Communicating AssertivelyCommunicating Assertively

Presenter: Adam SandelsonPresenter: Adam Sandelson

Teaching & Learning CentreTeaching & Learning Centre

Why be assertiveWhy be assertive

BecauseBecause - its more than subject - its more than subject knowledge that makes you successful knowledge that makes you successful at studying & fulfilling your career at studying & fulfilling your career aspirationsaspirations

BecauseBecause - assertiveness is a - assertiveness is a communication style that can be useful communication style that can be useful in job or academic interviews, in job or academic interviews, presentations, public speaking etcpresentations, public speaking etc

BecauseBecause – assertiveness “energizers” – assertiveness “energizers” your communication with academics, your communication with academics, colleagues, friends, partners, family etc.colleagues, friends, partners, family etc.

Aims of this sessionAims of this session

To discuss To discuss assertivenessassertiveness in terms of; in terms of;

What is & isn’t assertiveness, What is & isn’t assertiveness, What it will & will not doWhat it will & will not do How can someone be more How can someone be more

assertiveassertive What do you get from being an What do you get from being an

assertive communicatorassertive communicator

What What isn’tisn’t assertivenessassertiveness

Being SelfishBeing Selfish Here you are concerned only with your Here you are concerned only with your

rights & needs, with little regard for the rights & needs, with little regard for the rights & needs of othersrights & needs of others

Being AggressiveBeing Aggressive Here you are demanding, abrasive & Here you are demanding, abrasive &

hostile with others. You are insensitive to hostile with others. You are insensitive to other people’s feelings & their individual other people’s feelings & their individual rights.rights.

You succeed with sheer force, creating You succeed with sheer force, creating enemies & conflict along the wayenemies & conflict along the way

What What isn’tisn’t assertivenessassertiveness

Being Passive-aggressive Being Passive-aggressive You express anger & aggression in a You express anger & aggression in a

covert waycovert way You fail to do your share of the work & You fail to do your share of the work &

make unreasonable criticisms of authoritymake unreasonable criticisms of authorityCommon Traits areCommon Traits are procrastination, sulking or arguing when procrastination, sulking or arguing when

you are asked to do something, you are asked to do something, complaining without justification, complaining without justification, “forgetting” your obligations, believing you “forgetting” your obligations, believing you are better than others, you can’t stand are better than others, you can’t stand useful suggestions or constructive criticismuseful suggestions or constructive criticism

What What isn’tisn’t assertivenessassertiveness

Being ManipulativeBeing Manipulative

You get others to feel sorry or guilty to You get others to feel sorry or guilty to you get what you wantyou get what you want

You play the role of victim or martyrYou play the role of victim or martyr It only works work when others do not It only works work when others do not

realise what you are doingrealise what you are doing Eventually its makes people feel Eventually its makes people feel

confused, “crazy,” angry & resentful confused, “crazy,” angry & resentful towards youtowards you

To summarise !To summarise !

Assertiveness is notAssertiveness is not Being selfish, aggressive, passive-Being selfish, aggressive, passive-

aggressive or manipulativeaggressive or manipulative

Even though we do use these Even though we do use these “communicative tactics” at some point “communicative tactics” at some point in our lives to get what we wantin our lives to get what we want

- BUT –- BUT –

Spending your life or time being a non- Spending your life or time being a non- assertive communicator will bring you assertive communicator will bring you much stress, dissatisfaction & much stress, dissatisfaction & disappointmentdisappointment

Assertiveness QuestionnaireAssertiveness Questionnaire

Take a look at the “Take a look at the “assertiveness assertiveness questionnairequestionnaire” handout. Read each ” handout. Read each situation and define each of your situation and define each of your responses as either responses as either aggressiveaggressive, , passivepassive or or assertiveassertive. Share your . Share your

answers!answers!

What What isis assertiveness assertiveness

Direct, open & honest communication Direct, open & honest communication with otherswith others

Asking for what you want & saying “no” to Asking for what you want & saying “no” to what you don’t want what you don’t want

Not negating, attacking or manipulating Not negating, attacking or manipulating othersothers

Respecting the dignity of other peopleRespecting the dignity of other people Standing up for yourself & your rights Standing up for yourself & your rights

without apologising or feeling guiltywithout apologising or feeling guilty Taking responsibility for your own needsTaking responsibility for your own needs ““Energy”Energy”

To summarise !To summarise !

Assertiveness is aboutAssertiveness is about Being clear about your needs & rights, Being clear about your needs & rights,

asking for what you want, saying no to asking for what you want, saying no to what you don’t wantwhat you don’t want

Using direct, open & honest Using direct, open & honest communication, taking responsibility, communication, taking responsibility, respecting others & not violating their respecting others & not violating their rightsrights

When you are assertiveWhen you are assertive Others will feel comfortable, know where Others will feel comfortable, know where

you stand & respect you for your honesty you stand & respect you for your honesty Your needs get met, you experience less Your needs get met, you experience less

stress & more satisfaction with life in stress & more satisfaction with life in generalgeneral

What Assertiveness will What Assertiveness will not donot do

GuaranteeGuarantee you happiness or fair you happiness or fair treatment by others treatment by others

Guarantee Guarantee that you will automatically that you will automatically get what you want in lifeget what you want in life

GuaranteeGuarantee that others will be assertive that others will be assertive & not aggressive towards you& not aggressive towards you

