CLASS: Wonderland revised for you Here’s Alice’s Adventures with … · 2018-11-30 · CLASS: Here’s a classic done up new Wonderland revised for you Here’s Alice’s Adventures

CLASS:Here’s a classic done up newWonderland revised for youHere’s Alice’s Adventures with Idioms

We’ve changed the book for your delightGood thing it’s out of copyrightIt’s Alice’s Adventures with Idioms.

We’ve got phrases like “a piece of cake”And “break the ice” and “hold the phone”We’re learning and we’re having funWe’re killing two birds with one stone.

ONE STUDENT (spoken to audience): Not really. It’s just an idiom.

CLASS:We also have some similesEasy as your ABCsIt’s Alice’s Adventures with Idioms

We hope this show’s your cup of teaYou’ll go hog wild for TweedledeeHere’s Alice’s Adventures with Idioms. Here’s Alice’s Adventures with Idioms.

(THEY sit down/exit. ALICE enters with DINAH the Cat and MICAH the Dog. SHE carries a picnic basket.)

SISTER (from off stage): Alice, don’t get too close to the river. And try to keep the cat and dog from jumping in. They smell horrible when they get wet. Especially the dog.

(MICAH shakes his fist in the direction of the SISTER’s voice.)

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Song 1/11

Instrumentation for SONG 1: Drums, bass, acoustic guitar, 2 electric guitars, piano, organ, tambourine

NOTE: The numbers above refer to the track numbers on the audio recording. The first is the vocal version of the song; the second is the karaoke version.

Individual License for Katie Newbanks, purchased on 3/25/2016. This is copyrighted material. Contact badwolfpress.com for additional licenses.

ALICE (to pets): My sister is such a worrier. What could happen to us on such a fine summer day? (THEY sit down.)Let’s have our sandwiches. Of course, cats and dogs don’t like sandwiches, so I’ll eat yours for you.

(MICAH, who had been quite excited at the word “sandwiches,” slumps in disappointment. DINAH is too cool to care. Just then, WHITE RABBITS enter. THEY each have a pocket watch and are in a flustered rush.)

RABBIT #1 (looking at watch): Oh dear, oh dear! We’re late!

RABBIT #2: The Duchess! The Duchess! She’s waiting for us!

RABBIT #3: Oh my fur and whiskers! We can NOT be late!

ALICE (standing up): Dinah! Micah! Look! THIS is very curious! Three white rabbits. With pocket watches.

RABBIT #1: Oh dear. We’ll be thrown to the wolves.

ALICE: Excuse me.

RABBIT #2: Sorry, no time, no time!

RABBIT #3: We’re not crying wolf!

6Individual License for Katie Newbanks, purchased on 3/25/2016. This is copyrighted material. Contact badwolfpress.com for additional licenses.

WHITE RABBITS:We’ve gotta make a beelineWe cannot weasel outNo time for horsing ’round nowWe’re sitting ducks, no doubt.

No time for playing possumOur cash cow has been spentNo time to take a catnapOr fish for compliments.

We’ll all be in the Duchess’s doghouse nowIf we’re not on time she’ll have a cow. We can’t be late We can’t be late

RABBIT #1: Maybe we’ll sneak by

RABBITS #2 and #3: Yeah, when pigs can fly.

ALL WHITE RABBITS:We can’t be lateWe can’t be late

RABBIT #1: She’ll badger us

RABBIT #2: We’ll drop like flies

RABBIT #3: If we make her wait

ALL WHITE RABBITS: Oh no we can’t be late. No time to hold our horsesAnd no frog in the throatWe’re fishes out of waterShe’s gonna get our goat.

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Song 2/12

Instrumentation for SONG 2: Drums, double bass, acoustic guitar, mandolin, violin, organ


WHITE RABBITS and CHORUS:We can’t be late We can’t be late

RABBIT #1: Maybe we’ll sneak by

RABBITS #2 and #3: Yeah, when pigs can fly.

WHITE RABBITS and CHORUS:We can’t be lateWe can’t be late

RABBIT #1: She’ll badger us

RABBIT #2: We’ll drop like flies

RABBIT #3: If we make her wait

WHITE RABBITS and CHORUS: Oh no we can’t be late.We can’t be late.

(The RABBITS disappear down a rabbit hole. DINAH and MICAH run after them.)

