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Communication Strategies

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Courseware Version: 3.0

TABLE OF CONTENTS

How to Use This Guide.................................................................................................1Session One: Course Overview....................................................................................2Session Two: Creating Positive Relationships...............................................................6Session Three: Growing Our Self-Awareness................................................................9

Do You Question Your Competence?...................................................................................................9Developing Confidence.......................................................................................................................11

Session Four: Communication Basics.........................................................................12Session Five: Communication Barriers.......................................................................15

Case Study: New Neighbors................................................................................................................15Common Barriers...............................................................................................................................16Applying the Answers.........................................................................................................................18Being Mindful.....................................................................................................................................20

Session Six: Asking Questions....................................................................................21

Asking Good Questions......................................................................................................................21Probing...............................................................................................................................................23Pushing My Buttons............................................................................................................................25

Session Seven: Listening Skills...................................................................................26

Can You Hear Me?..............................................................................................................................26How Do You Rate Your Listening Ability?...........................................................................................28Active Listening Skills..........................................................................................................................30What is Said and What is Heard.........................................................................................................33Communication Situations.................................................................................................................34

Session Eight: Body Language...................................................................................36

What Do Our Bodies Say?...................................................................................................................36Gestures.............................................................................................................................................41

Session Nine: Communication Styles.........................................................................46

Dichotomies in Theory.......................................................................................................................46Dichotomies in Action........................................................................................................................49

Session Ten: Creating a Positive Self-Image..............................................................54

Seven Things People Determine from Your Appearance....................................................................54Pre-Assignment Review......................................................................................................................55Self-Evaluation....................................................................................................................................56

Session Eleven: Frame of Reference..........................................................................57Session Twelve: Techniques for the Workplace..........................................................59

Prepare, Prepare, Prepare..................................................................................................................59Testing Our Theories..........................................................................................................................61Delivering Your Message....................................................................................................................62

Session Thirteen: Assertiveness.................................................................................63

Self-Attitude.......................................................................................................................................63

Case Study: A Negative Image............................................................................................................66The Assertive Formula........................................................................................................................67Expressing Your No.............................................................................................................................69

Recommended Reading List.......................................................................................71Post-Course Assessment............................................................................................72Pre- and Post-Assessment Answer Keys.....................................................................74Personal Action Plan...................................................................................................75


How to Use This Guide

This Self Study Guide is designed and laid out in a way that will guide student learning much in the same way that an instructor would. This workbook is comprised of modules called Sessions. Each Session focuses on a major concept in the course.

In each Session, we have included short-answer and (in some instances) multiple choice questions which relate directly to the Session material. Throughout the guide, you can take the opportunity to internalize what you have learned by completing the self-reflection exercises entitled “Making Connections.”

2005-2011, Velsoft Training Materials Inc.

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Session One: Course Overview

Course Overview

Have you ever wondered why it seems so difficult to talk with some people, yet so easy to talk with others? Can you recall an occasion where you met someone for the first time and immediately liked that person? Something about the individual made you feel comfortable.

A major goal of this workshop is to help you understand the impact your communication skills have on other people. You will also explore how improving these skills can make it easier for you to get along in the workplace, and in life.

Learning Objectives

At the end of this workshop, you will be able to:o Identify common communication problems that may be holding you backo Develop skills to ask questions that give you information you needo Learn what your non-verbal messages are telling otherso Develop skills to listen actively and empathetically to otherso Enhance your ability to handle difficult situationso Deal with situations assertively

Why did you take this course? Use this opportunity to consider your personal learning objectives and reasons for taking this course.


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Pre-Assignment

Take a look through a magazine or catalog; something you can cut up. Based purely on image, cut out two photos of people who you think would be good managers/employees/clients, and two photos of people you think would be poor managers/employees/clients. Number each photo from one to four.


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Pre-Test

1. Fidgeting, doodling, or slouching in the chair can be signs of:a. Boredomb. Lack of interestc. Fatigued. All of the above

2. How many muscles does it take to smile?a. 6b. 14c. 72

3. What is an open question?a. A question that is open for interpretationb. A question that is used to open a speechc. A question that will get a simple answer like yes or nod. A question that encourages people to talk

4. Which of the following is an indication that someone is an active listener?a. They give non-verbal cues like nodding their headb. They say things like “OK,” “Go on,” etc.c. They paraphrase what was said to them d. They ask questions for clarificatione. All of the above

5. True or False: Eye contact with your audience while speaking builds trust.

6. Which of the following is the term given to the phrase “Do unto others as they do unto you?”

a. The Boomerang Ruleb. The Golden Rulec. The Reciprocal Ruled. The Diamond Rule

7. True or False: When trying to persuade someone, clients will often believe written words more than verbal words.

8. True or False: You don’t have to be sensitive to others in order to be a good communicator.


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9. Which of the following situations would require the use of a question?a. Getting informationb. Soliciting opinionsc. Focusing a conversationd. All of the above

10. True or False: With practice I can become better at remembering names.


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Session Two: Creating Positive Relationships

Creating positive relationships takes work, but like any skill, we can learn how to build these relationships by considering useful techniques and then making a decision to apply them. While we often think of communication as a coding and decoding process, we can also consider how communication is also a process of constructing meaning out of messages.

In this session, we will look at ten quick things that you can do to help develop positive relationships. You will have an opportunity to evaluate what you are doing now and what you might want to work on. We’ll also talk about the power of words to build you up.

Ten Quick Wins

One winning communication strategy is to always develop positive relationships with people. Most of us want to do well in life and work, and we want to look forward to our day, not get out of bed with a feeling dreadful or apprehensive.

If you add these ten tips to your toolkit, you will build stronger, positive relationships. 1. Speak to people: There is nothing as nice as a cheerful word of greeting.2. Smile at people: It takes 72 muscles to frown, but only 14 to smile.3. Call people by name: The sweetest music to anyone’s ears is the sound of their own

name used properly and positively.4. Be friendly and helpful: To make a friend, you have to be a friend.5. Be cordial: Speak and act as if everything you do is a genuine pleasure.6. Be genuinely interested in people: You can find things to like in almost anybody if you

try.7. Be generous with praise, cautious with criticism.8. Be considerate with the feelings of others. There are usually three sides to a

controversy: yours, the other person’s, and the truth.9. Be alert to give service: What counts most in life is what we do for others.10. Practice your positive sense of humor: The kind that is about telling funny stories about

yourself, not other people.

None of these techniques are rocket science, but our ability to apply them sometimes slips away from us.


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Making Connections

On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your present ability to carry out these 10 strategies on a daily basis?

1. ________________2. ________________3. ________________4. ________________5. ________________6. ________________7. ________________8. ________________9. ________________10. ________________

Name one area that you want to improve in.

Outline a plan for improvement.


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The Power of Words

Words are the building blocks of good communication, but from them, we still have to build meaning. Throughout our lives, we can challenge ourselves with learning new and better ways and words with which to enhance our communication with others.

Words are very important in our efforts to communicate with others.

Use the space below to replace some common self-defeating talk with uplifting words.

Self-Defeating Talk Uplifting Talk

There is nothing we can do.

They won’t allow that.

I can’t…

I must…

If only…


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Session Three: Growing Our Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is all about what it sounds like: growing wiser about who we are and the things that we like and do not like. When we become more self-aware, we can also consider other people and how they feel or sense things.

