Curtains Script

WHITE Revision - 3/2/06 1.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

SCENE: The stage of the Colonial Theatre in Boston.

TIME: 1959

(CURTAIN RISES on the Old Wild West,a prairie town outside a whiteschoolhouse. A CROWD of WESTERNCHARACTERS are SINGING and DANCING.)

COMPANYWIDE OPEN SPACES!EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES!WHERE THE FUTURE WAITS FOR YOU AND ME.IT'S KANSAS FOREVERAND WHEREVER I MAY ROAM,I SEE THOSEWIDE OPEN SPACESAND KNOW THAT KANSAS IS HOME!WIDE OPEN SPACES ... HMMMMM ...

RANDY (as Parson Tuck)Well, it's almost high noon and there don't seem to be nomore challengers for the sharpshootin' contest!

NIKI (as Schoolmarm)Oh, Parson Tuck, I was sure that masked gunslinger called"The Hood" was going to save our schoolhouse.

RANDY (as Parson Tuck)No, they put Rob Hood in jail for robbin' from the richCattle Barons and givin' the money back to the farmers.

(Beat.)

RANDY (as Parson Tuck) (Continued)What do you say to that, Madam Marian?

(Beat.)

NIKI (as Schoolmarm)Madam Marian, would you like us to Hold our Horses onesecond?

JESSICA CRANSHAW (as Madam Marian)Hold your horses one second! I see someone takin' aim at thishere target.

RANDY (as Parson Tuck)He can't win. There's already a bullet smack dab in themiddle of the bull`s-eye!


JESSICA CRANSHAW (as Madam Marian)Why he shot that other bullet in half!

NIKI (as Schoolmarm)No, not quite yet.

(A GUNSHOT RINGS OUT.)

JESSICA CRANSHAW (as Madam Marian)Why he shot that other bullet in half!

NIKI (as Schoolmarm)He saved the schoolhouse! And here he comes now! Why, it'sRob Hood!

COMPANYThat's Rob Hood! / It's that man they call The Hood. /He must have broke out of jail! / Consternation!

(ROB HOOD enters wearing a greencowboy hat and hood.)

JESSICA CRANSHAW (as Madam Marian)I wonder what face belongs to those lips I longed to kiss?

(ROB HOOD pulls off his hood,revealing:)

BOBBY (as Rob Hood)This face!

NIKI (as Schoolmarm)Why it's that friendly lawman from the east I was so crazyabout! I thought you were all done with us!

BOBBY (as Rob Hood)Not when this place is where I want to be, where I belong,keepin' company with the people I care the most about. Willyou be my lawful wedded wife, Miss Nancy?

NIKI (as Schoolmarm)Oh Hood, yes!

(CHEERS from the CROWD.)

CROWDDING-DONG, DING-DONG!

RANDY (as Parson Tuck)I SAID IT FROM THE PULPIT:WE THOUGHT HE WAS A CULPRIT.BUT HE DONE HIS LEVEL BEST TO DO SOME GOOD.


NIKI (as Schoolmarm)HE LEFT THE BAD GUYS SOBBIN',THEY CURSED HIM, VOICES THROBBIN':

JESSICA (as Madam Marian)"DAMN THAT SCHEMIN', STEALIN', THIEVIN', ROBBIN' HOOD."

BOBBY (as Rob Hood)I ONLY GAVE YOU BACK WHAT ONCE WAS YOURS!

COMPANYTHE HOME AND STATE WE CALL THE GREAT OUTDOORS!

WIDE OPEN SPACES!EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES!WHERE THE FUTURE WAITS FOR YOU AND ME.

JESSICAIT'S KANSAS FOREVER,

ALLAND WHEREVER I MAY ROAM,

COMPANYI'LL SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACESAND KNOW THAT KANSAS IS MY HOME!K - A - N - S - A - S - U - S - A!

(CURTAIN.)


SCENE 2

(CURTAIN UP for the COMPANY BOWS.)

Brisk, over-striving BOWS MUSIC. Cast Members take theirbows in that hurried manner as when a troupe is afraidthere may not be enough applause out there to cover themthrough the final curtain. "Schoolmarm" NIKI HARRIS takesher quick bow and relinquishes her place to male leadBOBBY PEPPER, who again removes his green "Hood" mask witha flourish.

Down the theatre's aisles come TWO MEN in tuxedos, eachholding a bouquet of flowers which they toss onto thestage as JESSICA CRANSHAW arrives at the edge of theproscenium. She extends her arms to the audience and then,as cymbals crash, she sings a last line and impulsivelybrings both hands to her mouth as if to blow a kiss. FOURMALE DANCERS begin a kick line with JESSICA in the center,the COMPANY joining the line as they SING ONE LAST CHORUS... we suddenly notice that JESSICA is being held up onlyby the linked arms of the alarmed dancers on either sideof her. Her feet drag and flail on the stage as if shewere a rag doll. She drops to the floor.

(All gasp.)

BOBBYShe's fainted. Curtain!

(looks about)For God's sake, drop the curtain!

THE CURTAIN FALLS as we segue ...

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE 3

... to THE STAGE OF THE COLONIAL THEATRE.

(Just before midnight that same night. AARON FOX, GEORGIAHENDRICKS, and CARMEN BERNSTEIN, each hidden behind anopened newspaper. They are joined by OSCAR SHAPIRO.)

GEORGIAOh my god.

AARONHoly Mother in heaven.

CARMENHoly Shit.

OSCARThe reviews aren't good? What don't they like?

GEORGIAThat we put on a show.

AARONThe Boston Globe says: "If you loved Oklahoma, stay there aslong as Robbin' Hood is running in Boston."

CARMENHow about: "Calls to mind Walt Disney's Pinocchio -- becauseits star is wooden, oughtta be hung by piano wire, andswallowed by the first whale that enters Boston Harbor."

OSCARWho said that?

CARMENThe Christian Science Monitor.

OSCARYou're the producer, Carmen, I sank the profits from mysweetest sweatshop into this show. There's got to besomething we can use.

CARMENLet me consult with the writing team. Georgia, Aaron: does"execrable" have two meanings?

GEORGIANo.

CARMENWell that's a shame. Critics! Who'd make a living by killingother people's hope? [I mean,]


CARMEN (Continued)WHAT KIND OF MAN WOULD TAKE A JOB LIKE THAT?

OSCARWHAT KIND OF SLOB WOULD TAKE A JOB LIKE THAT?

CARMEN & OSCARWHO COULD BE MEAN ENOUGH, BASE AND OBSCENE ENOUGH,TO TAKE A JOB LIKE THAT?

GEORGIAHey, maybe there's something good about us in The Globe afterall: "Formerly married, formerly hit songwriters Aaron Foxand Georgia Hendricks, here manage to cast a few sparks -- "

CARMEN" -- but sadly don't start a fire big enough to transform ex-film star Jessica Cranshaw into a silent, smoking cinder ofcharred human flesh ..." No, I guess not.

AARONWHAT KIND OF MOM WOULD RAISE HER BOY LIKE THAT?

GEORGIAWHO'D WANT HER BABY TO DESTROY LIKE THAT?

ALLWHO COULD BE JERK ENOUGH. HARD UP FOR WORK ENOUGH TO WANT A JOB LIKE THAT?

OH! WHAT KIND OF LOW-DOWN DIRTY BUM?OH! WHAT KIND OF SWINISH, SCURVY SCUMLOATHSOME AS THEY COME?I WONDER ...

OSCARWHAT KIND OF MAN WOULD WANT A JOB LIKE THAT?

CARMENWHAT KIND OF PUTZ WOULD SQUEEZE YOUR NUTS LIKE THAT?WHO COULD BE PRICK ENOUGH.

CARMEN & OSCARMENTALLY SICK ENOUGH

CARMEN, OSCAR, & GEORGIAWHO'D WANT TO GROW TO BE EVERYONE'S ENEMY?

ALLCRITICS ARE HATEDAND SO EXCORIATEDTELL ME WHAT KIND OF MANWOULD WANT A JOB LIKE --


OSCARStop the presses! The Cambridge Patriot says: "Given thetalent and experience of the veterans involved, "Robbin' Hoodis sure to be a solid gold Broadway smash."

(Beat.)

ALLWHAT KIND OF GENIUS HAS A MIND LIKE THAT?SO PERSPICACIOUS, WISE AND KIND LIKE THATFAR FROM HIS MOTHER'S KNEESHE MUST BE THRILLED TO SEEHOW HE GREW UP TO BESUCH LOVELY COMPANY THOUGH MOST CRITICS ARE STINKERSTHERE ARE FEW HEAVY THINKERSSO IT LIFTS UP YOUR HEART TO MEET A MAN LIKE THAT!

AARONYeah, but the Cambridge Patriot isn't the Boston Globe.That's the paper we needed.

OSCARFunny nobody mentions that Jessica fainted.

GEORGIAThat happened during the bows, Oscar, after the critics havealready dashed out of the theatre to dash off their post-mortems. Face it: we've gotten our notices and we've beengiven notice.

AARONI'm afraid you're right.

CARMENNo, no, you two are just oversensitive because you wrote theshow. This is just Round One. The first show my husband and Iproduced was savaged in New Haven like a luau for starvingcannibals. But we rolled up our sleeves, did a major rewrite,and brought it to Broadway. And that musical, my friends, was"Kiss ... Me ... I'm Irish."

(Beat.)

AARONNever heard of it.

CARMENClosed before we asked the audience not to unwrap candy. Butthe point is: this is a Sidney and Carmen Bernsteinproduction, we decide if it goes to Broadway ... not DarylGrady of the Boston Globe.


GEORGIAWhere was your husband tonight, Carmen?

CARMENSidney's in New York, nailing a theatre for us and, knowingmy husband, also nailing a soprano who doesn't dance butknows how to move.

OSCARSo we're still going to Broadway?

CARMENAaron and Georgia keep writing tunes that bounce, you keepwriting checks that don't.

AARONVery nice, but until our leading lady gets out of thehospital, who knows what happens next?

GEORGIAThey just have her under observation, I'm sure she'll be outby the morning --

BELLING (O.S.)(bellowing from a distance)

Is there no limit!?

GEORGIASounds like our director.

BELLING (O.S.)Is there no limit?!

GEORGIAWe may have to do that English thing: you know, leave himalone in the study with a loaded revolver.

(CHRISTOPHER BELLING Enters)

BELLINGIs there no limit, I ask you, to the brilliance of mybrainstorms?

CARMENI assume you haven't seen the reviews.

BELLINGNever read reviews.

OSCARChris, where the hell were you tonight? I've put a lot ofmoney into this show. As our director, you owed all of us --


BELLINGOh, be still your foolish mouth. Nothing to be gleaned bywatching one's show with the fraudulent audience of anopening night. Went for a walk. Passed the Cathedral of theHoly Cross. Went in. Wildly spiritual -- I tell you thosefucking Catholics really know how to put on a show. And rightthere in the middle of the Eucharist ... I had an Epiphany.At this stage in the life of any musical, one should nolonger be trying to invent anything brilliant... one shouldsimply be trying to eliminate all that's godawful. What, Iask without fear of contradiction, was the most godawfulthing in our show?

AARON, GEORGIA, CARMENJessica.

BELLING(with them)

Jessica, of course. Carmen, I came back here hoping toconvince you to get rid of our star -- only to have the castinform me she's in the hospital! I see the hand of the Lordin this. We don't have to end here in Boston, no matter whatDaryl Grady of the Globe says.

CARMENI thought you never read reviews.

BELLINGI say we dismiss Jessica Cranshaw and announce that Robbin'Hood is going to be revamped without our vamp.

(JOHNNY HARMON has Entered.)

JOHNNYMrs. Bernstein? There's a phone call for you in your office.

CARMENThanks, Johnny. Probably my lesser half calling from NewYork.

(starts to leave the stage)This is not going to be fun. I first learned in San Juan thatif my husband gets just one negative review, he's useless fordays.

AARONThe two of you had a show in San Juan?

CARMENNo, a honeymoon. Get it?

(CARMEN Exits.)

GEORGIAJohnny, you're the stage manager, how would you say the castis taking the reviews?


JOHNNYJessica's been so hard to live with, I think they'd all behappy if the Bernsteins closed the show here and now.

BELLINGDefeatists the lot of you. You've yet to hear my plan ofaction but hear it ye shall. Johnny: come help me watch youmove the piano.

(JOHNNY and BELLING EXIT.)

OSCARYou think our director wants us to go to Broadway using anunderstudy?

AARONWell, to be fair, both Niki and Bambi are game enough.

GEORGIABambi's fair game for anyone.

AARONGeorgia --

GEORGIAYou forget I've been down this road with you before. If wewere still married, I'd be beating you over the head with ablunt ingenue.

AARONYou're a fine one to talk. You think I don't see youconstantly playing up to our leading man, the guy who brokeup our marriage?

GEORGIAAaron, you're the guy who broke up our marriage. Bobby wasjust there when I needed someone and here he is again heythere Bobby.

(She has seen that BOBBY is there.)

BOBBYWe're saving money downstairs by combining the opening andclosing night party. Come down and join us, Georgia. And howabout you, Aaron?

AARONYeah, and how about me?

(BELLING re-enters.)

BELLINGEh bien mes enfants, a brief demonstration of what's beenwrong with this show right from its very first love song.


(JOHNNY pushes on a piano.)

AARONYou mean "Thinking of Him?" That's one of my best songs inthe show.

GEORGIA(annoyed)

One of our best songs.

AARONSee, Georgia agrees with me.

BELLINGNonetheless, I've had a problem with it since our very firstday of rehearsal. Johnny, Georgia's going to sing our leadinglady's first number, put her in light cue One-H, go ...

(JOHNNY trots off as BELLING tells GEORGIA)... the song where she brushes her hair in the mirror andsuddenly realizes all her thoughts are of Bobby.

AARONOf Rob Hood.

BELLINGOf course. Aaron, play, Georgia, sing.

(As SHE sings, the COMPANY driftsin, listening with admiration.)

GEORGIATHINKING OF HIM ... THINKING OF HIMSOMETIMES IT SEEMSI SPEND EVERY MOMENT OF MY WAKING DAYTHINKING OF HIMMAKING HIM LAUGH, SOMETIMESMAKING HIM STRONG, SOMETIMESMAKING HIM FEEL SOME PLACE IN THE LIGHT IS HISTELLING HIM JUST HOW SPECIAL HE IS

THINKING OF HIM ... THINKING OF HIMTELLING THE TRUTH WHEN NOBODY'S WILLINGTO TELL HIM THE TRUTHFIGHTING FOR HIMLIVING FOR HIMTHINKING IT OVER, THAT'S WHAT I THINK I DOWELL, ISN'T IT TIME ...ISN'T IT HIGH TIMEI WAS THINKING OF ME, TOO.

AARONMAYBE IT'S TIME --


BOBBY(taking over)

MAYBE IT'S TIMEMAYBE IT'S HIGH TIME!YOU WERE THINKING OF YOU ...

GEORGIATHINKING OF ME ...

GEORGIA & BOBBYTOO.

(THE COMPANY applauds.)

BELLINGWell done, Georgia.

BOBBY(admiringly)

Wow. I finally hear how that song was meant to go.(to AARON:)

Sorry for cutting in on you.

AARONI'm getting used to it.

(to Belling)Look, Chris, if something's been wrong with that tune sinceour first rehearsal, you'll have to tell me what it is.

BELLINGIt's that Georgia hasn't been the one singing it.

BOBBYAmen and amen.

BELLING(to Company)

Now look here, everyone: I think it's a damn shame Jessicacollapsed at tonight's performance. She might have done itweeks ago and saved us a month of misery. I propose werehearse and re-open our show with Jessica's part played bythe talented person this score so richly deserves.

NIKIMay I speak? As Jessica's understudy, I'd feel terribletaking over under these circumstances --

BELLINGNo need to feel terrible, Niki.

NIKIBut --


BELLINGNo need because you're still going to be the understudy. ToGeorgia.

(over COMMOTION from the COMPANY)

AARONGeorgia?

OSCAR(overlapping)

But she's not a performer!

BOBBY(overlapping)

Best idea you've everhad, Chris.

BAMBI(overlapping)

Has she ever done a show?

RANDY(overlapping)

Anything would bebetter than Jessica.

GEORGIAI ... I don't know, Chris.

BELLINGYou know the score and script better than anyone else, yousing the songs from your heart because that's where the wordscame from.

GEORGIAIt's been a while since I traded in my tap shoes for arhyming dictionary.

BAMBIExcuse me, but speaking for those of us in the chorus, Ireally think Niki should get the role. She's talented, anddedicated --

BELLINGAnd since you're Niki's understudy, if she gets the lead, youget her part.

BAMBI-- well yes, that too.

BELLINGNice try, Bambi. But either Georgia is in or I'm out. What doyou say, Oscar?

OSCARChris, I'll put my money where your mouth is.

BELLINGLaunder it first. And I assume, Aaron, that this move morethan meets with your approval?


(Silence. ALL look at AARON.)

AARONI, uhm ... no, to be honest, it doesn't.

GEORGIAThanks for the vote of confidence.

AARONI have my reasons. Besides, this entire debate is pointlessif Jessica shows up tomorrow --

BELLING-- ready to go on like the brave little storm trooper she is.

BOBBYWell, if she comes back, I'm sorry folks, but I, I'm bowingout. I mean, her performance was worse than ever thisevening.

(CARMEN BERNSTEIN has returned.)