ALICE (shouting at her pets): Dinah! Micah! NO! (DINAH and MICAH go down the rabbit hole as well. SHE shouts down hole.)You get back here this instant! I am NOT going down this filthy rabbit hole to fetch you.

(TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLEDEE enter, arms around each other’s necks.)

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How should you depict the actors going down the rabbit hole? Well—that’s up to you. You could have the actors step through a hula hoop, go behind a desk, crawl into a large cardboard box with a rabbit hole painted on it, spin around and pretend to be falling, or simply run offstage. So many silly options! Feel free to be creative.


TWEEDLEDUM (to ALICE): There’s no need to yell your head off.

TWEEDLEDEE: Unless you’re already out of your head.

ALICE (startled, looking up from the hole): Oh! Who are you?

TWEEDLEDUM: I’m Tweedledum.

TWEEDLEDEE: And I’m Tweedledee. But you should keep that under your hat.

ALICE: What should I keep under my hat?

TWEEDLEDUM: Your head, of course.

ALICE: You seem to be full of uncommon nonsense.

TWEEDLEDEE (turning to go): Perhaps we should head off.

ALICE: No, please wait. Did you happen to see my dog and cat? They just chased three talking rabbits down this rabbit hole. (SHE points to hole.)

TWEEDLEDEE: Yep. They’ve gone to the land of idioms.

ALICE: Where?

TWEEDLEDUM: The land of idioms.

ALICE: I’m afraid that went right over my head.

TWEEDLEDEE and TWEEDLEDUM (delighted): Exactly!

ALICE: Exactly WHAT? You two are very odd. My point is, I’m wondering if I should go down the rabbit hole as well.

TWEEDLEDEE: Well of course you must go DOWN the rabbit hole.

ALICE: I must?

9


10

TWEEDLEDUM: You can’t very well go UP the rabbit hole!

TWEEDLEDEE: And going ACROSS it or BEYOND it would be of no use whatsoever.

ALICE: What do prepositions have to do with anything?

TWEEDLEDEE: Everything!

TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLEDEE:Down, down, down the rabbit holeDown, down, down that is your goal. It’s clear from your positionThat there’s just one prepositionIt’s down, down, down the rabbit hole.

You may be on the ball or way out on a limbPerhaps you’re on thin ice and now it’s sink or swimOff the hookUnder the weatherKnock you over with a featherYou’re out of steam, I knowAnd there’s just one way to go…

TWEEDLES and CHORUS:Down, down, down the rabbit holeDown, down, down that is your goal. It’s clear from your positionThat there’s just one prepositionIt’s down, down, down the rabbit hole.

TWEEDLES:You may be up the creek or working ’round the clockJust sitting on the fence or been around the block.Down to earthDown to the wire In the same boat or on fire You’ll jump through hoops, I knowBut there’s just one way to go…

Song 3/13

Instrumentation for SONG 3: Drums, bass, acoustic guitar, 5-string banjo, pedal steel guitar, Telecaster electric guitar, tambourine


TWEEDLES and CHORUS:Down, down, down the rabbit holeDown, down, down that is your goal. It’s clear from your positionThat there’s just one prepositionIt’s down, down, down the rabbit hole.

(At the end of the song, ALICE goes down the rabbit hole and disappears. The TWEEDLES exit. From the other side of the stage, DINAH and MICAH enter. THEY are arguing.)

DINAH: I TOLD you this was a strange place. Play it cool, I said. Don’t do anything rash, I said. We’re down a rabbit hole in some weird land, I said. But NOOO. You had to drink the potion.

MICAH: But Dinah, it said “Drink Me.” Right there on the bottle.

DINAH (disgusted): You’re such a DOG. It made you grow to be ten feet tall.

MICAH: Did you see the size of my tail? It could level forests!

DINAH: And after that, you went ahead and ate the piece of cake! Where’s the learning curve?

MICAH: Hey, I’m a DOG. It said “Eat Me.” And it was cake! Besides, you ate some too.

DINAH: That’s because you shrank down to three inches, and the one door in the place was three inches tall. It was the only way out. But now what are we going to do, Micah?

MICAH: Let’s look for some more food that tells us what to do.

DINAH: Let’s NOT. I HATE being so tiny. (coolly)It reduces the impact of my feline aloofness.

