Da Chicago Guide Draft 1

7/29/2019 Da Chicago Guide Draft 1

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/da-chicago-guide-draft-1 1/15

GoGo's Guide to Chicago

Ah, Chicagohl. The City of Broad Shoulders, The Second

City. The Windy City. The Paris of the Prairie, The Jewel of the

Midwest. Chicago is America's working city – a softspoken, sleepy

giant sitting between New York City and Los Angeles. Lacking the

pretensions of its more gregarious neighbors, Chicago endures

brutal, humid summers and frigid, snowy winters and remains a city

of immigrants as well as sahsidge.

Where its coastal siblings are respective capitals of finance

and the film industry, Chicago thrives on tangible work. It is a

historical global capital of commodities trading, not high finance or

stock trading. Manufacturing, printing, publishing, food processing

and distribution still thrive here, as it has for over 100 years.

Don't be fooled, though. Chicago is a smart town. It is the

hub of Illinois' Silicon Prairie, and Argonne National Laboratories.

The University of Chicago, Depaul University ,Northwestern

University and the University of Illinois at Chicago all have their

main campuses within the city limits.

You wouldn't think it, but the Midwestern inhabitants of

the Chicagoland area generate a GDP greater than that of London or

Paris. In terms of being a global city, Chicago ranks as Alpha+,

alongside Hong Kong, Tokyo, Paris and Shanghai.

You'll hear the name “Chicagoland” a lot. That is the name of

the mega-region around the actual city limits- a 30 mile wide ring of

suburbs ringing around the city, as well as parts of Northwestern

Indiana. This makes 9.8 million people associated with Chicago.

What's also good about Chicago is that when the city was being

planned, the architects, planners and city officials decided they didn’t

want shitty dockyards along the lake shore. Instead, the coast of

Chicago is a thick 10 mile strip of public beaches, piers, marinas,

museums, bike trails, gardens, zoos, outdoor concert venues and

other public parkland. Hopefully this work-in-progress guide will give you a baseline understanding of Ditkatown.

Old Navy Preacher



A Brief History of Chicago

“Chicago” is a French pronunciation of of the Miami-

Illinois word shikaakwa meaning “stinky onion”. I'm not

joking. People used to think it was named after Chief

Chicagou of the Michigamea tribe, but historians decided that

made too much sense and the name was was not

embarrassing enough to suit the denizens of a Midwestern

city.

Before settlement by civilized man, Chicago and the

surrounding area was occupied by Algonquin, Mascouten and

Miami (made famous by Will Smith's 1998 single “Miami”)

indians. The Potawatomi were settled further east in present-

day Gary, Indiana, which is cited by Chicagoans as the

harbinger of the end of civilization, but also a pretty good

place to buy fireworks and guns. Additionally, the Fox tribe

was settled in the north, and the Illini in the southwest.

In the late 17th century, the French explorer and

trader Nicolas Perrot was brought to a Miami village near

present-day Chicago, and thus was the first European to visit

the region. At this point in the history of North America, the

French were all about river travel in little faggy canoes because it facilitated the beaver trade (lol) and proved to be a fast way

to travel. To travel between rivers, French voyageur (sodomites) would do a portage, which is basically just carrying your

canoe and other shit overland to the next river and continuing on with the journey. Explorers like Louis Jolliet , Sieur de Las

Salle, and Jacques Marquette were attracted to the area which is now Chicago because it is the most advantageous portage

point (not to mention strategic point) in North America, connecting the two most important bodies of water on the continen

– the Mississsipi river and the Great Lakes. However, the Chicago portage was characteristically abandoned by the French

early in the 18th century because of raids by Fox indians.



A Brief History of Chicago (Cont.)

The founder of Chicago is considered to

be Jean Baptiste Point du Sable, a French peasant

who settled on the mouth of the Chicago River

sometime in the mid 18th century. Almost nothing

known about him, which is kind of hilarious

considering he happened to build his trading

post/farm precisely on top of one of the most

important geographic locations in the New

World. Sable was actually arrested during the

American revolution on suspicion of being an

American sympathizer, which is also kind of

funny.

After the Fench and Indian War, in 1763,

the French ceded the area which is now Chicago

the British. In 1789, the area was ceded to the United States. In 1803-1804, Fort Dearborn was built on what is today the

intersection of Wacker drive and Michigan Avenue in the Loop. The site is demarcated by bronze placards embedded in the

sidewalk and street.

During the war of 1812, Fort Dearborn, which had become a small settlement, was evacuated. However, 500

Potawatomi indians ambushed the 148 residents during the evacuation, of whom 86 were killed. The fort was then burned to

the ground. #rekt.

