Bringing Funerals Back Home How do we deal with grief and ... · Bringing Funerals Back Home 4 Bringing Funerals Back Home Our culture is not very good at grieving. We keep busy and

Karen Lohmann Final Thesis

Bringing Funerals Back Home

How do we deal with grief and the relief of suffering

at the time of death, in America?

Upaya Buddhist Chaplaincy Training, Cohort Two Upaya Zen Center, Santa Fe, New Mexico. March 2011

Lohmann Bringing Funerals Back Home

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DEDICATION of MERIT:

Taking refuge and entering the stream of engaged practice, I am determined to

plunge into the unknown, giving up fixed ideas about the universe and myself.

I further commit myself to bearing witness by encountering each creation with

respect and dignity and allowing myself to be touched by the joys and pain of the

universe.

I invite all hungry spirits into the mandala of my practice and commit my energy

and my love to the healing of the earth, humanity, all creations and myself.

I dedicate the merits of my practice to:

The Spirit of Compassion-

Avaloketeshvara,

Perceiver of the Cries of The World.

Bows to the plants and hidden ones and to the Great Mysteries weaving us all together,

interconnected and interdependent with Wisdom beyond Wisdom.


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Acknowledgements

I wish to honor and thank those who have helped and guided me:

My mom, Jeanne Lohmann; the memories of my father, Hank Lohmann, and my friends

Kathy Jordan and Ray Kelleher; the Hospice workers, Hospital and Hospice patients and

their families, the Spiritual Care and CPE Departments of Providence St. Peter Hospital,

Olympia, Washington; my teachers: Roshi Joan Halifax, Sensei Beate Stolte, Yamada

Mumon Roshi, Shodo Harada Roshi, Daichi Pricilla Storandt; chaplaincy students and

graduates. Special bows to: Maia Duerr, Ann-Marie McKelvy and Residents of Upaya

Zen Center; Jo Curtz and Chanting Group, Kathleen Peppard, the Community for

Interfaith Celebration; Eido Frances Carney, Abbot of Olympia Zen Center; the Bob

Wright Family; past and present ALS Patients and their loved ones from our monthly

ALS Support Group and The Sasaki family. Those who dance and sing.

Thanks to my patient, beloved family: my husband, Joe Tougas, our children,

Sam Lohmann, Ramona Tougas, and Morgan Tougas, to Chie Okazaki, grandson Dean

Teruki Tougas; my brothers: Steve, Dave and Brian Lohmann and their families.

Gratitude to my Women’s group; cousin Dorothy Bacon, Sam Western, Eve, Elizabeth,

Jude, Marilyn and Sal, Susan A., Isabel, Terry K., Candace, Andrea P., Thad Curtz and

last but not least, Annie McManus, care partner, friend and companion in Blessing the

Journey. I thank you all for your support and love!


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How do we deal with grief and the relief of suffering

at the time of death, in America? –

As a Buddhist chaplain, I have started a business called: Blessing The Journey,

LLC, - “Sacredly Guiding Families in the Home Funeral Journey” with a desire to relieve

suffering. This business began in June of 2010, with Annie McManus, friend, dancer,

Internal Family Systems therapist and my business partner.

This thesis is about that process and what led to this particular answer for

alleviating suffering. Blessing the Journey addresses witnessing suffering at the time of

death, and shortly after a death has occurred.

By doing the work of a home funeral guide, with Blessing the Journey, we are

furthering the goals of alleviating suffering by following the Zen Peacemaker Tenets of:

Bearing Witness, Being with Not Knowing, and Bringing Healing Action into the World.

May it be so.


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Bringing Funerals Back Home

Our culture is not very good at grieving. We keep busy and distract ourselves

from fully feeling the loss of a loved one. The dead are so often whisked away soon after

their last breath is taken. People rush to call the funeral home for fear that they will have

a negative experience by being with a dead relation. A century ago most people died at

home. Now a large percentage of deaths occur in hospitals where there is little time or

comfortable space for experiencing the grief that comes when a loved one dies.

Blessing the Journey addresses the waking-up to the pain and richness of such

grief, and fosters keeping our options alive and growing for the caring of our dead. These

options have the potential to reveal the power of death and of love. Blessing the Journey

was started with the intention to help awaken the deep, innate feelings of how to grieve

our dead at home, and how to bear witness to suffering which may come with a loss.

The need for such an awakening is well expressed by Sobonfu Some (2003) in her

book Falling out of Grace; Meditations on Loss, Healing and Wisdom.

“When somebody passes it is necessary for people to come together to grieve.

This is a way of cleansing family wounds and broken relationships. But I have seen in

many cultures that grief is not accepted. When you lose someone dear, you are supposed

to ‘tough it out,’ and when you do, everybody pats you on the back and says “Good job!”

“That’s like saying, ‘We know you have a poison in your system, but hey, you did

a good job of holding it in and keeping it quiet!’ The term “grief” scares most people in

the modern world. They just see the tears and hear the crying, they don’t see that grieving

is necessary to heal at all the different levels of spirit and emotion.” (p.136, 137)


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There is a need for humans to have a place to grieve the loss of life in their own

homes. Families need advocates for this to happen; not only so cultural, religious and

consumer rights remain in place, but so recognition of the need for families to have a

familiar place to grieve through acts of caring for their dead, is met. Many people do not

know that it is currently legal in 42 states for the care of the deceased to take place at

home, with a lying-in-honor or a vigil. At this time, states without family rights to a home

funeral, are: Connecticut, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, New York, Michigan, Nebraska,

and New Jersey. Rights to Home Funerals have been taken away because most people

are not aware that they existed in the first place. Corporate Funeral Business has usurped

these rights by changing legislation so families cannot care for their dead in traditional

ways.

In Unattended Sorrow Stephen Levine (2005), says: “GRIEF CALLS US TO

OPEN OUR HEARTS IN HELL.”

“When hope is wounded and life spins out of control-when we’re stunned from

bewilderment and dismay—our nerve endings seemingly burst into flame, and the

chemicals in our brain become a witch’s brew.

When our old escape routes from pain have been cut off, when our grief is

undeniable, we move like a blind person through a maze, feeling our way forward,

slowly, mercifully, soft-bellied through our grief. Approaching with mercy and loving-

kindness that which we have always withdrawn from in fear, judgment, doubt, and

distrust, there arises the possibility for the healing of a lifetime.” (p. 60)


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“The inclination to disown our pain degrades us and turns our pain into suffering.

Approaching our pain with mercy and awareness we are called to open our hearts to it.”

(Levine, 2005, p.61)

There are the physical acts of care for the dead and the internal processes in which

people take their own time to heal a loss. We intend, through Blessing the Journey, to

mentor and educate families and loved-ones in the simple, hygienic, loving care of their

dead. We want to foster the care of their hearts in the process, by encouraging opening to

not knowing. By being open to the vulnerability that comes with tender care of the body,

whether it is of a beloved parent, a young child, a partner or a dear friend; approaching

them without a preconceived idea of what we should feel or think, this is not knowing.

Our hearts can become wide as we become present to each moment doing this gentle

work.

We must care for ourselves in the process by resting, by asking for help, by

sharing our grief and joy, and by taking time to be alone when this is needed. There are

no prescriptions for how to grieve. Indeed, grief touches each one of us in our turn. How

we sit with grief determines our core resilience. Molly Fumia (1992) speaks of this.

“In a quiet moment I reflect that my sorrow is as familiar as it is mysterious. I

consider the chance that what is happening to me is sudden, complete awareness of an

ongoing human event. I imagine grief to be a universal truth, not beginning with me, but

beginning in the grand expanse of time and space and finding me when my turn has

come.” (p.249)


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We never know when our time will come. Buddhist practice prepares us for being

in the present moment with what arises. We bear witness to the seasons of life when we

are awake to the truth of impermanence.

Buddhist teacher and founder of San Francisco Zen Hospice, Frank Ostaseski,

developed the “Five Precepts,” as companions on the journey of accompanying the dying.

In the Fourth Precept he states, “Find a Place of Rest in the Middle of Things. We often

think of rest as something that will come when everything is complete, like when we go

on a holiday or when our work is done. We imagine that we can only find rest by

changing the conditions of our life. But it is possible to discover rest right in the middle

of chaos. It is experienced when we bring our full attention, without distraction to this

moment, to this activity. This place of rest is always available. We need only turn toward

it. It’s an aspect of us that’s never sick, is not born, and does not die.”

