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CBS MADNESS

Steve Fiorillo

INT. BASKETBALL ARENA

The NCAA basketball championship is in progress. A graphicpops up that shows the score: KENTUCKY 88 UCONN 62.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)Welcome back to the NCAAChampionship game on CBS. Withjust a few minutes left, Kentuckyhas an insurmountable lead, and are

well on their way to the title. Wego now to our sideline reporter EvaMoreno who is standing with star

Kentucky player Marcus Jeffries.EVA stands on the sideline next to MARCUS, a foot taller.

EVA Marcus, your team dominatedtonight, and a big part of that wasyour huge game. How does it feel?

MARCUSI cant take the credit for thisgame. Team isnt just one man. Weall work together, as a group of

men. Which reminds me: everyoneshould watch the special Two and aHalf Men episode airing after this.Big laughs after a big game!

EVA (chuckles)

Almost sounds like a paidadvertisement.

MARCUSNo advertising here, just want toshow some love to my favoritenetwork.

EVA Did you expect the team to playthis well on both sides of theball?

MARCUSAbsolutely, I expect this everygame. This is a good team.

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Real good. Good like a certain wife I get to come home to every

Sunday night.

EVA Uh--

MARCUSTalking about The Good Wife.Fantastic legal drama featuring theincomparable Julianna Margulies inthe role of a lifetime--

EVA Heh, well we at CBS also love thatprogram--

MARCUS

And the legendary ChristineBaranski--

EVA But to get back to basketball, howdo you react to the people sayingthat this game will be a huge boonto your position in the upcomingdraft?

MARCUSYou know, you always wanna put yourbest foot forward and I feel like I

did tonight. You try your best andput your heart into it and youregonna succeed because you put youraforementioned heart into it.

EVA You played with a real ferocitytonight. How do you get into thathead space?

MARCUSI bring that intensity to everygame. Every afternoon I watch thefantastic soap operas CBS has tooffer, and the intense drama shakes

me to my very core and I bring it with me to the court every night.

They make me young and restless!

EVA Well, they are quality soaps, but--

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MARCUS (CONT'D)

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MARCUSAbsolutely. Actually if I could go

more into detail on that--

EVA I appreciate how much you love ournetwork, but the fans want to hearyou talk about basketball.

MARCUSIm sorry, Im just so excited tobe on CBS . I want to meet everyonehere! Is... is Morley Safer here?

EVA No, hes not.

MARCUS

What about Margot Wain?EVA

Who is Margot Wain?

MARCUSUm, only the best Vice President ofDaytime Programming this side ofBrian Frons!

Apropos of nothing, Marcus takes off his jersey, revealing aT-shirt that says BAZINGA!

EVA This is ridiculous. Im trying tohave a basketball interview.

MARCUSWell then I guess Ill take it off.

He takes the shirt off, revealing a tattoo of the CBS eye onhis chest.

EVA Unbelievable. Youre about to winthe NCAA championship and allyoure thinking about are somestupid TV shows.

MARCUSHow dare you. Basketball is agame, its a hobby. My truepassion is watching the incredibletelevision programs that CBS churnsout year after year.

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Ever since my loving, adoptiveelderly white parents fromGreenleaf, Idaho made me watch JAGevery night. Dramas, sitcoms,reality: theyve got it all at aquality no network can match!

Marcus teammate DAMIEN shows up behind him.

DAMIENYou talked about The Good Wife,right?

MARCUSYeah I talked about The Good Wife.

DAMIENChristine Baranski, man. Living.

Legend.MARCUS

I joined Kentuckys basketballprogram, I put this entire god damnteam on my back, and I took us tothe championship game so I couldfinally have the platform to tellAmerica that youd have to beinsane to not watch The Mentalistand that the 2 Broke Girls are richin laughter! Also to try and makeNina Tassler my girlfriend.

EVA I didnt realize it was thatimportant to you. Im sorry. Lastquestion: is there anyone you wantto thank or give a shout out to?

MARCUSI just wanna thank my Mom. Mondaysat 9:30!

A whistle blows and the REF appears.

REFFoul, for watching that drivelinstead of the critically acclaimedNBC sitcoms.

MARCUSUgh, this asshole.

BLACKOUT

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MARCUS (CONT'D)