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1/38

BROOKLYN NINE-NINE

"LIGHT BULBS"

Written by

Clay Barron

1408 W. Washington Blvd #206Los Angeles, CA 90007(940) 390-4193 WGA Registered


2/38

COLD OPEN

INT. 99TH PRECINCT - BULLPEN - MORNING1 1

DET. JAKE PERALTA sits at his desk in a catatonic state.

Around him is a whirlwind of disorder as the rest of thestaff is running amok, misbehaving like school children whenthe teacher is out of the room. CPT. RAY HOLT enters fromhis office, surveying his team for a moment.

HOLTHey!

All noise stops.

HOLT (CONTD)Sit!

The staff sits.

HOLT (CONTD)Now, as you all know, this week isFriends of Police and Fire weekfor Brooklyns public schools.

DIAZFriends of who?

HOLTCome on everyone, memos went outweeks ago. Sergeant Jeffords, youdistributed them, yes?

TERRYI gave it to Gina to make copies.

GINA(distracted on her phone)

I gave it to Hitchcock.

DET. HITCHCOCK discreetly picks up a PIECE OF PAPER from hisdesk, crumples it up and begins to eat it.

HITCHCOCK(mouth full)Havent seen it, boss.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine "LIGHT BULBS" 1.01/19/14

(CONTINUED)


3/38

HOLTNever mind that. Just know thatthis week groups of elementaryschool students will be coming intothe precinct to meet their officersand learn about the services we

provide them.

GINAThats inappropriate.

HOLTDetective Boyle is waiting outsideto intercept students from P.S. 232and will be bringing them inshortly. I want all of you on yourbest behavior. This is the Mayorsinitiative. Shirts tucked. Tiestight. That means you Peralta.

Jake is still sitting catatonic at his desk.

HOLT (CONTD)And Diaz, one more button.

SCULLYHaha. Lookin at your boobies.

Perplexed by Scully, Holt walks to DET. AMY SANTIAGO.

HOLTDetective Santiago, a word please.

AMYYes sir.

HOLTWhen Boyle arrives I want you tohelp him escort the children.

GINAAlso inappropriate.

AMY

Captain, does it have to be me? Ihave a ton of paperwork to tackle.Cant Scully do it?

HOLTI need a girl to do it.

AMYA girl?


(CONTINUED)


4/38

GINAAhhh ha ha ha.

HOLTWhat I mean to say is, I want thestudents to see the female

perspective of police work. And Idrather not leave them to Diaz.

DIAZThanks captain.

HOLT(noticing Jake)

Can anyone tell me what Peralta isdoing?

GINAHes waiting for his light bulb.

HOLTHis light bulb?

AMYYou know, that thing he does whenhe cant figure out a case, butthen someone says somethingseemingly inane and it triggers theidea he was missing.

FLASHBACK:

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - EARLIER2 2

Jake sits across from a hand-cuffed SUSPECT.

JAKEI know you couldnt have done italone. Who is your accomplice?!

Theres a knock on the door. DET. CHARLES BOYLE enters.

BOYLE

Hey Jakester. I baked a pie.Strawberry rhubarb. In the bullpen,nice and hot.

JAKENot the time Ch- wait. Pie? Pi...The math teacher! Boom! Jake! Jake!Jake! Ja-


(CONTINUED)


5/38

BACK TO SCENE:

AMYBut, he cant seem to figure outhis North Side robbery. Hes beenlike that for hours.

GINADo you think hes dying?

Jake snaps into being.

JAKE(to Gina)

Every body stop! What did you say?

GINAJust that it would be really sad ifyou had an aneurism or something.

JAKEDying... Fabric...

Boyle leads a TEACHER and her STUDENTS into the bullpen.

JAKE (CONTD)Wool.. No no no. No!

BOYLEAlright kids, this is the bullpen,where the real police work hap-

Jake erupts into a fit of rage, throwing items from his desk.

JAKESon of a [bleep]! Stupid piece of[bleep]! You dirty [bleep]inglittle [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]!

Everyone has frozen. Jake turns to see the children.

JAKE (CONTD)Heyyyy kids... Who wants to playwith some handcuffs?

GINA(mouths)

Inappropriate.

BOY STUDENT[Bleep]!