We encourage those we work with to turn towards this place of rest within. Once I

worked with a woman who was near the end of her life who had a lot of edema (swelling)

in her arm. She was in pain. I asked her if there was any place she remembered from her

life that she could visualize and go to as a place of refuge. She spoke of a place called

“cow pasture creek” and a willow tree there she loved as a child. I led her on a guided

meditation to cow pasture creek and the willow tree. Through imagination we invoked

the spirit of the willow, the cool water of the creek, she forgot her pain for a time. Out of

responding to this person, before me in the moment, without a pre-scripted plan,

compassionate action arose through me to comfort her. She knew of a place within to

help her. Slowing down and asking the question allowed this memory to surface.


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As Annie and I work together, we remind each other to turn towards this place of

rest, as well. End of life work is intimate and personal. Some history of the funeral

industry in America will help lay the path of why we choose to do this work.

History of the Funeral Industry in America

Writing on the alternative funeral movement, which is growing as baby boomers

age and want to become involved in planning for their own deaths or for the care of a

loved one, April Dembosky (2009) reflects on the old ways,

“Usually when a death occurs, most people turn over their loved ones’ bodies to

strangers and go through the motions of a ceremony planned by someone else. But it

didn’t used to be like this. Before the funeral industry took hold at the turn of the 20th

century, families cared for their dead at home. They washed and prepared the body

themselves, hosted rituals and ceremonies in their front parlors and with their own hands,

buried the dearly departed.” (p. 40)

During the heat of the Civil War, the bodies of soldiers were often embalmed, for

prolonged transportation home. When President Lincoln was assassinated, his body was

embalmed and carried by train through 16 states, so thousands could see him lie-in-honor

and pay their last respects. Embalming became quite popular because of this event.

Historically, the Egyptians started embalming the bodies of rich and important people

prior to 4,000 B.C.; soaking the bodies in a carbonate of soda, removing the viscera and

brains, packing the body cavities with salts, herbs and aromatics, finally wrapping the

body with cloth soaked in preservatives like wax or honey. Since embalming involves the

removal of bodily fluids and blood borne pathogens, it is now becoming recognized that


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this practice, touted for sanitation, actually is an environmental hazard and is banned in

some states or discontinued in the cases of some communicable diseases. “The

Consumer Reports book on funerals notes that disease does not run rampant in countries

where bodies are seldom embalmed. Furthermore, studies show that embalming does not

affect certain bacteria or viruses. Tuberculosis, smallpox, anthrax, tetanus, and AIDS

have all been found in embalmed bodies shortly after death.” (Carlson, 1998, p. 135)

Those living with diseases are much more of a health risk than the dead.

As a display of one’s status and wealth, elaborate funerals gained popularity as a

way to show off status and wealth and because the traditional ceremonies and social

structures that support healthy communities have deteriorated in our modern era.

Undertakers became Funeral Directors, carpenters and livery stable workers lost

jobs to large-scale casket manufacturing. The public has been sold a bill-of-goods

labeled as “protective” and in the name of “public health”- with unnecessary costs and

degradation, such as embalming. In this century, concrete burial vaults are insisted upon,

so the ground does not heave and mowing of cemetery grounds can be easier to maintain.

The Parlor

Families used to have large parlors in their homes and one common use was as a

place for a loved one’s body to be laid-out after death, so family and friends could come

for a wake or a vigil, and a last good-bye. With the shrinking of the family home during

the Great Depression, the parlor was minimized and “rental parlors” soon became the

“Rent-A-Funeral Parlor” business. The conventional funeral business was born. Many

religious and ethnic groups chose to align with funeral parlors that promised to provide


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the best for “their own.” Neighborhood and parish funeral parlors came into being. The

term “Living-room” came into vogue when the editor of a national magazine banned the

word “parlor” from its pages because of its association with death.

Costs of Funerals

In 2010, the Funeral Business is a multi-million dollar industry. The average

funeral in America costs $8000.00, when using a commercial funeral establishment. The

cost to the environment is substantial. Each year more than 800,000 gallons of

embalming fluid are used. The rate of leukemia is high for funeral home employees

exposed to formaldehyde. 1.6 million tons of reinforced concrete is used for burial vaults-

this is done for the ease of grounds maintenance and for the idea that the body will be

safe and not decompose. 90,000 tons of steel is used for caskets. 95% of the world does

not embalm. There is no health reason to embalm. Cremation requires fossil fuels and

can emit mercury into the atmosphere from dental fillings. When direct cremation is

contracted out to a licensed funeral director, mortuary, or funeral home, combined with

the services of a home funeral guide, the cost is often under $2500.00. Home funerals are

a prudent, economic choice for families who may feel pressure to purchase an expensive,

conventional funeral from a corporate funeral home. Like the “Home Birth Movement”

of the 70’s, home funerals are making a comeback at this time, as people realize they can

participate in this intimate, healing, sacred and personalized care.

The book, “Caring for the Dead, Your Final Act of Love,”(1998), is a treatise on

the history of the funeral industry and leads the movement advocating for consumer

education and legal rights. Writer Carlson compares laws and funeral industry practices


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state-by-state. Personal stories and case studies involving family directed home funerals,

with many choices and scenarios, are spotlighted in this book. Carlson states,

“Almost everything the funeral industry sells interferes with our natural return to

the earth, and few know what that involves. By understanding what happens to the body

after death and demystifying funeral options, our end-of-life decisions prior to death may

be less fearful to face.” (p. 9)

How we care for the remains of the dead is a grave ecological concern. Much land and

resources are taken up in our predominant practices of conventional burial grounds. We

are of the earth, to be simply returned to her, a tree planted on top completes a cycle.

Green Burials

Much land and resources are taken up in our predominant practices of

conventional burial grounds. By being stewards of the earth, seeking to be simply

returned to her with a tree planted as completion of a cycle is part of giving back so this

borrowed body becomes part of the soil. The Buddhist precept of “using all of the

ingredients of my life” can be taken quite literally with the use of green burial and

returning the body to the land. How we care for the remains of the dead is a serious

ecological concern.

“Green Burials” are on the rise. These are natural burials without concrete vaults

and toxic embalming fluids or polluting adhesives found in coffins. The body is directly

laid in the earth in a shallow grave with a simple, biodegradable casket or shroud. Green

burials are the most ecological choice with the least impact upon the earth’s resources at


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this time. Green burials can take place in “hybrid” cemeteries (conventional graveyards

that also allow direct- earth burials in a designated “Green Burial” area.)

In Washington State, combining Land Trust acreage--land that will never be

developed, so no corpse is ever exhumed, is beginning to be used for green burials. It is

my understanding that $25,000.00 is required to be held in trust to begin development of

private green burial sites in Washington. Local zoning laws can be checked to see if

burial on private land is allowed. GPS (geological positioning systems) can help with

mapping exact sites of remains. Meandering paths, woodlands, undisturbed meadows, all

kinds of land preservation can take place combined with ecological disposition of the

deceased. Care of watersheds, geological preservation and site location must all be

considered.

At this time The USA has only 20 Natural Burial Grounds. Our country lags

behind Europe and parts of Asia in this sustainable trend. The fastest growing ecological

movement in the UK is the development of 250 Natural Burial Sites; this is quite a few,

considering the size of the UK! One UK slogan is: “Save land for the living- Choose

green burial.” The Church of England owns two green burial grounds. A quote from the

Woodland Burial Ground, UK, states: “A good death, gets the dead where they need to

go and the living where they need to be!” The city of Carlisle, England, has a City

Cemetery with a preserve of native plants and rare wildflowers. The use of

biodegradable coffins made of materials such as willow, pine, and bamboo, as well as

dressing the deceased in simple cotton shrouds are on the rise in the UK. Ireland has

opened its first Green Burial site in 2010.


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The Green Burial Council (GBC) is a new nonprofit organization founded to

encourage sustainable end-of-life rituals, and in some instances, to use the burial process

to accomplish land conservation. The council has developed the first certifiable standards

for greener good-byes. One set is for Natural Burial Grounds, which are cemeteries

required to follow ethical and ecologically sound practices. And another is for

Conservation Burial Grounds, which adhere to these same practices, but in

addition, involve an established conservation partner and further a legitimate

conservation purpose. The council will also be listing on its site conventional cemeteries

and funeral service providers around the country willing to accommodate green burial.

South Carolina's Ramsey Creek Preserve was the first U.S. green burial ground.

New York State's first green burial ground is now operating. Located near Ithaca, the

Greensprings Natural Cemetery Association is a nonprofit cemetery. Floridians interested

in green burial can look at Glendale Memorial Nature Preserve. You do not necessarily

need a green cemetery to have a green burial. There are several steps you can take to be

"greener," even in a conventional cemetery There are no laws requiring particular types

of caskets though one might encounter resistance from a funeral director or cemetery, it is

important to know ones rights and state them firmly. If a cemetery that will not let one

forgo the vault, one can pick a concrete grave box that has an open bottom to let the body

come in contact with the earth. People in Vermont and New York may refuse to use a

vault on religious grounds, for example, the Moslem tradition of placing the body directly

on the earth. There can be additional costs for special maintenance of the grave.


