Caring for the Caregiver:

The Joy of Being (Good) Enough

Read this special report and learn how to transform the

stress and exhaustion of compassion fatigue into positive

energy by accepting and appreciating the person you really

are.

Copyright © 2019 Karl D. LaRowe All Rights Reserved

The Joy of Being Good Enough

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Table of Contents Introduction ............................................................................ 2

Chapter 1: Compassion Fatigue .............................................. 7

Chapter 2: Enoughless .......................................................... 10

Chapter 3: Enoughless Core Beliefs ...................................... 15

Chapter 4: The Joy of Being Good Enough............................ 20

Chapter: 5 Embracing Self-Compassion ................................ 30

Practicing Self-Compassion ............................................... 32

Chapter 6: Helpful Ways to Help Your Family Member ........ 34

Chapter 7: Conclusion ........................................................... 40

Contact Information .............................................................. 44

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Caring for the Caregiver The Joy of Being (Good) Enough

By Karl D. LaRowe M.A., LCSW International Speaker, Trainer, Consultant, Author www.compassionstrengths.com, www.stressofsuccess.com Facebook: You Are Good Enough

Introduction aring for the Caregiver: The Joy of Being: Good

Enough, is a special report written for family

care givers; the mothers and fathers, sons and

daughters, brothers, sisters and other family members

who care for someone they love who may be suffering

from mental illness, dementia or some other chronic

illness.

This is also an E-Book written from personal experience;

as a family member who is witnessing the decline of a

loved one, as a mental health therapist who learned to

transform his own compassion fatigue, burnout and

depression into increasingly positive and vibrant energy

and as a trainer and consultant who has worked with

over 50,000 care givers on three continents for the last

20 years.

C

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The essence of Caring for the Caregiver: The Joy of

Being: Good Enough, is about how to change the way

we see ourselves as care givers, that will help us feel

better about ourselves and the ones we care for, as we

find the resources within ourselves to provide the care

we feel called upon to give. This basic and essential

change is a transformation in our self-perception from

“Enoughless” to “Enoughness.”

Enoughless is the physical, emotional, mental and even

spiritual exhaustion and sense of defeat many care

givers experience as the result of giving the very best of

who they are every day and feeling like their best is

rarely good enough. It is the continual depletion of their

energy and an erosion of their empathy working with

clients and family members who can sometimes be

difficult, demanding and confusing. It can result in our

asking what went wrong and questioning why we are

doing what we are doing.

As one family member from a recent seminar puts it:

“I was actually quite energetic when I first started to

take care of mom. I had lots of ideas about how we

could get closer and make up for some of the things that

happened in the past. Within months I began feeling

tired, frustrated and depleted. I began asking myself

what in the world was I thinking?”

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Another says:

“I know I’ve changed as a result of taking primary care

of Dad. I no longer talk about it. I’ve withdrawn from

friends and even family. Nobody seems to understand

what it does to a person to put in so much of your own

time and energy to take care of your parent and then to

have him yell at you and criticize you because you had to

leave early one day…It doesn’t make sense anymore.”

Enoughness is knowing in your heart beyond any doubt,

that no matter what the challenge as you are caring for

your loved one, who you are as a person is always,

always good enough. It is the knowledge that as a

person, as an individual, as a human being, your

acceptance and evaluation of yourself is up to you and

is based upon who you are, not just your role as a care

giver or the evaluation of others.

Feeling good enough about who you are begins with

understanding the nature of compassion fatigue and

learning how vulnerable care givers are to absorbing

and internalizing the painful emotions of their family

member. And how, over time, the accumulation of

these painful emotions can lead to stress, anxiety,

frustration, exhaustion and the activation of negative

feelings about ourselves.

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You will also discover how unrealistic self-expectations

can activate and intensify the need to please the one

you are caring for and other family members that may

leave you vulnerable to emotional injury when they are

not met.

As you learn to identify, soothe and transform

unrealistic self-expectations and negative feelings, you

will begin to discover your “positive core self” and focus

your energy on supporting your genuine strengths and

positive emotions. Learning to replace the criticizing

self-talk with positive self-affirmation and realistic

expectations your positive emotions will get stronger

and stronger!

The last section of this E-Book, contains some

suggestions families can utilize to help their family

member and themselves manage the many adjustments

necessary to successfully live together as a family.

