By Pat Cook

© Copyright 2003, PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC.

PERFORMANCE LICENSEThe amateur and professional acting rights to this play are controlled by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., P.O. Box 4267, Englewood, Colorado 80155, without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind may be given.

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COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.All other rights in this play, including those of professional production, radio broadcasting and motion picture rights, are controlled by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC. to whom all inquiries should be addressed.

CSI: CHRISTMAS SCENE INVESTIGATORS

Or… Who Stole Santa Claus?

A Christmas mystery by PAT COOK

CAST OF CHARA# of lines

CLARK....................................... student in the Christmas 20show

PHOEBE.................................... another student in the show 16NANCY......................................same 19MYRNA...................................... student with a secret; a bit 24

criticalPUNCH......................................jock in the show on a bet 34JUNE..........................................another student in the show 13BILLIE........................................“apple-polisher” of the bunch 18WALLACE ................................. another student in the show 16BROOKE ...................................same 13MRS. DICKENS ........................slightly tired director 123DUNCAN....................................stage manager 18NELDA....................................... costumer 16BING.......................................... historian of the Clue Club 53KAT............................................ reporter and literary expert for 41

the Clue ClubDOLORES.................................specializes in geology and 35

architecture for the Clue ClubCHET ........................................the logic for the Clue Club 26SUZY.........................................psychologist for the Clue Club 44MR. CRUNGE............................ somewhat sour principal 50MRS. LILES...............................caustic receptionist 11MR. PERTWEE.......................... sentimental janitor 6EXTRAS.....................................as STUDENTS

SETTING

Time: A week before ChristmasPlace: The auditorium of Wendell Wilke High School

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CSI: CHRISTMAS SCENE INVESTIGATORS

AT RISE: The auditorium of Wendell Wilke High School. STAGE is decorated with holly, tinsel and other Christmas-type decorations. ONSTAGE, there is a line of ALL STUDENTS except CLUE CLUB MEMBERS, DUNCAN and NELDA, dressed in winter clothes, locked arm in arm and swaying back and forth as they sing.STUDENTS: (Sing.) Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.’Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la, la la la, la la la.Troll the ancient yuletide carol… (Separate into two groups, ALL with their UPSTAGE hands indicating CENTER, where a SPOTLIGHT now shines on an empty space. As the MUSIC SLOWS.) Fa la la la la, la la… la… la! (FREEZE for a moment, then start looking around and talking to each other.)

PUNCH: Where is he?WALLACE: (Hands on his hips.) I can’t believe this. And we fi nally all

ended together!BROOKE: (Looks into the AUDIENCE.) Mrs. Dickens?DICKENS: (Carrying a clipboard and script, ENTERS down an aisle.)

I’m coming! Don’t anyone panic. Just a second!NANCY: But we did so well that time!CLARK: Yeah, and on key for once.NANCY: Was that directed at me?!CLARK: Hey, if the tin ear fi ts! (STUDENTS begin talking all at once,

saying things like, “We’re never going to get this right!”, “My sweater itches!”, “My mother is going to come to see this!”, “Anybody want to bet we never get this right?”, etc.)

DICKENS: (Joins the STUDENTS ONSTAGE.) I don’t believe this. MYRNA: We broke the line just like we were supposed to, didn’t

we?DICKENS: Yes, Myrna, it all looked very nice. (Calls OFFSTAGE.)

Duncan!BILLIE: We do this tomorrow night!DICKENS: Thank you, Billie, for that bulletin. (The OTHER

STUDENTS roll their eyes or display disgusted looks.)

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DUNCAN: (Wearing a headset, ENTERS RIGHT.) I know, Mrs. Dickens. I got a man working on it! (The rest of the STUDENTS turn to DUNCAN.)

MYRNA: You say that about everything!JUNE: I can’t believe just when we think we have it perfect, something

goes wrong.PUNCH: Yeah! And I just got my “la-las” in the right order, too!WALLACE: (To PUNCH.) How can you get your “la-las” out of

order?CLARK: Well, if anybody can do it, Punch sure can.DICKENS: Leave Punch alone. (To PUNCH.) You’re doing a

wonderful job, Punch.PUNCH: You mean for a jock?PHOEBE: Well, certainly not for a human being!DICKENS: Phoebe!PHOEBE: Sorry, Mrs. Dickens.DICKENS: No, apologize to Punch.PHOEBE: (Reluctant.) Okay, I’m sorry, Punch. You are a human

being.DICKENS: That’s better.PHOEBE: I’d still like a second opinion, though.DICKENS: (To DUNCAN.) Where is he?DUNCAN: (Indicates OFFSTAGE.) He ain’t back here.NANCY: He’s not back here.DUNCAN: Hey, we ain’t in class—don’t give me homework!DICKENS: Well, he couldn’t have just run off. (CRUNGE ENTERS

down the aisle.)NANCY: And it’s “We are not in class.”DUNCAN: You want to step outside?!CRUNGE: What’s the hold-up here? I have a lot of other things to do

this afternoon.DICKENS: (Crosses to CRUNGE.) Mr. Crunge, I didn’t know you

were in the audience.CRUNGE: I thought I had better see how this thing was running.

(Looks around.) About what I expected. (The STUDENTS again start talking all at once.)

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CLARK: We did our parts! I had to learn lines and everything!BROOKE: (Same time as CLARK.) This wasn’t our fault! You can’t

blame this on us!JUNE: (Same time as BROOKE.) My mother is going to see this!PHOEBE: (Same time as JUNE.) I put a lot of time and effort into my

part!DICKENS: (Waves them to get quiet.) Okay! It’s just a minor hold-up.CRUNGE: And what’s the problem this time?DICKENS: Santa Claus is missing.CRUNGE: (After a beat.) What?DICKENS: (Indicating the area where SANTA should be.) At the end

of the show, there should be a life-sized Santa Claus. Here.CRUNGE: You mean, the plastic Santa Claus featured in the annual

Christmas show every year? The old-fashioned one that lights up?DICKENS: Yes. It has to be here somewhere.WALLACE: It’s a plastic Santa Claus, so maybe it went to a plastic

North Pole.MYRNA: It’s so old and beat-up, maybe it went to the city dump.CRUNGE: Now, now. That Santa statue may have weathered a few

winters, but it has been with us since the opening of the school. We must respect the school tradition. (Turns to DICKENS.) Mrs. Dickens, this is getting to be too much. First, there was the problem with scheduling the auditorium between you and the band.

DICKENS: I know—CRUNGE: Then there were problems with the royalties, and now this!

We have a serious problem on our hands.DICKENS: Everything will work out, I can assure you!CRUNGE: You can’t assure me of anything. (To the OTHERS.) I have

no alternative but to cancel the Christmas show unless our Santa is found. (The STUDENTS all react with outrage, with phrases such as, “What? Cancelled?”, “You can’t do that!”, “We’ve been working so hard on this!”, “Why do we need that old Santa, anyway?”, “Why can’t we just go buy a new statue?”, etc.)

