Chapter 7

Love and IntimacyLove and Intimacy

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• How are they the same?

• How are they different?

Friendship and Love

The Forms and Measures of Love

• Romantic love

• Companionate love (conjugal love)

“Colors of Love” (Lee, 1974, 1998)

1) Eros: romantic love.2) Ludus: the art of seduction.3) Storage: quiet, calm love that builds over time.4) Mania: consumed by thoughts of the beloved;

highs and lows.5) Pragma: realistic love, made the best “deal.”6) Agape: altruistic, selfless, never demanding,

patient, and true love.

Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999)

• Love is three elements that can be combined to produce 7 different types of love

• Three basic elements: – Passion – sexual desire and physical attraction;

part of romantic love– Intimacy – connection and feelings of closeness;

an emotional investment– Commitment – to love in the short term; to

maintain that love in the long term

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Can We Measure Love?

• Rubin (1970, 1973)– Degrees of Needing– Caring– Trusting

• Measure aspects of relationships– Davis: Relationship Rating Scale – Hatfield & Sprecher: Passionate Love Scale

The Origins of Love

• Behavioral Reinforcement Theories• Cognitive Theories• Evolutionary Theory• Physiological Arousal Theory• Other Biological Factors

Behavioral Reinforcement Theories

• Reinforcement• Positive associations• Mutually reinforcing activities

Cognitive Theories

• Love is an interpretation• Like leads to attraction

Evolutionary Theory

• Humans have 3 basic instincts:– Need for protection– Parent protects the child– Sexual drive

• We love in order to produce offspring • Heterosexual men want healthy women • Heterosexual women want men with

resources

Physiological Arousal Theory

• Physiological arousal is labeled with an emotion, such as love

• We are more likely to experience love when we are physiologically aroused for any reason– Couples who met during a crisis more likely to feel

strongly about one another

• Arousal is a necessary component of love, but love is more than arousal alone

Other Biological Factors

• Pheremones• Neurotransmitters

Love from Childhood to Maturity

• Love becomes more complex as we age• Childhood• Adolescence• Adult Love and Intimacy

Childhood

• Attachment types:– Secure – accepts caregiver leaving– Anxious/ambivalent – panic if left alone– Avoidant – caregiver forces parting early

• Childhood attachment styles may influence type of intimate relationships we form as adults

• Children with divorced parents decreased well being after parent’s divorce; less trust of partners; more likely to experience a divorce in own lives

Adolescence

• Role repertoire • Intimacy repertoire • Usually begin with an unattainable

crush; romantic love more likely if parents’ relationship is stable, at ease with own body

Adult Love and Intimacy

• Field of Eligibles– Proximity – people you know or see often– Similarity – background, values, attitudes– Physical Attraction – “matching hypothesis”– Personality – openness, sociability, humor– Economic Resources – especially in men– Mutual Attraction and Love

• Ideal qualities are consistent across gender, culture, and sexual orientation

Attraction in Different Cultures

• Study comparing 37 cultures (Buss, 1989)• Men valued “good looks” in their partner• Women valued “good financial prospect” in

their partner• Men preferred younger partners• Women preferred older partners

Intimate Relationships

• Self-disclosure is important• Those who value intimacy tend to be more

trusting, concerned for others, disclose more, have more positive thoughts about others, are perceived as more likable, smile, laugh, make more eye contact, and enjoy marriage more

Male and Female Styles of Intimacy

• Culturally transmitted gender roles may be the largest factor in affecting style of intimacy

• Men are inhibited from expressing intimacy, or maybe they just do it differently than women, such as through behavior

• Gay men are more likely to believe in the importance of sharing intimacy with a romantic partner than heterosexual men

Intimacy in Different Cultures

• Culture seems to be more influential than gender in love and intimacy style

• Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures• Strength of stereotypical gender roles affects

level of intimacy; the stronger the stereotype, the less attached couples are

• Western countries rate love as highly important, less developed Asian countries rated love the lowest

Long-Term Love and Commitment

• Effort and commitment are required to maintain a relationship

• Women feel lonely in a marriage that has less liking, marital satisfaction, self-disclosure, and love

• Men feel lonely in a marriage that has less intimacy, liking, and communication

Loss of Love

• A time of mourning• Sadness, depression, anger• Vulnerable to enter another relationship • Vulnerable to lowered self-esteem, self-

blame, distrust others

Love, Sex and How We Build Intimate Relationships

• Sexual intercourse can express affection, intimacy, and love

• Before engaging in a sexual relationship, people should about the following:– Clarify values– Be honest with yourself– Be honest with your partner

Love, Sex and How We Build Intimate Relationships (Cont.)

• Initial attraction increases intimacy: more eye contact, more touches

• Body language reveals attraction, and the female typically starts

• Initially it is contact and conversation with bodies turned toward each other, followed by tentative touches that increase in duration and intimacy, then “full body synchronization”

• Higher sexual desire, less unfaithful thoughts

Developing Intimacy Skills

• Self-love – being at ease with ourselves, both the positive and negative qualities

• Receptivity – shows others we are open to communication, approachable

• Listening – provide full attention• Affection – warmth and security with others• Trust – a requirement that develops slowly• Respect – acknowledge and understand

another’s needs; don’t have to share them

The Dark Side of Love

• Jealousy• Compulsiveness• Possessiveness

Jealousy

• Interpretation and emotional reaction that a relationship is threatened

• Most jealous if the person we believe is threatening the relationship has qualities we want ourselves

• More common with low self-esteem

Jealousy (Cont.)

• Men more jealous of a female’s sexual infidelity

• Women more jealous of a male’s emotional infidelity

• Both genders more threatened by sexual infidelity in short-term relationships

• Both genders more threatened by emotional infidelity in long-term relationships

Jealousy (Cont.)

• Male heterosexuals more jealous of male-female sexual infidelity

• Heterosexual women more jealous of male-male sexual infidelity

• Much unknown about homosexual infidelity• Jealousy is in all cultures, although the

reasons may vary• Jealousy shows a lack of trust & self-esteem

Compulsiveness

• Love releases phenylethylamine (also in chocolate), which produces feelings of euphoria and love addiction

• Society and media reinforces the “need” to be in love and may be carried over from adolescence without maturing

Possessiveness

• Trying to manipulate the partner in attempts to feel worthy

• Is a sign of low self-esteem and can lead to stalking

• May require help from a mental health professional