CARMENJessica Cranshaw will never be better than she was thisevening.

BOBBYBut she was horrible.

CARMENI know. But she'll never be better. She's dead.

(GASPS from the COMPANY.)

CARMEN (Continued)That was the hospital on the phone. In terms of futureperformances, Jessica Cranshaw now has a conflict.

GEORGIAWhat ... what happened?

CARMENThey wouldn't tell me.

(to Christopher)Chris? Do you want to say something to the cast?

BELLINGNo, I have no notes ...

CARMENI mean about Jessica!


BELLINGWell ... let's all form a semi-circle, boy-girl-boy-girl,tallest on the inside.

(THEY shuffle around)Bambi, you're blocking Niki for the entire left side of thehouse -- no, this isn't working --

GEORGIAChris.

BELLINGWell then ... shall we observe a minute of silence, to matchthe audience's response to Jessica's first number?

AARONSay something, for God's sake.

BELLINGPeople ... a human being has died.

(a COUGH from RANDY)Or rather, a leading lady has died. And I'm sure we'll allremember Jessica in our thoughts and in our resumes. Perhapswe can best pay tribute to her now by voicing our sentiments --

(assigns:)Soprano-Alto-Tenor-Bass!

COMPANYOOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO!

BAMBITHE WOMAN'S DEAD, THE WOMAN'S DEADGO TELL HER FANS TO CHANGE THEIR PLANSOUR STAR IS DEAD

NIKIWOULD SOMEONE CARE TO SAY A PRAYER

RUSSELLWHO MIGHT THAT BE?

ROBERTADON'T LOOK AT ME!

BAMBI, NIKI, RUSSELL & ROBERTATHE WOMAN'S DEAD.

COMPANYOOOOOOOOOOO!OOOOOOOOOOO!OOOOOOOOOOO!THE WOMAN'S DEAD, SHE'S DEAD AND DONE


RANDYSHE'S IN THE PAST AND NOW THE CASTIS MINUS ONE ...

ARLENETHERE'S SOME GOOD NEWSHER UNION DUESWILL ALL BE WAIVED ONCE SHE'S EN-GRAVEDTHE WOMAN'S DONE.

COMPANYOOOOOOOOOOO!OOOOOOOOOOO!OOOOOOOOOOO!

WOMENTHE WOMAN'S DEAD,

MENTHE WOMAN'S DEAD


MENTHE WOMAN'S DEAD

BAMBISHE WAS A BITCH

HARVAND UNDERPITCH

BAMBI & HARVAND NOW SHE'S DEAD

MENOUR STAR IS DEAD!

BOBBYIT'S FOR THE BEST

NIKISHE'S LAID TO REST

HARVWITHOUT A DRESSER TO MOLEST

BOBBY, NIKI, HARVTHE WOMAN'S DEAD!



MENTHE WOMAN'S DEAD


MENTHE WOMAN'S DEAD

WOMENTHE WOMAN'S DEAD.

BAMBISHE'S LEFT THIS PORT WITH RIGA MORTTHE WOMAN'S DEAD

WOMENTHAT'S RIGHT, SHE'S DEAD

MENTHE SKIES ARE BLUE

NIKIHER LIPS ARE TOO

COMPANYCAN'T BLOW HER NOSECAN'T SHAKE HER HEADSEE FOR YOURSELFIT'S LIKE I SAIDTHE WOMAN'S DEFINITELYPOSITIVELY --

(LIEUTENANT FRANK CIOFFI Enters,bright and eager.)

CIOFFIExcuse me, I'm Lieutenant Frank Cioffi of the Greater BostonPolice Department, Homicide Division, and oh it's an honor tobe standing on the same stage with each and every one of you.

COMPANY(sung)

DEAD!

CIOFFIFirst, let me assure you that I don't want my own work todelay your production from reaching the home on Broadway itrichly deserves. I happened to see Robbin' Hood in previewsand may I say that, with the exception of the deceased MissCranshaw, you're all just such wonderful performers ...

(PLEASED COMPANY MUMBLINGS)


CIOFFI (Continued)And what a great score.

AARONWell I appreciate that, Lieutenant.

GEORGIAOn behalf of my half of that compliment, thanks as well.

CIOFFIYou're more than welcome. I've, well, I've done a littlecommunity theatre myself --

(polite "How nice" and "Oh"s fromTHE COMPANY)

CIOFFI (Continued)-- oh, no, nothing that fancy, although my Billy Bigelow atthe Brookline Barnhouse got a favorable review ... and in "AMidsummer Night's Dream," my Bottom was very well-received.

CARMENI'm sorry I missed it.

CIOFFIOh, no, it was nothing, nothing like...

(looks about in awe)This.

BELLINGWait one moment. You say that you're from Homicide?

CIOFFIAh, well, yes. Based on a preliminary autopsy, it's clearthat Jessica Cranshaw was murdered.

(SHOCK from the COMPANY.)

BELLINGAnd, and what are they doing with her killer? I mean, does heget some sort of trophy, or a Pontiac convertible...?

GEORGIAChris.

BELLINGSorry, pure reflex.

GEORGIAWhat ... what killed her?

CIOFFIHydrocyanic acid, commonly used in electroplating and the gaschamber at San Quentin.

(MORE)


CIOFFI (Continued)It was in capsule form, which is why no one realized she'dbeen poisoned until the capsules dissolved in her stomach,starting a chemical reaction ...

GEORGIAHorrible.

CIOFFIWorking backwards from when the capsules dissolved, we knowshe was poisoned in the very final minutes of the openingnight performance. My men are downstairs, going through yourdressing rooms --

(REACTION from the COMPANY.)

CIOFFI (Continued)Yes, and I'll want each of you to give them your name,address, and eight-by-ten glossy. Now, who's in charge here,other than myself?

BELLINGPermit me, Lieutenant. I'm the critically-acclaimed directorChristopher Belling. I'll be blocking your investigation.

CIOFFIHope not. But if you need to wrap things up with your cast,please go right ahead.

BELLINGI was planning to. Company! I know you'll give Georgia yoursupport as she steps into the late Miss Cranshaw's shoes,which also had supports.

CARMENWait a second! You want Georgia to take over for Jessica?

CIOFFIGosh, that's, that's a pretty interesting idea.

BELLINGMine.

CARMENNo offense, Georgia, but I'm not so sure about this. Youcould be an embarrassment of riches or, frankly, a goddamnembarrassment.

BELLINGIt's the only brilliant solution I can offer, at least herein Boston. Love it.

CARMENBut this isn't -- all right, as a temporary fix.

(MORE)


CARMEN (Continued)But when we go to Broadway -- and we ARE going to Broadway --it's a whole new ball game.

BELLINGLet's make it unanimous then. All in favor of resuscitating Robbin' Hood ... please say aye!

NIKIAye.

BOBBYYeah, sure, aye.

(Otherwise, coughs, an idle whistle.)

OSCARThat's it? I back this show and you're all backing out?

(GENERAL AGREEMENT from the CAST.)

CARMENCome on, so what if we got killed by the critics while ourleading lady got killed. There's more important things inlife than ... life. Come on, you people have stage blood inyour veins, you rise to the occasion whenever that curtainstarts to rise: what do you say, gang, we can make this showhappen, are you with me?

(A beat.)

HARVYou know if we leave now, we can make the last train.

COMPANYSo much to pack. / I don't owe anyone nothing. / That'sthat./ Anyone want to share a ride? / etc.

CARMENStop --!IT'S CLEAR THAT EVERY ONE OF YOUIS IN PERFECT PHYSICAL CONDITIONSO THE SHOW MUST GO ON

RANDYWhy?

CARMENBECAUSE AS OLD AS TIME ITSELF IS THAT GRAND THEATRICAL TRADITION THAT THE SHOW MUST GO ON

BAMBIForget it!


CARMENI'VE GOT A CONTRACT YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT GO READ YOUR CONTRACT AND I WILL COUNT TO TEN AND THEN, I'LL SUE YOU OH YES, I'LL SUE YOU AND WHEN I SUE YOU, YOU'LL NEVER WORK AGAIN!

COMPANYYou can't talk to us that way / We have our rights / etc.

(Above all this:)

RANDYWho's the Equity Representative?

BAMBII am. Mrs. Bernstein, as Equity deputy, I must warn you: anyfurther threats and you'll be brought up on charges.

CARMENOh, shut up, Elaine!

BAMBIThe name is Bambi.

(beat)Mother.

CARMENI hate "Bambi."

(beat)Elaine.ALL RIGHTLET'S PUT IT THIS WAY:FOR THE BACKERS' SAKE, I'M ASKING YOUR PERMISSION TO LET THE SHOW GO ON

RANDYNo!

CARMENTHE SHOW MUST GO ON!

ROBERTANever!

CARMENTHE SHOW MUST GO ON!

HARVWhy?!

CARMEN'CAUSE I SAY THE SHOW MUST GO ON!


COMPANYHorseshit!

NIKIOh!

CIOFFII can't believe I'm hearing this! I won't believe it! Puttingon a musical has got to be the most fulfilling thing a personcould hope to do. You're all heroes to me. YOU'RE ... A ... SPECIAL KIND OF PEOPLE KNOWN AS SHOW PEOPLE YOU LIVE IN A WORLD OF YOUR OWN THE AUDIENCE PAID PLENTY TO SIT THERE AND CLAP HEARING YOU SING WATCHING YOU TAP DID YOU KNOW YOUR DENTIST LONGS TO BE IN SHOW BUSINESS?YOUR WINDOW WASHER WANTS TO BE A STAR AND THOUGH YOUR ANALYST MAY NEVER COUCH IT THAT WAY --

CARMENAnalyst -- Couch -- that's funny!

CIOFFI-- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE!SOME POLICEMEN AND DETECTIVES DREAM OF SHOW BUSINESS THEY CAN'T GET ARRESTED BUT STILL THEY SIT AROUND THE STATION AND FANCY THIS LIFE:THEY JEER SHERLOCK HOLMES AND CHEER MACK THE KNIFE.

CIOFFI AND CARMENASK YOUR CLEANING LADY, "DON'T YOU DREAM OF SHOW BUSINESS TO VOCALIZE OR STRETCH BESIDE A BARRE?"HER AFFIRMATIVE SHRUG AS SHE SHAMPOOS YOUR RUG LETS YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE

OSCAR, CIOFFI AND CARMENTHERE'S A SPECIAL KIND OF AURA 'ROUND A SHOW PERSON JUST ASK THE NEXT WAITER YOU MEET

CIOFFIHE WALKS IN FIFTH POSITIONHIS VOICE IS JUST GRAND

CARMENHE GIVES YOU THE CHECK YOU GIVE HIM A HAND


OSCAR, CIOFFI AND CARMENIF THE BOYS IN VALET PARKING TURNED TO SHOW BUSINESS THEY COULD SCALP A HIGHER TICKET FOR YOUR CAR

OSCARAND MY TREE SURGEON NOW STARTED TAKING A BOUGH -- A bough, get it? B-O-U-G --

CIOFFI & CARMEN(Interrupting)

-- DON'T YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?

CARMENAll right -- everybody!

COMPANYIT'S AN HONOR AND A JOY TO BE IN SHOW BUSINESS I FEEL THAT SPOTLIGHT HIT ME AND I'M GONE AT THE LAST CURTAIN CALLI'M THE ENVY OF ALL SO I KNOW THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

(THE CAST APPLAUDS THEMSELVES,reminded of what they're all about.)

CIOFFIAnd listen: Robbin' Hood really should go on --

NIKILieutenant! My name's Niki --

CIOFFI-- Harris. Miss Niki Harris. I read your bio several timesthrough on the bus ride home the other night. May I say Ifound your performance particularly memorable? It was justlovely.

NIKIWell thank you.

CIOFFILovely.

(Beat.)

NIKIWell thank you.

CIOFFII'm crazy about your little vibrato.

NIKIYou're very kind.


CIOFFII try to be. That's not always easy in my line of work.

NIKIYesterday I was coaching Miss Cranshaw on her lines and ofcourse I said I'd be glad to help --

CIOFFIThat's so like you.

NIKIWell, I'm also her understudy -- at least I was -- I guessI'm Georgia's now -- but then these three letters fell out ofMiss Cranshaw's script. She laughed them off but I kept them.I'm afraid my fingerprints are all over them.

(handing him letters)They're death threats. See, the words and letters have beenpasted onto the paper, cut from a newspaper, I suppose.

CIOFFI"YOU'RE MURDERING THE SCORE BUT I'LL MURDER YOU." "YOU'LLDROP BEFORE THE CURTAIN DOES." "IF YOU DON'T QUIT, YOU'LL DIELEGIT."

NIKICan you tell anything from them?

CIOFFIWell they seem pretty negative in spirit.

NIKIWell, yes, of course.

(He sees her disappointed reaction.)

CIOFFIOh, I'm sorry, you were hoping for more of the Arthur ConanDoyle version? Unfortunately, these notes reveal very littleexcept that the person who sent them is a man in his earlythirties, six feet four in height, who wears a pewter ring,served in the Merchant Marine, and despite being right-handed, is known to his closest friends as "Lefty."

(ADMIRING MURMURS from the CAST.)

NIKIHow ... how ever do you know that?

CIOFFIOh I don't. I was just saying that, you probably hoped Iwould be able to tell -- wow, if I could do that just from --I mean.


CARMENGee, for a second I was impressed. As I once told my husbandin San Juan. Get it?

(one clap of her hands)Well, what do you say we go across the street and haveourselves one slobberknocker of a wake for the late-if-less-than-great Jessica Cranshaw? Drinks are on me!

(HAPPY CLAMORING from the COMPANY)

CIOFFIJust a minute! I'm afraid I have some bad news. This theatreis quarantined. All the exits are guarded. And uh ... none ofyou can leave.

(THE COMPANY PROTESTS LOUDLY.)

CIOFFI (Continued)No, I'm sorry, you'll all be living right here, in thetheatre, until further notice. Emergency Services will bringin cots and meals.

CARMENAnd what the hell do we do about changing our clothes?

CIOFFIWe're picking up extra clothing from your hotel rooms, whichare currently being searched for possible evidence.

(OUTRAGE from the cast.)No, no, I'm afraid it's all perfectly legal, I have a searchwarrant that covers the entire original cast. Look, it'svivid in my memory that Jessica Cranshaw never left the stagefor the last fifteen minutes of the show. Miss Harris, inthose few seconds between the final curtain and taking herbow, could she have left the stage?

NIKINo, she only had a few seconds to get in line with me.

CIOFFIThen I'm sorry but ... she had to have been murdered by oneof you.

(GASPS and MURMURS from the COMPANY.)

CIOFFI (Continued)I've never had a case with this many suspects and I can'thave each of you followed around the clock. It's better Ikeep you under lock and key until I solve this mystery.

CARMENYou're taking the law into your own hands, Cioffi!


CIOFFIWell that's -- that's sort of what I'm paid to do. I mean,that's why I have a badge and my own gun ... anyway, beingsequestered here will let you all focus on fixing the show.

BELLINGFixing?

CIOFFIWell, there must be certain changes and cuts you want to makein light of the reviews ...

BELLINGNow just one bloody moment --

CARMENLieutenant: do we have any choice about staying?

CIOFFINot really. So if you'll all ... head downstairs, please?

CARMENWhen my husband gets back from New York, you're gonna hearfrom him, Cioffi. The only thing Sidney Bernstein takes lyingdown is Maria Callas.

(beat)Get it?

(THE COMPANY EXITS, grumbling.)

NIKIAnd will you be wanting me any further, Lieutenant?

CIOFFINo, you're free to go ... but I do have some questions foryour boyfriend.

NIKII don't have a boyfriend.

CIOFFIOh my gosh. Um. Miss Harris, I'd like to take you into myconfidence regarding this investigation.

NIKIWhy's that Lieutenant?

CIOFFIWell because if I don't, there's really no reason for us tokeep talking.

NIKIThen take me into your confidence with confidence,Lieutenant.


CIOFFII just met an opening night cast who seem incredibly eager toclose. Something's wrong here.

NIKIMaybe they think they could be making better money back inNew York than with Sidney Bernstein, who's known to be ...thrifty. I think I landed my part mainly because I'm fromBoston, so he doesn't have to pay my room and board.Lieutenant, can I ask you --

CIOFFIAnything.

NIKIMy finding those death threats -- should I be worried thatI'm in danger?

CIOFFII don't really think so.

NIKIThat's good.

CIOFFIBut keep in mind I can be within arm's reach at any hour ofthe day or night.

NIKIThen I should be worried?

CIOFFINo, that was a completely unrelated thought.

NIKII guess you live with danger on a daily basis, don't you,Lieutenant?

CIOFFIOh, most of the time, it's paperwork and routine, no moredangerous than filling out your tax form. Detectives have noopening night, Miss Harris. We make our entrance after thecurtain has already fallen on somebody else's life.

NIKIBut it's a calling, isn't it? Like being a doctor, or ateacher?

CIOFFIOr an actor.

NIKII suppose you're right. I've only worked here in Boston, butI can't imagine doing anything else with my life. It's notwrong to be married to one's work, is it?


CIOFFINo. Not at all. But sometimes it's no honeymoon.I LOVE MY JOB.I REALLY DO.AND, IF I SAY SO MYSELF,I'M GOOD AT IT, TOOI CATCH THE BAD GUYS,(WELL) MOST OF THE TIMESO IT'S A GOOD LIFE,A PERFECTLY GOOD LIFE,NOT EXACTLY SUBLIME.

