Building Self-Confidence with Encouraging Words › support-files › ... · Building Self-Confidence with Encouraging Words By Judy H. Wright Life Educator “Kind words can be short

Building Self-Confidence

with Encouraging Words

Judy H. Wright

Building Self-Confidence with Encouraging Words

© 2007 Missoula, MT by Judy H. Wright, Family Educator and Author in Residence at:

Artichoke Press

2400 West Central, Missoula MT 59801

Phone: (406) 549-9813

Email: [email protected]

Web site: www.ArtichokePress.com

For additional parenting, wellness, life-story writing, and end-of-life books and programs

please see our website or contact us directly.

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All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by

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information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the author, except

for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

Table of Contents

1. Maximize the Benefit of this Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

2. Self-Confidence is a Learned Skill . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

3. Positive Action Follows Positive Thought . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24

4. Communication is More Than Just Words. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35

5. Building Respectful Relationships . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43

6. Encouragement is a Gift of Courage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 57

7. Correcting Others in a Supportive Way . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67

8. Nurturing Children with Love and Respect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75

9. Appreciate and Acknowledge Success . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87

10. About Auntie Artichoke . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 96

11. Words and Phrases for Positive Thoughts and Actions . . . . . . . . . . . 98

12. Guarantee and Disclaimer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100

Building Self-Confidence

with

Encouraging Words

By

Judy H. Wright

Life Educator

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak,

but their echoes are truly endless.”

-Mother Teresa

Building Self-Confidence with Encouraging Words © Judy H. Wright www.ArtichokePress.com

1

Chapter 1

Maximize the Benefit of this Book

Grab a cup of tea and enjoy the next few minutes sharing ideas and tips that will bring an

abundance of meaningful experiences and relationships into your life.

Many of the suggestions and exercises are written for parents to use in building stronger

relationships with their child. They have been tested in years of parent education.

Why did I deliberately choose to leave them in that format when the reader may not have

children and wants this information for personal growth?

Parents and caring adults will make sacrifices of time, treasure, and talent to insure

happiness and well being for children, but will not do the same for themselves! They will

persevere in a course of action if they can see that the end result will be a stronger, more

confident child. Sometimes they forget that the most effective teaching method is to model

behavior. Do it for them and their future .

If you have no children, will you take your inner child by the hand and do these exercises

and read the guidelines as you wish the adults in your early life had done? Reparent that

child. Call that inner child by your name or nickname. Be lovingly detached as you treat

him or her as you wish you had been treated. Listen to your intuition (what you are being

taught from inside) to gain insight (seeing from within). Reframe

what you learned and get a fresh perspective. Do it for you and

your future .

You may want to have your journal or blank book nearby as you

answer the questions. You can also copy and paste this into a Word

document that will allow you to write on the manuscript. You may

also want a hand mirror handy for a couple of the exercises.


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Learning Occurs in Layers

Refer back often to this e-Book.

o Glance through at one sitting and see what areas or sections attract you.

o Print it out if you wish. What is your learning style? Are you an auditory

learner? Then read it aloud, especially the questions. Are you a visual?

Then perhaps it is enough to see it on the screen. Are you kinesthetic?

Then you definitely need to feel the paper, write on it, and experience it in

every way.

o Read again with purpose and intention; ponder the information and

suggestions.

o Use a highlighter to mark the sections that speak to you personally. Make

decisions based on your ultimate goal of improving communications with

both your inner and outer world.

o Read again with new understanding. Record your impressions and

intent ions.

o Join us in a tele-class to reinforce your goals and to gain support from other

people who are on a similar path.

It is your message. I am only the Messenger. Use it as you wish.

Words can be deadly weapons or protective layers of love. They can bruise and batter a

person, no matter how old, in the heart and spirit, just like physical blows can cause

damage to the physical body.

Because these bruises to the spirit are not readily apparent, many think that the damage is

easily repaired. However, while a verbal assault may be long forgotten by the offender, the

words and memory often stay with the victim. The emotional damage is carried in the heart

and confidence of a child forever.


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The opposite is also true. Compliments, encouragement and praise can shape lives and

futures for the better. A kind word and a pat on the back works wonders and fills the

emotional bank account with confidence and a desire to keep trying.

It only takes one person to believe in you for you to make it. Success is a joint effort.

Choose to see possibilities and people in a new way

I have included in green ink little teaching gems, or what my kids call “Mumilies” as a

takeoff on the word Homily, a sermon or writing with a moral lesson. They accuse me of

finding teaching moments in every day occurrences. It’s true. All life is a lesson.

Please join me in a global mission to bring kindness, respect, and confidence to each

person. One thought, one encouraging word, and the world can be a better place.

Be comfortable and open to these suggestions and know that I want only the best for you

and yours. Don’t get hung up on labels such as child, parent, teacher, him, or her.

Personalize the message and know in your heart that I am writing to you. You are a good

and loving person who wants to find solutions to daily irritants and problems or you

wouldn't have purchased this book.


4

Yes, You Are a Teacher

The real teacher in life is not experience or wisdom from books. It is little messages,

nudges of the spirit, and ideas that you will glean from millions of places every day. It is

the radio signals of thought you get from everyone you associate with on a daily basis.

You are like the miner who pans for gold dust in the river of life. There will be lots of

pebbles, rocks, and debris on the way to finding real gold. Sometimes it will feel like you

are facing an avalanche of information, both verbal and non-verbal triggers that cause

emotions and past experiences to roar into your mind and influence your choices and

reactions.

You alone are going to decide what is true, what applies to you, and what is valuable and

will enrich your life and the lives of others you interact with.

Over our kitchen door is stenciled the saying:

When the student is ready, a teacher appears.

In your life, you will sometimes be the student and sometimes be the teacher. Or both at

the same time!

Not only are you teaching other people, but you are teaching your subconscious mind to

look at old perceptions in a new way. You may find that the valuable gold nugget and

treasure you thought worthy of keeping is, in reality, just an old piece of stone. As you

learn new ways of positive behavior, you may need to reframe existing patterns that have

not served you well in the past.


5

Others will be drawn to you who need what you are learning. Many parents have never

been parented and so are looking for others to model. Please be willing to share with other

adults and caregivers what has worked for you and your plans and intentions to find a

better way in those areas that were not so successful.

Every one of us is teaching the next generation, whether we want to or not. Those of us

who care deeply about the children in our circle of influence need to teach them the values,

ethics, and standards that will help them to live successful and happy lives. Sometimes just

a smile and kind greeting to the teenager on the street can change his view of himself.

Being recognized and acknowledged as a fellow human being can add value and build the

inner core of esteem.

You will receive a valuable gold nugget of

information from every chapter. At the end of

the book you will have the opportunity to reflect

on what you have learned.


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Chapter 2

Self-Confidence is a Learned Skill

Being Positive, Grateful, and Confident is a Skill

You want to be self-confident and you want to build that inner core of

strength in your children and grandchildren or you wouldn’t have

purchased this book. You have taken the first step on a wonderful

journey that will help you to recognize and teach that you and yours are

good human beings and worthy of respect and love.

Even if you tend to see the negative or look at life with pessimistic eyes, it is possible to

change your viewpoint. Becoming an encouraging person with an attitude of gratitude is a

skill. It is not an overnight acquisition nor is it something that can be purchased. Skills

take work and practice. They take a dogged determination to overcome obstacles in order

to gain a reward.

It takes a process similar to improving any other skill you have conquered in your life.

Think back on when you learned to ride a bike, play an instrument, or speak a foreign

language.

In order to learn any skill you must have a deep desire to:

1. Be aware and clear in your mind of the advantages in learning something new and

incorporating it in your life.

2. Ask to be mentored or taught by someone you trust.

3. Learn the basics of the task or skill but don’t expect perfection right away.

4. Expect some setbacks and don’t become discouraged.

5. Set up a plan of action with measurable steps in order to reach an ultimate goal.

6. Focus on effort and use self-encouragement.


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7. Move forward and do something every day to take advantage of momentum.

8. Enjoy the skill as it becomes automatic action and enhances your life.

Changing your outlook to one of encouragement and positive outcome will be a life skill

that will not only affect you but everyone around you.

Why Do You Want to Build Confidence?

In order to change any long held thought, belief, or behavior you need to really think

through why you want to make the effort. Human Beings are only motivated to gain a

reward (“I want to be promoted, I want to make friends”) or avoid penalty (“I no longer

want to be lonely. I want to stand up for myself when my spouse talks down to me).”

What is in it for you? Why bother? What do you hope to gain? What will be your reward

for all the energy you extend? If you can’t answer this honestly, the chances are good you

also won’t finish this book. You might just as well put it on the shelf or give it to someone

else. There is no judgment here from me, so don’t judge yourself harshly either. The timing

may just be off. You may need to spend time pondering the WHY before you can say “Why

not.”

To start off, list three reasons why learning and incorporating this information will benefit

you and enhance your life.

1. _________________________________________________________________

2. _________________________________________________________________

3. _________________________________________________________________

Be Bold and Courageous. When you look back on

your life, you will regret the things you didn’t do

much more than the things you did.


8

WIIFM?

What’s in it for me?

Since I have asked you to be brutally honest about your motives, it is only fair that I do the

same. Why did I take the time, effort, and money to write this book for you? After all, I

may not know you personally and appear to have no vested interest in your future life. But I

do.

My goal is to touch the hearts of many people on a global basis and assist them as they

unlock the treasures in their soul. My message is to encourage mutual respect within

families, communities and nations.

The only way to do that is one heart and soul at a time. And then to ask them to share what

they have learned and been taught.

That is my WHY, and I cannot give up until it is done.

Keep Asking Why and Why Not?

My favorite way of teaching is to ask questions. Questions that challenge what we believe

and why we formed those thought patterns. Questions that empower the participant to look

deeply into the subconscious and see where the attitudes and perceptions are buried, and to

bring them out, and see if they are relevant today.

This book is filled with many questions, but no answers. There is no “right way” or

“expert solution.” The power is in your hands. You are “in”powered to change your mind

and life. It is an inside job. Neither I, nor anyone else has the right to tell you what to do

with your life. No one has the power to tell you how to feel, act, or react. You alone are in

a position to open your heart and mind and hear what your spirit or inner still small voice

is trying to tell you. I simply offer a few tools.


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Please know that I come from a place of non-judgment and I respect where and who you

are right now. I offer support in your quest if you desire and intend to be somewhere better

in the future. Many parents make significant life changes not for themselves, but because

they are hungry for a better life for their children.

Thank you for allowing me and mine to be on your success team and for being on ours by

purchasing books and tele-classes.

What is holding you back?

Before you can start on a journey to somewhere better, you have to be clear about where

you are right now. I am going to ask you to make a list of your insecurities. What does

your self-talk say? Is there something that makes you feel ashamed or unworthy? If so

give it a name and write it down. You can be specific (“I was teased in the second grade”)

or general (school and learning).

1. ___________________________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________________________

4. ___________________________________________________________________

5. ___________________________________________________________________

6. ___________________________________________________________________

7. ___________________________________________________________________

8. ___________________________________________________________________

9. ___________________________________________________________________

10. ___________________________________________________________________


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If you are uncomfortable, you can come back later and do this. You may want to add to the

list as you identify the triggers of your discomfort in assuming your power as the vibrant and

valuable human being that you are.

Remember that nobody is perfect, and we all see others at their best and ourselves at our

worst. Just be honest and open to what your spirit is telling you in this exercise.

Don’t waste time grieving over past mistakes.

Learn from them and move on.

A valuable lesson I hope you learn and pass on is that mistakes are not final. Everyone and

everything deserves a second chance. You deserve the best and I am confident in your

ability to impact the world by influencing others to make wise choices through the use of

encouragement and attracting the positive.

Most of us never reach our full potential

because of our fear of taking chances.


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Characteristics of Low Self-Confidence

There are universal characteristics of those who have low self-esteem and lack the confidence

to attract abundance in all areas of life to them. These factors often influence and detract

from the joy that a person may experience.

1. They are fearful of change. Many people with low confidence in the future come

from a basis of lack and live their life in fear of “what if…..” Low confidence people

tend to be re-active rather than pro-active.

2. They are pessimistic and tend to see the glass as half empty. By blaming

circumstances on other people they delay assuming personal responsibility for their

own choices.

3. They have difficulty communicating what they really want from life. They have

no clear idea of what they value and are muddy about goals and desires. When asked

what would make them happy, they give generalities (rich, thin, beautiful) rather than

specific ($200,000 a year, wearing size ten boot cut jeans).

4. They want to please others more than be true to themselves. The desire to have

peace at any price is more important than discovering their potential. Much like

chameleons (lizards that change colors to fit their environment) those who lack self-

confidence would rather blend in than stand out.

5. They are insecure and are drawn to others who also see themselves as victims .

They often form destructive and toxic relationships that reflect and increase their lack

of self-worth.

