CARLTONHeights

Episode 01 -“I Know There’s SomethingGoing On” a/k/a “Pilot”

byBradley Jacobson

bradleyjacobson@yahoo.com

TEASER

INT.- CARLTON MANOR FOYER - NIGHT

A rainstorm is battering the mansion, as thunder crashes andlightning flashes through the many windows.

In an upstairs bedroom YOUNG RUTH and YOUNG EDGAR arearguing, the sound is muffled as A YOUNG MAN wearing araincoat and hat comes through the front door and into thefoyer. The man hears the muffled argument and makes his wayup the grand staircase.

INT.- CARLTON MANOR SECOND FLOOR BEDROOM - NIGHT

YOUNG RUTH and YOUNG EDGAR are fighting while a baby cries ina bassinet.

YOUNG RUTHYou can't do this to me, Edgar.

YOUNG EDGARI am doing this and there isn't anythingyou can do about it.

YOUNG EDGAR walks to the baby

YOUNG EDGAR (CONT'D)I am her father, she belongs with me.

YOUNG RUTHI'm her…

YOUNG EDGARDon't even insult the word "mother" byincluding yourself in the category. Youaren’t worthy of the title.

YOUNG RUTHThink about what everyone will say. Whatthey're going to think.

YOUNG EDGARThis is for the best Ruth. You'vechanged..

YOUNG RUTHOf course I've changed. You made mechange! You're doing this because of HIMaren't you!

The young man enters the room.

(CONTINUED)

YOUNG RUTH (CONT'D)Get out of here! Get out of my house!

YOUNG EDGAR(TO THE YOUNG MAN)

Here's our bags, take them to the car.

YOUNG RUTHI'm begging you, I'll do whatever youwant. I will tell, I will tell everybody.

YOUNG EDGARYou will do nothing of the kind. I knowyou and I know what you really careabout. You would be ruined if anythingwere to come out.

YOUNG RUTHYou son of a bitch, after all I've donefor you.

YOUNG EDGARYou haven't done anything for me. It wasall for you. Goodbye Ruth.

Young Edgar walks down the staircase where the Young Man iswaiting by the door. Young Ruth is still at the top of thestairs.

YOUNG EDGAR (CONT'D)Don't worry, you can have the house andyou will be taken care of. Isn't thatwhat you really want anyway?

YOUNG RUTHI will kill you, I will kill you both!

Young Edgar walks out the door as Young Ruth runs down thestairs. Her nightgown gets caught on the railings and shetumbles down the flight screaming.

INT. CARLTON MANOR - RUTH CARLTON'S BEDROOM - DAY

50 years later

RUTH, now an old woman is sitting in a wheelchair looking outher window. Down below a moving van is unpacking in AvenueSea, the cul-de-sac.

2.CONTINUED:

EXT. AVENUE SEA - MORNING

LARRY and ZIMMY BUSTAMANTE come out of their house carrying agiant rolled up paper sign and a picnic basket while pushingtheir TWIN BABIES in a stroller. Across the cul-de-sac AIDANPALMER is washing his car. He is bare chested and wearingtight skimpy shorts. ZIMMY takes a moment to stare across thecul-de-sac while LARRY tries to unroll the sign.

LARRYZimmy please help me with this, I wanteverything to be perfect when the Irvingsarrive. I want their first impression ofthe neighborhood to be our smiling facesand this sign.

ZIMMYShouldn't we at least let them unpack?

LARRYAnd let Marty Mitchell get to them first!One is already working for RonaldMitchell. We are going to make thesepeople our best friends if it kills me.

Zimmy helps Larry hold up the sign which reads in hugeletters:"WELCOME TO AVENUE SEA"

LARRY (CONT'D)I can't believe Aidan is just washing hiscar. He is supposed to help me.

ZIMMYI'll go get him, it looks like he coulduse MY help.

A car drives into the cul-de-sac, inside is DYLAN and SCOTTIRVING.

LARRYOh my goodness, it's them. They're here.Quick, go get Aidan… Quick! Oh my, oh my!

DYLAN(INSIDE THE CAR)

Our new home, a cul-de-sac and an oceanview. I love it! I can't believe you didall of this on your own. How did I get solucky?

SCOTTYou married a very smart man. So you'renot disappointed.

3.

(CONTINUED)

DYLANNot at all. This is great! I wonder ifthe people are friendly.

SCOTTI've met Ronald Mitchell and he seemspretty friendly.

As the car approaches the IRVING house, Aidan, wet andpractically naked arrives with Zimmy. Dylan and Scott bothsee the three men fighting to hold up the sign. The Irvingspull into their driveway on the left side of the Bustamantehome. Before the car is at a complete spot, Larry is pushinghis way closer and opening the car door for Dylan.

LARRYHi ya neighbor, welcome to CarltonHeights and Avenue Sea. I'm LarryBustamante of the next-door Bustamantes.We're your typical family, two kids,family dog named Tiger. These are mybabies Donald and Kelly, this is Zimmy,my husband and this is Aidan Palmer fromright across the street. Now don't tellme, you are Dylan Irving, famous writerand you are loving husband Scott Irving,newest transfer to M&A Bank.

Larry hands the picnic basket to Dylan without taking abreath:

LARRY (CONT’D)

I made you a special welcome to theneighborhood picnic basket. Something togive you a little pep while unpacking.There's some homemade fruit bars, somemuffins, a little homemade cocoa, and ofcourse some handcrafted potpourri to giveyour new house that fresh scent. We justwant your move be as comfortable aspossible.

SCOTTI think you can safely say the nativesare friendly.

As the camera pulls back, we see Zimmy has his hands firmlyplanted on Aidan's butt while Dylan smiles shyly and Larrybeams ear to ear.

END OF TEASER.

4.CONTINUED:

ACT ONE

EXT. AVENUE SEA - MORNING

Dylan, Scott, Larry, Zimmy and Aidan are talking in theIrving's driveway.

DYLANSo you live next door?

LARRYThat's right and next door to us are theMitchell's, your new boss and his lovelyhusband Marty and then...

AIDANMy house. You’ll excuse my appearance.

SCOTTThat’s fine. It is pretty hot out here.

LARRYI hear you're from the Midwest somewhere.Walamazoo, or ...

DYLANI was born in Wausau, Wisconsin but we'reactually moving from Los Angeles.

LARRYOh Los Angeleees, how fancy. I hope wearen't going to bore you with our littletown ways!

DYLANI doubt that. It's just so nice to behere and it’s so nice to meet all of you.

ZIMMYIt's a real pleasure. I'm sure we'll beseeing more of each other.

Zimmy holds onto Dylan's hand longer than normal and Dylanfinally pulls it away.

DYLANWe were expecting the Mitchell's to meetus.

5.

(CONTINUED)

LARRYRonald is running late and Marty, thepoor dear had to work at the coffee shop.I filled in at the last moment I hope youdon't mind.

DYLANNot at all. We have a picnic basket.

ZIMMYAidan wasn't there something you wantedme to take care of at your house? Someproblem with drains or pipes?

LARRYAidan moved in just a few months ago aswell. We’ve been looking after him. Poordear has no skills whatsoever when itcomes to home maintenance and I’m just sobusy with the twins poor Zimmy is alwaysrunning over to help him. There alwaysseems to be something wrong at this boy'shouse. If it's not the plumbing, it's thegutters that need to be cleaned out.

DYLANI’ll bet. So who lives up there?

AIDANThe Wicked Witch of the West.

LARRYAidan.

AIDANActually my grandmother.

ZIMMYSo about that pipe.

AIDANI think it can wait.

LARRYIt's so exciting to meet a publishedwriter. We have a singer in town too. Wecould become the new Bohemia. Nowwouldn't that be exciting? Haley, that'sour resident songstress, sings at Marty'scoffee shop.

6.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

AIDANLarry, are you thinking what I’mthinking?

LARRYOh my goodness, yes. A pot luck dinner!

DYLANA what?

LARRYYes, a special "Welcome to theNeighborhood" dinner in your honor.

