaming , e n o r m o u s , fit for Shiva t o r ide , n o s i n g at f resh-cut l u c e r n e . T h e r e w e r e t h a t c h -roofed stables a n d piles o f hay t h e size o f h u t s . W h e r e dark roots p e n e t r a t e d t h e soil, cha rpo i s w e r e s tacked. A w h i t e w a s h e d v e r a n ­d a h c o n t a i n e d bags o f w h e a t a n d we l l - o i l ed harnesses . B o r d e r i n g t h e acre o f w h i t e n e s s a n d shade, b l u e fields bu r s t w i t h crops . To t h e I n d i a n rura l aesthet ic , this was paradise . H e r e was secur i ty . H e r e o n e w o u l d n o t g o h u n g r y . O u t the re , b e y o n d t h e fence, b e y o n d t h e vil lage c o m p o u n d , w e r e band i t s , w i l d beasts, lawless­ness, danger , hardships a n d dea th . W h a t e v e r b e a u t y was in t h e w o r l d b e l o n g e d t o t h e villages, t o domes t i c i t y , n e v e r t o j u n g l e w h e r e m a n was r e d u c e d t o p r e d a t o r a n d prey .

O n e o f Nagji 's daugh te r s , h a v i n g swep t t h e c o m p o u n d , was n o w waf t ing incense a n d b u r n i n g coal a r o u n d t h e f a r m t o w a r d off d i r t o f a n o t h e r order . She sho t a sideways smi le at m e , passed t h e incense over Zal i , t h e n i n d i c a t e d tea. I was t o fo l low her .

Nag j i h a d e igh t ch i ld ren , six girls a n d t w o boys . H i s wife was away, v is i t ing h e r family, b u t t h e oldes t daugh te r , a w o m a n in h e r twen t i e s , l ed m e i n t o t h e l iv ing qua r t e r s t h r o u g h a small w o o d e n d o o r c u t h i g h in t h e wal l , w h i c h was b o l t e d b e h i n d m e . It was l ike e n t e r i n g a cage full o f parakee ts . Six w o m e n w e r e u p o n m e , asking ques t ions , all at o n c e , i n t h e local dialect , each o u t d o i n g t h e o the r ,

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o n e pu l l ing m e o n e w a y to see s o m e t h i n g , a n o t h e r p u l l i n g m e t h e o t h e r — all o f t h e m l a u g h i n g a n d l o o k i n g i n t o m y face w i t h w o n d e r . I was in a small c o u r t y a r d w h e r e t h e animals w e r e k e p t at n igh t . To t h e r i g h t was a d o o r l ead ing t o a l o n g r o o m . To t h e left, a t iny c e m e n t cubic le , t h e k i t c h e n .

T h e y p u s h e d m e i n t o t h e l o n g r o o m w h e r e e v e r y o n e slept a n d in w h i c h t h e w o m e n l ived w h e n t h e y w e r e n ' t w o r k i n g , s u p e r ­vised, i n t h e fields o r c o o k i n g in t h e swe a t -b ox . T h e r o o m was da rk a n d coo l . In o n e c o r n e r , i l l u m i n a t e d b y t h e on ly w i n d o w , w e r e s o m e large clay matk i s full o f w a t e r a n d a small pu ja s tand. I was t o have a b a t h , it s e e m e d . A t t h e o p p o s i t e e n d o f t h e r o o m , a l o n g t h e wall , w e r e rows o f brass a n d stainless steel c o o k i n g u t e n ­sils w h i c h h a d b e e n po l i shed w i t h m u d un t i l t h e y c o u l d ca tch t h e faintest fall o f l igh t - a visual effect w h i c h , if t ransla ted i n t o s o u n d , w o u l d b e an o r g a n s t o p p e d at basso p r o f o n d o . H a n d - s t i t c h e d quil ts w e r e fo lded a long o n e wall ; cha rpo i s w e r e s tacked against t h e oppos i t e o n e .

T h e w o m e n i n d i c a t e d t h e water , gave m e a l o w w o o d e n s tool , h a n d e d m e s o m e soap a n d sat i n a semi-c i rc le as if w a i t i n g for t h e cu r t a in t o g o up . I h a d b e e n to ld tha t o n e s h o u l d n o t display one 's fanny, even t o o t h e r w o m e n , so I b a r e d m y breasts, w r a p p e d t h e t owe l c lumsi ly a r o u n d m y waist , d r o p p e d m y pajama, p l aced soap a n d matk is o n t h e s tand a n d squa t ted . S u p ­pressed giggles. O l d e s t d a u g h t e r h a n d e d m e a l u n g i (sarong) a n d b a d e m e sit o n t h e s tool t o have m y w a s h a n d p u t t h e m a t k i at m y feet. T h e l u n g i d id n o t qu i t e cover m y p u b i c ha i r so, o n c e again, awkwardnes s c r i pp l ed every m o v e m e n t . T h e y w a t c h e d , fas­c ina ted , as I b a t h e d .

O n c e tha t was over, I was inv i t ed t o sit w i t h t h e m i n t h e k i t c h e n w h i l e t h e y p r e p a r e d food . T h e r e was n o c h i m n e y a n d s m o k e filled t h e r o o m . Par t o f it was o p e n to t h e sky, so tha t a w e d g e o f sca ld ing l ight fell i n t o t h e g l o o m . H o w c o u l d t h e y b e a r this i n s u m m e r ? H o w c o u l d t hey possibly b e a r t o sit in this b o x in fo r ty - f ive -degree hea t , b e n d i n g over fire w i t h n o air t o b r e a t h e , h o u r after h o u r , p o u n d i n g d o u g h , b o i l i n g tea? W h a t w e r e t h e y m a d e o f tha t t h e y c o u l d e n d u r e t o r t u r e w i t h o u t co mp la in t ? A l ­ready I felt n u m b e d by t h e hea t a n d t h e s m o k e , queasy in t h e s t o m a c h . A n d ye t , years before , I h a d l ived in a s t o n e r u i n w i t h

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half a roof, w h i c h I shared w i t h snakes a n d fig t rees, a n d it was so h o t tha t cheese m e l t e d d o w n off t h e shelves a n d candles d i sap ­p e a r e d i n t o p u d d l e s w i t h o u t b e i n g lit. A n d associated w i t h tha t t i m e a n d place , t h e r e is n o t o n e m e m o r y o f a m o m e n t o f d i scomfor t .

All t h e sisters w e r e l i terate b u t o n l y o n e s p o k e H i n d i . She d id t h e t ransla t ing. T h e y r e p e a t e d ques t ions over a n d over, l o u d e r a n d l oude r , c loser a n d closer. T h e fire was crackl ing . Heav i ly sp iced a n d o i l ed food was forced o n m e , w h i c h I a te t o please t h e m b u t felt ill. Gui l t i ly I t o o k s o m e o f m y q u o t a o u t t o t h e d o g . T h e w o m e n l o o k e d at each o the r . Was te this h igh-class gues t f ood o n a d o g w h i c h wil l d ie anyway? Zal i sniffed at t h e food , l o o k e d at m e a n d lay d o w n , l eav ing it u n t o u c h e d .

B a c k in t h e k i t c h e n t h e ladies w h i s p e r e d toge the r , t h e n asked m e h o w m u c h I pa id C h u t r a . I guessed i m m e d i a t e l y tha t h e h a d b e e n sk i t ing t o t h e m , so I inc reased t h e a m o u n t b y a th i rd . T h e o l d e r w o m a n t u r n e d t r i u m p h a n t l y t o h e r sisters a n d said, ' I t o ld y o u so! ' Silly C h u t r a h a d exagge ra t ed so w i ld ly tha t on ly an id io t c o u l d have be l i eved h i m .

S u d d e n l y t h e r e c a m e t h e s o u n d o f t h e t read o f t h e pa t r i a rch . N o t so m u c h an aviary now, m o r e a h e n - h o u s e w h e n a h a w k flies over. T h e w o m e n scat tered to t h e four c o r n e r s o r c o n c e n t r a t e d o n w h a t t hey w e r e d o i n g w i t h f rozen a t t en t i on . H e c a m e in a n d g l o w e r e d at t h e m . T h e y d id n o t l o o k up .

'You have n o t g iven h e r e n o u g h to eat,' h e b e l l o w e d , g r a b b i n g a p la te a n d lad l ing y e t m o r e g h e e o n to a chapa t i .

' N o , really,' I said, ' I c a n n o t eat so m u c h . T h e y have fed m e t o o wel l . T o o well . ' I g r a b b e d m y s t o m a c h a n d g r o a n e d .

Nag j i h a r r u m p h e d a n d cast o n e m o r e t h r e a t e n i n g l o o k over his flock before o p e n i n g t h e d o o r . ' C o m e to t h e front,' h e said t o m e , ' w h e n y o u are ready. '

T h e m o m e n t h e left, t h e w o m e n flew b a c k t o m e l ike n a u g h t y schoolgi r l s .

I a lmos t always p re fe r red b e i n g w i t h w o m e n b u t Nagji 's d a u g h ­ters e x h a u s t e d m e . O n e o f t h e effects o f b e i n g l o c k e d ins ide a r o o m all y o u r life is tha t t h e abili ty t o i m a g i n e ano ther ' s state is a t roph i ed . T h e y c o u l d n o t grasp w h a t effort it r e q u i r e d to c o m m u ­nica te w i t h six p e o p l e w i t h o u t t h e w o r d s to d o it in . A n d it upse t

m e t o see h o w far t hey h a d fallen in so sho r t a t ime , a fall d i rec t ly re la ted to t h e family's r ise i n fo r tunes . C o n f o r m i n g to t h e m o r e r i g id t rad i t ions such as l o c k i n g u p w o m e n is a p r iv i l ege o n l y t h e u p w a r d l y m o b i l e can afford.

N o t tha t t h e w o m e n m o u r n e d the i r loss. H o w c o u l d they? T h e y h a d n o t h i n g w i t h w h i c h t o c o m p a r e t he i r lives. A n d if y o u asked t h e m , t h e y w o u l d f ind n o t h i n g miss ing because , after all, wasn ' t t he i r fa ther an i m p o r t a n t m a n ? D i d n ' t h e p r o v i d e wel l for t h e m ? H a d n ' t h e f o u n d t h e m h u s b a n d s f rom g o o d families? H a d n ' t h e m a r r i e d t h e m off o n t h e same day a n d p r o v i d e d a b i g feast for t h e occas ion? Wasn ' t t he i r l i tde b r o t h e r b e i n g e d u c a t e d at an E n g l i s h - m e d i u m schoo l i n dis tant M o u n t A b u ? So w h a t if t hey c o u l d n o t v e n t u r e o n the i r o w n t o t h e front o f t h e h o u s e and , if a n y o n e c a m e , m u s t flee g igg l ing to t h e shadows o r h i d e in t he i r l o n g cell, l ike m o l e s .

B u t I c o u l d c o m p a r e t h e m w i t h t h e w o m e n o f K u t c h w h o s e m e n l o o k e d at t h e m w i t h affection, respec t a n d n o t a little awe, w h o c o u l d s t r ide o u t a n d l a u g h w i t h the i r heads t h r o w n back , crack j o k e s a n d sing, hagg le w i t h t h e s h o p wallahs, a n d fight w i t h the i r slings bes ide the i r m e n . I missed those w o m e n . Missed t h e space in the i r souls. A n d I l o n g e d to leave t h e k i t c h e n n o w for t h e o p e n n e s s o f t h e front c o m p o u n d .

O n e o f t h e y o u n g e r girls c a m e flying t h r o u g h t h e d o o r , b r e a t h ­less. ' M a has c o m e ! M a has c o m e ! ' T h e w o m e n rose as o n e . T h e i r faces h a d b e e n t r ans fo rmed . G o n e was a n y coarseness . O n l y love was in t h e m , sh in ing f rom t h e m . A l u m p c a m e t o m y th roa t a n d I h a d to eat s o m e t h i n g t o k e e p it d o w n . T h e i r m o t h e r h a d b e e n away j u s t t w o days, y e t it was as if she h a d r e t u r n e d f rom a d e c a d e o f travel. T h e daugh te r s pressed a r o u n d her , c o o e d to her , kissed h e r hands , h u g g e d her , t o u c h e d h e r hair. T h e y a d o r e d h e r w i t h a pass ion I h a d n e v e r be fore seen expressed w i t h such in tens i ty b e t w e e n m o t h e r a n d d a u g h t e r s . It was as if, i n t he i r i m p r i s o n m e n t ins ide t h e l o n g r o o m , t h e y h a d g r o w n i n t o o n e a n o t h e r , f o r m i n g o n e o rgan i sm. I d id n o t d iscover Ma ' s h i s to ry b u t I suspect she h a d h a d a relatively free life before h e r m a r r i a g e . T h e air o f e m p t y spaces still l i nge red a r o u n d her . H o w awful it m u s t have b e e n to b e t r a p p e d in tha t r o o m o r w a t c h e d every s e c o n d as she l a b o u r e d in t h e fields. H o w deep ly she m u s t have n e e d e d t h e t e n d e r n e s s o f t hose daugh te r s .

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I n t h e p r e s e n c e o f t he i r b e l o v e d M a , I b e c a m e invisible a n d c o u l d slip away t o t h e front o f t h e h o u s e , t o t h e w o r l d o f m e n .

W h e t h e r t h e y c a m e o n foot o r i n po l i shed Ambassado r s , t h e s t r eam o f guests sat be fore Nag j i l ike suppl icants . C h a r p o i s w o u l d b e b r o u g h t , trays o f w a t e r glasses, s o m e t i m e s tea. I c o u l d n o t fo l low the i r conver sa t ion b u t t h e exercise o f p o w e r was u n m i s t a k ­able. Nag j i was r i ch , h e was o n t h e local counc i l , even t h e s a rpanch was deferent ial .

A n o ld R a b a r i a r r ived , a ske le ton in rags l ike all t ravel l ing pas tor¬ alists i n this area. H e was so shy, h e h i d his smi le b e h i n d t h e r u g h e w o r e w h e n I asked if h e w e r e a m u k k i . Nag j i t o ld m e tha t h e was t h e m u k k i o f a g r o u p o f p e o p l e f rom Si rohi area — goa t a n d sheep he rde r s . Nag j i h a d c o n v i n c e d t h e village tha t these p e o p l e s h o u l d b e a l lowed t o g raze t he i r animals for several m o n t h s o f t h e yea r o n t h e c o m m u n a l l y h e l d lands . It was q u i t e c o m m o n for villages t o lease o u t these areas t o pastoralists b u t usual ly at e x o r b i t ­an t rates.

H a d it n o t b e e n for Nag j i , t hey w o u l d have h a d t o pay a n y t h i n g u p t o t w e n t y t h o u s a n d r u p e e s t o stay he re . As it was , t h e y pa id o n l y a t h o u s a n d p e r yea r t o t h e vil lage, t h e n ind iv idua l ly t o local f a rmers for g raz ing r igh t s . Usua l ly Nag j i gave this o ld m a n his grass for free b u t this yea r t he r e h a d b e e n ve ry lit t le rain. ' I t is a h a r d yea r for e v e r y o n e . I c a n n o t g ive away m y grass.'

W h e n I asked if these p e o p l e go t any d r o u g h t rel ief f rom t h e g o v e r n m e n t , Nag j i said, ' I a m his rel ief a n d h e is m y relief. It is l ike tha t . W e are t h e same j aa t ( c o m m u n i t y ) . H e r e , G o d is k i n d . T h e r e is g o o d soil, g o o d rain. W h e r e h e c o m e s f rom, if t h e r e is n o rain, t h e n t h e r e is n o food . All day t h e r e is t roub le for h i m f r o m t h e l a n d o w n e r s , all n i g h t f r o m t h e th ieves . H e m u s t pa t ro l b y n i g h t a n d w a l k b y day. F o r h i m the re is t o o m u c h t r o u b l e a n d t o o m u c h danger. '

Nagji 's g r and fa the r h a d a r r ived in this area w h e n t h e b i g d r o u g h t d e c i m a t e d Ra ja s than . It was at t h e t i m e w h e n l and was b e i n g r ed i s t r ibu ted a n d m a d e available t o t h e o r d i n a r y m a n . B u t m o s t R a b a r i s h a d n o t t a k e n advan tage o f it, pa r t ly because t h e caste counc i l s pena l i zed m e m b e r s w h o gave u p t rad i t iona l ways o f life. H e said, ' M y g randfa the r was wise . H e saw in t o t h e fu ture a n d sold his camels a n d sheep a n d b o u g h t this l and . W e are a ve ry

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s t rong caste, a gypsy caste. M y p e o p l e have b e e n i n Ind ia so l o n g n o o n e can r e m e m b e r o r m e a s u r e t h e t i m e . D i d y o u k n o w tha t gypsies c a m e f rom Austral ia t o p o p u l a t e this c o u n t r y ? ' I said tha t I d id n o t k n o w .

A t a little pause in o u r conversa t ion , I c leared m y th roa t a n d said, 'Nag j i , y o u m e n t i o n e d tha t a ve t w o u l d b e called. W h e n wil l h e c o m e ? '

Nag j i l o o k e d at m e a l o n g t i m e f rom b e n e a t h his b r o w s . ' T h e ve t c o u l d n o t b e f o u n d today . H e wi l l c o m e t o m o r r o w . ' In m y mind ' s eye I saw t h e dog's life flicker o u t in t h e n i g h t a n d was o v e r c o m e b y such a sense o f i m p o t e n c e tha t it was imposs ib le t o k e e p it f rom reg i s t e r ing o n m y face. I t u r n e d away, so Nag j i w o u l d n o t r ead w h a t was the re .

T h e n e x t day was lost t o m e . I w a t c h e d t h e d o g dy ing . I f o u g h t w i t h C h u t r a over res t i t ch ing t h e b o r a un t i l Nagj i i n t e r v e n e d a n d to ld C h u t r a tha t I was r i g h t a n d h e was w r o n g . C h u t r a sulked. A n d still t h e ve t d id n o t c o m e . I fret ted over t h e d o g a n d t r i e d t o h i d e m y sen t imen ta l i t y f r o m t h e w o m e n . T h e y c o u l d n o t see w h y I s h o u l d was te m o n e y o n a d o g . H e was replaceable - any d o g w o u l d w a r n m e o f danger . B u t Za l i was n o t any d o g , h e was my d o g .

A t n i g h t I d rove to t o w n w i t h t h e s a r p a n c h to ask N a r e n d r a t o please send r e p l a c e m e n t s for C h u t r a . A d o z e n m e n w a t c h e d m y face as I s h o u t e d i n t o t h e p h o n e . Yes, c a m e his vo i ce b r i t t l e w i t h static, h e w o u l d s e n d K o j u in t h e j e e p a n d t ry t o f ind m e a c o u p l e o f o t h e r c ame l m e n . T h e fo l lowing m o r n i n g t h e ve t c a m e a n d in jec ted Zal i t w i c e in t h e n e c k . B u t t h e d o g c o u l d n o t s tand u p ; i t was surely t o o late.

Nag j i was a m a n used t o i m p o s i n g his wi l l o n o the r s . O n e t r i ck h e h a d for g a i n i n g c o n t r o l was to m a k e a s t a t e m e n t w h i c h d id n o t m a k e sense un t i l s o m e t h i n g was a d d e d to it. H e w o u l d m a k e his p r o n o u n c e m e n t , t h e n wai t , g la r ing at y o u for as l o n g as it t o o k for y o u t o d r o p y o u r eyes, c o n c e d e defeat a n d say, 'Yes, please g o o n . . .'

T h a t n i g h t h e said, ' W h a t is i t ' — I wa i t ed , d r o p p e d m y eyes be fore his, a n d said, ' H a n j i , b o l i e ' — ' y o u t h i n k a b o u t tha t gives y o u so m u c h tens ion? Y o u t h i n k t o o m u c h . '

I l a u g h e d . 'Wel l , pa r t ly it's m y hab i t a n d par t ly it's m y . . . wo rk . '

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T h e eyes p i e r c e d a n d I h a d n o c h o i c e b u t t o v e n t u r e fur ther . ' B u t , also, I t h i n k a b o u t t h e p r o b l e m s I face a n d h o w best t o deal w i t h t h e m . It is difficult for m e for t w o m a i n reasons . O n e is tha t I c a n n o t really talk. S p e a k i n g in a l anguage I d o n ' t k n o w , s t rugg l ing to u n d e r s t a n d a n d to express, takes grea t m e n t a l effort. T h e r e are of ten m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g s w h i c h I have to let g o because I c a n n o t speak p rope r ly . W h e n y o u can ' t express yourself , especially w h e n t h e r e are difficulties tha t r equ i r e q u i c k ac t ion , a k i n d o f pressure bui lds u p in t h e m i n d a n d t h e r e is n o w a y t o release it. So tha t m a k e s m e w o r r y at n igh t , for e x a m p l e , a n d lack o f sleep adds t o m y a p p e a r a n c e o f t ens ion . It is l ike b e i n g dea f o r b l ind , y e t h a v i n g t o react as if y o u w e r e n o t .

' S e c o n d l y (here I t o o k a r isk) , i n m y c o u n t r y p e o p l e s p e n d t i m e b y themse lves . W e are u sed to it. I, for e x a m p l e , s p e n d m o s t o f m y day a lone , s o m e t i m e s days, even w e e k s , o n m y o w n . It is m y prefer ­ence . E v e n in families m o s t o f us have r o o m s t o g o w h e r e w e can b e pr iva te . H e r e , t h e o p p o s i t e is t r ue . Y o u are n e v e r a lone a n d this is y o u r p re fe rence . B u t for m e this is ve ry ve ry hard . Also it's w o r s e t h a n it m i g h t b e because p e o p l e cons tan t ly ga the r a r o u n d m e , so t h e r e is n e v e r any peace . T h e y d o n o t let m e sleep o r rest o r eat o r even g o to t h e la t r ine w i t h o u t fo l lowing a n d look ing . '

T h e s t range t h i n g a b o u t l e a r n i n g a l anguage is tha t s o m e t i m e s o n e achieves w h a t a lmos t a m o u n t s t o fluency. T h e h o m u n c u l u s seems to r e m e m b e r w h e r e to g o in t h e stacks. B u t even t h e n , a n d especially if t h e conve r sa t ion is at a m o r e in t ense level t h a n usual , it is heavy w o r k , i n t e r r u p t e d b y t h e n e e d to f ind a w a y o f exp l a in ­i n g abstract c o n c e p t s u s i n g s imple w o r d s or, i f t h e w o r d s are n o t t he re , t h e n us ing m i m e . W h e n I c o u l d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d s o m e t h i n g Nag j i said, I w o u l d l o o k to C h u t r a for assistance, w h i c h was s t range g iven tha t Nag j i spoke b e t t e r H i n d i t h a n C h u t r a . B u t b y n o w C h u t r a a n d I h a d d e v e l o p e d a k i n d o f m o r o n i c l anguage o f o u r o w n . P o o r C h u t r a , b o t h Nag j i a n d I go t cross w i t h h i m w h e n h e c o u l d n ' t t ranslate b u t h e t e n d e d t o l a b o u r t h e obv ious a n d gal lop t h r o u g h t h e difficult. Neve r the l e s s t h e conver sa t ion p r o ­c e e d e d , s o m e t i m e s at a b r o k e n t rot , s o m e t i m e s at a crawl , s o m e ­t imes c i rc l ing b a c k o n itself t o re t r ieve a m e a n i n g , b u t p r o c e e d i n g .

'Yes,' Nag j i r u b b e d his ch in though t fu l ly , ' t h e pub l i c h e r e is ve ry bad . A n d y o u are a w o m a n , so it is w o r s e . T h e y t h i n k o f y o u

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as a s ta tue, a perfect w h i t e s tatue. B u t all w o m e n h e r e are t r ea ted bad ly . M y wife , for e x a m p l e , c a n n o t g o o u t o n h e r o w n , ever . . .'

I expressed m y surpr i se . ' N o , never . If she w e n t o u t a lone , t h e w h o l e w o r l d w o u l d say

w h a t , w h o , how, a n d t hey w o u l d tear h e r j e w e l l e r y a n d bea t her. ' H e m i m e d b e i n g h i t across t h e face. T h e sub t ex t o f t h e conversa ­tion m o v e d o n to rape . C h u t r a said t w e n t y p e r c e n t o f m e n w e r e b a d m e n a n d tha t M a d a m Sahib was v e r y t rus t ing a n d i n n o c e n t .

Nag j i said, ' N o n s e n s e , e igh ty p e r c e n t are b a d a n d all are thieves. ' T h e n h e t u r n e d to m e a n d said, ' I t is ve ry ve ry d a n g e r o u s for y o u . Y o u m u s t t ry t o unde r s t and . ' H e f u r r o w e d his fo rehead a n d j u t t e d his h e a d forward like a bul l .

' I d o u n d e r s t a n d , Nag j i bha i , a n d I apprec ia te y o u r c o n c e r n , b u t this is m y w o r k . W e all m u s t w o r k a n d s o m e t i m e s it is d a n g e r o u s . It is t r u e tha t I m i g h t m e e t w i t h t r oub l e b u t it is also t r u e tha t I f ind p e o p l e l ike y o u m o r e of ten t h a n I f ind b a d p e o p l e . E x c e p t t h e po l ice . T h e y are always bad. '

Nag j i said, 'You m u s t p u t tha t i n y o u r s to ry . E v e r y o n e is a n g r y tha t t h e po l i ce are c o r r u p t . A n d tha t t h e p o o r m a n can f ind n o jus t ice . '

I said tha t I cer ta in ly w o u l d b u t d o u b t e d tha t it w o u l d m a k e any difference.

