Chinese Parenting Guide - English

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Spectrum Migrant Resource Centre

Second Edition

2008

Parenting in a New CultureA guide for Australian-Chinese parents


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Dedication

This guide is dedicated to all Chinese migrant parents living and bringing up their children

and teenagers in Australia.

I a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.

I a child lives with hostility, he learns to fght.

I a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.

I a child lives with ear, he learns to be apprehensive.

I a child lives with shame, he learns to eel guilty.

I a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

I a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confdent.

I a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.

I a child lives with recognition, he learns it is good to have a goal.

I a child lives with honesty, he learns what truth is.

I a child lives with airness, he learns justice.

I a child lives with security, he learns to have aith in himsel & those around him.

I a child lives with riendliness, he learns the world is a nice place in which to live,

to love and to be loved.

Anonymous


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Acknowledgments

This parenting guide was produced to assist new immigrant parents in raising their children in a newcountry. The rst edition was released in 2004 and distributed to Chinese parents living throughout

Australia.

This second edition builds on the eedback and suggestions that we received rom Chinese

parents who read the rst edition and ound it helpul. The second edition also eatures the

advice and expertise o Chinese parenting experts who were invited to participate in our panel

o experts. These individuals were selected careully on the basis o their experience as Chinese

parents in raising their own children in the Australian environment. Furthermore, the parentingexperts are qualied and educated within a relevant area that complements their experience as

Australian-Chinese immigrants.

I would like to thank our Family Services Manager Dr Khairy Majeed who has been a principal

contributor in the design o the ramework and all research that has led to this successul series o

parenting guides. Dennis Glover is thanked or his contribution as our in-house editor, and Denise

Goldnch in assisting in the design and marketing.

The Australian Commonwealth Government through the Department o Families, Housing, Community

Services and Indigenous Aairs had the oresight to provide unds or this project via the Responding

Early Assisting Children (REACh) unding program. The views expressed in this publication are those

solely o the authors and do not necessarily represent the views o the Minister or the Commonwealth

Government Department o Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Aairs.

Stephanie Lagos

Chie Executive Ocer

How can I get a copy o this guide?

You can get additional copies o this guide by:

Printingacopyfromourwebsite-www.spectrumvic.org.au

Visitingusatourmainofce-251HighStreet,Preston Contactingusdirectlyviatelephone(+61)(03)94960200.


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Table o contents

Dedication ........................................................................................................... 1

Acknowledgments ................................................................................................. 2

How can I get a copy o this guide .......................................................................... 2

Introduction .......................................................................................................... 4

Session1:ParentingAustralianChinesechildrenandteenagers..................................5

Session 2: Understanding how your child develops .................................................. 11

Session3:Helpingyourchildrendevelopselfcondence ......................................... 21

Session 4: Improving your childrens language and social skills ................................. 25

Session5:Howtocommunicatefeelings ................................................................ 29

Session6:Stoptheghtswithyourchildren ............................................................ 33

Session 7: How to discipline your children .............................................................. 39

Session 8: Managing amily stress ......................................................................... 45

Session9:Dealingwithteenagers ......................................................................... 49

MembersoftheParentingExpertPanel.................................................................. 57


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Introduction

As a migrant parent you are likely to have experienced many challenges. These can include bridgingthe cultural values you were taught about parenting with those values that are commonly practicedby parents born in Australia.

As parents you may be worried that by raising your children here in Australia they will reject ororget their Chinese cultural heritage and language. You may also be concerned that they will ail toparticipate or take up opportunities in mainstream Australia.

It is natural to have some o these concerns, but it is also important or parents to know that you are

more likely to produce condent and sel assured children by insisting your children learn about theirChinese cultural traditions, and also become amiliar and participate in mainstream cultural lie.Children raised in this way are also more likely to grow up to become successul adults.

This guide was inspired by new migrant parents who approached the Spectrum Migrant ResourceCentre seeking advice and guidance about parenting in a new cultural environment. Many Chineseparents are here in Australia without the support or guidance o their own parents or relatives, andare reluctant to seek the advice o strangers or proessionals outside the amily.

This guide oers an opportunity to assist you without judging you as parents or prescribing the rightand wrong ways to raise your children. We recommend that both mothers and athers read the guidetogethertogainthemostbenet.Parentingissuescoveredinthisguidebookinclude:

Comparingandndingoutaboutthedifferentideas,valuesandfashionsyourchildrenwillbeexposed to at school and when mixing with Australian born riends;

Australianlawsaboutchildren,andyourlegalobligationsinprotectingyourchildrenfromharm; Becomingfamiliarwiththephysical,socialandemotionaldevelopmentalstagesyourchildwill

progress through as he or she grows; Practicalexercisesforbothmothersandfathersinsolvingsomedifcultsituationswith

your teenagers.

Spectrum is always trying to improve our services to new migrant parents as we provide you with helpto settle here in Australia. We look orward to your eedback on this guide, and you can also ndout about our other services through our website - www.spectrumvic.org.au.

Try not to worry, and remember that many other Australian-Chinese parents who have migrated to

Australia beore you, have brought up loving and successul children who bring joy and pride to theiramilies and to the whole Australian community.

Stephanie LagosChie Executive Ocer


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Session 1 :

Parenting AustralianChinese children and

teenagers in a new culture


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Session 1: Parenting Australian-Chinese children and teenagersin a new culture

Traditional Chinese amily values

The amily is the bedrock o Chinese society. The

sometimes strict rules governing Chinese amilies

(oten reerred to as lial piety) were originally

infuenced by economic necessity and Conucian

philosophy. The rules and customs that govern

Chinese amily lie have evolved throughout

Chinese history to meet changing circumstances

and prevailing ways o thinking. Your own

parents may have brought you up according to

some o these rules:

givingprimacytoboysovergirls,includingininheritance

demanding you strictly obey them in all

matters, throughout your lie decisions about

your education, career, marriage partner and

your nancial and business dealings

asadultsyouareresponsibleforsupporting

your parents emotionally, socially and

nancially in their old age

yourparentsownobligationtosupportyou

ully even ater you become an adult, using

all the resources o the amily.

For instance:

Didyourparentschooseyourcareerforyou?

Did they insist that youwork in the family

business until you were able to leave home?

Were you brought up by grandparents,

because your parents were always at work?

Didtheyhityouasaformofdisciplinewhen

you misbehaved?

Chinese amily values today

While much has changed in recent generations,

and whilst every amily brings up its children in

its own way, traditional Chinese values are still

infuential. For instance, you may expect your

children to study hard and achieve high grades

at school and enter university, as a mark o their

respect or you.

Recent research is showing that many o the

younger generations o Australian born Chinese,

are infuenced by Australian values on individual

reedom and happiness, and are demanding

changes rom their parents.

Your own children may be demanding greater

personal reedom than you were given by your

parents, like the right to choose riends you dont

approve o. They perhaps want more scope to

express their individuality and creativity, such

as rejecting school subjects and the career you

think is best or your childrens uture. Obviously,this has the potential to cause confict within your

amily.


