Consultancy - Ways to Solve Family Issues

7/31/2019 Consultancy - Ways to Solve Family Issues

1/9

1

CONSULTANCY: Ways to Solve Family Issues

By: Siti Zulaikha Hj. Mohd. Noor, UKM

Sinar Rohani Magazine, November 2003

Consultancy is not something new but has existed alongside the existence of

human society. Nowadays, consultancy may differ in ways and methods, and not

professionally (ikhtisas).

For the Muslim community in Malaysia, the term marriage consultancy was first

introduced together with the implementation of Islamic Law in the early 80s. However,

the fact is, marriage consultancy has long been practised amongst the Malay

community in Malaysia. However, the practice may not reflect the term used today.

Similarly, the methods and techniques may not be the same as is practised today.

The spirit of working together and kinship amongst the Muslim community in the

villages is still strong and intimate, thus, every issue regarding family matters are

discussed together. Hence, the Malay proverb a trouble shared is a trouble halved

(berat sama dipikul, ringan sama dijinjing) and united we stand (muafakat itu

membawa berkat). This starts from the smallest form of action which is the preparation

for dowry until the management of the marriage feast.

Another factor that creates relationship gap between the younger and the older

generation is when the younger ones start working and residing in the cities, thus the

relationship with their parents and grandparents become distant. It is difficult for them to

get advice and guidance from the older generation. In such situation, they do not have

an outlet to express their feelings. The lifestyle in the cities is one of the contributing

factors that expedite the societys need for marriage consultancy. This same factor has

also led to the strengthening of marriage consultancy services in developed countries

such as the United States of America and England.


2/9

2

Factors that Lead to Marriage Conflicts

The factors that lead to marriage conflicts often reported to the Syariah Courts

are as follows:

i) Husbands and wifes failure to understand their responsibilities in marriage

especially when they marry at a young age.

ii) Meddling by the in-laws.

iii) Ill-tempered husband.

iv) Flirtatious husband/wife.

v) Overly jealous wife.

vi) Husband has affairs with other women.

vii) Husband is incapable of provision (nafkah).

viii) Adultery.

ix) Sexual ability imbalance.

x) Wife refuses to polygamy.

xi) Wife is infertile.

Marriage Problems

Marriage problems can be divided into four main sections:

a) Economyb) Personal (emotional and physical)

c) Sex

d) Social

a. Economy

Besides fulfilling psychological needs, a marriage must also fulfil economic needs. In

other words, besides loving the wife, the husband is also responsible to fulfil

monetary needs of his wife and children. There are economic aspects that often

cause marriage problems such as:

i) A husband who is incapable of providing enough monetary support.

ii) A husband who purposely neglect to provide enough monetary support.


3/9

3

iii) A wife who wants more than the husband can provide.

iv) A husband who extorts the wifes wealth.

v) If both the husband and wife work, there is no give and take spirit in

managing the household economy.

b. Personal

Problems resulting from personal issues are problems caused by the physical and

emotional states of the husband or wife.An example can be a husbands or a wifes

physical illness - a husband with a physical illness which prevents him from working

or satisfying his wife; or a wife who is bedridden or unable to conceive. Meanwhile,

examples of emotional problems are a husband who is ill-tempered, grouchy or has

the tendency to act violently towards his wife; or the wife is too ferocious or overly

jealous.

There was once a case where the husband was too jealous and refused to trust his

wife who was in good terms with a male office mate. He had already divorced his

wife twice. When his background was analysed, it was revealed that the husband

was traumatised by his parents failed marriage. Similarly, his sisters marriages

were also problematic.

c. Sexual

Normally, sexual problems happen due to imbalance in sexual activities.

First: Husband/wife who has high sexual desire or a husband who is cold when it

comes to sex or has lost his sexual capability.

Second: Ignorance or lack of knowledge on fulfilling sexual desire that one thinks

that his/her partner could not fulfil his/her sexual needs.