In this session, we will assess our self-awareness according to how skilled we are at communicating, and whether there is something holding us back. You will have an opportunity to think about some ways that you can boost your self-confidence.

Do You Question Your Competence?

Our confidence in our ability to express ourselves well and to keep our composure in difficult situations can be a crucial asset in the workplace. None of us wants to look foolish or spend a lot of time being anxious. If we are frequently anxious about making mistakes, or looking foolish, we limit our own strength.

Complete the following quiz to shed some light on your feelings.

Yes No

I’m concerned that I’m not effective enough when dealing with my supervisor or my co-workers.

After I’ve had a conversation with someone, I sometimes worry if I’ve said anything that could be construed as offensive.

I am frequently in a position of trying to counteract a bad impression I believe I’ve made.

I rarely worry about being considered by others as misinformed or ignorant on things.

When I’m in social situations, I’m not concerned about following rules of etiquette or being self-conscious.

I tend to fret that others may think I don’t know what I’m doing.

I fear that others may not see me as adequately disciplined.

I usually wonder whether my co-workers think that I’m not putting enough time and energy into my job.


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I avoid criticizing someone else’s judgment for fear of appearing in the wrong.

I tend to worry that others will laugh at my ideas.

There are no right and wrong answers to this questionnaire. It is a tool to give you an idea about how you feel about your communication skills. Throughout the course, we will present techniques and tools to help you be a stronger communicator.


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Developing Confidence

When it comes to communicating, we can be hampered by our own fears of failure or embarrassment not necessarily because we lack expertise in communication, but because we lack confidence in ourselves.

In order to get better at communicating, there are a few things that we can do to develop confidence.

Fake it until you make it.Be confident, even if you aren’t. Don’t fabricate the truth to cover what you don’t know, but act braver than you feel. Your brain won’t know the difference, and after a while you will find yourself feeling braver.

Be well prepared.If you are speaking to someone, fear of embarrassing yourself might make you stumble. Make sure you have all the facts, figures, and details that you need.

Learn how to relax.Whether you are going into a conversation or presenting at a meeting, learn how to relax so that you can enjoy what you are doing. Visualization techniques, deep breathing, practicing your material, and a good brisk walk can all help us unwind.

Be consistent.If you want to develop credibility among your peers, they must be able to trust you. Make sure that your non-verbal messages (your body language) support what you are saying, and that your face and voice match your messages. Saying, “It’s nice to meet you,” with your eyes downcast, a slumped body posture, and depressed vocal tone will not make anyone feel welcome.


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Session Four: Communication Basics

Since we’re talking about communication, it makes sense to define it. You might know someone who is an excellent verbal communicator, but not so much in writing. Or you might know an excellent writer who is a terrible speaker. How is it that people get good in one area and not another?

In this session we’ll talk about what it takes to be considered a skilled communicator and what people have done to develop those skills.

Defining a Skilled Communicator

What is your definition of a skilled communicator?

Think of a time when you are at your best as a communicator. What do you do? How do you act?


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Think of a time when you are at your worst as a communicator. What do you do? How do you act?

Making Connections

Think of someone you know who is an excellent communicator. What makes that person stand out to you?

What things are they doing that we could learn from?


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Do you also see things in them that they could learn to make themselves even better at communicating?

From this analysis, identify one thing that you can do to be a better communicator.


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Session Five: Communication Barriers

Now that we have a good idea of what it takes to be a skilled communicator, we also need to consider some of the things that get in the way of good communication. These barriers can occur for many reasons. Having a way to deal with them is an important skill for strong communication.

In this session, we’ll explore communication barriers and what our own preferences have to do with our expertise in communicating.

Case Study: New Neighbors

You’ve taken a job working in a manufacturing plant in a fictional city called Midland. It is about a four hour flight from where you currently live. You and your family are able to find a nice home to rent and you are happy to notice that the couple living next door is approximately your age. The afternoon you move in, you and your family go next door to introduce yourselves to your neighbors. Although they are polite, they don’t seem very friendly. Several days later, while you are preparing dinner for a new associate at work, you run out of sugar and rush next door to borrow a cup. Again you receive a polite but cool reception from your neighbor.

What is the problem?


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Common Barriers

ExperienceThis barrier comes from one person always sharing their own experience, and not allowing others to provide input. This can also occur when a newer employee meets existing staff and feels that they need to prove themselves independently, instead of listening to or respecting the experience of their new colleagues.

EmotionsAnger can stop up from hearing what someone says. Love can cloud our judgment.

BackgroundIf someone comes from a very wealthy or very poor background, we might make judgments about them. People can also make judgments based on the area that a person is from.

AttitudesThese can stop us from hearing, observing, and perceiving the truth. A negative attitude can prevent someone from adapting to a change. An overly optimistic attitude can stop someone from seeing what is really going on.

CultureIf we do not have respect for what other cultures contribute, or the positive attributes of our own culture, people experience discrimination.

Subject KnowledgeIf one person tries to push their knowledge on others, resentment can arise. On the other hand, if someone pretends to have knowledge and is lying, they will lose credibility and erode trust.

PrejudicePrejudices are another thing that can cloud our judgment. If I think that all people who live in Midland are lazy ne’er do wells, none of them will ever be good enough, in my estimation. Examine what triggers your prejudices (and why you have these thoughts) in order to deal with them.

MoodIf we are tired, grumpy, or feeling upset, it’s possible we won’t hear others or want to engage with anyone. If we are excited and joyful about things and interrupting other people’s work, it’s possible they won’t get things done either.


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WordingHow do you feel when someone starts an e-mail without a greeting? If this is also your style, it might be fine because there are no wasted words in the e-mail. Other people might feel that the tone is abrupt for no reason, or that the writer is angry at them.

EducationIf I am intimidated because someone approaches me and they have a lot more education than I do, even though they are asking me for help, I might become nervous, short tempered, etc.

Noise LevelIf there is a lot of noise around and I don’t hear properly, I’m not likely to get the entire message.

AmbiguityClear language helps to remove uncertainty and avoid confusion.

Non-Verbal MessagesNon-verbal messages can convey a lot of meaning, even if you aren’t saying anything. If I enter your office and you turn your back to me, I will know you don’t want to talk to me, even though I need to speak with you.

Hearing DifficultiesIn order for messages to be understood, we need to express ourselves. For listeners who are hard of hearing, we may give up before they have understood, or we may avoid calling them in order to avoid having to take extra steps to make sure that they hear us.


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Applying the Answers

What are some of the things that can be done in your organization/department to communicate better?

Are these physical or mental activities?

Are these individual or team activities?

If your organization/department were a zoo, what kind of inhabitants would it have?


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Being Mindful

It’s important to be sensitive to the needs of others and to pay attention to your surroundings. This will help you communicate the right way each time. Let’s take a moment to think about being mindful.

What work-related resources might you take for granted?

What are the dangers if we take resources (including people) for granted?

What can we gain by paying attention to these things?


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Session Six: Asking Questions

One of our in-house trainers describes the best boss she ever had as someone who asked the most challenging questions. Those questions led to valuable discussions that never would have been considered without his ability to create open-ended, provocative questions.

In this session, we will learn about the different types of questions and how to probe for additional information to allow for complete exploration.

