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Can you taste the rainbow?If so, please see a doctor.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular. Adlai E. Stevenson Jr
AILYsupplies. Red means the restaurant is closed, a sign of severe damage in the area or unsafe conditions.”
“If you get there and the Waffle House is closed? …That’s really bad. That’s where you go to work.”
Americans all over the nation were in a state of shock when they found out it were their pancake breakfasts, not their tax dollars, that determined the scope of an emergency.
When we reached the nearest Waffle House for comment they told us the following, “We don’t close for anything; tornados, hurricanes, or floods. We wouldn’t want to disrespect our loyal customers and besides that, there aren’t
many restaurants with seats strong enough to support their giant waistlines.” With 2011 being the worst disas-ter year for our country in a long time, people are beginning to realize that they will soon need to eat a lot more pancakes to keep our nation’s Waffle Houses open during what will be an-other wild winter. If they don’t, then who will know how bad the next disaster could be!
DFor years, Americans have trusted the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to respond to disasters within the country and to relay aid to many citizens throughout our great nation for many years. However, the agency also has the responsibility to rate the disaster to determine the amount of aid a given area receives. One would think that they do this with a very sophisticated scale, but as Craig Fugate, the director of FEMA stated recently, they also use something that is a bit more elementary; the Waffle House scale.
“Green means the restaurant is serving a full menu, a signal that damage in an area is limited and the lights are on. Yellow means a limited menu, indicating power from a generator, at best, and low food
The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like breaking the unbreakable!
B U LFEMA uses Tasty Method to Scale Disasters
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By Alex Dinsmoor ~ Daily Bull
Stupid People Offended
That Their Title is Used as a Derogatory
By Lunartic ~ Daily Buill
Throughout history, various prejudices have been fur-thered by normalizing them and oppression has been fur-thered by trivializing it. Even a well-meaning guy deals a blow to gender equality when he tells his softball teammate that he “throws like a girl.” In their most pervasive forms, words that are impor tant to one demographic are taken and reassigned, such as “redneck” once meaning a hard-working outdoor laborer and now being a crude stereotype of people in the south. Only a decade ago, the epidemic of “that’s Jewish” to mean stupid or unpleasant was replaced with calling something gay to mean the same thing.
“It’s not homophobic at all,” said Chad Brosephson. “We
...see That’s Retarded. on back
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Little Known Fact: Congress is also a waffle house.
... That’s Retarded. from frontdon’t actually mean, y’know, gay when we say something’s gay, you know? The phrase only coincidentally has the same sound and spelling as a vulnerable minority.”
The latest epitaph may not be against a minority, but a majority of the American people. And the people being made the butt end of this cruel joke are not
Malicious Melons Mangle Many Men by Jon ‘Big-O’ Mahan ~ Daily Bull California Correspondent
LONG BEACH, CA- A series of strange murders has occurred in the Long Beach area over the past week, and news is just hitting the headlines. The men, all of various medi-cal, ethnic, religious, educational, and monetary backgrounds all shared one thing in common. They last visited a strip club in the area, and left with a large-chested woman.
Investigators have questioned the strip clubs in question, though no leads have come through. All they know is a woman, or women, who call themselves the ‘Tainted Melons’ were seen entering the premises and leaving with the victims. It’s extremely disconcerting given how quickly the woman or women seem to enter and leave, with such expedience.
“Clearly we are dealing with professionals here. They’re in and out at the drop of a hat, and then, next thing we know, there’s a dead man at the local motel. Or perhaps as much as 3 dead men in a single night. The death count now reaches 16 and we have no idea how to stop her, or them.”
Investigators are unsure if it’s one woman or multiple women, as each one seems to be slightly different than the other. What’s even weirder, there seems to be a different cause of death between some of the victims. Some are killed by suffocation, others exhaustion, and some are even killed by really bad food poisoning. They’re beginning to suspect that there are at least 3 separate women involved in the case right now, but
going to take it anymore.
