Carlton Chronicle 2003 10 Public

8/6/2019 Carlton Chronicle 2003 10 Public

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Carlton Chronicle, October 2003 1

RAW WITH ENVYFrom: Anderson, Clive [Relegated to BBC4.co.uk]

Sent: 13 July 2003, 03:00

To: John My Night With Reg Sessions; Sandy Im now on LBC Radio Toksvig;

Ryan I have been irritating on UK ads Stiles; The rest of the WLIIA Gang

CC: My Agent

Subject: Whose show was it anyway?

(To be read in the style of Bridget Jones)

Fellow Has Beens,

Grim news. Was sent anonymous letter to come to a RawActive! Theatre show in Merton.

Our old show but this time for four teams on stage over six weeks from 5 July to 9

August. Better looking. Better audiences. Better banter. Bxxxxxds.

Must use my former Cambridge barrister rhetoric to create big stink lawsuit. Am well

angry. Our reruns are on in the US and on the Comedy Channel in Australia were

contenders, right? Some petty Matt bloke has nicked my MC role. Too bloody smooth for

my liking. Milking audience with fancy singing and clever repartee. Thought I was

King of Anti-heckling.

Its all change. Multi-media intros and a crowd-pleasing show song at the end. Andover 40 wild games (sorry, CHALLENGES to new luvvies). I mean - No P.O.I.S.E?Should be something to do with EastEnders or Coronation St, right? Nope. Using no

words beginning with these letters sounds more like foreign chat up line. (MUST learn

technique for next years overseas holiday from Ian Carlies Angels Bosley and Lady

Julia Out Damn Spot MacBoggio.)

Not really bitter and twisted. Not really embarrassed by Ready, Steady, Cook style

audience voting. Not really fantasising about Carlies Angels team girls in their

cute outfits. Swear they were trying to throw sweets in MY mouth. Fancy a dusting

down from those visions in white from Out Damn Spot as well. I wish. Have even

failed to gatecrash rumoured Raw Active! lock-in at the Piano Bar to use some of my

old WLIIA patter.

In desperation,

Clive (alive on the after dinner circuit)

From: Lawrence, Josie [LastseeninTheKingAndI.com]

Sent: 10 August 2003, 03.30

To: Anderson, Clive [Relegated to BBC4.co.uk]

CC: The Old Gang

Subject: Re: Whose Show was it anyway?

You are a silly jealous middle-aged boy. Not that my nails arent blunt with

scratching those talented peoples eyes out. After going incognito these last 2 shows

of RawActive! Theatre, I am raw-ing with laughter. (You see I still retain my knackfor improv.) Indeed, I was deafened by the braying of three neighbours who admit to

being members of some amateur drama group. Possibly even the Chairman.

the official organ of the

Carlton Dramatic Societ

Free where sold


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Dear Paul Merton was too busy with Have I got news for you to join me, but Tony

Slattery came out of self-induced retirement to wrestle the last 2 tickets from the

touts. We were just DYING to get up on stage. But I think I prefer being a Raw

Groupie! Two sweeties called Raw Monkeys stood in for your smooth MC last week (but

his paper effigy was, well, RATHER popular with the ladies.) Very Reeves and

Mortimer, but oh their SINGING. And I swear I was terrified into shouting

Palaeontologist! and Thomas the Tank Engine! as they prowled for suggestions for

heroes and characters for song themes and story lines. Were you that scary as MC? As

for huddles none in our day! Give us a 5 minute huddle and 15 second performance,

wouldnt you agree?

The shows are all a bit of a blur really. Or mebbe itsh the aclohol from de after

show pahty we ave jusht gatecwashed (oops better luck next time, Clive.) Call us

slimey sycophants, but we loved everyone in the speed round. I call Tony Mr

Sluttery you should have seen the way he was sniffing round the Jackie Chan

Challengers after their stonking (or should it be stinking?) perfume He Said, She

Said challenge. Should I ever return to the schoolmistress Anna role in The King

and I, I shall always remember Carlies Angels kiddies Slide Show. Not to mention

their fab singing - you KNOW I was Queen of the Hoedown song .

As for those ladies in the final from Unusual Suspects - their slide show

acrobatics have revitalised my love life. More Karma Sutra than, well , um, firing

cannons. And Nightmare Scripts? Im glad Im resting at the moment.

Dont be so rude about the voting cards. Suns and moons are more respectable than

green and red peppers. Besides Tone and I hid behind ours during the final so that

my new friends wouldnt be able to see us voting against them

Oh. Rather fancy doing a Do Ron Ron with those delicious Raw Music Maestros. Do you

reckon Sandy Toksvig would give us a plug on LBC if we entered a RawActive! team next

year?

What do you say, old timers?

