By John Tissot · 2 WHEN COWS FLY WHEN COWS FLY By John Tissot SYNOPSIS: Have you heard about the guy who saw a cow jump over the moon? Maybe you’ve heard about Mary who truly grew

When Cows FlyBy John Tissot

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WHEN COWS FLY By John Tissot

2 WHEN COWS FLY

WHEN COWS FLY By John Tissot

SYNOPSIS: Have you heard about the guy who saw a cow jump over the moon? Maybe you’ve heard about Mary who truly grew furrows, cockle-shells, and young women in her garden?! John Tissot’s creative, “When Cows Fly” is an imaginative collection of seven 5-10 minute one-act plays that re-create the fantastical nursery rhymes of our childhood into reality. In this hilarious anthology, everyday people are interacting with the “celebrities” of the nursery rhymes we know and love, exploring the possibilities of what would be if nursery rhymes were current event stories.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

(6-23 MEN, 5-13 WOMEN, 0-8 EITHER, 6-20 EXTRAS)

THE PRESS CONFERENCE (4 EITHER)

PRESS SECRETARY (m/f) ............(18 lines) REPORTER A (m/f) .......................(4 lines) REPORTER B (m/f) ........................(3 lines) REPORTER C (m/f) ........................(9 lines) EXTRA REPORTERS (m/f) ...........As desired.

ONE APPLE SHORT OF A FULL BARREL (5 MEN, 2 WOMEN)

PETER (m) ......................................A man about 25. (32 lines) BECKY (f) ......................................A woman about 23. (20 lines) JACK JINGLE (m) ..........................A man about 30. (63 lines) JUNE JINGLE (f) ............................A woman about 28. (12 lines) BILLY JINGLE (m) ........................A boy about 7. (19 lines) BOBBY JINGLE (m) ......................A boy about 5. (7 lines) FARMER (m) ..................................A man of any age. (20 lines)

MARY’S GARDEN (6 MEN, 5 WOMEN, EXTRAS)

POLICEMAN (m) ...........................A man of any age.(12 lines) FIRST MAN (m) .............................A man of any age. (2 lines) HOT DOG SELLER (f) ..................Woman of any age. (1 line)

This perusal script is for reading purposes only.No performance or photocopy rights are conveyed.

JOHN TISSOT 3

FIRST WOMAN (f) ........................Woman of any age. (2 lines) FIRST BOY (m) ..............................Boy between 5 and 8. (3 lines) SECOND BOY (m) .........................Boy between 5 and 8.

(Non-Speaking) REPORTER (m) ..............................Man between 20 and 40 years.

(98 lines) LUCY LOCKET (f) ........................Woman between 20 and 30.

(41 lines) ROGER HANSEN (m) ...................Man, any age. (28 lines) MARY (f) ........................................Woman 60 or older. (16 lines) CANDLE SELLER (f) ....................Woman, any age. (1 line) EXTRAS (m/f) ................................Men/women/children, any number or

age.

MOTHER GOOSE FASHIONS FOR THE MATURE WOMAN (1 MAN, 2 WOMEN, 1 EITHER)

LILLI LOVELACE (f) ....................Woman 30 to 40 years. (68 lines) REX BRENNEN (m) ......................Man 30 to 40 years. (50 lines) SECRETARY (m/f) ........................Man or woman 30 to 40. (33 lines) GRANNY (f) ...................................Woman 55 and up. (53 lines)

DOGGIE DELIGHT (5 MEN, 3 WOMEN, EXTRAS)

HOST (m) ........................................A man between 25 and 35. (22 lines) HOSTESS (f) ..................................A woman between 25 and 30.

(7 lines) DIRECTOR (m) ..............................A man 40 or older. (48 lines) STAGE HAND #1 (m) ....................A man 30 or older. (Non-Speaking) ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (m) ........A man 35 or older. (6 lines) OLD MOTHER HUBBARD (f) .....A woman 55 or older. (44 lines) MAKE UP LADY (f) ......................A woman 25 or older. (2 lines) SET MANAGER (m) ......................A man 25 or older. (2 lines)

JACK (2 MEN)

ANNOUNCER (m) .........................Man of any age. (30 lines) JACK (m) ........................................Boy between 5 and 8. (63 lines)

THE PIPER’S SON (4 MEN, 1 WOMAN, 3 EITHER, EXTRAS)

TOM (m) .........................................A boy between 12 and 16. (19 lines)


4 WHEN COWS FLY

PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (m) A man, any age. (19 lines) DEFENSE ATTORNEY (m/f) ........A man or woman, any age. (29 lines) MR. MUDD (m) ..............................A man, any age. (8 lines) OLD WOMAN (f) ...........................A woman over sixty. (14 lines) BAILIFF (m/f).................................A man or strong woman, any age.

(6 lines) COURT REPORTER (m/f) .............A man or woman, any age.

(Non-Speaking) AUDIENCE (m/f) ...........................Six or more men and women, any

age. JUDGE JACK SPRATT (m) ...........A man, any age. (22 lines)

PRODUCTION NOTES

THE PRESS CONFERENCE ORIGIN: Blackbirds, and other songbirds, were actually eaten as a delicacy! However, a court jester may well have suggested to the court cook to bake a pie pastry crust and place this over some live blackbirds to surprise and amuse the King! It would not be unreasonable for the blackbirds to look for revenge, hence "When down came a blackbird and pecked off her nose!" It is interesting to note that the references to the counting house and eating honey were the common man's perception of what a King and Queen spent their time doing.

Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye; Four and twenty blackbirds (all) baked in(to) a pie. When the pie was opened the birds began to sing; Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the King?

The King was in his counting-house counting out his money; The Queen was in the parlor eating bread and honey. The maid was in the garden hanging out the clothes;

When down came a blackbird and snipped off her nose!


JOHN TISSOT 5

SETTING: The Press Room at the Castle.