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Cremation

Carlson reports on the history of cremation (1998), “The Slavic tribes of the

Dniester and Dnieper river valley of Russia may have been the first to cremate, according

to some literature. But the Babylonians ritualized their cremation ceremony. The

Babylonians wrapped the bodies of the deceased loved ones in a combustible material,

and then encased them in clay. The clay coffin was then placed on a brick form, and a

funeral pyre was built around it and set ablaze.”

“People of ancient India also used the funeral pyre. They called it the “Sacred

Flame” and displayed much of their artistic talents on the urns in which their loved one’s

cremated remains were memorialized. The word “funeral” comes originally from a

Sanskrit word of northern India, which means, “smoke.” (p. 72)

The Crestone End of Life Project, in Crestone, Colorado is a “non-denominational

community-based group promoting informed end-of-life choices and supporting their

fulfillment.” They have a build-it-yourself funeral pyre site for an open-air cremation. A

half-cord of wood, a wooden stretcher and a shroud to wrap the deceased in are all that is

used. The old ways are alive.

Beyond Cremation

A new technology for dealing with human remains is: “resomation.” An alkaline

hydrolysis process quickens the natural decomposition using about the same amount of

time as cremation. This process, used at the Mayo Clinic Medical School body-donor

program, (www.mayoclinic.org/body-donation/resomation), uses less energy, produces

less Co2 and is cleaner than cremation. The body is returned to its natural components


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where remains are transformed into ash and liquid, suitable for fertilizer. New ways are

being created that can be fed into the cycle of restoration for our earth.

Why a Home Funeral?

By bringing back traditional ways that many of our ancestors used in

caring for their dead at home, we can become engaged in one of the richest processes of

life, expressing our grief through loving actions. The rituals of washing, dressing and

anointing the body, to prepare it for visitation and burial or cremation was done by many

of our ancestors as part of the normal process of being with death. As we come to be

present to our personal and collective grief, it is our hope that through our work with

Blessing the Journey, and through the work of other home funeral guides and educators,

we can foster the return to these traditions so our families will begin to shed some armor

to begin healing the deeply buried scars and fears of death.

The way of dealing with death in America is quite complicated. We tend to hide

it, glorify it, run from it in fear, demonize it and misunderstand its depth and significance

in making meaning for our lives. The suffering that comes from not being present to the

fact that we all die one day, is exacerbated by standard funeral practices, where the

deceased body is quickly removed from sight soon after death has occurred. Easing into

the acceptance of death by slowing down enough to care for the body of the deceased can

greatly assist the grieving process while honoring the dead. Few people take time to be

with a loved one after death or even realize they have the legal right to keep the deceased

at home for a few days, as long as 72 hours, in most cases. When we are present for this

time, we share the privilege of caring for the body in simple rituals of aftercare; we create


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community by doing this work. By not isolating death through its removal from our

homes, we share in deep, human intimacy. Like birth, death is a portal into the meaning

of existence. If we sit in a room with others and share the witnessing of a passing, and

later join our hands in the physical moving of a dead body from a bed to a casket, death

becomes more real. Our mortality is made real. When we are face to face with death the

truth of it touches us. The fact that we are part of the human family is made real through

these acts as we share grief and joy together. We are in the present moment together.

Grosskopf (1999) addresses this issue of how some act toward grief in our

culture. “American society has little patience with sorrow and little time for mourning.

One neighbor was upset with his young son for refusing to go to school a day after the

boy’s uncle, the man’s brother, had died of a sudden heat attack right in front of him; he

felt that it was best for him and his son to return to “normal” as quickly as possible.

Another friend did not attend his father’s funeral because he was too pressed at work.”

“We demean ourselves when we fail to honor our grief. Grief ennobles life by

reminding us of the magnitude of our sorrow. After losing someone we love, we feel the

depths of the love we have carried; we appreciate life that we had taken for granted. Grief

enriches us when we embrace it and shrivels us when we deny its existence…It takes

more than one generation for a family to heal from the death of a child, and more than

one generation for a child to heal from the effects of a parent’s early death. As long as

grief is unconsoled, the legacy of sorrow passes on through the generations.” (p. 96)

Home funerals are an opportunity to address many of these issues of suffering

through bearing witness to it in ways that are not new but have been forgotten or

suppressed.


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What is a Home Funeral?

Simply speaking, a home funeral means having the body of the deceased at home for a

period of one to three days where the family cares for the body and people come visit.

A home funeral can offer many things to many people. Common practices are:

• Slowly washing the body with intention and care.

• Anointing it with scented oils.

• Dressing the deceased in a special garment.

• Speaking what calls to be said.

• Sitting in vigil.

• Praying, weeping, wailing.

• Storytelling, singing and chanting.

• Remembering stories of the deceased.

• Crying out a good-bye.

• Sitting silently.

• Creating sacred space with candles, incense, and flowers.

• Displaying objects with significant meaning to the deceased or their

family, such as photographs, mementos.

• Using soft lights and covering shiny surfaces: mirrors, TV’s and

computers, as a way of honoring a transformation.

• Opening a window.

• Making the favorite foods of the deceased.


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These are some of the practices that can lend comfort and mark a life passage.

They bring traditions alive and shift the energy by changing the normative patterns of

turning away from grief to turn towards what is. Creation of new rituals may occur.

The Buddhist practice of bearing witness is called for during this process. In

bearing witness, one practices being at the bedside, being with the deceased and loved

ones, with all that is present, all that arises, turning nothing away. In the complexity of

family or community dynamics, compounded with the loss of a loved-one, bearing

witness can be quite a challenge. The journey of grief and release may be expanded

during this time. Time may be slowed or seem surreal. Fears may arise. Deep peace may

be felt. This is all part of the practice of being present to what is.

My practices of: staying centered, remaining present, being aware of my breath,

with my feet on the ground, sensing my body and any reaction I may have are all part of

my learning as a Buddhist chaplain. I have learned through my work in the hospital and

with hospice patients, that having receptivity can be a bridge to empathy. By being a

witness to the wounds of grief, by being in the wound with another without merging into

it—or over-identifying with it, instead, by bearing witness and staying in my own sensate

experience, with empathy and with prayer, doors open to compassion and care. These

practices, which arise from living and studying the Buddhist precepts, pave the way for

this work. As I do this work I integrate these precepts into my ethics. How I think about

this is expressed in my credo for practicing this work.


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My Credo as a Home Funeral Guide

I am not separate from any aspects of this life, this universe of energies and

creatures. My life is interdependent and forever intertwined with all life. I stake my life

on the lives of others and they, in turn, depend on me.

I strive to live humbly with awareness of the ramifications of my actions, thoughts

and beliefs. Giving support to those who have lost a loved-one, and bearing witness is a

way I can experience living the precepts.

The work of a Buddhist practitioner is not separate from everyday life. By

bringing compassion into all aspects of caring for those at death and after death, while

maintaining my practices that help to bring reflection, I seek gratitude and forgiveness.

As a Buddhist Chaplain, I hold my health, which sustains me through these practices, in

respectful self-regard. When I fall short at these efforts, I pause and reflect, I exhale; I

give myself permission to begin again.

By committing to my daily sitting meditation practice, I let go of preconceived

concepts about who I am in this life and the ways of this universe. I open the door to

engaged observation and bare-bones perceptions that arise, releasing judgments and

inviting in self-love so I can love others and be of service to them. I know I will fall

short and I will begin over and over, but I intend to let the spirit of light and love guide

me as I come back to the breath, back to my heart center. I invite it all in, especially my

shadow side, knowing that teachers come in all forms. I choose the love of life and

mystery as my guides. Death is one of the greatest mysteries. By knowing death, I can

know life. I invite myself to observe my perceptions and reactions as I do this work.


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By choosing a way that is non-violent, or non-reactive, I invite others to join me,

knowing that I am not above or below anyone or anything in the Divine Order of things.

I strive to believe that I belong and that all other beings belong in this Divine Order. By

speaking the truth, as I know it, I am called to seek and speak for justice and equality

among all beings.

Wherever I can, I seek fairness and make choices in the resources I purchase and

use, based on equity in the workplace and fair trade. Doing the work of a home funeral

guide lets me put into action my beliefs about being an advocate for others and for the

world. I advocate for safe, sustainable care of all beings and the planet supporting us.

What has brought me to this work?

How can I, as a Buddhist Chaplain, help to alleviate suffering and bring healing

action into the world?

Many life events have brought me to this work. I was raised a Quaker, so sitting

in silence in “meeting” began at a young age. Listening was cultivated and honored.