“It is nothing short of a slap in the face to all stupid Americans,” said Dwayne Camacho, spokesperson for the Intellec-tually Deficient Institute of Development (IDIOT). “That you would use a word such that it puts an entire group of peo-ple in a bad light; that’s just retarded.”
“Stupid isn’t an adjective!” said a fellow protester. When asked if it was a verb in-stead, the protester responded “I don’t know, I was never good at algebra.”
IDIOT has lashed out against anyone and everyone that uses the term as derogatory, including gay rights activists in a recent public announcement cam-paign that tried to dissuade youth from homophobic phrases.
“Gay people have no idea the discrimi-nation we face,” said Camacho. “People go around calling everything they don’t like ‘stupid’ all the time, and it’s a constant reminder that there are people out there that are prejudiced against you, it’s a slap
in the face every time you overhear it, and hearing it used that way relentlessly just drives the nail in deeper and deeper ever day. You guys have no idea what that’s like.”
Neil Patrick Harris, on behalf of the gay community, responded with a letter of apology. “I’m terribly sorry that we ever called you stupid. Clearly you’re beyond that.”
Not satisfied, Camacho initiated a cam-paign for ‘revenge epitaphs’, rallying those of his community to use ‘gay’ in place of any word that actually means something bad. “From this point on, you can safely assume,” stated Camacho, “that anyone who calls something gay to mean anything bad or negative, that they are a member of the Stupid IDIOTs.”
“People don’t give us proper credit for our accomplishments,” lamented Camacho. “We’re most of your congress and your local administrators. We’ve cre-ated culture such as Jersey Shore, Justin Bieber, and the Twilight series. Isn’t that
enough to win your respect?”
The struggle for the rights of stupid people still has a long way to go. Stupid people are ten times more likely to fail out of technical degree programs such as engineering, among other indicators of discrimination. “I’ve lost dozens of my dearest friends and fellow Stupid IDIOTs to deaths that could have been pre-vented if companies really cared about us and gave us the proper protections in the form of warning labels. How was my friend Tina supposed to know that she shouldn’t have checked her fuel tank with a lit match for light? How was my dear friend Joseph supposed to know that he wasn’t supposed to use his hair dryer while sleeping in the shower? How was Jane to know that shin pads couldn’t properly protect her when she decided to go down Agate Street in a shopping cart?” This same person told us how she was first ridiculed and then turned away when she went to the drugstore for non-drowsy sleep aids and oral contraceptives so that she wouldn’t risk pregnancy when performing fellatio.
Stupid? Hey! I remember that statement!
Writers of Awesome: Olivia Zajac, Simon Mused, Cameron Long, Nathan Invincible, Alex Dinsmoor, Sam Schall, Kayla Herrera, Jeanine Chmielewski, Ian Smith, Veronica Tabor, Kay McMahon, Ryan Grainger, John Pastore, Mike Freisen, Bill Melcher, and the Malicious Melons.
©2011 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved. Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or guest articles without reason. All opinionated letters sent to the editor (on paper or to [email protected]) will be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any submissions in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the creator. If you keep reading this small text, you’ll die of information overload.
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they’re not eliminating the possibility of more.
“We’ve never seen a mass murdering spree like this. Who targets men and kills them using nothing more than boobs?” said a head inves-tigator for the case. “Truly these are the darkest of times, when a man down on his luck cannot even turn to the ultimate source of safety- boobs- for comfort and stability in his life.” The investigator had to stop talking for a moment, as tears built up in his eyes. In the meantime, authorities are asking all men, and possibly women, to be on the lookout for strippers posing for a good time, and going by any name related to melons or other slang for breasts. “It’s just not safe. Watch yourselves out there. Don’t make a giant boob out of yourself As far as we can tell we’re dealing with a Class-FF criminal here.”
“EYES UP HERE,” she cried as she ran away. Authorities note that she is currently the prime suspect.
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