A n d so t h e conve r sa t ion w e n t o n , e n d i n g , at last, i n t h e l a b y r i n ­t h i n e pol i tenesses c o n c e r n i n g h o w l o n g I was t o stay. I said I s h o u l d leave t h e fo l lowing day. Nag j i said t e n days. Even tua l ly , a n d r a the r m o r e qu ick ly n o w tha t w e h a d b e e n so frank w i t h e a c h o the r , a sensible so lu t i on was r eached . I w o u l d b e t aken t o t h e Si rohi R a b a r i w h o w e r e c a m p e d b y Nagji 's wel l . I c o u l d s p e n d as l o n g as I l iked t h e r e and , w h e n t h e d o g was wel l e n o u g h , leave f rom t h e r e for t h e forest areas o f t h e Aravallis, t h r o u g h w h i c h m a n y R a b a r i villages a n d dangs w e r e scat tered.

W e h a d b e e n ta lk ing for over a n h o u r a n d w e w e r e s t ra ined b y it. C h u t r a chose this m o m e n t t o m a k e a l o n g speech . O n t o p o f t h e effort o f convers ing , t h e a c c u m u l a t i o n o f t h e day's w o r r i e s a n d m y o w n physical weakness , h e p l aced t h e last straw. I g r a b b e d m y h e a d a n d col lapsed o n t h e c h a r p o i w i t h a g r o a n . A t w h i c h , Nag j i let o u t a H o n s roa r o f l a u g h t e r a n d said, 'S leep now. T o m o r r o w y o u wil l have peace. '

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Before sunr i se t h e n e x t m o r n i n g , I f o u n d mysel f p e r c h e d b e h i n d Nag j i o n a v e r y f ine car t p u l l e d b y t w o e n o r m o u s o x e n w i t h b l u e h o r n s — a f o r m o f t r anspo r t o r i g i n a t i n g in t h e s teppes app rox ima te ly five t h o u s a n d years ago. I k n e w m y f r iend was s h o w i n g off as h e lifted the i r tails, m a k i n g t h e m g o faster, display­i n g the i r f o r m , the i r s t r eng th — adjuncts t o his o w n p o t e n c y a n d p o w e r .

'You s h o u l d have c h o s e n a b u l l o c k cart, ' h e said. 'Bu l locks eat a n y t h i n g a n d can g o a n y w h e r e , m u c h b e t t e r t h a n camels , a n d y o u c o u l d have h a d s o m e comfor t . ' W e t h u n d e r e d a l o n g bes ide a r ive r ­b e d , shaded , coo l . Za l i h a d surv ived t h e n igh t .

T h e fu r the r w e m o v e d towards t h e R a b a r i c a m p , t h e m o r e desola te t h e t e r ra in b e c a m e . A t h o u s a n d sheep a n d goats w e r e h e l d o n 250 acres. A few shepherds w h o m y o u c o u l d mis take for s tones h a d t hey n o t b e e n t o p p e d b y tu rbans sat mo t ion l e s s u n d e r t h e sun . T h e trees, t o o - w h a t w e r e left o f t h e m — l o o k e d p o s t -nuclear , w i t h j u s t a t iny tuft o f leaf left h e r e a n d the re .

' T h i s area used t o b e ve ry dangerous , ' said Nag j i . 'Th i eves l ived h e r e a n d w i l d animals . B u t n o w tha t I have s u n k t h e well, ' h e smi led a n d t a p p e d his h e a d , ' t h e thieves have h a d to go. T h e y are afraid o f me . '

T h e c a m p itself was a co l l ec t ion o f grass h u t s l i ned u p a l o n g a fence b e n e a t h Nagji 's wel l . B e h i n d t h e m w e r e grass pens w h i c h w o u l d h o l d t h e animals at n igh t . A w o m a n ca r r i ed a h u g e b u n d l e o f l o p p e d t ree o n h e r head . T h i s yea r t he r e w e r e app rox ima te ly fifty p e o p l e f rom several different villages, all re la ted.

Nag j i h a d h a d flowers p l a n t e d a r o u n d his we l l - busy Lizzies a n d mar igo lds . T h e R a b a r i t o o k off the i r shoes w h e n t hey used it as a sign o f respect a n d g ra t i t ude to h i m .

H e s h o w e d m e ins ide a h u t — a c u b b y - h o u s e m a d e o f sticks a n d c l u m p s o f r o l y - p o l y grass. T h e ea r th floor h a d b e e n swept so c lean it was a lmos t po l i shed . A t t a c h e d at t h e b a c k was a s t raw r o o m w i t h a s t raw floor, t h e size o f a d o u b l e b e d . T h i s was w h e r e t h e m o t h e r a n d fa ther slept. It was t h e h o u s e o f t h e first o f t h e t h r ee li t t le pigs . Yet even this p o v e r t y was t r a n s f o r m e d b y a v e n e r a t i o n for b e a u t y . E v e r y t h i n g was nea t a n d pre t t i ly m a d e . Nag j i t o ld m e tha t t h e p e o p l e w e r e infested w i t h fleas and lice b u t t h e i m p r e s ­s ion these h u t s gave was o f cleanliness a n d order . A g o r g e o u s

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w o m a n - sexy snaggle t e e t h a n d l o n g - b o n e d graci l i ty — g l ided over t o us w i t h tea. T h e r e w e r e b o n e m a r r i a g e bangles r i g h t u p to h e r a rmp i t s , e igh t yards o f c lo th in h e r skirt w h i c h was red, red, red . W h e n I r e t u r n e d t h e cup , she g r a b b e d m y h a n d a n d p u l l e d m e d o w n bes ide her . She t o ld m e tha t o n the i r w a y d o w n h e r e , t h e y s t o p p e d n e a r t h e foo t o f M o u n t A b u a n d e a c h day c a r r i e d u p the i r m i l k t h r o u g h t h e j u n g l e t o t h e t ou r i s t ho te l s at t h e t op . T e n miles s t raight up , at t h e m e r c y o f bears , l eopards a n d t igers . S h e l a u g h e d a n d said tha t , yes , it was ve ry dan ge ro us b u t w h a t t o do? She m i m e d c a r r y i n g t h e deghras (milk cans) o n h e r h e a d , swaying h e r h ips .

As usual t h e m e n were , b y c o m p a r i s o n , as p la in as p lanks b u t t h e y t o o , w h e n t h e y o v e r c a m e an a lmos t autist ic shyness, w e r e wi l l ing t o talk. B e c a u s e o f d r o u g h t a n d lack o f feed, this year 's w o o l was sho r t a n d ve ry coarse . It w o u l d n o t b r i n g in m u c h m o n e y . Al ready t h e p e o p l e a n d animals w e r e th in . If t he r e w e r e n o ra in again n e x t year , m o s t o f t h e h e r d w o u l d d ie a n d s o m e o f t h e p e o p l e .

W h e n I h a d i n s p e c t e d t h e c a m p and asked m y ques t ions , it was t i m e for Nag j i t o i m p l e m e n t his Idea . H e o r d e r e d t h r e e b lack g o a t - h a i r ma t s for m e t o sit o n a n d food t o eat ( rancid goa t mi lk a n d d r y rot i ) . H e h imse l f sat o n a n o t h e r m a t app rox ima te ly fifteen yards away. W h e n I was sett led, a s h e p h e r d b r o u g h t a handfu l o f mar igo lds w h i c h h e s t rewed a r o u n d m e , t h e n b a c k e d away. A w o m a n b r o u g h t i ncense a n d p l aced it bes ide m e . A n o t h e r b r o u g h t water .

I w a n t e d to r u n over t o t h e pa t r i a rch a n d t h a n k h i m for his largeness o f spiri t , his effort o f e m p a t h y . Ins tead I sat o n m y m a t , s u r r o u n d e d b y mar igo lds , n o t e b o o k s , goa t d r o p p i n g s a n d incense , b y h u t s tha t k e p t o u t n e i t h e r dus t n o r w i n d n o r rats n o r even sun , b y sc rawny, t o t t e r i n g sheep , b y donkeys , heads h u n g l o w a n d r ibs l ike washboa rds , w h i l e fifteen yards away Nag j i ac t ed as g u a r d a n d fifty p e o p l e , smi l ing , a n d w i t h silent respect , w a t c h e d t h e w h i t e gues t b e i n g a lone .

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C h u t r a h a d t w o topics o f conver sa t ion — n o t h i n g a n d h imse l f — a n d h e ta lked w i t h o u t cease a b o u t b o t h . It was possible t o t u n e o u t m u c h o f t h e p a n d e m o n i u m — t h e cars, buses , r i ckshaws , rad ios , g h e t t o blasters, loudspeakers a n d t r u c k h o r n s p lay ing t u b a t unes — b u t C h u t r a ' s vo i ce d r i p p e d u p o n m y consc iousness l ike C h i n e s e w a t e r t o r t u r e . H e w o u l d clear his sinus passages w i t h a s o u n d l ike a nea rby avalanche, spit t h e c o n t e n t s t o o n e side w i t h a flourish and , if t he r e w e r e n o v ic t ims o n t h e road to h a r a n g u e , w o u l d t u r n his a t t e n t i o n to m e .

' M a d a m Saaaahib . . . it . . . iss . . . w h a a a t . . . taaa i im? ' If I d id n o t r e s p o n d , h e w o u l d w a l k bes ide m e t o s h o u t i n m y ear. ' I t is whaaat taaai im? It . . . is . . . t h i r ty . . . min i t s . . . o f . . . t h r e e . . . t e e n bajje t eez mini t . ' T h i s h e w o u l d yel l several t imes a n d p o i n t t o his o w n w a t c h .

' T e e n bajje t eez m i n i t . T h a n k y o u , Chu t r a , ' I w o u l d w h i s p e r a n d pul l m y lips b a c k f rom m y t ee th . R e l i e f f rom C h u t r a was all I c o u l d t h i n k of, t h e on ly n e e d o r desire I had . All m e n t a l processes w e r e focused o n this o n e necess i ty - t ha t C h u t r a s h o u l d b e far, far, far away f rom m e . It is a s t range a n d ha l l uc ina to ry t h i n g to have j u s t o n e t h o u g h t c i rcu la t ing in y o u r h e a d for a c o u p l e o f days a n d n igh t s . A f o r m o f m e d i t a t i o n , I suppose , at t h e e n d o f w h i c h y o u have e i t he r r e a c h e d n i rvana o r are c o m p l e t e l y m a d . T h e r e was n o sign o f t h e w h i t e j e e p o r t h e w h i t e smi le o f K o j u S ingh . A n d w e w e r e n o w h e r e n e a r n i rvana .

C h u t r a refused t o c a m p w i t h o r even nea r t h e Takus , a caste w h i c h , h e said, w e r e n o t o r i o u s for t he i r w ickednes s , b u t w h o m in fact h e l o a t h e d because t h e y w e r e u n t o u c h a b l e s a n d h e was a detes table little b igo t . W e h a d to w a l k m a n y ex t ra mi les a n d finally

f o u n d a p a t c h o f dus t a n d pr ick les o u t o f sight o f t h e road o n w h i c h to p i t c h t h e t en t . C h u t r a w e n t t o t h e wel l t o fe tch wate r . T h e camels w e r e h o b b l e d o u t t o graze in t h e p a d d o c k . W h e n t h e y appea red to b e w a n d e r i n g t o o far, I w e n t t o lead t h e m b a c k closer t o c a m p . First M o m a l a n d t h e n Suma l , w i t h eyes ro l l ing in t he i r heads , c h a r g e d m e in t he i r loose h o b b l e s , k n o c k e d m e d o w n w i t h t he i r necks a n d b e g a n t o d a n c e o n m y b o d y . I c r awled t o t h e p r o t e c t i o n o f a sp indly t ree a n d p r o c e e d e d to play h i d e a n d seek w i t h these t w o , t h o u s a n d - p o u n d p s y c h o p a t h s un t i l , u n h i n g e d b y fury, a n d u n c e r t a i n w h e t h e r any b o n e s w e r e b r o k e n because t h e adrena l in h a d n u m b e d pa in , b u t i n any case n o t c a r i n g w h e t h e r I l ived o r d ied , I r aced to c a m p , t o o k a h o b b l e cha in a n d a l o n g stick, r an b a c k t o t h e camels and , fe in t ing to r i gh t a n d to left, u sed t h e st ick t o g r ab Sumal 's nose l ine f rom a r o u n d h e r n e c k — t h o u g h in fact M o m a l was t h e real cu lp r i t b u t S u m a l was s tup id e n o u g h a n d close e n o u g h t o b e c a u g h t — a n d w h e n I g o t h o l d at last o f tha t nose l ine a n d y a n k e d at it so tha t S u m a l c a m e d o w n o n h e r k n e e s w i t h a be l low, a n d w h e n I b e g a n b a s h i n g at t h e beas t w i t h t h e cha in , a n d b e l l o w i n g l o u d e r t h a n t h e camel , a n d cu r s ing in w o r d s tha t n o m e m s a h i b s h o u l d k n o w , a n d w h e n a vo i ce said, ' M a d a m , M a d a m ! ' a n d a h a n d t r i ed to take t h e h o b b l e cha in f rom m e . . . T h e n . . . I c o u l d n o t s top a n d was in fact bare ly aware o f Takat 's h a n d l e b a r m o u s t a c h e , b l u e safari suit a n d ho r r i f i ed e x p r e s ­s ion because t h e o r g y o f rage was de l ic ious a n d necessary , a n d t h e r e was m u r d e r i n m y h e a r t a n d b l o o d o n m y ku r t a , a n d at last I u n d e r s t o o d , f rom t h e ins ide as it we re , t h e e r u p t i o n s o f v i o l e n c e in India , a m o n g these m o s t evolved , long-suf fe r ing a n d to l e r an t o f peop le s , because a h u m a n b e i n g can ' t k e e p u p t h e g o o d m a n n e r s a n d t h e fo rbea rance forever, a n d w h e n t h o s e give way , m a d n e s s c o m e s p o u r i n g o u t t h e ha t ches .

Takat S ingh u s h e r e d m e b a c k to c a m p . I was t r e m b l i n g a n d m y m o u t h was ve ry d ry . Bruises t h e shape o f camels ' feet w e r e f o r m ­i n g u n d e r n e a t h m y c lo thes . I said, ' T h e y t r i e d t o kill m e . . .'

'Ce r t a in ly , certainly, ' said Takat b u t as h e d id n o t u n d e r s t a n d Eng l i sh h e was p r o b a b l y j u s t b e i n g po l i t e .

' T h e y w e r e t r y i n g to kill m e . . .' I said t o Ko ju , w h o smi led h u g e l y b u t pe rhaps a li t t le anx ious ly a n d m a d e tea.

T h e r e w e r e four o t h e r m e n presen t . T w o w e r e v e r y t h i n a n d

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dressed in rags. T h e y d r o p p e d the i r faces shyly a n d h i d smiles b e h i n d c lo th o r hands . T h e i r n a m e s w e r e R u p a a n d D u l l a h a n d t h e y were , p r e sumab ly , t h e r e p l a c e m e n t s . T h e r e was a m a n called L a k s h m a n S ingh , w h o was a forest officer f rom s o m e w h e r e a h e a d i n t h e Aravallis, a n d t he re was Jaswan t S i n g h N a t h a r w a t , con t ro l l e r o f U d a i p u r R a n g e forests, a R a j p u t in ma t t e r s o f style a n d h o n o u r , b u t it w o u l d n ' t have m a t t e r e d t o m e w h a t h e was o r w h e r e h e c a m e f rom because h e s p o k e Eng l i sh a n d h e a r i n g it was l ike b e i n g raised f r o m t h e dead .

' T h e y w e r e t r y i n g t o kill me, ' I said. 'Please, R o b y n j i , sit a n d take tea.' R e a l i t y h a d t aken o n tha t s n a p - s h o t f o r m associated w i t h

shock . S u d d e n l y C h u t r a was the re , s t and ing as if before a j u r y . I h a d e n o u g h p r e s e n c e o f m i n d left t o feel so r ry for h i m a n d was ready to i n t e r c e d e o n his behalf. B u t s o m e t h i n g v e r y pecu l i a r was h a p p e n i n g . T h e y w e r e n ' t p r e p a r i n g t o l y n c h h i m , t h e y w e r e p r e ­t e n d i n g tha t t h e y be l i eved his lies. I k n e w e n o u g h M a r w a r i t o k n o w h e was saying tha t h e h a d t r a ined t h e camels t o a t tack s t rangers a n d tha t as I was w e a r i n g w h i t e (I h a d b e e n w e a r i n g exact ly t h e same w h i t e k u r t a for t h e last six days), t h e camels m u s t have t h o u g h t I was a thief. E v e n if it h a d n o t b e e n such t r an s ­p a r e n t m e n d a c i t y , t h e idea o f t r a in ing camels t o kill p e o p l e was n o t m y idea o f g o o d c a m e l m a n s h i p . B u t ins tead o f a d m o n i s h i n g h i m , t h e y w e r e h a n d l i n g his e g o as if it w e r e t h e m o s t del icate o f f lowers. T h e y w e r e p u t t i n g it i n w a t e r a n d a d m i r i n g it. F o r a s e c o n d , t he i r generos i ty towards h i m m a d e m e feel a shamed . B u t o n l y for a s econd . T h e y d idn ' t have t o live w i t h h i m , t h e y h a d n ' t j u s t felt t h e c loak o f t h e g r i m reape r b r u s h t h e m a n d . . . t h e y w e r e m e n . W h e n C h u t r a h a d g o n e off w i t h R u p a a n d D u l l a h , I said t o this circle o f m o u s t a c h i o e d faces, w i t h a ce r ta in a m o u n t o f inc redu lousness in m y voice , ' B u t t hey w e r e t r y i n g to kill m e . . .'

W h e n this was t ranslated, Takat said, ' I t w o u l d b e bes t if y o u stay away f rom t h e camels. '

Stay away f rom m y o w n camels! I h a d few e n o u g h fields o f exper t i se . O n e was h a n d l i n g d r o m e d a r i e s . N o t h i n g I w o u l d boas t a b o u t at in te l lec tua l H i g h Tables p e r h a p s b u t an ex t r a ­c u r r i c u l a r act ivi ty in w h i c h I h a d pr iva te ly i m a g i n e d mysel f m o r e

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t h a n prof ic ient . I u n d e r s t o o d a n d apprec ia t ed tha t Takat 's c o n c e r n arose o u t o f chival ry b u t I s u d d e n l y h a d t h e strangest sensa t ion tha t I was t h e o n l y female left o n ea r th . I t h a d b e e n c r e e p i n g u p o n m e d u r i n g t h e last c o u p l e o f days. E v e r y w h e r e t he re w e r e m e n i n j e e p s , i n r i ckshaws , o n bicycles , o n scoo te r s , i n shops , s i t t ing d r i n k ­i n g tea, s m o k i n g o n door s t eps , w a v i n g t h i n b r o w n a r m s o u t o f t r u c k w i n d o w s . Yesterday at a roads ide dabar, t h e m e n at t he i r tables l o o k e d m e u p a n d d o w n . O n e said, ' W h e r e is y o u r Sah ib? ' w i t h a sneer a n d his c o m p a n i o n s l a u g h e d . C h u t r a h a d m u t ­t e r e d s o m e t h i n g a b o u t ha l f -minds . W e w e r e ge t t i ng close t o t h e R a j a s t h a n b o r d e r .

' F o r g e t these small t roubles, ' said Jaswant wise ly . 'You have t h r ee m e n t o he lp y o u now. C o n c e n t r a t e o n y o u r R a b a r i research. Tha t ' s wha t ' s i m p o r t a n t . '

H e was r i gh t . I c o u l d see tha t . H e r e , camels w e r e s imply a m e a n s o f t r anspor t ; I e m p l o y e d m e n t o l o o k after t h e m as I m i g h t e m p l o y m e c h a n i c s . Besides , w h a t d id a n y t h i n g mat te r , as l o n g as m y p raye r h a d b e e n answered , N a r e n d r a h a d n o t let m e d o w n , t h e t o r t u r e was g o i n g t o stop, f rom n o w o n I w o u l d b e free o f . . .

'. . . Three m e n ? O h , n o . Please, J a swan t j i , y o u d o n ' t u n d e r s t a n d . I b e g y o u , take h i m b a c k w i t h y o u . Please. Please! B u t it was exp l a ined t o m e t ha t if C h u t r a left, R u p a a n d D u l l a h w o u l d n o t stay. It was exp l a ined to m e tha t C h u t r a was like t h e ha rmless frog w h o , w h e n t h e snake passes, puffs h imse l f u p so t h e snake wil l t h i n k h e is t o o b i g a n d d a n g e r o u s to eat .

' N o w he ' l l have t w o p e o p l e u n d e r his c o m m a n d . H e ' l l b e a general , ' said Takat .

'You ' l l j u s t have t o ge t u s e d to h i m ta lk ing all t h e t i m e . It's a n o t h e r nor th—south difference. Y o u rest y o u r m i n d s w i t h s i lence; these p e o p l e w i t h talk. T h e y wi l l ta lk a b o u t e v e r y t h i n g a n d n o t h ­i n g all day a n d n igh t . W h o else can t h e y talk t o? '

So, C h u t r a was staying. O n l y K o j u sensed t h e e x t e n t o f t h e devas ta t ion this n e w s h a d w r o u g h t . To save m y p r i d e , h e t o o k m e to t h e j e e p to h a n d m e a l e t t e r f rom N a r e n d r a a n d a discreet ly admin i s t e r ed s lug o f g in . I t h a n k e d h i m , w e n t for a w a l k b y myse l f a n d s o b b e d .

B u t h u m a n h o p e is a resi l ient beast . ' D o n o t c rawl i n t o this

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cactus fence t o h i d e forever ' , it said. ' T h e i m p o r t a n t t h i n g is tha t t h e l o a d i n g wi l l n o w b e d o n e efficiently a n d qu ick ly , so y o u wil l b e able t o set o u t i n t h e c o o l o f t h e m o r n i n g s ' , it said. ' C h u t r a wi l l have t w o o t h e r p e o p l e t o talk at a n d wil l , e rgo , leave y o u in p e a c e ' , it said. 'You m u s t r ise above C h u t r a a n d focus o n larger goals a n d in so d o i n g t h e w a y a head wi l l b e c o m e clear, t h e chaos wi l l o r d e r i t se l f , it said.

T h u s fortified, I w e n t b a c k to c a m p a n d f o u n d myse l f spil l ing o u t tales o f t h e j o u r n e y so far. O h , g lo r ious f luency b e t w e e n b ra in a n d vo ice . O h , h a p p y h o m u n c u l u s . T h e w o r d s w e r e de l ic ious in m y m o u t h , l ike food t o t h e s tarving.

' W h i c h h a n d ? ' said Takat . ' M y left , ' I said. 'Are y o u sure? ' I was sure. 'Ah, ' h e said a n d n o d d e d t o himself. 'Yes?' I said, w h e n it s e e m e d h e w o u l d c o n t i n u e s ta r ing at his

sandal forever. H e assured m e tha t t h e b a d l u c k caused b y t h e snake c h o o s i n g t o sleep in m y left h a n d h a d ve ry likely r u n its cour se , b u t h e d id n o t s e e m at all c o n v i n c e d himself. B u t tha t was j u s t supers t i t ious n o n s e n s e a n d n o t h i n g I n e e d e d t o w o r r y a b o u t because a n o t h e r p lan was t ak ing shape thanks t o Jaswant j i a n d thanks t o t h e s u p e r i o r i t y o f t h e ra t iona l m o d e over t h e i r ra t iona l , t h o u g h I w i s h e d t h e krai t h a d c h o s e n m y r i gh t h a n d .

Jaswant k n e w w h e r e t h e R a b a r i dangs w e r e c o n c e n t r a t e d a n d sugges ted I p u s h o n towards tha t area a n d take w h a t l u c k offered, as it w o u l d b e a lmos t imposs ib le t o o rgan ize a d a n g to travel w i t h a h e a d o f t i m e . I was m o s t in te res ted n o w in t h e c a m e l - b r e e d i n g R a i k a b u t , as Jaswant said, t h e m i g r a t i o n rou tes d id n o t exist any m o r e . T h e y h a d b r o k e n u p because s o m e villages w o u l d n o t let h e r d s m e n t h r o u g h . H o w e v e r , t he r e w e r e va r ious small dangs scat­t e r ed t h r o u g h o u t t h e Aravallis w h o s e m u k k i s w a g e d a q u i e t a n d m u t u a l l y u n w i n n a b l e w a r w i t h foresters l ike Jaswant .