DICKENS: (To the STUDENTS.) Everyone, settle down! Please! (Turns to CRUNGE.) Sir, we’ve ironed out all those problems you mentioned, and this is so minor!

CRUNGE: So minor? Someone here has stolen our Santa Claus—committed a crime, mocking school tradition, and you say it’s

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minor? Mrs. Dickens, if we simply let this slide and let the show go on, we are failing to set the proper example. And if Wilke High School’s Santa is not present tomorrow night, students and alumni will be disappointed. Personal feelings cannot enter into it.

MYRNA: (Almost to herself.) Copies of this speech may be obtained by sending in two dollars to—

CRUNGE: (Turns to the STUDENTS.) What was that?!DICKENS: Nothing. Look, sir. What about this? Say we fi nd Santa

Claus. May we then put the show on?CRUNGE: Well…DICKENS: Say we have him here by show time.CRUNGE: (After a pause.) You fi nd him by the end of today, or no show!

(More reactions from the STUDENTS, such as “End of today?!”, “This isn’t our fault!”, “I paid good money for this sweater!”, etc.)

DICKENS: End of today? But that’s only—CRUNGE: I’ll check back later. (EXITS.)WALLACE: Mrs. Dickens, we can spread out and fi nd him.NANCY: He must be here somewhere.BROOKE: Yeah, unless… (ALL look at BROOKE.)DICKENS: Unless what?BROOKE: Unless he was stolen. JUNE: (Thinks out loud.) And that means it could be one of us. (Some

of the STUDENTS look at her.)DICKENS: Let’s not even consider that right now. (Thinks.) But this

is a mystery, all right. Duncan?DUNCAN: I didn’t steal him!DICKENS: No, run next door to the science lab. Find out if the Clue

Club is still holding their meeting. Get them in here. This is right up their alley.

JUNE: The Clue Club?DICKENS: It’s this group of kids that studies mysteries. Maybe they

can help. An outsider’s perspective might do us some good.DUNCAN: Got a man on it! (Rushes OFF.)MYRNA: He says that to everything!DICKENS: Now, everyone, think! (The STUDENTS, each in their own

way, display concentrated expressions. After a pause, DICKENS resumes.) Don’t you want to know what to think about?

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PHOEBE: Ooh, that’d be good!PUNCH: I was using free association. (ALL turn and look at PUNCH.)

I read that in “Field and Stream.”CLARK: I just fi gured you wanted us to try to remember the last time

we saw that Santa Claus.DICKENS: Exactly, Clark. Now, did any of you see anyone else

around it after our last rehearsal? (STUDENTS look curiously at one another.) Don’t worry about snitching or getting anyone in trouble if it’s just a prank. (No one says anything.) Well? (BILLIE meekly raises her hand.) Billie?

BILLIE: I saw Punch around him.PUNCH: Hah?BILLIE: Yeah. He was trying to start a fi ght with him.PHOEBE: Trying to start a fi ght with Santa Claus?! What kind of

animal are you?WALLACE: Yeah, you’re going to get a crowd of stockings full of coal

this year!PHOEBE: It looks like old St. Nick’s already taken enough beatings,

anyhow!PUNCH: Wait, I was shadow-boxing, that’s all!BILLIE: With Santa Claus?NANCY: What happened, your own shadow beat you up before?PUNCH: Hey, I didn’t take him!WALLACE: I bet he could take you, though. (The rest of the

STUDENTS laugh at this.)JUNE: This “Clue Club.” Are they any good?DICKENS: You eat in the cafeteria today?JUNE: Yeah.DICKENS: They fi gured out what the meat was.JUNE: (To the OTHERS.) They’re good. WALLACE: Maybe they took it just to have a mystery to solve.DUNCAN: (ENTERS, followed by BING, KAT, DOLORES, CHET and

SUZY. BING carries a large carry-on bag over his shoulder.) Here they are, Mrs. Dickens. They were dissecting a frog. Yuck, pooey.

DOLORES: You’re assuming. You should never assume.SUZY: We were examining a dissected frog. We didn’t dissect it.

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BING: Remember what you see and what you think you see can be two different things.

KAT: (Changes the subject. To DICKENS.) So you have something missing? Now we got something!

CHET: Take it easy, Kat. Wait until we have some data to work on.KAT: Well, what’s the gig here? (Takes a pen and pad out.)DICKENS: (Turns to her STUDENTS.) First, students, in case you

don’t know them, this is Bing. (BING raises his hand.) Kat.KAT: Ready to go.DICKENS: Dolores. (DOLORES nods.) Chester.CHET: Just call me Chet.DICKENS: And Suzy. (SUZY waves.) KAT: Okay, start from the downbeat, and keep it factual. It’s not a

murder, is it?DICKENS: Good heavens, no!KAT: Hey, I just thought, it being this time of year, I’d have a great

title for this case if it were a murder. Feature this. (Pretends to read a headline.) “Gold, Frankincense and Murder.” Is that a grabber or what?

PHOEBE: You scare me. (Looks at the OTHERS.) Anybody else? (A few raise their hands.)

DICKENS: I guess in this case, we can call you “C.S.I.”BING: “C.S.I.”?DICKENS: Christmas Scene Investigators.DOLORES: (To KAT.) There’s your title. (To DICKENS.) Why did you

call us in?DICKENS: You may fi nd this hard to believe, but we’re missing the

school’s Santa Claus. Made of plastic. (KAT begins writing this down.) He’s about fi ve feet tall.

BING: Traditional size. Sometimes they’re shorter, as when he’s a “jolly old elf.” (Quotes.) “He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.” (DICKENS looks at him.) A quote from “A Visit From St. Nicholas,” by Clement Moore. I handle all the history for the group.

DOLORES: We all have our specialties. I handle geography and architecture, so I’ll check out the fl oor plan. Just give the pertinent facts to Kat, there. She handles all the reporting and serves as our literary researcher.

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KAT: That’s me, all right. Suzy, you do the one-on-ones.SUZY: She means I’ll be looking for motives. My strong suit is

psychology.MYRNA: Well, start on Punch. He’s the one who needs the most help

there.PUNCH: Hey!CHET: And I’ll be looking for any physical evidence. I handle all the

chemistry stuff.DUNCAN: You don’t need DNA samples, do you?DICKENS: (Laughs it off.) Of course not.CHET: Well, maybe not right away.DOLORES: First, when was the said Santa Claus found missing?PUNCH: Well, if he was found, he wouldn’t be missing. Duh!DICKENS: Just a minute ago. We came to his part in the play, and he

wasn’t there. And if we don’t fi nd him, Mr. Crunge is going to cancel the Christmas show.

