THE NEVER-ENDING CRISIS

OF DIVORCE

Prepared and Presented By

Glen Christie, MS, EdS, ThD, CASAC

Faith Bible CollegeCrisis Counseling II

Several factors contribute to divorce, often times even a combination of factors. The best way to avoid divorce is to avoid the situations that lead to it. This list is not in a particular order, as every couple is unique.

It takes 2 people to communicate; there is a speaker, and a listener. If one person is dominating the conversation by yelling and calling names, it makes it hard for the other to listen. If one person is leaving the room slamming the door behind them, it makes it hard for the other person to speak, and be heard. Bad communication can cause misunderstandings, conflict and stops couples from opening up to one another accurately.

BAD COMMUNICA

TION

Cheating on a spouse or breaking a promise to be faithful can take many forms.

• Making sure each partner is clear on the others physical and mental boundaries help a person to make wise decisions about fidelity. As unthinkable and painful as infidelity is, it is very common. After a thorny experience a married couple only has 2 options regarding infidelity.

• The first, to forgive and forget (obviously much easier said than done). The second is to go your separate ways. A relationship with an unfaithful partner cannot move forward without complete forgiveness. If completely forgiving the unfaithful for their deed is impossible, a divorce is inevitable. It doesn't matter who is involved, for how long and why, because infidelity causes pain and suffering to parties involved. Some marriages are able to survive infidelity but many don't, which is why it is known as one of the leading causes of divorce.

INFIDELITY

A marriage is a lifelong business agreement. People’s love for money is a cause for arguments, and even legal action. If one person is spending money without letting their partner know, spending money carelessly, or failing to buy certain things- couples are more prone to argue. Other money problems may arise from less controllable circumstances, such as losing a job. What it boils down to is that couples who successfully manage their finances are less likely to suffer a divorce.

MONEY MANAGEMENT

Sadly, drugs and alcohol are ever present in society. If you love an addict you know how terribly it affects a relationship. At the beginning it may seem harmless, a few drinks or sampling a drug. An addiction may come about from a need to consume a prescription, and then becoming dependent. Whatever the case, while one person is suffering from the disease, the other is suffering from unacceptable behaviors. The often co-dependent spouse is dealing with lying, stealing, taking care of a sick spouse, infidelity, being called at 2 in the morning by the police or hospital, and generally receiving the brunt of any situation. There are many things a person can be addicted to such as; shopping, sex addiction, internet porn, gaming etc., all equaling an immense amount of suffering for a marriage. Because all illnesses are progressive, the best path is rehabilitation and/or counseling. I’m sorry to disappoint, but many addicts will not get help with the threat of divorce. The best bet might be to get a legal separation. However, if children are involved, divorce may be the only option due to

ADDICTIONS

The exact definition of this phenomenon varies from person to person but in men it usually means a desire to change job, location and/or lifestyle. A person feels like their life is getting to the point where they need a new challenge. And it's possible they may but such an abrupt and seemingly selfish determination can have a big impact on their partner. Massive change may be scary or unnecessary to the spouse. The turmoil from this new lust for life can be the cause of a divorce among couples who have been married for many, many years. Don’t be afraid to make a change and grow with your partner. Let him have his Porsche (he was just barely able to afford it)

MID-LIFE CRISIS

A couple with different opinions about sex can bring them to the breaking point. If one partner considers the others desires dirty or wrong, it causes serious trouble. Also likely to fail are couples where a partner is unable or unwilling to try something new. Not surprisingly, males report a generally high desire to engage in sexual activity vs. women. The most common reasons for people not wanting to engage in sexual activity are feelings of stress, anger, or plain being tired. Interestingly, many engage even when they have no desire, and some report being more motivated after saddling up for the ride.

SEXUAL DISCREPANCIE

S

We all know couples that their marriage lasted less than a year, and chances are they were incompatible the whole time. There are also divorces that come about because they grew apart and cease to interest the other party. If you are in a relationship and expecting the person you are with to “shape up,” don’t hold your breath. When a young man is irresponsible and unwilling to work before marriage, the chances are extremely good that he'll continue the same pattern of behavior after marriage. In the same way the young lady who has shown no sense of personal responsibility before marriage will likely also be unwilling to do her part in containing the home after marriage. Planning to change someone is unlikely, regardless of how sincerely they may want/ promise to change.

COUPLE MISMATC

H

• It takes two people to make a successful relationship. If both parties don’t give an equal effort, a marriage will surely fail. Both parties in a relationship need to commit, and this always means making sacrifices for what they both what. Without a solid support for the partnership from both partners, divorce could very well be a possibility.

