1-17-14 BILL’S NOTES: This has been changed in bookThis has been changed in e-mail communications

This has not been changed in the blog

This over view contains:

BACK COVERINTRODUCTION (about p.6)CHAPTER ONE: OVERVIEW OF THE BOOK’S IDEAS (about p.9)

CAUSING HEALTHY LOVE: BOOK I

BLINDSIDEDA HEALTHY PERSON’S GUIDE TO TOXIC

PEOPLEHow to successfully relate to the argumentative, defensive, opinionated,

judgmental, ragers, controllers, domineering, energy vampires, bullies, blamers, complainers, manipulative, backstabbers, liars, tricksters, users, abusers, serial

conflict avoiders, and the seemingly wonderful

Alternative title:THE HEALTHY PERSON’S GUIDE TO TOXIC PEOPLE

How to win in a no-win situation

Written and copyrighted by BILL WHITE, M.A.Love and Relationship Specialist

520-319-9132

Copyright April 8, 2012Revised October 1, 2014

_____________________________________________________

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BACK COVER

What you don’t know will hurt you

Personal note from the author:

I have had a lifetime of dealing with difficult and impossible people, as have you. Up until age 55, I didn’t know how to distinguish between who is simply difficult to relate to (as all of us can be) and who is impossible to relate to—and thus not worth investing any of yourself or your life into. I finally stumbled upon the key to making that determination. This book will give you the ability to make that determination yourself.

There is one key trait that identifies someone who is impossible. By the time you read the introduction of the book, you will know what that trait is. This book can save you from the misery and confusion of having to turn yourself into either 1) a compliant pretzel, or 2) a frustrated rage monster while you’re desperately trying to relate to someone who is not going to do what it takes to have a good relationship. [Note: Compliant pretzel--trying to please them, as well as avoiding their anger and unhappiness with you. Rage monster--being driven crazy by trying to be heard, validated, and considered.]

Because these impossible people are often exceptionally difficult to identify, if you don’t know the one key indicator, what you don’t know will hurt you. And what you don’t know will hurt you over your entire life because you meet up with these people all the time.

These people are in all walks of life and often appear to be just like anybody else. They’re not anybody else. They are different, and they don’t play fair. I’m going to help you even the playing field.

This book is also for those who are impossible or exceptionally difficult and who want to change. Impossible people are emotionally wounded and fundamentally afraid and usually don’t know it or show it. There is one key step that will have this person transform from ‘impossible’ to lovable. That key step is made crystal clear early in the book.

Below is a response from a seasoned mental health therapist after reading just the overview:

“Your information is VERY validating. I have had several significant experiences with impossible people, and it has been so difficult to explain (to myself and others) what was going on, how it was so damaging, and why there was the need to escape these people.  Two of them were people in positions of power who were able to create tremendous abuse for those engaged with them.  It was just a breath of fresh air to read your descriptions and clarity about what is going on behind the facade of these people, and the need to get away from them.”

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTIONSection one: Introduction to understanding toxic peopleOverview, my personal story, and the problem with labels

CHAPTER 1OVERVIEW: BASIC MESSAGES OF BOOK****PLEASE READ THIS IMPORTANT CHAPTER BEFORE MOVING ON****

CHAPTER 2MY PERSONAL STORY: GROWING UP WITH EXREMELY DIFFICULT PEOPLE

CHAPTER 3HOW I CAME TO DISCOVER THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOMEONE WHO’S DIFFICULT AND SOMEONE WHO IS IMPOSSIBLE

CHAPTER 4PERSONALITY DISORDERS AND THE PROBLEM WITH LABELS

Section two: Identifying and understanding toxic people

CHAPTER 5IDENTIFYING AND UNDERSTANDING THE OBVIOUSLY TOXIC TRAITS OF DIFFICULT AND IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE

CHAPTER 6IDENTIFYING AND UNDERSTANDING THE NOT SO OBVIOUS TOXIC TRAITS OF DIFFICULT AND IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE

CHAPTER --IDENTIFYING THE TRUE CON ARTIST

CHAPTER 7AM I IMPOSSIBLE OR AM I JUST DIFFICULT?

CHAPTER 8UNDERSTANDING THE ROOT PAIN OF TOXIC PEOPLE

Section three: Being in relationship with toxic people

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CHAPTER 910 COMMON DISTRESSING EXPERIENCES WHEN YOU’RE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH A TOXIC PERSON

CHAPTER 10I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A TOXIC PERSON!! WHAT DO I DO NOW?!

CHAPTER –WHY DO PEOPLE STAY WITH THOSE WHO MISTREAT THEM?

