CHILDREN EXPOSED CHILDREN EXPOSED TOTO

DOMESTIC VIOLENCEDOMESTIC VIOLENCE

11

22

Dear Dad, It makes me sad and angry when you make mom cry.  You should learn not to hurt others.  I am angry that you are fighting.  You and mom both want me on your side and that is hard.  Dad, please don’t try and make mom nervous.  She looks scared when you fight. 

I miss you.  I miss doing fun things with you.  Sometimes I don’t know how I feel.  Sometimes I am really mad and I want to hurt someone.  A lot of times my feelings are hurt.

I think I am not lucky at all.  I was lucky when I had a house with you and mom.  It is not lucky to have to move away from your house and keep moving from place to place and to have to move your stuff all the time.  Lucky is when you have your own house with your mom and dad there.

Love, Your Kid

Written in 2007 by participants in the Children’s Support Group of the CAP Services Family Crisis Center Waupaca County Outreach Office , Waupaca, Wisconsin 33

Characteristics of Batterers as Characteristics of Batterers as ParentsParents

AuthoritarianAuthoritarian

Irresponsible, neglectful and/or Irresponsible, neglectful and/or

underinvolvedunderinvolved

Self centeredSelf centered

The Batterer as ParentThe Batterer as Parent, Lundy Bancroft, Chapter 2 , Lundy Bancroft, Chapter 2

44

Characteristics of Batterers as Characteristics of Batterers as ParentsParents

ManipulativeManipulative

Undermining of the motherUndermining of the mother

Ability to perform well under Ability to perform well under

observationobservation

55

5 Ways an Abuser’s Behavior Affects 5 Ways an Abuser’s Behavior Affects Family RelationshipsFamily Relationships

1.1. Exposes children to abuse.Exposes children to abuse.

2.2. Undermines and interferes with his partner’s Undermines and interferes with his partner’s parenting.parenting.

3.3. Damages his partner’s relationship with her Damages his partner’s relationship with her children.children.

4.4. Uses children to perpetuate abuse.Uses children to perpetuate abuse.

5.5. Creates a household climate dominated by Creates a household climate dominated by domestic violence.domestic violence.

Based on Based on The Batterer as ParentThe Batterer as Parent, Lundy Bancroft, Chapter 3, Lundy Bancroft, Chapter 3

66

Some Ways Domestic Violence Some Ways Domestic Violence Can Harm Can Harm

Mother - Child RelationshipsMother - Child Relationships

Abuse diminishes a mother’s ability to parent Abuse diminishes a mother’s ability to parent well.well.

Mothers may demand that children alter their Mothers may demand that children alter their behavior in order to avoid antagonizing the behavior in order to avoid antagonizing the abuser.abuser.

Mothers may use safety and protection Mothers may use safety and protection strategies that are no fun for their children or strategies that are no fun for their children or that look like poor parenting to the outside that look like poor parenting to the outside world.world.

77

Some Ways Domestic Violence Some Ways Domestic Violence Can Harm Can Harm

Mother - Child RelationshipsMother - Child Relationships

Children can become parentified, taking Children can become parentified, taking care of the mother and other children.care of the mother and other children.

The abuser’s dominance prevents a The abuser’s dominance prevents a mother from parenting as she chooses mother from parenting as she chooses or negotiating parenting with him.or negotiating parenting with him.

88

Risks to Children Risks to Children When Mothers Leave AbusersWhen Mothers Leave Abusers

The risk of assault to mothers and children, The risk of assault to mothers and children, including homicide, increases when victims including homicide, increases when victims leave partners and remains elevated for two leave partners and remains elevated for two years. years.

Relationships with a family’s support network Relationships with a family’s support network are strained or severed.are strained or severed.

Children suffer from the economic impact of Children suffer from the economic impact of separation.separation.

The majority of separated abusers are granted The majority of separated abusers are granted unsupervised visitationunsupervised visitation

99

POWER AND CONTROL WHEELPOWER AND CONTROL WHEEL

1010

OVERLAP OF DOMESTIC OVERLAP OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND CHILD ABUSEVIOLENCE AND CHILD ABUSE

Studies have found the rate of physical Studies have found the rate of physical child abuse in families experiencing child abuse in families experiencing domestic abuse to be anywhere from domestic abuse to be anywhere from 25-70%. 25-70%.