(CATERPILLARS enter)

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CATERPILLAR #1: I think three inches is the perfect size.

CATERPILLAR #2: It’s a very good height indeed.

DINAH: Well, we are not used to it. Who are YOU?

CATERPILLAR #3: We’re caterpillars, and we live under that mushroom over there.

CATERPILLAR #1: If you want to return to your regular size, you will need to nibble on the mushroom.

DINAH: Well, that is the best advice we’ve heard since we got here, hands down.

(BOTH DINAH and MICAH immediately hit the floor. Their hands stick to it.)

MICAH: Whoa! What happened? My paws are stuck.

CATERPILLAR #2 (snapping fingers, which releases DINAH and MICAH): You must be very careful what you say in this part of the forest. Idioms are taken quite literally.

MICAH: Idioms?

CATERPILLAR #1: Expressions. You know, common phrases that mean something different from what the individual words say.

MICAH (looking excited): OH! (then looking confused) I don’t get it.

CATERPILLAR #3: Most of the time we speak in literal words. For example, when you say, “I like being three inches tall,” you mean exactly that. It IS the perfect size, after all.

CATERPILLAR #2: But idioms work differently. They’re figurative rather than literal. (looks at #3) C’mon, let’s show them.


CATERPILLAR #3: NO! Bad things happen when we demonstrate!

CATERPILLAR #2: Come on, we’re best friends. You could even say we’re…joined at the hip?

(The two CATERPILLARS instantly stick together at the hip. #3 looks very unhappy.)

CATERPILLAR #1: See what happened there? What he meant was that they are such good friends that they are always together. But you can’t use those kinds of expressions here. In this forest, everything becomes literal.

DINAH: You hear that, Micah? You’d better speak carefully. Being stuck to you for even ten seconds would ruin my reputation forever!

MICAH: Mine too! We need to hold our tongues.

(Immediately DINAH and MICAH grab their own tongues.)

DINAH (unintelligible): Thee uh ooo eh?

CATERPILLAR #3 (to DINAH): What’s the matter—cat got your tongue?

CATERPILLAR #1 (giving high five to #3): That one never gets old.

CATERPILLAR #2 (snapping fingers, which releases DINAH and MICAH): You must pay better attention.

DINAH: Micah! Jeesh. (to CATERPILLARS)You see the problem. (points)Cat. Dog. We don’t always see eye to eye.

(Immediately THEY face and stare at each other, their foreheads almost touching.)

13


CATERPILLAR #3 (snapping fingers, releasing THEM): Are you listening?

CATERPILLARS:Don’t hold your tongue or lose your head while in this landDon’t pull somebody’s leg or lend someone a hand.

And if your heart is on your sleeve put it back inAnd try hard not to get under somebody’s skin.

Say what you meanMean what you sayIf you say “smarty pants”Your pants will get an A. If you say you’ll play it by earYour ear is gonna playSay what you meanMean what you say.

Don’t keep your eye on anyone or pick their brainsAnd please don’t cry your eyes out ’cause that always stains.

And paying through the nose is a bad stratagem’Cause soon your nostrils will become an ATM.

CATERPILLARS and CHORUS:Say what you meanMean what you sayIf you say “smarty pants”Your pants will get an A. If you say you’ll play it by earYour ear is gonna playSay what you meanMean what you say.Say what you meanMean what you say.

(CATERPILLARS exit.)

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Song 4/14

Instrumentation for SONG 4: Drums, bass, 2 electric guitars, organ, Wurlitzer piano


DINAH: Come on, Micah. Let’s get out of this forest before we use another expression.

MICAH: Yeah, we’d better hit the road.

(Immediately DINAH and MICAH are on all fours and smacking the ground with their hands/paws.)

DINAH (annoyed): There’s something wrong with you.

(CATERPILLAR #1 walks back on stage, snaps fingers and releases them, turns to audience and shakes his head, and then exits.)

MICAH: Sorry. I always seem to put my foot in my…

DINAH (interrupting): STOP!

(ALICE enters)

ALICE (happy): Dinah! Micah! I’m so happy to see you.

DINAH: How did you find us? And how did you get to be so small?

ALICE: I went down the rabbit hole. And there was this room with a potion that said “Drink me!” and a piece of cake that said “Eat me!”—and, well, I just had to try.

MICAH (to DINAH): SEE!?