Third: Husband is very physical when it comes to sexual relationship or has bizarre

needs.

Fourth: Husband/wife has sexual relationship with other people.


4/9

4

d. Social

Social aspects which often cause marriage conflicts include social relationship

amongst family members (relationship with other people). Such marriage conflict

may happen when the husband/wife refuses to respect his/her in-laws or is not

friendly with the sister/brother-in-laws. Similarly, conflicts may also happen if the

parents are not affectionate towards their children. Marriage conflicts may turn worst

if there is no conformity between the husband and wife. For instance, if the husband

puts his work as priority that he has no time for his wife and children.

Meanwhile, a relationship involving other people outside the family may occur when

the husband or wife has intimate relationship with another person or has committed

adultery. It may also happen when the husband or wife likes to flirt.

Marriage Consultancy from Islamic Perspectives

In reality, Islam has recommended certain principles for forming, maintaining and

improving marriages. However, the techniques or approaches need to be adapted

according on the current trends. Consultancy in the field of family matters is needed at

the following three stages based on events that happened during the era of Rasulullah

(peace and blessings be upon him) and his companions:

First: At the early stage when choosing a partner.

Second: When marriage conflict happens.

Third: For couples who have been married for a long time and suddenly lose the sparks

or love towards the spouse.

i. Pre-marriage consultancy

Pre-marriage consultancy refers to the consultancy given before a man or woman

chooses his or her partner. Islam has stated the characteristics that must be

followed and avoided when choosing a life partner. For example, in a hadith,

Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) stated that religious characteristics to


5/9

5

be the main priority even though people often look at wealth, beauty and stature. In

another hadith, Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) warned against

marrying a beautiful woman for such is a starter of evil deeds.

One of the factors that can strengthen marriage ties is the feeling of love for the

prospective husband or wife. Hence, Islam proposes to see each prospect based on

the discipline as outlined by syara. A prospective husband is only allowed to see

just the face and both palms of the future wife, no more than that.

Besides that, after the solemnisation, there is a marriage sermon which explains

further the responsibilities of a husband and wife. Hence, it is important for the

couple to listen to the sermon. The marriage sermon needs to be properly compiled

and comprehensive. Even though nowadays there are pre-nuptial courses available

and even gaining popularity, most are just about the general rules of being husband

and wife according to the laws perspective.

There are other factors that can complement such courses which include issues

related to family expenses, family management and parenting skills. Obviously, such

early consultancy is more focussed on mere guidance, explanation and discussion.

ii. Consultancy in times of marriage conflict

In Fiqh, there is a term called nusyuz. Nusyuzmeans a situation where a husband

or wife refuses to carry out his or her responsibility as required by syara. There is

very clear instruction if a wife refuses to respect her husband.

The initial step is to advise the wife.

Secondly, if the nusyuzcontinues even after being advised, then the husband can

sleep separately from the wife.


6/9

6

Thirdly, the husband may hit the wife gently, so as to teach but not to hurt her at

sensitive places such as the face.

However, if the husband is the one who commits nusyuz, the wife needs to report

the case to the Qadhi.

When nusyuzhappens at a critical stage, it is called shiqaq. When shiqaqoccurs,

there is one peace institution advised by Islam known as the Judge (Hakam). Islam

suggests that a hakambe appointed for each of the husband and wife.

Nusyuzby the wife arises when there is critical misunderstanding or the wife has

become so hateful of her husband that she is willing to perform khuluk. Nusyuzby

the wife may happen due to the wifes own attitude or the husbands abominable

attitude.

Nusyuzby the husband may happen when the wife is unwell for a long period of

time due to ageing. A wife who acknowledges this problem may give in such as by

giving her turn to another wife. Such situation happened to Saudah, the wife of

Rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) who was old and gave her turn toAishah.