SCOTTWe couldn't.

DYLANReally, we couldn't.

LARRYA big neighborhood fiesta. You and Scott,and me and Zimmy and Ron, and Marty willlove the idea, and of course you'll bethere right Aidan?

AIDANI wouldn't miss it for the world.

LARRYReally, I insist. It will give us all achance to get to know each other.

DYLANHow can we possibly refuse?

LARRYGreat, we'll see you around 7. Oh now Ihave so much to do, I will leave you withyour basket of goodies and see youtonight. Zimmy, it's bonding time withthe babies.

ZIMMY(LEANING INTO AIDAN:)That pipe won’t clean itself you know.

Zimmy gives Aidan's butt one last squeeze.

ZIMMY (CONT’D)Coming darling. I’ll see you all tonight.

7.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

DYLANWe better start unpacking the car, don'tyou think honey?

SCOTTWell it was nice to meet you.

AIDANYou too, I'll see you tonight.

DYLANYes, we'll BOTH be there tonight.

Dylan begins unloading the trunk as Scott watches Aidan walkaway.

DYLAN (CONT'D)(HEAD STILL IN TRUNK)

You better not be watching him walk away.

Scott turns around and heads to help Dylan with the bags.

DYLAN (CONT'D)I can't believe you. Could you look athim just a little longer?

SCOTTI could but I think you would get mad.

Dylan throws a bag into Scott's chest.

SCOTT (CONT'D)Come on I'm just kidding, you know it'syou I love.

Scott puts the bag down and goes after Dylan. Scott catchesDylan and picks him up.

DYLANCut it out, we have things to do.

SCOTTThat's right, we do. We're going to dothis right.

DYLANDo what right?

SCOTTI'm carrying you over the threshold.

8.CONTINUED: (3)

INT. MARTY'S MAYHEM - COFFEE HOUSE - DAY

Inside the vacant coffee house HALEY OSBOURNE is performingon a make shift stage, she is alone with an acoustic guitarsinging a strange Irish folk song. MARTY MITCHELL comes outfrom the back room as HALEY finishes up her song. MARTY isbehind the counter pouring coffee for himself.

HALEY(SPEAKS IN A BAD FAKE BRITISHACCENT)

So what do you think?

MARTYHonestly?

HALEYOf course.

MARTYI think it's time you headed up the hillto your other career.

HALEYMrs. Carlton can wait for her tea; I wantto know what you thought of the song. Ibased it on an old Irish hymn I heardwhen I was a child in England.

MARTYHaley, you were never a …

HALEYWhat?

MARTYNothing, I loved it. It was very(searching for words) hymnal??

HALEYThank you, I thought the exact samething. Why are you even here? I thoughtyou had new neighbors moving in today?

MARTYWe do, but I am not in the mood to begracious and forthcoming to a couple ofstrangers.

HALEYI thought you wanted new friends?

9.

(CONTINUED)

MARTYWhat I want is a new life. I don't need abunch of neighbors running over to myhouse every two seconds with gossip anddramatics.

HALEYBut you love gossip.

MARTYOkay gossip is fine but I'm not about tohelp anyone with dramatics besides if Iknow Larry he has already gotten to themwith one of his famous picnic baskets andhandcrafted signs. He's probably evenplanning a potluck.

HALEYBetter stop at the store for Entemann's.

RONALD MITCHELL enters

RONALDYou are supposed to be greeting my newvice president.

MARTYYou're supposed to be a loving husband,guess we're both disappointed.

HALEYIt's time for me to get going.

RONALDHello Haley, still working up the music Isee.

HALEYIt's my passion.

MARTYAnd ours, seriously.

HALEYIt was nice to see you, Ronald, but I'moff to see the crab on the hill. Wish meluck.

RONALDWhy do you even work for her if she's soawful?

10.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

HALEYAwful, yes but she pays me a little morethan I make here. Besides there's a lotof stuff in that old house that needsdusting.

MARTYAnd snooping.

HALEYOf course. Cherio!

RONALDI thought you would be home by now. Ispecifically asked you to meet Scott andhis husband when they arrived. You knowhow important this is.

MARTYIf it's so important why aren't youthere?

RONALDI told you I had some business to takecare of and I wanted you to apologize forme not being there. They are going tothink we aren't very hospitable.

MARTYWe're not.

RONALDYou're not.

MARTYYou want to make a good impression, youwant them to be your new friends, fine,but I have more important things to dothan create some image of happiness thatis far removed from what we really are.

RONALDWhy can't you just do what I ask, justonce?

MARTYI did, I opened up this little shop tokeep me busy while you have your trysts!Is that where you were today? Meeting upwith some new investment? Or was itAidan? Is he your latest bankingassociate?

11.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

RONALDDo you know how stupid you sound rightnow?

The phone rings so Marty turns to a pleasant voice.

MARTYMarty's Mayhem, how can I help you? Oh hiLarry. Oh, you met them. Great. I'm gladyou like them. What? Dinner? Tonight?

RONALDTell him yes, tell him yes.

MARTYNo, I don't think I could. But. Larry.Fine, 7 o'clock.

Marty hangs up the phone.

MARTY (CONT'D)Happy? Now I have to run out for someEntemann's.

EXT. OUTSIDE CARLTON MANOR - DAY

Haley is walking up the tree lined lane singing to herself. AMAN IN BLACK is following her from a safe distance. Haleyhears something and turns around. The Man is gone but sheruns to the door of the mansion and inside.

INT. CARLTON MANOR - FOYER - DAY

Ruth is holding onto the stair banister trying to get intoher wheelchair as Haley enters, out of breath.

RUTHThere you are stupid girl. I could’vekilled myself.

HALEYMrs. Carlton, I think someone wasfollowing me!

RUTHWho would follow you? One of your devotedfans from that freak’s coffee shop?

HALEYI see you’re as concerned about my safetyas I am over yours.

12.CONTINUED: (3)

INT. BUSTAMANTE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The dinner party. Scott, Ronald, and Zimmy are talking in theliving room. Marty, Dylan and Aidan are on the other side ofthe room talking when Larry comes out carrying hoeur d'oveures. He will continue to come in and out of the roomthrough out the dialogue.

MARTYSo I understand you're a writer.

DYLANYes, I am.

AIDANWe're dying to know what you've written.

MARTYThe great American novel no doubt.

DYLANActually, no, it's more of a how to book.

LARRYReally, how to what?

DYLANHow to tell if your husband is cheatingon you.

AIDANSounds right up your alley, Marty.

DYLANIt's more of a humor piece than anything.It's called "Is He A Cheating Bastard? 10Easy Steps To Find Out".

MARTYNow that is fabulous. Do you have anymore of these little nuggets coming out?

DYLANI wasn't sure what I was going to writeabout next but I think this town wouldmake the perfect centerpiece for a novel.I couldn't find a single thing about itanywhere.

MARTYProbably because there isn't much tolearn and even less to care about.

13.

(CONTINUED)

AIDANI don't know about that. I think thewhole thing sounds grand. I'm a recenttransplant as well.

DYLANDid you move here to be near yourgrandmother?

AIDANIt's a long story, quite tragic as well.

MARTYI'll just bet.

AIDANI never actually knew my grandmotherbefore moving here. My mother was born inCarlton Heights and after she died Idecided to look up some relatives then Idecided to settle here.

DYLANReally? So you didn't know anyone?

AIDANNo, but as you can see I've made manyfriends.

MARTYMany, many friends.

LARRYAidan, dear could you give me a hand inthe kitchen?

AIDANExcuse me Dylan. We'll talk more aboutthis though, it would be great to talk toyou more privately about our commondesire in this town, don't you think?

DYLANUmm sure...

AIDANAnd to have your husband along, why Ithink the three of us would get onfamously.

LARRYAidan please, my pop ups are about tofall.

14.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

AIDANDuty calls.

Aidan touches Dylan's shoulder and walks away. On his way tothe kitchen he stops by the other men. He "accidentally"touches Scott on the butt.

AIDAN (CONT'D)Oh excuse me boys.

