COMMUNICATION & COMMUNICATION & RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENTDEVELOPMENT

COMMUNICATING ABOUT COMMUNICATING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIPYOUR RELATIONSHIP

RELATIONSHIP MESSAGESRELATIONSHIP MESSAGES– Inherent in everything we say?Inherent in everything we say?– Specifically about the relationshipSpecifically about the relationship

» Overall relationship?Overall relationship?

» Specific about some aspect of the relationship?Specific about some aspect of the relationship?

WHEN COMMUNICATING WHEN COMMUNICATING SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THE SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THE

RELATIONSHIPRELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS WORKWORK RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS COMMITMENTCOMMITMENT RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS INVOLVEMENTINVOLVEMENT

– Communal ThemesCommunal Themes– Individual ThemesIndividual Themes– Influential Factors Outside the Relationship Influential Factors Outside the Relationship

ThemesThemes

RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS UNIQUE UNIQUE OR OR SPECIALSPECIAL

RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS MANIPULATIONMANIPULATION RELATIONSHIPS AS RELATIONSHIPS AS CONSIDERATIONCONSIDERATION

AND AND RESPECTRESPECT

DIMENSIONS OF DIMENSIONS OF COMMUNICATION IN COMMUNICATION IN

RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENTDEVELOPMENT

STAGES IN THE STAGES IN THE DEVELOPMENT AND DEVELOPMENT AND

DETERIORATION OF A DETERIORATION OF A RELATIONSHIPRELATIONSHIP

INITIATINGINITIATING

Display self : pleasant, likeable…Display self : pleasant, likeable…– May exaggerate, brag, show off, deceiveMay exaggerate, brag, show off, deceive

Scan other for: commonalities, attractivenessScan other for: commonalities, attractiveness Talk: general information, relaxing thingsTalk: general information, relaxing things Greeting/seduction ritualsGreeting/seduction rituals Nervous, cautious, curiousNervous, cautious, curious

EXPERIMENTINGEXPERIMENTING

Discovery talkDiscovery talk– Looking for commonalities, indicators of “fit”Looking for commonalities, indicators of “fit”– Often reciprocal exchangesOften reciprocal exchanges

Connectedness, uncertaintyConnectedness, uncertainty

INTENSIFYINGINTENSIFYING Closeness/intimacy felt and/or exhibitedCloseness/intimacy felt and/or exhibited Discuss some secrets, moral valuesDiscuss some secrets, moral values Language more adapted to unique otherLanguage more adapted to unique other Increase in use of “we” and “us”Increase in use of “we” and “us” Greater access to possessions, space of otherGreater access to possessions, space of other Make short term plans together; do favors for Make short term plans together; do favors for

each othereach other Happy, warm, wanted & neededHappy, warm, wanted & needed

INTEGRATINGINTEGRATING

Blending/merging of two into oneBlending/merging of two into one Intimacy trophies exchangedIntimacy trophies exchanged Vigorously cultivate things that distinguish “US”Vigorously cultivate things that distinguish “US” More sharing of feelings, vulnerabilitiesMore sharing of feelings, vulnerabilities Reflect on shared past experiencesReflect on shared past experiences Miss each other when apartMiss each other when apart

BONDINGBONDING

Public ritual, contract Public ritual, contract – Provides basis for different kind plans, promises, Provides basis for different kind plans, promises,

agreementsagreements Make sacrifices for relationship Make sacrifices for relationship Make long term plans, promises, agreementsMake long term plans, promises, agreements Increased comfort with being apartIncreased comfort with being apart Overwhelmed and happyOverwhelmed and happy

DIFFERENTIATINGDIFFERENTIATING

Talk characterized by “how different we are”Talk characterized by “how different we are” Arguments and attempts to make up, changeArguments and attempts to make up, change Confused, inadequate, separate, somewhat Confused, inadequate, separate, somewhat

lonelylonely

CIRCUMSCRIBINGCIRCUMSCRIBING Less total communication; exchanges of shorter Less total communication; exchanges of shorter

durationduration Many touchy subjectsMany touchy subjects Talk mostly about everyday mattersTalk mostly about everyday matters Each devotes more time to own interests/activitiesEach devotes more time to own interests/activities Public behavior may not reflect privatePublic behavior may not reflect private Cold, distant, unloved, misunderstood, frustrated, Cold, distant, unloved, misunderstood, frustrated,

depressed, uncaringdepressed, uncaring

STAGNATINGSTAGNATING

Relationship standing stillRelationship standing still Covert dialogues about what you “know” Covert dialogues about what you “know”

will happen if you talkwill happen if you talk Even everyday talk is potential poisonEven everyday talk is potential poison Do things together in uncomfortable silenceDo things together in uncomfortable silence Reflecting on possible end of relationshipReflecting on possible end of relationship

AVOIDINGAVOIDING

Get out of same physical environment (or Get out of same physical environment (or act like it)act like it)

Stop seeing each otherStop seeing each other Greater restriction on talk; no relationship Greater restriction on talk; no relationship

talktalk Angry, helpless, nervousAngry, helpless, nervous

TERMINATINGTERMINATING

Termination dialogue:Termination dialogue:– Rationale for what we’re doing; historyRationale for what we’re doing; history– Clarify what we’re doingClarify what we’re doing– Discuss future relationship (if any)Discuss future relationship (if any)

Unhappy, happy, sad, depressed, lonely, Unhappy, happy, sad, depressed, lonely, scaredscared

MOVEMENT THROUGH MOVEMENT THROUGH RELATIONSHIP STAGESRELATIONSHIP STAGES

MOVEMENT IS GENERALLY MOVEMENT IS GENERALLY SEQUENTIAL, BUT “SKIPPING” DOES SEQUENTIAL, BUT “SKIPPING” DOES OCCUROCCUR

MOVEMENT OCCURS WITHIN MOVEMENT OCCURS WITHIN STAGES TOOSTAGES TOO

MOVEMENT IS ALWAYS TO “A NEW MOVEMENT IS ALWAYS TO “A NEW PLACE”PLACE”

SPEED OF MOVEMENT VARIESSPEED OF MOVEMENT VARIES– RAPID WHEN TIME IS SHORT & BOTH RAPID WHEN TIME IS SHORT & BOTH

PARTNERS EAGERPARTNERS EAGER– RAPID WHEN PROXIMITY IS HIGH AND RAPID WHEN PROXIMITY IS HIGH AND

BOTH PARTNERS EAGERBOTH PARTNERS EAGER– SLOWER IF ONE PARTNER IS NOT SLOWER IF ONE PARTNER IS NOT

INTERESTED IN CHANGING STAGESINTERESTED IN CHANGING STAGES– RAPID (SOMETIMES) WHEN SACRED RAPID (SOMETIMES) WHEN SACRED

COVENANT IS BROKENCOVENANT IS BROKEN