As one family member stated at the end of a workshop:

“To be good enough now means to do my very best, in

the best way that I know. I do not need to fulfil the

expectations of others. I just need to do my best, enjoy

what I do and learn about self-care. It is when I am in

my best condition that I am able to benefit my (disabled)

son, my husband and my family.”

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This special report is an introduction to the topic of

compassion fatigue that can lead to Enoughless which

has become one of the central themes that emerges

again and again as I provide trainings, workshops and

consultations to professional and family caregivers at:

www.compassionstrengthss.com

It is also based on the research from our new book:

“You Are Good Enough! Embracing Who You Really

Are,” where we conducted a world-wide survey about

why we often don’t feel good enough about who we are

now available at: www.stressofsuccess.com.

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Chapter 1: Compassion Fatigue

“Compassion fatigue is the experience of being “tired

from caring” for a loved one who requires ongoing care

for a chronic physical or mental disability. If not

addressed it can develop into; “tired of caring.”

- Breath of Relief: Transforming Compassion Fatigue

into Flow

t is late at night and you are exhausted. You’ve just

begun to relax into your favourite chair when you

hear screaming in the other room. You rush in to see

your mom sitting up in bed frightened and disoriented.

She is having another nightmare. She doesn’t recognize

where she is and begins screaming louder as she tries to

leave the house.

You try to calm her down and help her take her

medicine but she becomes more agitated. She begins

yelling at you. The comments are hurtful even though

you know she doesn’t really understand what she is

saying. After several minutes of trying to soothe her she

finally quiets down, takes her medication and goes back

to sleep.

You are now wide awake, upset and feeling confused

and helpless. You feel such sympathy for your mom yet

wonder how much more you can take. No matter how

I

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much you try your best to care for her it never seems

enough. You feel like you are never good enough.

One of the results of this kind of caregiver stress is

compassion fatigue, which, if left unidentified and

untreated can lead to burnout and depression.

Compassion fatigue has been defined as: “The reduced

capacity or interest in being empathic or ‘bearing the

suffering of clients’ and is ‘the natural consequent

behaviours and emotions arising from knowing about

traumatizing events.’”1

Compassion fatigue is a state of physical, emotional and

mental exhaustion from repeated empathic

engagement with people who are suffering. It is both

tired from caring and even tired of caring. It is the

“natural consequent emotions and behaviours” that

often result from the work we do.

It is not abnormal or pathological. It is not wrong for

care givers to sometimes feel worn out, frustrated, even

helpless and angry at the people we try to care for.

1 Compassion Fatigue Following the September 11 Terrorist

Attacks: A Study of Secondary Trauma among New York City Social Workers: International Journal of Emergency Mental Health, Vol. 6, No. 2, 2004

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Warning signs include:

Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and drained

Avoidance and not wanting to be around your

loved one (choosing to work late, daydreaming

about no longer having to care for them, etc.)

A decrease in patience and tolerance

A decrease in patience and tolerance

Angry outbursts that are uncharacteristic of your

behavior

Cynicism and hopelessness

Heightened anxiety

Impaired ability to make care decisions2

For more information on compassion fatigue or to take

the compassion fatigue self-test go to:

http://www.compassionstrengths.com/Compassion_Fat

igue.html

2 https://www.agingcare.com/articles/compassion-fatigue-

caregivers-beyond-burnout-196224.htm

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Chapter 2: Enoughless “A pervasive, persistent and corrosive sense of not

feeling good enough about who we are.”

- “You Are Good Enough! Embracing Who You Really

Are”

ur sense of personal identity is often

intertwined with our role as a care provider;

caring for someone we love who is

significantly impaired can trigger many different

feelings. It can also lead to having unrealistic self-

expectations about how much we should do, then self-

devaluation when we do not perform at the level we

believe we should which can eventually erode our self-

esteem.

As our sense of personal worthiness erodes under the

continual demands and pressure of our role as a care

provider, our personal sense of Enoughness is also

threatened; the less worthy I feel, the less enough I

experience myself to be. As my sense of Enoughness

erodes, the very foundation of my sense of identity is

shaken; no matter how hard I try to DO (good) enough I

never seem to be able to BE (good) enough.

O

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This shift creates a condition in which I must try to meet

my personal sense of being good enough through my

role as a care giver.

We can feel victimized, unwittingly create or fall into

situations in which we are victimized, and/or victimize

others. We fall into a state of Enoughless. As one care

giver recently described:

“I couldn’t see it at the time but all the stress I feeling

was causing me to feel bad about myself. The worse I

felt, the more I tried to do to make up for it. It became a

vicious cycle. I began to see other family members as

lazy and uncaring, I became angry all the time and

started to hate caring for mom.”