RONALD(TO SCOTT)

I want to apologize again for not meetingyou here this morning.

SCOTTOh, that's fine; we had more than ourshare of things to do.

ZIMMYI'm sure Larry was greeting enough.

SCOTTIt was a zealous greeting.

ZIMMYHe loves to entertain.

Aidan walks back into the room to Ronald, Scott and Zimmywith a tray of food. This time he brushes up against Ronald.

RONALDAnd speaking of entertaining.

AIDANAnybody want a piece?

EXT. CARLTON MANOR - NIGHT

Ruth is in her wheelchair on her veranda outside her diningroom. She is looking down over the houses in the town and hasa fairly good view of the cul-de-sac. Haley is behind hersetting the dinner table.

HALEYMrs. Carlton what are you doing outthere?

RUTHDo you smell that? That stench?

HALEYIt’s tomato bisque. Your favorite.

15.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

RUTHNot that! Dirtiness, evil. Can't yousmell it? It's coming from right downthere. All of them filthy filthy little..

HALEYMrs. Carlton you should come in. You'rejust going to upset yourself.

RUTHUpset myself, it's them. They're the onesupsetting me you stupid child. With theirparties, and their sex, filthy dirty sex.You can just bet they are all fuckingeach other.

HALEYMrs. Carlton, you should calm down.

RUTHAnd you know the worst of it is thatgrandson of mine is right up in there,getting it from all of them I'll bet.

HALEYGetting what?

RUTHGetting what? How stupid are you girlie?Getting shagged, whatever it is they callit in that country you insist you’refrom. They’re getting it up the butt!That's what's going on down there, Sodomand Gomorrah. My poor Edgar would have aheart attack if he weren't already dead.

HALEY(UNDER HER BREATH)

Or hadn't left your arse 150 years ago.

RUTHI should poison the water, that's what Ishould do.

INT. BUSTAMANTE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Marty and Dylan are still talking to each other by the bar.

MARTYSo what do you think of your newneighbors?

16.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DYLANI haven't really got to know anyone yet.

MARTYWell let me be the one to do theintroductions. I am of course, Marty,patron bitter pill and loather of allthings bland.

DYLANAnd you own the coffee shop in town.

MARTYI run the local café, Marty's Mayhem.

DYLANOh a café! I was thinking of getting apart time job. Are you looking for anyhelp?

MARTYWe don't get too busy and when we doHaley is there to pick up the slack. Imean it's not like I serve food oranything.

DYLANYou don't serve food?

MARTYOh no, I can't cook!

DYLANSo it's just..

MARTYCoffee.

DYLANLike espresso, oh and café au lait.

MARTYNo, coffee, like Folgers.

DYLANYou said Haley worked for you. Larrymentioned her earlier. She's a singerright?

17.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

MARTYRight, if you want to go that far. Herenthusiasm far outreaches her talent so Ilet her sing at my café just to make herhappy. She's a very interesting gal.Thinks she's British.

DYLANShe thinks she's British? You mean she'snot?

MARTYNo, born and raised in Carlton Heights.One summer she went to Pacoima for beautyschool, came back three months later witha bad perm and an even worse accent.Suddenly she swore she was OzzyOsbourne's illegitimate daughter. Whichthough I'm not hard pressed to believestill doesn't explain the accent.

DYLANWhy isn't she here tonight?

MARTYHer second job working for Ruth Carltonserving up the old prune whateverbanshees feed on. Probably youngchildren.

DYLANRuth Carlton. On the hill?

MARTYLives on the hill, owns the hill, used toown the town. Rumor has it her husbandleft her taking Aidan's mother with himwhen she was just a baby.

DYLANReally? Now there's something you won'tfind in the tour books.

MARTYI can't say I blame the man for leavingthe old bat. In my opinion, we'd all bethe victors if Haley opted for arsenicrather than a sugar cube the next timeshe hands the old woman her morning tea.She doesn't like US people. Been a banein our sides ever since we started takingover.

18.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

Larry approaches Dylan and Marty with hoeur d' oveures

DYLANYou mean gay people?

LARRYGay people? Are you kidding? I'm surethat's not what Marty is referring to atall. Who's gay? (beat) You writers andyour imagination. Gay? Of all things.

DYLAN(TO MARTY)

Is he serious?

MARTYLarry is a tad on the conservative side.I'm afraid it has come as a great shockto him that he is indeed homosexual. He'sa REAGAN lover. He spent ten hourswaiting to see the casket.

DYLANThis is all fascinating. Continue, giveme the dish.

MARTYOf course you've met the lovelyBustamantes, sexy Zimmy and his Spanishways. His family lived in Carlton Heightsforever. They were migrant workers forthe Carltons, working on the vineyardsfor years.

Marty takes Dylan to the side

MARTY (CONT'D)I didn't want to say anything withinearshot of Larry but Zimmy's grandfatherwas left a huge chunk of land when EdgarCarlton disappeared, and the clincher ishis grandfather disappeared soon after.

DYLANReally? What does that mean?

MARTYYou tell me. I guess it’s irrelevant nowsince the Bustamante family is all dead.Zimmy got the parcel of land and it wasall Larry’s doing it became this quaintlittle neighborhood. I’ve never quiteforgiven him for that.

19.CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

DYLANDoes Zimmy still work the vineyard?

MARTYThere isn't any vineyard anymore. He runsZimmy's Bistro at the end of town. Highlyelegant but a stupid name if you ask me.

DYLANWell it's no Marty's Mayhem.

MARTYYou aren't kidding. Let's continue shallwe? The lady of the house needs nointroduction. Mrs. Larry Bustamante,hostess extraordinaire and now mother toboot. All in such a short time too. Thenthere's Aidan Palmer.

DYLANI don't think I really care for that one.I mean, does he have a job? Or clothes?

MARTYIronically he owns a clothing store intown but apparently they're too spendyfor him to even purchase. Now you have topromise to give me an acknowledgement inyour book should you use any of theselittle tidbits.

DYLANI could never use other people’s miseriesfor my own profit.

Dylan and Marty look at each other and laugh.

DYLAN (CONT'D)I hope you don't think I'm presumptuousbut I think you're my new best friend.

MARTYI'll drink to that.

Marty and Dylan toast each other.

END OF ACT ONE

20.CONTINUED: (4)

ACT TWO

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Larry and Aidan come out of the kitchen carrying more food.

LARRYOh no, it looks like there's not enoughroom for everyone. Aidan would you be adear. I have some folding chairs in thegarage. Could you please get them for me?I have to check on the twins. All thisexcitement I’m sure they’re not able tosleep. I know I couldn’t.

DYLANCould I see the twins?

LARRYYou want to see my babies? Come on,everyone, come.

RONALDI think I'll go help Aidan in the garage.

MARTYI'll bet you will.

LARRYDon't be ridiculous. You haven't seen thebabies in forever. Zimmy can help Aidan.

ZIMMYOf course.

LARRYOh, you're so sweet.

MARTYI think I'll just stay and have anotherround.

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE GARAGE - NIGHT

Aidan is bending over looking under a shelf for the chairs.Zimmy walks up behind him.

ZIMMYIt seems like every time we meet, you'rebending over.

AIDANThere's a reason for that.

21.

(CONTINUED)

Zimmy walks over to Aidan as he starts unbuttoning his pants.

AIDAN (CONT'D)Aren't you afraid of the guests?

ZIMMYThey're upstairs with the twins. We havetime for a quick little bite of our own.

AIDANYou know I can't help but feel a littleguilty.

Aidan now has his pants dropped as Zimmy drops his and bendsAidan over the shelf.

AIDAN (CONT'D)Larry is like my own mother.

ZIMMYThat makes me your daddy.

AIDANOh daddy.

The two begin to have a fast and frenzied sexual encounter.

EXT. CARLTON MANOR - NIGHT

Ruth is on the veranda off of her bedroom. She is looking forsomething around her wheel chair.

RUTHWhere are those binoculars?

Ruth picks up the binoculars and scans the houses seeing thelights at the Bustamante house. She can see in but can't makeout the people.