ONE APPLE SHORT OF A FULL BARREL ORIGIN: “Hey Diddle Diddle” is a fantasy rhyme designed to delight children with impossible images! The term “hey diddle diddle” was a colloquialism used in much the same vein as "hey nonny no" which can be found in traditional English folk ballads. The original title was “High Diddle Diddle” but this has been altered to “Hey Diddle Diddle” over the years with changes to the English language. The first known date of publication for the words of the “Hey Diddle Diddle” rhyme is 1765.

Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon.

The little dog laughed to see such fun And the dish ran away with the spoon!

SETTING: A farmer’s field. TIME: Eight o’clock at night. LIGHTING: The only light on stage is a light source above and from the front. It lights the stage with diffused, one-directional light.

SOUND EFFECTS: □ A dog barking and laughing. □ A violin or fiddle. COSTUMES: The director will decide whether to use period or contemporary costumes. Each character wears clothing suitable for age and occupation. PROPS: (All carried on stage.)

□ 4 folding chairs □ 3 Thermos bottles □ 6 Cups □ 3 Paper sacks □ 1 Candy bar □ 1 Flashlight


6 WHEN COWS FLY

MARY’S GARDEN

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockleshells,

And pretty maids all in a row.

PROPS: □ Hot dogs in buns, on stage. □ Candles, on stage. □ Notebook and pen, carried on stage by Reporter. □ Camera, carried on stage by Reporter. □ Attaché case, carried on stage by Hansen.

SETTING: A street. TIME: Now or “then.” COSTUMES: The director will have to decide whether to use “period” costume or modern costume. Each actor should wear clothes suitable for age and character portrayed.

MOTHER GOOSE FASHIONS FOR THE MATURE WOMAN

Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross

To see an old lady upon a white horse. Rings on her fingers and bells on her toes. She shall have music wherever she goes.

COSTUMES: The director will decide to use either “period” clothes or contemporary costumes. All characters will wear costumes suitable for their age and occupations. In addition, Granny will need a change of costume: floppy flowered hat, pink boa, bright red dress and high heels. Rex will need a scalp wig and a wig with hair. SETTING: An office. TIME: Nine-fifty a.m.


JOHN TISSOT 7

PROPS: □ Potted plant, on display case on stage. □ Small statue, on display case on stage. □ Candlestick with candle, on display case on stage. □ Other small framed photos, on display case on stage. □ Award, and other brickabrac, on display case on stage. □ Rack with clothes, on stage. □ Pencils, pens, papers, photos, contract, on walls on stage. □ Rings, worn on stage by Granny. □ Handkerchief, carried on stage in Lilli’s pocket. □ Poem, carried by Secretary on stage.

DOGGIE DELIGHT

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard

To fetch her poor dog a bone; But when she came there The cupboard was bare,

And so the poor dog had none.

She took a clean dish To get him some tripe;

But when she came back He was smoking a pipe. She went to the grocer's To buy him some fruit;

But when she came back He was playing the flute.

She went to the baker's To buy him some bread; But when she came back The poor dog was dead.

She went to the undertaker's To buy him a coffin;

But when she came back


8 WHEN COWS FLY

The poor dog was laughing.

She went to the hatter's To buy him a hat;

But when she came back He was feeding the cat.

The dame made a curtsey, The dog made a bow;

The dame said, "Your servant." The dog said, "Bow wow!"

SETTING: Set on a TV sound stage. TIME: 10:00 A.M. COSTUMES: The director will decide whether to use period or contemporary costumes. Each character wears clothing suitable for age and occupation. Mother Hubbard will need a full skirt and a hat or bonnet.

PROPS: □ Throw rug, on stage. □ Framed photos, on stage. □ Flowers, on stage. □ Sack of Doggie Delight dog food, on table on stage. □ Clapboard*, carried on stage by Assistant Director. □ Makeup kit, carried on stage by Make Up Lady. □ Paper towels, carried on stage by Make Up Lady. □ Toolbox with tools including: large screwdriver and hammer and

nails. Carried on stage by Set Director. □ Small card, carried on stage by Host.

*Two boards painted black and white about 12 inches long, hinged at one end so they will “clap” together


JOHN TISSOT 9

JACK

ORIGIN: Little Jack Horner was reputed to have been the Steward to the Bishop of Glastonbury. The Steward, or Little Jack Horner, was sent to King Henry VIII with a Christmas gift of twelve title deeds to various English manorial estates. Jack (Little Jack Horner) stole the deed to the manor of Mells (it being the real 'plum' of the twelve manors). The remaining eleven manors were given to the crown, but the manor of Mells became the property of the Horner family! The manor of Mells was situated in France and this is where Little Jack Horner moved. The first publication date for the lyrics to the Little Jack Horner rhyme is 1725.

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie,

He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum And said "What a good boy am I!"

SETTING: A sound room at a recording studio. ABOUT THE PLAY: A radio station is about to record a commercial for Mother Goose Bakery which will feature the story of Jack Horner in his own words. The recording ends up being more difficult than expected.

THE PIPER’S SON

Tom, Tom, the piper's son, Stole a pig, and away did run!

The pig was eat, And Tom was beat,

And Tom went crying Down the street.

SETTING: Courtroom

TIME: Now or “then.”


10 WHEN COWS FLY

THE PRESS CONFERENCE AT RISE: The Curtains open revealing a pressroom. At one side is a small platform, and on it, a rostrum. The PRESS SECRETARY is standing patiently behind the rostrum. In front of the platform are eight to ten folding chairs. Some reporters are in their seats already, and the rest are coming in. The PRESS SECRETARY watches them. All the REPORTERS carry pencils, pens and notepads. PRESS SECRETARY: (When all reporters are seated.) Good

morning, ladies and gentlemen. Before I take your questions at this press conference, let me issue this statement: “His Royal Highness was taken to the Royal Hospital yesterday after experiencing a grand fall that left him unconscious.