The experience of Enoughless is core to understanding

how to transform compassion fatigue. The

accumulation of stress can silently change your

perception of yourself, the person you are caring for

and other family members as well.

The experience of repeatedly feeling powerless to DO

(good) enough can trigger beliefs that you ARE not good

enough.

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In every workshop and consultation I’ve provided, the

issue of Enoughless appears to be key for almost every

care provider who is experiencing compassion fatigue.

From hundreds of personal coaching sessions with

healthcare professionals and family care givers one of

the themes that emerges over and over again is a

hidden inner belief that our personal value as a care

giver and even as a human being is based to a great

extent to how successful we believe we are caring for

others.

The problem with this hidden inner belief of course is,

we can NEVER always be completely successful as a care

giver with everybody all the time.

It is the nature of care giving; to have more challenges

in front of us – than we can ever completely and

successfully accomplish. As another care giver in a

consultation remarked:

“I didn’t realize until now how harshly I judged myself.

Without even being aware of it, I expected to be

completely kind, caring and giving all of the time. And, I

felt this is what my family expected of me.”

The main “mechanism” that develops and sustains

Enoughless is our self-expectations. Because many of us

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become care givers with a strong desire to help the

ones we love that is sometimes developed from our

personal experiences we often expect more from

ourselves than we are capable of delivering.

Enoughless can manifest in many ways. It is most often

apparent in our self-judgment as negative self-talk.

It is estimated that people have an average of 50,000

thoughts per day of which 80% are negative3 .

When we begin to honestly look at the thoughts we

have going through our minds and how often they are

harsh and critical toward ourselves (and at times others)

it is no wonder we feel exhausted, frustrated and worn

down.

Another way Enoughless makes itself known is in how

we feel, our emotions.

When we carry very high expectations about how we

are to perform, or how we expect our family member to

respond to us and our efforts to provide care for them,

we often carry a considerable amount of stress, tension

and sometimes anxiety.

3 Laboratory of neuro-imaging, University of California at Los

Angeles

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This continual sense of being on edge can cause us to

become easily frustrated, angered, sometimes even

blaming others for our unhappiness. It’s easy to lose

sight that our emotions come from us, that they are a

result of our own perception, beliefs and expectations.

These often hidden, inner (Enoughless) core beliefs we

hold about ourselves are very important to understand.

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Chapter 3: Enoughless Core Beliefs “Your core belief is one that is so basic to the way you

orient yourself in your life that you never stop to think

about it… You simply take this belief for granted and

operate from it automatically.”

- Empowerment: The Art of Creating Your Life as You

Want It

dentifying Enoughless core beliefs is not an easy

task. It requires a great deal of courageous self-

honesty and the desire to discover the truth about

how we feel more than defending our ego or the

perception of ourselves we want to see and show to

others.

For me it meant sinking so low into compassion fatigue

and depression that I nearly completed suicide rather

than look at the person I secretly believed I was. And,

this is what is important to remember; the person you

secretly believe or fear you are is not the person you

really are.

Enoughless core beliefs are formed early in childhood

when our parents, usually out of a desire to make us

more successful people, would withhold their love,

praise or acceptance for us until we performed the way

they felt was “good enough.”

I

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For many of us this was a rare occasion! More often

than steady encouragement was at times harsh criticism

and comparison with others with whom we never

seemed to match up. For some of us the cost of not

doing “good enough” could be fairly hurtful and

discouraging.

In some cases, Enoughless core beliefs can also be

formed around traumatic experiences. Sudden losses,

unexpected death, severe illness, physical, sexual or

emotional abuse or neglect where one experiences a

sense of blame and helplessness can form strong beliefs

and emotions.

These experiences, beliefs and emotions can lay

dormant for years until we re-experience them

vicariously by emotionally engaging with a client or

family member who is experiencing emotional, mental

or medical trauma, severe illness and/or loss.

All of a sudden we are feeling powerful emotions, a

sudden change in how we feel, think and act, not

understanding why this is happening.

Enoughless core beliefs are usually at work when we are

feeling trapped, defeated and helpless to change

ourselves or the situation we are in. It is when our

perception of, and reaction to, a person or persons, a

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relationship, an event or series of events is out of

balance and out of context.

