Communicating Diplomatically In Stressful Times · Communicating Diplomatically In Stressful Times ... and I'm sorry you ... the most of your visit even if the sun doesn't cooperate."We

Copyright, Sam Horn 2009 For permission to reprint contact [email protected]

Communicating Diplomatically In Stressful Times Nine Tongue Fu!® Tips for Dealing with Difficult People –

Without Becoming One Yourself

By Sam Horn, Author and Originator

of the trademarked communication methodology Tongue Fu!®

Would you like to know what to say when you don't know what to say? If

so, you're in the right place. These Tongue Fu!® Tips can help you

communicate more constructively with co-workers, clients, supervisors,

suppliers, friends, family . . and upset strangers!

What is Tongue Fu!® you ask?

It's best defined by an incident that took place while I was flying to New

York for a media tour. I needed to double-check a quote to make sure I

had it correct for the TV show the next morning, so I pulled out my copy of Tongue

Fu!® from my purse (which Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus author John

Gray endorsed with, "Puts a new twist on communication!")

A woman across the aisle from me glanced at the title, grabbed the book out of my

hands, and pronounced, "That looks interesting. Tell me what it's about!"

"Well," I answered, tongue planted firmly in check, "it teaches you how to handle difficult

people without becoming difficult yourself." She chuckled, and said, "Oh, I wish I'd had

that book on the plane before this one. I was seated next to the most obnoxious man. I

could have used your book. I would have HIT him with it."


That is not what Tongue Fu!® is about. If someone is being unfair, unkind or

inappropriate; it's not about HITTING back, GETTING back, getting MAD or getting

EVEN.

It's not about giving people a piece of our mind. It's about giving ourselves peace of

mind by being able to think our feet and respond constructively vs. destructively to

challenging individuals in the moment -- instead of having brain freeze and thinking of

the perfect response on the way home.

Tongue Fu!® Tip 1. When people complain, don't explain; take the AAA train: Agree, Apologize, and Act. Explanations come across as excuses. We think

explaining why something wasn't done, (especially if there's a legitimate reason) will

help people understand. The opposite is true. Explanations make people angrier

because they feel we're not being accountable. The better way: "You're right, Mrs.

Smith, we were supposed to send that brochure to you last week, and I'm sorry you

didn't receive it yet; and If I could please have your name and address again, I'll

personally put that brochure in an envelope and make sure it goes out today." Voila!

Complaint over.

Tongue Fu!® Tip 2. Has someone accused you of something you didn't do? Don't

defend or deny untrue accusations or you'll end up debating their dubious point.

Instead, put the conversational ball back in their court with, "What do you mean?" or

"Why do you say that?" Asking the person WHY they made an accusation helps reveal

the real issue, and you can address that instead of reacting to their attack.

Imagine an upset client exclaims, "You don't care about your customers." Responding

with "That's not true. We pride ourselves on our quality customer service" makes

matters worse because it creates a yes-you-do, no-we-don't debate. Instead, ask,


"What makes you think that?" The client may harrumph, "I've left three messages and

no one's called back." Now you know what's really bothering that customer; you can

apologize for the delayed response, ask the nature of the message and expedite their

request.

Tongue Fu!® Tip 3. Want to know how to stop blaming and finger-pointing? Don't try to talk over people who are arguing, use this hand

gesture to stop people in their verbal tracks. Why is this a better way to

stop arguments? If people are yelling and you try to talk over them, what

usually happens? They'll talk louder. The voice of reason will get drowned out in the

commotion.

Putting up your hand like a police officer stopping traffic will cause a pause which gives

you a chance to get your verbal foot in the door. Then say these magic words: "We're

here to find solutions, not fault." Remind them that John F. Kennedy said, "Our task is

not to fix the blame for the past; it's to fix the course for the future." If the conversation

starts deteriorating into a gripe session again, make a T with your hands and call time-

out, saying "Calling each other names won't help. Instead, let's figure out how we can

set up systems to prevent this from happening again."