CHAPTER 11HOW DO I AVOID STARTING A RELATIONSHIP WITH A TOXIC PERSON?

Section four: More compassion for the toxic person

CHAPTER 12HOW DOES A TOXIC PERSON BECOME A PERSON WITH A LOVABLE PERSONALITY?

CHAPTER 13 THE PROBLEMS RELATED TO THE FAILURE OF A TOXIC PERSON TO ‘LOVE MYSELF’ AND ‘BE MYSELF’

CHAPTER 14THE TWO-HEADED FEARS IN RELATIONSHIP: The problems that arise from the fear of being alone and the unseen fear of being close to others:

CHAPTER 15IS THERE EFFECTIVE TREATMENT FOR A TOXIC PERSON?

CHAPTER 16TIPS FOR FINDING QUALITY PROFESSIONAL HELP

Section five: Dealing with the toxic person in other areas of life

CHAPTER 17TOXIC PEOPLE I D.E.A.F.S AT WORK: Bosses and co-workers

CHAPTER 18SPECIAL INSIGHTS FOR COUNSELORS, CLERGY, AND OTHER PROFESSIONALS

CHAPTER 19THE NEW BREED OF TOXIC PEOPLE

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Those who have become educated about themselves, take on humble qualities, and then use them in toxic ways. They revert back sometime after finally getting real.

APPENDIX IA WORD OF CAUTION WHEN SHARING THIS INFORMATION WITH OTHERSBe careful to not go around labeling everyone before you’ve set requirements for relating to determine if the person is difficult or impossible—if they’re willing to work with you or not. Don’t prematurely label. Note the caution flags and start your watch for red flags.

APPENDIX IIReal-time examples of I D.E.A.F. interactions________________________________________________________________________

EARLY ENDORSEMENTS FOR THE BOOK

From J.R., mental health professional and hypnotherapist:

I have to say I love your book! I think you are saying exactly what needs to be said. You are providing a wealth of information not only to those folks in relationship with toxic people, but also for those who are toxic. I can't wait until you complete the project. Keep me updated on the

book! I am waiting to stand in line and buy my copy!

From M. H., ColoradoI am about 9 pages into the book, and this completely applies to my ex.  I will continue to read and hopefully gain some insight that will serve me and how to deal with him in a positive way as we co-parent our child.

From A.H., TucsonThe insights you shared are massively illuminating. The book overview has already made a profound impact on the way I view and identify problem people. Suddenly, I clearly understand past relationships that once vexed me. You described my dad, my ex, a problematic coworker, and many other characters in my history as if you had read their cases and listed their traits verbatim. Your view that these people are wounded is also helping me drop the resentment I’ve carried. 

The material also made me reflect upon myself and it honestly has made me question whether these impossible tendencies are a part of my own defense arsenal. Your words of inspiration to those who want to change offers great comfort to the impossible parts of me.

You have identified something profound!!! There is not a single person I can think of that would not benefit from this information. When you have finished this book I would love to distribute it as a public service announcement.  

___________

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INTRODUCTION

I am sounding an alarm. There is a hidden social malady that--without a doubt--you have been victimized by or are presently being victimized by. This book allows you to reclaim your power.

This book is also for the wounded person who wounds others, and who would like to change.

Below is a list of key questions that help you identify toxic people. A person only has to exhibit ONE of these traits to put you on alert, and to then make a deeper assessment of who you’re dealing with. (Yes, you will recognize yourself as a toxic person from time to time. Don’t freak out right away. It doesn’t mean you’re impossible to relate to.)

1. Is this person a bully, are they mean, and/or are they abusive? (If not towards you, towards others?)

2. Is this person particularly opinionated? (ie, do you have to be quiet about your differing opinion or else you get into a verbal battle—a battle where you never win or get heard?)

3. Does this person chronically complain, harshly judge others, and blame?4. Does this person dominate the conversation?5. Does this person have to have it their way? Are they controlling? Are they rigid?6. Does this person chronically avoid conflict and emotional upsets? Is it very difficult or

scary to bring up a sensitive or upsetting topic with them? Is it difficult to bring up a flaw of theirs that is causing you difficulty? If you have a problem with them, do they get defensive and make it all about you being a problem? Will this person bring up a problem they’re having with you, but you can’t bring up one you’re having with them.

7. Is this person rude to others? 8. Does this person get upset very easily, even rage? Does this person get upset in many

areas of their life? 9. Does this person ever admit specific faults or genuinely apologize? (vs general apologies

or admitting having general faults {“Hey, I’m not perfect”}, or give empty apologies for everything)?