ALICE: Wait! I didn’t know you could talk!

MICAH: We can talk?!

DINAH: Neither did we. This is a very strange world. (holding out a piece of something)Here, we found a piece of mushroom that will restore us to our original sizes.

15


(THEY all take a bite, and happily watch themselves “grow.”)

ALICE (looking over herself closely): Curiouser and curiouser. Well, that’s better. I saw a lovely garden through a window in that room. I would very much like to find it.

MICAH: There’s a house right over there. Maybe it has a garden. I could use a bush right about now.

DINAH (shaking head): Dogs. (looking in the direction MICAH pointed)Hey, look, someone’s coming. Should we act aloof?

(DUCHESS and THREE SERVANTS approach from direction of house)

ALICE: Excuse me? We’re trying to find a beautiful garden. Could you help us?

DUCHESS (scowling): I am the Duchess! By the horrible expression on my face, it should be as plain as day that I don’t have a beautiful garden. Perhaps you should visit the garden of the King and Queen of Hearts.

MICAH: Does it have any bushes? Bushes are my best friends!

DUCHESS: Aaaach! What did you say?

DINAH: Forgive him, Duchess—he has NO manners. Talking about bushes to someone we just met! Today has been a real eye-opener.

DUCHESS (to SERVANTS): EEEECK! Take them both away!

ALICE: But what did they do?

DUCHESS: AAAAAACH! To the dungeon! And throw away the key—they look as slippery as an eel.

(ONE SERVANT leads off DINAH and MICAH as the DUCHESS follows THEM in a huff.)


ALICE (to the other two SERVANTS): What happened? Why is she so upset?

SERVANT #1: They both used a metaphor.

ALICE: A metaphor?

SERVANT #2: It’s when you compare one thing to another without using “like” or “as.” The dog said that bushes ARE his best friends. The cat said that today IS an “eye-opener.”

ALICE: What’s so bad about that?

SERVANT #1: The Duchess HATES metaphors.

ALICE: Oh. Well, how will I get my pets back?

SERVANT #2: Don’t worry. You just need to use some similes. Similes are DIRECT comparisons using “like” or “as.”

SERVANTS:Give her a simileShe’s as gentle as a lambGive her a simileShe’s as happy as a clam. Pretty as a pictureAt least that’s what she’s toldGive her a simileAnd she’s as good as gold.

Give her a simileAnd there’s no need for alarmGive her a simileIt’ll work just like a charm.Say she’s quick as lightningAs pure as driven snowGive her a simileAnd she will let you go.

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Instrumentation for SONG 5: Drums, bass, electric guitar, acoustic guitar, accordion, tambourine, washboard

Song 5/15


18

Direct comparisonsShe’s a sucker for that jazzShe will melt like butterWhen you use “like” or “as.”

CHORUS: Give her a simileSERVANTS: And she’ll be as smooth as silkCHORUS: Give her a simileSERVANTS: And you’re in the land of milk…CHORUS (shouts): …and honey!

SERVANTS and CHORUS:Don’t be slow as snails Or timid as a fawnGive her a simileAnd you’re as good as gone!Give her a simileAnd you’re as good as gone!

(All SERVANTS but ONE exit. DUCHESS enters.)

DUCHESS: Well, those two … (with a sneer)…“metaphorians” are locked up as snug as a bug in rug.

ALICE: Duchess, please, won’t you have pity on them?

DUCHESS: Never. I’m as stubborn as a mule.

ALICE: I know those two fight like cats and dogs…

DUCHESS: Indeed.

ALICE: …and that you can be as hard as nails…

DUCHESS (smiles): Yes, that’s true.

ALICE: …but they’re cute as a button…

DUCHESS: Well…

ALICE: …and sweet as honey…


DUCHESS (softening): I see your point…

ALICE: …and fun as a barrel of monkeys!

DUCHESS (delighted): Why didn’t you say so! (to SERVANT)Release the prisoners!

(SERVANT exits)

ALICE: Thank you, Duchess.

DUCHESS: Speaking of cats and dogs, my Cheshire cat has disappeared again.

ALICE: He’s run off?

DUCHESS: No. I mean exactly that—he has disappeared. He has this strange habit of vanishing right in front of my eyes. Sometimes all I can see is his grin. Then he’s just gone like the wind.