END OF COLD OPEN


(CONTINUED)


6/38

ACT ONE

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - THE NEXT DAY3 3

The detectives are gathered, waiting for the morning brief insilence. Holt enters and stands at the podium, Jeffords is byhis side.

HOLTThirty-two. Thirty-two complaintsfrom parents. The Mayors office isup in arms.

DIAZThere werent even that many kidshere.

HOLTIm aware of that.

JAKEIn my defense Captain, had I beenmade aware that children would bein the precinct I would have beenmuch more careful with my language.

AMYAnd actions?

JAKEThose too.

FLASHBACK:

INT. BULLPEN - THE PREVIOUS DAY4 4

Chaos. The teacher and detectives are attempting to consolethe crying children as Jake is in a sort of bear-hugwrestling match with the boy student who now refuses to stoploudly repeating his new favorite swear word.

JAKE(also screaming)

You have the right to remainsilent! You have the right toremain silent!

Diaz steps forward and uses her TASER to subdue Jake.


(CONTINUED)


7/38

BACK TO SCENE:

JAKE (CONTD)Im not great with kids.

HOLT

Fortunately, Detective Peralta, theDeputy Mayor owes me a favor sothere will not be any sanctions,and Friends of Police and Fireweek will continue. However,detectives Boyle and Santiago willbe the only ones who will speak tothe children.

BOYLESir, may I make a suggestion?

HOLT

You may.

BOYLEWhat if we implemented a swear jarin the office?

The other detectives jeer and boo this idea.

BOYLE (CONTD)Now come on, it could be fun. Everytime someone uses an inappropriateword they put a dollar in the jarand at the end of every month wecan use the money to buy snacks or,or, or drinks at the bar. Orsomething.

AMYOr something like force us to spendeven more time with each other?

BOYLE(glancing at Diaz)

Or simply enjoying the company ofour coworkers and friends.

DIAZGet bent, ass.

BOYLEEveryone gets a freebie.

JAKEVagina!


(CONTINUED)


8/38

BOYLEHuman anatomy. Not a swear word.

HOLTI think its a great ideaDetective. Santiago, youre with

Boyle. Find us some sort ofreceptacle to collect the money.

AMYLike a jar?

HOLTThat would be sufficient. Then prepfor todays students. BrookhavenDay School.

Amy and Boyle exit.

AMY(mutters)

Seriously? Why am I baby sitter?

HOLTNow, a body was found in a dumpsterat the 300 block of 4th Ave. Weneed a detective out there to takeover the preliminary investigation.

JAKEDont worry captain. Detective JakeThe Shark Peralta is on it.

DIAZLame.

JAKEThe Shark is awesome.

TERRYYou cant just give yourself anickname.

JAKE

You call yourself Terry all thetime.

TERRYBut Terry is my name.


(CONTINUED)


9/38

JAKE(mocking)

But Terry is my- you know what Imean.

HOLT

Diaz. Take the body. SergeantJeffords will go with you.

JAKEBut Captain, this is bull... stuff.

HOLTPeralta, youre with me. We aregoing to find your light bulb.

EXT. ABANDONED 4TH AVE WAREHOUSE - DAY5 5

Diaz and Jeffords approach the crime scene where a very youngUNIFORMED OFFICER waits for them. There is entirely too muchPOLICE TAPE blocking their view.

OFFICERExcuse me miss, youre going tohave to stay back, this is a crimescene.

Diaz flashes her badge.

DIAZMove!

The officer screams softly and jumps backwards, trappinghimself in the tape like a spiderweb.

DIAZ (CONTD)Youve got to be kidding me.

The officer struggles to break free.

OFFICERIm sorry, umm, I just, let me.Hold on just one--

Jeffords picks the officer up effortlessly and sets him onhis feet.

OFFICER (CONTD)Wow. Thanks detective.

TERRYSergeant.


(CONTINUED)


10/38

OFFICERUh, yeah. Yes sir.

DIAZYoure new here arent you?

OFFICERYes, yes maam. Third week.

DIAZ(bored)

Great.

TERRYWhat have we got here?

OFFICERUmm, a body.

DIAZWhat kind of body?

OFFICERMale. Uh, vagrant, I think. About40. A woman called it in, and Icalled you guys.

TERRYDid you touch anything?