CHET: Cancel the show, just for a missing Santa?MYRNA: Well, supposedly it’s not just any old Santa—it’s been the

school’s tradition for years and years, or something like that.PUNCH: Yeah, but who cares about that old tradition, anyway? Santa

looks like he’s on his last legs to me.BILLIE: We have to do this show, regardless of Santa! We all get

extra grade points.CLARK: And our families are coming to see the show!PUNCH: And I got a bet going that I won’t go through with it!SUZY: I see. (To the other CLUE CLUB MEMBERS.) I can tell I have

my work cut out for me here.BING: I’ll need a table out here. (DICKENS looks at DUNCAN.)DUNCAN: Got a man on it! (Rushes OFF.)MYRNA: (Yells at DUNCAN.) Will you stop?CHET: Somebody show me where Santa was supposed to be

standing.BILLIE: Over here. (Stands CENTER. CHET crosses to her.)KAT: Do you lock the auditorium up after each rehearsal?DICKENS: Yes, of course. But I have to get the key from Mrs. Liles

at the front desk.

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DOLORES: I’ll check with Mrs. Liles. Can’t do a thing here anyway until Bing gets set up. (EXITS LEFT.)

DICKENS: Look, I don’t see why anyone would want to steal it, especially now.

SUZY: Good point. Why not wait?BROOKE: Wait? What does that mean?CHET: Simple logic. If somebody wanted a Santa Claus for their

own purposes, why take it now? Why not wait until after tomorrow night?

BING: When the show’s over and nobody would miss it.CHET: Exactly. Christmas is still over a week away, plenty of time

for a decoration. (Thinks.) But it was stolen now. (Looks at the OTHERS.)

SUZY: Somebody wanted it to be found missing!PUNCH: There she goes again!CHET: A equals B, B equals C. (Takes out a small envelope from his

pocket. Kneels and scrapes up some debris into the envelope.) Therefore, A must also equal C.

KAT: Okay, everybody in the show, move over to this side of the stage. (The STUDENTS move RIGHT, mumbling.)

DUNCAN: (ENTERS, carrying a table. Places it LEFT.) How’s this?BING: Fine. (Moves to the table and places his backpack on it.

Takes out his laptop computer and sets it up, running the cords OFFSTAGE.)

SUZY: (To the STUDENTS.) Okay, now. How do you all get along?NANCY: How do we all get along?PUNCH: Didn’t she just ask that?NANCY: I was just repeating what she said, you doofus!SUZY: Okay... answers that question. DICKENS: They’ve been very good, have all learned their lines.

We’re all just a little agitated right now, this being dress rehearsal.SUZY: They all volunteered? Auditioned for the show, that kind of

thing?DICKENS: That’s right.CHET: (To DUNCAN.) Are any other props missing?DUNCAN: I… I haven’t checked!

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CHET: Now would be a good time, don’t you think?DUNCAN: Over here, I’ll show you. (EXITS, followed by CHET.) MYRNA: (Yells after DUNCAN.) Don’t you mean you’ve got a man

on it?!SUZY: (Moves to MYRNA.) That’s the second time you’ve yelled at

him. (MYRNA looks at her.) You like Duncan, don’t you?MYRNA: Like Duncan? Are you nuts?! (The other STUDENTS point

at MYRNA and laugh.)NANCY: Myrna likes Duncan!PUNCH: Nyah nyah na nyah nyah!KAT: (To DICKENS.) Duncan is—?DICKENS: Our stage manager. He always works backstage.KAT: Anybody else?DICKENS: Well, the costume girl. Nelda. (Looks around.) Where is

Nelda, anyway?CLARK: I haven’t seen her today. Anybody else?DICKENS: Check costumes, will you, Clark?CLARK: Sure. (Starts to EXIT, then stops and turns around.) I got

a man working on it! (The other STUDENTS, except for MYRNA, laugh at this.) You have a crush on me now, Myrna?

MYRNA: I don’t have a crush on anybody! Yeesh! (CLARK smiles and EXITS LEFT.)

BING: (Now has computer set up.) I’ll have the fl oor plans for the building in a minute. (Looks OFF, then EXITS. RE-ENTERS, carrying a chair.)

DOLORES: (ENTERS RIGHT, followed by LILES.) Mrs. Liles came back with me.

LILES: What’s all this about a missing key?DOLORES: I didn’t say the key was missing. I simply asked about the

auditorium key.LILES: Uh huh. And whenever a student asks questions like that, I

check with the adult in charge.DICKENS: That would be me. It’s okay, Mrs. Liles. I sent her to ask you.LILES: As I told her, I keep all the keys. I check them in, and I check

them out.KAT: And you also see anyone leave the building after school is out,

right?

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LILES: Another kid asking me questions! That’s right. (Glares at the STUDENTS.) And I see each and every one of you leave.

JUNE: (Steps back from LILES.) I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas any more, Toto.

DICKENS: Did you see anyone, say, yesterday, carrying a Santa Claus?

LILES: (Stares at DICKENS for two beats.) No, I think I’d have remembered that.

BING: (Sits in front of the laptop.) I’m up and running. Have there been any renovations to the auditorium in the last couple of years?

DICKENS: Not that I’m aware of.BING: Good. No trapdoors on the stage, then.LILES: Wait a minute. Somebody actually stole the school’s Santa

Claus? DICKENS: That’s what we’re trying to fi nd out.LILES: (Again glares at the STUDENTS.) Well, Merry Christmas to

all of you!SUZY: (To LILES.) You don’t like Christmas?LILES: Huh? No. I mean, sure! I love Christmas. (Nods toward the

STUDENTS.) It lets me get away from you kids for a while.BING: Dolores, you want to see this?DOLORES: (Looks over his shoulder.) Standard proscenium stage

(or whatever type you have), doorways, storage areas… hmm…SUZY: How do you feel about Santa Claus?LILES: We never dated, if that’s what you think.DOLORES: (To BING.) You thinking what I’m thinking?BING: You don’t think it’s too early to run a blanket?DOLORES: As good as time as any. (Louder, as she points at the

laptop screen.) Wait, did you see this? (Several of the OTHERS look in her direction.)

KAT: What is it? (Crosses to BING.)DOLORES: Of course. I should’ve thought about that when I fi rst

got here. (OTHER STUDENTS look at one another with baffl ed expressions.)

DICKENS: You know where it is?BING: (Rises.) Pretty good idea. We’ll get it if it’s there. Kat, you and

Suz stay here.

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KAT: Got’cha. (Moves to LILES.)DICKENS: Bring it right back here as soon as you can.DOLORES: Will do. (She and BING EXIT RIGHT.)KAT: Man, I bet somebody’s going to get in trouble now. (Shakes her

head as she writes in her pad, then turns to LILES.) So, you sure you see everyone who leaves the building?