They are often triggered by a sense of hurt, shame or

challenge to our self-image or our need to be right. We

often feel a strong urge to defend ourselves and lash

out at those who we believe have hurt us, or, turn the

anger in on ourselves.

When powerful negative emotions are engaged, our

minds are less open to new ideas or a different way of

perceiving ourselves, our situation or others. It is usually

best to identify our Enoughless core beliefs when we

are feeling calm and more secure.

Learning to identify Enoughless core beliefs begins with

self-honesty. It begins with making a conscious

agreement with yourself to listen to your thoughts and

feelings without judgment. It begins with a clear intent

to be as open and honest as you possibly can to

whatever your feelings are trying to say.

Compassion fatigue core beliefs are those often hidden

unrealistic beliefs about how we think we should be

with the ones we are caring for. Even if we know in our

head that they are unreasonable and unrealistic, in our

hearts we subconsciously hold onto them; most of the

time we are not even aware that we have the belief.

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Some very common beliefs that have been expressed by

care givers in my workshops include:

It’s all on my shoulders all the time.

No matter how much I do it will never be enough.

Nobody cares how hard I work, how much I care.

I have to be successful with all my clients (or family

member) all the time.

I must be an outstanding care giver, better than

other care givers I know.

I can't feel good about myself until I am able to take

away all of my family members pain.

As a care giver I should have no emotional problems

myself and should feel guilty and ashamed if I do. I

should not have to ask for advice or support either

professionally or personally.

As you read through these core beliefs open yourself to

sensing whether you have a belief similar to one of

these. If you do, write it down. Give yourself permission

to take ownership of this belief. Intuitively listen to

what this belief is telling you.

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Then allow yourself to journal whatever your thoughts

and feelings are. Do your best not to judge or censor

your thoughts. Just let them out. Be as accepting of

yourself as you can. You are taking the first and possibly

most important step towards the joy of being good

enough.

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Chapter 4: The Joy of Being Good Enough “Enoughness is an expression of our Authentic Self,

experiencing the vibrant energy that at its core is a

passion for living as we embrace a courageous

willingness to actively accept and authentically live our

lives with meaning and purpose.”

- You Are Good Enough! Embracing Who You Really

Are

hat self-limiting core beliefs did you

uncover? How do those beliefs affect your

sense of Enoughless?

The root cause for so many of my self-limiting core

beliefs is that I do not accept myself as I am. I feel that

in order to really accept myself I must have, be, or do

something more, different and better than who I really

am.

Carl Rogers, a famous psychologist once wrote:

“The curious paradox is, only when I accept myself just

as I am, then I can change.”4

4 Carl Rogers Ph.D. On Becoming A Person: A Therapists View of

Psychotherapy (1961)

W

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This means that self-acceptance will never come from

trying to do better in order to feel better about who I

am. It can only come from accepting who I am NOW and

feeling good enough about myself as I am NOW. Not in

the future, not when I’ve done this or achieved that;

NOW.

The paradox is, if I wait to accomplish something more

in order to feel better about myself, it will never

happen.

Think about it. How many times have you set out to

accomplish something expecting that once you’ve

achieved your goal you will have an enduring sense of

self-esteem?

I can personally recall many times and many

achievements in my life; getting all “As” one year in high

school, getting on the varsity wrestling team, earning

my black belt, graduating from college, being accepted

into an ivy league graduate school, etc., etc., etc.

Each time there is the excitement of the achievement,

the sense that I made it! Look at me! Look how good I

am! But after a while the thrill and sense of being

noticed, seen and admired, fades. Doing better rarely

has a lasting effect of being a better person or feeling

better about who I am.

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For care givers this is key, because we are in a position

caring for our family member that despite how hard we

may try, the effort and intelligence we may bring to care

for them, many times we will not be acknowledged or

appreciated for what we are doing.

It is the nature of care giving. There are many factors

that are beyond our control and out of our influence –

even though we may or evaluate ourselves on results

we cannot directly influence.

As one family member recently stated at a workshop:

“I now see why I get so disappointed and exhausted. I’ve

been evaluating myself by how much I am appreciated

by my dad who I am caring for after his stroke. I want

him to tell me how much he appreciates me but he

never expressed his feelings out loud growing up and

he’s not going to now.”

Enoughness is a term I use to describe a state of inner

acceptance of who I am as a person. It is not a

statement about my performance as a care giver.