If you want to build a better world…

just build a better you!


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Characteristics of High Self-Confidence

There are also certain characteristics of those who have high self-esteem and confidence in

their ability to affect the journey of their life. These factors are universal and can be learned if

they are not present in your life right now.

1. They are ambitious. They want more from life than existence or survival.

2. They are goal oriented. They seek a challenge of completing and setting new goals

for themselves. They are not especially competitive, except against themselves. They

enjoy breaking their own records.

3. They are visionary. Rather than being stuck for too long, they can see themselves in

better circumstances and surroundings. They keep a picture of what success will be

like.

4. They have learned to communicate. They know how to ask for what they want and

to hear and heed advice and counsel. It is less important for them to be right than to

be effective. They listen more than they speak.

5. They are loving and kind. Those people who have a good inner self- image form

nourishing relationships instead of toxic ones. They have learned to detach from

relationships which do not allow them to be authentic.

6. They are attractive and open to others. Self-confident people are usually drawn to

one another. They vibrate their confidence in a way that attracts good things and good

people to them. Being attractive does not necessarily mean physically attractive in the

usual sense of the word, but rather spiritually beautiful.

Confidence, self-esteem or sure knowledge of who you are comes from self- inspection of core

beliefs, thought, and behavior patterns. It is an intimate experience that will take time and

honest reflection. Internal work is the hardest labor you will ever do in your life. There is no


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greater barrier to strong, healthy, and mutually respectful relationships than lack of

confidence.

If you hope to achieve a happy relationship with someone, nothing is more important than

healthy self-esteem and confidence, both for you and the other person. No greater barrier or

roadblock exists in relationships than the deep-seated feeling that one is not loveable or

worthy.

Phrases to Build Confidence

When you build confidence, both in yourself and others, use strong words that evoke a sense

of movement. For instance; “I can do it” is certainly stronger than “I can’t do it.” Contrast

that to “I choose to do it” which sounds more powerful and sure. The strongest is “I am going

to do it! I will start right now and practice it every day until it becomes automatic action.”

Making a decision that you can do something is great but making a commitment and an action

plan is even better.

The stronger the positive statements spoken with emotion and deep meaning, the more the

sub-conscious mind believes you and works to make it come true.

Here is a list of 15 encouraging words and phrases that will assist you or your child to keep

trying and increase self-esteem and confidence.

1. “I like the way you handled that.”

2. “Wow, you really thought out the solution to that problem.”

3. “I have faith in your ability.”

4. “I appreciate what you did.”

5. “You are really showing improvement.”

6. “I know you will figure out a good way to do it next time.”

7. “You don’t have to be perfect. Effort and improvement are important.”


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8. “I trust you to be responsible.”

9. “It must make you proud of yourself when you accomplish something like that.”

10. “You are a valuable part of the team.”

11. “It is okay to make a mistake, we all do. What do you think you learned from it?”

12. “How can we turn this into a positive?”

13. “I’m proud of you for trying.”

14. “I’ll bet by next year you will be able to handle it, you just need to grow a little.”

15. “I know you are disappointed that you didn’t win, but you’ll do better next time.”

We Create Our Own Reality

What we think about we bring about. The universe is composed of energy and it flows

between everything and everybody. When we think negative thoughts about others, or

ourselves, we literally act as a magnet drawing more and more negativity towards us. This

phenomenon is known as the Law of Attraction.

If you don’t value yourself you will attract people

who don’t value you either!

Negative thoughts drain energy and take away the courage to take risks and try new

things. When we are drained of energy we present a physical picture of drooping

shoulders, slack jaw, downcast and half-closed eyes, and slow dragging feet. This is not a

picture of confidence.

The more appreciation and gratitude we express to each other, the more positive the

interactions will be. Everyone is encouraged by a “thank you” and true appreciation of

effort.


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The non-verbal communication is one of being closed off to new information and

experiences. Be open and confident to attract the positive in life.

Mental Obstacles to Confidence

As we travel along the journey of life, it is natural to encounter obstacles and roadblocks.

Developing alternate plans or routes as stated earlier, will help get you back on track.

Many times the biggest hindrances to getting where we want to go are our old beliefs and

traditions which no longer serve us.

Our creative powers and authentic selves may become stifled and held back because we are

afraid to look foolish or risk rejection. Here are some suggestions on overcoming self-

imposed limitations.

• Meet fear head on: Ask yourself what is the worst thing that can happen if

you take action. If it isn’t death or the world coming to an end, then just do it.

• Mask negative self-talk: Avoid self-defeating thoughts and self talk. If you

think you are no good at math, you will avoid opportunities to learn new ways

to accomplish growth. Pay attention to what you are telling yourself and

simply override the thought with a more positive message.

• Manage the parts of a problem: Avoid being overwhelmed with change of

behavior or problem solving. Break it down into manageable parts and then

solve each section before moving on to the next.

• Move forward with the end in site: Create a clear picture in your mind of

what you want to accomplish. What will it look, feel, taste, smell, and sound

like when you accomplish your goal? Keep that vision in your mind and work

toward it each day.


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• Model what others have done: Is there someone who has already done what

you would like to do? Then ask them for input and adapt the suggestions that

feel right to you. Don’t reinvent the wheel. Your situation may be unique, but

there are many life skills that you can learn from others that are applicable to

all members of the human race.

• Mind map solutions: Put your ideas on paper and be open to inspiration.

Build a flow chart, diagram, or mind map in order to see the big picture and all

the components that will be necessary to accomplish your goal.

While our background and experiences may have had some influence on who we were, we

are fully in charge of who we are going to be.

We Are Hardwired For Success

Everyone, children and adults, learn and absorb life skills when what is right is pointed

out, rather than what was wrong. We all yearn to create positive reinforcement of what our

spirit already knows.

When most babies are born it is a natural instinct to move toward nourishment, to seek out

that which is good for us. I consider one of my greatest blessings to have been present and

assist with my youngest grandson’s births. Justus was a large baby, 9 lbs. 14 oz. and long

too. As the midwife placed him on our daughter’s stomach, preparing to deliver the

afterbirth, I witnessed a miracle.

The siblings, while not present during this birth, were waiting eagerly outside the door.

After greeting their new brother and kissing their mom, they became engrossed in

examining the placenta and learning from the midwife the various properties, functions,

and traditions associated with the sack of life.


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My eyes were focused on this minute-old infant and I saw him move upward and to the

right, seeking his mother’s breast. He knew where, how, and why he needed to succeed.

No one had to teach him to move toward the positive, just as no one had to tell him to

suck, hold his head upright, or roll over.

As humans, we move toward positive experiences. It is only fear which makes us doubt.

Your Mind, Spirit, and Inner Guidance Want You to Succeed

You were born with a yearning to achieve. Learn to quiet your mind and return to the

wholeness of the baby. That sense of wholeness is your authentic self. It is the real you

who is filled with potential and greatness.

Encourage yourself and others with whom you come in contact, to expand and reach for

the stars. If criticism or emotional abuse has stopped you, or a child in your circle, from

reaching the kind of joy that is our birthright, then reframe those experiences.

What was said that stopped your progress? Who said it? Why did they say it? Who was

around when it was said? What did you feel at the time? What promise did you make to

yourself at the time that may need to be re-examined now?


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The Three Most Negative Words in Language are:

Don't, Not, No

According to Michael Lozier, author of the best selling book The Law of Attraction,

"Whatever you give your attention, energy and focus to, you bring it into being.”

If I say, "Don't think of the Statue of Liberty” or “Don't think of a cowboy hat.” That is

exactly what jumps into your mind.

If you don't like the results you are getting, quit using the three words; don't, not and no.

To get different results, you need to change your frame of reference. Instead of focusing

on what you don't want in life, turn your attention to what you do want. While this is an

easy concept to understand, it takes practice, and recognizing when you are sabotaging

yourself. For example, “Dinner will be served at 6:00” (as opposed to “Don’t be late for

dinner”) or “I like to be talked to in a calm voice” (instead of “Quit yelling”).

Here is a little exercise to try. Keep a little card in your pocket today and make a check

mark every time you catch yourself saying or thinking negative. At the end of the day

transfer these negatives to the left-hand column of the chart below.

Then, in the right-hand column reframe the thoughts or words with a positive perspective

and see what happens. It is pretty amazing.

Negative Thought Positive Perspective


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Reframing means to change how you see, say, and interpret an experience. So, in order to

achieve more positive experiences with your family, friends, and associates and especially

with yourself, you must learn how to reframe your words and thoughts.

Identifying what you want and asking for it is the first step in The Law of Attraction. The

other two steps are: 1) believing that it will indeed happen in time, and 2) allowing it to

happen without putting up resistance and doubt.

You must be able to visualize the end product before beginning the process of obtaining it.

Can you see a specific picture of what you will look, feel, and experience when the goal is

reached?

Memorize and use the following phrase constantly to speed up your results:

So, What Do I Really Want?

When you quit expressing what you don’t want and start verbalizing what you do want,

your words and attitude change, and your results accelerate. It’s the Law of Attraction.

Find your passion, bliss or deepest wish. You deserve happiness and have been given tools


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to achieve what you really want in life. I believe in you and your right to move toward

success and joy. You must believe in yourself.

I enjoy working with parents to help them teach this concept to their children. When

children are fussy, and spiraling either in a meltdown or whirlwind, touch their arms in a

loving way and ask them; “What do you want or need right now? Is it a hug, a little time

out to calm down, or maybe some protein to make you think better?”

Very seldom is anger or frustration about the current event. It is usually some unmet

need. Dig deep down to discover the unmet need you or your child is experiencing and is

being manifested as outward unhappiness. Then use encouraging words and phrases to

change your experience and outcome.

Ask for what you want.

Nan Russell, a friend and motivational speaker has said:

“Poorly chosen words can kill enthusiasm, impact self-esteem, lower

expectations, and hold people back. Well chosen ones can motivate,

offer hope, create vision, impact thinking, and alter results. I learned

in 20 years in management my words have power over my thoughts

and actions. They also impact and influence people I speak them to.

If you want to be winning at working, learn to harness your word

power to work for, not against you; select words that create a visual of

the desired outcome; and choose each word as if it mattered. You

might be surprised how much it does.”


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Successful people recognize that present reality is only temporary. Instead of saying “Well, I

guess that is the way it is,” or “But that’s the way I have always done it” and accepting the

limits of their present reality, they build a new reality every day. They are not content to sit

around cursing fate, or blaming circumstances or even wishing their lottery number will

come up.

If you truly want to be a high performance person who experiences abundance in all areas of

life, you have to decide on the end results you are seeking. Build a clear picture in your mind

about what you do want. If you can see it, feel it, and believe it, you can achieve it. You

must be very authentic with yourself, both outwardly and inwardly.

The Three Most Positive Words

The three most positive words about your communication style both internally and

externally are:

You Can Change

It is not easy to change the habits and thinking patterns of our brain, but it is possible with

intensive, repetitive practice.

If you approach this just as you would approach practicing the piano, you will recognize

that you will have to do it over and over and over again until it becomes automatic action.

In order for your brain to really buy in and start making those changes permanently, you

need to be emotionally involved.

If you commit yourself to this type of practice you will soon be looking at old belief

systems and habits with new eyes and making wiser choices. Contrary to what you may


22

have previously thought about the abilities of a child or you as a child, there are always

options and choices in life. By reflecting on what we have done in the past we can make a

conscious decision to move toward more successful experiences and outcomes in the

future.

Take a moment to write down some of the beliefs or actions that you would like to change.

Instead of doing this I would rather do this

Please do not ever think you are a hopeless, helpless victim of your upbringing or past

experiences. The fact that you are now reading this book indicates that you recognize that

you alone have the power to do and be whom you desire.

You have the power to change those things in your life that have not been working. You

have the power to change your words, thoughts, and actions from negative and

discouraging to positive and encouraging.

There are resources out there that you will be drawn to that can assist you in your journey.

No one walks through this life alone. Thanks for inviting me along.


23

Never put a period where God has placed a comma.

Congratulations!

You found a gold nugget in Chapter 2!


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Chapter 3

Positive Action Follows Positive Thought

What is The Law of Attraction?

Recently in the news, because of the award-winning movie and book called The Secret,

this universal law has come into the forefront. Just as the law of gravity has existed

forever, it only became known and understood after Isaac Newton studied and wrote about

it. Universal laws exist and influence our lives whether we recognize and acknowledge

them or not.

The underlying premise in the Law of Attraction is that all matter and energy are drawn to

similar vibrations. Like is drawn to like. If you enjoy classical music, you are drawn to

others who have similar interests. It doesn’t mean that you don’t occasionally listen to

country western tunes, but you are more at ease, comfortable, and attracted to concerts

rather than hoedowns.

