“CURSE OF THE PHARAOH'S KISS”

By

Wade Bradford

CHARACTERS:

VERONICA MELVILLE: VERY ELEGANT, VERY BEAUTIFUL...AND HIDING A SHAMEFUL SECRET. SHE IS NO EGYPTOLOGIST,

BUT SHE IS A FAST THINKER. THE AUDIENCE CAN IMMEDIATELY TELL SHE HAS A SOFT EXTERIOR, BUT A TOUGH

INTERIOR, AND UNDERNEATH THAT TOUGH INTERIOR, THERE'S ANOTHER LAYER OF GENTLE SOFTNESS, BUT BELOW THAT

- AT THE CORE - SHE'S REALLY QUITE TOUGH.

RODNEY GUNTHER:A HANDSOME, WELL-BUILT, NONE-TOO-BRIGHT SAILOR WITH A HIDDEN PERSONAL AGENDA. HE IS A

SWEET NATURED MAMA'S BOY, BUT NOT WITHOUT A SENSE OF ADVENTURE AND HEROISM.

THE MUMMY: WELL, BASICALLY, HE'S A SCARY MUMMY. BUT UNDERNEATH THOSE ANCIENT WRAPPINGS, LURKS A FIERCE

WARRIOR AND RULER. OLD-FASHIONED AND CHAUVINISTIC, HE IS A HOPELESS ROMANTIC. PHYSICALLY IMPOSING,

UNDERNEATH HIS FRIGHTENING AND DIRTY MUMMY WRAPPINGS HE POSSESSES AN ADONIS-LIKE FACE AND AN INCREDIBLY

MUSCULAR PHYSIQUE.

SETTING:

EGYPT, 1930. THE INTERIOR OF AN EGYPTIAN TOMB, DISCOVERED ONLY WEEKS AGO. VERONICA AND RODNEY STARE AT

A SARCOPHAGUS.

RODNEY AND VERONICA ARE IN THE MUMMY'S TOMB. THEY STARE AT THE SARCOPHAGUS.

RODNEY: WELL, HERE'S THE SARCOPHAWHATCHACALLIT. SHALL WE FIND OUT WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT?

VERONICA: BUT THE MUMMY, IT CAME TO LIFE, I SWEAR!

RODNEY: NOW, NOW, DOLL-I'LL PROTECT YOU. LET'S OPEN IT UP.

VERONICA: I'VE SEEN ENOUGH CORPSES TO LAST A LIFETIME.

RODNEY: THEN I'LL DO IT.

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VERONICA: RODNEY, WHY DID YOU BRING YOUR MOTHER TO THIS WRETCHED PLACE?

RODNEY: (OPENING THE SARCOPHAGUS.) IT'S EMPTY!

VERONICA: BUT I SWEAR THERE WAS A MUMMY-WHY HE MUST STILL BE LURKING ABOUT. OR PERHAPS MR. BRUNDLE WAS

RIGHT ABOUT THE FUMES. MAYBE ALL OF IT WAS JUST A TERRIBLE HALLUCINATION.

RODNEY: OR MAYBE IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE. YOU KNOW THAT AMULET YOU MENTIONED? I'VE HEARD TELL IT HAS

SPECIAL POWERS. MAGICAL, LIFE-GIVING POWERS.

VERONICA: SURELY YOU DON'T-

RODNEY: SURELY I DO. I'VE SEEN THINGS IN THIS WORLD, VERONICA. STRANGE THINGS THAT MAKE A MAN'S NIPPLES

HARDEN, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

VERONICA: I'M AFRAID I DON'T

RODNEY: WHEN I WAS A LAD, MY GRANDFATHER HAD THESE AMAZING ABILITIES. HE COULD REMOVE HIS THUMB FROM

HIS HAND AND PUT IT RIGHT BACK ON. HE ONCE STOLE MY OWN NOSE FROM ME AND DIDN'T GIVE IT BACK UNTIL THE

NEXT MORNING. AND IF YOU PULLED HIS FINGER, WELL, LET'S JUST SAY THAT THE HUMAN BODY IS FULL OF

MYSTERIES. WHO KNOWS WHAT'S LURKING AROUND THIS TOMB.

VERONICA: OH, RODNEY, I'M SO FRIGHTENED! LET'S GRAB YOUR MATERNAL LAUNDRY BAG AND LEAVE THIS PLACE

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

RODNEY: NOW, NOW. LET'S NOT RUSH OUT OF THIS. FIRST, I WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS AMULET.

VERONICA: BUT WHY?

RODNEY: BECAUSE, DOLL, IT'S THE MOST VALUABLE OBJECT KNOWN TO MAN.