OFFICERNo det- I mean Sergeant. Just, justthe tape.

DIAZAnd a fine tape job it was.

Diaz pulls out a KNIFE, cutting through the tape easily. Shewalks to the DUMPSTER, peers inside. Sees only trash.

DIAZ (CONTD)Wheres the body?

OFFICER

Huh?

DIAZThe body. Theres nothing here.

The young officer walks to the dumpster, looks inside.

OFFICEROh god.



11/38

EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - LATER6 6

HOLT (V.O.)Tell me about your case Peralta.

INT. BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS7 7

On a TABLE near the front of the precinct is a SWEAR JAR thatalready has several DOLLAR BILLS in it. Above it is a signthat reads, 99S SWEAR JAR.

Jake and Cpt. Holt are seated at Jakes DESK. On hisCOMPUTER, Jake has a series of PICTURES.

JAKERobbery. B and E. Just, missing theB. No signs of forced entry, noforeign prints. Everything was

locked down.

HOLTWho is the victim?

JAKEKyle Alexander.

FLASHBACK:

INT. KYLE ALEXANDERS APARTMENT - THREE DAYS EARLIER8 8

Jake surveys KYLES (30s, slight, very nerdy) apartment. Theshelves are decorated with ACTION FIGURES.

KYLEI left my apartment at 8:30am to goto Penn Station to pick up-

JAKE(looking past Kyle)

Oh! Cool wizard.

Jake picks up a large, extravagant wizard figurine.

KYLEUm, its a Mage, actually.

JAKEWhats his name?

KYLEBalanon. And hes very expensive.


(CONTINUED)


12/38

Kyle takes the Mage back.

KYLE (CONTD)Anyway, when I got home my stuffwas gone.

GINA (V.O.)Obviously, the nerd took it allhimself.

BACK TO SCENE:

On Jakes screen is a SELFIE-STYLE PICTURE of himself, Kyle,and Balanon - Jake has a huge smile and a thumbs up.

JAKENo, Gina. He didnt. Witnesses saidthey saw him leaving the apartmentempty handed, and they called the

cops when they heard a scream whenhe got home. He was still passedout when I arrived.

HOLTWho was he picking up from PennStation?

JAKEHis girlfriend.

Jake brings up a PICTURE of a very attractive, seductivelydressed blonde woman.

HOLTThats his girlfriend? She seems abit... out of his league.

JAKEThats what I thought, until Ifound out that Mr. Alexander is Mr.Uncle Pennybags, Jr.

Jake switches to a PUBLICITY PHOTO of Kyle holding a largeNOVELTY CHECK from the state lottery. Gina eagerly walks from

her desk to look at the computer.

GINAOooh, hello stranger.

JAKEList of items stolen: $15,000 cash,a laptop, and prescription anxietypills.


(CONTINUED)


13/38

GINAObviously, the girlfriend did it.

JAKEWrong again Gina! She missed hertrain. Shes stuck in Schenectady.

HOLTDid you interview the super? Theneighbors?

JAKEYes and yes. No one saw or heardanything.

HOLTWell, if there was no sign offorced entry, someone must have hadaccess to his keys.

JAKENope, the guy is very secretive.And, its a security building. Theguards didnt have anyone pass byduring the two hours Alexander wasgone.

GINAObviously, the Super was in on it.

JAKEI swear to god, Gina!

HOLTLets head to the scene. I want tolook around myself.

JAKEWith all due respect captain, Idont see any point in that.

HOLTYoud rather stay here and doliterally absolutely nothing?

JAKEYes. Id rather sit at my desk, goto Happytown in Brainsburg -population The Shark - and letthe inspiration come my way.

GINAHa. More like The Minnow.


(CONTINUED)


14/38

JAKESay one more thing Gina!

GINAGeez. Okay.

SCULLYYeah, dont go all postal oranything, Sam Kinison.

JAKEThats a dated reference and itdoesnt even make sens- Hold on.Postal... Thats it! Of course! Noone notices the mailman!

Jake jumps up, grabs his coat, and heads for the door.

JAKE (CONTD)

Come on Captain, lets close thisthing! The Shark is back, bitches!

Jake exits.

GINA(calling after him)

Thatll be a dollar!

