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About Debbie
• Here with Ken and Abbi
• Mechanical Engineer
• Licensed Counselor
• Web Development Student
• Introvert
Two Requirements
• Safety
• Skills
Yerkes-Dodson CurveAnxiety/stress impact performance.
Best PerformanceWhen skill matches difficulty
Creating Safety“In the moment” Self Calming Skills
• “Pause” - breathe, “thinking face”, a moment of quiet
• “Stall” - ask for clarification or to repeat the question, ask for time to research and get answer/input later
• “Ground” - hands, feet, seat, worry stone, stress ball
• “Make one point” - permission to be brief, concise
Practice Time!• Pair up with someone near you.
• Take turns asking each other “What are you working on?”
• Practice using the skills:
1. Pause
2. Stall
3. Ground
4. Make one brief point
Internal & External Safety• Practice “in the moment” skills to improve internal safety and
therefore performance
• Learn some other “outside the moment” skills at my afternoon keynote “Conquering your Inner Critic”
• Check out Open Source Mental Illness for more coping ideas
• Address external safety if needed - According to The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), "To be unlawful, the [hostile] conduct must create a work environment that would be intimidating, hostile, or offensive to reasonable people."
CommunicationSpeaking the Right Language
Communication Skills•Must practice!
• 93% body language and tone (7% words)
•Three key skills:
1. Open Non-Verbals
2. Active Listening
3. Respectful Assertiveness
Open Non-Verbals
• Appropriate personal space
• Open, visible hands
• No crossed legs or arms
• Appropriate eye contact
• Sending a message picked up by “Mirror Neurons”
Practice Time!• Pair up with someone near you.
• Talk casually about a hobby or interest you have.
• Practice adjusting your non-verbals (space, hands, legs, eyes) as you talk.
• Stop and give each other feedback about what worked and what did not.
• Practice some more.
Active Listening• compassionate parrot
• repeat back
• eye contact
• focused/attentive
• don’t need to agree
• goal is to understand
• HLUA (hear, listen, understand, acknowledge)
Practice Time!• Pair up with someone near
you.
• Take turns asking each other “What might you be doing today if you were not here?”
• Give them your full attention and repeat back what they are sharing, using your own words.
• Keep taking turns and practicing using the skills.
Respectful Assertiveness
• Tone, Volume and Words
• Values Self and Others
• Three Key Skills:
1. “I” Statements
2. Clarification
3. Agreement
“I” Statements
• “You” puts people on the defensive (97% failure rate)
• I feel ____ when you ____ and I would like _____.
• Give a sandwich - I like ____ and would appreciate ____ and I appreciate ____.
Neutral Clarification
• “So you are thinking/feeling…?
• Similar to active listening except harder to do.
Practice Time!• Pair up with someone near you.
• Use “I” statements to tell them something you are upset about. (I feel…when you…and I wish…)
• Use neutral clarification to repeat it back. (So you are feeling…)
• Switch roles.
• Stop and give each other feedback about what worked and what did not.
• Continue by practicing the sandwich with active listening.
Agreement
• Disarms
• Diffuses
• Agree with whatever part you can.
• “I can see how you might feel that way.”
Practice Time!• Pair up with someone near you.
• Take turns expressing a criticism.
• Respond with understanding and some sort of agreement. “I can see how you might feel that way.”
• Switch roles.
• Stop and give each other feedback about what worked and what did not.
• Continue by practicing various responses to criticism.
Communication
WE REMEMBER
10% of what we read 20% of what we hear 30% of what we see
50% of what we see and hear 70% of what we discuss
80% of what we experience 95% of what we teach others
- Edgar Dale
(Soft) Skills Every Developer Needs
• 4 pound, 800 page book• Half a page on soft skills needed• In person, phone, email, text• With clients, team members,
superiors• Clear, proactive, straightforward• Express and listen• Understand and ask for clarification• Be Flexible/adaptable• Use critical thinking• Good judgement• Problem solving• Common sense• Good attitude - contagious• Be positive and friendly—Jennifer Niederst Robbins, p. 14
Credit and FeedbackCredit goes to HelpGuide.org “Effective Communication: Improving Communication Skills in Your Work and Personal Relationships” which is a great summary article on this topic.
Also to OSMIhelp.org discussion board for terrific coping skill ideas and help.
Please give me feedback at: https://joind.in/talk/[email protected] so much for being here!