Speaking “truth to power” was honored, as was simplicity. Being with not knowing is a

kind of listening with openness. Quakers have a history of bearing witness to suffering

and to social justice work. Buddhism has taught me ways of being with suffering

grounded in not knowing, not turning away, and using my breath and body as a teacher

connected to the body of the earth, the ground the Buddha touched, the morning star

illuminating his awakening. Looking back as the path unfolds, I see threads of a path of

service, strands inter-woven to create a foundation for this work. Bits of the fabric that

are key pieces for me are recounted in the following stories.


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My Father

While my father was dying of brain cancer 26 years ago, I came to realize that I

felt fairly comfortable caring for him in his final weeks of life. I spent time massaging

him, speaking to him, though there was no audible answer, my spirit heard his answers at

times. I was not able to help prepare his body after his death. (He donated his body for

research to UC Medical Center.) I had made my peace and said my good-byes over the

weeks of caring for him while he was dying. It was hard for my mother, for he was only

63 and she, 62. His suffering was over, after 3 years of living with cancer. This was my

first close encounter with a beloved family member dying. This was a time when I was a

young mother with a 6-month-old daughter and a 28-month-old son; life’s thresholds

were very close together. The impact of his illness and death has shaped my work.

One vivid memory with my dad is standing at Ocean Beach in San Francisco and

him saying to me and to the Pacific, “It just goes on and on.” Yes! It does.

Grief continues to surprise me at unexpected moments. This time with my dad

provided a window into the sacred mystery and even the beauty of death. This was my

first contact with Hospice care. I had been aware of the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

and heard her speak at Hamlin College in St. Paul, Minnesota when I was 19. I was very

moved by her passion for this work. The pioneering work of Dame Cecily Saunders,

founder of the modern Hospice movement, was something I was becoming aware of, as

Hospice was still relatively new in San Francisco in the mid 1980’s. The palliative

aspects of pain control had not yet been fully developed nor embraced. I think, in

retrospect, that my father may have been in quite a lot of pain. He suffered very silently.


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Before his final brain surgery left him paralyzed (the result of a massive hemorrhage), he

began to have flashbacks to the time he was a conscientious objector, in World War II,

working as an enlisted Navy orderly on the Hospital ship, Solace. He would say in a

scared voice: “We’re on the beach, Pappy”, releasing some fearful memory. What a

mystery the brain is. How many people suffer re-injury from war memories as they

prepare to die?

Perhaps there is a cleansing before dying, in this form of release; a washing clean

from the internal world. My father seemed very purified, shrunken and holy, decreasing

until death. I bore witness for him and for me. This was my first memory of bearing

witness.

My Friend Kathy

Fourteen years ago, I was asked to be part of a group of friends to care for a

friend who was dying. This was a deeply moving experience. Her dying was like a

birthing. While holding her, rocking her, speaking softly, and singing to her as she

prepared to leave this life, I felt honored to be present for her and her spouse, Ray. I

remember the sound of the bamboo rustling outside the open window, at her moment of

death, and the birds’ song, all of these seemed to carry messages of presence, of

connection, and of a gratitude for life. There was a feeling of timelessness, beyond the

beyond.

A Buddhist teacher and friend, Eido Francis Carney, Abbot of Olympia Zen

Center, led us in washing and then wrapping Kathy’s body in a white Kimono, to the

ritualized ringing of a sacred bell. I helped with the care of her body, decorating her


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coffin, and later making flower arrangements for her funeral service. (I felt drawn to this

part of life's transition and later I took Edio's class: "Spiritual Care of the Sick and

Dying" in 2001, sponsored by Associated Ministries -now Interfaith Works of Thurston

County.) Kathy’s death opened me more to pursue a path of service.

Manuela

I have seen the suffering caused by denying people the opportunity to follow their

indigenous or faith practices. For example, about 7 years ago, a Hispanic woman,

Manuela, living in our neighborhood, wished to practice her cultural way of caring for the

body of her sister after she died. She was denied the right to stay with the body

overnight, once her sister was moved to the funeral home. Her tradition was to stay with

the deceased until burial or cremation, three days. There was a deep sorrow in her, and I

sensed, a kind of humiliation, when this affront occurred. The grown son of her sister has

not let go of his mom yet; he still has his old savings account book, he says, because his

mom’s name is on it. Nor has he placed her cremains on the mountain, as was her wish

after death, they remain on the mantel, close to him. The letting-go process is not to be

rushed. (I do wonder if he had been able to see his mom at home for a brief period of

time after she died, would his heart ache less now?)

The first Noble Truth states: There is suffering. One way of addressing suffering

at the time of death is to be with it, feel it, and name it, without pushing it away. By

denying contact, time and cultural tradition, Manuela’s suffering was pushed away, had it

been witnessed and embraced, or at least honored, perhaps her heart would be lighter

today. Being with death is being in great mystery. Even Neanderthals buried flowers

with their dead. It is human to mourn, to feel deeply, and to regenerate and heal.


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Poet-farmer Wendell Berry speaks of being human, in the grand scheme of

existence, being in the mystery, in his poem A Timbered Choir,

A Timbered Choir

How long does it take to make the woods? As long as it takes to make the world.

The woods is present as the world is, the presence of all its past and of all its time to come.

It is always finished, it is always being made, the act of its making forever greater than the act of its destruction.

It is a part of eternity for its end and beginning belong to the end and beginning of all things,

the beginning lost in the end, the end in the beginning.

What is the way to the woods, how do you go there? By climbing up through the six days’ field,

kept in all the body’s years, the body’s sorrow, weariness, and joy. By passing through

the narrow gate on the far side of that field where the pasture grass of the body’s life gives way

to the high, original standing of the trees. By coming into the shadow, the shadow of the grace of the strait way’s ending,

the shadow of the mercy of light.

Why must the gate be narrow? Because you cannot pass beyond it burdened.

To come into the woods you must leave behind the six days’ world, all of it, all of its plans and hopes.

You must come without weapon or tool, alone, expecting nothing, remembering nothing,

into the ease of sight, the brotherhood of eye and leaf.

~ Wendell Berry ~, Sabbaths, (1985)


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My Work

Examples of my work demonstrate observations and responses to the first Noble Truth.

There is suffering.

I have worked at the bedside of the dying, over the past 6 years, as a comfort care

therapist, (a contract worker with a local Hospice). I continue to be struck by the

mysterious and sacred journey at life's end. The people I work with are my teachers. I

have seen beauty, fear, agony and confusion on the faces of the dying. I have felt at a

loss for the "right" thing to say, being in not knowing. I have also come to be more

comfortable in my own silence as a loving, supportive presence. Using the tools of

healing touch, flower essences and aromatherapy, has given me something tangible to

offer for physical and emotional comfort, as does bearing witness, and being with not

knowing. I sometimes sing at the bedside as a way to comfort and connect when speech

seems inappropriate. Gratitude for the mystery of life, as a fundamental starting point,

has brought me back to center, again and again, doing this work.

After working as a comfort care therapist for 3 years, I was drawn to learn more

and go deeper into learning about being at the bedside, so I began Clinical Pastoral

Education, (CPE), at Providence St. Peter Hospital in Olympia, Washington in 2007.

I didn’t really know what I was getting into, nor did I go into this program with a goal of

becoming a chaplain.

During my third Unit of CPE, I was hired as a per diem associate chaplain. I am

presently going into my third year as a paid chaplain while working towards board

certification. Working in the hospital and growing into my pastoral presence, combined


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with Buddhist practices, has given me opportunities and tools for being at the bedside.

Through experience my confidence has grown. I often remind myself not to make

assumptions about patients (not knowing) or to check my assumptions as they arise.

Case Studies from My Work as a Hospital Chaplain:

Once, I was called to the emergency room, in the middle of the night, to be with a

man whose wife had taken a serious fall. She was dying from her injuries, and I saw

many layers of his suffering. (The patient did not appear to be suffering. She was

unconscious.) His disbelief that this could have happened, combined with the remorse at

feeling he really didn’t know who she was in her inner life, as well as a deep, deep

sorrow for their young daughter who was still at home asleep, not knowing what had

happened to her mother, left him feeling very lost. His daughter had recently been asking

lots of questions about what happens when someone dies and her father wondered at this

strange coincidence. I sat with him and listened. I bore witness.

This father and husband needed time to integrate this huge loss. He did not want

to leave his wife’s side. I encouraged him to stay with her, to talk to her, to tell her

everything in his heart. I stepped out of the room, he took time with her, talking and

weeping. When he came out of the room he said he did not feel “done”. He wanted

more time and he was in a quandary about whether or not to have a neighbor bring his

daughter into the ER so she could say good-bye to her dying, mother. (It was close to

3am.) I listened. I cried with him. There was a silence holding much suffering and tons

of not knowing. I could not decide for him. I could stand by him and hold his hand;

witnessing his suffering.