Tongue Fu!® Tip 4. Are people swearing at each other? Hold them accountable by

taking notes. Physically (gently) separate them, tell them they'll each get their turn, and

then pull out paper and pen. Suggest, "Start at the beginning and tell me what

happened." Asking them to think back and relate events in chronological order moves

them from an emotional frame of mind to an objective one. They're now reporting

instead of ranting and raving. Furthermore, they have to slow down so you can get

everything they're saying on paper. Once they slow down, they'll calm down. Taking

notes motivates most people to clean up their language because they don't want

documentation of their temper tantrum, cursing or verbal abuse.


Tongue Fu!® Tip 5. Avoid using the phrases "There's nothing" or "There's no way."

When it's not possible to give people what they want, at least give them your concern.

A front desk manager at a hotel in Hawaii asked me, "What can we say when people

grumble about the rain? We're not Mother Nature. There's nothing we can do about the

weather." I told her, "The words 'there's nothing I can do about your problem" come

across as apathetic and like you're brushing off their problem. Guests will feel you don't

care, and they'll get louder and in your face in an effort to make you care.

"Use the words "I wish," I" hope," or "there is something" to let them know you're doing

your best to help. Say, 'I wish I could bring out the sunshine for you. I know you were

looking forward to some beach time' or 'I hope it clears up soon. In case it doesn't,

there's something I can suggest. Here's a list of rainy-day activities so you can make

the most of your visit even if the sun doesn't cooperate."We can't always give people

what they want; we can at least give them our concern.

Tongue Fu!® Tip 6. Are people resisting or resenting your instructions? Perhaps

you're phrasing them as orders with "you'll have to" or "you need to." Do you know

anyone who likes to be ordered around? Neither do I. This is especially important

when dealing with peers, partners and spouses because the words "you'll have to"

cause people to think "You're not the boss of me!" and they'll refuse to take action.

Turn resentment-causing orders into respectful requests. For example, instead of "You

have to turn this in by 3 pm today," say, "Could you please turn this in by 3 pm today?

It's important because we're forwarding this data to headquarters by the end of

business." Instead of "You need to get gas today" say, "Could you please put gas in

the car on your way home; we want a full tank for our drive to the VA Tech game

tomorrow." People will have incentive to cooperate willingly instead of complying

reluctantly because you’re treating them with the courtesy they want and deserve.


Tongue Fu!® Tip 7. Do you have a hot button - something you're thin-skinned about? Develop a repertoire of Fun Fu! remarks. Erma Bombeck (bless her soul)

said, "If we can laugh at it, we can live with it." Are you sensitive about something?

Perhaps you're losing your hair or carrying around extra pounds. You have a choice:

You can continue to give people the power to push your buttons, or you can come up

with clever, non-combative comebacks so you can give as good as you get.

Want an example? I ran into a very tall man in an airport. The people in front of me were

laughing and pointing at him. I thought, how rude! Then, he got closer and I saw his T-

shirt. It read on huge letters: "No, I'm not a basketball player!" On the back of his shirt

were the words, "Are you a jockey?" He told me he used to dread going out of the

house because everyone made smart-aleck remarks. He finally decided if he couldn't

beat 'em, he might as well join 'em.

The tall man said, "I have a drawer full of these shirts at home. My favorite says, 'I'm

6'13 and the weather up here is fine.' Ever since I started wearing these shirts, I've had

fun with my height instead of being frustrated by my height." Become a Fun Fu! black

belt and develop a repertoire of Fun Fu! responses to something you’re sensitive about

so you can lighten up instead of tighten up (and never be tongue-tied again.)

Tongue Fu!® Tip 8: Involved in a disagreement? Get off your "but." Linguist William Safire was asked, "Is sloppy communication

due to ignorance or apathy?"