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Traditional Chinese family values Typical Australian family values

Boys and girls may be treated differently

because o their gender

Boys and girls are not necessarily treated

dierently because o their gender

Strict obedience to the decision o parents is

expected rom children, especially decisions

o the ather

Children can openly question or challenge

parents decisions and decision making

processes

Children are expected to meet academic andcareer goals set by their parents

Children are encouraged to set their ownindividual goals depending on their individual

interests

Obligations to support parents Sel-reliance is expected rom all members o

the amily including elders

Strong emphasis on academic and nancial

success

Children encouraged to be happy and

ollow their own path or what interests them

Family honour and shame may aect

extended amily

Each member o the amily is expected to take

personal responsibility or their choices

Children are expected to show pride in,

respect and ollow their cultural and amily

traditions

Children are expected to develop strong sel-

esteem and are permitted to question traditions

and only ollow those amily traditions thatappeal to them


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A amilys social standing is measured by the

degree to which children are seen to ollow

cultural Chinese norms. Symbols o high statusmay include:

havingcompletedtertiaryeducation

beinginanacademicrelatedprofession

childrenwho,asadults,continuetoobey

their parents wishes when makingdecisions

childrenwhocontinuetobeclosetoand

socialise with their parents

children who marry someone that the

parents choose or approve

A amilys social standing is set by the

possession o social and economic symbols o

success. These may include:

childrenattendingprivateorhighachieving

schools

livinginamiddleclasssuburbandbeing

in a proession or trade associated with

good nancial rewards

childrenachievingnancialindependence

rom their parents and establishing their

own separate riendships and social

networks outside the amily.

Positive parenting

What is the best way to bring up children? Every

culture and every amily has its own way, and

this guide makes no judgement about which

way is best. One thing or you to consider is

applying the principles o positive parenting.

This means being a parent who raises yourchildren in a way that enhances their abilities

and behaviour. It involves understanding the

way your children think, getting them to listen to

you and appreciating their many needs at each

stage o growing up.

Positiveparentingcanbemadecompatiblewith

every culture. It involves ve important things you

can do or your children:

1. Provideasafeandsecurehomelife

2. Help them learn

3. Teachthemtodealwithconicteffectively

4. Have realistic expectations

5. Takepropercareofyourself.

Being a good role model

Always remember that one o the biggest

infuences on your children will be you. Your

children will look up to you and sometimes

imitate how you do things. Think o your own

parents: while you may have wanted to be

dierent rom your parents in some ways, there

are many ways in which you are very much the

same.Beingagoodrolemodelforyourchildren

is a guaranteed way to keep them close as they

grow older.


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EXERCISE ONEGood ways to resolve conicts

How do your answers to the ollowing questions compare to those o other Australian-Chinese

parents? Under each question below are a range o comments rom other Australian-Chinese

parents.Beforeyoureadon,discusseachofthesecommentsandyourownviewswithyour

amily or the members o your discussion group.

What do you expect o your children?

We hope our children are happy and healthy, capable o achievements, independent, sel-

sucient, helpul, obey their parents with openness and courage, and are not araid o diculties

in lie.

In the Chinese community it is essential that children have a good education. I, or instance

children dont have degree, a successul career or higher income, the amily is looked down upon

and talked about.

Resolving problems

A good exercise as the starting point to prevent uture problems with your children is to know about

yourselfand thewayyouwere raised.By thinkingthroughsomeof the issuesyoubecomemore

condent o what you will do in the uture and what to change i anything?

EXERCISETIP:Theexerciseshouldnottakemorethan1houranditisrecommendedthatyoudothis

exercise with your husband or wie.


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I my children listen or do what I ask I sometimes buy them presents, but i they do something

bad I usually ground them or dont get them what they want. And i they are really bad, then I

occasionally slap them.

What do your children expect o you as parents?

Our children hope we can spend more time with them, play and have activities together,

listen to them, praise and appreciate them, love and respect them, accept and understand them,

encourage them and communicate with them more.

What did you expect o your own parents?

When we were children, we expected love, protection and reedom rom our parents.

When we grew up, we hoped that they could understand and accept us, including our achievement

and our choice o partners and career.

Our parents were too traditional and quite oten too harsh. They tried too hard to ull our

material needs but spent less time to meet our social and psychological needs. Our parents did

not have a good education, so they did not always know how to raise us properly. We cannot

blame them, but we must recognise that society now has changed and living in a new culture

means that we ace new challenges. As parents we can try to improve our parenting skills and

to raise our children properly.

What did your parents expect o you?

BelowarecommentsmadebyotherAustralian-Chineseparents.

When we were children, our parents expected us to ull lial piety, obey them and nottalk back. When we grew up, they expected us to achieve well academically, become more

independent and happy. They did not seem to expect too much rom us as daughters.

I tried not to question my parents and tried hard to be a good daughter. I always listened to my

parents and tried hard not talking back.


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Session 2 :

Understanding how your child develops


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Session 2: Understanding howyour child develops

Every child is dierent but similar

As a parent you will have noticed that every child

is unique. They are individuals, just like you and

your wie or husband, and their needs change

as they grow. Experts have identied ve distinct

stages o development or all children that deal

with their physical, emotional and social needs.Understanding these ve stages will help you

to recognise your childrens development and

progress at each stage.

Five stages of development

Some o the things you should consider when

trying meet your childrens needs at each o

these ve stages are:

Keepingyourchildrensafemeansthatwhen

punishing children you must not physically hurt

them or cause them medical problems by

hitting them too hard. In Australia, there are

many laws which prohibit anyone, including

parents, rom physically punishing children.

In Australia, both parents typically workoutside the home, and this means less time

spent with the children. This is a highly

debated issue amongst Australian amilies.

Many parents nd they are working long

hours and when they come home they are

busy with other responsibilities like cleaning

the house or doing chores around the home.This leaves them tired with little time to play or

talk with their children or join in amily

activities on weekends. You may need to

discuss with your husband or wie and nd

the right balance between the time you spend

at work and time you have let to spend with

your children.

In Australian society, it is considered

important or your child to mix with other

children o all ethnic, cultural, religious

or socio-economic backgrounds. Attending

playgroups, visiting toy libraries and enrolling

your child in a local kindergarten are some

good ways to socialise with other parents

whose children are the same age as yours.

Level 1 Dependence

Level 2 Safety & security

Level 3 Love

Level 4 Recognition

Level 5 Self expression


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PARENTINGTIP:Doyouinviteotherparentstobringtheirchildrentoplayatyourhomeduring

school holidays?

Complimentingyourchildrenwhentheyworkhardatdoingsomethingisveryimportanttohelp

them develop condence and sel-esteem. Your child is oten given praise by their teachers when

they work hard or do well at tests or assignments. Even when a child ails in doing something at

school, their teacher is more likely to give them encouragement and suggestions on how to do

better and also to try again.

Theaimistoteachchildrentoenjoyworkinghardatsomething(suchasreadingandwriting)and

keep practising so they can steadily improve their skills. Once they have achieved a certain level

they are likely to be given something more dicult, so they are taught to constantly keep improving

their skills.

Manychildexpertsrecommendthatchildrenshouldbedisciplinedthroughpositiveencouragement.

This means a child is praised when they do something good or when they behave well, and

ignored when the child misbehaves or breaks a rule. This style o discipline is based on the

premise that children crave attention rom their parents even when they attract attention becauseo bad behaviour. In other words, by ignoring the child when they misbehave you are withdrawing

your attention and the child quickly eels punished by being ignored.

Childexpertsrecommendthatpunishingachildbyscoldingorby lightsmackingonlybeused

as a last resort, and only in emergency situations when the childs misbehaviour can cause harm

to themselves or other children.

Teachers in Australia are not likely to directly approach you when your child is failing ormisbehaving at school. You are likely to be contacted by the school only in some kind o emergency

such as a serious accident requiring medical assistance, a bullying incident or i your child

becomes sick while at school.

Youcanndabouthowyourchildisprogressingatschoolatparent-teachereveningsorganised

by the school throughout the year. As parents you will be invited to meet with your childs teachers

to talk about their progress in all the subjects being taught. During these evenings you can ask

questions about your childs strengths and weaknesses in particular subjects and their behaviourinside and outside the classroom when playing with other children.


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PARENTINGTIP:Youryoungchildlearnsbestthroughactiveplayespeciallyifitinvolvesyourself

or other children. Watching television should be kept to a minimum and should be supervised at

all times by an adult.

