Crazy Timeor No Big Deal ?

The Divorce Emotional Spectrum

How upset you’ll be during the divorce processdepends on several factors For example. . . .

Factors Influencing the Level of Divorce Trauma

1. whether the decision was genuinely mutual

2. how long spouses had been separated and the degree to which they’d created new lives as individuals prior to filing for divorce

3. the degree to which the marital relationship was central to a spouse’s identity

4. whether a spouse was the initiator (“dumper”) or the party playing catch-up (“the dumpee”)

5. personal history and personality factors

6. infidelity or significant betrayal of one spouse by the other

mutualitywhen a couple has grown apart over a period of several years until they’re more like roommates than spouses and both agree they should move on, the emotional trauma associated with the split will likely be minimal There may be sadness and regret that things didn’t

work out, but generally no huge emotional drama. These people may maintain a post-divorce friendship.

when the spouses have been living separate lives in different homes for months or years, a decision to divorce usually isn’t traumatic

Length of separation

centrality of the relationship to a spouse’s sense of self

• Partners whose sense of self-esteem and value depends on the feeling they are loved suffer more than those whose sense of self derives from a variety of factors.

• The person most invested in the relationship will be more traumatized than the partner with less investment.

• Gender isn’t as important as the degree to which your hopes, dreams and identity are wrapped up in the success of the marriage

general rule of thumb

the spouse more invested in the relationship for his or her identity and self-esteem will suffer more distress over the loss of the marriage and take longer to adjust.

Initiators (both men and women) suffer less emotional trauma than their partners

Initiators have been distancing from the partner, thinking about divorce, and planning new lives, often for two or more years before the partner is told the marriage is over. This gives Initiators the luxury of working through their issues and distress while still maintaining the structure & comfort of the marriage.

Partners are months or years behind initiators in adjusting to their new reality.

Even though they have an adjustment advantage, initiators still have guilt and sadness when the separation comes -often far more than they anticipated. . . .

Initiators have a tremendous adjustment advantage because of their lengthy period of mental preparation.

They need to realize that their spouse feels blindsided and won’t “get over it” as quickly as the Initiator would like.

Personal history and personality factors have an impact

• a history of abandonment or abuse can exacerbate feelings of distress about the end of a marriage • a history of depression or post-traumatic stress disorder may increase the risk of recurrence and will likely make recovery more difficult

• natural resilience, self-soothing ability, coping style, and willingness to cultivate and utilize supportive resources all impact the severity and duration of emotional distress

• some people are more adept at processing feelings and accepting what is than others

Infidelity almost guaranteestrauma in the betrayed partner

and feelings of guilt and shame in the offender whether male or female

A betrayed spouse’s trauma reaction will last long after the offender’s guilt and shame have resolved, making it difficult for the betrayed spouse to move on as quickly.

Additional factors that have a huge impact are:

- losing daily contact with children

- concern over children’s adjustment and changes in parent-child relationships

- loss of familiar surroundings

It takes time used wisely (and willingness to seek help when necessary) to come to termswith this enormous life change.

but it is possible to rediscoverhappiness

eventually