RUTH (CONT'D)Damn, I'm going to have to get betterones. These are useless.

HALEYMaybe it’s the cataracts.

RUTHI am telling you Haley something's got tohappen. I have to rid myself of thisvermin taking over my town. I swear toyou, I will get rid of them all,including my grandson.

22.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

HALEYI know you will.

RUTHThey're sick, and right now I just knowsomething disgusting is going on.

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE GARAGE - NIGHT

Inside the garage, Zimmy and Aidan are having sex. Zimmy hasAidan up against the washer. Aidan is being banged into thewasher with Zimmy behind him. Aidan reaches up for supportand accidentally turns on the machine.

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Marty is fixing himself another drink. He sees a photo ofLarry, Zimmy and the twins.

MARTYTypical American family, I could puke.

Marty hears a banging noise coming from the other room so hewanders into:

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE KITCHEN - NIGHT

Marty walks through the kitchen and towards the garage door.He puts his ear to the door and hears the grunts. He rollshis eyes and takes another big gulp of his drink.

INT. BUSTAMANTE HOUSE - TWINS BEDROOM - NIGHT

Larry, Ronald, Scott and Dylan are standing around thebassinet. Larry hands Kelly to Ronald.

LARRYThere you are, go to Uncle Ronald.

RONALDLarry, you know I’m not good with kids.

LARRYDylan, it was Ronald who helped us getthe children in the first place.

DYLANReally?

RONALDA lawyer friend of mine arranged thewhole thing.

23.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DYLANWas it hard to adopt?

LARRYNot at all. It helps that both Zimmy andI come from such upstanding backgroundsof course. Have you thought of havingchildren?

SCOTTDylan is enough of a handful.

LARRYOh I know what you mean. Zimmy and thetwins are enough to keep me at thewashing machine day and night.

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE GARAGE - NIGHT

Aidan and Zimmy are still going at it when suddenly the wholewashing machine begins shaking as the boys climax.

AIDANNow that was fun.

ZIMMYYou are the best.

AIDANThanks Daddy.

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE KITCHEN - NIGHT

Marty is leaning against the kitchen counter when Ronaldenters the kitchen.

RONALDAre you stealing the silverware?

MARTYHah, you're a regular comedian.

RONALDWhere's Zimmy?

MARTYDon't you mean where's Aidan?

RONALDAre you going to start on that again?

Ronald heads to the garage door.

24.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

MARTYI wouldn't go in there. I think your boytoy is occupado.

RONALDWhy don't you head back to the bar?

MARTYThat's the best suggestion you've had inyears.

Zimmy and Aidan come out of the garage carrying foldingchairs.

AIDANOh, hi Ronald, you're looking good.

MARTYWashing clothes were you?

Marty exits. Zimmy and Aidan head to the door but Ronaldstops Aidan.

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Marty enters the living room as Larry, Dylan and Scott maketheir way to the buffet table. Zimmy begins setting up someof the chairs.

LARRYAnd that's why I don't think I'll everhave the heart to tell them they wereadopted.

DYLANBut don't you think they'll know. I meanyou are..

LARRYWhat? A loving mother, a good cook?

DYLANWell, they'll have two fathers.

LARRYThe more the better I've always said.

DYLANI just mean, when they're old enough toknow that a man can't get pregnant.

25.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

LARRYMarty, how is that drink? Can I get you arefill?

MARTYAlways.

SCOTT(TO DYLAN)

Are you enjoying yourself?

DYLANImmensely.

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE KITCHEN - NIGHT

Ronald has Aidan cornered.

RONALDWhat was going on in there?

AIDANIn there? In the garage? Nothing. Are yougetting jealous?

RONALDNo, I just want to know if there'ssomething going on.

AIDANRonald, you know you're the only guy forme.

Ronald kisses Aidan trying to push him towards the garagedoor.

AIDAN (CONT'D)Ronald, please, we're at a party. BesidesI'm not the kind of guy who does quickiesin my neighbor's garage. Come on, help mewith these chairs.

RONALDBut I need you.

AIDANWell Larry needs chairs. Come on. Later.Tonight.

The two share a quick kiss.

26.CONTINUED:

INT. THE BUSTAMANTE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Everyone is standing near the table ready to dig in. Aidanand Ronald come out from the kitchen carrying more chairs.

LARRYThank you boys for the chairs. I hope itwasn't too much trouble.

MARTYI think they were having some troublepulling out (beat) The chairs.

LARRYThere I think everything is perfect. Ohmy goodness Aidan, you look absolutelyflushed. I think you might be coming downwith something.

MARTY(aside)

Going down with something is more likeit.

LARRYPlease, everyone sit.

The group all gathers around the enormous table.

LARRY (CONT’D)I’d like to propose a toast. Welcome toour new neighbors. May we all get to belifelong friends and remain as happy aswe are today!

The group clanks their glasses together, though Marty downshis drink rather than cheer with Ronald.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE CUL-DE-SAC - NIGHT

As the party goes on a black car is waiting in the cul-de-sac. Inside, the man in black who was following Haley is nowwatching the Bustamante house. He is writing something in asmall notebook. In the notes are the names of all the AvenueSea residents.

INT. IRVING BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT

Dylan and Scott are in bed with the lights out. Dylan getsout of bed. Scott rolls over.

SCOTTWhat are you doing out of bed?

27.

(CONTINUED)

DYLANI can't sleep. (puts his hand on stomach)I think that gumbo got the best of me.I'm just going to go downstairs and dosome writing. Go back to sleep.

Dylan walks over to the desk on the right hand side of thebed, grabs a pencil and yellow note pad.

INT. IRVING HOUSE - NIGHT

Dylan walks down the stairs and through the living room outinto:

EXT. IRVING VERANDA - NIGHT

Dylan sits on a chair looking over the water. He hearswhispering coming from the right side of his house. Aidan andRonald are talking to each other but Dylan can't hear them.Dylan gets up from the chair and sneaks to the right to tryand hear who is talking.

RONALDThe old woman used some law firm in SanFrancisco to do the will. I can handlethat part, but I need you to do is getinto the house.

AIDANIt's not that easy. The old woman isindestructible.

RONALDNo one is indestructible. Particularlyold people. They have accidents all thetime. They fall, Aidan, they fall andthey hurt themselves, sometimes they evendie.

AIDANYeah, well what about Haley?

RONALDYou can take care of Haley I'm sure. Idon't know why you're acting so paranoidnow. This was your idea.

AIDANI know, but so many things could gowrong. I just want to be careful. Whatabout our newest residents?

28.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

RONALDYou wanted me to find them and I did.

AIDANI didn't necessarily want you to bringthem to Carlton Heights.

RONALDIf there is one thing I learned it's tokeep your friends close and your enemiescloser. Now don't worry your sweet littlehead any more. I have another head youcan worry about.

AIDANHere?

RONALDIt never bothered you before.

Aidan goes down to his knees as Dylan looks over the verandaand to the right to see who it is talking. Dylan's foot hitsthe chair behind him making a sound. Dylan runs back in thehouse.

Aidan and Ronald walk around the house to where they heardthe sound.

AIDANWe better get back to our houses.

Dylan peers out the window, pulling back the curtain.

DYLANRonald? Not Zimmy? Ronald and Zimmy??

Dylan peers back out the window just as Scott comes up behindand puts his hand on Dylan's shoulder. Dylan jumps.

DYLAN (CONT'D)(Loud whisper) What are you doing?

SCOTT(whisper) I wanted to see what you wereup to?

Scott looks out the window. He turns to Dylan.

SCOTT (CONT'D)(Still whispering) What are YOU doing?And why are you whispering?

29.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DYLANBecause I like the quiet.

SCOTTYou're spying aren't you?

DYLANNo, I am not spying. I think there was adeer out there.

SCOTTA deer?

DYLAN(louder) Yes a deer.

SCOTTShh...They'll hear you.

DYLANWho?

SCOTTWhoever you're spying on.

DYLANI'm going to bed.

