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Commando Diplomacy
Building Skills and Tolerance for Having Difficult Conversations and Making Real Progress
By Meg Delaney and Amy HartmanToledo-Lucas County Public Library
Says WHO?Meg: Main Library Manager
◦Covering things we can do as individuals
Amy: Collection Development Librarian, Union Negotiator, Facilitator◦Covering things we can do as part of a
group
What can we do?Fixing other people?Understanding our own issuesKeeping expectations realisticConfronting (productively!) rather
than avoiding
Never Forget: QTIPQuit Taking It Personally
Refocus Conversation Forward Move toward resultsTry not to move backward toward
◦Real slights◦Perceived slights
Taking the Long ViewThe secret of a drama-free work
lifeTreat others as you’d like to be
treatedFace-saving techniquesRemember: We are each other’s
patrons
Success Lives WithinBeing fully presentAchieving honest dialog,
preserving relationship going forward
Choosing your responseVisualize success
Have a Mentor/VentorJoys of working with passionate
people…Filter/siphon off unproductive
feelings◦Personally and Professionally
Keep focused on the real issues
Mapping conversation for successPreparation for calming a tense
situation◦Stay calm; avoid anger in your
actions or words◦Stick to the facts◦Ask for the other person’s
perspective or opinion◦Propose your solution◦Ask for the other person’s buy-in
Prep for a One-on-One MeetingNotes for a meeting : • My critical needs in this meeting
period: • What’s new: • Status on continuing projects:• How can I help you?• My own professional
development:
Expanding sphere of influenceMaintain common sense
etiquetteStay w/in bounds of professional
ethicsRely on facilitation skillsStay above the fray/Objectivity
◦5,000 feet◦Congruence with values/beliefs◦Avoiding the “gotcha”s
Putting it together : PreparationThe Clerk/Shelver
◦Before conversation Map facts Get Supervisor on Board Anticipate and prepare for negativity Have the conversation Share proposed solution w/ other
appropriate staff for buy-in
Putting it Together: the EventClerk/Shelver
◦Actual Conversation Who should be there? Where should it happen? Follow “Script”
Putting it Together: Follow-upClerk/Shelver
◦Post-conversation Give and get feedback “Test case” – what can be tweaked? Catch good habits, praise and
encouragement for job well done
Dealing with Drama Bible
Drama RolesComplainer - whining, waffling,
resignationCynic – Discounting, sniping,
withdrawingController – Steamrolling,
micromanaging, impatienceCaretaker – Overcommitment,
conflict avoidance, rescuing
ComplainerAcknowledge w/o agreement
◦“I hear what you’re saying”Appreciation
◦Value in their contribution◦Reassure them of your confidence in
them and their capacity to develop
CynicShow interest in their area of
expertise◦Praise novel thinking
Express confidence in their abilities◦Invite them to share wisdom and
experience◦Honor them for welcoming the ideas
of others
ControllerHonor their initiative and
their desire to do the right thing
Demonstrate delegation and share benefits of empowering others
Make boundaries clear
Caretaker
Commend projects completed in a timely manner, tough decisions made, or specific boundaries they’ve observed
Let them feel connected, graciously receive their praise
State how much you appreciate when they set boundaries and make tough decisions.
Handling EmotionAcknowledge & avoid
ridicule/judgmentTake a breakSometimes, venting can be
useful◦System-wide forums for Big Issues
Magic Formula2 + 1 + 1
◦Two positive commentsPlus
◦One “difficult” issuePlus
◦One positive follow-up
Dealing with Larger GroupsThe uses and abuses of
committeesRole of group leaders
◦Focus on task◦Encourage participation◦Keep track of duties/results
Preparing for Difficult MeetingsClear AgendaTimeframes?Agree to Norms and Guidelines:
One meeting – keep on track Agree to Disagree – beware of
interpretation/attack Participate openly and honestly Dignity, Respect, Confidentiality Hanging issues/Parking lot
Ideal Behaviors to Agree UponTalk Straight/Create TransparencyDemonstrate Respect and LoyaltyConfront RealityPractice Accountability and keep
commitments
How to Map a Meeting for SuccessGive a face-saving out
◦Avoid righteous indignation, no matter how smugly satisfying
Balance a difficult request with a “gift” – support you can offer to get the outcome you want
Anticipate negativity or contrary points of view
ChartWhole group can see ideasRemoves personal “ownership”Seeing angry words can help
diffuseFocuses attentionAction items & responsibilities
clear for all to see.
ConsensusPoint of maximum agreement so
that action can follow.Buy-in and support are essential
for successful implementation of any plan
Consensus is best when:The solution is not obviousThe solution impacts more than
one personTime is available for thoughtful
discussionCommitment to the
solution is important
The Numbers Behind Consensus70% Comfort Level
◦Level at which all members “comfortable” Can agree for the most part w/ decision no serious disagreement
◦70% agreeable,100% committed Even if the decision isn’t exactly what
one would choose, all will support it with positive communications/actions
Benefits of Achieving ConsensusProcess was fairUnderstand decision criteriaOpportunity to be heard“No” is okay, but alternatives
must be identified/exploredConflict can be healthy, Q-TIP
Before leaving a meetingRecap, noting what was covered,
action items, assigned responsibility, time frames/deadlines posted where all can see and agree on.
Celebrate accomplishments, no matter how small (beware irony/cynicism)
The End?Success stories?Troubleshooting? Bibliography handout online