(SERVANT enters with DINAH and MICAH)

DUCHESS: Ah, here come your friends now. (to DINAH and MICAH)You have been released.

DINAH: Thank you, Duchess. We feel as free as a bird.

DUCHESS: Excellent!

MICAH: Yeah, that’s cool... (Yikes, it’s a metaphor! ALICE and DINAH give him a dirty look; the DUCHESS starts to look upset; MICAH quickly adds)…as a cucumber.

19


20

DUCHESS: Farewell. If you want an invitation to the croquet match in the Queen’s garden, then I suggest you visit the March Hare and the Mad Hatter. They know her very well. I’m still waiting for the Rabbits to bring me my invitation. Of course, the Hare and Hatter have been having a tea party since last May. They are both raving mad—I should think you will fit in quite nicely. Like a glove!

(SHE exits, smiling, with SERVANTS.)

MICAH: Come on, I smell food this direction.

(THEY all start walking.)

ALICE: I’m quite hungry, actually. I never ate our sandwiches.

MICAH (grumbling, to audience): Neither did I.

DINAH: Look. I think we found the tea party.

(MAD HATTER, MARCH HARE, and DOORMOUSE are sitting at a table. Or THEY can be standing, sipping tea. The DOORMOUSE, however, is asleep.)

MARCH HARE: Welcome! Welcome to our tea party. I am the March Hare. And this is the Mad Hatter.

HATTER: However did you find us? Did you take the gravy train? Perhaps a gravy boat? And what did you bring to eat?

ALICE: I’m sorry, but we don’t have any food. I left the sandwiches by the river.

HATTER: No matter. You can eat my words.

ALICE: Excuse me?

MARCH HARE: It’s food for thought.

MICAH: That doesn’t sound very tasty.


HATTER: Au contraire! Just add a little spice of life and salt of the earth.

MARCH HARE: And for dessert there’s pie in the sky.

DINAH: Do you have anything to drink?

HATTER: Absolutely. The perfect thing for a cat. (looking around)Now where did I put that milk of human kindness?

MARCH HARE: Meanwhile, take some more tea!

DINAH: We haven’t had any yet so we can’t take more.

HATTER: You mean you can’t take LESS. It’s very easy to take more.

ALICE: This is a very strange tea party.

DOORMOUSE (waking suddenly, shouts): Is it soup yet?

MARCH HARE: Oh look. You’ve awakened the Doormouse!

HATTER and MARCH HARE: Excellent!

HATTER (to the THREE): Come, join our party!

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22

MARCH HARE, MAD HATTER, DOORMOUSE:

Sit down, chew the fat, it’s so tasty when friedWith nice couch potato that’s served on the side. Go nuts, go bananas, but don’t spill the beansAnd have a tough cookie straight from the Marines.

We’re crazy ’bout food, don’t you see?We hope that it’s your cup of tea. Don’t you agree that there’s no recipe for disaster that’s faster than listening to me?We’re crazy ’bout food, don’t you see?

Yes here you can bite off more than you can chewYou’re having your cake and you’re eating it too. It’s our bread and butter, as easy as pieFor dessert, baked apple of somebody’s eye.

We’re crazy ’bout food, don’t you see?We hope that it’s your cup of tea. Don’t you agree that there’s no recipe for disaster that’s faster than listening to me?We’re crazy ’bout food, don’t you see?

If it’s hard to swallow and you have a bone to pickTake it with a grain of saltAnd if it still leaves a bad taste in your mouth It is completely HIS fault! (THEY all point to each other)

This nice fruity beverage can pack quite a punchAnd who says there’s no such thing as a free lunch? We’re serving it all with great zest and great zealYou cannot cut corners and have a square meal.

MARCH HARE, MAD HATTER, DOORMOUSE, and CHORUS:We’re crazy ’bout food, don’t you see?We hope that it’s your cup of tea. Don’t you agree that there’s no recipe for disaster that’s faster than listening to me?We’re crazy ’bout food, don’t you see?

Instrumentation for SONG 6: Drums, double bass, tenor banjo, electric, vibraphone, alto saxophone, 2 tenor saxophones, trombone, and trumpet, organ

Song 6/16


(At the end of the song, the DOORMOUSE immediately falls asleep again.)

ALICE: Could you tell me where we can find the garden of the Queen of Hearts?

HATTER: Have you been invited to the croquet match?