'L ike wolves , t h e y l o o k so harmless a n d q u i e t a n d b l ank in t h e eyes, b u t t h e y are n o t l ike tha t at all. T h e y survive b y t he i r wi t s , j u s t l ike wolves , a n d w h e n t h e y fight, t h e y fight l ike t h e m t o o . O n e m a n , if p u s h e d , can usual ly fight off t en . I 've seen it h a p p e n . It's a hel l o f a life. All day, every day, t h e y are h a r r i e d b y e v e r y o n e

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t hey m e e t . Y o u see, of ten t he re is n o f o o d left for t h e local herds after t h e m i g r a n t s g o t h r o u g h . B u t t h e r e is n o l and set aside a n d n o g o v e r n m e n t p r o g r a m m e s t o sor t o u t t h e p r o b l e m . W h e n l and was b e i n g d i s t r ibu ted , t h e R a b a r i s h o u l d have g o t s o m e for t h e m ­selves. B u t t h e y d idn ' t u n d e r s t a n d w h a t was g o i n g t o h a p p e n . N o w , o f cour se , t h e y do , b u t it's t o o late. '

A l m o s t t h e w h o l e o f R a j a s t h a n has b e e n c leared o f forest. T h o s e p o r t i o n s r e m a i n i n g are in cons t an t threa t o f devas ta t ion b y graziers , by locals g a t h e r i n g f i r ewood , b y illegal l o g g i n g c o m p a n i e s g iv ing k ickbacks to bureaucra t s a n d pol i t ic ians , and , u l t imate ly , b y t h e pressure o f p o p u l a t i o n . T h e d i l e m m a is this: t o p r o t e c t w h a t is left o f forest resources , f rom w h i c h r e g e n e r a t i o n m a y occur , is usually at t h e e x p e n s e o f t h e p e o p l e i m m e d i a t e l y d e p e n d e n t u p o n t h e m . B u t w h e n t h e forest is c leared, t h e l and b e c o m e s u l t ima te ly n o n - p r o d u c t i v e a n d t h e social, e c o n o m i c a n d eco log ica l ca ta ­s t rophe gathers fu r the r m o m e n t u m .

W h e n Jaswant first c a m e to this j o b , t h e forest u n d e r his j u r i s ­d i c t i o n h a d b e e n felled a n d ove rg razed illegally for a l o n g t i m e because o f c o r r u p t i o n at all levels. Aware o f t h e difficulties t h e R a -bar is faced, a n d w i s h i n g t o r each s o m e fair a g r e e m e n t w i t h t h e m , h e h a d g o n e to all t h e h e a d m e n , exp l a in ing tha t s o m e o f t h e forest f rom n o w o n w o u l d b e c losed t o t he i r he rds so tha t it c o u l d have a c h a n c e to r egene ra t e , b u t tha t t h e r e m a i n i n g forest w o u l d b e m a d e available t o t h e m for g raz ing . W h e n t h e res ted sec t ion was robus t e n o u g h , it w o u l d b e r e - o p e n e d a n d a n o t h e r sec t ion closed, a n d so o n . H e p r o m i s e d to p lan t grasses o n was te land . H e p r o m i s e d to i n c l u d e t h e m in all fu r the r p l a n n i n g . T h e m u k k i s s h o o k his h a n d a n d g u a r a n t e e d t he i r s u p p o r t b u t t h e n set a b o u t g a t h e r i n g , f rom t h e t h o u s a n d s in the i r c o m m u n i t y , a l akh o r so o f r u p e e s w i t h w h i c h t o b r i b e local pol i t ic ians i n t o t ransfe r r ing Jaswant s o m e ­w h e r e else. N a r e n d r a h a d i n t e r c e d e d a n d Jaswant was re ins ta ted . H e said, 'I d o n ' t b l a m e t h e R a b a r i s for w h a t t hey d o ; t h e y have t o survive. B u t so does t h e forest.'

P rev ious ly I h a d n o t f o u n d Chu t r a ' s c a u t i o n credible , m i x e d , as it was, w i t h b i g o t r y . B u t Jaswant , t o o , ta lked o f d a n g e r i n this area. D a c o i t s . Lawlessness. I b e g a n to see h o w vu lne rab l e I was , a n d h o w visible, a n d it s o b e r e d m e . U n d e r l y i n g t h e i l lus ion o f o r d e r c rea ted b y m e t a l roads , p r e t t y l i tde cot tages o n t h e outski r t s o f

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w o o d s , was a n o t h e r reali ty a l toge the r — a w h o l e n e w way o f u n d e r ­s t and ing t h e w o r d ' j ung l e ' . Jaswant w o u l d p r epa re p e o p l e ahead for m y arr ival a n d f rom n o w o n I w o u l d b e del ivered, l ike a package , a l o n g a l ine o f R a j p u t havellis (mansions) o r forestry d e p a r t m e n t sanctuar ies , m o v i n g o u t o f o n e sphere o f safety i n t o t h e n e x t . I w o u l d b e — h a d already b e e n , w i t h o u t real iz ing it — a traveller i n med ieva l t i m e . A n d I u n d e r s t o o d tha t f rom C h u t r a ' s p o i n t o f v i e w if I w o u l d o n l y let mysel f b e G u i n e v e r e , h e c o u l d fulfil his f u n c t i o n as k n i g h t .

It is c u r i o u s t o e n t e r a lawless place. T h a t is, t o e n t e r a n d take o n t h e state o f m i n d necessary for su rv iv ing in a lawless p lace . W e p r iv i l eged ones are n o t even aware tha t w e ca r ry expec t a t i ons o f t he r e b e i n g a l a w to w h i c h m o s t p e o p l e a d h e r e m o s t o f t h e t i m e . T h e r e m a y b e d i scont inu i t i es t o t h e process o f tha t l aw - a m u r d e r he re , a r o b b e r y t he re - b u t b y a n d large w e e x p e c t such events t o b e anomal i e s or, at wors t , b r e a k d o w n s o f an exis t ing sys tem. O f t h e norm. H e r e , lawlessness, p o v e r t y a n d despe ra t i on w e r e t h e n o r m . C u n n i n g a n d susp ic ion o f mo t ive s w e r e t h e quali t ies n e c e s ­sary for survival . Yet e v e r y t h i n g appea red b e n i g n . P e o p l e w e n t a b o u t t h e i r business . T h e sun s h o n e . T h e r e was n o ee r i e m u s i c p lay ing . It was like w a l k i n g in t h o s e s u m m e r y fields in w h i c h bat t les h a d o c c u r r e d a n d w h i c h give n o c lue as t o h o w they h a d b e e n t r a n s f o r m e d i n t o hel l . (D id d y i n g m e n see flowers in front o f the i r faces, bees b u z z i n g amids t t h e b lood?) A n d n o w t h e s t r ange ­ness o f a w o o d w h e r e trees burs t w i t h o r a n g e flowers, w h e r e n o t h i n g b u t p icn ics s h o u l d h a p p e n , b u t w h e r e band i t s a n d leopards h i d a n d o n l y fools v e n t u r e d a lone .

T h e n e x t m o r n i n g m y kn igh t s t o o k m e t o B a d i r Sahib's havelli , first i n t h e l ine o f R a j p u t safe-houses . As Jaswan t said, ' T h e r e is still grea t respect a n d fear h e r e for t h e R a j p u t s . W e p r o t e c t e d t h e p e o p l e , c u t heads for t h e m , a n d if s o m e o n e is i n t roub le a n d asks for help , it is i n o u r ins t inc t t o give it.' M y hos t was away b u t t h e g a t e k e e p e r w e l c o m e d us w i t h a r i n g i n g 'Bad i r Sahib's n a m e is s y m b o l o f safety' — his o n l y Engl i sh w o r d s .

O n e e n t e r e d t h r o u g h a n e lephan t - s i zed , b ras s - s tudded gate , w h i c h was l o c k e d at n igh t . O n t h e ins ide w e r e t w o small r o o m s for wayfarers and , i n t h e cou r tya rd , a th i rd gues t r o o m t o w h i c h I was e sco r t ed . To t h e r i g h t was a s e c o n d gate l e ad ing to a wa l led

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g a r d e n a n d t h e m a i n h o u s e w h i c h i n c l u d e d t h e z inana . T h e w o m e n w o u l d see m e t o m o r r o w , w h e n I was rested.

As s o o n as I was set t led, K o j u h a d t o take Jaswant S i n g h j i b a c k t o U d a i p u r . Jaswant l e a n e d o u t o f t h e w i n d o w , w a v e d a n d s h o u t e d , ' O l d M a r w a r i p rove rb . Trus t e v e r y o n e as y o u r f r iend a n d gues t b u t k e e p t igh t h o l d o f y o u r purse . ' T h e y w e r e g o n e , l eav ing m e o n c e again deaf a n d b l ind , a n d w i s h i n g to G o d tha t it c o u l d b e K o j u w a l k i n g w i t h m e ins tead o f C h u t r a . B u t K o j u was , i m m u t a ­bly, a d r iver a n d C h u t r a , i m m u t a b l y , a c a m e l m a n .

H o w of ten a n d h o w gene rous ly I h a d b e e n a c c o m m o d a t e d , i n every k i n d o f h o u s e h o l d f rom palace t o pauper ' s h u t , a n d e v e r y ­w h e r e I h a d e x p e r i e n c e d t h e same largesse. B u t m y hosts w e r e s o m e t i m e s anx ious as t o h o w t o l o o k after t h e fore ign gues t a n d I was exc ruc ia t ing ly aware tha t I m i g h t b e a b u r d e n t o t h e m . A n d t h e r i g o u r s o f po l i teness , w h e n all I w a n t e d was t o c rawl away i n t o s o m e t h i n g dark , w e r e of ten m o r e o f a d ra in o n m y resources t h a n m e r e physical d i scomfor t s . B u t n o w I h a d all t ha t I n e e d e d o r des i red in Ind ia - a r o o m w i t h a d o o r t ha t c losed, s o m e t h i n g t o read a n d earp lugs .

B a n g b a n g b a n g . 'Are y o u all r igh t , M e m s a h i b ? ' 'Yes, t h a n k y o u , C h a u k i d a a r j i . I wi l l s leep n o w ' ' C a n I b r i n g y o u a n y t h i n g , M e m s a h i b ? ' ' N o t h a n k y o u , Chauk idaar . ' ' I wi l l b e r i g h t he re , M e m s a h i b . ' ' T h a n k y o u , C h a u k i d a a r , b u t t he r e is n o need . ' ' W h e r e d o y o u c o m e f rom, M e m s a h i b ? ' 'I c o m e f rom Australia. ' ' A h . T h a t is a v e r y l o n g way. ' 'Yes, C h a u k i d a a r . Please d o n o t t r oub l e your se l f over m e . I

t h i n k I wi l l s leep n o w ' 'Very wel l , M e m s a h i b . I shall b e h e r e t o g u a r d y o u w h i l e y o u

sleep.' ' T h a n k y o u , C h a u k i d a a r j i . ' ( T h i r t y - s e c o n d pause.) ' M e m s a h i b , wi l l y o u take tea? ' ' N o t h a n k y o u , C h a u k i d a a r . I wi l l s leep now. ' 'Wa te r? ' ' N o t h a n k you . '

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' W a t e r for b a t h i n g ? ' W o ! . . . T h a n k you . ' B u t a b u c k e t o f h o t w a t e r was b r o u g h t b y a y o u n g girl w h o

flashed smiles o f l u m i n o u s i n n o c e n c e , t r i ed to press m y legs a n d s h o w e d a grea t deal o f in teres t i n t h e little keepsakes ins ide m y p u r s e a n d in t h e t w o toy pistols K o j u h a d b r o u g h t , w h i c h l o o k e d suitably dead ly u n d e r cover o f darkness a n d m a d e a m o s t i m p r e s ­sive b a n g w h e n stuffed w i t h a co rk . ' D o n ' t b e f r ightened, ' I said t o her , ' t h e y are n o t real guns . '

I b a t h e d . I ate. I eventua l ly m a d e it clear t o t h e servant girl a n d t h e chauk idaa r tha t I d id n o t n e e d t h e m to c o m e in and o u t t o c h e c k o n m y welfare eve ry fifteen m i n u t e s , tha t I d id n o t n e e d t h e servant girl t o sleep o n t h e f loor bes ide m y cot , t ha t I d id n o t n e e d t h e c h a u k i d a a r t o s tand g u a r d a n d b a n g his stick ou t s ide m y doo r . I read un t i l m y eyelids t u r n e d to lead. T h e n I p l aced m y p u r s e u n d e r m y pil low, b u t as it was r a the r l u m p y p u t it o n a small table t w o feet f rom m y head . T h e w o r l d d isappeared . In t h e n i g h t I t h o u g h t I saw an angel b e n d i n g over m e a n d in t h e m o r n i n g m y p u r s e was en t i re ly e m p t y o f m o n e y .

T h e r e w e r e m a n y reasons n o t t o tell C h u t r a , n o t least o f w h i c h was t h e fact tha t t h e beaut i fu l y o u n g th i e f was an u n t o u c h a b l e . After breakfast I t o o k tea w i t h t h e w o m e n o f t h e z inana a n d asked t h e m to call t h e servant girl . S h e sat at o u r feet i n perfect c o m p o ­sure, h e a d h i g h , h e r eyes neve r m e e t i n g m y gaze. I c o u l d de t ec t t e r r o r b e h i n d t h o s e eyes b u t n o o n e else w o u l d have n o t i c e d a t h i n g . I p u n i s h e d h e r b y h o l d i n g h e r i n suspense. Sur rep t i t ious ly I p o i n t e d to m y p u r s e a n d raised m y eyeb rows at her . S h e c o n t r i v e d a l o o k o f b e w i l d e r m e n t , b o r d e r i n g o n w o u n d e d p r i d e . In t h e face o f such ta lent , n o t t o say cou rage , h o w c o u l d I expose her?

T h e Aravalli R a n g e s are like t h e pe t r i f i ed b o d y o f a g ian t half-b u r i e d in t h e plains . I n t h e dis tance, t h e b l u e swell o f a h ip , a n d he re , sca t tered b o n e s o f sh in a n d toes p r o t r u d i n g . Vil lages, s imple a n d e a r t h - c o l o u r e d , s u r r o u n d e d b y walls, w e r e c l a m p e d o n to t h e sides o f l o w hills. A n d as t h e c o u n t r y go t wi lder , t h e p o p u l a t i o n g r e w t h i n n e r a n d loveliness increased in d i rec t p r o p o r t i o n to danger . G o n e t h e sense o f b e i n g squashed i n t o n o t h i n g by flatness a n d sameness . B u t t h e psych ic suffocat ion c o n t i n u e d .

W h a t b e c k o n e d , o n e c o u l d n o t en te r . T h e r e was n o sense o f

a b a n d o n , n o possibi l i ty o f dawd l ing , n o p leasure to b e ga ined b y invest igat ing s o m e t h i n g new, b y i n d u l g i n g w h i m . To C h u t r a , this l andscape was n o t scenery . It was an e n e m y , t h e equiva len t , for h i m , o f a s lum in R i o de Jane i ro . O n c e again, I was s t ruck b y t h e an t i the t ica l n a t u r e o f Aust ra l ian a n d I n d i a n landscape . T h e r e , j u n g l e is b e n i g n , h a u n t e d pe rhaps , a n d cer ta in ly power fu l b u t , as l o n g as y o u u n d e r s t a n d its signs, a g a r d e n in w h i c h all m a y e n t e r as equals a n d b e sure o f sus tenance . B u t h e r e w e r e fences n o t j u s t o f p r o p e r t y b u t o f t h e m i n d , fences o f fear b e t w e e n t h o s e w h o p o s ­sessed a n d those w h o th ieved . Susp ic ion rose l ike a m i a s m a from w h i c h it was imposs ib le ever t o take a b rea th . I c o u l d n o t see a R a j p u t fort g r ac ing a l ine o f hill w i t h o u t t h i n k i n g o f t h e h u m a n rapaciousness tha t h a d m a d e such a rch i t ec tu re necessary .

C o n t r a r y t o m a t h e m a t i c a l e x p e c t a t i o n , t h e p r e s e n c e o f R u p a a n d D u l l a h d id n o t decrease t h e l o a d i n g t i m e by t w o thirds . T h e genera l h a d t o exp la in to his soldiers w h a t t o d o and , as t hey w e r e s imple to t h e p o i n t o f id iocy , this t o o k a l o n g t ime . C h u t r a was a boss n o w a n d n o t a w o r k e r . T h e r e f o r e t h e lifting o f so m u c h as a strap was u n t h i n k a b l y d e g r a d i n g . E v e n if R u p a was t w e n t y feet away a n d a r o p e n e e d e d ty ing , t y ing t h e r o p e was R u p a ' s j o b a n d C h u t r a w o u l d call h i m to d o it. O f t e n I t i ed t h e r o p e myse l f in t h e va in h o p e o f s h a m i n g C h u t r a b u t all I d id was l o w e r mysel f i n m y e m p l o y e e s ' eyes.

W e missed t h e c o o l early l ight a n d set off in t h e h e a t o f t h e day. It n o w t o o k t h r e e m e n four h o u r s t o c o o k chapa t i a n d dal a n d load t h r ee camels . T h e camels h a d d o n e s o m e d a m a g e to m y back . A k i n d o f t o o t h a c h e sho t d o w n m y sp ine a n d i n t o m y r i g h t l eg w h e n e v e r I t o o k a step. R i d i n g was in to le rab le . Za l i was ill again. T h e r e was a small t o w n ahead . I w o u l d leave t h e chaps ou t s ide it a n d wa lk in w i t h t h e d o g t o l o o k for a da rk r o o m for m e a n d s o m e t h i n g m o r e sus ta in ing t h a n ro t i for h i m .

M y r o o m at t h e D r e a m l a n d H o t e l h a d p i n k , scrofulous walls, a c h a r p o i a n d b lanke t , a n d cigaret te bu t t s o n t h e floor. T h e r e was a co lourfu l display o f va r ious spits i n o n e c o r n e r . I b o u g h t t h e d o g eggs a n d c h i c k e n b i ryan i a n d I h a d hal f a b u c k e t o f p la in h o t water , n o soap. T h e r e was o n l y o n e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h m y r o o m in this D r e a m l a n d H o t e l . It c o n t a i n e d , i n a c o r n e r o f t h e sh i t -e n c r u s t e d b a t h r o o m , a small c r acked m i r r o r . W h o was tha t

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b e a t e n - u p o ld b a g w e a r i n g m y clothes? N o w I k n e w w h a t Jaswant m e a n t w h e n , o n see ing p h o t o s o f m e in a m a g a z i n e , h e said, ' A h , yes . Wel l , y o u w e r e a lo t y o u n g e r then . '

I r e t u r n e d to c a m p early t h e n e x t m o r n i n g t o f ind t h e m still d i t h e r i n g a r o u n d c o o k i n g this, a r g u i n g a b o u t tha t . T h e n c a m e b a t h t i m e b y t h e wel l . ( N e v e r let it b e said tha t R a i k a d o n ' t wash . E v e r y t i m e I l o o k e d a r o u n d at these th ree , suds w e r e flying, t h o u g h t h e y d idn ' t m a n a g e t o l o o k any sprucer . ) S u d d e n l y I gave u p t h e s t ruggle . T h e r e was n o p o i n t i n m y t r y i n g to c h a n g e a n y ­t h i n g . T h e r e was n o p o i n t i n t r y ing t o con t ro l m y e n v i r o n m e n t at all. I m u s t appea r t o enjoy b e i n g w a i t e d o n a n d I m u s t accep t the i r m e t h o d s , t he i r m e a n i n g s , the i r t i m e . I lay b a c k o n m y pack . C h u t r a c a m e over t o m e , smi l ing a n d h o l d i n g o u t a l u k e w a r m n i m b u pan i , t h e t e x t u r e o f b o i l e d starch.

' M a d a m Sahib . I un t ra ined . K o j u trained! T h e n , in H i n d i , ' B u t is t h e n i m b u p a n i O K ? '

'Yes, C h u t r a j i . You have m a d e it v e r y wel l , t h o u g h pe rhaps a li t t le t o o m u c h sugar.' I s n o o z e d a n d was w o k e n u p b y R u p a i n f o r m i n g m e it was t i m e to m o v e o u t .

B u t w h e r e was t h e genera l? I c o u l d h e a r s i ng ing f rom b e h i n d a rock . C h u t r a e m e r g e d m o m e n t s later, his t u r b a n c o c k e d at an even j a u n t i e r angle t h a n usual , o n e h a n d p laced o n his h ip , t h e o t h e r h o l d i n g a l o n g stick w i t h an axe o n t o p and , s t r apped across his m i n i a t u r e chest , i n t h e style o f a M e x i c a n band i t , w e r e m y toy pistols . S o m e t i m e s y o u j u s t c o u l d n ' t he lp b u t love t h e li t t le guy .

B u t m o s t o f t h e t i m e y o u cou ld .

20

' H o ha, R u p a , D u l l a h . H o ha. ' ' H o ha, C h u t r a j i . W h a t is i t? ' ' T h e rocks . L o o k at t h o s e rocks . A r e n ' t t h e y big? Jus t l ike

c i n e m a halls.' ' H o ha . T h o s e rocks are really b ig . W h a t d o y o u t h ink , D u l l a h ? ' ' I was j u s t g o i n g to say h o w b i g t hose rocks were . ' ' N o rocks l ike tha t in M a r w a r , are the re , D u l l a h ? ' ' N o t b ig rocks l ike these. ' ' T h e s e are really really big. ' ' H a v e y o u ever seen rocks as b i g as these , R u p a ? ' ' N e v e r . In M a r w a r t he re are n o b i g rocks such as these. ' ' M a d a m Sahib. R u p a a n d D u l l a h say t h e r e are n o rocks as b ig as

these in Marwar . ' W h e n , at last, t h e rocks h a d b e e n b l e d o f t h e last o u n c e o f

n o t i c e t h e y c o u l d inspire, t he r e w o u l d b e a t w e n t y - s e c o n d in te rva l w h e r e u p o n C h u t r a w o u l d d e m a n d t o k n o w h o w R u p a o r D u l l a h w e r e ge t t i ng a long , t o w h i c h t h e y w o u l d reply tha t , h o ha , t h e y w e r e ge t t i ng a l o n g fine a n d h o w was he g e t t i ng a l o n g . . .'

T h e s e w e r e n o t m e a n t t o b e conversa t ions . T h e s e w e r e noises t o stave off t h e s i lence i n t o w h i c h m i s e r y m i g h t seep, noises t o t h r o w against t h e hardness o f life. S o m e t i m e s t h e no ise was in t h e f o r m o f songs w h i c h w o u l d have b e e n infini tely preferable t o m e if C h u t r a h a d h a d a sweet vo ice . Alas, h e was t h e on ly R a i k a in t h e w h o l e o f Ind ia w h o h a d a vo i ce like a sheep b e i n g q u a r t e r e d alive.

B u t it was imposs ib le n o t t o b e t o u c h e d by t h e w a y h e t r ea ted his footsoldiers . F o r all t h e b r a g g i n g h e sub jec ted t h e m too , h e also e n c o u r a g e d t h e m , j o k e d w i t h t h e m , e l ic i ted the i r o p i n i o n s , forced t h e m t o address m e across shyness w i d e as oceans . To t h e m h e was

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Eins t e in crossed w i t h Gar iba ld i a n d t hey w e r e guileless e n o u g h t o display t he i r a d m i r a t i o n naked .

' M a d a m Sahib? ' said Chu t r a ' s lips. I smi led a n d n o d d e d b u t h e w o u l d n o t b e p u t off. I t o o k o u t t h e earplugs w h i c h I h a d t aken t o w e a r i n g p e r m a n e n t l y .

I was t o no t i ce , please, t ha t R a m R a h i m ' s tail h a d b e e n lifted a n d t i ed t o t h e saddle, so tha t his balls w e r e p r o m i n e n t l y o n d is ­play. ( R a m R a h i m was l ed fo rward a n d his e x p o s e d g lobes du ly e x h i b i t e d for m y i n s p e c t i o n a n d admi ra t ion . )

' M a d a m Sahib, it is because h e is a y o u n g m a n . H e looks at t h e o t h e r camels a n d says, " H o ha, I a m a m a n . " Jus t as dogs do. ' C h u t r a t h rus t o u t his ches t a n d tw i r l ed o n e side o f his m o u s t a c h e .

T h e c o u n t r y w e passed t h r o u g h was o n c e t h i c k forest. N o w , its d e g r a d a t i o n c o u l d b e felt, as if it was an an ima l flayed a n d left t o suffer u n d e r t h e sun . G r i t b l e w off t h e g ran i t e o u t c r o p p i n g s a n d t h e fields b e n e a t h g r e w n o t h i n g b u t rocks a n d dust . Neve r the l e s s w e w e r e ga in ing a l t i tude and , w i t h it, g o o d h u m o u r . M a m e r s a n c t u ­ary lay n o t far ahead w h e r e L a k s h m a n S ingh , Assistant C o n s e r v a ­t o r o f Forests , w o u l d b e w a i t i n g to s h o w us a r o u n d a n d w h e r e w e c o u l d rest a n d f ind m e d i c i n e for Za l i w h o s e e m e d s o m e t i m e s to b e wel l and , at o the r s , m e r e l y stoic.

W e w e r e e n t e r i n g t h e l and o f t h e Bhi ls , t r iba l p e o p l e w h o h a d p o p u l a t e d t h e hills o f Ind ia before t h e A r y a n invas ion. T h e y w e r e qu i t e different t o l o o k at - shor t , musc ly p e o p l e w i t h flatfish faces. B e i n g Adivassis ( that is, ou t s ide o r b e n e a t h caste), t hey w e r e t h e lowest o f t h e low, w h i c h a c c o u n t e d for t h e bo ldness o f t h e w o m e n w h o s t rode a long t h e r o a d in g r o u p s , t he i r heads a n d s o m e t i m e s breasts u n c o v e r e d . T h e y d id n o t c luster a r o u n d m e b u t e i t he r n o d d e d a n d passed o n , o r called o u t ' B u r r i b e n ' (wh i t e sister) a n d l aughed . I l iked t h e m .