Many thanks to Netty Piper for intercepting that review! And now, back to the script

TWO GENTS IMMINENT!Just a reminder that Two Gentlemen of Verona starts next Monday (13th). Please note that there are no

Saturday performances so the Thursday and Friday will be busier than normal so please book your tickets

for those performances in advance.

In case you've forgotten we're at the Charles Cryer Theatre in Carshalton. There are direct trains from

Wimbledon (costs 1 return!) and the tickets for this production are only 7.

As always, we really need your support to make this production a success. Adam, Pippa and the casthave worked incredibly hard over the last few months to create a vibrant, exciting and funny production

and we don't want it to play to a half empty theatre.

Please try to bring friends along with you. You know our shows are always professional and highly

entertaining and this one's no different! This show is a colourful extravaganza of classical drama,

contemporary music, dance, all wrapped up in some of the most spectacular costumes seen at the Carlton

for a while.

So, pick up the phone, get yourself some tickets, and while youre at it, buy your friends some as well!

The box office telephone number is 020 8770 4950


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Carlton UpdateThe Official Sexed-up Dossier

SUBSThere are still some subs and performance fees

outstanding, so please get your cash in to Carl

Whiteside as soon as possible. Our Finances are

still a bit pale and wan-looking, so pay up and feel

the warm glow of moral superiority.

We can only wait so long before cancelling

peoples subscriptions, and in fact weve had to

cross some people off the membership list!

NEW WEBSITE LOCATIONYes, weve bitten the bullet, registered a domainname, bought some hosting space and configured

our nameserver and uploaded our HTML. By

which, as Im sure you know, I mean CDS now has

its own website, free of adverts, pop-ups and non-

compliant scripting elements.

Of course, this costs money, so any outstanding

subs would be very welcome now!

Simon Harris has been hosting the site on his

own space up till now (Thanks Simon!), and hell

continue to update the new site, with a little helpfrom yours truly. Surf on over to

www.carltondrama.org.uk, where youll find the

new site in all its glory. It looks pretty much like

the old one for now, but its being spruced up, and

you can see some changes already!

If you have any suggestions or requests for the

website, contact the committee!

NEWSLETTER ADVERTSIf youre a member of the CDS, you can have

your classified ad in the newsletter at the franklypathetic cost of 5 for a years worth of

newsletters.

The newsletter is emailed or posted to all the

members of the group, so you can be sure that your

ad will be regularly seen by at least 70 people!

When the newsletters are put on the web, even

more people will see them! They are edited to

remove personal information, but the ads will be

left as is.

Contact the Chronicle Editor for more details. If

you havent paid your subs, of course, you wontbe able to take advantage of this fantastic offer!

COMMUNITY CENTRESadly, Wimbledon Community Centre has had

to hike its fees up once more. This time they have

increased them by 25% to 40 per room per night.

But dont worry, this does not mean another subs

increase. The current rate of 40 still stands. See

page 11 for all the fees.

STORAGE UPDATETrips to the garage are now a thing of the past!

The contents of the dank space are now being keptbehind the stage in Wimbledon Community

Centre. Thanks to Mike Tierney, Aubs Tredget,

Cindy & Jeff Graves, Kate Mitchell, Sarah Hewitt

(& Russell!), Phillipa Cain and Carl Whiteside for

clearing out the garage, taking a load of stuff to the

dump, and taking the rest to the WCC.

It was a surprise to find what goodies were

found in the depths of the garage. If you would like

to know more, contact Cindy Graves, who is your

Committee member with special responsibility for

dusty curiosities. Apart from Jeff, she deals withprops as well!

Work is still afoot to sort out the area in the

WCC with shelves, rails and the like. This is all the

more important because Pippa and Adam, long-

time and well-loved members, have decided to up

sticks and move to the country. This means that we

need to rescue, sorry, move all the costumes from

their attic to the new space, and figure out how to

store them.

Mike is keen to lend his practical ability to the

project and the initial focus will be to prepare theroom with extra rails to store the costumes on.

Watch this space, because a date will soon be

set to get the storage space sorted out, and your

help will be needed.Send all your news items to the editor contact details on

page 11.


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A FETE NOT WORSE THAN DEATHLucie regales us with a tale of an English Country Garden, and of her Luvvie TransformationIf someone had told me six months ago that on a

hot August afternoon actress June Whitfield,

resplendent in a blue suit, would be cutting aluminous pink ribbon tied across my driveway to

open a fete in the garden I probably would have

laughed, then fainted.

To see people actually prepared to pay to enter

past the balloon strewn gate into my once wild and

overgrown garden was quite incredible. My assets

swelled with pride I can tell you.

That wasn't all which shocked me. Spending the

evening before the fete being taught the art of a

baking the perfect lemon drizzle cake by Kirsty, at

a time of the week when we are usually guzzlingpassion fruit margarita's in Eclipse bar, was rather

disturbing in many ways.