10. Is this person manipulative? Does truth and reality get twisted?11. Does this person have a sense of entitlement, specialness? Fish for ways to make

themselves look good? Find ways to put you down, take credit for your successes? Is this person completely deflated when they make a mistake or when a flaw of theirs comes to light?

12. Is this person charming, giving, and doting—only to turn into a monster of some sort once they have you in their web?

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If you see these traits, it doesn’t indicate that the person is impossible. I help you distinguish between who is difficult (most of us), and those who are impossible.

Some of these impossible people you will recognize by their arrogant, selfish, and abusive styles. Mostly, you WILL NOT recognize them. In social circles, they are typically well-liked, sociable, friendly, engaging, confident, and productive. They often do not appear wounded, nor do they seem to be someone who would blatantly wound another. In closer circles, they may also seem fine—as long as things go their way. Sooner or later, you will find them underhanded, manipulative, controlling, critical, overly-sensitive, rigid, and even mean and abusive.

Unless you’re extremely perceptive, you will usually not recognize the ONE trait that gives them away. When you learn what this key trait is, you will have the power to avoid years of intense and severe misery.

The one trait that gives them away is that they never, EVER, admit fault. Thus, I refer to them as I D.E.A.F.s (I Don’t Ever Admit Fault).

Once I came to understand the mystery of how to identify and deal with impossible people who were hurting me, I have averted countless difficult, painful, enraging, and confusing situations. These situations, in the past, would have been awful and would have gone on for who knows how long—even years. Now with some of these situations, I’ve averted them before any significant damage was done. These people included friends, family, acquaintances, people in positions of power, and clients.

Discovering these mysteries has been a godsend to me. I’m happy to share what I’ve learned. In some ways, I feel I was born to get this information out to others.

Causing Healthy Love

This is the first of a series of books entitled, Causing Healthy Love. Before we can talk about the key ingredients and wisdom needed for causing a healthy love—whether it’s family, friends, or love partners--you must first be informed about a category of people who will make your life a living hell. With these people you will be convinced by them that you are the problem. You do not want to start a relationship with them. If you already have, you need to know who they are and how to take care of yourself.

These people are wolves in sheep’s clothing. You will not see them coming. They will be just like anyone else. You will not suspect them. You wouldn’t expect a wolf to saunter into a chicken coop and say, “Hey! I’m a wolf and I’m here to eat you”. These people are extremely adept at hiding their true traits. Although most of them are not out to intentionally use and abuse you (some are), using and abusing you is what they will end up doing.

They are very smart and savvy. You have to be educated about these people to ‘even the playing field’. Again, I encountered these people frequently over my entire life in friends, family, love, work, bosses, and enlightened leaders. You will find them everywhere, in every walk of life.

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The problem with labels

Dealing with these difficult people is often just impossible. The initial title of this book was, How to Deal With People with Impossible Personalities. I love the title, but don’t want people to be labeled as ‘impossible personalities’. They’re not impossible now-and-forever. They’re one step away from freedom. ‘Freedom’ is becoming humble and admitting the pain they’re in, admitting the pain they’ve been causing others, making actual changes in their behavior, and getting assistance to heal their pain.

I’ve read the works of a number of authors who have written about the type of person I’m describing in the book. Their focus is on enlightening those who are being victimized by these impossible people. These authors don’t provide compassion for those who are doing the victimizing--nor do they provide much in the way of a path out for the one victimizing. In fact, usually these authors write from an angry place because they’ve been traumatized by these people and/or they’ve seen loved ones traumatized and duped by these people. One such book—which is a very good book—is entitled, That Bitch: Protect yourself from women with malicious intent. I understand the desire to call out these types of people with labels, however, identifying someone as an enemy does not serve in the long run.

Labeling someone isn’t a good way to own your personal power, nor is it a good way to provide a possibility for a difficult person to change.

This book is different in that it draws a circle that brings everyone in and doesn’t exclude anyone. We’re all in this world together. We all have our difficult personality styles. I believe we serve ourselves if we find a way to love tho ‘lepers’ of our society—to see that in actuality they are only a more severe version of our own lost and wounded selves. And note! The very steps those impossible people must take in order to heal themselves are the same steps we all have to take to heal our inner challenges. Soooooo, we are not so different from these people. We are very much alike.

You might ask, “What about the labels you’ve put on the front cover of the book?’ My answer, you won’t see much in the book in the way of labels similar to those I’ve used on the front cover. I added the labels on the cover because you readily recognize who I’m talking about when I use those labels. Now I’m going to show you another way to think about difficult and impossible people by using softer labels.