EXERCISE TWO

Meeting your childrens developmental needs

For each level o development listed below, think o three actions you can take to provide or your

childrens needs and write them in the space provided.

Developmental level Needs Actions or you to take

Level1:

Dependence

Food, drink, sleep Example: breast and/or bottle eeding

1.

2.

3.

Level 2:

Saety and security

Physicalprotection,a

good routine, reedom to

explore their environment

Example: put a ence around your

swimming pool, teaching road rules

1.

2.

3.

Level3:Love Aection, socialinteraction, riendships

and intimacy

Example: play games as a amily andopenly express aection and love

1.

2.

3.


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Keeping your children physically sae

Your children are most vulnerable in the pre-

school years. Keeping your children sae throughsupervision by an adult is something you should

always do.

Birth to 3 years

In these years, children:

arenaturallycuriousandlearnbytouching,

eeling and exploring

exploreanythingthatgrabstheirinterest,

usually by putting things in their mouth

drinkanything(nomatterwhat)

likemoving,colourfulandmusical/noisy

toys or other objects likecrawlingintosmallspaces.

Because children frombirth to threeyears are

not aware o what is harmul or dangerous they

are at risk o choking, drowning, being poisoned

and burned, or suering other accidents, i let

unsupervised.

From 3 to 5 years

In these years, children:

stopputtingobjectsintheirmouth

learnaboutnewthingsaroundthemthrougheel, touch and exploring any new places

with little thought or understanding o the

inherent dangers

begin to develop some self control, and

begin to ollow some o the rules about

eating, play and sleeping schedules

enjoyplayinggameswithyouandalsolike

to play by themselves by imitating some o

the things you do such as cooking, playing

with dolls or toy cars etc.

Level 4:

Recognition

Feeling competent and

useul, mastering a

particular skill, improvingsel-condence

Example: praising the child or trying to

do their best at school and in activities

which interest them1.

2.

3.

Level5:

Sel expression

Communicating with

others in dierent

situations and getting

to know themselves

and their strengths and

weaknesses

Example: listen to your children and ask

questions about how they see themselves

and others around them

1.

2.

3.


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Accidental injury is the main cause o death

among children in Australia. Such accidents

oten occur unexpectedly, sometimes because

there are no precautions taken in advance.

For more inormation about how you can take

the best precautions to protect your child rom

physical danger, visit: www.kidsaevic.com.au

where inormation sheets in your language can

be downloaded ree o charge.

Understanding childrens mental andemotional development

From 0 to 18 months developing trust

and attachment

During this stage babies learn to trust and develop

a strong attachment to both parents. The degree

to which babies eel secure and develop trust withboth parents depends on whether their needs

are met consistently through regular routines

to eeding, sleeping, bathing and playing with

parents.

A dicult home environment puts the baby at

risk o orming an insecure attachment this

can happen i the home is in chaos, the babyis neglected or i the mother is constantly sick or

depressed.

I a child does not orm a secure attachment they

will ace a host o problems as they grow older.

A child is at risk o having long term emotional

problems such as low sel-esteem or showing

constant clingy or needy behaviours, or becomeat risk o having an eating disorder. Some o the

social problems are showing a lack o sel control,

having problems in maintaining riendship

or eeling alienated rom parents. Sometimes

an insecure attachment can result in diculty

learning speech and language problems.

From 18 months to 3 years developing

autonomy or shame

During this stage your baby becomes a toddler

and learns that he or she is a separate person rom

you, or example they can recognise themselves

inamirror.Fromtheageof18months,childrenmay start to demand things or reuse to ollow

your requests by saying no to ood or sleep.

Children at this stage are very busy learning by

exploring their environment, and by trying to do

things or themselves such as eating or drinking

rom their cup by imitating you and your actions.

Favourite sayings at this age may be, I can doit or let me do it.

Most children emerge rom this stage eager

and happy to learn and explore new situations

or environments, although they lack awareness

o possible risks or dangers. At this stage

it is important that you set clear rules about

consequences when your child misbehaves,especially when they continue to behave in ways

that may cause them harm or accidents.

4 to 6 years initiative or guilt

In these years your childs brain development will

peak and signicant learning is expected to take

place. It is the rst stage where your child willbe expected to tackle tasks by himsel or hersel

rom start to nish.


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Your child will also display great imagination

and play antasy games involving popular super

heroes or robots etc. You will need to encourage

the child when trying to learn new skills like

eating with a spoon and ork or when practising

new words.

It is also important to teach your child rules about

personal saety when crossing roads, respect or

authority gures, making sure that they ollow

good hygiene routines like taking baths orbrushing teeth. During this stage it is important

that you start to teach moral rules such as not

lying or using violence to resolve conficts.

Recent research indicates at this age children

are trying to do things or themselves. I the child

is constantly criticised or ridiculed when they

make mistakes in mastering basic skills such asdressing or playing with a ball they are more

likely to quickly stop trying or reuse to repeat

the task.

It is important or you to understand that the child

at this stage a child is easily embarrassed or eels

guilty when they ail in a task. I you scold them

or even laugh at their attempts they avoid theuncomortable eelings by reusing to try at all.

Children who have learned to avoid ailure by

reusing to do things that are dicult are likely to

have learning diculties at school. It is essential

that as parents you remember that you praise

your children when they learn or try new things

and not only reserve your praise only when theygetitright.Byadoptingthisapproachyouare

teaching your children that learning is un and

becoming good at something takes persistence

and a lot o practice.

From 6 to 9 years developingcompetence

In these years, your child will engage with the

outside world through school. Children are also

expected to achieve skills in reading, writing and

socialising and communicating with children and

adult teachers.

Children who do well at this stage make riends

easily and enjoy team games, maintain school

routines and enjoy learning rom mistakes even

in ront o their peers. Children who are not

coping well are likely to want to avoid going to

school and are oten araid o repeating a task

ater making a mistake.

From 10 to 15 years - the teenage years

This period marks the transition rom childhood to

adulthood. It is likely to be the most challenging

and can cause anxiety or you as parents. At

this stage your child is no longer a child but at

the same time your teenager is not yet an adult.

Family lie with teenagers can be very conusingto all members o the amily. This stage is marked

by the release o growth hormones that cause

physical changes in genital organs, hair, ace

pimples and voice.


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The growth hormones aect your childs moods

and you teenager is more likely to experiment

with risk taking behaviours such as driving

without a licence or start smoking cigarettes

which seem out o character rom the child that

you know. Teenager risk taking behaviours are

likely to test your patience and can make you

eel out o control as parents, and during this

period ghts between parents and teenagers are

common.RisktakingbehaviourisNORMALand

is typical o every teenager around the world.

The most important thing to remember is to keep

communication open with your teenager, even

when they do not seem interested in talking to

you or anyone else in the amily. Your teenager

can be more interested in spending time in

their bedroom or talking to their riends whose

approval and acceptance is extremely important.Remember that even i your child acts like they

do not like you any more, you are still very

infuential and they still need your approval even

i they appear to dismiss your opinions.

This is also a time where your teenager will want

to spend time away rom the amily and demand

more independence and reedom to socialise

with their own riends.

During this time most parents negotiate new rules

with their teenager about school homework,

going out on weekends and during school nights,

money allowances, what they are allowed to

wear, and i you have girls whether they are

allowed to use make-up.

It is your role as a parent to help your teenager

make sensible decisions about all o these

things, and ensure that the decisions are

consistent with your teenagers uture goals.

I they want or expect to do well at school then

you must remind them about the importance

o balancing the time they spend in their aterschool job with their studies.


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EXERCISE THREE

Supporting your childrens mental and emotional developmentThis exercise will help you set up good oundations to meet your childrens needs or long-term

mental and emotional health. Answer yes or no to the questions below.