Jake runs back into the bullpen and slam dunks a CRUMPLEDDOLLAR BILL into the swear jar, knocking it off the tablewhere it shatters on the floor. Jake pauses for a moment thenruns back out the door.

GINA (CONTD)Im not cleaning that up!

JAKE(over his shoulder)

Yes you are!

END OF ACT ONE


(CONTINUED)


15/38

ACT TWO

EXT. 99TH PRECINCT - AFTERNOON11 11

Detectives Boyle and Santiago are waiting outside for the

arrival of the Brookhaven Day School students.

BOYLE(in a cockney accent)

Whew, its gettin a bit chilly.

AMYUgh, this is the worst. Ive gotsix cases to close.

BOYLEOh come on, this is great. Young,open minds, ready to soak up

knowledge like a sponge.

AMYI hate kids.

BOYLEHow can you say that? Kids are thebest. I always wanted a wholegaggle of my own. But my ex-wifenever wanted them.

AMYI can deal with kids when they canhave a real conversation. Oncetheyre like... 13, great.

BOYLEOh no, junior high kids can be verycruel. They used to call me FunnyGirl.

AMY(sincerely)

Aww, Im sorry. Thats so mean.

BOYLEWell, I did go to an all boysschool and someone had to do it.

FLASHBACK:



16/38

INT. SCHOOL AUDITORIUM - 1980S12 12

A YOUNG BOYLE is on stage, dressed a la Barbara Streisand inFunny Girl. He sings Im the Greatest Star.

BOYLE

I REITERATE / WHEN YOURE GIFTED,THEN YOURE GIFTED /THESE ARE FACTS /I GOT NO AX TO GRIND!

BACK TO SCENE:

AMYThat is atsoundingly notsurprising.

BOYLEHey, I was nominated for a Junior

Tony for my turn as Marian theLibrarian. Oh! Here they come.

We hear the joyful voices of children as 20 EIGHT YEAR OLDKIDS come running around the corner being chased by theirteacher KELLY ABRAMS (30s, cute, disheveled).

KELLYWait! Wait! Form a line!

BOYLEHey kids!

The kids run straight by Boyle and mob Santiago, yelling,asking questions, and attempting to grab her gun.

AMYWait. No, dont touch tha- Boyle!Help!

The swarm has consumed her. Kelly catches up to the group.She and Boyle meet eyes. Sparks fly.

BOYLEHi, Im- Im Detective San- I mean

Boyle. Detective Charles Boyle. Youmust be Ms. Abrams.

KELLYOh, Kelly. Please.

AMYBoyle!


(CONTINUED)


17/38


18/38

SUPERYes. How may I be of service?

HOLTIm Captain Ray Holt, I believeyouve spoken with Detective

Peralta.

SUPERAh, yes. How is the robbery comingalong detective?

JAKE(eager)

Where is he?!

SUPERIm sorry?

JAKEThe mailman, when does he come?

SUPERI- I dont understand what-

JAKEIt was obviously the mail man. Heknew Alexander wouldnt be home.Probably walked right by OfficerMagoo over here.

The security guard is asleep.

SUPERIm afraid thats-

JAKE(over him)

Where he walked straight up stairsand...

HOLTBroke into the apartment withoutbreaking into the apartment?

JAKEShhhh....oot.

SUPERRobbery was on Sunday, no post onSunday. And besides, all mail goesinto letter boxes in lobby.


(CONTINUED)


19/38

He points to a large bank of MAILBOXES behind the detectives.

JAKEI... should have noticed that.

HOLT

(to super)I wonder if you could tell me whereyou were at the time of therobbery.

SUPERLike I told the Detective, atSynagogue, with my wife.

HOLTCan anyone confirm this?

SUPER

My wife.

HOLTWill you have her join us please?

SUPERShes not home. At work.

HOLTAnd are there security cameras inthe hallways upstairs?

SUPERNo. Only in lobby.

HOLTVery well. You have a nice day. Wewill notify you if we have anydevelopments.

INT. CAPTAIN HOLTS VEHICLE - IMMEDIATELY AFTER15 15

Jake and Captain Holt enter the car.

JAKEI cant believe this.

HOLTYou do realize it was the Super whodid it, dont you?


(CONTINUED)


20/38

JAKEWhaaaat? You heard him, he was withhis wife.

