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Check Please (3rd ed. - 07.21.10) - checkplease9jpCopyright © 2003 Jonathan Rand

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5

Dedicated to Christy

For your free consulting services,Breathtaking vocal stylings,

And your friendship

6

Cast of Characters

GIRlGUy

lOUISMelaNIeKeNMaRyMaRKPeaRlTODSOPHIeBRaNDONlINDaMaNNyMIMI

Setting

arestaurant.Twodinnertables.

Time

Now.

7

Production Note

This playwas originallywrittenwith the intention of having thesametwoactorsplaytherolesofGirlandGuy,andhaving12differ-entactorsplaytherestoftheroles.anotherfunoptionwouldbetocasttheplayusingfourtotalactors,withall12datessplitbetweentwo quick-change artists. The other option (which I least prefer)wouldbetocasteveryscenewithadifferentpairofactors.whilethiswouldbeagreatopportunitytogetmorepeopleinvolvedintheproduction,itendsupweakeningthecharacterdevelopmentofGirlandGuy,aswellastheplay’sconclusion.

9

CheCk Pleaseby Jonathan Rand

Scene 1

LOUIS. Hi.

GIRL. Hithere.

LOUIS. It’sgreattomeetyou.

GIRL. you,too.

LOUIS. Sohowlonghaveyoulivedinthecity?

GIRL. almostayear.Feelslonger,though.

LOUIS. Threeyearsforme.It’sagreatcity.

GIRL. Definitely.whatdoyoulikemostaboutit?

LOUIS. whatdoyoulikemostaboutlivinghere?

(Pause, as GIRl is only slightly noticeably confused.)

GIRL. well…I lovewalkingmy dog in the park. especially on aprettyday.

LOUIS. Ohyeah?I’malittledifferent,Iguess.I’mmorethekindaguywholikeswalkingmydogintheparkonaprettyday.

(He chuckles.)

GIRL. Samehere.

LOUIS. Ohandalso—andthismayjustbeme—butIhavethisthingforwalkingmydogintheparkonaprettyday.

GIRL. No,Ilikethat,too.Ijustsaidso.

LOUIS. SodoyoulikewatchingTV?

GIRL. No.

LOUIS. Me,too!Iloveit!

(Pause.)

GIRL. areyoulisteningtomeatall?

LOUIS. SometimesIliketocurlupwithabagofpopcornandgetmylenoon.youlikeleno?

GIRL. youreallyaren’tlistening.

LOUIS. Me,too!Jaylenojustcracks—me—up.

10 JonathanRand

GIRL. Thisisridiculous…

(Throughout the monologue below, GIRl gradually tries out dif-ferent tactics to see how self-centered and non-reactive lOUIS tru-ly is. She tries saying things to him like “excuse me” and “hello”; she tries whistling at him; she might try touching his nose with her index finger or a spoon for a few seconds; she could try walking over to him and temporarily turning his chair in the opposite direction. No matter what she does, lOUIS just keeps on trucking, as if she wasn’t there.)

LOUIS.Imean,hiscomedyisagiftfromthegods.youknowwhatI’mtalkingabout?IjustgetblownawayeverytimeIseehisshow,oroneofhismovies.Didyousee Ice Age 2?youhaven’t?Stopwhatyou’redoingandrent itnow. I’mtellingyou,leno is the funniestguyon television,nodoubtabout it.He remindsmeofme,actu-ally.wehavethesamesenseofhumor.Myroommate,Bill?HesaysI’m the funniestpersonhe’s evermet. Imean,he’s entitled tohisopinion,right?anyway,sureI’mfunny,butI’vegotmypersonalityflaws.Forexample, sometimes I’m too funny.Peopledon’t realizeitwhenI’mbeingserious!!Doyoubelievethat?!Buthey,enoughaboutme.I’mtalkingupastormhere!Tellmeaboutyou.

GIRL. OrIcouldjustleavenow,sinceyou’reaself-centeredtool.

(A pause; we assume he is going to break.)

LOUIS. I’maCapricornmyself.

(Blackout.)

Scene 2

GUY. Hi.

MELANIE. Hi.

GUY. It’ssogreattofinallymeetyou.