WHEN I'VE FINISHED MY WORKAND I CRAWL INTO BED,I REFLECT, AS I TURN OUT THE LIGHTS,THAT THE DAY THAT'S TO COMEAND THE WEEK THAT'S AHEADWILL BE LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS.LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS

I LIKE MY PALS,THE GUYS ON THE FORCE.WE'RE NOT VERY SOCIAL.THEY'RE ALL MARRIED, OF COURSE.SOMETIMES WE GO BOWLINGOR HAVE A FEW BEERS.SO IT'S A FINE LIFE,A PERFECTLY FINE LIFEI'D GIVE IT ... TWO CHEERS.

'CAUSE SOMETIMES I THINK,AT THE END OF THE DAY,WHEN I'VE READ THE LAST BURGLAR HIS RIGHTS,THAT THE LIFE THAT I LEAD IS A LITTLE BIT GREY.WITH ITS LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS.LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS.

NIKIBut, your acting roles, don't they make for a change?

CIOFFIOh Miss Harris, each year from May twenty-third to thetwelfth of June when I turn my life over to the SwallowStreet Players, that's more than a vacation for me. It's anoverture of hope, the timpani roll of my pounding heart, arising curtain to the greatest joy in my life. But where therest of the year is concerned ...

THE LIFE THAT I LEADIS A LITTLE BIT GREY.THERE ARE PLENTY OF LOW DAYS AND NOT MANY HEIGHTS.MOSTLY LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS.


CIOFFI (Continued)I don't mean to seem forward but ... might I walk you home?

NIKIOh, I'd be delighted -- but you said we're not allowed toleave.

CIOFFIDamn.

(MUSIC as they depart ...)

TRANSITION TO:


SCENE 4

STILL THE STAGE OF THE COLONIAL THEATRE

TIME: The next morning.

(GEORGIA is learning her vocal partand her blocking as the CASTrehearses a frothy productionnumber set along the banks of theColorado River. AARON promptsGEORGIA on her lyrics while BOBBYguides her through the choreographyas Director BELLING watches. Wejoin the number IN PROGRESS)

(In one conceit of this production number, the staging would include a Colorado river boat, repletewith dapper gamblers, braided crew members, and parasoled ladies -- perhaps even a few riverpirates. Perhaps the river boat doesn't appear until the song's final incarnation in Act II.)

GEORGIA, AARON, NIKI & BAMBIIN THE SAME BOATON THE SAME SEASHAKIN' INSIDE AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN' NARY A SHIPNARY A SAILNARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZONOH, HOW WE LONG TO STAND STILLSTOMACHS ARE IN DISTRESS

BOBBYAnd you move downstage.

GEORGIA, AARON, NIKI & BAMBIWE NEED A HELPING HAND, STILL NO ONE IS NEARWHO CAN HEAR WHEN WE S.O.S.

(Bars vamp in a loop.)

NIKIAnd this is you: "TATTERED AND TORN."

BAMBIMore like: "WEARY AND WORN."

GEORGIAFEELIN' FORLORN THAT I LOOK UNTIDYCHEWIN' MY NAILSPRAYIN' THAT WHALESAREN'T ALLOWED TO EAT MEAT ON "FRI-DAY"


GEORGIA & NIKI & BAMBISTILL, WE ARE NOT DISCOURAGEDDUE TO THE ANCIENT QUOTEYOU ARE LIKELY TO WINTAKE IT ALL ON THE CHIN WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT!

(THE CAST offers GEORGIAencouragement. OSCAR will enter,doughnut and coffee in hand.)

BELLINGGeorgia, you are the cat's meow, pajamas and whiskers inalphabetical order.

(BELLING exits.)

BOBBYIt's great, really great.

GEORGIAWell it doesn't feel like it's great.

BOBBYHoney, you're coming off really, really cute.

GEORGIAOh, you're so completely prejudiced. I feel as cute as abutton that you push to turn on the electric chair.

(sees Bobby's smile)What.

BOBBY(smitten)

You're just so cute when you talk like that.

GEORGIAAaron, you've always been honest with me about everythingexcept our marriage. How bad am I lousing up our song?

AARON(working on music at piano)

Actually, you're lousing it up pretty damn good.

BOBBYHoney, you'll be fine once you've broken the ice.

GEORGIATell that to the Titanic.

BOBBYSo cute.


JOHNNY(stepping out)

Okay folks, we've got the showers working now!(GRUMBLINGS from CAST)

You'll find robes and towels outside the Green Room, limityourself to two minutes, we don't know how long the hotwater's gonna hold out!

(COMPANY starts to Exit, while AARONand GEORGIA confer at the piano.BOBBY stretches, wincing in pain.)

BELLINGHow's your back holding up, Bobby?

BOBBYI can't dance, don't ask me.

OSCARDoes it really hurt that bad?

BOBBYNothing that a fistful of painkillers can't handle. [Demerol]

OSCARYou're a real team player, Bobby.

BOBBYOh I couldn't pass up this opportunity. The greatest actingassignment of my entire career.

(to Georgia)By the way, thanks for letting me use your shower.

GEORGIAIt's the best part of getting the star's dressing room.

BOBBYYou need the key back?

GEORGIANo, it's a duplicate. Who knows when you might need it again?

BOBBYOh you'll know.

(BOBBY gives her a little snarl-kissand leaves.)

AARONYeah, I just love this.

OSCAR(uneasy)

Friends who share is a very nice thing.


GEORGIAOn our last show, Aaron was very sharing with all his littlefriends in the chorus.[]

AARONI never did anything more than flirt with any cast memberonce I married you.

GEORGIABarbara O'Brien.

AARONShe was an usher. And anyway, by then you were fooling aroundwith Bobby.

GEORGIAIn retaliation.

OSCAR(forced jovial)

Well it's fun to reminisce about old times ... but now can wemake nice, because when you fight, my checkbook gets nervous.How can you tug at the customer's hearts if you're at eachothers throats?

GEORGIAOh, this is how we always worked. We'd fight, then laugh itoff ... make a joke about it ...

AARON... until one day we looked up and found that we were thepunch line.

(sings)FIRST THEY THINK, "WHY NOT GO FOR BROKE?"THEN THEY THINK THIS WAS ALL A JOKE.DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT US?

OSCARThat's good, joking, laughing, making beautiful musictogether ...

GEORGIAFIRST THEY SPEND PERFECT SUMMER DAYS.THEN THEY SAY, "LET'S GO SEPARATE WAYS".DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT US?

OSCARIt's not good that you both feel bad.


AARONAND THE DREAMS THEY DREAMED WERE ALL TORN IN HALF

GEORGIASTOP! LOOK! WAIT FOR THE LAUGH.FIRST THEY SAYWHY NOT CLOSE THE DOOR?

AARONTHEN THEY'RE BOTHLONELY AS BEFORE.

GEORGIA & AARONDEPRESSED, DESPAIRING,BUT OH, STILL CARING.DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT US?

OSCARWhat I heard about the two of you was that a great husbandand wife song writing team had gotten back together. Nobodytold me you were only reconciling yourselves to the words andmusic. The two of you fighting is no laughing matter.

AARONWho's laughing?

GEORGIACome on, Aaron. Can't you take a joke?

GEORGIA & AARONCONFUSED BUT COPINGAND OH, STILL HOPING

AARONDID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT US,

GEORGIADO YOU KNOW THE ONE ABOUT US?

GEORGIA & AARONTHE FUNNY JOKE ABOUT US?

(BELLING enters.)

BELLINGAh, Aaron, Georgia ... I have need to discuss with you a cutI wish to make in "My Heart is your Target"? Just a few bars --

AARONOh yeah? How many bars do you want me to cut?

BELLINGFrom bar one until there's bar none.

(MORE)


BELLING (Continued)And I wish you to fill this newly-created vacancy with a songso catchy it would take a vaccine to resist it.

AARONOh. Oh, you want me to write a "hit."

BELLINGYes, and not some song from one of your failed shows, either --none of your Eine Kleine Trunkmusik. I want a bloodymasterpiece.

AARONA masterpiece? Why didn't you say so? How's this?

(HE PLAYS "Che gelida manina" from"La Boheme".)

BELLINGMy God. My God, that's fabulous. I knew you had it in you!

AARONNo,Puccini had it in him, not me.

GEORGIAIt's from "La Boheme," Chris.

BELLINGEight people will know that and we can easily have themdestroyed.

OSCARSounds like a show stopper to me.

AARONIt's been stopping shows since 1896.

BELLINGWith music, familiarity breeds content. I suspect you simplydon't want your ex-wife singing an impassioned love song toBobby.

AARONFine, have it your way. You'll get a new song so timeless,they'll be singing it at La Scala ... right about now. Comeon, Georgia.

GEORGIAWe'll have to work fast. I've got a lot of choreography tolearn.

AARONDon't worry, the melody is half-written already. Correction.Make that already written.


(THEY EXIT. BELLING greets thearriving CIOFFI.)

BELLINGAh good morning, Herr Lieutenant! Had a lovely night sleepingin your Own Bed, did you?

CIOFFISorry about that.

BELLINGChange of clothes, fresh shave and ... is that Old Spiceyou're wearing, you rake?

CIOFFIMennen Skin Bracer.

BELLINGI intrigue you, don't I, Lieutenant?

CIOFFIAs both a director and a suspect, Mr. Belling.

(A COMMOTION OFF-STAGE as ENTERSSIDNEY BERNSTEIN and PLAINCLOTHESDETECTIVE O'FARRELL, trailed byCARMEN.)

SIDNEYGoddamit, you can't make me stay!

O'FARRELLTell it to the Lieutenant.

CARMENThere's no use fighting -- [joke to come]

SIDNEYI've got meetings, important ones.

CIOFFIMurder is kind of important, too, Mister ...?

SIDNEYThe name is Sidney Bernstein. You'll find it on the marqueeof this theatre, just above the word "PRESENTS." I just gotin on the first train out of Penn Station, I walk in the doorand this lummox here --

O'FARRELLI told him once he came in he couldn't leave.

CIOFFII'm afraid that's correct, Mr. Bernstein.


SIDNEYI refuse to be put in this position!

CARMENMy exact words on our honeymoon!

BELLINGSidney, I'm tendering my resignation. If I have noprofessional reason to be here, I don't see how the policecan keep me on the premises.

SIDNEY(ominously)

You wouldn't want to do that, Chris.

BELLING(instantly)

Oh what a very good point you raise, I never considered it inquite that light, well, mustn't stand here all day, scads todo, idle hands and all that ...

(to self)In order to resign, whom do I have to dry-hump around here?

O'FARRELLMrs. Bernstein?

CARMENHold on one second --

O'FARRELL(to Carmen)

No, I didn't mean -- I just want you to check this cast list.

(BELLING exits as O'FARRELL reviewsa list with CARMEN. SIDNEY says:)

SIDNEYLieutenant, I can't be a suspect, I was in Manhattan whenJessica got murdered.

CIOFFIYou can prove you were in New York?

SIDNEY(moving them downstage)

Can we talk as one man to another?

CIOFFII thought we were.

SIDNEY(soto voce)

I spent the night keeping company with a certain lady I'vebeen keeping on the upper East Side. If I gave you her name,it could ruin her reputation.


CIOFFIYour chivalry is touchingly convenient.

CARMENSidney, what are you talking about?

SIDNEY(as much to Cioffi as her)

Just that I guess I'm staying?

CIOFFII guess. O'Farrell?

O'FARRELL(moving to him)

Yes, Lieutenant?

CIOFFIDid we get the change of clothes for the cast yet?

O'FARRELLI just handed them out myself.

CIOFFIYou, uh, picked out what I told you from Niki's closet?

O'FARRELLYeah, mainly blues and greens. You setting some kind of trapfor her?

CIOFFINo, I'm trying to match her eyes. Now did you find anythingthat would --

(A nicely-attired MAN in hisTHIRTIES or early FORTIES enters.)

GRADYAh the crime scene and its -- dare I say it? -- Foul Play.

CIOFFI(to O'FARRELL)

Who's he?

O'FARRELLNo idea.

CIOFFIThis place is turning into Back Bay Station -- Excuse me?Lieutenant Frank Cioffi, Homicide. Mind telling me who areyou and how you got in here?


GRADY(flashing credentials)

As a member of the press, I'm exempt from your quarantine,Lieutenant. Daryl Grady of the Boston Globe.

CIOFFIReally. After the review you gave "Robbin' Hood," I can'timagine why on earth you'd show your face here.

SIDNEYBecause we asked him to be. Thanks for coming by on suchshort notice, Mr. Grady.

CARMENDespite the things you wrote about us.

GRADYI tried my level best to find something good about the show.I praised the choreography, after all ... and said the youngwoman who played the schoolmarm, Niki um ...

CIOFFIHarris.

GRADYHarris showed great promise --

CARMENWhich only made what you said about everyone else that muchworse.

GRADYWell, it's all history now. Please accept my condolences overthe loss of your star and your show.

SIDNEYYour sympathy is premature. When you interviewed me lastweek, I told you we were going to Broadway no matter whatyour review said. I guess you didn't take me seriously.

CARMENMr. Grady, we want you to review our show a second time.

GRADYSorry but that's ridiculous.

CARMENWe're making big changes. We plan to iron out the kinks overthe next week, then officially re-open "Robbin' Hood" here inBoston "en route to Broadway!"

CIOFFIOh yes.


GRADYRe-open it? Jessica Cranshaw is dead, the whole show wasbuilt around her!

CIOFFIThat was their biggest problem.

CARMENWith Georgia Hendricks taking over, I think you owe us asecond look.

GRADYGeorgia Hendricks. Wow. That's an unusual idea -- and, yes,there is a precedent for re-reviewing a show when the lead isreplaced. Yes, all right, Sidney, Carmen: I'll grant yourrequest and review tomorrow night's show.

CARMENTomorrow night's show? But that's -- tomorrow!

GRADYThat's the best I can offer. But be warned: I can't imagineany show surviving two bad reviews from the Globe in oneweek. You might want to consider some other possibilities.

SIDNEYCarmen, you better go tell our director that his new deadlineis tomorrow night.

CARMENHe's going to love that.

(CARMEN exits as NIKI has entered,dressed in blue and green.)

NIKIOh, Lieutenant. Good morning.

CIOFFIYou've just made it one, Miss Harris.

NIKIAnd you're back from New York, Mr. Bernstein!

SIDNEYThat blue and green outfit goes very nicely with your eyes,Niki.

CIOFFIThank you.

NIKIAnd oh my gosh. Daryl Grady. Am I allowed to offer my thanksfor the kind words you wrote in your review?


(She offers her hand but GRADYdoesn't take it.)

GRADYPlease don't misunderstand, Miss Harris, but I try not tofraternize with the artists whom I review.

NIKIOh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean --

GRADYQuite all right. You did stand out in what was an otherwiseabundantly misguided production.

CIOFFIMr. Grady, I thought your review of "Robbin' Hood" wasneedlessly cruel and way off the mark.

GRADYI'm not sure you know how to judge acting, Lieutenant.

CIOFFIWell, of course, you're the expert. However, I regret toinform you that I'm now placing you under arrest for thecrime of murder.

(ALL react in shock.)

GRADYWhat? Have you lost your mind?

CIOFFIAny statement you make may be taken down in writing and usedagainst you in a court of law.

GRADYThis is insane! What in God's name are you saying?

CIOFFII'm saying my best lines from Agatha Christie's Murder at theRectory. I played Inspector Hedge for the Natick Town Playerstwo summers ago.

(mock-surprised)Oh. Did you think I was saying that for real? Gosh. I'm notsure you know how to judge acting, Mr. Grady.

(beat)You can go now.

SIDNEYCome on, Grady, I'll walk you to the door.

(SIDNEY and GRADY exit.)

NIKISwell acting, Lieutenant, and not just on a community theatrelevel. I mean college.


CIOFFIWell, oh, thank you.

NIKIAnd how is your investigation coming along, if I may ask?

CIOFFII was just going over Sid Bernstein's financial records. Doyou know that everyone in this show is working for theabsolute Equity minimum -- I mean, even the late JessicaCranshaw? You were her understudy and Bambi is yours and yetall three of you were making the same salary ... Look, thisis no place to talk, let's you and me get out of here --

NIKIYou won't let me leave.

CIOFFIDamn.

(BOBBY, GEORGIA and AARON and CASTare drifting in.)

BOBBYSorry Lieutenant, but we need this space now. We're re-blocking the Keelboat number.

CIOFFIOh I'm going to have to watch this.

BOBBY(concerned)

Why, do you think something's going to happen?

CIOFFINo, I just really like this number. Although.

AARONWhat?

CIOFFIOh, it's nothing, but -- my gosh, I can't believe I'mactually saying this and, and shoot me with my own gun if I'mout of line --

BOBBYWhat is it?

CIOFFII don't think just changing the choreography is going tohelp. The song itself is kind of lackluster. It lacks ...

BOBBYYes?


CIOFFILuster. You, Big John and Parson Tuck adrift on the mightyColorado on a boat that's sinking fast ... rapids ahead,storm brewing ... great stuff, it's your eleven o'clocknumber. But Aaron's music -- it's ... Sasha? A little bit of"In the Same Boat," please?

BOBBYRandy, Harv, help me out here.