The second Fort Dearborn was built in 1816, but didn't really do anything for anyone. In 1832, cholera was brought to

the fort and a bunch of people died. That’s about it. Most of the fort was demolished during the engineering project to

straighten 150 feet of the bend in the Chicago river which the fort was built on. This should give you some indication as to ho

many shits people gave about it.

In the 1830's, Chicago was noticed by land speculators and entrepreneurs for its potential as a transportation hub,

and they poured shit loads of cash into the city. Between 1833 and 1837, the population of the city increased 11 fold from 350

to 4,000. The state of Illinois granted Chicago a city charter on March 4 th, 1837. At that time, it was the 92nd most populous

city in America. By 1870 it would become the second most populous, and one of the most populous cities in the world.

Illustration 1: The site of Sable's farm can be seen here lol

http://goo.gl/maps/ma9Eh




The Illinois and Michigan Canal, which

connected Chicago directly to the Mississsippi and the

Gulf of Mexico, and the Galena & Chicago Union

Railroad were completed in 1848. Chicago would

eventually become the transportation hub of the

United States- the center of road, rail, water and air

connections for the entire country. The first national

retailers, Montgomery Ward, Carson Pirie Scott and

Sears, Roebuck and Company, sprang up in Chicago

because of its centrality as a transportation hub. The

city was central to the war effort against the dastardly

rebels in the War of Northern Aggression.

Let's get to the fun stuff- the Great Chicago

Fire, which destroyed two thirds of the city, killed 300 people and left 100,000 people homeless. And it was all because of

some fat Irish cunt named Catherine O'Leary. Nah, just kidding, O'Leary was used as a scapegoat for the fire because potato

heads had been swarming the city, so Chicagoans ate it up.

The reason two thirds of the city burnt down is not clear. Was it the high winds and dry conditions? Was it that almo

every single structure in Chicago was built out of wood, including the sidewalks? Was it that the Chicago river was so filled

with animal remains and other detritus that

the fire was able to literally skip across the

river at will? Nobody knows. The Chicago

Water Tower, a pumping station built in 1869,

was one of the few buildings to survive the fire.

It is purported to be haunted and Oscar Wilde

hated it, but it inspired the architecture of

White Castle franchises, so that is good.

Additionally, Debris from the fire was washed

into the Chicago river, which in turn deposited

it into lake Michigan. This was then covered in

dirt, paved over and built on top of. About one

third of downtown Chicago is built on the

remains of the fire.

Da Spooky Watertower




The most defining

moment in Chicago's history is

the World's Columbian

Exposition. It would turn out to

be by far the largest and most

grandiose World's Fair. 27

million people visited,

equivalent to one third of the

population of the UnitedStates. Also, H.H. Holmes

constructed a murder mansion

and made like 200 women

combat inoperative.

Congress was called

upon to decide the winner of a

massive bidding war between

New York, Chicago and Washington D.C. to host the fair. J.P. Morgan, Cornelius Vanderbilt and William Waldorf Astor alon

with the rest of New York's elite pledged to fund the fair with $15 million. Marshall Field, Phillip Armour, Gustavus Swift,

Cyrus Mckormick and Lyman Gage matched and exceeded New York's offer. The decision to give Chicago the fair was an

upset. To New Yorkers, who were ass deep in the Gilded Age, Chicago seemed rough, frontiersy and uncouth. Heck, it had

burned down 7 years earlier because it was made of trees. Trees! Chicagoans thought New Yorkers were just being faggy and

whiny as usual, and decided to make the Columbian Exposition the greatest display of architecture, industry, American

exceptionalism and class ever seen.

The fair was held to commemorate the 400 th anniversary of Columbus' discovery of the Americas. Forty-six nations

sent delegations to display the scientific, industrial, technological and artistic achievements of their people. Haiti was there

too lol.The fair itself was a 600 acre “White City” constructed in neoclassical architecture, which was illuminated by street

lights. People shit their pants over this thing. On opening day, men openly wept as the lights went on and women shit their

pants. The “porcelain cities” line was added to America the Beautiful .

I can't really overstate how big of an event this was for Chicago in this limited space. It put the city on the world map

and gave the Chicago a shining new identity it didn't even have months before. It dignified everyone in America not living on

the east coast and embodied America's ascension as an industrial and cultural behemoth. Norway paddled a viking ship over

which was nice too.



Other Chicago History – A Crash Course

1. 1890-1914 – The height of immigration to the city. Polish, Ukrainian, Russian, German, Italian, Greek, Czech and Slovak immigrants flood the city

and set up neighborhoods, make noice food.

