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Building Resilience through Authentic Relationships
Maggie Hartzler, LISW CTP School Based Therapist
Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up. – Brené Brown
Foundational Concept
In the end, children succeed because they feel they have a close relationship with others, feel valued in their communities, and have a sense of control over some aspects of their lives; children who are in trouble feel isolated, useless to society, and powerless. -A Teacher’s Guide to Understanding and Motivating Students
Resilience • While we can’t take away what has
happened and we might not be able to change what is happening, we CAN help foster resilience in every interaction!
• Resilience can be changed (grown). We can always grow our neural pathways (and the neural pathways of others) to increase resilience.
Authenticity
“Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice – a conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” - Brené Brown
Hold on to this: • Resilience and authenticity –
neither are something you have or don’t have
• Great news – we can all grow our resilience and can make daily choices to be authentic
• This means we are all capable of greatness within relationships!
Resilient and Authentic relationships are rooted in…
1. Connection
2. Meaning and Purpose
3. Sense of Agency
Connection • We are hard wired for connection • Evolution says social connection is necessary for safety,
not a luxury • Neural network for social thinking – aimed at
“mindreading” – “What could they be thinking, feeling, etc.?”
• Pain language and social pain – Heart broken, hurt feelings – Our brains interpret physical pain and social pain as the
same
Meaning and Purpose • Interactions within relationships shape how we see self, others
and the world around us (private logic) – When we feel important to the people around us, we can explore
and believe in the meaning and purpose in our existence. – When others recognize the strengths within us, we can discover the
unique qualities and characteristics we bring to the world. – When others trust us, we believe we are trustworthy.
• Find meaning and purpose through hardship. – Not “Everything happens for a reason” but “In everything, I can find
my meaning and purpose.”
Sense of Agency • We have a sense of control within our world
when…
– we are an equal partner within relationships
– others honor our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions
– when we feel heard, seen, and accepted for who we really are.
Guided Meditation
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8NDRElMWwk
Key concepts when building relationships grounded in authenticity and resilience
Private Logic – Neural Pathways
• External messages and experiences become internal realities.
• Learn patterns based on environment.
• Interactions within relationships shape how we see self, others and the world around us.
Relationships are fostered out of curiosity
• What are their neural pathways saying to them/about them?
• What are my neural pathways saying to me/about me?
Owning our Private Logic • The story I am telling myself… – Brené Brown
– Honest without being accusatory…
– Not phrased as a question…
– Breeds empathy…
– Models healthy expression…
What story are you creating… We all have an internal story being narrated by ourselves everyday, and our interactions and relationships influence that story…
What do you see?
Behavior as communication…paradigm shift in the way we view humans and how we meet their needs
No such thing as a bad kid or bad person
Putting it all into practice…
Relationships
• People heal people
• The tools and interventions are in your heart
Lambert’s Common Factors Model… YOU are the intervention and pathway
to resiliency…
Key Elements in Fostering Resilience – THE YOU
• Know yourself • Don’t take it personal • Be vulnerable and genuine • Be transparent and honest • Acknowledge what is going on
for you
Self-awareness is more important for the work than a college education.
• If you don’t know who you are, clients/students/kids will help you figure it out.
• Being open to who you are helps them be open to themselves.
• We are followed by our compassion and humility.
Practicing Authenticity
• Cultivating COURAGE to be emotional, honest and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.
• Exercising COMPASSION that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength and struggle.
• Nurturing the CONNECTION and sense of belonging that can only happen when we let go of what we think we are supposed to be and embrace who we are.
Brené Brown
Authentic Connection
Knowing what is going on for you then choosing attunement to self and attunement to others.
There is no manual
• Growth comes from self-discovery
• Read yourself
• Read your clients/students/kids
What is Your Intent for the Relationship?
• Is your intent to change this person? Can we genuinely accept someone we are actively trying to change?
• Is your intent to rescue this person from pain or difficulty? Can this person discover her inner strengths and resources if you have difficulty tolerating her pain?
Our Intention…
Unconditional love, acceptance, belonging…
Spread Love and Hope • Greatest act of love is to
respond to behavior in counter societal ways.
• We are in the business of healing suffering and pain.
• Bring your own optimism to the relationship – hope.
Validate, Validate, Validate
https://www.google.com/search?q=it%27s+not+about+the+nail&spell=1&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjCuKKmqY_ZAhVD5YMKHRivCm8QBQgmKAA&biw=1280&bih=958&safe=active&ssui=on
You don’t always have to know what to say.
Listening is the most important skill
• Listen to verbal and nonverbal communication.
• Don’t need the file, just need to listen.
• Be a detective not an interventionist.
I am ready to listen, ask questions, and accept that I may not fully understand the issue.
Faster is slower • The appearance of
change is not always change.
• Compliance is not change. • Change is about relapse. • Hope is nourished when
you are in it for the long haul.
• Centered
• Present
• Grounded
To be with vs. doing
• Productivity does not equate worth
• Letting go of what people think
• Letting go of “supposed to”
Anger is a cover…
• For grief, suffering, sadness, hurt, insignificance, etc.
• Most the time our clients/students/kids have already lost so much.
• Healing happens through connection, not disconnection.
• Don’t need anger management, need love.
Laughter heals…
• Releases endorphins that counter act cortisol.
• Give their creativity and silliness back.
Focus on the strengths…
• Hope requires faith, confidence, encouragement and empowerment.
• We can see what we decide to look for.
Parable of Two Travelers… A traveller nearing a great city asked an old man seated by the road, “What are the people like in this city?” “What were they like where you come from?” asked the old man. “Horrible,” the traveller responded in disgust. “Mean, untrustworthy, detestable in all respects.” “Ah…” said the old man thoughtfully, “you will probably find them the same in this city as well.” A few hours later another traveller passed by and asked the old man the same question. “What were they like where you come from?” he similarly asked. “They were fine people. Honest, industrious, generous, caring; I was sorry to leave,” the traveller responded. “You’ll find them the same here,” the old man replied.
Daily Practices for YOU
Spend Time in Self-Discovery
Develop a Self-Care Strategy
Practice Mindfulness & Gratitude
It Takes a Village Hope springs from knowing we are not alone – find
your village.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4QuKwfv6Wk
References and Resources • EMDR and Beyond • TLC – Trauma Loss in Children & Starr Global Network • Heather Forbes – Help for Billy • ACES 360 • Brené Brown • National Resilience Institute • Matthew Lieberman – Social: Why Our Brains are Wired to Connect • Dr. Dan Siegel
– Parenting From the Inside Out – The Whole Brain Child – Mindsight – No Drama Discipline