C h u t r a m u s t have real ized this because h e t r i ed , as h e h a d m a n y t imes before , t o disabuse m e o f m y i g n o r a n c e in ma t t e r s o f class a n d deg ree , tha t is, i n t h e na tura l o r d e r o f t h e w o r l d o f m e n . T h e Adivassis ' f unc t i on was to inspire l o a t h i n g a n d M a d a m Sahib s h o u l d u n d e r s t a n d that this h a d always b e e n so.

Even tua l ly , unab l e t o c o n t a i n m y i r r i t a t ion , I said, 'You m e a n all Adivassis are bad? Adivassis are born bad? W h y d o y o u t h i n k such a n ug ly t h i n g , C h u t r a ? I t is nonsense . '

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' W h y are t h e y bad? B e c a u s e t h e y have dark skin a n d d i r ty c lo thes a n d filthy habi ts . T h e y are u n e d u c a t e d a n d ' — h e r e h e p a u s e d to p r epa re m e for t h e i rrefutabi l i ty o f t h e e v i d e n c e h e was a b o u t t o give — ' t h e y . . . eat . . . buffalo!'

' R h u b a r b , rhuba rb , ' ag reed R u p a a n d D u l l a h . C h u t r a h a d already p r o v e d h imse l f resistant t o reason in such

m a t t e r s . T h e K u t c h i R a b a r i s , for e x a m p l e , b e i n g a slightly l o w e r subcaste o f his o w n caste, a roused his disapproval . W h y ? B e c a u s e t h e y w e r e n o t c lean, ins ide o r o u t . In t h e m o r n i n g t h e y d id n o t w a s h a n d t h e y d id n o t say t he i r prayers . I h a d p o i n t e d o u t tha t t h e y h a d h a d n o wate r . A n y w a y , m e m b e r s o f his o w n g r o u p , t h e R a i k a , w e r e hard ly pa ragons o f cleanliness, of ten g o i n g years w i t h ­o u t t ak ing a wash . A h n o , h e h a d said. If t h e r e w e r e even a t e a c u p o f wa te r , a R a i k a w o u l d use it t o w a s h t h e face, a r m s a n d s t o m a c h i n o r d e r t o b e r eady for puja . A n d if t h e r e w e r e n o t a t eacup , a R a i k a w o u l d w a s h h imse l f w i t h sand so tha t G o d w o u l d say, ' A h , h e r e is a g o o d man . '

' I n a lmos t all c o u n t r i e s b u t India , p e o p l e eat buffalo a n d c o w a n d it is n o t cons ide red bad. ' I t u r n e d t o l o o k at h i m . ' I have ea t en cow. As for colour , ' I w e n t o n , i g n o r i n g t h e express ion o n his face, ' does t h e sou l o r t h e h e a r t have a c o l o u r ? '

T h i s e l ic i ted a smile a n d an admiss ion tha t I spoke t h e t r u t h . B u t h e addressed m e as o n e w o u l d a p r e c o c i o u s t e n - y e a r - o l d w h i c h so a n n o y e d m e tha t a li t t le thr i l l o f c rue l ty w e n t t h r o u g h m e a n d I de l ivered m y coup de grâce. ' D i d y o u k n o w tha t L o r d K r i s h n a was a n Adivassi? T h a t is w h y his skin is always b lue , t o signify its darkness. ' C h u t r a s t o p p e d in his t racks, t h e n fell b a c k t o j o i n his he lpers , a visibly shaken m a n .

I was left i n p e a c e un t i l w e c a m e t o an e n o r m o u s t ree b y t h e side o f t h e road , w h o s e t r u n k was as k n o b b l e d as a wi tch ' s nose a n d b e n e a t h w h i c h w e r e h u n d r e d s o f t e r r aco t t a horses o f va r ious sizes, s o m e b r o k e n a n d b l ack w i t h age, s o m e fresh f rom t h e po t te r ' s w h e e l , all c r o w d e d t o g e t h e r i n ranks a n d facing inwards as if r eve r ing t h e p i e c e o f r o c k w h i c h c o u l d o n l y j u s t b e d i s c e r n e d as a w o m a n o n h o r s e b a c k , so resolute ly h a d t ime's h a n d erased t h e w o r k o f t h e sculptor . E a c h h o r s e was , o n close i n spec t ion , m i n u t e l y va r i ed b u t all h a d t h e same character is t ics - perfec t ly r o u n d m o u t h s w i t h e x t r u d e d t o n g u e s , w o m e n ' s c u r v a c e o u s legs,

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h e a v y a n d fat, a r o u n d h o l e w h e r e t h e tail s h o u l d be , b u t m o s t d i s c o n c e r t i n g o f all a ho le , l ike a bu l le t w o u n d , at t h e b a c k o f t h e h e a d , as if t o le t a spir i t escape. E a c h expressed t h e essence o r m a g i c o f ho r se , h o r s e as it m i g h t b e d r e a m e d . C h u t r a i n f o r m e d m e tha t it was an Adivassi sh r ine , p r o b a b l y t o t h e b lack goddess .

T h e r e h a d n e v e r b e e n a n y t h i n g g l a m o r o u s a b o u t p o v e r t y in t h e places I h a d l ived. I t d i m i n i s h e d its v ic t ims , it was luc id ly ugly . B u t h e r e despe ra t i on a n d squa lo r c o u l d m a s k itself w i t h t h e exquis i te , w h i c h p e r h a p s exp la ined w h y m a n y u r b a n Ind ians a n d fore ign visi tors r o m a n t i c i z e d rura l life a n d refused t o see its a t t e n d a n t mise ry . In t h e cities a n d t o w n s now, a h i d e o u s vu lga r i ty re igned . B u t objects m a d e b y vil lage p e o p l e for village use w e r e still e n e r ­g i z e d b y t h e anc i en t I n d i a n artistic gen ius .

I l o o k e d at t h e horses a n d w o n d e r e d h o w l o n g it w o u l d b e be fo re t h e y w o u l d b e swept away a n d rep laced w i t h a M c D o n a l d ' s o r a te levis ion. A n d w h e t h e r t h e I n d i a n gen ius was s t rong e n o u g h to resist t h e h o m o g e n i z i n g a n d s tupefying p r i n c i p l e w h i c h has c o m e t o d o m i n a t e t h e m o d e r n w o r l d , d r o w n i n g us in i nan i ty a n d stifling t h e desire to travel o r invest igate o r cr i t ic ize because eve ry ­w h e r e wi l l b e t h e same — a global vil lage o f t h e dead .

I t o o k m y earp lugs o u t so I c o u l d hea r t h e songs o f little h o n e y - e a t i n g b lackbirds w i t h b lue satin wais tcoats a n d l o n g da in ty p ipes in t he i r m o u t h s . W e w e r e e n t e r i n g M a m e r — over t h r ee h u n d r e d square miles o f forest — w h i c h was p r o c l a i m e d a s anc tu ­ary in 1988. T h e r e w e r e n o large cities n e a r b y a n d n o m a i n roads; local thieves w e r e small t i m e a n d stole t h e w o o d o n l y for the i r o w n use — mos t l y for m a k i n g f a r m i m p l e m e n t s ; w h i c h exp la ined w h y t h e forest was still in tac t . B u t pressure o n t h e p a r k was g r o w ­i n g f rom increas ing n u m b e r s o f animals a n d m e n , b o t h ins ide a n d ou t s ide it .

L a k s h m a n S ingh h a d a r r a n g e d t o dr ive m e to Ambassa , a small vil lage w h e r e s o m e c o w - h e r d i n g R a b a r i h a d set t led p e r m a n e n t l y . After tha t I c o u l d stay in a series o f forestry lodges w h e r e I w o u l d b e u n d e r quasi-official p r o t e c t i o n un t i l I h a d passed safely t h r o u g h t h e Aravalli R a n g e s .

' M a n y n o m a d s c a m e h e r e th i r ty years ago, b u t still m o r e c o n ­t i n u e to c o m e a n d settle, w h i l e o the r s pass t h r o u g h h e r e o n t he i r w a y t o Gujara t a n d M a d h y a P radesh w i t h t he i r he rds . It is

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imposs ib le t o k e e p a c o u n t o n t h e n u m b e r s a n d a n y w a y the re is on ly o n e r ange r p e r t h i r ty square miles a n d on ly o n e car b e t w e e n t h e twe lve rangers e m p l o y e d he r e . R e a l l y , t he r e s h o u l d b e sixty guards because forest is o p e n p r o p e r t y ; it can ' t b e l ocked . W h e n t h e p a r k was established, t h e vil lagers w h o w e r e already h e r e w e r e a l ­l o w e d g raz ing a n d use r igh t s . B u t t h e m i g r a n t R a b a r i have f o r m e d villages t o o , so t h e y also have g raz ing r igh ts because t hose r igh ts w e r e n e v e r clearly f o r m u l a t e d o n an ind iv idua l basis b u t o n a vil lage basis.'

P o w d e r y w h i t e dus t swir led t h r o u g h t h e j e e p as w e s t o p p e d at Ambassa — th i r ty li t t le houses a n d a few shared fields. As usual I was t rea ted c o u r t e o u s l y b y t h e R a b a r i w h o p u l l e d o u t a c h a r p o i for m e a n d L a k s h m a n j i t o sit o n , w h i l e t h e y squa t t ed o n t h e g r o u n d a r o u n d us. H o w e v e r , t h e y m a d e it clear tha t w h i l e I was qu i t e w e l c o m e t o r e m a i n a n d ask ques t ions , I w o u l d n o t b e w e l ­c o m e to stay t h e n igh t . E v e n t h o u g h t h e y k n e w L a k s h m a n S i n g h wel l , t h e y h a d d e v e l o p e d a siege m e n t a l i t y after so m a n y years o f b a d re la t ions w i t h t h e Bhi ls . I m i g h t b e s o m e k i n d o f Tro jan h o r s e sent b y the i r e n e m i e s t o m a k e it easier t o steal the i r cows w h i c h t h e y k e p t l o c k e d ins ide at n igh t . I was w a r n e d n o t t o c a m p a n y ­w h e r e b u t w i t h t h e foresters.

'Very danger ! ' said t h e o ld m u k k i w h o h a d p i c k e d u p a few w o r d s o f Engl i sh o n his travels.

T h e Bhi ls w e r e natives o f this area. T h e y w e r e essentially h u n t ­i n g p e o p l e ( t h o u g h n o w t h e y f a r m e d as well) a n d f rom the i r p o i n t o f v i e w these n e w arrivals w e r e ea t ing o u t t he i r forest a n d t h r e a t e n ­i n g t he i r subsis tence . T h i s p r o t r a c t e d w a r h a d m o r e t o d o w i t h c o m p e t i t i o n for d w i n d l i n g resources t h a n x e n o p h o b i a , t h o u g h t h e la t ter insp i red its l anguage .

I asked t h e m u k k i w h e n h e d e c i d e d t o c h a n g e f rom h e r d i n g goats t o h e r d i n g cows . A b o u t t h i r ty years back , h e said, because d u r i n g t h e ra iny season goats a n d sheep g o t foot ro t . T h e p e o p l e w h o still h e r d e d goats h a d t o k e e p t h e m in the i r houses d u r i n g t h e w e t season o r w a l k t h e m b a c k to Si rohi , t h e ancestral village.

A n d w h a t w e r e t he i r o t h e r sources o f i n c o m e ? Eyes shifted f rom left t o r i g h t a n d p e o p l e shuffled a li t t le in the i r places. T h e o ld m u k k i b e g a n . H e h imse l f o w n e d fifteen c o w s a n d f rom t h e m g o t fou r litres o f m i l k in t h e m o r n i n g a n d four i n t h e even ing .

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T h e m o r n i n g m i l k w o u l d b e sold at fou r r u p e e s p e r litre a n d in t h e e v e n i n g it w o u l d b e m a d e i n t o g h e e a n d cu rd . In a d d i t i o n h e m i g h t m a k e t w o to t h r e e h u n d r e d r u p e e s p e r t r u c k l o a d o f c o w shit, b u t t ha t o n l y t w i c e a yea r o r so. H e m i g h t also sell a b u l l o c k every t w o to t h r e e years — o r in an e m e r g e n c y even sell a cow. H e m a d e e igh t h u n d r e d r u p e e s p e r m o n t h for a family o f seven.

T h i s was an u n d e r e s t i m a t e o f course . H e t h o u g h t w e m i g h t b e g o v e r n m e n t representat ives a n d if h e d i m i n i s h e d his i n c o m e to us , w e m i g h t p r o v i d e relief. E v e n so, h e was still a p o o r m a n .

T h e s e p e o p l e o n l y r e t u r n e d to Si rohi for dea ths a n d mar r i ages . T h e i r socie ty was still v e r y t ight ly b o u n d b y t he i r o w n pancha i t s (councils) w h o s e r u l i n g all individuals m u s t o b e y o r risk b e i n g outcas t . Twelve villages c a m e u n d e r o n e pancha i t , a n d f rom this vi l lage t h e r e w e r e t w o representa t ives . I asked w h y w o m e n d id n o t sit in t h e pancha i t . As usual this q u e s t i o n raised lots o f l a u g h t e r a n d ban te r .

' W e ladies are n e v e r in t h e p a n c h a i t b u t w e force t h e decis ions f r o m ins ide t h e houses be fore t h e m e n g o to t h e mee t ings . '

' I n o u r caste, ladies are m u c h wiser . If y o u give m e m o n e y , I w o n ' t k n o w h o w to c o u n t it b u t if y o u give it t o her , y o u w o n ' t fool her. ' B u t this was said w i t h typical R a b a r i d i s ingenuousness . I c o u l d n ' t i m a g i n e a n y o n e o u t s m a r t i n g this o ld c o o t , especially in s o m e t h i n g as i m p o r t a n t as f inances .

T h e conver sa t ion p e t e r e d o u t ; it was t i m e to go . A y o u n g w o m a n w h o h a d b e e n b u t t i n g i n t o t h e conver sa t ion w i t h t h e m u k k i go t u p to leave.

' C o m e , talk s o m e more , ' said L a k s h m a n S ingh to her , ' y o u are b r i g h t a n d intel l igent . ' To w h i c h she r e to r t ed , ' I f I w e r e so in te l l i ­gen t , I 'd b e t h e o n e s i t t ing o n t h e charpo i . '

M a m e r forest g u e s t - h o u s e , set b e n e a t h t h e hills, cons is ted o f t w o s imple r o o m s a n d a li t t le ve r andah . A t a respectful d is tance w e r e t h e houses o f Adivassis, scat tered sparsely t h r o u g h w o o d s a n d fields. I sugges ted to C h u t r a tha t w e rest h e r e a few days and , d ives ted o f o u r luggage , r i d e i n t o t h e b u s h o n o u r camels , l o o k i n g for R a b a r i he rds . C h u t r a d id n o t l ike this idea b u t m a n a g e d to ind ica te t h a t if I was determined t o d o such an i n c o m p r e h e n s i b l y s tup id t h i n g , t h e n w e s h o u l d b o t h r i d e R a m R a h i m , leav ing M o m a l a n d S u m a l b e h i n d to eat. I insis ted tha t w e r i d e t h e fatties

2 4 7

a n d leave R a m R a h i m b e h i n d to eat, h e b e i n g t h e t h i n n e s t o f t h e th ree .

S o m e rangers w e r e s taying n e a r t h e co t t age a n d t h e on ly t h i n g t h e y a n d C h u t r a s e e m e d t o talk a b o u t was h o w vi le t h e Adivassis w e r e . I n t h e m o r n i n g I h a d g o n e for a w a l k b y myse l f a n d an Adivassi m a n h a d s h o w e d m e t h e p a t h h o m e . H e r e s e m b l e d M o r n a t a n d I l iked his p r e sence ve ry m u c h . I i nv i t ed h i m in for tea. B u t as w e a p p r o a c h e d t h e co t tage , I felt h i m grab m y legs f rom t h e back . I s p u n a r o u n d to f ind tha t h e h a d p ros t ra t ed h imse l f o n t h e g r o u n d a n d was clasping m y feet. I p u l l e d h i m up . H e was a lmos t in tears .

' W h a t ' s t h e m a t t e r ? ' H e was t o o f r i gh t ened t o c o m e closer t o t h e h o u s e w h e r e h e

be l i eved h e w o u l d b e p u n i s h e d for his t e m e r i t y . I h a d vis i ted t h e little local s choo l a n d ta lked w i t h a t e a c h e r

the re . I c o m m e n t e d o n h o w earnes t a n d a t ten t ive t h e s tuden ts h a d s e e m e d to m e , p o o r a n d shoeless b u t all dressed u p a n d pressed a n d o i led . T h i s was at odds w i t h e v e r y t h i n g t h e rangers h a d said a b o u t Adivassi laziness, Adivassi s tupid i ty . T h e t e a c h e r t o ld m e t h e s tuden ts w o r k e d ha rd a n d w a n t e d t o succeed b u t t h e schools h a d n o e q u i p m e n t a n d hard ly any b o o k s . M o s t t eachers gave u p after six m o n t h s o f these c o n d i t i o n s a n d s imply w a i t e d t o b e p o s t e d to a b e t t e r area. S o m e teachers t h o u g h t it b e n e a t h t h e m to t e ach Ad ivas ­sis a n d t h o u g h t o f this p o s t i n g as a p u n i s h m e n t , s imply t o b e e n d u r e d before s o m e t h i n g b e t t e r was offered.

O n t h e m o r n i n g o f o u r r i d e C h u t r a was l o o k i n g s m u g . W h e n h e k n e w I was perfect ly p r i m e d , h e said, ' M a d a m Sahib? T h a t s to ry y o u t o ld m e a b o u t L o r d Kr i shna . I have c o n s u l t e d t h e r a n g ­ers. Alas, y o u w e r e mis t aken . T h e b l u e c o l o u r o f Kr ishna ' s skin is for o t h e r reasons. ' A n d off w e w e n t i n a r u s h o f m o r n i n g air.

It was as if t h e l andscape h a d b e e n d i p p e d in a p u r p l e r inse a n d h u n g o u t i n t h e s u n t o fade. T h e r e w e r e l avender t ints i n t h e acra plants , hills, castor stalks a n d u n d e r t h e c louds ; t h e r o a d was a s t r ip o f p u r p l e d i sappea r ing i n t o l avender w o o d s . A t a c l ea r ing in t h e forest w e f o u n d a t e t h e r e d c a m e l a n d h e r calf. Later, t w o h e r d s m e n c a m e in w i t h a b o u t t h i r ty camels . C h u t r a c o u l d read t h e b r a n d s . T h e camels b e l o n g e d t o t w o sub-castes — B u m a l i a a n d Aal . H e also said tha t these days camels are o n l y really sold for f a r m w o r k —

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carts a n d p l o u g h s . T h e y w e r e n o t u s e d for this p u r p o s e t h i r t y years ago. T h e camels w o u l d b e sold in Pushkar . It was h a r d to say w h i c h w e r e sk inn ie r a n d m o r e gaun t , t h e m e n o r t h e animals . T h e camels w e r e diseased a n d a lmos t ba ld w i t h m a n g e , t h e m e n half-starved, l iv ing o n n o t h i n g b u t c a m e l mi lk , ro t i a n d tea w h i c h , o f cour se , t h e y offered us as if w e w e r e k in . I t o o k s o m e came l m i l k in an acra leaf ( the m e n w e r e t o o p o o r t o have a spare c u p ) . W e sat o n t h e g r o u n d o n a filthy p i ece o f c lo th bes ide a c l u m p o f t a t t e red b e l o n g i n g s . T h e m e n possessed o n l y t h e barest m i n i m u m n e c e s ­sary for survival . U n t h wallahs d o n ' t take w o m e n o n t h e d a n g because there 's n o w o r k for t h e m — n o b u t t e r m i l k to m a k e , o r ghee , n o l ambs to l o o k after, so it is b e t t e r tha t t hey stay safely at h o m e . B u t after t ravel l ing w i t h t h e K u t c h i R a b a r i w h o s e w o m e n c o u l d create palaces a r o u n d the i r c o o k i n g fires, w h o s e j o b was also to b r i n g j o y a n d l ightness t o life o n t h e dang , this sad little c a m p was t h e equ iva len t o f a bache lor ' s beds i t o n t h e B o w e r y .

T h e s e m e n c a m e f rom a vil lage nea r U d a i p u r a n d every few m o n t h s t h e y w o u l d c h a n g e places w i t h a n o t h e r t w o m e n f rom the i r h o m e village. T h e camels , however , r e m a i n e d o u t for e igh t t o n i n e m o n t h s .

' T h i s was m y grandfather ' s a n d m y father's w o r k b u t these days it is a fool's w o r k . W h e n I g o h o m e I have a j o b as a t r u c k driver . B u t t h e camels are m y t r u e w o r k a n d I d o n o t w a n t t o leave t h e m . B u t it is b e c o m i n g imposs ib le for us.'

T h e y t o ld m e tha t t o use t h e forest t hey h a d to pay t w o r u p e e s p e r yea r p e r c ame l t o t h e g o v e r n m e n t . T h e y w o u l d receive r e ­ceipts for t h e m o n e y b u t t h e n w o u l d have to pay a n y t h i n g f rom a h u n d r e d to fifteen h u n d r e d r u p e e s in b r ibes t o local rangers .

A n d t h e n t h e r e w e r e t h e diseases. Please, please, c o u l d w e get s o m e m e d i c i n e ? C o u l d w e send tha t m e d i c i n e to his village? H i s camels w o u l d die w i t h o u t it. T h e r e was n o p o i n t ask ing w h y t h e y d id n o t use t h e local v e t e r i n a r y clinics. I a l ready k n e w w h a t t h e y w o u l d face, h a v i n g g o n e t o o n e to b u y s o m e m e d i c i n e for Zal i . T h e r e h a d b e e n n o m e d i c i n e w h a t s o e v e r i n s tock . T h e s e clinics w e r e r u n b y t h e g o v e r n m e n t t o serve local p e o p l e . T h e o r e t i c a l l y d rugs w e r e free b u t i n p rac t i ce m o n e y was pa id e i t he r i n t o t h e vet's p o c k e t o r t o m i d d l e m e n w h o sold t h e d rugs o n t h e b lack m a r k e t . O n e a n t h r a x in jec t ion for e x a m p l e m i g h t cost e igh ty

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r u p e e s , far m o r e t h a n these m e n c o u l d afford to pay. E v e n if d r u g s c o u l d b e f o u n d , t h e y w e r e s e l d o m e n o u g h to cu re a w h o l e he rd , so tha t t h e animals w o u l d re- infec t e ach o t h e r i m m e d i a t e l y . T h e R a i k a w e r e c l ing ing to w r e c k a g e and , w i t h o u t p r o p e r l y o rgan i zed assistance, t h e y w o u l d g o u n d e r .

After several days C h u t r a b e g g e d tha t w e m o v e o n . T a k i n g t h e camels o u t t o g raze was t o o dange rous for his m e n , h e said. T h e first even ing , w e c a m p e d w i t h a family b y t h e side o f t h e road . T h e y o w n e d camels , c o w s a n d buffalo a n d t hey l ived for m a n y m o n t h s o f t h e yea r bes ide an Adivassi h o u s e . 'The re , ' I said t o C h u t r a . ' T h e y s e e m to ge t o n wel l w i t h the i r n e i g h b o u r s . ' To w h i c h h e repl ied , ' T h e y have n o choice . ' T h e w o m e n at first h a d s h o u t e d at us t o g o away. C h u t r a c o n v i n c e d t h e m tha t w e w e r e n ' t band i t s b u t even so t h e a t m o s p h e r e was tense .

I asked h o w l o n g t hey h a d b e e n c o m i n g he re . T h r e e years , t o this par t i cu la r p lace b u t longer , m a n y years , t o this area. T h e y d id n o t l ike it h e r e .

' W h y d id y o u c o m e here? B e c a u s e t h e r e was d r o u g h t w h e r e y o u w e r e ? '

' N o . It gets d r y s o m e t i m e s b u t it's because j a g a h j a g a h k h e t i ' (literally p lace p lace fields, o r e v e r y w h e r e fa rms, o r n o w h e r e left t o graze) . T h e y used a li t t le r o o m o f t h e Adivassi h o u s e a n d an ou t s ide c a m p s u r r o u n d e d b y leaf fences. F o r this t h e y le t t h e Ad ivas ­sis have t h e an ima l d r o p p i n g s for the i r fields. T h e m i l k t hey sold in t o w n . N o d o u b t o n e day t h e y w o u l d settle h e r e p e r m a n e n t l y . W h e r e else c o u l d t h e y go?

T h e t w o y o u n g w o m e n b e t w e e n t h e m h a d n i n e ch i ld ren , all naked , filthy a n d sick. O n e w o m a n ca r r i ed h e r y o u n g e s t chi ld . It was b r i g h t y e l l o w a n d s h r u n k e n , l ike a m u m m y . It was t w o years o ld a n d h a d n e v e r left h e r breast . S h e fed it n o w w i t h a desu l to ry k i n d o f pa t i ence . I t w o u l d d ie s o o n .

O t h e r w o m e n c a m e over ; o n e was v e r y p r e g n a n t . I said, ' W i l l y o u g o to hospi ta l? ' T h e y l a u g h e d b i t te r ly . S h e answered , ' O f c o u r s e n o t . I'll b e h a v i n g it o u t i n t h e j u n g l e j u s t l ike a n animal . '

' W h o wi l l b e w i t h y o u ? ' 'Her . ' She p o i n t e d to a n o t h e r w o m a n , slightly older . T h e w o m e n ' s a r m s a n d legs w e r e cove red w i t h l u m p s a n d sores,

a n d infec t ions h a d f o r m e d w h e r e t h e silver bracele ts pressed i n t o

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flesh. T h e n I n o t i c e d a m o s t i n c o n g r u o u s th ing . T h e y shaved the i r legs.