2. The Haymarket Labor Riot

3. 1919- “The Blues” are brought to Chicago.

4. Al Capone creates a criminal empire in Chicago worth the equivalent of billions of dollars during prohibition. Da St. Valentines Day Massacre. Irish

and Italian gangs murder each other at the breathtaking clip of 75 people per year.

5. The Atomic Bomb is devised at the University of Chicago

6. Chicago becomes the “Hog Butcher of the World”. The Union Stockyards were a 450 acres complex of holding pens for livestock shipped in from

throughout the Midwest which were open for 106 years. The facility butchered thousands of animals per day and shipped them throughout the

country. It inspired Upton Sinclair's “Da Jungle”.

7. The Great Migration brings hundreds of thousands of black Americans to Chicago looking for work. “A Raisin in the Sun” is written.

8. Chicago's population peaks at 3.6 million in 1950, making it the 9th most populous city in the world.

9. Chicago's infamous political machine takes shape and is largely responsible for Kennedy's election to the Presidency

10. From 1970 until 2000, 1,000,000 Chicagoans move to the suburbs. The Old Navy Preacher takes his post.

11. Ferris Bueller's Day Off is filmed

12. 1989 sees the height of gang related violence in the city. Cozy Saints Row one feels. Gangsters with Tec 9's stand on top of high rise housing project

police do not patrol these areas of the city. About 500 gang related murders occur per year.

13. 1990's -The Chicago Bulls melt everyone's faces. “The Second City” School invents modern American comedy.

14. 2000-2013 – Chicago's population begins to grow again. Millennium park is completed, marking a new era in the City's history. The Sinaloa drug

cartel uses Chicago as the main distribution point for its bidness. 700 homicides per year are linked to the cartel.



The Flag

The historical events mentioned represent the stars on Chicago's flag. The points also mean osmething, like civic prid

or some shit, but who cares.



The Geography of Chicago

Chicago rests on lake Michigan in northeastern Illinois, and is bisected

by the Des Plaines and Chicago rivers, though a system of man-made canals

and other natural tributaries also characterize the area. The city limits

encompass the bed of the ancient Lake Chicago, which is why the city is

completely flat.

Nature wise, the Chicagoland area is mostly clusters of dense oak

forests and prairie which are dotted with creeks and sloughs (a less shitty

swamp). Top-tier wild life includes white-tail deer, cardinals and blue jays.

Shit-tier wild life includes skunk, possum, and south side negros.

Climate

It is a humid continental zone, which means the city is subjected to

warm, humid summers punctuated with spells of extreme heat and humidity

followed by snowy, frigid winters. Weather in Chicago is often attributed to the“lake effect”. You see, lake Michigan actually sucks. It is a giant, cold body of

water which complicates short term weather prediction. Lake effect snow

storms will dump a half of foot of snow on a given area without warning and

giant, primordial lightning storms will pop up and say “eat shit” with a few

hours warning.

I'm drunk



GoGo's Reccomendations for Sight Seeing

Visit The Signature Room at the 95th- The Signature

Room is a classy bar and restaurant on the 95 th and 96th

floor of the Hancock building, which was the second tallest

building in Chicago until Trump Tower was built. What's

great about it is that it is styled completely in Art Deco,

which makes you feel like a phobition-era blue blood as

you gaze casually at the city glowing away in the night,

trying to fight panic as you realize you are 950 feet in the

air. What's really great is that you can make lunch

reservations and throw back highballs at a window table

easily and cheaply. This has the secondary effect of bypassing the line for the skydeck, which is a mere ten floors higher and i

almost completely lacking in any restaurant atmosphere whatsoever. I'd also say the view from the Hancock is just as good a

the view from the Sears- you aren't as high up, so you get a realistic sense of grandeur. You are also right at the northern

border of the Loop, so you get a noice enfilade view of the entire city.Visit the Sears Tower skydeck and spring for “The

Ledge” - Whereas the Hancock provides a lower and grander

point of view, the Sears gives you an ethereal/Sim City/godlike

vantage point. It is 1,353 feet above the city which makes

movement more difficult to discern, yet it makes Chicago look

otherworldly like an alien city designed like a circuit board. Kers

are mere dots of light and there is no sound besides Minnesotans

claiming they can see their house. A few years ago, they built these

plexiglass boxes which jut out 2 feet over the side of the building.

The experience is worth paying for, especially if you manually

induce vertigo by planking in them.