These victimizers were once victimized themselves—almost always in childhood. Wounded people wound people. Chapter ___ Understanding the Root Pain of an I D.E.A.F (I Don’t Ever Admit Fault) explains how the terror and heartbreak in childhood (generated from being abused, abandoned, and/or neglected-when-in-great-need) had these children build a protective armor that is designed so they will never be vulnerable to being hurt that way again. Their armor—their automatic and unconscious ways of keeping you small and powerless while keeping themselves powerful and protected from hurt--has a byproduct of crushing others. There is no other way it could be different while they have the armor on.

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Bringing this introduction to a close, I’m attempting to sound a social alarm, a warning, so you recognize toxic people, so you can stop subjecting yourself to their tricks and abuse, so you can stop thinking that these people are like any reasonable person who is working at getting along. NO! They are not working to get along! They are unconsciously and automatically out to control you and use you. When you don’t go along, they will bring you down. In fact, they will bring you down whether you go along or not. When you go along--trying to adjust to their insanity--although it may not be as obvious that you are being brought down, you will be. It will just be in a different and less obvious way. (When you’re compliant as you avoid their domination and negativity, you have squashed yourself. It’s a big price to pay for keeping the peace.)

These people are masters at hiding their true feelings and intentions. They are tricksters.As I have said, I was in my mid-fifties before I saw the light about these people. There was one very difficult person who was the catalyst for me to discover the difference between someone who is difficult and someone who is impossible. I worked closely with this person for a year and a half on projects before I recognized that he was the cause of most of the upset and drama with those in his circle. He was able to hide his part in the dysfunction amazingly well. Although I’m perceptive about human behavior, I just didn’t see him as the problem. I even fiercely stood up for him because I thought others were the ones not being fair or kind with him. That is how slippery and hidden these people are.

You must become educated, or what you don’t know will hurt you.

Chapter one

OVERVIEW AND BASIC MESSAGES IN THIS BOOK

I am putting this overview at the beginning. This way, you get the whole story in a short version. The time it takes for you to get around to reading the entire book might be too late to avert some major suffering. Plus, this overview can serve as a cliff note reminder once you’ve read the book.

I have been a person with a difficult personality all of my life. I believe both of my parents were I D.E.A.F.s. Maybe in some periods in my life, I have also been a borderline I D.E.A.F. However, I have usually been willing to look at myself, to look at the part I’m playing—even if my first response is to be defensive or blaming.

In fact, it has taken 40 years of inner work to figure myself out--to discover my own self-deception. I am still discovering self-deception. These 40 years of work have made me quite good at identifying difficult and impossible personality traits and helping people heal. I have

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been in and out of that dark forest a multitude of times. I’m getting to know my way around there quite well. Writing the book has helped clarify some of the dysfunction within myself, as well as being able to identify the dysfunction in others.

You are being attacked and controlled and often don’t even know it

Wounded people who wound others are everywhere. They are often ‘invisible’ and difficult to recognize. This person may be a co-worker, your boss, your minister, a friend, a member of your family, or your love partner. And you often don’t have a clue. You think you’re the problem! You may be thinking that you are crazy.

Some wounded people who wound others are obvious, but many of them have a polished, flawless image. They seem like great people. However, you--and everyone else around them--are often upset, but nobody knows the real reason why they’re upset. Here is a list of questions to give you pause to consider if you are relating to a wounded person who wounds others.

Are you constantly adjusting yourself in order to get along with someone who is controlling, domineering, manipulative, quick to anger, and/or abusive?

Are you always giving the difficult person the benefit of the doubt? Are you wondering if you are the problem because you just aren’t able to bend yourself

into enough of a pretzel to make this person happy? Has this person gone from a great person to some kind of monster?

Pssst, it’s not you. It’s them.

I’m all about you taking ownership for the part you play in your difficulties with people. But there are times when it becomes one-sided and dysfunctional if you are ignoring the part the other person is playing.

The wounded person who wounds others will not consider your needs, will not adjust for you, is not trying to get along, and may never change. (If they’re being considerate of you, they are simply grooming you to play by their rules.) Their ship sails in dangerous and rough seas. Get out of the relationship before you get destroyed. Or, if you’re willing, and you’re educated about this, help them wake up. (Of course, they must want to wake up. Otherwise, you become irate and crazy trying to navigate their trickery as they convince you they want to change, but they don’t do what it takes.)

Wounded people who wound others do not change unless their world falls apart. And even then, they may never change.