But how could I ever have predicted that my flat

would be raided by the local constabulary amid a

raucous giant Jacuzzi foam party earlier in the

summer? To say my life (not to mention the lives

of my once happy neighbours) has taken an

interesting turn since joining Carlton in March is

certainly an understatement. I am actually thinking

of proposing a new name for the group - 'Carlton

Extremely Dramatic Lifestyle Change Society.'Even my mother could hardly speak as she

arrived by taxi just as the fete opened. At last I was

the dream daughter. OK so I may still be a while

away from the 'aga n' babies' life for her liking but

there was a fete in the garden godammit. To her it

was almost as good. She hasn't looked so happy

before or since.

As you may know the fete idea was very last

minute but a tight deadline is something I have

discovered Carlton members certainly aren't scared

of. It was fantastic that everyone pulled together to

make it so special. From Kristen's books, Cindys

CDs and videos, Paulo's silverware, Tania's

bracelets, Val's amazing cream cakes sold byKirsty and Alison, Simon's photographs, Nettie's

logo's, to Kate and Ruth's brilliant fete organising

and running of the bric-a-brac stall. Special thanks

also has to go to Mike Tierney for delivering and

collecting all the tables and for landscaping the

garden in time. (He certainly deserved his

mysterious 'in the lap session' with the vortexhealer)

Also thanks to Jeff and Carl for being such

brilliant bouncers. I've heard they can now be seen

on the doors of Po Na Na breaking up fights andwondering why clubbers look confused when they

only charge them 50p to get in and then only serve

them tea. I have to make a special mention to Alice

and Primmie from the Daily Mail who struck hard

bargains over the lip glosses for such a good cause.

In their own way I think they proved that

journalists do have hearts - despite rumours to the

contrary.

There really are too many people to thank

especially everyone who came and spent money -

creating the amazing total of 440 for Carlton and180 for the Red Cross.

Miss Whitfield even sent a note to say how

much she enjoyed it especially being presented

flowers by the 'wonderful Topaz', she wrote. As

you will have seen the presence of our president

helped get the event onto the front page of the

Wimbledon Post so we have a lot to thank her for.

And the Absolutely Fabulous signed script and her

signed autobiography she donated are to be

auctioned to raise more money. (Carlton members

will have the chance to bid so watch out for futureannouncements.)

As you may see from the calendar the fete is

already pencilled in for next summer so get saving

those books and if you'd like to experience true

spiritual fulfilment before then ask Val and Kirsty,

Carlton's own cake goddesses, for baking lessons.

LM

Thanks very much Lucie for your hospitality on the dayand for that review. More writings please from you and

everybody! Email address on page 11


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"There's Bears in 'ere!"Aided by Jayne & Paolo (the recently returning

team members from the Canadian leg of Carlton

Crusaders' world tour) our 20 intrepid adventurersstepped out into the wilds of Cannizaro Park. Ruth

and Kate, event organisers, informed your on the

spot reporter that this was to be a training run for

Wimbledon Common next April and was close to

being cancelled because the weather was too good.

"I don't believe it," exclaimed Ruth, "it's all going

wrong and we haven't even started yet!"

Armed with the essentials for any outdoor

activity, namely "the hamper", our gang were

confident of a successful outing. After setting up

base camp the rations were distributed amongst thefamished trekkers - "Well it's a long way from the

car park" moaned Sarah.

Once sufficiently filled from O'Sullivan's Ice

Cream Parlour, the group set upon Jeff the more

physical aspects of the day's events. First, a light

warm up with the Grassy Knoll. Unfortunately our

team, despite years of practice, failed dismally,

achieving the paltry high score of 20!

They quickly moved on to other things. Next up

Boys vs Girls Tag Rugby. This gave former All

Black, Russell, the opportunity to flex his muscles.His nimble footwork dazzled the onlookers until

Cindy, Kate and Kathie smothered his talent,

literally. Carl would have been more effective in

this if only he could stay on his feet. The game

continued until the park warden informed the tribe

of the sign stating "No Ball Games". "These

wardens seem to get younger every day", Matt was

heard to mutter. In this case it was true - he was

only 8.Not to be deterred by their first encounter with

Cannizaro's equivalent of a Grizzly, Kirsty, a

former Great British Champion, gave lessons in the

surprisingly difficult art of Frisbee catching. The

girls appeared to be slightly handicapped in this

exercise as they all adhered to Lucie's advice,

"Don't jump girls it's not dignified!". Polite

applause accompanied each successful catch or

trick, Alison seeming particularly enthusiastic,

which endeared the group to the watching

inhabitants.Feeling thoroughly exercised and sun baked the

troupe headed back to base camp for more

refreshment; Mike and Robert immediately helping

themselves to a large portion of the Bishops

Finger. Everyone else got a drink.