The Wendella Combined Lake and River Tour- You board a double

decker boar thing on Michigan avenue, its big and it has alcohol. You sail west

under all the bridges as some gomie gives you a detailed history of the city

(what a faggot right) and tells you about the architecture of the buildings you

pass. You then sail east again, go through the Chicago lock, out onto the lake

and get a sweeping view of the skyline. What's great about this tour is you get agreat 90 minute entertaining crash course in architecture and history and see

the city from a very surreal angle- from the Chicago river. It is hard to describe

how it looks and feels. The city looks empty and utopian form down there, no

cars or pedestrians.

Yer facing the wrong way fagget



Continued

If You have Balls, Drive into Chicago on the Dan Ryan/ Exit 53 B – This is my favorite ground-level view of the ci

You go up in the air and look down into the city like it is in some kind of big bowl, and feel the true power of the skyline.

Walk through the Museum Campus, Grant Park, Millennium Park and the Magnificent Mile- These are the

most beautiful parts of the city, and they can all be seen with about 2.5 miles of walking. Grant Park is subdivided into The

Museum Campus, Millennium Park, and Maggie Daley park. It is a regal parkland covering most of the 600 acres where the

Columbian Exposition took place and encompasses enough art styles (art deco, neo-classical, beaux artsto make a graphic

design major blush In fact, The Chicago Field Museum of Natural History, Art Institute, Adler Planetarium and Shedd

Aquarium are the only remaining structures from the exposition. The area is known as “Chicago's Front Yerd”. It has acres o

gardens and other green space, the Jay Pritzker Pavillion, the Petrillo Music Shell, a winter skating rink, 16 softball fields, 18

tennis courts, 2 sand volley ball courts, and 3 miles of walking/biking trails. Additionally, it contains the Mckormick Tribun

Plaza, home to the famous “Bean, Wrigley Square, Boeing Gallery South, home of Crown Fountain, where giant digital black

children make faces at passers by. There is Buckingham fountain, which is one of the largest fountains in the world. It takes u

about an acre of space. Additionally, Grant Park houses about a dozen permanent monuments, a yacht club and two harbors

The place is fucken huge, and is frequented by Chicagoans and tourists alike. The Magnificent Mile is like New York City's

Times Square and 5th avenue rolled into one. It has a bunch of high end retail and restaurants, the site of Fort Dearborn, and

all in all a scenic walk.



GoGo's Reccomendations for Chicago food

These are GoGo's recommendations for classic Chicago foods:

The Best Gyro – A gyro is a greasy pita filled with mystery meat and topped with

cucumber sauce, onions and tomato. It is a Greek food, but Mexicans usually make i

Mr. Greeks in Greektown makes my favorite gyro. I can't figure out if the guy at the

register is retarded.

The Best Chicago Style Hotdog- A Chicago Style Hotdog is an all-beef frank

with a casing on a steamed poppy seed bun. Toppings include a pickle spear, raw

onions, bright green relish, tomato, yellow mustard, sport peppers and celery salt.

The best Chicago dog can be found at Hot Doug's, but it is considered one of the

best places to eat in the world so the line is about an hour and a half on the

weekends. The runner up is Portillo's, which has many locations. Do not ask for

ketchup on the hotdog. You will be made fun of, I am not being cheeky.The Best Deep Dish- A lot of morons who look at deep dish pizza

think it looks like a perverted lasagna, or some kind of fatty monstrosit

The reality of Chicago deep dish is that the best iterations stray as far

from those descriptions as possible. A good deep dish is a sophisticated

set of layers- a caramelized, buttery crust topped with the finest quality

mozzarella, an entire layer of home made Italian sahsidge, fresh

vegetables, and a chunky, perfectly acidic sauce on top. Then finally, a

sprinkling of Parmesan cheese. No excess greasiness or heaviness- the

quality of the ingredients and the chef do the work. Lou Malnatti's does

this the best. There are quite a few locations.

The Best Italian Beef – Italian beef is a sandwich made of thin slices of slow cooked, dripping roast beef on a long Italian

style roll native to Chicago. This is, in turn, dipped into the juices from whence the beef came and topped with hot and sweet

giardinera, an Italian concoction of minced vegetables pickled in oil and vinegar and/or Italian sweet peppers. Al's Beef on

Taylor Street has the best beef in Chicago. Portillo's is a close second.

The Best Maxwell Street Polish Sahsidge- A Maxwell Street Polish is

grilled kielbasa (don't call it a kielbasa no one will know what you are

talking about, just say “gimme a polish”) topped with grilled onions,yellow mustard and sport peppers on a bun. Jim's and its direct, identical

neighbor Express Grill both claim to have invented the Maxwell Street

Polish. Jim's has a better polish and better fries so who gives a heck. Also, th

area around the two places might seem seedy, but that is just because of

black people. There are lots of UIC students walking around.