EXT. CARLTON MANOR - RUTH’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Haley is checking on Ruth who is fast asleep. Haley walks tothe window to close it when she spots the binoculars. Shetakes them out and looks down on the cul-de-sac where shesees Aidan and Ronald walking together from the Irving house.

HALEYAidan, what are you up to?

RUTHThey can't hear you, you know. Stupidgirl.

EXT. THE CUL-DE-SAC - NIGHT

The man in black is sitting in the car watching the cul-de-sac. He writes down the time and circles the name: “IRVING”

END OF ACT TWO.

30.CONTINUED: (2)

ACT THREE

INT. IRVING KITCHEN - MORNING

Dylan is dressed in a robe cooking eggs when Scott enters.

SCOTTYou're cooking? Aren’t you feeling well?

DYLANIt’s your first day at your new job. Iwanted to do something special for myman. Now sit down and have somebreakfast.

Dylan smiles and hums as he serves Scott.

DYLAN (CONT'D)Aren't you going to eat?

SCOTTYes, I just wanted to see today'snewspaper. Find out what's happening inCarlton Heights.

DYLANSo what's happening?

SCOTTIt says here a man was seen staringthrough neighbor's windows last night.

DYLANOh knock it off. I wasn't looking throughneighbor's windows. I was looking atneighbors through MY window.

SCOTTAlright tell me all about it.

DYLANTell you what?

SCOTTOkay you don't have to tell me but I knowit's killing you.

DYLANAlright, since you asked. Well you knowI'm not one to gossip but

SCOTTBut

31.

(CONTINUED)

DYLANThere wasn't really a deer outside ourveranda last night. It was men, two men,two men we know, two men who live...

SCOTTI get it two men. What two men?

DYLANI couldn't be sure at first because whenI popped my head around the corner theywere, well you know. Then just as I wasabout to make out the silhouettes I hadto pop my head back in but I think I cansafely say it was Ronald and Aidan! Atfirst I thought it was Aidan and Zimmy,you know because I distinctively sawsomething happening between the two ofthem but then I realized it had to beRonald because...

SCOTTBecause?

DYLANBecause I just knew. I told you. I toldyou that blonde boy was nothing but aslut. I knew it from the moment I saw himand now poor Marty. I wonder if Martyknows. I wonder if everybody knows. Ohpoor Marty. I wonder if Aidan is sleepingwith Zimmy too. I wouldn't put it pasthim. Could you imagine? Oh my god, I bethe is. I wonder if Larry knows. Oh my,poor Larry, poor..

SCOTTPoor Marty, poor Larry, poor me.

DYLANWhat do you mean poor you? You're not theone who has to carry this big secretaround with you like I do.

SCOTTYou don't even know if you have a secret.You don't know even know for sure who wasout there last night.

DYLANOh I know and what's more is I knowthey're hatching some sort of plot.

32.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

SCOTTA plot?

DYLANYes, a plot. I heard them say somethingabout the old lady and that Haley girl. Ididn’t get the details but I heard somethings I'm sure I wasn't supposed tohear. I think I even heard somethingabout you and me. Can you believe theaudacity of talking about us right on ourown side lawn?

SCOTTYou're unbelievable you know that?

DYLANThanks, I think so too.

Dylan gets up and heads towards the other room.

SCOTTWhere are you going?

DYLANI have to get dressed. I need to go overto Marty's and see what he knows. Orshould I stop at Larry's first? Oh wellwhoever is home.

SCOTTAre you nuts?

DYLANNo I'm not nuts. I'm not going to tellthem their husbands are cheating on them.I'm just going to hint around that maybethere is a husband cheating and see howthey react. If one of them knowssomething I will figure it out.

SCOTTYOU don't even know anything.

DYLANWhat are you talking about? I just gaveyou the facts.

SCOTTThe facts?

DYLANYes, the facts.

33.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

SCOTTThe facts are you were outside in themiddle of the dark night and heardvoices. Voices you don't even recognizesaying things you couldn't hear.

DYLANI saw them too remember?

SCOTTIn the dark, two silhouettes hugging.

DYLANWell they weren't exactly hugging.

SCOTTWhatever. You never saw their faces! Youhave only met these people once for abouttwo hours and you couldn't possibly knowwho they were and now you're going tomarch over to our neighbor's house andstart looking for clues?

DYLANYes. Wouldn't you?

SCOTTNo, I wouldn't.

DYLANWell then I won't tell you what I findout.

INT. CARLTON MANOR - FOYER - MORNING

Haley is walking through the room when Aidan comes throughthe door.

HALEYWhat are you doing here?

AIDANI'm here to see my Grandmother of course.

HALEYI need to talk to you.

AIDANSorry doll I don't have time for youtoday.

34.CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

HALEYI saw you last night with RonaldMitchell.

RUTH(FROM THE OTHER ROOM)

Haley, who are you talking to?

HALEYNo one.

AIDANIt's me Aidan, here to see my favoritegrandmother.

RUTHOh Christ.

INT. CARLTON MANOR - DINING ROOM - MORNING

Aidan walks into the room and kisses his grandmother's cheekwhile she wrestles with her spoon in a grapefruit.

RUTHHaley, how many times have I told you Ican't stand grapefruit!

AIDANI believe I kissed you “Hello”.

RUTHHaley, get in here and take this away.

Haley takes the grapefruit away while looking at Aidan whowinks at her.

AIDANGrandmother, are you with us today?

RUTHI realize you are here you littlebastard. I was hoping if I ignored you,you would slither your way back out thefront door.

AIDANYou are feisty today. That's good,because I have some business to chat withyou about.

RUTHWhat do you want this time? Did youfinally knock up the wrong girl?

35.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

AIDANGrandmother, really you're too insane.You know I'm queer as a three dollarbill. That's the reason you wouldn't letme stay with you when I came knocking onyour door.

RUTHShut up. I don't want to hear about anyof this.

AIDANBut I have something that might interestyou.

RUTHI doubt that.

AIDANSo you don’t want to know about thenewest arrivals to our town?

RUTHI’m not the least bit interested.

AIDANA wonderful reputable couple from LosAngeles. One is a banker and one is awriter.

RUTHIt's about time some normal people movedin.

AIDANOh and they're gay. Gay, gay, gay! Andmarried! Married gay people, Grandmother.That's who's moved in.

RUTHYou make me sick!

AIDANNot as sick as this might make you. Thebanker, Scott Irving he transferred hereand is now VP for your local bank. Rightunder Ronald Mitchell, all those grubbygay hands touching your wads of cash. Itmakes me giddy.

RUTHGet out of my house.

36.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

AIDANWait, there's more. The writer DylanIrving, and this, this you're going tolove Grandmother. He plans on writing abook about Carlton Heights. It seems hejust can't get enough of all theeccentrics that live in the area. Heplans on delving into all the secrets ofour town including and I'll bet this willtighten your last unclogged artery, theCarlton family. He plans on exposingeveryone and everything. Isn't that fab?

RUTHYou can wipe that smile off your faceAidan. I haven’t dropped dead with yourlatest antics. Which wouldn't really helpyou anyway since your smug little assisn't in my will.

AIDANGrandmother, do you really think I'mworried about your will? That's for thelawyers to worry about. What I'm worriedabout is the money I need now. Whileyou're still burdening us with yourbreathing.

RUTHYou think you can walk in and demandmoney from me just because some newdegenerate wants to write about CarltonHeights?

AIDANWell if that didn't do it, then perhapsthis could change your mind. You see Inever mentioned this to you because Iwanted to keep it for just the mostspecial moment. I have a little book thatmight help our Dylan Irving should heneed some extra material.

RUTHWhat are you talking about?

AIDANWhen my poor mother lay dying she notonly told me where to find my dearGrandmother, she also told me where tofind her diary.

37.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

RUTHWhat?

AIDANA big journal of scandals and secrets allabout my family. Now I haven't had timeto read it all, but what I have read isquite disturbing Grandmother.

RUTHHow much do you want to keep yourcocksucking mouth shut?