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He wanted to know what would happen to the body of his wife? I let him know

that she would go to the hospital morgue until the Funeral Home came to take her for

burial or cremation. (He needed to choose a Funeral Home within the next 24 hours and

inform the hospital staff.)

In the end, he decided not to have his daughter come in to the ER; he did not

want that to be the last visual memory for his daughter to carry. There was immediate,

immense not knowing, what would the future hold now for his daughter without a mom,

for him, without a wife; a life partner with whom to raise his daughter?

I learned that space and time were needed to comfort the shock of this type of

death. Trauma had taken place on multiple levels; the spirit needed time to catch up.

A home funeral could have given more time for this family to process their grief.

One complication in this case was the accidental nature of death, which involved the

coroner being called upon for an autopsy. Even after an autopsy has been done, the

family still has the legal right to a home funeral in Washington State. In most cases, if

the coroner knows in advance that a home funeral will take place, more care is given to

the body of the deceased. The family could pay for the transporting the deceased by the

services of a funeral home, or they could bring the body back home themselves. Many

hospital staff are not aware of this legal right for patients and their families; nor does it

occur to them to offer more time to be with the deceased in the chaos of the Emergency

Room, being speedy is the norm, responding to one crisis after the next. The job of the

chaplain is to advocate for the spiritual care of patients and their families, to ask people to


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stop and feel what they are feeling and at times to ask hospital staff to slow down for a

moment to respect the process of those taking in difficult information.

ALS Support Group

For the past two years I have facilitated a monthly ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral

Sclerosis/Lou Gehrig’s Disease) support group for patients and care givers. This is a

wicked, progressive, humiliating and debilitating disease. Death walks (or rolls) with

these people. I have seen naked fear, heard threats of double-suicide, witnessed deep

compassion, grief, joy, brave reckless humor, seen people doing “wheelies” and “donuts”

on new wheelchairs, seen them loose the ability to speak, swallow, eat, or walk. I have

witnessed great patience as our group struggles to listen, as it waits for a “talking box” to

speak for someone who no longer has a voice, as it learns to honor whatever is spoken,

taking turns passing the talking stone in our circle.

I come to provide a container, a presence, with respect and companionship-

willing to witness what is, without turning away. They are the experts on their disease.

These brave, scared, exhausted, uplifted, marvelous people are my teachers. Each month

I am humbled by the kindness and acceptance I see. There is much sharing of equipment

and information on navigation of the medical system. One member, Will Bandes, who

died recently, wrote in the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s newsletter, South Sound

Scoop, which was published the day he died, about his journey with ALS.

“ALS is a diagnosis and does not take away from your mind and thoughts and

feelings. It is a life-changing event, not a life-ending event. As the disease progresses,

one must “progress” with it. You can do less physically but you can learn to appreciate so


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much more. Close family members, friends, and other pals and all the other people who

want to help you and your caregiver become part of your family. Family that you depend

upon, but family that also depends on you. With the extra time to think, you become

more emotionally connected with life and the world around you…even as it begins to

shrink. You can really “take time to smell the roses.” Of course, there is great sadness

associated with this terrible disease and things that you once wanted to do may or may

not be possible. It is important to not let the disease take over your mind and life…do

what you can while you still can do it. Embrace others in your own way. Be a positive

role model to others as a guide to how they can choose to face their future challenges.

We know what the future will bring but live in the present to the fullest extent possible,

one day at a time. I believe that ALS can be more difficult for others to accept and deal

with than is for the actual ALS sufferer. As your energy and abilities decrease, their

energy will need to increase. Be all you can be (without joining the armed forces!) and

just do it (sorry Nike). The journey will be a challenge for all but ALS is the journey, not

the destination.”

(Our support group has become a kind of “Sangha”, community of sacred trust,

with bonds based on the common experience gathering monthly to sit in circle without

judgment, to pass a talking stone, watching love and trust unfold as each of us show up to

what is present for us. We come not knowing who will have survived from the last

meeting, not knowing how the disease has progressed or what triumphs or obstacles have

occurred since we last met. We come with open hearts and minds. We show up. We are

inter-dependant on one another.)

Will Bandes continues,


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“The support group has been amazing to Janene and me…in so many ways. ALS

affects everyone differently and being able to talk with others about any aspect of ALS is

very encouraging. How patients and their all-important caregivers do things. How others

feel about things. How others cope with the day-to-day challenges both physical and

mental. Why certain decisions are made regarding their care and future needs. What

type of equipment works for any one individual. Nothing is off the table for discussion

and nobody holds back. Even the political remarks are enlightening to a point! When I

leave the group each month, I have a bigger smile and a greater appreciation of life and a

renewed determination to deal with the present. Of course, there are sad time also.

When a member of our group moves on and is no longer bound up in their earthly body,

their spirit and love is absorbed by others in the group, making us all stronger. At least

they are free of the ravages of ALS.” (Dec. 2010)

This disease is my teacher. The karmic accelerator is ramped-up as the group

faces multiple deaths each year. We travel together and what is important comes forward

for each person at its own rate of speed. Recently members of the group have asked me

to present on Blessing the Journey, and on home funerals. Because death is a welcome or

unwelcome companion, this group is open to seeking out ways of being involved in

making choices in their after-death care. Members have told me that they feel free to

bring anything to the table. I am often silent and very present. I am learning to lead in a

subtle, respectful manner, stepping in only when there is cross talk or multiple

conversations, or to seek clarity. I have a deep love for this group.


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History of Starting Blessing the Journey

It is from these work and life experiences that the ideas and inspirations for

Blessing the Journey came about. In spring of 2008, I heard of a workshop on becoming

a “Home Funeral Guide” lead by Char Barrett, a licensed funeral director, president of

the National Home Funeral Alliance and owner of “A Sacred Moment” in Seattle,

Washington. (www.ASacredMoment.org)

Annie had met Char and knew we shared an interest in learning about home

funerals, so we signed up and attended her weekend workshop. (Annie and I belong to

Community for Interfaith Celebration, where we met 4 years ago.) She trained with

JerriGrace Lyons of Final Passages (www.finalpassages.org) for death midwifery/ home

funeral training a few years ago. She already had a foot in the door.

Annie shared stories of assisting in the home funeral of a young man dying of

lung cancer, who wished to have his body remain in his barn for 3 days after he died.

Dear friends made his coffin. He was too ill to participate. It was a traditional

rectangular shape except for the top, which had a beautiful hand carved deer head and red

tailed hawk. The farm he lived on with his family has since been named Circle Hawk

Farm. Friends, his wife and their two young sons stayed by his side, speaking into the fire

that burned for 3 nights, until he was cremated. This story moved me. I saw Annie’s

commitment to honoring this man and his family. I came to feel that I would like to

know her better. We began to know each other better as we drove to Seattle for this

class. On the drive home we decided to work together, and a seed was planted for our

business.


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In the workshop we practiced a mock home funeral, moving a classmate’s body,

assembling a cardboard cremation casket and learning how to handle the dry ice placed

under the “deceased.” We got lists of what we would need in our “kit bag” and talked

about the logistics of creating sacred space and respecting faith and ethnic traditions. We

watched a video of a home funeral, and we learned about filling out and filing death

certificates. Char was very thorough and passionate about the professionalism essential

to this work. During the drive home we brainstormed business names and came up with

“Sacred Spirals” for the journey of life and beyond. (Something didn’t sit right with this

name; it was too obscure. We changed it later.)

Annie and I share the Buddhist dedication to right livelihood, desiring to do

meaningful work and to be of service to the good of the earth and its beings doing no

harm, being instruments of peacemaking.

As part of our beginning Blessing the Journey, we met in my art studio. We made

a fire in the stove. I laid out stones, and candles in the 4 directions and set objects with

personal meaning in a circle. We called in the directions and made intentions dedicating

our work together in service of the highest good, and of the Divine Mystery. We released

fears into the fire and asked old ways that no longer served us to be released. We let

them go to make way for the new. We read over a new list of potential business names

and choose Blessing the Journey. Later we looked on-line at possible logos and branding

images and choose a Blue Morpho butterfly. We both loved the color and patterns on the

wings, the archetype of transformation, which grows out of chaos in the slurry of cells

during the chrysalis stage, to become a butterfly. To me this symbolizes the way death is

also a mysterious transformation, the culmination of life. I offered to draw one with chalk


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pastels. The process of making this logo image helped me focus my intention on this

work and integrate it with hands, heart and color. The blue morpho butterfly image is

part of our logo now.