From 0 to 18 months developing trust and attachment

Do you: Answer yes or no

Raise your voice around the baby when they cry?

Give your child lots o aection through direct eye contact, cuddles

and smiles and words o encouragement?

Do you repeat key words or imitate the sounds your baby makes?

Remain patient towards your baby even i they are crying and you

are not able to soothe their crying?

Use toys to distract your baby when distressed?

From 18 months to 3 years developing autonomy or shame


Understand your childs sense o ownership to individual toys and

their lack o willingness to share?

Allow your children to explore their environment by touching

dierent objects?

Encourage your child to join in playing with other children?

Respond to your childs questions about sensitive subjects, such aswhen learning their toilet routine?


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From 4 to 6 years initiative or guilt


Enable your child to learn inormally by having un together, such

as reading and play-acting avourite stories, encourage them to

make their own drawings, and play with other children?

Know that childrens learning reading and writing their own name

can vary? (Some children will develop these skills at dierent ages

and i their learning is delayed it does not necessarily mean thatyour child lacks intelligence.)

Praiseyourchildwhentheykeeptryingatalltimes,evenwhen

they constantly ail at doing something?

Set clear rules, boundaries and limits and ask them questions about

why they insist on repeating certain naughty behaviours?

Teach your children to keep promises by keeping your own promises?

Teach your children to help other children when they are upset or

in distress?

From 6 to 9 years developing competence


Spend time with your child each day and give them an opportunity

to openly talk about their day?

Listen careully to your child when they express a worry that seems

trivial to you? (it may not be trivial to them)

Watch your children when they are playing team sports?

Encourage your children to solve problems independently (even i

their solutions or conclusions are dierent to yours)?


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From 10 to 15 years - the teenage years


Tell your teenager you love and accept them unconditionally?

Actively listen to and discuss with your teenager their particular

views and opinions which are dierent to yours?

Encourage your children to understand and show examples o

taking responsibility or their actions?

Support your teenager to set and clearly dene their own goals

and what steps they need to take in order to achieve them? I you

do not know, do you try to nd out rom experts?

Feel comortable to say no to your teenager when they want

something and talking calmly about why you reuse their request

even when they seem displeased with you?

Have activities or amily rituals to celebrate your teenagers special

achievements?


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Session 3 :

Helping your children develop sel confdence


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Session 3: Helping your childrendevelop sel confdence

What is sel-esteem?

In general terms, sel-esteem is the collection o

belies or eelings that we have about ourselves.

With young children however, sel-esteem reers

to the extent that they expect to be accepted

and valued by the adults and riends who are

important to them.

Children with a healthy sense o sel-esteem eel

that the important adults in their lives accept them,

care about them and are able to protect them

rom harm. On the other hand, children with low

sel-esteem oten eel that important adults and

peers are unreliable when they need them. Thesechildren oten do not eel sae or secure with

signicant amily members and usually believe

that they are not loved, or do not deserve to be

loved. Thus they conclude that i their parents do

not love them unconditionally they are probably

not very lovable to themselves and others.

Sel-esteem is an important concept or you toincorporate in all aspects o your parenting as it

is essential to the uture wellbeing and happiness

o your child.

Sel-esteem and the Chinese community

How sel-esteem is dened varies rom culture to

culture. In some cultures it is based on physicalappearance, gender, caste membership or race

and measured by education and nances o

various amily members. In the Chinese culture,

the social standing or status o whole amily can

impact upon the sel-esteem o each individual that

isamemberofthatfamily.Butincontemporary

Australian society it is the individuals perceptiono their own success or ailure that denes

sel esteem. Generally speaking, in Australia

individuals are expected to succeed or ail on

their own merits and this has little to do with the

success or ailure o other amily members.

While many Chinese parents stress the importance

o amily, they believe that each member mustwork hard to contribute to the goals o the amily

as set out by the parents. Typically most Chinese

parents expect their children to work very hard

at school and achieve excellent school grades. In

return, the Chinese parents work extremely hard

to oer their children the best opportunities such

as enrolling them in good schools and ater school

subject tutoring classes or music programs.

Most Chinese parents are reluctant to openly

praise their children and worry that their children

can become spoiled by too much praise. In

addition, most Chinese parents are very humble

about their childrens achievements, and are

taught to ocus on correcting what they see asaults in their children, sometimes in ront o other

amily members.


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The table below shows the benets from helping your children develop self-esteem.

Children with positive sel-esteem oten: Children with negative sel-esteem oten:

feeltheyarevaluedbytheirfamilyand

community

actindependently

takeprideintheirownachievements

copewithfrustrationandkeeptryingeven

when they have ailed to master new skills

handlepositiveandnegativeemotionswell

takeresponsibilityfortheirownmistakes

and actions

areabletoovercomeaterribleexperienceor ailure and eel they have learned rom

the experience.

feelunlovedandunimportantwithintheir

amily and community

avoidtryingnewthings

blameothersfortheirownshortcomings

feeleasilyfrustratedwhenthingsdonotgo

as expected

areeasilyinuencedbyothers

placealowvalueontheirowntalentsand

abilities

resorttoviolencetoventtheirfrustrationand disappointment.

As parents you have a crucial role to play in developing and strengthening your childrens

sel-esteem. It involves treating them as people with their own needs, talking to them about their

behaviour and giving them opportunities or experience.

Most Chinese children are not supported to

develop high sel-condence or sel-esteem. This

may be because the Australian-Chinese parents,

who participated in our parenting survey in2006reportedhavinglowlevelsofself-esteem

and sel-condence compared to their Australian

born counterparts.

As parents, we need to be aware o how

important it is or children to develop sel-esteem.

A lack o sel-condence can cause uture

diculties or Australian-Chinese children whenseeking leadership positions which require that

your children have strong belie in themselves

and high levels o sel-condence.


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Improving your childrens sel-esteem

There are a number o ways to help improve your childrens sel-esteem.

Read these tips and discuss them with your amily.

1. Connect your children to their past

To build your childrens sel-esteem, it is important they:

knowaboutandhaveprideintheirfamilysChineseheritage

understandhowtheytintoAustraliaanditsculture

arepositiveabouttheirfuture.

EXERCISE FOUR

Developing pride in your childrens cultural heritage and in Australia

You can help connect your children to their past by developing pride in their Chinese history

and heritage as well as Australian society and culture.

Discuss with your amily what stories, photographs, books, songs and movies you can share

with your children that will increase their understanding o:

yourparentsandgrandparents,homeland,ethnicroots,migrationandsettlement,

and the joys and diculties you encountered

yourChineselanguageandculturalpractices,notpractisedinAustraliathatyougrewup

with and how these have changed over time whilst living in Australia,

yourcurrentplaceinAustraliansocietyandyourroleinthelocalcommunity

yourparticipationinsocial,sporting,religiousorotheractivitiesincludingculturalfestivals

and celebrations

yourgoalsandfuturedreamsforyourfamily

yourhopesforyourchildrensfutureandhowthesehavechangedovertime

yourlanguageandculturalpractices,andwhytheyareimportanttoyouandyour

extended amily.


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2. Learn to praise your children

Your children need to hear your encouraging

comments so that they eel good about themselves.Nochildisperfectsorememberyourchildwill

have both strengths and weaknesses. Always be

honest when you praise them and avoid being

too critical. Talk to them about areas they need

to improve in without criticising them, and also

make time to talk to them and praise them about

their strengths. Remind them that sometimes it

takes time and lots o practice to become good

at something, and sometimes you may not reach

the top even i you are passionate about it.

Gradually your child will become aware o their

particular strengths and weaknesses and start to

understand and believe in themselves.