AIDANGrandmother! Tsk tsk. Don't make me getHaley in here to wash your mouth out withsoap. All I want is what I deserve. Ithink a down payment of say $200,000might keep me quiet, for awhile anyway.

RUTHYou aren't getting any of my money.

AIDANThen you aren't getting any of mymother's notes.

Aidan takes a bite out of Ruth's toast as he heads to thedoor.

AIDAN (CONT'D)I think you'll change your mind onceyou've had your morning bran. I know howirritable you are before then.

Aidan exits as Ruth slams down her silverware.

RUTHHaley, get out here! Now!

HALEYAnother pleasant visit?

RUTHDid you know about these new people intown?

HALEYYes, Marty told me all about them.They're a couple..

38.CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

RUTHYes I know they are a couple! But acouple of what is what I aim to find out.Haley, rev up the Caddy, we're going totown.

EXT. THE CUL-DE-SAC - MORNING

Dylan is walking past the Bustamante house on his way toMarty's when Larry comes out with the twins in a stroller.

LARRYHidy hi neighbor.

DYLANHi. I was just on my way to Marty's.

LARRYHe's already gone to the coffee shop.

DYLANThat's too bad, I was hoping to catchhim. Maybe I'll just go the coffee shop.

LARRYHe would love that. I’m a little worriedabout Marty. To be frank, I think thereis something bothering him. In factthat’s where we were headed, isn’t itlittle ones?

DYLANGood morning, Kelly and Donald.

LARRYDid you hear that little chickadees?Uncle Dylan remembered your names. Thatis too precious. Come on let's stroll.

DYLANAlright. I was hoping to check out thelibrary as well, for research. You dohave a library don't you?

LARRYOf course we do.

DYLANYou said something might be botheringMarty? What do you think it could be?

39.CONTINUED: (4)

(CONTINUED)

LARRYI'm not sure but I do think there may besome problems in the marriage.

DYLANWhat makes you say that?

LARRYMarty hasn’t talked about it but I am apretty good expert on relationships.

DYLANMaybe it’s an affair. Maybe Ronald ishaving an affair.

LARRYAn affair? No. I mean who would he behaving an affair with? But then again youare an expert on the subject aren’t you?

DYLANI did write the book.

LARRYStill I can't imagine one of my friendsyou know, having one of those.

DYLANIt's really quite more frequent than onewould believe.

LARRYI can't think of anyone Ronald could beseeing.

DYLANMaybe it has something to do with Aidan.

LARRYAidan? An affair with Aidan?

DYLANI didn’t say that. I just meant maybeMarty has a problem with Aidan and that'swhat's been bothering him.

LARRYYou do think Aidan and Ronald are havingan affair don't you? Look I'm not blindto Aidan's ways. I can assure you he isjust flirting. He's kidding. There isnothing going on between Ronald andAidan, I can guarantee that.

40.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DYLANMaybe you're right. Maybe there isn'tanything going on between Aidan andRonald. So where's Zimmy this morning? Ishe at the restaurant already?

LARRYHe's such a workaholic. I mean we aren'teven open on Mondays and here he isrunning into town before I even get thetwins their breakfast. He's so dedicated.

DYLAN(Under his breath)

Maybe you should read my book.

LARRYWhat was that dear?

DYLANNothing, I'm sure you're right. Ronaldand Aidan are not having an affair.

INT. THE COUTURE - BACK ROOM - DAY

Aidan walks through the unlit store to the back. A man grabshim from behind and begins to caress Aidan.

AIDANI was supposed to be the robber this timeRonald.

Aidan turns around to find Zimmy not Ronald.

ZIMMYI'm not Ronald, I hope that's okay.

Aidan pulls Zimmy's pants down and drops to his knees.

ZIMMY (CONT’D)I guess it is.

EXT. DOWNTOWN CARLTON HEIGHTS - DAY

Larry, Dylan and the twins are walking up the street.

LARRYThere is the town library and right hereis Marty's Mayhem.

DYLANIs that a thrift store across the street?

41.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

LARRYWhy yes, it's the town's only...

DYLANI've got to go. Do you want to?

LARRYNo, that's okay. To be honest with you Ithink Marty will more forthcoming if itwere just me there. I am his best friend.You understand don’t you?

DYLANYeah, yeah see you later.

Dylan runs across the street as Larry walks into Marty'sMayhem. In the background, Ruth Carlton's black Cadillacpulls up to the curb. Haley helps Ruth out of the car.

INT. MARTY'S MAYHEM - COFFEE HOUSE - DAY

Marty is at the counter when Larry and the twins enter.

MARTYHi guys. What brings you here?

LARRYI just had to have a cup of your coffee.

MARTYIt's your stomach.

LARRYYou're right, maybe just a glass ofwater.

Marty brings Larry some water and stoops down to the twins.

LARRY (CONT'D)Marty I'm really quite worried about you.

MARTYMe? Why?

LARRYYou just don't seem yourself. Is theresomething you would like to tell me?Something maybe going on with you andRon?

MARTYRon and I are just...

42.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

Haley enters Marty’s Mayhem dressed formally as a chauffeurmaking Marty laugh out loud.

HALEYI know I look positively ghastly!

INT. THRIFT STORE - DAY

Dylan looks through record bins as Ruth enters the store fromthe background, watching Dylan the whole time.

INT. M&A BANK - DAY

Scott is handing a receipt to an elderly man as Ronald lookson.

RONALDI think you have this place all handled.It's time for my lunch break.

SCOTTSo where do you go for lunch around here?

RONALDThere are a couple of diners in town butpersonally I think you're better offbagging it. As for me, I need to burnenergy everyday so I walk the town forthe hour.

SCOTTWell have fun.

RONALDI will. My lunchtime workout does wondersfor me.

INT. THE THRIFT STORE - DAY

Dylan is looking at clothes as Ruth eyes him up. Dylan sees atable of patchwork quilts and begins to caress them. He islost in a trance.

DYLANMama?

Dylan holds an edge of the quilt to his face as Ruth's canecomes down on the edge of the table.

RUTHThis is my quilt.

43.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DYLANYou made it? It's just lovely.

RUTHNo I didn't make it. I'm buying it.

DYLANYou can't. I saw it first. It reminds meof something. Something long ago..

RUTHI don't care what it reminds you of, yousilly little faggot, it's my quilt.

DYLANNow wait just a minute. Who do you thinkyou are calling people names and gettingall up in their faces with your cane?

RUTHIt's MY quilt.

DYLANNo, this is mine. I saw it first and Idon't care how many centuries you've beenliving on this planet, it's mine.

GERTIE WINSTON, the shopkeeper runs over to the two as theybegin tug of war with the quilt.

GERTIEExcuse me. Is there some kind of problem?

DYLANYes there is. I was admiring this quiltand just about to purchase it when thisold bird came up and attacked me with hercane.

RUTHHow dare you. Do you know who I am?

DYLANYeah, you're the old bitch trying tosteal my quilt.

RUTHIs this the calibre of clientele you letinto your shop Gertie Winston?

Dylan pulls money out of his pocket with his free hand wavingit at Gertie.

44.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DYLANHere, I'll take this.

RUTHOver my dead body.

DYLANThat could be arranged old lady.

EXT. DOWNTOWN CARLTON HEIGHTS - DAY

SHERIFF MACKENZIE is walking the streets greeting thetownspeople. He is wearing his officer shirt and badge with akilt. He sees the crowd gathered around the thrift store andmakes his way through the residents.

TOWNSPERSONSheriff, thank goodness you’re here. Somestranger is trying to rough up Mrs.Carlton!

INT. THE THRIFT STORE - DAY

Sheriff Mackenzie runs into the store. Ruth and Dylan arestill fighting over the quilt while Gertie tries to get theobject away from both of them.

DYLANLet go of it.

RUTHYou let go, you stupid fag.

DYLANYou know you have a filthy mouth.

GERTIEPlease, please let go of it. I'm going tohave to ask you to leave.

DYLANHah, you hear that? It's mine.

GERTIEI was speaking to you. Don't make me callthe police.