SolveSolve all your personal problems all your personal problems BUTBUT – – a lacka lack of assertiveness will be of assertiveness will be

one reason that your feelings or needs one reason that your feelings or needs are not acknowledged or met by othersare not acknowledged or met by others

How can I be more How can I be more AssertiveAssertive

First recognise that it is First recognise that it is culture culture specificspecific

Recognise that you & everyone else has Recognise that you & everyone else has a right to your “a right to your “personal bill of personal bill of rightsrights” – see handout” – see handout

Truly believingTruly believing that you have a right that you have a right to your needs & have a right to ask for to your needs & have a right to ask for what you want what you want

Taking responsibilityTaking responsibility to protect your to protect your rightsrights in situations where they are in situations where they are infringed uponinfringed upon

Personal Bill of RightsPersonal Bill of Rights

Is drawn from the idea that we all have Is drawn from the idea that we all have basic human rights basic human rights

Sometimes we do not realize these Sometimes we do not realize these rights, because we were not taught rights, because we were not taught them as children them as children

Being more conscious & learning to Being more conscious & learning to exercise your rights is the exercise your rights is the gatewaygateway to to being more assertive being more assertive

What do you think? Are any striking to What do you think? Are any striking to you?you?

How can I be more AssertiveHow can I be more Assertive

First be aware of your feelings, needs & First be aware of your feelings, needs & wantswants

Then sayThen say directly directly how you feel inside & how you feel inside & what changes you would like to see happen what changes you would like to see happen

Use Use “ I statements”“ I statements” to express yourself to express yourself

““.. I feel unhappy with your.. I feel unhappy with your

suggestion & I would like you to listen suggestion & I would like you to listen toto

mine..”mine..” Do not back offDo not back off or move away from or move away from

someone you are addressing (stand your someone you are addressing (stand your ground)ground)

How can I be more AssertiveHow can I be more Assertive Note that Note that 30%30% of our communication is of our communication is

verbal, while verbal, while 70%70% is non-verbal is non-verbal Develop Develop non-verbal non-verbal assertive assertive

behaviours. These are about your voice behaviours. These are about your voice tone, gestures, eye contact, facial tone, gestures, eye contact, facial expression & posture (“social expression & posture (“social signalling”)signalling”)

Non-verbal behaviours definitely Non-verbal behaviours definitely influence your impact on othersinfluence your impact on others

For example; For example; look directlylook directly at another at another person when addressing themperson when addressing them

How can I be more AssertiveHow can I be more Assertive

Maintain an Maintain an open postureopen posture – if sitting – if sitting down don’t cross your legs/arms - if down don’t cross your legs/arms - if standing up do so erectly & on both feetstanding up do so erectly & on both feet

Stay calmStay calm - avoid getting overly - avoid getting overly emotional or excitedemotional or excited

Practice being assertive through writing, Practice being assertive through writing, role-play & real life situationsrole-play & real life situations

Don’t assume others just know how you Don’t assume others just know how you feel, what you need or want. Make these feel, what you need or want. Make these knownknown

Other people are not mind readersOther people are not mind readers

How can I be more How can I be more AssertiveAssertive

Learn to also say Learn to also say “ “ nono ” ” Saying “no” Saying “no” sets limitssets limits on other people’s on other people’s

demands for your time, especially when it demands for your time, especially when it conflicts with your own needs conflicts with your own needs

You can You can acknowledgeacknowledge the other person’s the other person’s request by repeating it back, request by repeating it back, explainexplain your your reason for declining & then say reason for declining & then say “no”“no”

If appropriate suggest an If appropriate suggest an alternative alternative proposalproposal where both your needs will be where both your needs will be metmet

How can I be more AssertiveHow can I be more Assertive

An example of how to say “ no ” An example of how to say “ no ”

““....I understand that you would like to get I understand that you would like to get together tonighttogether tonight

[[acknowledgementacknowledgement]. ]. It turns out that It turns out that I had a really long day & feel I had a really long day & feel

exhaustedexhausted [ [explanationexplanation], ], so I will so I will pass on tonightpass on tonight [ [saying nosaying no]. ]. Perhaps Perhaps there is another night later this week there is another night later this week when we can get together – what do when we can get together – what do you thinkyou think?..” [?..” [alternative optionalternative option].].

What do I get from being more What do I get from being more assertiveassertive

It enables you to It enables you to obtain moreobtain more of what of what you need & want in lifeyou need & want in life

It helps It helps minimiseminimise stress, frustration & stress, frustration & resentment in your relationships & resentment in your relationships & interactions with othersinteractions with others

It helps you take It helps you take more risksmore risks & ask & ask more more of lifeof life in general in general

It adds to your sense of It adds to your sense of autonomy, autonomy, freedomfreedom & & self confidenceself confidence

You definitely You definitely gain respectgain respect from others from others for being direct, open & honestfor being direct, open & honest

Coming to the end….Coming to the end….

Assertiveness is really aboutAssertiveness is really about KnowingKnowing what isn’t & what is assertive what isn’t & what is assertive

communication, and what it will & will not communication, and what it will & will not dodo

CeasingCeasing opportunities opportunities to be more to be more assertive assertive

Recognising theRecognising the value value in being assertive in being assertive Increasing the prospect of your rights, Increasing the prospect of your rights,

feelings, needs & wants being metfeelings, needs & wants being metIn all …. In all …. Assertiveness contributes to your Assertiveness contributes to your

academic success, and it helps fulfil your academic success, and it helps fulfil your career & life ambitionscareer & life ambitions