Wounded people who wound others are not bad people. They are severely wounded—usually from childhood. They are adapting to childhood trauma. Their personality styles are simply instinctual survival reactions designed to avoid more pain. Because of their emotional pain and terror, they are unable to stop their controlling, domineering, manipulative, and/or abusive styles.

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You are at a disadvantage with this person and will never win. Never. In their mind, they are never the problem and you are always the problem.

It’s time to call a spade a spade and leave them to the painful consequences of their behavior._____________________

It’s worth repeating many times, on the exterior, wounded people who wound others usually appear to be wonderful people—and they will have wonderful traits. At other times, these people are obvious to recognize by their arrogant, domineering, bullying, and abusive styles. Whether they’re obviously abusive or not, they make you think you’re defective and crazy, and they cause immense suffering for the people in their lives.

I want you to be able to recognize them so you can disengage from them. Or be their wake-up call.

Possibly, if you implement tough love strategies, you will inspire them to seek help. But make no mistake about this; most of these people will likely never change. If you continue relationships with these people, they will crush your life. They’re playing hardball and calling it softball.

Part of their protective stance is to be flawless, without fault. Their need to be flawless is so powerful that they can’t see their own flaws. If by chance they do see their flaws, they will never admit them.

‘Wounded people who wound others’ can be very difficult to identify. I know I’ve said that, but I’m telling you, a wounded person who wounds others could be anyone in your life. You have undoubtedly been in some form of relationship with them and didn’t know they were the source of your distress. Their camouflages, their subtleties, their sharp-looking storefront appearances, these don’t reveal the maneuvers going on behind the scenes. They are magicians of deception. And they train you to adjust to their needs to avoid the arguments and battles that are never-ending.

The different types of people who are likely to be wounded people who wound others include:

OBVIOUS TOXIC TRAITS

Aggressive/domineering/angry/resentful/harsh Blamers and chronic complainers Detailed/perfectionist/controlling, critical, demanding, impatient, irritable Arrogant, always right, no room for your viewpoints Overbearing, judgmental, pushy, insensitive to others, Self-centered. It’s all about them. A need to be special/center of attention. Overly

sensitive to not being special or to someone pointing out any flaws. Talks you to death Lies and manipulates in devious, dark ways Talks badly of you behind your back. Is very convincing to others

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LESS THAN OBVIOUS TOXIC TRAITS (seemingly benign traits)

Dependent/needy; manipulates vs being up front and asking for what they want Confident/capable (in good ways) Charming, giving, wonderful Healer/minister/religious leader/enlightened person/growth-oriented Unexpressed, no emotion, silent Those who portray themselves as victims; complainers with no intent to change

anything. Suppressed/depressed Fearful/anxious/worried. Suspicious/distrusting Those who present as if they are never angry; ‘Nothin’ bothers me’. Very nice/kind; friendly and pleasant, sociable

Any combination of the above traits might be observed at one time or another in the same person.

All of the people in the categories above, if they are people who don’t ever admit fault, are very DEFENSIVE, RIGID, and JUDGMENTAL. And they are in denial about that. Many have a difficult time expressing appreciation, gratitude, and encouragement towards others—unless it is part of their manipulation to get on your good side and to be seen as a wonderful person.

Often wounded people who wound others present wonderful personalities to the outside world. They can switch to a more controlling and mean-spirited personality when 1) they’re in private, 2) their childhood pain has been triggered, or 3) when you don’t bend like a pretzel.

ONE CENTRAL TRAIT DISTINGUISHES THE PERSON WHO IS IMPOSSIBLE

FROM THE PERSON WHO IS MERELY DIFFICULT

After decades of not knowing how to distinguish who is worth investing in and who is not, who is going to be destructive to me emotionally and otherwise, and who is not, I finally identified ONE key trait that distinguishes the person who is impossible from the common everyday person with a difficult personality. Since discovering this one key trait in early 2012, this nugget of knowledge has proven to be of immense benefit to me and to others who are dealing with those who are extremely distressful to relate to.

The ONE key trait that distinguishes a person who is impossible to relate to from the common everyday person who is difficult to relate to is that the person who is impossible to deal with will NEVER, EVER admit fault for the problems and challenges that are coming up in your relating. (There are some exceptions when admitting fault is part of their trickery.)

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If you are witnessing someone who isn’t admitting any fault or responsibility, there is nowhere to go with them until they do. If they will not, the best place for you to go is away.

I D.E.A.F.