Notice that people who think and talk about building strong families and communities are

doing it. They are drawn to people, books, and classes about their favorite subjects.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. The more I thought

about the possible negative outcomes, the worse I felt. While it was important to do due


25

diligence and research my options, I realized my focus was on what could go wrong and I

turned up many negative outcomes and forums from fellow sufferers. Once I shifted my

intention to see what could go right, and began honoring the message from my body, I was

drawn to more positive people and actions.

We are each a living magnet that attracts people into our life who harmonize with our

dominant thoughts and emotions. If you are not happy with the people surrounding you,

ask yourself if it is your thoughts and negative expectations that cause them to interact that

way with you.

You are both the problem and the solution to everything in your life. When your thoughts,

words and actions are aligned with what you really want, you are filled with joy and

ecstasy.

You will get what you think and talk about. So, why not deliberately choose to

concentrate on what you do want instead of what you don’t want?

Possible Subconscious Beliefs Concerning Your Confidence

By not being authentic and true to our own inner guidance system, we prevent ourselves

from reaching our full potential. Here are a few possible beliefs that we may be holding on

to that are standing in the way of our success.

1. I don’t feel worthy to be successful.

2. As a child, my parents and other adults told me that I couldn’t do it. I still

believe them.

3. It’s a scary world out there and I need to be careful.

4. Who do I think I am some big shot?

5. I have tried before and failed. What if I fail again?

6. It is safer to stay in a job I hate. At least I get benefits and a paycheck.


26

7. I’m too: old, fat, dumb, uneducated, scared, etc.

8. Somebody will challenge me and I will be exposed as a fraud.

In order to overcome self-defeating patterns, we have to practice self-affirming patterns and

thoughts.

Positive Affirmations and Replacement Statements

1. I am worthy and lovable.

2. I have succeeded at many things in life.

3. There are more good people than bad people. Most people want to help.

4. I am a problem-solver and an asset to organizations.

5. Next time I will approach the situation differently.

6. I am capable and intelligent.

7. I am worthwhile and valuable.

Explanations Not Excuses

Everyone has some adversity in life that affects their performance from time to time.

Words, phrases, tone of voice, and body language can give a message of explanation and

create respectful understanding.

Whining, complaining or blaming in an effort to get sympathy often backfires and creates

distance in relationships.

Here is an example:


27

Explanation: My energy fluctuates in response to an autoimmune condition. I

seem to be better in the morning. Can we schedule it for the a.m.?

Excuse: You had better not count on me. I have this rare disease, etc. etc. etc. My

medical bills are so high and I have lots of appointments. Sometimes I can’t find

rides, etc. etc. etc.

A confident person explains what they can do, not what they can’t do. The words we use

to convince ourselves are almost as important as believing in the first place. I can is a

strong statement, but I choose is even stronger. The best words to instill confidence are I

am. By simply asserting our belief in this way we are establishing our belief that what we

want is not only possible, it is certain.

The Truth As We Believe It

One basic premise of life is that human beings think and act not in accordance with the real

truth, but with the truth as they believe it to be. Your self- image will cause you to behave

exactly as you believe you are worthy and capable of, whether it is serving you well or not.

Another basic premise is if we change the way we think, we change the way we act. You

can become aware that you are reacting emotionally to a situation and having negative

thoughts. When some innocent person triggers those negative reactions say “STOP”

emphatically three times. It sometimes helps to envision a stop sign. Saying a phrase or

affirmation out loud three times, and with emotion, sends a signal to our subconscious and

others that you mean business.

The third, and most important, premise is that the Law of Attraction will help us make our

dreams and intentions come true whether they are negative or positive.


28

It is really not something outside yourself that prevents you from using your full potential.

Often it is a belief that you hold in your brain. The big question that I have to ask you to

consider is:

What if you have engineered your career, future, actions, and relationships on

erroneous beliefs and incorrect information?

You are hindered not only by what you think, but what those around you think. If they

believe that you don’t have what it takes to succeed, then they give you that message

through either verbal or non-verbal communication. You interpret the message in your

brain as a fact simply because someone else told you so.

There is a power in three.

Tell yourself something three times and

your brain will believe it!

Every Time versus Some Times

Those who come from a negative viewpoint tend to think that their irrational statements are

absolutely undeniable and totally true.

• “I always get in the wrong line.”

• “I never get a break in life.”

• “Everyone else can find a partner, why can’t I?”

• “I screw up every single time I try, so I’ll give up.”

People who have a higher vibration level of confidence recognize the ebbs and flows in the

river of life.


29

• “Sometimes we find rocks, but sometimes it is a gold nugget.”

• “Occasionally I mess up, but I generally do a good job.”

• “Now and then the line at the grocery store is extra long, but that gives me a

chance to relax and look at a magazine.”

Life is not black and white, right or wrong.

Be conscious of your language and thoughts. Are you limiting experiences by assuming a

negative outcome? Be open to possibilities.

High Performers Choose What They Believe

Those who truly want to achieve all they can dream make a choice not to listen to those

who want to rain on their parade. They build blind spots to the naysayer, criticism, fear,

and you-can’t prophecies. They choose challenges and adventures that stretch them out of

their comfort zone and they do it with confidence.

Remember, your belief system is incredibly strong and powerful. If you change the way

you think, you will change the way you act.

Facts and Beliefs

In order to study how our minds affect our behavior, we must start from a level playing field

and mutual understanding of terms.

A fact is something that can be proved; it is known to be true and is

accepted by almost everyone. For instance: Math is taught in schools.

The sky is blue. The milk was spilled. No one is going to argue about

facts. They just are.


30

A belief is an idea felt to be true by some people but not everyone. It may

be true one time but not another. It is like an opinion or a part of a

conversation where you start off with “I think…” Beliefs are what

people think about facts. “I think I am good at math because I always

get good grades in math subjects.”

Rational beliefs make sense and most people would not argue about them.

They may not be true for everybody all the time; they are true

sometimes for some people. For instance: “I think algebra is the

hardest part of math.”

Irrational beliefs don’t make sense and are not true. People who have

irrational beliefs are usually angry a lot, pessimistic and have low self-

esteem. For instance: “No one should have to take algebra in school.

It is a waste of time and the teachers are trying to ram it down the

throats of kids so they can get a pay raise.”

Self Talk

Most of us do not even realize the number of irrational beliefs that run through our mind

every day. Some of those destructive, irrational thoughts are: “I must be good at everything

or people won’t like me.” “My boss is out to get me.” “If only…….” “It’s your fault I feel

this way, you make me upset.” “I can’t help feeling this way because……” “No one will

ever love me because I was abused as a child.”

A lot of self- talk is based on beliefs that we think are facts. We maintain that something is

true just because we have said it so many times. A mind takes everything you say literally,

and then causes you to act automatically like your belief. Your subconscious is more

concerned with proving that you aren’t crazy for believing what you do than discovering the

real truth.


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Our self- talk and irrational beliefs cause us to move toward what we think about the most.

It’s hard to be depressed if you don’t think depressing thoughts and repeat them over and

over all day. If your subconscious believes something it will work hard to make it happen.

Try saying depressing and negative words while you do the smiling exercise. Can’t do it,

can you? Your face and body language expresses what is in your mind.

One can no more be mean and happy at the same time

than an orange can be both sour and sweet.


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Your Core Beliefs

How did you develop a belief system about what you could accomplish in life?

State a belief you hold: _____________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Ok, here is an experiment to demonstrate how to peel the layers from a

belief to find the core of that belief. Ask yourself why, what is the

cause of that? Peel the artichoke.

Example: I always clean my plate.

Why: Because I think it is wasteful to throw food away.

Why: Because we work hard for our money and want to be frugal.

Why: Well, because we want to make sure we have enough to last our lifetime.

Why: Well, because we have friends who are spending money now and not

preparing for the future. They just go out to eat and have fun.

Why: Because maybe they aren’t aware that you could lose everything in a minute.

Why, what is the cause of this thought? Well, my parents lost their business in the

depression and they really pounded into us kids that we had to be prepared for a

disaster. Besides, there are starving children in Africa!

Ah-ha. So that is the core belief! Let’s examine it. Are we having a depression or

recession right now? Do you have money in the bank? Are you generally careful with

spending? Do you have options should something catastrophic happen? Go to work at

McDonalds, call friends, and apply for welfare. Lots of options.


33

Even if you don’t have options, in the worst case scenario, would the food you eat today last

very long? Even if you eat everything on your plate will there still be starving children in

Africa? Could you give money to organizations that help starving children and still be

okay? Yes!

Answer this question: Even if you eat every single thing on your plate and pick up the plate

and lick it clean, are you still going to be hungry again in about four hours? The food you

eat from that plate will not keep you from getting hungry. It is a fact that you will get

hungry again.

Think about Thanksgiving and how stuffed and uncomfortable you are. You taste the

stuffing and vegetables and turkey and ham, etc. How about the potatoes and gravy? Good

huh? But did you know that you can have mashed potatoes and gravy every single day for

the rest of the year? You can cook another turkey, another ham, and more pies. There is

plenty of more food out there.

Even when you overeat, you still get hungry again. So, even if you personally ate everything

on the table, let alone your plate, you would still get hungry again. Your body would

require fuel in four hours.

So, you don’t need to clean your plate, not now or ever again. Then this is not a belief that

you need to hold and honor. It is simply not true for you, if it ever was. You may have

incorporated a belief or attitude that was misinformation or even misinterpreted by your

youthful mind. It no longer serves you, so are you ready to let it go.


34

Why, What is the Cause of That?

Belief: ___________________________________________________________________

Why, what is the cause of that? _______________________________________________

Why, what is the cause of that? ______________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________


__________________________________________________________________________


__________________________________________________________________________

What is the Core Belief: ____________________________________________________

Is this based on information that’s relevant for me today? ________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Congratulations!



35

Chapter 4

Communication is More Than Just Words

Same Words, Different Message

I would like to ask you to do an interactive experiment with me for a few minutes. The

word we are all going to use is “Oh.” A very common word and one we use a number of

times every day.

As you read through the list of situations, I will ask you to say the word

“Oh.” That is all there is to it, except I am also going to ask you to say it

to a mirror. Pause for just a moment to really reflect on each situation

before moving to the next one. Does a picture come into your mind?

Be truly present in that experience. Give yourself some time to shift

emotions to the next situation.

I want you to be aware of the facial expressions, tone of voice, emotions you are feeling,

especially where you are feeling them in your body. Do your shoulders tighten? Are you

leaning forward, or backing away? Does your heart feel light? Are you smiling? What are

your hands doing? What are your emotions?

Situations that you observe or react to by just saying "Oh"

* Seeing a new baby

* Seeing something you want on sale

* Winning a prize

* Being interrupted

* Receiving a gift


36

* Receiving a reprimand at work

* Being put on hold again

* Seeing a sunset

* Having a headache

* Having a fender bender

* Having warm lotion rubbed on your back

* Getting just what you want on your birthday

* Getting good news from the doctor

* The sun is shining and the grass is green

* Someone saying I love you

* Getting an unexpected check

* Getting an unexpected bill

* Having your child tell you about being sad

* Being surprised

* Being afraid

* Being so angry you can’t speak

* Being spiritually touched

* Seeing on caller ID your mother called

* Receiving a letter from a friend

Now try it using the words Ahh or Wow

Isn’t it amazing how your tone of voice, body language, and thought pictures changed with

each expression of the same word? What images came into your mind? If you had

experienced that situation personally of seeing a new baby, or being spiritually touched did

you have a flashback?

Could you see in your mind’s eye the other players that were there at the time? Do you

have any idea what they were feeling? What do you think they were thinking or feeling at

the time? How did you know? Did their intentions match their actions?


37

Learning Empathy

Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand somebody else’s feelings or

difficulties. It is often conveyed in non-verbal communication or vibrations of emotions.

Learning to be aware of not only the spoken, but the unspoken as well, allows you to go

outside of your perceptions and gain a deeper understanding of the other point of view.

Now, ask yourself how you would feel just hearing someone else say "Oh" in each

situation. Become an observer in your mind of someone you know going through these

emotions. If you just came into the room, what would be your perception of their feelings?

How would it make you feel? Are hearing and experiencing the whole story? Are you

taking their reactions personally?

Difference Between Empathy and Pity

Empathy is a healthy reaction to another’s plight. You see the situation with a detached,

loving, and non-judgmental view. You may be able to offer support and asked-for advice

on “their problem,” or you may just need to listen as they talk.

Pity is an unhealthy assumption that you must assume ownership of “the problem” and

make it yours. Pity sends a subtle message to both the parties involved that you know that

best outcome. It makes the assumption that you are strong and the other party is weak.


38

Reading Signals Others Send Out

Can you interpret their feelings and emotions from their words? How about actions and

body language? Tone of voice? Do their life experiences change the way they react to

situations? Can you understand a little better why they react the way they do?