MELANIE. Samehere!

GUY. Sowhereareyoufr—

MELANIE. wait,beforeyou—Sorry.(Meekly:)Thisissorude,buttheBearsgameisonrightnow?youdon’tmindifIcheckthescore…

GUY. Oh,notatall.Totally.

Check Please 11

MELANIE. (As she pulls out her cell phone to check her web-browser:)Thanks.Iknowthisissuchanawfulthingtodoonafirstdate,butit’slateinthefourthquarterinaplayoffgame.

GUY. Noworries.

MELANIE. IsitallrightwithyouifIwearthisearpiece?Ipromiseitwon’tbedistracting.

GUY. what’sthescore?

MELANIE. Packersbyseven.

GUY. Uh-oh.

MELANIE. Nah,it’snobigdeal.It’sjustagame,right?Soc’mon—enoughaboutfootball.let’shearabout“MisterMystery.”Harriet’stoldmetonsaboutyou.

GUY. Man…Thepressure’sonnow.

(They laugh together, genuinely. MelaNIe’s laugh then fades di rectly into her next line, which is suddenly serious.)

MELANIE. I’mjustgonnacheckonemoretime.

(She digs into her purse.)

GUY. (Smiling:)Noworries.

MELANIE. Is it all right with you if I put on this little earpiecethingy?Itwon’tbedistracting,Ipromise.

GUY. Sure.

MELANIE. (As she puts the earpiece in her ear:)I’mmakingtheworstfirstimpression,aren’tI…

GUY. Notatall.

MELANIE. It’sjustbecauseit’stheplayoffs.I’musuallynormal.

GUY. It’sreallyno—

MELANIE. Comeon!!

GUY. what?

MELANIE. Oh,nothing—the lineonlygivesForte thishuge run-ning lane, but he fumbles the handoff. Sure, Pace recovered, butcomeon—thisistheplayoffs.youdon’tjustcoughuptheballlikethat.Nowyou’restaringatthirdandlong,andthewholeseasonisridingononeplay.

GUY. Ihopeev—

12 JonathanRand

MELANIE. wHaT?!

GUY. what?

MELANIE. PaSSTHeBall!!

GUY. what’swrong?

MELANIE. It’sthirdandlong—whorunsitonthirdandlong?DidCutlersuddenlyFORGeTthathehasanaRM?!

(GUy looks around subtly at the other patrons.)

OhmyGod.I’mbeingloud,aren’tI.

GUY. (Trying hard to be convincing:)No…

MELANIE. Oh,Iam.I’msosorry.look,howaboutthis:I’llmakeituptoyou.afterdinnerI’llbuyyoudessertatthistinylittlebistroon11th thatnobodyknowsabout. I thinkyou’ll just—PaSSTHeBall!! Jesus, people! It’s FOURTHDOwN! Pass the FRIGGINGBall!

GUY. listen—wecouldgotoabarwithaTVorsomething.

MELANIE.Ohplease,no.Iwouldn’tdoyouthattoyou.Thegame’sprettymuchover anyway. (She takes a deep breath, and is now very calm.) Okay.I’mdone.Igotalittlecarriedawaythere,didn’tI?let’sorder.

(They peruse for a moment, as if nothing has happened.)

GUY. (Indicating the menu:)Oh.Harrietsaidweshoulddefinitelytrythe—

(MelaNIesuddenly lets out a bloodcurdling shriek and rips the menu in half.)

GUY. Orwecouldordersomethingelse.

MELANIE. (Downtrodden:)Theylost…

GUY. Oh.I’msorry.

MELANIE. (Starting to tear up:)Theylost.Theseason’sover..

GUY. well—

(MelaNIebreaks down, bawling. GUy thinks for a moment, then takes out a handkerchief and offers it toMelaNIe. She uses it to blow her nose.)

GUY. I’msosorry.IsthereanythingIcando?

MELANIE. (Still weepy:)TheBearssuck…

Check Please 13

GUY. aww,no.Theydon’tsuck.

MELANIE. Theydo…Theysuck.

GUY. They’reprobablyjusthavingabadseason—

(MelaNIegrabs his collar, pulls him extremely close, and speaks in a horrifying, monstrous, deep voice.)