LILES: I do.KAT: What about right now? People could’ve left while you’ve been

in here.LILES: What? I can’t believe I got caught off guard like this! (Hurriedly

EXITS.)WALLACE: Look at her go!BROOKE: Yeah. You should’ve seen her during the fi re drill.SUZY: (To KAT.) Fire drill!KAT: I forgot all about that. (To DICKENS.) We had a fi re drill earlier

today!DICKENS: Right, but… oh, I see! That could be when Santa was

stolen!KAT: Could be. We’ll know more when Dolores and Bing get back.PHOEBE: But even if you do fi nd it, will you know who took it?SUZY: Why do you want to know?PHOEBE: Look, Agatha Christie, some questions are just questions!

I was curious, that’s all.SUZY: (To DICKENS.) A moment ago you said everyone was

agitated.DICKENS: Right. Because it’s dress rehearsal. And now, of course,

because the show might get cancelled by Mr. Crunge.PUNCH: I bet he took the Santa!JUNE: Yeah, he hates Christmas.NANCY: He hates everything.MYRNA: The Scrooge.DICKENS: Now, I know for a fact he doesn’t hate Christmas. You

should see his front lawn. Covered in reindeer and snowmen—KAT: And Santa?DICKENS: He had four Santa Claus fi gures. Listen, can you work

while we get on with rehearsal?

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SUZY: Might be a good idea. (Eyes the STUDENTS.)DICKENS: Okay, kids, let’s run the Scrooge scene again. Punch,

Brooke, Clark? Positions for Scene Four. (The OTHER STUDENTS move aside while PUNCH, BROOKE and CLARK move CENTER.)

DUNCAN: (He and CHET ENTER from BACKSTAGE.) Nothing else missing, Mrs. Dickens.

KAT: (To CHET.) Dolores and Bing are running the blanket.CHET: Ooh, good idea.DICKENS: Okay, Punch? Start with “Merry Christmas, Uncle!”PUNCH: Right. (Turns to CLARK.) “Merry Christmas, Uncle!”CLARK: (As Scrooge.) “Merry Christmas? Bah, humbug!”PUNCH: “Now, now, Uncle. Surely you don’t mean that.”CLARK: “Don’t I? If I had my way, everyone who goes around with

‘Merry Christmas’ on their lips would be boiled in their own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through their heart!”

MYRNA: I still think we should hang Scrooge at the end.DICKENS: Myrna!SUZY: But Scrooge repents. He fi nally gets the real meaning of the

season. (NELDA ENTERS LEFT [or through the AUDIENCE, if preferred] and moves to DICKENS.)

DICKENS: Nelda!NELDA: Sorry I’m late. I got back as soon as I could. I didn’t know I’d

be this long. I had to run over to the nursing home. I’m helping set up a Christmas dinner there on Sunday.

DICKENS: Next time, tell me. (To PUNCH, CLARK and BROOKE.) Try it again, boys.

PUNCH: Right. (Turns to CLARK.) “Merry Christmas, Uncle!”CLARK: (As Scrooge.) “Merry Christmas? Bah, humbug!”PUNCH: “Now, now, Uncle. Surely you don’t mean that.”KAT: You’re Nelda? The costumer for this show? (ALL stop and look

at her.)NELDA: That’s right.KAT: And you had some stuff to take over to the nursing home?NELDA: Well, yes. (To the OTHERS.) Did I say that?KAT: What sort of stuff?

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NELDA: Just some paper napkins, plates, uh… some tablecloths.KAT: I see. (Writes this down.)DICKENS: (Has been listening to this, then realizes. Turns to PUNCH,

CLARK AND BROOKE.) Uh, go ahead, boys. Start again.BROOKE: And hurry, before I forget my part.PUNCH: One more time. (Turns to CLARK.) “Merry Christmas,

Uncle.”CLARK: (As Scrooge again.) “Merry Christmas? Bah, humbug!”PUNCH: “Now, now, Uncle. Surely you don’t mean that.”CLARK: “Don’t I?”NELDA: I mean, those people have nothing. There aren’t even any

Christmas decorations up. (The STUDENTS glare at her. PUNCH taps his foot and puts both hands on his hips.)

SUZY: And you were thinking they could use some of the stuff from here?

NELDA: Well, yes. (To DICKENS.) I’d check with you fi rst, Mrs. Dickens.

DICKENS: Yes, anything! (To PUNCH, CLARK AND BROOKE.) Boys? (BROOKE exhales disgustedly and he, CLARK and PUNCH begin again.)

PUNCH: “Merry Christmas, Un— “NELDA: (Interrupts.) Phoebe gave me the idea.PHOEBE: Me?!BROOKE: (Throws up his hands.) That’s it! From now on, I’m only

playing sheep!PHOEBE: (Moves to NELDA.) Don’t drag me into this! If you stole

that Santa, I didn’t have anything to do with it!NELDA: What? Stole Santa?DICKENS: The plastic Santa Claus is gone. Do you know anything

about that?NELDA: What? No, ma’am. DICKENS: Well, please tell me if you think of anything. (Turns back to

the STUDENTS.) Can we start again?CLARK: Why?DICKENS: (Frustrated.) Okay, everyone! We have to do something.

Search backstage.

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CHET: What?DICKENS: We won’t be doing any show until we fi nd that thing, so

let’s try this.CHET: But they might be destroying any clues that—DICKENS: I’m sorry about that, but I’m at the end of my rope here. WALLACE: We’ll fi nd it!DICKENS: Also look in the costume and prop rooms!MYRNA: (As she passes DUNCAN.) Got a man on it! (The

STUDENTS EXIT LEFT and RIGHT, some down the aisles.)DUNCAN: Hey, I have everything just the way I like it back there!

(EXITS LEFT or RIGHT after STUDENTS.)SUZY: (To DICKENS.) Mrs. Dickens, just how honest is Nelda?DICKENS: Listen, I trust her more than anyone I know.SUZY: And who don’t you trust?DICKENS: (Leans on the table.) I can’t believe this. This is not the

way to celebrate Christmas.SUZY: Don’t give up hope just yet. We may have some of the

suspects eliminated. (DICKENS looks at her curiously. BING and DOLORES ENTER RIGHT.)

DICKENS: (Moves to them.) There you are! Did you fi nd it?DOLORES: No, I’m afraid not.DICKENS: Then we’re right back where we started from.BING: Not so. We’re a lot further along now.DICKENS: What did you fi nd?DOLORES: It’s what we didn’t fi nd that matters. (Looks around.)

Where is everybody?CHET: Running amok! (Indicates BACKSTAGE.) I better check and

make sure they don’t wreck everything. (EXITS RIGHT.)BING: You know, Mrs. Liles wasn’t totally honest with us.DICKENS: What? How do you know?BING: There have to be others with keys to this room and the

building. DOLORES: Oh, right. There’s the night watchman, for one.BING: And I was thinking about the janitor.DOLORES: Oh, we just saw Mr. Pertwee out in the hall. BING: Go get him, will you, Doe?