When others send out signals of emotion they impact others

around them. Our emotional response radiates or vibrates out

like radio waves. How those waves are accepted or rejected

depends on those who witness, or are in the vicinity of, the

sender. If the message they are sending is encoded as radio

station 102.7 and as you turn your dial that station comes on

your radio, you will get what they are sending out. If you are

not right on the frequency, you will get a garbled message.

As a listener and participant, is what you got on your radio signal congruent with your taste

in music? Did you understand what they were trying to convey to you? How would you

feel? Would you feel empowered? Or discouraged? Did you pick up on their emotional

vibrations? List some interactions you had this last week.

Message Sent Out Message I Received


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Are you reacting to what you think they are saying?

Are your first thoughts about yourself and how the message will impact you? Do you

assume that it is personal? If what you hear is not pleasing to you, do you react by

changing the dial on the radio or shutting it off without listening and giving it a chance?

Sometimes we set up a situation expecting a critical response, and so we anticipate it, and

react without understanding that what we heard was not actually what was said.

Many radio stations change formats and sometimes we judge them by old standards. What

they did and said yesterday or last year is past. That was then, this is now. We cannot

fairly anticipate what communication is coming now from what we received last year, last

week or even yesterday.

Can others pick up on how you are feeling or reacting? Do the hairs on the back of your

neck go up just discovering that your mother is coming for a visit? When your boss calls

you in the office do you become defensive and fold your arms across your chest and stand

with your legs far apart, as if braced for bad news?

Smile!

Okay, bring out your hand mirror again. You will need it for this

exercise. Many cognitive counselors (which mean they work on

present behavior and future goals, but don’t dwell on what happened

to you in the past) suggest smiling. That’s right. Smiling! I agree and

use this technique often when I am overwhelmed or stressed out.

The expressions on your face can actually send a message to your brain to register certain

emotions. So look in the mirror and smile for two full minutes. It is not as easy as it

sounds! However, you will soon find that anger, resentment, low energy and sad thoughts


40

are lessened. You will feel happier with yourself and more confident about your ability to

overcome obstacles by just smiling.

Explore Your Magnificence

Don’t you feel lighter and more upbeat after the last exercise? Is your mind more focused

on happy thought? Since your vibrationa l energy is up after smiling, now is the time to take

a look at your positive attributes.

Everyone is an expert at something. What do you excel at? Can you find lost keys? Can

you make a mean chocolate chip cookie? What can you do better than anyone you know?

Give yourself credit for what you do right:

1. ____________________________________________________________________

2. ____________________________________________________________________

3. ____________________________________________________________________

4. ____________________________________________________________________

5. ____________________________________________________________________

6. ____________________________________________________________________

7. ____________________________________________________________________

8. ____________________________________________________________________

9. ____________________________________________________________________

10. ____________________________________________________________________


41

Communication is More Than Just Talking

If we are sending and receiving multiple messages with a single word, multiply that by the

many words and phrases said in a day. The impact of communications in relationships

becomes much more complex when we realize that the spoken words are just the tip of the

iceberg.

It is amazing, isn't it? Are you beginning to see how powerful words and body language is

in our interactions with others? A touch is worth a thousand words. There is nothing that

signifies acceptance and value as much as a pat on the back, spontaneous hug, high five or

a kiss on the cheek.

Talking is only part of communications and building relationships. Your thoughts,

intentions, and body language are as important, if not more so. The ability to communicate

and share effectively with others is one of the most necessary skills you will ever develop.

What you think about, you talk about.

What you talk about, you bring about.

Experts agree that only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we

say. Another 30 percent is represented by the tone of voice, and 60 percent by our body

language. When your thoughts are negative or self-deprecating, you will send out that

message in words and actions.

If you want to interact successfully with others and with your own subconscious, you must

do so with love and understanding. Use encouraging words that motivate forward

movement, rather than criticism that stops progress, and attracts more negative behavior.


42

No Shame or Blame

I have been teaching classes and workshops on family relations for 25 years and have

heard many stories of hurtful self- images or damaging confidence that have come from

supposedly well-meaning and loving family members and caregivers. Never say, “Mom

doesn’t like you when you whine.” Or “Either you straighten up or I will leave you at the

store and the police will come and take you to a foster home.”

Address the problem that needs to be solved, but don’t lay blame or shame on the other

person. Trying to find out who is at blame and why they committed the terrible, horrible,

no good rotten trick of leaving the lid off the jam jar, is a waste of time and sets up an

atmosphere of avoiding responsibility.

Communicate unconditional love and separate the person from the unacceptable behavior.

Just go right into the solution or what you want to have happen. “The lid is off the jam.

What do we do now?” If a child knows that it is okay to occasionally mess up and that the

solution is apparent, he or she will figure out the problem and assume personal

responsibility. The child will probably learn to put the lid back on the jam, but it is the life

lesson of confidence in his or her ability to problem-solve that is the most valuable.

Think about your feelings and the feelings of the person with whom you are

communicating. Make sure your words and actions will build good will and happiness.

For more information on this subject check out Discipline Without Damage, a powerful

eBook available at www.ArtichokePress.com.

Congratulations!



43

Chapter 5

Building Respectful Relationships

The Five Things That Matter in a Communication

1. What is said?

2. How it is said.

3. Who is saying it?

4. Why is it said?

5. How do you receive and perceive it?

Let's discuss the four things that matter most in interactions and see how you can use

words and actions to achieve better outcomes. Often true feelings are not clearly

demonstrated or understood and so mixed messages are sent out or received.

1. What is said is the message in words.

Sometimes changing the words can convey a

completely different meaning.

For instance: if a parent uses a sarcastic tone to tell a child, who has spilled his milk, "You

are so clumsy, what a klutz." The child will incorporate that information into a belief

about the kind of person he or she is and will become. It is a fact that the milk was spilled,

this is a true happening. But the child forms a belief that he or she is a klutz.

In the very best of homes and strongest of families remarks are made that are hurtful,

unkind, or misinterpreted. For instance: Travis came home from school sad because he

was not chosen for class play. He is feeling vulnerable and desperately needs reassurance

that he is a good person. However, when he stands close to his mother while she is on the

phone, she frowns and makes a shooing message at him with her hands.


44

Even if the parent feels the comment was meant to help prevent accidents, the child senses

from the facial expression and demeaning tone that correcting behavior is a judgment on

his or her character.

As your child is growing and maturing he will repeat and reinforce those words over and

over again in his mind, every time he accidentally drops a paper or trips over a rug. He

will begin to define himself by those words and even tell others that he is clumsy and a

klutz.

The mind chatter and belief system will become a self- fulfilling

prophecy.

As an adult, he will become self- limiting in taking chances for fear

he will screw up or make a mistake in an important project. He has

actually become dis "couraged" and lacks the courage to try. He is

afraid to take a risk because he might prove his parent to be right. That long ago sarcastic

criticism took away his courage to proceed.

On the other hand, as an adult he has the ability to look at the words and descriptions still

running through his mind and decide which of them are actually appropriate and which are

not true now, nor ever were true. Perhaps that belief system needs to be replaced or

reframed.

2. How it is said has to do more with tone of voice and

facial expression than with the actual words spoken.

One time our son, who was six at the time, told me to stop yelling at him. When I denied

even raising my voice, he said, "Your voice wasn't yelling, your face was." His comment

made me realize that my mind was still on a problem at work and my expressions were

harsh.


45

Consider the range of feelings conveyed by non-verbal communication. Remember the

saying "Oh" in different situations exercise at the front of the book?

A smile can communicate happiness, anxiety, or even contempt. If our body language is

stiff, the other person may interpret that as conveying superiority or even uncertainty.

The same words or phrases can convey very different messages. Each person is unique

and we must learn to listen and watch careful to correctly interpret what is said.

If you don't understand a message, then ask the speaker what they mean and to explain, so

there will be no misunderstandings. Even if a remark was made years ago it is not too late

to clarify it if the message you internalized was actually what was intended.

3. Who is saying it? The identity of the person who is

saying the words or sending the non-verbal message

makes a difference. If the listener perceives that the

speaker is one of authority, the message carries more

weight.

When I conduct life story writing retreats and classes, almost everyone responds when I

ask who can remember a pivotal moment from childhood. I am always amazed at the

power to hurt or heal those parents, teachers, and other adults in positions of authority,

hold in their hands.

4. Why is it said? What is the motivation or goal behind the

words? Are you trying to persuade, discipline, educate,

gain acceptance, display power, gain an advantage, enlist

help, ask for a favor, give an opinion, or even offer a

suggestion? Perhaps the intent was to show caring and

love, but the speaker did not know how to come right out

and say the words.


46

What is the goal you subconsciously hope to accomplish? Sometimes it is necessary to tell,

and other times to teach, in a mutually respectful way. Could you convey your message by

not saying anything? Frequently the most important part of the communication is non-

verbal, such as nodding your head to indicate agreement.

5. How do you receive and perceive it? Where were you

emotionally when the communication took place? Were

you feeling fearful, angry, or vulnerable? Were you

expecting criticism, so you heard the critical remarks and

overlooked the parts that were positive? Or were you

feeling strong and confident that you had tried your best

and so were able to let anything negative slide off? Did

someone praise or compliment you and you accepted it

with grace?

Your self-esteem is cumulative rocks and gold nuggets which your thoughts and emotions

have deposited in your miner’s pan since you were a child.

A friend told me that their parents never said the words, “I love you.” It was only in

reflection and through self-growth that he could recognize the spoken words, “Take your

sweater, it might get chilly today” was their way of saying they cared about him as an

individual. Sometimes his mother said nothing but handed him the sweater. Their intent

was to express compassion and love but lacked the skill and ability to express it openly.

Perhaps they did not know how, because they had never been told.

It doesn’t matter now because my friend recognizes the underlying message and is

breaking the vow of silence by openly telling his children of his love.

Don’t tell, laugh at, or tolerate any racial, ethnic, gender or religious jokes or innuendoes.

Make them unacceptable for you to verbalize or publish on the Internet.


47

If you realize that many of your interactions contain the unspoken intent of belittling or

demeaning another, then find another way. Find a method of communication that builds

not belittles.

Analyze a Recent Conversation

1. What was said? _________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

2. How was it said? _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

3. Who said it? ___________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

4. Why was it said? _______________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

5. How did you perceive it? _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________

Attracting a Positive Reaction

The spilled milk scenario could have been handled in a way that created self-esteem, trust,

and competency. The goal was to acknowledge spilled milk. That message could have

been conveyed by the adult saying, "Whoops, accidents happen. Here are some paper

towels, clean it up please." If the child didn't get all the milk, then perhaps, "You are

almost there, just a little more and you will have done it."


48

This is the child's problem and he should be allowed to clean it up and rectify the situation.

By not making a big deal of the situation, the parent is saying, "I have confidence in your

abilities. You are a problem-solver and it was an accident. Accidents happen."

A similar negative scenario signaling low expectations is created by “watch-out”

comments. Have you ever said to your child?

"Don't spill the milk. Be careful or you will spill

your milk. You almost spilled your milk. How

many times do I have to tell you to not spill your

milk?”

And sure enough, the milk gets spilled!

That which we think about and speak about, we bring about. Why not just move the milk

away from the edge of the table.

If you expect bad things to happen they will.

And if you expect good things to happen they will.

The more you talk and think about what you don't want, the more you get what you don't

want. It is called the law of attraction and it works.

Stop thinking about negatives and worrying about what will or could happen, and focus on

the positive parts of life that bring you joy.


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When is it Verbal Abuse?

Verbal, emotional, or mental abuse is more than just slinging insults. Body language of a

dismissive shrug, eye-rolling, sneer or raised eyebrow can turn a seemingly inoffensive

statement into a nasty and hurtful dig. With physical abuse, there is no doubt that the

abuser meant to hurt you and you have the bruises to prove it. However, with emotional

abuse, the scars and wounds are internal.

In the experience of many participants in my family workshops the three most common

types are:

• Names: Being called dirty or derogatory names is unacceptable. When

someone calls you stupid, lazy, bitch, or any other labels it hurts your spirit

and makes you feel uncomfortable.

• Shame: Critical, sarcastic, mocking words meant to put you down either

alone or in front of other people. They make you feel less than you are.

• Blame: Verbal abusers are great manipulators and will rearrange what

happened to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Somehow, if only

you had been perfect it wouldn’t have happened. Your feelings are

dismissed and they do not want to discuss any topic where they might have

to take responsibility.

Responding to Verbal Abuse

If a person you are close to habitually dismisses your feelings, calls you demeaning names,

or makes you feel of little consequence, you are being verbally abused.


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Like other forms of abusive behavior, verbal abuse usually escalates unless you become

empowered and set some boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. If it escalates

to physical abuse of you or your children, leave. Personal safety is more important than

the relationship.