From here on out, I will be referring to the person who never admits fault as an I D.E.A.F. (I Don’t Ever Admit Fault). Although I D.E.A.F.s create immense suffering for others, I have diligently worked at not creating a label that is judgmental. Most books that help you identify these destructive people make these people out to be villains. Making someone the bad guy has negative consequences for everyone. For one, the bad guy has to defend himself or deny his/her bad self which, in turn, does not encourage the person to admit flaws or learn from mistakes.

Not one baby was born a bad baby. All of us were born innocent, loving, and openhearted. We need to understand that it’s the emotional wounds that created the ‘bad guys’. We want to have compassion for their plight—while making sure to limit the damage they do to us.

Never admitting fault

I D.E.A.F.s never accept responsibility. They never admit the part they play in a challenge. Genuine apologies are as rare as a meteorite landing in your back yard. Any apologies are likely ploys to have you back off and stop pointing the finger at them. They may actually say, “I’m sorry” or “I apologize”, but the apology is usually:

1) Not specific,2) Deals with only the surface issue, 3) Is peppered with defensive explanations and justifications for what they did. (“I’m sorry,

but you were rude and I am tired from work.)4) And the person has no intent to make the changes they might tell you they intend to

make.

The I D.E.A.F. becomes very angry and/or defensive when someone points out their part in a problem. Typically, you cannot even broach a sensitive topic with this person. They simply cannot be wrong and will not deal with any interaction that might bring out a flaw in their personality.

Understanding this one central trait makes it possible to recognize the person who is impossible to deal with. It also helps you NOT give up on someone who is merely difficult. Rather than becoming confused about whether someone is worth your effort or not, you simply look to see if the person is willing to admit faults. If so, growth and healing can occur. If not, this is a lost cause until the person changes. If they ever change. If the person you’re dealing with will genuinely admit fault—no matter how difficult it is to get them there—they are not likely an I D.E.A.F. They are a difficult person, but not incorrigible.

But be aware that very difficult people easily slip into I D.E.A.F. personalities. If so, then relate to them like an I D.E.A.F. until they come back to being more humble.

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[Addendum: I am now finding that those who have been cornered into getting real about their stuff—and do finally humbly admit fault—can revert back to being an I D.E.A.F. So, unfortunately, if they do change, it doesn’t mean they will not change back. I D.E.A.F.s are constantly evolving their strategies. Now that there are methods from this book to get them out in the open and on track, they are getting smarter. They sometimes use their past transformation to become more adept at being someone who doesn’t admit fault. The last chapter of the book will address this new phenomenon.]

The trait of never admitting fault in a conflict or problem is only one of a cluster of traits of an I D.E.A.F. You might not recognize the trait of ‘not admitting fault’ for quite some time. What you will recognize are the traits listed in the bullets above. When you see the traits from the bullets above, it is a clue that this person might be an I D.E.A.F. From there, you watch to see if the person will admit fault.

Again, simply recognizing some challenging traits doesn’t inform you if you’re dealing with someone who is impossible to deal with, or if you’re dealing with someone who is just difficult. You often have to be assertive about 1) getting your needs met and 2) being respected before I D.E.A.F. shows their reluctance and resistance to admit fault. Nonetheless, your number one job if you suspect you’re dealing with an I D.E.A.F. is to discover if they will admit fault.

Later in the book, I provide more detailed guidelines about how to recognize if a person is willing to admit fault or not. And remember, all of us have difficult personality traits. You surely recognized yourself in many of the traits listed in the bullets above. Recognizing yourself in the traits does not mean you are an I D.E.A.F. [More about this later in the book.]

SECOND KEY INDICATOR: Blaming

Of course, what comes along with a person who does not accept responsibility for the pain and distress they cause is that the person always blames. They blame you, others, the government, the boss, the weather, whatever—but especially you. No problem is of their making. If there is a problem, it is simply and absolutely someone else’s fault. They chronically point out to you where you are a problem. And they rather convincingly tell others how you are the problem.

I came up with another acronym for the person that blames: I C.O.B. (I Can Only Blame). More on how blaming manifests in Chapter___.

(NOTE: A person can be a blamer, but not be an I D.E.A.F. Remember, ‘A person who won’t ever humbly admit fault’ is what identifies a person as an I D.E.A.F.)

*****With an I D.E.A.F., you will likely never, ever win in a disagreement. That is, in a disagreement, you never feel heard, understood, validated, or honored. You are diminished by the interaction. You often feel enraged, confused, abused, and defeated. You will be the bad guy in their eyes. Every time. And you cannot say or do anything that will have them admit their part in a problem. Relating to an I D.E.A.F. is impossible. The good news is that with the knowledge from this

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book, you can navigate the challenge from a place of personal power. You just have to understand what you’re dealing with.