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DOLORES: Be right back. (EXITS LEFT.)DICKENS: You don’t need to worry about the night watchman. He’s

out of town. Left yesterday on the morning bus.KAT: And the Santa was here for yesterday’s rehearsal?DICKENS: That’s right, yes. (A CELL PHONE RINGS.) Hang on.

(Pulls the phone from her purse.)SUZY: Why would a night watchman or a janitor want a Santa

Claus?KAT: That’s your job—you tell us.DICKENS: (Into her phone.) Hello? Oh, hi, Mom. No, still here at

school. I’ll be there day after tomorrow. (Sees the CLUE CLUB MEMBERS watching her and turns away.) Mom, we’ve already been through this. I can’t be there tomorrow. No, I have the Christmas show, I told you. The day after tomorrow!

BILLIE: (She and NANCY ENTER RIGHT, carrying a scarecrow.) Mrs. Dickens, we found this! Maybe we can dress it up in red and stick a beard on him!

DICKENS: (Waves them away.) No, no, that won’t fool the old goat.NANCY: Thought it was worth a shot. (She and BILLIE EXIT

RIGHT.)DICKENS: (Into the phone.) No, Mom, I don’t mean you, I was

talking to… Mother! Look, now’s not a good time. I’ll call you later. That’s right. Bye. (Pushes a button, closes up the phone and puts it back in her purse. Looks at the OTHERS.) I know that might look suspicious.

KAT: You mean, say, if you stole the Santa Claus because you knew Principal Crunge would call off the show, which would allow you to leave school a day early and be at your Mom’s by tomorrow?

DICKENS: Yes.KAT: Never entered my mind.DOLORES: (ENTERS LEFT with PERTWEE.) Here’s Mr. Pertwee.PERTWEE: Is there another clean-up in here? I hope somebody

didn’t get sick after today’s lunch. What was that meat, anyway?DICKENS: (Moves to PERTWEE.) The thing is, Mr. Pertwee, we

can’t fi nd our Santa Claus. The one the school has used in every Christmas show since the beginning of time.

PERTWEE: You mean, at the end of the show, where the kids are singing “Deck the Halls”?

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DOLORES: You know about that?PERTWEE: Sure. I’ve been watching rehearsals. (Looks at

DICKENS.) DICKENS: Have you seen that Santa Claus?PERTWEE: Not since yesterday. I hope you don’t mind my watching—

I just love this time of year. Reminds me of when I was a kid.SUZY: You really love Christmas, then?PERTWEE: (Grows nostalgic.) Well, sure. I mean, who doesn’t?

(CLARK, NANCY and PHOEBE ENTER from OFFSTAGE, stand and listen. BILLIE and WALLACE join them.) We spend all the year just trying to get by, you know? People always in a hurry, always rushin’ around, pushin’ each other. But Christmas time comes and, well, I don’t know—everyone smiles more and goes out of their way to help other folks. (MYRNA, PUNCH, BROOKE and JUNE ENTER from the other side of the STAGE and also listen to PERTWEE.) There’s a lot more color and decorations around. Ever’where! Here, in town, in folks’ homes. It’s like the whole world stops and takes a breath, looks around and says it’s time to think about other people, families and like that. So, I like to hear the songs and watch the kids. And with Santa coming on at the end of the show—when it lights up, that’s kinda like how I feel inside. ’Cause Christmas isn’t just all that outside stuff, you know? It’s in here. (Taps his heart.) So I try to work it so I can watch your rehearsals, Mrs. Dickens. I hope that’s all right.

DICKENS: No, that’s just fi ne, Mr. Pertwee. That’s very nice, in fact. PERTWEE: Yes, ma’am. I’ll let you know if I do see good ol’ Santa.KAT: Please do. (PERTWEE EXITS. The STUDENTS move to

DICKENS.)JUNE: Wow! That was so sweet, so…CLARK: Now that guy really has the spirit of Christmas.PUNCH: Who’d’ve believed it from a guy like that?MYRNA: You nimrod, Christmas is for everyone.BILLIE: Sure makes me feel sort of…SUZY: Sort of what?BILLIE: Well, selfi sh. Here we’re doing this really nice Christmas

show, with all that color and spirit, like Mr. Pertwee said, and all I thought about was that I would get extra credit for doing it.

DICKENS: And now?

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BILLIE: Now? Hey, this show is for the whole school, not just for me. (A few of the OTHERS voice agreement.)

JUNE: He gave us all a lot to think about. Here some of us are doing it just because we’re showing off for our families…

PUNCH: Or we’re doing it on account’a we made a bet.MYRNA: Or maybe because we want to be with someone special.WALLACE: I told you she had the hots for Duncan! (Some of the

OTHERS laugh.)JUNE: (Suddenly desperate.) Mrs. Dickens, we really have to do this

show!DICKENS: We will! (The STUDENTS cheer her.) Santa Claus or no

Santa Claus, we’ll do this show! (From the back of the auditorium, we hear CRUNGE [or he may be backstage if need be].)

CRUNGE: What was that? (Moves to the STAGE.)CLARK: We didn’t say nothin’! (BILLIE swats him on the arm.)DICKENS: I said we’re going to do the Christmas show!CRUNGE: Good, glad to hear it. (Gets ONSTAGE, looks around.)

Where’s our Santa Claus?DICKENS: Well, that’s the thing... we haven’t found him.NANCY: We got a scarecrow! (CRUNGE looks at her.)DICKENS: I can’t believe, just because Santa was misplaced—CRUNGE: Misplaced?! (Looks at the OTHERS.) Or stolen? I mean,

we have to remember our priorities. Now, I don’t want to be Scrooge here—

CLARK: Good, they’d never get to your part.CRUNGE: Tradition is tradition. We can’t do the show without Santa.BING: (Hand up.) Principal Crunge, may I ask you some questions?CRUNGE: Yes, of course.DICKENS: They’re conducting an investigation. (CRUNGE looks at

her curiously.) Into the disappearance of Santa.CRUNGE: Oh?SUZY: (Moves to CRUNGE.) Sort of an indoor fi eld trip. During

Career Day, which you put together last fall, we decided to go into police work. (Looks at the OTHERS.)

KAT: (Catches on.) Uh… that’s right. And this is our lab project. Yeah!

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DOLORES: (To CRUNGE.) I know how much you value experience.CRUNGE: The best teacher there is!BING: Exactly. Well, we’re turning this into a working problem.CRUNGE: Taking lemons and making lemonade.KAT: That’s the idea. (To BING.) The man talks in clichés.BING: Now, in any investigation, all the witnesses must be questioned.

I’m sure you can see that.CRUNGE: Certainly. Oh! And I’m one of the witnesses! Excellent.