SHERIFF MACKENZIENo need. What's going on here?

END OF ACT THREE.

45.CONTINUED: (2)

ACT FOUR

INT. MARTY'S MAYHEM - DAY

Haley is singing one of her signature screeches while Larryand the twins dance to her tune. Marty is looking out thewindow when he spots a flamboyant man in his late 40s wavingat him and running towards the coffee shop.

MARTYOh no, here comes Toddy Tudrow. He drivesme nuts.

LARRYHe is a bit of a gossip.

MARTYHis suits are too loud and his voice isso hiii...

TODDY TUDROW enters.

TODDY TUDROW(speaking with a lisp)

There's a fight at the thrift store! It’sthat stranger, that new person isfighting with Mrs. Carlton!

MARTYWhat new person?

TODDYThat gorgeous new guy. The writer.Sheriff Mackenzie was just running upthere to put a stop to it!

HALEYI can’t leave that woman alone for twominutes.

Marty, Haley and Toddy run out the door while Larry quicklygathers up the twins so he too can follow along.

EXT. OF THE THRIFT STORE - DOWNTOWN CARLTON HEIGHTS - DAY

A whole gang of onlookers is standing outside of the thriftstore watching the scene inside - some with horror and somewith humor. Ronald approaches the crowd when Marty and Haleyarrive. Marty pushes his way to the front of the crowd.

46.

INT. THE THRIFT STORE - DAY

Sheriff Mackenzie walks up to Dylan and Ruth as Gertie triesto pry the prized quilt from their hands.

GERTIEPlease let go, please.

Gertie and Sheriff Mackenzie pry the two apart.

SHERIFF MACKENZIENow will you please tell me what in theblazes is happening here? Gertie?

SHOPKEEPER(Pointing to Dylan)

This one here was trying to rough up...

DYLANThis one here? Me? I was minding my ownbusiness.

SHERIFF MACKENZIELook why don't we just have a seat andcalm down. You can tell me all about it.(To Ruth) Let me help you.

DYLANHelp her! I'm the one who was practicallycaned to death.

SHERIFF MACKENZIEThat's enough out of you, Mr. Irving.That’s right I know who you are. Now sitdown.

Sheriff Mackenzie points to a chair for Dylan to take whilehe escorts Ruth to a chair next to Dylan. Mackenzie takes achair directly across from them.

SHERIFF MACKENZIE (CONT'D)(to Ruth) Can you tell me what happened?

RUTHI am just a fragile old woman and this,this PERSON just attacked me! Over aquilt of all things. Now does that seemlogical to you?

DYLANOh you are pushing it lady.

47.

(CONTINUED)

SHERIFF MACKENZIEYou shut your mouth. Go on Mrs. Carlton.

DYLANYou're Mrs. Carlton, I should've known.

SHERIFF MACKENZIEI've had just about enough of you.

Mackenzie leans back in his chair. He crosses his legexposing the fact he is not wearing any underwear.

DYLANYou've got to be kidding me.

SHERIFF MACKENZIEDo you have a problem?

DYLANNo.

SHERIFF MACKENZIENow, Mrs. Carlton I realize this has beenquite traumatic for you.

RUTHIt has been, it really has been. I justdon't understand what happens to thesepeople who are raised away from oursimple values. They come in to our townand bully, practically knocking downdefenseless elderly people and for what?For the sake of a second hand quilt. WellI don't want it if it's worth all this.

DYLANNow you don't want it?

SHERIFF MACKENZIEReally you should be ashamed of yourself.Mrs. Carlton, do you want to presscharges?

DYLANPress charges! For what?

SHERIFF MACKENZIEYou can't just come in here with yourhigh faluting ways and push peoplearound. This isn't Los Angeles, Mr.Irving. Do you want me to get yourhusband and see what he has to say aboutall of this?

48.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DYLANAre you kidding me?

SHERIFF MACKENZIEYou can bet your sweet bippy I am notkidding you little mister.

DYLANI'm in Hell.

Mackenzie pushes his chair back and spreads his legs evenfurther while Dylan is having a hard time keeping serious.

SHERIFF MACKENZIEDo you think this is funny?

DYLANNo, I don't. In fact I think this is allridiculous.

Larry and the twins make their way into the store.

LARRYDylan, what have you done?

SHERIFF MACKENZIELarry, you know this person?

LARRYHe's my neighbor. I hope nothing serioushas happened.

Ruth grabs her cane for stability in an attempt to rise.

DYLANWatch out! She's going to hit someone!

RUTHI am merely trying to stand up to look atthese beautiful babies.

Larry rolls the stroller to Ruth.

LARRYHello Mrs. Carlton. You remember Donaldand Kelly don't you?

RUTHOf course I do. Such beautiful childrenyou have.

Mackenzie stands up.

49.CONTINUED: (2)

(CONTINUED)

DYLANThank god.

SHERIFF MACKENZIESo Mrs. Carlton, about the charges.

RUTHLet's just put this behind us shall we?How can I hold a grudge when there aresuch special little creatures present?

SHERIFF MACKENZIEI guess you are free to go Mr. Irving.But I don't want any more trouble fromyou.

Dylan stands up as Gertie brings the quilt over to him.

DYLANI don't think so.

Dylan walks through the crowd where Marty and Haley stop him.Ronald disappears into the crowd so Marty won't see him.

HALEYGood show old chap. Hi, I’m Haley.

DYLANHi.

MARTYCome on, I think you need some Folgers.

HALEYYou’ll excuse me, it’s time to pretendI’m a caregiver.

DYLANThey all hate me.

MARTYWelcome to Carlton Heights.

INT. THE COUTURE - BACK ROOM - DAY

Aidan and Zimmy are having sex.

ZIMMY(IN BETWEEN GRUNTS)

You're so hot, you're the best fuckaround.

50.CONTINUED: (3)

(CONTINUED)

AIDANWait until we're rich, money makes mehot!

ZIMMYI... don't... want... you... with...Ron... anymore.

AIDANWe...need...him...to...get...the... will!

ZIMMYI..don't..like...it.

AIDANYou'll...love...it!

INT. THRIFT STORE - DAY

Mackenzie is dispersing the crowd. Haley runs into the storepretending she just arrived.

HALEYMrs. Carlton are you alright? I came assoon as I heard.

RUTHI'm fine, Mr. Bustamante was of greatassistance.

LARRYI am so sorry for what has happened Mrs.Carlton.

RUTHThere's no need for you to apologize.

LARRYI feel I do. Dylan Irving is a friend ofmine and I would hate for his behavior toreflect any on my family.

RUTHDon't be silly. I'm not one to holdgrudges or make people miserable.

HALEYOf course not.

RUTHHaley, grab my cane and please be quiet,I'm having a conversation.

51.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

LARRYI'll help you up.

Ruth grabs Larry's arm as a guide and rises from her chairwhile Haley checks out her nail cuticles.

RUTHIn appreciation of your kindness Mr.Bustamante, I would love to take you tolunch.

LARRYThat's not necessary.

RUTHI insist. Does that husband of yoursstill own that lovely little bistro atthe end of town?

LARRYYes, he does but...

RUTHThen let's go. It will be perfectlylovely and we can talk about much morepleasant things than this terribleincident. Haley, come on!

INT. THE COUTURE - BACK ROOM - LATER

Aidan and Zimmy are lying on the floor post coital.

AIDANTo put your mind at rest about Ron, I amstarting to doubt his ability to get whatI want. So I have a little secret weapon.

Aidan reaches around and grabs a book out of his satchel.

ZIMMYWhat's that? A book?

AIDANYes, Zimmy a book, but not just any book.This is a book that sheds light on everysingle little secret in Carlton Heights.

ZIMMYEvery secret?

52.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

AIDANYes every secret! Will you please staywith me? I just know Granny would bewilling to pay to keep this book out ofthe wrong hands, say those of a snoopingDylan Irving with his publishing contactsand all.

ZIMMYThen we don't need Ron. Why don't youjust ditch him?