REPORTER A: (Raises his/her hand and PRESS SECRETARY nods.) Is it serious?

PRESS SECRETARY: A mild concussion, that’s all. REPORTER B: (Calling out.) What happened? PRESS SECRETARY: I’m getting to that. If you will just hold off on

your questions…it started with some blackbirds. Four and twenty blackbirds.

REPORTER C: (Raises hand. PRESS SECRETARY nods.) Is that the same as two dozen blackbirds?

PRESS SECRETARY: Yes. If you would just go back and review your basic math, I wouldn’t have to answer questions like this.

REPORTER C: Sorry. My editor wants me to get the facts straight. Especially after…well, never mind.

PRESS SECRETARY: After the time Her Royal Highness got a facelift and you reported she’d had a tummy tuck?

All laugh.


JOHN TISSOT 11

PRESS SECRETARY: Now, can we get on with this? It may seem like a long stretch from blackbirds to a mild concussion, but here are the details. A deliveryman rode up to the castle with a package for the King. He gave it to the guard on duty at the gate. That guard handed it to a messenger, who took it to the castle kitchen. There, the kitchen staff carefully unwrapped the package and saw it was a large pie.

REPORTER C: How large? PRESS SECRETARY: I wish you wouldn’t interrupt me. The pie

measured more than two feet across and more than one foot high. And I hope your editor is pleased to have the exact dimensions. (All laugh.)

REPORTER A: (Raises his/her hand and PRESS SECRETARY nods.) Who was the pie from?

PRESS SECRETARY: There was no card. Please let me continue. The kitchen staff decided to take it to the King at once. He was in his Counting House.

REPORTER C: What was he doing? PRESS SECRETARY: (Frowning.) He was counting his money. REPORTER C: Where was the Queen? PRESS SECRETARY: She was in the parlor. REPORTER A: What was she doing? PRESS SECRETARY: She was eating bread and honey. It was

mid-morning and she needed a little snack. Okay? …So, the kitchen staff set the pie before His Majesty, and one of the kitchen staff had a knife, and he cut open the crust.

REPORTER C: What kind of pie was it? Plum? PRESS SECRETARY: No. When they got the top off the pie, out

flew the blackbirds, four and twenty, and they began to sing. One of the staff remarked, “What a dainty gift to set before the King.”

REPORTER B: So how did the King get hurt?


12 WHEN COWS FLY

PRESS SECRETARY: I’m coming to that. At first, the King was pleased with the unusual gift, but after a time, the birds began to fly all over the castle. “All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t get those birds back in the pie again,” as one wag put it. Which is another way of saying that no one could catch the birds, which by now had begun to poop over everything, as birds do. Some of them flew into the parlor and their poop fell into the honey which the Queen was eating. As you can imagine, this quite vexed Her Royal Highness, and she called for the Royal Exterminators. They came with large nets on long handles. Well, some of the birds had flown into the Throne Room and were sitting upon the chandelier, all the while messing up the expensive Persian rugs on the floor. The exterminators swung at the blackbirds with their long nets. They didn’t catch the birds, but they did manage to pull the chandelier down from the ceiling. It crashed right on top of the Royal Aquarium. The aquarium broke and spilled water and fish out onto the expensive Persian rugs. The King, in his Counting House, heard the commotion because, as you know, the Counting House adjoins the Throne Room. He rushed into the Throne Room and failed to see the fish. He stepped on one and slipped and fell backwards.

REPORTER B: So the King’s noggin came down like Humpty Dumpty and hit the Royal Carpet?

PRESS SECRETARY: I wouldn’t put it that way, and I certainly wouldn’t write it that way. When the King recovers from this experience, he’s going to be…shall we say, a bit testy, and I wouldn’t do anything to annoy him. But yes, he did fall backwards and to the right, I believe. Right down on top of the fish that had been his undoing.

REPORTER C: What kind of fish was it? PRESS SECRETARY: Why would you want to know that? REPORTER C: My editor will ask, and I want to have an answer. PRESS SECRETARY: (Consulting his/her notes on the rostrum.) It

was a… (Reading slowly.) …piscus repentibus. REPORTER C: How do you spell that?


JOHN TISSOT 13

PRESS SECRETARY: Just the way it sounds. Can we get on with this? His Royal Highness hit his head on the floor very hard, but because of the expensive Persian rugs, he didn’t crack his Royal Skull open. Although he did lose consciousness. The Queen called the Royal Ambulance, and they took His Royal Highness to the Royal Hospital. There was another consequence of the birds flying about. A maid was in the garden hanging out the clothes. One of those blackbirds got out of the castle, flew down and snipped off her nose. She is recovering.

REPORTER A: Has the King regained consciousness? PRESS SECRETARY: Only briefly. He said, and I quote, (Refers to

notes on rostrum.) “If I find out who sent me that pie, I’m going to have his head, his toes and all parts in between, even if it’s the Grand Old Duke of York.” And that’s all I have to report at this time.

CURTAIN.

ONE APPLE SHORT OF A FULL BARREL AT RISE: The curtains open to reveal an empty stage. The only light comes from a source up high and from the front, diffused (not a spotlight). PETER and BECKY come from stage left. PETER is carrying two folding chairs and BECKY is carrying a sack. Both are dressed warmly. BECKY: At least we have a nice evening for this foolishness. During the next conversation, PETER opens up the folding chairs and sets them close together, facing the audience. BECKY sets the sack on the ground. Then they sit. PETER: Foolishness? You make it sound like we didn’t see what we

saw. BECKY: (Sarcastically.) See saw Margery Daw.


14 WHEN COWS FLY

PETER: We had our eyes open. We should be able to trust our own eyes.

BECKY: Peter, I’ve been thinking. PETER: Here it comes. When a woman says, “I’ve been thinking,”

all men should run for the woods. BECKY: Peter, if someone had come into the police station and told

you he saw a cow fly through the sky, what would you say? What would you do?