You will also need to be very giving and generous.Do not orget to praise your children by:

sayingIloveyou,nomatterwhat

tellingthemyouarehappyandluckytohave

them as your children

helping them learn how to solve their own

problems, even i the problems seem trivial toyou.

3. Recognise your childrens

achievements

When children work at learning something or isinvolved in a school competition, do not orget to

praise them by saying:

Welldone.Iamproudofyouwhenyoutry

your best.

Itisgreattoseeyoudoingyourbest.

Youareimprovingallthetime.

Butonlysaythesethingsiftheyaretrue.Remember,

i you praise your children alsely when they

dont deserve it they will ail to understand what

is expected o them. The purpose o recognising

their achievements is to show that you notice the

value o their eorts, and this will encourage

them to keep trying or mastering new skills.

4. Showing aection

For children, actions speak louder than words.

Showing physical aection or looking happy when

you with them can give a lot o encouragement.

You can show your love by:

listeningtoyourchildren

spendingspecialtimetogether

participatingintheirgamesandactivities

giving them warm gestures and affection

whenever possible (smiles, hugs, stroking

their head and hair or back)

allowingthemtohelpyouaroundthehouse

and praising them when trying to help you.


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Session 4 :

Improving your childrens language and social skills


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Session 4: Improvingyour childrens language and

social skillsThe importance o language andsocial skills

Australian society places a strong emphasis on

individual expression and the ability to mix well

with other people outside the amily. This makes

it important or your children to communicatewell and develop eective social skills.

Children learn languages easiest in the rst ve

years o their lie. This makes it an excellent time

to introduce your children to new languages. I

you only speak Chinese at home, this is the time

they should also be learning to speak English. On

other hand I you only speak English at home this

would be a good time to introduce them to your

Chinese language classes or other languages

you would like them to learn.

The early years are also crucial or developing

social skills. In the Chinese culture large extended

amilies are normal and many children socialise

almost exclusively with their relatives. In a new

country where you might not have these extended

amily links, it is a good idea to introduce your

children to as many other children as possible.

As discussed in Session 2, playgroups, libraries,

kindergartens and Chinese language classes are

useul places to meet other children. They also

help your children learn important skills, such ashow to structure their day and be ready on time.

Language development andplay learning

Parentsmayoverlooktheimportanceofplayinchildrens lives including play time with parents.

A traditional Chinese saying about play is that

play gives no benets but hard work does.

Some Chinese parents regard play as a waste

oftime.Perhapsyourownparentsneverplayed

gameswithyou.Butchilddevelopmentexperts

tell us that play is about more than having un; itcan help children learn.

The experts tell us that play:

is a great opportunity for spontaneous

learning and makes learning un

stimulatesexplorationandcuriosity

provides opportunities to mix with other

children and learn important social skills

encourageschildrentodeveloptheirinterests,

abilities and potential

letschildrenrelax,learnhowtohavefun,be

creative and solve problems helps children learn how to express their

eelings.


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Your role in your childrens play andlanguage development

Take a moment to consider how you can:

encourage your children to play without

pointing out their mistakes

joinintheirgamesandhavefunwiththem

avoid dominating their games, and give

them a chance to lead and enjoy their being

the leaders in their own games

encouragethemtousetheirimaginationand

create new games to play

teachthemtoadopttherightvaluesasthey

play - such as sharing, no violence, ollowing

the rules correctly, cooperation and honesty

encourage your child to be creative by

suggesting to them to invent their own games

or rules.

What happens when children havedifculty expressing themselves?

Children who have trouble expressing themselvesmay suer rom emotional stress and/or nd

dicult to socialise with other children. So how

do you know you child is showing signs o

stress?

Children experiencing emotional

stress may:

become easily frustrated and stop playing

when they cannot get their way

throwmoretempertantrums

cryeasilyandndithardtostopevenifyou

are trying to soothe them

screamorhityouorotherchildren

ndithardtosolvedisputes

refusetosocialisewithotherchildrenintheir

age group.

Children experiencing social stress may:

turn out to be quiet, shy, isolated and

withdrawn

lackthecondencetotrynewactivities

becomepassive,timidandaneasytargetfor

teasing and bullying by other children.


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EXERCISE FIVE

Ways to improve your childrens verbal expression and social skillsBelowaretipstohelpimproveyourchildrensverbalexpression.

Discuss them with your amily. How many o these things do you do?

From 0 to 18 months developing trust and attachment


Listen to your children and encourage them to explain what theymean in their words?

Ask them simple questions that encourage them to think

or themselves?

Use every opportunity to encourage them to talk, such as taking

them shopping and asking them to search or goods you want

to buy?

Ask them to describe what they see and hear during trips on the

train, tram, bus or in the car?

Describe to your children the things and people around them,

helping them learn to ocus, concentrate and learn rom new

experiences when doing new activities?

Take them to new places like the zoo, or when visiting amily

overseas ask them to tell you what they see?

Encourage your children to sharpen their senses and practice their

language skills while waiting at dierent places (bus stops, clinics,

and the bank)?

Helpyourchildren(from18monthsonwards)tounderstandwhyone thing ollows another? For instance, when you turn on the

switch, the light is on.


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Teach your children how their behaviour has consequences? Forinstance, touching sharp knives can lead to cuts, or orgetting to

brush their teeth will cause tooth decay.

Playwordgameswithyourchildrentodeveloptheirvocabularyand

speaking skills?

Take them to a playgroup, Chinese language classes

or kindergarten?

Encourage them to speak your Chinese language or other languages

you speak with amily and riends?

Take them to a playgroup, Chinese language classes

or kindergarten?

Encourage them to speak your Chinese language or other languagesyou speak with amily and riends?


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Session 5 :

How to communicate feelings


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Session 5:How to communicate eelings

Expressing emotions in a new culture

In contemporary Australian society parents

rom various cultural backgrounds recognise

the importance o expressing and talking about

emotions and eelings with their children.

Many parents or grandparents o Chinese origin

who have migrated to Australia still practise someo the traditional Chinese parenting methods

that discourage open expression o emotion

behaviours such as:

kissingandhuggingyourchildreninpublic

crying

showingangeroutsideyourhome

lettingyourchildrentalkbacktoyou.

You should be amiliar with many o these rules.

Cast your mind back to the parenting tradition

your parents adopted when you were a child.

Historically, showing emotions was seen as asign o weakness, creating sadness in the amily,

bringing bad luck or undermining parental

authority, especially that o the ather. It was

considered that showing emotions - especially

negative emotions - would threaten amily

cohesion and undermine the authority o parents.

While these cultural parenting rules or practicesmay have suited survival o rural amilies in the

past, todays childhood development experts in

China and elsewhere recommend that parents

place equal attention on the emotional expression

and development o children.

This may be one o the biggest areas o dierences

between traditional Chinese and contemporary

ways o bringing up children. You have migrated

to a new culture where it is expected that parents

will encourage their children to talk with others

about their eelings. Learning how to balance

these new expectations is an example o new

parenting practices that are markedly dierentto what you know or experienced with your own

amily in China. It may be one o the most serious

hurdles you will ace as a parent in Australia.

In some Chinese amilies the communication

o emotions can be dicult, but in Australia

it is not uncommon or teachers and others to

ask children to express their eelings. This can

be conusing or children who may expect you

to behave like their Australian teachers. I you

have diculties as parents in expressing your

love and aection by hugging and kissing and

praising them, your children may eel conused

when they watch television or aectionate

behaviour between their Australian riends withtheir parents. This cultural dierence needs to

be discussed with your children so they do not

interpret this cultural dierence as them being

unloved or unappreciated.