T h e m e n c a m e over a n d t h e w o m e n shu t up , cove red t he i r faces a n d w e n t b a c k t o t h e h o u s e . T h e m e n ta lked a b o u t t h e g o l d I m u s t o w n in m y c o u n t r y , m y h o u s e , m y car, h o w m a n y lakhs , h o w m a n y lakhs , h o w m a n y lakhs . T h e real w r e t c h e d n e s s o f p o v ­e r t y was he re . D e s p e r a t i o n , despair, b o r e d o m , helplessness, rage.

La ter tha t day, K o j u s h o w e d u p . D r u n k e n Adivassis h a d s t o n e d his j e e p t h e p r ev ious n i g h t as h e c a m e t h r o u g h t h e hills l o o k i n g for us . T h e y h a d t h r o w n bot t les at t h e w i n d s c r e e n a n d t r i ed t o s top h i m . I h o p p e d i n t h e j e e p w i t h h i m a n d w h e n w e passed s o m e Adivassi s c h o o l c h i l d r e n o n t h e road , h e swerved t h e car at t h e m to f r igh ten t h e m , a n d for t h e first t i m e s ince I'd k n o w n h i m his face b e c a m e ugly .

F r o m K u k a w a s t o Sua roopgan j was t h e m o s t beaut i ful c o u n t r y I 'd seen in Ind ia b u t it was exact ly h e r e tha t w e m u s t n o t t a r ry ; it was t h e w o r s t area for daco i ty in t h e w h o l e o f w e s t e r n Ra ja s than . It was t h e Bhi ls , o r r a the r a c r imina l e l e m e n t w i t h i n t h e Bhi ls , w h o d id t h e daco i ty . C h u t r a a n d K o j u m i m e d the i r t e c h n i q u e . T w o w o u l d fall i n bes ide us , a few w o u l d e m e r g e f rom t h e j u n g l e a n d ga the r b e h i n d us , w h i l e o t h e r s w o u l d b e w a i t i n g u p in t h e hills w i t h t he i r b o w s a n d a r rows . W e really w e r e in danger . T h e s e m e n cu t throa ts a n d ven t i l a ted p e o p l e w i t h a r rows as easily as s k i n n i n g rabbi ts . A n d t h e r e was n o l aw t o s top t h e m .

I have t o confess t o a li t t le thr i l l o f e x c i t e m e n t as I p u l l e d o u t n e x t m o r n i n g . I h a d b e e n so p r o t e c t e d o n this v e n t u r e tha t any sense o f r isk h a d d isappeared l o n g ago. B u t safety d id m a k e for dul l days w i t h o u t edges . K e e p i n g y o u r senses a t t u n e d to d a n g e r m a k e s y o u feel less l ike a p a c k a g e a n d m o r e l ike a p o s t m a n .

K o j u h a d h a d t h e p r e s e n c e o f m i n d t o b r i b e a local p o l i c e m a n i n t o a c c o m p a n y i n g us . T h e p o l i c e m a n was suffering a h a n g o v e r — his flies w e r e u n d o n e a n d his shir t t o r n — b u t h e was w e a r i n g his u n i f o r m w h i c h was all w e r e q u i r e d o f h i m . K o j u s t rapped o n o n e o f t h e pistols. O n h i m i t l o o k e d k i n d o f l o w - s l u n g a n d sexy w h i l e o n C h u t r a it l o o k e d w h a t it was — a toy g u n o n a m i n i a t u r e m a n .

W e h a d o n l y g o n e a m i l e w h e n t w o m e n fell i n bes ide us . T h e y l o o k e d l ike villains. T h e y l o o k e d l ike caricatures o f villains. O n e h a d a scar across his face w h i c h t e r m i n a t e d in an e m p t y

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eye-socke t . B o t h o f t h e m ca r r i ed w h a t m i g h t have b e e n large knives u n d e r the i r shirts. C h u t r a c a m e u p bes ide m e , R u p a a n d D u l l a h c lus tered b e h i n d us. K o j u a n d t h e u n i f o r m revved t h e e n g i n e a n d drove be l l igerent ly in front o f us . I c o u l d tell C h u t r a was te r r i f ied a n d I d idn ' t feel t o o c o c k y myself. Several m i n u t e s passed before o u r dacoi ts t h o u g h t b e t t e r o f it a n d van i shed i n t o t h e w o o d s b y t h e side o f t h e road . W e h e a r d s h o u t i n g . T h e y w e r e cal l ing off the i r c o m r a d e s w h o w a i t e d in a m b u s h fu r ther ahead .

O h j o y , o h e la t ion . C h u t r a h a d e x p a n d e d to t w i c e his size. Koju 's g r i n t o o k o n r id i cu lous p r o p o r t i o n s . W e c o n g r a t u l a t e d each o t h e r o n o u r br i l l iance a n d bravery . B u t really it was t h e men ' s m o m e n t a n d I le t t h e m have it — w a r r i o r s all, a n d n o t so m u c h as a sc ra tch o n t h e package .

O n c e o u t o f t h e w o o d s K o j u drove ah ea d to set u p c a m p w h i l e w e s t o p p e d to feed t h e camels a n d eat a co ld rot i . It was such a p r e t t y p lace — gran i t e o u t c r o p p i n g s w i t h g o o d trees c l u t c h i n g at t h e base. T w o Adivassi shephe rds w e r e s i t t ing o n a rock . O n e b e g a n to play a flute a n d I was ins tant ly t r a n s p o r t e d t o i m a g i n e d t imes — K r i s h n a w i t h t h e G o p i s , o r t h e M e d i t e r r a n e a n at t h e t i m e o f C h r i s t . T h e sweetness a n d p u r i t y o f t h e mus ic , t h e s impl ic i ty a n d h a r m o n y o f this t iny w o r l d filled m e w i t h — w h a t ? Happ iness? O n this t r ip? C o u l d it b e tha t for j u s t a m o m e n t s o m e t h i n g b e a u t i ­ful a n d t r u e p e n e t r a t e d t h e p e r v a d i n g c loud?

'You, w h a t caste are y o u ? ' T h e m u s i c s t opped . 'Adivassi. ' C h u t r a spat a n d d e m a n d e d to b e g iven t h e flute. T h e shy y o u n g

s h e p h e r d b r o u g h t it over, s h r i n k i n g w i t h t e r r o r o f m e a n d s u b m i s ­sive to Chu t r a ' s r udenes s . M y came l m a n m a d e a grea t s h o w o f w a s h i n g t h e reed , t h e n b e g a n to play very , ve ry bad ly . T h e m o m e n t was as i r r e d e e m a b l e as sha t te red glass.

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Pipala vil lage faced o u t f rom its hil l l ike a t h r e a t e n e d an ima l b a c k e d u p against a wal l . A h i g h t h o r n b u s h fence i nd i ca t ed a state o f siege. B u t o n c e ins ide t h e fence , t h e r e was t h e smell o f c lean ea r th a n d hea l thy animals , a n d t h e r e w e r e p e o p l e w i t h at tractive, in te l l igen t faces w h o w e l c o m e d us w i t h tha t o p e n - h e a r t e d n e s s w h i c h o n e can a lmos t b e g i n t o take for g r a n t e d in India .

M a , a w i d o w o f i n d e t e r m i n a t e age a n d fabulous b e a u t y , s h o w e d us o u r r o o m — t h e o t h e r r o o m o f h e r t w o - r o o m h o u s e w h i c h was m a d e o f m u d a n d d u n g a n d f ron ted b y a small, w h i t e - w a s h e d v e r a n d a h c o n t a i n i n g a l ine o f cha rpo i s w h e r e e v e r y o n e slept at n igh t , b a t h e d in each o ther ' s snores . Inside, t h e floor was b e i n g swept b y a to t i n skirts, w h o s e b e s o m was b igge r t h a n she was . O n see ing m e , she a b a n d o n e d h e r b r o o m a n d c l i m b e d o n to m y h i p w h e r e she was t o s p e n d m u c h o f t h e n e x t t w o w e e k s . T h e r e was a t iny fireplace w i t h o u t a c h i m n e y , c o r n s to red in sacks, bales o f w o o l , a w o k full o f c l ipped goa t hair , a clay w a t e r p i t c h e r a n d a c h a r p o i cove red w i t h o n e o f t h e rugs these p e o p l e m a d e a n d w h i c h I c o v e t e d - t h i c k b r o w n c a m e l w o o l w i t h b lack g o a t - h a i r s t r ipes. A s tone s tuck o u t o f t h e wal l a n d o n it was a m e t a l w i c k l a m p w h i c h w o u l d t h r o w a g l i m m e r at n igh t , as spectral as star­l ight . T h e r o o f c o u l d n o t have b e e n r a i n p r o o f as dots a n d lozenges o f l ight fell t h r o u g h it t o t h e floor. A girl i n red a n d silver b r o u g h t w o o d a n d s tacked it i n t h e c o r n e r i n t h e shape o f a C h r i s t m a s t ree , e ach stick p l aced j u s t so. F r o m t h e d o o r w a y o p e n i n g to t h e v e r a n ­dah , a shaft o f s u n c u t i n t o t h e darkness , i l l umina t ing a wal l p a i n t ­i n g o f c ame l a n d r ider . T h e came l was black, t h e r ider , red , a n d o u t o f t h e camel 's c o r n u c o p i a n b u m flowed a s t r eam o f k h a d .

Bar ju M a a n d h e r eldest s o n Pa rabu b h a i w e r e m y hosts . Shan t i

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b e n , Ma ' s daugh te r , h a d b r o u g h t t h e w o o d . T h e e n c h a n t i n g c rea ­tu re o n m y h i p was Ma ' s s e c o n d son's chi ld . H e r h e a d was shaved so she l o o k e d l ike a little p u n k w i t h h e r rows o f silver ea r r ings . She was less t h a n t h r e e years old, y e t she c o u l d s m o o t h e o u t h e r skirts, h o l d h e r h e a d o n o n e side, compres s h e r lips a n d lift h e r gaze at y o u w i t h t h e craft o f a cou r t e san . H e r n a m e was B u b b l i a n d b e t w e e n us it was love at first sight.

T h e camels w e r e t e t h e r e d t o t h e v e r a n d a h , o u r possessions s tacked inside. T h e n t h e r e was t i m e t o talk a n d d r i n k tea. B u b b l i c l i m b e d o n to t h e c h a r p o i t o sit i n m y lap b u t f rom t i m e to t i m e m o v e d across t o h e r g r e a t - g r e a t - g r a n d f a t h e r t o c o m b his l o n g w h i t e b e a r d w h i c h was split i n t o halves.

T h e first t o p i c o f conver sa t ion was t h e B h i l th ieves . H o w t h e y w o u l d a m b u s h t h e w o m e n a n d r i p off the i r j e w e l l e r y , h o l d u p t h e m e n w i t h b o w s a n d a r rows a n d steal t he i r sheep . It was n o t safe for w o m e n t o g o o u t a lone , t h e y m u s t w a l k in g r ou ps o f t en . E a c h a c c o u n t e d an i n c i d e n t tha t h a p p e n e d ' four days a g o ' , ' t w o days a g o ' . Ma ' s h u s b a n d h a d b e e n a v e r y i m p o r t a n t a n d r e spec ted m a n he re . ( T h e r e was a sh r ine to h i m ou t s ide w h e r e M a p r a y e d m o r n ­i n g a n d evening . ) W h e n h e d i ed e v e r y o n e h a d g a t h e r e d at t h e front o f t h e houses , i n t h e c o u r t y a r d , for t h e m o u r n i n g c e r e m o n y . S o m e thieves c h o s e tha t m o m e n t o f d is t rac t ion t o c l imb over t h e b a c k fence a n d steal everyone ' s possessions. T h e disgust o n Koju 's face at such a h i t h e r t o u n i m a g i n e d d e p t h o f h u m a n t r e a c h e r y was o f such in tens i ty tha t I t h o u g h t h e m i g h t d r ive off r i g h t n o w t o skitt le s o m e villains. A n d C h u t r a t o o k this o p p o r t u n i t y t o i n f o r m e v e r y o n e p resen t , 'Ha ha, M a d a m Sahib , you said t h e Adivassis w e r e a v e r y goood caste, a ve ry sweeeet caste.' I i g n o r e d h i m .

' B u t w h y is n o t h i n g d o n e officially t o s top t h e m ? ' T h e Bhils pa id m o n e y for p r o t e c t i o n to t h e local cops plus a p e r c e n t a g e o f t h e take, a ce r ta in a m o u n t o f w h i c h p e r c o l a t e d all t h e way t o t h e t o p t o t h e S u p e r i n t e n d e n t o f Po l ice in Si rohi . I said I w o u l d visit t ha t S P a n d d e m a n d to k n o w w h y , after all these years o f exp lo i t a ­t i o n a n d r o b b e r y , w h e n e v e r y o n e k n e w w h o a n d w h e r e t h e c r i m i ­nals w e r e , n o arrests h a d b e e n m a d e he re , n o t o n e . E v e r y o n e t h o u g h t this was a n exce l len t idea b u t l ike m a n y exce l len t ideas d u r i n g this j o u r n e y , t h e s t reng th , m o r a l a n d physical , o n e n e e d e d t o b r i n g t h e m a b o u t gave o u t . I n e v e r d id con f ron t t h e S P be¬

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cause life w h i r l e d m e off i n a n o t h e r d i r ec t ion a n d I n e e d e d all m y p r e s e n c e o f m i n d j u s t t o h o l d o n . K o j u said, 'All po l i ce are r o t t e n in Ind ia b u t t h e w o r s t are i n Ra jas than . In o t h e r states t h e y take small b r ibe s only. '

Ma ' s h u s b a n d h a d obv ious ly b e e n as e x c e p t i o n a l as she was . W h e r e life was so close t o dea th , so u n p r o t e c t e d f rom it, o n e mis take sen t y o u over t h e edge . B u t w i t h cleverness y o u c o u l d b u i l d a small safe p lace for you r se l f a n d y o u r family. T h e i r a n c e s ­tors h a d m i g r a t e d f rom t h e n o r t h several gene ra t i ons ago. ( O n l y t h e R a o w o u l d b e able t o tell m e h o w m a n y . ) C o m p a r e d w i t h t h e R a b a r i u p t h e road , t h e y w e r e r i c h b u t the i r w e a l t h s h o w e d in a subt le c o n f i d e n c e a n d w e l l - b e i n g , t he i r ease w i t h laughter , r a t h e r t h a n i n a n y t h i n g conc re t e . As C h u t r a h a d r e m a r k e d w h e n w e first c a m e in , ' T h i s is not p o o r m a n . H e lives like p o o r m a n , n o fancy c lo thes , b u t his m o n e y is m u c h . T h i s is in te l l igen t caste, especially t h e w o m e n . ' S o o n the i r herds w o u l d b e h e a d i n g o u t t o Idar area w h e r e I h a d recen t ly b e e n . T w o o r t h r e e w o m e n w o u l d g o to d o t h e c o o k i n g . Pe rhaps I w o u l d g o w i t h t h e m ?

T h a t was t h e b e g i n n i n g o f a fantasy tha t sus ta ined m e for days. I w o u l d take o n l y R a m R a h i m w i t h m e o n t h e d a n g a n d send C h u t r a , R u p a a n d D u l l a h h o m e w i t h t h e pr incesses . T h e n , w h e n it was t i m e t o leave t h e d a n g , I c o u l d h i re a m a n a n d wife f rom this vil lage t o w a l k h o m e w i t h m e . I w o u l d slink i n t o m y r o o m , close t h e d o o r , lie o n t h e c h a r p o i a n d drift i n t o a w o r l d i n w h i c h t h e r e was n o C h u t r a a n d n o cameras . O f course , even t h e n , I d id n o t a l low myse l f t o ge t t o o a t t ached to this idea because b y n o w I k n e w tha t any p lan o f m i n e was d o o m e d to failure b y t h e s imple fact o f it b e i n g w h a t I w a n t e d to do .

T h a t n i g h t at a b o u t t e n , l ike d e m o n s c o n j u r e d f rom o u r conve r sa ­t i o n , t h e p o l i c e ar r ived , d r u n k a n d d e m a n d i n g m o n e y . T h e y h a d seen t h e j e e p a n d w h o e v e r was w e a l t h y e n o u g h t o o w n a j e e p was w e a l t h y e n o u g h t o pay b i g b r ibes . W h e n t hey saw tha t t h e j eep ' s o w n e r was w h i t e a n d h a d o n e large, qu i e t R a j p u t a n d o n e small , shril l R a i k a to p r o t e c t h e r - because t hey h a d b e e n h i red , as C h u t r a p o i n t e d o u t several t imes , b y t h e R o y a l H o u s e o f J o d h p u r for t ha t p u r p o s e - a n d w h e n ce r ta in h i g h - u p n a m e s w e r e d r o p p e d l ike rocks o n t he i r heads , t h e p o l i c e m e n ' s faces b e c a m e pasty. B u t t h e y w e r e in t o o d e e p n o w t o b a c k o u t , m u c h to Koju 's a n d

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Chu t r a ' s de l ight , because t hey c o u l d play w i t h these t w o m i c e as t h e y l iked. To save face, t h e po l i ce d e m a n d e d passports a n d regis t ra­t i o n d o c u m e n t s . It was obv ious tha t t h e y h a d n e v e r seen such th ings before a n d d id n o t q u i t e k n o w w h i c h w a y t o h o l d t h e m . T h e n e x t d e m a n d , therefore , was ent i re ly pred ic tab le . D i d I have a C fo rm?

C h u t r a l a u g h e d operat ical ly . ' W h y , I d o believe, ' h e said, w i p i n g his eyes, ' tha t y o u c a n n o t read Engl i sh! ' (As t h e y d id n o t speak Engl i sh , this s e e m e d credible . T h e i r l i te rary skills, even in H i n d i , w e r e p robab ly o n a pa r w i t h Koju's.) 'Because if y o u could, ' w e n t o n C h u t r a , ' y o u w o u l d see tha t this passpor t is n o t on ly val id for J o d h p u r b u t for t h e w h o l e o f India! ' H e r e , C h u t r a p u s h e d t h e passpor t u n d e r t h e po l i ceman ' s nose , j a b b i n g his f inger at a l ine o f p r i n t i n g .

Even tua l ly w e w e r e left t o savour o u r v i c to ry . I asked all t hose g a t h e r e d a r o u n d t o es t imate h o w m u c h p e r year t hey m i g h t pay i n b r ibes . It was d e p e n d e n t o n w h a t h a p p e n e d i n tha t year, t hey said, b u t even in a boun t i fu l yea r it w o u l d b e at least t w o t h o u s a n d r u p e e s f rom each family t o po l i ce a n d t o forest officers.

C h u t r a said, 'Fores t officers say, " N o , y o u can ' t e n t e r he re . " T h e n y o u give t h e m m o n e y a n d t h e y say, " O h , O K . Ce l lo , c e l l o ! ' " (move a long , m o v e a long) . E v e r y o n e b e g a n t o c h i m e in , 'Tha t ' s it. " C e l l o , c e l l o ! " ' a n d t hey w a v e d the i r a r m s as a traffic c o p m i g h t t o let t h r o u g h a s t r eam o f traffic. C h u t r a was en joy ing his a u d i e n c e .

H e p o i n t e d t o m e a n d said i n a m i x t u r e o f H i n d i a n d Engl i sh , ' M a d a m Sahib n o t u n d e r s t a n d . Po l ice b i g thief, g o v e r n m e n t se r ­van t thief. All pub l i c i n Ind ia b ig t h i e f T h e n h e a d d e d i n H i n d i , ' I n Ind ia paisa is g o d . Paisa is m o t h e r a n d father.' T h e r e was a genera l m u r m u r o f a g r e e m e n t a n d e v e r y o n e smi led t h e res igned, cynical , I n d i a n k i n d o f smile b u t I d id n o t forget t h e R a b a r i s w h o h a d b r i b e d an official t o ge t r i d o f Jaswant j i .

It is m y s t e r i o u s t o m e w h y in t imac ies s h o u l d f o r m w i t h s o m e p e o p l e so easily a n d qu ick ly , y e t w i t h o the r s , n o t at all. Pe rhaps it was s imply t h e g o o d h u m o u r h e r e o r t h e h i g h fence k e e p i n g o u t t h e w o r l d . W h a t e v e r t h e reason, a n d despi te t h e frustrat ions o f l anguage , b o n d s o f affection g r e w w i t h e v e r y o n e i n this family, especially t h e r e d o u b t a b l e M a . As Za l i was again ill a n d I h a d

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d e v e l o p e d s o m e sor t o f l u n g in fec t ion , I d e c i d e d t o base myse l f h e r e for a w h i l e . M o u n t A b u was o n l y t w o h o u r s ' d r ive away. I c o u l d z o o m u p the re t o f ind a vet , r i n g Di l ip a n d g r u m b l e l o n g ­dis tance to N a r e n d r a .

T h e vet , w h o h a d w o r k e d specifically o n t h e diseases passed f r o m came l t o m a n , exp l a ined to m e w h a t t h e y w e r e : Q fever f rom m y h o m e state i n Austral ia , T B , brucel los is , rabies , t a p e w o r m a n d t rypanosomias i s (s leeping sickness). N o w , I h a d always d o n e a lo t o f kissing o f R a m R a h i m ' s lips a n d a lo t o f b l o w i n g i n t o his nostr i ls . H e h a d d o n e a lo t o f b l o w i n g i n t o m y nostr i ls a n d n u z ­z l ing o f m y n e c k , ears a n d nose . W e w e r e fond o f each o the r .

' A n d h o w are these diseases passed, D o c t o r ? ' ' M o s t o f t h e m t h r o u g h t h e b r e a t h , ' h e said. So t h e r e it was . I h a d T B , brucel los is a n d t a p e w o r m . W h a t a

rel ief it was t o k n o w tha t t h e r e w e r e ve ry g o o d reasons for feel ing as m o r i b u n d as I d id . H o w h a p p y a n d wel l I felt, all o f a s u d d e n , because I wasn ' t a h y p o c h o n d r i a c a n d c o u l d c h e c k i n t o a hospi ta l any o ld t i m e w h e r e I w o u l d receive lots o f s y m p a t h y a n d a t t e n t i o n because e v e r y o n e w o u l d b e able t o i m a g i n e h o w m u c h I h a d b e e n suffering ( h o w d id she k e e p g o i n g w i t h all t h o s e diseases?) a n d h o w bravely. Za l i rece ived half a d o z e n in jec t ions a n d I rece ived t w o .

B a c k in Pipala s o m e family f r ic t ion h a d d e v e l o p e d over t h e sale o f sheep m a n u r e . (In o n e m o n t h Pa rabu w o u l d e a r n t w o t h o u s a n d r u p e e s f rom t h e sale o f k h a d , so it was m a j o r i n c o m e . ) M a a n d h e r husband ' s b ro the r ' s wi fe n e g o t i a t e d t h e p r i c e w i t h t h e t r u c k -dr iver w h o w o u l d take it t o J o d h p u r for sale - a lively i n t e r c h a n g e in w h i c h y o u w o u l d t h i n k m u r d e r was b e i n g t h r e a t e n e d b u t w h i c h e n d e d in smiles. T h e m o n e y w o u l d b e d iv ided a c c o r d i n g t o t h e n u m b e r o f sheep o w n e d . M a con t ro l l ed this d i s t r ibu t ion , w h i l e t h e ro le o f t h e j u n i o r w o m e n was t o c o o k , c lean a n d accep t h e r a scendancy w i t h o u t ques t i on .

M a was upse t . She c a m e t o sit w i t h m e , t h r o w i n g glances over h e r s h o u l d e r a n d a n n o u n c i n g loud ly . ' M y first d a u g h t e r - i n - l a w is g o o d a n d s imple b u t m y y o u n g e r son's wife , h e r habi ts are v e r y b a d . W h e n I d iv ide u p t h e k h a d m o n e y , she w a n t s m o r e a n d more . ' I t h o u g h t I pe rce ived a d e e p e r reason for t h e f r ic t ion b e ­t w e e n t h o s e t w o . Y o u n g e r d a u g h t e r - i n - l a w was a C a r m e n k i n d o f

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charac te r a n d n u m b e r t w o s o n p a n t e d after h e r like a p u p p y . T h e o lde r son's wife was also beaut i ful b u t Pa rabu was n o t b e s o t t e d b y her . H e was a m a n aware o f his responsibi l i t ies t o his family a n d his c o m m u n i t y . It was to M a h e w e n t for advice , M a w h o was t h e first love in his life a n d w i t h w h o m h e shared his p o w e r . D e s p i t e h e r w i d o w ' s w e e d s M a was a sexually p o t e n t w o m a n a n d t he re was s o m e t h i n g unse t t l i ng a b o u t t h e w a y she m u t t e r e d so i n t i ­m a t e l y w i t h h e r g r o w n - u p son . As if t h e c o r d b e t w e e n t h e m h a d n e v e r b e e n b r o k e n . N u m b e r t w o son , o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , h a d b e t r a y e d his m o t h e r b y falling in love w i t h his wife .

B y t h e n e x t day t h e surface o f life h a d r e t u r n e d t o ca lm, as if t h e r i pp l e f rom s o m e s u b - a q u e o u s d i s tu rbance h a d n e v e r o c c u r r e d .