We worked with a graphic designer and came up with a business card using the

tag line: “Sacredly guiding families in the Home Funeral Journey.” Also we incorporated

the Celtic tree-of-life with the words “As above, So below” alongside it, for the back of

our card, reflecting our belief in the cycles of life, care for the Earth, the systems of roots,

sky, branches, all connected in the mystery. Irish ancestry is also something we share.

We contacted variety of resources for advice in starting this new endeavor,

including the Small Business Administration. We met with one of their counselors,

Cecelia Nightingale, and told her of our plans. She laid out pro and cons of different

business models. We conferred and decided to become a limited liability company, filled

in the paperwork and paid a fee on-line.

We met with Lisa Smith, Director of Enterprise for Equity, a training and

consulting non-profit group that works with local low-income start-up non-profit

businesses. Lisa enthusiastically encouraged us and advised us not be a non-profit. Even

though we are a service-based business, she felt that we would best be served, and serve

others by keeping it simple as a “for profit” venture. We followed her advice, deciding

that we wanted to become a partnership. Our values and communication skills seemed

well matched. Both of us want to be paid for our expertise, as well as to offer pro bono

work in our community.


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Then we went to the Secretary of State’s office, filled in their forms, registered

Blessing the Journey, LLC (Limited Liability Company) and paid a one-time $200.00

fee. We got our business license with the State of Washington; received a tax ID # and

opened a business banking account, putting in $600.00 each.

We also met with Nora Cedarwind Young, a board certified hospice chaplain

(Wicca,) home funeral guide and certified death midwife, (www.thresholdsoflife.org)

from the Pt. Townsend area of Washington. She listened to our plans, counseled us on

pricing as well as encouraging us to “put it out there and begin.” Nora is an enthusiastic

mentor and champion for this work.

We feel our work is of value, that we bring professionalism and a wide base of

experience to this work. Much discussion went on before coming to our pricing, with a

dedication to being affordable as well as being fair to ourselves for the amount of time

required to do this work. Our starting price for initial on-site consultation is $150.00. Our

cost for complete care, presence and guidance with logistical help is $600.00 for “Family

and Friends” and $750.00 for all others. We will not turn people away for lack of funds.

Based on what others charge for similar services nationwide, we are in the mid-range for

our fees.

In Olympia, Funeral Alternatives, a licensed funeral business, owned by husband

and wife, Clair and Sharon Ferris, has the reputation of being fairly priced, and respectful

to different cultures and faiths. Clair grew up in the family funeral business, stating he

started as a gravedigger and worked his way up in all aspects of the business. He also

worked for a large corporate funeral home before starting his own business with his wife.


35

I had gone to Funeral Alternatives with my mother for her cremation pre-arrangements

last winter and was impressed with his warm, yet professional attitude.

Annie and I decided to meet with Clair and tell him of our plans to begin a home

funeral business. He was quite supportive, understanding and commented on how our

culture does not grieve well, nor does it support people in time of loss. He said he would

remember us for referrals should they come up. We felt encouraged by this visit, knowing

that other funeral homes in our area might not be so welcoming, as many of them have

been bought out by big business. It is our hope to be seen as a community resource and

adjunct to the conventional funeral businesses in our area. Next we crafted our mission

statement as a way to come into focus and alignment with our goals and intentions.

Blessing the Journey’s Mission and Purpose:

• To support and encourage families and communities to create their own

meaningful end of life rituals.

• To offer presence and reverence at the end of life and after death.

• To foster the integration of dying and the sacred art of after-death care into

family and community life.

• To provide practical assistance in preparing the body for a home funeral and to

guide logistics for these situations.

• To encourage healthy grieving by providing space, bereavement support, presence

and deep, non-judgmental listening.

• To provide information and education about home funeral choices.

• To encourage families to include children in home funerals, fostering learning that

death is part of the natural cycle in the web of life.


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Future networking includes development of our website:

(www.bessingthejourney.com), it is “up” but only our contact information is posted at the

time of this writing. Soon we will be contacting local churches and faith groups,

hospitals, hospices and clinics, assisted living facilities and Interfaith-Works, (our local

council of faith groups dedicated to peace and understanding) seeking opportunities to

come present about our work. We will write articles for our food co-op and the Green

Pages “Speech” newsletters. We will be developing a brochure and rack card.

We have recently presented to a group of hospice volunteers and also held an

educational evening at our local public library. We were invited to speak at hospice and

we set up the library talk as an educational evening, opening the discussion about how

our society deals with death and grief, history of the funeral industry and information on

home funerals. We were not there to sell ourselves. Two family members from our first

home funeral came unexpectedly to the library event and spoke of their experience with

having their dad, who died at home, remain there for 3 days. More than 30 people came

to each event. Enthusiastic support and interest prevailed! Many people have inquired

about when our next public talk will be. People are excited to meet in community and

discuss death and dying, care of our elders, care of our dead and to share stories and

remember how we are all connected as beings of the earth in the human family.


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The Work Begins

Our first call from a family interested in our services came in July. We went

shopping for supplies, to be prepared for our first client. Here is our shopping list.

Supply List for our Kit Bag:

• 10 cardboard cremation caskets (ordered on-line.)

• Roll of duct tape for casket corners

• A dozen white cotton washcloths

• “Tucks” absorbent personal care pads

• 2 pair garden gloves for handling dry ice

• Cotton Balls for Essential Oils

• Tampons for orifices

• Rice for zip-loc eye-closing bag

• Sterile gloves

• Band-Aids and bandage rolls

• Baby Wipes

• Q-Tips

• Basins for washing

• Hydrogen Peroxide

• Cornstarch

• Surgical tape

• Garbage bags


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Our First Official Home Funeral:

July, August and September 2010

Journal notes after our first contact with clients:

I got a call in July from Di, who had gotten our name from Funeral Alternatives,

when she and her elderly father went in to make his cremation pre-arrangements. Her

family had seen a show on PBS about home funerals and knew this was also what

“Daddy” wanted. (It turned out I knew this woman, her husband and one of her sisters,

from the 1970’s, back in the Olympia folk music scene. Annie’s friend used to live on

their property during this time as well! Small world.) The eldest daughter, Di, who had

been referred to us from Funeral Alternatives of Washington, had contacted me. We felt

quite affirmed to have this referral since we didn’t even have a business card at the time

of our initial contact with Funeral Alternatives. They are a non-corporate funeral home

in our tri-city area and have the lowest cremation costs, and a brand new state-of-the-art

low-emission crematorium, complete with chapel and viewing area.

(I had been feeling nervous and anxious, uncertain about did I know anything and

what was I going to do or say, feeling uncomfortable about charging money for

something I was just beginning.) Annie was encouraging me to remember the advice we

had been given by a number of people, including Cecelia Nightingale, of the Small

Business Administration, Lisa Smith, of Enterprise of Equity and Nora Cedarwind

Young, another home funeral provider and chaplain, about not selling ourselves short, not


40

under-bidding the industry, and to remember that we have lots of experience under our

belts.

As we drove out for our first consultation we listed our experiences and qualities

to one another. Annie has assisted at 3 home funerals, the first an 80-hour vigil, held

outside where the deceased lay at rest with a fire burning, his family and friends at his

side until he was cremated. The second home funeral was for her sister-in-law, who died

at home with hospice care. Her husband was opposed to a home funeral, but in the end it

was very important to the other siblings and to the daughter to have her mom at home. In

the end, it turned into a very deep, meaningful “wake” experience. The third was a

longtime client who, just days before he died, had been hoisted 60 feet up into a beloved

cedar tree for a last view of the land he loved. His home funeral was a mix of vigil and

wake with friends and family coming and going and his teenage children decorating the

cardboard cremation “tray” (coffin).

It has been my experience that I have seen many deaths in the hospital and have

assisted with the shorter “home funeral” for my friend Kathy. It was comforting to

remember this work and why we are called to it. We agreed to pricing for this first visit,

as one for “Family and Friends” –at a discount. I had been unsettled about the cost and

was at peace with it now. We decided that I would speak of the costs. We were as ready

as we would ever be, plus we had our brand new business cards to hand out.

The family was beginning to plan for the home funeral of their 93+ year-old

husband/father, who was in the hospital at the time of this first visit. Three of his five

adult children were present as well as his 93-year-old spouse.


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Di was the general spokesperson for the family and the other two sisters, (twins)

were somewhat teary. We were, too, off and on through the visit. Annie made a point of

speaking about honoring all of the feelings and that this was a place for feeling whatever

arises. This family was adamant about wanting a home funeral, for their beloved “Pa” or

“Daddy,” as they called him. We did a lot of listening to stories about him (he was to

come home from a short stay in the hospital and would be going on Hospice soon.) We

heard about the house where these women had been raised, learned that he was not

“religious,” but was “spiritual,” loved nature and believed in the connection of all things.