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VERONICA: BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT TREASURE OR THE GLORY OF MY FAMILY TREE. I JUST WANT OUT OF THIS TOMB!

I WANT TO SEE THE SKY AGAIN! I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM ALL THIS MORBID DEATH AND DESTRUCTION!

RODNEY: EASY, LADY, EASY. CALM YOURSELF. RODNEY'S HERE, AND HE AIN'T GONNA LET NOBODY HURT YOU.

HE SITS HER ON A CRATE AND BEGINS TO RUB HER SHOULDERS.

VERONICA: CALM MYSELF? HOW CAN I BE CALM WHEN- (INSTANTLY RELAXED, SENSUAL) OH, THAT'S HEAVENLY.

(FISHING FOR INFORMATION) IS THERE A MRS. RODNEY THE SAILOR?

RODNEY: NO MA'AM, BUT I'M HOPING SOME DAY THERE WILL BE.

VERONICA: I MUST SAY I AM SURPRISED YOU HAVEN'T FOUND HER YET.

RODNEY: WELL, MAYBE I HAVEN'T BEEN LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACES.

VERONICA: WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE'LL BE LIKE? YOUR FUTURE WIFE, I MEAN.

RODNEY: OH, SOMEONE WHO LOVES ADVENTURE. WHO TAKES RISKS IN LIFE…AND IN LOVE. (PAUSES FROM MASSAGE,

SITS BESIDE HER) WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A MAN?

VERONICA: OH, WHAT EVERY SIMPLE WOMAN WANTS, I SUPPOSE. A MAN WHO IS KIND AND WHO IS HONEST, UNLESS OF

COURSE, HIS HONESTY WOULD BE UNKIND, THEN HE SHOULD BE DIPLOMATIC, BUT STILL FIRM, BOTH IN INTEGRITY

AND PHYSIQUE. HE SHOULD BE DEVILISHLY HANDSOME AND ANGELICALLY HUMBLE. AND WHETHER IT BE THE ROLLING

SEAS OR TOWERING SKYSCRAPERS, HE SHOULD LOVE HIS WORK, AND LOVE IT EVEN MORE WHEN HE RUSHES HOME TO ASK

HOW MY DAY HAS BEEN. THE SORT OF MAN WHO CAN LAUGH FONDLY AT A MEMORIAL SERVICE, SHED A TEAR AT A

WEDDING, AND CRY OPENLY AFTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE. AS A LOVER HE WOULD BE GENTLE, BUT ROUGH,

RUGGEDLY SOFT, YET DELICATELY RIGID. HE LOVES THE GREAT OUTDOORS, ANIMALS, LARGE FAMILIES, AND PASTA.

HE ENJOYS WEARING SWEATERS, DESPISES THE COLOR AQUAMARINE, AND EATS PINEAPPLE FOR BREAKFAST EVERY

SUNDAY MORNING. HE WHISTLES SHOWTUNES, DONATES SPARE CHANGE TO ORGAN GRINDER MONKEYS, AND MAKES A WISH

DURING EVERY LUNAR ECLIPSE. HE HAS NEVER KNOWN THE PAIN OF A BROKEN HEART, NOR HAS HE EVER SPRAINED HIS

WRIST WHILE MOVING FURNITURE, THOUGH HE DOES SUFFER FROM TENNIS ELBOW…

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RODNEY: SHEESH!

VERONICA: HE ENJOYS CROSSWORD PUZZLES, LAWN DARTS AND-

RODNEY: ALL RIGHT, I GET IT.

VERONICA: OH, AND HE'S RICH.

RODNEY: MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GET BACK TO THE MASSAGE.

VERONICA: OH, THAT WOULD BE LOVELY.

RODNEY: YOU GOT YOURSELF A BIT WORKED UP THERE. LET'S JUST RELAX AND NOT THINK ABOUT THIS CREEPY OLD

TOMB OR YOUR IMPOSSIBLE HIGH STANDARDS OF FINDING A MATE. YOU JUST TELL OL' RODNEY EVERYTHING YOU KNOW

ABOUT THE AMULET OF ETERNITY.

(CREEPY MUSIC. THE MUMMY APPEARS FROM THE DARKNESS, SLOWLY WALKS BEHIND RODNEY AND THUMPS HIM ON THE

HEAD, KNOCKING HIM OUT.)

VERONICA AH, THE AMULET. WELL, IT'S THE PRETTIEST SHADE OF BLUE…AND YOU SHOULD SEE HOW IT SPARKLES IN

THE TORCHLIGHT. (REFERRING TO MASSAGE) OH, DON'T STOP.

THE MUMMY BEGINS TO RUB VERONICA'S SHOULDERS.

VERONICA (CONT'D): OH, RODNEY

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