The power to destroy or build lies in the power of the tongue.

Toxic vs. Nurturing Messages

One of the most significant ways to assist our children as well as the inner child within

each one of us to become a fully functional and authentic person is to communicate in a

positive way.

This means that your inner dialog is filled with positive affirmations and encouragement

rather than putdowns and negative statements. Nurturing communication says, verbally

and nonverbally, “I love and accept you. You are valuable and worthy.”

It also means putting a permanent stop to any comment that will indicate judging,

belittling, blaming or fault- finding. It may mean that you will have to practice new

approaches when anger, frustration or old patterns trigger old

responses.

Strive to be part of the construction team,

Not the demolition crew.

Begin today to speak in nurturing ways that build, support and enhance. Pause before you

lash out. Replace subtle, destructive and negative messages with positive, nurturing and

caring ones.

Setting Boundaries in Relationships


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Boundaries are like fence lines that protect the precious heart and soul inside our bodies. It is

important when we build and maintain those lines of protection that we make decisions about

what is and what isn’t permissible in all relationships.

Boundaries are Valuable!

If we don’t honor ourselves enough to draw the line and stick to it consistently, it doesn’t

matter how elaborate the fencing and eloquent our statements are. It is just as valuable to the

other person that they learn how to be with you and what the guidelines are for the

relationship.

All relationships work more harmoniously when the participants know what to expect and

what is expected of them. Being kind, but firm, when stating what you need from a

relationship allows the other person to reciprocate. How other people act and think often has

nothing to do with you, but rather with their own perceptions. You can only take care of

yourself.

Make sure you appear confident and you speak with a neutral, calm and non-accusing tone

when establishing your boundaries. Use “I” statements which reflect on how things affect

you, rather than “you” statements which put people on the defensive. If necessary, put your

palm up in a “Stop” position to indicate that they have crossed the boundary.

Treat arguments like weeds—

Nip them in the bud.


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Top Ten Tips for Setting Boundaries

Jamie McCarvey, a friend and successful life coach, shared the following list for successfully

setting boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are an important part of creating a life that

works well for you. Boundaries are lines of protection that you draw in your life. You decide

what is and isn’t okay and then hold people and yourself to these boundaries. Developing this

skill is an important part of living a life you love. The first step is to decide that you value

yourself enough to draw these lines and the second is that you value others enough to teach

them how to be with you.

1. Be Compassionate. Setting boundaries can be an act of compassion. You are a

teacher. Teaching others how to be with you and modeling an important skill for

communication. Being compassionate and setting boundaries can go together.

Empathize with where they are coming from and set the boundary.

2. Flat Tone of Voice. When you are setting a boundary it is critical that your voice

convey a neutral tone without anger or judgement. If there is a charge to your

communication then the message can get lost and the clarity of the boundary becomes

clouded. Practice speaking in a calm, kind, but firm voice so it feels natural.

3. 4-Step Model. Use this 4-step model to set boundaries. It is simple and effective and

can keep your communication on track. This will be explained in detail shortly.

4. Practice. Find someone to help you practice your new skill. When you get more

confident then you can start setting boundaries with others in your life. Start setting

boundaries with people who will offer little resistance, and then move up to more

challenging people. Get a feel for what it is like to draw the line.

5. Body Language of Confidence. Watch your body language. Do your shoulders

slump? Do you look down when you are talking? Do you mumble? Do you fidget?

Start becoming aware of how you come across. You want your body language to


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communicate confidence so challenge yourself to hold your shoulders back, sit up

straight, and make direct eye contact.

6. Use “I” Statements. When you are speaking be responsible for the words coming out

of your mouth. Make “I” statements that reflect how things affect you, what you

believe, or your ideas. “You” statements can put people on the defensive and detract

from effectively communicating your boundary.

7. Don’t Take Things Personally. How other people behave, act, and think often has

nothing to do with you. It has to do with their life experiences, their beliefs and the

agreements that they have with the world. You must be responsible for your own

communication and not take their reactions personally.

8. Find Your Own Words . Listen to how others talk. Learn different ways to language

what you want to say and read how others communicate and set boundaries. Then

develop your own way to speak.... find your own voice and your own style of

expression. That way it will be natural for you.

9. Don’t Assume Responsibility for Others . Don’t assume responsibility for other

people’s feelings. Again this has much more to do with them and their views of the

world. Create clear direct ways of communicating and allow others to feel how they

choose.

10. Be Aware of Your Own Sensitivity. When you first begin setting boundaries you

might be very sensitive to what people ask of you or how they relate to you. You have

opened up a new awareness and you may be viewing your communication in a

completely new light. This is great, but it can also get in the way if you jump ahead in

the model or your new sensitivity affects the tone of your voice.


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4-Step Model for Setting Boundaries

To be effective in changing your old patterns and your expectations in others you must be:

Kind. Firm. Consistant.

Use the following dialog to practice this new skill. Remember to keep your tone of voice

non-aggressive. With your facial expression, body language, and verbal language give the

message: “I want to be kind but firm. This is important to me and I am serious.”

1. Inform the person in a non-combative tone of voice of your boundary. “I can hear you

when you speak in a regular tone of voice. Did you realize you were yelling?”

2. Request that they honor your boundary. “I ask that you talk to me without yelling.”

3. Insist that they honor your boundary, again with a firm but kind voice, “I insist that

when we are talking we talk in calm voices.”

4. Leave the situation. Now is not the time or place to continue communicating with

someone who refuses to respect your boundaries. Leave the door open to talk later in

a more respectful manner. Continue to maintain a calm but firm voice and say, “I will

not continue this conversation in this way. I welcome an opportunity to talk with you

without yelling or screaming. Let me know if you decide to visit without raised

voices.”

True unhappiness comes from giving up what you

really want for what you want right now.


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What Boundary Would You Like to Establish?

Write out the statements that will help you practice setting a relationship boundary. Practice

saying it out loud in front of the bathroom mirror until the language becomes comfortable for

you. Take back your power. Accepting their demeaning treatment allows them to have

control over how you feel.

1. Inform_______________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

2. Request______________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

3. Insist________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

4. Leave________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

Don’t take it personally if they reject your request to be treated with respect. You cannot

assume responsibility for other people’s feelings, agendas or methods of communication.

You can only state how you desire to be treated in life.

If there are old patterns, it may take some time to convince others that you are serious about

sticking to your boundaries. Everyone has the right to be treated with respect and courtesy.

At first, people you know may be surprised when you tell them they have crossed the line, but

with persistence they will eventually respect you more. Hopefully, they will model this

communication style and it will make for more honest and open relationships in your life.


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Be a “Good Finder” Not a “Fault Finder”

It seems to come naturally for some people to be nit-pickers as if they were mother

monkeys looking for the tiny bugs on their children. They search, scratch and dig until

they uncover the tiniest of irritants. Then they wave it triumphal as if they have uncovered

a secret treasure! You can almost hear them and their human counterpart saying; “I am

only doing this for your own good. I wouldn’t dig and scratch at you, if I didn’t love you.”

Nit-pickers can always spot a flaw, a weakness, a vulnerable place or tender spot.

Criticism comes natural and flows from the verbal and non-verbal communication with

relationships. Unfortunately, many people are not even aware that there is a better way to

motivate cooperation and encourage good behavior.

We need to convey through words and gestures that we appreciate our childrens’ efforts and

improvement, not just their accomplishments. It is imperative they understand that our love

and acceptance is not dependent on their behavior or getting an A in math.

By being on the lookout for the good and positive actions and commenting on them, both

the child and parent will create a positive expectancy of finding mostly things to be proud

of.

You don’t always get what you want.

But you usually get what you expect.

Congratulations!



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Chapter 6

Encouragement is a Gift of Courage

Give a Gift of Courage

Encouraging words are a gift of courage. This gift is one of bravery, daring, and valor,

giving you permission to take risks and to keep on trying. While it is important to give

words of encouragement to others, it is vital to give them to yourself.

You are the master of your belief system and it is time to recognize that old negative

thoughts are no longer serving you. It is up to you to pause along the journey of life

occasionally to give yourself a pat on the back. And then another. And another.

Choose one day to make a mark on your hand every time you do

something right. You will run out of space. You do much

better than you think you do.

Give yourself and others the beautiful gift of encouragement. Express that message along

with some "atta-boys" many times a day.


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Encouragement or Discouragement of Ourselves

How do you typically define yourself? Do you tell yourself and others that you are

disorganized, financially challenged or not good enough?

Why not make a list of the negative ways you describe yourself. Are the descriptions

accurate or just a point of view? Look over your list of words and phrases and really think

about how those definitions limit your ability to accomplish all that you deserve in life.

Reframe your Viewpoint

Words I use to describe myself

The positive side of that trait


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If your list includes the description “disorganized,” then think about how to make that a

positive. Tell yourself, “It may appear to others that I am disorganized, but I realize that I

have the ability to multi- task.”

If your list includes the word “clumsy,” then examine the reason as a rational, mature

adult. Reframe the memory by saying, "Yes, it was clumsy to spill the milk when I was 10

years old, but it was an accident. It is time to forgive myself for knocking the glass over,

and my father, for yelling at me.

This can be done by telling oneself, “It is time to move on and change my frame of

reference. I am not clumsy now, if I ever was. I know how to put the milk away without

spilling it. Besides, it was only milk and cost less than a dollar and is not worth the

importance I have given it in my mind. I know now and accept that accidents happen to

every one. I have allowed the thoughts of then to become a belief of now. But no more!”

Says Who?

Nobody knows Nellie, like Nellie knows Nellie.

If they don’t live in your heart and head, don’t let them tell you

who you are, and what you accomplish.


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Looking for the Gold in the Rocks

If you think you are this way

Then you also have this quality

Bossy

Leadership, bold, adventurous

Daydreamer

Inventive, deep thinker

Stubborn

Tenacious, determined, focused

Shy

Self-contained, calm, listener

Pushy

Determined, daring, curious

Fat

A person of substance, warm,

approachable, comfortable

Unattractive

Unique and special

Loner

Independent, resourceful

Lazy

Looking for right opportunity, needs

new methods of motivation


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Next Time and Up Until Now

No matter how good you feel about the successes you have had and the satisfaction of trying

your hardest, there will still be times when life smacks you in the side of the head. When

you do a good job, feel good about it! Those thoughts will help you attract more feel good

times.

When you have not been successful and you are looking for a positive message to come

from a mistake, think “next time!” and decide how you will handle that kind of situation

should it ever happen again.

There is a huge difference between having failed and being a failure. There is also a

difference between making a mistake and being a mistake.

If you are tempted to wallow in self-pity and give yourself a negative label, instead think

“up until now.” Remember you are constantly changing and there is no reason to think that

the way things were is how they will be in the future.

Direct your thoughts and self-talk towards those things that you feel good about having

done, or the activities that you are looking forward to in the future.

Home, A Safe Harbor

The family and home can strengthen the individual

members and provide a support system for the group.

This is the place where, hopefully, family members, no

matter how old or beaten down by experiences in life, can

return for acceptance and reassurance. All too often, however, it is in the family circle

where discouragement and judgment are daily occurrences.


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Being a diligent finder of the good effort and stages of changes for the better will set a

belief for all members of the family that they are worthy, capable, and making progress. By

shifting to looking for the good and positive, you will find others responding in even more

open and respectful ways.

Use encouraging words and the Law of Attraction to build a culture of mutual respect. The

support system in the home will, hopefully, build confidence and lay a foundation of

independence and value for all members.

Many parents tell me how much they love their children and would willingly die for them.

When I ask them how often they share that unconditional affirmation of love with the

children, they are surprised. They assume that children can tell they are loved because

they have food on the table, a roof over their head and a parent on the sidelines of the

soccer game.

However, children, especially young ones, cannot see things in abstract. They are not able

to make a connection between food on the table and love. They tend to think in terms of

themselves and so when Mom is cranky or Dad has a scowl on his face, they tend to

assume the blame.

Never waste an opportunity to show and tell your children

that your love is not dependant on what they do,

but simply because they are.


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Put Down vs. Pull Up Messages

To illustrate the effects of belittling comments and snide remarks among siblings, we had

our son sit in a chair and pull on his sister’s arm while she was standing next to him. He

pulled and pulled until she too was sitting down.

Then we asked him to evaluate where their heads were in position to where they had been

before. He proudly boasted, “Well, now she is the same height as I am.” My husband then

asked him if he was any taller. While she was now shorter in stature, he had not grown

any.

Suddenly the light of understanding went on when he realized that pulling someone down

doesn’t build you up. His sister told him she would have willingly pulled him up to her

height had he asked her to instead of resisting his actions to pull her down.

It was a powerful visual lesson that if you want to grow taller in understanding or skills,

ask for a pull up, not a put down.


