Claiming Your Power and Dignity

Copyright 2012 RPW Inc.

BOYFRIENDS/ BOYFRIENDS/ GIRLFRIENDSGIRLFRIENDS

Boy Crazy Don’t care

Sometimes Care

Never Care

Rules of Hooking Up• You can’t get away with hooking up behind

someone’s back. There are no private hook-ups anymore.

• No excuses like: “It’s not my fault, he likes me better.” “I was drunk.”

• Don’t talk to other people about the reasons why OOI didn’t like the ex and/or likes you better.

Rules of Hooking Up

No one has dibs on someone forever. That said:

Guys: You’re taking advantage of your friendship when you ask a friend if they like the person you want to hook up with because you know they have to say no.

Women: Same goes for you except you can’t get mad if the girl says, “Yes, I mind.”

Rules of Hooking Up

• Don’t ditch friends or lie to go out with OOI.

• Under no circumstances are you within your rights to be completely obvious in front of your Ex. No sitting on laps, being picked up and thrown around, and shrieking.

• If you have an unplanned hook up with a friend’s OOI, tell your friend within an hour or else they will find out from someone else.

Copyright 2012 RPW Inc.

If you are the ex:• It’s not weak to admit the position

is uncomfortable.

• If you find out confront your friend and the ex with self-control and dignity.

• Remember to hold everyone responsible.

• You’re allowed to be upset but you don’t have the right to seek revenge.

You’re hanging out with a guy who used to hang out with another girl. You have a ton of mutual friends. At a recent party, the girl loudly said “Slut!” and then laughed when you walked into the room. Today someone tells you that she’s trashing you on her FB wall. She didn’t name you specifically but it’s obvious that she’s talking about you and she’s come up with a rude nickname. Do you…

• Pretend it’s not happening?

• Ask the guy to talk to her?

• Start your own FB war?

It’s so Tempting to Seek Revenge

• STOP: Breathe, listen, and think when and where, now or later?

• EXPLAIN: What happened that you don’t like and what you want.

• AFFIRM: Affirm and acknowledge.

• LOCK: In the friendship, take a vacation or lock it out.

SEALSEAL

Have a face to face conversation or send one private email or FB message using SEAL:

At the party last night, you yelled , “Slut” whenever I came into the room. I’m pretty confident that what you said was directed at me. But even if it wasn’t, it’s still wrong. And I know you’re writing the same thing on your FB wall. Obviously, I can’t control what you’re saying about me and I don’t expect to be friends with you but I have the right to hang out at parties.

Drama Vs. Bullying: What’s the Difference?

Bullying is using power or strength to make someone feel worthless. Usually defined as being one way and repeated.

Drama is an exciting, unexpected, emotional series of events. Always defined as a conflict where both people are actively involved and not serious or hurtful.

Teasing

• You feel liked by the person

• You don’t feel that the person wants to put

you down

• They will stop if you ask.

Good Teasing

• You don’t like it, but the teaser either

doesn't know how you feel or dismisses

your feelings.

• They blow you off with, “I was just

joking.” “You’re so sensitive!”

Unintentional Bad Teasing

• You’re teased about something you’re insecure about.

• If you defend yourself, you’re labeled as

uptight or threatened with ending the

friendship.

• The teasing is relentless and often in front of other people.

Bad Teasing/ Bullying

Is This Really My Problem?Walking back after practice (or driving home):

Andy: Can you believe Jack made the cut? The guy is so weak… and I know he went to coach and whined about us messing with him before practice.

Mark: Do you really have to get on his case all the time? That guy has done nothing to you.

Andy: Actually, yes. He totally deserves it.

Mark: All I’m saying is that I think you could just let up a little.

Andy: Wait, I’m sorry, do you need a tampon?

Mark: See, this is exactly what I’m talking about…

Andy: Where is this coming from? You know me. And you laughed in the locker room when he ran out of there.

Mark: Well, I’m not proud of it but I haven’t said anything (or I laughed) because I just haven’t wanted to deal with it. But it’s over the line. You yell slut or fag at people in the hall. Jack wants to quit the team. And I can’t go to a party without having to deal with you trying to start a fight with someone.

Andy: This is possibly the most gay conversation I’ve ever had.

Mark: Fine you don’t have to listen to me. But no one else is going to call you out on this and I’m doing it because you’re my friend. So just think about it. We can go home, watch the game and talk about it later.

Did you hear what everyone is saying about you?

Copyright 2012 RPW Inc.

Common responses:

•Disappear until graduation•Immediately talk to whoever you can, go to FB, and check what people are saying.•Plot with your friend about how to get back at the person who you think started it.•Say, “Whatever, it’s not worth it.” But really worry about it a lot.