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PARENTINGTIP:Dealingwiththeissueofshowingfeelingsandaffectionwithyourchildrendoes

not mean totally changing the way you relate to your children. You should make yoursel aware

o the cultural dierences and generational changes that are happening even in China since youlet. You may need to make time to discuss with your children how dierent it was between you

and your own parents

Developing good communicationwith your children

You can begin to develop good communication

with your children by:

listening to and observing your childrenas

they express their emotions with their riends

or older sisters and brothers

openlytalkingtoyourchildrenandlearning

to ask them questions

learningtonotinterruptyourchildwhenthey

are talking to you.

Here are some useul tips.

To start listening to and observing your children:

1. Arrangea time andaquietplace to listen

to your children. I you are busy, honour your

promise o listening to your children later.

2. Pay full attention to your children when

they talk.

3. Tell your children that you understand

what they are saying by repeating back

a summary o what they have told you.

4. Use eye contact, a smile and head nodding

when listening to your child

5. Ask questions whichallowyour children to

answer in their own words such as: Tell mein your own words, how did it happen? or

How do you eel now?

6. Squat down and make eye contact when

listening to young children so that you are

physically at their level.

7. Avoid criticising, teasing, ridiculing or judgingyour children as ailures. Try using positive

language and regularly reer to good things

they have done.

8. Listen with sympathy to what your children

say, explain that you understand them and

that you used to have similar experiences at

their age.

9. Trytounderstandandacceptyourchildrens

eelings without becoming upset or

uncomortable with them at the time or else

they will avoid showing or expressing their

eelings with you.


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To talk to your children in a way that will get the best response:

1. Holddiscussionswithyourchildrenfromasearlyanageaspossibletohelpthemgainskillsabout

how to engage in discussion.2. Ask your children about topics o interest to them, such as school, riends and sport.

3. Getinvolvedinyourchildrensdailyactivitiesandaskthemquestionsabouttheactivity.

4. Use words o encouragement and praise when your child puts strong eort or shows

improvement.

5. Avoidembarrassingyourchildrenoraskingthemdifcultquestionsinfrontofothers.

Using I-messages, not you-messages

I-message: You-message:IamdisappointedwhenyouwatchTV

without doing your homework rst.

You are useless and lazy. You only want to

watchTValldayandnotdoyourhomework.

You need to be aware o this because

you-messages:

cancreatefearsandbeliefsthatyoudonotlove your children

canbehurtfulandprovokearesentfuland

deensive response.

Whereas I-messages can be used:

tomeetyourneedsandshareyourvalues,

eelings and thoughts

toletyourchildrenknowwhereyoustand

and how you eel.

One o the best tips or talking to your children in a way that will help their emotional development

and sel-condence is to use I instead o you messages. This concept might be new to you, but it is

a very eective way o communicating.


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EXERCISE SIX

Using I-messages in your amilyOver the next week, keep a record o the occasions you use I-messages and you-messages

towards your children.

Discuss with your husband or wie past examples that succeeded in getting your children to

behave properly and be happy.

Try to think about how you acted and what you did step by step.


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Session 6 :

Stop the fghts with your children


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S i 6 St th f ht This guide makes no claim or the superiority o


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Session 6: Stop the fghtswith your children

Resolving conficts with children is one o thetoughest challenges any parent can ace. Whats

the best way? The traditional way in many

cultures is to scold or hit.

Today most childhood experts oppose such

methods, seeing them as old ashioned,

unnecessary and damaging to a childs social,

emotional and psychological development.

This issue is widely debated among parents

across all cultures and there may never be one

single correct answer o how to resolve confict

with your children.

This guide makes no claim or the superiority o

one method over another, but simply gives you

some alternative ways o resolving confict with

your children.

Six practical steps or resolvingconict with your children

The ollowing exercise is a model or resolving

confict between you and your children

practised in many contemporary societies and

recommended by international childhood experts.It involves six steps and attempts to make both

parents and children the winners by encouraging

cooperation. We suggest you give it a try and

see i it works or you.

EXERCISE SEVENSolving conict

Step 1: Dene the problem, your needs and your childrens needs

The most important step in solving a problem is usually recognising that a problem exists.

Without your children being present, discuss with your amily and/or other adult members a

discipline problem you have been having with your children. Write the problem down below.

........................................................................................................


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Nowdiscusssomeimportantquestions:

AreyouemphasisingI-messagestoexpressyourneedsandyourexpectationsaboutthemto

your children?

Areyoulisteningtoyourchildrenwhentheytrytoexplaintheirneedsorplans?

Areyouexpressingyournegativefeelings(suchasanger)byyellingorcriticisingthem?

Areyoureassuringyourchildrenthat:

you are looking or a solution to the problem that will try to take account o their needs?

both o you can win i you resolve the issue without anger and by trying to see all sides to the

problem?

you are imposing discipline because as a parent you are responsible or their best interests and

will always love your children and care or them?

Step 2: Brainstorm possible solutions

Nowyouneedtothinkthroughthebestwaystoresolveyourconictswithyourchildren.Takea

couple o days to think about the problem you outlined above and then write down our or ve

dierent ways you think the problem can be solved without creating urther confict. Here are

some useul tips:

Avoidridiculingorharshlycriticisingyourchildsproposedsolutions.

Comeupwithanumberofalternativesolutions.

Rememberthatyouraimisnottowinbuttoworktogetheronthematter.

.


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Step 3: Evaluate possible solutions

You and your children should now work out together what you think are the best solutions o the

oneslistedabove.Bothyouandyourchildneedtotickonesolutioneachfromyouranswersinstep 2, and then discuss your choice with each other. Remember to:

Behonestwhenexaminingeachpossiblesolution.

Analysethoroughlytheargumentsforandagainsteachsolution.

Askpracticalquestionsabouthoweachsolutionwouldbeimplemented.

Testeachpossiblesolutiontoidentifyanydefects.

Considerwhethertheoutcomeofeachsolutionisfairtobothyouandyourchildren.

.

Step 4: Decide on a mutually acceptable solution

Nowthatyouvediscussedthoroughlythebestoptions,decidewhichonetochooseandwriteit

down below. I two solutions are compatible, write down both. Some tips are:

Choosethesolutionyoubothagreeon.

Avoidimposingyoursolutiononyourchildrenwithoutexplainingyourreasons.

Ensurethatyoubothunderstandwhatthechosensolutionentailsandthepossibleconsequences.

.


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Step 5: Implement the solution

Discuss how to implement the solution immediately ater a solution is chosen. Write down some

practical steps below. Here are some suggestions that may help the agreement work:

Discusswhodoeswhat,andbywhen.

Donotdoubtyourchildrensintentionsorrepeatedlyremindthemaboutpossibleconsequences.

ConfrontyourchildrenwithI-messagesiftheyfailtohonourtheagreement.

Offersuggestionstohelpyourchildrenplaytheirpart.

Avoidnagging,tryingtocontrolorraiseyourvoicewithyourchildren;thiswillpotentially

lead to resentment and the reappearance o confict.

...........................................

S l h l i


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Step 6: Evaluate the solution

Ater a suitable period o time (either several days or weeks) discuss with your children whether

the solution has worked. I you need to make amendments to the agreement, write them downbelow. Here are some suggestions to ollow:

Makeitapleasantexperienceperhapsoveramealorfamilytreat.

Ifthesolutionhasworkedwell,acknowledgetheeffortandprogressachieved.

Ifthesolutionhasntworkedfully,ratherthanrejectthesolutionoutofhand,thinkofmodications

that may make it work better. Again,listencarefullytowhatyourchildrenaresaying.

Beopenandhonest.Pretendingtheproblemhasbeensolvedwhenithasntwillonlyleadto

more issues down the track.

............................................................................................

I you ound this exercise too dicult or unsuccessul, remember that you can attend one o our

parenting in a new culture training courses or get expert advice rom one o our parentingconsultantsbycalling(03)94960200.