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Powerful Positive Phrases that Promote Confidence and Cooperation

Try saying these out loud to yourself and others. Check for the reaction. Speaking and

hearing positive affirmation makes both individuals and relationships stronger.

• You are so... (Good with numbers, well dressed, organized,

calm in a crisis, etc.)… Personalize your positive message to

really make it register in the brain. Instead of saying, "Good

job" tell the listener exactly what you admire. Be specific.

Women in particular like to have direct compliments, especially

with skills rather than indirect praise. I love it when my

husband says; “This meatloaf tastes really good. Thanks for

taking the time to fix a favorite meal for me.” It is much more

effective than “Good dinner.”

• Wow! Shazam! Bingo! Thanks a million! Any time you use

facial expressions and an excited tone of voice, people will pay

more attention. Dr. Craig S. Travis, Director of Behavioral

Sciences at Mount Carmel Family Practice in Columbus, Ohio

says that there is a physiological reason that people perk up and

listen to words spoken with excitement. Something that is said

as if it has an exclamation point actually registers differently on

the cochlea (the part of the inner ear that receives and analyzes

sound). This causes the person to pay closer attention.

• Thanks for completing the report in a timely manner!

Compliment the skill, not the job. Skills are transferable and

can be building blocks of confidence.

• Could you do this job? (Volunteer to help at the school, carry

groceries, etc.) This is much more respectful way to ask for


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help or assistance than "can you" which is higher pitched and

sounds almost whiney. Using the word “could” sounds more

like a request and not a demand.

• Which would you rather...? Whenever we offer a “choice and

a voice,” it shows respect for the other person. When someone

makes a choice, they also assume "ownership" of that choice.

• Please, thank you, forgive me. It is amazing how few people

bother to practice common courtesy with family and friends.

Courtesy is the foundation of good relationships. Treat others

as you would like to be treated.

Empowerment

While it is nice to get compliments and praise, they are a one-time event, task or item.

Encouragement is a process and it is transferable to other areas of life. It is an ongoing

nudge to keep going and keep trying. It is also the message that you will be loved

unconditionally, no matter what happens in life.

Empower yourself and others by saying “There are more ways than one to reach a goal.

Look at the options and choose one. If it doesn’t work out, then try another way. Once you

are committed, then doors will open and the next step will appear. Just do it.”

If you find yourself unable to get started because you fear you won't do it "right," then

break it down into manageable parts.

If you have always wanted to paint, but were sabotaged by thoughts of "what if..." then just

go buy a paint brush. Then buy a sketchbook. Then sign up for a class at Adult

Education!


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“What ifs” can create doom and gloom thoughts and be a real downer. Or they can be a

real upper. You can shift your focus upward by rewording your self- talk.

You could say, “What if I buy all this painting stuff and I can't do it?”

Or…

“What if I really like painting? What if I find that it is relaxing and

that I really have a knack for colors? What if I enjoy that time with

my classmates every week and I find new friends? What if the money

to buy the supplies comes from an unexpected source? Wouldn't it be

wonderful if I am so good at landscapes that I start selling them at

shows?”

Well, why not?

If you have ever seen one other person doing the thing that you want to do, then it means

that it can be done. So, think positive, encourage yourself, and applaud your success every

step of the way.

Comfort is NOT confidence.

To gain confidence, you must step out of the comfort zone

and into the unknown.

Congratulations!



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Chapter 7

Correcting Others in a Supportive Way

Perfection Paralyzes

Some things need to be done really well,

but most things just need to be done.

When we focus on passing inspection or judgment of others, it is often easier for the

inspected or judged one to just quit trying. Criticism of ourselves or others makes it almost

impossible to move forward effectively. It is as if we see a great big STOP sign in the

middle of the highway. We stand in front of the sign and wring our hands, worry and beat

ourselves up for not choosing the “right” road.

Many times our children are so afraid of disappointing us or being corrected that they do

everything in their power to avoid even beginning a project.

Do you tend to procrastinate? Why? Is it because you are afraid it won’t measure up to

expectations, either real or imagined? Is it because you are afraid of what other people will


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say if it doesn’t work or isn’t perfect? Is it because you don’t want to do it the way your

boss, parent, spouse or inner critic wants it done?

Excellence is achievable. Perfection is not.

Correct the Task or Deed, Not the Doer

Does your child know your love is unconditional and not dependent on a perfect score or a

bed made without wrinkles? Children do not know love is unconditional unless you tell

them. Because children do not begin to think in the abstract until the mid-teens, they tend to

see and believe only what is before them or within their realm of experience. If you are

unhappy about how the bed is made and look angry and frustrated, your child interprets that

anger or disgust as against him or her as a person.

Do you see the difference between?

“The bedspread needs to be tucked in around the pillows”

OR

“What a slob! How many times do I have to tell you

before you get it through your head? You never

listen.”

Who owns the problem?

The goal of discipline and teaching is to be both firm and kind. Destroying the spirit of the

child with verbal barbs will not get the bedspread tucked in and the child will not want to try

again for fear of failing. A different approach would be to state the problem of the un-tucked

spread and maybe even add, “I have confidence in you. I know that you can do the job.”


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If the child still refuses to deal with the mistake, should you jump in and do the job yourself?

No. It is not your problem. It only becomes your problem if it stops you from doing what you

need to do in life.

Let your child come up with solutions and answers. Offer guidance with a mental picture and

emotional boost, by saying, “Remember how proud you felt yesterday when you had all the

lines straight on the edges? It looked to me like rows of vegetables in a garden they were so

straight.”

Ask yourself: What am I doing to help my child gain a sense of accomplishment and success?

Do I wait until a job is completed to my specifications, before I pass on it? Do I take for

granted the things they do daily and then get angry at the things left undone? Am I more

concerned with the end product than the process of learning? Am I concentrating on the task

at hand so closely, I forget to teach the needed life skills?

Help people reach their full potential.

Catch them doing something right.


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Triangle of Conflict Resolution

Assume personal responsibility

Have I done all I can do to resolve this conflict? __________________________________

Have I looked for solutions? __________________________________________________

Am I willing to compromise? ___________ To forgive? ___________ To forget? ________

If the conflict can’t be resolved, am I willing to live with it? _________________________

Respect for myself Respect for the other person

I have the right to my feelings. He/she has the right to his/her feelings

How I feel: ______________________ How they feel: ___________________

________________________________ _______________________________

________________________________ _______________________________

________________________________ _______________________________

Seek first to understand, then be understood.

Think win-win!


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Positive Correction that Changes Behavior With an Encouragement Sandwich

A very effective way of communicating correct behavior is to create a verbal

Encouragement Sandwich:

1. Start off with a slice of the bread of life. For example, “I really

admire the way you are learning to take better care of your things.”

2. Next, add a little mayo spread lightly. “I felt happy when I saw you

hang up your new jacket last night.”

3. Then, add the slice of sharp cheese. (The behavior that is

unacceptable). “However, I noticed you left your bike outside in

the rain again.”

4. On top of the cheese, layer a little spicy mustard to catch their

attention. (The consequence of continued misbehavior. Ask for

what you want to happen). “Please put it away every night or we

will have to lock it up for a week each time it is left out.”

5. Finally, top it off with another slice of bread. (Confidence builder).

“All in all, you are a responsible kid and I have confidence you

will choose to take better care of your bike.”

Do they get the message of the mistake of leaving their bike out? Yes, and instead of

attacking them personally, this method of correction gives them an incentive to do better.


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Build Your Own Encouragement Sandwich

Now, apply what you just learned to create a sandwich for a situation that you have

experienced.

1. Slice of bread ________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

2. Mayo, spread lightly ___________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

3. Slice of sharp cheese ___________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

4. Spicy mustard _________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________

5. Another slice of bread __________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________


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Life is Not a Win-Lose Choice

In working with others, if you limit your options to win or lose, right or wrong, the only sure

result will be a stomachache. Much of our self- image is based on the traps of comparison,

competition, and criticism.

We can get caught in the win- lose trap when we base any part of our self-worth on making

sure that we win and someone else loses. Aim for win-win solutions.

Ask For What You Want

The human mind is wired to track what works and to discard all else.

Think of a baby. You can almost see his little mind working out what

worked well and what needs to be adjusted for success.

If crying brings help, a cry is used. If a smile brings smiling responses, more smiles

develop. A baby lets those around him know by verbal and non-verbal clues what he

wants.

A loving parent or caregiver quickly learns to read the clues the baby sends out. They

become in tune vibrationally and the mother usually anticipates what the baby needs when

he begins crying.

Be very clear what you want. Ask specifically when you ask for help, much like when you

were a baby. Do not anticipate or assume coworkers and family members can read your

non-verbal clues.


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Have Patience with the Process

Envision a baby learning to walk. Parents and caregivers don't yell at him when he falls

down, nor do the falls stop his progress. Family members applaud his efforts and know that

eventually he will master the task in his own way and in his own time.

A baby is hungry for success. It is his birthright and his brain, body and spirit tell him to

keep trying. It is the subtle encouragement hardwired into a child that keeps him getting

up each time he falls down. Soon, walking is second nature and becomes automatic action

and taken for granted by the family.

In working with others be firm, kind and consistent as they learn. Remember to encourage

and compliment the small steps taken towards an ultimate agreed upon goal.

Congratulations!



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Chapter 8

Nurturing Children with Love and Respect

When you become a parent remember: To be in your children’s

memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

Input: Negative or Positive

Our words, reactions and non-verbal language skills are very powerful tools, especially

with impressionable children. When we pause and think before correcting and/or

providing feedback on what our children are doing, we can choose positive reinforcement

over negative putdowns.

Nurturing messages are those, which convey to the child that he is worthy and valued for

just being alive. The message doesn’t increase his value in your eyes because, hopefully,

he is already precious beyond belief. However, it does increase his value in his own eyes.

Many parents I encounter in the scope of my work assume that their children know they

are loved. The reality is that unless you say the words and give the hugs, children do not


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know they are loved. They may assume that love and acceptance is conditional on good

behavior.

Young children especially, tend to think that if they are yelled at or correctly harshly, they

are “bad.”

Children tend to categorize their worth into bad or good rather than degrees of behavior. It

is an adult’s challenge to help them to understand the difference between the deed and the

doer.

It is important to help a child understand that, while some behavior is unacceptable, he or

she is always loved as an individual.

The most valuable message you can share with others, no matter how old they may be, is

unconditional love.

“It is not what I think about myself, it is what I think you think about me

that worries me.”-- Tyler, 10 years old.

Raising a Resilient Bounce-Back Kid

How does your child handle disappointment? What happens if they don’t

win the game, election or friend? Do they want to quit the team when

they’re not picked to play?

Have a Plan B

Resilience helps people deal with disappointments, stress, even trauma. Resilient people see

an obstacle as a learning experience. Have a plan B and posses the confidence to keep

going.


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The road to success has lots of pebbles and potholes and a few unexpected big rocks and

scary curves. The ability to bounce back from disappointment or failure requires life skills

that can be taught. Having this ability begins with teaching children to assume responsibility

for their actions, and not blame others, or themselves, for circumstances beyond their

control.

Self-blame can be a spiral toward low esteem and lack of confidence. Explain that

sometimes its just being in the wrong place at the wrong time and that things can just

happen. Help them understand that they cannot control how others think or act.

What are you doing to help your child keep going? _________________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Help Them be Problem-Solvers Wise parents, teachers and caregivers help children problem solve. They help children be

prepared with coping skills for next time. Be a good listener. Disappointed children often

need to talk, don’t interrupt or put words in their mouth. It is their problem; show confidence

in their ability to solve it.

At the appropriate time, tell them, “I have confidence in you. You have a good mind and

soul. You will find a solution. If you need assistance, I am here.”

Allow them time to reflect and look at a problem realistically. Ask if they need time alone to

think about what happened and how they should handle a similar situation next time. Your

role is to offer support and guide, not lead, them to a solution.

What are you doing to help your child be a problem-solver? __________________________

__________________________________________________________________________


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Help Children to be Optimistic About the Future

A resilient child bounces off a strong self-esteem to come up with a plan B. Teaching esteem

building skills – having the honesty to apologize when they’re wrong, courtesy in asking for

what they want, setting boundaries on how they’re treated – helps a child to cope. Resilient

children know disappointments and setbacks are temporary. Adults modeling resilient skills

and strategies are a child’s best teacher.

What are you doing to help your child be optimistic? _______________________________

__________________________________________________________________________

Assuming personal responsibility is a cornerstone of confidence. Knowing that you are a

capable independent individual is empowering. One does by trying. One succeeds by

doing.

Once you succeed at something that at first may have seemed hard or insurmountable you

feel confident about attempting other tasks. The emotional feedback or “buzz” that comes

from achieving something will then remind you how good it felt. When those feelings are

reinforced by encouraging words from others, the impact is felt on a cellular level and

imprinted in the subconscious.