Vince, the 21st member of the group, arrived

late in the day with his trusty steed to help lighten

the load before the long trek back.

As the team headed off for a well earned rest the

inhabitants of Cannizaro Reserve were heard to

breathe a heavy sigh of relief safe in the knowledgethat, until April at least, they could sleep easy in

their beds.

CW

Thanks Carl! If anyone has any other pieces theyd like to

see printed, just send them to the Newsletter Editor! Email

address on page 11

PROPERTY CHRONICLEThe Cain Abode - 28 Church Path Mitcham.The nice bit of Mitcham. No really.

175,000 (not, I am sorry to say, 200,000 as certain newspapers

would have you believe)3 minutes walk to Tramlink. 200 bus. Quiet cul-de-sac with park atthe end. 5 mins to Morden Hall & Ravensbury. Wonderful

neighbours to one side and unobtrusive neighbours on the other.Small decked front yard. Long living room (originally 2 rooms)currently decorated with a range of toys and drawing equipment.

Non-fitted kitchen with Belfast sink with window above so you can

view the garden while washing up. Beautiful long garden. decking athouse end, little hills, hexagon slabs with heather in between.Strangely painted shed. Large tower with slide and swing subject to

negotiation with Topaz. 2 double bedrooms with murals by P P

Cain. Large bathroom w/combi boiler & washing machine incupboard. Goldfish splashback. Enormous convertible loft withboarding floor by Mike Tierney (so you know it is done right). All

re-wired and brand new central heating 2 1/2 years ago.You can't get rid of us until one of you or your acquaintances buys

the Cain Abode. Go on you know it makes sense.

2 Bedroom Flat to Let in Colliers Wood1 large / 1 study bedroom. Available mid October. 5 min to Colliers

Wood tube

Hardwood floor in living roomBrand new carpets, new bathroomFurnished sofa, dining table & chairs (negotiable)

Quiet street, not used as cut through.Good corner shop oppositeScooter parking space in front

750 pcm rent (negotiable)

Superb landlordContact Charles Bertram, or Ellisons in Wimbledon (020 85452185)

Anything else? Cars for sale? Children for rent?

Honestly.


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And if we had the chance to do it all again,tell me - would we?" You BET we would!!

Carlton's Diesel Dolly Kate Mitchell tells a true tale of sweat, hot axles and spilt tea."The experience was more electrifying than 'Lock,

Stock & Two Smoking Barrels'; 'The Sweeney' (themovie) and Simon Harris's rehearsed reading

production of 'Breaking the Code' all rolled into one."

Scene 1. - The Carlton's garage, Southey Road.Arrived just too late to witness Trucker Tredget

trying to squeeze his six-wheeler down the alley. I amtold that he made two attempts but gave up when henearly clipped his wing mirror on a drainpipe. I cursed

my own stupidity: if I'd only had the wit to come by businstead of driving my own car then I could have ridden

two-up in the cab of that monster. (I know Aubs is a

sucker for the eyelash, fluttered.) As soon as I spottedthe prince of Perth at the wheel of that big rig Iconsidered hiding my car around the corner but I wasstopped by the breath of Duty sitting on my shoulder

and whispering in my ear. Although my car is aminiature Shetland pony compared to Aubrey'sClydesdale horse of steel the Carlton's china andglassware needed to be transported in a safeenvironment. There was no way I was going to place inperil our cherished set of Skegness 1975 souvenir'goblettes' That was a nightmare I had been woken bybefore in 'The Killing of Sister George'. Note to self:

Pippa's car is an amusing novelty but not as practical asmine. A worthy little runabout for the urban twice-with-

child, Im sure.While the boys tossed - effortlessly - heavy flats and

furniture from garage to truck, I rescued the Carlton'sflimsy porcelain from beneath the clumping boots ofthat big oaf Mike Tierney. The crass brute has noconcept of fragility but let's face it, he couldn't beexpected to. Now, nobody could call me a racist snob

but it is widely known in the Carlton that he is low-bornto a family of Irish tinkers. The unschooled yokellooked over with his cruel, empty eyes, insulted my

clothes and told me off for being late. I seethed and wasdetermined to pay him off before the day was out.Moments later I held out a jar of nails, hung my littlefinger from my lip and said in my 'Tiny Tears (reg'd.trademark Mattel)' voice "Mike, would you like some

screws?". Well! That finished his nonsense. Ha! Youshould have seen his face. I won't soil my screen with

what he said. Later, I passed him a box of light fittingswhich he held before him while moving his hips in theposture of maximum profanity. The sad thing is hethinks it's funny. Mitcham chick Cindy laughed,cheaply. I retained my composure.