Enoughness is the result of accepting myself as I am and

knowing that in the overall larger scheme, I am actually

quite average – and being average is good enough.

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Enoughness results in a feeling of calm confidence while

being honest about my strengths and weaknesses. It

allows me the freedom to honestly appraise my

performance without feeling defensive. Knowing in my

heart that I am good enough releases me to do better

without the fear of failure.

Accepting my Enoughness for what I do, does not limit

how positive I can feel about who I am.

In fact, accepting my Enoughness releases me to accept,

love and celebrate my uniqueness. Learning to love

yourself is hard. We are all our own harshest critics.

Somehow society teaches us that it is unacceptable to

love ourselves and to shout it from the rooftops.

Children always remind me of the way life is supposed

to be. Most of us walk around with negative ideas

floating around in our heads all day long, clouding our

logical thought process. "I'm fat... I'm ugly... I'm not

good enough... I'm stupid..." all things that friends and

family have said to me without blinking an eye.

There are plenty of self-help books and gimmicks out

there that seem silly. However, learning how to positive

self-talk is a major part of the widely used practice of

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

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Basically, CBT argues that the way we think alters the

way we feel ... and the way we feel affects the way we

behave. Therefore, if we begin to change our thinking

about ourselves (even if we don't believe our

affirmations at first), eventually we will feel and behave

in ways that align with our new beliefs.

An affirmation is an alternative belief you form that is

more in alignment with who you truly are. When you

begin to shift your perception from Enoughless to

Enoughness you will begin to notice things you hadn’t

noticed previously and gradually let go of the endless

stream of negative self-talk.

Affirmations are more than just words you repeat to

yourself – they are specifically crafted

thoughts/emotions/images that speak to you

individually and are internalized through creative

visualization. They are a reflection who you already are.

Crafting your affirmation

“When you change enough of your core beliefs about

‘this is the way the world works’, the cumulative effect is

massive.”

- Srikumar S. Rao, Ph.D.: Happiness at Work

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Affirmations are:

Written down

Stated in the positive

Succinct

Specific

Magnetic

Stated as if it already exists

About you, not anyone else and always include you

Sample Affirmations

I accept myself as I am – knowing, that as I do, I feel

more secure and confident within myself and with

others.

I am doing the best I know how to do, given the

person I am today and the situation I am dealing

with. When I know a better way and can do it I will.

I am good enough today as the person I really am.

While I will strive to do better in my work and life, I

always accept who I am today.

I can embrace the stresses of my work while

providing soothing and comfort to my own sense of

self.

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I am strong, stable and secure within my own heart.

I can work effectively with others who do not always

agree with me or see things my way.

I am secure and free within myself. While I strive to

create harmonious relationships with others I can

also be true to who I am.

Once you’ve chosen or developed an affirmation that

feels right for you, you will need to anchor the

affirmation deep within yourself so that it will take root

and grow. The way to do this is through creative

visualization.

Creative visualization is another often misunderstood

concept. Like affirmations, creative visualization utilizes

the ability you already use, although usually reactively

rather than creatively.

Reactive visualization occurs when we habitually and

usually unconsciously visualize in the morning how

badly our day is going to go and when something “bad”

happens we repeat to ourselves: “I knew it! I just knew

that would happen!”

We set the stage and then look for the evidence that we

were right. And even when the “evidence” isn’t clear

and convincing, we shape and mould it to fit our

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unquestioned core beliefs rather than challenge the

beliefs themselves.

Creative visualization utilizes the power of your entire

imagination; your visual abilities, your memories,

emotions, sensations, attention, intention and even

your intuition. It consciously aligns a positive intention

(affirmation) with a visual, emotional and kinaesthetic

experience that plants the affirmation in your

unconscious mind.

Like a seed, the affirmation requires nourishment and

weeding. With regular practice you will nourish your

affirmation sensing, feeling and knowing that you

deserve the benefits your affirmation will bring.

By being mindful of negative, sabotaging thoughts that

are still active from your negative core belief, you can

weed the soil your affirmation is planted in so that it can

take root and grow strong and resilient.

To practice and anchor your creative visualization:

1. SIT

Pick a time and place where you can be alone for a

couple of minutes. Sit in a comfortable chair with

the spine straight.

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2. BREATHE

Breathe fully and slowly from the diaphragm.

Breathe in to a count of 4 and out to a count of 5.