Fine, fi ne. What questions do you have for me?BING: What… what questions do we have… for you? (Looks at the

OTHERS.) DOLORES: What, uh… what, uh…KAT: What’s your hat size?CRUNGE: What?SUZY: Hey, these are standard questions. We ask them of

everybody.CRUNGE: You mean to tell me that somebody stole Santa and left

their hat?KAT: Hey, if we understood everything, we’d have it solved!CRUNGE: I don’t wear a hat! Are there any real questions? (The

CLUE CLUB MEMBERS look at one other.) If not, I have to go and make the announcement that the show has been cancelled. (Starts to move away.)

BROOKE: Mr. Crunge, please don’t cancel the show! (OTHERS voice their agreement with BROOKE.)

MYRNA: It’s such a wonderful production!BILLIE: It’s not just for us, you understand.CRUNGE: (Stops and looks at her.) What?WALLACE: She means that the show is for all the kids! Each and

every one of them. And our families, too.NANCY: They look forward to it!PHOEBE: And it’s our way of giving of ourselves. It’s our gift to

them!PUNCH: Yeah, free association! (ALL turn to PUNCH.) I’m going to

keep using that until I fi nd a spot for it!CRUNGE: I had no idea you all felt like that. (Several of the

STUDENTS nod and agree, with phrases, such as “Well, we do!”,

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“That’s right!”, “You tell him, Brooke.”, etc.) But what about Wilke’s Santa Claus? I simply can’t imagine an adequate substitute for our St. Nick—this isn’t just about Christmas spirit, it’s about school spirit and tradition.

NELDA: (ENTERS from BACKSTAGE with a Santa Claus costume.) Hey, everyone, look what I found! (ALL turn and look at the suit as she holds it up.)

PUNCH: Oh, no! He melted! (The other STUDENTS turn to him and give him disgusted looks.)

WALLACE: No, that’s just a Santa suit!PUNCH: So, now he’s running around naked?BILLIE: No, silly, our Santa doesn’t wear a real suit—it’s painted on.DICKENS: (Moves to NELDA.) Where did you fi nd this?NELDA: It was in a box marked “Slay Suit.” Only “Slay” was spelled

S-L-A-Y. CRUNGE: (To BING.) And people wonder why I’m losing my hair.BING: You want us to work on that?DOLORES: Yeah, where did you last see it? (CRUNGE shoots them

a wary look. CHET and DUNCAN ENTER from BACKSTAGE.)NELDA: This suit must be left over from last year when the elementary

school used our auditorium for their show.CRUNGE: But you still haven’t found our Santa?NELDA: Well, we’re still looking and—CRUNGE: That’s all I want to know. (NELDA EXITS, disheartened. To

DICKENS.) I’d better make that announcement now.DICKENS: But you said we had till the end of the day.CRUNGE: It is the end of the day. It’s almost fi ve right now. (Some

STUDENTS start protesting with phrases such as, “Give us a little more time!”, “Why do we need that old statue anyway?”, “We really want to do this show!”, etc.) No, I’ve made up my mind. The whole idea of Christmas is—

SUZY: Is spiritual. Feeling and taking joy in the season. And giving. Just as they said.

CRUNGE: That’s very nice, but unless you know who’s the culprit here and—? (Suddenly, BING steps forward.)

BING: We do! (ALL turn to him in disbelief.)CHET: We do?

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BING: (To CRUNGE.) A moment for us to compare our notes, sir? CRUNGE: (Nods.) Make it a brief moment.BING: Right. (Motions to CHET, DOLORES, SUZY and KAT, who

join him as they move over to the computer. SUZY sits behind the computer.)

DICKENS: And you said if this is cleared up, we can do the show.CRUNGE: Let’s fi nd out what they come up with. I’m curious to see this.CHET: (To BING.) He’s got a point. (Quietly, so the STUDENTS can’t

hear.) What’re you doing?BING: Look, we know what we know. We have to go with that.DOLORES: (Shakes her head.) It’s inconclusive, no corroboration,

we haven’t worked out all the links—KAT: Plus, I’m not sure what we know.SUZY: But we have found out… Wait. (Turns and types something on

the laptop. The OTHERS look at the screen.)DOLORES: I don’t know. What if we— (Leans over and types

something.)CHET: (Shakes his head.) Risky, risky.BING: We could—CHET: Only if—DOLORES: And the blanket—SUZY: Plus the other—WALLACE: It’s like they have their own language.CLARK: Just as long as they come in peace. (MYRNA nudges him

and giggles.)BING: Let’s just see where the evidence takes us, right?CHET: Okay, go with it, man. You got the ball.BING: (To CHET.) You, too.CHET: Okay. (Shakes his head as if to clear it. The CLUE CLUB

MEMBERS move to the OTHERS.)BING: Okay. We’ll now tell you what we have.CRUNGE: And this better be good.BROOKE: I get the feeling we’re all on trial here.MYRNA: Yeah, Big Brother is watching you.DICKENS: Now, why are you talking like that?

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CHET: I think it’s because Principal Crunge is here.CRUNGE: What?CHET: (Looks at BING, who nods at him. Moving to CRUNGE.) Sir, if

you don’t mind, I think we could proceed more easily if you weren’t here.

CRUNGE: What? I don’t see how—CHET: (Confi dentially.) I think the kids will feel freer to talk if we’re

backstage.SUZY: And Chet has some more questions for you, as well.CRUNGE: Oh, I can just imagine. (Looks at CHET.) You want to

know my shoe size?CHET: (Glances at his feet.) Ten and a half. Now, if you don’t mind,

sir? (Indicates the BACKSTAGE area and CRUNGE EXITS. As he EXITS.) Now, about that particular shoe, my father has shoes like that, and I was just wondering… (He’s OUT.)

DOLORES: (To KAT.) He’s doing “Columbo.”BING: (Moves to DICKENS.) Mrs. Dickens, here’s the thing—DICKENS: You know who did it? (BING starts to speak.) This is the

part I’ve been dreading. I’m not sure I want to know who did it.SUZY: That’s quite natural. Human nature.DICKENS: Is it human nature to hope for the best in everyone?SUZY: I’m afraid not. I think that’s just one of the special things about

you. BING: Why don’t we tell you whom we’ve eliminated? (DICKENS is

still undecided.) That’s the way they do it on television and in all the movies.

DICKENS: (After taking a deep breath.) Okay. Go ahead.BING: (Looks at the STUDENTS, who all take a step forward, in

unison.) I think you should know you’ve been a great help.NANCY: We have?PHOEBE: But we didn’t do anything.DOLORES: Exactly. And that’s how you helped.BING: And, if we’re right, this may be a fi rst.DICKENS: How?BING: You know how it’s always the last one you suspect?DICKENS: Right.

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BING: This time is was the fi rst one. (Turns and looks at the STUDENTS, who all take one step back, in unison.)