MELANIE. THeBeaRSSUCK.

GUY. (Weakly:)TheBearssuck.

(Blackout.)

Scene 3

GIRL. Hi.

KEN. Hello.

(He kisses her hand, lingering there a second too long.)

GIRL. It’sgreattomeetyou.

KEN. Thepleasure…isallmine.

GIRL. So…whereareyoufrom?Ican’tplacetheaccent.

KEN. IwasraisedinthemountainsofGuam…andwasborn…ontheshoreofNewJersey.

(Beat.)

GIRL. Doyouwanttoordersomeappetizers?

KEN. anything…whichwillensurehappinessforyourbeautifullips.

(He looks at menu, unaware of her subtle look of disbelief. She fi-nally looks down at her menu.)

GIRL. Ooh!Theshrimpcocktaillooksgood.

KEN. Shrimp…acreatureof theocean.Theocean…which isnotnearlyaslovelyastheoceanofyoureyes.

GIRL. listen,canIaskyousortofa…bluntquestion?

KEN. anythingwhichyourheartdesireswillbe—

GIRL. yeahyeah.areyougoingtobelikethisfortherestofdinner?

KEN. whateverdoyoumean?

GIRL. youknow,allcreepyandnauseating?

14 JonathanRand

(Pause.)

KEN.yes.

(Blackout.)

Scene 4

GUY. Hi.

MARY. Hi.

GUY. It’ssogreattofinallymeetyou.

MARY. Samehere!listen: Iwaswondering ifyouwere freenextFriday.

GUY.Uh,Ithinkso.why?

MARY. well,ifdinnergoeswelltonight,Iwantedtogoaheadandscheduleaseconddate.

GUY. Oh.Okay,sure.

MARY. See,’causehere’sthething:Myparentsarehavingahouse-warmingpartyattheirnewplaceonaugust2nd,andifyouandIhititofftonightandendupgettingserious,thatpartywouldbetheperfectopportunityforyoutomeetthem,soI’dliketosqueezeinsixdatesbeforehand,becauseifwedon’t,myparentsmightbeskep-ticalofour relationship,which, afteryoupop thequestion, couldmake everyoneuncomfortableduring the ceremony,which couldthen carry over during our three-week honey¬moon inCozumel,andmostimportantthananythingelse,itcouldreallytakeatollonlittleMadison.

(Pause.)

GUY. wow…

MARY. what?what is it?youdon’t like thenameMadison?wecouldchangeit.Mysecond,third,andfourthchoicesareFiona,Ri-ley,andapple.

GUY. No,allofthoseare…greatnames…

MARY. Something’sonyourmind.youknowcanalwaystellyourlittlebunnyrabbit anything.

GUY. Theproblemis:youseemtohaveourwholerelationshipfig-uredout—andwe justmetthirtysecondsago.Imean,you’vegoteverythingpinneddownbuttheweddingdress.

Check Please 15

MARY. Doesthatmakeyouuncomfortable?

(Beat.)

(As she withdraws several boxes:)Becauseifitdoes,wecanpickitoutnow.

(Blackout.)

Scene 5

(Lights up to MaRK dressed in nothing but a burlap sack. He’s looking at the menu, as if nothing is out of the ordinary. GIRl is looking at him, expressionless. After several moments, he folds the menu, his dinner decision made. He looks up. Pause.)

MARK. (Innocent:)what?

(Blackout.)

Scene 6

GUY. Hi.

PEARL. Hi.

GUY. It’ssonicetomeetyou.

PEARL. Samehere.Julia’stoldmealotaboutyou.

GUY. She’sagreatgirl.

(The moment GUy begins speaking the above line, PeaRl quick-ly and slickly steals a fork. GUy thinks he saw wrong. PeaRl contin ues on as if nothing has happened.)

PEARL. yeah. Somuch fun tobe around.we’vebeen friends forsomethinglike…sixyears,Ithink?

GUY. (As PeaRl quickly steals the rest of the utensils:)where’dyoumeet?Inschool?

PEARL. yeah.weplayedsoccer.Bothsecond-stringers,keepingthebenchniceandwarmforeveryoneelse.