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Session 7 :

How to discipline your children


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Session 7: Children were sometimes hit, yelled at andd i d d d d th


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How to discipline your children

Like resolving confict, applying discipline toyour children can be an enormous challenge

especially in raising your children in a new

culture. It involves constant judgement.

Dont be surprised i you nd it conusing; most

parents do. Despite this diculty, nding the best

way to discipline your children is something you

will have to address at some stage. It is importantto be aware that while there is no single agreed

best way to discipline your children, applying

discipline is not the same thing as punishment.

Generally speaking, the aim o discipline is

to teach children acceptable behaviours, like

right rom wrong and respect or the rights o

others. It also aims to develop a condent child

who eels secure, loved and able to control

his or her impulses. Punishment on the other

hand, is reactive and ocussed on penalising

unacceptable behaviours.

In Australia, there are laws that make it illegal to

severely hit, abuse or neglect a child, and legalaction can be taken against parents who behave

in this way toward their children. This issue is

discussed in more detail later in this session.

Traditional discipline

In the Chinese culture as in most cultures, scolding

and physical punishment were traditionally used

to impose discipline.

denied ood, money, reedom and other

privileges. Children were regularly reminded o

the shame that their disobedience could bring totheir amily.

Such behaviour may have suited the past times,

but things have changed in China as well as

Australia. In Australia, or instance children are

taught that they have rights and are not expected

to automatically ollow the wishes and demands

o parents. They are also taught that physicalpunishment is unacceptable. Your children will be

exposed to these new attitudes about punishment

at school and with their Australian riends and

you should be aware o them.

Discipline in contemporaryAustralian culture

In contemporary societies discipline is generally

understood to be about creating understanding

and mutual respect between parents and children,

not about the threat o punishment. This is oten

reerred to as positive parenting. Children are

expected to understand the dierence between

right and wrong behaviour, to respect theirparents wishes and to develop the right values

and attitudes. Childhood experts suggest that the

most eective ways to discipline your children

include:

makingchildrenawareoftheconsequences

o their bad behaviour

asking children to take some level of

ownership in dealing with the problem

discussingwithyourchildrenyourrulesabout

discipline and what will be the consequencesUnderstanding Australias child

i l


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discipline, and what will be the consequences

when they misbehave

allowingchildrentokeeptheirdignityintact

when they disagree.

Smacking children

Many parents in many cultures think smacking is

acceptable and that the occasional light smack

can sometimes benet the child. Professionals,

however, warn us that i smacking is the onlyorm o discipline used, it can escalate into more

serious orms o violence and children may copy

this behaviour. Children who are smacked at

home may act out by hitting other children as a

means to solve ghts or confict. It is up to you to

discuss the issue o smacking within your amily

and agree on whether or not you will use it aorm o discipline with your children.

Avoiding child abuse

In Australia parental abuse and maltreatment o

children is a serious oence that is monitored by

government agencies in every state and territory.

Remember, child abuse can be interpreted inmany ways. I a child is seriously harmed by

parents whether physically, psychologically

or sexually, this may trigger intervention by

government authorities and the police. In

extreme cases, state government social workers

and police can remove children rom the parents

home and take the parents to court.

protection laws

You need to understand Australias childprotection laws. Remember, Australia has

dierent rules and standards o child protection

than many other countries including China.

What is child abuse?

Child abuse or maltreatment is the causing o

physical, sexual or emotional harm to a child by

parents, or any other adult that cares or your

children.

Abuse can be a single incident that causes

serious harm needing medical attention, such as

physically belting, punching, shaking or burning

the child. Alternatively the abuse may be repeated

on a regular basis causing long term physical,mental and psychological harm to the child.

Maltreatment o a child can include not eeding

a child properly, telling a child to leave home,

or neglecting the childs need or warmth and

clothing. Children should also not be exposed to

violence between adults in the amily home, which

may in the long term harm them psychologically.

What are Australias child protection

laws?

In Australia, child protection laws are the

responsibility o the state and territory

governments and laws vary slightly depending

on which state or territory you live in. The lawsdene the meaning o child abuse and neglect,

outline how and when child protection services

can come to your home, and the legal processes

or prosecuting parents who neglect or abuseThe impact o severe physical

i h t ili


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or prosecuting parents who neglect or abuse

their children.

Who is responsible or child protection

in Australia?

Child protection matters are usually dealt with

by proessional workers in state and territory

government departments, who have the legal

right to take the child away rom the amily i

the abuse is serious. The police and government

social workers are responsible or visiting the

amily home to investigate each case and report

to the relevant Minister. A decision will be made

on whether the government will bring legal

charges against the parents, and the parents may

be required to deend their case in the courts.

What are the legal consequences o childabuse?

Child abuse can have serious legal consequences.

Courts can order that a child be removed rom

a parents care and placed into the care o the

government. This may mean the child (or children)

will be asked to live with another amily relative

or a oster amily approved by the government.In circumstances o extreme child abuse, child

protection workers may take a child in need o

protection into sae custody without waiting or

a court order. In the most severe cases, parents

can be convicted and imprisoned.

punishment on amilies

Acts o child abuse can have serious and lastingphysical and psychological eects on children.

Researchers tell us that repeated physical

punishment can lead to:

children running away, family disruption

through couple separation, or divorce

reportsbyneighbourstothepolice,whomay

then visit the home to investigate

mentalandemotionalproblems inlaterlife,

including lack o sel-condence, low academic

achievement and aggressive behaviour, and

diculties in orming relationships with

others

children suffering from physical disabilities

and chronic health problems

socialisolationforthefamily.

For more inormation on acts about child abuse,

go to the Australian Childhood Foundations

website www.stopchildabuse.com.au.

What is the best way todiscipline children?

Generally speaking, there is no one right way

todisciplineandraisechildren.Butthereare

a number o eective parenting styles that

incorporate dierent discipline techniques.

Parents mayprefera style that suits theirown

cultural values. Regardless o which methods you

choose, it is important that you are consistent.

EXERCISE EIGHT


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C S G

What method o discipline do you choose?

Studies into parenting and child psychology list three broad approaches to discipline. These are

summarised below. Read the summaries and discuss with your wie or husband which method or

combination o methods you are using.

Theauthoritarianstyle

Authoritarian parents believe in absolute obedience to authority. They command what their

children can and cant do, leaving little room or creativity and thinking. Any misbehaviour isstrictly punished with little discussion with the child.

Although still practiced by some parents within the Chinese community, this style is no longer

accepted or tolerated by the Australian community or in the majority o migrant amilies.

Children raised in this way may become vulnerable to the infuence o undesirable riends,

or become depressed and may need psychological therapy. The end result o extremely strict

punishment may be your children rebelling or even running away rom home.

Thepermissivestyle

In this style parents are lenient, take a hands o approach, do not set limits or their childrens

behaviours and allow them to learn rom the consequences o their actions. Misbehaviour may

be ignored or treated as a joke. Some parents in these situations treat their children as their

riends and reuse to take responsibility when their children have caused harm to themselves or

others. Children raised in this way are generally creative and original, but may eel insecure

and can sometimes make poor decisions as they miss out rom direction and advice rom

parents. They oten have diculty in dealing with authorities, and with tasks or responsibilities

that demand sel-discipline such as studying or exams or maintaining long term

employment.

Theassertivedemocraticstyle


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Parentswhousethisstyleasktheirchildrentotakeresponsibilityfortheirbadbehaviourand

openly clariy the issues and give reasons or limits. Children are guided and given lotso practice in making choices and the sort o consequence that should occur i they behave

badly. Misbehaviour is met with appropriate consequences or by problem solving, taking into

consideration the childs needs.

The democratic discipline style is widely practiced in contemporary societies and is regarded

as ideal by many Australian teachers, child psychologists and paediatricians.