HOLTAt synagogue? On a Sunday? And he

had a tan line where his weddingband clearly used to be. Hes mostlikely going through a divorce andtook the opportunity to make somemoney he couldnt lose in thesettlement.

JAKEOh my god, Captain. Youre agenius! Alright, lets go back in,but I get to cuff him.

HOLT

We have no proof. I want to take alook at the security footage first.

A dispatchers voice comes through the radio, unheard byPeralta and Holt.

JAKEGood plan. The Shark andThe Bear, the dynamic duo!

DISPATCHER (V.O.)Attention all units. We havea 10-57. White male, 40s,appears to be... dead.

HOLT (CONTD)(to Jake)

No.

EXT. ABANDONED 4TH AVE WAREHOUSE - LATER16 16

Detective Diaz stands with the young officer. SergeantJeffords is at the cruiser, holding a walkie-talkie.

TERRYOkay. The message is out. Weve gotpeople looking.

OFFICERI cant believe I lost a dead body.How do you lose a dead body?

DIAZ(consoling-ish)

Hey, it okay. Things like thishappen all the time.


(CONTINUED)


21/38

OFFICERNo they dont. Oh my god, Im nevergoing to hear the end of this.

DIAZThats not true. In a few... years

people wont even remember ithappened.

OFFICERI bet neither of you did somethingthis stupid when you were rookies.

DIAZNo. I didnt.

TERRYI once thought a mannequin with atennis racket was a murderer and

shot it ten times.

Unseen, a HOMELESS MAN approaches from behind.

OFFICERHow long did it take people toforget about that?

TERRYOh, that was just a few months ago.

HOMELESS MANGot any change?

TERRYSorry.

DIAZCant help ya.

OFFICERThats him!

HOMELESS MANIm who?

OFFICERThe dead man. You were dead!

HOMELESS MANNo I wasnt.

OFFICERI saw you. In the dumpster.

HOMELESS MANI was taking a nap.


(CONTINUED)


22/38

FLASHBACK:

EXT. ABANDONED 4TH AVE WAREHOUSE - EARLIER17 17

The young officer aggressively tapes off the area around the

crime scene. Behind him, the homeless man stands up in thedumpster, stretches, climbs out and walks off screen.

BACK TO SCENE:

DIAZAhhh hahaha. This is too good.

INT. BULLPEN - LATER19 19

On the table where the swear jar used to be is now just apile of money. The sign now reads 99S SWEAR JAR PILE.

Santiago, Boyle, Kelly, and the students enter the precinct.Boyle has eyes only for Kelly.

AMYOkay, kids. This room is called thebullpen. This is um, where thedetectives-

LITTLE BOYWhats that?

AMYThats the interrogation room.Well get to that lat-

LITTLE BOYWhats that?

AMYThats a coffee maker.

BOYLESo, Kelly, have you always wantedto be a teacher?

KELLYOh, no. I grew up wanting to be agymnast. Well, and a princess.

BOYLEWell, mLady, allow me to escortyou through our castle.


(CONTINUED)


23/38

Boyle extends his arm. Kelly takes it.

KELLYOooh. Yes mLord.

LITTLE GIRL

Whats that?

AMYThats Detective Scully.

LITTLE BOYAnd that?

AMYThats literally just a pair ofshoes.

KELLY

(seductively)So, detective Boyle, where is youroffice?

BOYLEUh, well, this is my desk righthere. My throne if you will.

KELLYOooh, very fancy. Look at allthis... paperwork.

BOYLEWell, theres a lot of work thatgoes in to running a kingdom.

LITTLE GIRLHave you ever seen a dead body?

AMYI- um...

LITTLE BOYHave you ever busted a cap insomeones ass?

GINADollar!

AMYWhat? No. Look, lets just- Boyle!


(CONTINUED)


24/38

BOYLEHuh? Oh! Hey kids, who wants to seewhere we put the bad guys?

KELLYDoesnt that sound like fun?

ALL STUDENTSYaaaay!

The group exits.

Jake and Captain Holt enter. Jake sings to the theme ofMission Impossible.

JAKETHE SHARK AND THE BEAR/

HOLT

Stop it.

JAKEWATCH OUT CROOKS BEWARE/

HOLTQuiet.