STOP: What is the messenger’s motivation? Your answer: “Thanks for telling me. Please don’t talk about this with others.”

Explain: I’m hearing that you’re talking X about me. I’m not asking to tell me if the gossip is true. I’m asking that if any part of it’s true that you stop. I know I can’t control what you do but I’m showing the respect to come to you face to face to ask what’s going on.

There’s nothing going on. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Affirm/acknowledge: Ok-then I’d expect the things I’m hearing to end. But, If I did something that upset you I want to know. But if you’re mad at me, you have to tell me.

Lock (if appropriate) We used to be good friends. If you ever want to talk about this, I’m here.

Getting Some Control

Here’s the SEAL

I can’t control what he does. I’m not going to go back at him

because that’s exactly what he wants me to do. (Can’t say, I’m

not going to be so immature, pathetic, stupid etc.) I’v told him

to stop attacking me. It’s up to him. I hope you will back me up

by not talking about/forwarding it.

Copyright 2012 RPW Inc.

I kept asking, “Why me?” I had so many

emotions. I was worried. I tried to think about

what I could have done to make them do this to

me. And I really didn’t move on. I wanted my

friends back. I don’t like admitting it now, but

after I found out it was my closest friends, I think

if they had been nice to me the next day I

probably would have taken them back.

Maya: I want to talk to you about you taking my phone.

Jordan: You know I was just kidding!

Maya: Taking my phone without telling me and then sending those texts to Will really embarrassed me.

Jordan: You’re making such a big deal out of this! If you did it to me, I wouldn’t care! I’d think it was funny!”

Maya: Well, you’re not me so you can’t tell me how I feel.

Jordan: Fine, if you can’t take something so little as this, then we really don’t need to be friends.

Maya: Friends have to be able to tell each other what they’re really thinking. Think about it and get back to me.

Telling to get someone in

trouble.

The goal is to make the

problem bigger and more

public.

Telling because the problem is

too big to solve on your own.

The goal is to right a wrong.

Snitching Reportingvs.

Telling someone you’re worriedThis is uncomfortable for me to bring up with you but I noticed you always

go to the bathroom after lunch. I’m worried you’re throwing up.

What? I’m fine! Don’t worry about it! I just felt really sick after that pizza today so I just did it this one time, seriously – I’m fine. So, are you ready for that quiz tomorrow? I didn’t study at all.

Look, I need to say this to you. I’m really worried that you may have an eating disorder. As your friend I can’t pretend nothing is wrong when you may be in trouble.

Seriously? I’m fine. I just feel sick when I eat too much and now I feel better, I didn’t realize my best friend was the food police.

Is there any possibility that you’d be willing to talk to someone about it?

No way, I’m fine. If I need help I’ll get it. Promise me you won’t freak out and tell someone ok?

I can’t promise that. I really think you should talk to someone. I’ll even go with you. Think about it and let’s talk later.

I’m fine! Can we please stop talking about this? I’m going to be really late for class.

Keep asking yourself

Who can I go to for support? Not people who will help me retaliate but who will listen to me and help me think through how to handle this problem in a way I can be proud of and I can get some true control over the situation?

02/02/12 Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.

My Relationship RightsList the three rights that are most important to you in a relationship or friendship.

1.

2.

3.

My Deal BreakersList three ways that someone could treat you where you would consider ending the friendship/relationship.

1.

2.

3.

Your words get turned around

Stop: Put your bad feelings to words. Choose time.

Explain: “Yesterday when we were hanging out with your friends, you ridiculed everything I said.”

“What? I have no idea what you’re talking about…”

Affirm: “You don’t have to agree with me but I’m telling you that that’s what I feel and you can’t disagree with that.”

Lock: I want to keep hanging out so I am taking the risk of telling you.

“Fine! If you really need me to say sorry, then fine I’m sorry. Can we stop talking about this now?”

The way you apologized came across like you just want me to stop talking about this not like you’re actually sorry. Am I right?

SEAL SCENARIOSYou are a student leader/captain and have a friend who is fine one on one but likes to go out of his way to make people miserable. He has done it in front of you, nothing too intense but still it’s not good.

•How does this person impact your leadership?

•What if the person wasn’t your friend?

•What if the freshmen was really annoying?

Always Remember• People have the right to be angry with you but they

don’t have the right to express their anger by humiliating you.

• There’s never going to be an answer about what you did that justifies their actions.

Important Questions to Ask Yourself:

• If I don’t confront them, what message am I communicating?

• How is their behavior impacting my life?

02/02/12 Copyright 2010 RPW Inc.