Chicago also has many internationally renowned restaurants as well as almost any ethnic food you could ever want. These ar

just the classics of Chicago cuisine.



Other Junk to do in Chicago

Ride yer bike – Chicago is one of the most bike

friendly cities in the country and is steadily adding

miles of bike trails and bike lanes. Chicagoites and

tourists alike enjoy biking and jogging along da

famous Lakeshore Drive.

Go to Navy Pier – Navy Pier is actually Chicago's #1

tourist attraction, I shit you not. This makes it the

number one tourist destination in the Midwest. It is a

big fuckoff pier jutting out into the lake. I do not

know why it is so popular, but there is some cool shit

there. There is a big ass Ferris wheel, an arboretum, achildren's museum, a restaurant themed after Forrest

Gump, ethnic people and other bullshit. It is huge and

touristy but you can still have fun there.

Go to the beach- Chicago has 29 miles of beaches

which are considered public parkland. They but right

up against Lakeshore Drive so you have Da Skyline at

your back.

Watch some sports – Chicago has a lot of

goddamn sports teams. Cubs and White Sox tickets

are cheap. Blackhawks and Bears tickets will be in the

hundreds of dollars tho. Maybe try going to a sports

bar and yelling with the pollacks.

Ride the El – Chicago's public transportation is pretty

fucken good. The El is a big part of the city's identity

and you can ride it fer a coupla bucks.

Go on a gangster tour and do Hoodrat Shit -

Untouchable Gangster Tours is mega cheesy, cheap

and fun. If you want to learn about where all the

dagos killed each other during prohibition, and go by

Oprah's studio, take the tour.



Continued

See a Kraut U-Boat at the Museum of Science and

Industry – There is a fully intact German U-Boat at the

Museum of Science and industry, fully stocked with all the

original gear. You can go inside of it and act out Das Boot.

Do other Museum Shit – The Chicago Field Museum of

Natural History is fucken noice. It has the most complete

and large T-Rex skeletons ever found as well as miles of

super cozy cultural loot from the farthest reaches of the

earth. The same goes for the Art Institute. The Shedd

Squarium and Adler Planetarium are nice as heck too.

Chicago has 60 other museums as well.Hang Out at the Lincoln Park Zoo – The Lincoln Park Zoo is free and

open to the public and has some cool shit. It is right along the shore and people

jog/bike through it.

Visit the Botanical Garden, Fag – The same goes for the Botanical

Garden, which is actually kind of gigantic.



Chicago Slang/-isms and Culture

Chicago has an entirely unique accent which is spoken using a unique vernacular which affects almost a

people from the region but don't let it scare you. Additionally, Chicago has a lot of unique cultural stuff

going on. Here is a primer to get you acquainted with how different Chicago might be than where you

come from:

1. Grachki is a garage key, and a junkdrowr is a junk drawer, a drawer where junk is stored. A

sammich is a sandwhich. A “cuppatwotree” is a number meaning “a couple, perhaps two or three

“Dere” is “there”. “Jeetyet” means, “Did you eat yet?”. The living room is always called the

“frunchroom”. This is due to the architecture of Bungalow houses, which always puts the living

room at the front of the house.

2. Don't fucken say the “s” at the end of Illinois.

3. Don't fucken put ketchup on a hotdog.

4. People on the street will give you directions and recommend good pizza places if asked.

5. Distance is always measured in minutes, and directions are given using east/west/south/north (i

“turn north in Harrison street.

6. We say “kitty corner” not “katty corner”

7. Pizza is cut into squares, never into triangles.

8. Every house has celery salt

9. We dye the Chicago river green on St. Patrick's Day

10. Sentences are often ended with an extra preposition i.e. “Hey you wanna go with?” or “Hey, let's

grill out”

11. The interstates around the city are never called by number, but “Stevenson,

Kennedy,Eisenhower,Dan Ryan,Edens”

12. There is no “waterfront” area in Chicago

13. Forest preserves

14. Furniture is used to call dibs on parking spaces in the winter

15. The city is divided into the North, West, and South sides. North is rich, south siders are plebeian

west siders are ethnic

16. “Da” is fine to use as a definite article. “Youse” or “ya's” or “youse guise” are collective nouns.

17. A braht is a bratwurst, a common garlic sausage found in the midwest.

18. “Da niggers” are black people



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Da Chicago Guide Draft 1