Teaching Children Responsibility

What does it mean to teach your children responsibility? Every

parent has a different answer and a different expectation of when and

how their child will assume personal responsibility.

One thing is for sure; responsibility must be taught. It is not a natural

skill, but it can be learned at any age. Just as confidence is a life skill that can be learned, so is

assuming personal responsibility. You do not become responsible when you are mature, but

rather you become mature when you are responsible.


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Four variables in this exciting venture;

1. Your child (learning style, age, motor skills, interest, hot buttons or incentives)

2. Your expectations (perfection or ever- learning, Do you punish for the truth?)

3. Your example (use the 4 R’s, Recognize, Remorse, Restitution, and Resolve to

correct mistakes)

4. Consistency and follow-through (natural and logical consequences)

Outward responsibility deals with everyday things (life skills) chores, brushing teeth,

returning videos on time. These are habits that make us productive and reliable.

Inward responsibility deals with attitudes, beliefs and values. This is where we look at the

heart. It means admitting mistakes, being unselfish, caring for other people’s health, property

and feelings.

2-step process

1. Teach them the skill until it becomes a habit and then

eventually it will become automatic action. Automatic

action is action without conscious thought or

planning. This is the difference between pre-

decisions and situational ethics. For example, clearing your plate from the table,

brushing your teeth, putting your bike away. You don’t have to decide what to do

every time.

2. Praise the attitude, performance and effort. Use natural and logical

consequences to reinforce the lesson. “Thanks for picking up your toys without

being asked. It makes it easier for the whole family to maneuver when we don’t

have to step over toys on the floor.”


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Competent Children Become Confident Adults

You cannot expect a 35-year-old job from a 10-year old. You also cannot expect a 10- year-

old job from a 10-year old who isn’t clear what is expected of him. We will have to

occasionally jump in and help them do an unp leasant task, but not do it for them.

The more the child has the opportunity of “owning” the decision or problem, the more he/she

will learn. The purpose of allowing natural consequences to occur and of designing logical

consequences is to encourage children to make responsible choices, not punish them. This

method permits a child to choose and then to be accountable for the decision whether it comes

out well or not.

Most children, when permitted to make poor choices, learn from the consequences. The most

effective method of teaching is for you to remain matter–of-fact and non-punishing. This

means separating the deed from the doer. If you were trying to teach your child a new skill,

such as piano or tennis, you would probably be patient. You would expect and accept some

mistakes.

Teach responsibility the same way. Regard slipups or wrong choices as a learning experience

rather than a personal affront on your ability as a parent or teacher. Everyone will be happier,

more cooperative and responsible when they know it is okay to screw up occasionally as long

as you keep trying.


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Criticism is Punitive

Our children judge themselves based on their perceptions of the opinions we have of them.

When we use harsh words, demeaning adjectives, or a sarcastic tone of voice, we literally

strip a child’s core of self-confidence and reduce the likelihood they will try to please us.

It becomes easier to just quit trying, especially if they perceive they are a disappointment

to us.

Studies show that verbal abuse is more likely than physical abuse to damage children’s

self-esteem. Not only does it damage their soul, it is counter-productive to cooperation and

lasting change.

The power to build or destroy lies in the power of the

tongue.

Be careful what you say to others.

Encouragement is Uplifting

Encouragement is the process of focusing on children’s assets and

strengths in order to build their self-confidence and feelings of worth.

Using nurturing messages shows that you believe in their ability and

capacity to grow, learn, and change.

Adults need to convey through words and gestures that we appreciate a child’s efforts and

recognize improvement, not just accomplishments. We need to make sure the child

understands that our love and acceptance is not dependent on behavior or winning a prize

in soccer.


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You are a PROBLEM-SOLVER.

I have faith in your ability to find a fair solution.

Nurturing Better Behavior

Some parents and caregivers, particularly those who did not receive much love or

encouragement in the ir childhood, often fail to see the importance of nurturing the inner

core of a child. Many would like to use encouraging words but don’t know the right words

to use. They fall back to parenting as they were parented, even though they hated being

treated with disrespect as a child.

The sad part of this is that encouragement and kind feedback will always bring about

positive change, whereas criticism brings about rebellion, anger and loss of self-worth.

It has been my experience that you can learn to make an effective response by watching

body language and listening to your child’s tone of voice before responding. Give yourself

a few seconds before responding to determine, “What is my child feeling? What do they

really want? What is it they need?”

It may be the child simply wants your attention, a reassuring hug, or a specific need to be

filled. Don’t rush in to solve problems or tell them what they are feeling or what they

want. Let your intuition guide you for the child’s highest good.


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Attention is the Greatest Gift

Children need strong affirmations of the love that you have for them. Open your heart and

share your deep emotions with them in word and deed. Below are some non-verbal ways

to express your love and appreciation to and for your child.

Hugs, kisses, pats on the back, thumbs up, touch on the upper arm, holding

hands, squeezing hands, smiles, a wink, grin, nod your head, mouth

WOW, mouth I Love You, squeeze their shoulder, clap your hands, bow

to them, have a secret signal that means I love you (Like Carol Burnett did

when she pulled her ear. She was sending a signal to her grandmother.)

Ruffle their hair, touch their neck, tickle the inside of their hand, give

butterfly kisses, give raspberries on the cheek, and wrestle around on the

carpet if they like it. Dance with them, play tag with them, have water

fights, play with them, have tea parties, sit close to them when watching

TV, put your arm around their shoulder when you walk together. Listen to

them and look at them with eyes filled with love, especially when they

first come home from school.

Build Confidence, Not Fear

Zig Ziglar, an internationally known motivational speaker says, “When we have positive

input, we have positive output, and when we have negative input, we have negative

output.”


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As a parent educator, mother and grandmother, may I suggest that you need to be very

careful of the words you choose to motivate your children?

The word encourage can be broken down to read “en” courage. The prefix “en” means to

give the gift of courage, the courage to keep trying, to keep up the good work, to focus on

next time, and not give up. This type of “en” couragement helps the child realize that they

can make mistakes and will still be loved and valued.

A good code of conduct to remember:

I will not covet, criticize, complain, or condemn.

As a side note, for everything a child does wrong, he does 19 things right! How often as

parents do we notice the wrong and miss seeing the right? Try commenting on the things

done correctly and overlook the others and see what happens.

How about at dinner tonight you ask family members to take turns telling about things they

can do.

Can you find matching socks? Can you make a PB&J sandwich? Can you

walk? Talk? Read? Can you count to 100? Backwards? Can you tell a

flower from a weed? Can you find the Milky Way? Can you snap your

fingers on both hands? Fix a leaky faucet? Use a computer? Can you take

digital pictures? Play a musical instrument? Conduct a board meeting?

Remember the punch- line in jokes?

Have fun listing the obscure and wonderful things you can do that took some time and

practice to learn. Most involved some risk and lots of practice until we become

comfortable. Soon it becomes automatic action and we no longer even need to think about

it.


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In contrast to this view of “en”couragement is “dis” couragment or criticism. Either

directed or perceived, “dis”couragement takes away a child’s courage to try new things or

work harder for fear of getting in trouble and displeasing adults.

Everyone Deserves Do-Overs

Help, both the child and you, recognize that mistakes are not always final and frequently

people get a “do-over” or a second chance. The past is done; learn from it and then focus

on the future.

There is such great power in actually saying the words “I am sorry, please forgive me”

when we make a mistake or even speak without thinking.

When we know better, we do better. Now that you have new information, how do you

handle it when you fall back into old patterns?

3. “Whoops, I blew it! I really am trying to be more kind when we talk. A

better way to have said that would have been ___________________.”


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4. “Wow that came roaring out just like it used to. Now, I recognize how that

might have hurt your feelings. Hope you will forgive me when I slip up. I

really am trying to put things in a more positive light.”

5. “Okay. I know that is what you heard and probably what I said out of

habit. What I meant to convey was _____________________.”

6. “Give me a few minutes to reframe and change my words into something

that is fair and respectful to both of us. I don’t want to say anything that I

would be sorry about.”

7. “How about a do-over? What I could have said was

_____________________.”

8. “I’m sorry, I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”

People will go out of their way to help you when you acknowledge a mistake, take

responsibility for your part, and try hard not to make the same mistake again.

Tell your family—Y.M.T.M.—You Matter To Me!

Congratulations!



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Chapter 9

Appreciate and Acknowledge Success

Acknowledge Success and Celebrate Accomplishment

A positive identity hinges on positive life experiences. An ideal place for

positive experiences is in a safe and secure home. The more success a

child experiences, the better he feels about himself and his place in the

world. Focusing on assets and strengths builds a sense of worth. When

we "en"courage our children to try new and different things, we give

them the courage to make mistakes and take risks.

If their inner self-belief is one of confidence and problem-solving ability they will be

unafraid when unexpected obstacles or opportunities come their way. A self-confident

person is willing to step outside the comfort zone.

Not every child is blessed with a specific talent or is outgoing. You may very well have one

child who is a natural born organizer and not only keeps his room spic and span but will

probably organize the school, neighborhood, community, and world before she is through.

Her brother, on the other hand, may not excel at organization, but is sensitive to those in

need.

Every person has something that he or she does well. Every single one of us can improve

and progress, no matter how small that progress may be. Acknowledging small successes

gives children the desire to keep trying. The hunger to excel and be competent at something

is an integral part of our make-up. Success in one area of life carries over into many other

areas.

Don’t worry about what you can’t do.

Worry about what you CAN do and make that better each day.


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Three Success Principles

It is helpful to have some tools in our hands to help us establish habits in ourselves and our

children to bring us closer to the realization of our dreams.

1. Goal setting and review. Goals must be SMART. Specific, Measurable,

Achievable, Realistic, and Timely. It must be broken down into manageable

pieces so that you can clearly see in a step by step progression how to obtain

the final goal. You need to be able to write a daily, monthly, quarterly and

yearly plan of action, so you are always in the process of reaching small goals

on the road to the long range plans.

2. Rehearsing for success. You must be able to see it and taste it before it will

ever come to be. If you can’t visualize yourself achieving something, then

you probably won’t get it. Too many people think that by not hoping or

dreaming for something that they won’t be disappointed. But that is the

difference between just existing and thriving in this life.

3. Concentrating on strengths. People who are successful do not waste

energy concerning themselves with their weaknesses or vulnerabilities.

Winners ignore what they can’t do or find someone else to do it for them. If

you are mentoring or networking, you will find someone who has that

particular strength and will be willing to help you.

Now, take a few moments to list ten tasks that you or your child does well (outward

responsibility). What are some goals that have been reached?

1. _____________________________________________________________

2. _____________________________________________________________

3. _____________________________________________________________

4. _____________________________________________________________


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5. _____________________________________________________________

6. _____________________________________________________________

7. _____________________________________________________________

8. _____________________________________________________________

9. _____________________________________________________________

10. _____________________________________________________________

An important task of loving parents is to acknowledge those areas of success and help

children recognize and capitalize on them. If we never look for, appreciate, and relish a

child’s successes, neither will anyone else. Remember a parent’s job is to prepare a child to

go out into the real world.

For every thing a child does wrong or incorrect, he does 19 things right. As adults, we

forget just how many accomplishments we have in a given day. Many tasks have become

automatic action and so we rarely even think about how wonderful it is that we know how

to read, or cook, or find socks that match!

Behavior Change in Children

No matter what you may think, your teenager really does want to make you happy. They

really do want to cooperate and be given responsibility. However, we have to give them

the verbal and non verbal suggestions and specific actions that make us happy, instead of

complaining about what makes us unhappy.

Effective praise, as opposed to copious compliments, can change behavior in children,

adults and animals. All we need to do is be aware of the things that others are doing right

and comment on these actions. Everyone wants acceptance and to please others.


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Their behavior may not change immediately, but they will start to do more of what you

notice and focus on. This is the law of attraction. We are attracting good behavior and

actions. When we express appreciation, we give support in repeating the appropriate

behavior.

Stop being so critical and expecting perfection from yourself and others. We are all

incredible human beings with much to accomplish and enjoy in life, so let's move forward

in joy.

Want to feel better about yourself?

Simply do good things and remember them.

Explore your own magnificence!

Unbelievable Praise is Different than Encouragement

“You are such a good boy.” “You are the smart one of the family.” “You always make

me happy.” “That is a wonderful picture! What is it?” “You are the best volunteer on the

committee.” “You are wonderful.”

Praise is a double edged sword. It is great that our efforts are noticed, but it also carries a

judgment by someone in a position important to us. In order for praise to be effective it

has to be felt and believed by the recipient. If a parent says a child is “Such a talented

pianist” and the child knows he can barely play basic tunes without hitting sour notes, he

subtly disregards, rejects and denies the message and the messenger.