PETER: I’d turn that person over to the police psychiatrist. BECKY: Exactly. What we saw couldn’t happen, therefore, it did not

happen. PETER: But it wasn’t some fruitcake off the street. It was you and

me. BECKY: So we’re the fruitcakes. Nutty. One card short of a full

deck, they’d say. Clam chowder without the clams. One apple short of a full barrel. One—

PETER: Okay, dear. I get the point. BECKY: Maybe it was something in the food. PETER: You ought to know. You prepared it. Actually, last night

was your idea. A meal out under the stars, you said. Chicken sandwiches, you said. Mushrooms. Poisoned, I guess, to make us see a flying bovine creature. Is that what you’re saying?

BECKY: For the last twenty-four hours I’ve said it over and over. I can’t explain it, and I don’t believe it.

PETER motions to BECKY to hand over the thermos. She takes it out of the sack and hands it to him. He can’t get the top off, no matter how hard he tries. He takes off a shoe and hits the top of the thermos with his shoe. It doesn’t work. He shakes his head. BECKY takes the thermos from him and calmly takes the top off. She pours a small amount in each cup as PETER puts his shoe back on and ties it. Then he takes one of the cups.


JOHN TISSOT 15

PETER: I’ll tell you one thing. I didn’t mention this to any of the guys down at the station. If I had, I’d be sitting behind bars waiting for a psychologist to come and declare me insane. I hope you didn’t tell anyone. (BECKY is silent.) You didn’t tell anyone, did you? (BECKY looks away.) Tell me you were able to keep our secret. (BECKY looks away.) Tell me you were able to keep our secret. (BECKY shakes her head “no.”) How many of your friends did you tell? (She holds up one finger.) So in spite of calling the whole idea foolishness, you told someone. So only one person thinks we’re, what did you say, one apple short of a full barrel? (She nods “yes.”)

The next conversation is heard off stage, left. JUNE: I think this is the place. JACK: You think this is the place? I think you’re out of your mind. On stage, PETER and BECKY exchange glances at each other. Off stage again. JUNE: C’mon, Jack. Becky told me in strictest confidence. And if

she didn’t believe it, she wouldn’t have told me… Bobby, I don’t want to hear another word out of your mouth...and don’t pick that up…I said, leave that candy on the ground. Cows have been all over this pasture.

BOBBY: (Whining.) But now I don’t have any. JUNE: Then Billy will have to do…the s-word. BILLY: Oh, no. I’m not doing that. JUNE: Yes, you’ll have to share your candy with your brother. JACK: Can we go and get this over with? JUNE: Certainly, dear. JACK, JUNE, BILLY and BOBBY come on stage from stage left. JACK is carrying four folding chairs. JUNE is carrying two paper sacks. All are dressed warmly. PETER and BECKY stand up. PETER and JACK shake hands.


16 WHEN COWS FLY

PETER: The north wind doth blow, Jack. What are you doing out here? (Glares at BECKY.) …as if I didn’t know.

JACK: How are your pumpkins doing, Peter? You gonna have another blue ribbon, big-as-a-house pumpkin this year?

PETER: I’m sick of hearing about that. Especially from you. Do we have to go through this routine every time we meet?

JACK: ‘Fraid so, Peter peter, pumpkin eater. As the conversation continues, JACK sets up the folding chairs near PETER and JUNE. The four of them sit, and JUNE sets the two sacks on the ground. PETER: It was just that one afternoon, and the newspaper made a

big deal about it. Then some joker poet got hold of it and blew all out of proportion, as you well know. You just like to needle me.

JACK: Of course. BILLY and BOBBY get in a small fight; JUNE watches them. PETER: As I remember, some joker wrote about you, too. (In

another voice.) Jack Jingle used to be single. He got tired of that life and got himself a wife. (In his own voice.) Or something like that.

JACK: Let’s forget I said anything about pumpkins. JUNE: (To BILLY and BOBBY.) Stop fighting. BOBBY: Billy keeps hitting me. BILLY: Do not. JUNE: (To BILLY.) Give me your candy bar. (BILLY takes it out of

his pocket and gives it to June; she breaks it in half and gives one half to each child. To both.) Now, behave.

JACK: So what are you and your family doing here? PETER: Your little woman told my little woman you saw a blow-your-

mind-cow flying through the sky here last night. She said you planned to come again tonight. June wouldn’t be happy until we…ah, came to see for ourselves.

PETER: (To BECKY.) So, she’s the…? (He holds up one finger.) BECKY: (She nods.) But I told her in the strictest confidence.


JOHN TISSOT 17

PETER: (To JACK.) Jack, you ever notice how when women say (In a woman’s voice.) this is in the strictest confidence (Back to his voice.) they mean (In woman’s voice again.) swear you won’t tell more than ten people?

As the conversation continues, JUNE picks up one sack, pulls out a thermos and two cups. She takes the top off the thermos and pours into the two cups, giving one to each child. Then she opens the other sack and fills two more cups, giving one to JACK. JACK: (To PETER.) Peter, you’ve got that all wrong. It’s (In a

woman’s voice.) swear you won’t tell more than twenty people. (In his voice.) Telling a woman to keep a secret is like telling an elephant to fly.

BILLY: If elephants can’t fly, how come cows can? JACK: Son, I don’t think cows can fly. BILLY: If they can give milk, they can fly. JACK: Have you ever seen a cow fly? BILLY: No, but I’ve never seen a cow give milk, either. BOBBY: Yeah! JACK: (To PETER.) The kid’s got a point. BECKY: We’re all here now, however we got here. Let’s just enjoy

the night and each other. (She holds up her cup and the others hold up theirs.)