At roughly 10:39 Sarah and Russell turned up,hopping, skipping and with no thought for the clock,demonstrating just how much responsibility young love

can lift from one's shoulders. Bless them! (Poor Russell

thinks he has landed a true flame-haired vixen but Iknow she dyes it. Shameless - and no better than sheought to be.) I looked across at Carl, the silent, modestTrojan of the Carlton. He was earnestly getting on withthe job of filling that small but very powerful VauxhallTigra (GrrrRrrrr!) with our more delicate props. I'llnever forget the gentleness with which he arrangedthose two pretty, artificial trees across the folded rear

seats of the deceptively roomy sports compact hot-hatch. It was almost as if a proud father were handling

his sleeping twin babies. How lucky and wise Ruth is, I

mused, to possess such a handsome, versatile andthrust-endowed car. How she must enjoy driving it. Tothe supermarket, presumably - I can't see her roaringaround the country lanes with the breeze in her hair,

somehow, can you? She's no Isadora Duncan whenshe's dancing, at least.

The garage echoed now, vacant as Buddy Holly'sburial plot. As I watched its emptiness shrink in the rearview mirror I felt my cheek moisten. I had sat on a snailthat must have fallen from a bin bag that I leftmomentarily on the driving seat.

Scene 2. The Community Centre, St. George's

Road.Sarah and I made busy with the fairy liquid. TheCarlton's breakables were long overdue a wash and wewere the tea-towel tornadoes who were licensed to

swill. However, it seems that a woman's work is neverdone because no sooner had I snapped on my rib-tippedmarigolds with concentric palm contouring (great forshifting dried-on food fragments - try them!) than I ranround and offered to make tea for everybody. Phew!

You'd think they could at least give me a chance todraw breath before demanding to be servedrefreshments. Bunch of bloody gannets.

I washed and rinsed while Sarah, wiped up andwrote on the boxes. The dear girl meant well but shecan barely write. I don't know how they teach themdown under but she is no ambassador for thecalligraphic art - it was more like aboriginal cave

paintings than words. In walks St. Aubs of ParsonsGreen with his packet of apple turnovers for everybody

to share - so thoughtful and generous, like the warm-hearted father of the family bringing presents home forhis kiddies. Another victim of the Australian educationsystem but he has made up for it since arriving inBritain and now manages to appear almost as bright as

the rest of us.Fran O'Toole stuck his distinguished head through

the tea hatch and sang in his rich brogue "Sure, isn't it a


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grand job the owld Carlton is doing for the Community

Centre today, what with the taking of me junk to thedump, an' all?" I paraphrase because, to be honest,

every syllable that tumbles from his bearded lips is pureGaelic poetry that robs me of my ability to memorise.(My apron was drenched so I didn't dare turn to facehim.) Fran is owed a great debt by the Carlton forinviting us to store all our props and scenery in theCommunity Centre free of charge, letting us avoid 480per year of garage rent. I command a certain amount ofinfluence with Carl and shall be instructing him to makefunds available to send Fran on a holiday. I think 500would not be insulting. Fran is sort of like a Mehmet-type of bloke really, only without... well, I can't quiteput my finger on it. They're the same but different.

The boys gulped down their tea, except for man-mountain Russell who I glimpsed in a Herculeanwrestling match with a 1950s tombola stall as he

dragged it out to Mike's car. No refreshments requiredby the kiwi with a bottomless pit of energy (must ask

Sarah if he can perform haka). Then I saw him bringingin the flats, furniture and beloved props that we seeagain and again in the Carlton's plays. Such a nostalgicexperience for me. Like seeing my drama careerpassing before my eyes on the conveyor belt of TheGeneration Game.

Scene 3. Merton Waste Services, Amenity Way.That scruffy gyppo Mike knows the score when it

comes to working a con. He and Carl emptied his car atthe tip while Jeff, Cindy, Aubs and me were instructed

to find a place to park down the road. Withcharacteristic leadership, Jeff led us from Babylon(Egypt? - check) into the promised land. He found a

handy car park in front of the cemetery, where wepulled in and waited. A very dignified looking car

drove in and the occupants, seeing our car and lorryfilled to overflowing with rubbish glared at us. I was,frankly, appalled on realising that the company I keephad brought me so low. There are few things thatdisgust me so much as showing contempt for a place ofmourning. I rounded on my three friends and explainedin fewer words than this that although we resembled a

Hungarian tarmac gang we should at least conductourselves with the decorum this car park demanded.And so it was. While we waited for Mike and Carl wewore the faces of pall bearers, looking ahead withsolemnity, dignity and respect. Its almost as if Im akind of Carole Caplin of the Carlton. I advise them onmatters of taste and behaviour and stop them frommaking fools of themselves in public, well, those who

will listen, anyway.The boys showed up and we proceeded to unload

Aubs' lorry into the cars and then drove the few yards tothe tip. Apparently, the lorry would not have beenallowed in without a big fee. To be tactful, I sometimesthink Mike is a little too knowledgeable about thewrong subjects and this has impeded him from passingseveral of life's key milestones.