MICAH: Yes we have! Absolutely.

HATTER: Splendid! Then you will need a flamingo.

ALICE: A flamingo? What for?

MARCH HARE: To hit the hedgehog with, of course. Have you never played croquet?

DINAH: It’s, uh, been a while. Would you have a flamingo we could borrow?

HATTER: I always carry a flamingo with me, in case it rains. Here. (Hands over a pink FLAMINGO, who is an actor.)

MARCH HARE: And take this hedgehog. The Queen’s garden is right down this road. (Hands over a HEDGEHOG, who is also an actor.)

ALICE: Thank you. And thank you for the tea.

MICAH: But I didn’t get anything to eat!

DOORMOUSE: That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

HATTER: Look! The Doormouse has awakened again. Twice in one day! Isn’t that just frosting on the cake!

(HATTER, DOORMOUSE, and HARE all sing/hum and skip off stage. ALICE, DINAH, and MICAH walk down the road.)

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DINAH: I hope this garden is worth all the fuss.

HEDGEHOG: Oh, it’s lovely. Although I don’t like being bashed around all day.

FLAMINGO: It’s MY head that bashes you around, and I’m not too thrilled about that either.

ALICE: Then why do you do it?

HEDGEHOG: You clearly have not met the Queen. She’s always threatening to cut off people’s heads if they do the slightest thing she doesn’t like.

FLAMINGO: It never happens, mind you. But she’s very dramatic.

HEDGEHOG: Quiet! Here she is! (hides behind ALICE)

QUEEN (entering and walking quickly up to ALICE): Ah! Just who I was looking for!

ALICE: Who, me?

QUEEN: You HAVE come to play croquet, haven’t you?

ALICE: Well…

QUEEN: You must! I insist! You have a flamingo—come smack that hedgehog around my garden.

HEDGEHOG: Not again.

QUEEN: Who said that? (looking around at everyone)Off with his head! (noticing DINAH; looks HER over)Are you a CAT?

DINAH: Yes I am. Can’t you tell by my aloofness?


25

QUEEN: You’re not a cat BURGLAR, are you?

DINAH: No. Just a cat.

QUEEN: Good. I hate people who steal cats.

MICAH: So THAT’s what that means.

QUEEN: WHO SAID THAT? (looking around frantically)Off with his head!

ALICE: You were talking about croquet.

QUEEN: Oh yes, quite right. You see, I am the Queen of Hearts. Every year we have a croquet match in my garden, and every year we lose to the Clubs, Diamonds, and Spades. This year we simply MUST win.

DINAH: Why do you lose?

QUEEN (frantic): Why do we lose? Why do we lose?! Because we’re TERRIBLE, that’s why. To get to the heart of it, none of the Hearts has any talent. I can’t get half the suit to play at all anymore. They’ve lost heart.

FLAMINGO: We’ve seen them. She’s right. Last year the Six of Hearts poked his eye out with a flamingo.

HEDGEHOG: It’s true—the King is the only decent player.

QUEEN: And he’s away presiding over a trial. Oh, it just breaks my heart.

QUEEN, HEDGEHOG, FLAMINGO:The ace has got a one-track mindThe two has two left feetThe three just got the third degreeThe four took five and won’t compete.

Song 7/17

Instrumentation for SONG 7: Drums, bass, piano, organ, trombone, trumpet, 2 tenor saxophones, 2 electric guitars


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The six and seven just ate nineThe ten is just one zeroThe Jack’s a knaveOh who will save our game? We need a hero!

Have a heart CHORUS: Come on and playHave a heart CHORUS: You’ll love croquet.It’s sure to suit youWe’ll all salute you CHORUS: From the heart today!

Have a heart CHORUS: Come on and playHave a heart CHORUS: You’ll love croquet.Put your heart in itAnd we can win it CHORUS: Come and play your partHave a heart!

The ace looks out for number oneAnd two can’t play that gameThe three’s a crowd and won’t come forthDon’t give me five—he’s got bad aim.

The six and seven just ate nineThe ten is just one zeroThe Jack’s a knaveOh who will save our game? We need a hero!

Have a heart CHORUS: Come on and playHave a heart CHORUS: You’ll love croquet.It’s sure to suit youWe’ll all salute you CHORUS: From the heart today!