COMMITMENT

Divorce: Top 30 Factors1. Courtship of less than two years 2. Having little in common 3. Marrying at 17 or younger4. Differences in race, education, age,

religion, social class, values, and libido5. Not being religiously devout6. A cohabitation history with different

partners7. Previous marriage8. No children9. Limited education10.Urban residence

Divorce: Top 30 Factors

11. Infidelity12. Divorced parents 13. Poor communication skills 14. Unemployment of husband15. Employment of wife16. Mental or physical disability17. Having seriously ill child18. Low self-esteem of spouses 19. Being African American20. Lack of commitment

Divorce: Top 30 Factors21.Experiencing rape22. Having premarital pregnancy or

unwanted child23. Stepchildren24. High debt or sudden loss of income25. Experiencing violence or abuse26. Having parents who never married27. Marrying someone who has been

divorced28. Wife earns higher income than

husband29. Falling out of love30. Bankruptcy

Micro Factors Contributing to Divorce• Differences

• Falling Out of Love• Limited Time Together• Decrease in Positive Behavior• Affair• Lack of Conflict Resolution Skills• Value Changes• Satiation• Perception that One Would Be Happier if

Divorced

Who Gets the Children?Factors determining custody– Child’s age, maturity, sex, and

activities, including culture and religion–Wishes of the child– Each parent’s capacity to care for the

child’s emotional, intellectual, financial, and religious needs

– Parents’ ability to agree, communicate, and cooperate in matters relating to the child

– Nature of the child’s relationship to each parent

– Protection for the child from physical or psychological harm

– Past and present parental attitudes and behaviors

– Proposed plan for caring for the child

Less than 10% regularly attend church

Marriage vows are seen as less binding

Roman Catholics have recognized divorce

Some denominations allow divorcees to remarry in church

But… Some faiths (eg Greek Orthodox)

do not recognize remarriage

Secularization

Change in Role of Women

Since 1970’s the majority of divorce petitions have been initiated by women

More women now work and are able to support themselves after divorce

Much less social stigma attached to divorcees (since 1969 Act)

Cultural Changes Marriage was once to do with

security and companionship It is now more about romantic love This makes modern marriages more

fragile and can lead to “serial monogamy”

Higher expectations lead to greater disillusionment and a demand for divorce

The emotional emphasis of modern relationships make them particularly fragile

An End to the Family?

Almost 3 in 5 marriages can expect to end in divorce

About 3 in 10 children are born outside marriage

More and more people are choosing to co-habit rather than marry

There is a small but increasing group of “elective singles” in Britain and the USA

Stages of Divorce

First stage of divorce is emotional divorce: This begins during the marriage when one of both spouses begin withholding emotion from their relationship.Second stage is legal divorce: A legal contract of dissolution of marriage.Third stage is economic divorce: How they split up property and finances.Co-parental divorce:Indicates that parents are divorced from each other but not from their children.Community divorce:Is characterized by loneliness, which may be caused by a change in social status.

Some married persons are threatened by the presence of a divorced person, which may be a reflection of their own insecurity.

A friend may experience some anxiety or fear upon hearing of an individual’s divorce.

Friends may be experiencing the very same difficulties as the divorcing couple, but not acknowledging it.

  Sometimes friends have fantasies and desires for

a sexual relationship with one of the partners.

Community Divorce

Some of may have friends who experience pleasure from the suffering and failure of others.

  Friends of the divorcing couple may

experience some degree of emotional loss and grief.

Some friends may experience conflict over allegiances.

Community Divorce

The last stage, psychic divorce: the person becomes autonomous - separate from the influence, presence, and even from thoughts of the former spouse.

Overlapping Phase • The first overlapping phase of denial, starts

long before the stressors that push the marriage into crisis.

 

The second phase, loss and depression, occurs when the couple can no longer cope with their problems together.

 

The third anger and ambivalence occurs as the end

of the marriage becomes a reality.

Fourth is reorientation of lifestyle and identity the spouse spends more time regretting the and experiencing anger.

 

With phase five comes acceptance and achievement of a new level of functioning.

• You must be realistic, not give false hope when working with the person being rejected.

 

Do not attempt to answer legal questions. 

In the transitional process, one of the biggest steps involved is letting go.• One of the main concerns to look for in

helping a person is the amount of resentment and bitterness that seems to be present.

• Few people are born with a natural ability to forgive.

 

Part of a suggested procedures for learning to forgive is to list all the resentments toward the person(s) you are allowing to continue to limit your life.

Reconstituting The Family

Many who marry again to start a new life, enter the relationship with unresolved issues.

 

When recovering from a lost marriage, the mourning of the first must be completed.

 

When planning a new marriage, each person needs to come to terms with:

• The ability to sustain a close and lasting relationship

• Fixing their “picker” (unofficial)• Fear of repeating the same mistakes and

problems  

In the final stage of reconstituting the family, the primary task is restructuring the roles.

 

Reconstituting The Family

The church has a duty to provide a thorough program of individual premarital counseling for every couple seeking marriage.

  The church should also consider providing an annual marital check-up for couples.

 Pastors might set an example for the congregation by continuing to court and date their own spouses.

 Help people through teaching and preaching to learn to apply the scriptures to their lives.

 

Churches Role

Conditions of a “Successful” Divorce

• Mediate rather than litigate the divorce

• Co-parent with your ex-spouse• Take some responsibility for the

divorce• Create positive thoughts• Avoid alcohol and other drugs• Engage in aerobic exercise• Continue interpersonal connections• Let go of the anger for your ex-partner• Allow time to heal