Asking Good Questions

Two of the most basic elements of good communication are asking questions and listening to others. Some of us naturally ask a lot of questions, while for others this is a learned skill. We can plan questions prior to meetings or conversations as a way to ensure our questions have thought and depth to them.

There are two kinds of questions: open and closed.

Closed questions are those that can be answered by either “yes” or “no,” or with a specific bit of data, such as your name, date of birth, or occupation. These questions restrict our responses and give us little opportunity to develop our thoughts before answering. As a result, these questions require very little effort on either person’s part. They can be used (intentionally or unintentionally) as a way to close down a conversation.

Closed questions tend to get over-used, in part because they are so easy to work with. They are easy to phrase and we get quick answers. This type of questioning can cause us to make assumptions as we create fuller answers in our minds, and assumptions can be big barriers to good communication.

Open questions, on the other hand, encourage people to talk. These questions are phrased so they cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. Open questions often begin with a variation of the five W’s (who, what, when, where, why), or can ask how.

Open-ended questions can be used to:o Get informationo Focus conversationso Solicit opinionso Gain consensus


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The unintentional use of a closed question can often be overcome by simply following it with a short open question. For example:

o "Do you feel that was the right thing to do?"o "Yes, I do."o "Can you help me understand why you feel that way?"

Here is an example of a closed question: o Do you like ice cream?

Replacing it with an open question provides us with more information:o What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?

The first question will only tell us whether the person likes ice cream or not. That’s a closed situation. The second question will let us know a little bit about the person. It could also lead to follow up questions depending on their answer. Questions that are open ended will help us learn more about the people we speak with, establish things that we have in common, develop rapport, and make meaningful connections.

It is possible for you to ask someone an open question and for them to be evasive or try to shut the conversation down. Children are famous for this when a parent says, “What did you learn at school today?” and they reply, “Nothing.” One of your team members may come see you after a meeting, and you say,” How’d the meeting go?” and they say, “Fine.” If you want to engage them, you’ll have to ask a follow up question. Some examples:

o What was the most interesting point raised in the meeting (or at school)? o What were the challenges that we need to consider? o What questions did the group ask?

There are several different types of open-ended questions. We can ask leading questions to influence how people think (“Don’t you just love the way vanilla ice cream smells?”). Rhetorical questions are ones that we don’t really want an answer to, such as “Do I look like I care?” Rhetorical questions can be used to engage your conversation partner and make them think about the obvious answer. (They may also be something that you blurt out because you are thinking out loud!) A rhetorical question can engage the listener in a persuasive manner as they process your ideas.

Probing questions can also help you to investigate in more detail.


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Probing

Many people are better at presenting their own point of view than they are at drawing out information from others. Your role as a good communicator is to draw out information from the individual that will help you understand the issue. A good name for this skill of gathering information from others is probing.

When you probe, you:o Get others involved and participating. Since probes are designed to produce a

response, it’s unlikely the other person will remain passive.o Get important information on the table. People may not volunteer information, or

the information they present may not be clear. Your probes help people open up and present or clarify their information.

o Force yourself to listen. Since probes are most effective in a sequence, you have to listen to a person’s response.

o Help improve communication on both sides of the table.

There are five ways to probe.

One of the most common ways of probing is to ask an open question, such as: o “Can you describe that more clearly?” o “Would you give me a specific example of what you mean?” o “What do you think we should do?”

The difficulty here is that if you ask too many of these probing questions, the other person begins to feel like they are being interrogated. Be thoughtful about what and how you ask. Consider how many probes you really need to offer.

A second, very effective way of probing is a pause. Stop talking. Let the other person fill the silence.

A third way is to ask a reflective or mirroring question. For example, let’s say the person has just said, “What I really want is more variety in my work.” You may respond by just reflecting back to them, “Variety?” The reflective question usually provides you with an expanded answer without you needing to ask more questions. Of course, it is best used in conjunction with a pause.

Reflective questions or statements focus on clarifying and summarizing without interrupting the flow of the conversation. They indicate your intent to understand the sender’s thoughts and feelings.


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A fourth method that is particularly useful to make certain you understand what has just been said is paraphrasing in your own words. An example: “So if I understand you correctly, you…”

You can use this response to show that you want to increase the accuracy of your understanding of what has just been said. You may also want to use it to ensure the sender hears what he has just said. Finally, paraphrasing reassures the sender that you are trying to understand what they are saying.

The last method, most often used as a conversation is winding down, is the summary question. Example: “You have tried ignoring the scent of your colleague’s cologne, you have talked with him about how it affects your allergies, and you have tried shutting your door to keep the scent from your workspace. None of these has worked and now you are asking me to intervene. Have I got it right?”


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Pushing My Buttons

Pick one of the following statements:o I’m really nervous about speaking in public.o I am looking for a new car, and I hate car shopping. o I really hate my job.o I think this city is too hot.o I really dislike cooking.o You’re not very good at your job.o I don’t like the way you speak to me.o I think the report you wrote is terrible.o Your new hair cut isn’t flattering.o I wish I didn’t have to go to that meeting tomorrow.

If someone said this to you, what questions would you use to probe for more information? Try to list at least five good probing statements or questions.


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Session Seven: Listening Skills

Listening, like asking questions, is a skill that can be learned. As we communicate with people, listening is a gift that we can give to them in order to really hear what it is they have to say. Listening well also help you to build trust and relationships with people.

In this session we will explore the differences between listening and hearing, and learn what can get in the way of effective listening. You will also be asked to think about how this information can be applied in everyday situations.

Can You Hear Me?

Read each of the following paragraphs once and then immediately answer the question below it.

Example OneI’m walking in the woods and looking at my surroundings in wonder. It’s a gorgeous, warm day. There are all kinds of dainty wildflowers growing along the edges of the path. I’ve got my backpack over my shoulders, and a roll of the softest toilet paper there is, just in case there are no outhouses available, or the outhouses don’t have any toilet paper. I am always prepared, just like a boy scout, or just like my mother always told me I should be. Ready. For anything.

Question: What was growing along the edges of the path where I was walking?

Example TwoI’m at a networking meeting, and there are some people here that I know and others that I don’t. I am a shy person, but I would really like to meet the new vice president of marketing, Richard Stewart, who is a key connection for my department. I wonder if there is anyone here who could introduce me. I see John Franks has arrived, but he’s got people almost lined up to see him. Scott Parks, from the computer support section, is also here. Scott and I get along. Oh, and there is my boss, Jane Almond. I will ask her to introduce me to the new vice president. This will be a perfect introduction.

Question: What is the new vice president’s name?


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Example ThreeI need to order some new computers, a printer, and a fax machine for our department. This will be a complicated process that I haven’t fully worked out yet, since this is the first time I’ve had to use our procurement process. I will have to arrange to speak with the procurement manager, David Strauss, but have to contact his assistant Troy first. Then I will have to file some paperwork that has to be signed off by my manager, Georgia Franks. This all has to be submitted by Friday the 7th if I want it here by the end of the following month, since it is a seven week process.

Question: What is it that you want to order?

Example FourSometimes being the boss is the last thing that I want. It is our third anniversary of being in business tomorrow. Anniversaries are not a big thing to me, but our staff expects something to be done, so I need to step up and look after it. I guess I could have started thinking about this earlier, but now I am rushed and I have to come up with something. I suppose cake is a good idea. Balloons might work, although with all the machinery around, maybe that’s a bad idea. Why didn’t I delegate this to someone like my assistant? He is way better at this stuff than me, but I should have thought about this earlier.

Question: Which anniversary is this story about?

Example Five“This is an exciting time for ABC Company, who is now ready to expand their business and open their second location with a huge party.” I wrote this statement as an opener for our press release, but I am not sure that it’s any good. Did I include the 5 W’s and How? No? Okay, let’s re-write the statement to include the missing W’s or how, whichever is missing.

Question: Which of the five W’s and the H are we missing?


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How Do You Rate Your Listening Ability?

One reason listening is so important is that we do so much of it every day. We know that good communicators spend far more of their time listening than they do talking. Like asking questions, listening is a skill that we can develop. In an age when we are inundated with media messages and portable devices, we can choose to be listening more than people did in the past. Answer each of the following questions.

Question Yes No Points

1. Do you enjoy listening?

2. Is it easy for you to listen with interest to a large variety of subjects?

3. Do your friends seek you out to discuss a problem or decision when they need help?

4. Does your attention usually stray toward other groups or people entering or leaving the room?

5. Do you interrupt?

6. Are you more apt to be thinking ahead to what you will say next rather than weighing what you are being told?

7. Do you stop listening to everything when you strongly disagree with the speaker on one point?

8. Do you assume or anticipate regarding the other person’s views?

9. Do you feel you can judge most people quite quickly before hearing them out?

10. Do you generalize (All old people think… all redheads… all college kids…)?

11. Do you encourage others to elaborate or clarify points you have misunderstood?

12. Do you listen to what is not said, such as the obvious omission?

GRAND TOTAL


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Scoring

o Give yourself 2 points if you answered “Yes” for question 1. You enjoy listening as much as you enjoy talking.

o Give yourself 2 points if you answered “No” to questions 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.o Give yourself 2 points if you answered “Yes” to questions 2, 3, 11, and 12.

Interpretation

If your score is 20 or more, you've already developed some strong communication skills. You have the ability to listen to people, understand what they are saying, and communicate your understanding back to them. Use your listening and communication skills to help others.

If your score is between 10 and 18, you're within the average range. Use this quiz to help you identify where you’re doing well and where you would like to do better.

If your score is less than 10, it’s time to start learning! Use this quiz to help you set some goals. Start with one or two things that you would like to improve on, such as empathizing, paraphrasing, or asking good questions. Then, we’ll work on setting an action plan, and you’ll be on the road to being a better listener, and a better communicator.


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Active Listening Skills

The problem is that listening and hearing are not the same thing. Most of us were fortunate to be born with hearing, but listening is a skill that must be learned and practiced in order to use it successfully. When you hear something, sound enters your eardrum, passes through your ear canal, and registers in your brain. Listening is what you do with that sound and how you interpret it.

Here are some tips for successful listening:o Listen intentionally for people’s names. o Listen with interest.o Try to get rid of your assumptions.o Listen for what isn’t said.

Listening is hard work. When other people are listening to us, they have the same difficulties we do in trying to focus on a message. Our minds wander, noises or thoughts distract us, and we can be thinking about what to do next.

Active listening means that we try to understand things from the speaker’s point of view. It includes letting the speaker know that we are listening and that we have understood what was said. This is not the same as hearing, which is a physical process, where sound enters the eardrum and messages are passed to the brain. Active listening can be described as an attitude that leads to listening for shared understanding.

When we make a decision to listen for total meaning, we listen for the content of what is being said as well as the attitude behind what is being said. Is the speaker happy, angry, excited, sad…or something else entirely?

Responding to Feelings

The content (the words spoken) is one thing, but the way that people feel really gives full value to the message. Responding to the speaker’s feelings adds an extra dimension to listening. Are they disgusted and angry or in love and excited? Perhaps they are ambivalent! These are all feelings that you can reply to in your part of the conversation.


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Reading Cues

Really listening means that we are also very conscious of the non-verbal aspects of the conversation.

o What are the speaker’s facial expressions, hand gestures, and posture telling us? o Is their voice loud or shaky? o Are they stressing certain points? o Are they mumbling or having difficulty finding the words they want to say?

Demonstration Cues

When you are listening to someone, these techniques will show a speaker that you are paying attention, provided you are genuine in using them.

Physical indicators include making eye contact, nodding your head from time to time, and leaning into the conversation.

You can also give verbal cues or use phrases such as “Uh-huh,” “Go on,” “Really!” and, “Then what?”

You can use questions for clarification or summarizing statements. Examples: o “Do you mean they were charging $4.00 for just a cup of coffee?” o “So after you got a cab, got to the store, and found the right sales clerk, what

happened then?”


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Tips for Becoming a Better Listener

o Make a decision to listen. Close your mind to clutter and noise and look at the person speaking with you. Give them your undivided attention.

o Don’t interrupt people. Make it a habit to let them finish what they are saying. Respect that they have thoughts they are processing and speaking about, and wait to ask questions or make comments until they have finished.

o Keep your eyes focused on the speaker and your ears tuned to their voice. Don’t let your eyes wander around the room, just in case your attention does too.

o Carry a notebook or start a conversation file on your computer. Write down all the discussions that you have in a day. Capture the subject, who spoke more (were you listening or doing a lot of the talking?), what you learned in the discussion, as well as the who, what, when, where, why, and how aspects of it. Once you have conducted this exercise 8-10 times, you will be able to see what level your listening skills are currently at.

o Ask a few questions throughout the conversation. When you ask, people will know that you are listening to then, and that you are interested in what they have to say. Your ability to summarize and paraphrase will also demonstrate that you heard them.

o When you demonstrate good listening skills, they tend to be infectious. If you want people to communicate well at work, you have to set a high example.


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What is Said and What is Heard

What we say isn’t always what the other person hears. Our message goes through a complicated system of filters and outside influences before it reaches the recipient. We must always clarify that the person has received the message that we intended to send.


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Communication Situations

Here are some common situations that can make communication difficult. We have offered some tips for handling each situation. Try to add at least one tip of your own to each situation.

You are in a noisy workplaceMove to a quieter location, such as a meeting room with a door you can close.

There are visual distractions Move to a less distracting environment. Turn your back to your computer screen, or have a conversation corner in your office that is away from your computer, or where a television screen won’t catch your eye.

You feel really tiredAdmit that you aren’t feeling your best and are too tired to focus. Reschedule the conversation if possible.

The other person has a very strong accentAdmit that you are having trouble with hearing what they say. Respectfully ask them to slow down or help you in some other way, so that you can understand them.


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The other person is speaking too fast for you to understand, or too slowly or softlyAdmit that you are having trouble following them because they are speaking so quickly (or slowly or softly). Respectfully ask them to change the pace.

The other person keeps using jargon words or terms you don’t understandPolitely interrupt. Let them know you are not familiar with a term or expression and ask them to explain.

The other person appears to be very stressedMention their behavior, and that you have noticed it. Ask how you can help.

The other person uses emotionally charged words or statementsMention the behavior. Use your skills at conflict resolution or difficult conversations to depersonalize the conversation and de-escalate the situation.

The other person is verbally attacking youCall the behavior for what it is. You can stop the conversation and walk away if people continue the barrage.


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Session Eight: Body Language

Physical comedy is a great way to add meaning to a message. Watching someone fall down, trip over a mysterious object, or end up all messy are all things that can lead to laughter. While we aren’t that obvious in the workplace, it’s pretty clear that our body language can add a lot to our communication.

In this session, we will learn about misconceptions of body language while we explore the physical aspects of conversations, as well as the use of gestures.

What Do Our Bodies Say?

In significant (though often misinterpreted) research, Albert Mehrabian found that when it came to discussing emotions, only 7% of the speaker’s message was communicated by words, and that tone of voice was responsible for about 38% of the meaning and body language about 55%. This means that the words themselves played only a very small part in conveying meaning. In other conversations (not the ones about emotions), we know that tone of voice and body language have a large impact on those messages, too.

(Source: Silent Messages” by Albert Mehrabian)

We are always sending signals to others, whether we like it or not. Body language combined with vocal tone can override or even cancel the meaning of the words we say. If you want your messages understood, make sure your words and your body are sending congruent signals.

Here are some things to keep in mind about body language:o Your eyes, eyebrows, and mouth send out the signals that can make a world of

difference.o People who smile are happier than those who don't. Smiling releases a chemical in

your brain that makes you feel good. It's a great way to establish a rapport with listeners.

o Eye contact helps you carry your message to each person in the audience. It builds trust.

o Learn to speak with your hands. Draw lines in the air, make a point, count on your fingers, and emphasize length and width.

o Work on appearing sincere and comfortable.o Let your hands do what they want to do, as long as they don't get in your pockets,

fiddle with an object, or make obscene gestures to your audience.o Your body posture affects your emotions and how you feel determines your

posture. If you are confident, happy and ready, your body will show it.


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One of the most important things you can do with body language is learn how to recognize cues from people that indicate you are making them uncomfortable. Ask yourself if you are doing what you can to make the other person comfortable. Do you fidget, chew gum, click a pen, or check your watch frequently? Are there other things that you do? If so, what message do you think you are sending?

If your conversation partner is doing any of these things while you talk, what could be going on? o Rockingo Leg swingingo Tapping

These are the first signals of tension and indicate that the person feels intruded upon or nervous. If it escalates, these signals are often followed by:

o Intermittent closing of the eyes o Slight tucking of the chin into the chesto Shoulder hunching

If you sensitize yourself to these simple cues, over time, people will have the experience of feeling more relaxed, at ease, and open with you (and to you).

Basically, learn to watch for signals, and then adjust your approach. Sometimes just taking one step back, or ceasing talking and getting the other person to talk to you instead, will be all it takes to ease the tension.


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The Signals People Send

The chart below can be used as a guide to help you with some of the signals that people send.

Non-Verbal Communication Interpretation

Facial Expressions

Frown Displeasure, unhappiness

Smile Friendliness, happiness

Raised eyebrows Disbelief, amazement

Narrowed eyes Anger

Blushing Embarrassment

Eye Contact

Glancing Lack of interest

Steady Active listening, interest, seduction

Hand/Arm Gestures

Pointing finger Authority, displeasure, lecturing

Folded arms Not open to change, preparing to speak

Arms at side Open to suggestions, relaxed

Hands uplifted outward Disbelief, puzzlement, uncertainty

Body Postures

Fidgeting, doodling Boredom

Hands on hips Anger, defensiveness


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Shrugging shoulders Indifference

Squared stance or shoulders Problem-solving, concern, listening

Biting lip, shifting, jingling money Nervousness

Sitting on edge of chair Listening, great concern

Slouching in chair Boredom, lack of interest

Clothing

Business dress Authoritative, conservative

Sloppy attire Disrespect, lack of responsibility

Casual clothes Relaxation

Proxemics (Physical Space)

From physical contact to 18 inches Intimate space

From 18 inches to 4 feet Personal space

From 4 feet to 8 feet Social space

From 8 feet outward Public space

Voice Characteristics

Speaking loudly, quickly, and with clipped enunciation Anger

Monotone and downward inflection Boredom

High pitch, fast rate, loud volume, and upward Inflection Joy


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Status Symbols

Rare or expensive possessions High status

Prestigious titles High status


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Gestures

We all interpret body language differently, and we can also feel differently about images. We are influenced by past experiences, background, culture, and so on. Our feelings may be colored by our mood, or by memories associated with these images, so we cannot assume that others will interpret our body language correctly.

A gesture is a type of non-verbal communication that is communicated through body language, with or without speech. Gestures can be a challenging part of communication. If you travel around the world or work with people from different cultures, you need to be aware of the multiple meanings to some gestures. While finger pointing is tolerated in some societies, it is a serious insult in others. While putting your feet up on a coffee table is a sign of relaxation at home, it can be very offensive to your guests if the bottoms of your feet are directed at someone.


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Look at the images below. Beside each one, write what you think is happening and what it means to you.

Illustration What is happening? How do you feel about it?


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What are some other ways that these images could be interpreted?


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Session Nine: Communication Styles

A dichotomy is when something is divided into two non-overlapping parts or opinions. Different groups can be discussed in terms of their preferences in communication styles, and knowledge of those dichotomies will help you develop more sophisticated communication skills.

In this session, we will explore communication styles as you consider each side of a dichotomy. You will think about your own preferences and the preferences of others, and how this can make you a better communicator.

Dichotomies in Theory

Understanding Dichotomies

Differences among groups of people can be identified by marked preferences among pairs of opposites like those in the following list. We will call these pairs of words “dichotomies.” Some examples:

o Cooperative and Competitiveo Assertive and Passiveo Direct and Indirecto Individualistic and Team-orientedo Optimistic and Pessimistic

Most people's preference is shaped partly by the groups they belong to and the people they associate with, rather than by logical analysis and decision making. In addition, communication can be direct or indirect.

Think of direct communication as what you say, such as, “You have spinach in your teeth.”

Indirect communication can be subtler messages (“Check your smile!”) or even gestures and body language (tapping your teeth while making eye contact, for example).


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Making Connections

Do you prefer direct or indirect communication?

Why do you think you feel this way?

How do you communicate with others?


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Advantages and Disadvantages

Both modes of communication have some advantages and disadvantages.

Advantages of the direct mode of communication:o People easily understand what you are saying.o You don't waste time being sensitive about people’s feelings.o You are more likely to produce a desired change in behavior.

Disadvantages of the direct mode of communication:o Some people may think that you are rude and impatient.o The listener may reject your feedback because they feel that you are unfairly

focusing on only one part of their behavior.o Your honest feedback and straightforward language may hurt the listener’s feelings.o It may damage your relationship with the other person.

Advantages of the indirect mode of communication:o You will not alienate too many of your listeners.o You will appear to be sensitive and considerate.o You will balance constructive feedback about undesirable behavior with praise for

desirable behavior.

Disadvantages of the indirect mode of communication:o Listeners may not understand what point you are trying to make.o People may misunderstand your message.o Listeners may exploit a vague message for their personal benefit.


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Dichotomies in Action

Step One

Choose three of these dichotomy pairs.o abstract - concreteo accommodating - competingo active - passiveo animated - lethargico arrogant - humbleo assertive - meeko attached - detachedo big picture - detailso cooperative - competitiveo decisive - indecisiveo deep - shallowo direct - indirecto factual - intuitiveo formal - informalo harmonious - disruptiveo hesitant - impulsiveo individualistic - team orientedo listening - talkingo objective - subjectiveo optimistic - pessimistico organized - chaotico patient - impatiento personal - impersonalo playful - seriouso realistic - idealistico reflective - impulsiveo simple - complexo structured - flexibleo taking turns - interruptingo tense - relaxedo yes, and - yes, but


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Step Two

List the advantages and disadvantages or examples of each side of each dichotomy.

Dichotomy One: _____________________

Advantages Disadvantages

Side A:

Side B:


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Dichotomy Two: _____________________


Side A:

Side B:


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Dichotomy Three: _____________________


Side A:

Side B:


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Step Three

What can you conclude from this exercise?

How can you use this exercise to become more empathetic and a better communicator?


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Session Ten: Creating a Positive Self-Image

Some people give little thought to their image, while others seem to focus on it exclusively. While dressing well can be inconvenient at times (since dry cleaning, ironing, and fabric care take some time and money), it can do great things for your career.

In this session, we will discuss how self-image influences your results, and what you can do to improve your self-image with your career in mind.

Seven Things People Determine from Your Appearance

Another element of our communication with others is our image of ourselves and our awareness of how others see us. This is a big part of our ability to give feedback to, and take feedback from, others.

While it may not seem fair or accurate, people do make judgments based on your appearance. If you take a deep look inside yourself, you probably judge people by their appearance too. In general, we tend to assume seven things, just based on appearance alone.

These things include: o Incomeo Educational Levelo Social Positiono Sophisticationo Successo Moral Charactero Trustworthiness


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Pre-Assignment Review

Think back to your pre-assignment. How would your evaluation differ now?

What might people say about you if your picture was in a magazine?

What lessons can we take away from this about self-image and assumptions?


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Self-Evaluation

Part One: Self-AssessmentRead the following questions. Check yes or no for each question.

Yes No

Have you tried to wear your hair in a different way? Some ideas: part it on the other side, straighten it, curl it, color it, or have it buzzed short.

Do your glasses allow for good eye contact to take place?

Do people notice your jewelry?

Are people distracted by your clothing or jewelry?

Do you organize the clothes in your closet so that they are coordinated for easy dressing in the morning?

Are you always neatly groomed? (Includes a daily shower, nails neat and trimmed, clothes clean and pressed, and shoes polished.)

Part Two: A Plan for Change List three habits about your dress and appearance that you want to enhance, strengthen, or eliminate.

1.2.3.

Write out your plan to achieve these changes.


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Session Eleven: Frame of Reference

When we begin a conversation with a plan of what we want to say, it’s kind of like having an outline at the ready. Sometimes, though, that outline is clouded by our frames of reference, and that can interfere with our understanding of messages.

In this session, we will explore what frames of reference can do to help and hinder communication, and what we can do to become more skillful in our interactions.

Your Frame of Reference

A frame of reference is a way in which we judge other people. We all make judgments about people but in order to really get the meaning of what’s going on, we need to be able to suspend those judgments and let their meaning come to us unfettered. A communicator’s ability to suspend their frame of reference is a critical and important skill because it can build their credibility and make them a more effective communicator.

Your frame of reference is made up of your beliefs, assumptions, values, feelings, judgments, emotions, advice, moods, thoughts, biases, and stress levels at any given moment. Because your frame of reference is so personal and so deeply embedded, it is very difficult to practice suspending it on a regular basis. We often interpret reality from our own vantage point and react in a self-serving manner. We have to learn to take others’ points of view and feelings, as well as our own, into consideration.


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Suspending Belief

How can we do this? Try to:o Put others before yourselfo Check things out before jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, or reacting

emotionallyo Give others the benefit of the doubt.

Suspension of belief is especially appropriate when others need to be understood in order for their tension or stress to be defused.

Think about suspending belief in these situations: o A police officer who arrives on a violent scene where everyone has a weapon, but

someone is declaring their innocence. o A scene at work where workers are bullying a co-worker. The person who appears to

be the victim, however, is a known bully. o You put your lunch in the fridge when you arrived at work this morning, but when

you look in your lunch bag, half the lunch is missing. o You reach for the last loaf of bread in the bakery at the same time as someone else.

The other person looks harried, but otherwise very similar to you.


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Session Twelve: Techniques for the Workplace

Why is it that some workplaces seem so engaged and efficient, and others are always struggling? Can communication skills really make a big difference? If you think about writing papers while you were in high school or college, and how strongly your teacher encouraged you to create an outline, you’ll know that it can.

In this session, we’ll learn about effective and efficient ways to approach a conversation, and how a plan can help things to stay on track and be effective.

Prepare, Prepare, Prepare

While not all conversations can be planned ahead (for example, sometimes we bump into someone in a hallway and the conversation starts, or we’re just engaged in casual conversations), there are many conversations that benefit from a plan. When you prepare yourself before initiating a conversation, you are much more likely to deliver an effective message that doesn’t get misunderstood, and to deliver it to the right person.

Have a purpose.Typical purposes for a conversation are to inform or direct, to persuade, or to ask a question.

Have an outcome.Ask yourself a few questions to help you decide how to approach the conversation:

o What reaction are you looking for from the listener?o What do you need the listener to remember? o What do you need the listener to do after your conversation?

Make sure the receiver is ready.Some people resent it when we pounce on them unannounced. Others are much more receptive when you simply ask permission. If you are unsure if someone is ready to talk, try these helpful icebreakers:

o Is this a good time to talk?o Can we talk about something I’ve been thinking about?o Would now be a good time to talk, or should I come back later? o Can I have 15 minutes of your time? (Just make sure you stick to only 15 minutes!)

Apply positive intent.Positive intent means that you have good reasons for saying and doing what you do, and so do other people. If we assume that other people have negative intentions behind their actions, we can create a negative environment where that is the eventual outcome. This can make it very hard to work cooperatively. You will have to practice positive intention yourself and use your


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communication for good intentions, while assuming that others have that same positive intention.

This ultimately means that we avoid making negative assumptions and statements, that we avoid gossip, and that we focus on the future rather than the past.


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Testing Our Theories

Situation One

Your supervisor calls you to say that he has chosen someone else for a project team position that you were hoping for. You love your current job, but you know you would have done a great job on that project team. Your first reaction is to be mad at your boss for being a jerk and not selecting you.

Using positive intent, think of a reason your boss would have selected someone else.

Situation Two

You are in a team meeting and you suggest a great solution to the problem. Your supervisor says that she cannot go in that direction, and asks the team for other suggestions.

Using positive intent, think of a reason your supervisor would have answered that way.


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Delivering Your Message

Often, it’s not so much what you say as how you say it. Let’s look at some ways that you can deliver a clear, effective message.

Use direct language and deliver a message that is clear, calm, and direct. Be confident in your message. This means that your tone of voice, vocabulary, and rate of speech convey your feelings. Be careful not to back down (at least not immediately) if you are discussing something that is important to you. Be considerate of other people’s ideas, but don’t quickly give up on yours, especially when you have it all well thought out.

Factual descriptions and relevant details are more likely to be heard. Look at this generalization: Joe never gets his work finished. Compare it to something specific: Joe has not met his goals for an entire month.

Use repetition respectfully and to keep things on track. Conversations can easily get off track, especially if they get emotional or if someone is trying to steer the conversation away from what you felt was important. Don’t be afraid to restate your purpose during an interaction.

Be as aware of your nonverbal messages as you are about your verbal messages. Also consider other people’s communication style: are they direct or indirect? Passive or assertive? Make sure to also take into account their filters, assumptions, and beliefs. This will help you to keep your message clear.

Check for understanding.You do not have to wait for the end of a conversation to make sure you and your conversation partner understand each other. You can check for understanding throughout the conversation to make sure that things are on track by using some of the following questions or statements.

o What do you think about what I just said? o Let’s summarize what we have covered so far.o Please tell me what you’re thinking. o Does that make sense?o If you were going to share this with the team, what would you say?o What is not making sense here?

Ways to check for understanding:


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Session Thirteen: Assertiveness

How confident are you when it comes to delivering your message? Being assertive means that you know what you want to say, and that you have a message to deliver that is non-judgmental and clear.

In this session, we will discuss the elements of assertive statements. You will then learn a method for delivering statements clearly so that you can get what you want or need.

Self-Attitude

Self-concept, self-image, and self-esteem can all impact the way that we send and receive messages. Individuals with low self-esteem and a negative self-image tend to operate in a passive style. Other people might think that they are superior to everyone else, resulting in an aggressive style. This creates all kinds of interesting conversations!

Words to Watch Out For

If you want to be known for clear communication, avoid words like: o I’ll tryo Ought too Should haveo Musto Always o Never

If you are tempted to insert these words into your conversations, replace them with clearer terms. Instead of “I’ll try to get back to you later,” say “I’ll call you back by 4:00 today” (and then make sure that you do!).

Your Inner Self Talk

Be aware of the internal messages you give yourself. If you start from a negative self-concept and negative expectations, your external behavior will likely be non-assertive and you may end up feeling frustrated or angry. The more you replace your self-talk with positive, confident words, the more confident you become. We know that is easily said, and more difficult to realize, but it’s worth the results! This helps you build credibility and trust with the people you speak with, since your words and actions will be congruent.


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Persuasion

Expecting the best and knowing when to stop talking are probably two of the most important elements of persuading others. If we can’t convince ourselves of something, it will be very difficult for us to persuade others.

Have you ever known another person who talked so much that other people stopped listening? These individuals overwhelm their listeners with conversation, until the listener becomes confused, bored, or both.

Mark Twain used to tell the following story that bears out that point:

“I was attending a meeting where a missionary had been invited to speak. I was deeply impressed. The preacher’s voice was beautiful. He told us about the sufferings of the natives and he pleaded for help with such moving simplicity that I mentally doubled the 50 cents I was about to put in the plate.

“He described the pitiful misery of these poor people and I raised the amount again. Then as he continued, I felt that all the cash I carried on me would be insufficient, so I decided to write a large check.

“Then he went on. That preacher went on and on about the dreadful state of these poor natives and I abandoned the idea of a check. And still he went on. And I got back to a dollar, and then 50 cents. And still he went on. And when the plate finally came round…I took 10 cents out of it!”

The lesson: balance enthusiasm with control.


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Thirty Ways to Persuade

1. Learn to link and connect with individual clients.2. Demonstrate your expertise and knowledge.3. Think fair/fair, not win/lose.4. Be consistent and predictable.5. Make sure integrity is reflected in your standards, values, and behavior.6. Never assume they understand you.7. Never assume they believe you.8. Know when to be silent.9. Tell the truth.10. People believe exact numbers.11. Show you have nothing to gain.12. Flush out problems assertively.13. Clients believe written words over verbal words. (Think about how sales pitches over the

phone might be more suspicious than ones in person.)14. Create an obligation for one or both parties.15. Proceed a bit at a time, from inconsequential points into major areas.16. Practice diffusion; show that you are out for the same things.17. Never corner clients. Leave them a way out.18. Give two options that are both acceptable to you, so that you win regardless of the

choice. (Old sales trick!)19. Play with innocent questions such as, “Why would you want to do that?”20. Never accept an invitation to attack, since it creates a trust issue.21. Exude charisma and read the auras of individuals.22. Everyone is important and unique. Some literature says that you should treat all clients

like they were an interesting guest on a TV talk show. 23. Don’t patronize.24. Give sincere compliments.25. Smile before you dial (or meeting someone in person).26. Be childlike: open and transparent. Expand your center of interests to include others

and explore the talents of others.27. Use humor if appropriate.28. Remember names.29. Remember: difficult people don’t play by the same rules.30. Practice strategic apologizing.

(Adapted from the Secrets of Power Persuasion by Roger Dawson)


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Case Study: A Negative Image

Marlene’s Promotion

Marlene, a supervisor in a government department, managed a staff of twelve people. Over and over as a child she had heard her parents say, “Don’t ask such dumb questions,” and “What makes you think you know anything about that?” She was made a supervisor because for years she was a first class worker who never raised her voice and got along well with everybody in the department. She didn’t feel that she had good supervisory skills but she didn’t know how to turn down the promotion.

After being promoted, Marlene found her world falling apart. She disliked giving orders and couldn’t face on-the-job conflicts. She couldn’t bring herself to tell her employees what she thought when they voiced an opinion different from hers, even though she felt she was right. She also found it impossible to criticize their below-standard work, even though it was getting worse under her supervision.

Her self-talk included, “I’m stupid,” and “I can’t make decisions.” Thus she did stupid things that resulted in her staff thinking less of her. She also took a long time to make decisions, so she was seen as wishy-washy. Marlene decided to do something about her perception of herself, and to gain control over her internal and external image.

What steps would you suggest she take?


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The Assertive Formula

I Messages

We are most likely to retain the goodwill of the person we're standing up to if we stick with our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person. One way to do that is to stick with “I” messages, expressed in a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental tone of voice.

You Message I Message

You talk too loudly. I have sensitive hearing.

You should send out an agenda. I'd like to know what we're going to discuss in the meeting tomorrow so I can bring the right information with me.

You can use this same type of message when you are giving feedback about someone else's behavior. Again, the feedback should be non-judgmental, and it should be specific.

The Assertive Formula

There is also a formula for assertiveness:

Step Goal Example

Step 1 Non-judgmentally describe a specific behavior of the other person.

When you…

Step 2 Describe, as specifically as possible, the effects this behavior is having, or the practical problems it is causing in your life.

The effects are…

Step 3 Describe how you feel as a result, without using the expression, “you make me...”

I feel…

Step 4 You describe what you want, preferably after you give the other person a chance to state what they think might be done.

I prefer/would like…

Example: “When you leave your papers all over my office, it causes it to be cluttered and I feel disorganized and upset. I would like it if you could pick your papers up when you are done.”


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When you are stating feelings, remember these tips:o State feelings, not evaluationso State feelings, not solutionso State feelings directly


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Expressing Your No

Once you understand the request and decide you want to say no, choose the kind of no that best suits the person and situation. Here are some general rules to follow.

Say no firmly and calmly, without saying, “I’m sorry,” which weakens your position.

Say no, followed by a straightforward explanation of what you are feeling or what you are willing to do.

o “I’m uncomfortable doing that.”o “I’m not willing to do that.” o “I don’t want to do that.” o “I don’t like to do that.”

Say no, and then give a choice or alternative.o “I can’t help you now, but I will when I get this done, which could be in an hour.”o “I don’t have time today, but I could help out the first thing tomorrow morning.”

Say no and then clarify your reasons. This does not include long-winded statements filled with excuses, justifications, and rationalizations. It’s enough that you do not want to say yes. Your clarification is given to provide the receiver more information so that they can better understand your position.

Use your natural no. You may have developed your own style of saying no based on your past experience and personality. If so, use it.

Make an empathetic listening statement and then say no. You may paraphrase the content and feeling of the request, and then state your no.

Example: “I can see that it is important to you that one of my assistants gets your report done. I’d like to have someone do it, but my staff is already overburdened with high priority tasks to be completed by the end of the day.”

Say yes, and then give your reasons for not doing it or your alternative solution. This approach is very interesting. You may want to use it in situations when you are willing to meet the request, but not at the time or in the way the other person wants it.

o “Yes, I would be willing to help you out, but I won’t have time until tomorrow afternoon.”

o “Yes, I could have part of your report typed, but not all forty pages.” o “Yes, I’d be willing to go along with your second alternative, but not the third one

you suggested.”


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The Persistent Response

You can also use the persistent response. This method of saying no entails using a one-sentence refusal statement and persistently repeating it as often as necessary, no matter what the person says. This technique is useful when dealing with very aggressive or manipulative people who won’t take no for an answer. It is especially useful to assist you in moving from the passive mode to the assertive mode, as it gives you a specific format to follow. This is also useful for moving yourself away from the extreme aggressive end of the continuum if you are apt to lose control and become verbally abusive. The persistent response can be effective in maintaining your refusal while continuing to be in charge of your emotions.

Because this way of saying no is unusual and a bit complex, we will provide some detailed guidelines for applying it.

First, select a concise, one-sentence statement and repeat it no matter what the other person says or does. Examples:

o “I understand how you feel, but I’m not willing…”o “I’m not interested…”o “I don’t want to…”’o “I’m uncomfortable doing that, so I don’t want to…”o “You might be right, but I’m not interested.”

After each statement by the other person, say your persistent response sentence. It’s important that you don’t get sidetracked by responding to any other issue the other person brings up.

Guidelines for Saying No

Say your statement firmly, calmly, and as unemotionally as possible.

Be aware of your nonverbal behavior, making sure you don’t come across passively or aggressively. Use plenty of silence to your advantage. Your silence will project the message that the other’s statements and manipulation are futile.

Be persistent. Simply state your response one more time than the other person makes his or her request, question, or statement. If the other person makes six statements, you make seven. If the other person makes three statements, you make four. Most often, the other person will feel ill at ease and stop after three or four statements. Other times, your response will move the other person to offer options you are willing to go along with.


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Recommended Reading List

If you are looking for further information on this topic, we have included a recommended reading list below.

Benjamin, Susan F. Perfect Phrases for Dealing with Difficult Situations at Work. McGraw-Hill, 2008.

Blanchard, Ken, and Sheldon Bowles. High Five! The Magic of Working Together. William Morrow, 2000.

Boothman, Nicholas. How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less. Workman Publishing Company, 2000.

Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends and Influence People. Pocket Books, 1998 (Reprint).Cava, Roberta. Difficult People. Key Porter Books, 1992.Cialdini, Robert. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. Collins, 2006.Davis, Martha, Patrick Fanning, and McKay Matthew. Messages: The Communication Skills

Book. New Harbinger Publications, 1995.Decker, Bert. Communication Skills for Leaders: Deliver a Clear and Consistent Message, 4th Ed.

Axzo Press, 2009.Gitomer, Jeffery. Little Black Book of Connections: 6.5 Assets for Networking Your Way to Rich

Relationships . Bard Press, 2006.Guffey, Mary Ellen. Essentials of Business Communication . South-Western College Pub, 2006.Hamilton, Cheryl, and Cordell Parker. Communicating for Results. Wadsworth Publishing, 2007.Kemp, Sid. Perfect Solutions for Difficult Employee Situations. McGraw-Hill, 2004.Lamott, Ann, and Geneen Roth. When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair. Hyperion,

1999.Pan, Yuling, Ronald Scollon, and Suzanne Wong Scollon. Professional Communication in

International Settings. Blackwell Publishing Limited, 2002.Patterson, Kerry, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Crucial Confrontations: Tools

for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior. McGraw-Hill, 2005.

—. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High. McGraw-Hill: 2002.


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Post-Course Assessment

1. “There is nothing we can do” and “They won’t allow that” are examples of…a. Self-promoting talkb. Self-defeating talkc. Self-uplifting talk

2. Making assertive statements includes the following: a. Describing the behaviorb. Describe the effects of the behaviorc. Use “I” messagesd. All of the above

3. A good communicator has which of the following traits?a. Credibleb. Trustworthyc. Respectful d. All of the above

4. True or False: Pausing to let the other person speak is not an effective probing method. You always need to ask an open question for more information.

5. True or False: Non-verbal messages are sounds like grunting and coughing.

6. True or False: “How could we have handled that better?” is an example of a closed question.

7. A dichotomy is something divided into non-overlapping parts or opinions. Which of the following is an example of a dichotomy?

a. Cooperative and competitiveb. Apples and orangesc. Rage and angerd. All of the above

8. True or false: A frame of reference is a way to place judgment on what people say to us. Suspending your frame of reference is a way to remove barriers so that we can focus on what people communicate to us.

9. True or False: People make judgments about us based on our appearance.


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10. A probe is a particular kind if inquiry. It is an example of:a. An open questionb. A declarative statementc. A closed questiond. None of the above


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Pre- and Post-Assessment Answer Keys

Pre-Course Assessment

1. D: Body language and non-verbal cues can have a range of reasons behind them.2. B: It takes 72 muscles to frown but only 14 to smile.3. D: Open questions cannot be answered with a simple answer like yes or no.4. E: These are all examples of active listening.5. True: It shows you want everyone to engage themselves in what you are saying and

helps to keep their attention.6. B: The well-known Golden Rule exists in similar versions around the globe.7. True: “Let me see that in writing!”8. False: Remember that communication goes both ways. If you’re not listening to your

audience, why should they listen to you?9. D: All of these, plus wanting to gain consensus, are the four main uses of questions.10. True: Even people who believe that they are horrible at remembering names can learn

techniques to recall them.

Post-Course Assessment

1. B: These are examples of self-defeating talk.2. D: All of these statements are characteristics of assertive behavior. Assertive behavior

also involves describing how you feel and outlining what the ideal remedy would look like.

3. D: A good communicator has all of these traits, and more4. False: Pausing allows the other person to say all they need to say. It is a very effective

probing method.5. False: Non-verbal messages don’t make any sound at all. They include leaning forward,

making eye contact, and nodding your head.6. False: It is an example of an open question.7. A: Example A does not overlap, but the others do. (B are both fruit, which overlap, and C

are similar feelings.)8. True: Suspend your frame of reference to get the real picture.9. True: They tend to judge based on our income, educational level, social position,

sophistication, success, moral character, and trustworthiness.10. A: A probe is a type of open question.


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Personal Action Plan

Now that you have completed this course on Communication Strategies, how will you use the things you have learned? Creating a personal action plan can help you to stay on track and on target. When you take responsibility for yourself and your results, you get things done! In this session, you will be asked questions to help you plan your short-term and long-term goals. This final exercise is a way for you to synthesize the learning that you have done and to put it into practice.

I am already doing these things well:

I want to improve these areas:

I have these resources to help me:


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As a result of what I have learned in this course, I am going to…

My target date is… I will know I have succeeded when…

I will follow up with myself on…


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