Safire answered with a twinkle in his eye, "I don't know and I don't

care." I think we care about how we communicate. What we may not

know is that many of us use a relationship-destroying word that sets us up as

adversaries. That word is but and it anchors conversations in back-and-forth, right-

wrong disagreements. How do you feel when someone says, "I hear what you're saying,


but we tried that before and it didn't work?" "You did a good job on that, BUT you forgot

to . . " I'm sorry that happened, BUT it's not our fault."

Imagine the difference when you replace that destructive word but with the constructive

word and:. "I hear what you're saying, and we tried that before and it didn't work out. Do

you have any suggestions on how we could handle it differently this time?" Hear how

the word and lets people know you're listening. It moves conversations forward

because you're acknowledging what the other person is saying instead of discounting it.

Tongue Fu!® Tip 9. Want to know how to turn conflict into cooperation? Get rid of the phrase "can't because." Imagine a staff member asks, "Can I have my

paycheck early? I'm leaving for vacation on Thursday," and you answer, "Sorry, you

can't because it hasn't been approved by payroll." That's the truth; however, the

employee may get upset because you're rejecting his request. The words can't because

are like a verbal door slamming in his face.

Want good news? You can often approve requests with the words, "Sure, as soon as"

or "yes, right after." Reword your reply to, "Sure you can have your paycheck, as soon

as it's approved by payroll. Why don't we give them a call, explain the circumstances,

and see if there's any way they can speed things up."

A Tongue Fu!® workshop participant told me, "I can't wait to use this

idea at home. My kids see me as a big meanie because they're

constantly asking for permission and I'm always telling them no. Next

time they ask if they can go outside and play with their friends, instead

of telling them, "No you can't because you haven't finished your homework," I'm going to

say, "Sure you can, right after you finish your homework." Instead of seeing me as the

one who's keeping them from what they want, this makes them responsible for getting

what they want. It changes the whole dynamic of our relationship."


Bravo! That's the purpose of these Tongue Fu!® Tips. Our goal is to use pro-active

communication and diplomatic responses so everyone has an incentive to get along.

Are you thinking, "I can see that these would work, but (oops) . . . and I'm afraid I'll go

back to the office all fired up and, two weeks later, everything will be back to the same

old, same old? That's why it's important to keep this handout close by where you can

review it frequently.

Better yet, contact us to request your free Words to Lose – Words to Use magnet you

can post on your office bulletin board, cubicle wall or refrigerator. You've heard the

phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind?” These magnets help you keep these ideas in sight

and in mind so you'll see them throughout the day and be reminded to use them in all

your interactions. Everyone at work and at home, including you, will benefit.

Sam Horn, creator of the trademarked Tongue Fu!®

communication methodology (“Everyone needs this.”

- John Gray, Ph.D.) receives rave reviews from such

clients as Hewlett-Packard, NASA, Fortune 500 Forum

Boeing and National Governors Association for her

presentations that focus on real-life ideas you can use

immediately on and off the job to build better relationships.

Sam selects and certifies certain individuals to give presentations on communication,

leadership, team-building and conflict resolution using her trademarked material. For

more information about Sam’s Tongue Fu® Training Institute, call 1 800 SAM-3455,

email [email protected], or visit http://www.tonguefu.com/certification/

mailto:[email protected]

http://www.tonguefu.com/certification/

A i ti f C t C lAssociation of Corporate CounselSan Francisco Bay Area ChapterCareer Development CommitteeCareer Development Committee

STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING “PEOPLE STYLES” & COMMUNICATION HOT BUTTONS& COMMUNICATION HOT-BUTTONS

IN THIS UNNERVING ECONOMY

Jean Fuller FULLER COACHING

jean@fullercoaching com 650 366 [email protected], 650-366-2800

June 12, 2009

Fuller Coaching 2009 [email protected]

1

Core Communication Profiles*Book = People Styles at Work, Bolton

Results

ANALYTIC DRIVERLogical AccurateThorough Fact-Finder

Results Oriented Decisive Problem-Solver Competitive

AMIABLE EXPRESSIVE

Serious PreciseSystematic High StandardsPrudent Conscientious AssertAssess

Persistent DirectEfficient PragmaticConscientious Independent

Diplomatic Team Player Supportive Win-Win ApproachPatient CooperativeLoyal Good ListenerSincere Stable