The deant behaviour o out-o-control children is not tolerated at any time. At all times theparents act in a calm but rm manner through a well established discipline method. Some

methods used include removing the child rom the situation or taking them home, light spanking,

calling the ather at work and asking the child to explain to the ather what they have done,

withdrawingthechildsaccesstotoys,TVorgamesforalongperiod.

Children raised in this way learn to accept responsibility or their poor behaviour, learn to t

in with others at school and eventually at work, succeed in their marriages and learn not to act

impulsively when making important decisions.

Tips or eectively disciplining your child

The ollowing is a list o techniques that have been ound to be eective in disciplining children.

I you havent heard o these already, try them and see which works or you.

Childrenshouldlearntounderstandthattheiractionshaveconsequences,includingpunishmentif

they misbehave. It is your responsibility as a parent to help your children understand the

consequences o their actions and decisions.

Whenyourchildisbeginningtomisbehaveremindthemoftherulesandtheconsequences.For

example, you might say I you leave pen marks on the wall, you know the rule is that you will

have to stopplaying with your favourite toys. Punish or reward your children immediately

according to their actions and behaviours. Act quickly to connect the action with the outcome and

applytheappropriatediscipline.Beconsistentatalltimes,andthatmeansbothparentsagreewith imposing the agreed discipline rules every time without ail. Do not laugh or smile at your

child i they are misbehaving or else they will become conused about whether they are

misbehaving at all.

Encourage initiatives and reward positive

behaviours by praising your child soon ater

Setupadailyroutineandmakeeveryeffort

to stick to it.


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y p g y

a positive action.

Be rmwhen punishingor rewarding yourchildren. Do not argue with them about the

punishment they are being given.

Setlimitsforyourchildrenthatareappropriate

fortheirage.Beforetheageof2yearsthey

have little or no understanding about the

effectsoftheirbehaviour.Between2-4years

they can be given very simple discipline rules

which are repeated consistently. From the age

of5yearsandonwardstheyaremorelikely

to understand the reasons or their discipline

which you need to impose consistently, and

with the consequences o their behaviour

being clearly explained.

Stop inappropriate behaviours with a rm

no, said in a calm voice and with a simple

and clear explanation.

Donotofferchoicesincircumstanceswhere

the child has to comply with your rules. Forexample, say It is time to go to bed but

dont ask Would you like to go to bed?

For younger children (under 2 years), use

distractions to get the childs attention away

rom unacceptable behaviours.

Use time out as an alternative effectivepunishment technique; do this by setting aside

a place or the child to go to refect on their

bad behaviour or a specic period o time.

Role model the behaviour you want your

children to copy in all situations.


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Session 8 :

Managing family stress


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Session 8: Managing amily stress

R i i hild ti b t l

Youmaynothaveanextendedfamilytohelp

take pressure o you in times o high stress.


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Raising children can sometimes be a very stressul

experience. Although it brings happiness and

excitement, it is oten accompanied by stress

regardless o the age o the children concerned.

While stress can have positive eects, too much o

it can make amily lie dicult and even make

amily members ill. Learning how to cope with stress

is thereore an important skill or you to acquire.

Stress and migrant amiliesFamily lie can sometimes be even more stressul

or migrant amilies. There are a number o

reasons or this:

Your parents may have brought you up

dierently, using dierent ways o expressing

emotions and enorcing discipline. Your own

children may not ully accept their

grandparents ways. They may want to

ollow contemporary culture, which

emphasises independence, rewards sel

condence and holds the pursuit o individual

happiness as the highest goal.

ManyChineseparentsfallbackontraditionalparenting ways that may in act be out o

date in contemporary society. This can make

the problem outlined above even worse.

Without Chinese relatives and friends in

Australia, your children may lack role models

to act as a guide or them about how to

behave in a Chinese amily.

Traditionally, Chinese parents regard their

childrens misbehaviour as a source o guiltand shame.

Theenormouspersonal sacricesyoumake

or your children, working long hours to give

them a high material standard o living or pay

school ees, can sometimes mean you have

little time to spend with them. This can lead

children to eel resentment and parents to eel

ingratitude.

But dontdespair. Chinese familieshave been

very successul in adapting to Australian society.

The traditional and contemporary Chinese

emphases on discipline and education have

helped Australian-Chinese young people t inwell and achieve considerable success.

Understanding your children

Understanding how your children develop can

help you cope better with amily stress. You need

to recognise that:

Your children are unique individuals withdierent personalities, needs, talents,

strengths and weaknesses.

Childrengrowatdifferentpacesphysically,

emotionally, and intellectually.

It is unfair and unrealistic to continually

compare your children with other children,even within your amily.

Youare not responsible for your childrens

behaviour, you are responsible or teaching

hild t b ibl th i

Reducing stress and managing anger

Try to develop your own methods or managing


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your children to be responsible or their own

behaviour.

Reect on your own needs

You may also need to reconsider your own

outlook on amily lie. There are changes you can

make that will help reduce stress. For instance:

Acknowledgeyourownparentingskillsand

strengths.

Dont take your childrens misbehaviour

personally.

Youshouldnotfeelguiltyaboutoccasionally

taking time o or yoursel.

Your uncontrolled anger can make family

stress worse and lead your children to copy

your angry behaviour and become even more

disrespectul or rebellious.

You should try to resolve stressful situations

beore they get out o hand.

Try to develop your own methods or managing

stress. Your way o handling stress will have an

impact on your children, your marriage and,

potentially, your health.

As stress is a natural human reaction to daily lie,

the goal should not be eliminating it completely

but learning how to manage stress eectively.

EXERCISE NINE


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Discussing ways to manage stress

The ollowing are some suggestions or managing stress better. Discuss with your amily how you

can use these techniques.

1. Dosomeexerciseswhenyoufeelstressed,suchaswalkingorotherphysicalactivitythatcan

help you relax.

2. Remember that you are not alone. Try to expand your social network. Discuss your concerns

with other Chinese parents experiencing similar amily stress.3. Makeyourextendedfamilymembersyourbestfriends.Discussissueswiththem.Donottryand

deal with amily problems and stress all by yoursel.

4. Seek practical solutions. Identiy what you can change as a parent. Identiy what you can do

toavoidorreducethecausesofstressinyourfamily.Betolerantandaccepting.

5. Dontover-reactto stress.Dontexaggeratethe issues causingyourstress.Regard itasa

normal part o amily lie.

6. Ifyouarestillnding itdifculttocope,seekprofessionalhelp,supportandadvicefrom

parenting experts.


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Session 9 :Dealing with teenagers


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Session 9:Dealing with teenagers

The special needs o migrant amilies

Before we look at how best to cope with

f


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What is intergenerational conict?

Bringingupteenagersisoneofthemostdifcult

tasks any parent can ace. Confict oten results,

which can disrupt even the happiest amilies.

This confict between teenagers and their

parents, and sometimes between teenagers

and grandparents, is oten reerred to as

intergenerational confict. It happens within every

amily rom every culture and in every country,

but migrant amilies ace extra pressures. As well

as the dierences between generations, migrant

amilies have to cope with dierent cultural

attitudes about how to bring up teenagers.

While coping can be dicult, it is not impossible.This chapter will help you understand the problem

better. It nishes with some ideas about how to

improve communications with your teenagers and

get better cooperation or a better relationship

and positive outcomes.

intergenerational confict, it is helpul to

understand the many pressures acing youramily.

You might be part of an extended family

that gives grandparents, uncles, aunts,

brothers and sisters joint responsibility or

looking ater children.

Alternatively, you may have no extendedamily or riends to rely on at all and may be

unable to get advice rom experienced

parents on how to cope with your childrens

dicult years.

You might have a large family and nd

Documents

Chinese Parenting Guide - English