(They laugh together. During their laugh, PeaRl swipes her nap kin.)

Seriously,Juliaisoneofmyfavorites.andshe’sgotgreattaste,sowhenshetoldmeaboutyou,Iwasdefinitelyonboard.

16 JonathanRand

(The moment GUy begins speaking the next line, PeaRl swiftly and deftly removes the flower from the vase, pours the contents of her glass into the vase, pockets the glass, and replaces the flower in the vase.)

GUY. That’svery—sweet…

PEARL. No,really—I’vebeenlookingforwardtothisforawhile.

GUY. (As PeaRl takes the flower:)I’mflattered.

PEARL. So…youhungry?I’maboutready.

(PeaRl picks up her menu; GUy does likewise. The moment GUybegins speaking, PeaRlslides the menu into her jacket.)

GUY. I’mprettyhungry,too—youknow,Icanseethatyou’resteal-ing.youdon’thavetoplayitofflikeyou’renot.

PEARL. what?whatareyoutalkingabout?

GUY. (As PeaRl steals a plate:)I’msittingrighthere—See?There.youjuststoleaplate.

PEARL. wow…that’sacruelaccusation…

GUY. (As PeaRl steals sugar holder:)accusation?!I’mwatchingyoustealthosesugarpacketsrightnow?HowcanyouhonestlybelieveIdon’tnotice.

PEARL. (Starting to leave:)look,Idon’tknowwhatyourproblemiswithmeasaperson,butthisisreallyinsulting.I’dbettergo.

GUY. wait.listen:ifyou’llstopstealingthings,Iwon’tgetonyourcase.Okay?

(Pause.)

PEARL.Okay…

GUY. yeah?

PEARL. yeah…

GUY. Great.Sowhereareyoufrom—?

(She whips the tablecloth off the table and starts stuffing it down her pants.)

(Blackout.)

Check Please 17

Scene 7

(GIRl is sitting across from TOD, a little boy—regardless of the age of the actor portraying this role, it should be immediately and abun dantly clear that TOD is far too young for GIRl. A long pause.)

GIRL. Thismaysoundinsensitive,but…howoldareyou?

TOD. what’syerfavoriteanimal?

GIRL. No,I’mserious.Ireallywanttoknowyourage.

TOD. Ilikeelephants.

GIRL. Ithinkthere’sbeenamisunderstanding.See,whenyourpro-filesaidyouwerestillinschool,Iassumedyoumeantcollege—

(She is suddenly interrupted by TOD’s elephant impression. Beat.)

GIRL. That’sverylifelike.

TOD. Doyouhaveascar?Ihaveascar!Doyouwanttoseeit?

GIRL. No,that’sallright.

(Before she can finish her thought, TOD throws his leg up on the ta ble, rolls up his pant leg, and shows the scar on his knee.)

TOD. Igotitfromkickball.Doyouseeit?

GIRL. Honestly,howoldareyou?

TOD. (A quick display on his fingers:) Thismany.willyoubemygirl-friend?

GIRL. yourgirlfriend.

TOD. ’CauseKatie Johnson alwaysbringsboring lunch to schoolandCourtneyShulersmellslikehorses.

GIRL. you’vegotalotofgirlfriends.

TOD. yeahwillyoubemygirlfriend?

GIRL. (Sarcastically giving in:)Sure…Butonlyifyoupayfordinner.

TOD. Okay.

(He produces a huge piggy bank and begins emptying change. Blackout.)

18 JonathanRand

Scene 8

(SOPHIeenters the restaurant. She is a very old woman, edging to ward the table in a walker. GUy just stares. Blackout.)

Scene 9

(BRaNDON and GIRl are in mid-laugh.)

BRANDON. Ididn’teven—

GIRL. —Iknow,Iknow—

BRANDON.—Imean,seriously!

GIRL. —Iknow,right?

(They settle down from the laughter.)

BRANDON. Solisten—alljokingaside…thisisfun!I’mreallyhav-ingagoodtime.

GIRL. Me,too!Thishasbeengreat.

BRANDON. Hasn’tit?

GIRL. Ugh!There’saflyinmywater.

BRANDON. Gross.Here, takemine.(To offstage:)waiter?Canwegetanotherwater?