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Have a heart CHORUS: Come on and playHave a heart CHORUS: You’ll love croquet.Put your heart in itAnd we can win it CHORUS: Come and play your part

QUEEN, HEDGEHOG, FLAMINGO, and CHORUS:Have a heart!Have a heart!

QUEEN (excited): I must go have a heart-to-heart with the umpire to add your name to our suit. Hurry along. (SHE starts to leave, then turns around and says rather cheerily)And remember, if you don’t win, it’s off with your heads!

(QUEEN, FLAMINGO, and HEDGEHOG exit.)

MICAH: Did she use the plural? I thought I heard a plural.

DINAH: The Flamingo said that no one actually loses his head.

MICAH: The Flamingo is also a croquet mallet. He probably has brain damage.

ALICE: What have I done? We can’t risk losing our heads. Why must all the creatures in this place be so easily offended?

CHESHIRE CAT #1 (appearing): So, how are you getting on?

MICAH: Yikes! A cat!

CHESHIRE CAT #1: I am a Cheshire Cat.

CHESHIRE CAT #2 (appearing): And I am also a Cheshire Cat.


28

MICAH: Another one! And they’re grinning! Cats shouldn’t grin. It’s eerie.

CAT #1: That’s what we do.

CAT #2: Sometimes that’s all there is—just our grin.

ALICE: Well! I have often seen a cat without a grin, but a grin without a cat! It’s the most curious thing I ever heard of.

CAT #1: Oh, we have lots more curious things than that in our zoo. It’s a very peculiar kind of zoo.

MICAH: Why doesn’t that surprise me?

CAT #2: It’s the Alliteration Zoo.

CHESHIRE CATS:Baboons are busy building bikesAnd crocodiles are cracking codesDeer display a derring-doAt the alliteration zoo.

Feel free to feed your favorite frogWhile giggling gibbons greet the guestsHedgehogs have a handsome hueAt the alliteration zoo.

The jaguars jumpKoalas cookThere’re laughing llamas tooThe mice make mintsThe newts make newsAnd porcupines play peek-a-boo.

The quail request a quid pro quoThe rocks are rife with roguish ratsSeals sup on savory stewAt the alliteration zoo.

Song 8/18

Instrumentation for SONG 8: Drums, bass, 3 acoustic guitars, 2 electric guitars, organ, tambourine


29

The turtles trot until they’re tiredThe vultures veto vegetablesWeasels wonder who is whoAt the alliteration zoo.

CHESHIRE CATS and CHORUS:

The yaks can yellAnd zebras zingAcross exotic groundsAnd there’s one thingThat they all shareThey all repeat initial sounds.

There’re lots more animals to seeChinchilla, cheetah, chimpanzeeThey’re all waiting here for youAt the alliteration zoo.

(CHESHIRE CATS exit. WHITE RABBIT #1 enters quickly, flustered.)

RABBIT #1 (to ALICE): My oh my, there you are. You’re late! You’re late!

ALICE: Late for what?

RABBIT: Your trial, of course. Well, don’t just stand there, come along!

DINAH: Where?

RABBIT: Exactly where you are. Are you paying attention?

ALICE: I’m afraid I will never get used to this place.

RABBIT (nudging ALICE towards the other side of the stage): Go on. Don’t keep the King of Hearts and his Prosecutors waiting.


30

(TWO PROSECUTORS and the KING OF HEARTS appear. The KING is seated behind a desk. The PROSECUTORS stand in front of it. ALICE, DINAH, and MICAH all face the KING.)

KING: Aha! Which one of you stole the tarts?

PROSECUTOR #1: Pardon me, Your Majesty. But we already established that the Knave of Hearts stole your wife’s tarts.

KING: We did?

PROSECUTOR #2: Remember? (recites nursery rhyme)

The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day: The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took them quite away.

KING: I LOVE tarts!

PROSECUTOR #1: Yes, Your Majesty. But let’s try to move past the tarts.

PROSECUTOR #2 (pointing at ALICE): This girl is guilty of far greater crimes.

KING: Read the accusation.

PROSECUTOR #1 (reading from paper): Arson! She once burned her bridges.

PROSECUTOR #2 (reading from paper): And vandalism! She’s broken bread, stride, silence, and a habit.

KING: The nerve!

PROSECUTOR #1: That’s just it, Your Majesty. She has no nerve.