At this stage, the type of consultation required is of a direct participation to the

problems faced by both parties. Thus, the concept of hakamfulfils the need because

representatives from both parties are those who understand the people they

represent. However, in a complex society, obviously there are more aspects

ventured into which makes it appropriate that the parties involved as a member of

hakamshould come from various backgrounds.

iii. Consultation for couples who have been married for a long time

There are two situations for couples who have been married for a long time:


7/9

7

First: There are couples who still love each other, that their relationship becomes

stronger as their marriage gets older, because at that stage the marriage creates a

feeling of needing each other and friendship between the two of them.

Second: There are couples whose marriage lost its lustre and love with time (length

of marriage of seven years and above)

As the objective of a marriage is to maintain mawaddah(love) and sakinah(peace)

in a marriage, and that divorce is a legal matter most detested by Allah s.w.t, the

main motives of consultation at this stage are:

a) To rejuvenate the couples relationship.

b) To provide guidance to arrange life programme in order to prevent boredom

and loneliness;

c) As marriage in this category involves older people, there may also be other

problems that arise either from aspects of social, economy, mental, physical,

and so forth. If the problem faced is too serious, then it needs to be resolved

or, if need be, referred to those with the expertise.

In conclusion, the form of consultation at this stage is more towards creating

awareness and as a reminder as well as curative and rehabilitative in nature.

Consultancy According to Islamic Family Law Perspective in Malaysia

Prior to the 80s, there was a realisation to place a female officer at the Qadhi

office as the assistant to the Qadhi. The first state to create the position of Female

Officer is Selangor. This was then followed by the other states. The officers appointed

are the assistants to the Qadhi in addressing complaints and to tend to the

complainants.

It turns out that the Muslim community in Malaysia which is growing rapidly with


8/9

8

the development process is faced with a certain reality. This reality, which consists of

elements that can undermine the human values, has begun to spread, not only in the

cities but also in the villages. As a result, human moral ethics have deteriorated,

materialism becomes vital values and household problems are on the rise.

Therefore, the implementation of Islamic Family Law aims to create happy

families and provide protection to people who are ill-treated. In order to achieve the

objectives, we cannot assume that the punishments stated in the law can overcome all

family issues. We need to consider that at times the mistakes committed by humans

may result from their lack of awareness, disturbed souls and other issues. Thus, it is fair

that before a person is punished, he/she is advised or cured. And it is hoped that the

almost broken marriage can be salvaged.

In actual fact, there is no specific provision for marriage consultancy in family

law. However, indirectly, there is an allocation which requires the court to advise both

parties before granting a divorce. For example, if one party agrees to a divorce and the

court is satisfied that the marriage cannot be salvaged, then the court needs to advise

the husband to announce the divorce (talaq).

Whereas, in situations where one party does not agree with the divorce and there

is a possibility of reconciliation, the court needs to appoint a Peace Committee

consisting of a Religious Officer (Chairman) and two other people to represent the

husband and wife respectively.

In addition, there is the hakaminstitution to resolve shiqaqbetween the husband

and wife. If the first appointed hakamfails to find a resolution, then a new hakamwill be

appointed.

Nowadays, we need to fully understand the teachings of Islam in order to achieve

peace in this world and hereafter. Therefore, the principles of building a marriage


9/9

9

according to Islamic perspectives need to be completely understood and upheld. Based

on what is happening in the society, marriage consultation amongst the Muslim

community needs to be improved and enhanced. Hence, it is suggested that:

a) Every marriage and divorce registration office has a Consultancy Unit.

b) Every Consultancy Unit has male and female Counsellors.

c) The State Government needs to make provisions for Counsellor positions.

d) A Counsellor needs to have a First Degree in Syariah and a Diploma in

consultancy.

e) Every Islamic Family Enactment needs to make specific provisions regarding the

Consultancy Unit, its jurisdictions and tasks.

f) Provisions regarding Peace Committee and Hakamneed to be revised in line

with the provisions for the Consultancy Unit.

Documents

Consultancy - Ways to Solve Family Issues