BILLY: (He looks in the direction of the moon.) Wow. Look at that. (All the adults look up in the sky together and slowly their heads move as a unit, following something in the sky, something that goes up and then down. Their bodies are motionless. PETER drops his cup as if not aware of what he’s doing. BECKY, JACK and JUNE drop their cups. The two boys are excited, stand up and jump up and down as their heads follow the thing in the sky.)

PETER: (After a moment, to JACK.) I didn’t see anything. Not a thing.

BECKY: What do you mean you didn’t see anything?


18 WHEN COWS FLY

PETER: A policeman does not see a cow leap up in the air and sail over the moon. Who would have confidence in a policeman who admitted to that? Who would obey that officer? (A different voice.) Hey cop, you want me to halt in my tracks? To freeze where I stand? You’re seeing things, like the night you saw a flying cow. Ha-ha. (His voice.) No, I didn’t see a thing.

BECKY: (To JACK.) What about you, Jack? You saw it. JACK: Saw what? Look. Who’s going to buy insurance from a guy

who admitted to seeing something as idiotic, crazy, impossible as this? (In female voice.) But Mr. Jingle, how can I be sure you are telling me the truth about this policy when you said in public you saw a cow jump over the moon? (His voice.) I’m with Peter. Didn’t see a thing.

Off stage, the sound of a dog barking, laughing. BECKY: What was that? JUNE: Sounded like a laughing dog. BILLY: That’s what I heard. BOBBY: Me too. PETER: (To BECKY.) What did you put in the coffee? First we see

flying cows, now laughing dogs. BECKY: So you hear it too. PETER: Heard what? I didn’t hear a thing. JUNE: (She points off in another direction “out there.”) What’s that? BECKY: I’d say it was a dish and a spoon running away. JUNE: You’re right. Jack, look. JACK: No. BECKY: Peter, you look. PETER: Not interested. BECKY: Never mind. They’re gone. PETER: I’ve seen…no, I haven’t seen anything, and I haven’t heard

anything, and I think we should be going home. (He gathers up his two folding chairs.)

JACK: Peter’s right. Let’s go home, too. (He starts to gather up the four folding chairs. JUNE gathers up the cups, thermoses and sacks.)


JOHN TISSOT 19

PETER: (To BECKY.) Becky, we’ve made jokes tonight about women keeping secrets, but this is one you must keep.

BECKY: You’re asking a lot. PETER: A policeman’s career, my career, depends on it. BECKY: Well. PETER: NOT… (He holds up one finger.) BECKY: Okay. I promise. JACK: (To JUNE.) Same for you, June. No one’s going to buy

insurance from me if they think I’m one egg short of a dozen. JUNE: Okay, dear. Off stage, the sound of a violin playing. Everybody looks in the direction of the sound. JACK: (To PETER.) Tell me I didn’t see a cat playing a fiddle. PETER: I did not see a cat playing a fiddle. BILLY: I did. BOBBY: So did I. JACK: (To BILLY and BOBBY.) No, you didn’t. Tonight you didn’t

hear anything strange, and you didn’t see anything strange. And you are not to tell your friends what didn’t happen here.

BOBBY: Huh? JACK: You understand what I’m saying. BOBBY: Like a secret? JACK: Exactly. BILLY: I won’t say anything for a chocolate bar every night for a

month. JACK: But that’s blackmail. BILLY: I know. JACK: It’s against the law. BILLY: I know. JACK: (Pointing at PETER.) That man’s a policeman. BILLY: I know. JACK: He could send you to jail. BILLY: I know. JACK: So? BILLY: I’ll keep quiet for a candy bar every night for a month. JACK: Three weeks.


20 WHEN COWS FLY

BILLY: Two weeks. JACK: Deal. BILLY: The same for Bobby. JACK: What? BILLY: If I don’t, you’ll make me use the s-word. JACK: What? BILLY: You know. Share. JACK: This is blackmail. PETER: Jack, actually that’s extortion. JACK: What’s the difference? PETER: If someone has done something bad and you threaten to tell

unless that person pays you, that’s blackmail. If you threaten to do something bad to another person unless that person pays you, that’s extortion.

BILLY: So it’s a deal? JACK: Okay. (BILLY holds out both hands palm up, and JACK slaps

them.) Okay, we agree. No one is to say anything about tonight. Nobody is even to admit that we came out here tonight. Now, let’s go home.

FARMER: (Comes on stage carrying a lighted flashlight, which he turns off.) Evening, folks.

JACK AND PETER: Evening. PETER: I hope you don’t mind us having a little picnic on your

property. FARMER: Mind? Not at all. If the cows don’t mind, why should I.

Just don’t leave any trash. The cows hate that. JUNE: We’d never do that. JACK: (He starts to leave.) Well, then. Good night to you. FARMER: Did you see what I saw tonight? JACK: The stars. The moon. That’s all we saw. FARMER: Then you must be blind. Where are your canes with the

white tips? PETER: What’re you talking about? FARMER: I saw you folks come out into my field, and I came out to

watch you. I saw a lot of strange things tonight. PETER and JACK exchange glances.


JOHN TISSOT 21

PETER: Whatever we saw, we’re not going to tell a soul. You don’t have to worry about anyone coming out on your field.

FARMER: Me, now, I’m going to tell everyone I know. PETER: Why? FARMER: When people find out what happened here, they’re going

to want to see for themselves. I’ll charge ‘em a dollar a person. I’ll be rich. Yes, sir. Not every day, not every night does one see a flying cow. ‘Course, I hope from now on it’s every night.

JACK: Well, do what you want. We’ve got to get these kids to bed. JACK, JUNE, PETER, BECKY, BOBBY, BILLY go off stage, carrying their things saying, “Goodbye,” “good night,” ad-lib. FARMER: Now, let’s see. Just what will I tell them down at the

Mother Goose Gazette? Let’s see. Hmm. “Hey, diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle.” That’s good so far. Now what? “The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such sport, and the plate, no, the dish ran away with the spoon.” I’m gonna be rich. (He jumps in the air and clicks his heels together.)