JAKEKICK BUTT COPS ARE THERE/

HOLTEnough!

JAKEDid you like my song? Its calledThe Shark and the Bear.

HOLTJust show me the footage Peralta.

GINASo, did your light bulb switch on?

JAKE

No, Gina. The captains did.

GINAWell, where is the guy?

JAKEWere about to settle that rightnow.


(CONTINUED)


25/38

Jake and Captain Holt take a seat at Jakes desk. Jake pullsup the SECURITY FOOTAGE.

JAKE (CONTD)Okay, just fast forward here alittle bit.

A smattering of people entering and exiting the building. Thesecurity guard sleeps, but eventually wakes up. Jake stopsthe fast forward as Kyle walks by empty handed.

JAKE (CONTD)And here is Kyle leaving at 8:30.

Jake fast forwards the tape again. For a while nothing.Then...

HOLTStop. Right there.

Frozen on the screen is the super with his WIFE, leaving forsynagogue. They are laughing, she kisses him on the cheek.

JAKEWhat? No, no way.

Jake fast forwards the tape again. Nothing. Just the securityguard again asleep at his desk.

Jake stands up, his rage is building up again.

HOLTDetective...

Jake is about to explode.

The little boy comes running into the bullpen wearing a RIOTHELMET and swinging a BATON, chased by Santiago.

At the same moment, Diaz, Sergeant Jeffords, and the YoungOfficer enter the precinct.

AMYStop! Stop Right now!

HOLTPeralta!

JAKE[BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE]...

END OF ACT TWO


(CONTINUED)


26/38

ACT THREE

INT. BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS21 21

We pick up immediately where we left off.

JAKE...[EEEEEEP!!]

The little boy runs head-first into Sergeant Jeffords andbounces right off of him.

AMYThats it!

HOLTThats it!

Amy grabs the little boy by the shoulder at the exact momentCaptain Holt grabs Jake by the back of the neck.

AMYEveryone! In the briefingroom! Now!

HOLTPeralta! In my office! Now!

Amy drags the boy to the briefing room. Captain Holt dragsJake to his office.

YOUNG OFFICERWhat the?

TERRYCan someone tell me what justhappened?

GINAI dont know. But I liked it.

INT. THE CAPTAINS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS22 22

Captain Holt forcibly sits Jake in the chair then sits behindhis desk.

HOLTNow just what in the hell was

that?!

JAKE(grumpy)

Thats a dollar.

HOLTI dont give a damn about thedollar! What is wrong with you?


(CONTINUED)


27/38

JAKEI dont know what youre talkingabout.

HOLTYou know exactly what Im talking

about. Is it the case? Peralta, weall have ones we cant crack.

JAKENo captain! We dont. I dont.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS23 23

Amy stands at the podium. The students file in, followed byBoyle and Kelly, still flirting.

AMY

Everyone sit!

The students immediately sit.

AMY (CONTD)Boyle! Ms. Abrams! Sit.

KELLYOh please, call me Kelly.

AMYTake a seat princess!

Boyle and Kelly sit.

AMY (CONTD)Now, everyone look at me and payattention. My name is Detective AmySantiago. I have seven brothers. Ihave always wanted to be a policeofficer, and my dream is to one daybe a Captain. Last year I arrested86 bad men and 17 bad women. I haveseen more than one dead body. Ihave never shot anyone, but I have

been shot at. Any questions?

Beat. Finally...

LITTLE BOY 2Were you scared when that man shotat you?


(CONTINUED)


28/38

AMY(taken aback)

I, um... yeah. A little bit.

LITTLE BOY 2Wow.

INT. THE CAPTAINS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS/SIMULTANEOUS24 24

JAKELook, I know Im a good detective.And I know Im cocky, or arrogant,or whatever. But its because Ivealways been able to put stuff likethis together. But now- I just knowthe answer is right there.

HOLT

You are a good detective. I was agood detective. I happen to thinkIm a pretty good captain. You canagree with me now.

JAKEYoure a very good captain.

HOLTThank you. And I cant figure thiscase out either. But youve got tokeep your head on straight. Trustyour instincts. And when your angerbuilds up, take a deep breath,count to ten, and dont swear infront of children.