Jeff, having exerted himself looked as pink as a

hairdresser's jeep. I checked with Cindy but shedismissed my concern saying he was fine. "Hmmm. I

think I can guess who wears the rubber catsuit in thatpartnership." I muttered under my breath. On closerinspection I was right! Beneath Jeff's flushedcountenance I glimpsed a wee latex lapel when acooling breeze caught his bold, navy tee-shirt (alwayssuch a strong colour on a man!), moist with the dew ofan honest morning's toil.

Scene 4. The A24.Isn't it pathetic that some people, when travelling in

convoy feel the need to perform gymnastics andathletics with their vehicles? Driving is not a game andshould not be seen as a chance to show off. Detestingone-upmanship in all its forms, I condemn Mike withhis battered old banger, belching black soot and roaringpast Cindy and me on the hump back bridge on Morden

Road. It was a testament to his feelings of personalinadequacy, engendered by his being among refined

company.What perplexes me however, is why Cindy felt the

need to provoke Mike by overtaking him pointlesslymoments before. She seems to want to compete all thetime. Most unbecoming. She is also competitive when itcomes to buying tissues. I noticed that the colour of thetissues (they clashed with the car interior anyway) hadfaded, which can only bear witness to their low quality.I have seen Cindy driving out of the car park at Netto inMitcham even though she has no need to stoop so low.

My charitable streak makes me assume she was merelyparking but not shopping there. Poor Jeff.

Scene 5. - The William Morris, Merton AbbeyMills.

The more responsible road users among us ordered

soft drinks to go with our lunch. Mike disappeared tothe toilets and on returning was wet from head to foot.While I applaud his effort to keep himself clean, Ilament that he has never shaken the caravan-dwellinghabits that still compel him to see every water tap as anopportunity not to be wasted. No sooner had we satdown than Mike began craning his neck to ogle a piece

of tattooed, belly-studded trailer trash at the oppositeend of the pub. Cheap beer and a fake tan held goodtaste a prisoner.

All our food arrived except Carl's and Mike's. Withthe verbal dexterity of a seasoned advocate Carl foughtour case at the bar. In no time, Mike was noisilywolfing down what he called his 'dinner', while gallantCarl waited another 10 minutes for his own hunger for

justice to be satisfied. (N.B. delete William Morris from'Mitchell's Merton' before sending to publisher).

For dessert, the ever-nurturing Aubrey took from histucker bag a delightfully ethnic delicacy, apparentlychewed by sheep shearers, opal miners and jollyswagmen down by their billabongs - salty liquorice.Although I declined, I saw several heart-warming


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expressions of enjoyment creeping across the faces of

those other diners who sampled it.

Scene 6. - The Community Centre, St. George'sRoad - reprise.

With the back stage area cleared of its rubbish theboys set about jigsawing the Carlton's treasures intoplace. While they indulged in macho posturing abouthow to place things either side of an obtrusive bracket Istepped between them, tore it out of the wall with mybare hands and went to the kitchen to make tea. On myreturn, carrying a tray bowed beneath a cornucopia ofdelicacies from my Mayfair ptissier, the job was farfrom done. I managed, while retaining all myfemininity to compensate for the men's manyshortcomings. I rolled my sleeves up, literally! And, ifyou'll avow not to infer crudeness from the expression,

I really got stuck in. In no time I had, while lending

plenty of my own physical effort to the job, steered theCarlton's considerable dumb muscle towards its goal.

Nothing to it, boys!I had such an enjoyable day with my lovely Carlton

friends that I was almost sorry it had to end. But at longlast I had something to contribute to the 'What I Did inthe Summer Holidays' notice board when I was toreturn to the school. Such a relief. Phew!

The foregoing article was adapted by Mike Tierney fromshredded notes taken from Kate Mitchell's hypnotherapist'srecycling bin.

Toby Hardwood is unwell. And the answer to yourquestion is Aha! Wouldnt you like to know?

GET YOUR DIARIES OUT

Please take a look at the Carlton Calendar (on page 11), its time to jot down the whats on.After the final performance of Two Gents (see

page 3), and the costumes are all packed away (but

where? See page 3 again), there will be a period of

well earned rest for the cast and crew before the

next show gets under way. But that doesnt mean

the rest of us have to sit around!

Monday 20th and Thursday 23rd October have

been set aside for play readings, script tryouts,

anything. The rooms are booked, so come down

and make use of them! It would be a good idea to

thrash out some ideas for the Annual Carlton

Workshops, set for Thursday 26 & Friday 27

February 2004. The sooner you can get a short

script and a cast together, the better!

Then, on Monday 27 and Thursday 30 October

its time to start thinking about what items youd

like to put forward for the Charity Gala Night,

pencilled in for March 2004. This is going to be a

musical evening above all, so bring a song in your

heart, as well as on paper. Then everyone can joinin, and bring the roof down!

