V O L U M E 2 9 N U M B E R 3 • M A R C H 2 0 1 5

A strawberry and a cucumber grew up in the same garden patch. They were best buds growing up. As they grew older, they decided it was time to branch out, leave home, and see the world. So, they hitched a ride on a nearby vegetable cart and took off.Their first stop was at a local farmer’s market. Unfortunately, that’s where the trouble started. A big row broke out and they got separated, one of them ending up in a jam and the other in a pickle.

A man phoned the local gym and asked if they could teach him how to do the splits. The trainer asked, “How flexible are you?” He said, “I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.”

Teacher: There’s an eclipse of the moon tonight. Perhaps your parents will let you stay up to watch it.Pupil: What channel is it on?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said, “Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts?” Immediately little Johnny said, “Ooh, me sir, me.” The coach then said, “But, Johnny, you are the worst on the team!” Then Johnny said, “I know, but goalposts can’t jump!”

A farmer went to a big city to see the sights. He asked the hotel’s clerk about the times of meals.“Breakfast is served from 7:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m.; dinner from 12:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m.; and supper from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.,” explained the clerk.“Look here!” inquired the farmer in surprise. “When am I going to get time to see the city?”

Sarah watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” she asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.“What’s the matter?” asked Sarah. “Are you giving up?”

A man went to visit his doctor. “Doctor, my arm hurts really bad. Could you check it out, please?” the man pleaded.The doctor rolled up the man’s sleeve and suddenly heard the arm talk. “Hello, doctor. Could you lend me twenty bucks, please? I’m desperate!” the arm said.The doctor said, “Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!”

Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald?It’s called “What’s the Point?”

My dad bought my mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.“Oh,” said my dad, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.” “Why’s that?” I asked.“Well,” he answered, “because with a clarinet, she can’t sing.”

“Everybody should pay their taxes with a smile,” said Bob. “I tried it,” said Earl, “but they wanted cash.”

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along when all of a sudden a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, “BARK!” and the cat runs away. “See?” says the mother mouse to her baby. “Now do you understand why it’s important to learn a foreign language?”

If you’re going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

A man was driving through a rural town the other day when he saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, “I miss the city.” So, he broke the car window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, and left a note that read, “I hope this helps!”Billy and Willy had learned about Noah’s ark at Sunday school. On the way home, Willy asked, “Do you think Noah did much fishing?”“How could he?” said Billy. “He only had two worms.”

He didn’t know his dad was a construction site thief, but when he got home, all the signs were there.

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Easter Sunday

The U.S. Civil War begins,1861

First Boston Marathon held,1897

Polio vaccine trials begin,1954

First modern Olympic Games are held in Athens,1896

Tiger Woods wins first Masters,1997

Fenway Park officially opens,1912

South Africa holds first multiracial elections,1994

Willie Nelson is born, 1933

John Wayne wins his only Academy Award: Best Actor for his role in True Grit,1970

John Wilkes Booth shoots Abraham Lincoln,1865

General Motors celebrates its 100 millionth U.S. made car,1967

Muhammad Ali refuses Army induction and is stripped of his heavyweight title, 1967

April Fool’s Day

Twin Peaks premieres on ABC,1990

The British oceanliner Titanic sinks in the North Atlantic,1912

The first Earth Day is held,1970

World War II monument opens in Washington, D.C.,2004

Pope John Paul II dies, 2005

Confederate General, Robert E. Lee, surrenders at Appomattox, Virginia,1865

Lenin returns to Russia from exile,1917

William Shakespeare is born,1564

Pony Express debuts,1860

Paul McCartney unofficially announces the Beatles’ breakup, 1970

Apollo 13 returns to Earth,1970

Jane Fonda’s first workout video is released, 1982

NATO is established, 1949

Bob Dylan plays his first major gig in New York City,1961

The Great San Francisco Earthquake,1906

Robinson Crusoe is published, 1719

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