KING: No nerve?


31

PROSECUTOR #2: She lost it. She loses everything.

PROSECUTOR #1 (reading from list): She also lost count, touch, ground, sleep, and track.

ALICE (upset): This is absolutely ridiculous!

PROSECUTOR #2: You see? She just lost her temper.

KING: How very irresponsible.

MICAH: Let me defend you, Alice. You can beat this rap.

PROSECUTOR #1: She wants to beat a rap! Why, that’s aggravated assault! I’ve heard she has also beaten the clock.

KING: Where does she do all this beating?

PROSECUTOR #2: Around the bush.

PROSECUTOR #1: And we have it on good authority that she has hit a snag.

KING: No!

PROSECUTOR #2: And a wall.

PROSECUTOR #1: Why, last year alone she hit the books, the brakes, the dirt, and the sack.

KING (to ALICE): What do you have to say for yourself?

PROSECUTOR #2: Be careful, Your Majesty. She may hit the roof.

KING: Do you deny the charges?


32

ALICE: You are taking all these idioms literally! I have never actually hit or beaten anything!

PROSECUTOR #1: You see how dangerous she is, Your Majesty? Even here in court she’s killing time.

DINAH: You haven’t told her how she might acquire a defense.

KING: She wants a choir for defense? Why didn’t you say so?

DINAH: No, that’s not what…

KING: Bring in the Choir for the Defense!

(CHOIR enters)

CHOIR MEMBER #1: What’s missing here, Your Majesty, is an appreciation for the history of the charges against Alice.

CHOIR MEMBER #2: These idioms are frozen bits of language that have cool origins.

CHOIR MEMBER #3: Once you know how an idiom began, you’ll understand what it’s really trying to say.

CHOIR: Idioms have tales to tellIdioms have tales to tellFull of history as wellIdioms have tales to tell.

They say it’s raining cats and dogsBut why not elephants and hogs?Now that would be some heavy rainAnd even worse than a Great Dane.

White lies are minor falsehoods, true,But why can’t they be green or blue?So if you are a language fanGo see how idioms began!

Song 9/19

Instrumentation for SONG 9: Drums, bass, lap steel guitar, organ, piano, tambourine, handclaps


33

CHOIR and CHORUS (CHORUS can clap):Idioms have tales to tellIdioms have tales to tellFull of history as wellIdioms have tales to tell.

CHOIR:Been in a pickle? I submitYou probably did not relish it. Did you cut the mustard? What was meant?Who gets to choose the condiment?

These idioms you learn by heartBut how did each one get its start? Since it’s a runneth-over cupPick out just one and look it up!

CHOIR and CHORUS:Idioms have tales to tellIdioms have tales to tellFull of history as wellIdioms have tales to tell.Idioms have tales to tell.

(CHOIR exits.)

KING: What a splendid defense! You certainly pulled out all the stops. I feel I must change my tune: case dismissed!

MICAH: That’s music to my ears.

DINAH: You’ve certainly hit the right note with me.

ALICE: If you would all stop with the music idioms for a moment, perhaps you could tell me how we are ever going to get out of here.

MICAH: I guess we’ll just have to play it by ear.

DINAH: Micah, stop it.


34

ALICE: No, he’s right. There’s only one way back home: we have to…

CLASS: Face the music!

CLASS:If you feel a bit perplexedWondering what will happen nextIn Alice’s Adventures with Idioms

Well you are not the only one’Cause I’m afraid that we are doneWith Alice’s Adventures with Idioms.

If we told ya that the story’s trueWell we all know that you might scoffWe hope that you enjoyed the showWe hope we knocked your socks right off.

CLASS: Ooooo!

ONE STUDENT (spoken to audience): Please—it’s just an idiom!

CLASS:The real book will make you screamIt turns out it’s all a dreamOf Alice’s Adventures with Idioms

So let’s just say it ended fineAnd everyone is on cloud nineIn Alice’s Adventures with Idioms. In Alice’s Adventures with Idioms.

THE END

Song 10/20

Instrumentation for SONG 10: Drums, bass, acoustic guitar, 2 electric guitars, piano, organ, tambourine


Documents

CLASS: Wonderland revised for you Here’s Alice’s Adventures with … · 2018-11-30 · CLASS: Here’s a classic done up new Wonderland revised for you Here’s Alice’s Adventures