40-60% of men who abuse women also 40-60% of men who abuse women also abuse children. abuse children.

1111

HOW CHILDREN ARE EXPOSED:HOW CHILDREN ARE EXPOSED:

Witnessing, overhearing, caught in Witnessing, overhearing, caught in the middlethe middle

Seeing mother degraded and Seeing mother degraded and demeaned demeaned

Living in a household dominated by Living in a household dominated by tension and feartension and fear

1212

HOW CHILDREN ARE EXPOSEDHOW CHILDREN ARE EXPOSED

Being raised by parents whose ability to Being raised by parents whose ability to nurture is compromised by domestic nurture is compromised by domestic violence violence

Being used and manipulated by the Being used and manipulated by the abuser to hurt the battered parentabuser to hurt the battered parent

Suffering the consequences of economic Suffering the consequences of economic abuseabuse

1313

EFFECTS CAN INCLUDEEFFECTS CAN INCLUDE::

Believing the abuse is their faultBelieving the abuse is their fault

Turning against one or both Turning against one or both parentsparents

Being afraid to talk about the Being afraid to talk about the abuse or express their feelingsabuse or express their feelings

1414

EFFECTS CAN INCLUDE:EFFECTS CAN INCLUDE:

Negative core beliefs about themselves Negative core beliefs about themselves and othersand others

Unhealthy coping and survival Unhealthy coping and survival reactions, such as mental health or reactions, such as mental health or behavior problemsbehavior problems

Isolation from people who might offer Isolation from people who might offer helphelp

1515

CHILDREN LEARN:CHILDREN LEARN:

Violence and coercion are normal, Violence and coercion are normal, justifiable and effective.justifiable and effective.

There are two ways to solve There are two ways to solve problems: aggression and passivity.problems: aggression and passivity.

Victims are responsible for what Victims are responsible for what happens to them.happens to them.

1616

CHILDREN LEARN:CHILDREN LEARN:

It’s OK to blame problems on It’s OK to blame problems on someone else. someone else.

People who hurt others don’t face People who hurt others don’t face consequences for their actions.consequences for their actions.

Women are not worthy of respect.Women are not worthy of respect.

1717

SOME EXTERNALIZED SYMPTOMSSOME EXTERNALIZED SYMPTOMS

AggressionAggression Lower social competence, including less Lower social competence, including less

empathy with others empathy with others Lower verbal, cognitive and motor abilitiesLower verbal, cognitive and motor abilities Restlessness, impulsivity and difficulty Restlessness, impulsivity and difficulty

concentrating concentrating Behavioral and academic difficulties in schoolBehavioral and academic difficulties in school Immaturity, delays in development and Immaturity, delays in development and

regression to earlier developmental stagesregression to earlier developmental stages

1818

SOME INTERNALIZED SYMPTOMSSOME INTERNALIZED SYMPTOMS

Depression, anxiety and hyper-vigilanceDepression, anxiety and hyper-vigilance

Fearful, withdrawn and inhibited behaviorFearful, withdrawn and inhibited behavior

Lower self esteemLower self esteem

Shame and feeling responsible for the Shame and feeling responsible for the abuseabuse

Post Traumatic Stress DisorderPost Traumatic Stress Disorder

1919

Infants and ToddlersInfants and Toddlers

Attachment formation: Need consistent, Attachment formation: Need consistent, attentive parenting to bond.attentive parenting to bond.

Trauma exposure interferes with critical Trauma exposure interferes with critical brain development.brain development.

Vulnerable to injury: Vulnerable to injury: while being heldwhile being heldfrom ill informed or indifferent caretakerfrom ill informed or indifferent caretaker

Care requirements may anger abuser or Care requirements may anger abuser or overwhelm victim.overwhelm victim.