INT. THE BRIEFING ROOM - CONTINUOUS/SIMULTANEOUS25 25

AMY(animated)

... and then he ran onto theBrooklyn Bridge, where I chased himdown and arrested him on foot.

SEVERAL CHILDRENCool!

BOYLEYeah, cool.


(CONTINUED)


29/38

LITTLE BOYDo you think I could be a policeofficer?

AMYYeah. Absolutely. But its a lot of

hard work. Can you do that?

LITTLE BOYYeah!

INT. THE CAPTAINS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS/SIMULTANEOUS26 26

HOLTAre we clear?

JAKEYes.

HOLTAre you good?

JAKEYeah.

HOLTGood. Now get back to work.

JAKEYes sir.

They both stand. Jake extends his fist to the captain.

JAKE (CONTD)Shark and The Bear?

HOLTNo.

INT. THE BULLPEN - CONTINUOUS27 27

Detective Diaz and Gina stand at the window to the briefing

room. Diaz notices Boyle and Kelly sitting close together.

DIAZWho is this chick?

GINAThats Miss K. Shes the teacher.


(CONTINUED)


30/38

DIAZShe uh, shes getting along withBoyle pretty well, huh?

GINAYeah. Theyre both so weird.

DIAZ(curt)

He can do better.

GINAIs that jealousy?

DIAZWhat? No.

GINA(skeptical)

Oooookay. I thought you had aboyfriend.

DIAZI do. I just, want to make sureBoyle ends up with someone who isgood for him.

GINAHmmm. Right.

DIAZShut up. Ass.

Gina opens her mouth, but before she can say anything, Diazhas already handed her a dollar. Gina takes it.

GINAThank you very much.

INT. THE BULLPEN - LATER28 28

The staff of the precinct are spread around the bullpen andare interacting with the children. Diaz is teaching a child

how to quickly flip open a BADGE, Terry is using two childrenas dumbbells. The young officer is telling an animated storyto a group of students. Amy stands with Boyle surveying thescene.

AMYSo, Kelly seems nice.


(CONTINUED)


31/38

BOYLEYeah. Shes pretty great.

AMYAre you going to ask her out?

BOYLEWere having dinner on Friday.

AMYWell look at you.

BOYLEAh-thank you. Hey, you were reallygreat with them in there.

AMYThanks. It was... fun.

BOYLETold you so.

AMYYeah I guess they are pretty cute.You know, nap time, soccer games,little fish sticks at lunch.

Jake and Captain Holt immediately stand up and look atSantiago.

JAKEWhat did you just say?!

HOLTWhat did you just say?!

AMY (CONTD)I, um, I dont know.

Jake and Captain Holt lock eyes and meet at Jakes desk. Jakereplays the security footage from before. It appears to bethe exact same except for the smallest, barely noticeablejump in between frames.

JAKEIts so obvious!

Jake and Captain Holt run out of the precinct.

INT. CAPTAIN HOLTS VEHICLE - MOMENTS LATER29 29

Captain Holt drives quickly through the city. Jake dials anumber on his phone.


(CONTINUED)


32/38

JAKEHold on, its ringing.

Beat.

JAKE (CONTD)

Any minute now. Kyle! DetectivePeralta. I need you to meet me inthe lobby. Yeah, right now.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER30 30

Jake and Captain Holt run through the front door.

JAKEI get to handcuff him!

HOLT

Fine!

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - LOBBY - CONTINUOUS31 31

Kyle is waiting in the lobby with the superintendent and thesecurity guard.

KYLE(to the super)

I dont know, he just called meright now.

Jake and Captain Holt enter the lobby.

SUPERDetectives, how may I help you?

JAKENot so fast, we have a few morequestions we need to ask.

SUPERI told you it was not me. I was atsynagogue with my wife.

HOLTNot questions for you.

JAKEQuestions for you.

Jake is pointing at the security guard.


(CONTINUED)


33/38

SECURITY GUARDFor me?

JAKEWhere is the money?

HOLTI believe hes already spent themoney. Thats a pretty nice watchon a security guards salary.

SECURITY GUARDIt was a gift. A family heirloom.

Captain Holt grabs his wrist and examines his WATCH.

HOLTHmm... You would expect somescratches on an heirloom. This one

looks awfully new. In fact, its a2014 Lunari. Market value of about$9000.

Jake looks at the captain, impressed.