Confident Convincing Persuasive SociableEnthusiastic InspiringTrusting Loves StageOptimistic Charming

Relationships

Sincere Stable Optimistic Charming


*People Styles at Work, Bolton

2

Styles Under StressStyles Under Stress

+ Normal Behavior++ Stress+++ Major Stress

ANALYTIC DRIVER

+ Logical++ Avoidance

+ Assertive++ Autocratic

AMIABLE EXPRESSIVE

Avoidance+++ Autocratic +++ Avoiding

AMIABLE EXPRESSIVE

+ Diplomatic++ Acquiescing +++ Attacking

+ Persuasive++ Attacking+++ Acquiescing


+++ Attacking +++ Acquiescing

3

Your TRANSLATION Plan

ANALYTIC DRIVERDo:Do: Do:+ Present in “bullet points”+ Give options for their decision

with YOUR Recommendation

Do:+ Offer proof/research+ Present logically

D ’t Don’t:-- Be afraid to speak up/confront-- Waste their time (stories)

Don’t:-- Force quick decisions-- Demand action without logic

AMIABLE EXPRESSIVEDo:+ Touch base personally+ W k ll b ti l

Do:+ Be engaged, summarize in writing

+ Work collaboratively

Don’t:-- Rush or interrupt

+ Give recognition/allow spotlight

Don’t:-- Overdo details/facts/logic


-- Confront -- Eliminate creative atmosphere

4

Your Strategy / 3 MO. Action PlanYour Strategy / 3 MO. Action Plan

1 Assess o r st le sing book/template1. Assess your style, using book/template2. Assess key stakeholder styles3 P ti t l ti 1 d / k3. Practice translating 1 day/week

(listening & speaking)4 Ob h d i t4. Observe changes and impact5. Ask for feedback selectively6 C ti t t l t i ‘ ti ti i d t’6. Continue to translate in ‘negotiations mindset’7. Use a buddy /mentor to continue growth


5

Appendix / ReferencesAppendix / References

Book: People Styles at Work, Bolton YOUR APPENDIX h kli tYOUR APPENDIX checklist

Assessment: Success Insights Report (coach)Assessment: Success Insights Report (coach)

6Fuller Coaching 2009 [email protected]

Disagreements/Tough Conversationsg g

ANALYTIC DRIVERDo:Do: Do:+ Be results oriented + Net questioning to understand+ Determine shared goal

Do:+ Pre-meeting planning+ Frame, allow think time+ Determine criteria for mindset g

+ Show intention and action + Impact results profile + Alternatives

+ Create decision process buyin+ Scenario Plan+ Alternatives

AMIABLE EXPRESSIVEDo:+ Understand personal agenda+ C id f li & l i

Do:+ Understand reputation impact

+ Consider feelings & logic + Create options for value + Frame, allow think time+ Consider tribe impact, stories

+ Create new options for value + Ensure solution is fair & visible+ Collateral damage+ Trade up/over manage attention


p ,+ Plan solution in dialogue

+ Trade up/over, manage attention+ Flares/Forgetting

7

Key Stakeholder Style Profile MAP(sample GC, CEO, CFO, etc.)

ANALYTIC DRIVER

Results

JE

SBCF

ActAssess

JEYP

MR

BKOP

AMIABLE EXPRESSIVE

BK

AMIABLE EXPRESSIVERelationships

©Fuller Coaching 2006 8

NotesNotes

11. ……………………………………………..2. ……………………………………………..3. ……………………………………………..4. ……………………………………………..4. ……………………………………………..5. ……………………………………………..66. ……………………………………………..7. ……………………………………………..


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Documents

Communicating Diplomatically In Stressful Times · Communicating Diplomatically In Stressful Times ... and I'm sorry you ... the most of your visit even if the sun doesn't cooperate."We