PUNCH: I was just shadow-boxing!DOLORES: (To SUZY.) I think we are, too.BING: I’m not talking about you.PUNCH: Oh, great! Then I’m not a suspect?BING: I didn’t say that, either.CLARK: Punch, you ever think of becoming a mime?SUZY: We’re talking about the cast as a group. I was interested in fi nding a motive. Well, I guess you could say I found a lot of them. We heard that some of you are doing this show because you told someone else you were in it. Or you had a bet. Or you got extra credit, and on and on.

BILLIE: Well, that’s true. But that’s not why we want to do the show now!

SUZY: But that may play an important part in this. I’m talking about before today’s rehearsal. None of you seemed interested in Christmas, the day, the season and the feelings that go with it. However, you all had motives for doing the show. In other words, you all wanted to do the show for one reason or another. Why, then, would any of you jeopardize it by stealing the Santa Claus?

PUNCH: So I am eliminated! (CLARK hits him on the shoulder.) I’ll shut up.

DICKENS: And that’s all? That’s the only reason you don’t think any of them did it?

SUZY: Well, no. We had to be sure.BING: That’s why we ran the blanket.MYRNA: And what is the blanket?DOLORES: It’s a way to blanket a whole group of suspects in one

move. See, I pretended to fi nd a place where we were sure that Santa Claus would be hidden. Then Bing and I left to retrieve it.

KAT: And we stayed here to watch everyone else.DOLORES: (To DICKENS.) If one of them was the guilty party, we fi gured they’d make some excuse and leave. Then, getting to their hiding place, move the Santa somewhere else.

KAT: (Looks at the OTHERS.) But nobody left.WALLACE: That’s what you meant when you said we helped you by

doing nothing!

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SUZY: Not hard and fast evidence, but certainly corroboration.DICKENS: Then you think it was someone who’s not in the cast?BING: Seems that way. (Moves BACK and looks into the wings.)PHOEBE: Well, I’m happy it’s not one of us.MYRNA: Can’t you just tell us who did steal the statue?KAT: You have to see how the magic works fi rst, okay?DOLORES: This way, you can see our reasoning—how we came to

our solution.NANCY: But can’t you explain it later and just tell us now who did it?BING: (Calls OFF.) Nelda? NANCY: Nelda! DICKENS: I don’t believe it.NELDA: (ENTERS from BACKSTAGE.) Uh… yes?BING: You said you took stuff over to a nursing home, right?NELDA: That’s right. But—BING: (To the OTHERS.) Okay. (Yells OFFSTAGE again.) Duncan?DUNCAN: (ENTERS from BACKSTAGE.) What?BING: You said that none of the other props were missing, in fact,

nothing other than the Santa Claus, is that right?DUNCAN: Near as I can tell, yeah.SUZY: (To the OTHERS.) This is why we don’t think Nelda took it.DICKENS: You don’t think it’s her.SUZY: In cases like this, the perpetrator usually tries to take some

small items fi rst—BING: A test run, sometimes, to try their luck.DICKENS: Sort of a dress rehearsal?SUZY: Ooh, good comparison.DOLORES: Also Nelda’s been working on the costumes for the show.

Why would she want to pull a stunt like this? Risk the show for one statue?

KAT: Plus, she said she was going to ask you about borrowing the Santa after the show was over. And, by your own admission, she’s very honest.

DICKENS: That’s right. (Smiles at NELDA.) She is.NELDA: Thank you, Mrs. Dickens.

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DOLORES: And Duncan is eliminated for much the same reasons. He’s been working on getting the show up and running why would he do it?

BROOKE: Wait. You’ve said it’s nobody in the cast and nobody backstage, right? Then who does that leave?

SUZY: Just four suspects. Including, I’m afraid… (Turns to DICKENS.)

DICKENS: Me?SUZY: I’m afraid so.DICKENS: But I didn’t take it. I’ve been working on the show and—BING: (Quickly moves DOWNSTAGE.) Now, now, there’s no need to

alarm anyone here. SUZY: We have an idea. This might solve everything, if you’ll just

humor us.MYRNA: You want us to tell you a joke?BING: No. (To DICKENS.) We want you to reenact the crime.DICKENS: Oh, you mean like they do in television and in the movies?SUZY: Right. Run that song—the one that has the Santa at the end.WALLACE: What good will that do? It’s still missing.KAT: As Sherlock Holmes once said, “I know it must be here because

I know it could be nowhere else.”DICKENS: Well, we’re not doing anything else. KAT: (To the CLUE CLUB MEMBERS.) Everybody keep your fi ngers

crossed.DICKENS: Okay. (Turns to the STUDENTS.) For what it’s worth.

Everybody in place for the fi nale. (The STUDENTS move into position.)

BILLIE: You want the whole song?BING: I think just the fi nal stanza. (To the CLUE CLUB MEMBERS.)

Folks, let’s get out of the way. (Moves LEFT, followed by SUZY, DOLORES and KAT. From there they watch the show.)

DICKENS: Okay, kids, just take it from the last “Deck The Halls,” and follow through to the end. (The STUDENTS are now in position.) Duncan?

DUNCAN: Oh, right! (Sprints OFFSTAGE.)DICKENS: Let me know when you’re cued.DOLORES: (To BING.) What do we do if this doesn’t work?SUZY: Then we’re wrong.

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KAT: Wash your mouth out!DUNCAN’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE.) Ready.DICKENS: Hit the music. (The MUSIC begins.)STUDENTS: (Sing.) Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.’Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la, la la la, la la la.Troll the ancient yuletide carol… (Separate into two groups, ALL with their UPSTAGE hands indicating CENTER, where a SPOTLIGHT now shines. As the MUSIC SLOWS.) Fa la la la la, la la… la… la! (CRUNGE, now dressed as Santa Claus, EMERGES from behind the curtains with his hands held out in a welcoming gesture. In unison.) Huh?

DICKENS: Principal Crunge! (CHET ENTERS from BACKSTAGE and moves to the other CLUE CLUB MEMBERS. DICKENS moves to CRUNGE.)

BILLIE: Principal Crunge! You’re going to be the Santa?MYRNA: Wow, that’s so nice! (Agreement from some of the

OTHERS.)DICKENS: Wait a minute, sir. I’m confused. First, you’re all gung ho

to cancel the show, and now you show up to save it?CRUNGE: I know. And I have something else to say. I was wrong. DICKENS: You? Were wrong?CRUNGE: And I wish to apologize to the whole cast for that.BROOKE: The principal is apologizing? To us?PUNCH: (Both hands on his head.) My world doesn’t make sense

anymore!CRUNGE: See, I thought none of you cared for Christmas, and that

you were doing this show for all the wrong reasons. All I heard all week was that somebody was getting credit for this, and somebody wanted to be with somebody else—no one talking about the real reason for doing the show. No Christmas spirit. But, when I came back here today, I heard differently. You were saying things like you wanted to make this show as your gift to the rest of the school. I hadn’t heard any of that before. And for that, I apologize.