3. RELAX

Relax your body and calm the mind. Allow yourself

to relax and release restless thoughts, fears,

insecurities, and doubts. When your mind gets

restless, breathe, relax and focus on a sense of calm

and stillness that is growing inside you.

4. OPEN

Open your mind. Suspend judgment and disbelief.

Allow yourself to accept the idea that you are worth

what you are affirming and you deserve the benefits

of your affirmation.

5. AFFIRM

Choose an affirmation and repeat it with increasing

clarity, focus and intention. Allow yourself to

become immersed in the process of repeating,

sensing, feeling and accepting the affirmation. Hold

the affirmation in the center of your heart for

several minutes. At some point, notice the

affirmation repeating itself even when you do not

consciously try to repeat it.

6. FEEL

Feel the energy, form and intent of the affirmation.

Allow it to permeate your conscious and

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subconscious minds, every cell of your entire being

and surrounding space. Feel a growing a space of

calm, clarity and peacefulness in the center of your

heart.

7. VISUALIZE

Visualize yourself as you imagine yourself to be

when the affirmation has become completely real.

Visualize how you will perceive a usually stressful

situation from a place of calm and confidence. Sense

how you will respond to others and they to you from

this secure place of Enoughness.

8. ALLOW

As you rehearse new perceptions, emotions,

thought patterns and behaviours, allow yourself to

internalize this shift of perception into your sense of

self. Allow a sense of gratitude to emerge as your

inner sense of authentic self-worth grows and takes

root in your mind and body.

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Chapter: 5 Embracing Self-Compassion “Self-compassion is extending compassion to one's self

in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general

suffering.”

- Kristin Neff, Ph.D. Associate Professor Human

Development and Culture, Educational Psychology

Department, University of Texas at Austin

n addition to affirming our good enoughness we

must also learn to be kind, caring and supportive of

ourselves emotionally, especially when we feel that

who we are isn’t good enough. Self-compassion is the

emotional component of embracing, accepting and

allowing our Enoughness.

Self-compassion has been researched by Dr Kirstin Neff

at: https://self-compassion.org/the-research/ and has

been found to be very important in being able to

maintain a sense inner strength and resilience especially

in times of stress. For a short video go to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4

Self-compassion is characterized by three main

elements: Self-kindness VS self-judgment, Common

humanity VS isolation and Mindfulness VS Over-

identification.

I

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When we are experiencing compassion fatigue and a

sense of Enoughless, we tend to judge ourselves and

sometimes others, very harshly. This harsh, negative

self-judgment only adds to our sense of burnout and

negativity. Self-compassion is the act of soothing our

harsh self-judgment and allow ourselves to show a

sense of kindness, patience and compassion with

ourselves the way a caring friend would.

When we are harsh and judgmental towards ourselves

we also tend to feel very isolated in our suffering. We

begin to think that we are alone and are not worthy of

being cared for and helped by others. When we have

more self-compassion we are able to feel more of a

connection with others, that we are not alone in our

suffering.

Lastly, when we get stuck in a sense of Enoughless, we

begin to over-identify with our emotional pain; all we

can see is pain and suffering and begin to feel like that is

all we will ever feel. Mindfulness is the practice of

acknowledging the pain without becoming so attached

to it. As we practice self-soothing we develop the ability

to take a step back away from our suffering as we find a

place of calm and compassion within us. You can test

your level of self-compassion at: https://self-

compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/

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Practicing Self-Compassion

"Self-compassion soothes the mind like a loving friend

who's willing to listen to our difficulties without giving

advice, until we can sort out our problems for

ourselves."

- Dr Kristin Neff

When you notice critical self-talk becoming intense and

intrusive; Pause, relax and breathe. This first step is

perhaps the most important step. When we get so

caught up in our inner negativity it can be very difficult

to get enough space within ourselves to recognize how

much we are being controlled by it.

If you have difficulty calming down and can feel the

tension in your neck and shoulders practice this easy,

simple breathing and movement exercise to help

discharge the energy: https://youtu.be/G71OvpnZMyE

When you feel calmer in your body and your mind has

slowed down, you can begin to As you relax, allow your

attention to go inwards, inside your body-mind. Allow

your attention to rest comfortably in your center.

Place your left hand over your stomach as you breathe

deeply and fully. Allow a sense of comfort and security

to flow from your left palm into your stomach area.

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Sense and feel the warmth and security of gently

holding yourself as you breathe. Imagine that you can

nourish your feeling of internal safety and security.