COW: (Off stage.) No, you won’t, mooo. FARMER: (Reacts, startled and looks around.) What? In the following conversation, the cow remains offstage and we only hear the voice. COW: I said you won’t get rich. FARMER: (Looking around again.) Where are you? COW: Over here, mooo. FARMER: (Locates source of voice.) But…but…you’re a cow. COW: Tell me something I don’t know. FARMER: But…but cows can’t talk. COW: Okay, I can’t talk. FARMER: But you’re talking. COW: That’s right. If I can jump over the moon, I can talk. FARMER: (Thinking.) Why did you say I’m not going to be rich? COW: Because I’m not going to do anything strenuous

anymore…like jumping over the moon. I just did it these two times to prove to myself I could do it.


22 WHEN COWS FLY

FARMER: And you won’t do it again? COW: That’s what I said. FARMER: If you don’t jump, I can’t charge people to come

here…and I won’t make any money. COW: That’s what I said in the beginning. FARMER: (FARMER falls to his knees and begs.) Please, please,

please. COW: No. And get up off your knees. You look ridiculous. FARMER: (He gets up.) Look. I promise to see that visitors won’t

leave any trash. I know you cows hate that. COW: Thanks for the thought, but no. FARMER: Please. COW: No use begging. And before I go, I’ve got a message from all

us cows, moooo. FARMER: What is it? COW: When you come to milk us…warm your hands first. CURTAIN.

MARY’S GARDEN

AT RISE: The curtains open revealing a street in front of a house. A picket fence runs along the front of the yard. A POLICEMAN stands guard at the gate, preventing people from going into the house. A line of people, headed by FIRST MAN and FIRST WOMAN are waiting to go into the house. Center stage, extras are milling about, talking in pantomime, looking at the house and pointing to it. At stage left is a hot dog stand with hot dog seller. FIRST BOY and SECOND BOY are chasing each other around the stage, but as the story progresses, they see the hot dogs on a plate on the stand. At stage right is a stand selling candles, CANDLE SELLER. From time to time, a person comes over, buys a candle and places it in the “street” along with the other candles in the street. REPORTER: (He comes on stage from stage left, carrying a

notebook and a camera. He stops and looks around, then goes up to the POLICEMAN.) This the place?


JOHN TISSOT 23

POLICEMAN: If you mean the house with the strange crop in the back, it is.

REPORTER: I’ve got to go in and talk to the lady inside. FIRST MAN: (To REPORTER.) Hey, buddy. Get at the end of the

line. REPORTER: (To FIRST MAN.) There’s a line to get in? FIRST MAN: You blind or what? ‘Course there’s a line. I’m not

standing here for my health. I’ve been waiting a long time. My feet are beginning to think they’re roots. Next thing you know, a rose will be growing out my ears, so get in line!

REPORTER: (To POLICEMAN.) I’m a reporter from Tankton. POLICEMAN: Where? REPORTER: Tankton. Down the road. POLICEMAN: I don’t care if you’re from the moon. The lady inside

doesn’t want to talk to reporters. So if you want to go in, stand in line.

FIRST WOMAN: Yeah. Stand in line like the rest of us. REPORTER: (To POLICEMAN.) Have you been back there? Seen

the garden? POLICEMAN: Yeah. But I’m not going to talk about it. (LUCY

LOCKET comes on stage from stage right and stops to look at the commotion.) Why don’t you talk to that lady? She lives next door.

REPORTER: (He goes over and stops LUCY.) Can I talk to you? LUCY: A reporter? REPORTER: Yes. LUCY: I knew it. You’ve heard about my pocket. REPORTER: What are you talking about? LUCY: But I’m quite famous. I lost my pocket. REPORTER: I’m sorry to hear about that, but I came to talk to you

about Mary. (He points at the house.) LUCY: Oh, her. A bitter old lady, if you ask me. If she just looks at

milk, it curdles. (She makes a face.) REPORTER: But you live next door to her, don’t you? LUCY: Yes. REPORTER: So what did you see? LUCY: I’m not going to tell you unless you let me tell my story. REPORTER: Oh, very well. Make my day.


24 WHEN COWS FLY

LUCY: I lost my pocket. (REPORTER just stares at her.) Well, aren’t you going to write this down?

REPORTER: (Takes out his notebook, opens it and gets out his pen. He writes as she speaks.) Lucy Locket lost her purse.

LUCY: No, no. Not purse. Pocket. REPORTER: (He crosses off what he had written. Speaks as he

writes.) Lucy Locket lost her pocket. LUCY: Kitty Fisher found it. REPORTER: (Writing as he speaks.) Kitty Fisher located it. LUCY: No, no. Found it. REPORTER: (Crosses off and speaks as he writes.) Kitty Fisher

found it. Who’s Kitty Fisher? LUCY: She’s a friend of mine. Lives two houses down that way.

(Points.) REPORTER: (Writes.) Fisher woman lives two houses from Locket. LUCY: Leave that part out. REPORTER: Leave it out? LUCY: Yes. This isn’t about Kitty Fisher. It’s about me. REPORTER: (Crosses out that sentence.) What was in the

purse…er…pocket? LUCY: Nothing in it. Nothing in it. REPORTER: (Writes.) Nothing inside pocket. LUCY: No, no. Can’t you get it right? What kind of a reporter are

you that you can’t get it right? REPORTER: I guess my mind is on something else. LUCY: Like what? REPORTER: Like Mary’s garden. LUCY: Are you married? REPORTER: No. LUCY: (Brightly.) You need a cup of tea to help focus your mind.

(She pantomimes lifting a cup of tea with her little finger curled.) REPORTER: Some other time. LUCY: Can I hold you to that? (She puts her hand on his arm. He

shakes it off.) REPORTER: Next time I’m in town. LUCY: Wonderful. Now, read to me what you have so far. REPORTER: Lucy Locket lost her pocket. Kitty Fisher found it.