You also need to get your thinking caps on for

next years major productions too. In a change to

previous practice, this year the Committee would

like to hear from prospective directors about shows

they would like to put forward for selection for the

whole of 2004.

Although venues and times are not yet fixed, we

are aiming to put shows on at the following times:

End of May 2004End of July 2004

Start of December 2004

The selection presentations will take place on

Sunday 30th November, at Lucies Wimbledon

pomme de terre. For details, contact the committee.

As well as all this, your gorgeous & fully

equipped Social & Fundraising Team, Ruth &

Kate, have been hard at it as well. Not content with

raising hundreds of pounds this year already, they

have a number of events lined up.

A Carlton pub/fireworks display outing is on

the cards, so watch this space!

Another trip to the ever-popular KaraokeChinese Restaurant in Morden. A good

chance to exercise your vocal cords for the

Gala Night! This is on Friday 31st October.

A super-fun Bingo & Quiz evening is setfor Thursday 20th November.

And if all that wasnt enough, on 13th December

is the always-fantastic Carlton Christmas Party. Itsa custom that we put on a short panto at the party,

so if youd like to be involved with that, get in

touch with Ruth, and shell fill you in.

So there you go, a busy few weeks ahead. For

more up to date information, check your emails

regularly, and keep an eye on the NEW website at

www.carltondrama.org.uk.

Have a good month, see you next time!

MP


10/12


James Derbyshires Eyebrow

Im sure that no introduction isneeded, but just in case, this is thetalented half of a Carlton duo thathas been entertaining us for what

seems like an eternity.

Hello, how are you? Did you enjoy Raw!Theatre?

Im fine and dandy and yes, Raw certainly raised an

eyebrow (guffaws). No seriously it was a blast. I

think next time James should get some of his other

body parts involved though besides just me.

How long have you been a Carlton member?I joined soon after James. It took around a year or so

of him flexing his forehead in true ham amdram stylebefore I came along! Between you and me, he aint

anything without me!

Were you in theatre before the Carlton?Nope. First time. I was a stage virgin before Carlton

caressed my talent and helped me grow on stage,

woof woof. Seriously though hes so wooden without

a bit of the old Roger Moore going on dont you

think?

What Carlton productions have you beeninvolved in?

Loads. I first raised by myself as Oberon in

Midsummers nights dream. Ah what a night. James

got a right old belt out of the blue from Ruth and

there I was, straight up and in the spotlight.

Personally I think it was because the rest of Jamessface was temporarily paralysed from the force of the

slap. Now he cant manage without me. In fact

between you and me Im thinking of going solo.

Which was your favourite?It had to be Derek in Triv. Jeffs advice with my

acting style was fab, Up and down, up and down, upand pauseand down. Brilliant.

What was your most embarrassing theatremoment?

James gave me a line all to myself in Chorus of

Disapproval, and do you know what?. he bleedin

well took it back while we were on stagein front ofhundreds (well a handful) of paying audience. They

didnt come to see him, oh no. Me they wanted ME!Well we didnt speak or act together for months.

Sorry I cant talk about it anymoreoh the pain of

the memory. Im auditioning without him next week

you know. As Caterpillar 3 in James and the Giant

Peach. Thatll show him if I get it.

Are you rehearsing at the moment? What for?Im in Two Gents as Outlaw Number 8s eyebrow.

Quite a demanding part. No dialogue, just mean

looks. Nice.

Do you have any tips you've picked up aboutacting or directing?

Tips, yeah. Its good to keep fit for long productions.

Ive got my own little bar bells made from cocktail

sticks and 50 pence pieces. I can do 30 reps in one go.

You should see my clean and jerk!

What are you wearing right now?A smoking jacket and cravat. Burgundy with Greensilk lining. Feel the quality. No really feel it. See nice

eh? Ok thats enough. Oi! Get off you perv!

What do you do for a living?I flirt with James clients and lure them into signing

contracts. See, he cant even manage without me then

eh?

What's your tipple? Whats the last film yousaw?

Scotch on the rocks. The Big Lebowski.

First album you ever bought?Shakin' Stevens Best of. A classic. He should have

made it bigas big as Tom Jones. Both Welsh you

know. Im Welsh. Did you know that eh? Welsh?

Yeah Welsh me. Yup, Welsh. Wasnt sure if you

knew, you know about me being Welsh.

Who would you want to play you in the film ofyour life story?

Oh has to be Johnny Depps eyebrow. Brilliant in the

Pirate thing he did.

Describe yourself in 3 words.Blond Hairy Eyebrow.

If you had to compare yourself to a cartooncharacter, which one would it be?

Um. Tough one this one. I reckon Bart Simpson hair.

Do you have any dreams, hopes, aspirations?Yeah, to get of this arses forehead and show

everyone that Im the one with the talent!