He helped build the local Episcopal Church and received communion in his home while

he was sick, but it was “more about community than religious dogma,” his daughter told

us.

The family agreed that they wished to use our services. Thus began my work as a

home-funeral guide!

We had a tour of the house, noticing many hand-made touches by “Daddy”- the

rooms the twins had shared, the hospital bed in the back bedroom. They were a very

loving, open family. (The other two siblings, brothers, were not present but live in the

same state.) We happened to all be women gathered in this sacred work today. The

mom/spouse made few comments, but she was very proud of her daughters. There was a

matter-of-fact quality about this clan of women, Kleenex at the ready. I noticed my

nervousness at first, put my two feet on the ground and settled in after a spell. We were

invited to lunch. The visit was amazing in its ordinary human simplicity. We were held

and graced by love.


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I learned, as I do over and over, to trust the process, to trust myself, to let the

experience unfold, as it will. Once again I learned to trust speaking my truth. When it

came up that the absent siblings had strong and differing religious beliefs, I spoke about

honoring all paths in the experience. I learned that my fears of being accepted in this

work, at this place and time, were unfounded. I puzzle over where these fears come

from. I watched them arise; I saw them dissolve as I moved into the process. This

experience taught me how we humans crave to be connected to the work of living and

dying. Annie and I worked well as a team, and this time felt spacious.

Our next visit would be meeting “Daddy” and letting him know who we are and

about our work. We sent an agreement for the family to sign and some suggestions of

things to have on hand. We discussed practical things to do at the time of death: closing

the mouth and putting in dentures, closing the eyes shortly after death, (holding the eyes

closed with one’s hand or using dry rice in a zip-loc bag). We spoke of how death is not

an emergency. There is no hurry. We suggested that the family make a contact list of

whom to call when he dies. We acknowledged the crying, knowing that saying good-bye

is coming. I feel humbled and honored by this work.

Here are copies of the letter, lists and the waiver form we sent to them:


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July 10, 2010 Dear Wright Family: Bob, Ann, Di, June, and Jean,

It was an honor and a pleasure to share part of your journey last week.

Thank you for your honesty, tears, questions and loving presence to one another and us.

And for a delicious gluten-free lunch ta boot!

I hope Bob is home and that hospice has begun to help out in whatever ways they

can. We look forward to meeting Bob, answering his questions, hearing him say “ A

raise in pay!” and just sitting with him if that feels appropriate. Annie arrives home after

the 14th, so we will call to set up a time to come visit.

Here is some information to help you prepare. Our “Waiver and Agreement” is

also included. Please feel free to call us with any questions.

Blessings on your journey.

Fondly,

Karen Lohmann


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Guide For What To Do When Your Loved One Dies at Home:

In the event that you are unable to get in touch with “Blessing the Journey”

(Annie or Karen) right at the time your loved one passes away, here are the most

important things we suggest you do:

Be with your feelings. Breathe deeply. Be with others who are a comfort.

Take in the moment, the transition, the grace, the loss and the grief.

There is no need to hurry now. No need to rush or panic. No need to call 911.

Death is not an emergency, though it can be a shock even when you expect it to happen.

You may close your loved one’s eyes, either by gently holding them shut with your hand,

or with an eye pillow, (or a Ziploc bag with a ½ cup of uncooked rice used as an eye

pillow,) laid gently over the closed eyes.

Prop up your loved one’s head at a 45-degree angle on pillows.

Put in dentures or dental plates and tie a cotton scarf or bandana around the chin and tie at

the top of the head to close the mouth. (Keep it there for a few hours, as the muscles will

become more rigid 4 to 6 hours after death.)

Place a pad (Chucks) under you loved one to collect any eliminations that can occur at

death. Presses on the abdomen to release any retained matter- do this before bathing your

loved one. Within 2 to 6 hours of the time of death, bathe, cleanse and dress your loved

one’s body. Do this slowly as one way to feel the love for this person and to give yourself

time to honor the passing. Warm water, a favorite soap, a soft sponge or washcloth can be

used.


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Essential Oils may be desired for anointing. Candles may be lighted.

Creating sacred space may be important to you at this time of deep transition.

Place dry ice (only use dry ice, not ice made with water as it will thaw too quickly) under

the main torso area of your loved one, as soon as it is convenient. (If your loved one dies

in the middle of the night, wait till morning to go to the grocery store to purchase dry ice-

handle only with thick gloves, potholders or a towel. Do not put in freezer. Only store dry

ice in Styrofoam cooler or non-plastic ice chest. (It will crack plastic)


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Visit Two- Meeting “Papa”, “Daddy”:

Annie and I met Di and “the twins,”- Jean and June. June came with her spouse

and two children (aged about 18 and 21). Their 93-year-old mom, Ann, was resting on

the couch and Bob, the dad, or “Pa,” was in his hospital bed in the middle of the living

room. Isabella, a home heath aide, was cooking something on the stove. The house felt

welcoming and calm.

Bob had soft eyes and beautiful translucent skin. His speech was a bit slurred and

his Texas accent was strong. We gathered around his bed and Di introduced us. Annie

and I each took a turn going close, meeting him, speaking and taking Bob’s hand and

looking him in the eyes. He was kind and gracious, saying he was glad we were there to

help things go smoothly when the time comes. (I was aware of how, throughout the

evening, we all seemed quite comfortable with the silence. It was a slowed-down time, a

sacred time. This seems unusual in these fast-paced days, and with 3 generations

gathered. Here the bond of family was strong and steady.)

We asked Bob and the family if they had any questions, none arose. We opened

the time for just chatting as we became more at ease. Di is a straightforward, go-to-it,

woman. She asked if he was comfortable having us there, and he was. She brought up the

DVD the family had watched on home funerals as a way of bringing up the subject.

Later in the visit I asked if they received the letter I sent, with lists of what to do

at the time of death, guidelines for families, and our waiver/agreement form. Ann had

received it and it was misplaced. I had copies and gave them out. We had more talk

about the face and closing the mouth before rigor sets in. Very relaxed.


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Bob began telling stories. Memories were welling up, some of fearful times when

he was a child, others he chuckled to himself about. There were many tears and Annie

asked if these stories were heard before, and they had not. A door was opened; Bob was

sharing in a vulnerable, tender way. One daughter asked if she could have some of his

ashes, stating that when she had asked before, he told her he wanted to be buried with

Barker, the dog. This time, he said, “Of course, she could.” Another daughter asked if he

wanted ashes in the 4 corners of the property, he said “If you can find them, then just mix

it (the cremains) up with concrete and drop it in a hole.” Laughter and tears flowed. His

wife was calm and seemed very much at peace with this talk.

We bore witness. We took it all in on all levels of perception. A state of grace was

palpable as was a sense of relief as we spoke of what is usually unspoken and not made

time for in our society. The Buddhist practice of being with what is was present.

When we left, there were hugs all around. I stated that any questions or comments

were welcome, anytime. We both spoke of how honored we felt being present to this

family. We asked the “kids” if they had questions. None now. This was a family who

used to have a cow and chickens, self-sufficient types who were frank about life’s

seasons. They had been in the same house for many years, and were rooted in the

community. In the middle of August, Bob and Ann will celebrate 70 years of marriage!

We explained our schedules and how to reach us over the next 2 weeks. Before

we drove off, Annie and I sat in the car a moment to speak of what an honor and deep

privilege this work is, how our ‘first” experience felt very guided.


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I know I still feel apprehension about what do I really know, what will I do if I am

called to be with this family at the time of death. Will I be of service? Yet I strongly feel

this is my calling and path. I am on it and the only way is to take it, step by step. I can

review my training binder. We have given the necessary information. Bob is getting

excellent Hospice and family care. My fears rise up and fade in time. I worry that I am

too silent. I am coming to trust that I provide presence. I trust this journey.

The Call- 2am- “It is time. - Please come.”

Di called around 2am Sunday morning, saying, “ I just got a call from the

caregiver and that the time is now.” (I had been awake when the call came, just musing

in bed, felt calm.) I asked Di if she wanted us to come, “Yes, I do.” I called Annie and

showed up at her home about 10 minutes later. (Looking back, I know I could have taken

a moment to ground, meditate and set the intention for this time to serve this family to the

best of my ability.) I brought the “kit”- though we only used the garden-gloves from it

(to handle dry ice). We turned around once to try and buy dry ice, the Safeway store was

closed till 5am.

We arrived and “Daddy” or “Pa” was in the hospital bed in the living room. The

mood was calm and sacred. The caregiver, Bob’s wife and two daughters were there.