HOLT (CONTD)(to Jake)

My people knows these things.

JAKEWhat do you mean my people?

HOLTNot the time Peralta. Now, Mr.Alexander-

JAKESeriously, are you talking aboutblack people or gay people? Imgenuinely curious.

HOLTMr. Alexander, tell me again whatyou did the morning of the robbery.

KYLEUmm... I got up, made myself somebreakfast, took a shower-

HOLTCloser to the time of the robbery,Mr. Alexander.


(CONTINUED)


34/38

KYLEOh, I left the apartment at about8:30. Got a message from mygirlfriend that she was stuck inSchenectady, so I turned around andwhen I got home everything was

gone.

JAKEAnd how long have you and yourgirlfriend been dating?

KYLEUm... 6 months.

JAKEAnd how often do you visit eachother?

KYLEThis was the first time.

HOLTSo youve never actually seen herin person.

KYLENo, she lives Upstate. We metonline.

JAKEWell Kyle, I hate to break it toyou, but she doesnt exist.

KYLEWhat?

JAKEShe is in fact, Officer Magoo!

Jake walks over to the security guards computer and turnsthe MONITOR around. On the screen is a SOCIAL MEDIA PROFILEwith the same picture of Kyles girlfriend from earlier.

JAKE (CONTD)You... have been cat-fished.

KYLEI- what?!


(CONTINUED)


35/38

JAKE(to the captain)

Can I keep going? Or do you wantit?

HOLT

Take it, but Im cuffing him.

JAKEGuh! Fine. Our security guardfriend here was sure to have foundout you had won the lottery.

FLASHBACK:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - LOBBY - WEEKS EARLIER32 32

The security guard sits at his desk watching the news. On the

TV is Kyle accepting his novelty check. The guard does a spit-take.

BACK TO SCENE:

JAKESo what does a senior citizenmaking minimum wage with a fondnessof teenage pop music do? He createsa fake identity online, uses hisbig, fake boobs to seduce thelonely millionaire, lures him outof his apartment, steals what hewants using his keys so theres nosign of a break-in, and thendoctors the tape so that no one isthe wiser! BOOM!

KYLEOh my god.

SUPEROh my god.

JAKE (CONTD)(to the security guard)

But what I dont understand is whytake the anxiety pills?

SECURITY GUARDI thought they were funny-pills.

JAKEHa. Yeah. Well, they werent. Readycaptain?

Captain Holt is HANDCUFFING the security guard.


(CONTINUED)


36/38

HOLTYou have the right to remainsilent. Anything you say or do...

INT. THE BULLPEN - MOMENTS LATER33 33

The precinct waves goodbye to the students. Kelly winks toBoyle. He winks back, poorly. Diaz and Jeffords pull theyoung officer aside.

TERRYLook kid, dont worry about today.

DIAZYeah, the only people who reallyknow are the three of us. And wellkeep it a secret.

YOUNG OFFICERThanks. You guys are... reallynice.

DIAZIf you tell anyone Ill end you.

Jake and the Captain walk the security guard into thebullpen.

JAKEThank you! Thank you! Thats sonice.

The staff turns to see the men entering. They begin toapplaud.

JAKE (CONTD)No really, youre too kind.

GINAYour light bulb!

END ACT THREE


(CONTINUED)


37/38

TAG

INT. THE CAPTAINS OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY35 35

Captain Holt sits at his desk, typing on his computer.

Theres a knock at the door.

HOLTCome in.

Jake enters the office.

JAKEHey Captain.

HOLTDetective Peralta, what can I dofor you?

JAKEI just wanted to say that Im sorryfor being so edgy the last fewdays.

HOLTIts alright, it happens to thebest of us.

JAKEAnd I just wanted to say thank you.For your help on the case. And for,the pep talk, I guess.

HOLTDont mention it.

Beat.

HOLT (CONTD)Anything else?

JAKENo sir.

Jake exits.

Captain Holt goes back to work on his computer. Soon, hebegins to sing very softly...


(CONTINUED)


38/38

HOLTTHE SHARK AND THE BEAR/WATCH OUT CROOKS BEWARE/KICK BUTT COPS ARE THERE/

Jake bursts back into the captains office.

JAKEI knew it!

END OF EPISODE


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