Place your right palm over your heart area. In the same

way as you did with your left hand, allow a sense of

compassion and appreciation flow to and from your

heart. Imagine that you can actually feed your heart

and emotions with compassion, acceptance and

appreciation.

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Chapter 6: Helpful Ways to Help Your

Family Member ntroduction

Family members of people who have severe and

persistent medical and/or mental illness are often

the unidentified client and are far too often ignored in

the treatment process. The following is a brief

description of some simple approaches that families

may find helpful in working with their loved one.

Low in expressed emotion (EE).

Low "EE" families tend to show a casual, easy going,

relaxed attitude towards their family member and the

symptoms of the illness. They are not prone to quick or

severe reactions, they are not overly positive or critical.

They take the ups and downs of the illness in stride.

They remain balanced despite the family members at

times severe behavior.

Well structured.

These families have clear roles and expectations of each

other. They are able to communicate clearly and in a

timely fashion. They do not "bottle up" their emotions

and explode or act out. They are able to perform

consistently in their roles i.e., as husband, father, wager

earner, etc. They also maintain consistent outside

I

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activities with friends, clubs, churches - they do not get

overly involved or caught up in the family member’s

illness.

Able to set limits.

Families that cope well with family members are

empowered to set and keep consistent boundaries and

limits. While these boundaries and limits are flexible,

they are also firm. Certain specific expectations of the

family member are made clearly and consistently: both

expected behavior as well as those behaviors that are

unacceptable. If the limits are broken, defined and

anticipated consequences follow. What is said is

followed through with action.

Able to differentiate responsibility and blame.

The responsive family is able to accept its responsibility

to the very best they can for their family member

without feeling guilty when even their best may not

been enough; Since the family does not feel to blame

for their family member’s illness, it is free and able to

respond appropriately.

The responsive family has a low level of expressed

emotion. they are generally relaxed and easy-going.

They have a clear and consistent structure with well -

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defined boundaries and expectations. They accept the

illness and are able to set boundaries. They accept the

need for medication and actively participate in the

family members compliance. They have a high degree of

responsibility to the family member and do not blame

themselves for the illness.

The following outline is a guideline to help families deal

more effectively with their loved one.

Revise Expectations.

Our image of others as well as ourselves are surprisingly

resistant to change. Families tend to view their family

member as they remember them before the illness. It

will be necessary to adjust your image and expectations

of your family member.

Ill family members have an increased need for sleep,

rest, social withdrawal and limited activity. They cannot

be as active and involved as they were before the

illness. Families should resist comparing their member's

behavior with when he/she was well or with other

people. Since the illness, a new baseline for behavior

needs to be drawn.

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Create Barriers to Over-stimulation.

Because of the disorganization and internal

preoccupation often evident in people with chronic

illness especially Alzheimer’s and other forms of

dementia, even "normal" amounts of stimulation may

be too much to handle. It is important for the family to

develop an attitude of "benign indifference." Minimize

nagging, negative, conflicting behaviors, allow the need

for "time out." Also don't over-do the positive, strike a

balance. Negative or less helpful behaviors to avoid

include:

Conflict and criticism between family members

in general and with the family member in

particular.

Extreme, or over-involvement, positive or

negative with the family member.

Decreased involvement with each family

member's own social network or other potential

supports beyond the immediate family.

Set Limits.

Again, because of the lack of internal boundaries as well

as disorganization and distraction, precise, predictable,

consistent boundaries or limits need to be set and kept.

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Do not confuse low stimulation with lack of boundaries.

Keep a low-key predictable family environment.

Decide on minimal conditions or rules necessary

for the family member to live at home with the

family.

Set limit clearly without detailed discussion with

the family member.

Set limits before tension builds - be active not

reactive. Don't wait for things to blow-up.

Avoid threats. Try not to set a limit you are not

prepared to follow through on.

Expect to be tested.

Keep Communication Simple.

With the high level of distraction, difficulty attending

and concentrating family members tend to experience,

keep communication clear, direct and simple. Avoid

over-stimulating or overtaxing. Avoid long drawn out

explanations or abstractions. Be clear, concise and

concrete.

Keep assumptions to a minimum.

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Avoid excessive detail or excessive abstraction.

Do not "entertain" the family members unusual

ideas or talk. Ask for clarification when unsure

about what is said.

Express and emphasize positive messages and

supportive comments.

Normalize Family Routine.

The ability to care for another begins with the ability to

care for ourselves. There are dangers when becoming

over-involved. The family loses its own sense of balance.

Over-involvement leads to "burnout," finally resulting in

apathy. The very behavior intended to "save" the family

member results in further deterioration.

Maintain contacts outside of the family.

Social contacts are good distraction from the

constant pain of dealing with the family

member’s illness.

Social contacts counteract the tendency to get

overly involved with the family member’s illness.

Families need to prepare themselves for and

accept the "long haul" of dealing with a chronic

mental and/or medical illness.

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Chapter 7: Conclusion “Alive, exuberant, creative energy is the core of the

Authentic Self that often becomes submerged in the

Counterfeit self. It is the part of ourselves that we (re)

discover as we accept and allow our inherent

worthiness. As we embrace our Enoughness, we come to

realise that who we are is, has been, and will always be

worthy.”

- You Are Good Enough! Embracing Who You Really

Are

he joy of being (good) enough is the easiest and

the most difficult thing you will do.

It is easy because it is natural. It is my belief that

we were born into a state of good Enoughness. When I

observe the natural joy that appears inherent in young

children when that child feels safe and secure enough in

the loving, accepting arms and eyes of their parent or

care giver, it seems clear this is our birth right. It is who

we are naturally.

When we can allow ourselves to accept ourselves as we

are without the need to pretend we are something else,

we experience good Enoughness. It is as easy and as

natural as allowing yourself to be who you truly are.

T

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It is also as difficult as allowing yourself to be who you

truly are.

As a result of the conditional love and acceptance we

received for always needing to do better most of us

have grown up with a core belief that who we are

naturally simply isn’t good enough. We become

convinced the only way to accept ourselves and be

accepted by others is to be better by doing better.

The flaw with this kind of thinking is, it hasn’t worked, it

doesn’t work now, and it will never work. All you need

to do is to honestly examine how many times trying to

gain self-acceptance by meeting somebody else’s

expectations has eventually let you down.

Now, there is nothing at all wrong with doing better. It

is wonderful when doing better is a natural expression

of how you feel about yourself. When you truly get that

you’re a good (enough) person, your motivation to do

better changes. Rather than doing better to impress

someone else or to prove to yourself how good you are,

increasing your performance in what you love to do is a

natural extension and expression of who you really are.

The other sense of joy that begins to emerge with this

kind of self-acceptance is a deep inner-security. You

begin to really understand and accept that you have

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nothing to prove to anyone else about your core value

as a person. You may need at times to prove your

effectiveness in what you do, but that is not the same

thing as proving your worthiness as a person.

When your core worthiness as a person is secure you

are much more open to looking at how you can improve

your performance. You are no longer personally

threatened by making mistakes. You understand that

what you are doing is VERY demanding and even the

most dedicated and experienced care giver always has

more to learn.

You are also more secure in your relationships with

family. As your sense of inner-security and good

Enoughness grows, you are not afraid to appear

vulnerable or not to always be right.

You are more authentic and genuine in your

communication and relationships. This authenticity is

usually perceived by others as your being a “real” or

“solid” person. Others see you as safe and will begin to

share their real feelings with you.

As your perception continues to shift from Enoughless

to Enoughness you begin to realize you have certain

strengths that you never recognized before. You bring

these strengths into the helping relationship and you

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begin to notice your family members have strengths as

well.

As you become more strengths oriented in your care

giving you begin to experience a sense of lightness and

energy when caring for others. Rather than become

exhausted by their struggles and pain, you see this as

part of their journey that you are sharing with them.

As your good-Enoughness continues to grow and

becomes internalized you find yourself in a positive

mood more often. You develop a deep inner

appreciation and sense of gratitude that reinforces

other positive emotions. You begin to experience a

growth cycle of good Enoughness activating strengths,

releasing positive energy and emotions and a deep

appreciation leading to re-claiming the joy you have for

caring for others.

This growth cycle is the natural outcome of accepting

ourselves as we are, embracing our strengths and

learning to increase our positive emotions. I’ve

personally seen a transformation in hundreds of

individuals, teams and even organizations who have

applied these principles on three continents over the

past 20 years.

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There is no need to feel exhausted and defeated.

Compassion fatigue can be transformed. You really can

recapture the joy of providing care for others.

For Support and Information

66 Lintang Bukit Jambul,

11900 Bayan Lepas,

Penang, Malaysia.

Handphone Number: (+6) 012-4251600

Email: dhomepg@gmail.com