Nothing in it. Nothing in it.


JOHN TISSOT 25

LUCY: Now add: “but the binding round it.” REPORTER: (Writes.) But the binding round it. LUCY: You got it. See what you can do when you set your mind to

it? Now read the whole thing back to me. REPORTER: (Reads.) Lucy Locket lost her pocket. Kitty Fisher

found it. Nothing in it; nothing in it, but the binding round it. LUCY: That’s it. REPORTER: I’ll take that back to my editor. He’ll be thrilled. He

gets thrilled easily. The tide comes in at the beach, and the hair on the back of his head stands straight up. Now, about Mary. (LUCY hesitates.) You promised.

As the conversation continues between REPORTER and LUCY, SECOND BOY stands off to one side of the hot dog stand and makes faces at the SELLER and when the SELLER is thus distracted, FIRST BOY sneaks up and grabs a hot dog in a bun. The two then start to chase each other around. LUCY: About a week ago… (She counts on her fingers.) …no, six

days ago. I remember because that’s the day that Old Mother Hubbard came to tell me about her dog. It had nothing to eat, not even a bone. Can you imagine?

REPORTER: Six days ago. What happened? FIRST BOY, chased by SECOND BOY, comes running up in front of LUCY and almost knocks her over. The BOYS then run off. LUCY: Mercy. Those brats. (She looks at REPORTER.) You said

you’re not married. REPORTER: That’s right. LUCY: Do you like children? REPORTER: I guess so. LUCY: So do I. Aren’t those boys cute? REPORTER: Six days ago. Remember?


26 WHEN COWS FLY

LUCY: I gave Old Mother Hubbard some bones for her dog, and she went home. I went out into the backyard to talk to…to look at my hollyhocks. I glanced over the fence, and I saw Mary in her yard. I walked over to the fence, and being a good neighbor, I greeted her, even though she’s a grumpy old woman. I said. “Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?” And she said, “Silver bells and cockle-shells, and pretty maids all of a row.” Of course, I didn’t believe a word of it, but to be nice, I told her I’d like to see her garden. She invited me over.

REPORTER: Did you go over? LUCY: Yes. I had no choice. It was the neighborly thing to do. REPORTER: And what did you see? LUCY: There were shells and bells and four or five young women.

But they were all fake. REPORTER: Fake? LUCY: If they are real, I’m the Queen of England. Do you see any

crown on my head? REPORTER: No. LUCY: I think the garden is a set-up. REPORTER: Why would she do that? LUCY: To draw attention away from me and get people to notice her. REPORTER: You’re saying they aren’t real? LUCY: Can’t be. The soil is too acidic? REPORTER: Really? LUCY: I know about growing things. My hollyhocks. Would you like

to come over and see them? (She takes his arm. He shakes her loose.)

REPORTER: Some other time. The ground is too acidic, you say? LUCY: I have to feed the soil to get my hollyhocks to grow. There

isn’t a fertilizer in the world that would give shells and bells. Believe me.

REPORTER: (He looks around and sees the candles on the street in front of the house.) What are those? (He points.)

LUCY: Unless my eyes have gone bad, they’re candles. REPORTER: But why? LUCY: Some people think Mary’s house is a holy shrine.


JOHN TISSOT 27

The REPORTER starts to write this in his notebook. At the same time, a WOMAN comes out of the house, goes through the gate, sees people she knows and goes to talk to them in pantomime. The POLICEMAN lets FIRST MAN go through the gate and into the house. FIRST WOMAN steps up to take his place. LUCY: Are you going to take my picture? REPORTER: I don’t think so. LUCY: But I’ve been very nice to you. Talking to you. Telling you

about Mary. Offering you a cup of tea. REPORTER: And I appreciate it. LUCY: You’re not very nice. I don’t think I want to talk to you any

more. (She exits stage left.) REPORTER: (He goes up to the POLICEMAN.) Officer, I really need

to go inside and talk to this Mary for myself. FIRST WOMAN: Get in line, Mister, or go peddle your papers

somewhere else. HANSEN comes out of the house and passes through the gate. POLICEMAN: (To REPORTER.) If you want a story, talk to that guy.

(Points.) REPORTER: (He runs after HANSEN and catches him.) Excuse me.

The officer told me you had some knowledge about the garden. HANSEN: Who are you? REPORTER: I’m with the newspaper in Tankton. The Town Crier. HANSEN: Oh? I didn’t know Tankton had a newspaper. REPORTER: We’re a small town, but we CAN read. Now, about

you? HANSEN: Roger Hansen. REPORTER: And why did the policeman tell me to talk to you? HANSEN: I’m with the Department of Agriculture. They sent me

here to see firsthand. REPORTER: Then the story Miss Locket told me is true? HANSEN: I don’t know who Miss Locket is, and I don’t know what

she told you. I can only tell you what I saw, but this is off the record. You understand?

REPORTER: Yes.


28 WHEN COWS FLY

HANSEN: I’m in an impossible position. REPORTER: How is that? HANSEN: I’ve got to go back to the office and make a report. REPORTER: You said you were in an impossible position. HANSEN: You’re not going to believe it. REPORTER: Try me. HANSEN: In the backyard, (He points.) there are rows of furrows. REPORTER: Nothing unusual about that. HANSEN: In those furrows are cockleshells, silver bells and young

women. REPORTER: You’re kidding. HANSEN: I wish I were. REPORTER: Are you saying they just grew up out of the ground? HANSEN: No other explanation that I can see. The REPORTER takes out his notebook and pen and starts to write. HANSEN reaches over, grabs the page from the notebook, rips it up and throws the pieces down. POLICEMAN: (Seeing this.) Hey, you. No littering. HANSEN: (Picks up pieces of paper and puts them in his pocket.)

Didn’t I tell you “off the record”? REPORTER: Sorry. You were saying the bells and all the rest were

real? HANSEN: Yes, but I can’t go back to the office and put that in my

report. They’d say I was crazy and lock me up. REPORTER: They wouldn’t do that. HANSEN: Did you hear about the man who claimed he saw a cow

jump over the moon? REPORTER: No, I don’t think so. HANSEN: He also said he heard a dog laugh and he saw a dish run

away with a spoon. REPORTER: What happened to him? HANSEN: He’s in a special room at a special hospital. REPORTER: I understand. HANSEN: They won’t give him any dishes or any silverware. He has

to eat everything through a straw. Suck it up or starve. That’s what they told him.


JOHN TISSOT 29

REPORTER: What if he wants a hamburger? HANSEN: He has to eat it through the straw. REPORTER: How strange. HANSEN: They say it’s for his own good, for his own protection. REPORTER: How do you know about this? HANSEN: When you work for the government, word gets around. REPORTER: I see. HANSEN: So that’s why I can’t write up what I saw. REPORTER: Miss Locket, the lady who lives next door to Mary, says

the soil is too acidic to grow stuff like that. HANSEN: She’s right. REPORTER: That leaves some special plant food. HANSEN: I can’t argue about that. REPORTER: Black magic, maybe? HANSEN: Your choice. HOT DOG SELLER: (Shouting.) Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here.

(A few people go over, look and buy one.) REPORTER: Can I buy you one? HANSEN: No, thanks. REPORTER: I’m still curious. When you get back to the office what

is your report going to say? HANSEN: Right now, I don’t know. But I do know what will happen if

I write what I saw, and I don’t want to try to eat one of those hot dogs through a straw.

REPORTER: It looks like I’ll just have to see for myself somehow. HANSEN: Good luck. Now I really have to go. (He leaves stage

right. REPORTER watches him go and looks to his notes.) Three PEOPLE come out of the house, followed by MARY. The three go through the front gate and out to the street. MARY stops in her doorway. MARY: (Calling to the POLICEMAN.) Don’t let any more in today.

I’m tired. REPORTER: (Breaking past the POLICEMAN and running up to

MARY.) I’ve got to talk to you. MARY: But I don’t have to talk to you. REPORTER: I’m a reporter from Tankton.


30 WHEN COWS FLY

MARY: Reporter, huh? When I let the local reporter come and look and talk to me, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I couldn’t have made a bigger mistake if I had married a mule. Come to think of it, the man I married…but that’s another story. And you’re not here about that.

REPORTER: No, ma’am. MARY: Reporters are just official blabbermouths. REPORTER: We just report the truth. MARY: The truth is I’m good at opening childproof caps with a

hammer. Are you going to report that? REPORTER: No. We’ll keep that our secret. Now will you let me go

back and look at your garden? MARY: (Looking at his camera.) Are you going to take pictures? REPORTER: Yes. MARY: No pictures. REPORTER: Okay. Are you going to let me go back and look? MARY: Lucy Locket, did she tell you what she saw? REPORTER: Yes. MARY: That Lucy. She’s an airhead. REPORTER: Now, now. Let’s not start calling names. MARY: A stiff wind would lift her noggin right off her shoulder. Up,

up and away. (She makes circling motions in the air.) REPORTER: Didn’t we say we wouldn’t talk like that? MARY: Did you talk to the man from the Department of Agriculture? REPORTER: Yes. MARY: There’s your story. REPORTER: At least tell me how all this started. MARY: I got a packet of seeds in the mail. There was a note with it

saying, “Plant these seeds and they will change your life.” It was signed, “A friend.” Some friend. Look at this. (She points at the street.) It’s like a carnival.

REPORTER: Why don’t you let people come in and take pictures? Charge admission.

MARY: No. Then people would say I made it all up just to make money.

REPORTER: I can see your point. MARY: Are you going back to your newspaper and write a story? REPORTER: I’m considering it.


JOHN TISSOT 31

MARY: If you do, my life will be turned into a…well, I’d rather be stung by a swarm of bees than have that happen. Now, I’m going to go in and try to forget all of this. Try to take a nap. (She goes back in the house and closes the door.)

The REPORTER looks at the door and starts to walk out the gate. POLICEMAN: (Stopping the REPORTER.) So what are you going to

do? REPORTER: I don’t know. I feel like Hamlet. POLICEMAN: Is that some sort of small sandwich? A little ham, a

little mayonnaise, a little mustard? REPORTER: No, he…lived a long time ago. When he didn’t know

what to do, he said, “To be or not to be, that is the question.” POLICEMAN: Oh. So what’s that got to do with you? REPORTER: If I go back and tell the story, Mary’s life gets worse. If

I don’t tell the story, I hurt my career. And a reporter is supposed to tell the truth.

POLICEMAN: Tough choices. REPORTER: To report or not to report, that is the question. FIRST BOY: (He runs up to the REPORTER with a hot dog in his

hand.) You want a bite, Mister? REPORTER: (Shakes his head ‘no.’) Thanks, but no thanks. Tell

me, young man, do you know what’s in the backyard of that house?

FIRST BOY: Something about bells and shells growing up out of the ground.

REPORTER: Do you believe that can happen? FIRST BOY: Heck, no. You’d have to be pretty dumb to believe that.

(He runs off.) The REPORTER walks out into the street, stops, looks at the candles, the hot dog stand, back at MARY’S house. He takes out his notebook, rips out the pages of his notes, tears them in half, and tosses them in the air. POLICEMAN: (Seeing this, he runs over to the REPORTER.) Didn’t

you hear me say no littering?


Thank you for reading this free excerpt from:WHEN COWS FLY

by John Tissot.

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Documents

By John Tissot · 2 WHEN COWS FLY WHEN COWS FLY By John Tissot SYNOPSIS: Have you heard about the guy who saw a cow jump over the moon? Maybe you’ve heard about Mary who truly grew