GIRL. youaresosweet.

BRANDON. ah,c’mon.

GIRL. Noreally.

BRANDON. anyonewoulddothat.

GIRL. actually,you’dbesurprised.withtheluckI’vebeenhavingondates…

BRANDON. Really?Butyou’resofun.andbeautiful.

GIRL. Ohplease.

BRANDON. No.Imeanit.

GIRL. youarejusttoogoodtobetrue.

BRANDON. C’mon,Robin.

(Pause.)

GIRL. what?

Check Please 19

BRANDON. what?

GIRL. who?

BRANDON. what?

GIRL. who’sRobin?

BRANDON. whatdoyoumean?

GIRL. youjustcalledmeRobin.who’sRobin?

(BRaNDON fidgets.)

GIRL. Isityourgirlfriend?

BRANDON. No.

GIRL. whoisshe?

BRANDON. He.

GIRL. He?

BRANDON. He.

GIRL. you’regay?

BRANDON. No!well,yes.ButRobin’smyagent.I’manactor.

GIRL. you’regay.

BRANDON. yeah.

(Pause.)

GIRL. andwhyamIonadatewithyou?

BRANDON. Okay…I’msorry Ididn’t tellyou thissooner,but itwould’ve totallybackfired if Idid.Here’s thedeal: I’llbeplayingStanleyinalocalproductionofStreetcar,andsinceI’mamethod-actor,Iwon’tbeabletogetthepartdownuntilImethod-actstraight.

GIRL. Method-act.

BRANDON. yes.Ican’tbeStanleyKowalskiuntilItrulyexperiencewhatitfeelsliketowooawoman.

(Pause.)

GIRL. SoletmeseeifIcanfollow:youhadmegetdressedupfordinner,driveall thewaydowntown,andgetmyhopesdestroyedafterthinkingI’dfinallymetahalfwaydecentguy—allsoyoucouldgetabetterfeelforbeingstraight?

(Beat.)

BRANDON. youdon’tmind,doyou?

20 JonathanRand

(Pause. She takes her glass of water and douses his face. Pause.)

BRANDON. Ohmy god. That was perfect! The ultimate hetero-sexualdatingmoment!I’vegotit!I’min!I’mstraight!STellaaa-aaaaaaaa—

(She grabs the other glass of water and douses his face again.)

(Blackout.)

(Note: The character of Brandon should NOT be played as flamboy-antly gay—the audience should only be made aware of that fact when he explains it during the date. The actor should play the part com pletely straight throughout.)

Scene 10

LINDA. Hi.

GUY. Hi.

LINDA. I’vebeenlookingforwardtothisforawhile.

GUY. Me,too.Sorryaboutalltherescheduling.

LINDA. Pssh,whatever,it’scool.Oh,shoot.Holdon.Iforgotto—

(She starts rummaging through her purse, and after a couple of sec onds, dumps it on the table and starts looking through the items.)

GUY. what’sup?what’swrong?

LINDA. Oh,it’sthissillything.I’vegotthispillIneedtotakeorelseIgetallweird.(Back to her purse:) IknowIbroughtthem.They’vegottabe—youknow,whatever.I’llbefine.

GUY. yousure?wecouldgotoapharmacyorsomething.

LINDA. Nah it’s no big deal. It’s just a precautionary drug, youknow?Itwon’tkillmeifIdon’ttakeitforonenight.Ijustmaybealittleoutofwhack.youprobablywon’tevenbeabletotell.what-ever.So—anyway.

GUY. (Smiling:)anyway.

LINDA. It’snicetofinallymeetyou.

GUY. Thefeeling’smutual.

LINDA. (Suddenly sarcastic, morose, in a monotone voice:)Ohyes.It’ssoawesometofinallyputanamewithaface.

Check Please 21

GUY. Heh.yeah.Seriously.

LINDA. (Giggly/bubbly:)you’refunny;you’recute.

(Gruff:)He’snotcute.youjusthaven’tbeenoutinawhile.

(Snobby:)ThatisNOT—TRUe.HeisGOOD—lOOKING.

(Jittery:)Shhhhhhhh…you’reembarrassingyourself…

(Aggressive:) Quitfreakingout.