I use a lot of interns from the University of Montana in my business and this has been a

great learning tool for me. In my perky (many say obnoxiously so), optimistic method of


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leadership I used to use non specific praise and grandiose compliments. What I found was

that many people do not translate general comments into specific guidance.

Because they did not want to disappoint me after I had raved to others about the great job

they were doing, they did not ask for clarification or direction. Twice a publishing

deadline was missed because I assumed that everything was on schedule. The saddest part

was not missing the deadline, it was missing the point! And the point was that the woman

was in agony trying to guess what I wanted her to do and how she could keep me from

knowing that she wasn’t wonderful, merely human.

You cannot help a person uphill

without getting closer to the top yourself.

We assume that everyone likes to be praised. Not true. Our daughter, who is one of the

most accomplished, intelligent women I have ever met, hates it when we compliment her.

Her non-verbal communication of rolling her eyes and shrugging her shoulders lets me

know when I have gone over the line in superlatives.

Overuse or incorrect use of compliments or unspecific praise is judging and patronizing.

The act of judging implies that evaluator knows more than the one being evaluated.

If you use praise, make sure it is sincere. Praising specific behaviors reinforces those

behaviors. Be prompt in giving feedback so there is a connection between the action and

the outcome. Be sure to base your feedback and encouragement on what is possible for

each child to achieve and the progress they have made. Avoid comparing a child, spouse

or friend to another. Everyone has different talents and skills and interests.


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List ten praiseworthy characteristic attributes of a loved one (inward responsibility):

1. ___________________________________________________________________

2. ___________________________________________________________________

3. ___________________________________________________________________

4. ___________________________________________________________________

5. ___________________________________________________________________

6. ___________________________________________________________________

7. ___________________________________________________________________

8. ___________________________________________________________________

9. ___________________________________________________________________

10. ___________________________________________________________________

Accepting Praise and Encouragement

I mentioned our daughter’s reluctance in accepting compliments. She is not alone in being

uncomfortable being in the spotlight. Many people have difficulty hearing positive messages

and even outright deflect or reject them.

There is a variety of reasons why people are unable to accept others’ positive comments.

Usually it is because the message being given from the outside source does not match the

internal picture the recipient has formed.

Those old self-defeating thoughts are right there yammering away; “She’s crazy if she thinks

that I did a great job. I messed up big time last week” or “If I agree, it will seem like I am

conceited.”

Sometimes the negative self- talk even doubts the sincerity of the person complimenting us.

“What does he want? Why is he being so nice to me?”


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Unfortunately, it is easy to believe criticism because that reinforces any core negative believes

we may be holding. We may even seek negative comments by sabotaging or deliberately

messing up situations where we could attain success and admiration.

We are all starving for praise, encouragement and compliments. Ironically, we may be

getting all the praise we need, but don’t hear it, because we have learned to filter out good

news. Praise, compliments, and encouragement only make us feel better when we accept them

as a gift and trust that it was given in love and good wishes.

Learning to accept good words and thoughts from others will have a dramatic impact on the

confidence and self- image of the recipient. Everyone deserves to be able to accept and

incorporate the gift of a positive comment from another. By not accepting the compliment, it

is telling the other person that they are wrong in their assessment.

The best way to accept a compliment is to simply thank the person who has complimented

you. Look them in the eye and say “thank you.” This will show them that you have accepted

their gift of encouraging words.

Good things happen to people who

expect good things to happen to them.

Congratulations!



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What Treasure Did You Find?

Congratulations on completing the first step in learning to use

encouraging words to build self-confidence! Take a few

moments to reflect on the “nugget” that you found in each

chapter. What did you learn? How will this help you find success and happiness in you life

and the lives of those around you?

Chapter 2 ________________________________________________________

Chapter 3 ________________________________________________________

Chapter 4 ________________________________________________________

Chapter 5 ________________________________________________________

Chapter 6 ________________________________________________________

Chapter 7 ________________________________________________________

Chapter 8 ________________________________________________________

Chapter 9 ________________________________________________________


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Thank You for Doing a Great Job

Those of you who spend your days motivating others, especially

children, do the most important work in the world. I applaud your

efforts and "en"courage you to choose your words carefully when you

want the children in your care to improve their behavior.

Words have the power to build up or destroy. As caring adults, our goal is to strengthen the

character of the child as well as to get the jackets, bikes, toys, etc. picked up on a

consistent basis. Discipline with dignity. Remember how precious these spirits are and

that they are counting on you to mentor them to greatness.

You hold the power to build or destroy their developing sense of self. I know you will

choose to encourage not only children but also adults you come in contact with.

You are part of the change that is coming to the earth. As we express gratitude and joy in

the mundane we will be given more and more to appreciate. Good luck in your endeavors!

You can change your words and actions to be encouraging to yourself and others you

affect.

You are a wonderful person and deserve only the best life has to offer I believe in you and

thank you for allowing me to be on your success team.

Thanks for sharing your precious time and money with me. I appreciate it. I am looking

forward to building a relationship with you through person, tele-classes, yahoo groups or

books and articles.

With love,

Judy H. Wright, aka Auntie Artichoke


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About Auntie Artichoke

Hello from beautiful Montana!

Thank you for purchasing this e-Book and joining the

global community of loyal friends and family.

I am a great believer in the Law of Attraction, and

truly believe you were drawn to this book for a

reason. It is my intent and purpose that you find the

answers that will touch your heart and enhance your

relationships.

You have my permission to share the information with your friends and loved ones. Just

tell them where it came from and who wrote it. Hopefully, everyone you share with will

go to the website and purchase another book or CD. Perhaps they will be instrumental in

having me do a seminar for an organization or be featured on a talk show.

It has always been my philosophy, the more you give, the more you get. There is an actual

name for what I do and it is called Karmic Marketing-and it works!

My name is Judy H. Wright and I live with my husband Dwain in beautiful Missoula,

Montana where we have raised our children and have been active in the community for

many years. We have six wonderful adult children and nine really wonderful grandchildren

scattered all over the country.

I have written many, many books and articles and spoken all over the world about finding

the heart of the story in the journey of life. However, my proudest accomplishment is that

my family members like themselves and each other. We have all had our personal


97

struggles and road blocks, but it is inspiring to see them overcome adversity, change

behavior and to be open to new opportunities that come to them.

A special thank you to my talented assistant, Erin Hurst. She is a walking example of a

young adult with self-confidence, courage and a zest for finding her passion in life. It is

obvious she was raised in a climate of encouragement. May all young people be so lucky.

Please think of me as an approachable neighbor, or wise, kind and caring auntie that you

have turned to for advice. I have been called Auntie Artichoke, the story telling trainer,

because I use stories and real experiences of success and failure in my own life to teach

others.

Love,

Judy H. Wright, aka Auntie Artichoke

Please print the following pages out and post on your fridge, mirror, and

computer where you will see them often.

Building Self-Confidence with Encouraging Words © Judy H. Wright www.ArtichokePress.com 98

Words and Phrases to Encourage and Motivate Positive Action.

Be sure your body language is in sync with the words you are sharing.

I love you---You're great-Terrific job-Outstanding---I'm so proud of you-You are on your

way---You are a special person-You can do it--Lean on me---Excellent idea-Way to go-

That was easy-You are the best-Good for you-You are getting better every day-I can see a

big improvement-I trust you to make the right decision-You deserve a star-You are fun to be

around-You are really responsible-You are a super listener-You are considerate-Nice work---

You've made progress-Hurray for you-Keep up the good work-You are a champ-Great

imagination-You will get it soon, be patient-That was very brave-You were a good sport

today-What would the team do without members like you?-You are a real friend-I have faith

in you-Keep trying, don't give up-How clever-How thoughtful-That was a kind act-You have

the brightest smile-Thanks for being honest-Exceptional-Very nice job-What careful work

you do-I support you 100%-You put a smile on my face-You are the kind of friend

everyone would like to have-You are very thoughtful-You certainly deserve a big hug-You

brighten my day-I like hearing good reports from others about your actions, it makes me so

proud-That is a delightful idea-that could work, shall we try it?-Remarkable-I knew you

could do it-Looking good-Now you are flying-You are on top of it-That's incredible-Now

you've got it-You are unique -Nothing can stop you now-You have laid the groundwork-

You have paid the price-Outstanding performance-You are an important part of this

family-You make me laugh-What an imagination-Fantastic-You are right on target-You are a

real trooper- You make life exciting-You are always thinking of new ways to do things-You

are wonderful-You are really clever-Wow, you know how to work with tools-You have a

real talent for that-Watching you grow into such a neat person is such a joy-Thanks for

explaining that so well, now I understand-I can think of so many things that you have

succeeded at, let's make a list-You are a great cook-That is the best-You really have an

analytical mind-I believe in you-You are always a winner in my eyes-That was really hard,

and yet you did it--You are really coming along-Can you see how far you have come?-Wow,

you really rose to that challenge--I like how your brain works-You have a gift for sensing

what other people are thinking-I can count on you to pull your share of the load--You mean

the world to me-You can do it--You are loved.


Words and Phrases to Encourage and Motivate Positive Action.

Be sure your body language is in sync with the words you are sharing.

I love you---You're great-Terrific job-Outstanding---I'm so proud of you-You are on your

way---You are a special person-You can do it--Lean on me---Excellent idea-Way to go-

That was easy-You are the best-Good for you-You are getting better every day-I can see a

big improvement-I trust you to make the right decision-You deserve a star-You are fun to

be around-You are really responsible-You are a super listener-You are considerate-Nice

work---You've made progress-Hurray for you-Keep up the good work-You are a champ-

Great imagination-You will get it soon, be patient-That was very brave-You were a good

sport today-What would the team do without members like you?-You are a real friend-I

have faith in you-Keep trying, don't give up-How clever-How thoughtful-That was a kind

act-You have the brightest smile-Thanks for being honest-Exceptional-Very nice job-What

careful work you do-I support you 100%-You put a smile on my face-You are the kind of

friend everyone would like to have-You are very thoughtful-You certainly deserve a big

hug-You brighten my day-I like hearing good reports from others about your actions, it

makes me so proud-That is a delightful idea-that could work, shall we try it?-Remarkable-I

knew you could do it-Looking good-Now you are flying-You are on top of it-That's

incredible-Now you've got it-You are unique -Nothing can stop you now-You have laid the

groundwork- You have paid the price-Outstanding performance-You are an important

part of this family-You make me laugh-What an imagination-Fantastic-You are right on

target-You are a real trooper- You make life exciting-You are always thinking of new ways

to do things-You are wonderful-You are really clever-Wow, you know how to work with

tools-You have a real talent for that-Watching you grow into such a neat person is such a

joy-Thanks for explaining that so well, now I understand-I can think of so many things that

you have succeeded at, let's make a list-You are a great cook-That is the best-You really

have an analytical mind-I believe in you-You are always a winner in my eyes-That was

really hard, and yet you did it--You are really coming along-Can you see how far you have

come?-Wow, you really rose to that challenge--I like how your brain works-You have a gift

for sensing what other people are thinking-I can count on you to pull your share of the

load--You mean the world to me-You can do it--You are loved.


If you are unhappy with this purchase, notify

us by email and your money will be returned. However, you may also just

wish to donate the work to a local shelter and take the cost off your taxes.

Perhaps someone there is waiting for the message.

Disclaimer:

Please use this book as a guide and suggestions, not as medical advice. If you are concerned

about some aspect of your child's development, or your own mental health, please seek

professional help.

The author is not a medical doctor, psychologist or licensed counselor. The letters behind her

name are WWWW, which stands for Wise, Warm and Witty Woman. However, she has also

earned a degree from the Been There, Done That School.

You will feel safe and supported with Judy in your corner. While spiritual concepts may be

referred to or suggested no religion, creed or tradition is put forward as having the answers for

everyone. Each person must discover their own path and learn to live in harmony with the inner

prompting of the spirit as well as the other people in the world around them.

The information given in this book and other articles is meant to empower the reader. The goal is

to encourage new ways to establish and maintain mutually respectful and loving relationships.


For additional parenting, wellness, life-story writing, and end-of-life books and programs

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However, don't feel guilty about sharing this book. You have my permission and

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You will also find a full listing of books, tapes, and products at: www.ArtichokePress.com/products For information on teleclasses and workshops visit: www.freetelemessages.com To arrange for Judy as speaker for your organization go to www.ArtichokePress.com/workshops or www.MontanaSpeakers.com

If you have set an intention to attract more abundance in your life please click on welcomeabundance.com www.abundantlivinglegacy.org/affiliate/judywright Visit Judy’s blogs at: www.AskAuntieArtichoke.com and www.WhenDeathIsNear.blogspot.com


Notes

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Documents

Building Self-Confidence with Encouraging Words › support-files › ... · Building Self-Confidence with Encouraging Words By Judy H. Wright Life Educator “Kind words can be short