Zimmy's cell phone rings. Zimmy reaches for his phone asAidan begins to get dressed.

ZIMMY (CONT'D)Hi Larry. (pause) What? (pause) Ofcourse. We'll be ready.

Zimmy jumps up struggling to put his pants on.

AIDANProblems with the kiddies?

ZIMMYLarry thinks I’m at the restaurant andhe's on his way with Mrs. Carlton forlunch.

AIDANWhat is he doing with my grandmother?

ZIMMYLarry just saved your grandmother from arun in with Dylan Irving.

AIDANWhat?

ZIMMYLooks like your plan is alreadybackfiring.

AIDANIf Grandmother and Dylan have alreadymet, it's all the more reason for Dylanto write a nasty tell all on the witchdon't you think?

53.CONTINUED:

INT. THE COUTURE - THE MAIN ROOM - DAY

Ronald walks in whistling and untying his tie as he heads tothe back room. He calls for Aidan.

INT. THE COUTURE - BACK ROOM - DAY

Aidan pushes Zimmy towards the door though Zimmy is stillhalf undressed.

AIDANGo, he can't find you in here.

ZIMMYYou just said we didn't need him.

AIDANYou said we didn't need him, I'm stillnot so sure.

Aidan pushes Zimmy out the door with Zimmy still zipping uphis pants as Ronald enters the room.

RONALDThere's my love muffin. Didn't you hearme calling you?

AIDANI was ignoring you. You're late!

RONALDI'm sorry. There was some drama at thethrift store.

AIDANWhat kind of drama?

RONALDYour grandmother and Dylan had some kindof scuffle.

AIDANReally! Shouldn't you be at the banktelling Scott?

RONALDI have a feeling Scott will find out soonenough. Right now I'm here for my lunch.

Ronald bites at Aidan's neck.

54.

INT. MARTY'S MAYHEM - DAY - LATER

Dylan is at a table as Marty brings him a cup.

DYLANWhat's this?

MARTYMy own gourmet brew. Some Folger's,chocolate syrup and dab it up with somewhip cream.

DYLAN(sipping the drink)

Mmm good.

MARTYIt needs something doesn't it?

Marty runs behind the counter and returns with a bottle ofbooze, pouring the contents into the drink.

MARTY (CONT'D)This might help. It always seems to helpme when Haley starts singing her songs.Let’s celebrate, “Kudos to you forstanding up to that old hag.”

DYLANI'm glad it brought you some happiness.All I had planned for the day was alittle trip to the library and a littlesnooping. Curse my love for cheap secondhand goods.

MARTYIt’s the downfall of every frugal man.

DYLANScott is not going to like this if hehears about it.

Marty sees Scott through the window of the coffee shop.

MARTYI think he might have already heard.

55.

INT. ZIMMY'S BISTRO - DAY

Ruth and Larry are having lunch with the twins looking on.

RUTHSo tell me about these Irvings. Do youknow them well?

LARRYNo I don't. I really feel quite awkwardtalking about this.

RUTHNonsense. This is what luncheons are allabout. Dishing with friends aboutfriends.

LARRYYou're right, but I just want you toknow, I don't usually talk out of turn.It must be the wine so early in the day.

RUTHBy all means, indulge.

LARRYI don't want to sound suspicious oranything but I do always find it a tadstrange when a new couple comes to town.

RUTHHow exactly did the Irvings come to findour secluded hideaway?

LARRYThe Mitchells of course. Scott works forthe bank with Ronald. He was transferredhere. Now who gets transferred from a bigbank in Los Angeles to a small branchwith only one teller? It just doesn't addup. Get it, add up? They're bankers yousee...

RUTHYes, amusing. So because of this job theyoung couple just packed up and movedaway from their home?

56.

(CONTINUED)

LARRYI think it was Dylan’s idea. He's awriter and has all this time on his handsto come up with insane theories abouteveryone. Oh and I guess he loves theocean and cul-de-sacs. He’s from theMidwest somewhere, Wausamazoo..

RUTHDo you believe their story?

LARRYOh sure, I believe it, I just think it'sstrange. And now he plans on writing abook about Carlton Heights. I just knowhe's going to be snooping around.

RUTHA book you say.

LARRYYes. You know I love it here and I don'twant anything bad to happen.

RUTHThat's a very wise statement, Mr.Bustamante.

LARRYPlease, call me Larry.

RUTHIt really is a shame someone would havesuch a low moral aptitude they would nosearound in others personal affairs.

LARRYI agree 100% Ruth.

RUTHPlease, call me Mrs. Carlton. I thinkit's to everyone's benefit that DylanIrving stays as far away from our town'ssecrets as possible don't you?

Ruth moves in closer to look at the babies.

RUTH (CONT'D)They're adopted right? It would be apity if their true origin were to befound out now wouldn't it?

Larry takes another big gulp of wine.

57.CONTINUED:

INT. MARTY'S MAYHEM - DAY

Scott enters the diner.

DYLANIn my defense, it's not what you think.

SCOTTIt's not? The whole town is talking aboutthe new guy who likes to beat up oldladies. Why didn't you just let her havethe quilt?

DYLANOh, you know about the quilt too? Well,it was the principle of the thing. Whatare you doing here anyway? Shouldn't yoube at work?

SCOTTEveryone came running into the bank totell me about my bad husband and histhrift store carnage. Ron was still atlunch and I didn't know what to do. Thatis until Sheriff Mackenzie came in andforced me to close the bank.

DYLANWhat? He can't do that.

SCOTTHe said it was mandatory during aterrorist strike.

DYLANA terrorist strike? We're being attacked?

SCOTTIt's you! You're the terrorist.

MARTYI hate to butt in but Ruth Carlton is acrazed old bird whom most of this town istoo afraid to say anything to. You cantrust me, she is hardly a victim.

SCOTTThanks for your help Marty but I stilldon't think Dylan should take it uponhimself to rid us of the woman. Youcould've hurt her you know.

58.

(CONTINUED)

DYLANThis is so ridiculous. You know it'salmost like she had it planned, likeshe singled me out. She knew who I wasand she wanted to wreak havoc in my life.

MARTYSounds plausible to me, she's a wretchedold bat and everyone in town does knowwho you two are.

DYLANSee.

SCOTTI think you've just had too muchexcitement with the move. Yourimagination has been going crazy for twodays.

Scott picks up the drink in front of Dylan.

SCOTT (CONT'D)Are you drinking? Come on I'm taking youhome. I think you need some rest.

The Irvings exit the coffee shop to:

EXT. MARTY'S MAYHEM - DAY

SCOTTI don't think you should hang around withhim anymore.

The man in black passes in front of the Irvings acknowledgingthem.

EXT. ZIMMY'S BISTRO - DAY

Ruth exits the restaurant with Larry, Zimmy and the twins.

RUTHIt was a beautiful lunch. Thank you somuch for opening for me.

ZIMMYIt was our pleasure, Mrs. Carlton.

RUTHOh and Larry, am I correct in thinking Ican count on you for any kind of help Imay need involving this problem.

59.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

LARRYOf course. You can count on me.

RUTHGood. Now you take real good care ofthose babies.

Haley helps Mrs. Carlton into the car.

EXT. DOWNTOWN CARLTON HEIGHTS

The man in black goes to a pay phone and dials a number. Inthe background are Larry and the twins as Mrs. Carlton getsinto the car.

MAN IN BLACKIt's me. I found your babies.

INT. RUTH CARLTON'S CADILLAC

Ruth gets into the backseat of her car as Haley gets into thedriver's seat.

HALEYDid you have an entertaining afternoonMrs. Carlton?

RUTHIt was divine, Haley, simply divine.

HALEYDid you get the information you werelooking for?

RUTHOh yes. It looks like a prodigal son hasreturned home. There is no question in mymind. Dylan Irving is not who he says heis. He is most definitely a Carlton.Let's go Haley, there are manypreparations to be made.

HALEYYes Ma'am.

The black Cadillac pulls away from the curb and heads up thehill to Carlton Manor.

FADE OUT.

THE END.

60.CONTINUED: