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Listening, Interpersonal and Nonverbal
When you communicate well, you’ll enjoy more respect from,
and influence with, others. You’ll build better relationships
with them, and you’ll experience much less conflict with them.
ACTION:
To understand why good communication is important,
answer the questions on your handout.
1. Communication basics.
2. Active Listening.
3. Body Language.
4. Explaining Intent.
5. Expressing Yourself Clearly
Five basics of effective communication:
1. Message
2. Listener
3. Medium
4. Response
5. Adjustments
Communication is like a dance; it
often takes more than one try to
get the steps right, and for it to
flow gracefully!
Many people are poor listeners.
Not listening effectively is a classic problem that hampers
interpersonal relationships.
One of the main reasons people fail to acknowledge what
others are saying is because they believe if they acknowledge
what was said that it means they agree.
Acknowledgement is not agreement, and it is not approval.
Acknowledgement is simply a confirmation that you
understand the other person’s point of view.
When you listen, you should give brief summaries of what the
other person is talking about, and also try to name the feeling
that appears to be at the root of his/her experience.
For instance:
It sounds like you were frustrated about….
What a disappointment…
It must have made you feel great when…
Wow, I can tell you were surprised by that reaction…
Try not to get emotionally involved yourself.
If the person is ranting about something or someone,
acknowledge their feelings, but DO NOT dive in and make
disparaging comments of your own.
The point is not to take over the conversation: Your job is to
listen, and to let the other person have his or her say.
If a colleague says, “I can’t believe how insensitive Katherine
can be. She’s always gloating about her promotion in front
of me.”
Which of the following responses are more authentic, A or B?
A “What I hear you saying is that you believe Katherine
is insensitive because she’s always gloating about her
promotion in front of you.”
B “I imagine that it’s very hard to hear Katherine talk
about her new position.”
ACTION:
Let’s start off by seeing how much you already know about
nonverbal communication.
To Communicate effectively, you need to understand the
role that nonverbal communication plays in the way that you
relate to other people.
A lack of awareness of your own nonverbal cues, and those
of others, may cause you to miss much of what is being
said.
Consider this comment and question:
I’m going to work this morning to pick up my final paycheck and
collect my things. Can you meet me for lunch afterwards?
When you are aware of the “whole” person, your
communication improves significantly. Awareness of
nonverbal cues brings honesty and openness to
conversations, which allows you to make real connections
with the people with whom you interact.
Effective conversations are cooperative: the parties know their roles and have clear expectations, and they have been given a chance to accept the invitation to chat.
Invitations to a conversation show that you respect the other person’s time and feelings. You show that you recognize that now may not be a good time to talk. However, you make it clear that the conversation must take place.
You will improve the overall quality of the exchange by clarifying the intent with the other person, and this is key for effective communication.
Make a list of some positive reason for conversation that
you can use with other people.
Intent Opener
Persuade. It’s important to me that you understand where I’m coming from. Do
you have a minute….?
Change the subject. I appreciate you taking the time to clarify that. Now, can we please get
back to the original discussion, which is…
Give feedback. Have you got a few minutes so that I can give you my thoughts on your
report…?
Invitation to talk Can I have a few minutes of your time?
I would like to discuss x,y, and z with you. Can you talk now?
Discussion / Dialogue Do you have a minute because I am frustrated with… I would like to
discuss it now.
Request for
conversation
Give me a call when you get a chance. I would like to discuss….
Every word counts.
The clearer you are, the more inclined people are to believe
what you are saying, and the more likely they are to take
what you say seriously.
We all know someone who talks and talks, but says nothing.
If what you say is mostly empty, ambiguous, or
incomprehensible, they you will lose a lot of respect and
credibility.
A statement of negative impact might go like this:
o Speaker #1:
We are facing a paradigm shift. As you know, we are huge in the FPS genre
and it’s been a great ride. We’re now looking at the RPGs. It’s a good way
to leverage our resources and maximize the return on human capital. We’ll
be looking at market development, and making sure that our DAGMAR is on
point.
Here is how it can be said much more clearly and effectively:
o Speaker #2:
We’re looking to create a completely new type of product. We were into
First Person Shooting video games, and now we’ve decided to move into
the fantasy genre with Role Playing Games. We’ve got lots of creative
people who are motivated to work on these new projects. As we move
forward, we’re going to need to make sure we use an effective marketing
campaign to reach our targets.
Part of speaking clearly is expressing what you are feeling.
If the following statements were directed at you, how likely
are you to want to interact with the speaker?
o Why do you always do that?
o You don’t respect me!
o You obviously don’t care about the good of this department.
o You’re so lazy!
o You can’t possibly have done that right!
Watch out for disguised “I” statements.
On the surface, they follow the rules of the “I” statements,
but the message is actually a “you” statement.
For example:
o I feel that ______when _____...
• I feel that you disrespect me when you don’t listen to what I have to say.
o I feel like ______when _____...
• I feel like you think I’m stupid when you point out mistakes that I’ve
made.
Overall, expressing yourself more clearly certainly takes
more time and energy. However, the payoff, in terms of
improved relationships, is well worth it.