W h e n I wasn ' t d i rec t ly involved in t h e c h o r e o g r a p h y o f vil lage life I w o u l d sit o n m y c h a r p o i a n d w a t c h t h e p e r f o r m a n c e : Parabu 's heavi ly p r e g n a n t wife c a r r y i n g bales o f hay o u t t o t h e l ambs in a p e n , s tack ing grass i n an ea r t h shelter, l ift ing po t s o f w a t e r o n to h e r h e a d — as u n e n c u m b e r e d b y h e r g rea t bel ly as a w h a l e in t h e sea; t e n boys c o m i n g h o m e f r o m schoo l a n d i m m e d i ­ately g o i n g o u t t o t h e herds ; Pa rabu ge t t i ng feed for t h e animals w i t h a fo rked st ick a n d a r o p e ; little girls g r i n d i n g c o r n g a t h e r e d f rom small fields at t h e back ; t w o y o u n g w o m e n s e w i n g in t h e sunsh ine ; B u b b l i t o t t e r i n g after h e r m o t h e r t o t h e wel l , ba l anc ing a t iny p o t o n h e r head ; M a w a l k i n g t e n mi les i n t o t o w n t o b u y g o o d s , c a r r y i n g b u n d l e s h o m e as if t h e y c o n t a i n e d feathers n o t flour; m e n s p i n n i n g w o o l a n d s m o k i n g ; w o m e n sweep ing , s t i r ­r i n g ch aac h (bu t t e rmi lk ) , m e d i c a t i n g animals , bo i l i ng tea, c l ea r ing t h e c o u r t y a r d o f every last d r o p p i n g a n d c a r r y i n g head loads to h e a p ou t s ide t h e fence, w a s h i n g c lo thes , g r i n d i n g c o r n a n d w h e a t , p las te r ing walls, res tack ing fences, g r i n d i n g m o r e c o r n , s w e e p i n g again, c o o k i n g again, a n d o n a n d o n l ike a slow, u n e n d ­i n g wal tz .

W h e n e v e r I h e l p e d to m a k e t h e c h a a c h a n d ghee , o r sat i n a c o r n e r o f t h e v e r a n d a h g r i n d i n g c o r n , I h a d t o strain against a c h i n g muscles a n d t i ck l ing sweat, w h e r e a s t h e y c o u l d g o o n for h o u r s , k n o w i n g tha t r h y t h m a n d g race are t h e f o u n d a t i o n s o f d o i n g a n d tha t y o u m u s t n e v e r t h i n k a b o u t w o r k i n g un t i l t h e w o r k is d o n e .

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E a c h a f t e r n o o n d u r i n g t h e h o u r o r t w o o f rest f rom t h e day's effort, t h e w o m e n t o o k m e as far i n t o the i r c o n f i d e n c e as l a n ­g u a g e a n d p r o p r i e t y w o u l d allow. O r t h e y w o u l d play w i t h m e , dressing m e u p in t he i r c lo thes , d e c k i n g m e w i t h t he i r j ewe l s . I asked t h e m if bangles all t h e w a y t o t he i r a r m p i t s w e r e a b o t h e r . ' A t first it takes a little ge t t i ng u s e d to , b u t t h e bangles are useful w h e n y o u f ight w i t h y o u r husband . ' It was also exp la ined tha t a w o m a n ' s plait , of ten increased in l e n g t h b y r i b b o n s , was l ike t h e lead t o a came l . A h u s b a n d c o u l d c o n t r o l his wife b y m e a n s o f this lead a n d in a fight c o u l d g rab h o l d o f it a n d t h r o w h e r d o w n . ' B u t y o u can h i t h i m b a c k w i t h y o u r bangles l ike this, ' said o n e , a n d she d e m o n s t r a t e d o n t h e wi ld ly g igg l ing girls a r o u n d her . W h e n I asked M a if it was a rel ief w h e n she b r o k e he r s , I real ized I h a d asked a cul tural ly u n i n t e r p r e t a b l e q u e s t i o n . I h a d m e a n t was it a physical relief, a f reeing up?

' N o t at all. I t was m y husband ' s d e a t h a n d w h o was t o b e m y c o m p a n i o n a n d h e l p e r t hen? T h e responsibi l i ty c a m e to m e a n d I was full o f grief.' She shifted h e r g lance to t h e s e c o n d d a u g h t e r -in- law. ' W h o w o u l d he lp m e h a n d l e t h e w a y w a r d m e m b e r s o f t h e family w h e n h e died? F o r daugh te r s , t h e m o t h e r is indispensable . T h e y wi l l always love her . B u t for sons, t h e m o t h e r is of ten d o n e away w i t h w h e n t h e y m a r r y . W h a t can o n e d o t h e n , a n d w h o can give he lp if t h e h u s b a n d is g o n e ? '

Parabu 's father's b ro the r ' s wife c a m e to say hel lo . Surpr i s ing ly , she was v e r y y o u n g . A n d ve ry , ve ry p o o r . T h i s was o n e o f t h e m a i n social p r o b l e m s h e r e - i m p o v e r i s h e d w i d o w s . M e n t e n d e d t o d ie y o u n g , f r o m acc idents o r m u r d e r w h i l e o n m i g r a t i o n o r o u t w i t h t he i r sheep . B u t n o m a t t e r h o w des t i tu te t h e w i d o w s w e r e , t hey w e r e n o t a l lowed t o w o r k ou t s ide t h e vil lage. T h i s y o u n g w i d o w h a d t h r e e sons — t w o babies a n d o n e w h o h a d passed n i n t h g rade . T h e o lde r s o n n o w w o r k e d in a s h o p for t w o h u n d r e d r u p e e s a m o n t h a n d w i t h tha t s u p p o r t e d t h e family. She o w n e d n o sheep o r animals . I asked if t h e rest o f t h e family w o u l d he lp h e r f inancially if she was in t roub le . I t s e e m e d n o t . A n d w o u l d she m a r r y again? ' N o . I have t h r ee ch i ld ren , so t h e r e is n o n e e d o f a n o t h e r h u s b a n d . If I h a d h a d n o ch i ld ren , t h e n , pe rhaps . . .'

T h e r e was a lo t o f affection displayed h e r e , j u s t as t h e r e h a d b e e n w i t h t h e Ku tch i s . B u t un l ike t h e Ku tch i s , these w o m e n w e r e

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m u c h m o r e sexual ly frank w i t h m e . M a w o u l d l o o k d o w n t h e front o f m y dress t o see if I w o r e a ' b louse ' . T h e n she w o u l d pul l o u t m y b ra strap t o display t o e v e r y o n e . She w o u l d tease h e r d a u g h t e r b y p i n c h i n g at h e r b u d d i n g breasts a n d t a lk ing a b o u t h e r m a r r i a g e . T h e y w o u l d fall a b o u t l a u g h i n g , t h e girl embar ra s sed b u t r a t h e r p r o u d . She w o u l d h i t h e r m o t h e r a g rea t affect ionate wal lop . T h e r e was talk, t o o , o f t h e rel ief o f m e n o p a u s e , o f t h e c l imac te r i c b e i n g t h e happ ies t t i m e o f life, even if y o u r h u s b a n d h a d d i e d a n d y o u h a d t o s h o u l d e r t h e family b u r d e n s o n y o u r o w n .

D i l i p a r r ived in t i m e to p h o t o g r a p h a w e d d i n g at a n e i g h b o u r ­i n g village. It was t o b e a b i g s h o w a n d I was t o l e n d o n e o f t h e b r i d e g r o o m s m y camel . If ever t h e r e w e r e a li t t le j o b for a c a m e l t o do , l ike g o i n g o u t at t h e e n d o f t h e day t o ca r ry h o m e c u t feed, it was always R a m R a h i m w h o c o p p e d it . T h i s t i m e I p ro te s t ed .

' C h u t r a , ' I said, ' t ha t disgracefully o b e s e M o m a l has d o n e n o t h ­i n g b u t eat for days a n d p o o r li t t le R a m R a h i m is as sk inny as a b o n e . I insist t ha t y o u use M o m a l for t h e w e d d i n g . ' ( R e m e m b e r , please tha t w h a t i n fact I said was s o m e t h i n g l ike, ' C h u t r a , v e r y -very- fa t M o m a l , l o n g t i m e ea t ing on ly . S i t t ing . Li t t le R a m R a h i m v e r y - v e r y - t h i n , s i ck - th in . O K b e t t e r M o m a l take absolu te ly w e d ­d i n g for. ')

C h u t r a g o t tha t long-suf fe r ing l o o k a n d p o i n t e d o u t t h e o b v i ­o u s . ' A b r i d e g r o o m c a n n o t r i d e a female camel . ' So R a m R a h i m ' s tail was t i ed u p t o display his bare ly d r o p p e d balls a n d M o m a l ' s f inery was d r a p e d over his p u n y h u m p .

B y t h e t i m e Di l i p a n d I r e a c h e d t h e vil lage, t h e fire c e r e m o n y h a d b e e n c o m p l e t e d a n d t h e t h r ee b r i d e g r o o m s sat o n separate cha rpo i s , i m m o b i l e u n d e r the i r regalia. T h e y w e r e s u r r o u n d e d b y b r o t h e r s , fa thers , unc les - six o r e igh t m e n c r a m m e d to a c h a r p o i . T h e vil lage itself bu r s t at t h e seams w i t h p e o p l e . M e n i n t he i r bes t l a u n d e r e d w h i t e s a n d b l o o d - c o l o u r e d tu rbans , t he i r go ld , b e a t e n i n t o h e a r t s h a p e d shields a n d s t u d d e d w i t h p r ec ious g e m s , o n d i s ­play a r o u n d the i r necks . T h e w o m e n ' s c lo thes t i n t e d p i n k t o red , t he i r meta ls sca t t e r ing l ight . T h a t rare t h i n g — a R a b a r i pub l i c servant — fat a n d absurd i n his caste gear w h i c h h e w o u l d o n l y w e a r for occas ions l ike this . E v e r y o n e else r a n g y as wolves , t he i r fat m e l t e d off b y s u n a n d w o r k , the i r sh rewdness s h o w i n g in go ld .

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U n t i l n o w I h a d j u d g e d chi ld w e d d i n g s , at least w i t h i n this c o m m u n i t y , a sensible w a y o f dea l ing w i t h pract ica l l imi ta t ions . T h e girls r e t u r n e d t o c o m p l e t e t he i r p u b e s c e n c e at h o m e a n d t h e va r ious g r o u p s o f R a b a r i I h a d m e t w e r e u n i t e d o n this p o i n t : ch i ld b r ide s w e r e all r igh t , ch i ld m o t h e r s w e r e n o t . B u t n o w I wasn ' t so sure. O n e o f t h e b r ides was four o r five years o ld a n d h e r t e r r o r was so t r e m e n d o u s I t h o u g h t she m i g h t pass ou t . A d o z e n m e n s t o o d over h e r w i t h swords d r a w n , h e r m o t h e r was n o w h e r e i n sight, t h e r e was b a n g i n g a n d c rash ing a n d s h o u t i n g a n d frenzy, a n d she herse l f was sc reaming . All she k n e w was tha t she was b e i n g sen t f rom h e r h o m e t o stay i n a s t range p lace w i t h s t range p e o p l e w h o pa id n o a t t e n t i o n t o h e r cries for h e r m o t h e r . Grea t gent leness w o u l d n o d o u b t b e s h o w n h e r b y h e r in - laws at this stage b u t , even so, t h e t r a u m a w o u l d surely stay w i t h h e r forever. A n d t h e m o t h e r ? T h e r e she was ou ts ide , c u t off f rom h e r chi ld , w e e p i n g .

Jogis e m p l o y e d for t h e occas ion w e r e p o u n d i n g hea r tbea t s o n skin d r u m s . S o m e o n e said tha t t h e br ide ' s bangles h a d b e e n b r o k e n b u t I c o u l d n ' t b e sure w h a t was g o i n g o n . P e o p l e w e r e j o s t l i ng each o ther . T h e r e was b o o z e a r o u n d . E x c i t e m e n t passed t h r o u g h t h e c r o w d l ike c o n t a g i o n . W h e n I c a u g h t a g l impse o f Di l ip , h e s e e m e d to b e involved i n an a l te rca t ion . I felt myse l f ca r r i ed a l o n g w i t h a m o b past a d a n c i n g c o m p e t i t i o n b e t w e e n t h e w o m e n o f t w o castes. T h e y faced off against e ach o t h e r as if at war . T w o small s tones l a n d e d o n m y back . T h e y w e r e t h r o w n b y ch i ld ren s t and ing o n a roof. T h e m u s i c a n d t h e frenzy h a d b r o k e n the i r restraint a n d it was as if t h e i m p u l s e t o t h r o w arose n o t f rom be l l ige rence b u t f rom a desire t o cause a r eac t ion , t o c o n n e c t . Pe rhaps a lo t o f v i o l e n c e b e g i n s l ike tha t . I n any case it was t i m e t o

W i t h D i l i p a r o u n d , t h e days t r ans fo rmed . H e f o u n d lit t le t o in teres t o r o c c u p y h i m in t h e vil lage. H e was i m p a t i e n t for a different India , w h e r e t h e e lec t r ic i ty w o r k e d a n d t h e pol i t ic ians d id t he i r j o b s a n d p e o p l e h a d fewer ch i ld ren a n d m o r e ma te r i a l possessions. N o t on ly d id h e n o t r o m a n t i c i z e I n d i a n vil lage life, it s e e m e d t o g ra te against his soul , a n d h e c o u l d f ind n o b e a u t y in it. W h e n h e sugges ted w e b o o k i n t o a h o t e l i n M o u n t A b u r a the r t h a n t w i d d l e o u r t h u m b s in this b o r i n g place, I ag reed .

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N a r e n d r a drove f r o m J o d h p u r t o see m e . I spen t m o s t o f t h e t i m e c o m p l a i n i n g a b o u t a ce r ta in u n t h wal lah a n d t h r e a t e n i n g t o send h i m h o m e so I c o u l d h e a d off w i t h t h e shephe rds o n m y o w n . T h i s b i d for a u t o n o m y d i s tu rbed m y f r iend w h o s e p r i m a r y m o t i v a t i o n in h e l p i n g m e , I was b e g i n n i n g t o see, was t o m a k e sure I s tayed alive. W h e n w e p a r t e d h e said, 'You a n d C h u t r a are i l lustrat ions o f t h e o ld M a r w a r i p rove rb : T w o o n e - e y e d m e n c a n n o t ge t o n a n d y e t c a n n o t separate. ' H e l a u g h e d a n d r e p e a t e d i t t o K o j u , w h o t u r n e d away to h i d e his g r i n . I h a d m y o w n p rove rb r ega rd ing C h u t r a : O n a l o n g j o u r n e y , even a s t raw is heavy .

W h e n I r e t u r n e d t o Pipala, Parabu 's wife h a d h a d h e r b a b y — a son . Pa rabu sat ou t s ide , g r i n n i n g . Ins ide it was dark a n d dus ty . H i s wife lay o n a c h a r p o i , b e h i n d a cu r t a in , a n d bes ide h e r was t h e y o u n g e s t life I'd ever seen. M a was exhaus t ed , h a v i n g h e l p e d h e r d a u g h t e r - i n - l a w t h r o u g h o u t t h e n i g h t a n d p rev ious day. M a i n d i ­ca ted tha t it h a d b e e n a b r e a c h b i r t h a n d tha t t h e m o t h e r was bad ly t o r n . T h e y h a d t h o u g h t she w o u l d die , b u t G o d h a d p u l l e d h e r t h r o u g h . She c o u l d h o l d n o t h i n g in h e r s t o m a c h , n o t even water , b u t she h a d n o fever. I sat bes ide h e r a n d p l aced m y h a n d o n h e r forehead . S h e was still fully dressed in all h e r bangles a n d t h e plaits pu l l i ng h e r ha i r so t ight ly f rom t h e scalp w e r e d a m p . She was t h e c o l o u r o f corpses . B i g tears s q u e e z e d o u t o f m y eyes. T h e y w e r e c o m p l i c a t e d tears . T h e h o r r i b l e marve l lous s t rangeness o f life. A n g e r tha t Za l i h a d rece ived b e t t e r m e d i c a l a t t e n t i o n t h a n this w o m a n . Grief, I suppose , tha t m y o w n r ep roduc t ive days w e r e over, a fact tha t I h a d h a d n o o p p o r t u n i t y t o assimilate b u t tha t w a i t e d for j u s t s u c h a m o m e n t t o a m b u s h m e . T h e w o m e n w a t c h e d m e , c o m m e n t e d a n d l a u g h e d gent ly . M a p a t t e d m y h e a d as if t o say, H o w s e n t i m e n t a l these w e s t e r n e r s are. As if b i r t h isn ' t an everyday t h i n g , l ike ea t ing o r w o r k i n g o r dy ing . Bes ides , this is a w o m a n ' s lo t . W h o e v e r h e a r d o f m e d i c i n e s for such a th ing? M e n die o n m i g r a t i o n ; w o m e n in ch i ldb i r th . B e i n g alive is a d a n g e r o u s business.

T h r e e days la ter Parabu 's wife was able t o sit u p o n t h e side o f t h e b e d a n d smile wan ly . She s h o w e d m e t h e scrap o f life w h i c h h a d a lmos t ki l led h e r a n d w i t h w h i c h she h a d ent i re ly fallen in love.

T h e n e x t day a b a b y came l d ied . It h a d b e e n b o r n in t h e c o u r t -

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ya rd t w o days earlier. T h e m o t h e r was desolate , called a n d called, a n d fo l lowed t h e m e n a r o u n d . T h e y cu t off t h e d e a d calf's tail a n d h u n g it u p for h e r t o smell as t h e y m i l k e d her . A lit t le o f t h e m i l k was g iven t o Parabu 's baby .

T h e flocks w e r e leav ing a n d I h a d still n o t m a d e u p m y m i n d w h e t h e r t o travel w i t h t h e m o r n o t . C e r t a i n l y I w o u l d go o u t for a n i g h t o r t w o so tha t Di l ip c o u l d take p h o t o s , b u t t o c o n t i n u e w i t h t h e m n o w s e e m e d l e e c h e d o f validity. D i l i p h a d b r o u g h t w i t h h i m tha t o t h e r reali ty. J o d h p u r was on ly a few h o u r s ' d r ive away, n o t a few w e e k s ' wa lk . T h e w o r l d o f cars, ho te l s , t e l e p h o n e s , m e d i c i n e a n d magaz ines s u p e r i m p o s e d itself u p o n t h e w o r l d o f villages, w a l k i n g , h u n g e r , dacoi ts a n d dea ths . T w o wor lds , t w o t imes , u n t o u c h e d b y each o t h e r y e t o c c u p y i n g equ iva len t space. To refuse t o live in t h e safe o n e , t h e easy o n e , was m e r e s t u b b o r n n e s s .

W e h e a d e d o u t in t h e m o r n i n g a n d despi te t h e d e m a n d s o f t h e c a m e r a it was n i ce to b e m o v i n g w i t h p e o p l e again. B u b b l i r an to ca tch u p w i t h m e for t h e first few h u n d r e d yards a n d tha t m a d e e v e r y o n e l augh . M a t o o k t h e lead w i t h Parabu , l e a n i n g i n t o h i m as if i n consp i racy , h e r h ips sw ing ing , h e r son b e n d i n g t o ca tch h e r w o r d s . W e w a l k e d a b o u t t e n mi les a n d c a m p e d in o p e n g r o u n d . T w o o f m y favouri tes , Shan t i o f t h e b u d d i n g breasts , a n d Sina, h e r b ro the r , c a m e t o sleep w i t h m e in t h e t en t . T h e y t o o k off t he i r shoes to enter , t he i r voices d r o p p e d a n d the i r f ingers g razed t h e o r a n g e n y l o n as if it w e r e b l o w n glass.

T h e fo l lowing a f t e r n o o n I left t h e d a n g so tha t I c o u l d b e p h o t o g r a p h e d w a l k i n g t h r o u g h t h e Aravallis - a visual r e c o n s t r u c ­t i o n o f t h e p rev ious w e e k s . I assured M a tha t I w o u l d m e e t u p w i t h t h e m o n t h e w a y b a c k b u t she was bes ide herself, insis t ing tha t I r e m a i n w i t h t h e m as far as M o u n t A b u road , tha t h a v i n g m e t so for tu i tous ly w e s h o u l d n o t pa r t . W e w o u l d b e safer if w e stayed toge the r . ( T h e y w e r e h e a d i n g i n t o d a n g e r o u s hill t racts, w h e r e t h e o d d s o f b e i n g r o b b e d , k i d n a p p e d o r m u r d e r e d w e r e u n c o m f o r t a b l y h igh. )

B a c k w a r d s a n d forwards for t h e p h o t o s . S t and still, t u r n , w a l k b a c k t h e o t h e r way . T h e sun c l imb ing , b u r n i n g m y nose , m y bra in . It was imposs ib le for m e t o leave any pa r t o f myse l f o p e n because o u t o f tha t o p e n i n g m i g h t c o m e a flame o f rage. W e r e a c h e d

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Kukawas forest l o d g e in t h e e v e n i n g a n d I w e n t s t raight t o b e d . Fantasies o f q u i t t i n g a n d h a n d i n g t h e nose l ines over t o Di l ip c r o w d e d t h e pil low. B u t o f c o u r s e I w o u l d g o o n , joylessly, angr i ly , p r o p e l l e d b y t h e m o m e n t u m o f past dec is ions . K o j u b r o u g h t i n t h e g in . I b a d e h i m sit a n d share a d r i n k .

' N o , M e m s a h i b . N o t w h i l e I ' m o n duty . ' B u t h e sat for a w h i l e a n d t o o k a t iny sip. 'Are y o u all r igh t , M e m s a h i b ? '

' I ' m all r igh t , K o j u j i . ' O n t h e w a y b a c k to t h e d a n g , w e passed o n e o f t h e y o u n g

shepherds o n t h e road . W h e n h e l ea rn t t ha t I h a d d e c i d e d n o t t o c o n t i n u e w i t h t h e m , tha t this was in fact g o o d b y e , h e burs t i n t o tears a n d s tood , u n a b l e t o speak. W e d id o u r namashka r s ; h e t o o k m y fo lded hands in his, t h e n t u r n e d t o t e n d his sheep .

W h e n w e e n t e r e d t h e d a n g , e v e r y o n e k n e w o f m y dec i s ion . M a g r e e t e d m e a n d t h r e w d o w n a c a m e l - h a i r m a t for m e to sit o n . I gave Shan t i an e m b r o i d e r e d p u r s e w h i c h she h a d a d m i r e d . She t o o k it b e m u s e d l y a n d gave it back . ' I t b e l o n g s to y o u now, ' I said. It was as if I'd g iven h e r a p o t o f go ld . I h a d o n e last c u p o f tea w i t h all m y fr iends s i t t ing a r o u n d m e i n si lence. M a t u c k e d a s t rand o f ha i r b e h i n d m y ear a n d w h i s p e r e d s o m e t h i n g a b o u t B h a g w a n . As I t u r n e d to go, she t o o k m y h a n d a n d kissed it t w i c e o n t h e top , t w i c e o n t h e p a l m , in t h e R a b a r i way .

22

T h r e e days la ter w e m a d e c a m p at a we l l t u c k e d u n d e r a b a n y a n t ree as full o f wor lds as t h e Q u a n g l e - W a n g l e ' s ha t . A R a b a r i s h r i n e — a little incense , s o m e cand leho lde r s — was set i n t o t h e k n o b b l y b o l e a r o u n d w h i c h was a m u d - s m o o t h e d p l a t fo rm. A s h e p h e r d c a m e t w i c e eve ry day to t e n d it. H e was t h e g r e a t - g r a n d s o n o f t h e ances to r w h o , fifty years ago, chased an Adivassi w h o h a d s to len his buffalo to this ve ry spot , w h e r e ­u p o n t h e Adivassi h a d ki l led h i m w i t h his b o w a n d arrow. Bes ide t h e wel l was a vast talab (dam) and , b e h i n d that , t h e b l u e Aravalli hills.

T h e talab was e m p t y b u t t h r e a d e d t h r o u g h t h e g r e e n grass i n its basin w e r e strips o f silver water . I t o o k Za l i for walks the re . C r a n e s , spoonbi l l s , ducks , dot tere ls , geese, p lovers rose a n d sank as h e dashed h imse l f i n t o t h e m u d , sk idded , f lung h imse l f backwards , leapt after a Saras c rane t w i c e his size, t h e n t u r n e d flat o u t b a c k to m e , e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t h i m saying ' L o o k at m e ! L o o k at m e ! ' I'd h a d o n e o t h e r d o g w h o c o u l d m a t c h h i m for in te l l igence , c u n ­n i n g a n d c h a r m . B u t n o n e w h o c o u l d m a t c h h i m for beau ty . I h a d n o t i n t e n d e d to fall for this d o g as I k n e w w h e n t h e j o u r n e y was over, I w o u l d have to leave h i m . B u t Za l i h a d n e v e r d o u b t e d tha t h e c o u l d flirt his w a y i n t o t h e M e m s a h i b ' s hea r t . W h e n t h e t i m e c a m e to leave h i m , I w o u l d miss h i m far m o r e t h a n h e w o u l d miss m e . A n d I l iked h i m all t h e m o r e for tha t . Za l i was a survivor . A gypsy d o g .

It was such a p re t ty place, w e d e c i d e d to rest t h e r e for a c o u p l e o f days. Yet it was precisely in res t ing tha t I real ized t h e e x t r e m i t y o f m y exhaus t i on , n o t j u s t o f b o d y b u t o f spiri t . I h a d t o k e e p g o i n g . I h a d to . B u t k e e p i n g g o i n g h a d n o m e a n i n g .