Being with an I D.E.A.F. brings new meaning to the ‘not-your-regular Hallmark card’: We have been friends for a very long time… (Open the card) let's say we stop.

*****

If you’re in a relationship with an I D.E.A.F., the bottom line messages I have for you are these:

1. Stop putting up with abuse and mistreatment.2. Get assistance with the relationship or with ending the relationship.3. As you’re attempting to figure out how to make these changes, in some situations

you may NOT want to consult with the I D.E.A.F. about your plans. The I D.E.A.F. will magically have you question the plan of action you have devised. They are so adept at this that you will lose track of you and fall in line with their trickery and domination. If your plan includes presenting the plan to them, wait until you have a clear plan before you present it to them.

4. If you do leave or back way off of the relationship, don’t try to get the last word in. Don’t even attempt to get your point across by explaining yourself. Let them feel they have won. They will always ‘win’. If you attempt to win, they will somehow make sure you lose. Your ‘win’ is getting out without getting emotionally or physically beaten up in the process. Consider it the price you pay for learning the lesson to keep your eye out for I D.E.A.F.s.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to get out and make it look like it was their idea and that you are the bad guy. You don’t want to try to make them responsible for anything, unless you want them to go to any length to prove that they are not the bad guy. Because they will go to any length. They will never be wrong or at fault. If you try to make them see reality, you will be beat up in one way or another. Make it easy for them to go on their way. Remember, they will not be responsible. Not ever.

My brother had pissed someone off that was probably an I D.E.A.F. This person called me informing me that my brother should not get away with what he had done. The person seemed capable and willing to go to extremes. I made it look like my brother was the bad guy and told him, “You know, we all have the same problem with my brother. He is a pain in the ass. He’s not going to change. I’d just cut him out of your life and move on.” Because I agreed with him that he was not at fault, he chose to move on. If I had tried to reason with him, or defend my brother, it would have galvanized his beliefs and fueled his desire to prove his point by causing my brother some trouble.

[put this piece in a box]

Ask yourself these questions before you decide the person you’re suspecting is truly an IDEAF and not worth your time

Is this person willing to see a skilled 3rd party with you?

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When they go to a skilled third party, are they truly working, or are they fighting the process and the skilled party at every turn?

Does the skilled third party know and understand IDEAFs? (Most probably don’t)

If this person is unwilling to engage in the process of getting skilled assistance, you have my permission to walk away. It is hard enough to sort things out with the assistance of a skilled person, even if the person is only difficult. It will be impossible to sort things out without the assistance of a skilled person.

Are you an I D.E.A.F.?

If you think you may be an I D.E.A.F., there’s at least some chance that you’re not. To wonder if you have a personality challenge is an indication that you are willing to look to see if you have flaws.

If you are truly an I D.E.A.F., you are not doomed to be forever impossible to relate to. However, you most likely will have to ‘hit bottom’ before you will be willing to make necessary changes that will bring you healing. Hopefully this book will help you get off bottom quicker.

What I love about the label I D.E.A.F. is that the problem AND the solution are in the title. The problem is that you don’t admit fault. The solution is to admit fault. Chapter __ covers the guidelines that you as an I D.E.A.F. will need to follow in order to turn things around, but in short, the following is required for you to heal and change:

Become humble Recognize and admit the misery you are in Recognize and admit the pain you’re causing others Recognize that any attempt to impose your will upon another is a form of violence and

must stop Sincerely apologize and make amends Commit to being kind and respectful at all times, and get help in doing that. Don’t attempt to save face. You have been a jerk. There’s no saving face. Admitting

what a jerk you’ve been might actually be one way to save face. Get assistance with your relationships and for healing your childhood pain. Invite and listen to others’ experience of what it’s like being with you. Be interested in

what they notice you doing/saying/being that is problematic for them, and be interested in the distress they experience because of your styles of relating. Make actual changes in your behavior—not just mouth your good intentions.

Ironically, you become loveable and endearing when you are humble.

In your mind, it seems that admitting your flaws will give others permission to hate you and abuse you, but in most cases that is not so. People will be compassionate with you. If someone isn’t compassionate when you’re being humble, they are not people who are going to be

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supporting your growth and healing. Move on. Or find out if they’re willing to deal with their stuff and not put it on you.

As an I D.E.A.F., you are actually just one step away from being free of the trap you are in. Be humble and admit fault. The whole world will rush to you with love.

The same healing steps are necessary for those with difficult personalities (i.e., all of us).

