Concrete Detail vs. Commentary

Jane Schaeffer Model

Facts About Facts (Concrete Details, CD)

• They must be facts – provable through observation, if not general information.

• You must state them STRONGLY; if you are prefacing it with “maybe” or “perhaps” or “could,” then it is not specific or concrete enough.

• Think: “For example…”

Commentary (CM)

• It is your opinion, interpretation, insight, analysis, personal response, feelings (your own in a personal paper, a character’s feelings in a literature paper), evaluation, explication, and reflection about a concrete detail in an essay.

• It echoes the focus of your thesis and topic sentences.

• It should always strengthen and extend the concrete detail – explaining what you mean, reinforcing the truth of the fact, showing how or why it is important and not straying off of the main thought.

CM Continued

• You must have more commentary than you have fact. Remember, the smallest ratio is 1:2, which is also a chunk (1 part/sentence CD to 2 parts/sentences CM).

• State it strongly, as if it were un-debatable. No “maybe” or “perhaps” or “possibly” etc.

• No “I think” – we already know that; you’re the one writing the essay.

• Think: “This shows that…”

What does CM look like?This paragraph has a topic sentence, three sentences of CD, and a

concluding sentence. The only CM is underlined.

Driving in the fog of San Francisco was a frightening experience. For example, no signs were visible from the freeway, so I couldn’t see if there were any gas stations nearby to fill my near-empty tank. In addition, it was 12:00 noon, and the fog was so thick that I couldn’t read the exit signs until I started passing them. Furthermore, a police car suddenly appeared ahead and drove at forty miles per hour for the next thirty minutes, and none of us was allowed to pass him. When I finally reached Sacramento that day, a great sense of relief permeated my body and mind.

This sample has CM inserted in the paragraph. Which sentences are CM or contain CM?

Watching a high school football game outside in winter is insane. For example, the cold temperatures make steam rise from the football players who have gotten hot playing the game. All you have to do to realize the extent of the freezing temperatures is watch the steam rising from their heads when they take off their helmets on the sidelines. When they get set on the line of scrimmage, they make it look like a fire was just put out on the field. In addition, everyone who comes to the game is bundled up so that they can keep warm throughout the game. Although this is the goal, it rarely works. The cold has a way of seeping in and settling into your bones, despite the amount of clothing and blankets you are wrapped in. Furthermore, when there are lots of people out for a game, lines start to form everywhere. If you want a warm hot dog or cup of coffee, it is ages before it is your turn to get your food. By the time you get back to your seat, everything is cold and therefore, lost most of its purpose. In winter, I prefer to watch the games on TV and laugh at the crazy people sitting in the stands.

This sample has CM inserted in the paragraph. The underlined sentences are CM or contain CM.

Watching a high school football game outside in winter is insane. For example, the cold temperatures make steam rise from the football players who have gotten hot playing the game. All you have to do to realize the extent of the freezing temperatures is watch the steam rising from their heads when they take off their helmets on the sidelines. When they get set on the line of scrimmage, they make it look like a fire was just put out on the field. In addition, everyone who comes to the game is bundled up so that they can keep warm throughout the game. Although this is the goal, it rarely works. The cold has a way of seeping in and settling into your bones, despite the amount of clothing and blankets you are wrapped in. Furthermore, when there are lots of people out for a game, lines start to form everywhere. If you want a warm hot dog or cup of coffee, it is ages before it is your turn to get your food. By the time you get back to your seat, everything is cold and therefore, lost most of its purpose. In winter, I prefer to watch the games on TV and laugh at the crazy people sitting in the stands.

Discover CDs and CM

• CD – Juliet has a white dress and wings. Romeo is wearing armor. The two are at a party.

• CM – This scene is a cliché. Juliet’s wings suggest Romeo sees her as an angel. Romeo’s armor creates a literal image of a knight in shining armor who has come to save Juliet from Paris and her obtrusive family.

Discover CD and CM

Discover CD and CM

Discover CD and CM

Discover CD and CM

Discover CD and CM