2020

PreschoolersPreschoolers Egocentric: Blame themselves for abuse.Egocentric: Blame themselves for abuse. Immature cognitive abilities: Immature cognitive abilities:

Easily distressedEasily distressedFearfulFearfulVulnerable to unpredictability in their Vulnerable to unpredictability in their

environmentenvironment Beginning to learn and imitate adult behavior.Beginning to learn and imitate adult behavior. Exposure to trauma may inhibit building skills Exposure to trauma may inhibit building skills

for independence.for independence.

2121

School Age ChildrenSchool Age Children As their thinking becomes increasingly As their thinking becomes increasingly

complex, DV distorts their world view.complex, DV distorts their world view. Increasing anger or ambivalence towards Increasing anger or ambivalence towards

parentsparents Identification with same sex parentIdentification with same sex parent Learn gender roles influenced by DVLearn gender roles influenced by DV

DV compromises school performance and DV compromises school performance and behavior.behavior.

DV affects social behavior and self concept.DV affects social behavior and self concept.

2222

AdolescentsAdolescents DV-influences developing skills for DV-influences developing skills for

autonomy and critical thinking.autonomy and critical thinking. May use high risk behaviors to avoid home May use high risk behaviors to avoid home

life.life. DV further stresses parent-teen DV further stresses parent-teen

relationships. relationships. Dating behavior negatively influenced by Dating behavior negatively influenced by

DV.DV. Need for peer acceptance increases Need for peer acceptance increases

shame, secrecy and insecurity. shame, secrecy and insecurity. 2323

FACTORS AFFECTING RESILIENCYFACTORS AFFECTING RESILIENCY

Risk factors:Risk factors: Abuse that is recent, severe or prolongedAbuse that is recent, severe or prolonged

Exposure to domestic violence combined Exposure to domestic violence combined with child abusewith child abuse

Poor parentingPoor parenting

Additional stressors such as poverty, Additional stressors such as poverty, community violence, parental substance community violence, parental substance abuse or mental illness and disruptions in abuse or mental illness and disruptions in family life.family life.

2424

FACTORS AFFECTING RESILIENCYFACTORS AFFECTING RESILIENCY

Protective Factors:Protective Factors: Secure attachment to nonabusing parent Secure attachment to nonabusing parent

or other significant adultor other significant adult Supportive social networkSupportive social network Chance to develop critical thinking skills Chance to develop critical thinking skills

and challenge values of the abuserand challenge values of the abuser Opportunities to experience success and Opportunities to experience success and

to have their achievements recognizedto have their achievements recognized Family access to health care, education, Family access to health care, education,

housing, social services and employment housing, social services and employment

2525

WHAT CHILDREN AND YOUTH WHAT CHILDREN AND YOUTH AFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE NEEDAFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE NEED

Safety, stability and predictabilitySafety, stability and predictability

To maintain or rebuild a strong bond To maintain or rebuild a strong bond with their motherwith their mother

Contact with the abuser that is safe Contact with the abuser that is safe and not re-traumatizing and not re-traumatizing

2626

WHAT CHILDREN AND YOUTH WHAT CHILDREN AND YOUTH AFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE NEEDAFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE NEED

Opportunities to process their Opportunities to process their experiences and release feelings experiences and release feelings

Opportunities to experience success and Opportunities to experience success and have their achievements recognized have their achievements recognized

Opportunities to learn that violence is Opportunities to learn that violence is wrong, to develop critical thinking skills, wrong, to develop critical thinking skills, and to learn equitable, nonviolent ways and to learn equitable, nonviolent ways to solve problems to solve problems

2727

WHAT CHILDREN AND YOUTH WHAT CHILDREN AND YOUTH AFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE NEEDAFFECTED BY DOMESTIC ABUSE NEED

Support for their ambivalent feelings Support for their ambivalent feelings about both parentsabout both parents

To know that they are not alone, the To know that they are not alone, the abuse is not their fault, and they are not abuse is not their fault, and they are not responsible for protecting othersresponsible for protecting others

Help developing a plan for their own Help developing a plan for their own safety and coordinating their plan with safety and coordinating their plan with their mothertheir mother

2828