DICKENS: Oh. (Turns to the STUDENTS.) And don’t any of you have anything to say to Principal Crunge?

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MYRNA: Like what?BILLIE: Thank you?NANCY: We appreciate it?BROOKE: Your shoe’s untied?DICKENS: And—? (STUDENTS looks at one another.) And that you

were wrong as well.CLARK: She’s right, Mr. Crunge. Maybe, at fi rst— (Looks at the

OTHERS and then back to CRUNGE.) we did do it for all the wrong reasons.

JUNE: But we realize we were wrong. We believe in this show and all it stands for!

WALLACE: All the joy and happiness. Like… like…BILLIE: (Remembers.) Like the whole world stops and takes a

breath, looks around and says it’s time to think about other people, families and like that.

CRUNGE: Yeah. That’s the way I feel. BING: Now, for the tricky part. (The CLUE CLUB MEMBERS move to

CRUNGE.) About the missing Santa Claus, we thought— CRUNGE: (Holds up a hand and nods to BING.) I’ll bring it back.DICKENS: (Shocked.) You took it?CRUNGE: During the fi re drill. (The STUDENTS look at him curiously.)

I’m sorry, kids. Like I said, I was wrong. You’ll have your Santa by tomorrow night.

DICKENS: Why would you do something like this?CRUNGE: I just couldn’t let the show happen when your hearts

weren’t in it. That would be an even bigger disappointment to the school. But now the important thing is, the show will go on! (EVERYONE cheers.)

NANCY: (Thinks.) I have a great idea. (To CRUNGE.) If you play Santa for the fi nale, we can set up the old Santa next to the auditorium entrance to welcome students and alumni to the celebration. He’ll still light up the night!

BILLIE: Yeah—that way, we can preserve tradition. Our old Santa will still be part of the show, just not the star of it.

DICKENS: I think that’s an excellent idea, Nancy.MYRNA: That’s a superb idea!BING: You do look smashing in that suit, Mr. Crunge.

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PUNCH: Ten times better than the old Santa! (ALL ad-lib agreement.)CRUNGE: (Checks the fi t.) You really think I’d make a better Santa

Claus than our plastic St. Nick?DICKENS: More than you know, sir.CRUNGE: Archibald.DICKENS: (Smiles.) Archibald.CRUNGE: (Considers.) Well, our old St. Nick was just about down to

his last nick. (Smiles at his own pun. STUDENTS register surprise at his cheerfulness. Pause.) Perhaps it’s time to change that old tradition and make a new one. (EVERYONE cheers.) But what I want to know… (Moves to CHET.) …is how you fi gured out it that I was the one who took it?

BING: You see, sir, it had to be you, no disrespect intended.CRUNGE: How so?SUZY: As I was going to say, we had four suspects left. Well, Mr. Pertwee

loved the show so much, we eliminated him right off the bat.DOLORES: And that left three suspects—you two and Mrs. Liles.KAT: Both ladies would benefi t if the show was cancelled. Mrs. Liles

would get rid of the kids earlier, and you could meet your mom.DICKENS: Right. So how did you deduce it wasn’t either of us?BING: Because of the crime itself. I mean, such a small thing.CHET: One prop taken from one song in the whole show. How could

either of you expect, if you had taken it, that this would cause the show to be cancelled?

BING: No, only one person would have the power to cancel the show for something so minor. (Turns to CRUNGE.) And that led us to you. (CRUNGE laughs at this.)

NANCY: He laughed. Principal Crunge laughed!PUNCH: It’s a miracle! CRUNGE: (Puts an arm around PUNCH’S shoulders.) And a Merry

Christmas to us all! (Sings the fi nal line to the song.) “Troll the ancient yuletide carol, fa la la la la—

PUNCH: (Finishes the song.) La, la, fa, la!” (Winces.) Oh, rats!ALL: Fa la la la la, la la la laaaa. (ALL congratulate one another. The

CLUE CLUB MEMBERS shake hands with one another. CRUNGE and DICKENS hug. CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS as the LIGHTS FADE OUT.)

END OF PLAY

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PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIESONSTAGE: Table.BROUGHT ON: Headset (DUNCAN); clipboard, script, pen, purse

containing cell phone (DICKENS); backpack containing laptop and cords, chair (BING); pen and pad of paper (KAT); envelope (CHET); scarecrow (BILLIE); mop or broom (PERTWEE); Santa suit (NELDA).

COSTUMESThe CAST of the Christmas show should wear Christmasy sweaters and colors. CRUNGE and LILES wear business attire appropriate for school administrators. CRUNGE wears a Santa suit at the end of the play. The CLUE CLUB may dress in “nerdy” clothes if you wish to portray them as such.

MUSICIf desired, a musical rendition of “Deck the Halls” to play behind the students as they sing.

MICELLANEOUSThis play may be performed as written or, if you prefer to include more music and variety acts, the action may be broken up to include these. As written, MRS. DICKENS has her STUDENTS go through a brief scene from their Christmas play, “Scrooge.” The director of this production may introduce other acts into the play in a similar fashion or instead of “Scrooge.”

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DRAMA WITHOUT THE DRAMAWords on a page are just words on a page. It takes people to turn them into plays and musicals. At Pioneer, we want the thrill of the applause to stay with you forever, no matter which side of the curtain you’re on. Everything we do is designed to give you the best experience possible:

WHy PIOnEER:

Maintain control of your casting. We know you can’t always control who auditions. Take advantage of our many shows that indicate flexible casting and switch

the genders of your roles without restrictions. And with Pioneer, you also get access to scripts that were written for the entire

cast, not just a star lead performer like so many other mainstream musicals and plays.

adapt and custoMize.Pioneer helps you manage the number of roles in your production. We indicate where doubling is possible for a smaller cast, as well as provide suggestions where extras are possible to allow for additional actors. Both options will help you tailor your play for your specific cast size, not the other way around.

Be original.Get access to fresh, new musicals that will let your actors develop their characters instead of mimicking the same personalities we see on stage year after year.

take advantage of our teaching tools.Pioneer’s CD Sets include two high quality, studio-produced discs – one with lyrics so your students can learn by ear, the other without so they can rehearse and perform without an accompanist or pit band. You can even burn a copy of the vocal CD for each cast member without worrying about copyright laws. And with payment of your royalty, you have permission to use the karaoke CD in your actual production.

it’s like having an assistant.Use our Director’s Books and benefit from professional features designed by and for directors. Line counts, scene breakdowns, cues and notes – you’ll love our spiral-bound, 8½” x 11” books with the full script only on one side of the page to leave plenty of room for your own notes.

videotaping? We’d Be disappointed if you didn’t!With Pioneer, you’ll never have to worry about videotaping your production and posting it on YouTube. In fact, we encourage it. We understand that your production is about your performers, not our script. Make the experience the best it can be, take pictures and videos, and share them with the community. We always love seeing our scripts come to life.