GEORGIA, AARON, NIKI & BAMBIIN THE SAME BOATON THE SAME SEASHAKIN' INSIDE AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN' NARY A SHIPNARY A SAILNARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZONOH, HOW WE LONG TO STAND STILLSTOMACHS ARE IN DISTRESSWE NEED A HELPING HAND, STILL NO ONE IS NEARWHO CAN HEAR WHEN WE S.O.S.

CIOFFIYou see what I'm saying? It's just kind of mild-mannered forsuch a big moment in the show --

AARONYou're talking about my song?

GEORGIAOur song.

BELLINGI have said more than once this particular number lacks verve --

GEORGIA(to Aaron)

I think maybe Chris is right --

AARON(angered)

Great, fine, "Aaron Fox, Songs by the Yard" -- I'll try towrite a snappier tune! But you'll be happy to know Georgiaand I have come up with the hit song you wanted.

BELLINGBless you, Aaron.

AARONIt's not my best work but I think Georgia will be greatsinging it and that's what matters.


GEORGIA(quietly stunned)

Aaron, that's so gracious and giving and completely unlikeyou.

BELLINGAh, but I've decided this song is no longer for you, Georgia.It will be sung by you, Niki.

CIOFFIOh this is terrific.

BELLING(taking Niki downstage)

You'll sing it in Act Two, scene three, waiting for Rob Hoodalong the banks of the mighty Colorado River, cheating yourprofile in the direction of the left aisle seat of Row H.

NIKIWhy there?

BELLINGBecause I've just been informed that Daryl Grady of theBoston Globe will be sitting in that seat tomorrow night. Heliked you in his first review and I intend to build up yourpart so he'll like you, and therefore us, even more.

CIOFFIAnd I would like to question everyone who isn't rehearsing inthe Green Room.

(PROTESTS!)

CIOFFI (Continued)Now you know, that's so strange. Why do you all object?

BELLINGBecause we have so much work to do!

CIOFFINo, you don't understand. I'm asking, why do ALL of youalways object in unison as if you're all of one mind? Sointeresting. Well, I'll find out, one way or another.Everyone, follow me down to the Green Room, please.

(As the COMPANY EXITS, BELLING hasan impromptu thought.)

BELLINGJohnny, leave Niki in Light Cue Five for the moment ...

(LIGHTING SHIFT, MUSICAL INTRO.)


SCENE 5

Simultaneously on THE COLONIAL STAGE and in THE GREEN ROOM

(NIKI performs the song while CIOFFIinterrogates in the Green Room.)

NIKI(Reading from music, SHE sings:)

I'VE GOT A QUESTIONA SIMPLE QUESTION --

CIOFFI-- a question or two for everyone in the cast, and honestywill prove to be the best policy.

NIKIPLEASE ANSWER NOW --

MY WAND'RIN' WRANGLER,WHERE WERE YOU?

CIOFFIWhere were each of you at the time of the murder?

NIKIYOU NEVER MADE A SOUND.

CIOFFIAnd none of you heard anything suspicious?

NIKIA LONE COYOTEECHOED "WHERE WERE YOU ..." [extra bar needed here]

CIOFFICarmen, Oscar, Aaron, Georgia, you say you were together,watching the show from the back of the theatre ...

NIKIYOU WARNT NO PLACE TO BE FOUND!

CIOFFI... while your director was taking a walk at the time thatJessica was poisoned?

NIKIYOU WENT AND HID YOUR HIDE FROM ME

CIOFFIBobby, why have you been hiding your back injury?

NIKINOW HONEY LAMB, DON'T LIE!


CIOFFIDon't lie to me Oscar about your great passion for thetheatre ...

NIKIYOU'D BETTER TELL ME TRUEEXACTLY WHERE WERE YOU?

CIOFFIJohnny was watching the cast from the wings -- but who waswatching Johnny?

NIKIOR ELSE GOODBYE.

CIOFFIYou all bid goodbye to big bucks on Broadway for the dubiouspleasure of working for beans in Boston?

NIKISO THINK ABOUT ITTAKE YOUR TIME ...

CIOFFITime is working against us.

NIKINOW DARLIN' PLEASEDON'T LIE ...

CIOFFILies, all lies! A distinguished director abandons JohnGielgud to coach a fading film star he hates?

NIKIAND TELL ME, WHEREWERE YOU?

CIOFFIAnd where were you?

NIKIEXACTLY WHERE WEREYOU?

CIOFFIAnd you?

NIKIOR YOU MIGHT WONDER

CIOFFI(musing)

I wonder.

NIKIWHERE AM I?

CIOFFII learn you're all workingfor minimum wage with astar you all loathe in amusical you can't wait toquit --

NIKIYOU

CIOFFIYou think I believe you?


NIKIMIGHT WONDER

CIOFFII can only wonder ...

NIKIWHERE ...

CIOFFI... where would you getsuch an idea?

NIKIAM

CIOFFIAm I crazy? Someone tellme ..

NIKI(simultaneouslywith Cioffi:)

I.....!

CIOFFI(sings, simul-taneously)

WHY.....!

(COMPANY applauds NIKI.)

BELLINGJohnny: the final scene of Act One from the final bars in thebar at the Bar B Bar Saloon!

(COMPANY PROTESTS!)

HARVFor crying out loud, Chris, the Lieutenant has been grillingus for hours and we're dead on our feet!

BELLINGI must block the end of Act One. Then we'll call it a night.

AARONHey Georgia, I hear Bobby has restaged your curtain number sothat now it's all about you coming on to him.

GEORGIAMaybe now it is. Your music said "Vamp til ready" and Bobbydecided I'm ready.

AARONHe's lucky he doesn't have an understudy. It's the onlyreason I haven't killed him yet.

(THE SET has changed to an opulentWestern gambling saloon. THE CASTenters in Wild West outfits, thewoman all SALOON HALL GIRLS. CARMENhas joined AARON and OSCAR.)

BELLINGCarmen, you look as pale as an albino mime.

CARMENWell, this is the first run-through of Georgia's bigproduction number. If she's no good, we're dead. I feel ...


BELLINGLike a condemned prisoner on the gallows?

CARMENYeah, how'd you know?

BELLINGBecause you're standing on a trap door.

CARMENJesus! Thanks for the warning.

(stepping back)I tell you, Chris, it's this Niki Harris who's the realdiscovery here. I'm thinking we should give Georgia's part toNiki when we go to Broadway.

BELLINGLet's worry about Boston first.

(to Company)All right, people! No matter what happens, I want to get tothe Act One curtain without stopping for any --

CIOFFIOne minute, please!

(CIOFFI is carrying a BRIEFCASE.)

BELLINGOh for pity's sake, Lieutenant, I beseech you to let mefinish this run-through.

CIOFFII promise I'll only take a second.

(to cast)I've interviewed all of you now, and although you seem to bereally nice people, I'm afraid my men have turned up a verycompromising document concerning one of you.

(He flourishes the briefcase)So when you've finished this number, please stay where youare. I have some questions to ask a certain cast member, andI may need the rest of you to --

(to Belling)By the way, which number are you rehearsing?

BELLINGThe finale for Act One. It's the first time Georgia hasperformed it with the full cast.

JOHNNYLieutenant, a phone call from some insurance company in NewYork.

CIOFFII better stow this bag.


(CIOFFI opens the lid of an uprightpiano in the saloon and puts thebriefcase in it.)

CIOFFI (Continued)You'll keep an eye on it for me, Chris?

BELLINGVery well. Sasha: giddyup.

(CIOFFI EXITS.)

MALE PATRONSWe want Marian! Ma-dam Marian!! We want Marian!!! Ma-dam --

GEORGIA (as Madam Marian)"Hello cowpokes! Have you seen the tops of my stockings? Onesays Merry Christmas ... the other says Happy New Year. Whowants to spend some time with me In Between The Holidays?

(UPROAR!)

RANDY(drunken COWBOY)

Sing the song that got you driven out of Topeka on a handrail, honey!

GEORGIA(playing to Bobby)

I'm singin' this one for my man, Rob Hood!

GEORGIA (Continued)I CAN TELL WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.IT'LL MELT YOU IF YOU LET IT.. SO HERE IS MY ADVICE TO YOU IN JUST TWO WORDS... FORGET IT!I'VE GOT SOME SWEET HIPS, RIGHT? I'VE GOT TWO HOT LIPS,RIGHT? YOU WANT TO TOUCH THEM? YOU WANT TO KISS THEM? DON'TEVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

I'VE GOT A NICE RUMP, RIGHT?IT'S MAKES A NICE BUMP, RIGHT?YOU WANT TO PINCH IT? YOU WANT TO SQUEEZE IT? DON'T EVENTHINK ABOUT IT!

YOU COULD NEVER KEEP MEUNDER YOUR CONTROL. YOU COULD NEVER TOUCH MEEVEN WITH A TEN FOOT POLE(IN CASE YOU'VE GOT A TEN FOOT POLE).THINK OF YOUR BRONCOS. WHOA! THINK OF THOSE HEIFFERS. NO!

(MORE)


GEORGIA (Continued)THEY DON'T EXCITE YOU, SOYOU MUST BE THINKINGWHAT I THINK YOUR THINKINGAND IF THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE THINKINGDON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

(DANCE BREAK.)

I ENJOY MY FREEDOMEVEN THOUGH I TEASE.YOU CAN'T WIN ME OVEREVEN DOWN ON BENDED KNEES(THOUGH YOU'D LOOK GOOD ON BENDED KNEES).

THINK OF YOUR SWEETHEARTS.

MENNO!

GEORGIAHOW 'BOUT YOUR GRANDMAS?

MENNO!

GEORGIATHINK OF YOUR SISTERS.

MENNO!

GEORGIA

HOW 'BOUT YOUR BUNKMATES?

MENNO!

GEORGIATHEY DON'T EXCITE YOU, SO I HATE TO BE UNKIND ...BUT I THINK YOU'RE THINKINGWHAT I THINK YOU'RE THINKING.AND IF THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, COWBOYDON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

MENWE ALWAYS THINK ABOUT IT!

GEORGIATRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT!

MENCAN'T HELP BUT THINK ABOUT IT!


GEORGIADOES IT HURT WHEN YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IT?

MENYEP, IT'S HARD WHEN WE'RE THINKING ABOUT IT!

GEORGIAWELL, IT'S WRONG TO KEEP THINKING ABOUT IT!

MENBUT THIS SONG KEEPS US THINKING ABOUT IT!

GEORGIAGET ME OFF ...

MENIT'S TOO LATE 'CAUSE YOU'RE ON MY ...

GEORGIAYOUR ...

GEORGIA AND MENMIND!

BELLINGAll right, I want to set our pose for the curtain so --

(ALL LIGHTS ON STAGE GO OUT. ACOMMOTION ... then:)

CIOFFILights!

(THE LIGHTS COME UP, and most of theCOMPANY are frozen, grouped aroundthe fake piano, which has been tornopen. Much of the cast has CIOFFI'sbriefcase. SASHA is frozen as iftrying to climb out of the pit.)

CIOFFI (Continued)As I thought. As you were. There's nothing in the briefcase,by the way. I talk with all of you, make a few phone calls,and what do I come up with? A film star named JessicaCranshaw working for scale in an open-ended Broadway run.

(indicating Belling)A distinguished director who despises his leading lady butslaves to make the show work all the same.

(indicating Bobby)An award-winning choreographer who performs against theorders of his orthopedic surgeon.

(MORE)


CIOFFI (Continued)(indicates Oscar)

A one-man-bank named Oscar Shapiro, who despite having noprior interest in theatre, sinks one payment after anotherinto this musical.

(indicates the Cast)A Company that can't help but celebrate when their show istorn to ribbons by the critics, because you think this meansyou are at long last free to take better jobs back onBroadway.

(to Carmen)What does this mean to me? That Sid Bernstein has beenblackmailing every member of this company into working onthis show!

(UPROAR; looks at the FEMALE ENSEMBLE)Even you dancers?

JAN(hesitantly)

All of us have ... worked for Sidney before. I guess we'd allprefer that our husbands and boyfriends don't know how we gotour first job in a Sid Bernstein production.

CIOFFI(to Male Dancers)

And what about you chorus boys? You all seem like clean-cutfellows -- I mean, what could all of you have possibly donethat you wouldn't want the folks back home to know?

(Awkward beat. Then:)

RANDY, JOHNNY, HARV(overlapping in their most butch voice:)

Sure beats me, pal! / What do you mean, big guy? / Hey, thatchick sure has a big rack of knockers!

CIOFFILook, I'm not here to uncover all your dark secrets ... only the one that might have some connection to the death ofJessica Cranshaw. Normally I'm handed a murder victim and I have to eliminate all the wrong suspects. Here I've beenhanded all the right suspects but have the wrong victim!Logically, it ought to be Sidney Bernstein on a slab in themorgue right now, not Jessica Cranshaw.

CARMENListen folks, I had no idea this was how Sidney got you towork so cheap. I handle the creative end, he handles thebooks. The buck stops with him.

CIOFFIAnd he's going to pay for this. You're all still murdersuspects, but at least you won't be blackmailed any more.

(MORE)


CIOFFI (Continued)(HAPPY CRIES from the CAST)

Now get to work! You may have joined this show for the wrongreasons, but you're going to press on ... because Oscardeserves a return on his investment

OSCARThank you.

CIOFFI... and the best way for me to solve Jessica's murder is tokeep the heat turned up on all of you in this pressure cookerof a theatre ... and lastly ... because this could be aREALLY GOOD SHOW! Take it, Chris.

BELLINGVery good, let's have the last four bars!

BOBBYFive, six, seven, eight!

GEORGIA & COMPANY(sing:)

GET ME OFF YOUR MIND!

BELLINGAnd Freeze in that position, and curtain!

(The curtain doesn't drop.)

BELLING (Continued)Why is there no curtain?

JOHNNY (OVER P.A.)We're having a little trouble with it.

BELLINGI want it down, now!

JOHNNY (OVER P.A.)How's this?

(The CURTAIN drops slowly -- but arope behind a long gambling tableupstage rises faster than thecurtain descends.

In a noose at the end of the ropeis SIDNEY BERNSTEIN, his face blue,his arms and legs flailing horriblyas he rises toward the fly loft.THE CURTAIN finishes its fall, withCIOFFI and BELLING in front of it.)


BELLINGDid you see something go up as the curtain went down?

CIOFFIMy god! Raise the curtain, quick!

JOHNNYCurtain!

(THE CURTAIN rises and BERNSTEIN,still flailing, descends.)

BELLINGJohnny, don't lower the CURTAIN!

JOHNNY (OVER P.A.)(misunderstanding)

Curtain!

(THE CURTAIN again descends andBERNSTEIN again rises toward theflies.)

BELLINGNo, raise the curtain!

JOHNNYCurtain!

(The CURTAIN RISES again, fast, butthis time BERNSTEIN's body stayshanging at the top of the stage.His arms are limp.)

JOHNNY (Continued)I think we fixed the curtain!

CIOFFIYou better make it a blackout.

BLACKOUT

END OF ACT 1


ACT 2

SCENE 1

THE NEXT DAY. The Curtain is down. From a distance wehear:

COMPANYOOOOOOOOOOO!OOOOOOOOOOO!

SASHATHE MAN IS DEAD,THE MAN IS DEAD,THIS IS NO JOKE, THE MAN DID CROAKTHE MAN IS DEAD.HE'S BREATHED HIS LAST, HE'S IN THE PAST, HE'S LOST HIS LEASE SO REST IN PEACETHE MAN IS DEAD!

COMPANYOOOOOOOOOOO!OOOOOOOOOOO!OOOOOOOOOOO!OOOOOOOOOOO!


ACT 2

SCENE 2

(THE CURTAIN RISES on THE COMPANY,who are bunking down on stage invarious states of undress. But whocan sleep when a murderer is on theloose? A CHOREOGRAPHED PRODUCTIONNUMBER with the cast creepingabout, flashlights in hand, castingeerie, criss-crossing shadowsaround the stage and scaring eachother half to death as they VOICEtheir suspicions. It's all veryNick and Nora, Hardy Boys and NancyDrew, Abbott and Costello, Mastersand Johnson.)

GEORGIAYou can't sleep either, huh?

BOBBYEvery time I close my eyes, I see that rope around Sidney'sneck, his features twisted, his lips drooling, his mouth wideopen --

GEORGIAYou got any chewing gum?

BOBBY(matter of fact)

Fresh out. Look, isn't that our director sneaking around?

GEORGIAMurder is a very British thing, isn't it? I mean, it's almostlike a hobby over there.

BOBBYYeah, if I had to bet, I'd say he did it.

(THE COMPANY is caught in a newlight and realizes:)

GROUP AAH ... HE DID IT, HE DID IT, HE DID IT, HE DID IT HE DID IT, HE DID IT, I'M SUREALTHOUGH HE APPEARS WITH A POSTURE THAT'S PIOUSHIS PRINCIPLES HARDLY ARE PURE.IT ISN'T A STRETCH TO BELIEVE ITTHAT MURDEROUS MOTIVE WAS HISHE DID IT, HE DID IT, HE DID ITTHEN HID IT, AND NOW HE IS OFF TO A PRIS ...... ON!


AARONYou think it was Bambi?

NIKINo, Aaron! I don't think it's possible that Bambi would killher own father -- ??

AARONStep-father. Maybe he was blackmailing her because he thoughtshe'd killed Jessica.

NIKIWhy would she do that?

AARONSo you'd take over the lead and Bambi would get your part.

NIKIOh how silly, she should have just killed me.

(beat)I never said that.

AARONShe's a tough cookie with everybody but her mother. I bet shedid it.