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O n t h e s e c o n d a f t e r n o o n I n o t i c e d tha t R a m R a h i m a n d S u m a l w e r e ea t ing lantana .

' D o n ' t le t t h e m eat it, C h u t r a , ' I said. ' I t is a n o x i o u s w e e d . I ' m sure it can ' t b e g o o d for t h e m . ' B u t C h u t r a , as always, k n e w be t te r .

T h a t n i g h t I was w o k e n b y several m e n s t and ing at t h e b o t t o m o f t h e co t . (Zali was s leep ing u n d e r t h e b lankets w i t h m e a n d c o n t i n u e d t o snore.) I c o u l d smel l t h e g r o g o n t h e m f rom w h e r e I lay a n d t h e y w e r e ve ry be l l igeren t . ' M a d a m , m a d a m , m a d a m , m a d a m ! ' s h o u t e d o n e un t i l I c o u l d i g n o r e t h e m n o longer . I sat u p . T h e r e w e r e a b o u t t w e n t y o f t h e m , all c a r r y i n g large h e a v y sticks. S u d d e n l y little C h u t r a was t h e r e , puffed u p l ike a frog a n d h o l d i n g his stick w i t h t h e axe o n top . I d e c i d e d t o say n o t h i n g — it w o u l d b e b e t t e r tha t w a y — b u t I p u l l e d t h e toy pis to l o u t o f m y p a c k in an o b v i o u s sor t o f way . I was n o t even r e m o t e l y f r igh tened , j u s t p r o f o u n d l y b o r e d . Di l ip c a m e o u t o f his t e n t l o o k i n g l ike a B - 5 2 . H e h e l d a large st ick b e h i n d his back . It was r a t h e r c o m i c : t h e d u m b pr incess s i t t ing u p in b e d u n d e r t h e m o o n l i g h t , t h e w a t c h d o g p u t t i n g his nose i n t o t h e co ld air t h e n pu l l i ng it b a c k i n t o t h e w a r m t h , t h e chaps s q u a r i n g off against e ach o the r . C o m i c a n d d e m e a n i n g a n d ineffably s tupid .

T h e first m a n said, ' I d o n ' t w a n t any Chr i s t i ans h e r e i n India . W e g o t r i d o f t h e Chr i s t i ans . T h e y s h o u l d n ' t live here . ' After tha t h e p r o c e e d e d t o p o o r s c o r n o n t h e R a b a r i . T h e y cu t his t rees , t h e y stole his grass, t h e y w e r e d i r ty a n d coward ly a n d p o o r . W e w e r e t o ge t o u t o f this p lace if w e k n e w w h a t was g o o d for us . Even tua l ly , his s t e a m released — a n d b e i n g f r igh tened o f D i l i p w h o , bless h i m , w o u l d have scared t h e D e v i l — h e left, t a k i n g his g u n d a h s w i t h h i m . I y a w n e d l o u d l y as h e w e n t , a pa the t i c r evenge .

T h e n e x t day w e m o v e d o n to P i n d w a r a , w h e r e t h e r a n g e forest officer, M r N a y a k Ali , offered us a co t t age t o stay in a n d t o d r ive us a r o u n d t h e forest u n d e r his j u r i s d i c t i o n . Nayak ' s j o b was n o t a h a p p y o n e . T h e r e w e r e f o u r t e e n grasslands u n d e r his care, t h e b igges t o f w h i c h was a b o u t t w o t h o u s a n d acres. K e e p i n g these available for pastoralists m e a n t tha t t h e forest was u n d e r a c u t e pressure . S o m e areas w e r e c losed for r e g e n e r a t i o n , w h i c h t o o k five t o t e n years , a n d t h o s e w e r e t h e areas m o s t t e m p t i n g to graziers : ' I l legal g raz ing is t h e m a i n reason for t h e lack o f success o f r e g e n e r a ­t i o n a n d r ep lan t ing . T h e p r o b l e m is obv ious . T h e catt le p o p u l a ­t i o n is m u c h t o o h i g h for t h e available grassland.'

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T h e r e g e n e r a t i n g areas w e r e f enced o r d i t c h e d in t w o -h u n d r e d - a n d - f i f t y - a c r e b locks . E a c h b l o c k h a d j u s t o n e c h a u k i ­daar. If cat t le w e r e f o u n d in t h e g raz ing area, t h e d e p a r t m e n t t o o k t h e catt le t o a c o m p o u n d a n d i m p o s e d fines o n t h e o w n e r . If t h e g u a r d was a d e p a r t m e n t e m p l o y e e a n d suspec ted o f t a k i n g b r ibes , t h e n a l o n g process b e g a n , t o fine h i m o r take h i m t o c o u r t . It was s e l d o m w o r t h it a n d t h e d e p a r t m e n t chaukidaars k n e w t h e y w e r e fairly safe. H o w e v e r , m o s t guards w e r e local m e n w h o w e r e pa id ve ry lit t le, so t h e y au tomat ica l ly t o o k b r ibe s as t h e r e was social pressure o n t h e m t o d o so f rom relatives o r fr iends.

T h e graziers h a d t o pay a small fee t o t h e g o v e r n m e n t t o use t h e s t and ing grass, t h e n a n o t h e r for t h e cu t grass. As this was an official d r o u g h t year, t h e grass w o u l d n o t b e c o n t r a c t e d t o o u t s i d ­ers b u t t o d e p a r t m e n t a l l aboure r s , m o s t o f w h o m w e r e R a b a r i a n d tr ibals, w h o w o u l d c u t t h e grass for a set fee, t h e n sell it at l o w cost t o t h e graziers . T h e r e was n o a n t a g o n i s m b e t w e e n Adivassis a n d R a b a r i s because each g r o u p h a d access t o separate areas o f t h e forest. Also t h e tr ibals h e r e w e r e fairly p rospe rous , w h e r e a s t h e Bhi ls i n t h e hills t h r o u g h w h i c h w e h a d j u s t c o m e w e r e e x t r e m e l y p o o r . T h e i r ' t r ade ' was t h i e v i n g because t h e y h a d n o o t h e r i n c o m e .

A l m o s t t h e w h o l e p o p u l a t i o n used w o o d f rom t h e forest for fire. B y r i g h t locals c o u l d have as m u c h d r y w o o d as t h e y c o u l d ca r ry o n t he i r heads . B u t t he r e was n o t e n o u g h for e v e r y o n e , so p e o p l e r i n g - b a r k e d trees o r c u t g r e e n w o o d a n d le t it d r y i n t h e forest. T h e n t h e y w o u l d c o m e b a c k a few w e e k s la ter a n d ca r ry it o u t as d r y w o o d .

All villages h a d access t o ce r t a in areas for pas tu re b u t these h a d b e e n o p e n t o g raz ing for a h u n d r e d years , so w e r e n o t on ly b a r r e n , t he r e was n o seed left i n t h e soil. T h e d e p a r t m e n t t o o k these areas for r ep l an t ing b u t , unde r s t andab ly , this caused resistance. W h e r e else c o u l d t h e p e o p l e take t he i r catt le i n t h e m e a n t i m e ?

B u t t h e w o r s t p r o b l e m facing N a y a k was c o r r u p t i o n : ' I f y o u ge t s o m e prof i teer c u t t i n g w o o d a n d p u t t i n g it o n a t r u c k to sell, a pol i t ica l l eade r wi l l w a n t t o settle it unofficially because t h e p rof i t ­ee r wi l l e i t he r give m o n e y t o h i m o r p r o m i s e v o t e b a n k s . All t h e p a n c h a i t a n d M L A m e m b e r s are involved . T h e y have the i r o w n f ie ldworkers w h o tell t h e m wha t ' s h a p p e n i n g , t h e n t hey c o m e t o

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m e o r m y m e n a n d say, " Y o u d o this o r tha t and , if y o u don ' t , this o r tha t wi l l h a p p e n to y o u . " If I t ry t o p r e v e n t illegal w o o d c u t t i n g t h e pol i t ical leaders wi l l have m e t ransfer red a n d b r i n g in t he i r o w n p u p p e t . O r t h e y wil l m a k e false compla in ts . ' H a d this h a p ­p e n e d to h i m in t h e past? Yes, h e h a d b e e n t ransferred f rom his p rev ious pos i t i on for j u s t these reasons. I asked if it w o u l d b e helpful for m e to i n t e r v i e w these m e n a n d to w r i t e a b o u t w h a t t h e y w e r e d o i n g , t ry t o expose t h e m . H e smi led w r y l y , c o n f e r r e d w i t h his officer, B a l w a n S ingh , a n d said, ' I t w o u l d b e difficult j u s t at t h e m o m e n t . ' N a y a k h a d l ea rn t t h e h a r d w a y tha t h e m u s t c o m p r o m i s e w i t h p o w e r if h e was to have any posi t ive effect at all. I also suspec ted tha t this c o m p r o m i s e h a d d e m o r a l i z e d h i m . H e w o r k e d e i g h t e e n - h o u r days b u t t h e f rus t ra t ion in h i m was s o u r i n g i n t o hopelessness : ' I n front these pol i t ic ians are ve ry n ice a n d clean, ve ry w h i t e - c l a d p e o p l e , b u t b e h i n d is s o m e t h i n g else. T h e y are t h e m a i n h u r d l e in o u r d e v e l o p m e n t in India . T h e c o r r u p t i o n o f poli t ics has w o r s e n e d in t h e last four t o five years , a l ong w i t h c o m m u n a l i s m . I a m a M u s l i m , so I k n o w . T h e r e is n o n e o f it a m o n g m y staff a n d ve ry little f rom t h e R a b a r i s o r t h e tr ibals, b u t f rom pol i t ic ians , s h o p k e e p e r s , t raders — yes , the re , c o m m u n a l i s m has t aken root . '

O n t h e way b a c k N a y a k t o o k us t o m e e t a R a b a r i b h o p a w h o h a d a d i rec t l ine t o an ancestral de i ty M a m a j i . T h i s was a special day w h e n p e o p l e c a m e t o h i m w i t h the i r p r o b l e m s to ask for in te rcess ion a n d advice . T h e b h o p a was a m o s t impre s s ive - l ook ing m a n - b ig , w e l l - m u s c l e d a n d sleek, w i t h w i l d g rey ha i r a n d a psychoana ly t i c stare. H i s eyes w e r e pale g r e e n . A handfu l o f p e o p l e c lus tered a r o u n d t h e t iny t e m p l e . M e n w e r e a l lowed i n t o t h e i n n e r s a n c t u m , an enc losu re w h e r e t h e b h o p a lit a fire i n a little g h e e l amp . W o m e n r e m a i n e d j u s t ou ts ide , l o o k i n g in , a n d if w e w a n t e d t o ask t h e b h o p a s o m e t h i n g , w e asked a m a n to i n t e r ­c e d e for us .

T h e b h o p a b e g a n to shake a n d puff, hype rven t i l a t i ng h imse l f i n t o a t rance . H e s n o r t e d l ike a bul l a n d t h e shak ing l o o k e d e p i ­lept ic . T h e o ld lady bes ide m e m u r m u r e d h e r r eve rence to t h e p r e s e n c e o f M a m i j i , w h o h a d e n t e r e d t h e b o d y o f t h e b h o p a . S u d d e n l y h e h i t a c u s h i o n o n to w h i c h h e j u m p e d f rom a cross- legged pos i t i on , j u s t as if h e ' d b e e n t h r o w n t h e r e by s o m e

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myst ic force. H e b a n g e d h imse l f o n t h e b a c k w i t h a flat steel bar. I n a m o n g t h e snor t s , w o r d s b e g a n to f o r m w h i c h p e o p l e answered quie t ly , l ike a l i tany.

A n o ld w o m a n asked, ' M y h u s b a n d was ill a n d b e h a v i n g s t r ange ­ly. H e s e e m e d t o ge t b e t t e r b u t last n i g h t h e was w o r s e . W i l l h e b e c o m e be t t e r ? '

' I c a n n o t answer y o u . Y o u m u s t b r i n g this m a n t o m e , t o m y house . '

A m a n c a m e fo rward w i t h a g o l d neck lace . T h e b h o p a p u t g ra in in t h e man ' s h a n d , g r u n t e d a few w o r d s in b e t w e e n snor ts . H e t h e n w h e e l e d t h e g o l d a r o u n d t h e g h e e fire a n d again t o o k a p i n c h o f g ra in . 'Yes,' c a m e t h e reply, ' t h e m o n e y y o u lost wi l l b e f o u n d . D o n ' t w o r r y . '

O u r o w n gu ide , B a l w a n S ingh , a p p r o a c h e d a n d t o u c h e d t h e priest 's legs. ' I w a n t t o leave m y pos t a n d seek an o th e r . W h a t s h o u l d I d o ? '

T h e b h o p a waf ted p e a c o c k feathers over h i m a n d de l ivered t h e message. 'Wai t for t h i r t e e n m o n t h s . T h e n , if y o u still w i s h t o go, y o u m a y d o so.'

N a y a k exp l a ined t o m e later. 'Ba lwan S i n g h w o r k s seven days a w e e k a n d his j o b is n o t pleasant . T h e r e are n o d i rec t benef i t s tha t h e can give to t h e p e o p l e t o c o n v i n c e t h e m tha t o u r ideas are r i g h t a n d wil l he lp t h e m in t h e e n d . I t h i n k a forest officer's j o b is t h e m o s t difficult.'

I w a n t e d to ask t h e bhopa ' s adv ice myself: B h o p a j i , tell m e h o w I can ge t r i d o f this anger . B u t I d id n o t . T h e b h o p a w e n t d e e p e r i n t o t rance , t h e n s u d d e n l y h e was off his c u s h i o n a n d ca lmly w i n d ­i n g o n his t u r b a n as if n o t h i n g h a d h a p p e n e d .

W h e n w e r e t u r n e d C h u t r a i n f o r m e d m e tha t R a m R a h i m was refusing to eat . I feared m y lit t le favour i te was p o i s o n e d b u t h a d n o idea w h a t I c o u l d give h i m o t h e r t h a n a purga t ive . W e h u r r i e d i n t o P i n d w a r a t o b u y d rugs for h i m at a pharmacis t ' s shop . B u t t h e s h o p wal lah c o u l d n o t h e a r w h a t I was saying to h i m because a b o u t t w o h u n d r e d schoo lboys h a d g a t h e r e d a r o u n d m y s t r ange ­ness, a n d C h u t r a was t h r e a t e n i n g t h e m w i t h his st ick a n d call ing t h e m ha l f -minds . T h i s o n l y m a d e t h e s c r eech ing m o r e hyster ical a n d Di l ip , his veins s t and ing o u t i n his neck , chased a n d g r a b b e d t w o o f t h e m a n d was t u g g i n g t h e m towards m e , ye l l ing , ' C o m e

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o n , t o u c h her . See if she's real o r a movie . ' T h e w o m a n n e x t t o m e w h i s p e r e d t h r o u g h t h e w i n d o w in h e r b u r q a tha t it was t e r r ib le a n d she was sor ry . I s h o u t e d again t o t h e s h o p o w n e r b u t his a t t e n t i o n was con t inua l ly t aken by t h e m o b , o r b y t h e m e n w h o h a d b e g u n t o ga the r a r o u n d , ha l f - jo in ing in t h e fun, half-scared o f the i r o w n da r ing . Even tua l ly I was g iven need les a n d s o m e w h i t e v iscous stuff b u t I c o u l d n o t b e a r t o wa i t for t h e rest and , pu l l i ng m y o r n i over m y face, n e g o t i a t e d m y w a y t h r o u g h t h e boys , w h o s e e m e d n o t h u m a n b u t t o cons t i t u t e a pack , h o w l i n g for m y b l o o d , t u g g i n g at m y c lo thes . Di l ip , real iz ing tha t p ro tes t was l ike pe t ro l t o t h e flames, w a i t e d till w e go t t o t h e j e e p before sp i t t ing o u t , 'You are m o n k e y s , apes. You s h o u l d all b e shot! '

Ins ide t h e car C h u t r a said, ' H e r e p u b l i c is ve ry i g n o ran t . Very ha l f -mind . R a j a s t h a n is a p o o r c o u n t r y . N o t educa ted . '

I said n o t h i n g . I was n o t l o o k i n g fo rward t o g iv ing t h e in jec t ions t o R a m

R a h i m . I t w o u l d involve t h r o w i n g t h e need le , t h w a c k , i n t o t h e animal 's n e c k a n d h e w o u l d n o t l ike it any m o r e t h a n I d id . W h e n w e r e t u r n e d , h e was s i t t ing bes ide his food , m u n c h i n g . T h e en t i r e i n c i d e n t at t h e pharmacis t ' s h a d b e e n unnecessa ry .

Pe rhaps , u n d e r different c i rcumstances , I w o u l d have g iven t h e in jec t ions anyway . T h a t w o u l d have b e e n t h e sensible t h i n g t o do . B u t g o o d sense requi res its m o d i c u m o f e n e r g y a n d w h e n y o u have r e a c h e d t h e dregs o f y o u r reserves, y o u t e n d to b e a b s t e m i ­ous . I c rep t i n t o m y r o o m , c losed shu t te r s a n d d oo r , lay d o w n o n t h e co t . T h e d o o r o p e n e d . A y o u n g m a n s imply s t o o d the re , s tar ­i ng as if I was a te levis ion set. I t o ld h i m r u d e l y to g o away a n d instant ly felt a shamed . I l o c k e d t h e d o o r . I sank i n t o t h e da rk r o o m w h e r e images o f defeat s w a r m e d inside m y h e a d l ike p o i s o n o u s bees .

I k e p t r e t u r n i n g t o t h e r i m o f t h e talab w h e r e I h a d s t o o d a c o u p l e o f days before . It was even ing . B e l o w m e , a t h r e a d o f p l a t i ­n u m w o u n d t h r o u g h grass as sho r t a n d l u r i d as p o k e r - t a b l e ba ize a n d r eached , i n t h e far d is tance, t o a w h i t e t e m p l e o n t h e o p p o s i t e r i m . I w a i t e d t h e r e in t h e twi l igh t a n d it was as if I w e r e l o o k i n g d o w n o n a m i n i a t u r e w o r l d . O n t h e far side, t h e toy t e m p l e , a n d i n t h e 'valley' toy o x e n p l o u g h i n g t h e g r e e n . D o t t e d h e r e a n d t h e r e w e r e t iny R a b a r i m e n w i t h t he i r sheep a n d goats . In t h e wa te r ,

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m i n u t e , exquis i te ly crafted bi rds . Y o u c o u l d p i c k u p t h e creatures b e l o w a n d inspec t t h e m o n t h e p a l m o f y o u r h a n d .

T h e s u n h a d set, l eav ing e v e r y t h i n g dus t ed in t h e soft pastel b lues a n d p inks o f I n d i a n n igh ts . To t h e left, a full y e l l o w m o o n rose b e h i n d t h e mass o f t h e Aravalli R a n g e s — b l u e col lage against a v io le t sky. T h e r e w e r e s t range birdcalls , m o o n l i g h t b u r n i s h e d t h e water . As t h e sky d e e p e n e d , l ights b e g a n to appea r i n t h e valley — t h e c o o k i n g fires o f t h e R a b a r i . S lowly a long t h e l e f t -hand r i m c a m e a s t r ing o f s i l houe t t ed bicycles . H o w imposs ib ly beaut i ful it was .

E x c e p t tha t it was n o t beaut i fu l at all. I t was a lie. T h o s e fires, as r o m a n t i c as fluttering candles f rom he re , w e r e in

fact mise rab le a n d m e a n , m a d e f rom a few bits o f c o w d u n g a n d w h a t e v e r t h o r n y sticks t h e m e n h a d scavenged f r o m a landscape ea t en d o w n past d i r t t o s tone . A n d those l u m i n o u s c lo thes o n t h e b icyc le r iders w e r e really bi ts o f grey rag h u n g o n half-s tarved m e n s t u n t e d b y w o r k . T h e t o y R a b a r i s w i t h t he i r t oy animals , a n d t he i r g l o w i n g r ed tu rbans , w e r e l o n e l y m e n l iv ing o n goa t m i l k a n d o n e rati a day, w h o s e s t o m a c h s r u m b l e d in t h e n igh t , w h o w o u l d n o t see t he i r families for m o n t h s , w h o w o u l d b e l u c k y to ge t t he i r animals a n d themse lves t h r o u g h t h e season. A n d t h e water , p r e c i o u s m e t a l f r o m h e r e , i n reali ty was p o i s o n o u s w i t h G u i n e a w o r m a n d disease, a malar ia l swamp . T h e m o u n t a i n r a n g e b e y o n d , d a r k v o l u p t u o u s shapes, t h e hol ies t p lace in Ind ia s o m e said, a n d I t h o u g h t o f t h e filth I h a d seen in its s t reams, o f t h e R a b a r i w o m e n w a l k i n g t e n mi les s t ra ight u p w i t h t he i r u r n s o n t he i r heads , t h e n t e n miles b a c k d o w n t o the i r vil lage, every day o f t he i r lives, t o supply m i l k t o t hose vu lga r a n d ug ly hote l s w h e r e p e o p l e l ike D i l i p a n d I m i g h t stay w h e n w e c o u l d n ' t s tand t h e d i s comfor t any m o r e .

T h e disgust I felt, t h e rage, was n o t at Ind ia b u t w i t h h u m a n i t y . If Ind ia was t e r r ib le , so was w h e r e I c a m e f rom. W o r s e , because it was so spoil t , so comfor t ab le , so ob l iv ious a n d tha t c o m f o r t p u r ­chased at t h e e x p e n s e o f c o u n t r i e s l ike this o n e . E a c h c o u n t r y l e e c h i n g a n o t h e r and , w i t h i n all t h e c o u n t r i e s , g r o u p s o f h u m a n s l e e c h i n g o t h e r g r o u p s o f h u m a n s d o w n t h e p y r a m i d , un t i l y o u g o t t o t h e ve ry b o t t o m , t h e l i t t le toy R a b a r i m e n . F u c k e d .

T h e a n g e r c h e w e d m e u p . I c o u l d n o t sleep at n i g h t w i t h it.

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T h e r e was n o w h e r e to d u m p it. E v e r y t h i n g I h a d d o n e h e r e was f raudulen t a n d absurd. I k n e w n o t h i n g a b o u t t h e R a b a r i s and , even if I d id , it w o u l d m e a n n o t h i n g t o t h e m , m a k e n o difference t o t h e m . I h a d u n d e r s t o o d n o t h i n g o f w h e r e I was . A n d I w o u l d p e r p e t u a t e t h e f r audu lence by p r o d u c i n g y e t a n o t h e r useless a r t e ­fact for w e s t e r n c o n s u m p t i o n , a n o t h e r b i t o f no i se for a cu l tu re d r o w n i n g in no i se - an ar t icle for a glossy m a g a z i n e w i t h beaut i ful p h o t o s o f beaut i fu l India , beaut i ful n o b l e R a b a r i , so tha t p e o p l e c o u l d sit i n c o m f o r t i n t he i r h o m e s o r d o c t o r s ' w a i t i n g - r o o m s a n d n o t see. I l o a t h e d m y initial r o m a n t i c i s m m o r e t h a n m y p resen t incapac i ty t o deal w i t h reali ty. A t least this h a d t r u t h in it. A t least, t h r o u g h t h e d i scomfor t s o f m y o w n b o d y , t h r o u g h t h e e x h a u s t i o n a n d illness a n d rage, I h a d an idea o f h o w p e o p l e really l ived.

T h e r e is a t h e o r y d r e a m e d u p b y s o m e theore t i ca l physicists tha t t h e un iverse spawns a m u l t i t u d e o f n e w universes at every q u a n t u m dec i s ion . S o m e t i m e s it s e e m e d as if I h a d m a d e s o m e w r o n g c h o i c e i n m y life a n d it h a d s h u n t e d m e i n t o o n e o f these n e i g h b o u r i n g universes , so tha t I was l iv ing i n a w o r l d w h e r e I was n o t m e a n t t o b e , w h i c h was eer i ly familiar b u t t e r r ib ly w r o n g . M a n y e l emen t s w e r e t h e same — camels , d o g , p h o t o g r a p h e r , j o u r ­ney . I was b e i n g c o n d e m n e d to repeat , b u t in a hel l ish d i s to r t ion .

N e x t day w e left P i n d w a r a . D i l ip a n d I s c o u t e d ah ead for p h o t o - s i g h t s a n d for a c a m p i n g spot . T h e r e was a d r y r i v e r - b e d amids t b o u l d e r s . A t a n o t h e r t ime , in a n o t h e r place, I w o u l d have f o u n d it lovely, w o u l d have en joyed s leep ing in t h e sand, a b s o r b ­i n g t h e w a r m t h a n d g o o d n e s s o f ea r th , w a k i n g at d a w n to bi rds a n d sky. B u t w o u l d w e b e p r o t e c t e d f rom thieves? A n d if I w e r e t o g o for a walk , w o u l d n ' t I, as always, b e set u p o n b y dogs o r fol­l o w e d by t h e c u r i o u s , o r w a t c h e d b y suspic ious , f r i g h t e n e d faces, o r s t o p p e d b y a cactus fence a n d g u a r d e d gates, o r a m b u s h e d b y gundahs? T h e o n l y d u t y left towards t h e m a g a z i n e was ge t t i ng s o m e p ic tures o f m e w i t h t h e c a m e l - h e r d i n g R a b a r i . W e f o u n d a village w h e r e t h e y lived, a week ' s w a l k i n g dis tance away. D i l i p c o u l d see n o p o i n t in c a m p i n g o u t m e a n w h i l e . W h y d idn ' t I dr ive b a c k w i t h h i m to J o d h p u r , have a few days ' rest, t h e n r i n g h i m i n D e l h i a n d b o t h r e t u r n for t h e final shoo t? T h e chaps c o u l d ca r ry o n w i t h o u t us t o t h e m e e t i n g place.