An I D.E.A.F. has wonderful traits, too

It can be difficult to make the choice to back off or end a relationship with an I D.E.A.F. because they have many redeeming and wonderful qualities. Listen up!!! EVERYONE HAS WONDERFUL QUALITIES. If you are staying in a relationship with this person because they have great qualities and/or a lot of potential, you are misguided.

If I serve you a nice dinner of baked chicken, vegetables, fresh bread…and I put some cat poop next to your plate, you won’t enjoy the meal. If you stay in relationship with an I D.E.A.F., you will have to tolerate ‘cat poop with your meals’.

******

To the helping professional: This book was written for regular people and for those in the helping professions. I believe the contents will shed much-needed light on this poorly understood phenomenon of IDEAFs. The book addresses those people who the mental health profession refers to as people with personality disorders. However, I don’t label and don’t refer to the labels (such as borderline or narcissist). These labels and descriptions have done little for me to understand what I’m up against and to understand who these people are. I graduated top in my class with a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. I have a Master’s Degree in Mental Health Counseling. None of my education or my subsequent study prepared me for dealing with an I D.E.A.F.

An I D.E.A.F. is very intelligent and complicated. If you ever saw the movie, “Jurassic Park”, you’ll remember those smaller smart dinosaurs. As soon as the humans found a way to protect themselves from attack, the dinosaurs immediately counteracted with a new and ingenious strategy to leave the humans vulnerable and helpless. These dinosaurs create a good image of what you are up against with an I D.E.A.F. An I D.E.A.F. is quick, smart, and deadly. If they were truly aware of what they were doing, you could say they have this down to a science. I think it’s not conscious. I think it is fight/flight brain behavior based in childhood wounding.

This book gives you knowledge and personal power. You need knowledge about what you’re up against so that these masters of deception don’t pull the wool over your eyes. This book may be the difference between you experiencing 25 years of misery or just a few weeks of misery.

I will leave you with this message:

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A person who won’t admit fault HAS to blame you, HAS to make you the bad guy, HAS to be defensive when you point out a fault, HAS to use intellectual trickery or lie when they’re found out, HAS to use illogical logic, HAS to distract you from what’s really true, HAS to attack you when you stand firm on the truth.

If you are in any form of relationship with an I DEAF, you will have to bend yourself like a pretzel to get along. To keep peace, you HAVE to be submissive (versus be assertive), you HAVE to adjust to what they want, you HAVE to avoid proving them wrong, you HAVE to lose in every disagreement, you HAVE to think you are faulty or crazy, and you HAVE to end up being angry, resentful, disconnected, weak, and depressed.

An I DEAF has to do their shenanigans, but you don’t have to play their game. You can draw the line and have them toe the line. Or, if they won’t work with you, you can end that relationship…..

…Or not. And then you DO have to be submissive, angry, resentful, disconnected, weak, and depressed.

Bill White, M.A., (Master’s Degree in Mental Health Counseling) is a love relationship specialist in Tucson, AZ. He is on a mission to save people from unhealthy relationships and to put an end to the stigma of getting help for personal issues.

Couples and families can VIRTUALLY ELIMINATE ARGUMENTS AND FIGHTING. You don’t have to fight, and you don’t have to avoid issues. You can use ‘scratchy interactions’ to grow and to deepen your relationship, generating more experiences of love, play, and friendship.

You can learn this new model of dissolving anger and conflict rather quickly with Bill’s guidance. You can turn your relationship around even quicker. Or, if your relationship is not worth putting any more time into, you can clearly recognize why that is the case.

A life-changing spiritual awakening in 1982, plus 40 years of healing the traumas of Bill’s childhood have been his training ground for being able to effectively help others with the hidden influences from their past. Bill is sensitive, intuitive, and wise.

Bill doesn’t want another child to grow up in fear, confusion, and loneliness. If you heal, you will provide a healthy environment for your children. You can also bring happiness, authenticity, and love into your all your close social networks.

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Bill’s work is effective for individuals, as well as for family, friend, or love relationships. All sexual orientations are considered equal. For singles, Bill provides guidance in the ‘meeting and dating’ process, helps you assess if the person you’re with is right for you, and assists you in designing relationships that last a lifetime.

From a couple in Tucson:  “This is by far the best professional help I’ve ever had. I had no idea my husband and I could actually get to a place of resolution in the first session. Who knew that this thing could be improved so quickly and painlessly?” And another: “You have an obvious gift of insight and intuition that is delightful.” Bill also works with people all over the world via Skype. A free consultation is offered to see if Bill’s methods are a fit for you. Contact: 520-319-9132 or E-mail bill@thehealthycouple.com. Web: www.thehealthycouple.com

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