GROUP BAH ...SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, I KNOW.SHE HIT HIM AND HUNG HIM AND AFTER SHE'D STRUNG HIMHE SWUNG LIKE A YO-YO HIGH-LOW.THE FACTS ARE NOT REALLY SURPRISINGHER MORALS ARE PROBABLY LOOSESHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID ITTHEN HID IT, AND NOW SHE IS OFF TO THE HOOSE ...... GOW!

OSCARHey Mr. Director, you got any casting suggestions for thetitle role of whodunit?

BELLINGAaron and Georgia might make an interestingly murderous duo.Song-writing teams are conspiratorial by nature, huddling,whispering, plotting how to undo the director ... and they'reall quite, quite mad. Yes, I could easily believe that theydid it.

GROUP CAHA, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT,I'VE WORKED WITH THOSE LOSERS BEFORE!THEY WENT RIGHT AHEAD AND THEY SLAUGHTERED TWO PEOPLETHE SAME WAY THEY SLAUGHTERED THE SCORE.

(MORE)


GROUP C (Continued)WELL, THIS IS THE END OF THEIR OUTPUT.THEIR FUTURE IS NOT WORTH A THINGTHEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT THEN HID IT, AND SOON THEY'LL BE GOING TO SING ...... SING!

GROUPS A, B, & C(EACH repeats their chorus contrapuntally)

HE [SHE] [THEY] DID IT ...HE [SHE] [THEY] DID IT ...[Etc.]

(At the end:)... -SING! -SON! -GOW!

OSCAR(to Belling)

Well, whoever killed Jessica and Sidney deserves both theelectric chair and my deepest gratitude. He's made us a frontpage story -- the best advertising my money didn't have tobuy.

CIOFFIGood afternoon, folks.

BELLINGAh, welcome back Lieutenant to your marathon production of NoExit.

CIOFFII've just come from the coroner and thought you'd all want toknow that Sidney Bernstein's demise has been pronounced"death by asphyxiation." His neck getting broken at the veryend didn't help much either.

BELLINGNonetheless, I suppose one of us ought to drive a stakethrough his heart, just to be safe.

GEORGIAChris, not in front of his widow!

(to Carmen)How are you holding up, Carmen?

CARMEN(looks up)

You all sent out for sandwiches and nobody thought to tellme?

GEORGIAWell let's at least be considerate of his daughter.


BAMBIStep-daughter. And even though I was his very own step-fleshand step-blood, I never got a single break from him I didn'tearn twice over. He was the father I never had -- literally.

BOBBYI guess we all thought about strangling him one time oranother.

OSCARAt least everybody has an alibi. All of us were standing onthe stage when Bernstein got the old heave-ho.

CIOFFII'm afraid that gets no one off the hook. The coroner'soffice found a grapefruit-sized bump on Bernstein's head. Itwouldn't have been there if he'd been struck after he wasdead.

OSCARHow's that?

CIOFFICorpses don't bruise.

OSCARYou learn something new every day.

CIOFFISomeone bashed him over the head, unhooked a rope from acounterweight sandbag -- like that one over there -- andwrapped it around Bernstein's neck, knowing that when thecurtain went down, the rope would finish the job if he wasn'tdead already. Being hoisted up in the air must have causedhim to regain consciousness.

AARONHe woke up just in time to die, huh?

GEORGIAMy god, that's horrible.

CIOFFISo you see, he could have been killed by any person who hadaccess to this stage. Such as Johnny.

JOHNNYOh, gosh, I don't want any special treatment.

CIOFFIWe found a copy of "Variety" with words cut out of it in thestage manager's office. A room you keep under lock and key.

JOHNNYChris and Oscar have keys as well.


CIOFFIThen it seems like you three gentlemen get to be my firstofficial murder suspects.

BELLINGWell it's an honor just to be nominated.

CIOFFI(to Company)

But keep in mind, you're all under suspicion. I found thislittle black book in Bernstein's breast pocket, containingall your names alongside his personal secret code. Obviouslybecause each one of you was being blackmailed.

NIKINo!

(As all look at her.)Meaning "No, I wasn't being blackmailed" but also meaning,"No! I've just found more death threats."

(bringing her script to Cioffi)This time addressed to Sidney Bernstein.[]

CIOFFIYes, I suspected we'd turn up another death threat, since the"Variety" we found in Johnny's office was missing differentwords than the ones sent to the late Miss Cranshaw.

NIKIBut why would the killer put death threats intended for Mr.Bernstein in my script?

CIOFFIThat's such a good question, Miss Harris. I think -- I thinkthe killer wants me to see these notes ... and picked you todeliver them because you've already proven yourself to bereliable, and trustworthy, and ... just so very nice.

NIKIWell thanks.

(long beat.)The death threats?

CIOFFIDeath threats. Of course.

(reads:)"Dear Sidney: close the show or I'll drop the curtain onyou."

OSCAROh my god! Sid Bernstein died for nothing. He told me that he was gonna close the show.

CIOFFIWhen?


OSCARIn his office just before he got himself hoisted. He saidsomebody had made him change his mind about keeping Robbin'Hood open and told me to save my money for his next Bostonshow. Last time I saw him, he was going upstairs to tell youthe news, Carmen.

CARMENAnd somebody killed him before he got to me. Gee, that's sostrange. It wasn't like my late husband to get cold feet,although he sure has them now. Hey, wouldn't it be funny ifsomeone had been blackmailing him?

OSCARHilarious, but he really did change his mind, Carmen. He gaveme back the very last check I'd written him, see?

CARMEN(takes the check)

Thanks, we'll be needing that 'cause I'm not changing my mindfor anything. Come on, Oscar, let's figure how we spend this.

OSCAROh good.

(THEY EXIT as NIKI sees CIOFFI lostin thought.)

NIKILieutenant? What's the matter?

CIOFFIIt's been troubling me since yesterday. I just don't -- Imean, why is it that Bobby --

BOBBYWhat.

CIOFFII mean, of all the people on this stage, you --

BOBBYAll right, Lieutenant, spit it out.

CIOFFIYou ought to be in the Fort Wilderness Square Dance number.

BOBBYBeg pardon?

CIOFFIYou'd stop the show. After all, we know Rob Hood is going tobe at the sharpshooting contest the next day, wouldn't you goto the big hoedown in disguise?


AARONInteresting you say that.

GEORGIAIt's what we had in mind, but Jessica couldn't handle thestaging --

BELLINGBut we no longer have that little problem. Bobby, can youimprovise a short turn for yourself in time for tonight?

BOBBYSure, but I don't know if I'll be able to make the costumechange for the next scene.

CIOFFIWell, for gosh sakes, Bobby, it's just losing a moustache andputting on the hood, would it kill you to try?

BOBBYAround here these days, maybe.

CIOFFII'll watch from out front.

BELLINGWe'll time it out now, just improvise a little something --Johnny, the Fort Wilderness square dance number!

JOHNNY(yelling)

The Fort Wilderness square dance number!

BELLINGWell I can do that.

CIOFFII'm going to watch from the house.

BOBBYBambi, as long as we're rehearsing the number, why don't youput in that little comedy bit you came up with for yourself?

BAMBIBobby, I'm so moved and touched and grateful.

BOBBYActually, this was Aaron's idea.

BAMBIAaron, I'm so grateful and touched and moved.

GEORGIAAaron: just when did this idea first originate in your groin?

BAMBIOh please, Georgia. Aaron has not tried anything with me.

(flirtatiously to Aaron)Not, of course, that I would mind.


GEORGIANot, of course, that you have one.

BAMBI(to ALL)

Everyone, oh thank you, I'm grateful and moved --

GEORGIAAnd definitely touched.

BOBBYCome on, Bambi, we'll work in the change.

(BAMBI and BOBBY Exit.)

BELLINGJohnny, get the cast back out here, there's only a few hoursbefore we're going to be --

GRADY-- reevaluated, reappraised, and re-reviewed by Daryl Gradyof the Boston Globe.

(DARYL GRADY has entered.)

BELLINGYou're Daryl Grady? Not what I expected, but then, I've neveractually seen a picture of you.

GRADYAnonymity is part of a critic's repertoire.

CARMENHello, Mr. Grady. Like to get to the theatre early, do you?

BELLINGI know I shouldn't bite the hand that slaps me, but it's,it's unethical for you to review our rehearsal --

GRADYNo, no, you forget I report on theatre as well as review it.Your show is news and I'll be interviewing members of your company down in the Green Room -- with your permission, Mrs.Bernstein.

OSCARMore free publicity, Carmen.

CARMENYeah, okay. My late husband would have killed himself to getthis much press, if somebody in this show hadn't killed himfirst. The Green Room is yours, Grady.

(BOBBY returns.)


BELLINGAll right everyone Kansasland. Sasha... yee haw.

RANDY (as Parson Tuck)AN ANGRY MEAN OLD YELLER DOG DRESSED UP LIKE DANIEL BOONE,A BANDAGE ROUND HIS FRONT RIGHT LEG,HE WALKS IN THE SALOON."I DON'T WANT WHISKEY," SAYS THE DOG,"I AIM TO MIND THE LAW.I ONLY CAME TO TOWN TO FINDTHE MAN WHO SHOT MY PAW!"

COMPANYIN KANSASLAND,THE EARTH IS MIGHTY FLAT!SO IN KANSASLAND,YOU CAN ALWAYS SEE JUST WHERE YOU'RE AT!IN KANSASLAND,EVERYBODY'S CLOSE TO GOD!SO IN KANSASLAND,IT JUST DON'T PAY TO BE TOO ODD!Yee Haw!

RANDY (as Parson Tuck)IN TOMBSTONE, OLD DOC HOLIDAY, MADE HOUSECALLS TO THIS GAL WHO WORKED AT A BORDELLO CALLED "THE IT'S OKAY CORRAL" DOC SET HER UP WITH WYATT EARP,BUT SHE WAS NOT IMPRESSED.SHE SAID, "TOO BAD HE'S GOT THE FASTEST PISTOL IN THE WEST."

COMPANYIN KANSASLAND,WHERE THE PRAIRIE MEETS THE SKY!IN KANSASLAND,AIN'T NO FINER PLACE TO LIVE AND DIETHAN KANSASLAND,WHERE YOUR HOME IS ON THE RANGEBUT IN KANSASLAND,IT AIN'T TOO SMART TO BE TOO STRANGE! Yee Haw!

(BAMBI has a sparkling comedy solobit in the number, a real stand-outmoment for her, causing even CARMENto beam with parental pride. BOBBYthen breaks into a SOLO DANCE.Dancers leap crisscross behind himas he, too, leaps -- SUDDENLY AGUNSHOT RINGS OUT. BOBBY stumblesand falls to the ground.)


CIOFFIStep back! I've got men posted at all the exits, so nobody'sgetting out, including whoever fired that shot. Bobby ...

BOBBYHey, I'm bleeding.

CIOFFI(examines Bobby's arm)

Looks like it's just a crease wound. Did anyone see anybodyfire a weapon?

BAMBIWait a minute, aren't we all sitting ducks here?

CIOFFIThere are two types of murderers: those who just want to killsomebody and those who want to get away with it. Whoever shotBobby has had plenty of time to fire again if all he wantedto do was kill Bobby. They obviously took their best shot andran ... unless of course it was you, Sasha.

SASHAI'm having baton in my right hand, my left is turning thepages of the score every few seconds. You try shooting amoving target that way.

CIOFFI"A moving target." Good point, Maestro.

(helping BOBBY to his feet.)Bobby, how many people knew you'd be leaping when you did?

BOBBYWell, nobody. I was ad-libbing, remember?

CIOFFISo it would be a tall order for someone to shoot you in mid-air. Unless ... you weren't the person they were trying toshoot. Everybody, go back to exactly where were you whenBobby jumped.

(CIOFFI steps over to the two MENcarrying a prop Canoe.)

CIOFFI (Continued)Guys, the canoe was about there when the shot rang out?

HARVThat's right ...

CIOFFIUh-huh. And here's where the bullet entered ... it's justbalsa wood, whoever fired the gun probably knew he couldshoot right through it ...


HARVOh my god, we could have been killed!

CIOFFIAnd here's where it exited. Johnny, hand me one of thoseyellow streamers. See, with the two bullet holes, we shouldbe able to determine ... just by threading the streamerthrough this hole and the one on the other side ... yup,there you go.

BOBBYFancy shooting.

CIOFFIToo damn fancy. Bobby, you jumped into the bullet's path, butit continued past you ... so that it was really fired at adancer such as ...

(walks forward, faces Harv)You. Why aren't you wounded?

HARVI am, deep down, but I put up a good front.

(nods at Male Dancer behind him.)You can ask him why.

CIOFFIAre you usually standing here at this point in the number?

HARVNo, when Bobby jumped, I moved here to give him room.

CIOFFIOh. So you weren't the target either. So the bullet must havebeen aimed at ...

(walks forward)you, Niki.

NIKII'm planted right here throughout the number. I guess thatmeans the bullet was meant for me.

CIOFFIOh thank God.

NIKIWhat do you mean?

CIOFFIWell, you couldn't very well have shot at yourself, right? SoI can rule you out as the killer.

NIKIYou hadn't ruled me out already, Lieutenant?


CIOFFI(searching the scenery behind her)

But ... where's the bullet? It grazed Bobby and then -- Waita second. Bobby, you're holding that handkerchief againstyour left arm.

BOBBYWell, it's bleeding.

CIOFFIBut that's impossible. If the shot came from out there,

(indicates the audience)and through the canoe, and you were leaping with your rightside to the audience, there's no way the bullet could grazethe left side of your left arm.

(He looks at the TRAPPER MEN holding the canoe.)Guys? Why are those straps hanging down from the canoe?

RUSSELLOh, I guess we're holding it upside down.

CIOFFI"You're holding it upside down." Please put it the way it'ssupposed to go.

(They invert the canoe.)

CIOFFI (Continued)There. So it's exactly the opposite, the bullet was firedfrom upstage left, grazed Bobby and went through the canoe,on its way to ... you, Carmen.

CARMENMe.

CIOFFI(examining the proscenium)

Yup, and here's the bullet, in the proscenium.

CARMENBut that would mean -- that the shot was fired ...

CIOFFI... by someone on this stage or just behind that scenery upthere. Chris, Aaron, Johnny, Oscar, was anyone with you whenyou heard the shot?

BELLING & OSCAR & AARON & JOHNNYI doubt it. / Nah. / No such luck. / 'Fraid not.

CIOFFISo the only people who couldn't have fired the shot areCarmen and Sasha, because you're both downstage of Bobby.

(MORE)


CIOFFI (Continued)(to Belling)

And by the way, don't you think Bobby should play his dancemuch further downstage?

BELLINGI was planning to have the same idea.

CIOFFI(to Cast)

Well, I'm afraid we'll have to search all of you ...

(LOUD PROTESTS)

NIKIThere won't be any need for that!

(NIKI is holding a gun.)

BAMBIShe did it!

COMPANY(instantly singing with orchestra)

SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT,SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT,OUR NIKI IS TRICKY AND --

CIOFFIPlease stop that.

(cautiously)Niki? What are you doing with that gun?

NIKII found it behind this barrel. It's an automatic, so I guessit can't be a prop in our western story.

(laughs)At least I won't be leaving my fingerprints on the evidencethis time: there's tape wrapped around the handle and theuhm --

(The GUN EXPLODES.)

NIKI (Continued)-- trigger. Gosh, I might have killed you, Frank.

CIOFFIHand me the gun very slowly, Niki.

CARMENWell I have something to say to whichever one of you tried toknock me off. KNOCK IT OFF! And let me warn you: this castwill not stand by while someone tries to murder me!

(Beat.)


RANDYYou know we're way overdue for a break, Chris.

BELLINGQuite right, give them a ten, Johnny.

JOHNNYWe're on a ten, everyone.

BELLINGWell I can do that.

(THE COMPANY greets this withdelight and quickly EXITS.)

CARMENCioffi, you're gonna protect me, right? There's already beentwo murders committed on this stage.

BELLINGThree if you count the integrity of musical theatre.

CIOFFIYou couldn't be surrounded by more police than you are at themoment, Mrs. Bernstein. And if the killer does strike, restassured he'll pay the full penalty of the law.

CARMENPlease tell me that's not Plan A.

BAMBICome on, mother. You need to get something to eat.

(sees her hesitate)If you're nervous, I'll taste your food for you.

CARMENYou have no taste, Elaine. I've seen your make-up, yourcloset and your boyfriends. And I've seen a couple of yourboyfriends in the closet with your makeup.

BAMBIYou never have a good word to say about me, do you?Especially in public. I thought I did pretty good in thatlast number.

CARMENYou were okay, which you ought to be considering the fifteenyears of singing, dancing, and acting lessons I paid for.Buying dancing lessons for you was like buying gloves forCaptain Hook.

CIOFFIUhm, maybe I should leave --


CARMENNo, you have dreams of being in the theatre, you should hearthis, too. Elaine, I may be your mother, but as a Broadwayproducer, there's something even more important to me thangetting you a star turn.

BAMBIWhat.

CARMENMe turning a profit.

(SHE sings)I'VE NEVER BEEN KNOWN AS ONE OF THOSE STUPID CLUCKS,ELAINE...

BAMBIBambi --

CARMENWHO PISSES AWAY A LOT OF HER HARD-EARNED BUCKS, ELAINE ...

BAMBIBambi!