O n m y p rev ious j o u r n e y t h r o u g h Austral ia , I ab so rbed t h e

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r h y t h m o f t h e w o r l d o f wa lk ing , i n w h i c h t i m e a n d space are re la ted t o t h e h u m a n gait. T w e n t y mi les is ca lcu la ted b y t h e m o v e ­m e n t o f t h e sun , o r t h e m o o n o r t h e stars, o r b y h o w t i red y o u r legs have b e c o m e , o r b y a m o u n t a i n m a k i n g its w a y towards y o u at a m o u n t a i n ' s majest ic pace , b y i n c r e m e n t s o f steps. O n tha t j o u r n e y t h e r e w e r e n o vehicles t o r e m i n d m e tha t , i n t h e w o r l d I h a d left b e h i n d , t w e n t y mi les is equ iva len t t o t w e n t y m i n u t e s b y car a l o n g a t a r m a c road . A w o r l d in w h i c h t h e l andscape d i m i n i s h ­es, r ecedes , b e c o m e s i r re levant t o t h e same d e g r e e tha t t h e anc ien t h u m a n awareness o f t h e re la t ionsh ip b e t w e e n space a n d t i m e is b r o k e n .

T h i s j o u r n e y was r e d u c e d to k i t sch , pa r t ly b y t h e cons t an t m o v e ­m e n t b e t w e e n t h e t w o w o r l d s .

D i l i p said, ' R o b , y o u l o o k te r r ib le . You l o o k a h u n d r e d years old . F o r God ' s sake, c o m e t o J o d h p u r w i t h m e . W h a t difference w o u l d it m a k e ? ' I c o u l d t h i n k o f n o difference tha t it w o u l d m a k e . I c l i m b e d i n t o t h e a i r - c o n d i t i o n e d j e e p a n d w i t h i n four h o u r s w e w e r e in J o d h p u r . F o u r h o u r s , o r t w o w e e k s , d e p e n d i n g o n w h i c h w o r l d y o u i nhab i t ed .

T h e f a r m was p re t ty m u c h dese r t ed . I w e n t t o m y little r o o m , c losed t h e doo r . Da rknes s , si lence. I n t h e m o r n i n g I w o k e to f ind tha t I was dea f a n d t h e r e w e r e l u m p s in m y th roa t a n d a rmpi t s . A n d tha t t h e r e was a message for m e . R a m R a h i m was dead .

I w a i t e d for K o j u a n d t h e j e e p . T h e n e x t a f t e r n o o n , a n o t h e r message. S u m a l was dead . T h e i r dea ths h a d b e e n as a g o n i z i n g as dea ths c o u l d possibly be , t h e l an tana p o i s o n spread ing s lowly t h r o u g h organs , c u l m i n a t i n g in t h e b ra in , caus ing fits o f madness .

W h e n w e ar r ived , D i l i p w a n t e d to p h o t o g r a p h m e bes ide Sumal 's b o d y — a key p i c tu re , h e said. I refused. C h u t r a h a d to pose ins tead. A n d c r u m p l e d i n t o sobs. H e h a d c o a x e d t h e m , d o c t o r e d t h e m , w a t c h e d t h e m g o i n g m a d , w a t c h e d t h e m die . R a m R a h i m h a d d i ed in a village c o m p o u n d . B u t t h e res idents h a d refused to h e l p h i m ge t r i d o f t h e carcass. It t o o k a n o t h e r day to f ind s o m e u n t o u c h a b l e s w h o w o u l d d rag it away.

T h e fo l lowing m o r n i n g h e a n d I w a l k e d t o g e t h e r w i t h M o m a l un t i l t h e s i lence, w h i c h I h a d so of ten l o n g e d for, g r e w unbea rab le . I p u t m y a r m a r o u n d his s h o u l d e r a n d t o ld h i m it wasn ' t his fault.

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T w o o n e - e y e d m e n , o n e deaf, t h e o t h e r w e e p i n g , l e ad ing a c a m e l t h r o u g h n o t h i n g i n t o n o w h e r e .

B y t h e t i m e w e r e a c h e d P h a l o d i , Za l i was listless a n d refusing t o eat. C h u t r a a n d K o j u b o t h said it was n o t h i n g to w o r r y a b o u t . Neve r the l e s s , a b o u t this, I w o u l d finally assert myself. I w o u l d take h i m to J o d h p u r t o a vet , now, this m i n u t e . D i l ip c o u l d stay a n d p h o t o g r a p h t h e H o l i festival w i t h o u t m e .

K o j u a n d I a r r ived in J o d h p u r at four i n t h e m o r n i n g . W e w o k e u p a local ve t w h o in jec ted Zal i half a d o z e n t imes . ' B u t wi l l h e survive? ' I said. ' O h , yes. H e ' l l survive, ' said t h e vet . ' N o ques t ion . ' T h e n e x t m o r n i n g t h e d o g c o u l d bare ly wa lk . I t o o k h i m t o a v e t e r i n a r y hospi ta l , w h e r e h e o n c e again rece ived in jec t ions . M o r n a t c a m e w i t h m e . W h e n w e go t h o m e to t h e f a rm, h e said, ' I wi l l give h i m s o m e w h i s k y . It is w h a t w e d o w i t h o u r dogs. ' I k n e w it was t h e w r o n g t h i n g t o d o a n d y e t I let it h a p p e n . M y wi l l h a d r u n o u t . I w a t c h e d as t h e y h e l d Zal i o n t h e g r o u n d , forced his m o u t h o p e n a n d sen t a sho t o f w h i s k y i n t o his s t o m a c h . I c a r r i ed t h e d o g i n t o m y r o o m . H e was u n c o n s c i o u s . T w o h o u r s la ter h e b e g a n convu l s ing . I ye l led for M o r n a t a n d Ko ju . I ran to t h e j e e p c a r r y i n g t h e d o g . B u t ins tead o f d r i v i n g o u t t h e gates, K o j u t o o k t h e t rack to t h e b a c k p a d d o c k o f t h e f a r m n e a r M o r n a t ' s c a m p . ' W h a t are y o u d o i n g ? ' I s c r eamed at t h e m . ' W e have t o ge t h i m t o t h e hospital . '

T h e y d u g t h e h o l e a n d ins ide it p l aced Zali 's collar, lead, f o o d b o w l a n d b lanke t . K o j u m a d e m e l o w e r t h e d o g . M o r n a t filled t h e ho l e . K o j u lit s o m e incense . M o r n a t t r i e d t o c o m f o r t m e b y saying tha t this was B h a g w a n ' s wi l l b u t I was hard ly aware o f h i m .

M y hyster ia h a d little t o d o w i t h t h e dog's dea th . It was tha t t h e w r e t c h e d n e s s , disgust a n d p ro tes t I h a d con t ro l l ed for so l o n g h a d f o u n d a ven t .

T h e j o u r n e y was over.

Coda

T h r e e years have passed s ince t h e n . I ' l ive ' i n E n g l a n d b u t w h e n ­ever I ' m the re for t o o l o n g I f ind mysel f l o n g i n g for tha t o t h e r place, t hose o t h e r p e o p l e , a n d I r e t u r n t o India . I have m e l l o w e d towards it in p r o p o r t i o n to t h e n e w u n d e r s t a n d i n g s I have g a i n e d and , pe rhaps , as m y life t h e r e has b e c o m e m o r e comfor t ab le . I r e m e m b e r t h e a n g e r a n d distress b u t as if t h e y b e l o n g e d t o s o m e ­o n e else. A n d w i t h t h e r e t u r n o f hea l th I d i scovered tha t t h e m e n o p a u s e h a d b e e n a false a la rm, so I still have tha t t o l o o k fo rward to.

K o j u has r i sen in t h e ranks a n d spends all his m o n e y o n c lo thes . H i s g r i n c o n t i n u e s to de l igh t m y days. C h u t r a is w o r k i n g for ' S a h i b ' a n d has i n d e e d bu i l t his m o t h e r a n e w h o u s e . Na tu ra l ly , h e i n h e r i t e d M o m a l w h o te r ro r izes t h e w h o l e vil lage. W e rarely see e a c h o t h e r w h i c h m e a n s tha t w e can afford t o l ike each o the r . M o r n a t ' s p e o p l e have b e g u n w o r k i n g o n t h e f a rm . T h e y are secure a n d m a k i n g m o n e y . K h a n j i , t h e gen ius , is h o p i n g t o b e c o m e a pol i t ic ian . I have m a d e m a n y n e w fr iends a n d t h r o u g h t h e m I have d iscovered a hos t o f n e w Indias , Indias I h a d n o t k n o w n exis ted. W i t h each r e t u r n I discover a n e w o n e w h i c h con ta ins m e m o r i e s o f t h e p rev ious o n e s , fixed, l ike p rops , f r o m t h e thea t r e o f t h e past.

F o r a l o n g t i m e I c o u l d n o t see h o w t o w r i t e a b o u t m y e x p e r i ­ences . T h e y w e r e n o t h i n g b u t a series o f d i s c o n n e c t e d events , w i t h o u t shape, w i t h o u t m e a n i n g . I h a d passed t h r o u g h Ind ia as a knife does t h r o u g h ice a n d it h a d c losed b e h i n d m e at every step. H o w does o n e w r i t e a b o u t failure?

A n d m y i n n e r censo r was w o r k i n g o v e r t i m e . T h e day after t h e d o g d ied , I h a d r e t u r n e d t o D e l h i a n d N a r e n d r a . I was m o r e t h a n a

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l i t t le u n b a l a n c e d a n d k n e w tha t above all I n e e d e d t o talk, n e e d e d t o f ind a s o u n d i n g - b o a r d o f l i k e - m i n d e d p e o p l e . F r o m t h e m I w o u l d b e able t o f ind a f rame o f u n d e r s t a n d i n g for w h a t I was feeling. B e c a u s e they would understand.

I i nv i t ed an a c q u a i n t a n c e to d i n n e r a n d h e b r o u g h t a f r iend. N i c e m e n — d e c e n t , l iberal m e n . I h a d n o t h a d any a l coho l i n m o n t h s a n d d r a n k t h e I n d i a n c h a m p a g n e l ike wate r . T h a t was a mis take . I was b u r s t i n g t o speak b u t t h e pol i teness o f t h e e v e n i n g left n o ch inks . N a r e n d r a , as always, pe rce ived m y state o f m i n d a n d every t e n m i n u t e s o r so e n d e a v o u r e d t o b r i n g m e i n t o t h e conve r sa ­t i on . B u t t h e guests s e e m e d to exist o n a different w a v e l e n g t h . T h e y w e r e l a u g h i n g , j o k i n g , as if t h e w o r l d ou t s ide t h e gates w e r e n o t hel l . T h e y v i e w e d tha t w o r l d , t hey h a d in te l lec tua l a n d p o l i t i ­cal o p i n i o n s a b o u t it, b u t t h e y d id n o t live in it. I d o n o t r e m e m ­b e r w h a t I said, o r h o w I said it, b u t it s o o n b e c a m e appa ren t t o t h e m tha t t hey h a d a m a d w o m a n o n the i r hands a n d t h e y w e r e b e w i l d e r e d . I n m y i n c o h e r e n c e I c h o s e t h e e x a m p l e o f t h e w o m a n o f Pipala w h o h a d a lmos t d i e d in ch i l db i r t h w i t h w h i c h t o express m y anger .

T h e s e c o n d gues t t o o k i m m e d i a t e offence. H e spat o u t , ' O u r I n d i a n w o m e n have b e e n h a v i n g the i r ch i ld ren in villages forever. W e d o n ' t n e e d y o u r C h r i s t i a n compass ion . ' To w h i c h I m i g h t have rep l ied tha t I d id n o t t h i n k t h e capaci ty t o i m a g i n e ano the r ' s state was l im i t ed t o Chr i s t i an i ty , b u t was r a t h e r a universa l h u m a n p h e n o m e n o n . I n any case, it wasn ' t c o m p a s s i o n I felt b u t w h i t e h o t rage. B u t I d id n o t say so. I shu t u p because I u n d e r s t o o d , w i t h s u d d e n a n d appal l ing clari ty, t ha t w h a t h e saw w h e n h e l o o k e d at m e was m y w h i t e n e s s . I was n o r t h , h e was s o u t h . I was w h i t e , h e was b lack. I was t h e co lonizer , h e t h e co lon i zed . A n d w h a t I saw, w h e n I l o o k e d at h i m , was an e x a m p l e par excellence o f t h e effete D e l h i in te l lec tua l w h o h a d n e v e r w a l k e d m o r e t h a n fifty yards in his life, w h o h a d servants t o ca ter t o his every n e e d , a n d w h o s e wife d id n o t b e a r h e r ch i ld ren o n t h e floors o f h u t s w i t h o u t m i d w i f e o r d o c t o r . T h i s m a n was as a l ien t o Pipala as I was . B u t at least I h a d b e e n t he r e .

W h e n t h e s e c o n d gues t left, h e said, w i t h all t h e haugh t iness o f w o u n d e d p r i d e , 'Please accep t m y apo log ies o n b e h a l f o f m y coun t ry . '

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Failure. T h e e thical impera t ive o f s id ing w i t h t h e power less was all ve ry

wel l b u t w h o were t h e powerless? T h e d o u b t s a n d self-ques t ion ings c o n c e r n i n g m y o w n pre jud ices , m y o w n beliefs, m e a n t tha t i n t h e e n d I felt I h a d n o r i g h t t o say any th ing . I h a d b e e n d e c o n s t r u c t e d . B u t d e a d o r n o t t h e ' subjec t ' h a d to w r i t e -a n d as t ru thful ly as t h e d i s to r t ions o f m e m o r y w o u l d allow.

A b o u t t w o years afterwards, N a r e n d r a a n d I w e n t b a c k to K u t c h t o visit m y R a b a r i f r iends. I h a d p r o m i s e d t h e m a ho l iday a n d h a d p l a n n e d to take t h e m to M o u n t A b u for a feast. K o j u w o u l d b e t h e r e a n d M o r n a t , a n d C h u t r a t o o , a n d as m a n y o f t h e n e w fr iends I h a d m a d e as c o u l d c o m e .

First w e w e n t t o R a n g k a bhai 's village. H e a n d Jasu w e r e t e n d ­i n g t h e flocks a few mi les ou t s ide it. Jasu h a d h a d a s o n a n d R a n g k a was n o w a m a n o f i m p o r t a n c e . In m y m e m o r y o f o u r first m e e t i n g , t h e y w e r e s t rong , power fu l , g o o d - l o o k i n g p e o p l e . N o w I saw, w i t h a shock , h o w t h i n t h e y were , h o w litt le t h e y h a d — a n d t h e deso la t ion s u r r o u n d i n g t h e m . I h a d ed i t ed t h e hardsh ip o u t o f m e m o r y .

R a n g k a c a m e w i t h us i n t h e j e e p to l o o k for Phagu ' s dang . B u t first w e s t o p p e d at Parma ' s h o u s e . T h e I ron Virgin ' s hands s h o o k as she p u l l e d m e t o t h e f loor bes ide h e r a n d t h e r e w e r e tears i n t hose u n s e n t i m e n t a l eyes.

' R a t t i b e n , y o u c a m e all t h e w a y f rom D e l h i j u s t t o visit us? Y o u c a m e f rom across t h e sea j u s t t o visit us? W e t h o u g h t y o u w o u l d leave us a n d neve r t h i n k o f us again. '

' H o w c o u l d I forget y o u ? C o m e w i t h m e i n t h e taxi t o t h e dang. '

' I c a n n o t c o m e , R a t t i b e n , b u t after y o u ' v e seen P h a g u , c o m e b a c k h e r e a n d live w i t h me . '

I m e n t i o n e d t h e p r o p o s e d t r ip t o M o u n t A b u w h i c h de l igh t ed her , b u t t h e n she l o o k e d hes i tan t . T h a t w o u l d b e a c o m m u n i t y dec is ion .

I t t o o k a c o u p l e o f days to find t h e d a n g — a b o u t fifteen camps spread o u t over g i b b e r s tones . Phagu ' s first w o r d s t o m e were , 'You ' re o n l y a yea r a n d a hal f late! ' A n d t h e r e w e were , as t o n g u e -t ied, shy a n d g r i n n i n g as t eenagers . I h a d b r o u g h t presents a n d piles o f p h o t o g r a p h s . A t first t hey w e r e b e m u s e d b y t h e

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p h o t o g r a p h s , t u r n i n g t h e m ups ide d o w n o r s ideways. B u t w h e n I p o i n t e d o u t w h o was w h o , t he r e was grea t e x c i t e m e n t . I was t aken f rom c a m p t o c a m p a n d at every o n e I was g r e e t e d b y h u g s a n d t h e inevi table tea. I m u s t have d r u n k for ty b o w l s o f t h e stuff t ha t m o r n i n g . G e l o said tha t if t hey 'd k n o w n I was c o m i n g , t h e y w o u l d have p r o v i d e d C o c a - C o l a to w h i c h t h e y h a d b e c o m e add ic t ed . H e l a u g h e d . ' W h e n y o u travel led w i t h us , w e w e r e u n s o p h i s t i ­ca ted p e o p l e . N o w w e d r i n k C o c a - C o l a j u s t as t h e p h o r e n do. ' W e spen t t h e rest o f t h e day r e m i n i s c i n g a b o u t m y days o n t h e dang . E v e r y o n e r e p e a t e d t h e j o k e over a n d over o f h o w , each t i m e P h a g u h a d asked m e if I w e r e t i red, I w o u l d reply, ' T h b r i si, t h o r i si' (Just a l i t t le , jus t a l i t t le). A n d t h e y h e l d t he i r s tomachs , l a u g h i n g , o r gave m e o n e o f t h o s e affectionate wal lops .

T h a t n i g h t I slept o n N a k k i ' s co t . I h a d fo rg o t t en w h a t i t was l ike t o sleep, o r r a the r n o t sleep, o n a co t . W i t h m e w e r e t h r e e w o m e n a n d a chi ld . I h a d a Z - s h a p e d depress ion in w h i c h t o w e d g e m y b o d y . It was imposs ib le t o m o v e . M y feet s tuck o u t t h e e n d . T h e w o m e n s n o r e d a n d t h r e w the i r a r m s a n d legs across m e . Goa t s j u m p e d o n m e . I f o u n d myse l f p u n c h i n g t h e m , j u s t as I h a d always d o n e ; t h e pa t ro l l ing shephe rds g igg led at m e , j u s t as t h e y h a d always d o n e .

T h e n e x t m o r n i n g P h a g u exp l a ined tha t t h e y w o u l d n o t b e able t o c o m e t o M o u n t A b u for t h e ho l iday because , 'All m y sons , a n d so m a n y o t h e r y o u n g m e n , have h a d t o find o t h e r w o r k . T h e r e is n o fu ture for t h e m he re . So t h e r e are o n l y us o ld m e n left t o g u a r d t h e flocks. I w o u l d l ike t o c o m e w i t h y o u , R a t t i b e n , b u t as y o u see I c a n n o t leave t h e dang. ' H o w e v e r , h e ex t r ac t ed a p r o m ­ise tha t I w o u l d visit t h e m every year.

I t was t i m e to leave. T h e o ld m e n c a m e a n d sat a r o u n d m e i n a circle. I t was t h e n I k n e w tha t I really h a d b e e n b r o u g h t i n t o t h e fold because each o f t h o s e s t ingy o ld bastards t o o k a five r u p e e n o t e f rom his t u r b a n a n d p l aced it i n m y lap. P h a g u p r e s e n t e d m e w i t h a p u p p y .

T w o days later w h e n I h a d said m y farewells t o m y fr iends in t h e h o m e village, t o Jaivi a n d P a r m a a n d L a k h m a a n d t h e o the r s , R a n g k a t o o k m e aside, clasped m y h a n d s b e t w e e n his a n d said, 'To , par ivaar ha in? ' (Are w e family then?) To w h i c h I repl ied , ' H a m par ivaar t o hain. '

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I wi l l fulfil m y p r o m i s e t o visit m y ' family ' e ach year , for as l o n g as I a m able, a n d I k n o w that , o n o n e o f t hose visits, I wi l l f ind tha t P h a g u has d e c i d e d tha t h e has h a d n o c h o i c e b u t t o sell his flocks. A n d the re wi l l b e C o c a - C o l a , a n d te levis ion, a n d n o m o r e w a n d e r i n g .

R e c e n t l y I was in D e l h i again. N a r e n d r a h a d inv i t ed t w o o f o u r fr iends to a d inne r . In t h e m i d d l e o f it h e said, ' M y dear, I d id n o t w a n t t o tell y o u this be fore because I k n e w y o u w o u l d w o r r y . B u t I also k n e w y o u w o u l d f ind o u t f rom s o m e w h e r e . I a m tel l ing y o u now, w h i l e M o h a n a n d S u m a n are he re , so t h e y wi l l he lp m e t o exp la in why y o u n e e d n o t w o r r y . Jus t be fore y o u ar r ived , t he r e was a b i t o f a p r o b l e m at J o d h p u r f a rm. (I a l ready k n e w tha t N a r e n d r a h a d b e e n n a m i n g n a m e s in p a r l i a m e n t a n d m y anx ie ty for his safety h a d r e a c h e d absurd p ropo r t i ons . ) H e c o n t i n u e d , 'Seven h u n d r e d a r m e d po l i ce e n d e d u p s u r r o u n d i n g m y f a r m as pa r t o f a pol i t ica l m o v e to s i lence me . ' M y s t o m a c h fell t o t h e floor. M o h a n j i l aughed . ' R o b y n j i , if it h a d b e e n seven a r m e d po l i ce , then y o u w o u l d n e e d t o w o r r y ! T h a t it was seven h u n d r e d is a k i n d o f c o m p l i m e n t t o h im. ' M o h a n j i h imse l f h a d spen t a c o u p l e o f years i n gaol d u r i n g t h e E m e r g e n c y . If I asked h i m a b o u t tha t t i m e , h e dismissed it as u n i m p o r t a n t . It h a d b e e n t h e e x p e c t e d o u t c o m e o f t a k i n g a ce r t a in pos i t i on . T h e s e p e o p l e a c ­c e p t e d tha t it was s o m e t i m e s necessary t o r isk e v e r y t h i n g y o u had , i n c l u d i n g y o u r life, for w h a t y o u be l ieved in . You d idn ' t talk a b o u t it, it was s imply a fact o f ex is tence .

A n d n o w all t h r ee o f t h e m , w i t h a k indness a n d generos i ty tha t I have n o t f o u n d in any o t h e r place, w e r e exp l a in ing th ings t o m e , t o l e ra t ing m y i g n o r a n c e , c a r i ng for m e in spite o f it, a l l owing m e ins ide t h e frame.

U n t i l t ha t n i g h t I h a d t h o u g h t tha t it was m y love for N a r e n d r a tha t c o n n e c t e d m e t o Ind ia . H e , a n d t h e w o r l d h e crea ted , was Ind ia t o m e . B u t after tha t d i n n e r I u n d e r s t o o d t ha t even if N a r e n ­dra w e r e to d isappear f rom m y life I w o u l d k e e p g o i n g back , tha t I w o u l d always g o back , tha t pa r t o f m e , at least, w o u l d w a n t t o b e l o n g the re .

B e c a u s e w h e r e I c a m e f rom life wasn ' t ha rd e n o u g h , o r d a n g e r ­ous e n o u g h , t o d e m a n d greatness o f indiv iduals . T h e r e , greatness was still possible .

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Besides , if t h e b e a u t y I saw tha t e v e n i n g o n t h e r i m o f t h e talab — t h e b l u e Aravalli m o u n t a i n s , m o o n l i g h t o n water , t h e s i l houe t t ed bicycles , t h e fires o f t h e toy R a b a r i m e n — c o u l d b e b r o k e n d o w n i n t o ug ly e l emen t s , t h e n t h e reverse was also t r u e .

(continued from front flap)

She could re turn to comfort and security; for the nomads , it was real life.

In this brave and moving journey, R o b y n Davidson travels the last pathways of the Rabar i , the 'keepers of the way' , and in so doing explores, wi th ruthless honesty, her o w n desert places. She scours away her original vision and finds benea th b o t h tragedy and h u m a n greatness.

R o b y n Davidson was b o r n in Queensland and n o w lives in London . Tracks, an account of her 1,700-mile j o u r n e y across Australia w i th camels, w o n the 1980 Thomas C o o k Travel B o o k Award. She is also the author of the novel Ancestors, wh ich was short-listed for the Premier's Award, and of a collection of essays, Travelling Light.

Jacket photographs © Dilip Mehta/Contact /Colorif ic Author photograph by Jillian Edelstein

P E N G U I N B O O K S L T D VliVlINvj Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England

'This is no ordinary travel book . A remarkable w o m a n , unafraid of

discomfort, hardship, even danger, travelled wi th nomads in Rajasthan for

months , sharing their lives. This is no t only an odyssey of extreme

physical and emotional experience, bu t a portrai t of a p roud and

independen t people d o o m e d by progress, over-populat ion and a callous

government . I wholehear tedly r e c o m m e n d this most original b o o k '

— Doris Lessing

ISBN 0 - 6 7 0 - 8 4 0 7 7 - 7