If you have any nominations for someone to be subjectedto The Probe, let the editor know at the usual address. One

person will be chosen at random from the nominations. Thosenot chosen will be carried over.

*introductions charged at these rates honest = free,tactful = 5, friendly = 10, glowing = 15


11/12


Carlton Dramatic Society InformationWe meet twice a week, on Mondays and

Thursdays, at the Wimbledon CommunityCentre, St. George's Road in Wimbledon at

8.00pm. After rehearsals (10.30pm until we get

thrown out), you'll usually find us in the

Hogshead pub at the bottom of Wimbledon Hill.

All are welcome to pop in to a rehearsal, or catch

us in the pub see you there!

Weve been running for over 75 years, and we

currently have nearly 70 members - and new

members are always welcome!

Videos of our past productions are available

contact the committee for details.

Heres a description of a typical show week:

Sunday............. Get in and set up in the theatreMonday ....................................Dress rehearsal

Tuesday ............................ First night nerves!

Wednesday .................................Getting into it

Thursday...................................Nearly halfway

Friday ...................................After Show Curry

Saturday............................................. Matinee /

......................................................Final Show /

............................................................ Get out /

.................................................................Party!

Sunday..................That was fun! Whats next?

The Carlton Chronicleis the official newsletter of Carlton Dramatic

Society.Editor: Matthew Petty

Contributors: Netty Piper, Carl Whiteside, KateMitchell, David Cronenberg, et al.

Please send contributions, reviews, adverts, praise,

money to: [email protected]:see opposite

Contacting the CarltonCarlton Dramatic Society can be contacted in the

following ways:

Email [email protected] ................................................Carl Whiteside................................................... xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

......................................................... xxxxxxxxxxx

............................................................... xxxxxxxx

..................................................... xxxxxxxxxxxxx

(NEW!) Website .........www.carltondrama.org.uk

The CARLTONCOMMITTEE

in alphabetical order

Kathryn Arundell ..........................................................Chair

Jeff Graves ...........................................................Vice-Chair

Kate Mitchell & Ruth Brooks............. Social & Fundraising

Cindy Graves...........................................Stage ManagementLucie Morris & Kirsty Collins ................................Publicity

Matthew Petty ......................................................Newsletter

Alison Raffan ......................................................... Secretary

Carl Whiteside........................................................ Treasurer

HOW MUCH?

Yearly Subscription...............40Associate Membership ..........20Full Production Cast Fee .......10Workshop Cast Fee .................5

Rehearsal Tea & Coffee ........40p

These fees are subject to change at anytime.

To pay any fees, just give a cheque,payable to Carlton Dramatic Society, to

the Treasurer, or post it to the address

above, or ask the Treasurer for theaccount number for direct payments.


12/12


Carlton Calendar Your regular guide to whatsup and whats on at theCarlton and elsewhere

Another month, another format. If there is anything missing from the calendar I do apologise my

clairvoyance is affected by the nights drawing in. Youll have to help me out by emailing me any items

you would like to see included.Committee MeetingTuesday 7 October

20:00, Kates~

Two Gents Get-inSunday 12 October

10:00, Charles Cryer Theatre~

Two Gents Dress Rehearsal

Monday 13 October20:00, Charles Cryer Theatre~

Two Gentlemen of VeronaTuesday 14 17 October

19:00, Charles Cryer Theatre~

Play ReadingMonday 20 October

~

Play ReadingThursday 23 October

~

Charity Gala Night IdeasMonday 27 October

~

Charity Gala Night IdeasThursday 30 October

~

Karaoke NightFriday 31 October

Chinese Restaurant, Morden~Committee MeetingTuesday 4 November

20:00, Kathies~

Bonfire Night with Carlton?Friday 7 or Saturday 8 November

~

Carlton Bingo & QuizThursday 20 November

20:00, WCC~

Deadline for 2004 productionsMonday 24 November

~

Production PresentationsSunday 30 November

14:00, Lucies~

Carlton Christmas Party & PantoSaturday 13 December

19:30, Wimbledon Community Centre, Room H~Last rehearsal before XmasThursday 18 December 2003

~

First rehearsal after XmasMonday 5 January 2004

~

Carlton Wine TastingFriday 30 January 2004

20:00, Venue?~

Carlton WorkshopsThursday 26 & Friday 27 February 200419:30, Wimbledon Community Centre

~

Carlton Charity GalaOne Friday in March 2004

~

EasterSunday 11 April 2004

~Carlton KaraokeOne Friday in April 2004

~

Epsom Derby DaySaturday 5 June 2004

~

Bear in mind that the situation at the Wimbledon

Studio Theatre will affect the 2004 bookings. How,

we dont know. Watch this space and the Website.

Documents

Carlton Chronicle 2003 10 Public