CARMENBUT FACING THE FACT YOUR COLORATURA SUCKS -- BAMBI!THOUGH IT BREAKS YOUR MOTHER'S HEARTFORGET ABOUT THE PARTIT'S TIME FOR YOU TO KNOWWHY I REALLY BACKED THIS SHOW

YOU ASK ME FOR MY MOTIVESWELL, YOU NEEDN'T BE SO SMARTIT'S A BUSINESS!IT ISN'T MAKING HISTORYIT ISN'T MAKING ARTIT'S A BUSINESS!

SHAW AND IBSENTAKE 'EM AWAYAND DON'T BOTHER ME WITH MOLIERETHOSE RUSSIANS NEVER PAY

SO, GO ON, CRITICIZE MEPLEASE PROCEED WITH YOUR ATTACKIT'S A BUSINESS!I PUT ONE MILLION INAND I EXPECT TWO MILLION BACKIT'S A BUSINESS!SO WHAT CRIME HAVE I COMMITTED?IF I'M PUTTING UP A FIGHTIT'S A BUSINESS!

(MORE)


CARMEN (Continued)AND I WANT THOSE PAYING SUCKERS OUT THEREGIVING ME THE BUSINESS EVERY NIGHT!Am I getting through, Elaine?

BAMBII'm sorry, mother, but as far as I'm concerned the theater isa temple.

CARMENWhat does that mean? It should only be filled on shabbas?!Wise up, Elaine!

CARMEN (Continued)(to BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY and OSCAR, who have entered)

Give me a hand, fellas --(THEY give her half-hearted applause)

You know what I mean! Back me up!THE NATIONAL ENDOWMENT DOESN'T NEED TO TURN A BUCKTHAT'S NOT BUSINESS!

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARTHAT'S NOT BUSINESS!

CARMENSO, GIVE THEM "LYSISTRATA"AND I WISH THEM LOTS OF LUCKI DO BUSINESS!

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARSHE DOES BUSINESS!

CARMENGORKY, SHMORKYMONEY MISSPENTYOU WON'T SURVIVE YOM KIPPURAND YOU'LL NEVER GET THROUGH LENT

I ONCE KNEW A PRODUCERWHOSE PRETENSION KNEW NO BOUNDSIN THE BUSINESS!

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARIN THE BUSINESS!

CARMENHE MOUNTED SAMUEL BECKETTI DON'T MEAN IT LIKE IT SOUNDSIT WAS BUSINESS!

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARIT WAS BUSINESS!


CARMENSO, NOW HE'S DOWN THE CRAPPERWHILE I'M WORKING IN MY PRIMEIT'S A BUSINESS ...

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARIT'S A BUSINESS ...

CARMENAND THE SHOWS I DO DO BUSINESS'CAUSE I REALLY KNOW MY BUSINESSAND I'M GIVING THEM THE BUSINESS, HONEY, ALL THE TIME!

(indicates the CHORUS)Look at them, Elaine -- they know what side their tap shoesare buttered on! TO STAGEHANDS, TO THE DRESSERSTO MUSICIANS IN THE PITIT'S A BUSINESS!

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARIT'S A BUSINESS!

CARMENTHE OWNER OF THESE PREMISESCLEANS UP IF WE'RE A HITHE'S IN BUSINESS!

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARHE'S IN BUSINESS!

CARMENUNION MEMBERSDON'T WORK FOR FREEHEY, HARRY, ON THE SPOTLIGHT!BLINK TWICE IF YOU AGREE!

(As the SPOTLIGHT blinks twice)SEE?

I'M NOT DEVOID OF CULTUREBUT MY FEET ARE ON THE FLOORIT'S A BUSINESS!

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARIT'S A BUSINESS!

CARMENI'D DO "THE KAMA SUTRA"WITH A BOCK & HARNICK SCORETHAT'S GOOD BUSINESS!

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARTHAT'S GOOD BUSINESS!


CARMENYES, GREEN'S MY FAVORITE COLORAND I DON'T MEAN ON THE GRASSIT'S A BUSINESS ...

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARIT'S A BUSINESS ...

CARMENAND THE SHOWS I DO DO BUSINESSYES, I'M GOOD AT DOING BUSINESSAND IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY BUSINESS, SWEETIEBLOW IT OUT YOUR --

BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCARBUSINESS!

IT'S A BUSINESS!IT'S A BUSINESS!

CARMENAnd it's strictly business when I say you're not starmaterial, Elaine -- even if as your mother it pains me to sayit. You'll never be more than a chorus girl, that's myopinion and I don't care who knows it.

BAMBISeems like you want everyone to know it.

CIOFFIMrs. Bernstein, [aren't you being unduly harsh.]

CARMENShe volunteered for this life, dyed her hair, changed hername ...

(to BAMBI)Why of all the names on earth did you pick "Bambi"?

BAMBIBecause in the movie, Bambi's mother is shot to death byhunters.

CARMENSomebody just tried to do that to me, sweetheart, and Inotice nobody's ruled out you yet. Come on, Oscar, I got thekeys to the bar in the lobby. I'll buy you a drink.

(CARMEN and OSCAR exit.)

CIOFFIWell, despite what your mother says, you showed me somethingamazing in that Kansasland number.

BAMBILieutenant, I'm so moved and --


CIOFFIOh yes, you were great -- but I was referring to somethingrelated to the murders. Except ... it doesn't make any sense.

GEORGIABambi, I want to say ... that little bit you added in"Kansasland" is terrific.

BAMBIGeorgia --

GEORGIA"Touched, moved, grateful," got it. Listen kiddo, I never sawyou work solo before. Aaron was right about you. And I wasunfair to you both. You have real talent.

BAMBIThanks.

GEORGIADon't pay any attention to what your mother says. At least noone can say you're in this show because of nepotism.

JOHNNYBelieve me, Lieutenant, Bambi isn't the girl in this castwho's used personal connections to help her career.

CIOFFIWhat do you mean by that?

BAMBISounds juicy.

JOHNNYA stage manager is equal parts psychiatrist, Mother Hen andFather Confessor. I consider what anyone in the cast shareswith me to be privileged information.

(sly)Besides, what I know, Lieutenant ... I don't think you wanna.

(JOHNNY leaves with BAMBI.)

CIOFFITalk to the three of you for a minute?

GEORGIA, AARON, BOBBYYes, of course. / Sure thing. / Of course.

GEORGIA, AARON, BOBBY (Continued)Yes, of course. / Sure thing. / Of course.

CIOFFI(produces a small black book)

You remember Bernstein's little black book of blackmail?(MORE)


CIOFFI (Continued)Every member of this cast has something written alongsidetheir name in code, with three noteworthy exceptions: you,you, and you. Going by this book, Bernstein had nothing onyou. Yet despite being proven Broadway veterans, theproduction budget says you're getting the same raw deal asthe rest of the cast. Why are you toiling for pennies wheneach of you could be doing so much better elsewhere?

BOBBYWhat can I tell you, Lieutenant?

CIOFFIWell, you might try the truth, for gosh sakes.

(beat)Nothing, huh? Listen, What I Don't Know might hurt someone,time is not ticking in our favor, and Aaron!

AARONWhat?

CIOFFIFor the love of Mike, where is the rewrite you promised for"In the Same Boat?"

AARON(relieved)

Oh, that? Yeah, it's done.

GEORGIAYou did it without me?

AARONHad to. You've been too busy rehearsing. Bobby and I alreadytaught it to half the cast.

CIOFFI(a bit peeved)

Can I hear it?

AARONSasha! A quick chorus of "In the Same Boat." We made it moreof a he-man number for the Men.

GEORGIAIf you just wrote it, how can you already have parts for theorchestra to play?

AARONI wrote a new melody to fit the old arrangement, since wedon't have time to create new parts by tonight.

GEORGIAVery smart.


BOBBY AND AARONHERE WE ARE, MY SHIPMATES AND MELOST ON A WINDY SEA.

GEORGIAVery butch.

BOBBYALL THE PLANKS ARE SPRINGING A LEAK,

AARONWE'D LIKE TO BAIL

GEORGIABUT WE FORGOT THE PAIL,

BOBBY AND AARONAND WE REGRET TO SAY OUR COMPASS IS GONE,BUT SOMEHOW WE STILL SAIL ON

BOBBY AND GEORGIABECAUSE TWO HEADS

AARONTHREE HEADS!

BOBBY AND GEORGIAARE BEST

BOBBY, AARON, GEORGIAAS SOME FELLA WROTEAND WHAT THE HECK WE'RE IN THE SAME BOAT!

(NIKI has entered during this.)

AARONWell, that's the basic idea, Lieutenant. Obviously, it needsto be put on its feet ... So ...???

(He ponders.)

CIOFFII'm sorry.

(THEY GROAN.)No, believe me, I'd be the first to say if it was miles offthe mark. It's a good try, and, and it does have that, that"vim" we're been looking for, but, there's still somethingjust -- I think you and Georgia, together this time, ought totake another shot at it.

GEORGIA(laughs)

"TAKE ANOTHER SHOT AND I'LL SHOOT YOU ON THE SPOT," right?[]


CIOFFIPardon?

GEORGIAI was quoting one of the death threats sent to mypredecessor. I'm beginning to wish someone would put me outof my misery as well.

CIOFFINow isn't that always the way. Someone plans a murder socleverly and so often what betrays them is the silliestlittle slip. Georgia, I never read that particular deaththreat out loud.

GEORGIASay again?

CIOFFINiki and Jessica Cranshaw are the only cast members who sawit. Other than the person who sent it, of course.

GEORGIAThen I guess Niki told me.

CIOFFII told her not to tell anyone.

NIKII didn't, Frank. I told you I wouldn't so I didn't.

CIOFFIMiss Hendricks, in light of this, I have no choice but totake you downtown and book you on suspicion of murder.

GEORGIA & BOBBY & AARONWhat are you saying? / You're joking. / Hold on a second ...

CIOFFINiki, would you be able to go on tonight?

NIKIOh my gosh, no ...

(But she starts vocal warm-ups withhigh, close-lipped "Hmmm" sounds.)

GEORGIAOh. I get it! You want to give a little boost to yoursweetheart's career.

CIOFFIMy relationship with Niki Harris is purely that of policeinvestigator and possible suspect.


NIKINo it's not.

CIOFFIIt's not?

NIKINo I'm really liking you, Frank.

CIOFFIOh it's reciprocal, I assure you.

NIKII'm glad to hear that.

CIOFFII'm more than glad.

(Beat.)

CIOFFI (Continued)I was doing something.

GEORGIAArresting me for murder!

CIOFFIOf course, yes. Jessica Cranshaw's death --

(to Niki)-- please don't forget what we were saying --

(to Georgia)Jessica's death gave you the chance to star on Broadway andwith Sidney Bernstein planning to close the show here, hisdeath kept that chance alive. Please come with me.

AARONWait a second, Lieutenant. I'm the one you want.

CIOFFIYou're confessing to the murders, Mr. Fox?

AARONI said what I said. That's all I'm saying until I talk to anattorney.

GEORGIAThis is crazy --

AARONHoney, the show can go on without me at this point, but notwithout you. Besides, this is a great thing that's happeningin your life. I can handle spending a night or two in thetank until after you get your rave reviews.

GEORGIAI thought you were dead set against me taking this part.


AARONThat was just me being selfish. I knew if you took overJessica's role, you wouldn't have time to write with me, bewith me. That's how Sidney got me to work for peanuts. It wasthe only way to be near you and around you again ... the twoof us stuck together out of town, huddled over a piano eachnight ... who knows what might have happened?

GEORGIAThat's what Sidney had over me, too, Aaron. I wanted the samething.

AARONYou did?

GEORGIAI do.

AARONBut ... you and Bobby.

GEORGIAForget that. What about you and Bambi?

AARONOh please, there is no me and Bambi. I just genuinely thoughtshe could make our show better.

GEORGIAOur show, Aaron. You said our show.

AARONYeah, our show. Our life. God what was I thinking when I leteverything fall apart. Oh yeah. I wasTHINKING OF METHINKING OF ME LATELY IT'S CLEAR I'VE SPENT EVERY MOMENTOF MY WAKING DAYSTHINKING OF MESHUTTING YOU OUT ...

GEORGIASOMETIMES ...

AARONMAKING YOU WAIT ...

GEORGIASOMETIMES ...

AARONTOO SELF-INVOLVED TO SAY HOW I DO NEED YOUTHOUGH HEAVEN KNOWS HOW DEEPLY I DO


GEORGIALORD ONLY KNOWS HOW DEEPLY I DO

AARONTHINKING OF YOU

THINKING OF ME

HOW I REGRETTHE HOURS WE'VE WASTEDJUST COASTING ALONGTHINKING OF ME

GEORGIATHINKING OF HIM

THINKING OF HIMHOW I REGRETTHE HOURS WE'VE WASTED JUST COASTING ALONG

THINKING OF HIM

AARONONLY OF MEI WAS SO SELFISHI TURNED AWAY SOMEHOW ...

AARON & GEORGIAWELL, ISN'T IT TIME? ISN'T IT HIGH TIMEWE WERE THINKING OF ... US NOW?

GEORGIAWait a second, Cioffi! You know how I knew that particulardeath threat? You showed it to me when you were questioningme! And you were going to charge me with murder!

CIOFFIWell, guess the joke's on me.

NIKIOh Frank. You made a mistake.

AARONUmm, I hereby officially un-confess.

JOHNNYAaron, Chris needs to see you, on the double.

AARONLieutenant I'm excused?

CIOFFIGo.

AARON(to Georgia)

I'll see you downstairs? Partner?

GEORGIAYou betcha, partner.

(AARON exits.)


GEORGIA (Continued)Thank you, Lieutenant. You played your part very effectively.

CIOFFIA treat to share a scene with you. And a fair exchange aswell. You got Aaron to show you his cards, and I got theanswer to why you both came on board with this show.

NIKIYou and Georgia staged all that?

CIOFFIEverything but Aaron's lines. It was actually Georgia's idea.A good one, I thought. Oh, Miss Hendricks, just a politereminder ... you and Aaron are still suspects.

GEORGIA(nods)

Right.

(SHE leaves.)

CIOFFIAnd you've been playing a part as well, haven't you, Bobby?

BOBBYWhat did Georgia tell you?

(laughs)Okay. Yeah, I've been a pretend Casanova for weeks now.Georgia asked me to act like we're still involved, that ourbrief fling a while back was something more than that. Shewas always crazy about Aaron. And give me some credit: Ithink I've been giving the performance of a lifetime.

NIKIFooling Aaron into thinking you still love Georgia.

BOBBYNo. Fooling Georgia that I'm acting.

CIOFFIIt's some sacrifice, doing this show, with all the painyou're in.

BOBBYPain? Yeah. Lots and lots of pain, Lieutenant. But there'snothing I wouldn't do for her.

CIOFFIExcept commit murder?

BOBBYMaybe even that, if she asked me.

(HE leaves.)


NIKIOh Frank. Why does love make so many people feel so bad? Inyour professional experience, is there any weapon moredeadly?

CIOFFIStatistically, crimes of passion outnumber armed robberyeight-to-one.

NIKIThe heart is such an easy target, isn't it? You should warnthe public that Cupid is armed and dangerous.

CIOFFI Maybe romance should be kept strictly in the hands of thepolice.

NIKIIf that meant present company, I'd vote "yes" for thatproposition.

CIOFFIOh Miss Ellis.

NIKIPlease call me Frank. I mean: please call me ... Frank.

CIOFFIMay I be bold?

NIKI(admiration)

Oh I already know you are.

CIOFFII've never believed that whole "Some Enchanted Evening"thing. Until now. The first time I saw you on stage ... therewas a blue wash on the stage and they hit with you with apink special ... and it was --

NIKIIt was just like a musical, huh, Frank?

CIOFFII thought -- Niki, I thought to myself --

(HE sings)YOU AND IWE COULD BEA TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOWCAN'T YOU SEE?

(MORE)


CIOFFI (Continued)SPECIAL PEOPLEDOING SPECIAL THINGSRUNNING RINGS AROUNDANY PAIR, ANYWHERE

YOU AND IWE COULD STAYA TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOWIN EVERY WAYIF YOU HOLD MY HANDAND LET THE MUSIC STARTLET THE CURTAINS PARTLET THE SPOTLIGHT GLOW --

(NIKI has turned away. Now aSPOTLIGHT hits her and SHE beginsdoing a simple time-step)

CIOFFI (Continued)Gosh, I wish I could do that --

NIKIWell, you can, silly! That's why we're in Boston! It'ssimple, really -- just follow me --

(taking his hand)Stomp, hop, slap, step -- slap, step, stamp, stamp --

CIOFFI & NIKIStomp, hop, slap, step -- slap, step, stamp, stamp --

NIKI-- It's called a time-step. Now let's break out --

(Dance)How about a spotlight of your own, Frank?

(Calling to the balcony:)Harry! Put him in pink!

(Spot hits Cioffi)Looking good, Frank! Looking really good!

NIKI & CIOFFI... WE'D BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOWA TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOWI KNOW!

NIKISasha, can you add some more instruments, please?!

CIOFFIOh that sounds great! Would it be asking too much for alittle scenery?

NIKI(Calling Off:)

Johnny! A little scenery, please!


CIOFFIAnd how about a chorus line? I've always wanted to work infront of a chorus line --

NIKICome on in, gang!

(DANCERS Enter)Let's do it, Frank -- let's strut our stuff like there's notomorrow!

ALLYOU AND IWE COULD STAYA TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW IN EVERY WAYIF YOU HOLD MY HANDAND LET THE MUSIC STARTLET THE CURTAINS PARTLET THE SPOTLIGHT GLOW ...

CIOFFI & NIKIWE'D BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOWA TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOWI KNOW!

NIKII said, "It was just like a musical, huh, Frank?"

CIOFFIWhat? Niki -- what were you doing just now?

NIKIOh, it's silly ...

CIOFFINo, go ahead.

NIKII was imagining we were singing and dancing together -- justlike Marge and Gower Champion.

CIOFFISo was I! Isn't that incredible? Both of us having the exactsame fantasy at the exact same time! Marge and GowerChampion! In your fantasy, which one was I?

NIKIGower.

CIOFFIMe, too! And the song we were singing --

NIKIWould make for a great opening number?


CIOFFIMore like a finale. You know, I should hum a few bars of itto Aaron and Georgia, it could make for a really touching ...

(beat)Would you like to go out?

NIKIYou won't let me.

CIOFFII keep forgetting. And I'm afraid I can't make an exception,even though you're ... exceptional.

NIKINot really.

CIOFFINo, from the moment I first shook your hand, I thought --

(troubled)Shook your hand.

NIKIWhat is it, Frank?

CIOFFINiki, I think it's time you told me what Sid Bernstein had onyou.

NIKINothing. Really. Unlike the rest of the cast, I want to be inthis show. I've gotten some wonderful reviews playing biggerroles in local productions, but this show is the best chanceI've ever had at Broadway.

CIOFFIJohnny hinted that a woman in the cast used some secretpersonal connection to advance her career, and that Iwouldn't like knowing who she was. Did he mean you?

NIKIEvery show is filled with gossip.

CIOFFIOh Niki. You didn't say "no." Who is it? It couldn't havebeen Sid Bernstein, could it? Aaron? Bobby? Johnny?

NIKII made a promise to someone that I wouldn't talk about it. Idon't break promises.

CIOFFIYou know, in Bernstein's notebook -- the one with coded memosto himself about each person's secret -- alongside your name,he wrote a great big zero.


NIKII'm glad.

CIOFFIOr maybe it was the letter O.

JOHNNY(on mike)

Oscar, the sandwich you ordered is here. Folks, five minutesand we're back on stage.

(Stage Manager JOHNNY has made thisannouncement on a standing mikewhich he now carries onto thestage.)

JOHNNY (Continued)(hand over mike)

For crying out loud, Niki, you have to change, hurry up!

NIKISorry!

(NIKI runs off.)

CIOFFI(amplified)

Johnny, if Niki shared some secret with you, I have to knowwhat it is!

JOHNNYDon't talk near the microphone, Lieutenant. When it'sswitched on, everybody downstairs can hear you.

(CIOFFI turns off the mike.)

CIOFFIYou tell me now.

JOHNNYIn what capacity are you asking me that question? Officer ofthe law or jealous boyfriend? Can what I say be held againstme -- or will you just hold it against me if I don't say whatyou want to hear?

CIOFFII hadn't finished with Niki.

(CIOFFI leaves.)


(JOHNNY is alone on the now dark stage. He walks over tothe sandbag referenced by CIOFFI earlier in the Act, bendsover to pick it up, but stops as he hears SOUNDS waftingup from the orchestra pit: a music stand falling over,then a commotion with the timpani, cymbals, chimes, snaredrum banging.)

JOHNNYWhatever you're playing, it's not from the score of thisshow.

(The SOUNDS STOP suddenly. From the pit we hear:)

VOICE (O.S.)Come here, my precious ... come here ...

JOHNNYWho's that?

VOICE (O.S.)Don't be afraid ... I won't hurt you ...

FJOHNNYLook, this is no time to joke, we've had two people die --

(SUDDENLY, IN THE PIT WE SEE:)

BELLINGSorry, dear fellow, didn't mean to put a fright into you.Trying to catch poor Ophelia here.

(He has a large tabby cat in his arms)She's been with this theatre for eons apparently. Chased amouse into the orchestra pit and got stuck amid thepercussion instruments. Give us a hand.

(JOHNNY HELPS HIM OUT OF THE PIT.)I'll just put her in her basket by the stage door.

(BELLING EXITS.)

JOHNNYWho's on Fly Three? That you, Nick? Drop in the chandelierfrom the saloon, will you? We got a burned-out bulb.

(up to "Nick")Thanks, Nick. You can take five.

(He moves a switch on the unit andthe SCONCE LIGHTS GO OUT. He startsto unscrew a bulb when he hearsagain, coming from the pit: a lighttapping on the timpani, eeriecymbals, rustling chimes.)

JOHNNY (Continued)Got away from our genius director, did you, Ophelia?


(HE walks to the edge of the stageand looks down into the orchestrapit again. IN BELLING's HIGH VOICE:)

JOHNNY (Continued)Come here, pussy kitten. Don't be afraid.

(crouching down)Here, kitty. Here-kitty-kitty.

(sees someone)Well, what the Hell are you doing down there? Hey, if you'reworried I'm going to tell anybody what I know about you and --

(A LOUD SHOT explodes from within the orchestra pit.JOHNNY is instantly spun around and tries to move upstage.A SECOND SHOT clearly hits Johnny in the back. He grabs atthe hanging sconce, inadvertently switching it on, andfalls to the floor, which sets the sconce spinning andswinging, casting wild, moving shadows across the stage.He drags himself to get a sandbag, and grabbing it, pushesthe sandbag into the orchestra pit. He points his rightfinger downwards as he takes last breath.

(AS THE SCENE CHANGES to the catwalkarea above the stage, we hear frombelow ...)

COMPANYTHE SEA'S UNUSUALLY ROUGH,THE GOINGS TERRIBLY TOUGHAS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGHWE'VE LOST AN OAR ...

(MUSIC CONTINUES.)

LIGHTS DIM


ACT 2

SCENE 3

SCENE: IN THE FLY SPACE ABOVE THE COLONIAL STAGE,

TIME: A short while later,

(We see the very top of a circularpainted drop and the ropes thatsuspend it. A fly bridge spans thewidth of the stage. CIOFFI, NIKIand BELLING emerge onto a metallanding a few steps beneath theCATWALK)

COMPANY (Continued)... THEY FIND IT ALL THEY CAN DO TO CALM THE CRAFT.FURTHER MORE LITTLE CHUM,WE'RE SO DUMBTHAT WE DON'T KNOW OUR FORE FROM OUR AFT.

BELLINGLet me catch my breath for a moment, please.

CIOFFISure, Chris.

BELLINGMay I ask why my participation in this climb is necessary?

CIOFFIBecause you know the most about the technical cues in theshow. You put them in, Johnny called them.

NIKIAnd why do you need me?

CIOFFIOh, Niki, where would I even begin ...?

NIKIThat's very nice.

CIOFFIAnd I also don't want to leave you unguarded until I knowwhat Johnny's dying message was.

BELLINGDying message?

CIOFFIHis bloodstains on the stage tell us he dragged himself toget a sandbag, crawled back to the edge of the stage, anddropped it in the orchestra pit. He died pointing at it. Why?


NIKITo throw the sandbag at his killer?

CIOFFII doubt he had enough strength to lift and throw it. And I'msure his killer left the pit the instant they'd shot Johnny,in order to blend back in with the rest of us downstairs. No,I'm certain Johnny was trying to leave us a clue.

BELLINGThen shouldn't we be in the pit, rather than up here?

CIOFFII looked down there and came up empty. But we know our killeruntied a sandbag from the end of one of these ropes so itcould serve as a noose for Sid Bernstein's neck. Maybe Johnnywanted us to look up here.

BELLINGBut there's very little to look at. We only have one drop --

CIOFFIDrop! Johnny dropped the sandbag into the pit. When somethingis flown down from here onto the stage, how would Johnny havegiven that cue?

BELLING"Drop in." It's standard terminology.

CIOFFIThat's right. MOUNTAINS DROP IN. SKYLINE DROPS IN.

BELLINGMARY MARTIN DROPS IN ... But I'm not sure we have any suchcue in this show.

NIKIOh, there's one at the end of "In the Same Boat."

BELLINGThere will never be an end to "In the Same Boat"!!!

COMPANYIN THE SAME BOAT, ON THE SAME SEA,SHAKIN' INSIDE AS THETIDE KEEPS RISIN'NARY A SHIP, NARY A SAIL,NARY A SOUL ON THEWHOLE HORIZON

BELLING(OVER THIS)

Listen. They're rehearsingthe latest version now!Same bloody orchestrapart, third new melody,collect the entire series!

CIOFFIMy God. My God, that's it! Of course. I've solved it. Comeon, we have to get down there, fast.


BELLINGNot too fast, I can't see a bloody thing in this light ...

CIOFFII'll be right with you, I just want to check what's writtenon the side of the drop ...

(He leans over the edge of thecatwalk to read the back of thedrop ...)

CIOFFI (Continued)"Planet Earth." Now what in the name of heaven --

(CIOFFI turns to see a man-sizedsand bag swinging on a rope rightat him. It knocks him off the edgeof the catwalk and he falls intothe darkness below.)

TRANSITION TO:


ACT 2

SCENE 4

SCENE: Back on THE COLONIAL STAGE

TIME: Continuous

THE FULL COMPANY (minus Niki and Belling) finishing thelast few lines of the latest version of "In the SameBoat." They are all in costume, have music in theirhands, and are watched by AARON, CARMEN and OSCAR.

COMPANYTHE WAVES ARE LAPPIN' A LOTTHE SHARKS ARE SNAPPIN' A LOTTHE THUNDER'S CLAPPIN' A LOTJUST HEAR IT ROARBUT THERE'S NO DOUBT IN THE WORLD WE'LL STAY AFLOATGOT THE PATIENCE OF JOBAS WE CIR-CLE THE GLOBE ...

(A giant PLANET EARTH drops in withCIOFFI straddling the North Pole)

COMPANY (Continued)... 'CAUSE WE'RE IN THE SAME --!

CIOFFIExcuse me, but I could use a little help ...

(NIKI and BELLING rush on.)

NIKIFrank!

(THE CAST helps CIOFFI down.)

NIKI (Continued)What happened?

CIOFFI(indicating the fly area)

Somebody up there doesn't like me. Did either one of you seeanything up there?

BELLINGI was groping my way in the dark.

NIKIMaybe we accidentally unhitched a rope.

CIOFFIThis was no accident. But that can wait because I think I'vesolved it!


(THE CAST is excited)

CIOFFI (Continued)I can't believe it took me so long to figure out. Sasha, handme that score, quick!

(SASHA gives him the music. CIOFFIbriskly turns one page, thenanother.)

CIOFFI (Continued)Damn!

NIKIWhat's the matter, Frank?

CIOFFII just remembered I can't read music. Never mind, never mind,basic logic tells me -- Aaron, you wrote all three melodylines to the same orchestra part, right?

AARONHad to. No time to write a new arrangement.

CIOFFIThen if all three songs fit the same arrangement, they mustall fit with each other. That's what will give this numberthe kick in the derriere it's been needing ... the whole company singing three different songs at the same time ...it'll make "Fugue for Tinhorns" sound like "Frere Jacques"!

BELLINGBut what about the murders?

CIOFFIOh will you forget about the murders for a second!

NIKIBut you said you got it, that you'd solved it!

CIOFFISolved how to salvage this number. You'll do the sameblocking as before, but you'll sing all the differentversions you learned.

BAMBIBut that's crazy.

CIOFFIYou know, it's just so crazy it might not work. But we havenothing to lose. I want to run this now. Bring in the set,Johnny!

BAMBIHe's dead!


CIOFFIOh right I forgot. Chris, you call the cues. Bobby, you andyour shipmates will sing what you always do --

BOBBYAye, aye, captain.

CIOFFIThat's Lieutenant. Niki, Bambi, Roberta, you'll sing theversion Aaron came up with this morning. The rest of you willfollow Georgia's lead. Sasha!

SASHAReady!

CIOFFIRoll em'!

BELLINGAction!

CIOFFI(over intro)

Okay, it's just Bobby at the top.

BOBBYIN THE SAME BOAT,ON THE SAME SEA,SHAKIN' INSIDE AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN'!NARY A SHIP,NARY A RAIL.NARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZON.

CIOFFI(on "HORIZON")

The three pals!

BOBBY, RANDY,AND HARVHERE WE ARE, MY SHIPMATES AND MELOST IN A WINDY SEA.ALL THE PLANKS ARE SPRINGING A LEAK,WE'D LIKE TO BAIL BUT WE FORGOT THE PAIL,AND WE REGRET TO SAY OUR COMPASS IS GONE,BUT SOMEHOW WE STILL SAIL ONBECAUSE TWO HEADS (Harv: Three heads!)ARE BEST AS SOME FELLA WROTEAND WHAT THE HECK WE'RE IN THE SAME BOAT.

CIOFFILadies!


NIKI, BAMBI, AND ROBERTAIN THE SAME BOATON THE SAME SEASHAKIN' INSIDE AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN'NARY A SHIPNARY A PLANENARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZONOH, HOW WE LONG TO STAND STILL STOMACHS ARE IN DISTRESSWE NEED A HELPING HAND, STILL NO ONE IS NEAR WHO CAN HEAR WHEN WE S.O.S.

TATTERED AND TORNWEARY AND WORNFEELIN' FORLORN THAT WE LOOK UNTIDYCHEWIN' OUR NAILS PRAYIN' THAT WHALESAREN'T ALLOWED TO EAT MEAT ON "FRI-DY"STILL, WE ARE NOT DISCOURAGEDDUE TO THE ANCIENT QUOTEYOU ARE LIKELY TO WINTAKE IT ALL ON THE CHIN WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT

CIOFFIOkay, Georgia and Bobby!

GEORGIA AND BOBBYTHE SEA'S UNUSUALLY ROUGH,THE GOING TERRIBLY TOUGHAND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGHWE'VE LOST AN OAR,WE FIND IT ALL WE CAN DO TO CALM THE CRAFT.FURTHER MORE LITTLE CHUM,THEY'RE SO DUMBTHAT THEY DON'T KNOW OUR FORE FROM OUR AFT.

CIOFFIThe gang on the river boat joins in!

GEORGIA, BOBBY, AND OTHERS(TBD)THE WAVES ARE LAPPIN' A LOT,THE SHARKS ARE SNAPPIN' A LOT,THE THUNDER'S CLAPPIN' A LOT,JUST HEAR IT ROAR!BUT THERE'S NO DOUBT IN THE WORLD WE'LL STAY AFLOAT'CAUSE IT'S EASY TO WIN TAKE IT ALL ON THE CHINWHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT.

CIOFFINow put it all together!


All three sections are sung straight throughsimultaneously, concluding with a unified tag of:

COMPANYAND WE'RE TOGETHER IN THE SAME BOAT!

(Again a giant cutout of THE PLANETEARTH flies in at the rear of thestage. THE NUMBER ENDS and theCOMPANY applauds themselves.)

BELLINGCongratulations, Lieutenant, you've greatly improved thenumber as well as the likelihood of my taking credit for it.

CARMENBut have you improved your chance of catching the person whokilled my husband and Jessica Cranshaw?

CIOFFII'm sure this image of the Planet Earth was the clue thatJohnny was trying to point us to.

CARMENWhat in the world does it mean?

CIOFFIA "world" ... on a stage ...?

BELLINGAll the world's a stage?

CIOFFIYes, yes. But it's impossible.

NIKIFrank, I'm sure you're not the only one who's bewildered --

CIOFFIWhat did you say?

NIKIYou're not the only one ...

CIOFFIOh Niki. You just told me everything.

(whirls on BELLING)CHRIS!!

BELLLINGI did it!!

(beat)No, sorry, reflex, I always take credit for everything. Whatdo you want, Lieutenant?


CIOFFII have to see the last moments of the show, the part whenJessica Cranshaw collapsed. After the curtain.

BELLINGThe Company Bows? My God, that's the last thing we should berehearsing!

CIOFFIYou think I don't know that? But the sooner I get thismystery out of the way, the sooner we can all get back towhat we came here for: making Robbin' Hood a hit. I have tosee those bows. Chris, you call the cues ... and I'll needJohnny's microphone.

BELLINGVery well. Places, people!

(As the COMPANY scurries, BELLINGwill bring out the PA mike thatJOHNNY once used. CIOFFI takes NIKIaside and downstage.)

CIOFFIListen, Niki, I've got to solve this case right now.

NIKIBecause you can only keep us here so long before someonefiles for a writ of habeas corpus?

CIOFFINo, because we need the rehearsal time. Georgia hasn't runher blocking on two numbers, your ballad hasn't been put in,and I've still got a lot of notes for Bobby. I know a way towrap this up fast but it would be putting you at some risk.

NIKIMy heart's been at risk since we met, Frank. You do what youhave to do.

(HE turns on the microphone)

CIOFFI (OVER P.A.)(to CAST, into PA mike)

Folks, folks, I have a little announcement to make. Niki andI just got engaged ...

(ENTHUSED AMAZEMENT.)Yes, she'll be leaving the show at the end of the Boston runto create the role of Mrs. Lieutenant Frank Cioffi. Now canwe run the bows please? Sasha!


COMPANYWIDE OPEN SPACES!EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES!WHERE THE FUTURE WAITS FOR YOU AND ME.

CIOFFIIt's so weird to see people taking bows without any applause.

OSCARNo, it was pretty much like this on opening night.

COMPANYIT'S KANSAS FOREVERAND WHEREVER I MAY ROAM, I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACESAND KNOW THAT KANSAS IS HOME!

(NIKI takes her bow, then BOBBY inhis green hood, then GEORGIA.)

CIOFFI (OVER P.A.)And here comes our leading lady. I have to watch thiscarefully. Sasha, bring down the tempo to half. Folks, saveyour voices for tonight, just speak the lyrics.

COMPANY(lower, slowerchant)

WIDE OPEN SPACES!EVERYWHERE I LOOK ISEE THOSE WIDE OPENSPACES!WHERE THE FUTURE WAITSFOR YOU AND ME.

CIOFFI(over this)

Carmen, Oscar, keep youreyes on Georgia. What'sshe doing different fromJessica that night?Anything?

OSCARNothing that I can see,but what do I know? A bowis a bow is a bow.

CARMENSeems the same to me.

GEORGIAIT'S KANSAS FOREVERAND WHEREVER I MAYROAM, (I KNOW THOSE WIDEOPEN SPACESAND KNOW KANSAS ISHOME!)


(As on opening night, HARV again comes down the leftaisle carrying a bouquet and has arrived at a positionnear the rail of the orchestra pit. CIOFFI doesn't seehim. There is a LOUD CRASHING CHORD as GEORGIA sings alast vocal line. HARV throws the bouquet, which lands atGEORGIA's feet.)

COMPANY K - A - N - S - A - S - U - S -

CIOFFI (OVER P.A.)Hold on! Stop the music!

(Music Stops. THE THREE climb back onto the stage.)Where'd this bouquet come from?

HARVI threw it. From down here by the orchestra.

CIOFFIAnd where'd you come from?

HARVI take my bow with the other dancers, cheat an exit, quickchange into this zip-up tuxedo, and race to the lobby where Iget that bouquet of plastic flowers to throw onto the stage.

CARMENJessica demanded the bouquet at every performance. It was inher contract. She also wanted us to play the Star-SpangledBanner on her bow to guarantee a standing ovation.

CIOFFI(to Company)

Did restaging this just now make anyone remember anythingthat was different on opening night?

GEORGIAYou know, actually ... being in Jessica's shoes just now, Iremember that on opening night, after she sang "It's KansasForever" she moved her hands to her mouth ... like she wasgoing to blow a kiss to the balcony, but changed her mind.

(She demonstrates.)Sort of like that.

CIOFFISasha, let me hear that moment, and Georgia, sing along.

SASHADa. Bar 37 two, three

GEORGIAIT'S KANSAS FOREVER ...!

(A big last note as the orchestraplays a big, "cymbal-crashy" chord.)


CIOFFIYes, the timing would exactly match the forensics, but theidea is ridiculous -- Chris, at any point in the Bows didanyone in the cast face Jessica?

BELLINGNo, they all face the audience throughout.

CIOFFIWell that's incredibly important. It rules out virtuallyeveryone on this stage, because if, just like now, someonewere to try to, say, shoot the capsules into Jessica's mouth,the only people who could have aimed at her were in theaudience on opening night, facing the stage: meaning youGeorgia, and Aaron, Oscar and Carmen.

AARONThe four of us were standing together all the way at the backof the theatre, Lieutenant. What would we have used as aweapon? A marksman's rifle on a tripod?

CIOFFIWhere were you again that night, Mr. Belling?

BELLINGTaking a walk alone as you well know, dammit. But surelySasha is the one perfectly positioned, dead center, his handspointed directly at our leading lady.

SASHAThank you, Josef Stalin.

NIKIFrank? I don't know if this matters, but on opening night,there was a second bouquet, over on this side of the stage.

RANDYYeah, it landed near me. It was thrown by a second guy onthis side of the orchestra pit. He was dressed in a tuxedo,just like everybody else, Aaron, Oscar --

OSCARSo? It was an opening night, after all. Everyone wore a tux.

CIOFFI(nods)

That's right, Oscar. That's very right.

(BOBBY staggers onto the stage, half-dazed, his head bleeding.)

BOBBYCioffi! Niki ...


(NIKI looks between BOBBY and theHOODED FIGURE on stage.)

NIKIBut if that's Bobby ... who's that wearing the hood?

(THE COMPANY stares warily at thehooded figure next to NIKI.)

CIOFFIYour devoted admirer, Niki. The one man in the opening nightaudience who could leave the theatre before the Bows hadbegun without causing a single eyebrow to be raised ... whothen re-entered the theatre, walking down the aisle to thevery edge of the stage, carrying a bouquet he'd hidden in thelobby, behind which he held some firing device, probablynothing fancier than a simple pellet gun. He's the person whomost wanted to bring down the curtain on this show, becausehe knew that if you went to Broadway, you'd leave him and hissphere of influence ... a sphere represented by the largecircle next to your name in Bernstein's black book ... asphere that Dropped In on this stage, and that Johnny wantedus to notice ... a planet called "Earth" ... or, asShakespeare put it, "the great Globe itself" ... as in the Boston Globe, and its senior critic, Daryl Grady!

(GRADY rips off the hood and holds aknife to NIKI's face.)

GRADYDon't move or she'll never look the same.

CIOFFIYou don't want to do that, Grady.

GRADYWhat difference does it make? She's going to marry you. Iheard you say so over the house P.A. She loves you.

(beat)She never loved me.

NIKIFrank, I had no idea --

CIOFFII believe you, Niki. But you did know him, didn't you? Heshuns publicity, his picture has never been published, yetyou walked right up to him, tried to shake his hand and thankhim for the compliments he paid you in his review.

NIKII was grateful for his support, his guidance. He, he told meif we kept our friendship secret, he could praise me more inhis reviews. He was always very polite, very considerate --


CIOFFI-- took you to dinner, where you'd listen attentively to hisadvice --

NIKILike a student with a teacher, nothing more than that.

GRADYIt was more than that to me, Niki. I needed you to stay here in Boston, where I can praise you, and guide you as mydevoted partner in this world of theater. I tried to scareJessica out of the show with the death threats but it was nouse. Bernstein had told me he was taking Robbin' Hood toBroadway no matter what my review said --

CIOFFISo you murdered its star. And when that wasn't a showstopper, you tried to shoot Carmen --

GRADYI should have made that shot.

CIOFFII guess you lost your gun -- maybe in the orchestra pit afteryou shot Johnny -- because you wouldn't be holding a knife onNiki if you had it. How far beyond this theatre do you thinkyou can get this way? If you had a gun, it might be different --

GRADYThanks for raising that point. Set your own gun down for me.

CIOFFIHold on --

GRADYNow.

CIOFFIFine, you win. Just don't hurt her.

(CIOFFI opens his jacket, revealing a gun in a shoulderholster, places it carefully on the stage, and steps away.GRADY takes a few steps to pick it up, putting the knifeaway. CIOFFI moves toward him.)

CIOFFI (Continued)All right, Daryl. I'm going to take Niki away from you now.

GRADYYou already have.

NIKIFrank, don't ...


GRADYAnother step and you're dead.

(CIOFFI takes another step.)

GRADY (Continued)Fine. You're dead.

(GRADY fires the gun but it justgoes "CLICK.")

CIOFFIWalking into situations like this, I always unload the gun inmy shoulder holster, and keep my real gun here at my belt.All right, Daryl, it's over, you're under arrest. Come here,Niki.

(NIKI rushes into CIOFFI's arms.)

NIKII didn't know, Frank. I didn't know.

GRADYOh, God, God, could my life get any worse!?

(A TRAP DOOR opens beneath his feetand he falls through it with aSCREAM.)

(CARMEN enters.)

CARMENHow's that? When I saw the gun was sitting on the trap door,I heard opportunity playing Knock-Knock.

(yells down into the trap:)Close down my show, you sonofabitch? Break a leg!

(second look)Oh he did!

(THE COMPANY expresses their relief.)

CIOFFIOkay, stay calm, everybody, I have men posted everywhere. Yougot him, O'Farrell?

O'FARRELL (O.S.)(from below the trap)

Yeah we got him, Lieutenant, he's fine!

CIOFFIWell, folks, since you're all witnesses to Mr. Grady'sconfession, I'll need all of you to head down to the GreenRoom and give a brief statement. And then ... we have a showto solve. Sasha, play them off, will you?

(SASHA conducts PLAYOFF MUSIC.)


(THE COMPANY begins to leave thestage, several MEN assisting BOBBY.)

BELLINGAny additional notes, Lieutenant?

CIOFFIActually, Chris, I do have One Big Suggestion I'd like tomake about the show's closing number. I think we shouldconsider a different tune.

BELLINGI'd be foolish not to give it every consideration,Lieutenant. And oh, by the way: Bravo the great detective.

CIOFFIBravo the great director.

OSCARHey, if this show is a hit, Cioffi, I have you to thank anddon't think I'm not grateful.

CIOFFIIt's backers like you who deserve the pat on the back.

OSCARI guess you don't need me to invest in one of yourinvestigations, but if you ever need a vested suit in a nicegabardine, you drop by my showroom. For you, Lieutenant,anything in the store. Ten per cent off.

(BELLING exits.)

AARONThanks for helping us solve the mystery, Lieutenant.

GEORGIAHe doesn't mean the mystery about who done it. He means theone about us.

(AARON, GEORGIA EXIT hand in hand.)

NIKIFrank, I didn't have a clue about Daryl Grady.

CIOFFII had more than one, and it still took me a while to figurehim out.

NIKINow that the mystery is solved, does this mean our engagementis off?

CIOFFIMaybe we could discuss it tomorrow over lunch. There's thiscoffee shop I know. I've become ... very close friends withthe management over the last few years.


NIKIFrank, you've got ... a date.

(She exits. MUSIC ENDS.)

SASHAWe are excused, Inspector General?

CIOFFIFine,* Sasha. Do svidaniya. (*Italian)

(SASHA descends into the pit. []departing line for BAMBI in whichCIOFFI asks her to see DETECTIVEO'FARRELL?[] CARMEN and CIOFFI arealone.)

CARMENNice job, Lieutenant.

CIOFFINot always.

CARMENI meant, nice job solving the mystery.

(gathering self to leave)Funny. Sidney used to say as long as the public boughttickets, he didn't care if he got killed by the critics. Inthis case he probably felt otherwise.

CIOFFIDaryl Grady didn't kill your husband. Grady wanted the showclosed, and your husband was going to do just that. Mrs.Bernstein, I need you to stay very calm. Your husband wasmurdered ... by your daughter.

CARMENNo. No, that's crazy -- she could never do that!

CIOFFIYou're only saying that because you love her.

CARMENLove her? Have you heard how I talk to her? As mothers go, Iclock in somewhere between Medea and Momma Rose.

CIOFFIYes, you're a stage mother all right. Maybe the stage motherof all time. When she got her solo moment in the Kansaslandnumber, I looked at you, and you couldn't disguise the pridein your face. Because she was good -- really good. And thatconfused me.

CARMENWhy?


CIOFFIYou know talent, Carmen. Why have you constantly beendemeaning her in front of everyone? And then I realized. It'sall been an act. You married Sid Bernstein and put up withhis indiscretions to get your daughter's foot in the stagedoor. But you knew that no one would take her seriously ifthey thought she was simply the producer's baby girl. So infront of everyone, you've belittled her talent, so they thinkthat wherever she's gotten, it's despite you, not because ofyou. Even if that means your daughter hates you for it. Youdid it all for Bambi.

CARMENNo! I did it for Elaine. [You can't tell her.]

CIOFFINow she was going to have a spotlight number in a show headedfor Broadway. [mention of Niki playing Madam Marian] It waseverything you'd worked and sacrificed for, everything she'dhoped for.

CARMENEverything.

CIOFFIAnd then your husband said he was going to close the showbefore she'd have her chance ... and so she killed him.

CARMENNo!

CIOFFII'm charging her with murder. Detective O'Farrell ishandcuffing her this very moment.

CARMENThe publicity will destroy her career!

CIOFFIThat's not my concern. She killed her stepfather in coldblood when he told her he was closing the show to cut hislosses.

CARMENNo, he said he was closing the show because, if he did, Gradywas going to guarantee him a rave review for every other showhe brought to Boston.

CIOFFIHe told your daughter he'd never hire her again or produceanother show with you --

CARMENHe told me she'd never make it, that she had no talent --


CIOFFIAnd without thinking she grabbed a sandbag --

CARMENA sandbag.

CIOFFIAnd she hit him with it.

CARMENPicked up the sandbag and hit him with it --

CIOFFIAnd she killed him.

CARMENAnd I killed my husband.

CIOFFIOf course you did. When I found the little black book in yourhusband's jacket, I realized that if he'd been murdered byone of his blackmail victims, they would have taken the bookwith them. That made you my prime suspect ... but you'd beenat the back of the theatre when Jessica was murdered, andsomeone had tried to murder you. And then Niki said thesewords to me: "You're not the only one" ... and it made methink: two Killers -- Grady of the Globe, trying to stop thisshow dead in its tracks, and you, trying to keep the showalive for the sake of your daughter. You faked those secondset of death threats --

CARMENI wanted to remind you the person who murdered Jessica wantedthe show to close. Since I was fighting to keep the showopen, how could I be the killer? So what do we do now,Lieutenant?

CIOFFIOn impulse, you lashed out at your monumentally unfaithfuland blackmailing husband. A decent lawyer might get you acouple of years on a reduced charge. A great lawyer might getyou an all-expense-paid weekend in sunny San Diego. But ...you're going to have to stand trial, Carmen.

CARMENI know that.

CIOFFIWhy don't we ... build up your daughter's part some more, addanother song or two for Niki, and, and maybe I don't solveyour part of this mystery until after the show opens onBroadway.


CARMENYou would do that? Oh Frank, you give me that and I'll letyou walk me out of the cast party at Sardi's straight intopolice headquarters.

CIOFFII'll have you watched night and day until then.

CARMENI understand. But ... if Niki goes to New York, doesn't thatwork against your own best interest?

CIOFFIThere's always a spot in the NYPD for a Boston PoliceLieutenant who doesn't mind a cut in rank and pay.

CARMENJesus, Cioffi. You know what? I think you're one of us.

CIOFFIThat's the nicest review I'll surely ever get.

CARMENTHERE'S A SPECIAL KIND OF PEOPLE KNOWN AS SHOW PEOPLE.

CIOFFIWE LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF DREAMS. SOMETIMES WE'RE NOT TOOCERTAINWHAT'S FALSE AND WHAT'S REAL

CIOFFI & CARMENBUT WE'RE SELDOM IN DOUBT ABOUT WHAT WE FEEL ...

(BELLING enters.)

BELLINGLieutenant, you're experienced with assault and battery, cometake a look at Bobby, will you? He's a bit wobbly on his feetfrom getting hit on the head by Grady, and we have nounderstudy for him, not here in Boston.

CIOFFIOkay, but don't worry. Bobby's a pro. The cry of "Placeseveryone!" will be like smelling salts to him ...

(LIGHTS BEGIN TO DIM but his VOICEcontinues:)

CIOFFI (Continued)... the sound of the orchestra playing its overture will bepure adrenaline, his aches and pains will be bathed in thewarmth of the spotlight, his spirits will be lifted by thehands of an adoring throng whose applause will sustain himthrough the very last scene of Robbin' Hood...


ACT 2

SCENE 5

SCENE: THE COLONIAL STAGE

TIME: 10:20 PM THAT SAME NIGHT

(MUSIC BUILDS, THEN STOPS ABRUPTLYAS: A GUNSHOT RINGS OUT.)

(COLONIAL STAGE that night. LIGHTSUP on the first scene we saw, thelast scene of Robbin' Hood: outsidea prairie schoolhouse.)

GEORGIA (as Madam Marian)Why he shot that other bullet in half!

NIKIHe saved the schoolhouse. And here he comes now! It's him.It's Rob Hood!

COMPANYThat's Rob Hood! / It's that man they call The Hood. /He must have broke out of jail! / Consternation!

(Enter ROB HOOD in green cowboyoutfit and green hood.)

GEORGIA (as Madam Marian)I wonder what face belongs to those lips I longed to kiss?

(He removes his hood.)

ROB HOODThis face!

("ROB HOOD" has unmasked. It'sCIOFFI. THE CROWD GASPS.)

NIKI (as Schoolmarm)Why it's that friendly lawman from the east I was so crazyabout! I thought you were all done with us!

CIOFFI (as Rob Hood)Not when this place is where I want to be, where I belong,keepin' company with the people I care most about. Will yoube my lawful wedded wife, Miss Niki/Nancy?

NIKI(as Schoolmarm)Oh Hood, yes!

(CHEERS from the CROWD.)


GEORGIA(as Madam Marian)Well that's it! I'm sellin' the saloon hall and taking thenext stage back to Boston!

CIOFFI(as Rob Hood)You're leavin' the stage so you can be takin' the stage?Why's that?

GEORGIA(as Madam Marian)'Cause you two are actin' like you're in love ... and onstage or off, that's the one act I don't know how to follow!

CIOFFI & NIKIYOU AND I, WE COULD STAYA TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW

ALLIN EVERY WAY!IF YOU HOLD MY HAND AND LET THE MUSIC STARTLET THE CURTAINS PART, LET THE SPOTLIGHT GLOW --

CIOFFI & NIKIWE'D BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW

ALLA TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW,A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW, I KNOW!

(NIKI kisses CIOFFI.)

(CURTAINS)

END OF ACT 2

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