All women. One of our first tasks was to help the family assess the logistics. They had

planned to lay him in honor in the back bedroom, so folks could have private visits. The

hall was narrow and the turn to the bedroom, sharp. He was at least 6 ft. tall. (I had

sensed on the first visit that it would be awkward or impossible to move him to this room,

I did not speak up then, hoping the family would come to this conclusion.) They had the


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beautiful hand-made pine “bier” with rope handles, on the bed. I asked how it had been

to move the bier to this back bedroom. It was hard, and they had to stand it on end to get

it through the door. I gently told them that it would not be possible to bring Bob to this

room; we could not fit him through the door and safely move him. The family was

flexible in this change and ultimately it worked out for the best. He was laid-in-honor in

the large living-dining room. People could visit near him, go up to him and also be at the

table to have some space for telling stories and eating.

The daughters called their brothers to let them know their Dad had died. One

brother was planning to come from about an hour and a half drive away. He did not

show up till after 10 that morning. The other brother came later that day. The caregiver

let Hospice know the patient had died and also got assistance over the phone for

removing the catheter. The patient had not eaten for 4 or 5 days, there was no urine,

fluid, or defecation. There was a slight bit or odor when he was cleaned up and

transferred to the bier that we put on top of my massage table. The caregiver went out to

get dry ice and brought back a simple bouquet of white spray roses. (It was the 65th

birthday of the eldest daughter-Di. She thought it a lovely gift from her Dad that he

passed on that day!)

Before moving Bob to the bier, his two daughters and his wife lovingly and

slowly washed his body with some warm water and Baby Oil. He had loved the smell of

Baby Oil. I helped to hold his head a few times during the moving of his body to anoint

front and back. A son-in-law (who had built the bier) arrived with fresh-cut rosemary for

adorning it.


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Sacred harp music was played during the washing, and then some bluegrass was

played, from one of the daughters’ band. Tears fell, loving words and caresses were

given. We noticed the subtle changes that were taking place in Bob’s color and features.

Pillows were propped under his chin to gently close his mouth. His eyes were

already closed. Great peace emanated from him. We helped guide the family in moving

his body, now cleaned and dressed into the coveralls he loved, with a hankie in the breast

pocket (put there by Bob- the planner). Red towels and blankets lined the bier; the dry ice

was in place under the kidneys. The family rolled up the sheet to get a good grip; he was

slowly lifted from the hospital bed and carried to the bier, with his head to the East. Over

the next 3 days, his laying-in-honor transformed the room. An American flag was hung

hear his head, his Navy cap placed on his chest, rosemary was laid all around his body,

candles were burning, flowers arrived and were set on around him. He was a presence

and death was becoming “normalized” in this household. This is what they wanted. This

is what he had asked for. He was there and not there, he was all around us.

We held space, listening, being with the joy and grief that arose. We helped with

logistics, brainstormed with family about the final moving of his body and transfer to the

cardboard “cremation tray,” which we supplied. The family colored it with markers and

wrote their final messages to Bob. (We were invited to pen a message, so Annie and I

each wrote one.)

For a last tribute before he left the house a final “toast to Daddy” with Irish Cream

was had all around. The family moved him from the bier to the cremation tray and loaded


52

it to the back of a van. I rode with his son-in-law to the crematorium while other family

followed. Annie helped to slow and sanctify the process when the funeral home staff was

ready simply to wheel the deceased into the cooler. We stopped and had a last good-bye

and laying of hands on the cardboard coffin. Photos were taken, then a tour of the brand

new crematory, chapel, viewing rooms, offices. Next, papers were signed by Ann,

combined with a tactless effort by the crematory operators to sell her gold jewelry made

from a fingerprint of her dead spouse. She accepted, and then declined the following day

with an adamant email from her family, stating it was unconscionable to prey on those in

their grief and vulnerability by trying to sell them things.

We were thanked kindly and with hugs from each family member. We are

grateful we could do this work.

What Have I Learned From Our First Home Funeral?

I have learned that I have to stay grounded, and to re-ground as I grow into this

new role. There were times I felt anxious and nervous. I know I have a tendency to want

to know-it-all even though I commit to not knowing! I trust that my confidence will build

as I do this work more.

In the future, we plan to give additional information at our first consultation,

utilizing forms and guides from our training to better prepare our clients for the home

funeral experience. Specifics such as: contact information, disposition and pre-planning

wishes, celebration of life or memorial ceremony preferences, a step-by-step check list

for the family to care for the body of the deceased, discussion of obituary and/or

death/funeral notice for newspapers, lists of important legal tasks and special contacts to


53

be made following a death; Veterans Affairs, banks, insurance companies, credit

reporting agencies, Social Security, unions, employers for pension and benefits, brokers,

state titles/registrations for personal property (cars, homes, etc.), attorneys, and canceling

clubs and memberships of the deceased. Our checklists include a printed handout of

what physical and emotional signs to expect as the body prepares to depart.

Annie and I are talking about charging an hourly rate. (We attended the first

National Home Funeral Alliance conference in Boulder, Colorado recently and many of

the home funeral guides charge by the hour.)

We are open to learning as we go. We feel safe together doing this work of

discovering what it means to be a human being at this time in our world. Both of us are

usually comfortable with not knowing. Life and death are our teachers.

In peace and joy may we continue in our dedication to relief of suffering.


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“Even if death were to fall upon you today like lightning, you must be ready to die

without sadness and regret, without any residue of clinging for what is left behind.

Remaining in the recognition of the absolute view, you should leave this life like an eagle

soaring up into the blue sky.”

-Dilgo Khyentse Rimpoche

“On no subject are our ideas more warped and pitiable than on death...Let children walk

with nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their

joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and

streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as

beautiful as life, and that the grave has no victory, for it never fights. All is divine

harmony.

*John Muir, A Thousand-Mile Walk to the Gulf, Ch. 4 - (1916)


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Works Cited:

Caring for the Dead, Your Final Act of Love, Lisa Carlson, 1998, Upper Access Books. Falling Out of Grace, Meditations on Loss, Healing and Wisdom, Sobonfu Some, 2003, North Bay Books, El Sobrante, California, pages 136-137. Funerals: Consumers’ Last Rights. 1977 By Consumers Union of United States, Inc., Mount Vernon, NY. Grave Matters, Mark Harris, 2007, Scribner. Healing the Generations, Barry Grosskopf, M.D. 1999, The Free Press, Simon and Schuster, page 96. Ode magazine, 2009. Safe Passage; Words to Help the Grieving, Molly Fumia ,2003, Conari Press.

Unattended Sorrow, “Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart”, Stephen Levine, 2005 Rodale, page 60.


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Additional Reference Resources:

Char Barrett www.ASacredMoment.org

Crestone End-of-Life-Project

http://www.crestoneendoflifeproject.org Crossings: Caring For Our Own at Death

http://www.crossings.net/ Federal Trade Commission

http://www.ftc.gov/bcp/edu/pubs/cosumer/products/pro19.pdf

Final Passages http://www.finalpassages.org

Five Wishes: www.agingwithdignity.org Funeral Consumers Alliance

http://www.funerals.org Green Burial www.greenburial.com www.GreenBurialCoucil.org Home Funeral Directory National Listing

http://www.homefuneraldirectory.com/ National Home Funeral Alliance

http://www.nationalhomefuneralalliance.org/ Natural Cemeteries www.naturalendcom or nuturalburial.coop/USA Nora Cedarwind Young

www.thresholdsoflife.org Resomation www.mayoclinic.org/body-donation/resomation. Washington State Living Will Registry

www.doh.wa.gov/livingwill


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Appendix

Being with Dying, Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death,

Joan Halifax 2008, Shambala.

Coming Back to Life, Practices to Reconnect Our Lives, Our World, Joanna Macy, Molly

Young Brown,1998, New Society Publishers.

The Last Adventure of Life, Maria Dancing Heart, 2005, Bridge To Dreams Publishing.

The Places That Scare You, A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times, Pema Chodron,

2005, Shambala.

The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Soygal Rinpoche, 1993, HarperSanFrancisco.

Bio of Care Partner, Annie McMannus:

Annie McManus works in Olympia Washington, as a home funeral guide and is a

counselor in private practice with a focus on grief and mourning. Experiences around

death and grief in her own life were the seeds of pursuing this calling. Working with

those at the end of life through the dying process and, in conjunction with their friends

and families, after death, continues to teach and nourish her. Annie has been trained in

the Internal Family Systems Therapeutic Model and is a Certified Counselor in the state

of Washington. She has been a hospice volunteer and received her Home Funeral training

from Jerrigrace Lyons of “Final Passages”, located in Sebastopol, CA. and Char Barrett

of “A Sacred Moment”, in Everett, WA. Annie runs Internal Compass Counseling

Services and co-owns Blessing the Journey LLC , funeral guidance service, with friend

and care partner, Karen Lohmann.

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