(Easily offended:)what?whyareyoujumpingalloverme?

(Little girl:)Shestartedit!

(Motherly:)Girls,don’tfight.whatwouldyourfathersay.

(Fatherly:)Oh,let’emfight.

GUY. areyouokay?

LINDA. (Aggressive, to GUy:) youstayoutofthis!

(Reasonable:)Hey,leavehimalone.youjustmethim.

(Gruff:)Oh,hecantakecareofhimself

(Monkey:)Oohooh,ah!ah!ah!

(Snobby:) allright,whobroughtthemonkey?

(Assertive:)Notme.

(Little girl:)Notme.

(Gruff:) Notme.

(Pushover:)Idid.I’msosorry.

(Aggressive:)amonkey?Comeon!

(Motherly:) you’d better behave yourself young lady, oryou’regrounded.

(Fatherly:)Getoffhercase,woman!

(Monkey:)OohoohaHHaaHHH!

(GUynotices a bottle and shows it to lINDa.)

GUY. Hey,arethesethepills?

LINDA. (Cheery:)Theretheyare!

(Gruff:) yeah,tooklongenough.

(lINDa swallows the pill.)

GUY. Iseverythingallright?

22 JonathanRand

LINDA. (Mostly back to normal, but woozy:)Okay.Okay.It’sstartingtokickin.

GUY. Great.

LINDA. Inacoupleofseconds,I’llsettleintoasinglepersonality.Butdon’tworry—ninetimesouttenit’soneofthenormalones.

GUY. Butwithmyluck—

(lINDa suddenly lets out a monkey shriek, grabs some bread from the table, sniffs it voraciously, stuffs it in her mouth, and lumbers offstage.)

(Pause.)

GUY. Shewasnice.

(Blackout.)

(Note: Linda’s personality switches should be fast. Each personal-ity should be a different level—her voice and demeanor should be changing dramatically throughout.)

Scene 11

GIRL. Hello.

MANNY. Hi.

GIRL. It’snicetomeetyou.

MANNY. Same.

GIRL. let’sorder.I’mstarved.

MANNY. Me,too.

GIRL. wow,thismenu’shuge!

MANNY. Icanneverdecidewhenthemenu’ssobig.Icanbepicky.

GIRL. Ooh!I’mdefinitelygettingtheporkchops.whataboutyou?

MANNY. Idon’tknow.Nothingreallyleapsout.

GIRL. Really?whydon’tyoutryyyy—thepotroast.

MANNY. Nooo—toomoist.

GIRL. Okay.Howabout…theshrimpscampi.

MANNY. Toomoist.

GIRL. Oh.

Check Please 23

MANNY. Iactuallyhaveatinybitofhygrophobia.

GIRL. Hygrophobia?

MANNY. It’sthefearofdampnessormoisture.

GIRL. Oh,okay.Howabouttheeggplantparmesan?

MANNY. Porphyrophobia.

GIRL. what’sthat?

MANNY.Fearofpurple.

GIRL. youcouldgetthecheeseplate.

MANNY. Coprastasophobia.

GIRL. Fearof…?

MANNY. Constipation.

GIRL. whataboutthesushi?

MANNY. Japanophobia.(Beat.)It’sthefearof—

GIRL. No,Igotit.whataboutthisHawaiianfish?let’sseeifIcanpronounceitright:Humuhumunukunukuapua’a’.

MANNY. Thatactuallysoundsdelicious.

GIRL. Great!

MANNY. But I suffer from a rare case of hippopotomonstroses-quippedaliophobia.

GIRL. whichis?

MANNY. Fearoflongwords.

GIRL. Okay!Howaboutthis:peanutbutterandjelly.

MANNY. Sorry.

GIRL. whatcouldpossiblybewrongwithpeanutbutterandjelly?

MANNY. Irecentlydevelopedarachibutyrophobia.

GIRL. Fearofsandwiches?

MANNY. Fearofpeanutbutterstickingtotheroofofmymouth.

GIRL. Sowhatcanyoueat?

MANNY. NNotmuch.Idohavesitiophobia.

GIRL. Fearof…?

MANNY. Food.

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